THE VERY BEST OF ROBIN WILLIAMS

MEMORIES OF A COMEDY LEGEND

DAN ALDRIDGE

CONTENTS

Introduction

Quotes About Other Celebrities and Politicians

Comedy Quotes

What He Said About Himself

Interesting and Inspirational Quotes

Quotes from His Films

What Others Have Said About Him

Some Interesting Facts

INTRODUCTION

Naturally it’s never nice to hear of the death of somebody who’s on-screen presence has been a part of your life since you were young. But it takes the passing of somebody particularly special to shock the world and truly darken your day.

For as long as I can remember I have been a huge fan of Robin Williams. Mork & Mindy was always a family favourite and Popeye was even my one of my most watched videos as a child (though admittedly having watched it again in recent years it’s not the best of his films!).

Robin Williams was simply one of those personalities that couldn’t fail to make you smile. His natural skills as a comedian were like no other. His style was completely unique and he was a born entertainer whose gentle and friendly nature was evident in everything he did.

It’s unfortunate that, like many comedians before him, Robin Williams suffered a constant battle with depression. Though this was to ultimately and very sadly be the cause of his death, he leaves behind him a wealth of entertainment that will bring smiles to faces for many years to come.

This book brings together some of the most amusing, inspirational and thought provoking quotes from the comedy legend, as well as others’ reflections on the impact he had on their lives.

Aside from the last two chapters, all quotes are by Robin Williams himself.

QUOTES ABOUT OTHER CELEBRITIES AND POLITICIANS

'Oh my god, Jack Nicholson. He once was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said in a very intense voice: "Even oysters have enemies." I responded with "increase your dosage."'

*

'Having George W Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work.’

*

About his mentor Jonathan Winters:

‘He taught me that the world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable in a wonderful way.’

*

About when he spoke to Steven Spielberg during the filming of Schindler’s List:

'I called him when I was representing People for the Valdheimers Association. A society devoted to helping raise money to help older Germans who had forgotten everything before 1945. I remember him laughing and going "thank you".'

*

About George Bush:

‘We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like “We have to get rid of dictators,” but he's pretty much one himself.’

*

‘Michael [Jackson] is claiming racism, and I'm like, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?’

*

'Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, The Marx Brothers. Comedy is a great art when it works. I’ve never seen anything funnier than Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, that scene at the dinner table. That alone should get an award if you are just talking about sheer funny but they are always talking about ‘well, is it meaningful?’ Well, sure it’s meaningful if you come out and you had a great laugh.'

*

‘Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.’

*

'When I first met David Beckham, I didn't know whether to shake his hand or lick his face'

*

‘I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.’

*

‘When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, “Can I use a lifeline?”’

*

'The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.'

*

‘When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?’

*

About Sarah Palin:

‘"I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.’

*

‘When I was growing up they used to say, 'Robin, drugs can kill you.' Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, 'Robin, you need drugs to live.' I realise now that my doctor is also my dealer...’

*

‘There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!’

*

‘You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.’

*

‘We still have great comedy out there. There's always ramblin' Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says shit that even people with Tourette's go "no..."’

*

And if you're looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find! I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction, in the fantasy aisle.

*

‘I'd play the Riddler in the next Batman, although it'd be hard to top Heath Ledger as the villain, and I'm a little hairy for tights. Plus, the Batman films have screwed me twice before: years ago they offered me the Joker and then gave it to Jack Nicholson, then they offered me the Riddler and gave it to Jim Carrey.’

*

‘There's so much to talk about. The fact that Donald Trump wants to see Obama's birth certificate. I want to see his hairline first.’

*

‘I loved working with Pacino. Al does this Method thing where before every take he roars like a lion. So my first day working with him I bleated like a goat: "What was that?!" "Hi Al, I'm here, it's just Robin, just playing." Playing scenes with him was a little surreal, because I was like, "I'm watching Al Pacino!" and then I'd realize I had to act, too.’

COMEDY QUOTES

'Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on. He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish. Give it up'

*

‘Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.’

*

'If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?'

*

‘God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.’

*

'Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.'

*

‘We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.’

*

'Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.'

*

'Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.'

*

'Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs'

*

'Never fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.'

*

'Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer – you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.'

*

‘We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!’

*

'Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?'

*

'In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, "Stop, or I'll say stop again"'

*

'We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.'

*

'Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'

*

'The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery!'

*

'You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.'

*

'Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.'

*

During an awards ceremony in 2014, Williams joked about the glasses he was wearing, saying:

'My god! I have on nothing but Google Glass. And I'm downloading as we speak.'

*

'People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.'

*

‘They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!’

*

'Do you think Adam said to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets”?'

*

“I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators."

*

'In the midst of all this ranting, you can’t forget that in New York harbour, there is a statue that says, “Give me your tired, your poor…” And that doesn’t mean, “…for two weeks, to do light housework”.'

*

'Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.'

*

'A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.'

*

Speaking about being creative:

‘And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."

*

On his financial dispute with Disney over Aladdin:

'The only reason Mickey Mouse has four fingers is because he can't pick up a cheque'

*

‘Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."’

*

“Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [after no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!”

*

‘I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."’

*

‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, “give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses”. She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, “you want a piece of me?”’

*

‘Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.’

*

'Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall rat!'

*

‘You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) “It’s the same sex all the time”.’

*

“I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.”

*

‘And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before!’

*

‘If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.’

*

'Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.'

*

'Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?'

*

'The French have a bomb, too. The Michelin Bomb – only destroys restaurants under four stars.'

*

'Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award". The other is "You want fries with that?"

*

‘When in doubt, go for the dick joke.’

*

‘Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.’

*

‘Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it “all the money,” but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.’

*

‘My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You

never have to drug test an African distance runner:

"Are you on drugs?"

"No, I'm looking for food."’

*

‘Spring is nature's way of saying, “Let's party!”’

*

‘You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.’

*

'We're dealing with fundamentalists. The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.'

*

‘I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

*

‘Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.’

*

Talking about his film Popeye:

‘If you watch it backwards, it has a plot.’

*

‘They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.’

*

‘Australians are basically English rednecks. If Darwin had landed in Australia, he would have gone: "I'm wrong".’

*

‘Men can't fake an orgasm, who wants to look that dumb, you know what I'm saying?’

WHAT HE SAID ABOUT HIMSELF

‘I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.’

*

'My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is.'

*

'I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin’".'

*

'People ask why I do children's comedies. I'm happy being a Robert de Niro for nine-year-olds.'

*

'People think they know you. They expect you to be literally like you are on TV or in the movies, bouncing off the walls. A woman in an airport once said to me, "Be zany!" People always want zany, goofy shit from me. It takes a lot of energy to do that. If you do that all the time, you'll burn out.'

*

'I went to rehab in wine country, just to keep my options open.'

*

'When I'm awake, I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want the hassle of turning the light off, putting my head down and then all the thoughts. I don't want all those thoughts.'

*

'After my heart attack, my heart was all out of rhythm. It sounded like I had Tito Puente from an Afro-Cuban band on the front valve. Then they do an angiogram, which is going through your groin to get to your heart. And who knew that was the way to a man’s heart? I have a cow valve now. It’s wonderful. I can shit standing up.'

*

‘I love kids, but they are a tough audience.’

*

'I'm a born entertainer. When I open the fridge door and the light goes on, I burst into song.'

*

‘I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.’

*

‘Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you’re licensed to do that. It’s and understood relationship. You walk on stage – it’s your job.’

*

‘I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.’

*

‘I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.’

*

‘I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.’

*

‘You have this idea that you’d better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.’

*

‘I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.’

*

‘The idea of having a steady job is appealing.’

*

‘...And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here's a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!”’

INTERESTING AND INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

'You're only given a little spark of madness, you mustn't lose it.'

*

‘You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.’

*

'Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready".'

*

‘She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.’

*

‘Reality… what a concept.’

*

‘Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.’

*

‘I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.’

*

'As beatific as Gandhi was, I'm sure there was some guy in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi . . . he was a prick".'

*

‘In America they really do mythologise people when they die.’

*

‘When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.’

*

‘Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.’

*

'Comedy is acting out optimism.'

*

'No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.'

*

‘What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.’

*

“It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you -- when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.”

*

‘There is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.’

*

‘Only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.’

*

‘You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.’

*

‘You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.’

*

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

QUOTES FROM HIS FILMS

Mrs Doubtfire

Mrs Doubtfire: 'He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.'

Miranda: 'How awful. He was an alcoholic?'

Mrs Doubtfire: 'No, he was hit by a Guinness truck.'

*

‘If there’s love, dear… those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet. You’re going to be all right. Bye bye.’

*

"My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes!"

Dead Poets Society

‘Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.’

*

‘We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.’

Death to Smoochy

‘Friends come in all sizes, take it from me! Golly gee, size doesn’t matter, when you want some friendly patter from a pal who is true.’

The Fisher King

‘There’s three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.’

Good Morning Vietnam

‘Goooooood morning, Vietnam! It’s 0600 hours. What does the ‘O’ stand for? O my God, it’s early!’

Toys

‘I’d hug you, but your body is over there.’

Hook

‘To live would be an awfully big adventure.’

Mork & Mindy

‘He stole your necklace, he stole your ribs, he’s obviously not kosher’

*

‘Look, if I wanted a pen and coffee I'd have mugged a waitress.’

*

‘Nanu Nanu’

Good Will Hunting

‘You don’t know about real loss because it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.’

Aladdin

‘Oh, to be free! Not to have to go, ‘Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need?’ To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasure in the world.’

*

‘Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! Not right now! You're gettin' your wishes, so sit down!’

Jack

‘Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day, make a wish, and think of me. Make your life spectacular.’

WHAT OTHERS HAVE SAID ABOUT HIM

‘My friendship with Robin Williams is one of the real joys of my life … Robin is a person who gives to people 24 hours a day. The gift of joy, the gift of laughter. Just to be in a room with Robin Williams is a privilege. He’s a gift to the world.’

Christopher Reeve

*

‘What hurts most about the apparent suicide of Robin Williams is that as much as he achieved, he died in his own mind unfulfilled. And to an extent, he was unfulfilled — he never found a form that would capture the genius of his stand-up act or his early appearances on The Tonight Show, when his mind worked faster than anyone alive and very possibly dead, when he seemed to be channeling a fleet of circling UFOs containing the galaxy’s best comedy writers. The man didn’t need to play a sitcom alien to seem as if he had his own extraterrestrial energy field.’

David Edelstein, Vulture.com

*

‘I don't think I've met anyone as exceptional as Robin was … every moment … could be explosive any which-way, you didn’t know where it was going to go, you didn’t know even where it came from, he seemed to be able to channel the Cosmos, and at the same time he was always totally involved with the people around him, he really had a close touch with everybody he touched.’

Terry Gilliam

*

‘So many times you meet people they don't impact you. You meet them and they're gracious and they're nice, and then there are sometimes when you meet somebody and they say one thing and for the rest of your life you carry that one thing and they don't even know that they impacted your life. So here's Robin Williams fully decked out in elephantiasis makeup, like he was the Elephant Man, and we were talking and I'm being super quiet, and he just kind of turns to me and he said, “What's your name?”

And I said, “I'm Mila.”

And he said, “Yeah? You're on '70s?” And then he said, “Remember this moment. Remember this because things like this don't happen very often. Remember this time.”

Having somebody of Robin Williams' stature tell me to just acknowledge something meant so much. He didn't mentor me. He just said, “Step back and appreciate this. You're having an amazing time.” I was so nervous. And he said, “Relax. And don't forget to enjoy yourself because things like this don't happen to everyone.” … All he did was say, "Enjoy yourself and don't forget this." Like: "Just take a breath and acknowledge that you have an amazing opportunity.”

Mila Kunis

*

Robin Williams was an airman, a doctor, a genie, a nanny, a president, a professor, a bangarang Peter Pan, and everything in between. But he was one of a kind. He arrived in our lives as an alien – but he ended up touching every element of the human spirit. He made us laugh. He made us cry. He gave his immeasurable talent freely and generously to those who needed it most – from our troops stationed abroad to the marginalised on our own streets. The Obama family offers our condolences to Robin’s family, his friends, and everyone who found their voice and their verse thanks to Robin Williams.

Barack Obama

*

‘Most comics are linear – they plod from subject to subject – but with Robin it was as if it was all fresh and new every single night. This seemed impossible, and indeed it was. It was only through watching him that I saw that what seemed spontaneous was in fact the result of a huge amount of work. Eventually, if you watched long enough, the same bits came around again (though never in the same order), so you could see that he had a massive store of maybe four hours of material backed up in his brain and that he would bring the material out as he needed it. Seeing the craft he brought to bear on his act – that it wasn’t magic but just sheer hard work – only increased my admiration for him.’

Alexei Sayle

*

‘Robin Williams, tower of raw and unfiltered talent, is a force this world will not experience again anytime soon. Our prayers and thoughts are with the Williams family.’

Henry Winkler (The Fonz)

*

We lost Robin - first witnessed his genius as he created Mork before our eyes in two hours on set. A Force. A Sweet Soul. A Brilliant Artist.

*

‘Robin was a lightning storm of comic genius and our laughter was the thunder that sustained him. He was a pal and I can't believe he's gone.’

Steven Spielberg

*

‘Robin Williams made the world laugh & think. I will remember & honour that. A great man, artist and friend. I will miss him beyond measure.’

Kevin Spacey

*

‘So sad to think about this. Hard to speak. Hard to say. Hard to take. All I can think about is what a joy he was to be with. I'm devastated. My heart is broken by this news.’

Danny DeVito

*

‘Robin was both my friend and my hero, a unique talent and a kind and generous man; the world will be a much poorer place without him.’

Billy Connolly

*

‘I never met anyone who loved making people laugh more than Robin.’

Minnie Driver

*

‘Just so damn sad. This guy made so many people happy. There will always be that.’

Michael Keaton

*

‘Robin was as sweet a man as he was funny. If you're sad, please tell someone.’

Jimmy Kimmel

*

‘I've never known a sweeter, brighter, more considerate person that Robin. Robin's commitment as an artist to lifting our mood and making us happy is compared to none. He loved us all and we loved him back.’

John Travolta

*

‘I can't believe my lovely friend is gone. My heart goes out to his wife and his beloved children. He brought us so much joy and laughter.’

Eric Idle

SOME INTERESTING FACTS

Robin Williams was a keen cyclist and was known to occasionally train with Lance Armstrong.

Williams and his ex-wife named their daughter Zelda. However, it was neither of them that came up with it; it was their son, Zachary. Upon hearing the name they thought it was a great idea.

Williams owned a vineyard in California. He joked that this was akin to “Gandhi owning a delicatessen”.

The majority of his lines as Genie in Aladdin were completely improvised. Apparently, this resulted in the film’s bid for the Academy Awards’ ‘Best Adapted Screenplay’ category being rejected.

He said that his favourite celebrity to impersonate was Jack Nicholson, and that he thought Dana Carvey’s impersonation of himself was the best.

Upon auditioning for the role of Mork (originally in Happy Days), when producer Garry Marshall asked him to sit dow, Williams sat on his head in the chair. Garry Marshall hired him, saying that he was the only alien who auditioned.

During the Mork & Mindy era, script writers used to deliberately leave gaps in the scripts, writing only “Mork can go off here”, leaving Williams with the opportunity to improvise in these gaps.

Williams fell out with Disney because they used his voiceover in Aladdin to sell merchandise. He objected to his voice being used to sell stuff. Disney sent him a Picasso painting by way of apology.

He was a big fan of rugby union and supported the New Zealand All Blacks.

In 1996 he had two films (Jumanji and The Birdcage) reach the huge milestone of $100 million during the same week.

Williams was reportedly voted ‘most humorous’ and ‘least likely to succeed’ during high school.

Billy Connolly, a good friend of Williams’, refers to his (Williams’) arms as Quest for Fire opera gloves.

He co-owned the Rubicon restaurant in San Francisco with Robert De Niro and Francis Ford Coppola.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Quotes About Other Celebrities and Politicians

Comedy Quotes

What He Said About Himself

Interesting and Inspirational Quotes

Quotes from His Films

What Others Have Said About Him

Some Interesting Facts