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In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

Bob and David would like to dedicate this book to the cast of Mr. Show… our friends, talented people, and gravely underused by Hollywood: Jay Johnston, Paul F. Tompkins, John Ennis, Brian Posehn, Jill Talley, Tom Kenny, Brett Paesel, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Jerry Minor, Scott Aukerman, B.J. Porter, and Karen Kilgariff. To Troy Miller for shining our shit to a sparkle and Eban Schletter for making us sound golden. To Mike De Luca for believing in us. To New Line for not believing in us. But mostly and sincerely to our fans—you guys have impeccable taste! And to our little man in Congress, Louie Gohmert… Go Big L!

Preface

Hey everybody, it’s Bob and David! Before we begin we would like to go to the ol’ future and answer our most-asked question about this lil’ book from the ol’ mailbag.

Dear Bob and David,

So… what… you think if you publish your stupid screenplays that somebody in Hollyweird will actually read ’em and go, “Oh my God, we screwed up so bad, we didn’t make these genius screenplays?!! We’d better fix this right away and apologize to these guys and make all their badly plotted, half-assed comedy screenplays before they, uh… what? Get us in trouble with the comedy police?!” I mean, I read your screenplays, and yeah, there were some laughs in there, but they were also kinda sloppy and waaaayy too satirical. Nobody likes satire that much, figure it out already. Anyway, I’m a fan of SOME of your work, I’ve written a few screenplays myself, but you don’t see me trying to publish them and cutting down the last remaining trees so I can have a pity party in public. Anyway… good luck, I guess… and hey, if you’d read one of my screenplays I’d appreciate it. I got one that’s about these two guys named Dob and Bavid who catch a chupacabra and train it, it’s kind of an updated, cinema verité[*] How To Train Your Dragon.

Seriously,

George Szondorski

Thanks for your letter from the future, George, and now here’s our answer: No, we don’t think Hollywood people will read this book and think they made a mistake. We’ll get to that in the Introduction. We are publishing these scripts because we, like you, are fans of “SOME” of our work. Where we disagree with you is in your dismissive reference to us cutting down trees. The trees have been man’s worst enemy on Earth since the dawn of creation. Guess who killed the dinosaurs? The trees did. It’s them or us and this is one small step in the right direction. Also, YES, we will read your screenplay! This sounds wonderful! Two guys who train a legendary mystical creature from south of the border! It’s got international sales written all over it in green ink! If it’s not a problem, we would like to make it an animated mockumentary for the web only! Send it ASAP—this is gonna go good!

Now, to everyone else, welcome to the book of screenplays that never got made. We hope you get some laughs out of it.

Introduction: A Brief History and Context of the Scripts Herein

Ah, Hollywood, you giveth and you taketh away, like a colicky two-year old being fed oysters. One never knows what gems or turds will manage to squirt through Hollywood’s labyrinthine system and get made, their filmic fate then to be decided upon by an even more fickle populace. Will it be Animal House? Or will it be Bio-Dome ? One can never be certain. We got to make a movie once. But more on that later. For, you see…

You hold in your hands a couple of movie scripts (and then some) that we wrote in reasonable anticipation of being able to get them made. Meaning these scripts were written after ending the run of Mr. Show with Bob and David. And with that small, yet real, measure of success in mind, the obvious next step for our rag-tag group was to write and make a movie. And of course! Why wouldn’t we? Corky Romano? Beverly Hills Ninja? Snowboard Academy? Joe Dirt? With these and several others as examples of the then-current crop of comedies getting made, why wouldn’t we believe a Mr. Show movie could do the box-office business that the aforementioned movies would do? And, hopefully, the business would be just enough to allow us to then make more films.

Well we, along with fellow Mr. Show writer/performers Scott Aukerman, B.J. Porter, and Brian Posehn did write that movie, and Troy Miller, our director/producer extraordinaire at Mr. Show, directed and edited it. It was called Run Ronnie Run, and unfortunately, it wasn’t very good. But enough virtual ink has been spilled on that sorry saga, and if you bought this book, it’s probably safe to assume you know the tortured history of it already and don’t need to hear our rehashed whining again, again.

But it does provide context for this book. And helps answer the rhetorical question, why exactly are we putting out a book of film scripts that never got made?

Well, because we think they’re funny and that you will enjoy reading them.

The first one we wrote (chronologically) is Hooray for America! (although it’s not the first script you’ll find in this book). Hooray! is a more high-concept story than we had explored on Mr. Show but the kind of thing we may have progressed toward if there were to have been a fifth season.[*] It’s a linear story where we (and the Mr. Show cast) would play multiple roles, and several different tones of comedy are represented. But we decided that perhaps it was too high-concept to be our first movie, so we went back to the drawing board. That was where Run Ronnie Run came in, and, well, we all know how that turned out. But we were determined to make a movie, so it was back, once again, to the drawing board. This time we decided to give America what it really needed—a great sketch movie. This was Bob and David Make a Movie. It is the first script you will encounter in this book.

We were convinced we might actually be able to persuade someone in Hollywood (anyone!) to finance this script and get it made. In other words: cheap, not particularly challenging, and unarguably funny. We didn’t know that we had reached our nadir already.

Bob and David Make a Movie starts immediately with us talking to each other and to camera. It feels very familiar to the first few minutes of Mr. Show: we greet the audience and each other, a situation presents itself, it then quickly spins into something else entirely, then leads us into our first sketch, and ultimately winds back around to a satisfying ending that recalls the beginning. Much simpler than Hooray!, more “Bob and Davidy” than Run Ronnie Run, and much, much more like Mr. Show—the lady that brought us to the dance in the first place, as it were. And the fact that we and our cast again would play multiple roles in that story as well was always exciting for us.

Needless to say, Hooray for America! and Bob and David Make a Movie were never made. And never will be. They were written for two exciting, up-and-coming comedy writer/actors in their late thirties who were coming off of a still-relevant cult comedy show to make. That ship has not only sailed but has been dry-docked and turned into a museum. But know that there is no bitterness here; we are happy in our lives and professions. Often things don’t work out like one would hope (Let’s Go to Prison, Freak Show) and sometimes they do (Breaking Bad, Arrested Development)—that’s life. But we decided that rather than have all of this stuff languish on a couple of bookshelves in Brooklyn and L.A., we’d release it into the wild, complete with reminiscences, illustrations, and extra jokey-jokes for you to enjoy.

See you in 2015!

Bob and David

BOB AND DAVID MAKE A MOVIE

by Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn

First draft on August 4th, 2003

ANIMATED WARNINGS

MUSIC: Upbeat fanfare throughout

NOTE: This opening piece is animated with cheap computer graphics (circa: the DIRE STRAITS video “Money For Nothing”) which correspond to the announcement. In addition, it should be scratchy, with skips, like it’s been shown for years—

WE SEE: Klieg lights waving madly, pull in to…

GIANT THEATRE MARQUEE with the title: “TONIGHT’S FEATURE-LENGTH MOVING PICTURE!”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Congratulations, you’re attending our feature film presentation! This theatre has been voted the most polite theatre in America for five years running! Please adhere to our strict standards of conduct for everyone’s enjoyment! Remember, no talking or chitchat during the film. Please turn off all beepers for the duration of the movie! When enjoying refreshments, chew with your mouth closed and daub your lips with freshly laundered kerchiefs! Gentlemen, bow when a lady passes. Ladies, curtsy when a man passes… gas. Please refrain from soiling our bathrooms with your waste. Bathrooms are open for viewing five minutes before the movie, and five minutes after. When leaving the theatre please head straight home, do not stop to talk to strangers, friends, or family. Upon arriving home, lock and bolt your door. Sever all telephone lines, and board windows. Kill your spouse and leave their brains out on the front porch for the zombies to eat. Then, kneel beside your bed and pray to me, and I’ll come to you in the night to tell you how to live. Now, sit back, and enjoy this feature-length moving picture presentation! Light up those cigarettes and start talkiiiiiinnng nowww!!!

DIP TO BLACK

MUSIC: Tense suspense theme, building

OPEN ON: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD

Shot with hi-def, handheld, VIDEO. We are in a small group of looky-loo TOURISTS watching a scene from a movie being shot.

There is a camera crane above the scene of a spaceship which has crashed and is giving off smoke. A small mob of NERDY-LOOKING GUYS mill about. The DIRECTOR, sitting in a set chair with the name “Famous Mortimer,” starts the scene.

DIRECTOR

Okay, everybody in place? Okay, let’s make this really intense. And… action!

The NERD MOB wave sticks, scream, and attack some unseen VICTIMS.

NERDS

Kill ’em! Get ’em!

The crane rises over this mob scene, and when it gets to its maximum height, the Director steps up.

DIRECTOR

Cut! Print! That was great! We got it!

The crew applauds. The tourists disperse… we pick out Bob and David from the tourist crowd and lead them as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard.

BOB

Wow, David, huh?

DAVID

Yeah, Bob, movie magic!

BOB

(looking around)

Where?

DAVID

Right there, what we just saw.

BOB

Oh. Yeah.

Bob talks to camera.

BOB (CONT’D)

Hello, I’m Bob.

DAVID

Oh, hi, I’m David.

BOB

We’re here in Hollywood, California, to make a movie. You might recognize us from your TV set.

Bob waves to a TOURIST and his WIFE.

ANGLE ON: Tourist

TOURIST

Keep it movin’ honey, a pansy just hit on me.

DAVID

Anyway we’re both very excited to make a movie for you. Hey man, what’s our movie about?

BOB

That’ll take care of itself. First thing we need is money. Let’s start thinking about product placement.

A TEENAGER on a skateboard screeches to halt in front of Bob and David.

BOB AND DAVID

Whoa!

DAVID

What’s up, kiddo?

TEENAGER

(into camera)

You guys are cool, but the coolest thing on two wheels is the new Flo-Tex tampon.

He holds up a brightly labeled box.

BOB

Aren’t tampons for women?

TEENAGER

That’s what you think, old man! I’ve got that fresh, easy feeling right now.

DAVID

Wow! I want that, too!

TEENAGER

You’ll have to skate me for it!

He skates away, and a jingle plays.

JINGLE SINGER (V.O.)

Flo-tex for meeeeennn…

Freshness for aaaaalllll.…

Flo-Tex tampons fall from the sky on happy Bob and David.

ANGLE ON: Abe Lincoln

ABE LINCOLN

Ask not what a tampon can do for you… but what Flo-tex can do for a tampon!

ANGLE ON: David

DAVID

Now in apricot!

MUSIC: Commercial Theme ends

Resume Bob and David on the street, natural sounds, handheld look, etc.

BOB

So how much did we make for that?

DAVID

(putting wad of bills in pocket)

We’re set, we got our dough.

BOB

Great. So let’s make the movie!

ANGLE ON: David, he is standing in front of a poster for a dumb movie called Stupid and Stinky-er which features two retarded characters (Bob and David), teeth blocked out, one smelling the other’s fart and smiling. David rants in front of this image.

DAVID

Bob, they don’t just let you “make” a movie. You can’t just go out there with no original idea, nothing to say, and no talent to not say it with and make a movie.

BOB

Of course not, David, I never—

DAVID

You have to fill out a form first.

BOB

Oh.

DAVID

Come on…

They turn and enter a nondescript DMV-type building.

BOB AND DAVID APPLY FOR MOVIE

SIGN: “Hollywood Town Hall”

INT. CITY OFFICE

MUSIC: Muzak, atmosphere

Bob and David enter and look around. The place is crowded like a DMV. Various HOLLYWOOD TYPES wait in line. A JANITOR notices them all disoriented.

JANITOR

(by rote)

If you got a comedy follow the blue line, if it’s a drama, yellow line, documentary is out back behind the Dumpster.

The three windows are marked: Drama, Comedy, Indie.

BOB

Blue line.

ANGLE ON: The COMEDY window. CARLOTTA, a black lady clerk, is listening to Kevin Smith, and thoughtlessly leafing through his latest script.

CARLOTTA

Okay Mr. Kevin Smith, good to see you again.

KEVIN

Thanks. I can’t wait to make another film.

CARLOTTA

Okay. Do you have any stars in it?

KEVIN SMITH

I’m trying to get Shannon Elizabeth.

CARLOTTA

So… I’ll put that down as a “no.” How about special effects?

KEVIN SMITH

No, no, it’s total low-budget.

CARLOTTA

Mm-hm. I don’t know… has it got farts in it?

KEVIN

Well, it’s sort of a “farce,” I guess…

CARLOTTA

No, “farts.” T-S.

KEVIN SMITH

(very positive)

Oh, yeah! Big fart sequence.

CARLOTTA

You got it, honey. Here’s your slip. Get your essentials and I’ll stamp it for ya.

She hands him a slip and he exits, happily. JAMIE KENNEDY steps up to the window.

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

Jamie Kennedy, what have you cooked up for me this time?

JAMIE

(excited)

Okay, my movie is called Invisible Dude, about a guy who turns invisible when he gets nervous.

She doesn’t respond.

JAMIE (CONT’D)

And… he likes this girl, has to conquer his problem, but then on his wedding day right before he’s about to get married, his fiancée tells him her parents hate… invisible people.

Carlotta tries to hold back laughter, but busts up.

CARLOTTA

Jamie Kennedy, you did it again! Hilarious! And pointed! Very well done!

JAMIE

Thank you.

She hands him a blue slip.

CARLOTTA

Here’s your blue slip, go fill it out, get your things, and come back and I’ll stamp it. Next!

Bob and David step up to her window.

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

Who are you and what’s your movie?

BOB

We’re Bob and David. We want to make a funny movie.

CARLOTTA

What’s it about?

DAVID

All kinds of stuff. Just the funniest stuff we got.

BOB

Just funny, y’know?

CARLOTTA

You got any stars attached?

BOB

Uhh… no, just us.

She laughs.

DAVID

So if you’ll just give us one of those slips, then we’ll get on our way.

CARLOTTA

No. Not today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on break.

She puts a sign reading “I’m on (cartoon of a guy with a bloody broken leg)” and walks away toward the break room.

BOB

Dammit.

DAVID

All right, well, let’s go drinkin’.

BOB

(angry)

No, David! Look, do you want to go back to shining camels’ asses at the racetrack?

CUT TO:

EXT. RACE TRACK, STABLES

A horse with a warming blanket over him stands in a stable behind TRAINER wearing a fedora, suit. As the Trainer talks to camera, Bob and David walk by in the background, covered in slop, carrying buckets (“Tekmans Camel Shine”) and rags.

GRAPHIC: “Jim Whitten, Trainer, RoseThorn Horse Track”

TRAINER

The horses like to have a companion, a goat, a dog, keep ’em company. That’s why we got Chip the camel over there.

INTERVIEWER

Yes, but why do you have those guys shine her behind?

TRAINER

Hm?

The Trainer turns to see Bob and David.

TRAINER (CONT’D)

Hey! Hey you two, get the hell outta here!

The Trainer chases Bob and David.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. DMV TYPE ROOM—PRESENT

David, having this memory.

DAVID

Well yeah, eventually.

BOB

That’s what I’m talking about. But we gotta prove ourselves first. Now we’re getting that slip and we’re making our movie.

They both look to the “break room” in back.

INT. BREAK ROOM

A sad, shitty institutional break room; Formica table, folding chairs, wrappers littered about. Carlotta is by the vending machine, punching buttons.

Bob and David enter.

BOB

Give us one of those slips that you gave those other guys. Now.

CARLOTTA

Excuse me? This is the break room. Employees only.

She puts some more coins in and carefully selects her item. David wants to go, but Bob won’t budge.

BOB

Dammit, you… give us that slip.

CARLOTTA

Don’t you threaten me! Damn…

She is preoccupied with the vending machine, pressing and re-pressing the same buttons. Finally we hear her item fall and get lodged in the machine exit chute.

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

Oh… geez.

She hits the machine.

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

Come on, cookie, drop for Momma…

ANGLE ON: Digital readout: 28 seconds…

VENDING MACHINE VOICE

(British feminine voice)

You have twenty-eight seconds before the vending chute is closed…

(STARTING RIGHT HERE we go to LETTERBOX “ANAMORPHIC” framing)

ANGLE ON: DAVID

MUSIC: Scored, suspense

DAVID

Are you having trouble with your cookie?

ANGLE ON: the trapped cookie, an “AUNT GRANDMA’S CHOCOLATEY DOUBLE CHIP DELITE” hanging in the chute.

ANGLE ON: Carlotta, beads of sweat on her brow. Reaching up the chute in vain.

CARLOTTA

It’s my favorite cookie… the last one…

(tears come to her eyes)

My wrists… too big-boned…

VENDING MACHINE VOICE

T-minus twenty seconds to chute closure.

CARLOTTA

Oh, Jesus and St. Lucifer come to my aid in this time of great need…

ANGLE ON: Her fat wrist in the vending tunnel. She will never reach the cookie. Suddenly, appearing beside her wrist is a white-skinned, thin wrist.

David has knelt down beside her and is reaching for the cookie.

DAVID

Excuse me, ma’am, let me try.

VENDING MACHINE VOICE

T-minus fifteen seconds to chute closure.

David reaches for the cookie, and… he has it!

Carlotta breathes a sigh of relief.

CARLOTTA

Oh, thank you… why you have the magic hands of a little white girl; or a gay.

David holds the cookie in its place in the chute.

DAVID

Give us one of those slips and you get your cookie.

Carlotta can’t believe his audacity, holding her cookie hostage!

VENDING MACHINE VOICE

Eight seconds to closure. seven—six—five…

Countdown continues through the remainder—

CARLOTTA

But, I just, it’s my break, I…

David releases the cookie, but holds his hand there, ready to grab it again. Cornered, Carlotta pulls out a blue slip and hands it to Bob. David snatches the cookie, and yanks his arm out of the machine, and we see a metallic multilayered shield that could rip your arm off, snap shut.

David hands her the cookie. She begins eating greedily. Bob and David celebrate.

BOB

Awesome!

DAVID

We got it!

(DROP ANAMORPHIC FRAMING)

MUSIC: Suspense scoring ends.

CARLOTTA (O.C.)

Well, that ain’t all you need, honey.

DAVID

What?

Carlotta slowly eats her cookie and coyly teases the guys—she has the upper hand.

CARLOTTA

The blue slip is worthless without it gets stamped.

She holds up a stamp. The room darkens, except a ray of light which hits her hand holding the stamp.

Music: Ominous, Lord of the Rings-ey

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

You just like everybody else. You need to get a few things first.

DAVID

What things?

CARLOTTA

First thing—you need to get your physicals. Got to be in tip-top shape for moviemaking! Next you need a concept, an idea, fish outta water or maybe just rip off ol’ Harry Potter. Then you need you a star to shine so bright, and give your film an opening night. A lock of hair from a Producer, some famous grease from a Hollywood shmoozer. Lastly, approval from the Mayor of Hollywood, you get that, baby, and you got it good.

DAVID

The Mayor of Hollywood?!

Carlotta points to an oil painting of a grizzled old dude smoking a cigar, THE MAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD.

CARLOTTA

You have until five p.m. tonight, after that, the effects of this cookie wear off and I forget all about you.

She finishes the cookie and gives a self-satisfied chuckle.

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

Thanks for the cookie, cookie.

She exits.

DAVID

(looking at watch)

Shit, Bob, it’s already noon. We’ve got a lot to do.

RINGLORD OF THE STARS

Bob and David are walking down Hollywood Blvd.

DAVID

I’ve always dreamed of making a movie so I could see what all the fuss is about.

BOB

What do you mean “all the fuss”… you’ve seen movies, right?

DAVID

Does porno count?

Bob shakes his head “No.” Then David shakes his head “no.” Then Bob shakes his head “no” again.

BOB

Let’s go…

They head off, past a KOREAN STREET VENDOR with a foldout table loaded with videocassettes and DVDs.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

Number one films! All films! Originals! Cheap!

A PEDESTRIAN stops by the table and peruses.

PEDESTRIAN

What have you got here?

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

I got all number one films. Originals. You buy them. Be first to own. DVD or video, I don’t care, you buy whichever, I don’t care.

PEDESTRIAN

Let’s see…

(reading the names)

Star Battles, Star Battles 2: The Return of Yodi, The Lord of DeepRing, SpiderFriend… I don’t know, man, something’s fishy here.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

No! No fish! DVDs, videos! You buy, take home, watch, laugh, cry, rethink life, maybe make different choices in future—

PEDESTRIAN

No, these are all cheap knockoffs.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

No! All originals!

A DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER steps up, waving a videotape.

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

Hey man, you ripped me off.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

What?

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

This is not the original.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

What you buy?

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II. Uh—I wasn’t paying attention, and I’m not very smart, so I was tricked by you.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

No—it is original! You look, I show you! No returns! Top quality!

The vendor pops the tape into a crappy monitor with a VHS machine propped up on milk crates behind him. He presses Play and we go FULL SCREEN with the crap title sequence to The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II.

(NOTE: The following “film” is shot on film, then projected in a real theatre, and reshot with handheld video.)

GRAPHIC: The title, cut off at both sides, too big for the screen.

MUSIC: Grandiose, orchestral… but also, clearly done by one guy on his synthesizer… in a basement in Beijing

The scenes we are about to see are all dubbed in Korean, but we will write them and shoot them in English, because… you’ll see.

OPEN ON: Establishing shots—

EXT. A FOREST

EXT. A MOUNTAINSIDE

EXT. A CUTE HUT

What I am writing are all shitty English subtitles… because we are hearing it in Korean, remember?

FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)

One time there was a ring. This ring was mad if you were mad. And nice if you were nice. So, no mad person should ever wear it on their finger-hand.

We hear the singing voices of little people.

Camera passes through a bush to reveal a group of guys in elf costumes, all on their knees, in a circle, singing. The audio track clicks, jumps, and is horrible.

ELVES

All is well in Glooby-town, life is fun when you’re a Glooby. We will sing and dance all day, and drink muffet tea by the robot friend.

They continue singing and reveal ARTIE-BLEEP-BLOOP, a squarish R2-D2 robot which is clearly a midget in a trash can, dancing around and blooping and bleeping. (His face is cut out in a clumsy, amateur effect.)

ROBOT

I love you all. I am your robot friend. We are friends forever. True love always. Look out, evil is all around.

EXT. RIDGE

Rising over the ridge comes our film’s cheapo Darth Vader: “DEATH RAIDER” with a flowing robe (it’s Paul Tompkins on Jay Johnston’s shoulders, with a batting helmet, and an intercom taped to his mouth, and ski goggles). He wears a paper plate with macaroni painted black as a chest plate.

Behind him comes our Gollum: “MOLLUG.” This is TOM KENNY, or BLAINE CAPATCH, wearing a dirty bodysuit, rolling a yo-yo up and down, and slobbering.

MOLLUG

What do you see, Master?

DEATH RAIDER

We must vanquish the Gloobies! Before they bring joy to the universe, by being nice and wearing the ring!

Both laugh. Death Raider pulls out a “light saber,” which is a flashlight, with the “saber” part scratched into the film.

FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)

Meanwhile, somewhere else…

EXT. SUBURBAN HOME

Placid setting.

INT. BEDROOM

A boy named ELI is looking at something curiously. He offers, towards camera, a popsicle.

ELI

Come on… try the happy pop! You’ll like it.

ANGLE ON: A handpuppet. Or a doll held by a guy wearing all black, as though you won’t see him. It shakes around and makes weird whiny noises, or the same noises as the Artie-Bleep-Bloop.

ELI (CONT’D)

What’s wrong? Don’t be afraid. I come in peace.

The puppet eats the popsicle.

ELI (CONT’D)

I am lost here on your planet. Just for a short time. Can I stay in your nice suburban home?

A noise offscreen.

MOM

Honey, are you doing your homework?

Eli is scared and hides. The puppet waggles out from the closet and looks over to the door.

A puppet mom enters through the door.

MOM (CONT’D)

I heard noises. Are you okay?

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. STREET

The Korean Street Vendor and the Disgruntled Customer have been watching this and resume their argument. Some PASSERSBY stop to listen in.

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

That’s a bunch of crap! It’s not what I paid for!

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

This is classic movie! Original! Changed people’s lives! No refunds! Original film!

PEDESTRIAN

Can’t you tell? It’s just a cheap Korean rip-off!

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

No, it’s not, that’s the problem! I wish it was! I wanted to purchase a cheap Korean knockoff of an American film.

PEDESTRIAN

Why?

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

For laughs—so I could feel my culture was superior—I don’t know! But this thing… it’s a fraud.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

No, I taped it myself in shitty theatre in Korea!

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

Then you got ripped off, man! Because this movie is a crappy American version of a cheap Korean rip-off of some overrated American classic that’s been dubbed into Korean and then subtitled back into English!

Everyone is a little confused.

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER (CONT’D)

Just press Play, watch a little longer…

Now everyone is intrigued and they start the tape again, to see the Death Raider character slaying Gloobies with his etched-in light saber. He finishes, the music is triumphant!

DEATH RAIDER

And now, Mollug, have you found the ring?

Mollug leans into a Glooby’s dying face.

MOLLUG

Where is the ring? The one true ring?

DYING GLOOBY

I cannot tell you. You must ask the fairy.

DEATH RAIDER

Fairy? I cannot even see fairies! I am too huge! They are so small!

He laughs. The Korean dubbing cuts off, and we hear them speaking English, with terrible acting through the remainder of this piece…

DYING GLOOBY

Then use this magical lens of magnification.

The Glooby holds out a magnifying glass and then dies. Mollug, the Gollum, hands the glass to Death Raider.

DEATH RAIDER

But how will I find a fairy?

MOLLUG

You can hear them sing. Listen!

We hear strange theremin-type music. Mollug points.

MOLLUG (CONT’D)

There it is… a fairy! Right between that beer can and that pumpkin.

ANGLE ON: Real beer can and real pumpkin.

ANGLE ON: Death Raider. He holds the magnifying glass up to his eye and peers through it.

ANGLE ON: Person in FAIRY COSTUME floating between giant inflatable beer can and inflatable pumpkin-shaped jumping house.

FAIRY

Is it the ring you seek?

DEATH RAIDER

Yes, yes!

ANGLE ON: R2-D2 trash-can guy, blooping and beeping.

FAIRY

The ring is inside you. You must accept the almighty as your savior first to obtain its powers. Do you?

MOLLUG

I want to. I’m tired of living in a swamp full of deceit and lies.

DEATH RAIDER

I do too. I want to go to heaven when I die, and sing and pray all day.

FAIRY

Good. If you do that, then you can become anything you want to be, as you walk in the footsteps of the Lord most high.

MUSIC: Cheesy organ

All of the characters laugh warmly, Artie-Bleep-Bloop “bleep-bloops.”

A logo comes up reading: “Anointed Films Incorporated.”

EXT. STREET

The assembled on-lookers are all disgusted.

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER

See? It’s not even teenagers doing a shitty dress-up version of blockbusters, it’s a cheesy Christian version.

The Korean Street Vendor fesses up.

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

(losing his accent)

I know, I know. Guys, geez. Come on. Cut me some slack. Do you know how hard it is to trick people into seeing Christian movies? I’m dying out here.

Bob and David feel bad for him, but…

DAVID

Sorry, not biting today, I’m a Science-ologist!

KOREAN STREET VENDOR

Oh, I have Battlefield Earth—the original!

DAVID

No, no, a Science-ologist, it’s very different than Scientology. We believe all that Xenu stuff happened seventy trillion years ago, that’s a five-trillion year difference… they’re just being absurd.

BOB

Come on, let’s get those physicals!

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, WAITING AREA

Various SAD CASES wait for a doctor. One BEVERLY HILLS LADY is at the desk talking to the nurse.

BEVERLY HILLS LADY

Yes, I would like to get more work done on my face.

NURSE

Can you be more specific?

BEVERLY HILLS LADY

Yes. I’d like to look like… Kathy Griffin.

The nurse nods and pulls up a chart for the Lady.

NURSE

Here, take this chart, it shows the eleven stages of Kathy Griffin… just circle one.

Camera follows the Beverly Hills Lady to the waiting area where we land on Bob and David waiting. David is reading a magazine. Bob is annoyed.

BOB

David, we just need physicals, we only have ’til five o’clock. Why do we have to wait for some special doctor?

DAVID

Bob, it’s totally worth it. These guys are the best Doctors in Hollywood.

David points and we see an Oscar-like statue reading: “D, B, and T, Best Hollywood Doctors.”

BOB

No David… it says “Best Hollywood Doctors.”

DAVID

Uh… yeah, in Hollywood.

RECEPTIONIST

Ginny Burkins?

GINNY, a nervous young woman, crosses into doctor’s office.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

GINNY enters the Doctor’s office, its walls lined with certificates, awards, and actors’ headshots. The DOCTOR is on the phone, distractedly listening, not writing it down…

DOCTOR

(on the phone)

Yeah… brain tumor, cysts, sure, fever… it’s done, I got it all, I wrote it down… it’s fine, don’t worry about it, I got it covered. No, I wrote it all down. Well those guys are assholes. Bye.

He hangs up and turns to Ginny, speaking quickly, cutting her off at every turn—

DOCTOR (CONT’D)

What is it? What do you want?

GINNY

I heard you were the best Doctor in Hollywood.

DOCTOR

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you got for me?

GINNY

Well, last summer I was diagnosed with—

DOCTOR

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

GINNY

—stomach cancer and I went for further tests—

DOCTOR

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

GINNY

And there’s still—

DOCTOR

Done!

She stops talking.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)

Done, taken care of. It’s gone. Don’t worry about it.

GINNY

What…?

DOCTOR

I’ll make a call. Forget that…

(shouting out his open door)

Sharon, get the O.R. on the phone, taking the stomach out. Now!

GINNY

Wait… no, I mean… I don’t want surgery.

DOCTOR

You want a water.

GINNY

No. I don’t have stomach cancer. The tests came out negative.

DOCTOR

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, I can work with that, no problem. Keep your stomach. Let me get Doctor Wilson in here, pitch it to him, okay?

(shouting out the door)

Sharon! Get Drs. Wilson and Melchowitz in here, pronto!

(to Ginny)

You don’t want a water, Kombucha? Nothing. Fine.

TWO DOCTORS, WILSON and MELCHOWITZ, enter and immediately start kissing ass.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)

Doctors, this is Ginny Rosemont. She’s going to get her stomach taken care of here.

WILSON

Great.

MELCHOWITZ

It’s exciting.

GINNY

Well, it’s not my stomach.

DOCTOR

Okay, we can work with that, right guys?

WILSON

Yup.

GINNY

The pain persisted, though, and it traveled into my intestine…

DOCTOR

Fine. Stop. I get it. I get where you’re going and I love it. Am I alone?

WILSON

I think it’s great, yeah.

MELCHOWITZ

I see it.

DOCTOR

(shouting out the door again)

Sharon, prep O.R., all three of us! We’re going in now! This is our number one priority for the rest of the day, this is what we’re working on!

GINNY

But I—

Doctor’s phone rings. He picks it up.

DOCTOR

What? Uh-huh. Sick? Fuck that disease. You don’t need that. I don’t see you with that disease. That’s not a good fit. That disease is an asshole. Head straight for the O.R. Shh, shh… It’s my only priority, bye.

He turns back to Ginny and the other two Doctors.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)

Okay, what are we doing here? Are we good here? Are we done? Ginny will validate your parking.

GINNY

I’m Ginny.

DOCTOR

Yup, got it. What? What?

WILSON

Done.

MELCHOWITZ

I love it.

The Doctors hurriedly leave. Ginny, completely overwhelmed and disarmed, watches them go…

Camera pulls out to ext. of building.

MUSIC: Heartrending, we sit on Ginny, alone…

EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, HOLLYWOOD BLVD

Bob and David enter frame, and walk along, looking at their physical forms.

BOB

I’m in tip-top shape for moviemaking.

DAVID

Me, too, clean bill of health, and according to this I haven’t done drugs for six months.

BOB

I think you have mine.

They exchange forms. Bob’s cell phone rings, he checks it.

BOB (CONT’D)

Oh, it’s my wife.

He answers the phone, and becomes wildly argumentative.

BOB (CONT’D)

Yes?! What?! I don’t know! No! Of course! Fine! Love you!

Bob hangs up.

DAVID

(warily)

How’s that going?

BOB

(ferociously)

Great! Get off my back!!

DAVID

Hey, hey, all right.

BOB

(suddenly calm)

You really should get married. It changes your life.

DAVID

(upset)

I’ve tried, Bob. Remember.

Bob nods, off his thoughtful look we—

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. NICE RESTAURANT

BOB and his wife, NAOMI, sit at a table in this very nice restaurant.

BOB

David should be here any minute.

NAOMI

What’s this girl’s name again?

BOB

I don’t know, it’s Lilly or Lana or something. He met her like, two weeks ago, and now they’re getting married already. It seems pretty crazy.

NAOMI

Let’s just be happy for him.

BOB

I am, I mean, I heard she’s hot, so…

(Bob’s eyes widen)

Holy shit… is that her?

David, in suit and tie and sporting a full head of hair, enters with his fiancée LETHA BOMBZ, a stripper wearing stripper clothes, looking very hot.

DAVID

Hey, guys, I want you to meet my fiancée, Letha. Letha, this is Bob and Naomi. Guys, Letha Bombz.

BOB

Wow! Nice to meet you.

DAVID

Yeah, we’re so happy, we’re just bursting.

LETHA

I’m happy, too. He’s my favorite.

NAOMI

Oh. So, “Letha Bombz,” that’s an interesting name. What nationality are you?

LETHA

Oh, yeah, I’m studying to be a veterinarian or a lawyer. I’m so into David, though, he says he’s going to put me through veterinarian college or lawyer school.

NAOMI

Great. So, where did you guys meet?

LETHA

At the club.

DAVID

Yeah, The Salty Unicorn, it was really magical. We met and danced for like, three… hundred dollars. It was really very special.

BOB AND NAOMI

Yeah/Sounds special.

WAITER

(to David and Letha)

Madame, Monsieur, can I get you a cocktail?

Letha checks out the wine list.

LETHA

Yeah, do you have a room where I can get champagne?

WAITER

I can bring you champagne in this room.

LETHA

I’d like a glass of champagne, then. Oh, and can it cost thirty dollars, please?

The confused Waiter nods.

LETHA (CONT’D)

Oh, I’ve gotta go. You stay right here. I’ll be right back in a minute.

She kisses David on the cheek.

NAOMI

Are you going to the bathroom?

LETHA

(confusedly)

No.

Letha leaves.

DAVID

Oh my God, you guys, she’s awesome! Isn’t she awesome?

Bob and Naomi swallow their doubts.

NAOMI

She’s great.

BOB

Hey, buddy… uh, you have no problem with her being a stripper?

DAVID

(laughs)

She’s not a stripper, Bob, she’s a dancer. Big difference. Huge. It’s a new millennium, get with it. I just want you guys to be happy for me.

BOB AND NAOMI

We are… yeah…

Letha returns to the table, sweaty, sipping a water, like she just got offstage from dancing.

LETHA

(surprised to see David)

Oh, you’re still here! What’s going on?

David stands up and puts an arm around her, she gently removes it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

DAVID

We were just talking… about us.

David and Letha turn to go.

BOB

So, aren’t you guys having dinner?

DAVID

Oh, I can’t, Bob, I’m so in love I’m not hungry. All I can eat are chocolate Santas.

BOB

Well, I guess you’re really in love.

DAVID

Yup. It’s great.

Bob and Naomi watch them go.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SMALL-TOWN MAIN STREET

MUSIC: Scored throughout, like a ’70s cheap horror film, The Stepford Wives

Dolly down Main street of a perfect Disney/David Lynch small town. Couples pass camera, none with kids. All the women are super-hot stripper types, all the men are pasty, slovenly, nerdy guys.

DAVID (V.O.)

So, we got married and moved into a quaint little town that Letha knew about. There were lots of other couples there, and they had free peanuts at the street corners, speakers in the trees, and a free brunch every day.

ANGLE ON: Speaker in tree. Hot, pumping stripper-rock playing.

End on small town sign: “Welcome to Cheetah’s III, pop. 346” beside a liquor license.

DAVID (V.O.)

It was great. The years went by, and Letha really did make me feel special…

MUSIC: The stripper rock song playing on the town speakers becomes louder, more present as it underscores—

A MONTAGE

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

NOTE—The following montage is staged in a camera lock-off position. A picture window shows seasonal changes outside.

David sits in a recliner, watching as Letha dances, peeling off panties and bras, and tossing them to David, who smells them and sets them aside in an ever-growing pile. David’s hair thins as the years go on, fall passes, decorations give way to a—christmas tree in the corner. Letha doing a table dance just for David, there’s money all around her, and David throws more. This is replaced by a full-frame of a

GRAPHIC: A FIRST ANNIVERSARY CARD

… it opens as it wipes screen and we hear Letha’s voice reading the inscription..

LETHA (V.O.)

To a very special guy.…

Then we are back in the lock-off camera outside the same house. Inside, a birthday celebration. David sits in the same chair, birthday paper hat on his head. Letha dances.

LETHA (V.O.)

You’re my favorite…

We DISSOLVE AGAIN to the lock-off shot outside the house—colorful leaves on the tree, panties in the corner piled high.

LETHA (V.O.)

You’re so nice, and sweet, and funny, and um… God, these fucking heels are killing me. My shoes hurt…

She pulls him into a jello pit in the center of their living room. A BOUNCER in referee outfit watches, after which we DISSOLVE TO:

A SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY CARD, and as we see Letha’s personal inscription… we hear her voice.

LETHA (V.O.)

(her inscription)

Anyway, you’re so sweet and… wait, you’re David, right?

DAVID (V.O.)

I guess I was pretty happy, but one day I had to see the mayor about a discrepancy in my bill…

END MONTAGE

EXT. CITY HALL

Small-town city hall building.

EXT. THE OUTER DOOR OF THE MAYOR’S OFFICE

POV: A sign reads, “The Honorable Jimmy B., Mayor.” The door opens, revealing… an office as cluttered and dark as the office in a nightclub. MAYOR JIMMY B. sits behind a desk, with piles of cash on it. A BOUNCER stands behind him. Jimmy counts cash. He looks up to see David, timidly standing before him, holding his bill—

MAYOR

What’s up, kid?

DAVID

Oh, sorry to interrupt. It’s about my champagne bill, I don’t remember ordering—

The Mayor interrupts.

MAYOR

Look kid, you having a good time here?

DAVID

Sure.

MAYOR

Okay good, when people come to my town I want them to have a good time. (to Bouncer) Cappy, give the kid a V.I.P. pass. (getting up) All right? We square? That’ll get you free parking and a discount on sexy tomatoes. I gotta go see a man about a horse. (beat) For real. A real horse. I don’t gotta pee.

They watch David leave, then the Mayor nods to the Bouncer. They walk through an unmarked door behind the Mayor’s desk. A beat. Then David reenters the office.

DAVID

If I could just…

David notices the secret door is ajar. He watches through the opening.

David’s P.O.V.

INT. STRIP CLUB LOCKER ROOM

We see the town’s WIVES, standing by lockers in various stages of undress. Jimmy B. takes control.

MAYOR

All right girls, gather ’round. Let’s go over the monthlies. Devin St. Pierre, Devin St. Luscia, Letha…

ANGLE ON: Letha, dressed as “The Wife,” takes off her blond wig and dresses in a stripper outfit.

ANGLE ON: Eavesdropping David, confused…

MAYOR (CONT’D)

Devin St. Devin…

LETHA

Call us by our real names, Jimmy.

MAYOR

Okay, Cindy.

David is appalled.

MAYOR (CONT’D)

One of your husbands was just bugging me about his champagne bill, and it wasn’t even that high.

LETHA

Which one? Was it Henry, the bald guy with the toupee? You should kick him out of town, I think he’s running out of money.

MAYOR

Nah. It’s one of the other ones. The dark-haired one.

LETHA

The little gayish one? Kinda jewy. Smells like old cans?

MAYOR

Yeah.

LETHA

That’s David. I can pump him for an extra couple of bottles a week. I know I can, Jimmy.

MAYOR

Well get to it.

PUSH IN: on horrified David.

MAYOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Okay listen, we’re opening up a new town, so I need you ladies to get some new husbands. Now get out there and shake your ass!

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. DINER

David is passionately addressing other HUSBANDS: HUTCH, DEAN, and TODD.

DAVID

I’m telling you! I saw it with my own eyes! Hutch, I saw your wife, Devin, take off her wig and…

HUTCH

Wig? My wife doesn’t have a wig!

DAVID

And her name isn’t Devin, it’s Tina. And Dean, I heard your wife say that her OTHER husbands are buying more champagne than you!

DEAN

Other husbands? I’m her only husband.

DAVID

How can you be sure?

DEAN

Because she tells me! Every night she tells me I’m the best guy she’s met all night!

KEN

My wife tells me the exact same thing!

TODD

My wife does… too…

They realize how strange this is…

HUTCH

David, whatever you’re saying, it’s just paranoia, man.

DAVID

Oh yeah? Ask yourselves, have you ever had sex with your wives? Ever?

No answer… They look at each other, at the ground…

DAVID (CONT’D)

Have you? Have you…

CUT TO:

EXT. STEPS OF CITY HALL

CLOSE ON: David, loudly ranting—

DAVID (O.C.)

(shouting)

Have any of you ever had sex with your wives? Huh?

DOLLY BACK to reveal David on city hall steps speaking to a small mob of HUSBANDS.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Because it’s a lie, gentlemen! You’re not special! You’re not different from all the other guys in town! You’re being played for suckers!

VOICE IN THE CROWD

Not me!

DAVID

Oh, yeah, answer my question: Have you ever had sex with your wife?!

A couple Husbands raise their hands.

DAVID (CONT’D)

And lap dances don’t count!

All hands go down, except for TODD.

TODD

Um, what if you come in your pants?

DAVID

No!

Todd’s hand goes down.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Ask yourself, have you ever heard of a town with a cover charge?! Jim, haven’t you ever noticed, you have the same wife as Tony. Different wig. Have you ever had your two wives together? No! They’re stringing us along, guys!

Jimmy B. and two GOONS watch from across the street.

JIMMY B.

What the hell is going on?

They take in David for a beat.

DAVID

It’s a lie, gentlemen! A lie! This whole town is a lie!

One of the Goons reaches inside his coat for a gun, but Jimmy stops him, “be cool.”

DAVID (CONT’D)

Listen, we can leave here, find real wives to marry, who would have sex with us!

MONTY

Would they be hot?

DAVID

No, not like these wives, no. But they’d love you, for real, and they’d be pretty… on the inside!

David is losing them…

DAVID (CONT’D)

And it wouldn’t just be about your money! It’d be about who you are as a person!

HUTCH

Wait a second, go back, they’re not as hot?

DEAN

They wouldn’t wear just underwear all the time?

DAVID

No, of course not! They wouldn’t wear underwear all the time! But they’d love you…

KEN

(JIMMY KIMMEL)

Would they dance for us while we watched football?

DAVID

(really angry)

NO!! These would be real, independent women, with their own ideas, and identities, and ambitions!

A long pause, the Husbands mutter amongst themselves.

MONTY

I’m gonna stay here.

DEAN

Yeah, me too.

ANGLE ON: Jimmy B. and Goons, smiling. They nod to each other and head off.

ANGLE ON: David, dumbfounded.

DAVID

What?

The Husbands wander off, chattering…

HUSBANDS CHATTER

It’s okay! / I kinda figured it out a while ago. / Me, too! / I’m cool with it.

David is left on the steps, alone, as the crowd disperses. CRANE SHOT rises as David falls to his knees.

DAVID

(screaming)

Noooooooo!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. RESTAURANT, SIDEWALK SEATING

ANGLE ON: A JAMES CAMERON GUY at a table with STUDIO GUY in a sharp suit.

CAMERON

(acting)

“Nooooooo!”

STUDIO GUY

Great, hero on his knees, all alone. Sounds like you’ve got an ending. Now, let’s hear about the beginning.

CAMERON

Okay, that’s all I’ve got on that one… an ending.

STUDIO GUY

Mm. All right, well, you’re the master. Everyone at the studio is so happy with your work. I mean, your last movie was truly a titanic success, we just think you’re the king of the world, and we want whatever you got next.

CAMERON

I got nothin’.

STUDIO GUY

Fine, we’re in.

A beat. Their food arrives.

STUDIO GUY (CONT’D)

Seriously, though, maybe we can brainstorm, you know, while we eat.

Cameron nods.

ANGLE ON: Bob and David being seated behind James Cameron as they are handed menus.

BOB

Wow, this place is nice.

DAVID

Oh, Bob, this is the hot place to eat-and-be-seen-eating in La-La-Land.

BOB

Wow, look at all these stupid showbiz assholes.

A glimpse of various Hollywood shmoozer couples. Don Simpson/Jennifer Garner pair. Courtney Love/Gay hairdresser, etc.

DAVID

Yeah, it’s pretty cool, huh?

BOB

Yeah.

Bob takes out a pen to write on a napkin.

BOB (CONT’D)

Okay, so… what’s our concept?

DAVID

Huh?

BOB

For our movie. The lady said we had to get a concept for the film, remember?

DAVID

(distractedly reading menu)

A twenty-dollar hot dog?

ANGLE ON: David’s menu, one item: “Le Hot Dog… 20 dollars”

ANGLE ON: Bob, mulling David’s statement.

BOB

Hm. A movie about a twenty-dollar hot dog? Okay, okay, that’d be like “In a world turned upside down, where hot dogs are twenty dollars…”

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy slurping soup, a thoughtful look on his face.

CAMERON

I think I’ve got something. For the new movie. Just came to me.

STUDIO GUY

I’m listening.

CAMERON

Upside-down world. If the world turned upside down.

STUDIO GUY

The whole world? That would be inside-out, then, right?

CAMERON

(dismayed)

Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

ANGLE ON: Bob and David.

BOB

“… one man fights for the last hot dog!”

David looks up from his menu.

DAVID

What?

BOB

I was riffing on your hot dog idea.

DAVID

No, no, they have a hot dog, on the menu, for twenty dollars. A New York–style hot dog.

BOB

Oh. New York–style? Cool.

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.

CAMERON

Okay… okay… got a cool idea. What if it’s just New York? Upside-down New York!

STUDIO GUY

Huh?

CAMERON

Yeah, yeah… some kind of gravitational flux causes the city to flip, and people are fighting for… CEILING SPACE!

STUDIO GUY

It’s great. That’s a great title.

The Studio Guy excitedly takes notes.

CAMERON

Better one: New York, York New!

STUDIO GUY

Now we got two!

ANGLE ON: Bob and David, ordering from the waiter…

BOB

… and I’ll take the ten-dollar oatmeal bucket.

Waiter takes their menus.

DAVID

Dude, let’s totally do an underground movie, with real street cred, ’cause all these big bombs just make me mad, man.

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.

CAMERON

Okay… how about this, a madman is dropping bombs, big bombs, on the streets, and people have to go underground to save themselves…?

STUDIO GUY

Yeah, yeah…

ANGLE ON: Bob and David eating massive hot dogs. Bob talks through a mouthful of food.

BOB

… so, you know, I told you about my favorite shirt, right?

DAVID

That ancient blue thing?

BOB

Yeah. I lost a button on it, and I’m like so pissed. If I don’t find that button it’s over, the end of the world, for that shirt.

DAVID

Damn.

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.

CAMERON

Yeah… yeah, so they have to find this ancient button, and press it, to reverse gravity, or it’s the end of the world.

STUDIO GUY

Great! This is great stuff!

ANGLE ON: David and Bob finishing their hot dogs.

DAVID

Yeah… so last night the Angels game was on, also the Devils were playing, so it was like the ultimate battle with my roommate for the remote control.

BOB

That dick? He acts like he’s the last guy on earth.

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.

CAMERON

… and so then, our hero, “Dick”… the last man on earth, has to battle Angels… and Devils in a remote—

ANGLE ON: Bob and David.

BOB

Too bad you can’t change the setting on your remote to “stun.”

David laughs at this lame joke.

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy and Studio Guy.

CAMERON

… a remote… set-ting.

ANGLE ON: Bob and David have finished their hot dogs/oatmeal buckets.

DAVID

Great oatmeal. How much is this gonna cost?

ANGLE ON: Studio Guy.

STUDIO GUY

Wait a second, what’s the price tag on this thing?

ANGLE ON: Bob, slurping the last bit of oatmeal.

BOB

Let’s see that bill.

Bob looks at it…

BOB (CONT’D)

Ninety-one dollars?

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy.

CAMERON

I don’t know, upside-down New York… 91 million?

STUDIO GUY

(taken aback)

Ahhh… I don’t know. It’s a bit pricey.

ANGLE ON: Bob Guy feels bad about the bill.

BOB

I don’t know…

DAVID

No, man, you’re holding it upside down.

Bob flips it over and is pleasantly surprised.

BOB

Got it—

ANGLE ON: James Cameron Guy.

CAMERON

I got it! Turn the camera upside down. Shoot it in New York.

STUDIO GUY

That we can do!

ANGLE ON: Bob, looking at the bill right side up now.

BOB

That’s much better.

DAVID

Cool. You pay, I gotta go take a dump.

BOB

That’s great to hear. I’ll spread the word!

ANGLE ON: Studio Guy to Cameron, excitedly—

STUDIO GUY

Great. I can’t wait to tell the world about your next piece of shit… oops!

CUT TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.

Bob and David walking down the street.

BOB

Well, we still need a concept for our movie.

DAVID

Yeah.

BOB

Okay, so, like what are your favorite films? Name a few.

DAVID

It’s hard to say… I’ve still never seen a movie.

BOB

Well, there’s our problem right there. We should see a movie.

A WOMAN approaches with a clipboard that reads “Free movie tickets.”

WOMAN

Free movie tickets! Would you like to see a screening of a new movie?

DAVID

Check it out. Our prayers are answered.

INT. MOVIE THEATRE - CONTINUOUS

Bob and David enter the screening and find seats in the back. An energetic, overly cheerful TESTER gets everyone’s attention at the front of the theatre.

TESTER

Okay, everybody in? Come down to the front.

Bob and David remain in the back.

TESTER (CONT’D)

We’re going to show you some scenes from a new film, a work in progress. Then we’ll have a free-form discussion. And afterwards, there is free pizza, as promised. Just to make sure, you’re all boys between the ages of thirteen and eighteen, right?

They are all teenage boys, wearing rock T-shirts, looking like slobs and a little awkward.

TESTER (CONT’D)

Great, we really think you’ll enjoy this, because it’s a movie about stock car racing.

ANGLE ON: The boys are excited, a few high fives.

TESTER (CONT’D)

Its working title is Raging Racers.

Theatre goes dark as we see on the screen:

Title: “Clips from ‘Raging Racers’ ” (NOTE: THIS FILM IS A PARODY/HOMAGE TO BAZ LUHRMANN, LIKE MOULIN ROUGE, SO PICTURE IT THAT WAY, SATURATED COLORS, OVERBLOWN EVERYTHING.)

EXT. TRAILER PARK

Wide shot of nastiest, rusted-out trailer home. A beater car is parked in front, we can faintly see a phantom of a number on the hood of the beater, like it’s been raced in a demolition derby. A scraggly dog bellows sadly.

SFX: In a circle in the corner of the screen, a greasy looking PIT CREW CHIEF addresses us.

PIT CREW CHIEF

This here’s the story of Danni Maqueef, the greatest car racer the South has ever seen.

Intense POST-EFFECT push-in through trailer-home window…

INT. TRAILER HOME

A cluttered, threadbare home. DANNI, a six-year old girl with pigtails, each tied with ribbons, one blue, one pink, kneels on the gross shag carpeting playing with Matchbox cars.

SFX: Real racetrack sounds.

PIT CREW CHIEF

There’s Danni, right now she’s just a kid. That’s right, she. It’s Danni with an “I.” Uh-oh, here comes her father, the widower “Stumpy” Haskins.

SWISH PAN to the door violently swinging open. Quick push in on “STUMPY.” He is drunk, has stump legs (Dorf on Golf), with garish Moulin Rouge–style makeup, and waves a bottle of Mad Dog.

STUMPY

(yelling) Danni! Where the hell’s the who what for?

The DOG on the bottle of wine comes to life and barks.

MAD DOG

Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!

Stumpy barks back at it, scaring it.

STUMPY

Graarrff!!

(sees Danni playing with cars)

Goddammit. Put those cars away! You’re a girl! You should be doing girl things!

Danni breaks into tears.

DANNI

If girls can’t race, then I don’t wanna be a girl!

Animated question marks appear over Stumpy’s head accompanied by bubbly sounds.

STUMPY

What are you saying?

DANNI

I’m gonna cut my hair!

She runs down the hall. HANDHELD CAMERA runs backward with her, into the bathroom, and the door slams shut before Stumpy can get a foot in it.

INT. BATHROOM

Danni looks in the mirror where a racing card of Giles “Studs” Manly Sr. comes to life and tells her…

STUDS MANLEY

Follow your dreams!

She picks up a pair of scissors and cuts off her pigtails. Stumpy bangs on the door.

STUMPY (O.C.)

Don’t you cut your pigtails, young lady!

His head bursts through and the camera swirls up and into his sputtering mouth.

STUMPY (CONT’D) (O.C.)

You’ll never be a racing person or fall in loooooooove!

She tosses her pigtails into the toilet and flushes. The toilet flush handle ignites the sound of…

SFX: A Drag Racer Engine…

As the colorful pigtails swirl around in the water, they transform into…

EXT. RACETRACK, OVERHEAD SHOT

A bright BLUE RACE CAR and a BRIGHT YELLOW CAR zipping around the track.

Graphic: “TWENTY YEARS LATER”

Camera ZOOMS down (post-effect) into frontage of dusty racetrack… according to the weatherbeaten sign (with colorful balloon-letters) it’s the “Camptown Racetrack (5 Miles Long)”

As the camera dollies past happy workers in colorful jumpsuits, a song begins…

All colors are oversaturated. Shooting is filled with Dutch angles, quick cuts, maniacal laughter, and other Moulin Rouge b.s.

PIT CREW DANCERS

(herky jerky melody)

Camptown racers sing this song,

Doo Dah, Doo Dah.

Camptown racetrack five miles long

Oh the doo dah day.

(melody suddenly sweet)

Gwine to love all night,

Gwine to love all day!

The singers are interrupted by Dancer #3.

DANCER

Hey it’s Doo Dah!

Two guys, covered in grease, dressed in muscle-T’s and sharing one pair of pants tromp over to the gang. One guy’s shirt reads, “DOO,” and the other’s reads, “DAH.” They do a gay dance.

DOO

Look out, gang, here comes Studs Manly!

DAH

The greatest race car driver in the south!

DOO

In my mouth?!

ANGLE ON: TEENAGE VIEWER in theatre, confused and uncomfortable.

ON-SCREEN: An older “Stumpy” bursts out of the “office.”

STUMPY

Shut up you two… or one… or… oh whatever! Danni!

INT. RACETRACK, OFFICE

Danni enters the colorful pigsty office of the track, wiping grease from her hands. She looks pretty butch.

DANNI

What is it, Pops?

STUMPY

It’s your lucky day. I swore I’d never do this, but, well… Studs Manly is on his way over and he needs someone to race against. Dilly Chestholder is getting his stomach pumped, and Bugs Vapor got his foot stuck in a man, so you’re all I’ve got.

DANNI

But I thought I couldn’t ’cause I was a girl!

Stumpy shushes her and hands her a big, bushy moustache.

STUMPY

Shhh, wear this and no one will know.

CLOSE ON: Danni looking at the moustache.

A Racing Flag wipes the screen and we—

CUT TO:

INT. DANNI’S CAR

MUSIC throughout—

Danni with a fake moustache looks very much like a guy, though she still has lipstick on. She guns her engine and checks out STUDS in the next car. We push in to STUDS, who looks her up and down lasciviously and sneers. The closer we pull in to him the more we see that he, too, has a bit of lipstick and maybe some eyeliner on. They both talk/sing the following…

STUDS

Get your motor runnin’.

DANNI

Head out on the highway?

DOO DAH walks up between the two cars and starts the race. The race is filmed on a set with the background just a blur behind the cars.

STUDS

I’ll be coming around the racetrack when I come.

DANNI

I’ll be coming around the racetrack when I come.

Now they start to get more romantic, and suddenly Studs seems to have heavier makeup on, and lip gloss.

STUDS AND DANNI TOGETHER

We’ll be comin around the racetrack, we’ll be comin around the racetrack.

They leave their cars, join hands, and are whisked away up to the heavens, leaving a trail of stars behind them. They waltz around the evening sky amongst hundreds of stars.

STUDS AND DANNI TOGETHER (CONT’D)

We’ll be coming around the racetrack when weeeeee coooome.

They gaze into each other’s eyes and are about to kiss, but turn away dramatically. Studs jumps onto the smiling moon and sings—

STUDS

One hundred twinkling stars in the sky, one hundred twinkling stars. I take one down, (he plucks one and takes a bite of it) pass it around. (He gently places the star on Danni’s chest.)

STUDS AND DANNI TOGETHER

Ninety-nine twinkling stars in the sky.

They gaze into each other’s eyes again, are about to kiss, then both turn away dramatically. Studs breaks into an insane jig.

STUDS

Love, love the magical fruit. The more you eat it, the more you toot.

Studs lightly farts and cartoon hearts float up, Danni is charmed. They lean in to kiss.

And the movie stops with a short graphic: END OF CLIP.

INT. THEATRE

LIGHTS UP as the TESTER takes the stage, clapping, alone.

TESTER

Okay, so there we go. Again, you are our target audience, and so, just cut loose—what did you think of it?

The teenage boys are stunned.

TESTER (CONT’D)

Okay… okay… let me put it this way. First of all how many of you would say you loved it? Show of hands.

No hands go up.

TESTER (CONT’D)

Okay, zero, that’s fine. How many would say you liked it, it was “okay”?

Again, nothing.

TESTER (CONT’D)

None of you, fine. Now how many would say it was horrible? You just hated it.

Every hand goes up.

TESTER (CONT’D)

One, two, three… uhh… pretty much everyone. That’s fine, by the way. Now, let’s get some specifics, can anyone tell me what they didn’t like about it?

The weirded-out kids grunt and scoff, shaking their heads.

TESTER (CONT’D)

Somebody, come on… How ’bout we start with you?

KID #1

It was bad.

TESTER

Mm-hm, anybody else?

KID #2

It wasn’t good.

TESTER

Okay, little more specific, anybody?

KID #3

There’s something wrong with it, man…

TESTER

Okaaayy, well—

KID #4 is dressed in a black T-shirt, ripped army jacket, total KISS ARMY kid.

KID #4

Guys, come on, just say it! I mean, that movie was totally g—

He is interrupted by a high-pitched squeal from offscreen…

SCREECHING VOICE

I’m here!!!

In bursts JAZ LIPMANN, the film’s effeminate, eccentric director.

TESTER

(to Kid #4—)

Hold that thought—

Jaz bursts into a rant.

JAZ

I’m here! I’m late, I know! Slap me and call me sweetheart! Ugh, family business.

TESTER

Jaz? You’re not supposed to be here.

JAZ

I’m so sorry. Have you shown it yet?

TESTER

Yes, I was just getting a reaction from this gentleman.

Jaz is a ball of energy, unstoppable.

JAZ

Great. I directed this piece. And wrote it, and it’s a story from my heart, and I want to get it right. So tell me, what did you think?

KID #1

Uhh… I, uhhh…

TESTER

You were saying it was “totally g-” something?

JAZ

“Totally g-” what? Totally g-reat, g-ripping, g—anything. I can totally take it, seriously, just cut loose.

KID #1

Well… it was not… my kind of movie.

JAZ

Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t accept that. I mean, it’s got everything. Racing, music, a hot girl. You do like girls?

Kid #2 speaks up.

KID #2

There were no girls in that movie.

All the other kids murmur agreement.

JAZ

Of course there were. What do you mean?

Kid #3 pipes up, confused.

KID #3

Which one? It looked like two guys.

Murmurs of agreement.

JAZ

Danni. You know, that’s Danni with an “I” at the end—she’s a girl. And “Studs” couldn’t be more of a guy. I mean, you guys loved Studs, right? He’s totally 100 percent all-beef male.

KID #4

The dude with lipstick?

JAZ

Well, he had a splash of makeup on, I mean, that’s moviemaking. What are you implying?

TESTER

Yeah, you know if we could just let this first young man—

(pointing out Kid #1)

—say his piece. What was it again? “Totally g—”?

JAZ

G-usto, full of gusto?

TESTER

Let him speak.

KID #1

No… uh, totally—

(whispering)

—gay.

(louder)

Totally gay.

Murmurs growing.

KID #2

Really gay.

KID #3

Not gay like “lame,” but gay like, “gay.”

The group agrees.

JAZ

Okay, okay, is this a prank or something? Where are the cameras? I mean I’m watching a movie set at a racetrack, with macho racers. You know what, can we show the clip where Danni and Studs go to the oil rig that Danni works at and they get in a macho tough-guy wrestling fight… in the oil, and then sing—

All the kids interrupt with a chorus of boos.

KIDS

No! Please, no! Oooo!

JAZ

All right, all right… I’m just trying to understand, because, you know I, myself, am not gay. I have a wife—honey, are you in the back?

In the back of the theatre, Jaz’s very DYKEY WIFE stands up and waves.

JAZ (CONT’D)

I have my babies… there they are.

Down the aisle we see THREE PEKINGESE DOGS.

JAZ (CONT’D)

Hi, babies! I mean, I don’t understand this comment.

Kid #4 stands up.

KID #4

Could I say something?

JAZ

Please.

KID #4

(matter-of-factly)

I’m gay. Everybody knows I’m gay. Right?

KID #3

Yeah, Brad’s gay. Whatever.

KID #4

Anyway, this movie is very gay, but more importantly, you are gay.

JAZ

Okay, but let’s talk about the movie. You say you’re gay, and you say the movie’s gay, but you claim you don’t like the movie. I’m as confused as a pumpkin on Christmas Day.

KID #4

Forget about the movie for a second. Do you like men?

JAZ

I have sex with men.

KID #4

Do you like it?

JAZ

Like it? I love it.

KID #4

Well, that’s what being gay is. It’s more than that, but that’s sort of at the core of it.

JAZ

(stunned, getting emotional)

Oh. Okay. Wow. This explains so much. Well, this is great, I’ve learned a lot from you fellows.

He wipes a tear.

JAZ (CONT’D)

(singing)

When a boy teaches a man,

And pizza is part of the plan.

Then everybody can stand,

to lend a hand…

ANGLE ON: Bob and David in the back of the theatre.

DAVID

Man, I did not think that this could get any gayer.

Bob looks at David. Bob suddenly has slight lipstick and eyeliner.

BOB

(talk-singing)

Think again, David!

(singing)

There’s a world beside you… inside you…

David turns away…

DAVID

I’m outta here.

ANGLE ON: Bob, his makeup is suddenly gone.

BOB

(not singing)

Buddy, I was just kidding!

EXT. THEATRE

David and Bob exit, back onto Hollywood Blvd.

BOB

David, slow down.

DAVID

Bob, we’ve got ’til five o’clock, we can’t dick around.

BOB

Right, so what do we need next?

DAVID

Movie star.

BOB

Shit. We can’t afford a movie star. How about a future star?

DAVID

Someone who isn’t born yet?

BOB

No, not that much in the future. Just a few years. I mean, we’re in Hollywood. They must be everywhere. Throw a rock and you’ll hit one.

David tosses a rock in the air and it pings off something behind them. We hear…

PERFORMER

(OFFSCREEN)

Ow! Who threw that?

Bob and David turn and look pleased—

BOB

What did I tell ya?!

They see a STREET PERFORMER (played by BRIAN POSEHN!) in a Tin Man outfit, painted completely silver, funnel on his head. A sign reads, “Tin Man Robot Show.” There is a silver hat on the ground in front of him. He moves in a jerky motion, bending forward.

DAVID

Great, huh?

BOB

Wow, he’s really like a robot.

DAVID

Yeah, that used to be a tin man.

BOB

He seems really serious.

DAVID

Hey, let’s give him some bucks.

Bob and David drop dollars in his hat. The Performer explodes—

PERFORMER

What the fuck are you putting in my hat?

DAVID

What… we gave you some money.

PERFORMER

Just ’cause I’m sick, I don’t need your charity, asshole!

BOB

What charity? You’re a street performer!

PERFORMER

No, I’m not! I’m trying to pick up my goddamned hat!

DAVID

Well, you’re moving like a robot!

PERFORMER

I have arthritis.

TWO TOURISTS walk by and toss in coins. The Performer mutters…

PERFORMER (CONT’D)

Thank you.

BOB

What the—Wait, why are you dressed like a tin man?

PERFORMER

It’s sunblock! I could only get it in silver, they were out of clear!

DAVID

But your jacket, everything, your shoes!

PERFORMER

I PUT TOO MUCH ON!

BOB

Why are you wearing a funnel on your head?

PERFORMER

(pulling the funnel off)

God damn my roommate!

ANOTHER TOURIST drops a coin in his hat.

PERFORMER (CONT’D)

Thank you, sir.

BOB

What was that?

DAVID

What about the sign? Robot show?

The Performer is shocked.

PERFORMER

I didn’t even see that fuckin’ thing! Help me get my hat!

Bob helps The Performer get his hat. Under the hat is a cup.

BOB

What’s this cup for?

PERFORMER

It’s my good luck money cup. My father’s father gave that to me before he dyed… his hair.

A WOMAN strolls by, tossing a dollar in his cup.

PERFORMER (CONT’D)

Thank you.

DAVID

What the fuck?

BOB

What’s with the fucking money?

PERFORMER

That was my mom. She’s giving me money so I can wash my clothes.

BOB

You’re impossible!

The Performer growls at Bob. Bob growls back. The Performer walks off in a strange, herky-jerky manner. David taps Bob on the shoulder.

DAVID

Bob, check it out.

David points to a limo pulling up to the curb.

ANGLE ON: Bob and David, the limo, and its passengers are offscreen for the following…

BOB

You think it’s a movie star?

DAVID

No… I recognize that guy… he’s a famous film producer.

BOB

Really? How can you tell?

DAVID

Check out the Italian shoes, the hottie on his arm, and the ponytail. That’s the giveaway.

BOB

Wow! I had no idea you knew so much about filmmaking.

DAVID

I read a lot of magazines.

BOB

Hey, remember we need a lock of hair from a producer?

David pulls out a pair of scissors.

DAVID

I’m on the case.

ANGLE ON: OREN BURG, a film producer, a HOTTIE girlfriend, and FRANK, his accountant, all seen from behind. They approach a movie poster mounted on a theatre wall under a banner reading: PREMIERING TONITE!

OREN BURG

This is gonna be great. The culmination of one man’s brilliant vision.

FRANK

One man?

Oren ignores this. The three stare at the poster. From behind, Bob and David sneak up. Bob picks up Oren’s ponytail, David snips it off, and they run. Camera doesn’t move, as Oren snaps his head around.

OREN BURG

What the hell—?

FREEZE FRAME on his shocked expression.

GRAPHIC: “Film Producer, Oren Burg”

(Oren is played by David.)

MUSIC: Noodling melody, “Sugar in the Haystack,” like the Grateful Dead dicking around. Studio version.

In POST, we pull in past Oren’s face to the poster, and the poster is for a Woodstock type of movie called, NOODLESTOCK!… silhouettes of hippy musicians done in Day-Glo colors, crowd of hippies celebrating.

NOODLESTOCK! - DOCUMENTARY SHOT ON HI-DEF VIDEO, HANDHELD

EXT. FIELD

Overhead HELICOPTER SHOT of people arriving for music festival from all directions. A stage is set up.

OREN BURG (V.O.)

… it’s gonna be huge. Big. Bigger than Woodstock. It’s gonna make Woodstock look like a backyard barbecue for midgets.

EXT. FIELD

VARIOUS MODERN HIPPY-FOLK arriving with their sleeping bags, coolers, hippy-sticks, and smiles.

SINGERS (O.S.)

Sugar in the haystack

feelin’ so fine

Got a bag full of feelin’s

and some cockleberry wine

Take a bowl of whiskey down to the

water. Put your honey in an ol’ sally

swing. Drop a bag of lemons in a

cornball pea patch.

Tell Old Man Hutch go and love

everything…

INT. PROMOTER’S OFFICE

GRAPHIC, lower third: “Three Months Earlier”

OREN BURG’S office, cluttered, rock posters cover the walls. Oren is a super-hyperactive Bill Graham–type promoter who alternates between smoking a cigarette, a cigar, a pipe, chews tobacco, takes bites of “cigarette pie,” and applies nicotine patches at random throughout his monologue.

OREN BURG

This is gonna be great, this is gonna be big, it’s gonna make Woodstock look like the US Festival. So big that no stadium can hold it. Maybe that’s an idea—get every stadium, join them together, make one big stadium.

FRANK, Oren’s buttoned-down accountant…

FRANK

Oren… that’s going to be usurious, flying stadiums out to…

OREN BURG

Yeah, you’re right. I’m just blue-skyin’. How much would Canada cost us?

FRANK

Uhhh… I don’t have the numbers.

OREN BURG

Yeah, yeah… okay, yeah… how ’bout the Grand Canyon? Get me the Grand Canyon!

(picks up phone)

Grand Canyon?

(improvises)

Frank rolls his eyes…

INT. OFFICE

Frank holds up a rough poster, filled with band names, etc.

OREN BURG

What’s this? What the hell is this?

FRANK

Well, Oren, I got the crew to pull an all-nighter, and we came up with a, well, just look at it…

The poster is written in Peter Max–style lettering. Oren reads it…

OREN

“Noodlestock”… One Farmer’s Field—three days of song… Thirty bands… “Reunited Phish,” “String Cheese Incident,” “Deep Banana Blackout,” “Flibberty Jibbets and Wood,” and headliners… “The Spaghetti Fish Accident” headlining…

Oren grins…

OREN BURG

I like it… it’s big… it’s me… Let’s go find a field.

EXT. RUNDOWN CRAFTSMAN HOUSE

CLOSE ON SIGNS: “Bless This Mess” and “Trespassing Encouraged”

INT. BAND HOUSE

Living room filled with ratty couches, beat-up Victorian furniture, swatches of velvet hanging from walls, Persian rugs. Instruments—bongos, guitars, sitars—and five band members (though you can only see one of them; the others blend in to the couches, etc.—like the girl in Snatch); FLOOD, GYPSY, WHEAT, BARTHOLOMEW, and AMBER. FLOOD holds out the rough poster Oren was looking at in the last scene—

GRAPHIC: Band member names appear as they speak.

FLOOD

I think Oren is on to something. What do you say, gentlemen? Everybody up for a fest?

Rising out of a couch comes… GYPSY.

GYPSY

Yeah, man, I love to noodle…

From inside a sleeping bag on an indoor hammock pops WHEAT.

WHEAT

Yeah… I’m there. All I need are my banana pills and my sleepin’ hat.

From a beanbag chair BARTHOLOMEW emerges.

BARTHOLOMEW

Count me in.

A bathroom door creaks open and AMBER, a super-hippy sitting on the toilet, announces—

AMBER

Hey, I made this thing into a bong.

She holds out some strange appliance rigged with duct tape.

WHEAT

That already was a bong.

AMBER

I guess I re-bonged it, then.

INT. THE FISH HOUSE - LATER

Everybody jams a song… improvised, maybe a drum circle!

EXT. FIELD

An Amish farmer stands by, slightly annoyed, as Oren stomps around his farm, pointing…

OREN BURG

What do you want for this field? What do you want? Batteries? Beard wax? What’ll he take, Frank?

FRANK

Well, Mr. Odlin said his field is not for rent.

OREN BURG

That’s bullshit! Everybody’s got a price! I can’t do deals out here in the sun, it’s killin’ me. Gimme your hat…

Oren grabs the farmer’s hat and puts it on, then storms off. Frank shrugs to the farmer…

INT. STRIP CLUB

Oren is hungrily watching strippers, masturbating offscreen, taking money from Frank to put in g-strings, and talking to the Amish farmer who doesn’t watch the girls or drink.

OREN BURG

This is more like it. This is where deals get made. I like you Gerd, you’re Amish. You got a real Amish-ey quality to you. And I respect your people. I was considerin’ being Amish. When I got out of college. When you’re a kid, you do crazy things. I ended up buyin’ fireworks. I see you, there but for the grace of God, y’know…

Oren looks down at the girl giving him head…

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

Sweetheart, don’t ignore the philberts.

He turns to the Amish Farmer.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

So, we got a deal?

EXT. FIELD

OVERHEAD SHOT - Helicopter

Trucks arriving, stage going up… fairly empty.

GRAPHIC: “Odlin’s Field, 2 Days Til Fest”

EXT. FIELD

WORKERS loading in stages, etc. A TRAILER OFFICE.

INT. TRAILER OFFICE

Oren, Frank, 2 EMPLOYEES, working in this makeshift office.

OREN BURG

(loud, angry)

Give me hard numbers here! I want hard numbers!

FRANK

Well, projections, including payback, out of pocket, merch, food/beverage… approximately five hundred grand.

No reaction from Oren.

FRANK (CONT’D)

Profit.

Still no reaction.

FRANK (CONT’D)

That’s net… after everything. All in—

OREN BURG

(breaks out in big laughs)

Hahaha… That’s funny.

Oren stands up and begins pacing around the conference table, very unnerving, intimidating.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

See I started working to make money. I’m weird that way. Big money. Look, we’re gonna cut costs here. My mom’s sick, she doesn’t have long, and I promised her a space shuttle. Now, I’m getting her that space shuttle!

FRANK

Okay… so…

OREN BURG

Okay, so, let’s make some cuts.

EXT. FIELD

Oren and Frank walk through the backstage area, around ROADIES setting up the stage.

OREN BURG

Two hundred porto-lets?! Two hundred?

FRANK

Well, what else? People can’t just… poop anywhere—

OREN BURG

It’s a fuckin’ farm, numbnuts! You’re supposed to shit on it! That’s where food comes from!

An ASSISTANT comes in with some papers for Oren.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

Bottled water? You know how much those water companies charge for packaging? No! Dig a fucking hole down to the water, pump it up, get a ladle, hook it to the side of the well, and charge five bucks a scoop! Next.

TIME CUT TO:

EXT. SAME, BACKSTAGE

FRANK

… the issue of power.

OREN BURG

The bands gets electricity, don’t worry about the audience—just give them a couple glowsticks. No! Fireflies! Fly in a bunch of fireflies!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TRAILER OFFICE

Oren is checking out the finished poster. Silence as the assembled Employees await his next screaming fit.

OREN BURG

Do we really need thirty bands?

No one knows how to respond to this…

FRANK

Oren… what? It’s a festival. It’s tomorrow, I mean…

OREN BURG

Right, right…

FRANK

You booked it, so…

OREN BURG

Yeah. Yeah, everything’s cool. Everybody go home now to your mommies, I gotta go hold up my end of some BJs.

The Employees exit quickly, happy to be out of here. Frank alone is left with a sneaking suspicion…

EXT. FARMERS FIELD - DAY

HIPPY CONCERTGOERS playing hacky-sack, setting up merchandise tables, laying blankets on the ground.

SUPER: First Day of Festival

INTERVIEW MONTAGE

We meet FIVE YOUNG COLLEGE-AGE GUYS (two wearing “Mt. Tisch University” shirts). They’re not full-on hippies, yet. But getting there. The leader, JAMES, speaks.

JAMES

This is our first fest! We drove twelve hours from Mt. Tisch.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)

But that’s only three hours away.

JAMES

We stopped to pick dingleberries.

OTHER GUY

(holding out juice)

To make juice!

Next we see ORTHUR and JEAN APPLE, middle-aged hippies

ORTHUR

We were at the original Woodstock, met there, had kids, and stayed.

JEAN

We brought apples and cheese to make wine to use as a marinade for our apple/cheese surprise.

Hold on Jean as she considers what she just said.

ORTHUR

Oh… wait…

Then, there’s a woman named CHICKEN—

CHICKEN

(frenetic energy)

I live in a chicken coop, there’s no running water or heat, and I stopped getting government checks three years ago because I broke my ankle doing yoga and I sued the United Nations and then Whoopi Goldberg sent me a letter. Here.

She holds a tattered letter.

Finally we find an older college-age couple, WAYNE and JANIE.

WAYNE

I’m a grad student, studying Middle Earth Poli-Sci. Just wrote a paper on Elves and Trolls, Who Rules the Forest, Spells vs. Incantations, etc. And I just need a break. I guess I kinda dragged her here.

JANIE

Oh it’s cool. I like this kind of music. It’s all about an experience, y’know.

SUPER-WIDE ANGLE SHOT

From high above, a CGI shot of the now-massive audience.

EXT. BACKSTAGE

Oren walks, passing ROADIES and HANGERS-ON. He grins, hits on every chick, grabs drinks and puffs of cigarettes from people’s hands and mouths, and takes his share. A nervous Frank follows.

OREN BURG

Look at this! All right! Give it to me, what are the numbers?

FRANK

We totally oversold.

OREN BURG

Good.

FRANK

We projected four hundred thousand, we’ve got one million, and they’re still showing up.

OREN BURG

Beautiful.

An ASSISTANT whispers to Frank.

FRANK

Oren, one thing, none of the bands are here yet. I mean, the show is supposed to start in half an hour.

OREN BURG

Yeah, no, I took care of it. Look up… here’s my boys now.

A helicopter lands, or has landed, and the BAND MEMBERS jump out and approach, shouting over the whipping blades.

WHEAT

(shouting)

Our helicopter is made entirely of hemp!

(beat)

So’s the pilot!

ANGLE ON: Pilot made of hemp.

CUT TO:

EXT. ONSTAGE

Oren speaks into a feedbacking mic.

OREN BURG

Okay… people, thank you for coming to Noodlestock!

SFX: Massive applause.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

We’re going to do things a little out of order here. Kicking off the festivities will be our headliner, so please welcome “The Spaghetti Fish Accident”!

SFX: Supermassive applause.

Oren leaves the stage.

WHEAT

Let’s jam!

The song starts. A meandering melody.

WHEAT (CONT’D)

Sugar in the haystack

feelin’ so fine

Got a bag full of feelin’s

and some cockleberry wine

Take a bowl of whiskey down to the

water. Put your honey in an ol’ sally

swing. Drop a bag of lemons in a

cornball pea patch.

Tell Old Man Hutch you’re gonna love

everything…

WIDE ANGLE: From the back of the crowd, we see hippy folk enjoying the first strains of this song… and for a moment, all is right with the world.

EXT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS

Frank and Oren are backstage. Oren is clapping for the band, who glance back at him and smile. Frank is not happy.

FRANK

They’re the headliners. What’s going on?—They don’t open the show…

OREN BURG

They are the show. If they don’t open it, who will?

FRANK

One of the other twenty-nine bands! I mean, you…

(realizing)

You didn’t book anyone else, did you?

Oren smiles, looks back to the band.

FRANK (CONT’D)

Shit! Shit!

OREN BURG

Enjoy the show, buddy, just enjoy the show.

Oren resumes watching the show, ignoring Frank’s rant…

FRANK

Dammit! Oren! You flake! I can’t… You flakey, greedy… you know you’re going to have to pay somebody sometime!

OREN BURG

(scoffing)

Like who?

FRANK

Like the band! You gotta pay them!

OREN BURG

Yeah, but I’m charging them two hundred grand to use that carpet onstage, that’s twice what I’m paying them for the gig.

FRANK

Dammit. Well, what about publishing?

OREN BURG

Huh?

FRANK

Every time they play a song you have to pay publishing costs!

OREN BURG

Fuck! I didn’t think about that.

FRANK

Aha!

OREN BURG

Don’t you “aha!” me! Nobody “aha”s me!

Frank scoffs.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

You… all right, yeah… how ’bout this, then?

(calling to the band onstage)

Keep playin’!

Wheat is confused. Oren does the “stretch” gesture.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

Same song! Keep playin’ it! They love it!

Wheat nods, first to Oren, then the band, who kick back into the opening chords of the same song.

FRANK

What the hell?

OREN BURG

It’s a jam band, that’s what people want, anyway.

FRANK

(chuckling)

What? You’re gonna have them play one song… for three days?

OREN BURG

Sure. Just give ’em the ol’ stretch signal.

Frank is dumbfounded.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

People used to do it to Hitler all the time, why do you think he rambled so much?

Oren shouts over the music to the whole band.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

Same song! Keep playin’ the same song! They love it!

Bartholemew, the band member closest to Oren, leans in to get the lowdown.

OREN BURG (CONT’D)

People are gonna leave if you switch songs on ’em! They’re lovin’ it!

Bartholemew nods. Frank storms off. Oren laughs.

MONTAGE

Time Passage, as the band plays “Sugar in the Haystack” all afternoon and into the evening.

We see The CROWD grooving on it, dancing, taping, smiling.

CUT TO: Our older hippie couple, Orthur and Jean Apple, loving it.

Time passes and The CROWD is less active, some dozing, facing away from stage, playing hacky-sack.

Land on The five College Kids we met earlier.

COLLEGE KID 2

It’s just the same song, man.

JAMES

It’s all right. It’s all right.

COLLEGE KID 3

I like the song, but… I went to the bathroom and came out and it was like déjà vu. Like, how French people feel after they shit.

We meet up with Janie and Wayne. Wayne is loving it, Janie is growing bored, her eyes closing…

WAYNE

This is a great show. I’m taping it. They love when you tape stuff. I think Janie’s lovin’ it.

JANIE

It’s weird. I feel, I don’t know, like time is… being wasted.

Now the crowd is bored, staring at the band. Song starts up again, and offscreen someone shouts.

SOMEONE (O.S.)

Noo!

Our camera finds Chicken. She is selling dried peach pits.

CHICKEN

Fresh peach pits! Boycott sweatshop sockhops! Peach pits, right outta the peach!

EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

The dead of night. Oren sits in a chair reading a paper. He never looks up as he continues making the “Stretch” sign. The BAND is tired and slouch against their equipment. Concertgoers sleep in sleeping bags around them.

EXT. FIELD - DAWN

Hippies rise. We see the band in a further state of exhaustion, still jamming. The image splits in that outmoded manner, fractured so it can feature each band member in their own frame, all “lost” in the “jam”… cripes.

ANGLE ON: Frat guys waking… not sure what the noise is. They didn’t have a very good sleep.

COLLEGE KID 2

Dude, what’s that fucking noise?

COLLEGE KID 3

It’s that band, they’re still playing…

ANGLE ON: Orthur and Jean… bright-eyed.

ANGLE ON: Janie and Wayne wake up, having shared a sleeping bag. Wayne feels refreshed.

WAYNE

Hey, this is really cool, they’re still playing that song!

Janie realizes this is true and is instantly bummed.

JANIE

What, really?

WAYNE

Yeah… it’s really… special.

Wayne grins. Janie shrugs and turns over, and a strange look crosses her face.

EXT. MEDIC TENT

A small medic area under a tarp. Fifteen cots are arranged, most empty, and four MEDICS working.

Pan to a HIPPY GIRL sitting on a cot, staring into space. MEDIC ONE and TWO are waving smelling salts under her nose, checking her pulse, looking into her eyes. Her expression doesn’t change. Her WORRIED GIRLFRIEND stands behind her.

WORRIED GIRLFRIEND

She didn’t drink, she doesn’t do drugs, anything…

MEDIC ONE turns to MEDIC TWO.

MEDIC ONE

This is the third case I’ve seen in the last fifteen minutes… something bad is happening.

EXT. BACKSTAGE

Oren is painting on an easel. A painting of a field with a pile of money in it. Frank rushes in.

FRANK

Oren, we got a real problem.

OREN BURG

What is it?

FRANK

I don’t know, some of the kids are comin’ down with something.

OREN BURG

It’s probably bad acid… no! What am I sayin’? This generation—freaks, probably a bad protein bar.

He laughs it off and walks away…

INT. MEDIC TENT

It’s getting much busier here. More ZOMBIE KIDS on cots, more standing about. Most stare off into space. The Medics are hustling but can’t keep up.

MEDIC TWO

Oh my God, have you seen the line out there…?

MEDIC ONE

Stay cool! It’s not a virus, there’s no fever…

MEDIC TWO

But people are drifting off… I can’t get pulses, their temperatures are dropping!

MEDIC ONE

I know, just think, we’ll figure it out—

MEDIC TWO

I can’t think! Too many people… and they keep playing that damn song—

MEDIC ONE

That’s it! That’s what it is… they’re dying… of boredom.

A moment of recognition. Camera pans over to WAYNE wailing.

WAYNE

Janieeeee! Somebody help her!!

Wayne carries Janie’s limp body into the tent. Medics rush over, hook her up to a heart monitor, shoot her with adrenaline.

MEDIC ONE

Get me more adrenaline!

MEDIC TWO

How much do we need?

MEDIC ONE

Whatever you got, call the army, the governor, we need to pump these kids full of it…

Medic One grabs Medic Two just before he rushes off.

MEDIC ONE (CONT’D)

(hyperdramatic)

And tell that band to stop playing that damn song!

Medic One focuses on Janie…

MEDIC ONE (CONT’D)

What’s her name?

WAYNE

Janie! I’m a grad student…

(out of breath, as though it is important)

I’m a grad student… studying Middle Earth Poli-Sci… just wrote a paper on Elves and Trolls… Who Rules the Forest, Spells vs. Incantations, etc… a week from this Tuesday, I’ll find out my grade…

MEDIC ONE

What? So what?

Janie’s heart monitor registers flatline.

MEDIC ONE (CONT’D)

No!

(to Wayne)

You idiot! Why’d you waste my time with that story?!!

WAYNE

… It’s not really a story… it’s just…

Medic One works furiously to save Janie.

SFX: Heart Monitor, flatline sound.

Medic One covers Janie’s face with a sheet before moving on to another victim.

WAYNE (CONT’D)

What? What happened?

(falling to his knees)

Noooooo!!!!

This word transitions us to…

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SUPER-DUPER MULTIPLEX

DROOPY

Noooooooo… nope…

A VERY ANNOYED BOX OFFICE ATTENDANT stands in front of a massive marquee advertising thirty-six movies and starting times. She stares at a guy who is trying to pick one to see… it’s DROOPY.

DROOPY (CONT’D)

No… not that one… not that one either…

ATTENDANT

(sternly)

What movie do you want to see, sir? There are other people in line.

DROOPY

I don’t know. I’d like to see… a movieeeee… that’s a… comedyyyyyy… with some dramaaaa—action-eyyyyy…

DOLLY DOWN a line of annoyed MOVIE NERDS, some sitting in camping chairs under a shade umbrella. LAND ON Bob and David at the end of the line.

BOB

David, check out this line.

DAVID

Yeah, this must be a blockbuster.

David taps the shoulder of HARRY, a MOVIE NERD sitting in a folding chair ahead of him. Harry shares a cooler with his friend, DREW.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Excuse me, guys, what film are you in line for?

HARRY

It’s gonna be awesome!

DAVID

No, I asked you which movie are you waiting in line for?

Harry looks at Drew, Drew shrugs.

DREW

The new one.

BOB

But you don’t know which one it is?

HARRY

Nope. I bet we like it, though.

DREW

Yup.

They high-five.

BOB

So, you’re fans of movies… in general.

They nod.

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD

The front of the line.

DROOPY

… can I just buy one ticket and sneak into every theatre?

ATTENDANT

No.

DROOPY

Okay. What’s the best movie you have?

ATTENDANT

My boss says I’m not supposed to recommend movies.

DROOPY

Well, if you don’t like movies, why do you work here?

(laughs to himself)

ATTENDANT

(groans)

DROOPY

(celebrating—to no one)

That shut her up!

ATTENDANT

I like movies! So do all the people in line behind you. They’d like to see one, this week.

DROOPY

Uhhh… okay…

ANGLE ON: Bob and David talking to the movie nerds.

DREW

We see every movie the day it comes out.

HARRY

At least once.

DAVID

But what if it sucks?

Harry and Drew are taken aback by this suggestion.

HARRY

(defensive)

It’s gonna be great.

DAVID

Maybe, but what if it sucks?

DREW

It’s gonna be totally awesome.

BOB

How do you know that? You don’t even know what it is?!

A beat.

DREW

Well, look at the line.

Others in line agree.

OTHER NERDS

Yeah / It’s really long…

Bob and David shake their heads.

SFX: Kooky car horn which plays snippet of “Hooray for Hollywood.”

Bob and David turn to see an old timey Model-T car drive by, festooned with colorful crepe and balloons, a sign on the side reading “The Mayor Of Hollywood.” In the front is a CHAUFFEUR. In the back seat the MAYOR sits, waving to passersby (we recognize him from the painting in the DMV office break room).

BOB

The Mayor of Hollywood!

DAVID

Great. And we’ve got just fifteen minutes left!

EXT. OFFICE DOOR

Sign on the frosted glass door reads, “The Mayor of Hollywood.”

Bob and David enter.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE

Dolly across various movie memorabilia and posters: Attack of the Machines! (featuring typewriters, large calculators, with legs), She-Apes of the Amazon, a full-sized stuffed bear holding a gun beside a poster of Bears with Guns! and Vampire Darkie—Double the Trouble! The poster features a young, black, “hip” vampire.

BOB (O.S.)

Wow… some real ancient artifacts.

DAVID (O.S.)

Yeah… I bet this stuff is worth a lot… to weirdos.

BOB (O.S.)

Yeah.

Suddenly, a door opens. The Mayor steps out of his private bathroom, the toilet flushing behind him.

THE MAYOR

Whoo!

(re: his turd)

Talk about the birth of a nation…

The Mayor shuffles over to his desk. He has a riding crop and wears jodhpurs, argyle cardigan, etc.

BOB

Mr. Mayor.

DAVID

Hi, we’re Bob and David. We just need your signature.

David shows the Mayor the slip from Carlotta.

THE MAYOR

I used to be king of the movies!

BOB

That’s great.

David checks the clock… it’s broken and covered in dust.

DAVID

But if you could just sign this—we’re trying to make our own movie.

THE MAYOR

What’s your gimmick?

DAVID

Huh?

THE MAYOR

Your gimmick, kid. How you gonna reel ’em in? All my movies had a gimmick.

(points to a poster)

Attack of the Machines, we threw wires at the audience, scared ’em half to death.

(another poster)

Day of the Man with the One Arm That Was Like a Crab’s! When it played we would throw live crabs on ’em. People loved it!

BOB

Okay, well, we thought we’d have the theatre sell popcorn and drinks.

THE MAYOR

Wild! Won’t work, though, already tried it.

He points to a poster for Popcorn Monster Returns!

THE MAYOR (CONT’D)

People don’t like popcorn at the movies. Too delicious.

DAVID

(pointing to a poster)

What’s that one?

We see the poster for One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars! This is the most normal-looking poster of all; horrified faces in the foreground, a typical ’50s spaceship opening its hatch, barely revealing the shadow of the Alien.

THE MAYOR

(ruefully)

That was the movie that ruined me. Scared the entire nation. Did well in Europe, though.

BOB

Great. Now, if you could just sign…

THE MAYOR

Watch! And learn…

He starts the film projector on his desk and we see:

(*NOTE* This is a low budget sci-fi movie trailer ala Plan Nine from Outer Space.)

MUSIC: “Scary” theremin, organ sci-fi theme

Shot of twinkling stars (a black cloth with pinholes and light behind it).

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

(bombastic)

Look! Into the sky! Behind the cloth of night, do you see the hundreds of beautiful twinkling stars? But wait! What would you do if there suddenly appeared…

Title Card wipes onscreen…

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars!

CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET

MUSIC: Sweet, innocent melody

DENNIS MCBOY, a typical ’50s movie ten-year-old, plays jacks on the sidewalk.

DENNIS

(sing-songy)

La, la, loo, Jacksaroo, tell the king he’s eating stew.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

How will you feel when…

The music rises in pitch as a shadow crosses the sidewalk.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

… visitors from outer space appear?!

Dennis looks up, the shadow crosses his face, he runs, leaving his jacks behind.

CUT TO:

INT. EFFECT SHOT

A typical cheapo pie-plate-on-a-string type of flying saucer hovers and lands next to a model of the White House.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

The PRESIDENT speaks directly to camera, as on a TV news special report.

PRESIDENT

Citizens of America, it is I, your President. Alien super-beings from Mars have landed here in Washington. Do not be afraid. General Rutgers…

BRIEF ANGLE ON: GENERAL RUTGERS, ’50s crewcut general, standing behind President.

PRESIDENT (CONT’D)

… of the US Armed Forces has spoken to them on the wireless radio and assures me that they come in peace with many wondrous things to teach us.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

How will our leaders react to the unscheduled arrival of strange visitors from beyond?

CUT TO:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN

The PRESIDENT and GENERAL RUTGERS stand on a platform beside a cheapo cardboard spaceship. Other world leaders are there: CHINESE MAO GUY, SAUDI PRINCE FELLA. The President checks his watch, the general shrugs.

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

What about regular people?

White-bread CITIZENS, including little DENNIS, stand behind army lines, anxious and excited. A SCARED YOUNG SOLDIER holding a rifle stands in front of them.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE

ANGLE ON: Rocket ship.

SFX: Cheapo futuristic door opening on spacecraft!

MUSIC: Tension rising

CUTAWAYS TO:

Nervous CITIZENS assembled.

INT. BAR - NERVOUS BUSINESSMEN and some DRUNKS, watching it on TV.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

How about Swedish folks?!—

A FAMILY in a SWEDISH HOME, also watching on TV.

The tension rises—the door opens, smoke billows—

The CAMERA PANS up the body of the aliens; they have three toes, but otherwise have relatively normal bodies, and they’re wearing silvery space suits. Before we see their heads, we CUT AWAY to…

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And how will you react when you see—

CITIZENS squinting, jaws dropping, covering their children’s faces.

The WORLD LEADERS, appalled.

We hear the aliens speak—

ALIEN #2 (O.S.)

(in corny ’50s alien voice)

Greetings. We come in peace.

ANGLE ON: Speechless President and General.

As MUSIC CRESCENDOES.

ANGLE ON: Alien’s head, it is shaped like a giant penis.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars!

Title GRAPHIC wipes frame, then drops out as another Alien with penis head enters the shot.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

See our leaders get flustered!

ANGLE ON: The President.

PRESIDENT

Oh my God, they look like my penis!

Off the GENERAL’S shocked reaction.

PRESIDENT (CONT’D)

I mean, well, anyone’s penis… you know what I mean… I’m nervous…

ANGLE ON: ALIEN #2.

ALIEN #2

We come bearing tidings of peace and great benefit for all Earth people!

ALIEN #1

Let’s all hug and jump around!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

See Americans in panic!

INT. AMERICAN FAMILY HOME

Pipe-smoking DAD and MOM grab kids and hustle them along.

DAD

Kids, hurry! Into the bomb shelter!

INT. BAR

Guys in the bar raise a ruckus, while others faint.

CUT TO:

INT. SWEDISH FAMILY HOME

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

See Europeans reacting maturely!

The Swedish family watches the penis-alien cavorting on-screen. They are unmoved. (They speak in Swedish with subtitles.)

SWEDISH DAD

Interesting. Do you like it, kids?

SWEDISH KIDS

Ya. I like the aliens.

SWEDISH MOM

Let’s see what else is on.

The Swedish Dad switches the channel and they watch some people having sex. Again, the family is unmoved, enjoying the show.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE

Chaos.

ANGLE ON: The Scared Soldier levels his machine gun at the Aliens, and fires. Mayhem ensues. The World Leaders run amok.

Behind him, Dennis shouts—

DENNIS

Duck, Mr. Alien, duck!

The spaceship door closes, leaving Alien #1 stranded outside, dodging bullets.

Dennis heads towards the Alien. The Alien, confused and frightened, tries to save Dennis from the bullets, picking him up. The General thinks the Alien is kidnapping the boy—

GENERAL

Fire at will!

Alien #1 and Dennis run away, into the woods.

CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET AT DUSK

We see the Alien carrying Dennis, ducking behind hedges. A police car races by, sirens a-wailing.

RADIO NEWS (O.C.)

Once again, a heightened state of alert has been issued by the President. Be on the lookout for the alien. It is approximately seven feet tall and looks like the President’s penis. Well, anyone’s penis, really…

INT. DENNIS’S BEDROOM

Typical cowboy bedspread and wallpaper. The ALIEN and Dennis sit on the bed listening to the transistor radio.

RADIO NEWS (O.C.)

… If you’re a man, I mean. Anyway, you can’t miss it. Penis is the key word here.

Dennis switches the radio off.

DENNIS

I don’t get it, Mr. Alien, why is everyone so mad at you?

The Alien takes Dennis’s hand.

ALIEN

I don’t know, Denny. If only humans were more like you. I cannot believe that I will never again see my penis-shaped son Chloron. You’d like him, Dennis, he’s a lot like you, but shaped like a penis.

They hug. A single tear drips from the Alien’s one eye.

DENNIS

It’s okay, you’ll be safe. My dad’s a good guy, he’ll figure out a way to help you.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Can a one-eyed Alien from the planet Mars really live amongst us?

EXT. MCBOY HOUSE

Dennis’s Dad and the Alien exit the house dressed in business suits, carrying pipes and briefcases. Mom and Dennis wave good-bye to the two “men.”

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE.

A young COUPLE sit on a couch, listening to the Alien’s sales pitch. The Alien is still wearing a fedora.

ALIEN

And with our premium deductible for Mom you’ll save over ten percent.

WIFE

That sounds like an A-Number-One deal.

HUSBAND

We’ll take it.

He shakes hands with the Alien, who smiles.

WIFE

Are you sure we can’t take your hat for you?

ALIEN

Oh, thank you, my first sale, how exciting…

The YOUNG COUPLE grin, but then get a look of worry on their faces as though something is coming at them…

CUT BACK TO:

Graphic accompanies the following announcement.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

See One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars filmed in Splash-O-Vision!

INT. MOVIE THEATRE

A ’50s MOVIE AUDIENCE watching this very movie, smiling, really into it… get splashed with white viscous liquid and react, with more disgust than fear.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

What the hell?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2

Eeewwww! It’s salty!

The film clip ends, and we are back in the—

INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE

Bob and David can’t believe what they have seen.

BOB

So, that didn’t work, huh?

THE MAYOR

Well, yes and no. It scared people… but in the wrong way. Anyway, here’s your paper.

DAVID

Oh, shit, Bob, it’s five to five!

Bob and David tear out the door.

THE MAYOR

Best of luck…

The door slams on his last word…

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD - DUSK, AND I MEAN IT

MUSIC: SCORED FOR DRAMATIC EMPHASIS till the end…

Bob and David are running down the street, checking their watches.

BOB

Great, we got everything. But we might be too late…

DAVID

Don’t worry, Bob, she’ll keep it open for us.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET

Metal gate closing. CARLOTTA is locking up, muttering good-bye to one other EMPLOYEE.

CARLOTTA

Bye, Dwayne, see ya tomorrow.

Bob and David come running up.

BOB

What’s going on?

DAVID

It’s not five o’clock yet. There’s still a minute.

CARLOTTA

Not by my watch, honey.

DAVID

But we’ve got everything.

BOB

Please.

Carlotta sighs.

CARLOTTA

Show me what you got.

She “Mm-hmms” through the following…

BOB

Well, here’s our physicals. We’re in great shape.

DAVID

Here’s the lock of hair from the producer. It’s a little greasy.

BOB

Here’s our concept. We wrote it down on this napkin.

DAVID

Oh, and here’s our blue slip, signed by the Mayor of Hollywood.

CARLOTTA

Well… mm-hm, “a twenty-dollar hot dog!”

(chuckles)

… Okay, well, it looks like everything is in order.

ANGLE ON: Bob and David, excited. Carlotta is about to stamp it, but—

CARLOTTA (CONT’D)

Wait a second, you don’t have a star.

BOB

What?

CARLOTTA

You have to have a star attached honey, to star in your film.

DAVID

What about us?

CARLOTTA

I’m sorry. I don’t think so. Oh, well. Best of luck.

She heads off down the street leaving Bob and David standing there, forlorn. Rain begins to fall on them.

BOB

Damn.

DAVID

Well, I guess I’d better get my shining mittens.

BOB

And sauce…

DAVID

All because we couldn’t get a star.

BOB

Yeah…

Bob looks up. A hint of awareness in his eye.

BOB (CONT’D)

Wait a second, David…

ANGLE: Over the shoulders of Bob and David we see Carlotta waddling away, carrying her overloaded shopping bag.

BOB (CONT’D)

… I got an idea.

MUSIC: Sting

ANGLE ON: David grins… he gets it, too.

DIP TO BLACK:

(NOTE: THE NEXT PIECE IS A MOVIE TRAILER WITHIN A TRAILER. IT’S A BIT COMPLEX, WITH TWO ANNOUNCERS WHO OVERLAP A BIT.)

BLOCKBUSTER TRAILER

Over black—

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

In a world of blockbuster movies…

GRAPHIC: From the center of the screen come the words “In a world turned upside down.” simultaneous with ANNOUNCER #2—

ANNOUNCER TWO (V.O.)

In a world turned upside down.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEW YORK PANORAMA

SFX: Massive rumble.

The image of New York shudders and flips.

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

Where the latest big movie is a must-see…

As the dust settles on the upside-down New York, another graphic comes at us from center-screen.

GRAPHIC: “This one’s a must-see… Clyve Dailey, The Beaver-Bop Report”

ANNOUNCER TWO (V.O.)

Where everything is topsy-turvy…

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM

(NOTE: This next scene is shot upside down. In a real room, we anchor the actors to the ceiling, and when they “stand” they are standing upside down, with their hair hanging down, and coins falling out of their pockets. HOWEVER, the camera is also flipped, so it appears they are standing up… but not really—)

DAVID is a futuristic guy, with a crazy tattoo on his neck, and wakes up next to TRINA, a tough hottie (think Franka Potente). He looks around and notices the CHANDELIER next to him, on the ceiling.

DAVID

Goddammit… no!

Trina sits up.

TRINA

What is it, Dex?

DAVID

Every day this city is upside down I think “This nightmare has to end!” and every damn morning I wake up from the nightmare, which I’m still in!

She hugs him.

TRINA

Be quiet, Dex! The Gravity Meister will hear you.

A knock on the door. Bob opens it. He enters wearing heavy boots, carrying a large plastic jug. His hair is rock-and-roll long, he’s got a leather vest, and he speaks with a British accent like the drug dealer in Withnail and I.

BOB

—do I ’ear some little birds calling my name?

David and Trina recoil.

BOB (CONT’D)

(shaking his juice)

Does someone need a slug of gravity juice to settle their equilibrium?

DAVID

(desperate)

I do. Please.

BOB

Catch then, little fella—

Bob tosses the jug and it flies up… which is really down, which makes no sense, of course.

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

And the story is a train wreck of clichés—

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM

Close on David trying to drink the juice from the container, it spills all over his forehead, as he is upside down.

ANNOUNCER TWO (V.O.)

One man fights to make it right.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE

Bob, as the Gravity Meister, David as Dex, fight with swords in front of this movie theatre.

SFX: Massive, overdone “swooshing” noises.

As the fight continues, we PULL OUT…

REVEAL the above trailer is being watched on a mobile monitor, the kind they put outside theatres to advertise. A mob of our movie nerds from the prior scenes stand around the monitor, loving it.

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

Two men refuse to go along with the herd.

Actors portraying Harry and Drew are in the mob.

HARRY

It’s awesome!

DREW

I’ve seen it twice!—today!

ANGLE ON: Bob and David, as themselves, watching the above trailer in the street.

BOB

I don’t know, I don’t get it.

HARRY

What’s not to get?

DAVID

Yeah, I just don’t think I’d like it.

DREW

What’s not to think to like?!

Harry and Drew and the MOB OF NERDS stare at them, confounded.

CLOSE-UPS, Dramatic moves.

Bob and David back away.

BOB

Uh… come on David, let’s get out of here.

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

Even friends and family turn on them…

EXT. STABLES

David and Bob pass a camel stable. Camera DOLLIES BACK to include other STABLE WORKERS on lunch break, eyeing them suspiciously.

JULIA

He hasn’t even seen it once!

OSWALD

Neither of them has seen it!

ZOOM IN on EMILIO, tight Dutch angle close-up!

EMILIO

I’ll kill them! I’ll kill them, then I’ll take their eyeballs and put them into my pockets and go to the movie, then they will see the goddamn movie!

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

Rejected by all, unable to find a single kindred soul…

INT. BAR - NIGHT

BOB is talking to a GIRL.

GIRL

It’s just like in the movie, y’know, the scene on the edge of the planet?

BOB is confused.

GIRL (CONT’D)

You know, where New York is upside down. Because of the moons and the nuclear war?

Bob shrugs.

GIRL (CONT’D)

You’re an idiot.

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

… even family members…

EXT. BACKYARD BARBECUE

David is there with his MOM, DAD, SISTER, and her HUSBAND and KID. The KID (10) wears a shirt that says “New York, York New,” weird heavy ski-type boots, and swings a sword.

KID

Look at me! I’m on the ceiling!

Everyone laughs. David laughs. Everyone stops laughing and shoots angry looks at David.

DAD

What the hell are you laughing at? You haven’t seen it.

DAVID’S MOM

See the movie, son.

DAVID’S SISTER

See it.

DAVID’S BROTHER-IN-LAW

See the damn thing!

David fights back tears and backs away…

ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)

Two renegades are forced to walk the earth…

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST - DAY

BOB AND DAVID, hungry and cold, walk through the rain, nibbling on pieces of bread.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

… and live by their wits on the outskirts of civilization.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST

Bob and David looking haggard, sitting by a campfire.

DAVID

Got any more of that gum?

BOB

I’m fryin’ up the last piece.

A stick of gum is hanging off a spit over the campfire.

EXT. STICK LEAN-TO - NIGHT

We are high in the Georgian Mountains (Russia). Bob and David walk over a ridge.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Until finally, they find one woman with the sass to set them straight.

They stop walking, both love struck by what they see.

ANGLE ON: Lean-to, there is a small fire, and chickens running about.

Out of the front comes CARLOTTA, in raggedy clothes. She chases the chickens.

CARLOTTA

You get over here, you ragamuffins, tell Carlotta your troubles.

Bob and David run toward her, slo-mo.

MUSIC: Romantic

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

It’s a story of love and redemption, featuring a song that you just can’t get out of your head.

EXT. LEAN-TO

Bob and David dance raucously with Carlotta to what sounds like Motown.

FAKE MOTOWN SONG

… Get it… get it… gonna get it, girl, and give it right back to you…

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

… and ending with a surprise that you have to see to believe… check it out—

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME, OUTSIDE THE LEAN-TO

Bob, David, and Carlotta collect sticks to make something.

EXT. SAME, OUTSIDE THE LEAN-TO

They have built a rocket ship out of sticks. Bob, David, and Carlotta are preparing to fly away.

BOB

Off we go.

DAVID

To a better world. Where we won’t have to see that movie.

BOB

Or any movie.

CARLOTTA

Don’t you say that! Don’t you ever say that!

BOB

I’m sorry.

David lights a long fuse on the spaceship, then the three of them jump in, and Bob closes the door.

SFX: Rocket sounds.

EXT. EARTH

Footage of Earth from above.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Follow them as they travel through the stars to find a planet of their own.

INT. ROCKET SHIP

Bob and David working various controls. Setting dials. Carlotta happily eating cookies.

The rocket ship lands, shaking about wildly, but then, calm.

EXT. ROCKET SHIP

Smoke billows about. The door opens. Bob steps out, weary from the trip. David follows. Then Carlotta. They grin to see the sun, breathe deeply.

POV ANGLE: Smoke fills their eyes, but as it clears they see they are on Earth. On Hollywood Blvd., to be precise. Directly in front of the line of moviegoers who originally wanted their heads.

ANGLE ON: Bob, David, Carlotta, shocked.

BOB

Oh, shit.

ANGLE ON: Harry and Drew, and other NERDS.

HARRY

It’s them! Get ’em!

The nerds descend on our guys, swarming with ill-intentions.

Camera CRANES UP over this mob scene.

MUSIC: Triumphant

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Blockbuster Movie… coming this fall!

When the music ends, we hear a director shout…

DIRECTOR

Cut! Print! That was great! We got it!

The CRANE SHOT LOOSENS, and we can see the mob of looky-loos who stopped to see the filming of this final shot. Amongst them are Bob and David, exactly where they were at the beginning of the film.

They turn and head off, and we hear their dialogue over their backs as they disappear…

BOB

Wow, David, huh?

DAVID

Yeah, Bob, movie magic!

BOB

(looking around)

Where?!

DAVID

Right there, what we just saw.

BOB

Oh. Yeah.

THE END

Some Reminiscences, Just for You!

Here are some notes on the pieces in Bob and David Make a Movie, straight from the recollections of the fading memories of Bob and David and Brian:

HOLLYWOOD TOWN HALL (here)

FYI: We know there are aspiring filmmakers who will be reading this, but we have to make it clear that there is no place to go to APPLY for a movie. Trust us, we looked everywhere. If it were only this easy. Instead of a nasty, bureaucratic, DMV-type building where you wait in line to justify your creative vision to a sassy black woman (remember the Pine-Sol spokeslady?), in Hollywood it is absolutely necessary to be courteous and spend YEARS feigning interest and respect for a cabal of slippery, contemptible, arguably evil douchebags and douchebag-ettes. Now you know… go buy that bus ticket and get out here!

KOREAN MOVIE RIPOFFS (here)

In New York you can buy bootlegs of any movie right on the street. Sometimes they’re okay, sometimes they’re shitty versions filmed by people in a movie theatre. David notes, “When I was in China, for a dollar you could get DVDs of major Hollywood movies that were just out or just about to come out… because that’s where they make the actual DVDs. Literally, only a dollar for the latest American films.” To which Bob asks, “When were you in China? They didn’t make a chipmunk movie there, did they?” To which David replies: “Yes they did, it’s called Chip-Fucked and I’m in it and I have a thirteen-inch cock and a nine-inch pussy, so F.U.!” Which makes Bob sneeze into his silk handkerchief. It also makes Brian throw up on his erection.

HOLLYWOOD DOCTOR (here)

This character is based on all of our agents. Agents are fast talkers, big planners, and often have extremely short attention spans. They impatiently pretend to listen to you as you spout your meaningless (to them) career goals, then the second you stop to inhale, they push you to do whatever it is that’s just come across their desk. “Yeah, yeah, I hear you, you’ve got a script about your teen traumas that you’ve nurtured for a while, we’ll get to that in a minute… Right now I want to hear you tell me how much you want to write a film version of the book Everyone Poops. We just got the rights! Kids love it, it doesn’t have to have talking poo in it, but… maybe the butthole is talking, I’m not the writer, this is your job, but I would say if the butthole talks then you got Jake Gyllenhaal, who I happen to rep, and he’s wanted to portray an animated sphincter for a while now! Let me get Jake on the phone—Tanya, get JG.”

Brian shares this story… “One of the only times I had a phone call when I was signed with a big agent for three weeks he asked, ‘What do you want to do?’ I said, ‘I’d be open to a meeting at SNL, I wouldn’t be happy there, but…’ He interrupted me, shouting across the room, ‘Tanya! Get Lorne Michaels on the phone!’ Nothing came of it. I was not surprised.”

DOUBLE DATE (LETHA BOMBZ) (here)

There’s the solid couple and there’s the guy who’s always got a new girlfriend and you have to keep meeting them and acting happy when you can smell another breakup around the corner. But, really, David also never dated anybody that bimbo-ish. David replies, “Well you don’t really date bimbos. It’s not necessary.” But this isn’t a fully realized sketch. It’s more of a link to the “Strippertown” sketch, which is a fully realized sketch.

STRIPPERTOWN (here)

“Strippertown” was Brian Posehn’s idea. Brian likes to brag, “Strippers sometimes act like they’re your girlfriend, and the idea for the sketch came from an idiot buying into that. At the time we were writing this I went to strip clubs pretty frequently, both in the Valley and when I was on the road. My shitty logic was: it’s not cheating if I PAY for a girl to rub my dick. Real girls hitting on me at the time freaked me out. But strippers weren’t the same because you know they don’t really like you and a lot of them are robots.” He goes on to share this terribly sad story of broken humans interacting: “There was one stripper in Atlanta that was extra nice and fake-girlfriendy. When I revisited the strip club several months later a different stripper came up to me and told me, ‘You broke Fake Name’s heart’ because I’d told this previous stripper I was going to come back and I didn’t… for a while. This scene is just taking that idea, in the Mr. Show way, to its ridiculous extreme.”

HOLLYWOOD TELEPHONE (here)

It’s true that when you go out to eat in Hollywood you are surrounded by people pitching movies loudly, talking about projects they’re shooting, wanting to shoot, and just finished shooting, also loudly. You can’t really help overhearing the ideas, and this can be very entertaining and pathetic. One time David and Bob were in a restaurant and two producers were loudly discussing a road movie that was going to be so fun and so cheap to make and one of them burst out, “I can get Puck!” Puck, being the one-time bad-boy reality show celebrity from MTV’s The Real World: San Francisco. Not an actor, but we still hope that movie got made.

RAGING RACERS (here)

This is a fever dream based on the film Moulin Rouge and how “gay-tastic” it was—with the maudlin, overly dramatic singing and all the flouncing around. Here we are using “gay” in the immature fourteen-year-old homophobe sense of the word. But then, really, the sketch is about a bunch of young guys being afraid to call the movie “gay” because they are trying to be politically correct. But, in the course of doing so, they are not being honest.

This is the kind of scene that leans on performance and would become three times as funny in execution—with all the room for overcooked performances, silly riffs, and a lot of fun to be found in editing. David imagineers a shot: “Camera goes in to somebody’s eyeball and out their asshole and then the lens has slight brown tinge in all its corners for the rest of the sequence.” Nice, David. Thank you for that.

ROBOT STREET PERFORMER (here)

Brian Posehn would play the street performer. He is the last person who should try to be a street performer. “I was a curmudgeon at twenty-two,” he proudly states. Not being a people person, he is also able to sound incredibly sarcastic while merely being straightforward. Also, for inspiration, we all hate street performers.

NOODLEFEST (here)

This marries our hatred of jam bands with our detestation of sleazy Hollywood producers. People in Hollywood are often trying to save money by simply insisting that “no one will notice” the lack of quality/effort/production. In a weird way, the audiences of jam bands really would be willing to put up with a never-ending song and would feel obliged to be proud of it as well… once you get past the normal pop length of three minutes, who’s to say how long a good song should be?

MULTIPLEX NERDS (here)

These nerds are our friends, we know these people, we are (Brian is) these people. Respect!

MAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD (here)

We were dreaming of Dan Aykroyd for this. Once again, it addresses how hard it is to get a movie made and the scrambling effort to make a project work by giving it a hook!

ONE-EYED ALIENS (here)

Well, this one is a doozy of a gem and a real sweetheart to boot! A Mr. Show -ish scene, with a point of view about Americans and their relationship to sex. Certainly Americans of the ’50s and ’60s. David: “Please take note we play it smart and restrained through most of the sketch and then, only at the end, do we blow our load.”

BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE (here)

This is about the social pressure to go see the latest huge-ass Hollywood mega-mess. Sometimes you find yourself thinking, “I really should see Avatar, or I won’t be able to talk to anyone ever again, I won’t understand what anyone’s talking about, and I’ll never win another trivia contest in my life.” None of us saw and we still haven’t seen Titanic, so you can understand how lonely (and supercool) we are.

HOORAY FOR AMERICA!

by Bob Odenkirk and David Cross

First Draft on March 17th, 1998

OPEN ON: THIS PARAGRAPH ON-SCREEN:

“The following is a work of fiction. Current U.S. election laws make it impossible for any single corporation to ‘buy’ the Presidency.”

DIP TO BLACK, THEN UP ON:

“However, we’re working on it.”

BURN IN GLOBO-CHEM LOGO; A SPINNING GLOBE

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

A message from your friends at Globo-Chem and the Globo-Chem family of companies. Makers of everything from…

For each item he names, we see a picture of the product which is listed in the accompanying parenthetical—

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Farm Supplies…

(guy on tractor)

To the bread you eat…

(suburban kitchen, kid eating sandwich, Mom smiling)

Surgical lasers…

(patient having a sex change with a laser)

Popcorn substitutes…

(couple in theatre eating something weird)

Sewage treatment…

(large sewage treatment plant)

Sewage…

(sewage)

Rabbits…

(rabbits)

Relationship helpers…

(man modeling bondage gear for his mate)

Cancer research…

(scientists working on “poison foam”—this will matter later in the story)

From rock-n-roll posters…

(poster of a rock band)

To leisure wear…

(a sweatshop in China)

Globo-Chem fills your world with things.

An animated PIT PAT pops up in the lower corner and waves

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Wherever you see Pit Pat you know you are part of a wonderful worldwide corporation.

PIT PAT

Take it from me—I LOVE you!

And a final sting that is suddenly somewhat ominous.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Globo-Chem—“A better world for better people.”

DIP TO BLACK AND UP ON:

INT. BACKSTAGE

We are in a small, ramshackle backstage area. Mirrors with lots of burned-out bulbs around them.

MUSIC: In the background is preshow circusy music

Bob and David are warming up for a show. Bob is dressed in a flashy, furry, red, white, and blue, ’70s pimp outfit. David is wearing a foam map of America. His hat is Alaska and his feet are Hawaii. Bob does a vocal warm-up…

BOB

I never knew that naughty Nettie nicked her knickers from Nelson Eddy. I never knew that naughty Nettie…

David peeks through a hole in the wall at the audience.

DAVID

It’s fillin’ up.

They high-five.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Hey, we’re doing great, man.

BOB

Hey, David, we’re going all the way, right?

DAVID

To Mars?

BOB

No, come on.

DAVID

Oh, yeah, to the top.

BOB

Right. Which part of the top?

DAVID

The tip.

BOB

The tip-top of the…

David is confused, feeling pressure…

BOB (CONT’D)

… of the mip-mop! Come on!

DAVID

(immediately)

Mip-mop! The tip-top of the mip-mop! God, I wish there was a way I could remember that…

BOB

It’s simple, just remember TTOTMM—“The Tired Otter Taunts Marilyn Monster”… simple.

DAVID

Right, thanks.

Bob pulls out his phone.

BOB

Cool. I’m just so excited, I’ve got to call them again.

(into phone)

Oh, hey, Mom, it’s Bob.

MOM (V.O.)

Bobby, is that you?

BOB

Listen…

Bob holds the receiver up to the hole in the wall, picking up the sound of the mingling audience in the theatre.

BOB (CONT’D)

Hear that? That’s a crowd. They came to see me, in a real show.

MOM (V.O.)

Well, I don’t know. Here’s your father.

Briefly, Bob listens to his Mom and Dad having an argument in their living room somewhere. Bob shrugs to David, who is shaving his legs with a straight razor. Finally, Bob’s Dad gets on the line: his always-angry voice bursting through—

DAD (V.O.)

What?

BOB

Dad! Hey, I’m in show business. I’ve made it!

DAD (V.O.)

You ain’t in no show.

BOB

Yes I am, Dad. It’s called Hooray for America! and I’m wearing my costume and I sing and dance and I’m a star.

DAD (V.O.)

You ain’t no star of nothing. You ain’t wearin’ no costume and you ain’t singin’ and you ain’t dancin’ at nobody.

BOB

I’m sorry I ever called you!

DAD (V.O.)

You ain’t sorry, and you never called no one.

BOB

Good-bye. I love…

His Dad hangs up.

BOB (CONT’D)

… you.

Bob hangs up.

DAVID

Hey, toss me that warm-up cream!

Bob tosses David a tube of “James Lipton’s Warm-Up Cream.” Bob notices someone at the exit door and solemnly nods to David.

BOB

David—

David turns. In the doorway is the sweetest little KOREAN BOY in a wheelchair. (His feet are particularly fat.) He squeezes the bulb of a squeaky horn mounted on the wheelchair.

(NOTE: CHOW’S voice is obviously, and poorly, overdubbed by David.)

CHOW

Uncle! Uncle!

DAVID

Hey, Chow-Chow! How’s my favorite nephew?

Chow laughs and holds his hands out.

CHOW

Slap me ten!

David slaps him ten.

CHOW (CONT’D)

(suddenly sad)

Uncle, I’m sad.

DAVID

Why’s that?

CHOW

The doctor says I need special shoes for my fat feet. So I can be like a normal kid and run and play.

David squats down next to the kid. Bob watches with pity.

MUSIC: Sad melody

DAVID

Hey, no tears. Listen kiddo, I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna go out there, and I’m gonna be a big star. A superstar!

CHOW

Yeah?

DAVID

Let me finish. And I’m gonna be rich, and have a big house with fountains and imported cheeses. I’m gonna spend money like M.C. Hammer on crack.

CHOW

Will you buy me the special shoes?

DAVID

Listen! Zip it! One more interruption and… well, you’ve been warned. I’m gonna have horses, and a car for every horse, with a fountain in it.

Bob, wiping tears, grabs David’s shoulder.

BOB

David… it’s showtime.

DAVID

(to the kid)

I’m gonna party so hard and so much, I’m gonna be your worst nightmare!

The TEENAGE STAGEHAND leans in.

TEENAGE STAGEHAND

Hey guys, guess what! There’s word on the street that a Hollywood Talent Guy is in the audience tonight. Supposedly they’re looking for a big part. At least, that’s what Mr. Catalanano heard.

Bob and David look at each other with wide eyes.

BOB

This is great! I hope you get it!

DAVID

I hope I get it, too, Bob!

DIP TO BLACK

AND WE HEAR A FAMILIAR VOICE…

PIT PAT (V.O.)

Take it from me, I love you!

EXT. FANCY HI-RISE OFFICE BUILDING

SUPER, LOWER THIRD: “GLOBO-CHEM HEADQUARTERS” and then “THREE WEEKS EARLIER”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Wherever you see Pit Pat, you know you’re getting Globo-Chem quality, and that you are part of a wonderful, worldwide corporation.

MUSIC: Ominous

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM - CONFERENCE ROOM

A modern, charmless high-tech conference room. We’ll return here so often, let’s take a second to describe it. It’s got a big conference table in the center; it’s a dark room with only one or two tiny windows that let out to a roof courtyard. There is a small bank of VIDEO MONITORS and CLOCKS set to times around the world. MR. HARTNUT is meeting with FOUR YOUNG EXECUTIVES: CHET, JANE, TODD, and RON.

MR. HARTNUT

What do you got for me?

JANE

Well, the elections are fast approaching, sir. Here’s a recap…

Jane presses a button and the lights go down. A video monitor comes on with the following commercial…

FADE TO BLACK.

UP ON: TV COMMERCIAL

A TV commercial using news footage of two candidates for president. The candidates are DON and DAN, they are nearly identical, forty-five-year-old white men.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

America has an important choice to make in this fall’s presidential election. A choice that demands facts, not propaganda.

As the announcer lists each new “fact,” we see the words come up in GRAPHIC on the bottom third of the screen. There are mild differences between the two men, but each time a difference comes up, it is highlighted. (Underlined here.)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Democratic candidate Don McGuthers was an astronaut and walked on the moon. Republican Dan McGuffree was an astronaut who walked on the moon and rode in a moon buggy. Democrat Don has been married for seventeen years and has three children. Republican Dan has been married for seventeen years and has four children. Democrat Don has been a Congressman for thirteen years. Republican Dan has been a congressman for fifteen years. America, the choice is clear: Republican Dan McGuffree for president, because experience really does matter.

SUPER: “EXPERIENCE REALLY DOES MATTER”

WE PULL OUT FROM A TV SCREEN BACK TO THE ROOM…

JANE

While we’d slightly prefer McGuffree, because of his horse farm, neither candidate has a definable ethos, both have enthusiastically cooperated with the corporate community in the past and would be happy to have our support.

CHET

So, who’s in the lead?

JANE

It’s fifty-fifty. Anything can happen.

TODD

Well then we better back both of them, just to be sure.

CHET

Sure, then we can go halvsies with other companies.

RON

Halvsies is great. We won’t have carte blanche, but…

CHET

Do we even need a president? We’ve got sixty-two senators and representatives comin’ out the ying-yang.

HARTNUT

It’s not good enough. Not for this.

JANE

If I may ask, sir, for what?

Hartnut hesitates… this is a big reveal, then—

HARTNUT

Operation Green Meadow.

Quiet gasps as we see this gets everyone’s rapt attention.

JANE

(somber)

So it’s real.

HARTNUT

Very. My great-grandfather came to America with nothing but a nickel in his pocket, a million dollars in the bank, and a dream: to sell Indians the land they lived on. Well I’m dreaming, too. I dream of a better world for better people. And I don’t want anybody to veto my dream. By God, I’m going to do something I should have done when I was a kid. I’m going to make my own president.

Hartnut speaks into his intercom.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

(to intercom)

Dini, get me Chance Nightly!

GO TO SPLIT SCREEN

On one side is HARTNUT and the EXECS, the other is Bob as CHANCE NIGHTLY, a James Carville type, but a little flashier. He is sitting on the porch of a shack in the bayou.

SPLIT SCREEN W/EXT. SHACK IN THE BAYOU

CHANCE

What all can I do for you?

HARTNUT

Make me a president.

CHANCE

Well, now I’m ’bout out of that business, you know. Tired of all the kicking and scratchin’.

HARTNUT

Hell, you got the last three presidents elected, didn’t ya?

CHANCE

I might maybe did…

CHET

Chance, this would be your best opportunity yet.

No response.

JANE

Chance, this is Jane. You pick the man, you mold him, you make him…

TODD

From scratch.

HARTNUT

Unlimited funds.

CHANCE

Mmmmm… well I tell ya, crawfish season just started, ’n I’m just all pooped up down here. I’m a poopy-butt.

HARTNUT

We understand, but if you don’t do this, I’ll have to kill you.

CHANCE

Hm. I’ll need a squirrel patch full of money.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPLANE

Chance is on a private jet, having a drink, talking on the phone. He is all business.

SUPER, LOWER THIRD: TWO WEEKS AFTER THAT

CHANCE

Listen up, times have changed. It ain’t going to be a politician at all. We gon’ find ourselves a clean slate, a blank tablet, an empty vessel, which we can fill. What I’m talking about is an actor. And not one’a the seven or so good ones neither. I’m gon’ find me the most patriotic actor in the United States… no, not Hollywood! I just said “patriotic”! Trust me, I know just where to look.

CUT TO:

EXT. BRANSON, MO., TOWN SIGN

Chance’s limo drives by, into town. It passes a large sinkhole with police tape surrounding it. A sign reads: DANGER: SINKHOLE

GRAPHIC: TWO DAYS LATER

MONTAGE - CHANCE going into various shows, we see each marquee as he does so.

MARQUEE - JOSEPH CATALANANO in “ELEANOR ROOSEVELT—BELIEVE IT OR NOT!”

MARQUEE - TRILL HULLSBY in “CHEER FOR AMERICA—A CELEBRATION IN SONG”

MARQUEE - DAVID BUTTERBY in “LINCOLN—MAN OF PASSION AND ROMANCE!”

EXT. “THE BOB AND DAVID BIG FOAM FINGER CELEBRATION THEATRE”

This is the theatre where we were backstage, and we are back in the present tense.

It’s a sunny day in Branson, Mo. But the theatre is more run-down than quaint. The big foam fingers with “America’s #1” on them are tattered and faded from the weather.

SUPER, LOWER THIRD: ONE WEEK LATER… WHICH IS TO SAY… RIGHT NOW!

Chance Nightly walks into frame, glances up at the big foam finger marquee, laughs to himself—this will be entertaining, at least—and enters.

INT. THE BOB AND DAVID BIG FOAM FINGER CELEBRATION THEATRE

MUSIC: Patriotic backing

Some shots of our AUDIENCE, comprised of pasty overweight VACATIONING FAMILIES in various states of boredom and food digestion, as well as some chattery RETIREES, fill half the seats. Chance takes a seat in the back.

We hear an opening announcement.

BOB (LIVE V.O.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the show you are about to see is rated quadruple-X for Xtra Patriotic, Xtra Entertaining, Xtra Educational, and adult language and brief nudity.

David runs, jumps on a mini-tramp, flips and lands on the stage.

DAVID

Hello, Branson! Let me hear you make some noise!

The small crowd applauds. Bob runs, jumps on the mini-tramp, and lands awkwardly on David’s shoulders.

BOB

Hooray for America!

They dance as they sing.

BOB AND DAVID

(singing to the tune of “Let It Whip”)

The pilgrims landed

They said all right

Let’s make a country

If it take us all night

Let Freedom Rip

Let Freedom Rip

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SAME - LATER

David is in a George Washington costume, doing the Dorf on Golf gimmick, his tiny legs resting on a table in front of him. Bob, as Abe Lincoln, is standing.

BOB

Hey George, how ya doin’?

Bob slaps David on the back and David does a “Dorf-like” fall.

CUTAWAYS TO AUDIENCE. OLD WOMEN AND CHILDREN LAUGHING.

DAVID

Heyyy.

(slow burn)

Oh hello, Abe Lincoln, the sixteenth president.

BOB

Say, I thought you’d be happy to see me.

DAVID

Why should I be happy? I was the shortest president, my teeth were made of wood, and you tore my country in two!

CUTAWAY TO:

In the audience a small group of HIGH-SCHOOLERS make notes, and behind them stands an older, strange, long-haired gangly fellow named DINO. He stares intently, watching Bob and David.

BOB

Hey, I got a bad rap for that, but now, I got a good rap for that…

Onstage, the lights change, David runs off. Bob picks up a cardboard prop shaped like a mini-Humvee. It says “Hummer” on it.

MUSIC: Gangster rap

BOB (CONT’D)

Damn, it’s me G. A.B.E. to the L.I.N.C. Doin’ a drive-by on slizzavery.

Bob pulls out a gun.

BOB (CONT’D)

That’s right. Got my gat upside the hat of that stupid wack-ass beeyatch, inequality.

Bob shoots at the audience.

SFX: Series of startlingly loud gunshots.

Frightened grandmas shriek. The teenagers laugh and shake their heads at this corny rap.

BOB (CONT’D)

Take that, you punk-ass ho’!

(to audience)

It’s all good.

SFX: A car peeling out.

BOB with his cardboard car, leaves the stage with swagger.

ANGLE ON: CHANCE NIGHTLY IN THE AUDIENCE, INTRIGUED.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SAME - LATER

It’s the finale, Bob is onstage, wrapped in an American flag. He sings a lonely, triumphant, “Wind Beneath My Wings” type of song. CUTAWAYS to emotional GRANDMAS and bored TEENS.

BOB

If everyone will be quiet now, I will be so honored as to sing the final song of our show. Let’s remember the troops, wherever they are, whatever country they fight for, even our enemies, for without them our troops would be unemployed slackers. ALL troops everywhere deserve the biggest American thumbs-ups we can give them. Amen.

(singing)

I am the wing of an eagle, of my country I must brag, ’cause I was born an American, and I am the wind that flaps the flag.

ANGLE ON: Chance making notes, very intrigued by Bob. Could this be America’s most patriotic actor?

On the final line, Bob’s voice goes impossibly high like a castrato’s…

BOB (CONT’D)

I am the wind that flaps the flag.

SFX: Fireworks.

MUSIC: Up-tempo, crazy Keystone Kops melody

Spotlights swing everywhichway. David roller-skates onstage holding sparklers, and sings the crazy final verse.

DAVID

(singing)

And that’s the story of, and that’s the glory of, there ain’t no more-ey of, we’ve mined the quarry of… America!

BOB AND DAVID

And many more!

Bob and David throw cream pies at each other, laughing hysterically, out of character.

Applause. Bob and David bow.

DAVID

Good night, Branson. See ya in twenty minutes!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BACKSTAGE - MOMENTS LATER

Bob and David are in street clothes signing autographs. David is signing an autograph for an EXCITED GRANDMA FAN.

GRANDMA

Oh, Bob, you were wonderful, and my grandson loved it.

GRANDSON

Ha ha. You were funny!

DAVID

Thanks, but I’m not Bob.

Bob is speaking to TWO ANNOYED TEENAGERS.

BOB

You realize I’m interpreting Lincoln, we don’t know how he sounded, this was the eighteen-somethings…

TEEN ONE

Yeah, hey, David, can you sign my credit slip?

BOB

Sure, but I’m not David, but…

TEEN TWO

Just initial where it says we stayed for the whole show.

Bob initials the slip. Back to David.

GRANDMA

(getting closer to David)

So, uh, Bob, I really liked it.

DAVID

Okay, but I’m not…

The Grandma’s GRANDSON pipes up.

GRANDSON

Can we go now?

GRANDMA

Just a second, Grandma’s talking to the performer.

(to David)

So, where do you two hang out after the show? I’d love to get together… party… or whatever.

David and Grandma have a moment. Chance Nightly is nearby, watching.

DAVID

I just don’t know…

GRANDMA

Bob, come on.

DAVID

Okay, okay, just come looking for me, then. I’m Bob Odenkirk…

Chance makes notes as David speaks.

DAVID (CONT’D)

—And I’ll be at the Stage Canteen tonight after the tenth show.

Grandma nods, sexily. Chance has the notes he needs and turns to go.

ANGLE ON: TEENAGE STAGEHAND leaning out the backstage door.

TEENAGE STAGEHAND

Bob, David, next show is in fifteen minutes!

WIDE SHOT: The audience dispersing, Bob and David heading back in for their umpteenth show of the day, Chance walking past camera, his mind spinning.

INT. BACKSTAGE

Bob and David come in, Bob is burning with energy.

BOB

David, man, we’re a hit! We gotta do what I said.

DAVID

A reunion tour?

BOB

No, you’re getting way ahead of yourself. We gotta go into Mr. Billups’s office and get paid. Remember, we want gross points on profit, not a percentage!

Bob takes David down a thin, dark passage to stand outside a cruddy door marked “Theatre Office.”

DAVID

Okay yeah. Oh, and I need to use the real U.S. Constitution for my magic trick, I think people can tell I’m using a fake one.

BOB

Right, and bigger dressing room.

DAVID

Oh, and clothing pegs to hang clothes on!

BOB

And red M&M’s. Only red. Remember where we’re headed?

DAVID

The tip of… something.

BOB

Top.

DAVID

The tip of the top.

BOB

Of the… mmmmm.

DAVID

Mip! The tip of the mip!

BOB

The tip-top of the mip-mop!

DAVID

Mop!

BOB

What about a mop?

DAVID

Nothing. You go first.

They open the creaky door and enter—

INT. THEATER OFFICE

A shitty, overstuffed hoarders theatre office. The OWNER sits behind an old-style calculating machine, counting dirty dollar bills and doing sums.

BOB

Uh… Mr. Billups?

DAVID

Mr. B… Sir?

Bob clears his throat. No response. David claps his hand and YIPS.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Yip!!

The OWNER turns, mechanically, to face them. We see that it is a MECHANICAL BEAR. But Bob and David don’t notice this.

BEAR

Oh, ho ho ho, hee hee hee, it’s a bear’s banjo life for me!

DAVID

That’s great, Mr. Billups.

David looks at Bob—what’s up?

BOB

Mr. Billups… uh, we wanted to talk to you about a raise. We want a raise. We DEMAND a raise.

DAVID

Yes, we want gross points.

BOB

Also, I think you’ve turned into a mechanical bear.

The mechanical bear smiles at them and says:

BEAR

That’s all, folks!

And chuckles. Bob and David share a curious look, then DINO, the hippy who was standing near the teenagers earlier, steps from behind the mechanical bear. He is operating the bear with a control panel. Bob and David turn to see the crotchety MR. BILLUPS, the owner, standing off to the side, clapping.

DAVID

Oh, hello, Mr. Billups.

MR. BILLUPS

Boys, please, don’t sit down. I have some terrific news, for me. I’m going to let you boys go.

DAVID

Where?

MR. BILLUPS

Anywhere you want.

Bob and David are momentarily thrilled.

MR. BILLUPS (CONT’D)

You’re fired.

(turning to Dino)

I will take the family of mechanical bear puppets.

DINO

They’re not PUPPETS! They’re anima-motron-simulacs!

MR. BILLUPS

Uh-huh. Have ’em ready to go in ten. Minutes.

Bob and David cast a withering look at the gleeful Dino.

EXT. BRANSON

Bob and David walk through the streets of Branson, passing numerous sinkholes that are surrounded by police tape and blinking metal barriers.

BOB

Man, how am I going to tell my parents I was fired from a show they didn’t believe I was in!

David is getting emotional, we can tell by his snuffling.

BOB (CONT’D)

Uh oh…

David’s tearful snuffling builds.

BOB (CONT’D)

Don’t cry, David. Don’t… it’s embarrassing…

David can’t help himself. He starts bawling and he sounds JUST LIKE A BABY! Overdubbed with a real baby’s cry.

BOB (CONT’D)

Sh… David… come here… come on…

Bob takes David aside, away from any onlookers to help him get it together.

BOB (CONT’D)

David, stop. Come on… is this about getting fired?

David nods.

BOB (CONT’D)

David, we’re not done, okay? I mean, remember the coattail theory?

David does not.

BOB (CONT’D)

Well, it’s this, when a performer goes into show business they are wearing a very small coat. It has no tails. It’s like a light windbreaker. But as they get more famous that coat grows warmer and begins to grow tails, like a sea-fish. Well, we’re a team, and that means we have three coats—yours, mine, and the team coat. If you get more famous than I do, then I pull on your tails to yank myself up, if I get more famous than you, then you clamber up my tail, and if we both get famous we chop that tail off and fuck everyone else. Okay?

David nods, feeling all better. They begin walking.

BOB (CONT’D)

Great. Look around you. What do you see?

We see what David sees: a bleak country town, mostly boarded up, with a lot of sinkholes. Although they look as if maybe they were dug into the earth.

DAVID

A bunch of holes full of nothing!

BOB

Those aren’t holes, David! They’re opportunities for success! Who knows? You could fall into one of those holes and come out on top of the world!

DAVID

In China?

BOB

No, in America. Success can come from anywhere at any time.

DAVID

I guess… as long as there’s a TV camera nearby.

BOB

That’s the spirit. Come on, I’ll buy you a beer slushy.

David smiles and the two walk on down the street bustling with performers and tourists.

CUT TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

RON and JANE are looking out the window.

JANE

What could Mr. Hartnut be planning?

RON

The man’s a genius. He does his best thinking in that suit.

They are looking down at the Atrium outdoor area where someone is walking around in a big powder-blue suit, like a team mascot wears.

EXT. ATRIUM - CONTINUOUS

Mr. Hartnut in the PIT PAT MASCOT COSTUME is pacing, brooding, and occasionally scratching his furry big head. We continue to hear Ron and Jane’s conversation.

RON (V.O.)

He says he can get away from everything in there. No noise, no distractions.

JANE (V.O.)

And people like him when he’s wearing it. Strangers wave to him.

A STRANGER in the quad area, eating lunch, looks up at the big blue mascot and waves awkwardly. Pit Pat waves back.

RON (V.O.)

God, it must stink in there.

EXT. BAR

A local bar in Branson. The sign says, “Rick’s Bar—Bringing Actors and Drinks Together for over Ten Years.”

INT. RICK’S BAR

There are a BUNCH OF ACTOR TYPES drinking. Some of them wear funny patriotic outfits, some look like famous historical figures.

JOSEPH CATALANANO is a mustached, pompous actor in Eleanor Roosevelt drag.

TRILL is an impossibly upbeat, swishy fellow of indeterminate age, with freckles and a quiff, wearing a varsity jersey. DRAKE is a fat, slovenly fellow who looks sort of like an Osmond brother.

OVERTON, the friendly bartender, takes note as Bob and David enter.

OVERTON

Hey everybody, it’s Bob and David.

Everybody in the bar responds with hearty hellos—

BOB AND DAVID

Hey. Hey Stu, Pete, Jenny. Hi, Trill.

OVERTON

What’s up, guys? It’s only six o’clock. Don’t you have seven more shows tonight?

BOB

No.

DAVID

Yeah, we quit.

People nod… they’re used to this.

BOB

What about you, Trill?

TRILL

(pompous)

Oh, I quit my show, too. From now on I’m just going to direct major feature films.

BOB

Sure, why not? Mr. Catalanano, did you quit, too?

Mr. Catalanano sadly nods.

BOB (CONT’D)

What about your one man show about “Eleanor Roosevelt”?

JOSEPH

(actorly, overly grand)

Yes, the role was beginning to overtake me, so I, too, as well, and also, vacated my employ.

Bob and David doubt his story.

BOB

Drake, aren’t you performing One Bad Apple your solo tribute to the Osmond family tonight?

DRAKE

No, I was replaced.

DAVID

That’s impossible! Who looks more like an Osmond than you?!

We see DRAKE up close, he looks like an Osmond who melted.

DRAKE

Apparently a mechanical bear does.

Bob and David shake their heads.

DRAKE (CONT’D)

They said no one would know the difference.

BOB

We were replaced by mechanical bears, too.

TRILL

Me three.

JOSEPH

Myself, as well, also, too.

Overton leans over the bar, speaking assuredly. People share skeptical looks during his speech.

OVERTON

It’s all a part of the plan, gentlemen. “Operation Dwindlestick.” First you replace the actors with mechanical bears, then you replace the audience with mechanical bears, then you replace the mechanical bears with mechanical apes because what the hell do mechanical bears know!

BOB

So then you just have a bunch of mechanical bears performing for mechanical apes?

OVERTON

(scoffs)

Do the math. Eat the worm.

This is making a lot of sense to the assembled dopes.

DAVID

What’s the endgame? Who does it benefit?

OVERTON

It’s all a sideshow, don’t you see? A distraction from the real swindle. What do you think those holes outside are about? You see any dirt piles by those holes? The president’s going to live underground within two years. They got a water-powered car and plans to build a golf course on the moon.

The assembled audience of dim-bulbs is still with him, but he takes it a step too far—

OVERTON (CONT’D)

Oh, and the biggest scam of them all?… Porn stars use fake names.

The mob reacts with shock and skepticism, shaking heads, rolling eyes. Bob expresses their shared thought—

BOB

You’re nuts.

OVERTON

Yeah, I’m nuts. Big Brother is laughin’, boys and girls, and you’re getting your news from Jay Leno.

BOB

Well, Jay’s funny.

DAVID

Yeah… so… we’re laughing, too.

BOB

So everyone’s laughing. That’s good, right?

Overton shakes his head and walks away.

JOSEPH

Say, has anyone heard if that talent agent stopped by? I think he was in my show… I heard someone coughing.

DRAKE

That was me. My doctor said I’m allergic to dust… and female impersonators.

MUSIC: Foreboding score plays under next two scenes

DISS. TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

Hartnut (still in the Pit-Pat costume) stands at the head of the conference table, JANE and RON and OTHER EXECS are gathered around, quietly awaiting some order.

Hartnut dramatically removes the Pit-Pat mascot head, revealing his own face. He has been sweating and his hair is matted and greasy. A housefly buzzes out from under the mascot head. Ron and Jane share a queasy look.

RON

What is it, Mr. Hartnut?

HARTNUT

Rocket fuel.

JANE

What about rocket fuel, sir?

HARTNUT

We need some.

RON

How much?

HARTNUT

TWENTY-EIGHT STORIES’ WORTH.

Ron and Jane look to each other, confused, OFF THIS WE

DISS. TO:

INT. BRANSON CHAIN HOTEL - “THE YE’OLD BESTE TOWNE INNE HOTEL”

LINDA, CHANCE’S ASSISTANT is checking them in. CHANCE looks on with contempt at a FAT TOURIST KID standing nearby sloppily eating a churro.

DISS. TO:

EXT. BAR

Everyone is saying good-bye, dispersing. Bob and David are last.

BOB

Bye, Mr. Catalanano. Bye, Trill.

TRILL

Bye, Bob and David. Remember, tomorrow’s another day…

DAVID

Thanks, T.

Bob and David hesitate, this is a make-or-break moment.

BOB

Well, this is it, I guess.

DAVID

The tip-top of the mip-mop?

BOB

No, the end. Of us.

DAVID

Why?

BOB

Well, we got fired. I mean, I figure you want to go pursue your dreams of becoming a junkie and having a reality show about you.

DAVID

Yeah, I guess. And you’ll probably join that cult and have that reality show about you.

BOB

Yeah. Hey…

David stops, Bob stares at him.

DAVID

What?

Emotionally—

BOB

Good luck with your reality show.

DAVID

Thanks. And Bob…

BOB

What?

(beat)

What do you want to tell me? You can say it, you can say anything…

DAVID

It’s just, well… Good luck.

BOB

With what?

DAVID

Your reality show.

BOB

Oh, thanks. Thanks, David. That means a lot coming from you.

They resume their walk and David immediately falls into a hole, but Bob doesn’t see this… he just keeps walking and talking…

BOB (CONT’D)

Seeing as how you’ll have a reality show, too, and we might be up against each other someday, same time slot and all… that’s really big of you, David.

(beat)

David?

Bob looks around, no David…

BOB (CONT’D)

David?

Suddenly Bob hears David’s baby cry. He walks back, until he finds the hole David fell in and hears the baby cry coming out of it.

BOB (CONT’D)

David?

DAVID (V.O.)

Down here!

BOB

I… hey… I’ll get help.

DAVID

’K. I’ll just sit here, quietly.

Bob runs for help, but suddenly stops. His mind is suddenly reeling… on fire with an idea!

BOB

Uh… wait, no… don’t do that. Cry, David. Cry like a baby. Cry like the biggest baby you ever were in your life! I got an idea!

David starts baby-bawling.

BOB (CONT’D)

(to himself)

This is gonna make that Lindbergh baby look like an idiot!

CUT TO:

A LOCAL NEWS SHOW OPENING MONTAGE - THAT NIGHT

THIS MONTAGE CONSISTS OF: A FARMER BEING INTERVIEWED AGAINST A FIELD, THEN A SHOT OF THE FIELD, AND REPEAT THESE TWO SHOTS.

MUSIC: Local TV news theme

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

You’re watching Channel Three local news. Here’s Carl Trundle with the day’s events…

CARL is a typical middle-aged local news guy. Straight delivery…

CARL

Good evening. Our top stories: Fudge Season officially begins tomorrow night at sundown. We’ll have a full report later, but first, the story that has captivated our town today; the little baby girl trapped in a hole and the courageous young man who reported it to an emergency operator this evening. On the scene is our own Lisa Dunnandan. Lisa?

CUT TO:

EXT. HOLE - NIGHT

The area is lit with emergency lighting. PEOPLE and EMERGENCY WORKERS are gathered.

LISA

Carl, rescue crews are trying desperately to free the little girl who you can hear crying down in the hole. Listen…

She holds the microphone out, we hear what sounds like a very young child or even a baby, crying.

LISA (CONT’D)

It’s a parent’s worst nightmare. Thank God for the young man whose quick thinking may save her, Mr. Bob Ofenklerp.

Bob is wrapped in a blanket, shivering, and sipping hot cocoa. The small crowd listens respectfully when he talks.

BOB

Hi, good to be here. How’s everybody doin’?

LISA

Bob, what did you think when you heard the sound of this baby crying?

BOB

I knew that this was a true tragedy that should be televised. This is very hard for me. Please ask me another question.

LISA

Now we have a recording of the phone call you made only minutes ago. Let’s listen to that now…

SUPER LOWER THIRD: SUBTITLES OF THE PHONE CALL AND A PICTURE OF A TELEPHONE.

SUPER: “HERO’S PHONE CALL”

OPERATOR (V.O.)

9-1-1, my name is Shawntel, I’ll be your emergency representative. Anything you need today, just ask for Shawntel.

BOB (V.O.)

Oh my God, terrible trouble.

OPERATOR (V.O.)

Well, you called the right place, sir. We’ve been helping people for over thirty years. R U in trouble? 9-1-1 is on the double.

BOB (V.O.)

Listen, sir.

OPERATOR (V.O.)

Please, call me Shawntel.

BOB (V.O.)

Uh, all right Shawntel. It sounds like a baby is trapped in a hole. You’ve got to get a TV crew here as soon as possible. Oh my God.

OPERATOR (V.O.)

Well, I will see what I can do for you. Are you in the market for some speakers?

Lose subtitles and photos, full on Lisa and Bob at the scene.

LISA

Bob, some people are calling you a hero for what you’ve done. What do you say?

BOB

I’d like to say that I’m no hero, I’m just an American…

CUT TO:

CLOSE-UP ON A TV IN A HOTEL ROOM

As Bob makes his patriotic speech on the TV, we slowly reveal that Chance and LINDA, his assistant, are in this hotel room, fucking.

BOB (ON TV) (CONT’D)

(referring to the crowd assembled around him)

Just like you, and you, and all of you watching on TV.

Linda notices Bob on TV, she stops riding chance.

LINDA

Wait, Chance, you should see this…

Chance looks at the TV. They both grow intrigued by Bob’s speech.

BOB

Frankly, I’m just a regular fellow. I can’t stop caring, and I can’t stop trying, and I can’t stop leading. It’s simple; I can’t stop being an American. Hooray for America!

The crowd around Bob cheers, pats him on the back.

CROWD

Hurray!

Chance grins and pushes Linda aside. Chance runs over to the window. This is literally happening just below his room.

CHANCE

I think I found my pickle-lilly. Sugar bush, get Hartnut on the phone. Tell him I done did done it.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESCUE SITE - CONTINUOUS

Behind Bob and the Reporter there is a hubbub from the emergency crew.

WORKERS (O.S.)

We got her!

The CROWD falls silent, anxiously awaiting the appearance of the baby girl. Workers crank a crane. The crying grows louder.

LISA

(sotto)

We’re about to get our first glimpse of the precious baby girl who has been trapped for God knows how long…

It’s not a baby. It’s David, covered in muddy muck, wearing shorts that look a bit like diapers *(Needs to be in shorts in earlier scenes). He is lifted into view.

EXT. HOLE

When David realizes he’s out of the hole, his crying turns into soft coos.

DAVID

Ahhh, ahhh, mmmm, oooh. Hmmm.

(noticing crowd)

Hello.

David and Bob share a look. David glances around at all the cameras and the crowd.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Hey, it worked!

A rescue WORKER pipes up.

WORKER

What the hell?

THE REPORTER gets serious with Bob.

LISA

Mr. Olenklep, did you know that that wasn’t a baby in that hole?

Bob doesn’t know what to say… he got his moment, but he doesn’t quite know what to do with it, so… he runs away. People are confused and angry. They turn to David, who can’t move because he’s rigged to the rescue crane.

LISA (CONT’D)

It looks like we’ve all been victims of a very cruel prank.

Workers and onlookers gather around David, menacingly. Lisa pokes her microphone into David’s face.

LISA (CONT’D)

You! What’s your name?

DAVID

Uh… David Cross. Hello.

LISA

What were you doing in that hole? Pranking everyone?

DAVID

No… uh, no. Not at all. This is the first I’m hearing about all of this, myself. I mean, I was in the hole, so… I was out of the loop. No information could get to me. Frankly, I am as upset as anyone.

No one is quite sure how to take this, but suddenly we hear someone applauding and the camera swings over to find Chance, running up as he buckles his pants. He runs right up next to David.

CHANCE

Well said, let’s hear it for him, folks! This kid braved the odds. He’s an American hero!

The mob is unsure of this pitch, but there is some applause.

LISA

Who are you, sir?

CHANCE

I’m just a person—just a person who can spot a hero when he rises up out of the dirt to bring us all together and remind us of who we are—the best country God ever wished into being. Let’s hear it for the hero!

General applause grows to rousing applause.

DAVID

(meekly)

That’s me.

Amidst the hubbub, Chance is smiling and laughing. David begins to smile and laugh, too… and Chance turns to David and says:

CHANCE

Young man, you the coffee bean atop my tomato pancake!

The rousing applause of the crowd for David carries over as we…

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BAR - THE NEXT DAY

Rousing applause from inside—

INT. BAR

All the actors we met a day ago are cheering, David is in the middle of the group—

A banner reads, “Congratulations and Good Luck, David.” TRILL toasts him.

TRILL

(overly excited)

To David, the man who got the part!

Assembled actors all raise their glasses and cheer through gritted teeth, barely concealing their jealousy. David doesn’t notice.

TRILL (CONT’D)

… that he didn’t even have to audition for!

(weak laughter)

Joseph Catalanano steps up—

JOSEPH

May I say a few words, David?

DAVID

Mr. Catalanano, I’d be honored.

Joseph puts reading glasses on, although he doesn’t read anything.

JOSEPH

David, as Joseph Catalanano once said, no one is happier for an actor who gets a role than his fellow actors.

Murmurs of agreement. Joseph removes his reading glasses.

DAVID

Thanks.

TRILL

David, seriously, when I first saw you, I thought, this kid, this one, he needs work. Really. And you must’ve gone and did it, ’cause dammit, kid…

(losing the thread)

… make us proud!

Weaker cheers. Trill gives David a slightly painful, angry kiss.

DAVID

Wow!

A PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL steps up.

PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL

We got you this.

She hands him a book wrapped in drama mask paper. He opens it and reads the title…

DAVID

Five minutes, Mr. Catalanano: The Joseph Catalanano Story.

PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL

Joseph picked it out.

JOSEPH

It’s the only copy there is.

DAVID

(sincerely)

Well, that’s great… I’ll try not to throw it out.

JOSEPH

It can’t but help.

TRILL

If they need an understudy, you know where I am!

(very emotional)

Let’s cheer again, for David, the man who got the part!

(a beat, he cries)

God!

People comfort Trill. Chance leans in from outside.

CHANCE

Come on, boy!

People follow David out the door, patting him on the back the whole way. Bob is lost in the crowd and shouts out—

BOB

David! Don’t forget about the coattails!

DAVID

(yelling back)

Oh, no thanks, I’m stuffed!

EXT. BAR

David and Chance get into a long black limousine. The limo has a “Just Nominated” sign on the back and trails cans and ribbons. Everyone waves good-bye. Overton pats Bob on the back.

MUSIC: Upbeat, MOVING ON music takes us into—

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE

CHANCE and a COTERIE of HANDLERS are assembled around a podium in this typical press conference setup.

CHANCE

Reporters, press people, thank you for coming. Let’s face it, democracy in America has become a joke! It’s been reduced to the choice between two barely distinguishable corporate lackeys. Well, no more! Tonight we announce the formation of a truly viable third political party: TCBP—THE COUNTRY’S BEST PARTY!

A PIT PAT MASCOT dances out, holding a banner with TCBP on it.

CHANCE (CONT’D)

Now I’d like to introduce our candidate, an unknown, untainted by Washington and its mendicants; Mr. Li’l Davey Cross!

David, grinning, steps up to the microphone as flashbulbs go off. He’s ecstatic.

DAVID

Hi! First of all, I’m psyched. Secondly, it’s time to take this country back from the fat cats on Capitol Hill.

ANGLE: We see David is reading from a teleprompter.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Now, I am not from Washington and, if elected, I will not go there. Thank you. This is gonna be fun. Questions?

REPORTER ONE

David, you’ve never held office, what qualifies you for the presidency?

DAVID

I am not a politician!

CUT TO:

TV INFOMERCIAL OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE

SFX: Loud, synth infomercial music up.

Over the Title Graphic “Amazing People,” video clips of David in various situations fly across the screen: kissing a baby, pinning a medal on an old soldier, saluting a flag and crying, on a parasail, smiling to camera, and lastly, using a mop.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Tonight, on Amazing People, we’ll meet a candidate for president of the United States who will save you time and money, and make your life a lot easier. Now here are your hosts, Nancy Gumphrey and Ernie!

TV INFOMERCIAL SET

A typical cheesy infomercial set. The hosts, NANCY and ERNIE, a fey Englishman, bound out from backstage to wild applause of a hyperactive, paid AUDIENCE.

NANCY

Hi. How are you, Ernie?

ERNIE

I’m pip of the pop, Miss Nancy!

NANCY

Well, I can’t wait to hear about this new person you’ve got for us!

ERNIE

Yes. Nancy, what if I told you that I met a candidate for president who wasn’t a Washington insider fat cat?

NANCY

That sounds great.

ERNIE

And what if I told you that he’ll lower taxes, make this great country great again, and won’t put up with any Washington shenanigans?

NANCY

Wow! Well, that sounds great, doesn’t it, folks?

CUTAWAY TO AUDIENCE CLAPPING

CUTAWAY TO GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM, Chance, Jane, Ron, and other Execs are gathered around, watching this tape…

ON VIDEO:

ERNIE

But that’s not all, step over here.

Ernie drags Nancy over to a table piled high with rancid sponges and mops.

ERNIE (CONT’D)

Look at this awful mess.

NANCY

Ewww!

ERNIE

These are months-old mildewed sponges, mops, cleaning rags—but guess what Nancy, what if I told you you could throw them all away?!

In a grand gesture, Ernie sweeps them all off the table into a garbage can. TV Audience goes nuts.

NANCY

Wow! I can’t wait to meet this guy.

ERNIE

Well, here he comes, folks. David!

David enters to great applause.

ERNIE (CONT’D)

Now when we return we’ll watch David take on a real fat cat politician.

ANGLE ON: FAT CAT POLITICIAN. A cartoonish guy standing behind a podium.

AUDIENCE

Woooooo!

NANCY

Stay with us!

CUT TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

HARTNUT

You think people will go for it?

CHANCE

People are ready for this. Everybody knows they gettin’ the show, why not cut loose, let ’em really see one. Call a crawfish a crawfish and I think we’ll make a sale.

A BEAT.

HARTNUT

Do you think it’ll work?

CHANCE

It might-could.

HARTNUT

Hmmm. Do you like that sundae, future president?

Reveal David sitting at the end of the table eating a giant chocolate sundae, his face messy with hot fudge.

DAVID

(speaking through a mouthful of ice cream)

Very much so, thank you, sir.

Smiles all around.

MUSIC PLAYS UNDER THESE SCENES FROM THE CAMPAIGN

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

PEOPLE on the street, standing near a poster for David. Talking to camera.

WOMAN

I think it’s all just a big sales job. It’s sick, but, I guess they’re all that way.

CUT TO:

MAN 1

He hasn’t got a snowball’s chance. Third parties never win. Underdogs, though, I can relate to. Give him a chance.

CUT TO:

MAN 2

I like him. He’s like me. He’s just a guy. I don’t know. He makes me laugh.

INT. RADIO TALK SHOW

Bob as a crazy radio talk show host. A large poster hangs behind him reading: “Tom Rite, WTLK.”

TOM

(irate)

Who’s buying this?! Who’s buying this “David” guy? This guy is a product, he’s manufactured. Democracy reduced to merchandising, people. You know it, I know it. It’s been going on for years and this David comes along and now it’s out in the open and I say it’s about time! Go for it. You may be liberal, you may be conservative, but I’m Rite!

All the phone lines light up.

In one swift movement he signals the engineer; the show music plays, he drops his headphones, sips his coffee and looks at the paper, totally disinterested in what he just said.

CUT TO:

INT. SMALL MEETING HALL

David at the podium. He is taking questions from REGULAR CITIZENS in the audience. A Pit Pat is nearby, waving.

DAVID

This is a hoot. You, sir!

A COLLEGE PROFESSOR steps up to the audience mic.

PROFESSOR

Yes. I’m Tim Belger, a professor of history at Manute College here in town…

DAVID

Okay, I’ve got to say something. I can’t answer your question.

PROFESSOR

But I haven’t asked it yet.

DAVID

Yes, but I’m not that smart. I never went to college. I’m not an intellectual. I’m just a person, an American person. You should save your questions for a politician. But I’m not one.

Cheers from the crowd.

CROWD

Yeah! You the man!

The crowd taunts the retreating PROFESSOR.

CROWD (CONT’D)

You! You! You! You!

CUTAWAY TO A SMILING CHANCE WATCHING FROM OFFSTAGE

DAVID

Give him a goodie bag.

A Pit Pat tries to give the sulking Professor a goodie bag; he doesn’t take it. A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN in a sequined sweater steps up to the mic.

WOMAN

Uh, yeah, I just think you’re adorable. And I saw you on Good Time Today with Mark and Maura, and the other guest was Clint Black. Was he nice?

DAVID

Thank you. Good question. He’s fantastic.

Applause and cheers.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Give her a hat and a goodie bag.

Pit Pat hands the Woman a hat and a goodie bag.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPAIGN BUS

A red, white, and blue campaign bus with the logo “T.C.B.P.” on the side. It’s driving down a country road in the Midwest, and David is leaning out the window, waving wildly, to no one.

CUT TO:

EXT. STADIUM

Using found footage of a football game. It’s halftime, and a show is taking place on the field.

CLOSE-UP OF ACTION ON THE FIELD

David pops out of a big cake, waves to the crowd and dances with HOT GIRLS and Pit Pats to a marching band.

CUT TO:

SITCOM SET

In a living room of a typical, live action sitcom show, we see the DAD and MOM adoring their DAUGHTER in her prom dress.

DAD

You are prettier than a princess.

MOM

The last time your dad said that to me we were playing Pong.

Canned laughs.

SFX: Knock on door.

DAUGHTER

That’s my date, I’m so nervous.

MOM

Well, you were the one who thought a blind date on prom night would make “everything more exciting.”

Another knock. Dad crosses to the door.

DAD

Here goes nothing.

He opens the door. It’s David in a red, white, and blue tuxedo, with roses.

Wild cheers from the studio audience. He thumbs up the audience, then carries on with the scene.

CUT TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

CHANCE, HARTNUT, and the Others are watching the news and the numbers say…

Republican—40%

Democrat—34%

The Country’s Best Party—22%

They are happy.

ANGLE ON: David sleeping on the couch, holding a blanket… their golden child. Hartnut tousles his hair.

CHANCE

Okay, now tonight’s debate is it. I mean it. The whole campaign rides on this one.

CHET

Do you think he can pull it off?

CHANCE

Do crayfish shit in the bayou?

Long pause.

RON

… Yes?

INT. AUDITORIUM

The candidates, David, Don, and Dan, are at their podiums. They are all getting final touch-ups for a televised debate. Chance talks to David.

CHANCE

Now you remember what we practiced, right?

DAVID

Yeah. Don’t wink and don’t make clicking noises. Don’t sweat, and don’t sniff your fingers.

CHANCE

Great. Now remember, you’re an outsider, you’re new to this, you don’t know everything, but you do know one thing.

DAVID

Uh-huh, what is that?

CHANCE

I’ll tell you later.

A STAGE MANAGER steps out with the countdown, Chance moves off-camera.

CUT TO:

THE DEBATE

The moderator is COBB WOODLAND, a typical network anchorman.

COBB

Hello Cobb Woodland here, about to begin the Great Debate. Republican Dan McGuffree, your opening statement?

DAN MCGUFFREE, the Republican candidate, speaks first.

DAN

As an astronaut, I had the distinct pleasure of walking on the surface of the moon. This experience taught me the values of courage, prudency, and weightlessness. Qualities I plan to bring to being your next president. Thank you.

SFX: Applause.

COBB

Demcoratic nominee, Don McGuthers?

DON

Well, Dan, let me say that I, too, was an astronaut, and I, too, have been on the moon. I have stood, and sat, and even shat, on the moon—(pointedly, to Dan)

—and you, sir, are no moon man!

SFX: Applause.

COBB

And the Country’s Best Party candidate, David.

DAVID

America. I’m just like all of you. So, won’t you vote for me, and elect yourself “el presidente”? Please say yes. Love, David.

SFX: Applause.

BEGIN DEBATE MONTAGE

DON

… take a three percent cut across the board and redistribute it to the states.

Applause.

DISSOLVE TO:

DAN

… in doing so we’d increase the Pentagon’s budget, cut taxes, and build five hundred new prisons.

Applause.

DISSOLVE TO:

DAVID

… after you pay your taxes?! Right?

… how about a “Thank You” from the IRS, or what I like to call, “The Internal ‘Revenue’ Service”…

(rolls his eyes)

Applause.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Then we combine prisons and schools, call them schrizons and you’ve got some clear motivation for those kids. Thank you.

Applause mixed with happy hooting.

DISSOLVE TO:

DON

… send the ambassador to Cuba, and firmly remind them that democracy is America’s number one export.

Applause.

DISSOLVE TO:

DAN

(emotional story)

… and that woman’s name is Donita Mqueef. She’s with us tonight. Stand up, dear.

An elderly black woman in the audience stands, to applause.

DAN (CONT’D)

We’re going to get you that turkey dinner, dear!

DISSOLVE TO:

DAVID

… and so I want you all to join me in checking under your seat. Check under your seat. Who’s got the star?

Everyone in the audience checks under their seats. We hear, off-camera…

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Hey!

Camera swooshes to catch the BLACK FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER waving a big gold star, super-excited!

ENERGETIC SMASH CUT:

The WOMAN is onstage with David. David is slapping hundred-dollar bills into her open palm. The AUDIENCE counts along with him.

DAVID

Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred…

ANGLE ON: Dan and Don are annoyed.

DISSOLVE TO:

DAN

… because I believe we can all go forward together, only if our leaders are behind us all the way. Now I would like to ask a question to David.

David is shocked out of a daydream.

DAVID

Huh? What’s up?

DAN

David, the American people deserve to know the character of the people they’re voting for.

Dan pulls out a blown-up PHOTO.

DAN (CONT’D)

This picture clearly shows you smoking marijuana. What do you say?

The audience gasps. In the photo, David is in a DORM ROOM with two other kids, giving a thumbs-up, his mouth on the BONG. Everyone is very high.

DAVID

(nervous)

Okay. Wow. Where’d you get that? Did T.J. give that to you? Where is he?

DON

Answer the question.

Chance and Hartnut are nervous.

DAVID

Look, everybody, listen. I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, I was in a place where there was marijuana. But, the question is, did I in fact inhale?

ANGLE ON: Chance and Hartnut relieved.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Yes. Of course I did.

ANGLE ON: Chance and Hartnut nervous again.

DAVID (CONT’D)

But, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I… did not… get high.

Audience murmurs, they’re not really buying it.

DAVID (CONT’D)

It was all shake. By the time the bowl got to me it was cashed. It was a beat party, the people I was supposed to meet never showed, so I blew it off, got hammered instead.

Murmurs of disapproval. Dan and Don smile. Cobb pounds his gavel.

COBB

The Great Debate will be back after this.

STAGEHAND (O.S.)

Clear!

Chance approaches David.

DAVID

How am I doing? These guys are killing with their moon material.

CHANCE

Don’t worry about them, they can go on about the moon all they want. You just read this.

Chance hands David a script. David’s eyes widen as he reads.

MOMENTS LATER–

CUT TO:

DAVID

(to camera)

It’s very simple. This is my last campaign stop. In the next month, my opponents will spend an estimated combined total of 178 million dollars campaigning for your vote. I, too, will spend 178 million dollars. On you. If elected, I will send each and every registered voter a check for 4,072 dollars and 65 cents.

David holds up a GIANT CHECK to “Joe Public.”

DAVID (CONT’D)

So, the only question for you America, is, “How are you going to spend your 4,072 dollars?”

David points at the camera and grins. We hear applause and the WINNER BELL goes off. Everyone is stunned.

ON TV: CLOSING MUSIC AND THE CREDITS OF THE DEBATE

CUT TO:

INT. SPORT ’N LOUNGE

In a cruddy hometown bar, the usual bunch of blue-collar types are watching the debate.

GUY ONE

I’m voting for that fella, what’s his name?

OLD DRUNK

Clat Dross.

GUY TWO

Three cheers for Clat Dross!

They all do one big cheer.

ALL

Clat Dross! Clat Dross! Clat Dross!

As they cheer we pan down their greasy faces, ending on a very sad, quiet fellow on the end who explodes…

BOB

His name is David Cross!

But no one hears him over their cheering.

CUT TO:

INT. RADIO STUDIO

Bob as the radio talk show guy from before, TOM RITE.

TOM

(irate)

It’s crass! It’s blatant! This guy’s trying to buy your votes, folks, that’s it! That’s all it is! And I for one am thrilled! Because this guy, this “David” is buying my vote from me! Not paying off some mega-conglomerate! He’s paying me! And I like it, he’s got it, and I’m right!

Again, in one swift motion he cues his theme music, drops his headphones and plays a video game.

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME STREET FROM BEFORE

We see the SAME POSTER as before.

REPORTER (O.S.)

What are you going to do with your money?

MAN ONE

(excited)

I’m gonna get me one of them all-in-one massage chairs with a built-in stereo in the ear parts!

CUT TO:

WOMAN

I’d like to finally take that dream vacation to Reno… or Las Vegas, whichever one has better odds.

CUT TO:

MAN TWO

Hello big-screen TV!

CUT TO:

GROUP OF COLLEGE GUYS

(screaming into camera)

MONEY!!!

CUT TO:

MUSIC SWELLS AS WE WATCH DAVID GETTING ELECTED…

As we watch an ELECTION DAY MONTAGE of all the people we just saw coming out of polling places and cheering—they just made four thousand bucks! David is acting very dignified in his voting booth until just after he votes, then he BURSTS from the booth, jumping up and down, pumping his fist and screaming in other VOTERS’ faces.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PODIUM

David’s presidential INAUGURATION. Thousands of people are there. CHANCE and two EXECUTIVES flank David. David is finishing the oath. A white-haired JUDGE reads the oath. David is very excited, looking around, waving to famous people.

JUDGE

… and do you swear to uphold the Constitution?

DAVID

… to uphold the Constitution.

JUDGE

And follow the will of the people.

DAVID

… follow the people.

JUDGE

And lead…

DAVID

… lead.

JUDGE

… to the best of my ability…

DAVID

… ability…

JUDGE

… in the eyes of God.

DAVID

Yeah, yeah, yeah…

JUDGE

You may now be the president.

Fanfare plays. David shouts.

DAVID

Let’s kick some ass!

Big cheers and hugs all around. Chance and Mr. Hartnut grin and shake hands. Hartnut hands Chance a large briefcase.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Thank you.

On a stage off to the side is an R&B GROUP. It’s comprised of THREE BLACK SINGERS and ONE WHITE SINGER. They are dressed in flowing silk pajamas, gold chains, etc.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, with the inaugural song, Sir Groove-alot Records recording artist from Pennsylvania: Funkadelphia.

SINGERS

Ooooohhhhh…

(speaking)

Oh, baby, you’ve been around over two hundred years but you still lookin’ good to me. What’d you say your name was? America? Damn, baby, I’m gonna make love to you for four years.

(singing)

With the finest champay-ay-ayne…

The song continues. From out of nowhere Chow-Chow rolls up to David.

CHOW

Uncle! Uncle!

DAVID

Hey kiddo, how’s it going?

CHOW

Uncle! You’re the president! Now you can get me my special shoes for my fat feet.

DAVID

(chuckles)

Now that I’m president there’s a lot of things I intend to do. I’m going to get a satellite dish and watch whatever show I want, whenever I want. I’m gonna crank-call people…

CHOW

Oh. And special shoes, Uncle? Special shoes for me?

DAVID

I’m not finished! I’m gonna party all day, take a party nap, and then party all night with the best, most partyingist international celebrities that’ll make you wish you’d never been born.

David is approached on both sides by CHET, a young executive, Mr. Hartnut, and Chance. He shoves Chow away.

CHET

David. Uh, Mr. President, congratulations.

CHANCE

Well, this is it, we done it. You take care ’n’ do what Mr. H says.

Mr. Hartnut steps up, smiling ear to ear. David looks at him with a mix of obedience and uncertainty.

CHANCE (CONT’D)

Enjoy this now. Like my Uncle Flip said: you’re on the tip-top of the mip-mop.

This registers with David, where has he heard this before?

MUSIC: Sad-ish melody.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUS DEPOT.

Bob walking through a decaying, industrial part of town. He passes several holes in the ground.

BOB (V.O.)

Dear David. Hey, long time no hear from you. Ha ha. Well, I’m back home. Nothing much has changed. My old high school…

Bob passes a high school with the sign: “Vice President Humphrey High: Courage in the Face of Certain Failure.”

BOB (V.O.)

… the old plant…

Bob stands before the gates of a smoke-spewing factory with the words “Stacking Plant, a Division of Globo-Chem” on a sign.

BOB (V.O.)

… my parents’ house…

Bob is on a street of identical suburban homes, he’s knocking on one door.

BOB

Come on, Dad, open up!

Bob pounds on the door. A NEIGHBOR answers. He is not happy. Bob realizes he’s missed his parents’ house by one house, and apologizes.

BOB (CONT’D)

They’re all still here.

INT. CLASSROOM

Bob sits in a classroom chair, listening intently.

BOB (V.O.)

I got a job performing, so, I’m keeping the dream alive.

ANGLE ON: the TEACHER, TRILL!

TRILL

It ain’t brain surgery. If you do well, you’ll get to play America’s favorite corporate spokes-thing—you’ll get to wear the blue-head! Pit Pat! And share his joy with children! Who wants in?

The class all applaud, too excitedly, and TRILL slams them hard with his tough-guy act.

TRILL:

All right, kiddos, this class is not for the weak. You’re all my bitches now, and you have to EARN that costume—

ANGLE ON: Pit Pat costume hanging on a display—Bob is in school to play a Pit Pat mascot.

TRILL (CONT’D)

… and it don’t come cheap. Open your Shakespeare to page thirty-four and begin reciting.…

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MODERN STYLE L.A. HOME - NIGHT

We see the Hollywood sign through a picture window and hear a TOUR GUIDE’S spiel.

TOUR GUIDE (O.C.)

Keeping a promise he made during his campaign, the prez built this new White House in Hollywood, allowing him to remain closer to the people and the stars we all love.

Reveal Interior, L.A. White House.

MUSIC UP: Background, rap

Lots of couches, a big TV, Italia 2000 furniture, Nagel prints, track lighting. Amongst this crap are some traditional paintings of past presidents. The TOUR GUIDE is leading a group of MIDDLE-AGED TOURIST TYPES.

TOUR GUIDE

The new White House has over thirty-seven television sets. One is over your head right now.

They look up to see a big-screen TV over their heads, playing Reservoir Dogs.

TOUR GUIDE (CONT’D)

There are over twenty-four beers on tap, including the prez’s own microbrew. He has his own casino, a drive-in closet, and air-conditioned shoes.

VISITOR

Where does he get his work done?

TOUR GUIDE

Good question. This is the signing room.

She crosses to a door with the words “Signing Room” on it.

TOUR GUIDE (CONT’D)

And if we’re all real quiet, we can watch him at work.

She opens the door. The tiny room is a hubbub of activity, with David at a desk in the middle of it all. David is signing papers with Globo-Chem executive, Chet, looking over his shoulder. He notices the tourists.

DAVID

Hi, Donna! Hey, everybody!

Tourists smile and wave.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Hey, you guys be sure to check me out on TV. I’m gonna be in an episode of Hooter and Pooch, and I’m hosting Amazing Exploding Animals on…

Chet shoos the tourists away and closes the door.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Wait, I was talking to them, they’re my fans.

CHET

No pool party until you finish your signing.

David pouts.

CHET (CONT’D)

I’m serious.

David signs. We follow a DOCUMENT as it is put on a stack. A MAIL CART comes by, picks up the stack. The cart is labeled, “New Laws.”

CUT TO:

INT. SPORT ’N LOUNGE BAR

Back to Bob’s hometown bar. The REGULARS are here, smiling and opening their giant prop-sized CHECKS from the government.

OLD DRUNK

Bartender, 4,072 dollars’ worth of beer, please.

Everyone laughs as the BARTENDER serves the drunk. Bob is sitting in a booth. He has the Pit Pat costume on with the big blue head resting on the table next to him. Bob’s DAD enters.

DAD

What the hell are you doing with that thing?

BOB

Oh, this is just temporary until David gets me a Hollywood acting job. It’s called the Coattail Theory, Dad.

DAD

He ain’t gonna give you no job. Nobody never gave nobody else anything, ever.

BOB

(trying to do the math)

So, that means… everybody gives everybody everything all the time!

Dad scowls at Bob and then tosses an envelope at him.

DAD

This letter came for you today.

BOB

Hey, it’s from David! See, this is it!

Bob opens it.

CLOSE ON THE LETTER

FLAT VOICE (V.O.)

“Dear Citizen, we got your letter. Enclosed is a picture of the president with Willie Nelson. Yours Truly, the World’s Best Government.”

(with a TM stamp)

Bob sets the letter down, sad.

CUT TO:

INT. STACKING PLANT LUNCHROOM

There is a makeshift dais, set up at one end of the room. The PLANT MANAGER stands up at a podium with Bob’s Dad. The Manager reads from a card. Only about a third of the seats at the dais are occupied. Round lunchroom tables fill the rest of the room. People are eating their lunches only half paying attention. A BANNER hangs up behind the dais. It reads “Congratulations On You’re (sic) Retirement, And/Or Birthday!”

PLANT MANAGER

Anthony Odernklik, you have been working at this plant for forty-two years, today you are retiring. Please accept this chocolate watch as a token of our esteem. May it keep track of the sweet time that lies ahead of you when you eat it.

Applause as Bob’s Dad stands up at the dais.

DAD

Thanks, Mandy. As I look out at this collection of peoples, I see my boy. His name is Bob. Bob, I have a surprise for you. I’ve arranged for you to take over my workstation counting boxes. Also I have purchased a burial plot for you on top of mine, so you can follow me. Well, I guess my work here is done. I’m gonna go now.

With that, Bob’s Dad clutches his heart and immediately collapses to the floor… The Plant Manager looks at the chocolate watch and checks the dad’s pulse.

PLANT MANAGER

He’s dead.

(to Bob)

You start next week.

The Plant Manager takes a bite of the chocolate watch. Bob is sad.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MODERN SCIENCE LAB

This is the Walsh Institute. A sign in the foreground reads:

“The Walsh Institute. Where the present and the future meet. And make love.”

DR. WALSH (V.O.)

Gentlemen, ma’am, welcome to the Walsh Institute.

CUT TO:

INT. MODERN SCIENCE LAB

Mr. Hartnut, Chet, Todd, Ron, and Jane are being led by DR. WALSH, a scientist, through some labs. The first is typical, with a SCIENTIST looking through a microscope.

DR. WALSH

As you can see, in this lab we’re doing biospectral viral research, developing colorful new diseases… now step this way.

In the next lab, a SCIENTIST oversees FIVE SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD LABORERS who sit on the floor, toiling away.

DR. WALSH (CONT’D)

We’re nearing the edge of the cutting edge of sneaker technology. If you’ll step through here…

They enter another lab where a PATIENT is having his face operated on by TWO DOCTORS in surgical scrubs. A HUMAN FACE floats in a jar next to him.

DR. WALSH (CONT’D)

This is nothing, just doing a routine face switching. But in here…

Dr. Walsh flashes a security badge to an ARMED GUARD who opens a “Top Security” door. The group enters a pristine lab. On one wall is a curtain.

DR. WALSH (CONT’D)

… is what Mr. Hartnut has been dreaming of for years. Prepare to be amazed.

Dr. Walsh opens the curtain, revealing a glass display area. In the display a small four-dimensional globe floats in the air about eye level. The globe looks like a mini-Earth, with green and blue areas. But it’s somehow a bit different. Amazed reactions from the EXECUTIVES.

DR. WALSH (CONT’D)

What you see before you is a miniature planet. It has its own atmosphere. It supports life… And it was built in this laboratory.

CLOSE on HARTNUT’S face reflected in the glass.

MR. HARTNUT

Gentlemen, Glen Meadow Estates will be the first, private, planned, gated planet. One-third the size of Earth.

CHET

What’s it made of?

DR. WALSH

The infrastructure is a metal gridwork, but the primary material, the bulk of it, is dirt.

ROD

Dirt? From where?

Dr. Walsh uses a diagram.

DR. WALSH

Earth. Pure Earth dirt. Or simply, “earth.” We’ve been stockpiling for some time, digging holes and hollowing in a wide circle. Everything remains fine on the surface. It’s a process called “undermining.”

The Execs react with amazement, awe, some concern; this is a big deal.

DR. WALSH (CONT’D)

It weakens the earth’s crust, but it’s for a good cause.

RON

Holy frack.

HARTNUT

Glen Meadow Estates will have a controlled climate, private security, a 3,019-hole golf course, the real Lake Tahoe, the real Eiffel Tower, real Niagara Falls, all within thirty miles of each other. All the best, for those who can afford it.

JANE

(realizing)

A better world for better people.

Everyone is in awe. A BEAT, then… Mr. Hartnut accidentally cuts a small fart.

MR. HARTNUT

I’m sorry, I’m just very proud.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOLE - ANYWHERE

A large industrial tube is sucking up dirt out of a small hole. We hear a whistle.

FOREMAN

Okay, that’s all we’re getting out of this one. Haul her out!

We hear the familiar “beeps” of a truck backing up. It is loaded with dirt and pulls away from the hole. On its side is a Globo-Chem logo. Another crew swoops in behind the truck and puts up security tape and metal barriers like we saw in Branson.

CUT TO:

EXT. L.A. WHITE HOUSE POOL

David and COREY FELDMAN sip Bloody Marys poolside. David wears a terry-cloth robe, Corey has his trademark sunglasses and black fedora.

DAVID

So Corey, you got a part for the prez in Car Wash Academy II?

COREY

Oh, bro, I got you hooked up.

DAVID

All right.

COREY

Hey, you talkin’ to “the Feldman,” beeyatch.

A BUTLER enters with papers.

BUTLER

The morning papers, sir.

Corey takes The Hollywood Reporter, David takes Dramalogue. The cover has a picture of David on it, with the headline, “The Prez’s Improv Background.”

DAVID

Got to keep up on the news.

BUTLER

And sir? Here are your scripts for tomorrow’s press conference. I’ve had the big words spelled out phonetically.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHITTY MALL

Establishing.

INT. SHITTY MALL - BATHROOM

Sounds of shoppers and muzak. Bob is dressed to perform in the Pit Pat mascot costume. He looks in the mirror, adjusts the head. It’s “showtime.” He walks out the door.

SHITTY MALL FOOD COURT

SFX: Cheesy music

Bob as Pit Pat, dances around on a raised platform in the center of the MALL. No one pays attention. A sign by the stage reads: “A visit from Sergeant Manners from 1:00 to 2:00 - 2:00 to 3:00 Pit Pat - 3:00 to 4:00 The Button Doctor.”

CUT TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

Todd, Jane, and Ron are working. A bank of TV monitors has the news on it. Jane draws everyone’s attention to a news report.

JANE

Hey, shhh. Everybody, you should see this.

A female ANCHORETTE, SUSAN, reads the news. She sits at a National News Desk. The graphic in the upper third reads: “More Cave-Ins.”

SUSAN

Good evening. A poverty leak in India threatens millions, and in the Midwest more unexplained cave-ins leave thirty-two people homeless. Here with that story is Pompeyo Duarte.

CUT TO:

TV NEWS REPORT

EXT. BY A COLLAPSED HOME IN A HOLE

A very ethnic-looking reporter, POMPEYO (DAVID), speaks. He does not speak English very well and struggles with the language throughout.

POMPEYO

Yes, okay, I stand at a hole which… fall open. Eh, eh, two o’clock in afternoon. Many people hurt, surprised, frightened. You see emergency people working can you.

ANGLE ON: Emergency crew helping distraught people.

POMPEYO (CONT’D)

It very tragic, sad, sad. Susan?

SUSAN

Pompeyo?

POMPEYO

Yes?

SUSAN

These mysterious collapses seem to be occurring with greater frequency, with the causes still unknown. Do you have any idea what might have caused this particular one?

POMPEYO

Yes, yes, yes, okay, yes.

BEAT.

SUSAN

Yes, you do?

POMPEYO

Yes, there has been others.

SUSAN

Right, but what might be the source?

POMPEYO

I’m sorry… sauce…

SUSAN

Oh.

(to camera)

It seems like we’re having technical difficulties with our audio, we’ll rejoin Pompeyo…

POMPEYO

No! No technical difficulties. I hear you fine. But this word, this “sauce,” saorse, I don’t know…

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

The Execs watching this report on TV are concerned.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

Yet another party in progress. David, in a loose jogging suit and sunglasses, sits with giddy PORN STARS and PAULY SHORE.

DAVID

Hey, you douches want any more sushi?

They all do. FOUR CHINESE DIPLOMATS enter, accompanied by a Chinese INTERPRETER.

INTERPRETER

Mr. President, The Trade Leader of China wish to offer their respects.

DAVID

It’s all good.

INTERPRETER

This is Minister Chong Li Quang…

DAVID

Cool, cool… Ah so, Mr. Chong. This is Tisha St. Rue, Selena Lacroix, Beef Thomson, Brittany Lee, Jaqui Oasis, and Pauly Shore.

QUANG

(Chinese)

INTERPRETER

Minister Quang says, “You will see, Chinese prisoners will make superior golf equipment.”

David just stares at him, then David and the Porn Stars and Pauly Shore all laugh—

DAVID

That shit’s hilarious. Talk like that again!

An AIDE runs up to David, handing him a script.

AIDE

Mr. President, sir. There’s been an emergency, you have to go on television and read this.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE

It is lit for a broadcast. Someone is applying the finishing touches to David’s makeup.

FLOOR DIRECTOR (O.S.)

On in… 5… 4… 3… 2…

DAVID

My fellow Americans, hi. It’s me David, I’m the president. It is with the deepest of hearts that I regretfully inform you that at 6:14 Eastern Standard Time, the state of Indiana collapsed and caved in, causing untold injuries, fatalities, and horrific loss of property. Firstly, I would like to reassure the citizens of the United States that the Indiana Pacers, the Colts, and all professional and collegiate sports teams will continue to play their schedules. We don’t know the cause of this tragedy, but the FBI and the CIA are doing things. I can’t go into it because…

David nods in an off-camera direction, suggesting that there’s somebody in the room that he can’t talk in front of.

DAVID (CONT’D)

But rest assured, American Pride Goodie Bags are being flown in, and will be distributed. Thank you, may God continue to bless America, and now, more TV.

CUT TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

Scientist Walsh is holding some soil in his hand, pours it into a container. The EXECUTIVES burst in.

TODD

Dr. Walsh, these cave-ins are getting worse.

JANE

Can’t we put something in the holes, to fill it in?

DR. WALSH

Yes, yes. The best thing I can devise is this foam. It hardens, and can support as much weight as dirt.

TODD

Oh. Great.

They seem relieved. Then…

RON

Why don’t we just build our new planet out of that foam?

DR. WALSH

Well, it’s poisonous.

No reaction.

RON

Also it costs more than dirt.

ALL

Ahhhh.

BEAT.

RON

What’s the main ingredient?

DR. WALSH

Poison foam.

Execs nod. We PAN across the room and out the window. Hartnut is in the courtyard again, wearing the Pit Pat outfit, thinking.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

Earth is floating beautifully in the distance. The Space Shuttle enters the picture and slows to a halt. We hear the conversation of the shuttle crew.

SHUTTLE CAPTAIN (V.O.)

Shuttle Two in position.

COMMAND CENTER (V.O.)

Unload cargo.

Shuttle doors open and a large, somewhat loose, pile of dirt floats out.

Camera pans as the dirt drifts over to “land” amongst other dirt that is collecting, somehow, on a gigantic metal frame floating in space, being welded as we speak by lots of floating astronaut welders.

EXT. OBSERVATORY

SUPER GRAPHIC: “FjslKrank Observatory, Finland”

INT. OBSERVATORY

TWO serious FINNISH SCIENTISTS take turns peering through the telescope and exchange excited Finnish reactions… which are SUBTITLED.

FINNISH SCIENTIST #1

Jogel! Come quick! This is freakin’ my ass out!

FINNISH SCIENTIST #2

Aye Carumba!

INT. SENATE FLOOR

We see the Senate floor filled with Congressmen. A MALE and FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR are blue-screened over the scene.

MALE ANCHOR

Good evening. Tonight is the first State of the Union address of President David’s first term.

FEMALE ANCHOR

A tumultuous first one hundred days.

MALE ANCHOR

Yes. One filled with controversial new ideas: moving the White House, selling public lands, three new holidays, including Fox News Day.

FEMALE ANCHOR

He’s been busy. And he promises some surprises tonight.

MALE ANCHOR

Yes, a press release promised that at some point he would transform the Constitution. We’ll see what that means.

FEMALE ANCHOR

I believe he’s about to enter.

Audio of Senate chamber.

The lights go out and are replaced by swinging spotlights.

SFX: Space Age Sounds.

The Announcer’s Voice changes to that of a BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER.

BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, your President of the United States, David!

MUSIC: Gary Glitter’s “Rock n’ Roll Pt. 2” plays in the room

David enters, high-fiving reluctant SENATORS all the way up the aisle. David arrives at the podium.

MUSIC: Changes to ethereal magic special music

David begins setting up a Chinese box.

DAVID

(shouting over the music)

Ladies and gentlemen. Citizens! For years the mysteries of the Orient have been precious and few. One such mystery is the mystery of the vanishing peacock. Known for its amazing plumes, it’s almost impossibly beautiful.

David opens a side of the box and reveals a beautiful PEACOCK.

MUSIC: Sting

DAVID (CONT’D)

But as amazing as a peacock may be to see, they are even more amazing to see… disappear.

In a flurry of motion, David shuts the box, drapes a cloth over it, taps it, and the box collapses. David pulls the cloth up, revealing nothing!

MUSIC: Crescendoes

There is silence from the congressmen. The lights return to normal. David, unfazed by the lack of reaction, begins his speech.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Thanks, I’ve been really getting into magic. All right, all right. Wha’s up, D.C.?

David holds for a response that doesn’t come.

DAVID (CONT’D)

All right, psyched to be here. For my next trick I need a volunteer. Is there a pretty senator from Colorado in the hizzouse? Come on, what do ya say? Dianne?

Congressman are humfering and fumfering, not sounding pleased.

CONGRESSMEN

Boo!

DAVID

Come on, who’s brave? Let’s get some encouragement going for a volunteer.

The boos become louder as more people join in.

DAVID (CONT’D)

(pointing)

You sir, you look like a sport, huh?

ANGLE ON: OLD, STODGY POLITICIAN CUPS HIS HANDS AND YELLS OUT.

POLITICIAN

You suck!

The boos become deafening. People are yelling out all kinds of nasty things. David reacts over announcers.

MALE ANCHOR (O.S.)

Wow, I’ve never seen this.

FEMALE ANCHOR (O.S.)

They’re really turning on him.

DAVID

(making the “pouty” fish face, as he is about to start crying)

What’s going on? I thought you liked me? You guys are being real jerks.

MALE ANCHOR (O.S.)

The President is really getting emotional.

David starts to walk offstage. Pens and cups are thrown at him. His walk quickly turns into a run.

FEMALE ANCHOR (O.S.)

And is he… yes, he is running away.

MALE ANCHOR (O.S.)

I’ve never seen Congress make a president cry before.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE - NEXT DAY

The party is over. David sits at his table, but the room is empty. Just Corey Feldman and TWO PORN STARS, with TWO ROCK GUYS passed out. David is distraught.

DAVID

Where is everybody? I should never have made that dumb speech.

COREY

Hey man, you were great.

PORN STAR

Yeah.

DAVID

You think so?

Corey and the Porn Star agree.

PORN STAR

People who heard the speech on the radio were completely fooled by that magic trick.

DAVID

That’s cool. You guys are my real friends…

Pauly Shore enters, wearing a bra, underwear, a long fur coat and throwing glitter around.

PAULY SHORE

Look at me! I’m living the high life! Life is good! Whooo!

Everybody claps, but stops when Pauly pulls out a GUN… similar vibe to that great scene in Boogie Nights.

PAULY SHORE (CONT’D)

Whoo! Play my song, bitch!

A KOREAN ASSISTANT presses play on a boombox and we hear The song “Sister Christian” which Pauly dances to, as he yammers.

PAULY SHORE (CONT’D)

This is it! I got the look, baby! Check out my coattails!

On this word, ANGLE ON DAVID and push in as Pauly keeps talking.

PAULY SHORE (CONT’D)

I got the longest coattails ever made!

(gunshot)

Everybody can ride my coattails!

(gunshot)

Whoooo… I’m the coattail king!

Multiple gunshots and everyone in the room scatters, except for David, who is frozen, his mind focused on…

DAVID

… the tip-top of the mip-mop…

A single tear rolls down David’s cheek.

EXT. THE FAMILIAR GLOBO-CHEM GUARD GATE

Outside the Globo-Chem office building, Bob pulls up in his rattletrap car.

GUARD

ID?

Bob hands him the ID and talks.

BOB

Bob Okendorf. I’m Pit Pat.

Bob gestures to the Pit Pat costume in his backseat.

BOB (CONT’D)

I mean, I’m an actor who will be portraying Pit Pat today for the kids in the day care. I’m very honored to see the home of Pit…

The GUARD interrupts him. Couldn’t care less.

GUARD

Yeah, go on… whatever.

Bob drives on. Parks.

INT. GLOBO-CHEM HALLWAY

Bob is walking around with the bulky costume slung over one shoulder, trying to follow directions from a piece of paper…

BOB

… okay, the day care… where is that? Oh, better get in my costume first.

Bob enters the EXECUTIVE MEN’S ROOM to change.

INT. MEN’S ROOM

VERY NICE men’s room. Bob is in one of the PRIVATE TOILET STALLS, changing.

BOB

“Take it from me—I love you!” “Take it from me… Take it from me, I love you!” Oh, what is it Mr. Catalanano reminded me about? “Acting is the action and speech all balled together in a big glob.” Something like that.

INT. GLOBO-CHEM HALLWAY

JANE, one of the Execs, is frantically searching for Mr. Hartnut, walking down the hallway…

JANE

Mr. Hartnut? They need you, sir… they need you in the research room!

She stops by the Executive Men’s Room, not sure if she should enter it… she finally pushes the door open a bit and calls in.

JANE (CONT’D)

Mr. Hartnut—they want you, sir! Hello? Anybody?

Suddenly, a Pit Pat appears (it’s Bob, but she thinks it’s Hartnut wandering around in one of his “thinking” interludes).

JANE (CONT’D)

Oh, excellent. You’re needed. Right away. Follow me.

INT. HALLWAY

Jane and Bob walk down another hallway.

JANE

We’ve got an update on the new planet for you. Very important. You need to hear this.

Bob stops for a moment by a door that says, “Day Care Center.” We can see kids in the room, waiting to meet Pit Pat.

JANE (CONT’D)

Not there. Sir, please, follow me!

Jane hustles Bob towards a black door at the end of the hallway with the words “Security Clearance Required” on it.

JANE (CONT’D)

Right, here, sir, let me get this for us…

Jane punches in a code, breathes into a tube, and spits onto a flat black square on the security label.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Identiscan complete. Please enter Jane Tasselbock.

Jane smiles at Pit Pat (Bob), as they walk through the security door into…

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

In the room we’ve seen before, the same group of young executives are gathered around the table, along with the scientist, Walsh. Throughout this scene we occasionally view it through Bob’s POV, inside the mask.

EXECUTIVES

Hello, sir. Hello Mr. Hartnut.

Bob stands there, unsure of what to do, does a little Pit Pat wave. The Execs aren’t sure how to respond to this… they carry on.

TODD

Sir, everything is on schedule.

JANE

The planet should be ready to move into shortly.

Slide of a beautiful green-and-blue planet.

RON

The dome is almost in place and the golf courses will be ready for play on Friday.

Slide of ELDERLY COUPLE in leisure wear, smiling and playing golf.

TODD

And sir, we’ve practically sold every plot on the planet.

RON

All your friends, sir, they’ve all bought houses.

TODD

The richest people on Earth.

JANE

The cream of the elite.

CHET

The rich and creamy people.

TODD

But… um…

They all look to Walsh.

WALSH

Uhhh… There is one small matter. It seems that in building the planet, certain biological instabilities have led to the metamorphing of insects, well, one insect… uh…

(spilling the beans)

There’s a giant ant on the planet.

CHET

But it’s still just an ant.

JANE

It won’t eat much.

WALSH

Well…

CHET

More important is the matter of the planet’s core and energy source.

Slide of a drawing of a planet’s inner workings. Its infrastructure is comprised of beams, wires, and pipes, with a nuclear symbol in the core.

WALSH

Yes, the mass of plutonium needs carbon-based organic matter before it can set off its perpetual reaction.

JANE

A body.

WALSH

Preferably a human being.

TODD

Just one.

RON

We wanted to suggest someone. It all ties together so neatly.

JANE

You’re going to love this.

CHET

We thought this—what if, after he appears at the opening ceremonies, we lower the President himself into the core?

Slide of smiling David.

JANE

He’ll die, of course, but who better?

CHET

We couldn’t have done it without him.

RON

The little rapscallion.

TODD

So, that’s it. Any questions, sir?

A panicked BOB just stands there. Then he waves.

TODD (CONT’D)

Sir?

BOB

Take it from me, I love you.

Bob starts backing away, waving, nervously feeling for the door handle behind him. He gets a hand on it and leaves.

EXECUTIVES

Bye, sir.

Bob is gone. The Executives breathe a sigh of relief. They look around at each other.

RON

Whew. Good job.

CHET

Yeah. Who made these graphics?

TODD

I did. On my own PC.

CHET

Get outta here.

JANE

You mean you made moving 3D images with four-color graphics and six-point optics on a portable PC?

Todd pulls out a disc.

TODD

Yeah, it’s all with Quantel 87 software.

CHET

Quantel, huh?

RON

That’s bad.

TODD

It’s superbad.

RON

Can I borrow that?

TODD

I’m sorry, my brother, but you’re gonna have to get your own.

Their attention is diverted by the door opening up. Pit Pat walks through.

JANE

Yes, sir?

TODD

Did you have any questions?

The real Hartnut removes his Pit Pat head, revealing his own sweaty, greasy, unhealthy pallor.

HARTNUT

I’m late, I was having a tinkle. So, let’s get going here, I want to hear everything.

RON

Uh… sir?

HARTNUT

Let’s go, give me the update.

RON

Heh. Nice one.

HARTNUT

What the fuck are you giggling about, you retard? I told you I was tinkling.

The EXECS are stunned.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

Fine! I was dropping a deuce, you got me. Now what’s so goddamned urgent?

The Executives all look at each other, worried. They realize they told the secret plan to a Pit Pat.

JANE

Uh… we fucked up.

INT. GLOBO-CHEM HALLWAY-MOMENTS LATER

Hartnut, still in the costume, but with the head left behind, walks in a quick stride down the hallway, trailed by his young execs… he is barking out orders.

HARTNUT

Tell the crews to keep digging—we’re not slowing down, that planet WILL open for business ON TIME. Get me the biggest ant spray bottle we have—get me twenty of ’em. Warm up my escape pod—always keep my escape pod warm. Tell the President that he is being invited on a secret trip to the moon—we’ll use him to ignite the plutonium core. Got it?

JANE

Yes, sir, right away!

HARTNUT

And one more thing.

He stops in his tracks.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

Kill all the Pit Pats.

SFX: DRAMATIC MUSIC: STING

MUSIC UNDER FOLLOWING MONTAGE: A CHORAL PIECE SUNG IN LATIN PLAYS THROUGHOUT.

This montage is an homage to the murder sequence from The Godfather.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - EVENING

Bob in the Pit Pat suit is driving his shitty car, fast, we know not where. He removes the Pit Pat head and mutters—

BOB

Got to warn David.

CUT TO:

EXT. ARIZONA SHOPPING MALL

A PIT PAT is waving to kids and saying, “I Love You.” A black car pulls up, TWO GUYS get out and spray him with bullets from a machine gun.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT

David is being chased by someone down a never-ending hallway… this is a dream. We cannot see the chasing person’s face, only hear his laughter. David falls, the CHASER descends on him with a screwdriver. We finally see his CHASER’S face—it’s DINO!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT

David wakes up, crying his patented baby cry. He looks over to see the PORN STAR sharing his bed. She looks at him funny, like you would look at an adult man who cried like a baby. He sheepishly gets out of bed. He is wearing a long nightgown.

CUT TO:

INT. “JONNY SPAGHETTI’S” ITALIAN RESTAURANT - CONNECTICUT

A PIT PAT is sitting at this family restaurant eating a big plate of spaghetti with the CHIEF OF POLICE across from him. The WAITER, a sinister-looking TEENAGER with a big fake cardboard moustache, approaches the table. The waiter pulls a sawed-off shotgun out of nowhere and shoots the Pit Pat and then the Police Chief, who slumps into his plate of spaghetti.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE HALLWAY

David wears a long nightgown and stocking cap. He smiles weakly at the menacing SECRET SERVICE AGENT who stands guard outside his bedroom door, and walks down the hall.

CUT TO:

EXT. ENTRANCEWAY - OFFICE BUILDING - IDAHO

A PIT PAT is about to enter a revolving door, as two GOONS are watching. He pushes the door halfway and the GOONS shove a crowbar under the door, wedging it. He is confused. They shoot the Pit Pat, spraying blood all over the window.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN

Still sweating from his nightmare, David pours himself a glass of water. He is trying to formulate a plan, glancing around, paranoid. We can hear party noises in another room.

CHARLIE SHEEN enters, laughing, with a PORN STAR (Tisha St. Rue) on one arm.

CHARLIE

Oh, hey man.

DAVID

(scared)

Huh?

CHARLIE

It’s me, Charlie. Are you all right?

DAVID

Yeah, I’m fine. Bad dream.

CHARLIE

Oh. Hey, whose house is this?

DAVID

It’s mine. What are you doing here?

CHARLIE

Partying… right?

DAVID

Yeah, no, I mean yeah. Ha ha. It’s a party, have fun.

CHARLIE

Cool, come on, Debbie.

Charlie and the Porn Star turn to exit.

DAVID

Wait, you just called her Debbie. Her name is Tisha St. Rue.

DEBBIE

(laughs)

That’s my stage name. My real name’s Debbie.

DAVID

What?! No… NOOOOOOOOOO!

Charlie and the Porn Star exit, laughing. David is devastated by this news, even more scared than before, trying to think.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Overton was right!!! I’ve got to warn Bob!

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE

David is frantic. He starts testing doors to find an exit. The first one opens to a ransacked billiard room with a ROCK BAND crashed out in it. A silent SECRET SERVICE AGENT is watching the group, he looks sternly at David. David grins at him, shuts the door, opens another, nothing. Then a third door, and finds…

INT. WINE PANTRY

David is very frightened now.

DAVID

Shit! Supplies, I’ll need supplies.

He grabs a bottle of wine and puts it in his shirt. Grabs another, same thing, and another, but this time when he pulls the bottle the whole rack pulls open, it’s a false door opening into…

INT. LAB

Like the lab in JAMES BOND films, but there is only one thing in it, a strange-looking car.

CUT TO:

INT. MASSAGE ROOM

A PIT PAT is getting massaged (with costume on). There is a ruckus by the door when A GOON enters. The Pit Pat reaches for some giant oversized glasses (that would fit over the costume) and puts them on. He is shot through the lens (a la Moe Greene in The Godfather).

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Bob is still driving. He looks in his rearview mirror and notices a black van following him.

BOB

They’re following me… shoot!

Got to try to throw them off…

Bob notices a DINER on the roadside. He turns in to the parking lot, squealing his tires as he does so.

CUT TO:

INT. DINER - NIGHT

A PIT PAT (with Bob’s distinct Pit Pat head) is at the counter. He has a plate of half-eaten eggs and a cup of coffee in front of him. TWO GOONS enter and gun him down from behind. Blood sprays everywhere. The GOONS exit. The costume keels over, the head rolls off—there’s NO ONE INSIDE. Busted ketchup bottles fall to the floor. Bob, now wearing only underwear, has been watching from his car and freaks out: he’d propped the Pit Pat suit at the counter as a decoy, but he never suspected it would be “murdered”! He peels into reverse and out the parking lot.

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Bob is auxiously driving, wearing only underwear. He pulls into THE NEW White House valet lot and gets out.

BOB

Finally!

Other PARTYING CELEBS are picking up their cars. They, too, are in their underwear—so Bob doesn’t stick out that much. He tosses his keys to the valet and enters.

MUSIC: End of montage music

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT

David is frantically writing a note. He finishes, takes a sip of water from his glass, then notices “H_2O” on the gas cap of the car. He opens the cap, pours his glass of water in, and the car magically, immediately starts up.

DAVID

Weird.

He gets behind the wheel.

David sits in the car, presses a button, and a hidden garage door opens, revealing BOB in his underwear in a dramatic pose.

DAVID (CONT’D)

Hey! You look like Bob!

BOB

David!

DAVID

Yeah. I look like David!

INT. SAME - MOMENTS LATER

Bob and David stand beside the car, which is still running.

BOB

What’s going on? Is this your car?

DAVID

It is now. It’s water powered. I was trying to kill myself.

BOB

Kill yourself? With steam?

David nods and hands Bob the letter he had in his pocket.

BOB (CONT’D)

(reading)

“To anyone who cares, I’m sorry everyone hates me. I was only trying to be good. I guess I tried too hard.”

DISSOLVE TO:

CLOSE-UP OF LETTER

It is written in a young girl’s hand, with drawings of big eyes crying, and sad childish illustrations.

BOB

“Sometimes people are really insensitive, they look at me and see an ugly caterpillar that scares them because I am ‘gross.’ But they don’t stop to see the fragile unicorn made of glass that lies underneath.” David, this is deeply embarrassing.

DAVID

I know. Bob, I’ve got to tell you something that’s gonna blow your mind!

BOB

I know, man, I know already. I found out by accident. I had no idea of the extent of it. Look, you shouldn’t blame yourself.

DAVID

I don’t. I was suckered in, like everyone.

BOB

Yeah, we all were. What are we gonna do about it?

DAVID

What can we do? Boycott the porn industry?

BOB

Well, I guess that’s a start, but…

DAVID

But then we’re just punishing ourselves! Dammit! Tisha Lynn, Mercedes St. Whatever, why?

BOB

Wait, I think that we stumbled across two different horrible conspiracies. Look, let’s both say them at the same time, just to be fair.

DAVID

Right.

Bob and David look each other in the eyes, take a breath, and simultaneously launch into their explanations…

BOB

The earth is being stolen from under our feet to build a private planet for rich people.

DAVID

Porn stars have fake names.

A pause. They both gasp, and shudder.

BOB

Wait, did you hear what I just said?

David thinks, then…

DAVID

Earth’s being stolen… private planet… rich people… our feet…

(gasp)

That’s terrible! Hey, how come you’re not wearing any clothes?

BOB

(shrugs)

Ah, you know.

DAVID

Oh my God, it’s all my fault. What’s the plan now?

BOB

Listen, the core of that new planet is unstable plutonium. If we can just get down in there with an explosive we can blow that thing to smithereens.

DAVID

Done.

They shake hands emphatically—

BOB

Of course we’ll die.

David withdraws his hand.

DAVID

Hm.

BOB

But we’ll save the Earth.

DAVID

Yeah, but—

BOB

Don’t forget, you caused it to happen.

DAVID

I know, but still, not dying would be preferable.

BOB

But we wouldn’t really die. Not in a historical way! We’ll be heroes, and someday two guys who look a little like us would do monologues onstage as us. And people would cheer and we’d live forever.

DAVID

No, I get that. Our look-alikes wouldn’t be dead, but we would be. Probably forever.

BOB

Yes. I see your point.

They mull on this for a moment, then:

BOB (CONT’D)

Unless…

DAVID

Unless what?

BOB

I’ve got a plan! How fast does this water-powered car go?

DAVID

How fast do you want it to go?

BOB

Nine thousand miles an hour.

DAVID

It goes three hundred.

BOB

Why didn’t you just say that?

DAVID

I thought you’d say you wanted to go, like, ninety… then I’d impress you.

BOB

Good try. Do you have any guns?

DAVID

No!

(beat)

Oh wait, no, I have hundreds.

BOB

Get them. I’ll drive.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY

From a superwide shot, we watch the water-powered car driving superfast down this lonesome stretch of highway as the sun comes up. The car comes to a stop. Out of water.

BOB

Shoot. Out of water.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY

Bob and David are both peeing in the gas tank. In an “homage” to Zoolander, they start having a “sword fight” and slo-mo peeing all over each other as they giggle.

CUT TO:

Back to the car as it peels off down the highway.

EXT. GUARD GATE

The water-powered car bursts through the guard gate into the Globo-Chem parking lot.

INT. GLOBO-CHEM ATRIUM

CORPORATE EXECS are milling about, coming in for their morning.

Bob and David burst in, waving guns around.

DAVID

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t mean to harm ya, don’t mean to alarm ya, I just mean to charm ya! This is not a holdup or a foldup.

BOB

Globo-Chem has committed illegal acts against the people of the world. We are here to expose hypocrisy, destroy the monopoly, and do it properly!

David looks at Bob—

DAVID

Good rhyme.

Bob looks at David—

BOB

I thought of it a few years ago. I’m just happy to have found a use for it.

They look out to see they are surrounded by dozens of GLOBO-CHEM SECURITY with guns drawn.

CUT TO:

INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

Bob and David are tied up. Guards are standing around. Hartnut enters.

HARTNUT

David Cross… Bob Oden-whatever… What were you thinking?

BOB

Can we say something, sir?

HARTNUT

What?

BOB

We weren’t thinking.

DAVID

Give us another chance. Let us come in a different way. Through the air-conditioning ducts.

HARTNUT

Not today, boys, not today…

DAVID

Well tomorrow’s no good for me.

HARTNUT

Shut up.

Hartnut opens a window hatch in the ceiling. He looks up at the night sky. Hartnut plows through the following monologue, ignoring Bob and David’s asides.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

The stars are beautiful at night, aren’t they?

BOB

Okay.

HARTNUT

They say that for every person with a dream, there’s a star.

DAVID

I’m sorry, where are you getting your statistics from?

HARTNUT

Then, of course, you have your black holes.

DAVID

I’m not gettin’ this down.

HARTNUT

Antimatter, emptiness, a drain on the universe.

BOB

Kinda like this speech.

HARTNUT

It’s interesting…

DAVID

Not like this speech.

HARTNUT

Black holes…

Bob and David groan.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

… are more powerful than stars. In fact, they swallow stars. Well, that’s what I am, boys, I’m a black hole, and I am hungry.

BOB

I get it.

Hartnut picks up a RED TELEPHONE under a cake plate.

HARTNUT

(on telephone)

Get me the blue telephone.

An EXEC walks in with a blue telephone under a different cake plate. Hartnut picks it up.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

(on telephone)

Operation Green Meadow is Go. Implement Phase One!

Claxons ring and red lights spin.

Chet, Jane, Todd, and Ron run into the room and strap themselves into chairs. The DATA SCREEN shows the exterior of the office building. Hartnut straps himself into a chair in front of the Data Screen. This office set now resembles the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

CUT TO:

EXT. GLOBO-CHEM BUILDING

The office building transforms into a rocket, taking off.

SFX: Jet engines roar to life.

CUTAWAY to an amazed Bob and David—childlike wonder.

EXT. ROCKET SHIP

The side of the rocket reads (in cursive writing like the name on the back of a boat): “My Kid’s Inheritance.” It enters the stratosphere.

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM/BRIDGE OF ROCKET

Turbulence shakes the room as everyone watches the liftoff on the BIG SCREEN.

HARTNUT

To the Tippity-Top of the Mippity-Mop!

BOB

Hey, that’s our saying.

DAVID

Well, we didn’t say the “ippity” part.

BOB

Still.

DAVID

But if we’re going to be honest about—

HARTNUT

Shut up! We need to listen to this. Stupid FAA regulations.

Bob and David and the Young Execs all watch an informational video on the big screen before them.

NARRATOR

Hello, and welcome to the McDonnell Douglas S-5 office building, interstellar aircraft.

A cartoon diagram of the office building. Cheap animation of the building’s facade falling away and rocket taking flight.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Developed in association with NASA as an office building slash rocket ship, the S-5 is both an office building and a high-powered space travel device. So sit back, relax, and get back to the grind.

On the screen we see the Globo Planet fast approaching. It is a green planet inside a bubble. As we get closer we can make out golf courses, nice suburban homes and a mountain range and an ocean, and one GIANT ANT.

HARTNUT

(to Bob and David)

Jealous much?

CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET SURFACE

A small CROWD OF RICH-LOOKING WHITE PEOPLE, including Chance, are gathered where the ship has touched down. It is the end of a tiny main street, similar to Branson’s, but cleaner, very artificial. There are no cars, only golf carts.

The rocket door opens and Hartnut, wearing a high-collared robe, exits the ship to APPLAUSE. In the distance is the Earth, strikingly large. A HYPERACTIVE EMPLOYEE overdoes the cheering.

EMPLOYEE

Three cheers for Mr. Hartnut!

CROWD

Hooray!

HARTNUT

Thank you. Well, we did it. We built ourselves a better world for better people. I see Carlyle and Bunny Richmond, who built their fortune with zero money down.

A typical MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE from a late-night “make your fortune” infomercial.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

Jarred Spoon…

A RICH YOUNG MAN, smoking a cigar, smiles at Hartnut.

HARTNUT (CONT’D)

… you did it. With nothing but the sweat of immigrant labor. Charles Keating, thank you for being here. James, Rita, Carlowe, you are all loaded, God bless you. Now, to begin. Dr. Walsh?

Dr. Walsh stands off to the side on the edge of a hole. Bob and David are tied up and dangle over the hole from the end of a crane.

DR. WALSH

Yes. Soon you will be able to take off your weight belts. By lowering this sampling of organic carbon matter into the plutonium core we will achieve a reaction necessary to provide full, Earth-like, gravitational pull.

HARTNUT

And look who’s providing us with the necessary raw materials. It’s our good friend, the President of the United States, and his dancing partner.

Applause. David can’t help but smile and wave.

DAVID

All right, people! Are you ready to party?!!

HARTNUT

Well, you gentlemen don’t seem too upset about transforming into globules of antimatter.

DAVID

No, man, we’re into it. Let’s do this, we love it.

BOB

Yeah, did we give you the impression we didn’t want to organically implode? Geez, no.

HARTNUT

Very well, then. Here to do the honors is my great-grandchild, Elsinore.

We see a really cute LITTLE GIRL, about six years old.

ELSINORE

The children of the world are our future.

Everyone applauds the little girl and they toast each other and chatter happily.

BOB

Oh, geez, I’m not listening to this crap.

DAVID

Yeah. Children ain’t shit, and I’m sick of hearing it.

Hartnut is peeved.

HARTNUT

Why are you ruining this perfect day?

DAVID

Look, can I say a few words for the adults in the room?

BOB

Hey, assholes!

Everyone shuts up and listens.

DAVID

Listen, folks, we should be totally honest with you. Bob and I are gonna be famous.

HARTNUT

(laughing)

Oh yeah, how’s that?

DAVID

We’re gonna blow up this planet, and then be on the news. Bob?

David looks over at Bob, who is slumped over, motionless. Is he dead…?

DAVID (CONT’D)

Bob?

CUT TO:

EXT. BRANSON STREET

Bob and David in their show clothes (Bob in suit, David in shorts and T-shirt) are sitting on the steps of their favorite bar, both are operating puppetronic remote devices like the ones DINO used to manipulate the mechanical bears earlier in the movie. Both wear thick glasses that allow them to see what their doppelganger robots on the future planet are seeing.

DAVID

… Bob—wake up!

BOB

This thing is jammed.

REVEAL Dino, the puppeteer, sitting next to Bob, he reaches over and flicks a switch on Bob’s remote control and we

CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET SURFACE

The BOB ANIMATRON comes back to life!

BOB

There we go—here I am again. Whew, sorry… I conked out for a second there. Where were we again?

DAVID

I was just explaining about how we’re going to blow up.

BOB

Good. Yes. Let’s do it!

The Mechanical Bob and David open up their chests to reveal scary thermonuclear BOMBS. The assembled rich people gasp and step back.

The Bob and David Animatrons reach into their mechanical chests and hook wires together, adjusting calibrations.

HARTNUT

What the hell? You’re not people… you’re some kind of robots.

BOB

The best kind of robot—the hero kind!

DAVID

One second, almost hooked up.

HARTNUT

What the hell is going on?

BOB

Let me explain. Here’s the deal, there are six different kinds of stars in the sky… I think.

DAVID

Yeah, and then there are black holes. Now, black holes suck.

HARTNUT

I know, I know, I’m the one that told you about that shit.

BOB

Right. Okay, well then, we’re all set. I guess there’s nothing left to do but…

ANIMATRONIC Bob and David press the buttons on their chests simultaneously and–

CUT TO:

EXT. MAIN STREET - BRANSON

View of the new planet in the night sky - BLOWING UP

ANGLE: The humanoid Bob, David, and all the actors from town are gathered on the front steps of their favorite bar, looking up, watching the explosion.

Bob and David remove their simulation eyeglasses and enjoy the giant explosion along with their actor friends. People applaud.

BOB

It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

DAVID

Wow. Yeah, it’s a shame so many rich people had to die.

BOB

Hey, that’s the first time in history that’s ever been said.

CHOW-CHOW rolls up.

CHOW

Uncle, Uncle!

DAVID

Hey, little big guy.

CHOW

Ha ha, Uncle, you’re so funny, I’m sad.

DAVID

Oh, why?

CHOW

Doctor said ’cause I didn’t get my special shoes my feet are gonna swell up and choke me to death.

DAVID

Oh.

Bob is looking really sad. To David he motions…

BOB

We gotta go.

DAVID

Listen, Chow. I hear you. I’m gonna do everything in my power to help me gain more power so I can gain more power. See, I want to have so much money that I can buy all the special shoes in the world, and just… burn ’em. Just ’cause I have that much money. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

They share a moment. Behind David, Bob pulls up in a HOT RED SPORTS CAR. He has THREE LARGE-BREASTED WOMEN in bikinis in the back seat.

BOB

Hey David, you ready?

David nods to Bob.

DAVID

Oh, yeah.

David pats Chow on the head, jumps in the car. Bob hands David some Ray-Bans. They both put a pair on.

As Bob and David strike poses, we hear the outro song “Cool Summer”—a typical ’80s teen movie theme a la Footloose. They high-five. FREEZE FRAME. Over the following song we see the CREDITS and STILLS of Bob and David posing with volleyballs, big-titted girls, cool cars, and in various scenes that just plain weren’t in the movie. In every scene they have ’80s clothes and haircuts.

Bob fighting with a GUY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT.

David in a lifeguard chair with a gorilla peeking out behind him.

Bob and David in all-black clothes at night, sneaking by a sign that reads, “Ridgemont All-Girl Academy.”

Bob and David mooning a graduation ceremony.

The very last picture, before the song fades out, is Man One sitting in his massage chair.

SONG

Cool Summer / We’re gonna have a cool summer! / We’re gonna play volleyball in the sand / And rock ’n’ roll with a rock ’n’ roll band / Cool summer gonna be all right / We’re gonna sleep all day and sleep all night! / We’re gonna beat up some strangers who live out in the sticks / and find some chicks to suck our dicks! / Pull some pranks, rob some banks / Take crystal meth and snort some crank! / Cool Summer! Yeah!

FADE OUT.

“Studio Notes” on “Hooray for America!”

From: CASEY Voldemortz, Production Head, ********** pictures

To: Everydamnbody at this studio

Re: Hooray for America! screenplay

Are we making this thing?! I was at my summer-summer home in Amagansett (I rent the same place every year, it’s three houses down from my summer home and right between LaBarbara’s and LaLorne’s, but keep that under your hat), ready to relax, read a few scripts, see and be-seen, and make some GD deals when I looked up to find this turd-in-waiting script awaiting me. I called G.T. my V.P. at three A.M. and he said it wasn’t green-lit yet, but was aquamarine, verging on green, and so I put aside sleep for another day and dug in. Here are my thoughts:

Who are Bob and David? Do we care? Can this be Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore? If we can’t get Fraser, what if Pauly plays both parts? Wait, what am I talking about? “If we can’t get Fraser”?! Of course we can. Scratch that. THE ONLY THING I UNEQUIVOCALLY LIKE is this serio-comic “promotional” section that opens the film (here) But please FIND OUT: Are these real products? Wonderful opportunity for Product placement! SOMEONE Call Marketing. Don’t we make rabbits? Get Karyn on this.

RE: THE CHARACTER OF CHOW-CHOW (here) This is a wonderful opportunity for INTERNATIONAL SALES!! But can we find a cute Korean kid who speaks English, for fuck’s sake! The way this is written is borderline racist! Also kid doesn’t have to be Korean, no? Jap, China kid, Filipino is fine, right? Or Hawaiian? Maybe Eskimo?

RE: CASTING (here) Can we get Alec Baldwin for Mr. Hartnut? Probably cheap. His career is over. I just saw him on the beach doing his morning run–he has a stomach like a barrel of gefilte, wobbling to and fro.

I DO NOT like the political aspects - NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN SATIRE!!! (here) But, should we make one of the candidates black? Thinking “24” or “Armageddon” here.

RE: THE MENTION OF CRAWFISH (here) Note to my ASSISTANT, JENNY - “Crawfish” reminds me, Jenny, I’m having lunch at the Ivy with Bewkes, right? Find out if they have the smoked trout today, if not cancel lunch. Say I’m with SALMAN RUSHDIE–who, by the way, I just saw taking his morning constitutional on the beach. He was SHITTING IN THE OCEAN!! Good for him–I’d give anything to take a real dump.

RE: LOCATION (here) Branson? Sounds expensive. Is this a real place? Can’t we just shoot in the fucking Valley? Seriously. Don’t be stupid.

RE: RATINGS!! (here) I see a ref to “Brief Nudity”?? Who? One of these guys? Absolutely not! Let’s get Jessica Alba in for this part? Or maybe what’s-her-face? Yeah, let’s get her.

RE: PLOT POINT (here thru here) This whole song/tribute thing to “America”. I don’t get it. It’s not funny. It MAY BE EDUCATIONAL, but NO ONE CARES!! People don’t go to movies to LEARN ANYTHING! They go to movies to give money to people like me. Period. ALSO, is rapping still popular? Jenny, can you go to security and ask a black?

RE: MECHANICAL BEAR (here) Can we get John Goodman for the Bear? He could do a voice-over or we could put Goodman in Bear makeup. This thing needs some marquee names. Anybody!

RE: MORE MARKETING TIE-INS!! (here) Regarding Pit Pat costume… possible tie-in? Can we make this a skateboarding “hoodie”? Who is PIT PAT? Will we get sued? Can we SUE SOMEONE ELSE IF WE MAKE THIS MOVIE? Look into it, that might be reason to give it a greenie!

- I stopped reading for a little bit. A lot of fucking talking in this thing. That’s like, all it is. Do people like talking? Jenny, go outside and ask someone walking around.

RE: TV PARODY IN FILM (here) Regarding junkie/reality show… possible spin-off? Having lunch with Burnett on Tuesday, will feel him out. Also, NOT going back to the Ivy! DeVito and Perlman hit me up for a threesome! No thank you. If it was Ron Perlman, then maybe. Rhea? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

RE: BRUNCH (here) Am I still having brunch with Harvey and Anna on Sunday? Do I still drink? If I do let’s make it at the Ivy. LOOOOVE their peach bellinis! I think. JENNY, Find out if I still like peach bellinis.

RE: LUNCH (here) Jenny, where am I having lunch tomorrow? What’s the name of the sushi place in the valley that Bay told me he got a handi from the hostess? Sushi Dushi or something like that? What was the name of the hostess? I’m guessing Lee or Kwan or something like that?

RE: SOMETHING IN THE SCRIPT (here) I see a reference to an “el Presidente” Nice!! This is the fastest growing demographic in America. More of this! Maybe a Telenova tie-in?

OVERALL NOTES: I stopped reading at 184. It’s 10 AM and time to MAKE SOME DEALS and GOUGE SOMEONE. I have to eat something and talk to someone–whose idea was it to vacation at a place so peaceful and quiet! I’m going fucking nuts! RE: THIS MOVIE - Jesus, I can’t believe I made it through one-quarter of this turd on wheels. I would never see this thing. No explosions, no tits. Also no exploding tits. PASS!

BONUS SKETCH SCRIPTS!

FAGIT & MORELLO

by Bob Odenkirk and David Cross

Written in 2009

INT. BISHOP’S STUDY

A fat bishop in fancy dress sits behind a simple desk, speaking into a big microphone. This is ALL BLACK-AND-WHITE, sorta like newsreel, except for the film clips, which are like a black-and-white Martin and Lewis film.

BISHOP

Hello fellow bishops, parish priests and devout followers, this is Bishop John McMurtry of the Greater Rochester Archdiocese, here to talk about a film that is coming to your community in this year of our lord, one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six. The film I am about to sample for you is wicked and venal. The images you are about to see are shameful and cause for great consternation, though the cinematography by Gerhard Deutsch is, as usual, nothing less than brilliant. The film features a newly discovered nightclub song and comedy team by the name of “Fagit and Montello,” but do not be deceived by the lighthearted japery, this film is rife with blasphemy and scandal—

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT FOOTAGE

Random Graphics fill the screen: “Laughingest!”, “Singingest!”, “Romancingest!”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Coming to the screen, laughs, songs, and more laughs! Get lost in the scorching desert with America’s laughingest singingest new comedy-romancery team! “Fagit and Morello”! As they chase girls, and fortune, in the cradle of civilization! The Exotic Middle East!!

INT. DESERT STUDIO SET

Bob and David as a Martin and Lewis type of comic team. Bob is the Dean Martin (Morello), David is the Jerry Lewis (Fagit). They are in a fakey studio “Desert” set. Both have leather flying gear, like from the ’40s, and speak in sorta dopey but lovable Brooklyn accents of the time.

FAGIT

Hey you, Morello, where the heck are we?

MORELLO

Hey you, Fagit, how should I know? You were the navigator, you got us lost!

FAGIT

Yeah, I’m sorry, now we’ll never find the jade onyx of King Kumutmutmut.

MORELLO

Ah, shut up about that rotten stone. I need to find some girls.

FAGIT

You gonna put your cannoli in their spaghetti?

MORELLO

You know it, chum. First, I’ll sing to ’em, but there’s no way I’m singin’ with this parched throat.

FAGIT

Wish there was some water.

Along comes a COMICAL MERCHANT in a striped outfit selling water in leather-bladder-type containers. Fagit grabs one and pours a bunch down his throat and on his face.

MERCHANT

No! You stop! Is holy! Holy water!

MORELLO

Hey you, Fagit, stop it, that’s holy water you’re drinkin’!

Fagit does a spit take.

FAGIT

I thought it tasted kinda old.

MORELLO

You know what that means? I guess we’re in the Holy Land.

Music starts and the Merchant and Fagit both become transfixed by Morello as he begins singing in a nondescript crooner style that is Andy Williams crossed with Bob Odenkirk… but more Bob Odenkirk.

MORELLO (CONT’D)

(singing)

Holy Land, Holy Moly land, Man Oh Man, This ain’t no Charlie Chan… land—

The song cuts out as we

CUT TO:

EXT. FOOTAGE OF MIDEAST SITES

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

See the two knuckle-brains as they hunt for diamonds! Meet sirens and sahibs! And run into the holiest ghost of all, in Fagit and Morello Meet the Ghost of Jesus!

The TITLE: FAGIT AND MORELLO MEET THE GHOST OF JESUS

CUT TO:

INT. UNDERGROUND TOMB SET

The two guys, led by their SAHIB HELPER, a very white guy with too much tanning makeup on, walk around with flaming torches.

FAGIT

Hey you, Morello, shine a light over here, I gotta pick my nose.

Morello shines the light at Fagit and he digs away in his nose with gusto.

FAGIT (CONT’D)

Ah… sweet relief.

Behind Fagit is an illuminated tomb!

SAHIB

Oh my goodness and gracious, it can’t be!

FAGIT

What? Ain’t you never seen nobody digging for nose gold before?

MORELLO

No, not that, Fagit. It’s a tombstone. What does it say, Sahib?

SAHIB

It say, “This is the tomb of the one they call the Nazarene.”

FAGIT

Haha! What kinda name is “Nazarene”?! That’s a nutty name! They used to call my Uncle Morty the “Schnozz-arene!”

Morello slaps Fagit.

MORELLO

Shut up, Faggoli, you’re way off the mark! Don’t you know who that is?

FAGIT

Naw, I don’t, so who’s it anyways?!

MORELLO

Christ!

FAGIT

Don’t get mad at me, just tell me!

MORELLO

Jesus, you dope!

FAGIT

Christ Almighty, what are ya talkin’ about?

MORELLO

That’s it exactly!

FAGIT

What?

MORELLO

You got it!

FAGIT

I got what?

MORELLO

The one! He who am—that’s who!

FAGIT

I’ve never been so confused! Jesus H. Christ on a cross!

MORELLO

Exactly!!

FAGIT

Why you!! Jumpin’ Jesus! Answer the question! Whose tomb is it?

MORELLO

Well, I don’t know if he jumped any, but he sure was a kooky kat!

Fagit has a fit, which ends as Morello sings in his trademark, white-bread warble…

MORELLO (CONT’D)

(singing)

Jesus H, Whatshisface, the Leader of the human race—best guy ever, never mind the weather, he’ll zap them clouds with his superpow’rs!

Cutting the song off again as we

CUT TO:

INT. TOMB

F&M are sitting on the lid of an opened grave, wiping sweat from their foreheads. Morello is asleep.

FAGIT

Ah, you go ’head an’ sleep. I’ll keep watch. There ain’t nothin’ in this tomb, anyways.

From behind Fagit comes the ghost of a very gentle-seeming Jesus.

FAGIT (CONT’D)

You feel a draft, Morello? Whew, all of the sudden it got kinda cold—

JESUS’ GHOST puts his hand on Fagit’s shoulder.

FAGIT (CONT’D)

Hey you, Morello! Is that… you? I-I-I thought you was asleep… I…

He turns around, gulps, his eyes pop at the sight of Jesus…

FAGIT (CONT’D)

M-M-M-Morello!

MORELLO

What is it, I’m tryna catch some winks!

FAGIT

J-J-J-Jesus!

MORELLO

God bless ya.

FAGIT

No… I mean the ghost of J-J-Jesus!

They both jump up and run.

INT. TOMB HALLWAY

Fagit and Morello run around, being chased by the ghost of Jesus as SPIKE JONES “krazy” music plays.

Jesus throws some cream pies.

Fagit and Morello get stuck in a corner. Fagit accidentally pulls on a gargoyle and they both fall down a hole.

INT. DIAMOND ROOM - LATER

We rejoin them now in a room with hieroglyphics on the walls. Fagit is being fanned by an UGLY FAT GIRL, and Morello sings his one hit song, “You Are the Moonbeam to My Starlight,” to a HOT ARABIC WOMAN.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And Morello sings his patented Top 70 hit—“Meatballs ’N Moonbeams!”

NOTE: Halfway through the song we see Jesus’ Ghost casually hanging out.

MORELLO

(singing)

For you are the moonbeam in my eyeball, the garlic calzone in my-a meatball, I wasn’t nobody til you shone your light on me, Now I can see, that we, will be, in love…

The film “cuts off” suddenly, as if a projector was turned off, because it was, and we CUT TO the guy who turned it off—our BISHOP.

INT. BISHOP’S STUDY

BISHOP

That’s enough of that. Now, when you see this film in your neighborhood you must get the entire parish out for a protest. Notify the radio and television. Get the word out! The more you protest, the more free publicity we can generate. Cinema Cattolica has produced these films for the express purpose of stirring up the rabble! If we can launch Fagit and Morello we already have a series of follow-ups being produced, including Fagit and Morello meet Harriet Tubman, and we have a script for Fagit and Morello Meet the Harriet Tubman Robot. Thank you, this is Bishop John McMurtry saying; “Let’s find something to get peeved off about together.”

(he winks)

NINETEEN FIFTY-BLEVEN

by Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn

Written sometime around 2003

Bob and David walk into a revival theatre. There is a newsreel playing, like an old-time newsreel from the ’50s.

We pull in ON-SCREEN: A graphic for “Movietime News”

NARRATOR

Movietime News presents, “The Year in Review”!

GRAPHIC: “The Year in Review—195 *” (* signifies a symbol that is something between 4 and 5 but not an asterisk as it’s used here.)

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Could this be the last decade featuring the year bleven?

CLOSE ON: A Calendar with the 1950-bleven symbol on it. A human hand reaches in and rips it down.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN

THREE SCIENTISTS talk to a laughing PRESIDENT.

NARRATOR

Scientists have asked the President to do away with the number bleven, the number between seven and eight, because they claim it screws up the deca-something system of counting. The President has agreed…

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME

The President signing an official order.

NARRATOR

… And has signed papers decreeing it so.

EXT. SAME

President speaks at podium.

PRESIDENT

Everything that took place in this past year, or in any year ending with bleven, will heretofore be erased from the history books!

Assembled people clap halfheartedly.

PRESIDENT (CONT’D)

The Army Corps of Engineers will assist all citizens in destroying any trace of this past year.

Applause.

ANGLE ON: A Jewish family outside a department store that has a sign that says, “Wiltons—All are welcome! Jews, Blacks, Women, and Homosexuals aren’t welcome!”

JEWISH MOTHER

(to camera)

Oh well, it wasn’t that great anyways.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET, CIRCA 1950S

PEOPLE dropping off photos and papers from the past year in a Dumpster labeled “BLEVEN THINGS.” ARMY GUARDS stand by the Dumpster.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Good Americans everywhere respond to the call of duty, throwing away their photos, home movies, and diaries of the bleven year. Jimmy here is tossing away his prized 4H Club medal for onion eating.

A KID proudly/sadly shows his 4H Club medal with the year “195-bleven” on it. The ARMY GUARD salutes him.

NARRATOR

Uncle Sam says “Thank you.” Prisoners willingly go back to jail for one more year, happy to contribute. It’s like they never served that time!

EXT. PRISON

Five BLACK MEN file in, getting cuffed by nasty GUARDS while a mean-looking WARDEN, chewing straw and holding a rifle, looks on.

NARRATOR

But this means that all achievements must be forgotten. Achievements in the field of science.

EXT. LAB

SCIENTIST speaks to camera.

SCIENTIST

There were no significant achievements in science this past year to talk about. Just two and they’re easily replaced. Something called “frogurt,” which is a frozen yogurt no one will ever eat because it’s disgusting. And this thing…

Holds up a test tube.

SCIENTIST (CONT’D)

A cure for something called, “aidsies.”

He tosses it into the garbage. Followed by a big sheaf of scientific papers.

EXT. SENATE BUILDING

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Some events to be forgotten include one that most of America would like to forget. I’m speaking of Senator Howell Tankerbell’s notorious blacklist.

INT. SENATE COMMITTEE ROOM

SENATOR TANKERBELL (a comically overstated Southern blowhard), sweating, speaks to a panel of other SENATORS and many news microphones.

SENATOR TANKERBELL

I have in this little book…

He holds up a little black book.

SENATOR TANKERBELL (CONT’D)

… A list of so-called Americans whom I suspect of being black.

Murmurs and brouhaha.

SENATOR TANKERBELL (CONT’D)

Please, let me finish. The only way to truly find out if they are black is to ask them.

CUT TO:

INT. SENATE COMMITTEE ROOM

A sweating, nervous, BLACK WITNESS sits at the testifying table.

SENATOR TANKERBELL (O.C.)

Answer the question! Are you now or have you ever been a black man in America?

BLACK WITNESS

(leaning into microphone)

Yes.

The Gallery murmers as Tankerbell writes.

SENATOR TANKERBELL

Thank you. Next!

We see a LONG LINE OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS waiting to step to the mic.

EXT. NYC STREET, MIDFIFTIES

NARRATOR

And Madison Avenue will have to junk its efforts of the past twelve months and go back to the drawing board. Say good-bye to this fun product.

Cheesy kinescope commercial for “Li’l Cap’n” cigarettes.

A DAD sits reading the paper and smoking a cigarette. TIMMY, a ten-year-old boy, enters and starts to take a cigarette from Dad’s pack. The DAD slaps his hand away.

DAD

Hey there, son, those aren’t for you.

TIMMY

Aww, Dad.

DAD

Here.

He picks up a smaller packet of stubby cigs.

DAD (CONT’D)

Now kids have their own cigerettes. Li’l Cap’ns, they’re an inch shorter, perfect for your tiny, growing lungs.

TIMMY

Thanks, Pop.

They both light up, and Timmy takes a big drag.

INT. FAMILY ROOM

NARRATOR

And even entertainers are getting behind the enforced amnesia… who can forget the Nutz Brothers and their fabulous film Knock Knock, Who’s Scared?! Well, hopefully EVERYONE! Here’s one last glimpse—

INT. HAUNTED MANSION HALLWAY

OFFSCREEN VOICE

Knock knock.

The NUTZ BROTHERS, THREE BROTHERS with identical suits and moustaches, act scared and flop around.

NUTZ BROTHER 1

Whaaaa? Who’s knocking?

NUTZ BROTHER 2

Answer it.

NUTZ BROTHER 1

I ain’t answering it.

OFFSCREEN VOICE

Knock knock.

NUTZ BROTHER 1

Yeeeyeeee. What are we gonna do?

NUTZ BROTHER 2

Let’s answer it together.

NUTZ BROTHERS

Who’s there?

OFFSCREEN VOICE

Mummy.

NUTZ BROTHERS

Mummy who?

OFFSCREEN VOICE

Your mummy, dummies.

They open the door to reveal an actor in a gorilla suit with an apron on, who proceeds to hit both of them over the head with a rolling pin and then shuts the door.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

(chuckling)

Truly the height of all things comedy. As well the war with Canada will also be forgotten.

CUT TO:

EXT. HUGE FIELD

In this field of well-mown grass is ONE WHITE GRAVESTONE with a soldier’s helmet hanging off it.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

A war that lasted over eight hours and left one American infantryman’s dog dead from Canadian measles, a gentle, mild form of measles similar to American measles but… not as good.

SCREEN SPLITS INTO FOUR featuring footage we’ve just seen.

MUSIC: RAH-RAH newsreel clap-trap theme

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Nineteen fifty-bleven, seeya, sayanora, bye-bye, there’ll never be another year quite like ya!

FAMOUS PUSSIES

by Bob Odenkirk and Brian Posehn

Written sometime around 2003

MONTAGE OF STILL IMAGES

Herbert Hoover, any President speaking to a group, Truman, Pearl Harbor before it was bombed.

ANNOUNCER

Everybody talks about Roosevelt’s “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” line, but did you know that it was stolen from Herbert Hoover? Hoover, originally said, “The only thing we have is fear. Fear itself is the only thing we have. And you can take that to the bank!” And then Truman’s “Have no fear, the buck stops here. I’m Superman!” speech, but does anybody remember Truman’s first speech after Pearl Harbor?

INT. STATELY OFFICE

Black-and-white, scratchy newsreel (Super 8), crackly audio, Bob as Truman.

TRUMAN

(a pronounced quiver in his voice)

By now… you’ve all heard… what happened…

(totally breaking down)

Oh, my God…

Holy shit… I am so fucking scared. I mean… oh, dammit… I’m scared. I don’t want to die. I’m scared for me! I… can’t stay here. No good… must…

(yelling)

—Warm up Air Force One!

OS

Uh… we don’t have it yet.

TRUMAN

Well, somebody build one. Now!!

He runs off and we stay on the empty office…

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Or the so-called “great” President Kennedy’s first response to the Cuban missile crisis…

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE

Wavy kinescope recording of presidential press conference.

KENNEDY

(heavy Kennedy accent)

Aahhh… oh shit… aaaahhhh… I’m scared. My brother’s scared. My entire family’s scared. My wife. My girlfriend, we’re all scared. And you should be, too. Arr, uh, I’m going to ask each and every American to stay home until I can get as far away as I can. Then you can, uhh, run, too. Don’t panic. Wait until I am safe, and then it’s every man for himself. (He shits himself.) Oh no. I sharted.

CAMERAMAN (O.C.)

There was no fart to that.

KENNEDY

(trembling)

Ohhhh…

He sucks his thumb and cries. Over this:

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Cowardice has often been the first choice for so-called heroes all through time. Who could forget Lou Gehrig’s famous speech.

EXT. BALLPARK

Black-and-white film, scratchy… David is Lou Gehrig… we catch a snippet of the famous speech…

DAVID

Today I consider myself the luckiest man on Earth…

He carries on, we hear the voiceover.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

… was preceded, before the game, by a speech with a much different tone…

EXT. BALLPARK

Same setting, David as Gehrig is a ball of self-pity and anger.

DAVID

Whyyy? Whyyyyy? I’m famous! I’m good at baseball! Whyyy? (sobs—looking into the stands)

I swear, I wish you had this! If I could rub a lamp and get a wish from a genie and give my disease to every one of you I would do it in a second! I would! I mean, come on, I’m probably better than every person here, you know that…

Cutaways to embarrassed PLAYERS and CROWD MEMBERS IN PERIOD DRESS.

DAVID (CONT’D)

I’m going to touch you… I don’t know if it’s catching, but I hope it is…

David as Lou Gehrig runs around, trying to touch the various BALLPLAYERS, who scatter around the infield.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

The real first words, spoken before the moon walk, before the hatch opened, and we all heard the scripted “giant leap for mankind” thing, were much different before they went into a Hollywood studio and dubbed over them.

INT. SPACE CAPSULE

A futzy TV image, scrolling with snow, glitching in and out, relatively stationary, of an ASTRONAUT (BRIAN POSEHN) with his hand on the door handle, ready to exit. He is breathing heavy, and we hear the following conversation with those famous “audio snow” blips in between talk.

HOUSTON (O.C.)

Are you ready to disembark?

ASTRONAUT

Uh, Houston… no, no, I’m not…

HOUSTON (O.C.)

Is there something wrong?

ASTRONAUT

Houston, yeah, it’s wrong. We shouldn’t be here! It’s against… God! Whose idea was this?!

HOUSTON (O.C.)

This is Houston, could you repeat? Is there a problem?

ASTRONAUT

Yes there’s a problem!! I’m fucking on the moon! Okay, I didn’t know this till I got here, but I’m scared of space! I know it now! There’s probably monsters out there!

HOUSTON (O.C.)

Uh… no, there’s no monsters, over…

ASTRONAUT

(through the roof)

You don’t know! You’re not here! I’m going home, now! MAKE THIS THING BRING ME HOME!!!

HOUSTON (O.C.)

Uh, this mission is not completed.

ASTRONAUT

It is now! I’m gonna scream in your ear until you bring me home! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

HOUSTON

Are you done?

ASTRONAUT

Are you bringin’ me home?

No answer.

ASTRONAUT (CONT’D)

Aaaaahahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Epilogue

Shortly after the fourth (and to some the last) season of Mr. Show with Bob and David finished airing, Bob was questioned by a confused fan at a gas station. “Hey, I thought you guys said you were doing another season? When’s that gonna be on?”

Bob smiled ruefully and said, “We did and it was.”

Our (perhaps only) fan had missed the whole stinkin’ thing! The fourth season had already aired, quietly, secretly, in a dark corner of the cable channel known as HBO, or Home Box Office. A last-minute time slot shift from their vaunted “comedy block,” where it followed The Chris Rock Show, to Mondays at midnight, where it followed Taxicab Confessions, made the fourth season a hidden gem—hidden even from fans who were LOOKING FOR IT. Painful. By the way, if you’re wondering, that tank of gas cost Bob less than twelve cents, and he was able to drive over 4,200 miles on it (this was 1999).

Licking our wounds, we wrote Hooray for America! As we said in the Preface, it’s not the first script in this book, but it is the first we wrote after the death of the TV show. Cinephiles and masturbators alike will note that the “Chow-Chow” character in this script also appears in Run Ronnie Run. “Chow-Chow” is directly inspired by our going to see the film Rumble in the Bronx… which you must see for the spectacle of a poorly dubbed and wheelchair-bound child (subbing for a legitimate English-speaking child) who will tug at your laugh-strings, as well as for the beautiful snowcapped mountains surrounding New York City (New York was busy with a bunch of rapes and murders that week, so Vancouver kindly subbed for NYC). Anyway, we invited the writers of Mr. Show to come in for a read-through of Hooray! Everyone thought it was funny but also agreed, immediately after reading, that the script couldn’t be “our first movie” because it was too inside. And in addition it really required that the viewer be at least somewhat familiar with Bob and David, which, as we discovered from our gas-guzzling friend, was not anything to be counted on.

Thence came Run Ronnie Run. Yeesh.

The whole crew from the show wrote Run Ronnie Run as a “sketch” movie with an intentionally thin “road” story of the British producer taking Ronnie to Hollywood and interacting with a bunch of sketches. Over time, due to New Line’s input and Bob Odenkirk’s bad instincts, that story tried like hell to become more traditional. It failed on most counts.

We (and some of the cast) put together a live tour two and a half years later (2002), which was called Hooray for America! and utilized some aspects of that screenplay.

After all that, we knew we’d made a mistake drifting away from our strengths in sketch and so, despite a screaming lack of interest in our work, we wrote The Bob and David Sketch Movie, or Bob and David Go to Hollywood, or Bob and David Make a Movie, or Six Months of Wasted Effort—you pick your favorite title.

This would have been around 2003, according to the dates on the scripts.

In the very premise and title of Bob and David Make a Movie you can see our brains working on the issue consuming us: how do you get a movie made? More specifically, “How do WE get a movie made?” You are on your own. It felt like a surefire, home-run, steroid-spiked, laff-tastic hit. Hollywood disagreed. So thanks for reading our book! You’re great. You’re our fan? Fuck that, we’re fans of YOU.

Acknowledgments

David would like to acknowledge global warming.

About the Coauthor

As Dictated to the Coauthor’s Wife

Baby, what the fuck? Did you see this? My name’s on the cover, yeah, but it’s half the size of their names, and it’s got a “with” before it, which… what the fuck? What? No, I’m not gonna call them! Fuck that. I mean, my picture’s not even on the back. People know MY name, they don’t even know BOB’S name, they just think he’s “that guy.” They still come up to me ALL THE TIME and say, “I loved you on Mr. Show with Bort and David!” Bort’s not even a real name! Huh? Yeah, turkey tacos are fine, but no cilantro on mine. What was I saying? Oh yeah, this book. No one’s going to read it, it’ll be like this year’s Brief History of Time, people buy it just to look like they’ve got indie cred, but no one cracks the fucking spine even once. But the fucking picture… they didn’t even tell me they were taking their fucking pictures! I know they said they’ll give me my own picture, woman! You always fucking take their side! Yes, you do—why don’t you marry Bob and David if you love them so much, see what kind of weird child they give you—bald little guy with shorts and an angry attitude! What? Are you crying? Honey… I’m, I’m sorry, I get worked up. You’re the greatest. Come on… let me kiss you, come on… what are you writing? Everything I said? Everything? Well, let me see the picture of ME they are planning on using… huh… wow, I look like a real writer. Cool. Knowing them, they’ll probably do something lame like stand near a dirty Hollywood sign. I’m being serious! Wait and see if they don’t. Dicks.

* It doesn’t have to be cinema verité, it can be mockumentary or animation, or it could be a TV show… or anything.

* Pure conjecture on our part, but we can easily see it.

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Contents

Cover

Title Page

Welcome

Dedication

Preface

Introduction: A Brief History and Context of the Scripts Herein

Bob and David Make a Movie

Some Reminiscences, Just for You!

Hooray for America!

“Studio Notes” on “Hooray for America!”

Bonus Sketch Scripts!

Fagit & Morello

Nineteen Fifty-Bleven

Famous Pussies

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

About the Coauthor

Newsletters

Copyright

Copyright

The events and characters in this book are fictitious. Certain real locations and public figures are mentioned, but all other characters and events described in the book are totally imaginary.

Copyright © 2013 by Liberal Jew-Run Media Productions, Inc. and Le Foole, Inc.

Cover design by Stephanie Greenberg

Illustrations copyright © by Mike Mitchell

Cover copyright © 2013 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

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ISBN 978-1-4555-2631-4