Table of Contents

Title Page

"Fifty Shades of Grey"

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapters Seven and Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapters Twelve and Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen

Chapters Eighteen and Nineteen

Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapters Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four

Chapters Twenty-five and Twenty-six

Appendices

Appendix One

Appendix Two

Appendix Three

Your Intrepid Reviewer

About Cassandra Parkin

About Collca

Copyright

Lighter Shades of Grey

A (very) Critical Reader’s Guide to “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Cassandra Parkin

For the best English teacher I ever had

John Bond

Who once wrote the word “coo” in the margin of my essay

and saved me from a lifetime of flowery prose

“Fifty Shades of Grey”

An introduction

“I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe” (Arthur Dent)

As of the time of writing, more than ten million copies of E L James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” have been sold worldwide. By the time you read this, its sales may well have doubled. And by the end of the week, we should be passing through the “Fifty Shades of Grey Event Horizon”, where copies of existing books spontaneously start featuring the phrase “Oh my” at strategic locations, and all covers begin to resemble monochrome close-ups of pieces of men’s clothing.

Even if you feel there’s something wrong with a world where this book will shortly be outselling bread, it’s hard to argue that “Fifty Shades of Grey” isn’t…significant. And a book this…significant…deserves to be subjected to thorough textual analysis. By taking it apart into teeny tiny small little pieces and putting those pieces under a spiteful, mean-spirited microscope, we may all just learn something about the elusive nature of the bestseller.

And at the very least, we’ll all get to spend time enjoyably picking holes in the success of others. And time spent having fun is rarely wasted, I think.

Who is this book for?

Some of us have unashamedly embraced the “Fifty Shades” happening, and are cheerfully recommending it to everyone who will stand still long enough to listen. If you think Christian Grey’s tousled hair and well-hung pants are hotter than the centre of the Earth, this book is for you. Because right now, as you read this sentence, hundreds of people are insulting the book you love. It’s important to be prepared for the kind of arguments they’re likely to put to you.

Some of us like to pretend we’re above it all, but have still got a shameful “Fifty Shades” copy shoved furtively underneath the bed or hidden away on our Kindles. If you’re trying to decide whether you love “Fifty Shades” or hate it, this book is here to help you make up your mind.

Finally, a few of us have braved accusations of elitism and literary snobbery and declared our intention never to read “Fifty Shades” because it’s crap, and have been instantly besieged with people asking how you can possibly KNOW that when you haven’t even READ it, what are you AFRAID of, are you afraid you might LIKE it or something? If you want to be able to pick big giant holes in “Fifty Shades” without having to actually read it, this book is definitely for you.

The “Fifty Shades” plot: Virgin meets Billionaire, does BDSM

When gawky twenty-one-year-old virgin Anastasia Steele is sent to interview gorgeous billionaire Christian Grey for her college newspaper, they find themselves drawn to each other. And when Christian reveals that he is, in his words, “fifty shades of fucked up” and can only enjoy sexual relationships based on submission and control, Ana agrees to explore her boundaries with him and see if they can find a way to make it work.

Ana and Christian then have quite a lot of sex, ranging in style from vanilla to moderately kinky. Despite their best efforts, at the end of the book they decide they are just too different to make it work, leaving them devastated, and also perfectly placed for the sequels, “Fifty Shades Darker” and “Fifty Shades Freed”.

So why are we all buying “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Sometimes, it’s possible to blame the publishing industry, for heavy promotion of books which some of us might not think deserve quite as much attention as they’re getting. Not this time.

Unlike previous summer blockbusters such as “Valley of the Dolls” and “The Da Vinci Code”, “Fifty Shades of Grey” has not been rammed down the throats of an unsuspecting public using a large stick and a vast marketing investment. “Fifty Shades” is a true viral hit, beginning as a self-published e-book from its author’s website before being picked up by a small e-publisher and then finally making the breakthrough to a mahoosive print deal with Doubleday.

Which basically means that - however much we try and act all superior and baffled – we unquestionably did this to ourselves.

Mommy porn

In an attempt to explain the book’s success, some reviewers have spawned the objectionable phrase “Mommy porn”. Their thesis is that none of us women have ever before read or even heard of any form of erotic writing in our entire lives, at all, ever. And that’s why we’re all stockpiling “Fifty Shades” copies in our underwear drawer.

Well, it’s nice to know that book reviewers still lead such naïve cloistered lives that they don’t know how we entertain ourselves when the kids are at school but The Jeremy Kyle Show isn’t on yet. Bless.

“Fifty Shades” and Fan Fiction: the “Twilight” connection

For the uninitiated, Fan Fiction describes non-profit-making works in which authors take characters from existing books, films, TV series or other creative works, and create new stories. Fanfics are posted on vast online sharing sites, so that like-minded souls can enjoy the author’s work. To protect their identities, most Fanfic authors post their work pseudonymously.

The scope of Fan Fictions can vary enormously. Many are simply short stories featuring two characters the author admires, extensively getting it on with each other. At the other end of the spectrum, some Fanfic authors produce novel-length Alternative Universe (AU) stories which keep only a few elements of the original work.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” began life as a “Twilight” Fan Fiction. It was posted under the pen-name Snowqueen Icedragon, which I can assure you is a long way from being the very strangest pseudonym on the site, and was entitled “Master of the Universe”.

“Fifty Shades” readers familiar with “Twilight” will soon notice a number of eerie similarities between Edward and Christian, between Bella and Ana, between Emmett and Elliot, etc. Despite this, there’s really not much mileage in claiming that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is just “Twilight” by another name. The central premise of the “Twilight” saga is “vampire and werewolf in love-triangle with human”, and it has to be said that there are absolutely no vampires or werewolves in “Fifty Shades”.

Also, Stephenie Meyer has publically shared her firm opinion that the two texts exist independently of each other, and it seems only fair that she gets the casting vote.

And before we all start laughing too hard at the notion of grown adults writing a story that once shared cyberspace with Mr Spock and Captain Kirk taking a bath, changing a few names, then turning it into a blockbusting bestseller, let’s just remind ourselves of how many copies of “Fifty Shades” we, as a species, have now bought. Again, people – we have done this to ourselves.

Besides, why on earth would we laugh at the book’s Fanfic origins when there’s so much else to go at…?

Chapter One

In which we meet our protagonists, learn about how businesses work, and look at quite a lot of sandstone

Our first meeting with our heroine

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair – it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal…Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. (p3)

A bad start.

1. In the scheme of things, Ana, bad hair is not a problem. Please try to be less self-absorbed.

2. I seriously doubt that Kate got flu just to spite you.

Anastasia arrives at Christian Grey’s headquarters and takes the elevator

I walk into the enormous – and frankly intimidating – glass, steel and white sandstone lobby. Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me (p4)

[on exiting the elevator:]

I’m in another large lobby – again all glass, steel and white sandstone. I’m confronted by another desk of sandstone and another young blonde woman dressed impeccably in black and white. (p5)

1. Note to E L James. It is not possible to create the impression of luxurious yet understated opulence simply by over-using the word “sandstone”.

2. Note to Ana. Maybe you just got in the lift and forgot to press the button.

Photo: C+H [flickr]

Anastasia waits outside Christian’s office to start the interview

To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. (p6)

Dear E L James,

In literary terms, there is no such thing as a “classic British novel”. There are Romantic novels, picaresque novels, High Victorian novels, epistolary novels, Utopian novels, satirical novels, Condition-of-England novels…but not “classic British novels”.

Therefore, merely by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”, you have entirely undermined the impression you were intending to create by the use of the phrase “classic British novel”.

Anastasia speculates on what Christian Grey will be like

Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned and fair-haired to match the rest of the personnel. (p6)

Dear Ana,

1. A more logical way to estimate his age would be to consider the typical length of time it would take to reach the position of CEO of a multinational conglomerate, make the working assumption that he attended college, then add likely career length to likely graduation age. There is little or no point trying to estimate people’s ages based on the architectural style of the building they happen to be in at the time.

2. Really successful businesspeople almost never hire people on the basis of how much said prospective employees resemble them.

Further speculation on Christian Grey’s hiring practices

Perhaps Mr Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African-American man with short dreads exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes. (p7)

Okay Ana,

1. Between 2% and 4% of the world’s population are naturally blonde. Even if this were legal (which we’ll get to shortly), insisting on all your employees being blonde would create a ridiculously restrictive limit on your available talent pool, as well as making everyone who came across you question your sanity. Since Christian Grey is apparently very successful and well-regarded, the chances of him imposing such a bizarre requirement are small.

2. Please stop speculating if this is legal or not. You have been to college.

3. Your entire theory is based on meeting a total of two employees. This is an absurdly small sample and any conclusions drawn from such an inadequate range are highly likely to be wrong. For example, if I were to judge your entire novel based on the one per cent I’ve read so far, I might accidentally conclude it was written by an idiot.

4. This is the best example of tokenism I have ever seen. You may be eligible for some sort of award.

5. Your statement “I have definitely worn the wrong clothes” implies that briefly sharing physical space with a black man requires some sort of special outfit. Please elaborate.

Anastasia enters Christian’s office

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. (p7)

Hey there E L,

1. We all know that “Fifty Shades” began as a “Twilight” Fan Fiction. We all also know that falling over with no provocation is one of Bella Swan’s most recognisable traits. However, the minute you used the Find / Replace function to convert from Bella Swan to Anastasia Steele, you instantly became free of the constraints of your original genre. Anastasia is not obliged to fall over. You may want to consider this, because…

2. I have been in a lot of meetings in my life, and I have seen a lot of people walk through a lot of doors to get into them. However, I have never, ever, ever seen a grown adult (man or woman) fall over and land face-down on the floor of a meeting-room. And I’m including meetings where half the participants were drunk.

I’m not saying it never happens. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound very plausible, and therefore it sounds dumb.

We get to see what Christian Grey looks like

He’s tall…with unruly dark-copper-coloured hair (p7)

Note to readers: this in itself is not annoying. However, it represents the start of a disconcerting love-affair with Robert Pattinson’s Twilight hairstyle that will shortly become excruciating.

Christian Grey’s office

His office is way too big for just one man. (p8)

That would be because his office is also his meeting room, where he holds his meetings, which involve other people coming into the room and then being in it.

Christian Grey explains the secrets of his business success

“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivise them.” (p10)

Hi there, Christian, nice to meet you. Now listen up:

1. This is not how real people talk.

2. Especially since the idiom you’re actually looking for is “what makes them tick”.

More magnificence from Mr Grey’s Big Book of Business

“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that.” (p10)

Dear Christian,

Talking about yourself in the third person is an inherently weird thing to do. This is true even if you are the Queen of England. The Queen of England is eighty-six and has never had anyone correct her on it. What’s your excuse?

Businesspeople have projects, plans, objectives, goals, proposals, enterprises or ventures. Schemes are for Super-villains.

Even more magnificence

“I make decisions based on logic and facts.”(p10)

Christ almighty, as opposed to what?

This is all from the same unbroken paragraph of direct speech, by the way

“I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.”(p10)

I bet you can also design roller-coasters in under six hours and stare at the sun unblinking.

Christian’s thoughts on how to win friends and influence people

“Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.” (p10)

1. No, I think it’s probably acquired by a whole lot of hard work.

2. If you want to impress a girl (rather than have her run screaming from the room with her coat over her head), then this is really more of a third-date revelation.

Bizarre hiring policies

“I employ over forty thousand people, Miss Steele…If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the telecommunications business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make their mortgage payments after a month or so.”(p10)

Possible explanations for this extraordinary remark:

1. Your entire empire is telecommunications, therefore forty thousand telecoms employees. Your business is so lamentably over-staffed that any buyer could instantly lay off at least half your workforce within a month of purchase with no consequences whatsoever – something which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.

2. Telecommunications represents half of your business empire, and is staffed in proportion. If you were to sell it, the buyer would somehow be able to run it at a profit without needing anyone working for them at all – a point which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.

3. You’re indulging in a spot of dubious grandstanding to impress Anastasia. Therefore, you’re an idiot.

Christian in his spare time

“I’m a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies.”(p11)

Soon he’ll be offering to show her his special gold-plated toilet-paper.

Question: “You invest in manufacturing. Why, specifically?”

Answer: “I like to build things.”(p11)

I laughed so loudly at this that the cat got up and ran out of the room in a panic.

More wisdom on the subject of manufacturing

“I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say?” (p11)

Hi again, Christian,

1. “Investing in manufacturing” is not the same as “making stuff”. Most CEOs are too busy running the company to personally make the stuff the company sells. This is why huge businesses generally employ more than one person.

2. “Manufacturing” is not a synonym for “liking ships”.

“Are you gay, Mr Grey?”

I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? (p13)

Hell if I know, Ana. Maybe you’re related to Ron Burgundy?

Christian’s PA is astounded by a last-minute change to his schedule

“We’re not finished here, Andrea. Please cancel my next meeting.”

Andrea hesitates, gaping at him. She appears lost. (p14)

Photo: Ambient Damage [flickr]

Later that day, Christian asked for a different sort of biscuit with his coffee, and Andrea keeled over and died.

World’s most ill-considered job offer

“We run an excellent internship program here,” he says quietly. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Is he offering me a job? (p15)

Well, Ana, since he doesn’t know who you are, what you’re good at or even what your major is, I sincerely hope he isn’t. That would be the act of an idiot. And I would so hate to think of Christian Grey as an idiot.

Chapter Two

In which we learn more about Anastasia’s family and get to marvel at how very, very literary our heroine is

Anastasia has no self-awareness

No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? (p17)

Yes; finding yourself attracted to a good-looking, age-appropriate billionaire who clearly also fancies you back makes absolutely no sense at all.

Anastasia and the law: round two

As I hit the I-5, I realise I can drive as fast as I want. (p18)

Um, no. No you can’t. You can drive at speeds up to and including the applicable speed limit. Same as always.

Sauce for the goose: Kate’s commentary on Anastasia’s love-life

“You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first,” she snorts. (p21)

Just out of interest, why does no-one ever ask Anastasia if she’s gay?

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

Obligatory clunky intertextuality (1)

I work on my essay on Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Damn, but that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century. (p21)

Yep, she should have been born in our time. These days, we’re totally down with stabbing your lover through the heart because he makes an ill-judged crack about your ex-husband.

Things that are not dreams (1)

That night I dream of dark places, bleak cold white floors, and grey eyes. (p22)

Really? How does that work, then? Are the bleak cold white floors in the dark places? If the places are dark, how can you see the bleak cold whiteness of the bleak cold white floors? Or do you move from one to the other – like, one minute you’re in a dark place, the next minute you’re standing on a bleak cold white floor? And how about the eyes – are they just rolling around loose on the floor, or what?

Fundamental misunderstanding of how home-based businesses work

[My mother] proceeds to tell me about her latest venture into candle-making…I hope she hasn’t mortgaged the house to finance this latest scheme. (p22)

1. Unless she’s actually built a candle-making factory in the back garden, I seriously doubt she will need to mortgage the house to pay for her starter-kit.

2. Very few banks would sign off on a mortgage where the stated purpose was “Start candle-making business. Get rich. Buy island in sunshine. etc.”

Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (2)

Ray is a skilled carpenter and the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. (p23)

1. No, the reason you know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw is because they are absolutely nothing alike.

2. Being able to quote from someone else’s masterpiece does not imply that you yourself are actually clever.

Anastasia the alcoholic

Standing on our doorstep is my good friend José, clutching a bottle of champagne. (p23)

At this point I would just like to flag up that – despite a later claim that she never gets drunk – Anastasia gets through a really quite astonishing quantity of alcohol in this novel.

A poor basis for a friendship

Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we discovered that both Ray and José Senior were in the same army unit together. (p23)

I doubt my dad could pick my friends’ dads out of a police line-up. Does this mean we should cancel our friendships and start hanging out with the children of people our parents went to war and traumatically shot foreigners with?

She has read too many books, and it has addled her brain

Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. (p24)

1. Mr Rochester was sarcastic, mocking and frequently cruel. Mr Darcy was rude and socially awkward. Alec D’Urberville was a rapist, and Angel Clare ran for the hills as soon as he found out he wasn’t marrying a virgin. Heathcliff was a psychopath Exactly which of your ideals and expectations would you say these men have set far too high?

2. Although thinking ahead to who you actually end up falling for…

3. Has anyone, anywhere, ever met anyone, anywhere, who died a virgin and a mad old cat lady solely because they never met anyone who matched up to Mr Darcy?

The mark of the Sue: wilful blindness to another’s obvious devotion

I watch José open the bottle of champagne…José’s pretty hot, but I think he’s finally getting the message: we’re just friends. (p24)

Yeah, when I was a penniless student I used to take bottles of champagne round to my male just-good-friends’ houses for absolutely no reason all the time.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (1)

Saturday at the [DIY] store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to spruce up their homes. (p24)

Ana, after four years of working in the same DIY store, how can it possibly take you by surprise that Saturday is your busiest trading day?

Mr Grey has entered the building

Holy crap. What the hell is he doing here…? I think my mouth has popped open, and I can’t locate my brain or my voice. (p25)

1. Unless you are suffering from a disorder of proprioception, you should be perfectly capable of determining whether your mouth is, or is not, open. Please consider consulting your nearest neurologist.

2. Your vocal cords are stretched across the front of your larynx, as always.

3. Your brain is in the jar where I’m presuming you usually keep it.

Photo: Kazarelth [flickr]

…or something

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel…or something. (p25)

Description 101: if you need to qualify your simile with the phrase “or something”, it probably wasn’t that good of a comparison to start with.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (1)

I shake my head to gather my wits. (p25)

Objective: convey that the heroine is overcome by the presence of her leading man

Unintended consequence: the reader pictures her in the guise of a large wet dog that has just exited a pond

Photo: johnroberts2 [flickr]

Basic anatomy fail (1)

Why is he in Portland? Why is he here at Clayton’s? And from a very tiny, under-used part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. (p26)

1. The word “subconscious” has no scientific meaning, and as such is avoided in academic circles. Using it looks the exact opposite of big or clever.

2. Your medulla oblongata takes care of the boring-but-necessary housekeeping stuff like breathing, heartbeat, temperature regulation, etc. This is, indeed, sometimes referred to as your “Unconscious”.

3. However, it’s worth remembering that your Unconscious is exactly that – unconscious. As such it’s not capable of generating active thought such as “He’s here to see you”, and it’s certainly not possible for you to engage in dialogue with it.

Mr Grey goes shopping for his serial killer supplies

He gazes at the selection of cable ties…What on Earth is he going to do with those?

”Is there anything else?”

“I’d like some masking tape…no, [I'm] not redecorating,” he says quickly then smirks….”And some rope, I think.” (p26)

[Christian to Ana] “What else would you recommend?”

“Coveralls…you wouldn’t want to ruin your clothing.”

“I could always take them off.” (p28)

Yeah, nothing remotely threatening or disturbing here. And I’m sure the guy who came in and bought seventy-five pounds of ammonium nitrate and sixteen detonators was just planning to give his lawn a really, really deep feed this season.

Another one for Anastasia’s collection of slightly stalky just-good-friends

Paul hugs me hard, taking me by surprise…”You’re looking well, Ana, really well.” He grins as he examines me at arm’s length. Then he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder. I shuffle from foot to foot, embarrassed. It’s good to see Paul, but he has always been over-familiar. (p30)

Listen up, Ana. In fact, listen up, everyone. If someone is touching you in a way you don’t like, you have the right to say no.

Please forget about shuffling from foot to foot in embarrassment, and consider kicking him in the nuts with your foot in righteous outrage.

Paul gets dazzled

“Mr Grey,” Paul returns his handshake. “Wait up – not the Christian Grey? Of Grey Enterprises Holding?” Paul goes from surly to awestruck in less than a nanosecond. (p30)

1. Think back to your college days. How many CEOs of major corporations could you name? Yeah, I thought so.

2. Even allowing for the fact that Paul is studying Business Administration at Princeton, “Christian Grey” isn’t that unusual a name. It’s a pretty big leap from “You have the same name of someone who has absolutely no reason to be in my family’s hardware store” to “You are that actual person”.

3. “Grey Enterprises Holdings” is a really stupid name for a business.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (2)

“Would you like a bag?”

…”Please, Anastasia.” His tongue caresses my name, and my heart once again is frantic.

1. In pronouncing the name “Anastasia”, the tongue stays entirely behind the teeth and is not visible at all. In order to accept the premise that Christian is, indeed, caressing Anastasia’s name with his tongue, I am forced to conclude that he is licking her name-badge.

2. On the other hand, I quite like the idea that this is what he’s doing, so I’m tempted to let this one go.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (3)

I spend several minutes staring at the closed door through which he’s just left (p31)

Readers! A little experiment for you to try:

1. Go into a large, crowded DIY store

2. Find a door to stare at

3. Stand in front of this door for at least three minutes with your best catatonic expression. Do not respond to questions

See how long it takes before you’re completely surrounded by concerned passers-by, creeped-out employees, burly security guards, and the Ambulance service.

Chapter Three

In which we get to admire Christian Grey’s hair, and everyone drinks very sophisticated coffee

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (4)

“My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me…I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side.” (p33)

WwHeyhy not try this one in public and see what happens?

Basic anatomy fail (2)

“Ana, you’re the one with the relationship.”

“Relationship?” I squeak at her, my voice rising several octaves. “I barely know the guy.” (p33)

Okay, Ana.

The average human voice has a natural span of about an octave and a half. A trained singer can generally manage between two and three. At four octaves, Freddie Mercury’s range was so exceptional that almost no-one can sing his work the way he sang it.

For your voice to rise “several octaves” (i.e. three or more), you would either have to have a natural speaking voice somewhere in the range of James Earl Jones, or be capable of producing a pitch somewhat beyond the range of normal human hearing.

Things that are not dreams (2)

“I am restless that night, tossing and turning. Dreaming of smoky grey eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places.” (p35)

I especially like the introduction of “coveralls” into this bizarre still-life collection. Sort of like a collision between Grant Wood’s “American Gothic” and an abattoir after dark.

Good hair, pants that hang from hips

He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. (p36)

Dear readers,

1. I refer you to the comment in Chapter One of this book, above. From here on in, Hair References will be coming thick and fast.

2. The other thing Ana really goes for is pants that hang from men’s hips. Mentioned once, this is not annoying. Unfortunately, this is not the last we’ll be seeing of Christian Grey’s well-hung pants.

Social mobility fail

[Kate] shakes [Christian's] hand firmly without batting an eyelid. I remind myself that Kate has been to the best private schools in Washington. Her family has money, and she’s grown up confident and sure of her place in the world. She doesn’t take any crap. I am in awe of her. (p37)

Welcome to America; the land of opportunity. FFS.

Using other people’s over-reactions to add emphasis makes you sound like a moron

“Christian Grey has asked me to go for coffee with him.”

Her mouth pops open. Speechless Kate! I savour the moment. (p39)

1. As an experiment, spend a day telling people mildly surprising things like “I thought I might give up sugar in my tea for a week” or “I have six tattoos” or “I met the Queen once when I was small”. Count the number of times anyone’s mouth pops open. If n > 0, I will humbly retract my objection.

2. Kate has been telling Anastasia for pages and pages and pages that Christian likes her. Therefore, speechless shock is not an appropriate reaction to him acting on this.

3. Unless she knows Anastasia is gay, of course.

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

Coffee shops do not only sell coffee

“I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey…and I hate coffee.” (p40)

Then, Ana, you will just have to stand outside the shop like a dog waiting for its owner while he goes in on his own, won’t you.

In the coffee-shop, Anastasia comes over all sophisticated

“I’ll have…um – English Breakfast tea, bag out.”

“…Okay, bag out tea. Sugar?”

For a moment, I’m stunned, thinking it’s an endearment, but fortunately my subconscious kicks in with pursed lips. No, stupid – do you take sugar?

“No thanks.” I stare down at my knotted fingers. (p41)

1. Since the word “Sugar?” is modified by a high-rising terminal, and you’re in a coffee-shop, this is clearly a contextually-appropriate question rather than an endearment. Interpreting it as anything else makes you look like an idiot.

2. We’ve already covered the impossibility of engaging in meaningful dialogue with your unconscious, so I’ll just refer you back to p42.

3. As any mother but yours would undoubtedly tell you, staring down at your knotted fingers when someone asks you a civilised question makes you look surly and rude.

4. In a post-SATC world, any reference to “tea, bag out” or “bag out tea” is automatically funny.

Good hair, pants that hang from hips (2)

“He’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips…oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm…I’d like to do that.” (p42)

Dear Ms James,

1. There is a limit to the number of times I want or need to be told how well these pants hang from his hips, and we have now exceeded it.

2. While it’s traditional for TwiHarders to venerate Robert Pattinson’s hair, as this book is not officially Not Fan Fiction any more, it’s okay to get rid of this particular trope. In fact, I insist.

Idle speculation about things that normal people already know

“He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.”(p42)

Oh come on.

Photo: TandemRacer [flickr]

Ana’s musings about her cup of tea

“Your thoughts?” he prompts me.

“This is my favourite tea.” My voice is quiet, breathy…he frowns. He knows I’m hiding something. (42)

Or alternatively, he’s reconsidering the wisdom of going for coffee with a woman who, when asked for her thoughts, can muster nothing more significant than “this coffee shop has access to the same brand of teabags I normally favour”. Your pick.

More about Ana’s cup of tea

“I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter…

“I see. Is he your boyfriend?” (p42)

Really, Ana, that’s enough on the subject of this gosh-darn ever-lovin’ cup of -

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a minute.

Did Christian Grey just racially insult José?

Christian eats a muffin (not a metaphor)

Grey…glances down at his blueberry muffin. His long fingers deftly peel back the paper, and I watch, fascinated. (p43)

Let’s hope she never sees him peel an orange. She might never get over the shock.

Twenty-first century etiquette

“Why haven’t you asked me to call you by your first name?” I’m surprised by my audacity. (p44)

See Ana, I don’t know how it works in your part of the world, but round where I live, by the time you’re at the going-to-a-coffee-shop-and-asking-for-each-other’s-thoughts stage, you can pretty much take it for granted that you’re allowed to use each other’s first names.

And I’m British and was therefore born with a stick up my ass.

More twenty-first century etiquette

“The only people who use my given name are my family and a few close friends. That’s the way I like it.” (p44)

Presumably other people just have a special gesture they make that indicates your divine presence.

Christian and Ana are not quite as good as Bogart and Bacall

“Are you an only child?” he asks.

Whoa…he keeps changing direction. (p44)

Whoa…Ana, maybe that’s because you’re acting like you were raised by wolves and have never before encountered this thing we humans call conversation, and he’s flailing desperately around trying to get you off the subject of your cup of tea and into some semblance of normal conversational exchange.

Things that are not romantic

“My mom is wonderful. She’s an incurable romantic. She’s currently on her fourth husband.”

Christian raises his eyebrows in surprise. (p45)

Ana, I think it’s the word “currently” that really undermines your central premise here.

The world’s oddest description

“What’s [your stepfather] like?”

“Ray? He’s…taciturn.” (p45)

Find me one person (other than Will Self) who has ever used the word “taciturn” in everyday conversation. Just one.

Ana the genius

“…it’s England that I’d really like to visit…it’s the home of Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte sisters, Thomas Hardy. I’d like to see the places that inspired those people to write such wonderful books.”

All this talk of literary greats reminds me that I should be studying. (p47)

Yep, one person using the names of authors once totally counts as an in-depth literary conversation.

Chapter Four

In which a celebratory visit to a bar is paid, and Ana loses it in a parking-lot

Thanks to a passing cyclist, Ana is in Christian’s arms for the first time

Kiss me damn it! I implore him, but I can’t move…He’s breathing harder than usual, and I’ve stopped breathing altogether. (p49)

Oh, if only.

Conflict does not occur when everyone is making the same point

What was I thinking? I scold myself. What would Christian Grey want with you? My subconscious mocks me. (p50)

1. Ana, the point of empowering your Subconscious with speech is to allow you to explore opposing viewpoints.

2. Here, both you and your Subconscious are making exactly the same point, i.e. that Christian Grey is a God among insects whose shoes you are not worthy to clean with your tongue. Therefore,

3. All you’ve achieved is to make the inside of your head sound awfully crowded.

Bizarre over-reaction to mildly disappointing turn of events

I lean against the wall and put my head in my hands…unbidden and unwelcome tears pool in my eyes. Why am I crying? I sink to the ground…drawing up my knees, I fold in on myself. I want to make myself as small as possible. (p50)

Okay, E L James:

1. Even in the context of your source material, Bella’s epic four-month sulk when Edward walked out at the start of New Moon was generally considered more than a little bit nuts. Therefore,

2. When Ana hasn’t even had a relationship for Edward / Christian to bail on, a catatonic collapse in a parking-lot makes everyone reading question her mental state.

Ana’s adolescence was just, like, the hardest, hardest thing

I have never been on the receiving end of rejection. Okay…so I was always one of the last to be picked for basketball or volleyball – but I understood that…

Romantically, though, I’ve never put myself out there, ever. A lifetime of insecurity – I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, un-coordinated, my long list of faults goes on. So I have always been the one to rebuff any would-be admirers. (p51)

1. Ana, “being rejected” is not a synonym for “not understanding why it happened”.

2. People who are constantly rebuffing would-be admirers do not get to be insecure about their looks. Please try harder.

Well, at least someone round here’s talking sense

Stop! Stop Now! – My subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration. (p51)

Dear Ana,

1. A metaphor requires you to make a comparison between two seemingly unlike things which actually have something in common. There’s no comparison being made here.

2. From now on, I’m going to start thinking of your “unconscious” as your Common Sense.

The most dispiriting trade-off in the history of romance

“…he’s a little out of my league, Kate,” I say…

”Okay, he’s got more money than you…[but] you’re a total babe,” she interrupts me. (p52)

Oh, Kate. And I thought we were going to be friends.

1. Since Christian Grey apparently has more money than anyone on the planet, presumably the last thing he’s looking for in a relationship is someone with comparable amounts of money. What on earth would be the point?

2. Suggesting that the only way a woman can deserve a rich man is to be unbelievably beautiful is reductive and depressing.

3. In fact, it doesn’t take a whole lot of squinting before that starts to look a lot like prostitution.

4. But if you’re going to insist - physical beauty inevitably deteriorates over time, whereas Christian’s empire is likely to continue growing. Therefore, if you trade off Ana’s good looks against Christian’s money, Ana will become progressively less and less “worthy”, until eventually Christian decides to trade her in for a younger model.

Anastasia the genius

It’s suddenly, blindingly obvious. He’s too gloriously good-looking…His words make sense. He’s not the man for me. This is what he meant, and it makes his rejection easier to accept…almost. I can live with this. I understand. (p53)

Ana, I really wish I could believe you’ve suddenly realised that not being good enough for a man this shallow would actually be something of a lucky escape.

Things that are not dreams (3)

That night, I dream of grey eyes, leafy patterns in milk, and I’m running through dark places with eerie strip lighting, and I don’t know if I’m running toward something or running away from it…it’s just not clear. (p53)

1. Look, the barista just wiggles the jug about as they pour the cream in, okay? You can look it up on YouTube if you like.

2. And if you’re a really special customer, sometimes they pop in a nice juicy grey eyeball for you to find at the bottom.

Photo: KimManleyOrt [flickr]

Novel approach to alcohol poisoning

As I down my fifth [margarita], I know this is not a good idea on top of the champagne…I’d better have a beer. (p56)

Ana, if you want to sober up, drinking more alcohol is rarely a successful strategy.

Ana does drunk-dialling

“Anastasia?” ….how does he know it’s me? (p57)

Christ, I don’t know. How could he possibly guess? I mean, it’s not as if cellphones use technology that lets us programme in people’s names or anything, is it? A total mystery.

The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it

I vow silently that I’ll never ever drink again. (p60)

Just for the record, Ana lasts a whole twenty-four hours before she drinks again.

Photo: Bayhaus [flickr]

And I always ask my hamster for investment advice

Is [Kate] okay? I can see where things are heading for her and [Elliot, Christian’s brother]. I need to do the safe sex lecture. (p64)

Yeah, I get my best sexual-health counselling from clueless virgins who’ve never sustained a relationship and sit rocking in parking-lots when men don’t want to kiss them. They have all the answers.

This is why you should never accept drinks from strangers

…my body [is] no longer able to tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground… (p60)

…[Christian] hands me a very large glass of iced water.

“Drink,” he shouts his order at me…He’s watching me intently. I take a tentative sip.

“All of it,” he shouts…I drink the entire glass. (p63)

It’s so warm in here, so loud, so colourful – too bright. My head begins to swim, oh no…and I can feel the floor coming up to meet my face. (p64)

Okay, Ana, a quick recap:

1. You throw up, thus emptying your stomach and presumably ensuring that at least you can’t get any more drunk than you are. At this stage you’re still able to walk, talk and operate your cellphone.

2. Christian Grey hands you a large glass of what he claims is iced water. He insists you drink it, and stands over you while you do so.

3. Contrary to all expectations, the “iced water” makes you more drunk, to the point where you lose consciousness.

4. Call me nasty and suspicious, but I think he spiked your drink.

Chapter Five

In which a major felony is committed, but no-one seems to notice

To prove a kidnapping in a court of law, the following elements must be present:

- Physical transportation of a person

- Without that person’s consent

- Without legal authority to transport that person

- With intent to pursue some other nefarious objective

America’s Most Wanted

Oh shit. I’m in Christian Grey’s suite. How did I get here? (p65)

Okay Ana, let’s take it you didn’t give consent.

Now you are his prisoner

I’m wearing my t-shirt, bra, and panties. No socks. No jeans. Holy shit. (p65)

So he’s taken you somewhere without your consent, and also stolen your clothes.

Not totally convinced we’re focusing on the right things here

He’s in grey sweat pants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a grey singlet, which is dark with sweat, like his hair. (p65)

Look, Ana, I’m all for seeing the good in situations. But if I’d just woken up in the hotel suite of a strange man who stalked my cellphone and stole my clothes while I was unconscious, then my immediate reaction might be a little bit less about the sweaty hair and the palazzo pants, and a little bit more about the moral outrage and the credible escape plans. Just putting that out there.

Christian the knight in shining armour

“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here.” (p66)

Oh, absolutely. It’s all her fault. And if she had thrown up on your leather upholstery, you would have been totally within your rights to bill her for the cleaning. Dragging her comatose body through the lobby of a major hotel, into the elevator, up to the top floor and then into your suite was definitely the right choice.

Or, you could have left her with her friends – those people who she knows, trusts and was expecting to leave with – and let them take her home. Just an idea.

Christian the gentleman

“Did you undress me?” I whisper.

“Yes.”

…“We didn’t - ?” I whisper, my mouth drying…

“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing.” (p66)

1. Well, that’s good to know, Christian. When you kidnapped a defenceless woman and concealed her in your hotel suite, I was starting to wonder. But as long as you merely stripped her clothes off, stared at her for a while, then presumably went off to the bathroom for a quick five-finger knuckle-shuffle, we’re totally shiny.

2. Just for the record, the term that describes sexual attraction to sleeping or unconscious people is “somnophilia”. “Necrophilia” refers to sexual attraction to corpses.

3. Although personally I think you’re protesting too much.

Christian feels his actions are totally justified

“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you’re developing for the highest bidder,” I snap at him.

“Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet. Secondly, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices, and thirdly, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed…” (p67)

Dear Christian,

1. Technically yes, the technology to track people’s cellphones is available over the internet. However, to install the relevant software without Ana’s knowledge, you must have stolen her phone, installed a tracking app, and deleted the email and text notifications advising her that someone’s now tracking her phone. This is at best immoral, and at worst a federal offence.

2. You can buy practically anything over the internet these days, including stolen music, the services of sex workers, prescription-grade painkillers, soiled panties and the right to take other people’s virginity. Just because something is easy to buy doesn’t mean you ought to buy it.

3. Although I must admit, I sort of like your attempt to claim the moral high ground. In fact, I may use this myself. If I, for example, were to come to your house with a gun and shoot you with it, I like to think my decision not to personally invent and then manufacture my own design of handgun would count in my favour.

4. Just out of interest, Christian – do you often kidnap women who are getting kissed by men who they aren’t really into, just as a precautionary measure in case these men turn out to be rapists?

5. Or are you, perhaps, just desperately thrashing around for a plausible excuse for dragging Ana into your car, driving her across town, dragging her out again, lugging her unconscious form through the parking-lot, into the hotel lobby, past the front desk to the elevator (did the staff help you out, by the way? Did they question your actions at any point? Or did they just sit there like stuffed dummies and watch?) and all the way up to your hotel suite so you could play at Let’s Undress Raggedy Anne, all by yourself in your king-sized bed?

6. Can you tell how much it pisses me off that this is being presented at a romantic gesture? I really hope so. Women of the world, please take note. Kidnapping Is Not Romantic.

Further insight into Christian’s moral philosophy

“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk…I hate to think what could have happened to you.” (p67)

1. “When my women step out of line, I hit them.” Did you just actually express that sentiment out loud and get away with it?

2. Although maybe you have a point here. I mean, Ana could have ended up passing out in front of a ruthless sexual predator, being taken from her friends and carried off to an unknown location before having her clothes and possessions removed and –

Oh wait, hang on a minute.

The Mark of the Beast

One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile…I quite forget what he’s talking about. (p68)

Ana, you’ve just described a textbook example of Superficial Charm; a key attribute used in the diagnosis of psychopathic personalities.

Ana ponders her surprising feeling of safety

He’s the only man who has ever set the blood racing around my body. Yet he so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. (p68)

EITHER:

Christian is a diamond in the rough, a dark knight, an angel with a dirty face. The paradox of your feeling safe and protected, even in a situation of apparent danger, is a sign that you are destined for each other.

OR:

Stockholm syndrome.

Ana wonders why Christian isn’t a rapist as well as a kidnapper

Does he want me? He wouldn’t kiss me last week…What’s he thinking? You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you, Ana. You do the math. (p69)

Okay then, how’s about:

Woman unconscious and unable to give consent

+

Man who has sex with her anyway

=

Rape

+

Unlimited Damages

+

Up To Fifteen Years Jail Time

Maybe Christian’s rationing himself to just one major felony per night?

Even Christian’s minions are creepy

I inspect the bag of jeans. Not only has [Christian’s bodyguard] Taylor brought me jeans and new converse, but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear…what’s more , they fit perfectly…I flush to think of the Buzz-Cut man in some lingerie store buying this for me. (p70)

Does this mean Christian let Taylor come in and have a good old stare at Ana too?

Or did he just take a series of exacting measurements and hand them over?

Photo: aussiegall [flickr]

The Grey brothers hunt in packs

“Crap, Kate,” I croak…

“She knows you’re here and still alive. I just texted Elliot,” he says. (p71)

Hi bro. Howz it goin? Um lk I no I sed no more

but u no how it is rite? Hv kidnapped a girl agen.

Shes still here w me. Need2 work out plan2 get

rid. Mk up sum shit 2 keep her BFF sweet k? Laters C

A problem of your own making

[Christian to Ana]

“I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu…”

“Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food…eat.” (p71)

So, rather than wait five minutes and find out what Ana wanted, you thought you’d just order one of everything off the menu, then stand over her until she somehow forces down every last mouthful.

I can see now why you’re so successful in all that you do.

I hope Ana brought her long spoon

He passes me a small teapot of hot water and on the saucer is a Twinings English Breakfast teabag. Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea. (p71)

Well, technically, Ana, since he’s presented you with a teabag and a teapot full of hot water, a better description here would be that he has absolutely no idea how you like your tea, and has merely assembled a DIY tea-making kit.

Ana’s plans for the future

[Christian to Ana] “You have a place in Seattle already?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“I can’t remember the address.”

He smiles. “So what are you going to do for work in Seattle?” (p73)

I can’t make up my mind what’s more hilarious here; Ana’s coy admission that she can’t remember where she’s supposed to be living from now on, or Christian’s blithe acceptance of this as a reasonable answer.

Because really, a large corporation can never have enough idiots on its payroll

“Have you applied to my company as I suggested?”

“Um…no.”

“And what’s wrong with my company?” (p73)

More to the point, Christian, what’s wrong with you? She just admitted she can’t remember her own address.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (5)

“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.

Oh my. I am completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me. (p73)

Unfortunately, Ana, letting your mouth hang open while you choke on a mouthful of your own drool probably has to be the un-sexiest thing anyone has ever done in front of him.

And with the entire suite to choose from…

[Ana to Christian] “Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him…

“In my bed,” he says. (p76)

Then again, you probably thought you were keeping Ana safe from the Wallpaper People who might have climbed out from the decorations at absolutely any moment.

“Erotic” is not a synonym for “intrusive”

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian Grey’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth…I squirt toothpaste onto it, and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill. (p76)

Things that are good metaphors for oral sex:

- Cucumbers

- Bananas

- Lollipops

- Ice-cubes

- Things on swizzle-sticks

- Any other foodstuff that you either have to suck, or that’s vaguely penis-shaped

Things that are bad metaphors for oral sex:

- Anything involving toothbrushes

And he gave me my very first kiss

Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips…His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down…It’s only just not painful. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my bell. Oh my…he wants me. (p78)

Oh my…he’s getting off on being able to force you to do whatever he wants.

Run, Ana. Run for the hills.

Chapter Six

In which Kate becomes way over-involved in Ana’s date preparation, and Christian introduces Ana to Charlie Tango

A kiss is just a kiss

[Christian] hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend it didn’t happen? (p80)

Oh Ana, you should totally talk about it! Men love it when women want to exhaustively over-analyse brief moments of physical contact. Especially when they’re trying to back out of a tight parking space.

Friends don’t let friends drive horny

Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. (p82)

Because he’s freakin’ driving the car, you moron.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (6)

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me this is what men expect these days. (p85)

1. Ana, unless you’ve been living under a rock your entire life and / or never took gym at school, you should already know Western females shave their legs and underarms, at regular intervals, from early puberty onwards.

2. I can therefore only conclude that “what men expect these days” is the removal of your pubic hair.

In which case:

1. I am now picturing Kate showing you how to give yourself a landing-strip. And not in a good way.

2. Still, I suppose if you routinely let your “friends” boss you around like this, it might explain why you seem to have such a problem with boundaries.

Ana wonders why Kate doesn’t like Christian

For some strange reason, Kate doesn’t trust [Christian], maybe because he’s so stiff and formal. (p85)

EITHER:

Kate doesn’t trust Christian because his manners are unusually decorous

OR:

Kate doesn’t trust Christian because last night in the bar, he kidnapped you, stripped you naked and hid your clothes

Getting crowded in here

After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. (p86)

People now living in Ana’s head:

- Ana

- Ana’s sub-conscious

- Ana’s inner goddess

There will be others along later.

Seriously. There really will.

Things that are not fables

I wonder where the fabled helicopter might be. We’re in a built-up area of the city, and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land. (p86)

Ana, sweetie,

1. Helicopters are real.

2. Therefore, they do not belong in the same class of object as unicorns, minotaurs, blind albino alligators living in the sewers and that woman whose face was impregnated by a spider.

3. The whole point of a helicopter (as opposed to an aeroplane) is that it can take off and land in a relatively small space. That’s why police forces rarely use Police Boeings to track and capture criminals on the run.

Photo: didbygraham [flickr]

Pavlovian Response

He nods curtly to his driver, and we head…straight to a set of elevators. Elevator! (p87)

Just so I know, Ana, are you going to be doing this every time you see something that reminds you of a significant event with Christian? Coffee shop! Teabag! Blonde! Vomit! Leaf! Kidnapper! Tess of the D’Urbervilles!

If it stops raining, it won’t be as wet

I’m glad that the area is floodlit, otherwise I’d find it difficult to see inside the small cockpit. (p88)

And I’m glad the lights are on in my house, otherwise I’d find it really difficult to read these words and then mercilessly mock you when you point out the obvious.

Ana experiences a rare moment of self-preservation

“I’m just going through all the pre-flight checks.” Christian’s disembodied voice is in my ears through the headphones.

“Do you know what you are doing?” I ask. (p88)

No, Ana, I think he’s probably just flicking switches on and off at random to try and impress you, before grabbing the joystick, pressing the “start” button and crashing the sorry-ass pair of you straight to your doom against the nearest mountain.

Welcome to your in-flight briefing

Portland disappears in front of us as we head into US airspace, though my stomach remains firmly in Oregon. Whoa! All the bright lights shrink until they are twinkling sweetly below us. It’s like looking out from inside a fish bowl. Once we’re higher, there really is nothing to see. It’s pitch black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How can he see where we’re going? (p89)

Okay Ana, just a few points:

1. Unless something’s gone quite horribly wrong, the last thing you should be seeing in front of you is a major city.

2. Unless you are flying at something approaching the speed of light, you and your stomach will be remaining in the state of Oregon for at least half an hour.

3. Unless there has been a state-wide power-cut, the lights of the cities and towns below you will not go out just because you happen to be 10,000 feet above them.

4. Unless Christian forgot to put them on, your helicopter will be illuminated by the array of lights attached to its exterior, which you may have noticed if you ever took the trouble to glance up at the night sky when a helicopter flies over.

5. Unless that pre-flight check really was just a massive snow-job, Christian will also be making use of the extensive array of on-board instruments which show him exactly where the helicopter is at all times.

So now you can just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

“Are you impressed?”

“I’m awed, Christian…You’re just so…competent.” (p90)

Awe (n):

- a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might

- a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of a man not actually crashing his helicopter into a mountain.

Ana sees Christian’s living-room for the first time

It’s the main living area, double height. Huge is too small a word for it. (p93)

Then choose another word.

Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (3)

As I sit, I’m struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile. (p95)

Ana, as I read this, I’m struck by the fact that you’ve fundamentally misunderstood the nature of Tess’s relations with Alec. First, he raped her and got her pregnant. Then, when she and her family were destitute, he used her economic vulnerability to coerce her into becoming his mistress.

Still, at least we’re both smiling. So, there’s that.

And then there were three

“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe. (p95)

1. From what vantage point is your subconscious staring at you? Has she now climbed out from the cavernous void between your ears and found a good spot on the sofa to watch from?

2. Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Awe, (n):

- a mixed emotion reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of someone about to do something really quite tremendously stupid.

Conversations that would never happen

“This is a nondisclosure agreement…My lawyer insists on it.” (p95)

INT, SEATTLE, DAY

LAWYER and CHRISTIAN GREY in office. LAWYER appears nervous

LAWYER

Mr Grey, as you’ve now passed a certain undefined threshold of wealthiness, it’s my legal duty to become weirdly intrusive on the subject of your sex life.

CHRISTIAN

Really? That happens to everyone?

LAWYER

Oh yes, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and everyone.

(BEAT)

CHRISTIAN

Um - why?

LAWYER

In case you embarrass the shareholders.

CHRISTIAN

I own the company. I don’t have any shareholders.

LAWYER

Tax reasons. I meant tax reasons.

CHRISTIAN

-

LAWYER

(INTERRUPTING)

So, what are you into?

CHRISTIAN

Um…I like…BDSM?

LAWYER

Ah.

CHRISTIAN

That’s a problem?

LAWYER

That’s a problem.

CHRISTIAN

Sex between consenting adults is a problem? Why? How?

LAWYER

Don’t worry, we can fix this.

CHRISTIAN

Why does it need fixing?

LAWYER

Shhhh. Just get all your future partners to sign this utterly inapplicable and non-binding document.

(HANDS OVER DOCUMENT TO CHRISTIAN)

CHRISTIAN

(LOOKS THROUGH THE DOCUMENT)

A Non-Disclosure Agreement? But aren’t they designed to protect the commercial interests of two contracting business parties who are exchanging information that carries a measurable financial value?

LAWYER

That’s right. In fact, in the context of a personal relationship, this document has no real legal significance at all. You can’t prevent someone from discussing their sex life with anyone they want. Something to do with that annoying constitutional right to free speech. But it’ll help you artificially string out the narrative tension for another few chapters before you finally get down to business. So, will you get all your lovers to sign it?

CHRISTIAN

(SHRUGS)

Whatevs.

Christian and Ana prepare to get down to business

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”

“No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love, I fuck…hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

“You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. (p96)

1. Dear Christian. Just so we’re clear - it doesn’t matter how much paperwork you get Ana to sign, you’re still not allowed to do stuff to her she doesn’t like or want.

2. Also, she can still talk to anyone she wants, about anything she wants, whenever she wants. So you might as well just get over your bad-ass paperwork self and move straight to the Hard Fucking.

3. Dear Ana. Since we’re all dropping F-bombs left and right, can I just point out that there is such a thing as being too unbelievably fucking stupid.

Chapters Seven and Eight

In which Ana explores Christian’s playroom, and Christian explores Ana’s playroom

No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition

…it feels like I’ve time-travelled back to…the Spanish Inquisition.

The first thing I notice is the smell: leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of highly-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs at each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling…from it hand all manner of ropes, chains and shackles…two long, polished, ornately carved poles…hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements.

Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers…In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench…There’s a stout six-foot table in the opposite corner…and two matching stools.

But what dominates the room is the bed. It’s bigger than king size, an ornately carved rococo poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century…there is no bedding…just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end. (p98)

Implements of torture used by the Spanish Inquisition

- Suspension devices consisting of a single attachment point, designed to induce a sensation of pain and suffocation

- Stuffing the victim’s mouth with cloth and pouring water onto it to induce a sensation of drowning

- Wooden frame with rollers and ropes (“the rack”) to stretch people, inducing agonising pain in the joints

Implements of torture rarely used by the Spanish Inquisition

- Suspension devices with multiple attachment points, designed to keep the victim immobile but reasonably comfortable and sexually accessible

- Suspension devices made of luxurious and expensive hardwoods, such as mahogany

- Paddles

- Whips

- Riding crops

- Funny-looking feathery implements

- Polish, especially scented with citrus

- Beds, especially those manufactured in the late nineteenth century

- Chests of drawers (any material)

- Leather benches

- Assorted soft furnishings

- In fact, pretty much anything in this bloody room

If only Ana thought this clearly all the time

I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench…He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me. (p100)

Well, that makes two of us.

What’s in a name?

[Ana to Christian] “You’re a sadist?”

“I’m a Dominant.” (p100)

You’re a twat.

Christian shares his views on how intimate relationships work

“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.”

…“Why would I want to do that?”

“To please me,” he whispers. (p100)

Actually, Ana, the point is to please both of you.

If only one of you is enjoying it, something is seriously wrong.

No wonder the BDSM community is so angry about this book

“I have rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for my pleasure…it’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”

“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”

…”Me,” he says simply. (p101)

Again – this is not how sexual relationships of any kind are supposed to work. The whole point is that both parties are supposed to enjoy the act itself.

Sex is not supposed to be like sitting through a Slasher movie every single night even though you hate them because your partner really, really likes Slasher movies and has no other interests whatsoever, and if you want to do absolutely anything else, like go to dinner or see friends or something, you have to do it on your own, but you lurve him so much you honestly think you’re willing to put up with a lifetime of Slasher movies. Because at some point, you’ll wish he was willing to put in the effort and do something you like for a change, and then he’ll be upset because he told you from the start how it was, and you’ll be upset because you hoped he’d love you enough to change, and you’ll start resenting each other, and it will end in fights and plate-throwing and lawyers and settlements and arguing over who gets to keep the Dobermanns.

I don’t care how good his hair is or how well his pants hang from his hips. These things are important.

Christian may be moving a little fast

[We’re in] a bedroom with a large double bed, all in white…

“This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whatever you like in here.”

“My room? You’re expecting me to move in?” I can’t hide the horror in my voice.

“Not full time. Just, say, Friday evening through Sunday.” (p101)

Although, Ana, to be fair to Christian, it is just possible he’s trying to help you out here. After all, you did claim to have forgotten where you live a few pages ago.

The best Freudian slip I’ve seen in ages

[Christian to Ana] “This is the only sort of relationship I’m interesting in.” (Kindle edition only, p103, location 2931)

Never a truer word…

Ana the literature student is baffled by a metaphor

“Why is anyone the way they are?...Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese? Mrs Jones – my housekeeper – has left this for supper.” He takes some large, white plates from a cupboard…

We’re talking about cheese…Holy crap. (p103)

Well, yes. Yes you are.

Photo: julesjulesjules m [flickr]

Ana considers the option of Dutch courage

“Physically, will you hurt me?”

“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.”

I think I feel a little faint. I take another sip of wine. Alcohol – this will make me brave. (p104)

EITHER:

Alcohol will make Ana braver and more confident

OR

Alcohol will make Ana dumber and less inhibited, causing her to do things she’ll regret in the morning

Christian suddenly experiences an attack of moral scruples

“When you’ve had sex before, was there anything that you didn’t like doing?”

For the first time in what seems to be ages, I blush…

“Well…I’ve not had sex before, so I don’t know.” My voice is small. I peek up at him, and he’s staring at me, mouth-open, frozen, and pale – really pale. (p108)

The Christian Grey Code of Relationship Etiquette

- Installing stalking software on the phone of a woman you’ve met a maximum of twice = okay

- Using stalking software to track woman down when she’s explicitly said she doesn’t want to see you = okay

- Possibly drugging her = okay

- Quite definitely taking her unconscious self to a location she didn’t consent to = okay

- Undressing her without her consent = okay

- Sharing her bed without her consent = okay

- Allowing your henchman sufficient access to her person to reliably purchase well-fitting underwear for her = okay

- Using her obvious interest in you to coerce her into sexual practices she’s clearly unsure about = okay

- But if it turns out she’s not previously had penetrative sex with a man = Suddenly none of this is okay

Christian finds a solution

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

“What do you mean? What situation?”

“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”(p110)

…after which we’ll be going straight back to the coercion and the violence and the Hard Fucking. Because it’s only Not Okay to do these things to virgins.

Christian engages in some pointless sexual bullying

“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”(p115)

Why?

Basic anatomy fail (3)

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity. (p117)

Listen up please Ana,

1. Your hymen (assuming you still have one…thanks to the effects of riding bikes, going horse-riding, using tampons or working out in gym class, quite a lot of us don’t) is part of your vulva. This means it’s right at the entrance of your vagina, not deep inside.

2. “Pinching” implies something being drawn together or squeezed. This is pretty much the opposite of what happens when your hymen tears.

3. Therefore, whatever it is Christian’s done to you, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve him “ripping through your virginity”. Consider seeing a gynaecologist.

4. One final point – plenty of virgins (including absolutely all the male ones) don’t have their hymen, and in a few rare cases, women who have their hymen have long since dispensed with their virginity. Please do not conflate the presence or absence of a small membrane of skin with whether you have or haven’t had sex.

Christian slightly misses the point

“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers. (p118)

No, don’t come for him, Ana. Come for yourself. Your sexual pleasure belongs entirely to you.

Christian tries to work out if Ana had a good time

“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks…

I’m relaxed, deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can’t stop grinning…

“You’re biting your lip, and you haven’t answered me.” He’s frowning. (p118)

Ana, for your own safety – and I cannot emphasise this enough – do not put yourself in a position with this man where it’s important he can reliably tell the difference between “you really enjoying something and wanting it to carry on” and “you being in severe pain and wanting it all to stop”.

These days, it is not actually possible to own another human being

“You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” (p119)

Dear Ana,

1. Christian finding you sexy does not make you “his, only his”.

2. Him putting his penis in you does not make you “his, only his”.

3. You having an orgasm does not make you “his, only his”.

4. You belong to yourself, only yourself.

5. And Christian Grey is insane, completely insane.

Ew

“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.” His thumb pressed on my tongue, and my mouth closes around him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic. (p120)

Ana, I agree with exactly half your assessment. Guess which half.

Christian demonstrates his great concern for Ana’s welfare

“Oh, please,” I beg. I’m not sure I can take much more. My body is wound so tight, craving release.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs. (p121)

Oh, hey, Christian - you know what else is fun? If you wipe your own ass with your fingers and then touch her without washing them, you can probably give her a nasty case of cystitis!

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (7)

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing…He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. (p122)

Note to self: when invited round to Christian’s for drinks, never, ever, ever sit down on the piano stool.

Maybe E L James had exactly the same thought

I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants. (p122)

Oh, okay – that special kind of naked where you’re not actually naked. Good to know.

Pas devant les domestiques

We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets – evidence of my lost virginity…

“Well, that’s going to give Mrs Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters. (p123)

Yeah, Christian, I bet she’ll be absolutely scandalised. Because, in all the time she’s been swilling off the floor and washing the cushion covers and polishing the mahogany in your Red Room of Pain, having vanilla sex in an ordinary bed with a girl who happens to be a virgin is absolutely the worst thing she’s ever seen you do.

Chapter Nine

In which Ana takes a bath, and Kate takes an unnatural interest

A poor understanding of the law

How could anyone look this good and still be legal? I remember his room upstairs…perhaps he’s not legal. (p125)

Oddly enough, Ana, showing off his room containing a polished mahogany cross, a large nineteenth-century bed covered in oxblood leather, a chest of drawers and a collection of funny-looking feathery implements is probably the least illegal thing he’s done to you so far.

Ana’s sedentary lifestyle

Do I look different? I feel different. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles – jeez, it’s like I’ve never done any exercise in my life. (p126)

Well, Ana, since you weren’t allowed to move, some people might say you still haven’t.

Ana finally takes an interest in her personal safety

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard. I take my iPod out of the bag and plug my headphones in. (p126)

1. Hairstyles, however well-chosen, are rarely a successful protection against a determined assailant. If you feel threatened, you may want to consider a Taser, a can of Mace, or using the power of physical movement to transport yourself out of the apartment before he wakes up.

2. On the other hand, you could just plug your iPod in and set the volume to loud. That way, you won’t have to endure the unpleasantness of hearing him creeping up behind you before he slices off your head and puts it in the fridge for a little snack later.

Kate and Ana, sitting in a tree…

[Kate to Ana] “Did you?” She’s fishing for information… “Ana, don’t hold out on me, I’ve been waiting for this day for nearly four years.”

Dear Kate,

1. Since “nearly four years” is exactly the length of time you’ve known each other, that means you found out Ana was a virgin the very first time you met. Do you ask all new acquaintances whether they’ve busted their cherry yet? Or was Ana a special case?

2. Don’t know about you, but I stopped taking an interest in Who’d Had Sex and Who Was Still A Virgin when I was about fifteen. Just saying.

Ana contemplates how she’s going to explain things to Kate

This is going to be one difficult square to circle. She’s so tenacious, and she wants to know – in detail, and I can’t tell her because I’ve signed a – what was it called? NDA. She’ll freak and rightly so. I need a plan. (p131)

Ana,

1. The idiom you’re looking for is “to square the circle”, i.e. to accomplish a seemingly impossible task. Therefore technically, it will be a difficult circle to square.

2. You are under no obligation to tell your weirdly prurient friend anything at all about your sex life.

3. However, if you do want to tell her about how you weren’t allowed to wriggle and Christian made you lick your own blood off his thumb – even if the NDA had any force in law whatsoever (which it doesn’t)…

4. …do you honestly picture a future where Christian Grey takes time out from ruling the universe to stand up in front of a judge and say “She told her best friend we had sex and she promised she wouldn’t and that’s not fa-ir”?

5. Forget the plan - I think the thing you’re actually missing is a Backbone.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (8)

I head back to watch Christian move gracefully around his kitchen.

Photo: Chris-Millett [flickr]

Christian moving gracefully around his kitchen.

Ana circles the square

“The NDA, does it cover everything?” I ask tentatively.

“Why?”…

“Well, I have a few questions, you know, about sex.” I stare down at my fingers. “And I’d like to ask Kate.”(p132)

Seriously. Backbone. Get one.

Bizarre pieces of logic

“Your roommate is making the beast with two backs with my brother. I’d really rather you didn’t.” (p132)

Dear Christian,

1. “Having sex with a man” is not a synonym for “will automatically report every single conversation she has to said man”.

2. But if it’s really worrying you, maybe you could just ask Ana to ask Kate to sign a non-disclosure agreement? Because that would totally work.

Did you really need to ask this?

[Ana to Christian] “Does your family know about your…um, predilection?” (p132)

Christ, does anyone’s family know about their, um, predilections? Imagine discussing that over the Thanksgiving turkey.

Photo: mattprice [flickr]

By any other name

He leans down and kisses me. My heart leaps and desire pools way down low…way down there. (p133)

Dear God Ana,

There are a million words you can use to describe this part of your body. If you want strict biological accuracy, you could talk about your vagina, your genitals or your sex organs. If you feel like getting in touch with your inner Nineteenth Century Woman, you could call it your motte, your mound, your notch or your quim. If you’re feeling cutesy, you could call it your cootchie, your itsy bitsy, your twinkle or your va-j-j (although I’m afraid if you do this, we can no longer be friends). If you’re an Anglophile, you could try your fanny, your tuppence, your fadge or your minge. If you want to feel like a porn star, you could talk about your pussy or your hole. If you’re feeling particularly liberated, you could channel Eve Ensler and call it your cunt.

But please, please, let’s not talk about “down there”. We’re not living in 1862. Feminism has happened. Own your body. All of it.

Christian and Ana take a bath

The bath is a white stone, deep, egg-shaped affair, very designer. (p133)

A bath in the form of a white egg-shaped stone? Sounds very inconvenient.

Tautological tautology

I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked. (p134)

Thanks for clarifying.

Christian makes the introductions

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.” (p135)

1. Dear readers. Does anyone else have fond memories of that sweet, gawky, hugely endearing scene in Judy Blume’s “Forever” where Michael takes Kate’s hand, puts it on his penis, and says simply, “This is Ralph”? Well, maybe this scene is like a cosmic counterbalance to that one.

2. Dear Christian. Since this favorite and most cherished part of your body that you’re very attached to has already paid its inaugural visit to Ana’s Magical Cave of Wonders, it seems a little late to start with the formal introductions.

Have a little faith

It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line…He’s enjoying my astounded expression…That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible. (p135)

Ha! Wait till you give birth.

Ew, ew, ew

He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle. (p137)

Photo: thebittenword.com [flickr]

Not their best-selling line.

Anna finds her inner labrador

“Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

Orgasm! Another one! (p138)

Dog biscuits for dinner! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!

Expanding horizons

“Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.” (p142)

What, like the village of one of those uncontacted tribes or something?

Suffocating parenting in action

[Christian’s mother, overheard talking to Mrs Jones]

“But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian never sleeps in.” (p143)

Dear Mrs Grey,

1. There are many things Christian could be doing in his bedroom that do not necessarily involve either being in bed, or being ill. These include dressing, undressing, lounging around reading the papers, having sex, having solo sex, looking at his hair in the mirror, taking a little nap and staring blankly out of the window.

2. As a trained medical professional like yourself should know, even if he isn’t well, there’s quite a lot of room between “ill enough to be in bed” and “at Death’s door”. Some of us prefer to puke into a basin without an audience.

3. If Christian really is in his late twenties and no longer lives at home, how the hell would you know whether or not he sleeps late occasionally?

An outstanding piece of explanation

[Mrs Jones to Mrs Grey] “Mrs Grey, he’s not alone.”

What do you mean he’s not alone?”

“He has someone with him.” (p143)

Brilliant! This might just beat “I like to build things” from Chapter One.

Chapter Ten

In which Ana meets Christian’s mother and – against all expectation – gets home safely

The world’s most awkward encounter

“Come on, we need to get dressed – that’s if you want to meet my mother.”

…”I have no clean clothes in here.”

…”You can wear something of mine.” (p145)

Or maybe Ana could just go out naked and carrying a huge placard with the words “I FUCKED YOUR SON TILL HIS EYES ROLLED BACK IN HIS HEAD”, written in blood and maybe a little bit of bodily fluids. That would work too.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad

Perhaps meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why Christian is the way he is… (p145)

Things Ana might notice about Christian’s mother that help explain the way he is

EITHER

- Christian’s mother is wearing a leather catsuit

- Christian’s mother makes him crawl around on his hands and knees and bark like a dog

- Christian’s mother makes frequent lascivious references to how much she enjoyed spanking him when he was a little boy

- Christian’s mother has a bible tucked under her arm and a mad gleam in her eye and makes frequent reference to Sinful Fornicators Who Will Burn In Hell

- Christian’s mother insists on wearing Marigolds even though she’s not doing the dishes

OR

- Christian’s mother is a perfectly nice, normal woman who just wants to meet her son’s girlfriend

- Because back in the real world, where the well-rounded grown-ups live, an interest in BDSM says about as much about your mental health and childhood experiences as an interest in philately.

Ana meets Christian’s mother

“What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes. (p145)

I could spend hours thinking of reasons why Christian’s mother might be relieved, but my personal favourite is that she’s thinking, “Well, shit, at least he hasn’t killed this one.”

Continuity fail

“This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what’s involved...you’d be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.

Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop… (p148)

1. Internet! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!

2. Ana, if you need a computer to help you interpret clauses such as “The Submissive will remember to eat, breathe, sleep and not fuck other men” or “The Dominant will not piss on you, light you on fire, or piss on you if you are on fire” then you might want to re-think your ability to live in the real world.

3. Please regale me with your explanation of how you have managed to get through four years at college without your own computer.

4. This is a minor point, but while you’re at it, could you explain how, without having access to a computer of your own, you managed to put any music on that iPod of yours?

Sometimes people think about stuff which has nothing at all to do with the people they work for

“Safe trip, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele.” Taylor looks kindly at me, though perhaps there’s a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his grey eyes.

No doubt he thinks I’ve succumbed to Mr Grey’s dubious sexual habits. (p149)

Could be, Ana. Or maybe he’s thinking about the girl he’s meeting at the bar later. Or how the Mariners will do this season. Or whether he remembered to switch the iron off. Or how his mom got on at the hospital this morning. Or what to have for dinner.

But you’re probably right; he’s almost certainly thinking about you. Because of all the things there are to think about in this world, other peoples’ sex lives are always by far the most fascinating.

A mother’s worst nightmare

“My mother liked you,” he says dryly.

“Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure.

“Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.” (p152)

Oh, Mrs Grey, your son isn’t gay! Good Lord, no! He’s just a sadistic, emotionally-closed man-child with marked sociopathic tendencies whose best approximation of human intimacy is to kidnap women from imaginary dangers so he can tie them up and cane them!

So you can relax. Because at least he’s not in a loving, functioning, mutually satisfying relationship with someone with a Y chromosome.

Photo: BlindGrasshopper [flickr]

Here’s to you, Mrs Robinson

[Christian to Ana] “One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.”

“Oh.” Holy shit that’s young! (p154)

Holy shit that’s child abuse and the statutory rape of a minor! Holy shit that’s another major felony that’s completely failed to raise a blip on your moral radar! Holy shit if I just freakin’ killed someone right in front of you and asked you to help me hide the body, would you call the cops on me or just shrug and reach for the shovel?

Ana and Christian discuss their future together

“Is this what our, err…relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You ordering me around?”

…”Yes, he murmurs…”And what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he adds, his voice low.

I seriously doubt that. (p155)

Then don’t frickin’ do it, you loser. If Christian Grey told you to stick your hand in a blender because according to him you might enjoy it, would you – no, wait, actually you probably would.

Christian Grey, expert in body-language

“I’m glad you can’t read my mind.”

“Your mind, no, Anastasia, but your body – that I’ve got to know quite well since yesterday.” (p157)

Just so we’re clear, Christian - is that before or after the incident when you were unable to distinguish between Ana having an orgasm and Ana in agonising pain?

Ana comes over all flirty

“Oh…by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. (p158)

And somewhere in a parallel universe, Christian Grey gives Ana a coy smile, hoicks up his own waistband, and murmurs, “What a coincidence…”

Again. Spine.

[Kate to Ana] “Well, how was it?...”

…suddenly I feel shy. I blush. It was very private. All of it. Seeing and knowing what Christian has to hide. But I have to give her some details, because she won’t leave me alone until I do. (p158)

No, Ana, you really don’t need to tell her anything at all.

Then again, you didn’t need to let her stand over you in the bath and shave your armpits for you either.

Ana starts hallucinating

My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face…

My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much. (p159)

1. Are your inner goddess and your subconscious aware of each other’s presence? Do you think maybe they discuss you when you’re not there? Do they have special afternoon tea-parties where they put rum in their tea and giggle a lot before passing out in the cream-cakes?

2. The whole point of the NDA is to limit the amount of airtime his sexual predilections receive. Of course he isn’t going to sue, you dimwit.

Ana remembers something important

Moving. Crap – I’d forgotten all about that, even with the packing cases surrounding us. (p160)

That’s okay Ana, you can’t remember where you’re supposed to be moving to anyway.

The world’s luckiest outcome

[Ana to Kate] “Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!”

…“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.” (p161)

Let’s hope you can find them once they’re opened.

Continuity fail

Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope. (p164)

Ana, this moment where you open the envelope containing your and Christian’s proposed contract would have carried so much more tension if you hadn’t already read and extensively discussed the thing, back on page 105.

Chapter Eleven

In which Ana discovers the infinite playground of wonders that is the digital age

When drafting a really iron-clad contract, it’s important to cover all eventualities

4. The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Herpes and Hepatitis. If…either party should be diagnosed with…any such illness he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately.

…Any breach [of this clause] will render [this contract] void with immediate effect. (p166)

“Right! That’s it! You wilfully infected me with a life-limiting disease and so I am cancelling this contract, do you hear me?”

That would totally be the first thing on my mind, too.

Ew ew ew ew ew

15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic and safe state at all times. (p169)

Will he be cleaning it all himself, or is this another job for Mrs Jones the housekeeper?

Twenty-first century woman

Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words…obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that? (p175)

Not since about 1928, love, no.

Ana has a conversation with two people who aren’t even there

You can’t seriously be considering this…My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this…otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company. (p176)

1. Actually, Ana, your subconscious almost always sounds sane and rational. There’s very little she’s said so far that I’d disagree with.

2. “We” can’t possibly end up “alone” since pretty much by definition, being “alone” requires an absence of plurality.

3. Number of people on the planet: 6.8 billion

Number of men on the planet: about 3.4 billion

Number of men you have so far attempted to have a relationship with: 1

Number of men remaining: 3,399,999,999

Amount of sense you are making in concluding that not being Christian’s Submissive will automatically lead to you becoming a lonely old cat-lady: too small to compute

4. And besides what’s so terrible about being a lonely old cat-lady, hey? Hey? Hey?

Am I the only one who thinks Ana might actually be happier with Kate?

Perhaps I should borrow Kate’s pink flannel pyjamas. I want something cuddly and reassuring about me. (p176)

Am I submissive?...I’m shy, yes…but submissive? I let Kate bully me – is that the same? (p176)

Hard to say, really. Does Kate bullying you turn you on? Did you enjoy it when she got in the bath with you and helped you remove your body-hair?

And do you often share nightclothes?

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

Things that are not dreams (4)

I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster beds and shackles and intense grey eyes. (p177)

It’s like you just flicked through a copy of the Agent Provocateur catalogue and cut out some random shapes and stuck them in an album, isn’t it?

How very dare he: the world’s rudest delivery guy

“I have a package for you here, but I have to set it up and show you how to use it.”

“Really? At this time?”

“Only following orders, ma’am.”…

Did he just call me ma’am? Have I aged ten years overnight?...My mouth puckers in disgust. (p177)

Disgusting! How dare he behave in a respectful and courteous manner! What the hell happened to the days when deliverymen turned up in their dirty underwear, threw the parcel at your head, tweaked your left nipple, kicked the cat, cursed out the kids, insulted your husband, spat off your porch and pissed in the mailbox?

Oh come on

“Well, this [MacBook Pro] has full wireless N, and I’ve set it up with your Me account details…”

“Me account?”

“Your new email address.”

I have an email address? (p178)

Ana, at this point I’m starting to wonder if you even have a pulse.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (9)

José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gambolling dark-eyed puppy. (p182)

Awww. Does he leave a little excited puddle on the floor, too?

Teenage kicks

Miss Steele

Stop e-mailing me – and do your assignment.

I’d like to award another A.

The last one was so well deserved. ;)

Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley…oh my. (p184)

Ana’s scale of gestures that tell you someone likes you

- Going for coffee = he probably does this with all the girls

- Taking me for a ride in his helicopter = well, it’s quicker than the freeway

- Having wild dirty sex all over the house = maybe he was just being a good host

- Sending me a winking smiley: OMG I THINK HE MIGHT LIKE ME <3 <3 <3

Chapters Twelve and Thirteen

In which Christian date-rapes Ana, but no-one seems to notice

Ana feels the need for some exercise

For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. (p187)

So in the past, people have been making you run under duress?

Actually, I can believe that.

Ana’s sneakers are nasty even though she never wears them

I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweat pants, and a t-shirt. (p187)

Maybe the Sneaker Gnomes have been borrowing them when you’re not looking.

Or maybe Kate and José try them on sometimes. Because it’s one way for them to get closer to you.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (2)

Kate is walking from her car as I head out of the door. She nearly drops her shopping when she sees me. Ana Steele in sneakers. (p187)

Photo: triplefivechina [flickr]

Photo: giuskalab [flickr]

Oh, I totally see her point.

Bet Ana’s parents are really glad they worked so hard on building that college fund

Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn’t. My research has told me that legally it’s unenforceable. (p187)

No, Ana, you don’t know this because of your research. You know this because of the seventeen years of reasonably high-quality education you’ve received, during which at some point you presumably covered the Abolitionist movement, which made slavery of all kinds illegal.

“No” means “turn up uninvited and try and talk me round”

[Ana to Christian, by email]

Okay, I’ve seen enough.

It was nice knowing you.

Ana. (p188)

I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye…but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway of my bedroom watching me intently. (p189)

So, Christian. All that stuff about “You can walk away at any time and I won’t pressure you” was just a big old lie, then.

In two places at once

“How…?”

He smiles at me.

“I’m still at the Heathman.” (p189)

“…and this thing apparently sitting on your bed is just my holographic avatar.”

Ana is surprised by Christian’s man-about-town knowledge

“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?”

Oh shit. I flush.

“I didn’t think you were familiar with the Bible.” (p190)

Hey Ana, d’you know? I am a flag-bearing, card-carrying, third-generation Atheist who wasn’t even christened. I only go to church for other people’s weddings, I’ve been known to put my iPod on during the sermon, and the whole time I’m in there I’m tormented by the irrational fear that I’ll shrivel away into a little pile of smoking dust.

Nonetheless, even I am somehow aware of the idiom “and Dick knew Jane, fnar fnar”. Amazing.

Christian Grey, date-rapist

“I needed time to think,” I whisper.

…“Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me.” (p191)

Well, I think someone ought to pick up the phone and call the cops, because this is looking perilously like Christian doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.

But then I’m not a fucked-up billionaire or a clueless recently-deflowered virgin, so what the hell would I know?

Ana’s active participation is not required

I take pre-emptive action and launch myself at him… (p191)

He moves so quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard…

His look is triumphant, mixed with relief. (p191 – 192)

Am I the only one who thinks maybe Christian might be a whole lot happier with an alarmingly realistic sex-doll?

Sinister and sinisterer

I know he’s talking to Kate – oh no…he’s practically naked. What’s she going to say. I hear a faint popping sound. What’s that? (p193)

Photo: Theis Kofoed Hjorth [flickr]

Just a thought.

Is this even physically possible?

[Ana is tied to the bedpost by her wrists]

He stares down at me for a moment, measuring my need, then he grabs me suddenly and flips me over. (p195)

…and dislocates your shoulder in the process.

Just in case there was any doubt about exactly how creepy Christian is…

“So, that e-mail was your idea of a joke.”

“Only certain things are funny, Anastasia. I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all.” (p197)

I love that he only bothers to check this after he turns up uninvited, ties her to her bed and has extremely rough sex with her.

Seriously, am I the only one seeing this?

[Kate to Ana] “Why did he turn up today?”

“I sent him an email.”

“Asking him to drop by?”

“No, saying I didn’t want to see him anymore.”

“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.” (p201)

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Genius, (n):

- Exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability

- Exceptional intellectual or creative power applied solely for the purpose of forcing unwilling partners into having sex with you

Straining at a gnat

“He came here to fuck me, that’s all….he uses sex as a weapon.”

“Fucks you into submission?” She shakes her head disapprovingly…

“…Christians’ terminology. He doesn’t do the love thing.”

“I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.”

…Oh Kate…I wish I could tell you everything, everything about this strange, sad, kinky guy, and you could tell me to forget about him. (p201 – 202)

Ana, if Kate’s not flinching at “He uses sex as a weapon”, I seriously doubt that adding on “…and he has a bed padded with oxblood leather” is going to tip her over the edge into telling you to Leave The Bastard.

Ana’s mom is very supportive

My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament which means he’s hobbling around all over the place. Honestly, he’s as accident-prone as I am…my mother has to wait on him hand and sore foot. (p207)

1. Dear Ana’s mom. If your husband is capable of hobbling, then he is capable of fending for himself for a couple of days.

2. Although, fair play to the man – it’s probably fair enough that Bob comes first. After all, his twisted ligament is a once-in-a-lifetime event that represents the culmination of four years of hard work, whereas your daughter graduates from college at least three or four times a year, right?

At work, Ana gets harassed by the boss’s son

Paul is back from Princeton…he follows me round the store all day asking me for a date. It’s annoying. (p212)

Ana, I think you should lawyer up and start suing all these bastards who keep coming onto you at inappropriate moments. Seriously. You’ll make enough to retire on.

Multiple personality disorder?

[Ana’s stepfather’s] quiet fortitude is what I need now, what I miss. Maybe I can channel my Inner Ray for my meeting tomorrow. (p212)

I bet the reason Inner Ray hardly ever shows up is because he can’t stand it when your Inner Goddess starts bustin’ her moves all over the inside of your head.

Ana’s relationship with make-up

I rarely wear make-up – it intimidates me. (p213)

Oh, me too. I was intimidated once by six lipsticks and a mean-looking mascara wand. They took my bag off me and wouldn’t give it back for ages. Then they found my diary and read extracts out loud and laughed at me. It was awful.

Obligatory clunky piece of intertextuality (4)

My…references are all fictional: Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged, Jane Eyre too frightened, and Tess would succumb, just as I have. (p225)

1. Elizabeth Bennett would have torn a strip off Christian and made him totally re-assess his entire approach to life, thus transforming himself into a nice young man who any woman would be delighted to marry. More importantly, if he hadn’t transformed, she wouldn’t have married him anyway, just on the off-chance that somehow it might work out. Because Elizabeth Bennett knew in her bones that there was more to life than a man.

2. Jane Eyre routinely refers to Mr Rochester as “My Master” and actively prefers him to pinch her earlobe and insult her, rather than kiss her gently and tell her she’s beautiful. So I imagine she’d have been rather into all of this.

3. Tess. Was. Raped.

A use for all these people who keep following Ana around

My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes – play this sex god at his own game….what to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck. (p225)

Maybe you could get your inner goddess to hold the albatross for you.

Christian the traffic cop

“Is this [car] roadworthy?” He’s glaring at me now. (p228)

No. That’s why it’s been taking her safely from A to B for the last four years, why Ana has up-to-date tabs and insurance and why the cops haven’t pulled her over and confiscated it.

Chapter Fourteen

In which Ana has a proper / improper dream, then graduates

At last, a real dream

Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited, leather riding crop. He’s wearing old, faded, ripped Levis and that’s all…

…He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release.

Abruptly I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm…what the hell just happened? (p231)

And yet, Ana, when you spent all night dreaming about disembodied eyeballs and foam on top of coffee-cups, you felt it all made total sense.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (3)

I’m in my bedroom alone. How? Why? (p231)

Because you came in here last night and got into bed and went to sleep.

Time for Ana to invest in a tinfoil hat

I sit bolt upright, shocked…wow. It’s morning. (p231)

Argh! Timeslip! You must have been abducted by aliens!

You didn’t know this? Really?

I didn’t know I could dream sex. (p231)

Ana, did you actually go through puberty like the rest of us?

Basic anatomy fail (4)

Unbidden, I recall my dream from this morning, and the muscles in my belly do the delectable clench thing. (p235)

Ana, I sincerely hope that the muscles doing the “delectable clench thing” are actually the ones in your vagina. If your stomach muscles are clenching, you’re suffering from diarrhoea, which is very rarely considered delectable.

We couldn’t be bothered to write this bit

[At Kate and Ana’s graduation. Kate is Valedictorian]

Miss Katherine Kavanagh has taken the stage…She’s so composed and funny, the girls beside me erupt on cue at her first joke. Oh, Katherine Kavanagh, you can deliver a good line. (p236)

I had a really funny joke to go with this observation. I didn’t bother writing it down because my pen was on the other side of the table and I didn’t want to reach that far, but trust me, it was brilliant. You’d have loved it.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (10)

My jaw falls to the floor. (p237)

But if you pick it up real quick and wedge it back on before anyone notices, you might get away with it.

Time and eternity

…it takes just over an hour before I hear my name. (p238)

The ceremony takes another hour. It’s interminable. (p238)

Or maybe it just took two hours.

And I’m so worried about the baggage retrieval system they’ve got at Heathrow

[Christian to Ana] “I’ve been worried about you…you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.” (p239)

Oh Christian. And even the sight of her sitting safely with all the other students wasn’t enough to reassure you…sucks to be you, huh.

Meet the parents, round two

[Ana to Christian] “Introduce you to my dad as what? ‘This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship’?” (p240)

According to Emily Post, Ana - when introducing your significant other, it’s rarely considered good form to specify either the precise circumstances of your own prior sexual history, or the exact kind of sex you’ve been having.

A more gracious way to handle the situation is to simply say “Ray, this is my friend Christian, Christian, this is my stepdad Ray”, and leave everyone else to fill in the blanks.

It’s just possible there is more than one drink available at this venue

Ray hands me a glass of champagne or cheap fizzy wine, I suspect. It’s not chilled, and it tastes sweet. My thoughts turn to Christian…he won’t like this. (p241)

Well, he’ll be shrivelling up with thirst later, then, won’t he.

For the space of one line of dialogue, this book becomes good

“So how long have you kids known each other?” Ray looks impassively from Christian to me. (p242)

Okay, E L James, that’s a genuinely great line. Dry, deadpan, contextually appropriate.

Ray, I think I might actually love you a little bit.

….and we’re back in the room

“We met when Anastasia came to interview me for the student magazine.”

“Didn’t know you worked on the student magazine, Ana.” Ray’s voice is a quiet admonishment, revealing his irritation. Shit. (p243)

Okay, E L James, maybe I don’t love Ray after all.

Also, I need to call my dad, like, right now. I just realised that in my regular debrief of all my movements for the last seven days, I forgot to tell him that Tuesday at 1pm, I went to the shop to buy eggs.

And while we’re at it, the word you’re looking for is “admonition”.

Conversations that would never happen (2)

Ray raises his eyebrows and smiles…and off [Ray and Christian] go, talking fish. (p243)

“Oh hey, you know what fish are great? Trout.”

“Trout! Get outta town, I freakin’ love trout!”

“They’re so freakin’ cool, man. Gotta love trout.”

“And you know what else? Catfish.”

“Catfish! Man they’re so great, aren’t they?”

“You know it, pal…”

“Oh hey – this one time, at band-camp, there was this totally great fish – wait for it – it was a salmon!”

“Oh, man, I love salmon! They’re so awesome, aren’t they? Hey, I tell you what fish I really can’t stand, though.”

“Hit me with it, bro.”

“Sunfish. Am I right or am I right?”

“Oh yeah, you’re totally right. Sunfish are for losers…”

Photo: malias [flickr]

Just because you’re paranoid…

What have they been discussing apart from fish? (p244)

Oh, how much they both enjoy inflicting physical and emotional pain on you, I should think, Ana. There’s really no other possibility.

An unusual filter through which to view the world

“Well, any man who likes and knows his fly-fishing is okay with me.” (p246)

Ray, I am beginning to see why your wife left you.

I wonder if Kate knows anything about fly-fishing?

Chapter Fifteen

Emotional Abuse 101: a practitioner’s master-class from Mr Christian Grey

Emotional abuse typically takes one of three basic forms, with many abusers employing all three strategies to achieve their ends:

Aggressing – Direct forms can include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Indirect forms (often disguised as “helping”) often include an underlying judgmental view of “I know best”.

Denying – this includes Invalidating (a refusal to acknowledge reality), Withholding (refusal to communicate, refusal to listen, emotional withdrawal) and Countering (a denial of any viewpoints of feelings which differ from the abuser’s own). This strategy is often known as Gaslighting, after the iconic Ingrid Bergman film in which a woman is convinced of her own (non-existent) madness by an emotionally abusive husband.

Minimising – this less extreme form of denial undermines the victim’s emotional experiences or reactions by suggesting the victim is “too sensitive” or “blowing things out of proportion”. This encourages the victim to believe their own perceptions and emotions are unreliable, and to accept the abuser’s view as the correct one.

Ana shares her knowledge of American wildlife

I head into the kitchen. Nervous, butterflies flooding my stomach, it’s like having a panther or mountain lion all unpredictable and predatory in my living room. (p250)

1. Ana, since butterflies are not made out of liquid, it’s not possible for them to “flood” your stomach.

2. In the context of American wildlife, “panther” and “mountain lion” both describe the same species - Puma Concolor. So you’ve basically just said, “It’s like having a panther or a panther in my living room”.

3. Big cats are actually pretty predictable creatures. If they’re hungry, they’ll eat you. If they’re pissed off at you, they’ll attack you. If they’re scared, they’ll run away from you. If they’re bored, they’ll ignore you. I guess you could say they have a limited emotional range.

4. Your last sentence is missing a pronoun.

5. And might also benefit from either being separated into two sentences, or from the insertion of a semi-colon.

Christian gives Ana some advice

“Don’t think, Anastasia. Not about this.” His tone is quiet and serious.

How can I not think? (p251)

Hey Ana, don’t beat yourself up. You’ve done a decent job of it so far.

Strategy one: countering

“[You buying me things] makes me feel cheap,” I murmur.

Christian runs his hand through his hair, exasperated.

“It shouldn’t. You’re over-thinking it, Anastasia. Don’t place some vague moral judgement on yourself based on what others might think.” (p252)

1. Actually, Christian, Ana isn’t “over-thinking” anything. “Over-thinking” means reaching an erroneous conclusion that runs counter to gut instinct. In fact, her gut instinct about you buying her $14,000 first editions of “Tess of the d’Urbervilles” has always been “Hell, no”.

2. Ana isn’t expressing an opinion she thinks other people might hold; she’s expressing a feeling she herself has. The clue to this is in her sentence construction, where she uses the clause “It makes me feel” rather than “Other people might think”.

Strategy two: aggressing

[Christian to Ana] “So what are you doing about work in Seattle?”

…“I have interviews for a couple of intern places.”

“You were going to tell me this when?” (p254)

Maybe it would just be easier all round if Ana kept a minute-by-minute log of everything that happened to her during the day, then emailed it to both Ray and Christian shortly before going to sleep.

It is better to give than to receive

“Anal intercourse can be very pleasurable, trust me….”

I blink up at him. How does he know it’s pleasurable?

“Have you done that?” I whisper.

“Yes.” (p256)

1. Christian, as ER nurses everywhere know, men can get pleasure out of sticking their erect penises into pretty much anything, including vacuum hoses, steel benches, milk bottles, narrow-necked vases and electric sanders. This does not automatically mean the vacuum hoses, benches, bottles, vases or sanders are having an equally good time.

2. And if by “yes” you mean “yes, I have been on the receiving end of anal sex”, please remember that up your ass is the quickest route to your prostate, and pressure on the prostate can bring many men to orgasm. Sadly this is highly unlikely to work for Ana.

3. I’m not saying she won’t enjoy it. I’m just saying that you can’t possibly use your own pleasurable experiences to predict whether or not she’s going to like it.

4. Also: Strategies Two (countering) and Three (minimising)

Anna, your inner goddess is disgusting

“And…swallowing semen. Well, you get an A in that.”

I flush, and my inner goddess smacks her lips together, glowing with pride. (p256)

Maybe you could get him to save some in a jar so your inner goddess can have it on her toast in the mornings.

Christian Grey, emotional abuser, really gets down to business

“Look, earlier today, you were talking about wanting more…I’m willing to try. Maybe one night a week…[but] I have one condition.”

He’s bought me a damned car, brand-new by the looks of it. Jeez…I’ve had enough trouble with the books…the overriding emotion is anger. (p260 – 261)

The Christian Grey translator:

“To make you do what I want, I will offer you a brief pretence at emotional closeness. However, I don’t want to actually have to deliver on this. So I’ll start by saying it might not work, which gives me an excuse to stop trying almost immediately. And in return, you have to compromise on something you’ve already expressed a profound unhappiness about.”

Seriously. This is textbook stuff

“Anastasia, that Beetle of yours is old and frankly dangerous. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you when it’s so easy for me to make it right.” (p261)

“I can see you’re going to be difficult, so I will disguise my basic motivation (to control all aspects of your life) as anxiety to protect you.”

Every trick in the book

“I mentioned it to your stepfather. He was all for it.” (p261)

“Let’s invoke an authority-figure to persuade you that I’m right and you’re wrong. Did I speak to Ray? Doesn’t matter; I’ll still say I did, and you probably won’t check.”

This could be, like, a teaching text or something

“It’s a gift, Anastasia. Can’t you just say thank you?” (p262)

“I’ll now imply you’re being rude and ungrateful, making you feel as though you’re in the wrong.”

Someone please buy Ana a copy of “Why does he do that?” by Shirley Golden

“But you know it’s too much.”

“Not to me it isn’t, not for my peace of mind.” (p262)

“Let’s pile on some more pressure. How dare you be so thoughtless towards my feelings, making me worry about you when all you have to do to make me happy is to sacrifice a deeply-felt principle?”

And it just keeps coming

“It’s taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking car,” he growls. “Now, let’s get you inside and naked.” (p262)

“Now I’m going to conflate anger with sex, thus setting up in your mind a sinister association between ‘he’s getting violent’ with ‘because he really cares’.”

Anyone else feeling a little bit sick?

Boy, he’s angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight into my bedroom…no passing go…

“Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper…”I’m sorry about the car and the books.” I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. “You scare me when you’re angry,” I breathe, staring at him. (p262)

“I’ve now got exactly what I want. Ana has gone from righteous anger to terrified appeasement. She’s scared of me. Excellent. I’ve learned exactly which buttons to push to get her to do whatever I want, and Ana’s learned that bad things will happen to her if she argues with me.”

The Finale…

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. When he opens them, his expression has softened fractionally. He takes a deep breath and swallows.

“Turn around,” he whispers. “I want to get you out of that dress.”

Another mercurical mood swing; it’s so hard to keep up. (p263)

“Having shown Ana how I react when she’s assertive, articulate and strong, I’ll now show her how I react when she’s meek, abject and pleading. I won’t show remorse, because I never feel it. Instead I’ll suggest that she’s been graciously forgiven for being out of line. Hopefully next time, she’ll just do what I say in the first place and stop being so fucking independent all the time.”

…and the Coda

“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper.

“I had a very tough introduction to life. I don’t want to burden you with the details.” (p269)

“And just so she doesn’t get any ideas about me needing to improve my behaviour, I’ll engage her sympathies. I had a rotten childhood, so I get to be as awful as I want. Feel sorry for me. Or I’ll hit you.”

Let’s be serious for a moment. If any of this rings a terrifying bell for you, please get in touch with your local Women’s Aid organisation for advice. The numbers are usually programmed not to show up on your phone bill, so he’ll never know you called.

There’s a way out of relationships like this. Always.

Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen

That was awful, wasn’t it? Let’s get back to the funny

You know, lots of people just collect stamps

“You’ve had six orgasms so far, and all of them belong to me,” he boasts. (p270)

Tell me, Christian. How, exactly, do Ana’s orgasms belong to you? Do you find them on the bed after you’ve finished? Do you wrap them up in your handkerchief? Do you keep them in a drawer? Are you going to make cufflinks out of them? Do you show them to your mother?

Well, at least he’s honest

[Ana to Christian] “You’d kidnap me?”

“Oh yes.” He grins. (p272)

Oh, Ana, you loser, he already kidnapped you, back at the end of Chapter Four! Keep up.

A serial killer in the making

“So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through [that you enjoy]?”

“A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you are mine to do with as I see fit – ultimate control over someone else. And it turns me on. Big time.” (p288)

Next time you’re round at Christian’s place, Ana, will you do me a favour and check his cupboards? And if you find some Fava beans and a nice Chianti, make your excuses and leave quietly.

Things that are not dreams (5)

The candle-flame is too hot. It flickers and dances in the over-warm breeze, a breeze that brings no respite from the heat. Soft gossamer wings flutter to and fro in the dark, sprinkling dusty scales in the circle of light. I’m struggling to resist, but I’m drawn. And then it’s so bright, and I am flying too close to the sun, dazzled by the light, fried and melting from the heat, weary in my endeavours to stay airborne. I am so warm. The heat…it’s stifling, overpowering. It wakes me. (p290)

So it’s bright, and hot, and bright, and bright, and hot, and hot, and dark even though there’s a candle, and bright, and bright, and bright, and bright, and hot, and hot, and hot, and you’re tired, and hot, and hot, and hot, and hot. And then you woke up.

Good to know.

Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (5)

“So you felt demeaned, debased, abused and assaulted – how very Tess Durbeyfield of you.” (p293)

Oh, for the love of –

TESS. WAS. RAPED.

Once you find a boyfriend, everyone else in your life is pretty much just taking up space, to be honest

At four, Mr and Mrs Clayton gather all the other employees in the shop, and…present me with a check for three hundred dollars. In that moment, three weeks of exams, graduation, intense, fucked-up billionaires, deflowering, hard and soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides, and the fact that I will move tomorrow, all well up inside me. Amazingly, I hold myself together. My subconscious is in awe. (p300)

1. It might have been nicer if you’d taken the time to let four years of working together, sharing breaks, laughing at horrible customers, coping with busy Saturdays, being a valued member of a team, the occasional fun night out together, workplace cameraderie and the knowledge that you’ll almost certainly never again see most of these people who’ve been a part of your life for so long well up inside of you. But hey, you’re in love. That totally gets you off the hook for being a huge self-centred pig.

2. Ana’s alternative Dictionary

awe (n)

- a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of another’s astounding failure to be moved by the generosity of friends

Do. Or do not. There is no try.

[Christian’s brother Elliot installs the TV in Kate and Ana’s new place]

He grins a wide white-toothed smile at Kate, and she almost literally dissolves into the couch. (p306)

Grrr. You can’t “almost literally” do something any more than you can be “a little bit pregnant”.

It sounds just awful

The apartment [bought by Kate’s father] is not large, but it’s big enough, three bedrooms and a large living space… (p307)

So that’s one bedroom for Kate, one bedroom for you and one bedroom for your huge sense of over-entitlement.

But hey, he sent us alcohol, so that makes it all okay!

[Kate to Ana] “Did you give [Christian] our address?”

“No, but stalking is one of his specialties.”…

Kate’s brow knits further.

“Somehow I’m not surprised. He worries me, Ana. At least it’s a good champagne and it’s chilled.” (p308)

1. Kate, “has good taste in champagne” is not a synonym for “is a safe and trustworthy person to invite into your life”.

2. Just for the record – the reason why Ana didn’t give Christian your new address is because she couldn’t remember it.

3. And that will never, ever, ever stop cracking my shit up as long as I live.

Ana gets superpowers

I can drive the Audi in high-heels! (p310)

OMG! You go, girlfriend!

Can you also leap tall buildings in a single bound?

Ana and Christian make the papers

He hands me the Seattle Times. On page eight, there’s a photograph of the two of us together at the graduation ceremony. Holy crap. I’m in the paper.

And not beneath a headline reading “STEELE KIDNAP: POLICE FIND BODY”! Not the way I would have bet, to be honest.

Ana briefly toys with becoming a reptile

My heated blood cools. (p312)

Don’t worry, Christian. Just pop her under the heat-lamp for ten minutes and she’ll perk right up.

You might want to consider checking this woman’s credentials

Dr Greene is tall, blonde and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I’m reminded of the women who work in Christian’s office. She’s like an identikit model – another Stepford blonde. (p314)

You know, Ana, maybe he just paid one of the women from his office to turn up and act convincing. I mean, has this woman who Christian claims is a gynaecologist shown you her qualifications? Are you sure he’s not watching from the closet?

Chapters Eighteen and Nineteen

Slot A into B. In and out; Lather, rinse, repeat

See, I just said that in a moment of idle speculation, but…

[Dr Greene to Christian] “Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”

Christian is taken aback – as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say. (p315)

Could that be because she isn’t a real doctor?

Photo: Janz Images [flickr]

What kind of a man are you?

No man is an island, I muse – except perhaps Christian Grey. (316)

Island, (n): A land mass, especially one smaller than a continent, entirely surrounded by water

No, I’m fairly sure he isn’t an island either.

Christian acting with due respect and regard for Ana’s needs, her limits and her mental well-being

[Christian to Ana] “And I haven’t finished with you yet.”

Not finished with me yet. Holy Moses. There’s no way I can do any more. I am utterly spent and fighting an overwhelming desire to sleep. (p325)

Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure Mr Sensitive here will notice immediately that you’re exhausted. After all, he was the one fussing about the contract, right?

Or…or maybe not

I’m shaky and very ,very tired, monumentally confused….my eyelids start to droop.

“Boring you, am I, Miss Steele?” (p326)

Having due regard for her needs and limits are you, Mr Grey?

You are? Right, fine, carry on.

Could Ana be any slower on the uptake?

Jeez…the cable ties. Restocking at Clayton’s! It all becomes clear. (p327)

Ana, I bet you were you surprised when the ship sank in “Titanic” as well.

When worlds collide

Holy cow, I am meeting his folks! [Christian] just worked me over with a riding crop and tied me up using a cable tie which I sold him, for heaven’s sake – and I’m going to meet his parents. (p331)

Holy cow Ana, you really have to understand that Christian’s parents do not need, want or have the ability to know what sort of sex you have recently had with their son.

Besides, how the hell do you know they haven’t spent the afternoon getting busy with the riding-crop and the cable-ties?

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (4)

I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. (p332)

So, what - you normally just keep it on when you shower, or something?

A problem with a simple solution

I realise [Christian’s] done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he’ll either say yes or no. (p332)

Word to the wise, Ana; when civilised people come to stay with their boyfriend for the weekend, they bring a change of panties with them.

Ana is such a naughty girl

In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like a fun, teasing idea. Now I’m almost outside with no panties! (p334)

Ana, as I’m sure a fine student of the past like yourself will know, panties (in the sense of garments that covered a woman’s genitals) were not routinely worn by women until the late nineteenth century. Which means that Lizzie Bennett, Jane Eyre and Tess Durbeyfield probably all went outside with No Panties all the time.

The homunculus argument

My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part. (p335)

Ana, since your “inner goddess” is technically not a separate entity in her own right, it seems unlikely that she has a brain of her own.

Although thinking about it, that might explain what happened to yours.

Let’s not all go jumping to premature conclusions

I hear a screech from within the house…[Mia, Christian’s little sister] comes barrelling down the hall, raven haired, tall and curvaceous. She’s about my age.

“Anastasia! I’ve heard so much about you.” She hugs me hard.

Holy cow. I can’t help but smile at her boundless enthusiasm. (p337)

1. Mia, your mother has spent about forty-eight seconds in Ana’s company.

2. And Christian has this whole thing about The First Rule Of Fucking Someone Is, You Don’t Talk About Fucking Them.

3. So I seriously doubt anyone’s told you any more than “oh, and also there’s this chick Ana who Christian hasn’t managed to kill yet”.

4. Ana, on a similar note, the only thing you’ve seen Mia do so far is come down the hall and greet you. It’s a bit early to be making judgements about Boundless Enthusiasm.

5. So, in the spirit of not rushing into anything – E L James, I’m going to ignore the fact that Mia’s behaviour sounds like the way my kids (aged nine and six) greet their grandparents, and not form any conclusions about whether you’re qualified to write about adults.

Although that’s a position that’s getting increasingly hard to sustain

[Mia] drags me into the large vestibule.

“He’s never brought a girl home before,” says Mia, dark eyes bright with excitement…

”Mia, calm down,” Grace admonishes softly…

We all turn and head into the living-room. Mia has not let go of my hand. (p337)

E L James, you do know that grown adults don’t usually need their parents to titrate their behaviour on social occasions, or hold the hands of strangers, right?

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (5)

“Drinks?” Mr Grey seems to recover himself. “Prosecco?”

“Please,” Christian and I speak in unison.

Oh…this is beyond weird. Mia claps her hands.

“You’ve even saying the same things. I’ll get them.” She scoots out of the room. (p338)

1. Dear Mia. There are really only two answers to the question “Would you like some of this drink?” and these answers are, “Yes please” and “No thank you”. Since the question was addressed to Ana and Christian, there’s absolutely nothing weird about them both making the same reply.

2. Dear E L James. Speaking from experience, Mia’s behaviour actually sounds a lot like an adult with Down’s syndrome.

3. If Mia really does have Down’s syndrome and you’ve just casually dropped her into the story and not made it into a thing, I’ll happily admit there is at least one seriously cool thing about your book.

4. However, if you’ve written a character whose behaviour is just a shameful parody of some of the symptoms of a lifelong disability…well, congratulations. You must be very proud.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (6)

“I’m thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,” I reply.

Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times… (p339)

See, that’s the kind of expression I expect to see on a cow looking over a hedge.

Photo: O’hAodha [flickr]

An insight into the Greys’ domestic arrangements

Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. (p341)

1. Why is Grace carrying just two plates and someone else carrying all the rest?

2. And who requires their staff to dress like Alice In Slutland?

Mais c’est trop drôle! Vous parlez Franҫais!

Mia regales us with her exploits in Paris, lapsing at one point into fluent French. We all stare at her, and she stares back, until Christian tells her in equally fluent French what she’s done, whereupon she bursts into fits of giggles. She has a very infectious laugh and soon we’re all in stitches. (p344)

Now I know what you consider funny, E L James, I’m sort of relieved you didn’t treat us to Kate’s brilliant repartee in her Valedictorian speech.

Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One

In which Ana and Christian combine business with pleasure

Christian takes Ana to the boathouse

He pauses at the doorway and touches another switch – halogens this time, they are softer, on a dimmer – and we’re in an attic room with sloping ceilings. It’s decorated with a nautical New England theme: navy blues and creams with a dash of red. The furnishings are sparse, just a couple of couches are all I can see.

Christian sets me on my feet on the wooden floor. I don’t have time to examine my surroundings – my eyes can’t leave him. (p347)

Also, you already examined and extensively described your surroundings.

His pulse never got above eighty-five…

His tongue and my tongue twist and turn together, consuming each other. He tastes divine. (p348)

Ohboyohboyohboy, cannibalism! My favourite!

Ana and Christian in the car on the way home

We’re coming near to the edge of the bridge, and the road is once more bathed in the neon light of the street lamps so his face is intermittently in the light and the dark. And it’s such a fitting metaphor. This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero, a brave shining white knight – or the dark knight as he said. He’s not a hero; he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. (p355)

Okay, Ana:

1. A metaphor requires you to describe one thing by comparing it to another, superficially dis-similar, thing. “Christian Grey is sometimes light and sometimes dark, like the way he is now actually looking sometimes light and sometimes dark” is really more of a concrete illustration of an abstract idea.

2. Also, you appear to be dating Batman.

Christian speculates on the nature of consent

“Do you think that for once I should play hard to get?”…

“Well…the door’s closed. Not sure how you’re going to avoid me,” he says sardonically. “I think it’s a done deal.” (p358)

Christian, “Ana is in the same room as you behind a closed door” is not a synonym for “Ana consents to have sex with you”. She is allowed to withdraw consent at any time.

I am never, ever, ever having Ana over to my place

I shake my head, resigned, and grasp Christian’s toothbrush. (p360)

Seriously. Who remembers to pack a nice frock to meet the parents in, but forgets clean panties and a toothbrush?

Photo: Pip R Lagenta [flickr]

Christian’s mysterious past

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Holy fuck…what does that mean? (p367)

Well, I think he means that the woman who brought him into this world was a crack whore, and he thinks it’s time to go to sleep. But I could be wrong.

Christian doing some business

“Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested, Ros. We’re not carrying dead weight…I don’t need any more lame excuses…Have Marco call me, it’s shit or bust time…” (p370)

Dear Christian,

1. If you own “that company”, then you have a huge interest in seeing its P&L improve, because improving the P&Ls of companies you own is how you make your money.

2. If you are considering selling “that company”, you should still be taking an interest in improving its P&L. You will get a better price for a modestly successful company than one that’s crashing and burning.

3. If you are thinking about buying “that company”, then you would actually want its P&L to remain lousy until after the purchase, because they you will be able to acquire it at a lower price than if it was doing well.

Please make up your mind.

Christian has an Ed Gein moment

He’s got right under my skin…literally. (p377)

…and now he’s put it on and he’s dancing around in his basement to Q Lazzarus while he waits for his moth collection to hatch out.

Pointless fanfic artefact

At the head of the maple conference table sits a young man with red hair tied in a ponytail. Small, silver, hooped earrings glint in both his ears.

He says my name softly and cocks his head to one side…it’s unnerving. Doing my best to ignore the irrational wariness he inspires, I launch into my carefully prepared speech… (p379)

“It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Ana,” Jack says softly as he takes my hand. He squeezes it gently, so that I blink up at him as I say goodbye.

I feel unsettled as I make my way to the car, though I’m not sure why. (p380)

Dear E L James. This character is clearly James, the not-terribly-badass vampire who tried to kill Bella at the end of “Twilight”. As we both know, in a fanfic AU context, extra kudos is awarded for how well you manage to integrate the original cast into your re-imagined universe. Your original readers will have understood this, and James / Jack’s presence would have made perfect sense.

In an original-fiction work, however, this makes no sense. All that’s happened here is you’ve pointlessly introduced yet another predatory male who appears to have sinister designs on Ana – a subplot which will go absolutely nowhere, at least in this book, and which adds nothing to the main narrative whatsoever.

My career goes bang

“And where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”

“Copy editing, perhaps? Maybe a literary agent, I’m not sure. I am open to opportunities.” (p380)

Dear Ana. “Copy editing” means going through other people’s manuscripts with a fine-tooth comb and correcting errors of spelling, grammar and punctuation. They’re meticulous, focused and careful. “Literary agents” manage the relationship between writers and publishers. They’re editors, negotiators, hand-holders and wheeler-dealers.

If you’re not sure which you’d be best at, you’re probably not right for of them.

Christian has principles. Except when he doesn’t

[Christian to Ana, by email]

Anastasia

Mrs Jones is a valued employee…I do not employ anyone I’ve had any sexual relations with. I am shocked you would think so. (p386)

Well, to be fair Christian, you did have sex with Ana and then repeatedly offer her a job. So she’s not going completely out on a limb here.

More about Christian’s hiring practices

The only person I would make an exception to this rule is you – because you are a bright young woman with remarkable negotiating skills. (p386)

Since the only thing Ana’s managed to negotiate so far is “you will not police my eating or sleeping habits, and when we have sex, you will not shove your entire fist into my vagina or anus”, this position is hard to substantiate.

The ironing is delicious

[Ana to Christian, by email]

Dear Sir

The morning was exemplary for me too, in spite of you weirding out on me after the impeccable desk sex… (p384)

Anastasia

I shall take impeccable as a compliment – though with you, I’m never sure if that’s what you mean or if your sense of irony is getting the better of you – as usual. (p386)

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Irony, (n):

- The use of words to convey something other than, and especially opposite to, the literal meaning

- E L James’ attempts to convince us that Christian is a marvellously intuitive lover who knows Ana better than she knows herself, when he is completely unable to read her body-language and secretly suspects she is faking every orgasm

Objectionable airline stereotype

“Ticket please?” The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.

Mirroring his boredom, I hand over my ticket…

“Okay, Miss Steele. You’ve been upgraded to first class…if you’d like to go through to the first class lounge and await your flight there.” He seems to have woken up and is beaming at me like I’m the Christmas Fairy and the Easter Bunny rolled into one.

“Surely there’s some mistake.”

“No, no….” he simpers at me. (p388)

Okay, E L James,

1. Not all men working in the airline industry are gay

2. Of the gay men who do work in the airline industry, not all of them are flouncy

3. Of the gay men who work in the airline industry and are flouncy, almost none of them have a deliberate policy of being actively servile to the First Class passengers, and actively rude to all the rest. How long do you think any employee with this attitude would last?

4. Therefore I’m assuming you’re just employing a lazy homophobic stereotype to liven up your scene, and…

5. …I’ll look forward to meeting your eye-rolling, lip-smacking, jazz-hands porter with the great sense of rhythm and the simple “Yas’suh” homespun wisdom shortly.

Chapter Twenty-Two

In which sense is briefly talked; but only briefly; and no-one’s listening.

Living the high life

I am manicured, massaged, and I’ve had two glasses of champagne. The First Class lounge has many redeeming features. (p389)

That sounds lovely Ana, but unfortunately Sea-Tac Airport doesn’t have a first-class lounge. Maybe after Kate dropped you off you accidentally got in a taxi and drove two and a half thousand miles to JFK?

Ana is from another century

I glance anxiously at my watch and then the disembodied voice from the flight deck announces, “Cabin crew, doors to automatic and cross-check.”

What does that mean? Are they closing the doors? (p391)

Ana, you’re from Georgia and go to college in Vancouver. Are you seriously telling me this is your first time on a plane?

In what universe is this okay?

[Christian to Ana, by email]

Dear Miss Steele

I know what you’re trying to do – and trust me – you’ve succeeded. Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate.

Holy crap. That’s the problem with Christian’s humor – I can never be sure if he’s joking or if he’s seriously angry. (p392)

No, the problem with Christian’s humor is that some things are just not funny.

Somewhere in the universe, a hard-working Apple designer is sobbing quietly into his coffee

[Bob] takes my backpack.

“Jeez, Ana, what have you got in here?”

That will be the Mac… (p396)

A MacBook Pro weighs about four and a half pounds. Bob is a professional sportsman. Whatever it is that’s weighing you down, it will certainly not be the Mac.

Maybe Christian hid himself away in your luggage?

Photo: gingerpig2000 [flickr]

A Mother’s intuition

“So, Ana…tell me about this man who has you in such a spin.”

Spin! How can she tell? (p397)

1. Spin! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!

2. Well Ana, she might have some sort of spooky telepathic insight that allows her to see what no-one else can. Or it might be because pretty much every time you’ve spoken to her in the course of this book, you’ve burst into tears. Your pick.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (7)

“Oh, Mom, his mood swings make me dizzy. He’s had a grim upbringing, so he’s very closed, difficult to gauge.”

“Do you like him?”

“I more than like him.”

“Really?” She gapes at me. (p398)

1. Dear Mrs Steele (or whoever you are by now…with four husbands so far, it’s hard to know). Why are you so surprised to find that Ana likes the man she’s dating? Did you honestly think she was spending time with this man just out of politeness and good manners?

2. Unless you know she’s gay, of course.

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

A Family Trait

“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say…if I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.”

I gape at her. That sounds like good advice. (p398)

So now the both of you are sitting on the beach with your mouths hanging open. Excellent. I can see now why your collective milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

Is it two black faces, one white vase, or a psychopathic monster?

Take Christian literally. Immediately some of the things he’s said spring into my mind.

I don’t want to lose you…

You’ve bewitched me…

You’ve completely beguiled me…

I’ll miss you, too… more than you know… (p398)

OR:

“I have rules and I want you to comply with them”

“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful”

“I want you sore”

“He uses sex as a weapon”

“Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate”

In the words of the ever-wise Maya Angelou, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Ana’s mom, the relationship expert

I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all. (p398)

Possibly not so much about successful long-term relationships, though.

Mommy porn

My mother has disappeared to mould some candles or whatever she does with them. (p399)

Is anyone else picturing Ana’s mom –

No, no, no, no, no, not even I can make that joke and expect it to see print. Sorry. As you were.

Somehow I feel we’re not really getting to the heart of the issue here

Yes, [the crate in the cargo hold] was a joke, a poor one obviously. However, the fact is – the thought of you bound and gagged turns me on (this is not a joke – it’s true). I can lose the crate – crates do nothing for me. (p400)

So presumably if crates did do something for Christian, they’d still be up for discussion.

When I use a word, it means what I choose it to mean

[Christian to Ana, by email]

Frankly, I’m in awe of you, that one so innocent would be so willing to try. (p400)

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Awe, (n):

- a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of someone who lacks the experience to judge just how much of a bastard you really are

Ana on the subject of Christian’s formative sexual experiences

…the image of that evil witch Mrs Robinson comes into my mind. I just can’t picture it. (p405)

But you just did picture it.

Photo: Der_Krampus [flickr]

Ana’s thoughts on large age-gaps in relationships

Christian being beaten by someone as old as my mother, it’s just so wrong. (p405)

The part most people would think of as wrong would be “anyone beating a child for sexual pleasure”. The age of the person doing the beating is something of a red herring.

What an age we live in

…on the third page, there’s a picture of me, with [Christian], at my graduation.

Holy Cow! I’m on Google! (p413)

Holy Cow! I’m on Google! And my house is on Google Maps! And the Pope has a website! And the Amish are on Facebook! It’s almost like we live in a digitised age where the sum of all human knowledge, from the life-changing to the arcane to the utterly trivial, is a mere click of a button away!

Chapters Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four

In which Ana gets some unusual parental advice, and Ana and Christian go gliding and take another bath

So he was in her luggage after all!

“Ana, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s Christian, he’s here.”

…I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom. (p418)

Don’t worry, I think she might figure that one out for herself.

Photo: gingerpig2000 [flickr]

Delayed gratification

“Christian, it’s lovely to meet you finally,” Mom interjects. (p421)

Yeah, it’s been, what, like, two whole weeks now?

Things mothers do not do

“Go to him! This is a beautiful location, very romantic…don’t feel you have to come back with me. I want you happy – and right now I think the key to your happiness is upstairs in room 612.” (p424)

1. Dear E L James. Can you honestly picture your mother sternly ordering you to go upstairs, never mind if you’re not in the mood right now and there’s other stuff you’re busy with, this is your mother talking, just get up those stairs and fuck your boyfriend? Yeah, I thought not.

2. Especially if the first reaction you yourself had on seeing your boyfriend arrive was to turn pale with horror.

A tender moment

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks…

“Err…yesterday…”

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders...he reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. (p430)

1. …….

2. Although given his past form, I suppose we can all be grateful he didn’t invite her to lick it first.

Dead romantic

[Christian to Ana] “Perhaps I should be stricter with you…”

I swallow. Jeez, no. But at the same time, my muscles clench deliciously deep inside. It is his way of showing that he cares. (p436)

Oh, you’re right, Ana; he totally hits you because he cares. And family annihilators only kill their wives and children because they’re secretly really great fathers.

If Ana has five apples, and Christian has two apples…

“So I am number seventeen.”

He frowns at me not comprehending.

“Number of women you’ve um…had sex with.”

“Not exactly.”

“You said fifteen.” My confusion is obvious. (p439)

Ana, monkeys can add one more to fifteen and get the right answer.

How many lovers has Christian really had?

“What are we talking – tens, hundreds…thousands?”

“Tens. We’re in the tens, for pity’s sake.” (p440)

Just some number between sixteen and ninety-nine…practically a virgin, really.

Not everything you think of is automatically true

Elena! Holy Fuck. The evil one has a name and it’s all foreign sounding. A vision of a glorious, pale-skinned vamp with raven hair and ruby-red lips comes to mind, and I know that she’s beautiful. (p448)

1. Oh, Ana. Why not try picturing her with a massive wart on the end of her nose and a bad, bouffy hairstyle? There you go. Now you know she’s funny-looking.

2. Some math for you. Christian is in his late twenties. That means his mother and her friends are probably in her early fifties.

3. I’m not saying women in their fifties can’t be beautiful. But - you know - maybe not quite so much with the glorious pale-skinned vamp, and a little more with the glamorous-sexy-and-interesting Meryl Streep type, yes?

Scary sky-lady is watching you

I notice the soft swell of pink and aquamarine in the sky behind. Dawn is following us. (p448)

But if you hide behind the couch and keep real quiet, maybe she’ll go away again.

Spatial orientation fail

The radio crackles into life, and Mark mentions three thousand feet. Jeez, that sounds high. I check the ground, and I can no longer clearly distinguish anything down there. (p453)

Actually, at 3,000 feet up you should still be able to make out plenty of detail, including rooftops, trees and road networks.

Photo: brewbooks [flickr]

Falling, with style

The plane banks and turns as the wing dips, and we spiral towards the sun…I am flying close to the sun, but he’s with me, leading me. (p453)

1. “Gliding” is essentially a very aerodynamically-efficient method of falling out of the sky. Your glider doesn’t have an engine, therefore it is incapable of generating further lift to take it towards the sun.

2. Of course, Gliders (like birds) can ride thermals as a means of counteracting the effects of gravity and achieving greater altitude. Unfortunately, the sun isn’t properly up yet, so no thermals for you.

Ana worries about talking in her sleep

Holy shit. I know I talk in my sleep. Kate has told me enough times. What the hell have I said? Oh no. (p462)

1. Ana, as anyone who has to share sleeping quarters with with a sleep-talker will tell you, somniloquy is pretty much the dictionary definition of what happens when we open our mouths without engaging our brains. My brother once woke his wife up to tell her the ceiling had collapsed and there was blood dripping off the walls. When she asked him about it in the morning, he said he wasn’t sure, but he thought maybe he’d been dreaming about fishing.

2. I thought you and Kate each had your own bedroom?

Christian is called back to Seattle unexpectedly

Oh no. The last “situation” [Christian] had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it’s nothing like that. (p464)

Me too. I’d hate to think there were two women on the planet that dumb.

Chapters Twenty-five and Twenty-six

In which Ana finally comes to her senses. But there are two books more to come. So let’s face it, it’s not going to last.

Ana goes shopping with her mom

I managed this morning, with my mother’s help, to buy Christian a small gift to say thank you for first class and for the gliding. (p475)

Did your mom help you talk to the nice man behind the counter and count out the right money?

Taylor meets Ana at the airport

“Hello, Taylor.”

…“Ana. Can I take your bags, please?”

“No, I can manage. Thank you.”

His lips tighten perceptibly.

“But, if you’d be more comfortable taking them,” I stammer. (p476)

1. By my calculations, every single named character has now been in some way abusive or inappropriate towards Ana.

2. Ana, just out of interest - if you just ignored those tightened lips and hung onto your bags regardless, what’s the very worst that could happen?

Things that are not strange

[Taylor] drops me outside the impressive façade that is the entrance to Escala.

“In you go, ma’am,” he says…”I’ll bring up your luggage.”

…The elevator doors open, and I am in the foyer. It’s so strange not to be met by Taylor. (p478)

Although, since you left him outside the building and came up in the elevator alone, it would possibly have been a little more strange if you had been.

Even stalkers have standards

[Ana to Christian] “I have a job.”

…”Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?”

“You don’t know?”

…”Anastasia, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course.” He looks wounded. (p481)

The Christian Grey scale of acceptable stalking behaviour

Covert installation of tracking software on phone = who hasn’t?

Kidnapping woman you’ve met twice from a bar = for her own safety. Totally cool

Finding out where she lives by means other than asking her. Twice = How else am I supposed to get her drunk send her champagne?

Hacking into the airline’s computers and upgrading her flight = a nice gesture

Turning up uninvited when she’s out with her mom = I missed her, okay?

Finding out the address of a publically listed company = I would never do that. Ever. Because that would be wrong

Conversations that would never happen

“Christian, could you interfere in my career please?”

“Of course, my beloved. What would you like me to do?”

“Um…”

<conversation grinds to a halt>

A little late to the party

Kneeling by the door, I am naked except for my panties…Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She’s there somewhere, hiding behind my inner goddess. (p484)

This is why you have no room in your head for your Inner Self-Esteem, your Inner Common Sense, your Inner Filter On What Comes Out Of Your Mouth, your Inner Ability To Control Your Facial Expressions and your Inner Sense Of Self-Preservation.

Christian Ties Ana Up And Puts Earphones On Her

Okay. A musical interlude. Not what I was expecting. Does he ever do what I expect? Jeez, I hope it’s not rap. (p487)

Ana, have you ever in your life managed to focus on the things that really matter?

Christian at the piano

Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light as he plays. (p495)

What, like David Vetter?

Photo: Björn Söderqvist [flickr]

Ana is psychic

He looks naked, though I know he’s wearing his PJ bottoms. (p495)

So are his PJ bottoms rendered invisible in the right lighting?

Ana remembers something important

“It’s eight in the morning for me. And I need to take my pill.”

He raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Well remembered,” he murmurs, and I can tell he’s impressed. (p497)

Depressingly, I can actually see his point here.

Assault and battery

He…grabs what looks like a belt from the rack beside the door…

“…I am going to hit you six times, and you will count with me.”

[He starts hitting her. There is nothing erotic about it.]

…”Five.” My voice is a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment I think I hate him…

“Six,” I whisper…and he’s pulling me into his arms, all breathless and compassionate…and I want none of him. (p506)

Women of the world. Your hero.

For the first time in over five hundred pages, Ana makes a good decision

I have to go. That’s it…I have to leave. He’s no good for me, and I am no good for him. (p507)

Hell yeah.

I just have something in my eye

Tears course unbidden and unwelcome down my cheeks…Taylor holds out a linen handkerchief for me…this small discreet act of kindness is my undoing. I sit back in the luxurious leather seat and weep. (p513)

1. Technically, Ana, you already were weeping.

2. But you’re sad, so I won’t be too mean about it.

3. Oh, look, even I feel a tiny bit sorry for you now. He was a terrible boyfriend, okay? You did the right thing in leaving. You’d be better off with Kate.

Ana retires to bed. Probably for several months

...hanging limply at the end of my bed, is a very sad, deflated helicopter balloon. Charlie Tango, looking and feeling exactly like me. (P514)

I bet Christian’s private name for his penis is “Charlie Tango”.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (11)

I grab [the balloon] angrily off my bedrail, snapping the tie, and hug it to me. (p514)

I prefer a teddy-bear myself.

Or a bi-curious friend of four years’ standing.

If only

The pain is indescribable… (p514)

And yet you’re describing it.

Aristotle is not pleased

Physical, mental…metaphysical… (p514)

1. Physical pain makes sense. The bastard hit you with a belt six times (damn it, every time I write that I feel like I ought to be coming round to yours with a cup of tea and a cuddle).

2. Mental pain also makes sense. You thought you were in a relationship and it turned out you were just someone to abuse.

3. Metaphysical, on the other hand, means “based on speculative or abstract reasoning”, and “highly abstract, theoretical, abstruse”. Your ass hurts because he hit you, and your heart hurts because you thought he loved you. Nothing abstract, speculative, theoretical or abstruse about that.

4. Still, two out of three ain’t bad. See? You only left him half an hour ago, and already you’re thinking more clearly!

Photo: zimpenfish [flickr]

Appendices

If you’re feeling kind of sorry for Ana, I wouldn’t be too worried. There are two more books to come. And if it’s following the trajectory of the Twilight quartet, by the end we can expect to see Ana and Christian blissfully in love, happily married, raising rugrats and probably still having red-hot multiple-orgasm sex every six pages.

Let’s do a little more analysis of what we’ve just seen.

Appendix One

Oh my, holy cow, his pants are hanging from his hips in that way

All writers need editors. Editors make our books better. They point out the things we can’t see for ourselves, and force us to confront and overcome our very worstest writing habits. (For the record, my fatal errors are a guilty addiction to ellipses, and the Oxford comma.)

Unfortunately, once you pass a certain threshold of success, publishers seem to stop editing your work - after all, they know you’re going to sell in the squillions anyway. This is how the world came to contain the Quidditch World Cup and the opening ten chapters of “Under The Dome”.

And if you’ve made the big-time by self-publishing, and you only get picked up after you’ve become a huge viral success…well, don’t expect much editorial support to shield your literary crimes from the world.

Let’s have a look at some statistics.

Distinctive words and phrases

“Oh my”

Number of times Ana uses the phrase “Oh my”: 49

That gives an average per chapter of: 1.8

Or to put it another way: Once every 10.4 pages

Wow. That’s a lot, isn’t it?: Quite a lot, yes. But come check this out:

“Holy…”

Number of times Ana uses the construction “Holy…”: 147

That’s an average Holy Somethings per chapter of: 3.49

Which gives an overall average of: One every 3.5 pages

Number of times Robin said “Holy Something, Batman” in the classic 1960s Batman series: 360 times

Which averages out at: Three times an episode

Ana’s rate of “Holy”ing expressed as a percentage of Robin’s: 116%

(and the Batman writers were doing it on purpose)

“Crap”

Number of times Ana uses the expletive “crap”: 63

And the per-chapter average: 2.4

Put that into pages for me?: Once every 8.2 pages

“Crap” usage expressed as a percentage of “oh my” usage: 128%

(and most critics agree that her “Oh my” habit is excessive)

Annoying habits

Eye-rolling

Number of times Ana rolls her eyes: 14

Number of times everyone else in the book rolls their eyes: 8

Ana’s eye-rolling frequency, expressed as a percentage of the frequency of everyone else’s added together: 175%

I’m starting to see Christian’s point

Lip-biting

Number of times either Ana or Christian bites Ana’s lip: 43

Average bites per chapter: 1.65

Another way to look at it: 1.7 times a day

Let’s hope she has a chapstick

Gaping

Number of times Ana gapes, jaw-drops or feels her mouth pop open: 23

Number of times everyone else in the book has the same experience: 17

That means someone in the book will gape at an average rate of: 1.6 times per day

(Just out of interest, when was the last time you saw anyone do this?)

Ana’s definitely the worst offender, though

Ana’s gaping frequency, expressed as a percentage of the frequency of everyone else’s added together: 135%

Ana’s gaping frequency expressed as a daily occurrence rate: 0.92

Ana Lurves Christian

Christian’s hair

So what’s the deal with Christian’s hair, anyway?

“Fifty Shades of Grey”: repurposed Twilight fan fiction

Christian Grey: Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen: Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson: Distinctive “Twilight” hairstyle

Robert Pattinson’s hair: Object of cultic adoration for the Twiharders

Ergo Christian Grey’s hair: Subject to obligatory fetishisation

Okay, glad we cleared that up. What does that mean for the reader?

Number of times Christian’s hair is mentioned: 43

Or alternatively: 1.6 times per chapter or once every 11.9 pages

(almost as often as Ana says “Oh my”)

Number of times Christian’s hair is overtly eroticised: 20

Well-hung pants

Pants that hang from hips. That’s palazzo pants, right?: Well, I’d say so, yes

And this is sexy how?: Hey, I just work here, ‘kay?

And here are the stats:

Number of times Christian’s well-hung pants are mentioned: 10

That’s not nearly as many as some of the other things: True

But its utter ludicrousness gives it additional standout

Ana needs help

Blushing

Number of times Ana blushes: 127

Did I read that right?: You did; 127, I counted

That’s a daily blush-count of: 5.1

Crying

Number of times Ana cries: 21

How long is the time-frame of this book again?: 25 days

So Ana cries just under once each day?: 0.8 times a day, yes. Which is a shame, I think

She’s as mad as a box of frogs, but she deserves better

The voices in her head

Number of times Ana engages in dialogue with her Subconscious: 77

Number of times Ana engages in dialogue with her Inner Goddess: 53

Making a total number of conversations with imaginary people of: 130 or 5.2 conversations a day

Total number of imaginary people living in Ana’s head: 4

(her “Inner Ray” and her “Inner Sub” are non-speaking extras)

Chances Ana is suffering from a serious mental illness: Quite high.

Hearing voices is a sign of a number of mental disorders including psychosis, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

Appendix Two

Ana’s relationship with alcohol

“I might even get drunk! I’ve never been drunk before.” (p54)

How much alcohol does Ana drink?

The action of “Fifty Shades of Grey” takes place over a period of just under four weeks. During this period, Ana frequently makes reference to drinking alcohol.

Alcohol intake is notoriously difficult to quantify. Differing drink strengths, variable measures and recipes and under-reporting by the user all make assessment difficult.

However, working with the assumptions that Ana drinks an equal share of all shared bottles, that she finishes every drink she’s given, and that all of her alcohol intake is reported, it’s possible to make an approximation. Based on these assumptions, Ana’s intake is between 98 and 105 units over the twenty-five day period (depending on the strength of the cocktails she’s drinking).

- Ana’s average daily intake: 3.9 to 4.2 units

- Recommended maximum daily intake for women: 2.0 – 3.0 units

- Ana’s intake as a percentage of the recommended daily maximum: 130% to 210%

“Oh my...”

However, for the first two weeks of the narrative, Ana is preparing for and then completing her final exams. During this period - with the single exception of a bottle of champagne shared with Kate and José – Ana does not appear to drink alcohol at all.

Ana’s daily alcohol intake during the period of her active relationship with Christian is therefore much higher:

- Ana’s average daily intake: 6.7 to 7.3 units

- Recommended maximum daily intake for women: 2.0 – 3.0 units

- Ana’s intake as a percentage of the recommended daily maximum: 223% to 365%

“Holy hell!”

This marked increase in Ana’s alcohol intake – coupled with the fact that she’s arguably as drunk as a skunk for most of her waking hours - may explain the erratic behaviour, impulsive actions and increasingly poor decision-making she consistently shows during the period of her relationship with Christian.

Ana’s attitudes to alcohol

“There – that told him, my courage fuelled by alcohol.”

In addition to her excessive intake, Ana frequently expresses potentially risky and problematic attitudes to alcohol. At various points in the narrative, she describes a number of personal attributes she believes improve with alcohol, including:

- courage (p57)

- dancing ability (p63)

- ability to relax (p163)

- sexual arousal (p193)

- negotiating ability (p222)

- honesty (p272)

All of these represent areas of Ana’s personality where she feels she is naturally deficient or inadequate compared to other people. Essentially, Ana’s perception of alcohol is that drinking enables her to become closer to the person she wants to be.

Anna’s ability to regulate her alcohol intake

“As I down my fifth glass, I know this is not a good idea on top of the champagne.” (p56)

It is notable that during the narrative, Ana almost always accepts alcohol when it’s offered to her. This is the case even when she has already drunk more than she feels is sensible (p56, above), when she is aware that it’s beginning to cloud her judgement (p258) and within twenty-four hours of a firm and well-justified decision not to drink ever again (p60, p94). On the single occasion when she declines an offer of alcohol (p221), she instantly regrets her decision (p222).

Conclusion

Developing a dependency on alcohol takes time, and we only have four weeks of data (during which Ana is celebrating her graduation). It’s probably a bit soon to declare that Ana is an alcoholic, or even that she’s a consistently problem drinker.

However, it has to be said that we’re not seeing a healthy pattern of behaviour here.

Ana’s Alcohol Diary

- 1/3 bottle champagne at home with Kate and José: 3 units

- ½ bottle champagne at home with Kate: 4.5 units

- 5 Margaritas in the bar after her exams: 10 units

- 2 large glasses white wine at Christian’s apartment: 6 units

- 1 large glass white wine over lunch with Christian: 3 units

- ½ bottle red wine at home with Kate: 5.5 units

- ½ bottle red wine at home with Kate (again): 5.5 units

- 1 large glass white wine over dinner with Christian: 3 units

- 1 glass fizzy wine at her graduation: 2 units

- ½ bottle champagne at home with Christian: 4.5 units

- ½ bottle red wine at home with Kate: 5.5 units

- 2 x bottles of beer at home with Kate, José and Elliot: 4 units

- 2 to 3 more bottles of beer at a bar with José: 4 – 6 units

- ½ bottle champagne at home with Kate: 4.5 units

- ½ bottle wine over dinner with Christian: 5.5 units

- Glass of prosecco at Christian’s parents’ house: 2 units

- 1 large glass red wine at Christian’s parents’ house: 3 units

- 2 glasses champagne at the airport / on the plane: 4 units

- 1 champagne cocktail on the plane: 2 units

- 1/3 bottle champagne at home with her mother and Ray: 3 units

- 4 Cosmopolitans at the hotel with her mother: 8 units

- 2 large glasses wine over lunch with Christian: 6 units

TOTAL…………………………………………98 units

Appendix Three

Is Christian Grey a psychopath?

“He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.” (p100)

What is a psychopath?

Psychopathy – also referred to as sociopathy – is a non-correctable defect of character, distinguished by a pervasive disregard for the feelings of others, and for the societal norms of behaviour.

Don’t psychopaths all go round killing people?

While quite a lot of successful serial killers do turn out to be psychopaths, not all psychopaths are serial killers. This is mainly because - while all psychopaths will ruthlessly pursue whatever their selfish goal happens to be - not all psychopaths actually want to kill people. However, they will all go after whatever it is that does float their boat, without giving a moment’s thought to the consequences for other people.

Somewhat alarmingly, the incidence of psychopathy in the general population is estimated to be about four per cent. In prison populations, that rises to about twenty per cent.

And according to some studies, the other place you’ll find a twenty per cent rate of psychopathy is among the senior managers of large corporations.

Diagnosing psychopathy

There are a number of diagnostic methods, but I’ll be using the iconic psychopath-spotting tool* - the Psychopathy Checklist, Revised (PCL-R) developed by Dr Robert Hare.

How the PCL-R questionnaire works

PCL-R consists of twenty personality attributes. For each attribute, the person being assessed is given a score of 0 (definitely does not apply), 1 (applies somewhat or only in a limited sense) or 2 (definitely applies). The maximum possible score is forty.

*Please note that while I’m cheerfully hijacking a serious clinical tool for the purposes of idle entertainment, it’s not actually possible for a layperson to reliably diagnose psychopathy. If someone you know is behaving in such a poor-quality manner that you’re wondering if they might be a psychopath, don’t waste your time trying to work out whether they’ve got a diagnosable disorder, or are simply being a huge prick. Just get them out of your life as soon as possible, and move on.

Person under assessment: Christian Grey

Glibness / superficial charm……score: 2

Ana and many other characters frequently comment on how charming Christian is. He charms almost everyone he meets, and most are overwhelmed by his attractiveness.

Grandiose sense of self-worth……score: 1

Christian clearly thinks very highly of himself and often speaks of himself in self-aggrandising terms. On the other hand, he’s become a self-made billionaire before his thirtieth birthday, so he may have a point.

Need for stimulation / prone to boredom……score: 2

Christian’s hobbies are visibly high-risk and thrill-seeking. His sex life is promiscuous and highly varied.

Pathological lying……score: 1

We see no evidence that Christian is a habitual liar (although he does make some fairly unusual claims about his personal life-experiences for which the oly evidence is his own testimony).

However, he does engage in grandstanding statements that can easily be disproven (he can fire twenty thousand people at will, with no damage to his business) and / or which are clearly self-serving (he was protecting Ana from rape when he kidnapped her).

Conning / manipulative……score: 2

Christian frequently and effortlessly manipulates Ana into doing things she either doesn’t want to do, or is unsure about doing, using a smooth combination of flattery, threats and emotional blackmail.

Lack of remorse or guilt……score: 2

On several occasions, Christian responds to Ana’s emotional pain with anger and / or puzzlement. He only apologises when he will clearly benefit from doing so (e.g. when it becomes clear Ana is considering leaving him). His apologies are usually couched as justifications for his own behaviour (“I can’t help it, it’s how I am”) rather than an acknowledgement of the pain he has caused Ana.

Shallow affect……score: 2

While he claims to be devoted to her welfare, Christian demonstrates little empathy with Ana, frequently ignoring her physical and emotional needs in favour of his own (e.g. insisting on sex when she is exhausted, leaving her alone after sex when she clearly wants him to stay).

When Ana’s needs diverge from his own agenda, Christian often displays resentment, which he makes little or no attempt to disguise.

Callous / lack of empathy……score: 2

While Christian frequently claims to be concerned for Ana, this is most often couched in reference to his own needs and feelings (“I have an issue with wasted food” rather than “You must be hungry”; his belief that Ana will inevitably enjoy anal intercourse because he enjoys it). When Ana expresses a clear emotional need, he often claims to be unable to meet it, and solicits her sympathy towards him instead.

Parasitic lifestyle……score: 0

Christian is independently extremely wealthy, and has seemingly achieved this through his own hard work.

Poor behavioural controls……score: 2

Christian frequently breaks his own declared intention to stay away from Ana until she is ready (“Fuck the contract”, “I thought I’d come in person”, his unscheduled arrival in Georgia).

He also engages in an act of kidnap, even though there are multiple witnesses to his removal of Ana from the bar, and at least one person (Kate) who will quickly know he has not done as he promised and taken Ana home.

Promiscuous sexual behaviour……score: 2

Assuming Christian is telling the truth, he has had sex with somewhere between twenty and a hundred partners, including an unknown number of sex-workers.

Early behaviour problems……score: 2

Christian tells Ana that he has dabbled with drugs in the past, and had he not met “Mrs Robinson”, he might have become an addict. He also makes frequent reference to his early and on-going need to hurt people, and his inability to give or accept love.

Lack of realistic, long-term goals……score: 0

While Christian thinks highly of himself and his abilities, his achievements to date are exceptional and his assessment of himself appears justified.

Impulsivity……score: 2

Christian frequently acts on impulse (tracking Ana down in the bar, leaving the dinner-table to have sex with Ana in the boathouse, travelling to Georgia at short notice), and actively requires others to do so as well (forcing Ana out of bed to come gliding).

Irresponsibility……score: 0

While Christian is impulsive, aggressive and frequently cruel, we do not see any evidence of him abandoning an existing responsibility to pursue his own ends.

Failure to accept responsibility for actions……score: 2

Christian is often puzzled when others are angry with him for things he’s done. He justifies his kidnap of Ana by claiming he was protecting his upholstery and then, later, as protecting her from José; he rationalises the giving of unwanted presents as Ana over-thinking things; he frequently and wilfully fails to notice signs of Ana’s emotional upset.

Many short-term marital relationships……score: 2

While Christian has never been married, he cites fifteen relationships with women which he describes as monogamous and meaningful.

Juvenile delinquency……score: 1

As mentioned above, Christian admits to having dabbled with drugs and other undesirable behaviours in his teens – only being apparently “saved” by his relationship with “Mrs Robinson”.

Revocation of conditional release……score: 0

As far as we can tell, Christian has never been in prison.

Criminal versatility……score: 2

Christian is adept at using criminal techniques that further his goals, including the illegal installation of tracking software on Ana’s mobile phone, illegally accessing information about her travel plans and taking her away from her friends without her consent. (He may have drugged her first to do so.) He does these things with no obvious sense of guilt and clearly feels all his actions are justified.

Final scores

Cut-off point recommended by Dr Hare for a diagnosis of psychopathy: 30

Cut-off point typically used in research for a diagnosis of psychopathy: 25 – 30

Cut-off typically used in the British courts for a diagnosis of psychopathy: 25

Christian’s score: 29

Your Intrepid Reviewer

How many times have you read this book?

About twelve

Do you have the Kindle edition or the paperback?

Both. My paperback copy is now very scribbled on so I can’t even sell it on to someone else.

Did you enjoy it?

Well, it certainly amused me no end. Although possibly not in quite the way its author intended. But it made me laugh, a lot, and that’s never a bad thing

So what’s your favourite part?

Page 457.

What’s so great about p457?

It features seven items from my Fifty Shades Bingo Card:

- A hair reference

- A hair eroticisation

- A “Holy shit”

- An “oh my”

- A lip-nibble

- A blush

- An Inner Goddess

Will you be reading the sequels?

Oh, definitely. I always finish book sequences. Even when I hate them (and to be fair, I didn’t hate this one). You know how some people have to run marathons? I’m like that, only with books

Do you think EL James will mind you writing this book?

I doubt it. I imagine selling 10 million copies worldwide renders you immune to the snarkiness of others

Are you jealous of her success?

Well, what do you think?

About Cassandra Parkin

Cassandra Parkin was born and raised in Hull, and has spent most of her life tiptoeing around the knowledge that she has always wanted to write for a living. She has been writing for as long as she can remember – often in the backs of schoolbooks and notebooks, generally as presents for family and friends, and mostly on the sly while she was supposed to be doing something else.

She attended York University, after which she somehow managed to parlay an MA in English Literature (specialist subject: eighteenth-century women writers) into a marketing career with a huge, giant company that made everything (applications for specialist knowledge of eighteenth-century women writers: limited). She then spent upwards of a decade adding to her day-job by taking on any writing assignment she could find. In the fronts of the notebooks she wrote presentations, copy for promotional leaflets, information for websites, scripts for conference videos (to briefs like, “Look, I don’t really know what I want, just – just make it funny, okay? And try and include the phrase whale’s vagina. Preferably in Alex’s bit”), a mad, rage-filled Beckett-esque playlet about the seething black emptiness at the heart of corporate life (which was performed at a motivational meeting) and mendacious personal statements for other people’s CVs. In the backs of the same notebooks, she wrote a weekly journal for her grandmother about the highs and lows of raising children, spurious replies to customer complaints, parodies of popular literature of the day, imagined correspondence between public figures, and novels and short stories for friends.

After about fifteen years of comprehensively not listening to people telling her she should try and find a publisher (sorry, guys. I can see how this must have been annoying), she has finally conceded that maybe she didn’t know better than everyone else put together after all. Her short story collection “New World Fairy Tales” was the winner of the 2011 Scott Prize for Short Stories, and her work has also been published in a number of magazines and anthologies.

She is a committed reader and reviewer of genre fiction (especially bad genre fiction) and is rarely happier than when deconstructing other people’s unusual writing choices for the “Adventures in Trash” strand on her blog at www.cassandraparkin.wordpress.com. She is married with two children, and has recently acquired two cats (taking her one step closer to fulfilling her clear genetic destiny of Mad Old Cat Lady). She lives in a small but perfectly-formed village in East Yorkshire.

About Collca

Collca is an electronic publisher specialising in non-fiction bitesize ebooks for popular ereading devices such as Amazon's Kindle, Apple's iPad, Barnes & Noble's Nook and Kobo's eponymous ereader. We cover a wide range of subjects including biography, health, reference, sport and travel. Our titles are available from hundreds of popular ebook retailers all around the world.

We currently publish five series of ebooks:

- BiteSize Biography

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In addition we publish a number of titles that do not fit into any of the series.

We also publish a number of apps for Apple's iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch devices. These are mainly history titles in the following series:

- History In An Hour

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We're always keen to find additional authors to help us expand of our publishing programme. If you would like to know more about writing for us, please visit www.collca.com/writeforus.

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Copyright

Collca

An imprint of Collca Limited

24 Comforts Farm Avenue

Oxted, Surrey, RH8 9PB, England

www.collca.com

First published in 2012 by Collca

This edition published in 2012 in Great Britain by Collca

Main text copyright © Cassandra Parkin 2012

Quotes from 50 Shades of Grey © E L James

Rope cover image © Henry Bonn – Fotolia

All rights reserved

EPUB Edition ISBN: 978-1-908795-40-3

Kindle Edition ISBN: 978-1-908795-41-0

The moral right of the author is asserted

All rights reserved. This ebook is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent. No part of this work may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Collca Limited.

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Table of Contents

Title Page

"Fifty Shades of Grey"

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapters Seven and Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapters Twelve and Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapters Sixteen and Seventeen

Chapters Eighteen and Nineteen

Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapters Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four

Chapters Twenty-five and Twenty-six

Appendices

Appendix One

Appendix Two

Appendix Three

Your Intrepid Reviewer

About Cassandra Parkin

About Collca

Copyright