THE CLOTHES HAVE NO EMPEROR

REAGAN CENTENNIAL EDITION

PAUL SLANSKY

VidLit Press

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Santa Monica, CA 90403

Copyright © 1989, 2011 by Paul Slansky

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, contact paulslansky@gmail.com

http://theclotheshavenoemperor.com

Designed by Kristina Romero

Cover design by Adrienne Martin from the painting

CONTRA DICTION by Robbie Conal

ISBN:  978-0-9831841-1-9

ALSO BY PAUL SLANSKY

The Little Quiz Book of Big Political Sex Scandals

Idiots, Hypocrites, Demagogues, and More Idiots

My Bad: The Apology Anthology

The George W. Bush Quiz Book

Dan Quayle: Airhead Apparent (with Steve Radlauer)

For anyone tempted to believe the hype

Ronald Reagan is a man of benign remoteness and no psychological curiosity, either about himself or others. He considers his life to have been unremarkable. He gives nothing of himself to intimates (if one can use such a noun in such a phrase), believing that he has no self to give. In the White House he wrote hundreds of personal letters, and obediently kept an eight-year diary, but the handwritten sentences, while graceful and grammatical (never an erasure, never a flaw of spelling or punctuation!) are about as revelatory of the man behind them as the calligraphy of a copyist.

– EDMUND MORRIS, his official biographer

INTRODUCTION

"What kind of governor would you be?"

"I don't know. I've never played a governor."

--Ronald Reagan answering a reporter's query during his 1966 campaign for the California statehouse

Spoiler alert! I was not a Reagan fan.

When I was a kid, Ronald Reagan meant nothing to me. My parents watched The Dinah Shore Chevy Hour on Sundays at 9pm so I never saw him hosting and shilling on G.E. Theater, nor did I ever see any of his movies (not even his chimp epic Bedtime for Bonzo). Growing up in New York, Reagan's governorship of California wasn't something I was particularly conscious of, though whatever I did see or hear of him made me pretty sure he wasn't my guy. (In the late '60s, that pomaded pompadour really said it all.) Besides, Richard M. Nixon – whose dark essence I'd been fascinated by since having been unnerved by his countenance during that first debate with JFK – was running for President, and then he was President, and keeping tabs on him took up pretty much all the time I could afford to devote to politics.

Reagan didn't really break through for me until 1970, when I was in college. Having taken office with a clear animus toward the youth movement, he was asked a question about campus protesters and responded with the witless movie-tough-guy remark, "If it takes a bloodbath, let's get it over with. No more appeasement." What, I thought, an asshole. (The next month, the bloodbath occurred at Kent State in Ohio.)

Four years later he was back on my radar screen. Those were the days when, if you can even imagine it, the crazed radicals were on the left, and their anti-establishment protests occasionally took illegal forms. One such blow against the empire was the kidnapping of newspaper heiress and UC Berkeley student Patty Hearst by a motley crew of idealists and criminals calling itself the Symbionese Liberation Army. Among their ransom demands was the delivery of millions of dollars worth of food to the poor. Shining a klieg light on his moral obtuseness, Governor Reagan observed, "It's just too bad we can't have an epidemic of botulism."

That was it for me. Anyone who could say something so stupid – so not just politically but humanly incorrect – was unredeemable to me, inconceivable as a political leader worthy of any respect. Idiotically, I assumed that someone like that could never win the presidency – an assumption I held right up until a little past 8pm on Election Night 1980.

The Reagan years were not fun for those of us who noticed that the nation's history was being fictionalized as it occurred. A depressingly large number of Americans really didn't want to hear about it. An actor – and a bad actor at that – was playing the President, and the media "watchdogs" were all too happy to become bit players in the hit TV show his presidency became. Illusion was embraced as reality.

I did not find the President's ignorance charming. I was appalled by his laziness and repelled by his callousness toward the less fortunate, all the more so because of his pious claims of compassion. I was unwarmed by his genial head-waggling, unreassured by his stern frowns of manly purpose, uncheered by his hearty waves as he strolled to and from his helicopters with the blades whirring all the while to insure that he couldn't hear – or have to answer – reporters' questions.

His smooth purr did not soothe me. His nostalgic fables about an America that never was did not inspire me. And his canned one-liners, perversely celebrated as "wit" ("It's just the 31st anniversary of my 39th birthday") definitely did not amuse me.

Tens of millions of voters, humbled by their recent presidential preferences, were thrilled to have elected someone who they thought at least looked the part, but all I could see was the emptiness of his suit. This President was a pitchman who seemed not to exist when the camera light was off, a front man so personally invisible that he'd actually called his autobiography Where's the Rest of Me?, an aging ham who'd spent way too much of his time watching – or at least thinking about – his old movies. President Norman Desmond.

Astonished that so few seemed to share my vision, I was compelled to document the surreality. Armed with the tools of the pre-Internet era – scissors, file folders, yellow highlight pens and VCRs – I began gathering the material for what would become this book. Publishers were not exactly lining up. "He's too popular, no one will buy it." "What if he's not re-elected?" "What if he dies?" Only by disguising it as a history of the '80s and including other politicians, public figures and pop culture icons did I manage to get a book deal.

The Clothes Have No Emperor has been out of print for two decades, but the 61st anniversary of Reagan's 39th birthday and the inevitable attendant hoopla about his ostensible greatness provides the perfect occasion to bring it back and remind those who lived through it, and inform those who didn't, of how truly detrimental his presidency was, and how so much of what's wrong with the country today can be traced to his administration.

PROLOGUE

At 10:10 a.m. on Election Day 1980, Ronald Reagan and his wife, Nancy, arrive at their Pacific Palisades, California polling place. Reporters shout questions at the candidate, who smiles and says, "I can't answer till I get on my mark." Though his victory seems likely, he refuses to predict it. "You know me," he says, placing himself squarely on the taped cross showing where he's supposed to stand. "I'm too superstitious to answer anything like that." His wife nudges him and quietly says, "Cautiously optimistic." Reagan takes his cue. "Yes," he says, "I'm cautiously optimistic."

As they leave, he is asked who he voted for. He smiles and says, "Nancy."

NOVEMBER 1980

11/4/80

At 8:15pm EST, with a mere five percent of the vote counted, NBC declares former Hollywood actor Ronald Reagan the 40th President of the United States. When it's all over, Reagan and running mate George Bush have won – 43,901,812 to 35,483,820 in the popular vote, and 489-49 in the electoral college – and the Democrats have lost the Senate for the first time since 1954. Among the losers are veteran liberals George McGovern, Frank Church and Birch Bayh, who is defeated by two-term congressman J. Danforth Quayle.

"I'm not bitter," says President Jimmy Carter, who concedes the election hours before polls in the west have closed. "Rosalynn is, but I'm not." Adds the First Lady, "I'm bitter enough for all of us."

11/6/80

Nancy Reagan – whose husband calls her "Mommy" – reveals how they learned the results of the election: "Ronnie had just gotten out of the shower and he was standing in his robe, and I had just gotten out of the bath and I was standing in my robe, and we had the television on, naturally, when NBC projected him the winner. We turned to each other and said, 'Somehow this doesn't seem to be the way it's supposed to be.'"

11/10/80

CBS newsman Dan Rather gets into a dispute with Chicago cab driver Eugene Phillips, who has gotten lost following Rather's directions. When he tries to get out without paying, the cabbie – unaware of his passenger's identity – drives off in search of a cop. Rather sticks his head and shoulders out the window, waves his arms and shouts that he is being kidnapped. The police, unsurprisingly, take the side of the powerful network star, and Phillips is charged with disorderly conduct. CBS says it will pay the $12.55 fare.

11/12/80

New York mayor Ed Koch tells a radio audience that he, "like everyone else," once tried marijuana. And, like everyone else who publicly admits such a thing, he claims not to have liked it.

11/14/80

Despite President-elect Reagan's claim that no personnel decisions have been made, his transition team announces two key appointments: Bush campaign head James Baker III as chief of staff and long-time Reagan aide Edwin Meese III as White House counselor with Cabinet rank.

11/18/80

Flocking to the Cinema I theater for the hot-ticket screening of Michael Cimino's wildly expensive western, Heaven's Gate, New York's media elite finds itself enduring a 219-minute exercise in pretentious self-indulgence. "Why aren't they drinking the champagne?" Cimino asks at intermission. "Because," his publicist explains, "they hate the movie, Michael."

The next day, New York Times critic Vincent Canby writes,"Heaven's Gate fails so completely that you might suspect Mr. Cimino sold his soul to the devil to obtain the success of The Deer Hunter, and the devil has just come around to collect ... For all the time and money that went into it, it's jerry-built, a ship that slides straight to the bottom at its christening ... Heaven's Gate is something quite rare in movies these days – an unqualified disaster." The film is pulled from release by United Artists for some serious editing.

11/20/80

President-elect Reagan arrives at the White House to receive a job briefing from President Carter, who later reveals that Reagan asked few questions and took no notes, asking instead for a copy of Carter's presentation.

11/20/80

Nancy Reagan tells The Washington Post that she and her husband are going to set an example for "a return to a higher sense of morality" when they move into the White House, explaining, "It kind of filters down from the top somehow."

11/21/80

After eight months of saturation hype, more than 41 million of America's nearly 78 million households tune in to Dallas to learn that Sue Ellen's sister Kristin shot J.R. Ewing.

11/23/80

"Running the government is like running General Motors. It's twice General Motors or three times General Motors – but it's General Motors ... The Cabinet secretaries will be like the presidents of Chevrolet and Pontiac ... Chevrolet competes with Pontiac. Competition is good. But their competition stops at what is good for General Motors."

--Reagan crony Alfred Bloomingdale

11/24/80

Amidst a swirl of rumors about his alleged homosexuality, Ronald Prescott Reagan, 22 – son of the President-elect – heads down to Manhattan Supreme Court to marry his girlfriend Doria Palmieri, 29. "I'm very happy," says Nancy Reagan in California, though The New York Times describes her demeanor as "notably subdued."

11/27/80

At halftime during its Thanksgiving football game, CBS interviews President-elect Ronald Reagan, who reminisces about his days as a radio sportscaster and fondly recalls his penchant for enhancing the events by "making things up."

11/28/80

President-elect Reagan goes to Beverly Hills for a haircut at Drucker's barber shop. Owner Harry Drucker says he has been cutting Reagan's hair exactly the same way for 40 years, describing it as "a traditional haircut, a conservative haircut ... It isn't," he says redundantly, "a hippie-type haircut." And, he says with a straight face, the 69-year-old Reagan does not dye his hair.

DECEMBER 1980

12/2/80

Government forces in El Salvador shoot four US churchwomen to death.

12/8/80

After lurking outside New York's Dakota apartment building for several days, cipher Mark David Chapman gets John Lennon to autograph a copy of his new album, Double Fantasy, as he and Yoko Ono leave for the recording studio to put the finishing touches on her new single, "Walking On Thin Ice." When they return, Chapman shows his gratitude by pumping four bullets into Lennon from behind. Though he is rushed to the hospital in a police car, the former Beatle dies within minutes. "Do you know what you just did?" asks the Dakota doorman. Says Chapman calmly, "I just shot John Lennon." Six months later he pleads guilty to second degree murder and is sentenced to 20 years to life, with a general understanding in society that this guy is never coming out. Either he is still in prison as you read this or he is dead.

12/10/80

Radio commentator Paul Harvey scoffs at the renewed calls for gun control in the wake of John Lennon's murder. "Well, now, wait a minute," Harvey says. "Death has claimed a lot of rock musicians prematurely, and none with guns. Keith Moon and Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix OD'd on drugs, and Elvis Presley and Brian Jones and John Bonham ... Plane crashes killed Jim Croce and Otis Redding and Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, Ronnie Van Zant. In fact, Lennon at forty lived much longer than most of those." So, it turns out John was really kind of lucky.

12/11/80

Rupert Murdoch's New York Post favors its readers with a front-page morgue photo of John Lennon.

12/11/80

Nancy Reagan reveals that she keeps a gun in a drawer near her bed. "Ronnie was away a lot, you know," she explains, "and I was alone in that house." And what kind of gun is it? She laughs. "It's just a tiny little gun."

12/11/80

President-elect Reagan's first eight Cabinet appointments – including Donald Regan (Treasury), David Stockman (Budget Director), Caspar Weinberger (Defense) and William Casey (CIA) – are announced. Reagan not only doesn't attend the half-hour ceremony but he can't even be bothered to watch all of it on TV. A statement is released in his name calling this group "the exact combination to create the new beginning the American people expect and deserve."

12/12/80

The day after being named US Attorney General – the nation's highest law enforcement officer – William French Smith travels to Rancho Mirage, California to attend a 65th birthday party for Frank Sinatra.

12/12/80

Denying a report that Nancy Reagan "can't understand" why the Carters don't move into Blair House during the transition so she can have a head start on redecorating the White House, a spokesperson explains that the First Lady-in-waiting merely suggested that she might do that favor for the next First Family. Says one Carter aide, "I wouldn't be surprised if we have to fend off the moving vans."

12/16/80

In Beverly Hills, President-elect Reagan stops by Drucker's for another haircut.

12/17/80

Bernice Brown, wife of former California governor Pat Brown, says that after her husband was defeated by Ronald Reagan in 1966, Nancy's secretary called to ask them to move out of the governor's mansion several days early. "They said they needed extra time," she says, "to wash windows and wax floors and all that."

12/17/80

Long-time Reagan aide and Nancy devotee Michael Deaver is named deputy White House chief of staff.

12/18/80

Washington Post: REAGAN ON THE SIDELINES / HE OFTEN SEEMS REMOTE FROM TRANSITION

12/19/80

Washington Post: REAGAN 'IS REALLY RUNNING THINGS,' MEESE TELLS PRESS

12/28/80

"I don't think you pay ransom for people that have been kidnapped by barbarians."

--President-elect Reagan dismissing Iran's conditions for the release of the 52 American hostages

12/30/80

President-elect Reagan gets, of all things, another haircut.

12/31/80

Nancy Reagan is reported to be insisting that whoever is hired as her husband's press secretary must be "reasonably good-looking."

12/31/80

In Evergreen, Colorado, 25-year-old John W. Hinckley Jr. – depressed over the murder of John Lennon – sits alone in his parents' house, drinking peach brandy and recording a New Year's Eve message. "I don't know what's gonna happen this year. It's just gonna be insanity," he says. "Jodie is the only thing that matters now. Anything that I might do in 1981 would be solely for Jodie Foster's sake ... It's time for me to go to bed. It's after midnight. It's the New Year, 1981. Hallelujah!"

JANUARY 1981

1/4/81

Writing about the Sinatra birthday bash, columnist William Safire points out that maybe it wasn't such a good idea for Attorney General-designate William French Smith to have attended a salute to "a man obviously proud to be close to notorious hoodlums." The President-elect's reaction? "Yeah, I know. We've heard those things about Frank for years, and we just hope none of them are true."

1/6/81

President-elect Reagan – himself! – announces the appointment of pudgy, balding James Brady as White House press secretary. Asked if Brady's visuals have been approved by Nancy, the usually genial Reagan gets testy. "I am getting to be an irate husband at some of the things I am reading," he says of his wife's astonishing knack for alienation, "none of which are true."

1/9/81

With his departure for Washington imminent, President-elect Reagan stops by Drucker's to squeeze in one last trim.

1/13/81

President-elect Reagan is presented with a huge jar of jellybeans at a farewell ceremony in Los Angeles, which prompts his reminiscence about passing the jellybean jar around the table during his days as governor. "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character, if a fellow just picks out one color or grabs a handful," he says, though exactly what one can tell from this is left unrevealed.

1/17/81

The most expensive Inaugural celebration in American history – an $11 million four-day parade of limousines, white ties and mink that prompts Reagan partisan Barry Goldwater to complain about such an "ostentatious" display "at a time when most people can't hack it" – gets underway in Washington.

1/18/81

"Friends have urged me to run for governor in Nevada. Others have told me to try for the US Senate. And I'm thinking about both."

--Las Vegas singer Wayne Newton, taking a break from coordinating the entertainment at the inaugural balls to speculate on his ultimately nonexistent political future

1/19/81

"I'm so proud that you're First Lady, Nancy / And so pleased that I'm sort of a chum / The next eight years will be fancy / As fancy as they come."

--Frank Sinatra at the Inaugural gala that he organized, produced and directed, revising his classic "Nancy with the Laughing Face" (originally about his daughter) to "Nancy with the Reagan Face"

1/19/81

President Carter appears in the White House briefing room at 4:56 a.m. to announce "an agreement with Iran that will result, I believe, in the freedom of our American hostages."

Criticizing the deal, a Reagan aide huffs, "This Administration will not negotiate with barbarians or terrorists."

1/20/81

Just before 9 a.m. Michael Deaver, stunned that the President-elect is still sleeping, enters his bedroom to remind him that he's "going to be inaugurated." Says Reagan, "Does that mean I have to get up?"

At noon, promising an "era of national renewal," Ronald Wilson Reagan becomes the oldest man to take the oath of office as President of the United States. In a stunning coincidence, just as he completes his speech, the 52 hostages held in Tehran for 444 days begin their journey home. Suspicion lingers to this day about whether behind-the-scenes machinations by the Reagan transition team – machinations which would have been nothing less than treasonous – might have played a part in delaying this moment for days or even weeks in order that it might provide this spectacular opening to the eight-year-long movie about to unfold.

Later, President Reagan visits Tip O'Neill's office, where the House Speaker shows him a desk that was used by Grover Cleveland. Reagan claims to have portrayed him in a movie. O'Neill points out that Reagan in fact played Grover Cleveland Alexander, the baseball player, not Grover Cleveland, the President.

1/21/81

At his first Cabinet meeting, President Reagan is asked if the Administration has plans to issue an expected Executive Order on cost-cutting. He shrugs. Then, noticing Budget Director David Stockman nodding emphatically, he adds, "I have a smiling fellow at the end of the table who tells me we do."

1/21/81

On his first full day on the job as National Security Adviser, Richard Allen receives $1,000 and a pair of Seiko watches from Japanese journalists as a tip for arranging an interview with Nancy Reagan.

1/23/81

A Bit of History, the nation's first museum honoring Richard M. Nixon – well, actually it's more of a roadside coffee shop housing some cheesy Nixon memorabilia – opens in San Clemente, California. "We call it 'A Bit of History,'" explains manager Peter Mitchell, "because, of all the history in the United States, this is just a little bit."

1/26/81

Peter McCoy, Nancy Reagan's chief of staff, complains that the Oval Office furniture is threadbare. "And," he adds, with some pique, "in my office, we have to have mousetraps. Mousetraps! Why doesn't somebody write an article about that?"

1/27/81

Welcoming the hostages home, President Reagan puts the world on notice that the US will deal with any future such incidents quite severely. "Our policy," he declares, "will be one of swift and effective retribution." When the band strikes up "Hail to the Chief," Reagan puts his hand over his heart. "Oh!" he says. "I thought this was the national anthem."

1/28/81

At his first press conference as Secretary of State, Alexander Haig refers to himself as the "vicar" of foreign policy.

1/29/81

"Their goal must be the promotion of world revolution and a one-world Socialist or Communist state ... They reserve unto themselves the right to commit any crime, to lie, to cheat, in order to attain that."

--President Reagan at his first press conference, letting the Soviets know he's not really so interested in being friends

FEBRUARY 1981

2/2/81

At his hearing to become Under-secretary of State, Reagan crony William Clark is subjected to a current events quiz. Is he familiar with the struggles within the British Labour Party? He is not. Does he know which European nations don't want US nuclear weapons on their soil? He does not. Can he name the Prime Minister of South Africa? He cannot. The Prime Minister of Zimbabwe? "It would be a guess." Despite his wide-ranging ignorance, he is confirmed.

2/5/81

Testifying before Congress, Interior Secretary James Watt – of whom President Reagan says, "I think he's an environmentalist himself, as I think I am" – is asked if he agrees that natural resources must be preserved for future generations. Yes, Watt says, but "I do not know how many future generations we can count on before the Lord returns."

2/5/81

On the eve of her husband's 70th birthday party, Nancy Reagan flies her manicurist, Jessica Vartoughian, in from Los Angeles.

2/6/81

"It's just the 31st anniversary of my 39th birthday."

--President Reagan on turning 70

2/11/81

Labor Secretary Raymond Donovan eases requirements for the labeling of hazardous chemicals in the workplace.

2/18/81

President Reagan warns a joint session of Congress that the national debt is approaching $1 trillion. And how big is that? "A trillion dollars," he explains, "would be a stack of $1,000 bills 67 miles high." In other words, very big.

2/21/81

New York Times: REAGAN CHOPS WOOD AS TOP AIDES PREPARE TO SELL HIS BUDGET CUTS

MARCH 1981

3/3/81

In an interview with Walter Cronkite, President Reagan cites a 1938 speech by President Franklin Roosevelt in which he "called on the free world to quarantine Nazi Germany." In fact, FDR made no such speech.

3/5/81

"Well, the 'tiny little gun' disappeared quite a long time ago. I had the 'tiny little gun' when my husband was away a great deal of the time and I was alone and I was advised to have the 'tiny little gun.'"

--Nancy Reagan revealing that she is an ex-owner of diminutive weaponry

3/6/81

"Jodie Foster Love, just wait. I'll rescue you very soon. Please cooperate. J.W.H."

--Text of a letter hand-delivered at 1 a.m. to actress Jodie Foster's Yale dormitory

3/6/81

New York Times: REAGAN IS MOVING TO END PROGRAM THAT PAYS FOR LEGAL AID TO THE POOR

3/6/81

President Reagan holds his second press conference – the first in American history for which the order of the questioners has been determined by the President drawing names out of a jellybean jar. Many of the unchosen – among them, reporters from NBC, ABC and AP – boycott the event, and the system is quickly abandoned.

3/6/81

"And that's the way it is, Friday, March 6th, 1981. I'll be away on assignment and Dan Rather will be sitting in here for the next few years. Good night."

--Avuncular, reassuring Walter Cronkite anchoring his last evening newscast after being retired insanely prematurely by CBS to prevent twitchy, anxiety-inducing Rather from moving to ABC

3/6/81

Washington Post gossip columnist Maxine Cheshire reports that lobbyist and recent Playboy model Paula Parkinson – who last year shared a vacation home with three House members – has videotaped several others in her bedroom. A spokesman for Sen. Dan Quayle (R-IN) says that though the then-congressman was a guest at that Florida golfing weekend, he "doesn't remember anyone by the name of Paula Parkinson." Adds Quayle's wife Marilyn, "Anyone who knows Dan Quayle knows he would rather play golf than have sex any day." Parkinson refrains from responding, "Anyone who knows Marilyn Quayle knows why."

3/6/81

"Jodie, Goodbye! I love you six trillion times. Don't you maybe like me just a little bit? ... It would make all of this worthwhile. John Hinckley, of course."

--Text of a letter hand-delivered at 4 a.m. to actress Jodie Foster's Yale dormitory

3/16/81

President Reagan stuns Los Angeles Times theater critic Dan Sullivan by calling and asking him to plug his friend Buddy Ebsen's play, Turn to the Right. Sullivan takes the opportunity to berate Reagan for cutting funding for the arts, suggesting there might be some boondoggles in the Defense Department. Yes, replies the President, $4 billion worth, "and we've caught them!"

3/17/81

Hosting a party for the Special Olympics committee, Henry Kissinger thanks Warner Brothers "for making the story of my life in Superman and following it up with Superman II," thus proving that he belongs in the Special Olympics for humor.

3/18/81

"If I didn't own them, somebody else would ... It's much ado about nothing."

--White House aide Lyn Nofziger responding to charges that three Baltimore slums he owns should have been boarded up months ago

3/20/81

The State Department explains that Alexander Haig was simply expressing "one theory" when he suggested that the four American nuns shot to death in El Salvador might have been killed while trying to "run a roadblock."

3/24/81

President Reagan puts Vice President Bush in charge of the administration's "crisis management" team, making Alexander Haig – whose high opinion of his own abilities is exceeded only by his contempt for Bush's – very unhappy.

3/30/81

Following a speech at the Washington Hilton, President Reagan is shot in the chest by John W. Hinckley Jr. Three others are also injured, including press secretary James Brady, who survives a bullet to the brain after being reported dead on all three networks.

When the President sees Nancy at the hospital, he reportedly says, "Honey, I forgot to duck" – a line originally spoken by Jack Dempsey to his wife after being beaten by Gene Tunney in 1926. As he enters the operating room, he reportedly asks the surgeons, "Please tell me you're Republicans." A bullet is removed from his left lung. When he comes out of anesthesia, he reportedly begins scribbling humorous notes to the nurses: "All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia." "Send me to L.A., where I can see the air I'm breathing." "Does Nancy know about us?" Key word here, of course: reportedly.

During the operation, Alexander Haig rushes to the White House briefing room where, trembling and with his voice cracking, he seeks to reassure our allies that the government continues to function: "As of now, I am in control here, in the White House, pending return of the vice president." Afterward, Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger confronts Haig and informs him that he has misstated the line of succession, which actually places the Speaker of the House and the president pro tempore of the Senate ahead of the Secretary of State. Snarls Haig, "Look, you better go home and read your Constitution, buddy. That's the way it is."

An ABC News/Washington Post poll shows that President Reagan's popularity rating went up 11 points after he was shot, though not everybody suddenly adores him. One student writes in his college newspaper that he hopes Reagan dies of his wounds, prompting Nancy to inquire about the possibility of prosecuting him.

3/31/81

Unmailed correspondence found in his Washington hotel room suggests that John W. Hinckley Jr. had become obsessed with actress Jodie Foster after repeatedly viewing Taxi Driver, in which she played a 12-year-old prostitute.

On a postcard with a photo of the Reagans he has written, "Dear Jodie, Don't they make a darling couple? Nancy is downright sexy. One day you and I will occupy the White House and the peasants will drool with envy. Until then, please do your best to remain a virgin. You are a virgin, aren't you? Love, John."

"Jodie," one letter reads, "I would abandon this idea of getting Reagan in a second if I could only win your heart and live out the rest of my life with you . . . I just cannot wait any longer to impress you ..."

Foster issues no public statement about the state of her virginity or the degree to which she has been impressed.

3/31/81

With the Academy Awards having been delayed a night because of the Reagan shooting, Robert DeNiro wins an Oscar for his performance as Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. As it happens, reporters are far more interested in discussing Travis Bickle, the character he played in the heavily Hinckley-viewed Taxi Driver.

APRIL 1981

4/1/81

CNN airs a videotape of psychic Tamara Rand "predicting" the Reagan shooting on a Las Vegas talk show reportedly taped on January 6th. Rand said she felt Reagan was in danger "at the end of March" from "a thud" in the "chest area" caused by "shots all over the place" from the gun of a "fair-haired" young man named something like "Jack Humley."

4/3/81

President Reagan poses with Nancy at the hospital. The photo released to the press is carefully cropped to hide the IV tubes hooked up to his left arm.

4/5/81

Talk show host Dick Maurice admits that Tamara Rand's astonishing prediction of the Reagan assassination attempt was actually taped the day after the shooting. Still, she had it pegged pretty close.

4/13/81

Washington Post reporter Janet Cooke wins the Pulitzer Prize for her story about an eight-year-old heroin addict, which, it unfortunately turns out, she totally made up.

4/15/81

Former FBI officials W. Mark Felt and Edward S. Miller, convicted of authorizing illegal break-ins during the Nixon years, are pardoned by President Reagan, who claims they served the nation "with great distinction." Decades later, Felt will reveal himself to have been the infamous Watergate source "Deep Throat."

4/25/81

Maureen Reagan, 40, marries her third husband, 28-year-old Dennis Revell, in Los Angeles. The couple exchange self-penned vows: "I love you because you're going to let me be me." At the last minute, the First Couple sends word that they will be unable to attend, thus avoiding the eagerly anticipated encounter between Nancy Reagan and Maureen's mom, Jane Wyman.

Two months later, Maureen makes a commercial for a mail-order acne lotion.

4/27/81

"It's as if somebody called every household in the country and said, 'There will be a curse on your family if you go see this picture.'"

--United Artists Vice president Jerry Esbin on the streamlined 148-minute version of Heaven's Gate's pathetic $1.3 million opening weekend

4/30/81

A New York Times/CBS News poll reports that only 25 percent of the public knows that El Salvador is in Central America, with 28% placing it in South America. Others think it's "around Israel" and in "Louisiana, near Baton Rouge."

MAY 1981

5/9/81

New York Times: C.I.A. SEEKS LAW FOR SURPRISE SEARCHES OF NEWSROOMS

5/10/81

Washington Post: REAGAN WANTS TO ABOLISH CONSUMER PRODUCT AGENCY

5/11/81

Musician Bob Marley dies at 36 of brain and lung cancer.

5/11/81

Ed Meese calls the American Civil Liberties Union "a criminals' lobby."

5/13/81

TV viewers jam the switchboards of stations across America to complain that their soap operas and game shows have been preempted by coverage of the shooting of Pope John Paul II.

5/14/81

A bitter Michael Reagan says he'll resign from his job at a military supply firm after a letter he wrote on March 24th – in which he invoked his father's name on a business solicitation – becomes public. "It's just so silly," he says. "Somebody else can write a letter to the military bases ... and say, 'Hey, I think Ronald Reagan's a great President.' I write a letter and say my Dad's a great President and I have the press on my doorstep." And did Dad have any advice? "Don't write any letters."

5/17/81

"His vision, now as then, has a compelling simplicity about it."

--Honorary degree awarded to President Reagan by Notre Dame, where he emitted the first of umpteen bazillion utterances of the phrase "Win one for the Gipper" 41 years earlier while filming Knute Rockne – All American

5/21/81

New York Times: WHITE HOUSE SEEKS EASED BRIBERY ACT / SAYS 1977 LAW INHIBITS BUSINESS ABROAD BY U.S. CORPORATIONS

5/21/81

The US casts one of only three votes against a World Health Organization ethics code preventing the sale of American infant formulas to Third World countries, where their use with contaminated water has killed thousands.

5/31/81

Newsweek publishes a rare cover story on art, "The Revival of Realism," illustrating it with a very realistic painting of a bare-breasted woman.

JUNE 1981

6/5/81

The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta issues a report about unexplained outbreaks of a kind of pneumonia that usually affects only cancer patients. All five cases described – as well as six others under study – are homosexual men in their 20s or 30s. "The best we can say," says epidemiologist Wayne Shandera, "is that somehow the pneumonia appears to be related to gay life style."

6/12/81

Major league baseball's first-ever mid-season strike begins.

6/12/81

President Reagan fails to recognize his only black Cabinet member, Housing Secretary Samuel Pierce, at a White House reception for big-city mayors. "How are you, Mr. Mayor?" he greets Pierce. "I'm glad to meet you. How are things in your city?"

6/13/81

At 12:30 a.m. a venerable television tradition – giving madman Charles Manson air time in an effort to boost ratings – is born, as NBC devotes 90 minutes to an interview conducted by Tom Snyder at California's Vacaville prison. The show is produced by former Nixon media man Roger Ailes. Among the burning questions answered: Was Manson a heavy drug user? "No, I smoked a little grass, and I've taken some acid, mescaline, psilocybin, peyote, mushrooms, but actually take dope? No. I wouldn't take anything that I feel would hurt me."

6/16/81

President Reagan holds his third press conference, where he responds to questions on:

*The Israeli attack on Iraq – "I can't answer that."

*Israel's refusal to sign the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty – "Well, I haven't given very much thought to that particular question there."

*Pakistan's refusal to sign the treaty – "I won't answer the last part of the question."

*Israeli threats against Lebanon – "Well, this one's going to be one, I'm afraid, that I can't answer now."

*The tactics of political action committees – "I don't really know how to answer that."

As for skepticism about his administration's grasp of foreign affairs, the President declares, "I'm satisfied that we do have a foreign policy."

6/29/81

"I regard voting as the most sacred right of free men and women."

--President Reagan who, mouthed pieties aside, refuses to commit to supporting an extension of the Voting Rights Act

6/30/81

"We love your adherence to democratic principle, and to the democratic processes."

--Vice President Bush gushing an exuberant toast to newly re-inaugurated Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos, whose fondness for democracy is less celebrated by those he rules undemocratically

JULY 1981

7/2/81

In a letter to a New York Times reporter, John W. Hinckley Jr. refers to his "historical deed" as "an unprecedented demonstration of love ... Does Jodie Foster appreciate what I've done? ... Everybody but everybody knows about John and Jodie ... Jodie and I will always be together, in life and in death."

7/3/81

The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta issues a report documenting 26 cases – eight of them fatal – of a rare skin cancer called Kaposi's sarcoma. All the patients are male homosexuals.

7/6/81

Nancy Reagan, 60, celebrates her 58th birthday.

7/7/81

President Reagan nominates Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Connor to be the first woman on the Supreme Court. The next day, Rev. Jerry Falwell suggests that O'Connor's opposition to abortion might not be sufficiently rabid to please him. Responds Sen. Barry Goldwater (R-AZ), "I think that every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass!" O'Connor goes on to be confirmed by the Senate, 99-0.

7/8/81

Baptist minister Dwight Wymer begins using a homemade electric stool to teach his Bible students to obey God. He discontinues the tactic when told he will be subject to prosecution if the 12-volt shocks cause any injury.

7/14/81

Max Hugel – appointed by William Casey to run the CIA's covert operations – resigns amidst allegations of fraud in connection with certain of his financial transactions in the early 1970s.

7/15/81

President Reagan dismisses stock fraud charges against William Casey as "old news."

7/16/81

"I would like to see us do less of the really rotten shows."

--Newly appointed NBC chairman Grant Tinker suggesting a strategy to get the network out of the ratings cellar

7/18/81

Author Norman Mailer's literary protégé Jack Henry Abbott, a convicted bank robber who has been living in Manhattan on a work-release program, gets into an early-morning argument at an East Village restaurant and stabs a young man to death. The next day, The New York Times Book Review calls his collected letters from jail, In the Belly of the Beast, "the most fiercely visionary book of its kind in the American repertoire of prison literature ... awesome, brilliant." Columnist Murray Kempton suggests Abbott could be the first fugitive to surrender to The New York Review of Books.

7/23/81

"Heck, no. I'm going to leave this to you experts. I'm not going to get involved in details."

--President Reagan declining Treasury Secretary Donald Regan's invitation to join the negotiating session at which his tax-cut bill is being shaped

7/25/81

New York Times: REPORTS BY CASEY ARE SAID TO OMIT STOCK HOLDING AND A $10,000 GIFT

7/26/81

The Heimlich maneuver saves the life of New York mayor Ed Koch after he almost chokes to death in a Chinatown restaurant, where waiters say he was talking nonstop while stuffing pork into his mouth. Not wishing to alienate Jewish voters who don't partake of the pig, Koch claims a piece of sautéed watercress caused the problem.

7/28/81

Nancy Reagan – giddy to be in London for the Royal Wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer – announces, "I'm off to see the King and Queen," though there hasn't been a King of England in 27 years. The British press can't stand her. "Maybe she'll fall again," writes one paper of the First Lady's propensity for toppling over, "and break her hair."

7/31/81

New York Times: REAGAN IMMIGRATION PLAN / ABSENCE OF A METHOD TO DISTINGUISH ALIENS FROM CITIZENS RAISES QUESTIONS ON OUTLOOK

7/31/81

Baseball players end their 50-day walkout. In an effort to renew the interest of fans whose teams were doing poorly, a "second season" is established, with an extra set of play-offs.

AUGUST 1981

8/1/81

With the public's attention span shrinking by the second, MTV, cable's first 24-hour music channel, establishes the four-minute rock video – essentially a commercial for an album – as the hot new art form. Fast cuts, slow motion and artsy black-and-white photography – largely selling sex and violence – define the visual style of the decade, spreading to movies, prime time series, advertising and magazines.

8/5/81

The Reagan Administration begins sending dismissal notices to over 5,000 striking members of the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Union (PATCO). By week's end, the union is broken.

8/6/81

Washington Post: WHITE HOUSE SEEKS TO LOOSEN STANDARDS UNDER CLEAN AIR ACT

8/10/81

Limited public response results in the closing of A Bit of History, the Nixon museum. Says manager Peter Mitchell, "If nothing else, it's been a good stopping point for people to use the restrooms between L.A. and San Diego."

8/13/81

President Reagan takes time out from his summer vacation at his home in Santa Barbara, California – which is oddly called a "ranch" though no livestock or crops are raised there – to sign the largest budget and tax cuts in history into law. When his dog wanders by, a reporter asks its name. "Lassie," the President replies, then corrects himself. "Millie!" he says. "Millie. Millie's her name." Everyone laughs and laughs.

8/18/81

Jerry Lewis appears on Donahue to defend telethons. When a woman says she finds the format "kind of repulsive," he responds as he does to virtually all criticism: he assumes that the critic must be a Jew-hater and says, "I've got to get you an autographed photograph of Eva Braun."

8/19/81

At Malcolm Forbes' 62nd birthday party, Henry Kissinger is asked if he's read D. M. Thomas' novel, The White Hotel. "I don't read books," he replies hilariously. "I write them."

8/19/81

Ed Meese sees no need to wake President Reagan just to tell him the Navy has shot down two Libyan jets. Defending Meese's decision, Reagan explains, "If our planes are shot down, yes, they'd wake me up right away. If the other fellows were shot down, why wake me up?"

8/31/81

Former movie actor Rex Allen, who spent 45 minutes with President Reagan after presenting him with four pairs of free boots, says, "He acted like there was nothing else in the world he had to do, nothing else on his mind."

Says an unnamed White House aide, "There are times when you really need him to do some work, and all he wants to do is tell stories about his movie days."

SEPTEMBER 1981

9/4/81

The Agriculture Department proposes cutting the size of school lunches and offering tofu, yogurt, cottage cheese or peanuts as viable meat substitutes. In addition, condiments such as ketchup and pickle relish would be reclassified as actual vegetables.

9/7/81

John W. Hinckley Jr. writes to a Washington Post reporter, pointing out that his travels were necessary to further his relationship with Jodie Foster, and requesting that he not be referred to as a "drifter" in the future.

9/11/81

Nancy Reagan defends her decision to spend $209,508 in donated funds on a 4,732-piece china set. "The White House really badly, badly needs china," she explains. "It's badly needed."

9/14/81

Entertainment Tonight premieres. With show business and gossip increasingly setting the tone for the nation's affairs – and with Hollywood's creative energy focusing less on the product and more on the deal – this syndicated nightly half-hour provides volumes of nonessential data (movie grosses, TV ratings, record sales) that, in happier times, people knew enough not to care too much about. The show inspires the term "infotainment." Asks comedian Harry Shearer, "Why not 'entermation?'"

9/21/81

White House Secret Service agent John A. Bachmann Jr., 29, is arrested for robbing a local bank.

9/23/81

President Reagan plays host to welterweight champion Sugar Ray Leonard and his wife. "We're very proud," says the President, "to have Sugar Ray and Mrs. Ray here."

9/25/81

President Reagan – untroubled by the drop in stock prices "because I don't have any" – announces that he has withdrawn the proposal to cut school lunches. He suggests that a dissident faction in the Agriculture Department might have come up with the idea as a form of "bureaucratic sabotage."

Just to set the record straight, aide James Johnson explains, "It would be a mistake to say that ketchup per se was classified as a vegetable. Ketchup in combination with other things was classified as a vegetable." And what things would ketchup have to combine with to be considered a full-blown vegetable? "French fries or hamburgers."

OCTOBER 1981

10/1/81

At his fourth press conference, President Reagan denies that his Administration has a "millionaires on parade" style. As for the fancy new set of White House china, well, "Nancy's taken a bit of a bum rap on that."

10/2/81

At a White House briefing with Caspar Weinberger, President Reagan is asked how his MX missiles will be deployed. "I don't know but what maybe you haven't gotten into the area that I'm gonna turn over to the, heh heh, to the Secretary of Defense," he says sheepishly.

"The silos will be hardened," Weinberger says, then nods approvingly as Reagan ad-libs, "Yes, I could say this. The plan also includes the hardening of silos."

10/4/81

The Cincinnati Reds end the strike-marred season with the best overall record in baseball. Unfortunately, they finish in second place in each half-season and fail to qualify for the play-offs.

10/5/81

Newsweek publishes a written interview with John W. Hinckley Jr. "In closing," he writes, "I would like to say hello to Ms. Foster and ask her one small question: Will you marry me, Jodie?" Meanwhile, Time publishes a letter in which the would-be assassin finally explains his fondness for the actress. "From head to toe, every square inch of Jodie is what attracts me," he writes. "Jodie's got the look I crave. What else can I say?"

10/6/81

Hours after Egyptian president Anwar Sadat is shot to death, Hollywood producers Sandy Frank and David Levy – who have long wanted to make a TV movie about him – alert the media that they are stepping up their efforts. "Now the story has a definite ending," says Levy. "The lack of an ending was what was stopping it from being made."

10/15/81

During a White House interview with Nancy Reagan, Andy Warhol says he "always thought they should have a lottery where they invite one family to dinner every night because it's so exciting to be here."

Says the First Lady, "There are tours, of course, Andy."

10/19/81

California State Senator John Schmitz tells an interviewer that if Reagan's policies fail, "the best we could probably hope for is a military coup or something like that." He explains that he is talking about "a good military coup, not a bad military coup."

10/22/81

"Now, that's silly. I'd never wear a crown. It messes up your hair."

--Nancy Reagan citing a popular postcard portraying her as a queen, hoping that if she makes fun of herself, everyone else will stop

10/23/81

The national debt hits $1 trillion. (67 miles of $1,000 bills!)

10/25/81

Following his team's loss to the Dodgers in the fifth game of the World Series, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner gets into a fight on his Los Angeles hotel elevator with two unidentified men who make derogatory comments about the "animals" who live in New York and the "choke-asses" who play for his team. Though he claims to have "clocked" his taunters, his own souvenirs of the encounter include a swollen lip, a bruised head and a cast on his broken left hand. The Yankees go on to lose the Series.

NOVEMBER 1981

11/10/81

President Reagan elicits hoots of laughter at his fifth press conference when he says of his constantly feuding aides, "There is no bickering or backstabbing going on. We're a very happy group." As he leaves, Lesley Stahl holds up a copy of the just-out Atlantic Monthly featuring William Greider's article "The Education of David Stockman," in which the chatty Budget Director:

*Admits, "None of us really understands what's going on with all these numbers"

*Acknowledges that supply-side economics "was always a Trojan horse to bring down the top rate"

*Says of the Reagan tax bill, "Do you realize the greed that came to the forefront? The hogs were really feeding."

Was the President aware of this article? He was not.

11/12/81

"My visit to the Oval Office for lunch with the President was more in the nature of a visit to the woodshed after supper ... He was not happy about the way this has developed – and properly so."

--David Stockman describing his crow-eating lunch with President Reagan, who blames the whole flap on the media

11/13/81

"This house belongs to all Americans, and I want it to be something of which they can be proud."

--Nancy Reagan showing off her $1 million White House redecoration – funded by tax-deductible donations – to Architectural Digest, which is then forbidden to release any of its photos to the general news media

11/13/81

The White House announces that the Justice Department is investigating a $1,000 payment given to National Security Adviser Richard Allen by a Japanese magazine after he helped arrange a brief post-inaugural interview with Nancy Reagan. "I didn't accept it. I received it," says Allen, who explains that "it would have been an embarrassment" to the Japanese to have returned the money.

11/13/81

"When I hear people talking about money, it's usually people who don't have any."

--GOP finance chairman Richard DeVos, dismissing charges that Reagan economic policies are unfair

11/17/81

"It's impossible / Making love in a Toyota / It's impossible."

--Robert Goulet, apparently mistaking the White House for a Vegas nightclub while performing at a state dinner for the president of Venezuela

11/18/81

President Reagan receives the annual White House turkey, which upstages him by squawking and flapping its wings madly. Not to be outdone, the President recalls a Thanksgiving long ago when he was carving a turkey, noticed what seemed to be blood oozing from it, assumed the bird was undercooked, then realized he had sliced open his thumb. Everyone laughs and laughs.

11/20/81

Washington Post columnist Judy Mann writes that Nancy Reagan, who is "in the position to champion causes that will improve the quality of life for Americans," has so far merely "used the position to improve the quality of life for those in the White House." The First Lady is said to find this criticism more upsetting than any since 1980 when, according to an aide, an article referring to her "piano" legs caused her to go "into a sort of coma for three days."

11/20/81

Secretary of State Alexander Haig wins the 1981 Double-speak Award given by the National Council of Teachers of English. Among the statements and phrases cited: "I'll have to caveat my response, Senator," "careful caution," "saddle myself with a statistical fence," "post-hostage-return attitude," "nuance-al differences," "epistemologicallywise," "definitizing an answer," and "This is not an experience I haven't been through before."

11/23/81

President Reagan vetoes a stopgap spending bill, thus forcing the federal government – for the first time in history – to temporarily shut down. Says House Speaker Tip O'Neill, "He knows less about the budget than any president in my lifetime. He can't even carry on a conversation about the budget. It's an absolute and utter disgrace."

11/27/81

ABC's Barbara Walters asks President Reagan what adjectives he would use to describe himself? "Soft touch, I really am ... sometimes I'm stubborn, I hope not unnecessarily so, but ... [long pause] ... I ... I can't answer that question, I wouldn't know how to do it." He is, however, able to describe his academic record: "I never knew anything above Cs."

11/29/81

Actress Natalie Wood, 43, who has suffered from an intense fear of drowning since childhood, slips off a yacht anchored near California's Catalina Island. Though she screams for help for at least fifteen minutes, her husband Robert Wagner and friend Christopher Walken, both of them on her yacht, don't hear her, and the people on nearby yachts who can hear her don't help her, and her worst fear is realized.

11/29/81

Nancy Reagan, irate about being dragged into the Richard Allen scandalette, convinces James Baker and Michael Deaver that the tainted official must be removed. Allen takes a leave of absence while the investigation continues. "I fully expect to resume my duties," he says, embarking on a doomed attempt to save himself by going on TV and taking his case directly to the people, who couldn't care less who the National Security Adviser is as long as they're not required to know his name. Despite ultimately being exonerated of any law-breaking, he is gone in a month. The President hails his integrity, then names noted foreign policy non-expert William Clark to succeed him.

11/29/81

Social secretary Muffie Brandon reveals that the White House is experiencing "a terrible tablecloth crisis." Says Brandon, "One set of tablecloths, to my complete and utter horror, went out to the dry cleaner and shrunk."

11/30/81

"I don't think that we have a crisis here. I think we'll manage. I don't see this as a frightening thing."

--Sheila Tate, Nancy Reagan's press secretary, downplaying the tablecloth alarm

11/30/81

President Reagan tells a $2,500-per-ticket GOP fundraiser in Cincinnati about a letter he allegedly received from a blind supporter. "He wrote in Braille," the President claims, "to tell me that if cutting his pension would help get this country back on its feet, he'd like to have me cut his pension." The altruistic soul's identity is never revealed, leaving whoever is so inclined free to believe the story was made up.

DECEMBER 1981

12/2/81

Following a four-month investigation into William Casey's business dealings, the Senate Intelligence Committee gives the CIA Director the rousing endorsement of being not "unfit to serve."

12/5/81

New York Times: REAGAN WIDENS INTELLIGENCE ROLE; GIVES C.I.A. DOMESTIC SPY POWER

12/8/81

Joking about Muammar Qaddafi's alleged threats to have him assassinated, President Reagan ends a budget meeting by turning to his Vice President and saying, "Hey, by the way, George, I don't know how you feel about it, but I think I'll just call Qaddafi and meet him out there on the Mall." Everyone laughs and laughs.

12/14/81

A Newsweek poll shows that 62% of the American people feel that Nancy Reagan "puts too much emphasis on style and elegance" during hard times, with 61% thinking her "less sympathetic to the problems of the poor and underprivileged" than her predecessors.

12/16/81

Asked by a TV news crew about possible irregularities in his relations with the Nixon White House, Chief Justice Warren Burger lunges forward and knocks the camera to the ground. He later claims he was provoked when the lens "hit me in the chin," though videotape of the incident shows that the equipment never touched him.

12/17/81

At his sixth press conference, President Reagan is asked if he agrees with his Justice Department's efforts to overturn the Supreme Court's Webber ruling, which allows unions and management to enter into voluntary affirmative action agreements. The President says he "can't bring that to mind as to what it pertains to and what it calls for." When a reporter explains it to him, he says he supports the decision, though White House aides later say he thinks it should be overturned.

12/20/81

White House PR guru Michael Deaver says he can't get by on his $60,000 government salary.

12/20/81

New York Times: REAGAN OFFICIALS SEEK TO EASE RULES ON NURSING HOMES / PROPOSALS INCLUDE REPEAL OF REGULATIONS ON SANITATION, SAFETY AND CONTAGION

12/20/81

On 60 Minutes, Mike Wallace asks his longtime friend Nancy Reagan about her image as someone who, despite "the requisite visit to the drug rehabilitation center" or "the requisite amount of time ... spent on foster grandparents," really only cares about "style and fashion and her rich friends."

"Well, it's not true, of course," she says. "It's just – it's just not true." Mike does not press the point.

12/22/81

As Christmas approaches, President Reagan authorizes the distribution of 30 million pounds of surplus cheese to the poor. According to a government official, the cheese is well over a year old and has reached "critical inventory situation." Translation: it's moldy.

12/23/81

Asked to comment on his wife's unusually high disapproval rating, President Reagan says, "I just heard earlier today – and maybe Larry can tell me if this is true – I just heard that some poll or something has revealed that she's the most popular woman in the world."

White House spokesman Larry Speakes says he has seen no such poll. "I tell you," says the President, "if it isn't true, it should be. I'm on her side."

12/27/81

Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist – who has, for several months, been taking substantial doses of Placidyl to relieve intense back pain – checks into George Washington Hospital for treatment of side effects, including speech so severely slurred that he was frequently incoherent in court and, according to a hospital spokesman, "hearing things and seeing things that other people did not hear and see."

12/29/81

Special prosecutor Leon Silverman begins an investigation into allegations that Labor Secretary Raymond Donovan received a union payoff by his former New Jersey construction firm. "I have paid a large entrance fee to this city," says Donovan, rejecting demands for his resignation, "and I intend to stay for the double feature."

JANUARY 1982

1/8/82

The White House announces that President Reagan – who often wonders why people think he's anti-civil rights – has signed off on Ed Meese's plan to grant tax-exempt status to South Carolina's Bob Jones University and other schools that practice racial discrimination.

1/12/82

President Reagan explains that there must have been some kind of "misunderstanding" regarding his efforts to grant tax exemptions to segregated schools, since he is "unalterably opposed to racial discrimination in any form."

1/14/82

President Reagan tells a business luncheon in New York about a Massachusetts resident in his 80s who supposedly sent in his Social Security check "to be used for reducing the national debt." As usual, no proof is offered.

1/15/82

President Reagan phones The Washington Post to explain that when his new policy toward segregated schools was announced, he "didn't know at the time that there was a legal case pending." CBS quickly obtains a memo in which intervention in the Bob Jones University case was specifically requested, and on which Reagan had written, "I think we should."

1/15/82

Press secretary Sheila Tate says that Nancy Reagan "has derived no personal benefit" from her acceptance of thousands of dollars worth of clothing from American designers, explaining that the First Lady's sole motive is to help the national fashion industry. So, getting fabulous clothes for free should not be considered a "personal benefit."

1/18/82

Following his testimony for the defense at the murder trial of Jack Henry Abbott, Norman Mailer is asked what would happen if Abbott got out of jail and committed yet another murder. "Culture is worth a little risk," he replies. "I am willing to gamble with certain elements in society to save this man's talent."

1/19/82

Coca-Cola announces an agreement to buy Columbia Pictures for $750 million. Objects bearing the Coke logo soon begin appearing with increasing frequency in the studio's films, along with dialogue like "Would you like a Diet Coke?" Eventually, entire scenes are played out in front of Coke machines.

1/19/82

At his seventh press conference, President Reagan:

*Claims there are "a million people more working than there were in 1980," though statistics show that 100,000 fewer people are employed

*Contends his attempt to grant tax-exempt status to segregated schools was meant to correct "a procedure that we thought had no basis in law," though the Supreme Court had clearly upheld a ruling barring such exemptions a decade earlier

*Claims that he has received a letter from Pope John Paul II in which he "approves what we've done so far" regarding US sanctions against the USSR, though such approval was not mentioned in the papal message

*Responds to a question about the 17% black unemployment rate by pointing out that "in this time of great unemployment," Sunday's paper had "24 full pages of ... employers looking for employees," though most of the jobs available – computer operator, for example, or cellular immunologist – require special training, for which Reagan cut funds by over 30%

*Misstates facts about California's abortion law and an Arizona program to aid the elderly

*Responds to a question about private charity by observing, "I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing – the giving of a tenth," though his latest tax returns show charitable contributions amounting to 1.4%.

1/20/82

"This is a very impressive gathering. When I walked in I thought I was back in the studio on the set of High Society."

--President Reagan at a dinner honoring the first anniversary of his Inauguration

1/23/82

CBS broadcasts The Uncounted Enemy: A Vietnam Deception, which charges that Gen. William Westmoreland oversaw the intentional underestimation of enemy forces to improve the perception of how things were going. The general files a libel suit.

1/27/82

Meeting with a group of television executives, President Reagan volunteers that seeing himself "on the late, late show" is like "looking at the son I never knew I had" – an odd statement from a man who actually has two sons he rarely sees.

FEBRUARY 1982

2/6/82

A Los Angeles Times profile of California industrialist and Reagan crony Justin Dart opens with a scene in which Dart exchanges warm pleasantries with fellow airline passenger Gerald Ford, then returns to his seat and tells a reporter, "Jerry's a nice man, but he's not very smart. Actually, our seatmate is a dumb bastard."

2/9/82

Vice President Bush denies that he ever used the phrase "voodoo economics" and challenges "anybody to find it." NBC's Ken Bode promptly broadcasts the 1980 tape.

2/9/82

Henry Kissinger enters Massachusetts General Hospital for a coronary by-pass. "My doctors have come to two conclusions," he witticizes. "One, that I do have a heart; second, that it is in need of repair."

2/10/82

Presidential aide Joseph W. Canzeri resigns in the wake of charges that he received exceptionally favorable terms on a $400,000 home loan and that he double-billed $800 in expenses.

2/16/82

"She really just got tired of people misinterpreting what she was doing."

--Aide to Nancy Reagan telling the public that the First Lady will no longer accept free clothing "on loan" from top designers

2/18/82

At his eighth press conference, President Reagan makes four major misstatements about the history of Vietnam and erroneously claims to support the government of Nicaragua.

2/20/82

Defending New York mayor Ed Koch's decision to break his 1981 promise that he would "never" seek the governorship of New York, political consultant David Garth says, "I don't believe that the people really believe that he didn't believe that when he said it."

2/23/82

Ed Koch – whose campaign for New York governor has not been helped by a Playboy interview in which he claimed that "it's wasting your life" to live in the "sterile" suburbs – insists that he was merely being "jocular" when he scoffed at rural rubes who "have to drive 20 miles to buy a gingham dress or a Sears, Roebuck suit." He goes on to lose the Democratic primary to underdog Mario Cuomo, who is elected in November.

2/24/82

Addressing the Voice of America's 40th birthday celebration, President Reagan reminisces about making up exciting details while announcing baseball games from wire copy. "Now, I submit to you that I told the truth," he says of his enhanced version of a routine shortstop-to-first ground out. "I don't know whether he really ran over toward second base and made a one-hand stab or whether he just squatted down and took the ball when it came to him. But the truth got there and, in other words, it can be attractively packaged." No one questions his premise that embellishing the truth does not compromise it.

2/27/82

The Congressional Budget Office finds that taxpayers earning under $10,000 lost an average $240 from last year's tax cuts, while those earning over $80,000 gained an average of $15,130.

MARCH 1982

3/1/82

Sen. Bob Packwood (R-OR) reveals that President Reagan frequently offers up transparently fictional anecdotes as if they were real. "We've got a $120 billion deficit coming," says Packwood, "and the President says, 'You know, a young man, went into a grocery store and he had an orange in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other, and he paid for the orange with food stamps and he took the change and paid for the vodka. That's what's wrong.' And we just shake our heads."

3/1/82

In a speech to the Civil Defense Association, Ed Meese describes nuclear war as "something that may not be desirable."

3/5/82

John Belushi dies alone in a Hollywood hotel room. LAPD lieutenant Dan Cooke reports that the 33-year-old comedian's death "appeared to have been from natural causes." And what about those apparent needle marks in the crook of his arms? Cooke explains that they were caused by "blood settling."

Days later, coroner Thomas Noguchi reveals that his death was the result of drinking and shooting cocaine and heroin in amounts that "would have killed anybody." Meanwhile, the "mystery woman" who was with him at the Chateau Marmont before he died is identified as show business hanger-on Cathy Evelyn Smith. Police say they have no reason to suspect her of any criminal involvement.

3/16/82

"Is it news that some fellow out in South Succotash someplace has just been laid off, that he should be interviewed nationwide?"

--President Reagan – whose presidency is based on the premise that people believe what they see on TV – complaining about coverage of the nation's economic suffering

3/18/82

20/20 airs an interview with a none-too-healthy-looking Cathy Evelyn Smith, who reveals in a slurred voice why John Belushi was imbibing alcohol during her last night with him. "He was working on a screenplay that had to do with vintage wine-making," she explains, "so he was drinking wine." When reporter Tom Jarriel asks about rumors that she's a heroin dealer, her lawyer Robert Sheahan interrupts. "Tom, Tom," he says patronizingly, "she doesn't even have a business license."

3/24/82

Agriculture official Mary C. Jarratt tells Congress her department has been unable to document President Reagan's horror stories of food stamp abuse, pointing out that the change from a food stamp purchase is limited to 99 cents. "It's not possible to buy a bottle of vodka with 99 cents," she says. Deputy White House press secretary Peter Roussel says Reagan wouldn't tell these stories "unless he thought they were accurate."

3/27/82

At the Gridiron Dinner – an annual Washington event at which the powers that be in politics and the media gather to congratulate each other on how inside they all are – Nancy Reagan takes the stage dressed as a bag lady and pokes fun at her clothes-horse image. "Second hand clothes / I'm wearing second hand clothes," she warbles, "I sure hope Ed Meese sews." Everyone laughs and laughs, and it is understood by all concerned that she has done her penance and will now be granted a fresh start.

APRIL 1982

4/2/82

Argentina invades Great Britain's Falkland Islands. Hours later, UN ambassador Jeane Kirkpatrick attends a dinner at the Argentine embassy.

4/4/82

"If Mr. Reagan thinks he has to cut social spending to help right the economy, others might disagree, but he has earned the right to try. What he is not entitled to do is to cut spending for the poor and then claim that he is increasing it."

--New York Times editorial

4/5/82

Asked about the situation in the Falkland Islands – to which a British fleet is currently en route – President Reagan refuses to choose between one of America's strongest allies and the South American junta that invaded that ally's territory. "We're friends of both sides," he says.

4/8/82

Following two days of official meetings that were hastily scheduled so it wouldn't look like they were just taking a Caribbean vacation, the Reagans arrive in Barbados for a four-day visit with actress Claudette Colbert.

4/15/82

"The statisticians in Washington have funny ways of counting."

--President Reagan explaining to Illinois high school students why, although the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported a rise in unemployment, he believes the jobless rate has in fact declined

4/15/82

"England was always very proud of the fact that the English police did not have to carry guns ... In England, if a criminal carried a gun, even though he didn't use it, he was not tried for burglary or theft or whatever he was doing. He was tried for first-degree murder and hung if he was found guilty."

--President Reagan citing a favorite example of British jurisprudence

4/16/82

"Well, it's a good story, though. It made the point, didn't it?"

--White House spokesman Larry Speakes on being informed that President Reagan's fable about British gun law is "just not true"

4/21/82

Henry Kissinger speaks at the opening of the Beverly Hills corporate headquarters of the Progressive Savings and Loan Association. Says president Lon Harmon, "I was surprised that he was available."

4/22/82

The Reagan Administration gripes that the CBS documentary People Like Us – a Bill Moyers report on four people who have slipped through the President's "safety net" – constituted a "below-the-belt" attack on its economic policies. A government request for a prime time half hour "to present our side" is rejected by the network.

4/27/82

California assemblyman Phillip D. Wyman proposes a bill in the state legislature requiring record companies to post warning labels on albums that contain backward-recorded messages singing the praises of Satan. The idea goes nowhere.

4/30/82

President Reagan describes the Falkland Islands war as a "dispute over the sovereignty of that little ice-cold bunch of land down there."

MAY 1982

5/6/82

Police Chief Daryl Gates explains that a disproportionate number of Los Angeles blacks have been injured or killed by police choke holds because "in some blacks ... the veins or arteries do not open up as fast as they do in normal people."

5/10/82

Taking questions from students at a Chicago high school, President Reagan explains why his revised tax exemption policy could not possibly have been intended to benefit segregated schools. "I didn't know there were any," he says. "Maybe I should have, but I didn't."

5/10/82

"If Robert Kennedy were alive today, he would not countenance singling me out for this kind of treatment."

--Sirhan Sirhan in a boldly ill-conceived bid for parole

5/13/82

At his 10th press conference, President Reagan – on record as thinking that trees cause more pollution than cars – states that, while "there is no recall" for missiles fired from silos, "those that are carried in bombers, those that are carried in ships of one kind or another, or submersibles ... can be recalled if there has been a miscalculation." Let's give him the benefit of the doubt just this once and assume that, despite his clumsy language, what he means is that the bombers or ships or subs can be recalled before the missiles are fired. Still, no one in the media asks for a clarification.

5/21/82

Discussing Soviet weaponry at a National Security Council meeting, President Reagan asks CIA deputy director Bobby Inman, "Isn't the SS-19 their biggest missile?" No, Inman replies, "that's the SS-18."

"So," says the President, "they've even switched the numbers on their missiles in order to confuse us!" Inman explains that the numbers are assigned by US intelligence.

5/26/82

After viewing the circus with his family in New York, Richard M. Nixon goes backstage to shake hands with the clowns.

"Great! Absolutely great! Really funny!" he tells them. Later, asked what he liked best about the show, Nixon says, "I really enjoy the clowns."

JUNE 1982

6/1/82

Richard M. Nixon predicts that the Democratic nominee in 1984 will be "Kennedy, of course." As for Mondale, "No way ... Mondale – blah! – he just doesn't come over ... No, Kennedy is going to be the nominee."

6/7/82

President Reagan's overscheduling on his European trip catches up with him, as he briefly falls asleep during a Vatican meeting with the Pope. Though it seems for a moment as if he might tumble out of his chair, the forward jerk of his head awakens him. Nancy sees to it that plenty of rest time is booked into all future trips.

6/8/82

In the wake of an embarrassing mix-up at the UN regarding a US vote on the Falkland Islands War, Jeane Kirkpatrick describes the nation's foreign policy as "stumbling from issue to issue almost on a Mad Hatter basis." Says Secretary of State Haig, "Do I think US foreign policy is inept? ... At times it is. At times it's not. At times it's even brilliant. At times it's rather stupid. It would be very hard to ask me to label it."

The UK wins the war.

6/11/82

Steven Spielberg's redundantly titled E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial opens. "It's not only the film of the summer," swoons Los Angeles Times critic Sheila Benson, "it may be the film of the decade and possibly the double decade." In any event, it sure does make a lot of money.

6/12/82

An estimated 750,000 supporters of a nuclear freeze gather in New York's Central Park in the largest disarmament demonstration in US history. President Reagan opines that the Commies were behind it.

6/17/82

Interior Secretary James Watt – one of whose semantic rules is, "I never use the words Democrats and Republicans. It's liberals and Americans" – warns the Israeli ambassador that if "liberals of the Jewish community" oppose his plans for off-shore drilling, "they will weaken our ability to be a good friend of Israel."

6/20/82

Caspar Weinberger explains the Pentagon's position on a "protracted" nuclear war: "We don't believe a nuclear war can be won," but "we are planning to prevail if we are attacked." The difference between winning and prevailing is not explored.

6/21/82

John W. Hinckley Jr. is found not guilty by reason of insanity, despite the testimony of Dr. John J. Hopper Jr., the Colorado psychiatrist who was treating him during his last five months of freedom, that he had never observed any signs of mental illness in his patient,

6/25/82

"With great regret, I have accepted the resignation of Secretary of State Al Haig. I am nominating as his successor – and he has accepted – George Shultz to replace him."

--President Reagan surprising Alexander Haig, whose threats to quit (three times before he was even confirmed) had become a regular feature of his tenure, but who had not actually submitted a letter of resignation

6/26/82

John W. Hinckley Jr. makes the first of a series of phone calls to a Washington Post reporter. He says he feels no remorse about shooting Reagan – "I helped his Presidency ... After I shot him, his polls went up 20 percent" – but is sorry about James Brady. "I just honestly wish I could go back before that shooting," he says, "and let him move two inches out of the way."

6/28/82

Special prosecutor Leon Silverman reports that his six- month investigation of Raymond Donovan has produced "insufficient evidence to prosecute" the Labor Secretary, though he pointedly adds, "I do not use words like exoneration."

6/28/82

The National Enquirer runs an interview with Cathy Evelyn Smith, the last person to see John Belushi alive, who – not realizing she's talking to someone from the press – reveals that she injected a "speedball" of cocaine and heroin that was the "coup de grace" that killed him. Though the case had been closed, this most unfortunate indiscretion leads to her conviction for second degree murder.

6/30/82

At his 11th press conference, President Reagan:

*Says of sanctions against Argentina, "I can't give you an answer on that"

*Says of the Israeli invasion of Lebanon, "This is a question, again, where I have to beg your tolerance of me"

*Says of the mysterious departure of Alexander Haig, "Once again you ask a question upon which when I accepted his resignation I made a statement that I would have no further comments on that or take no questions on it."

6/30/82

With only 35 states having approved it – three short of ratification – time runs out on the Equal Rights Amendment.

6/30/82

"We were taking speed and drinking cold drinks. We picked up our rifles and started shooting. I don't know why we did it."

--Phillip Wayne Kelley, 19, explaining how it came to pass that he and a friend killed three strangers in rural Tennessee

JULY 1982

7/1/82

Rev. Sun Myung Moon performs what his Unification Church calls the "largest wedding ceremony in human history" by marrying 2,075 couples – most of them strangers to each other, and many with no common language – at Madison Square Garden.

7/6/82

Nancy Reagan, 61, celebrates her 59th birthday.

7/8/82

Ailing Reagan crony Alfred Bloomingdale's 29-year-old mistress, Vicki Morgan, files a $5 million palimony suit against him after being informed that she has received the last of her monthly $18,000 checks. She claims he promised to support her for life.

7/14/82

The Maryland Poison Control Center reports that 79 people have mistaken their free mailbox samples of the lemon-scented dishwashing liquid Sunlight for lemon juice. Says a Lever Brothers spokesman, "Any kind of cleaning product we introduce has a certain amount of ingestion."

7/15/82

Supreme Court Justice Byron White is attacked in Salt Lake City by a large bearded man who punches him in the head while shouting, "That busing and pornography just doesn't go!" The assailant, Newton C. Estes, explains that he went after White because he "is causing four-letter words to come in my living room through my television set. I don't know how else to get it to stop except to go direct to the source."

7/15/82

Van Gordon Sauter, whose tenure as CBS News president has seen a distinct softening in the network's news coverage, issues an eight-page memo that, in effect, apologizes for a documentary on Gen. William Westmoreland after a TV Guide article charges that the "often arbitrary and unfair" broadcast was riddled with "inaccuracies, distortions and violations of journalistic standards." Lost in the media brouhaha is the key fact that the show's central premise – that Westmoreland was less than forthright about enemy troop strength in Vietnam – has not been seriously challenged.

7/23/82

"Lower! Lower! Lower!"

--Director John Landis on the set of Twilight Zone – The Movie, ordering the descent of a helicopter that, because it has flown too low, is disabled by special effects bombs and crashes onto actor Vic Morrow and two illegally employed Vietnamese children, killing all of them in a particularly gruesome manner

7/25/82

"Tragedy can strike in an instant, but film is immortal. Vic lives forever. Just before the last take, Vic took me aside to thank me for the opportunity to play this role."

--John Landis delivering his eulogy to Vic Morrow

7/28/82

Vicki Morgan files a $5 million lawsuit against Betsy Bloomingdale – Nancy Reagan's legendary "best friend" – for cutting off her monthly checks. She explains that one of her duties with Betsy's Alfred was "to act as a therapist to help Bloomingdale overcome his Marquis de Sade complex."

7/28/82

Caught off guard at his 12th press conference by Sarah McClendon's question about "sex harassment of women" working in government, President Reagan waggles his head and says, "Now, Sarah, just a minute here with the discussion or we'll be getting an R rating." Many reporters – Sarah not among them – find this inane quip amusing enough to actually laugh at.

7/29/82

Asked why he was invited to the White House dinner for Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi, Wayne Newton says, "I'm an American Indian. I guess that's a connection."

AUGUST 1982

8/2/82

Seeking to convey the Administration's displeasure with Israel over its attacks on Beirut, the White House points out the difference between a February 1981 photo in which President Reagan is sitting next to Israeli Foreign Minister Yitzhak Shamir and laughing, and today's photo, in which Reagan frowns at him from across a table.

8/9/82

John W. Hinckley Jr. is committed to a mental hospital for an indefinite period by Judge Barrington D. Parker, who releases a psychiatric evaluation report showing that "he thinks daily about killing Jodie Foster."

8/11/82

President Reagan tells Time's Hugh Sidey that he sometimes feels trapped in the White House. "You glance out the window and the people are walking around Pennsylvania Avenue and you say, 'I could never say I am going to run down to the drugstore and get some magazines,'" he says. "I can't do that any more."

8/12/82

Postal Service official Jerry Jones tells Congress that mail will still be delivered "to the extent possible under the circumstances" in the event of nuclear war.

"There won't be a lot of people left to read and write those letters," observes Rep. Edward Markey (D-MA).

"But," says Jones, "those that are will get their mail."

8/17/82

"Ladies and gentlemen, Chairman Moe of Liberia is our visitor here today, and we're very proud to have him."

--President Reagan introducing Liberian head of state Samuel Doe

8/20/82

Alfred Bloomingdale succumbs to cancer. Observes Vicki Morgan of Betsy's decision to inter her husband before his death is announced, "She buried him like a dog."

SEPTEMBER 1982

9/6/82

Nearing the end of his annual Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy telethon, Jerry Lewis lashes out at those who have dared to question the purity of his motives. "Why am I a criminal?" he demands. "What we are doing here is great work ... We've only been at peace 557 days in the last 17,000 years. Had they had telethons, we'd have had peace, I'm sure. Is that idealistic? Is that old-fashioned, mid-Victorian? Is that stupid? Is that rhetoric? No! That's what I believe." The 15-minute diatribe – the kind of thing telethon fans look for after Jerry's been up for 20 or so hours – turns out to be the last of its kind. By next year, following his heart attack, much of the show is pre-taped to give him plenty of nap time.

9/6/82

The Washington Post reports that of President Reagan's first 72 nominees to the judiciary, 68 are white males.

9/14/82

Defending his support of anti-abortion legislation, President Reagan says, "I think the fact that children have been prematurely born even down to the three-month stage and have lived to, the record shows, to grow up and be normal human beings, that ought to be enough for all of us." Later, aide Peter Roussel acknowledges that the record shows nothing of the kind: the youngest surviving fetus was four-and-a-half months old. (A three-month-old fetus is, at most, three-and-a-half inches long.)

Was Reagan aware of this? "He knew," says Roussel, "but he said three instead of four and a half."

9/14/82

Princess Grace of Monaco dies of injuries sustained when the car she was riding in with her 17-year-old daughter Stephanie plunged down a 45-foot embankment.

9/15/82

The first issue of USA Today shows up in TV-shaped vending machines in Washington. News of Lebanese President-elect Bashir Gemayel's assassination appears on page nine.

9/16/82

New York Times: REAGAN ASSERTS BLACKS WERE HURT BY PROGRAMS OF THE GREAT SOCIETY

9/22/82

The Reader's Digest Bible – a condensed version reduced by 40% from the original – is published. "We weren't sure we could do it," says editor John T. Beaudoin, "but after we studied the text and found it repetitive, we thought we could."

9/27/82

A sworn deposition by Alfred Bloomingdale's ex-mistress Vicki Morgan – in which she describes the Reagan friend as a "drooling" sadist with a fondness for binding and beating nude women and making them crawl on the floor – is made public. Recalling her first sexual encounter with him in 1970, Morgan said, "Alfred had a look in his eyes, believe me when I say this, that scared me to death."

9/28/82

At his 13th press conference, President Reagan is asked if any of the blame for the recession is his. "Yes," he says, "because for many years I was a Democrat."

9/30/82

Two days after President Reagan commits the Marines to an indefinite stay in Lebanon, David L. Reagan (no relation) becomes the first Marine to be killed in the conflict.

OCTOBER 1982

10/4/82

President Reagan suggests – and not, by any means, for the first time – that since he sees big help wanted sections in the Sunday papers, unemployment must be caused by a lot of lazy people who'd just rather not work.

10/4/82

Addressing an Ohio veteran's group, President Reagan discusses plans to strengthen three military divisions in Western Europe, "two of which are in Geneva, and one, I believe, still in Switzerland."

10/4/82

Veterans Administration chief Robert P. Nimmo – recently in the news for having spent over $50,000 in government funds to redecorate his office – resigns.

10/7/82

"Somebody goofed."

--Rev. Jerry Falwell on the massacre of Palestinian refugees in Beirut

10/8/82

President Reagan signs a bill to boost US exports while posing on a California pier in front of a huge container ship that turns out to be full of Japanese imports.

10/8/82

The unemployment rate hits 10.1%, the highest in 42 years. This does not overly concern President Reagan, who soon puts it in perspective. "Just remember," he says, "for every person who is out of work, there are nine of us with jobs."

10/9/82

During a sound check for his weekly radio address, President Reagan jokingly refers to the Polish government as "a bunch of no-good lousy bums."

10/10/82

The House Commerce Committee judges the Environmental Protection Agency's efforts to enforce the laws "dangerously deficient."

10/11/82

Campaigning in Texas, President Reagan says that he recently inquired as to what the video game Pac-Man is, "and somebody told me it was a round thing that gobbles up money. I thought that was Tip O'Neill." The crowd roars.

10/11/82

Viewers of New York's Live at Five newscast find out who won this year's "Nobel Peace Prize in medicine."

10/12/82

"You don't tell us how to stage the news, and we don't tell you how to report it."

-- White House spokesman Larry Speakes to the press

10/18/82

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we are going to succeed."

--President Reagan getting confused during a GOP fundraising speech

10/19/82

During a White House meeting with Arab leaders, President Reagan turns to the Lebanese foreign minister. "You know," he says, "your nose looks just like Danny Thomas's."

10/26/82

"Listen, it's been fun. Those inmates in San Quentin were fascinating."

--Greg Jackson ending the premiere of ABC's short-lived post-Nightline news hour, The Last Word, which featured an interview with two convicted burglars who advised viewers to leave the lights on when they're away from home

10/28/82

"Wait till I go home and tell Nancy I played Las Vegas with Wayne Newton and Bob Goulet."

--President Reagan addressing an "Up With America" rally at which the two Vegas saloon singers perform

10/31/82

Accusing his foes of "cruel scare tactics," President Reagan attacks the "big spenders" for causing inflation, adding, "They even drove prayer out of our nation's classrooms." A White House aide refuses to clarify who Reagan is talking about, saying only, "They know who they are."

10/31/82

This just in from The New York Times: PERVASIVE USE OF COCAINE IS REPORTED IN HOLLYWOOD.

10/31/82

America's nuclear policy is debated on The Last Word by noted non-experts Paul Newman and Charlton Heston.

NOVEMBER 1982

11/9/82

President Reagan is asked if he'll be visiting the new Vietnam Veterans Memorial. "I can't tell until somebody tells me," he says. "I never know where I'm going."

11/11/82

"It would be a user fee."

--President Reagan explaining that his proposed five-cent-a-gallon gasoline tax would not be a tax at all

11/11/82

The White House announces that President Reagan was awakened at 3:35 a.m. to be informed of the death of Leonid Brezhnev.

11/15/82

New York Times: GOVERNMENT RESTRICTING FLOW OF INFORMATION TO THE PUBLIC

11/20/82

"My fellow Americans, I've talked to you on a number of occasions about economic problems and opportunities our nation faces and I am prepared to tell you, it's a hell of a mess."

--President Reagan – who so wants to be funny, though in fact he is not – continuing his tradition of quipping during a sound check, where his small live audience pretty much has to laugh, him being the President and all

11/22/82

"The MX is the right missile at the right time."

--President Reagan in a nationally televised speech in which he renames the deadly weapon "the Peacekeeper," prompting columnist Molly Ivins to wonder if it will be armed with "Peaceheads"

11/23/82

The annual White House turkey is presented to President Reagan. As it did last year, this reminds him of the time he gashed his thumb while carving a similar bird, and he does not hesitate to tell the story again.

11/25/82

Larry Speakes chooses Thanksgiving as the ideal moment to announce that the White House is considering a proposal (conceived by Ed Meese) to tax unemployment benefits. This, says Speakes, would "make unemployment less attractive."

11/26/82

Ed Meese denies that taxing unemployment benefits has been seriously considered, though he can't help adding, "We do know that generally when unemployment benefits end, most people find jobs very quickly."

11/26/82

Six months to the day after going to the circus in New York, Richard M. Nixon attends one in New Jersey where, once again, he is willingly photographed amidst a group of clowns.

DECEMBER 1982

12/1/82

At a dinner welcoming him to Brazil, President Reagan calls for a toast to his host, President Joao Figueiredo, and "the people of Bolivia." In an effort to recover, he explains that Bolivia is "where we're going next," though Colombia is next on the itinerary and no stops in Bolivia are planned.

12/4/82

President Reagan returns home from his five-day trip to Latin America. "Well, I learned a lot," he tells reporters. "You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries." An aide is soon sent out to explain that the President certainly didn't mean to imply that he was surprised by this.

12/4/82

New York Times: U.S. JOBLESS RATE CLIMBS TO 10.8%, A POSTWAR RECORD / 11.9 MILLION OUT OF WORK

12/9/82

"Sometimes I look out there at Pennsylvania Avenue and see people bustling along, and it suddenly dawns on me that probably never again can I just say, 'Hey, I'm going down to the drugstore to look at the magazines.'"

--President Reagan discussing his feelings of confinement with a People reporter

12/15/82

Literary agent Bill Adler announces that The Deaver Diet, recounting the White House aide's 35-pound weight loss, will be published in early 1984. Adler says the book will consist of 75% diet, 20% exercise and 5% "inspiration."

12/16/82

"I sometimes look out the window at Pennsylvania Avenue and wonder what it would be like to be able to just walk down the street to the corner drugstore and look at the magazines. I can't do that anymore."

--President Reagan spontaneously conveying one of his regrets to The Washington Post

12/18/82

"I sometimes look out the window at Pennsylvania Avenue and wonder what it would be like to be able to just walk down the street to the corner drugstore and look at the magazines. I can't do that anymore."

--President Reagan sharing a sudden thought with a radio interviewer

12/20/82

A malignant growth is removed from Nancy Reagan's upper lip.

12/21/82

Congress passes the Boland Amendment, barring the CIA and Defense Department from funding the overthrow of the Nicaraguan government.

12/23/82

President Reagan suggests that the key to solving the unemployment problem could very well be something as simple as hiring unnecessary workers. "If a lot of businesses ... could hire just one person," he says, "it would be interesting to see how much we can reduce these unemployment rolls."

12/28/82

Posing on the deck of the battleship New Jersey, President Reagan reports that he has "the strange feeling that I'm back on the set filming Hellcats of the Navy."

JANUARY 1983

1/4/83

Three weeks after the House cited Environmental Protection Agency chief Anne Gorsuch (known by colleagues as the "Ice Queen") for contempt of Congress for her refusal – at President Reagan's insistence – to turn over subpoenaed documents pertaining to her agency's handling of its $1.6 billion toxic waste clean-up fund, two shredders are delivered to the offices of the EPA.

1/10/83

Health and Human Services Secretary Richard Schweiker proposes a "tattletale rule" that would force federally funded clinics to inform parents when teen-age girls receive birth-control devices.

1/10/83

"I've had it up to my keister with these leaks!"

--President Reagan complaining about loose-lipped members of his Administration, as reported by aide David Gergen, widely believed to be a prime leaker

1/11/83

The New York Times explains that "keister" is a "slang term for rump."

1/13/83

"The Reagan White House has pioneered the New Graft. Instead of selling influence, sell your White House celebrity ..."

--Columnist William Safire suggesting that perhaps there is something unseemly about White House PR guru Michael Deaver trading on his position to sell a diet book

1/18/83

"The President and Cap [Weinberger] sit around and talk about how workfare got surfers off the beach in California. They have no concept of what is going on."

--Unnamed aide on President Reagan's failure to comprehend the seriousness of the recession

1/20/83

In an interview with Business Week, James Watt – who has described environmentalists as "a left-wing cult dedicated to bringing down the type of government I believe in" – compares them to Nazis. "Look what happened to Germany in the 1930s," he says. "The dignity of man was subordinated to the powers of Nazism ... Those are the forces that this can evolve into." Observes Wilderness Society chairman Gaylord Nelson, "I think the secretary has gone bonkers."

1/20/83

President Reagan tells reporters about "the ten commandments of Nikolai Lenin ... the guiding principles of Communism," among them "that promises are like pie crust, made to be broken." Soviet scholars claim that no such commandments exist, and point out that Lenin's name was Vladimir.

1/25/83

"For a White House aide to publish a diet book while jobless totals rise and cheese lines lengthen is a sure setup for Johnny Carson."

--New York Times editorial on The Deaver Diet, which is never published

1/25/83

"For the last thirty years he's been in a dream world ... I think he actually believes that giving more to rich people will make them work harder, whereas the only way to make poor people work is to tax their unemployment benefits."

--NAACP executive director Benjamin Hooks, unimpressed by President Reagan's understanding of the underclass

1/26/83

Having traveled to a Boston bar to show solidarity with the working class, President Reagan dismays his handlers by instead urging the abolition of the corporate income tax, something there is much less enthusiasm for among this crowd.

1/30/83

Congratulating Redskins coach Joe Gibbs in the inevitable post-Super Bowl phone call, President Reagan pays special tribute to MVP John Riggins. "Would he mind," asks the President, "if I changed my spelling so it had an 'i' and a couple of 'g's in it?" In fact, the President does not change the spelling of his name.

1/31/83

"Has anyone stopped to consider that the best way to balance the federal budget is not by taxing people into the poorhouse and it's not by cutting spending to the bone, but by all of us simply trying to live up to the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule?"

--President Reagan to a convention of religious broadcasters

1/31/83

Penthouse publishes an interview-by-mail with John W. Hinckley Jr., who declares himself "a poet first and a would-be assassin last" and says he's become a "strong advocate" of gun control.

FEBRUARY 1983

2/4/83

Singer Karen Carpenter, 32, dies of heart failure after years of battling anorexia nervosa.

2/4/83

Amid charges of political manipulation of the Environmental Protection Agency's toxic waste clean-up – including "sweetheart" settlements with some of the worst offenders – EPA head Anne Gorsuch demands the resignation of aide Rita Lavelle, who chooses instead to be fired. Within a week, six congressional subcommittees are poised to investigate allegations of perjury, conflict of interest and destruction of subpoenaed documents in connection with the growing scandal.

2/4/83

During a difficult point in her husband's 15th press conference, Nancy Reagan barges on stage carrying a birthday cake, instantly turning a news event into entertainment. Observes the President erroneously of his upcoming 72nd: "It's just the 31st anniversary of my 39th birthday."

2/15/83

New York Times: REAGAN MISSTATEMENTS GETTING LESS ATTENTION

2/16/83

At his 16th press conference, President Reagan reaffirms his confidence in Anne Gorsuch, complaining that her "splendid record" – which includes having reduced by almost two-thirds the number of environmental cases being referred for prosecution – is "being overlooked in the flurry of accusations."

2/17/83

Claiming to represent a "new political generation" with "new ideas," Colorado Sen. Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination. His advisers have to remind him to kiss his wife Lee – from whom he has twice been separated – to demonstrate that they are now, in the words of an aide, "together for good."

2/21/83

"I am ready to be President of the United States."

--Former Vice President Walter (Fritz) Mondale announcing his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination

2/22/83

Beleaguered by charges that the EPA has been sluggish in cleaning up hazardous waste sites, Anne Gorsuch – who has gotten married over the weekend and is now Anne Burford – announces that the government will buy out all homeowners and businesses in dioxin-tainted Times Beach, Missouri.

2/24/83

Three Canadian documentaries, including the Academy Award nominee If You Love This Planet, are classified as "political propaganda" by the Justice Department.

2/25/83

Playwright Tennessee Williams dies in New York after swallowing the cap of a small plastic bottle. New York newsman Storm Field calls him "Tennessee Ernie Williams."

2/27/83

The Sunday supplement Parade prints this query: "After Watergate, wasn't Richard M. Nixon secretly committed to a mental institution run by Quakers and replaced by the CIA with a Hollywood double? Isn't this the real reason why his wife, Pat, refuses all interviews – because she is afraid reporters will ask about the look-alike she is living with, and she will have to tell?" None of this, the reader is assured, is true.

MARCH 1983

3/3/83

Unhappy with TV news coverage of his administration, President Reagan proposes that the networks report only "good news" for a week. "If the ratings go down," he says, "they can go back to bad news." Responds NBC's Paul Greenberg, "We'll cover the news and let him run the country."

3/4/83

Unemployed roofer Cecil Andrews calls a TV newsroom in Anniston, Alabama, urging that a crew be sent to the town square "to see somebody set himself on fire." Cameraman Ronald Simmons and sound man Gary Harris alert the police and head for the scene, where Andrews – soaked in lighter fluid – waits while they set up their equipment. They then roll 37 seconds of tape as he sets fire to his left thigh and, quickly changing his mind, screams for them to "put it out!" Harris tries but can't, and Andrews – in flames – runs across the square, where a volunteer fireman douses the fire. Andrews is hospitalized with second and third-degree burns over half his body. Says Simmons afterward, "My job is to record events as they happen."

3/5/83

"There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Washington was at Valley Forge."

--President Reagan revealing a little-known "fact" to Oregon lumbermen

3/6/83

At Big Dan's Tavern in New Bedford, Massachusetts, a young woman is gang-raped on a pool table while a crowd looks on appreciatively.

3/8/83

President Reagan tells a national convention of evangelicals that the Soviet Union is "the focus of evil in the modern world ... an evil empire." Says historian Henry Steele Commager, "It was the worst presidential speech in American history, and I've read them all."

3/9/83

President Reagan accepts Anne Burford's resignation, telling her she can leave the EPA with her "head held high."

3/11/83

"I don't think they'll be happy until the White House looks like a bird's nest."

--President Reagan accusing Burford critics of "environmental extremism"

3/15/83

Deputy national security adviser Thomas C. Reed resigns after it is reported that inside information enabled him to turn a $427,000 profit on a $3,125 investment.

3/19/83

"Let me tell you a true story about a boy we'll call Charlie. He was only 14 and he was burned out on marijuana ... One day, when his little sister wouldn't steal some money for him to go and buy some more drugs, he brutally beat her. The real truth is there's no such thing as soft drugs or hard drugs. All drugs are dumb ... Don't end up another Charlie."

--Nancy Reagan – image fully transformed from vapid society dame to concerned anti-drug crusader – appearing as herself on NBC's Diff'rent Strokes

3/22/83

"The President, in one of the rare times I have seen him really disgusted, threw his glasses down and said he's had it up to his keister with the banking industry."

--Sen. Bob Dole (R-KS) describing the activity at a GOP leadership meeting

3/23/83

The New York Times again explains that "keister" is a "slang term for rump."

3/23/83

In what will become known as his "Star Wars" speech, President Reagan proposes a space-based defense system to laser-blast incoming missiles out of the sky, just like in the movies. Just like one in particular: the 1940 film Murder In the Air, whose hero, Secret Service Agent Brass Bancroft (played by Ronald Reagan), gets involved with "The Inertia Projector," a death ray that can shoot down planes.

3/24/83

President Reagan meets with a group of GOP congresswomen who urge him to stay out of the debate if the Equal Rights Amendment is revived. "How would you like to trade?" he says. "I've got some amendments I'm very interested in, too. What about trading for making abortion illegal?" Says a witness, "You could hear people gasping all over the room."

3/28/83

Chicagoan Willie Bradley, 34, is stabbed to death by his girlfriend Verona Berkley, 42, during a dispute over whether to watch a basketball game (his choice) or the mini-series The Thorn Birds.

APRIL 1983

4/4/83

After two and a half months of repair-related delays, the space shuttle Challenger takes off on its first flight.

4/5/83

James Watt – who has said, "I think Americans now have the best Secretary of the Interior they've ever had" – bans rock music from the upcoming Fourth of July celebration at the Washington Mall because it attracts "the wrong element." Though the words "Beach" or "Boys" do not pass his lips, the story somehow becomes that Watt has attacked the Beach Boys.

4/7/83

In the face of support for the unmaligned Beach Boys from Vice President Bush and Nancy Reagan, James Watt rescinds his rock music ban. As a souvenir of his gaffe, President Reagan presents him with a plaster foot with a bullet hole.

4/14/83

President Reagan is asked if his administration is trying to overthrow the Sandinistas in Nicaragua. "No," he says, "because that would be violating the law."

4/18/83

17 Americans and 46 Lebanese are killed when a truck bomb plows into the US embassy in Beirut.

4/22/83

The West German magazine Stern announces "the journalistic scoop of the post-World War II period": the discovery of 62 volumes of Adolf Hitler's secret diaries – reportedly hidden in a hayloft for 35 years – that portray him as virtually unaware of the Holocaust. Says reporter Leo Pesch, "It was like reading notes left behind by a dull accountant." But, are they genuine? Hitler scholar Hugh Trevor-Roper verifies their authenticity, declaring, "I'm staking my reputation on it."

4/27/83

President Reagan asks Congress for $600 million for his Central American policies, pointing out – as if it had some relevance – that this "is less than one-tenth of what Americans will spend this year on coin-operated video games."

MAY 1983

5/1/83

Nancy Reagan receives an honorary doctorate of law from California's Pepperdine University, which also gave one to her husband while he was governor. Asks Nancy, "Do you think we'll have to call each other doctor from now on?" Everyone laughs and laughs.

5/4/83

"Don't you fellows have to vote?"

--President Reagan, unaware that the three Republican congressmen visiting him were defeated six months ago

5/4/83

President Reagan lauds the Nicaraguan contras as "freedom fighters" and observes that nuclear weapons "can't help but have an effect on the population as a whole."

5/6/83

The Hitler diaries are revealed to be a hoax. Among the discrepancies noted: the paper, glue, ink and parts of the covers were all made after the war. Handwriting expert Kenneth Rendell tells Newsweek they "were not only forgeries, they were bad forgeries." Stern publisher Henri Nannen says, "We have some reason to be ashamed," and Hugh Trevor-Roper – he of the vanishing reputation – says, "I'm extremely sorry."

5/11/83

Deputy Commerce Secretary Guy W. Fiske resigns after it is disclosed that he was interviewing for a job as president of a communications satellite company at the same time he was involved in the decision to sell the government's weather satellites to private industry.

5/16/83

Performing "Billie Jean" on NBC's Motown 25th Anniversary special, Michael Jackson suddenly begins dancing backward across the stage and, with this move, becomes the biggest star of the decade.

5/18/83

During a speech to the White House News Photographers dinner, President Reagan sticks his thumbs in his ears and wiggles his fingers. Says the leader of the free world, "I've been waiting years to do this."

5/28/83

"I put them aside and spent the evening with Julie Andrews."

--President Reagan telling aides that, rather than reading his briefing books, he spent the eve of the Williamsburg economic summit watching The Sound of Music

JUNE 1983

6/7/83

"It was really funny. I was sitting there so worried about throw weight, and Reagan suddenly asks us if we've seen WarGames."

--Unnamed congressman describing a White House meeting about arms control at which the President revealed that averting a movie nuclear catastrophe was far more interesting to him than the nuts and bolts of preventing a real-life one

6/9/83

In his book, Gambling With History, Time correspondent Laurence Barrett reveals that Reagan campaign aides had "filched" the Carter camp's briefing papers to help prepare their candidate for the 1980 debate. The irrepressible David Stockman turns out to have been Barrett's source.

6/9/83

Addressing a forum in Minnesota, President Reagan is asked how the Federal Government plans to respond to a report on education that he has "approved ... in its entirety." He is unable to provide anything more specific than that he is "going to have meetings," and finally turns to Education Secretary T. H. Bell for help. "Could you fill in what I left out?" the President asks Bell. "I won't be offended."

6/10/83

"It embarrasses all of us as Americans to have to point out that the President of the United States is not telling the truth ... I want to believe that he doesn't know any better. I want to believe that those who furnish him those spurious statistics are the culprits and that the President of the United States is innocently making these statements, not aware of their total untruth."

--House Majority Leader Jim Wright on President Reagan's claim that he has increased federal aid to education

6/16/83

Ariela Gross, a 17-year-old New Jersey student, meets with President Reagan to present him with a petition supporting a nuclear freeze. She reports that the President "expressed the belief that there must be something wrong with the freeze if the Soviets want it."

6/18/83

The space shuttle Challenger lifts off in one of the smoothest launches yet, carrying among its crew of five physicists Sally Ride, the first American woman in space.

6/20/83

"This time they'll be 'feet people' and not 'boat people.'"

--President Reagan warning that congressional rejection of his Central American policies could result in "a tidal wave of refugees ... swarming into our country"

6/24/83

Dismissing the whole Carter briefing book affair as "much ado about nothing," President Reagan expresses doubt that "there ever was a briefing book as such." As to how his aides could have no memory of receiving the book if it did exist, he says, "Look, ask me what paper came to my desk last week and I couldn't tell you."

6/28/83

At his 18th press conference, President Reagan:

*Defends the ethics of his campaign's having accepted the Carter material – "Well, my answer is that it probably wasn't too much different from the press rushing into print with the Pentagon Papers"

*Supports William Casey's professed ignorance of its existence – "I can understand his very well not having paid any attention. He wasn't going to wade through a stack of papers. They didn't come in a binder or a cover or anything"

*Observes, lest he be perceived as a bit morally lax, that "there shouldn't be unethical things in a campaign."

6/29/83

President Reagan suggests that one cause of the decline in public education is the schools' efforts to comply with court-ordered desegregation.

6/29/83

President Reagan appears on a TV tribute to James Bond, where he speaks about the fictional secret agent as if he was a real human. "James Bond is a man of honor," says the President, "a symbol of real value to the free world." Says Tip O'Neill aide Chris Matthews, "This is the kind of thing we all thought Reagan would be doing if he had lost the '80 election."

JULY 1983

7/4/83

Rev. Jerry Falwell says that AIDS – which he calls a "gay plague" – is God's way of "spanking" us.

7/5/83

"It would be totally uncharacteristic and quite incredible that I would hand anybody a book I knew to be from the Carter campaign and say this might be helpful to the debate."

--William Casey denying James Baker's accusation that he was the source of the Carter briefing book, binder or no binder

7/6/83

Nancy Reagan, 62, celebrates her 60th birthday.

7/7/83

Vicki Morgan, 30, is bludgeoned to death with a baseball bat. Her roommate, Marvin Pancoast – whom she met four years ago when they were both patients at a mental hospital – confesses to the murder. "Vicki was special," Pancoast recalls fondly. "You just couldn't get enough of her." Until, of course, you could.

7/20/83

House Majority Leader Jim Wright recalls a conversation in which President Reagan voiced his suspicions about student loans: "'Well, Jim, I don't know,' he said. 'They tell me that a lot of these kids are taking out these loans and putting them in CDs [certificates of deposit] and not even going to college.'"

7/26/83

At his 19th press conference, President Reagan is asked why there are no women on his 12-man commission on Central America. "Maybe," he suggests, "it's because we're doing so much and appointing so many that we're no longer seeking a token or something."

7/26/83

Reagan appointee Thomas Ellis acknowledges at a Senate hearing that he belongs to an all-white country club, was a recent guest of the government of South Africa (where he has extensive holdings) and served as director of a group that financed research on the genetic inferiority of blacks. Still, he says, "I do not believe in my heart that I'm a racist." He withdraws his name two days later.

AUGUST 1983

8/2/83

Rep. Pat Schroeder (D-CO) says that Reagan is "perfecting the Teflon-coated presidency ... nothing sticks to him. He is responsible for nothing – civil rights, Central America, the Middle East, the economy, the environment. He is just the master of ceremonies at someone else's dinner."

8/2/83

Claiming to be "perplexed" by continuing accounts of Americans going hungry, President Reagan establishes a Task Force on Food Assistance to explain it to him.

8/3/83

New York Times: POVERTY RATE ROSE TO 15% IN '82, HIGHEST LEVEL SINCE MID-1960'S

8/3/83

President Reagan tells a convention of women's clubs, "If it wasn't for women, us men would still be walking around in skin suits carrying clubs." The gals are not amused.

8/4/83

Rita Lavelle is indicted for perjury in connection with her congressional testimony about the toxic waste cleanup fund.

8/13/83

Addressing a church group in Anaheim, California, James Watt compares those who fail to speak out against abortion to "the forces that created the Holocaust" by offering no resistance to Hitler.

8/22/83

Barbara Honegger resigns her job at the Justice Department after writing an Op-Ed piece for The Washington Post in which she calls Reagan's policies toward women "a sham." Described by a department spokesman as a "low-level munchkin," she holds a news conference three days later to display a photograph of herself with President Reagan. "They called me a Munchkin," she says. "This is me with the Wizard of Oz."

SEPTEMBER 1983

9/1/83

A Soviet fighter mistakenly shoots down Korean Air Lines flight 007 after it strays into Soviet airspace, killing 269. George Shultz calls Tip O'Neill to tell him about the incident. "What does the President think about this?" asks O'Neill. "We'll tell him when he wakes up," says Shultz. Only after CBS shows President Reagan on horseback at his ranch as the crisis unfolds does he reluctantly return to Washington.

9/8/83

"I think it's great. Now when I whisper sweet nothings in his ear, I know that he'll hear me."

--Nancy Reagan on her husband's new hearing aid

9/15/83

President Reagan wears his new hearing aid at a state dinner, prompting fashion-conscious guest Merv Griffin to exclaim, "I think everybody's running out to get them whether they need them or not." Despite Griffin's fatuous comment, there is in fact no surge in the purchase of unnecessary hearing aids.

9/17/83

Vanessa Williams (Miss New York) becomes the first black Miss America.

9/19/83

Press secretary Sheila Tate acknowledges that Nancy Reagan – whose recent weight loss has become the subject of considerable speculation – is down from a size 6 to a size 4. She denies that the First Lady is ill.

9/21/83

James Watt describes the makeup of his coal-leasing commission to a group of lobbyists. "We have every kind of mix you can have," he says. "I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple." As a public furor erupts, a spokesman explains that Watt "was attempting to convey that this is a very broadly based commission."

9/22/83

Despite James Watt's hastily written letter of apology to President Reagan, Bob Dole joins the swelling ranks of those calling for Watt's resignation. "I don't mind him shooting himself in the foot," says Dole, "but I don't think he should be wounding the President and the Republican party in the process."

9/23/83

National Kidney Foundation president Dr. David A. Ogden decries as "immoral and unethical" a plan by Virginia doctor H. Barry Jacobs to buy kidneys from poor people – among them, residents of Third World nations – and sell them to wealthier people who need kidney transplants.

9/27/83

Running the tired Superman shtick into the ground at a GOP fundraising dinner in Washington, Henry Kissinger bemoans the difficulties of commuting "from Krypton."

9/27/83

"If I thought he was bigoted or prejudiced, he wouldn't be part of our administration."

--President Reagan defending James Watt

9/27/83

Polio victim Bob Brostrom arrives at the White House on crutches to present 120,000 pieces of mail supporting James Watt. If Watt loses his job for saying "cripple," argues Brostrom, then hospitals for "crippled children" should change their names.

9/29/83

Society gossip columnist Suzy reports that Nancy Reagan is down to a size 2.

OCTOBER 1983

10/4/83

At a meeting with congressmen to discuss arms reduction, President Reagan – in office for almost three years – says he has only recently learned that most of the USSR's nuclear arsenal is land-based. This elementary information is essential to any rational thinking about disarmament.

10/9/83

Claiming that his "usefulness" to President Reagan "has come to an end," James Watt resigns. "The press tried to paint my hat black," he says of his troubled tenure, "but I had enough self-image to know the hat was white." He later assumes a crucifixion pose for photographers.

10/9/83

Ed Koch – having almost choked to death at a Chinese restaurant two years earlier – eats so much food and drinks so much wine at an Italian restaurant that he faints in the men's room.

10/11/83

"I'd tell them to 'just say no.'"

--Nancy Reagan, introducing her catch phrase – the magic words that will make the nation's drug problem go away

10/13/83

Senate Majority Leader Howard Baker is informed that President Reagan has appointed William Clark – as unqualified for this job as for all his others – to be the new Secretary of the Interior. "You're kidding," says Baker. "Now tell me who it really is."

10/16/83

Larry Flynt takes out a full-page ad in the nation's major newspapers to announce his candidacy for the presidency. Explaining that he is running as a Republican because he is "wealthy, white" and "pornographic," he pledges to "outdo James Watt. I promise to have a black, a woman, two Jews, a cripple, a homosexual, an Oriental ... and a Mexican in my Cabinet."

10/17/83

President Reagan appoints retired Marine Corps Lt. Col. Robert McFarlane as his third National Security Adviser, and names Rear Adm. John Poindexter to the NSC staff.

10/18/83

President Reagan is asked if he will pressure Turkey to help resolve unrest in Cyprus. "Oh," he says cluelessly, "I wish the Secretary of State were here."

10/19/83

Asked at his 20th press conference if he believes that Martin Luther King Jr. had Communist ties, President Reagan alludes to a court order sealing transcripts of phone taps until 2018, quipping, "We'll know in about 35 years, won't we?" And what about the safety of the US Marines in Beirut? "We're looking at everything that can be done to try and make their position safer," he says. "We're not sitting idly by."

10/23/83

A truck bomb at the US barracks in Beirut kills 241 Marines.

10/24/83

In the face of serious political strife on the island of Grenada, Larry Speakes calls press speculation about a US invasion "preposterous."

10/25/83

Claiming that US medical students there are in grave danger, President Reagan diverts attention from the Beirut fiasco by launching an invasion of Grenada. Lest there be any doubt about Presidential involvement in this decision, photos are released showing a pajama-clad Reagan – up at 5:15 a.m.! – being briefed on the situation. Curiously, reporters are prevented from covering the invasion.

10/26/83

American students from Grenada kiss the tarmac upon landing in South Carolina. Scoffs school bursar Gary Solin, "Our safety was never in danger. We were used by this government as an excuse to invade Grenada." President Reagan says US troops "got there just in time" to prevent a Cuban takeover.

10/31/83

"He only works three to three and a half hours a day. He doesn't do his homework. He doesn't read his briefing papers. It's sinful that this man is President of the United States."

--Tip O'Neill on Ronald Reagan

NOVEMBER 1983

11/2/83

Pretending that he didn't do all he could to prevent its passage, President Reagan signs a bill making Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a national holiday. When the crowd sings "We Shall Overcome," the President does not join in.

11/3/83

Rev. Jesse Jackson announces his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, claiming that he wants to "restore a moral tone" to the national discourse.

11/3/83

President Reagan explains that the action he ordered in Grenada was not an invasion but was, rather, a "rescue mission." As for a UN resolution deploring this action, "It didn't upset my breakfast at all."

11/3/83

"Be sure to wear clean, hole-less socks, as you will be required to remove your shoes before entering."

--Memo from Nancy Reagan to reporters covering her upcoming visit to a Tokyo art exhibit

11/7/83

The New York Times reports a city plan to improve the lives of South Bronx residents by pasting vinyl decals – featuring cheery images of curtains, shades, shutters and plants – on the boarded-up windows of abandoned tenements. Says a housing official, "Perception is reality."

11/7/83

For the second time in four months, Vice President Bush breaks a Senate tie by voting to resume the production of nerve gas.

11/10/83

President Reagan phones Vice President Bush's mother, Dorothy, to assure her that her boy did the right thing by voting in favor of chemical weapons. "He didn't talk about nerve gas," says Ma Bush, "but I knew what the idea was."

11/12/83

Reporter William Geist reveals that South Bronx residents have suggested the expansion of the decal program "to provide designer clothing decals to place over ... tattered apparel," along with "large Mercedes-Benz decals to strap to their sides" and "decals of strip sirloin for them to eat."

11/20/83

One hundred million people see the town of Lawrence, Kansas destroyed in The Day After, an ABC movie about the aftermath of a nuclear attack. The Administration – terrified that the film might remind people how scared they are of President Reagan's hostility to arms control – trots out Secretary of State George Shultz afterward to assure viewers there isn't going to be a war.

11/22/83

Navy Secretary John Lehman announces changes in procurement techniques designed to eliminate expenditures like $1,118 for a 17-cent plastic stool leg cap, or $2,043 for a 13-cent nut, or $9,606 for a 12-cent Allen wrench.

DECEMBER 1983

12/1/83

Rita Lavelle is convicted of three counts of perjury and of obstructing a congressional investigation. She gets six months and a $10,000 fine.

12/1/83

At the Golden Nugget, Frank Sinatra tells South Korean blackjack dealer Kyong Kim to "go back to China" when she refuses to break New Jersey rules and deal his cards face down from her hand, rather than face up from a mechanical "shoe." She accedes to his wishes when he threatens never to sing at the hotel again – and to have her fired – if she doesn't.

12/3/83

Concrete barricades are erected in front of the White House to prevent truck bombers from cruising in as easily as they seem to in Beirut.

12/3/83

"There is no question that many well-intentioned Great Society-type programs contributed to family break-ups, welfare dependency and a large increase in births out of wedlock."

--President Reagan blaming the problems of the poor on anti-poverty programs

12/3/83

"She's a great lady. When I say she's a woman, I'm talking about people who are superior to men. Please don't print what I just said."

--US Information Agency chief Charles Wick, who has just claimed that British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher opposed the invasion of Grenada because she's "a woman"

12/6/83

The Israeli newspaper Maariv reports that during a meeting with Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, President Reagan – who spent World War II making training films in Hollywood – claimed to have served as a photographer in an army unit filming the horrors of Nazi death camps. Shamir says Reagan also claimed to have saved a copy in case there was ever any question as to whether things had really been so bad. When asked just that question by a family member, Shamir quotes him as saying, "This is the time for which I saved the film, and I showed it to a group of people who couldn't believe their eyes."

12/6/83

"[Not] until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together. There have been times in the past when people thought the end of the world was coming, and so forth, but never anything like this."

--President Reagan revealing a disturbing view about the "coming of Armageddon"

12/8/83

Continuing his tradition of holiday season insensitivity, an obviously well-fed Ed Meese scoffs at the notion that the Administration's policies are unnecessarily cruel to the poor. "I don't know of any authoritative figures that there are hungry children," he declares. "I've heard a lot of anecdotal stuff, but I haven't heard any authoritative figures ... I think some people are going to soup kitchens voluntarily. I know we've had considerable information that people go to soup kitchens because the food is free and that that's easier than paying for it ... I think that they have money."

12/12/83

"A B-17 coming back across the channel from a raid over Europe, badly shot up by anti-aircraft ... The young ball-turret gunner was wounded, and they couldn't get him out of the turret there while flying. But over the channel, the plane began to lose altitude, and the commander had to order bail out. And as the men started to leave the plane, the last one to leave – the boy, understandably, knowing he was being left behind to go down with the plane, cried out in terror – the last man to leave the plane saw the commander sit down on the floor. He took the boy's hand and said, 'Never mind, son, we'll ride it down together.' Congressional Medal of honor posthumously awarded."

--President Reagan addressing the Congressional Medal of Honor Society

12/12/83

Introducing this year's White House Santa, black action star Mr. T, as "a man who I admire a lot," Nancy Reagan plops herself in his lap and plants a kiss on the top of his bald head.

12/15/83

Ed Meese tells the National Press Club that literature's classic miser, Ebenezer Scrooge, to whom he has recently been compared, suffered from a "bad press in his time. If you really look at the facts, he didn't exploit Bob Cratchit." Explains Meese, "Bob Cratchit was paid ten shillings a week, which was a very good wage at that time ... Bob, in fact, had good cause to be happy with his situation. He lived in a house, not a tenement. His wife didn't have to work ... He was able to afford the traditional Christmas dinner of roast goose and plum pudding ... So let's be fair to Scrooge. He had his faults, but he wasn't unfair to anyone."

12/16/83

Columnist Lars-Erik Nelson – after checking the citations on all 434 Congressional Medals of Honor awarded during World War II – reveals that not one of them matches the story President Reagan told the other day. "It's not true," writes Nelson. "It didn't happen. It's a Reagan story ... The President of the United States went before an audience of 300 real Congressional Medal of Honor winners and told them about a make-believe Medal of Honor winner." Responds Larry Speakes, "If you tell the same story five times, it's true."

12/20/83

At his 21st press conference, President Reagan claims that El Salvador has "a 400-year history of military dictatorships," though the first military regime didn't take power until 1931.

12/21/83

The Washington Post reports that the White House is feverishly searching the Medal of Honor files in an effort to verify President Reagan's story. Says a researcher, "We will find it." They never do.

12/21/83

Gerald and Betty Ford and Henry Kissinger make "special guest star" appearances on the cheesy night-time soap Dynasty, where actress Joan Collins' character tells Kissinger, "Henry, hello! ... I haven't seen you since Portofino," she says, adding lewdly, "It was fun." He is identified in the credits as "Dr. Henry Kissinger."

12/24/83

At a Chicago celebration for the 12th anniversary of his organization Operation PUSH, Rev. Jesse Jackson hops into Mr. T's lap, though he does not kiss his head.

12/26/83

"I've never done it without telling."

--Charles Wick – who returned from a trip to Africa with the observation that "some of them have marvelous minds, those black people over there" – denying that he ever secretly recorded telephone conversations

12/27/83

"I often advised the caller that I was recording the conversation or a portion of it, but in haste I did not do this consistently."

--Charles Wick telling The New York Times that, upon reflection, perhaps he does recall having done a little secret taping

12/28/83

Dr. George Graham, a member of the President's Task Force on Food Assistance, says he doubts that "anyone in their right mind believes that there is a massive hunger problem." He further claims that black children are "probably the best-nourished group in the United States."

12/28/83

Lars-Erik Nelson reports that a reader saw a scene very similar to President Reagan's Medal of Honor story in the 1944 movie Wing and a Prayer. "Adding to the confusion," writes Nelson, "Dana Andrews at one point reprimands a glory-seeking young pilot with the words: 'This isn't Hollywood.' ... You could understand that some in the audience might confuse reality with fiction."

JANUARY 1984

1/4/84

Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Thayer resigns amid charges of insider trading. He serves 19 months for perjury and obstruction of justice.

1/9/84

Charles Wick celebrates Richard Nixon's 71st birthday by apologizing for secretly taping "a small percentage" of his phone conversations.

1/10/84

Washington Post: REAGAN TASK FORCE FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF GREAT HUNGER

1/11/84

Columnist Lars-Erik Nelson suggests another source for the Medal of Honor story: an apocryphal item in the April 1944 issue of Reader's Digest, a magazine known to be a life-long Reagan favorite. "The bomber had been almost ripped apart by German cannon," it read. "The ball turret gunner was badly wounded and stuck in the blister on the underside of the fuselage. Crewmen worked frantically to extricate the youngster, but there was nothing they could do. They began to jump. The terror-stricken lad screamed in fear as he saw what was happening. The last man to jump heard the remaining crewman, a gunner, say, 'Take it easy, kid. We'll take this ride together.'"

1/15/84

"If you deal with text out of context, you have a pretext."

--Jesse Jackson speaking gobbledygook at a Democratic primary debate

1/16/84

A testy Gary Hart – "the candidate with new ideas," as his campaign literature describes him – admits that he was born in 1936 and not, as he has been claiming for years, 1937. "It's whenever the records say," he says. "It's not a big deal." He later explains that the discrepancy stems from some "lighthearted" family controversy about his mother's age, though his uncle, Ralph Hartpence doubts Gary's mother – by all accounts a severe, humorless woman – "had anything to do with it."

Doubt is also cast on the candidate's claim that the 1961 change in the family name from Hartpence to Hart was initiated by his parents. Uncle Ralph thinks Gary foresaw a political career for himself and wanted to embark upon it without his childhood nickname, "Hot Pants," coming back to haunt him.

1/17/84

The Supreme Court rules 5-4 that recording TV broadcasts with a VCR is legal, sparing the government a serious enforcement dilemma.

1/20/84

During a White House meeting about acid rain, President Reagan repeatedly calls EPA chief William Ruckelshaus "Don."

Chief of staff James Baker finally slips the President a note telling him to stop.

1/22/84

"You've given me some problems. I have already had a call from Moscow. They think that Marcus Allen is a new secret weapon and they insist that we dismantle him."

--President Reagan injecting inane Soviet-bashing into his inevitable post-Super Bowl call congratulating Raiders coach Tom Flores

1/23/84

President Reagan nominates Ed Meese as the new head of the Justice Department. Observes Sen. Howard Metzenbaum (D-OH), "William French Smith has not been a distinguished attorney general, but this is getting ridiculous."

1/27/84

"You find yourself remembering what it was like when on the spur of the moment you could just yell to your wife that you were going down to the drugstore and get a magazine. You can't do that anymore."

--President Reagan telling Time a story he hasn't told the magazine in more than 17 months

1/31/84

Having declared his candidacy for re-election, President Reagan defends himself against charges of callousness on Good Morning America, arguing that you can't help those who simply will not be helped. "One problem that we've had, even in the best of times," says the President, "is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice." Does David Hartman ask him to explain the idea of someone choosing homelessness? Of course not.

FEBRUARY 1984

2/2/84

"The White House is engaging in a new form of McCarthyism – Charlie McCarthyism."

--Tip O'Neill aide Chris Matthews on the propensity for underlings to speak for the President

2/2/84

"If you could add together the power of prayer of the people just in this room, what would be its megatonnage?"

--President Reagan posing an unanswerable question at a national prayer breakfast

2/6/84

President Reagan celebrates his 73rd birthday – "the 34th anniversary of my 39th birthday" – in his hometown of Dixon, Illinois. "It's great to be back home," he says. "And, you know, if our old house on Hennepin Avenue looked as good in 1924 as it does now, I might never have left." Everyone laughs and laughs.

2/7/84

President Reagan announces plans to get the Marines out of Beirut and onto offshore ships, describing the retreat as "decisive new steps." Explains Larry Speakes, "We don't consider this a withdrawal but more of a redeployment."

2/12/84

"Can a handicapped person run the nation? One is now!"

--Jesse Jackson, dismissing the notion that a disabled person could not be President

2/13/84

The Washington Post reports that Jesse Jackson, in private conversations, "has referred to Jews as 'Hymie' and to New York as 'Hymietown.'"

2/16/84

Welcoming Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal and Rabbi Marvin Hier to the White House, President Reagan again claims, according to Hier, to have "photographed Nazi atrocities while he was with the Signal Corps." When reporters question this account, James Baker elicits from Reagan the clarification that he "never left the country" during the war and "never told anyone that he did." As to how Shamir and Hier – in two separate meetings – could have come away with the same wrong story, Baker has no explanation.

2/17/84

While an aide 30 feet away briefs reporters on the pullout of Marines from Lebanon, President Reagan fulfills the duties of his office by arm-wrestling for the cameras with the publisher of a body-building magazine.

2/20/84

New York Times: REAGAN REPORTED IN DARK ON TALKS / SECURITY AIDE SAYS PRESIDENT WAS UNAWARE OF CONTACTS U.S. HAD WITH P.L.O.

2/23/84

"Our country stands before two paths ... our past and our future ... one path ... the course of the old ... other path ... new leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new strategies ... new generation of leadership ... new ways ... new help ... new generation of leadership ... new job skills ... new tax ... new generation of leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new generation of leadership ... new path ..."

--Excerpts from the basic Gary Hart campaign speech, which evokes comments from supporters like, "He's doing the things that ought to be done, whatever that is," "I'm really excited about him. He's got new ways of doing things," and "Hart. John Hart. I like him"

2/23/84

At a debate in New Hampshire, Jesse Jackson tells moderator Barbara Walters he has "no recollection" of using the terms "Hymie" or "Hymietown."

2/25/84

"I'm here! It's me! It's Mayor Koch! I'm here!"

--New York mayor Ed Koch at the Berlin Wall, announcing his presence to East German soldiers who wonder why a fat bald man is braying at them

2/26/84

"That he was governor. That he went up to the moon. You know – he's well-known."

--New Hampshire voter Sheila Brace explaining her support in the Democratic primary for Ohio Sen. John Glenn, who was neither a governor nor a visitor to the moon

2/26/84

Questioned by Lesley Stahl about the confusion over his age, Gary Hart declares, "I was born in 1936." But why, then, do his official and campaign biographies say 1937? "I can't account for every piece of paper that's been written by my campaign or anyone else." So, it turns out it wasn't his fault at all.

Later, he takes part in an axe-hurling contest. Though he misses his target several times, the clip seen on the evening news – validating his aura of momentum – shows his single bulls-eye.

2/26/84

Jesse Jackson appears at a Manchester synagogue to say that, yes, now that he thinks about it, he does recall referring to Jews as "Hymie" and New York as "Hymietown" after all, though it "was not done in the spirit of meanness."

2/28/84

The newly discovered voting bloc "Young Urban Professionals" ("Yuppies") – upwardly mobile baby boomers eager to abandon idealism for materialism – gives Gary Hart (or, as he's becoming known among the press, "His Newness") a surprise 10-point victory over Walter Mondale in New Hampshire. Says Johnny Carson of the winner, "I like his slogan: 'Vote for me, I have Kennedy hair.'"

MARCH 1984

3/2/84

"When Democratic voters start displaying their volatility, we can choose one of two explanations: they are moved by excitement or by ennui. The evidence of New Hampshire powerfully suggests that they are bored. Its Democrats were already tired of Mondale, who is the husband type and they turned in their weariness to Hart, who seems the boyfriend type."

--Columnist Murray Kempton

3/4/84

The Reagans celebrate their 32nd wedding anniversary. Just as, on their 29th anniversary, Nancy said, "It seems like 29 minutes," and on their 30th anniversary she said, "It feels like 30 minutes," so here does she say, "I cannot believe it's been 32 years. It seems like 32 minutes."

3/6/84

Attacking the President for saying things about him "when he knows them to be untrue," Jimmy Carter observes, "President Reagan doesn't always check the facts before he makes statements, and the press accepts this as kind of amusing."

3/6/84

Washington Post: DEVELOPER SAYS HE DISCUSSED JOB AFTER HELPING SELL MEESE'S HOUSE

3/7/84

New York Times: APPOINTEE TELLS OF LOANS ARRANGED FOR MEESE

3/9/84

Defending his failure to attend church, President Reagan piously observes, "Frankly, I miss it very much. But I represent too much of a threat to too many other people for me to be able to go to church." But, then, why does he not hold services in the White House, as previous Presidents have done? No one asks.

3/11/84

During a debate in Atlanta, Gary Hart is asked what he would do as President if a Czechoslovak passenger jet heading toward Strategic Air Command bases ignored US warnings to turn back. "If the people they looked in and saw had uniforms on, I would shoot the aircraft down," he says. "If they were civilians, I would just let them keep going." Observes former jet fighter pilot John Glenn, to appreciative chuckles, "You don't go peeking in the windows to see if they have uniforms on."

Later, Mondale gets his licks in, telling Hart, "When I hear your new ideas, I'm reminded of that ad, 'Where's the beef?'" This adoption of the slogan from a popular hamburger commercial proves so devastating that Mondale jokes that he should fire his speechwriters and researchers and "hire somebody from Hee-Haw."

3/13/84

Gary Hart wins six Super Tuesday contests (Florida, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Nevada, Oklahoma and Washington) though the media – eager to keep the race alive – interprets Mondale's ability to avoid a shutout (he wins Georgia and Alabama) as a victory of sorts. On NBC, Roger Mudd asks Hart, "Why do you imitate John Kennedy so much?" Hart says he doesn't. Undeterred, Mudd shifts to a different brother. "Will you do your Teddy Kennedy imitation for me now?" he asks. "I've heard it's hilarious." Hart, unamused – as he so often is – declines.

3/13/84

Attorney general-designate Edwin Meese admits that he "inadvertently failed to list" in his financial disclosure statements a $15,000 interest-free loan from a man who received a federal job not long after, as did his wife and son and several other Meese friends who helped him out financially. He explains that "it never occurred to me that an interest-free loan was a thing of value."

3/15/84

An indignant Gary Hart attacks Walter Mondale for airing ads in Illinois that raise the issues of Hart's age and name changes. He apologizes two hours later after learning that no such spots have been broadcast.

3/17/84

Gary Hart apologizes for a TV spot attacking Cook County Democratic chairman Edward Vrdolyak. Though Hart claims the ad has been pulled, a series of failed communications keeps it on the air all weekend. "Here's a person who wants to be President of the United States," observes Mondale, "and he can't get an ad off television." Hart – who expected to win Illinois – loses by six points. His aura of invincibility evaporates, and the Mondale comeback commences.

3/22/84

"The standard for the attorney general nominee should not be: can he prove he is not a felon?"

--Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE) expressing his doubts about the Meese nomination

3/23/84

Gary Hart addresses the continuing questions about his background. "When I tell the truth, I expect my word to be taken as truth," he says testily. "Obviously, if I don't tell the truth and people can prove it, that's a very disastrous thing."

3/25/84

New York Times: MEESE SAYS HE NEVER CONSIDERED THAT LOAN MIGHT LOOK IMPROPER

3/28/84

Disapproving of artificial means to prolong life in an increasingly overcrowded world, Colorado governor Richard Lamm says – perhaps too bluntly – that terminally ill elderly people have a "duty to die and get out of the way."

3/29/84

"When I throw my glasses, they know I'm angry."

--President Reagan explaining how his aides can tell he's upset – besides, of course, when he talks about his "keister"

APRIL 1984

4/1/84

On the eve of his 45th birthday, Marvin Gaye – in the midst of a significant career comeback – gets into a fight with his father, who shoots him to death.

4/2/84

"We have taken that question out of the game because it is distasteful in this country."

--Selchow and Righter executive John Nason confirming that the question, "How many months pregnant was Nancy Davis when she walked down the aisle with Ronald Reagan?" has been removed from the American version of Trivial Pursuit (The answer: Two and a half)

4/4/84

President Reagan is asked about the perception that his administration helps the rich at the expense of the poor. "Oh, I'm concerned about it," he says. "It's a political problem if people believe it, but there's absolutely no truth in it."

4/5/84

"The deaths lie on him and the defeat in Lebanon lies on him and him alone ... The trouble with this fellow is he tries to be tough rather than smart."

--Tip O'Neill rejecting President Reagan's claim that congressional criticism of US policy encouraged terrorist attacks

4/6/84

Washington Post: MEESE APPARENTLY FAILED TO REPORT REIMBURSEMENTS

4/8/84

Richard M. Nixon returns to television in a series of interviews, conducted by former aide Frank Gannon, for which CBS paid $500,000. Among the highlights:

*His acknowledgement that it's the media's responsibility to examine the President "with a microscope ... but when they use a proctoscope it's going too far"

*His description of his 1974 call to George Wallace, trying – and failing – to get him to exert influence over a Democratic senator on the House Judiciary Committee. "As I hung up the phone, I knew it was all over," he says. "I turned to Al Haig. I said, 'Well, there goes the presidency'"

*His claim that being "the most vilified man" in American politics "didn't bother me that much, but believe me, it bothered my family."

4/9/84

Barry Goldwater writes to William Casey protesting the mining of Nicaraguan harbors. "It gets down to one, little, simple phrase: I am pissed off!" he says. "This is an act violating international law. It is an act of war."

4/9/84

One day after his administration announced it will not recognize the World Court's jurisdiction over the mining of Nicaraguan harbors, President Reagan proclaims May 1 as "Law Day USA." Says the President, "Without law, there can be no freedom, only chaos and disorder."

4/9/84

The National Enquirer reports that John W. Hinckley Jr. "has found love behind the walls of his mental hospital" and is romantically involved with Leslie deVeau, a 40-year-old Washington socialite who shotgunned her daughter to death, then lost an arm in a suicide attempt. Or, as the New York Post puts it, "HINCKLEY HAS HOTS FOR ONE-ARMED SOCIALITE KID-KILLER."

4/11/84

The Chicago Tribune reports that one of Jesse Jackson's most prominent supporters, Rev. Louis Farrakhan, referred to Hitler as "a very great man," though, to be sure, "wickedly great."

4/13/84

"The beef is here tonight!"

--Rev. Jerry Falwell introducing President Reagan at a fundamentalist rally

4/22/84

"I think I really wanted to write my biography more to be able to mention that Jack Kennedy and I were friends than anything else."

--Jerry Lewis in Parade

4/25/84

James Baker is asked if he's ever been to a Communist country. "Well," he replies, "I've been to Massachusetts."

4/26/84

William Casey apologizes to the Senate Intelligence Committee for keeping the Nicaraguan mining a secret.

4/27/84

Nancy Reagan presents a Peking zoo with a check for $13,077 raised in America to help China's starving pandas. Jesse Jackson notes that senior citizens in the US are "eating cat and dog food" while the First Family is "over there feeding Communist pandas."

4/29/84

The Reagans travel to Xi'an, where they pose at an excavation site among a group of 2,200-year-old life-size statues. They then visit a hastily created "free market" where local citizens pretend to inspect the merchandise as if they were really shopping. President Reagan says the market – created solely for the purpose of being photographed and instantly dismantled – shows that capitalism in China is "flourishing."

4/30/84

Students at Shanghai's University of Fudan ask President Reagan which experiences best prepared him for his current career. "You'd be surprised," he tells them, "how much being a good actor pays off."

4/30/84

The National Enquirer points out that Gary Hart's new signature – yes, he's changed that, too – bears a disturbing resemblance to Richard Nixon's. "Both Hart and Nixon use large capital letters, indicative of a massive ego and overpowering ambition," says handwriting expert Robert Wasserman, who says both signatures are very hard to read. "Indecipherable signatures reveal that the person has something to hide," he adds, noting that Nixon's had become "very unreadable" by the time he reached the White House. "If Hart was a used car salesman and I saw his signature on a contract, I'd be worried."

MAY 1984

5/1/84

"He thought they were the Smith Brothers."

--Larry Speakes on President Reagan's reaction to Peking wall posters of Stalin, Lenin, Marx and Engels

5/9/84

Richard M. Nixon's comeback continues as he is warmly received at the annual meeting of the American Society of Newspaper Editors, where he predicts that Mondale won't pick a female running mate. Says the renowned political seer, "He's going to take either Bentsen or Hart."

5/12/84

During a white-water river trip in Oregon, Gary Hart has to be talked out of trying to run a particularly hazardous rapid. Explains the would-be most powerful man on the planet, "I love danger!"

5/12/84

The number two man at the Housing Department, Philip Abrams, expresses doubt that Hispanics live in crowded homes because of poverty. "I don't think so," he says. "I'm told that they don't mind and they prefer, some prefer, doubling up ... It's a cultural preference, I'm told."

5/14/84

Declaring, "Well, isn't this a thriller?" President Reagan presents Michael Jackson with an award for allowing "Beat It" to be used in anti-drunk driving ads. Jackson later avoids gawking adult fans by locking himself in a White House men's room.

5/15/84

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee rejects the nomination of Leslie Lenkowsky to be deputy director of the US Information Agency because of his involvement in, and lying about, the blacklisting of 95 prominent Americans of a non-right- wing persuasion – among them Walter Cronkite and Coretta Scott King – from the USIA's overseas speaking program.

5/22/84

Asked about the possibility of secret funds going to the contras, President Reagan declares, "Nothing of that kind could take place without the knowledge of Congress."

5/25/84

Gary Hart tells supporters at a Los Angeles fundraiser that he has just been reunited – after what he implies was a painful campaign-induced separation – with his wife, Lee. "She campaigns in California," he says enviously, "and I campaign in New Jersey."

"I got to hold a koala bear," says Lee.

"I won't tell you what I got to hold," Hart chuckles, oblivious to how these jokes will play back east. "Samples from a toxic waste dump."

5/28/84

"I was just talking about the hazards of commuting coast- to-coast. That's all I said. The people of New Jersey are more intelligent than that. They know a remark made in jest and lightheartedly, about having to commute coast-to-coast to see my wife, was not meant disparagingly about this state."

--Gary Hart in the process of blowing a 15-point lead in the state

JUNE 1984

6/4/84

Washington Post: MERIT BOARD CHIEF SAID TO HELP FRIEND OF MEESE GET JOB

6/6/84

"I will be the nominee of the Democratic Party."

--Walter Mondale, who has been described by an adviser as someone who "dares to be cautious," having amassed the 1,967 delegates he needs following the conclusion of the primary season

6/6/84

GOP Iowa senator Roger Jepsen – a staunch member of the Christian right – acknowledges membership in a private spa that was later shut down as a house of prostitution. Claiming he thought it was a health club, he says he only went once, realized his error and never returned. Though the 1977 incident occurred before his "commitment to Christ," he loses his re-election bid.

6/6/84

In the PR coup of Michael Deaver's career, President Reagan commemorates the 40th anniversary of D-Day on the site of the Normandy invasion as campaign cameras roll. "These are the boys of Pointe du Hoc," he says of the veterans sitting before him. "These are the men who took the cliffs. These are the champions who helped free a continent. These are the heroes who helped end a war." As he leaves, a veteran shouts out, "Welcome aboard, Ronnie. You're 40 years late."

6/10/84

President Reagan complains about daughter Patti's liberal comments about marijuana usage and pre-marital cohabitation. "I'm just sorry that spanking is out of fashion now," he says, though it is unclear when spanking a child in her 30s was in fashion.

6/12/84

Discussing US-Soviet relations with GOP leaders, President Reagan announces, "If they want to keep their Mickey Mouse system, that's okay." Says an official, "It's a change in his view. It's not an evil empire. It's a Mickey Mouse system."

6/12/84

Sharon Porto, a witness at the Marvin Pancoast murder trial, testifies that Vicki Morgan had been planning to write a book in which she would "name a lot of government people" she had been involved with. Says Porto, "Meese was one name I heard."

6/13/84

Close Meese pal Herbert Ellingwood is reported to have created a "talent bank" to place fundamentalist Christians in civil service and political positions.

6/14/84

At his 25th press conference, President Reagan claims that his tax policies – which have produced a windfall for the wealthy – "have been more beneficial" to the poor "than to anyone else." Though this would seem to be a difficult claim to get away with, no one challenges him.

6/18/84

Born In The U.S.A. begins an 84-week run in the Billboard Top Ten, turning Bruce Springsteen – whose populist songs about hard times are perversely misinterpreted by many fans as celebrations of Reaganism – into America's pre-eminent rock star, with even as unlikely a fawner as bow-tied conservative columnist George Will gushing about him in print.

6/24/84

Louis Farrakhan attacks Judaism as a "gutter religion," though he insists he said no such thing. A media consensus forms that he actually might have called it a "dirty" religion, and this, for some reason, is perceived as not having been so bad. Even Jesse Jackson is forced to denounce these latest remarks as "reprehensible and morally indefensible."

6/27/84

"Your policies are not in the least anti-black or anti- poor. As a matter of fact, it's my opinion that your fight against inflation, your war on the drug traffic, your tough stand against street crime, your effort in revitalizing the nation's economy, are all of great importance to us poor people and us black people in America."

--Letter allegedly received by President Reagan from a 39-year-old black man whose identity, as is so often the case with these epistles of unsolicited support, goes unrevealed

6/30/84

GOP chairman Frank Fahrenkopf suggests the addition of President Reagan's likeness to Mount Rushmore, saying he "can't think of any President more deserving" of joining the ranks of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.

JULY 1984

7/2/84

President Reagan appoints scandal-tainted Anne Burford as chairman of the National Advisory Committee on Oceans and Atmosphere, declaring himself "very pleased to have her back in the Administration."

7/6/84

Nancy Reagan, 63, celebrates her 61st birthday.

7/8/84

Gay British rock star Boy George and Rev. Jerry Falwell appear on Face the Nation to discuss androgyny.

7/10/84

President Reagan claims that his environmental record is "one of the best kept secrets" of his presidency. When a reporter asks where Anne Burford fits into that record, Larry Speakes steps forward and orders the lights turned off. Reagan, believed by many to be the most powerful man on the planet, stands behind his aide, saying, "My guardian says I can't talk."

7/12/84

At the Minnesota statehouse, Walter Mondale introduces Rep. Geraldine Ferraro, who represents the "Archie Bunker" district in Queens, as his running mate. "This is an exciting choice," he says, surprised by the intensity of the applause. "Let me say that again. This is an exciting choice!"

Ferraro kicks off her campaign the next day by attacking President Reagan's false piety. "The President walks around calling himself a good Christian," she says. "I don't for one minute believe it, because the policies are so terribly unfair."

7/14/84

The Mondale momentum screeches to a halt as the candidate names Georgian Bert Lance, the most scandal-tainted figure from the despised Carter administration, as the new party chairman. As William Winpisinger, president of the Machinists union, puts it, every last bit of "garbage" had been cleaned out of the Democrats' yard when Mondale showed up and "dropped a load of manure on the front doorstep."

7/15/84

Walter Mondale says he will retain current party chairman Charles Manatt. Instead of dropping Bert Lance completely, he names him to head his campaign, guaranteeing two more weeks of "When Is Lance Leaving?" stories.

7/16/84

New York governor Mario Cuomo gets the Democratic convention underway in San Francisco with a keynote speech stunning for its eloquence and sense of outrage. "There is despair, Mr. President," he says, "in the faces that you don't see, in the places that you don't visit in your shining city." He warns about what Reagan's re-election will mean: "If July brings back Anne Gorsuch Burford, what can we expect of December?" He focuses squarely on the Supreme Court – a key issue that Democrats are usually too wimpy to push – urging his audience to contemplate a judiciary "fashioned by the man who believes in having government mandate people's religion and morality. The man who believes that trees pollute the environment, the man that believes that the laws against discrimination against people go too far ..." By the time he gets to the part about watching his immigrant father's feet bleed, most of his audience is wondering why Mondale is the candidate.

7/18/84

In San Diego, James Oliver Huberty straps an arsenal to his body, tells his wife, "I'm going to hunt humans," and strolls down the block to the local McDonald's where, while his radio blares out Scandal's "The Warrior" – "Shootin' at the walls of heartache / Bang bang / I am the warrior" – he kills 21 people and wounds 19 (then a record body count for one man in one day) before being slain by police.

Hours later, Walter Mondale is nominated for president – a story forced to share the next day's front pages with the gruesome mass murder.

7/19/84

"Mr. Reagan will raise taxes, and so will I. He won't tell you. I just did."

--Walter Mondale accepting the nomination, exhibiting an honesty he will not be rewarded for

7/20/84

Vanessa Williams, the first black Miss America, is ordered to relinquish her title after Penthouse publishes old nude photos of her in sexually explicit poses with another woman. Publisher Bob Guccione declares himself "a little bit tired of being the heavy in this instance. I didn't take her clothes off. She did."

7/21/84

In Vermont, James Fixx – author of The Complete Book of Running and a tireless proponent of the theory that this exercise increases life expectancy – dies at 52 of a heart attack while jogging.

7/21/84

Walter Mondale takes advantage of his convention momentum by going fishing for five days.

7/24/84

At his 26th press conference, President Reagan claims that "not one single fact or figure" backs up Democratic "demagoguery" that his budget cuts have hurt the poor. The next morning, a congressional study reports that cuts in welfare have pushed more than 500,000 people – the majority of them children – into poverty.

7/25/84

"The national Democratic leadership is going so far left, they've left America."

--President Reagan campaigning in Austin

7/26/84

The Federal Communications Commission raises the number of TV stations one company can own from seven to 12. "Bigness isn't necessarily badness," says chairman Mark Fowler. "Sometimes it is goodness."

7/26/84

Flying to a rally in New Jersey, President Reagan declines Sam Donaldson's joking invitation to view the Penthouse spread of Vanessa Williams. "I don't look at those kind of pictures," says the President. "I'm a good boy."

7/27/84

Anne Burford dismisses the job she has been appointed to as insignificant. "It's a nothing-burger," she says. "They meet three times a year. They don't do anything. It's a joke." Having so blurted, she has no choice but to have her nomination withdrawn.

7/28/84

"Set your sights high, and then go for it. For yourselves, for your families, for your country and – will you forgive me if I just be a little presumptuous – do it for the Gipper."

--President Reagan delivering a pep talk to US Olympic athletes who go on to dominate the Los Angeles games, to the delight of jingoistic commentators

7/30/84

Prince's Purple Rain – which, unbeknownst to many parents, contains a song with lyrics about masturbation – begins a 24-week reign as the nation's best-selling album.

7/31/84

Asked whether he believes President Reagan is a "good Christian," Mario Cuomo says, "I don't think we ought to judge one another's soul. I'm not going to judge Ronald Reagan and ask, 'Why did you leave your first wife? Was that a Christian thing to do? Have you seen your grandchild?' I don't want to judge his soul or his conscience ... I'm not going to debate Ronald Reagan on whether he's a hypocrite." As to whether Bert Lance should leave the Mondale campaign, Cuomo says, "It won't make any difference. He's a walnut in the batter of eternity."

AUGUST 1984

8/1/84

Stymied by a reporter's question about arms control during a Santa Barbara photo op, President Reagan stands silently for several seconds, grunting and shrugging, until Nancy, beside him, lowers her head and mutters, "Doing everything we can." Says the leader of the free world, instantly, "We're doing everything we can."

8/2/84

Bert Lance submits his inevitable resignation as general chairman of the Mondale campaign.

8/3/84

The Census Bureau reports that 35.3 million Americans were living in poverty in 1983 – an 18-year-high rate of 15.2% of the population.

8/5/84

Reviewing the Nancy-feeds-Ronnie-his-line incident, New York Times reporter Francis X. Clines writes of the vacationing President, "Subjects such as the Soviet Union seem to haunt Mr. Reagan the way vows to read Proust dog other Americans at leisure."

Notes Village Voice press critic Geoffrey Stokes, "This may be the only time in history in which the words 'Mr. Reagan' and 'read Proust' will appear in the same sentence." Humorist Veronica Geng promptly writes a brilliant New Yorker piece in which those words appear together in every sentence.

8/8/84

Vice President Bush denies that he and President Reagan have been having difficulty coordinating their positions on a tax increase. "Absolutely not," he says. "There's no difference between me and the president on taxes. No more nit-picking. 'Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.' Now it's off to the races."

8/9/84

On the 10th anniversary of Richard M. Nixon's resignation, former Nixon speech writer Benjamin Stein writes a Washington Post op-ed column called "Was Watergate Really Such A Big Deal?" Stein thinks not. "Really, who now knows what Watergate was about? What was all the shouting about?" he writes. "If whatever Nixon did was so obscure that no one can even remember what he did any longer ... how drastic could it have been? ... If the nation chased a President out of office for the only time in 200 years and no one clearly remembers why, something went drastically wrong ..." Writes the Post in an editorial, "Not to put too fine a point on it, we think we can remember."

8/11/84

President Reagan again indulges his penchant for whimsy during a sound check. "My fellow Americans," he jests, "I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." Though he gets his expected big laugh from the sycophants in the room, others are less amused.

8/12/84

With questions about her financial disclosures dominating coverage of her campaign, Geraldine Ferraro says she'll release her income tax returns but has been unable to convince her husband John, a New York real estate developer, to release his. "You people married to Italian men," she says, "you know what it's like."

8/13/84

Michael Deaver reveals to NBC's Chris Wallace that President Reagan nods off in Cabinet meetings. "I've seen him when he had difficulty staying awake," says Deaver, "but he wasn't the only one in the room that was."

8/14/84

Patti Davis, 31, marries her yoga instructor Paul Grilley, 25, in a private ceremony at the Bel-Air Hotel in Los Angeles. Her parents actually attend the wedding.

8/16/84

"I was really talking low. I must have been on his good side or he had that gizmo turned up, or whatever. But I wasn't prompting him. I was talking to myself out of sheer frustration."

--Nancy Reagan denying that she fed her husband his line at the ranch, though it's clear from the tape that she did just that

8/17/84

"She was talking to herself ... She didn't even know I could hear. I guess I had the button turned up."

--President Reagan, annoyed at reports that his wife "is the power behind the throne, directing me or something"

8/19/84

Geraldine Ferraro explains that her husband John – who has released his taxes after all – "did nothing wrong" by borrowing $100,000 from the funds of an incapacitated woman whose estate he was overseeing because he "never knew it was improper."

8/19/84

Asked to respond to Mondale's charge that his bombing joke had made the world uneasy, President Reagan blames the media. "Isn't it funny?" he says. "If the press had kept their mouth shut, no one would have known I said it." No one points out that if he'd kept his mouth shut, they couldn't have reported it.

8/20/84

With Mario Cuomo as his guest, Phil Donahue sticks his microphone in a woman's face and says, "Now, don't think about it, answer me right away. Who are you going to vote for?" She says, "Reagan!" and the audience cheers. Observes Cuomo, "That's what you get when you don't think about it."

8/20/84

"Few people remember the debate between the two aspirants for Vice President in 1980, George Bush and Walter F. Mondale."

--New York Times reporter Gerald Boyd, apparently unaware that the debate is so little-recalled because it didn't take place

8/20/84

The Republican Convention gets underway in Dallas with a gay-baiting speech by Jeane Kirkpatrick (who refers derisively to the "San Francisco Democrats") and a lackluster keynote address by US treasurer Katherine Ortega. Denying that her selection was an attempt to pander to women, one GOP official explains, "Ortega wasn't chosen because she's a woman. She was chosen because she's a Hispanic."

8/21/84

"WOMEN FOR REAGON"

--Placard spotted in Dallas

8/22/84

"You could call them Fritz and Tits because then there'd be three boobs in the White House ... Geraldine Ferraro! Big deal, let's put a woman in the White House. May I just tell you something? Can we talk here for a second? It's no big deal to have a woman in the White House. John F. Kennedy had a thousand of them."

--Joan Rivers entertaining a GOP women's luncheon in Dallas, at Nancy Reagan's request

8/22/84

"I was looking at all this financial disclosure, and it looks like Edith and Archie have turned out to be Pamela and Averell Harriman, dahling."

--Vice President Bush snarking about Geraldine Ferraro's finances

8/22/84

"All I know is that I cannot get him to take a nap."

--Nancy Reagan defending her husband's determined wakefulness to Dan Rather, who fails to ask if this means she thinks her good friend Mike Deaver was lying

8/22/84

"The Reagan Administration has done more for the needy than any in all history."

--Sen. Paul Laxalt (R-NV) placing the President's name in nomination

8/22/84

"Let's make it one more for the Gipper!"

--Nancy Reagan to the convention, while a huge TV screen above the podium shows her husband in his hotel suite watching her on TV, inspiring her to wave frantically at him, and him – after some prompting – to wave back

8/22/84

"The hall is full of people who want to run in 1988. I think we could probably count a dozen or more. If they're all laid end to end, we promise you we'll bring you a picture of it."

--ABC's David Brinkley

8/23/84

"Isn't the real truth that they are intolerant of religion? They refuse to tolerate its importance in our lives."

--President Reagan at a Dallas prayer breakfast, attacking those nitpickers who insist on separating politics and religion

8/23/84

President Reagan's speech to the convention is introduced by an 18-minute commercial for him that comes to be known, based on its opening line, as "Morning in America."

"It's got an energy about it. It's got a vitality about it," says Phil Dusenberry, who produced the film. "It's got a truth about it." It also has various fawning quotes about its subject, supplied by people ranging from Vice President Bush ("You get the feeling the country's movin' again") to a young woman who says, "I think he's just doggone honest. It's remarkable. He's been on television, what have I heard, 26 times? Talking to us about what he's doing? Now, that's – he's not doing that for any other reason than to make it real clear. And if anybody has any question about where he's headed, it's their fault. Maybe they don't have a television." (Just imagine the gall of someone going TV-less in the age of such a telegenic leader!)

Reagan then accepts the nomination: "... clearest political choice ... them ... high interest rates ... spending bill ... tax ... teen-age drug use, out-of-wedlock births and crime ... schools deteriorated ... allies mistrusted us ... since January 20th, 1981 ... not one inch of soil ... fallen to the Communists ... pessimism is ended ... more confident than ever ... strongest economic growth ... lowest inflation rates ... fastest rate of job creation ... highest level of business investment ... on the move again ... new eras of opportunity ... prosperity that will finally last ... balanced budget amendment ... line-item veto ... voluntary prayer amendment ... the Lord back in the schoolrooms ... drugs and violence out ... equality of all men and women ... shining city on a hill ... Olympic torch ... celebration ... thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!"

8/25/84

Johnny Carson's second wife, Joanne, finds her friend Truman Capote – no stranger to drugs and alcohol – dead in the guest bedroom of her Bel Air home. She says he'd been obsessed with finishing his long-awaited novel Answered Prayers, though nothing close to a publishable manuscript is ever found.

8/27/84

President Reagan announces a search for a teacher to be the first citizen in space. "When that shuttle lifts off," says the man who has presided over drastic cuts in education funding, "all of America will be reminded of the crucial role teachers and education play in the life of our nation."

8/31/84

New York Times: EX-REAGAN AIDE INDICTED IN CASE OF $431,000 INSIDER STOCK PROFIT

SEPTEMBER 1984

9/3/84

Walter Mondale's campaign kicks off in New York City, where he marches in the Labor Day parade at such an early hour that crowds are nonexistent. Later, at a picture perfect southern California rally, President Reagan debuts his macho campaign slogan: "You ain't seen nothin' yet."

9/6/84

Dallas Rev. W.A. Criswell, who recently delivered the closing benediction at the GOP convention, says he thinks "this thing of separation of church and state is a figment of some infidel's imagination."

9/9/84

"I absolutely believe President Reagan when he says he does not want to establish a state religion – that would require him to attend services."

--Sen. Daniel Moynihan (D-NY) on This Week with David Brinkley

9/10/84

Obviously irritated that his slippery position on abortion has become an issue, Vice President Bush refuses to answer any more questions on the subject, citing "my right as an American to remain silent."

9/12/84

"There are an awful lot of things I don't remember."

--Vice President Bush denying that his failure to recall his previous support for abortion poses a credibility problem

9/13/84

"The other side's promises are a little like Minnie Pearl's hat. They both have big price tags hanging from them."

--President Reagan campaigning at the Grand Ole Opry

9/13/84

"We are in a different phase now, trying to merge the thesis and the antithesis into a synthesis without doing violence to either."

--Jesse Jackson "explaining" his support for Walter Mondale

9/17/84

Vice President Bush continues to respond testily to questions about abortion. "My position is like Ronald Reagan's," he says. "Put that down, mark that down. Good. You got it."

9/18/84

"It wasn't done with that in mind. It was done because there are people out there that need help."

--President Reagan, denying that his unprecedentedly generous new farm policy has any connection to the upcoming election

9/19/84

"America's future rests in a thousand dreams inside our hearts. It rests in the message of hope in the songs of a man so many young Americans admire: New Jersey's own Bruce Springsteen. And helping you make those dreams come true is what this job of mine is all about."

--President Reagan attempting to add America's hottest rock star to his pantheon of co-opted heroes, though Springsteen quickly goes public with his lack of support

9/20/84

A suicide bomber drives into the US Embassy annex in Beirut, killing two Americans. It is the third such incident in 19 months. President Reagan justifies the incomplete security measures – an iron gate was laying on the ground awaiting installation – by saying, "Anyone that's ever had their kitchen done over knows that it never gets done as soon as you wish it would." This, in turn, prompts columnist Russell Baker to observe, "Anyone that's ever had their kitchen done over knows that the process is nothing at all like trying to stop somebody from driving a truckload of explosives into your house."

9/20/84

Independent counsel Jacob Stein says his six-month investigation of Ed Meese has found "no basis" for prosecution, adding that his limited mandate prevents him from commenting on "Mr. Meese's ethics and the propriety of his conduct." President Reagan pledges to renominate him if re-elected, saying, "I know he'll be a truly distinguished attorney general."

9/20/84

"The Sandinistas came in. They overthrew Somoza, killed him and overthrew him. Killed him, threw him out."

--Vice President Bush displaying ignorance about the fate of Somoza, who fled Nicaragua when he was overthrown and was later assassinated in Paraguay

9/24/84

"I believe that the future is far nearer than most of us would dare hope."

--President Reagan addressing the UN

9/25/84

"Do you know what wins elections? It's who puts money into this and who takes money out. And the one good reason why Ronald Reagan is going to be re-elected is because he's putting something in here and the other people are taking money out."

--Vice President Bush whipping out his wallet at a campaign rally

9/26/84

"I was up in New England the other day, campaigning in Vermont and I said, 'It's nice to be here in Vermont when the sap is running'' and one of the pickets stood up and said, 'Stop talking about Mondale like that.'"

--Vice President Bush campaigning in Indiana

9/26/84

President Reagan explains to a group of Ohio college students that the US wants good relations with the USSR "because peace in America is such an attractive way to live that a war is a terrible interruption."

9/26/84

President Reagan explains that the latest Beirut bombing was actually the fault of Jimmy Carter, who he claims presided over "the near-destruction of our intelligence capability." Carter, unable to hide his contempt, notes Reagan's repeated efforts "to blame his every mistake and failure on me and others who served before him."

9/28/84

Soviet Foreign Minister Andrei Gromyko takes Nancy Reagan aside during a White House reception and says, "Every night, whisper 'peace' in your husband's ear." The First Lady reportedly responds, "I'll also whisper it in your ear." No further details on these sleeping arrangements are forthcoming.

OCTOBER 1984

10/1/84

Patti Davis begins work in a small role on the daily prime time syndicated soap opera, Rituals. After a week on the show – during which time she repeatedly fails to make her morning call, complains about her makeup and wardrobe and refuses to pose for publicity shots – she is fired.

10/2/84

New York Times: DONOVAN INDICTED AND GIVEN A LEAVE TO DEFEND HIMSELF / BUSINESS DEALINGS CITED / LABOR SECRETARY SAYS CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION IN THE BRONX IS 'OBVIOUSLY PARTISAN'

10/2/84

"Make no mistake about it, this President is in charge. He is in touch, he is a strong leader. I saw it when he met with Gromyko the other day. I was there."

--Vice President Bush boasting that President Reagan actually participated in a conversation with a foreign dignitary

10/2/84

"When baffled by a third terrorist attack in Lebanon, Reagan clumsily talks about kitchen remodeling and blames a fictitious cutback in U.S. government intelligence operations. This is his own government he is talking about. He has not a clue how it works."

--Columnist Lars-Erik Nelson

10/3/84

Complaining that he'd been "singled out" and "taken to the cleaners," Vice President Bush acknowledges that he recently paid $198,000 in back taxes and interest after an audit of his 1981 tax return. And why hadn't he revealed this before, especially in light of Ferraro's problems? "You didn't ask me about it."

10/3/84

A House intelligence committee report finds "no logical explanation" for the lapse in security at the embassy in Beirut, since State Department and embassy officials had plenty of reason to suspect that a bombing attempt was not only possible but probable.

10/3/84

President Reagan takes part in a dress rehearsal for his upcoming debate, with David Stockman playing the part of a very aggressive Walter Mondale – so aggressive that he provokes Reagan into shouting, "Shut up!" Afterward, the President tells him, "You better send me some flowers, because you've been nasty to me."

10/4/84

"I'm legally and every other way, emotionally, entitled to be what I want to be and that's what I want to be and that's what I am."

--Vice President Bush explaining why he considers himself a Texan even though he was born in Massachusetts, grew up in Connecticut, lives in Washington and pays taxes in Maine

10/5/84

Larry Speakes is asked if President Reagan has read the House report on the latest Beirut truck bombing. "I don't think he's read the report in detail," he says. "It's five-and-a-half pages, double-spaced."

10/6/84

John Zaccaro tells Redbook he intends to sit in on Cabinet meetings if his wife is elected Vice President. "I think I would insist on being there," he says. "Even if they didn't like it, I would sit in."

10/7/84

In their first debate in Louisville, Kentucky, Walter Mondale clearly beats President Reagan, who terrifies viewers by demonstrating how he answers questions when his wife isn't standing next to him. In the course of 90 minutes, the President:

*Talks about a law he signed in California as if it was signed by his Democratic predecessor

*Reprises his 1980 hit line, "There you go again," only to have it thrown back in his face by Mondale, who knows he won't be able to resist repeating it and is ready with a stinging rejoinder

*Blanks out completely in the middle of an answer, stalling for a mini-eternity – "The system is still where it was with regard to the ... uh ... the ... uh ... the ... uh ... the ... uh ..." – until he comes up, who knows how, with the missing word, "progressivity"

*Claims that the increase in poverty "is a lower rate of increase than it was in the preceding years before we got here," though in fact it is higher

*Explains that a good bit of the defense budget goes for "food and wardrobe," becoming the first US President to so refer to military uniforms

*Admits, as he prepares to deliver his closing statement, "I'm all confused now."

Afterward, a frantic Nancy Reagan confronts White House aides, demanding, "What have you done to Ronnie?"

10/8/84

Barbara Bush points out that, unlike Geraldine Ferraro, she makes no pretense of playing down the family wealth, adding, "No poor boy stuff like that $4 million – I can't say it, but it rhymes with rich." She later fails to convince reporters that the unspoken word was "witch." Meanwhile, Ferraro asks an aide, "Why is that nice old lady calling me a bitch?"

10/10/84

"I'm here for drugs."

--Nancy Reagan admonishing reporters not to ask political questions at a Georgia press conference announcing a drug-awareness program

10/10/84

Still defensive about his debate performance, President Reagan says, "With regard to the age issue and everything, if I had as much makeup on as he did, I'd have looked younger, too." He goes on to make the surprising claim that he not only went makeup-free during the debate, but "I never did wear it. I didn't wear it when I was in pictures."

The next day brings an avalanche of testimony from people who distinctly remember making him up during his Hollywood days, and people who distinctly remember seeing him in makeup at recent rallies.

10/11/84

Citing overpreparation as the cause of President Reagan's dismal debate performance, Sen. Paul Laxalt (R-NV) explains, "He was brutalized by a briefing process that didn't make any sense. The man was absolutely smothered by extraneous material."

Asks Geraldine Ferraro, "Since when is it considered cruel and unusual punishment to expect the President to learn the facts he needs to govern."

10/11/84

Geraldine Ferraro and Vice President Bush debate in Philadelphia, with Ferraro putting on a surprisingly low-key performance and Bush an alarmingly animated one. Since the culture values noise and movement over quiet reason, the instant media analysis gives him the victory, though it's hard to find anything he said to earn it. Highlights:

*Bush denies telling journalist Robert Scheer that he thought nuclear war was winnable – "I was quoted wrong, obviously, 'cause I never thought that" – though Scheer has him on tape saying precisely that

*Bush giddily attacks Mondale's negativity: "Almost every place you can point, contrary to Mr. Mondale's – I gotta be careful here – but contrary of how he goes around just saying everything bad. If somebody sees a silver lining, he finds a big black cloud out there. I mean, right on, whine on, harvest moon!"

*Bush condescendingly explains "the difference, Mrs. Ferraro, between Iran and the embassy in Lebanon ... We went to Lebanon to give peace a chance ... and we did. We saw the formation of a government of reconciliation and for somebody to suggest, as our two opponents have, that these men died in shame – they better not tell the parents of those young marines."

*Ferraro shoots back, "Let me just say, first of all, that I almost resent, Vice President Bush, your patronizing attitude that you have to teach me about foreign policy ... And let me say further that no one has ever said that those young men who were killed through the negligence of this administration and others ever died in shame."

*Bush boasts of President Reagan's alleged ability to engage a foreign leader in a discussion of a serious issue: "I wish everybody could have seen that one – the President, giving the facts to Gromyko in all of these nuclear meetings. Excellent, right on top of that subject matter. And I'll bet you that Gromyko went back to the Soviet Union saying, 'Hey, listen, this President is calling the shots. We'd better move.'"

As columnist Murray Kempton has observed of Bush, "By will, energy, and the suppression of every impulse of shame, he has transformed himself into an Ivy League cheerleader, the perfect gentleman on his way to being the perfect idiot."

10/12/84

"We tried to kick a little ass last night. Whoops! Oh, God, he heard me! Turn that thing off!"

--Vice President Bush whispering his analysis of the debate to a New Jersey longshoreman, then noticing that his remark has been picked up by a live mike

10/15/84

"What am I supposed to order?"

--President Reagan to an aide at a McDonald's campaign stop in Tuscaloosa, Alabama

10/15/84

The Associated Press reports the existence of a CIA- prepared manual advising Nicaraguan rebels how to blackmail unwilling citizens into supporting their cause, how to arrange the deaths of fellow rebels to create martyrs, and how to kidnap and kill (or, as the manual puts it, "neutralize") government officials.

10/16/84

Vice President Bush pulls out a dictionary in his ludicrous effort to prove that the Democratic ticket maligned the murdered Marines. "'Humiliation: shame, disgrace and degradation,'" he crows. "Webster's equates humiliation with ... deep shame ... Accusing young men of dying without a purpose and for no reason is, in the lexicon of the American people, a shame ... I said our opponents suggested our Marines died in shame. That was and is an accurate statement of the case." Mondale suggests that Bush "doesn't have the manhood to apologize."

10/18/84

Defending George Bush's assertion that Mondale and Ferraro had implied that the 241 Marines killed in Beirut had "died in shame," press secretary Peter Teeley says, "You can say anything you want during a debate, and 80 million people hear it." And what if the print media can prove that he lied? "So what? Maybe 200 people read it or 2,000 or 20,000."

10/18/84

A senior Administration official says President Reagan did not know about the assassination manual until "after it appeared in the newspaper yesterday."

10/19/84

"The idea that the public has come to feel that they have a vested interest in protecting him is fascinating to me."

--CBS' Lesley Stahl on negative reaction to news reports critical of President Reagan

10/19/84

"Wouldn't it be much more honest if Mondale bluntly accused Reagan of being an addled, confused old coot? I'm sure he believes it, as do many Democrats. That's really their main campaign message. So why not just get it out in the open?"

--Columnist Mike Royko

10/19/84

"Why aren't we talking about these hostages? ... Why is it allowed to stand when Ronald Reagan says America won't have hostages again? ... Are we bored with hostages now?"

--Lucille Levin, wife of one of the three Americans kidnapped by Lebanese terrorists in March, bemoaning the media's failure to remind the public of how tough the President talked when he took office

10/20/84

"I don't know which possibility is worse – a President who doesn't know what his government is doing or a President knowing of this illegal action and approving it."

--Walter Mondale on President Reagan's professed ignorance of the CIA manual

10/21/84

At the second Reagan/Mondale debate in Kansas City, the President successfully delivers an obviously rehearsed one-liner – "I will not make age an issue in this campaign. I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponent's youth and inexperience" – and his ability to remember this zinger puts an end to fears about his recently displayed senility. So determined are voters to ignore his flaws that not even his observation that Armageddon could come "the day after tomorrow" (a comment that prompts Nancy to gasp, "Oh, no!") or his almost incoherent closing statement (something about a time capsule and a drive down the Pacific Coast Highway) can dissuade them.

10/23/84

The Christic Institute releases a statement from close to 100 religious leaders who find President Reagan's belief in the imminence of Armageddon "profoundly disturbing."

10/24/84

"Everybody who has ever thought for more than two minutes about the nuclear dilemma knew that. If you didn't know that, you didn't know what the subject even was."

--The Washington Post, scoffing at President Reagan's debate claim that Soviet dependence on land-based missiles came as a surprise to many in his administration

10/25/84

"Mondale don't know nothing, and not only that, but the woman running against you, I don't know her name and I don't want to know her name."

--A supporter of Vice President Bush greeting the candidate

10/25/84

"I read every comic strip in the paper."

--President Reagan, who, you'll remember, had no time to read the five-and-a-half-page report on the latest Beirut bombing

10/28/84

"Mr. Reagan's ignorance about the Soviet Union and his air-headed rhetoric on the issues of foreign policy and arms control have reached the limit of tolerance and have become an embarrassment to the U.S. and a danger to world peace."

--The Chicago Tribune endorsing – yes, endorsing – the President

10/29/84

Doonesbury news reporter Roland Hedley Jr. announces that this is the day George Bush "will formally place his embattled manhood in a blind trust."

NOVEMBER 1984

11/1/84

Campaigning in New York, Vice President Bush declares, "I'm for Mr. Reagan – blindly." Says Walter Mondale, "He said he supports the President blindly. I think that's about the best way to do it."

Bush's repellent conduct throughout the campaign prompts The Washington Post to editorialize, "He seems to reveal himself, as all viewers of Dallas will long since have noted, as the Cliff Barnes of American politics – blustering, opportunistic, craven and hopelessly ineffective all at once."

11/2/84

After a last meal of Cheez Doodles and Coca-Cola, 51-year- old Velma Barfield is executed in North Carolina for murdering her boyfriend by poisoning his beer. Nine minutes after she is declared dead, her body is brought to a waiting ambulance, where a donor-transplant team tries in vain to restart her heart in order to save her kidneys.

11/3/84

President Reagan explains that the word "neutralize" in the CIA manual – which he, of course, has not read – merely meant "remove from office," not "assassinate." And how does one remove an unwanted official? "You just say to the fellow that is sitting there in the office, 'You're not in the office anymore.'"

11/5/84

Nancy Reagan gets out of her Sacramento hotel bed to get a blanket and, not realizing the bed is on a raised platform, pitches forward and bashes her head on a chair, forming an egg-sized lump at her hairline. She remains wobbly for days.

11/6/84

With a still woozy Nancy Reagan losing her balance at their California polling place, the First Couple cast their ballots. Asked who he's just voted for, the President smiles, bobs his head and says, "I can't remember his name." Though Reagan declines to predict it – "I'm cautiously optimistic," he says – Dan Rather announces his re-election at 8:01 p.m. EST. His 525 electoral votes are the most ever won, his 49 states (he loses DC and Minnesota) tie Nixon's 1972 landslide and he takes the popular vote by 59% (54,450,603) to Walter Mondale's 41% (37,573,671).

In Los Angeles, the President – his glassy-eyed wife beside him – declares victory. "America's best days lie ahead," he says, "and you know – you'll forgive me – I'm gonna do it just one more time: You ain't seen nothin' yet!"

11/10/84

The White House announces that two Reagan-ordered investigations have concluded that there was "no violation" of the law when the CIA manual was written for the Nicaraguan rebels.

11/21/84

Nancy Reagan tells columnist Betty Beale that the First Couple and adopted son Michael have been experiencing a three-year "estrangement," which explains why the pro-family President has never set eyes on his 19-month-old granddaughter Ashley. Responds Michael, "I never realized we were estranged. Maybe strange, but not estranged."

11/22/84

Michael Reagan says that the family rift is "not an estrangement as much ... as a jealousy Nancy might have towards me and my family, you know, being the son of another marriage." The White House retaliates by citing a family friend's suggestion that Michael "needs some guidance," and rumors circulate that he might be, among other things, a kleptomaniac. Michael calls this "defamation of character," comparing himself to "one of the guys in the cabinet they're trying to ease out."

11/26/84

John W. Hinckley Jr. writes to Newsweek proposing that he – as a "political prisoner" – be exchanged for internally exiled Soviet dissident Andrei Sakharov. "I would be much safer and happier in the U.S.S.R.," he says. "I think exchanging Hinckley for Sakharov is a fair trade."

11/27/84

Appearing on Today after being interviewed by The Washington Post, Michael Reagan says of his family's squabble, "Hopefully we can get this whole thing solved, but not in the press." Minutes later, on the CBS Morning News, he says, "I just want to see this whole thing taken care of, really, in an above-board type of way, outside of the press."

11/29/84

"Sam, I'm not gonna take any questions in this photo opportunity here. I'm just thinkin' of lookin' pretty for the cameras."

--President Reagan to Sam Donaldson, who had the temerity to ask a question during a picture-taking session

DECEMBER 1984

12/3/84

A gas leak at a Union Carbide pesticides plant in Bhopal, India kills 2,000 people in one night, with an eventual death toll of 3,329.

12/4/84

Rev. Jerry Falwell testifies at his $45 million libel trial against Larry Flynt that he "felt like weeping" when he saw a parody ad in Hustler quoting him as claiming that he "always got sloshed" before preaching, and that he'd lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse. Interrogating Flynt in a videotaped deposition, Falwell's lawyer, Norman Grutman, asks if he'd intended to harm his client's integrity. Replies Flynt, "To assassinate it."

12/6/84

The President meets with six-year-old Kristin Ellis, the March of Dimes poster child. He gives her a jar of jellybeans, and she gives him a black, 12-pound sheep dog puppy. The dog, named Lucky, becomes a regular feature on weekend newscasts as she drags Nancy Reagan across the White House lawn to and from the Camp David helicopter.

12/9/84

Returning to the White House from a Camp David weekend, President Reagan is asked if there have been any new developments on the Kuwaiti jet hijacked in Iran. He hesitates. "Nothing new on Iran, no," mutters Nancy. "No," says the President.

12/17/84

Madonna's "Like A Virgin" begins a six-week run as the nation's favorite song. The singer's calculated sexual image – underwear-as-outerwear topped off with crucifix accessories – strikes a chord with rock fans put off by the asexuality of Michael Jackson. Her next single, "Material Girl," proves her to be in sync with the national zeitgeist and, with legions of Madonna-Wanna-Bes adopting her look, she realizes her ambition to become the female star of the decade.

12/22/84

Four black youths are joined in their New York subway car by a tall, skinny white man with thick glasses. As he later tells the story, one of them asks for five dollars, which scares him so much he pulls out his unlicensed gun and shoots all four – firing an extra shot into the back of one, paralyzing him for life – before escaping into the underground tunnels.

12/28/84

At a fence-mending session with son Michael, the Reagans set eyes on their 20-month-old granddaughter Ashley for the first time. "It was a nice visit," says Nancy afterward. "There are no differences. All is resolved. Everybody loves each other and this is a wonderful way to start the new year."

12/31/84

Claiming to have acted in self-defense – though his victims were "armed" only with screwdrivers – Bernhard Goetz, a 37-year-old Manhattan electronics specialist, confesses to being the "DEATH WISH SUBWAY GUNMAN" and surrenders to police in Concord, New Hampshire. "I wanted to kill those guys, I wanted to maim those guys, I wanted to make them suffer in every way I could," he says, practically foaming at the mouth. "If I had more bullets I would have shot 'em all, again and again ... I was gonna gouge one of the guys' eyes out with my keys afterwards. You can't understand this. I know you can't understand this. That's fine." He three times suggests to police that they "put a bullet in my head."

JANUARY 1985

1/4/85

New York Times: DEAVER TO LEAVE WHITE HOUSE POST FOR PRIVATE LIFE / AIDE CLOSEST TO THE REAGANS CITES THE COST OF LIVING – NO WORD ON SUCCESSOR

1/7/85

Nancy Reagan tells Time she has deliberately altered "the gaze" she uses to stare raptly at her husband "because there was so much talk about it and it was kind of ridiculed."

1/7/85

Announcing, "I found you someone your own age to play with," Michael Deaver informs President Reagan that White House chief of staff James Baker and Treasury Secretary Donald Regan have decided to swap jobs. The President nods amiably.

1/8/85

Richard M. Nixon is reported to be in "excruciating pain" suffering from "the worst case of shingles" his doctor has ever seen.

1/9/85

President Reagan concludes his 27th press conference – his first in almost six months – by urging reporters to "get together and find some way in which I don't have to leave so many hands in the air." No one dares suggest increasing the frequency of such events.

1/13/85

President Reagan is reported to have recently spent part of a Sunday reading a 17-page briefing paper on arms control. And, as if that wasn't enough, he even "made a large number of marginal notations."

1/14/85

Nancy Reagan insists that new reports of her husband's disengagement are "absolutely untrue." And what of the Regan / Baker job swap, worked out without Presidential consultation? "Yes," she says, "but he was the one who made the decision to accept it. He could have said no."

1/17/85

Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) – no stranger to pandering – expresses solidarity with Bernhard Goetz. "I'm afraid to get in that subway system even when I'm with my bodyguard," he says, "and my bodyguard is afraid."

1/17/85

With Frank Sinatra in town to produce and direct the Inaugural Galas, The Washington Post runs a piece recapping the sleazy glories of the Rat Pack. When reporters try to interview him later, he is not a happy man. "You read the Post this afternoon?" he snarls, eyes blazing and index finger waving. "You're all dead, every one of you. You're all dead."

1/20/85

Not content to have his inauguration televised, President Reagan's aides inject him into the Super Bowl coin toss. The live feed linking him to Stanford is open ten minutes before he goes on the air, enabling satellite dish owners to spy on the leader of the free world as he:

*Practices the coin flip three times – "It is heads ... It is tails" – so he's prepared for all possibilities

*Reveals a really neat idea a friend of his had: "Frank Sinatra had a recommendation, instead of tossing the coin, what would have been a lot better. You'd have had me outdoors throwing out the ball. I would have thrown it – a little art work of maybe a ball going across a map – and out there, one of them catching a ball, as if it's gone all the way across the United States. How about that?"

*Stands immobile, almost deflated, as the minutes tick by, as if he doesn't quite exist when the camera's not on. Finally, he gets his cue and – suddenly animated – he flips the coin. "It is tails!" he announces, adding some banality about how all the players should do their best. The network cuts away and, somewhat forlornly, he resumes the less satisfying non-televised portion of his life.

1/28/85

Lawyers for Ed Meese – renominated to be attorney general – reveal that the Office of Government Ethics found him in violation of Federal ethical standards.

1/30/85

"If there were any doubt in my mind that four years from now you could look back and say 'Ed Meese has fulfilled the standards that I've set for this office,' then I would retire right now and withdraw."

--Ed Meese assuring the Judiciary Committee that his days of playing fast and loose with ethics are behind him

FEBRUARY 1985

2/4/85

Addressing a convention of religious broadcasters, President Reagan defends his arms build-up, citing Luke 14:31 to verify that "the scriptures are on our side in this." Then, for the benefit of the Jews in the audience, he describes how much he liked looking out over Lafayette Park at "the huge menorah, celebrating the Passover season."

2/5/85

"Birthday? Oh, you mean the 35th anniversary of my 39th birthday?"

--President Reagan on his upcoming 74th

2/13/85

President Reagan defends off-shore drilling to a Santa Barbara reporter. "You've got that whole expanse of ocean," he says. "It isn't as if you were looking at the ocean through a little frame, and now somebody put something in the way." And, anyway, he has a solution. "We've got a lot of freighters ... up in mothball. Why don't we bring down some and anchor them between the shore and the oil derrick? And then the people would see a ship, and they wouldn't find anything wrong with that at all."

2/17/85

Pursuing the strategy many urged on him during the Vietnam War, William Westmoreland withdraws his libel suit against CBS and declares victory. He later distinguishes himself by contending that the naked girl running down the road in the famous Vietnam photo had not been napalmed, but had been burned by a hibachi.

2/21/85

At his 28th press conference, President Reagan says he is not seeking the overthrow of the Sandinista regime – he'd be satisfied "if they'd say 'uncle'" to the contras and abdicate.

2/22/85

"By accepting unsecured loans from a man he later helped appoint to a federal position; by accepting a promotion in the Army Reserves that smacked of preferential treatment; and by asking that a check he had already deposited be altered after discovering that the original purpose of the check might be illegal, Meese has demonstrated a clear lack of judgment and an appalling indifference to the appearance of impropriety."

--Sen. John Glenn in The Washington Post, urging Senate rejection of Ed Meese, who is confirmed the next day

2/28/85

Defending the President's decision to abolish the Small Business Administration, David Stockman is shown a two-year-old tape of Reagan praising the agency. "We at the White House," says Stockman, "have come to enjoy watching old films of the President."

MARCH 1985

3/1/85

Desperate to win contra aid, President Reagan says the Nicaraguan rebels are "the moral equal of our Founding Fathers." Historical novelist Howard Fast calls this "an explosion of such incredible ignorance that ... he is not fit for public office of any kind."

3/6/85

"Nuclear war would be the greatest tragedy, I think, ever experienced by mankind in the history of mankind."

--President Reagan demonstrating his awareness of just how serious it would be if he pushed the button

3/6/85

Geraldine Ferraro's Diet Pepsi ad – for which she is reported to have been paid over $500,000 – premieres.

3/13/85

President Reagan – whose fondness for talking tough is exceeded only by his love of getting laughs – does both as he wraps himself in Clint Eastwood's aura and declares, "I have only one thing to say to the tax increasers: 'Go ahead and make my day.'"

3/15/85

Labor Secretary Raymond Donovan resigns after being ordered to stand trial on fraud and larceny charges.

3/18/85

"More than twice as many people are fighting in the field right now against the Nicaraguan communist regime as fought against Somoza."

--President Reagan trying to garner support for contra aid

3/19/85

"Nearly three times as many men are fighting the communists right now as the Sandinistas had fighting Somoza."

--President Reagan trying even harder for contra aid

3/21/85

20/20's Geraldo Rivera attempts to shed some light on the Bernhard Goetz debate by re-enacting the subway shootings, while Barbara Walters shares Chinese take-out with the gunman in his apartment. A week later, Goetz – who is being seen, in the wake of reports about his vicious New Hampshire confession, as less a hero than kind of a creep – is indicted for attempted murder, after all.

3/21/85

At his 29th press conference, President Reagan explains that he has no intention of visiting a concentration camp site during his upcoming visit to West Germany. To do so, he explains, would impose an unpleasant guilt trip on a nation where there are "very few alive that remember even the war, and certainly none of them who were adults and participating in any way." Though this stunning ignorance of the actuarial tables is displayed to a roomful of reporters, not one challenges it.

3/26/85

General Electric – Ronald Reagan's old employer – is indicted on 108 counts of fraud for falsely billing the Pentagon for over $800,000. The corporation pleads guilty.

APRIL 1985

4/3/85

Rep. Robert Dornan (R-CA) reveals the "best compliment" he has yet received on the House floor – Henry Hyde (R-IL) said, "If we were Indians in the Plains Wars and you were a cavalry trooper, we would kill you just to drink your blood." This, explains Dornan, was how true warriors showed respect.

4/8/85

Michael Deaver is asked if he has any plans to write a White House memoir. "Never, never," he says. "You can't take a special relationship of trust and then do a kiss-and-tell book."

4/11/85

The White House announces that President Reagan will lay a wreath at a military cemetery in Bitburg, West Germany where German and American soldiers are buried. Oops! Correction: no Americans are buried there, just Nazis.

4/12/85

Sen. Jake Garn (R-UT) becomes the first lawmaker in space as he joins the crew of the space shuttle Discovery, where he serves as a guinea pig for motion sickness experiments and earns the Doonesbury nickname "Barfin' Jake."

4/16/85

As the contra aid vote approaches, President Reagan claims he "just had a verbal message delivered to me from Pope John Paul, urging us to continue our efforts in Central America." The Vatican quickly issues a denial.

4/17/85

"We haven't finished yet."

--Ballet dancer Fernando Bujones to President Reagan, who has prematurely stepped on stage with Nancy to thank him

4/18/85

Michael Deaver – too busy buying a BMW to notice Nazi gravestones last time he was in West Germany – is back searching for an appropriate concentration camp to add to the President's itinerary. Asks Rep. Pat Schroeder, "What are they looking for? The right light angle?" Meanwhile, Reagan defends his visit to Bitburg by claiming the German soldiers "were victims, just as surely as the victims in the concentration camps." Says an aide, "Oh my God!"

4/19/85

Elie Weisel – fortunate enough to be accepting a medal from the President on the same day The New York Times carries the headline "Reagan Likens Nazi War Dead To Concentration Camp Victims" – tells his host, "That place, Mr. President, is not your place. Your place is with the victims of the SS." Reagan puts on his sad face.

4/19/85

"[The handicapped] falsely assume that the lottery of life has penalized them at random. This is not so. Nothing comes to an individual that he has not ... summoned."

--Eileen Marie Gardner, who resigns from President Reagan's Education Department after this quote is exhumed from an article she wrote for the conservative Heritage Foundation

4/23/85

Coca-Cola, which has been selling itself as the less sweet alternative to the surging Pepsi, announces that it is changing its formula to make it ... sweeter! Coke chairman Roberto Goizueta calls the switch "the surest move ever made."

4/27/85

New York Times: 82 SENATORS URGE REAGAN TO CANCEL HIS BITBURG VISIT

4/29/85

President Reagan defends the Bitburg visit as "morally right," adding, "I know all the bad things that happened in that war. I was in uniform for four years myself." He stops short of claiming to have filmed the death camps.

MAY 1985

5/5/85

Having atoned in advance with a visit to the Bergen-Belsen death camp, President Reagan spends eight minutes at Bitburg, where cameras are forced to shoot the ceremony from poor angles. He cites a letter from 13-year-old Beth Flom who, he claims, "urged me to lay the wreath at Bitburg cemetery in honor of the future of Germany." In fact, she urged him not to go at all. Summing things up, he says, "It's been a wonderful day."

5/8/85

Opponents of President Reagan's Nicaraguan policies heckle him at the European Parliament. "They haven't been there," he says. "I have." For the record, he has not.

5/8/85

Arriving in Lisbon, President Reagan fails to recognize Portuguese Prime Minister Mario Soares – whom he has met before – and walks right past him.

5/8/85

Marianne Mele Hall resigns as chairman of the Copyright Royalty Tribunal after it becomes known that a book she worked on in 1982, Foundations of Sand, said US blacks "insist on preserving their jungle freedoms, their women, their avoidance of personal responsibility and their abhorrence of the work ethic."

5/10/85

Having successfully booked the President into a Nazi cemetery and received his diplomat's discount on a BMW, Michael Deaver resigns.

5/10/85

Buddy Ebsen's friend Richard M. Nixon attends a meeting of the Barnaby Jones fan club. "Most clubs are useless, but this one is for fun," says the former President, who liked the show because it "was a good mystery where you knew the good guys from the bad guys." Ebsen says Nixon claims to have seen each episode "at least" three times and committed much of the dialogue to memory.

5/13/85

A long-running confrontation between Philadelphia police and a radical black cult called MOVE comes to a head when mayor Wilson Goode orders their headquarters bombed. The resulting blaze destroys 61 homes, killing 11. The mayor defends his strategy as "perfect, except for the fire."

5/15/85

Following his release from jail after her recantation of her six-year-old rape charge, Gary Dotson and Cathy Crowell Webb make the rounds of the network morning shows. "What were the first things you said to each other?" asks Joan Lunden on Good Morning America. "Who would you like to see play you in the movie?" asks Jane Pauley on Today. "How about a hug?" asks Phyllis George on the CBS Morning News. They decline to embrace.

Explains George later, "I wanted to get the personal side."

5/17/85

Under some delusion about the career opportunities awaiting him elsewhere, Patrick Duffy appears in his last episode of Dallas, in which Bobby Ewing is killed off.

5/20/85

Private detective John Walker is arrested – along with three others, including his brother and son – for conspiring to deliver secret Navy documents to the Soviets. "I'm a celebrity," he declares. "I feel like Eichmann or someone." He gets life.

5/21/85

New York Times: MEESE NAMES PANEL TO STUDY HOW TO CONTROL PORNOGRAPHY

5/22/85

Rambo: First Blood Part II, Sylvester Stallone's rewrite of the Vietnam War – "Do we get to win this time?" – opens in a record 2,165 theaters, grossing $32.5 million in its first six days. Says the star of the increasing monosyllabism of his characters, "I try to eliminate as much dialogue as possible, and I guess Rambo is my really best experiment. To me, the most perfect screenplay ever written will be one word."

5/23/85

President Reagan bestows the Presidential Medal of Freedom – the nation's highest civilian award – on the otherwise rarely paired Mother Teresa and Frank Sinatra.

JUNE 1985

6/5/85

David Stockman observes that if the Securities and Exchange Commission had jurisdiction over the way the executive and legislative branches of government have handled the deficit, "many of us would be in jail."

6/14/85

TWA Flight 847 is hijacked to Beirut by Lebanese Shiites who show they mean business by killing US Marine Robert Dean Stethem, 23, and dumping his body onto the tarmac. With passengers periodically brought forward to meet the press, the 16-day crisis is the first to feature a "hostage spokesman," Texas businessman Allyn Conwell, whose apparent gratitude for his new-found celebrity leads him to express an inappropriate degree of support for his captors' cause.

6/19/85

"Wow. You know, I may turn my head here to Don Regan again ... For me to try and off the top of my head bring up some of the other benefits ... Now, wait a minute."

--President Reagan asking for help after an Indiana businessman erroneously assumes he can explain his own tax plan

6/19/85

"They turned out the lights. That tells me I can't talk anymore."

--President Reagan explaining that he is not allowed to answer any more questions

6/19/85

An ABC crew is allowed to interview TWA Flight 847 pilot John Testrake. What does he think will happen if a rescue attempt is made? "I think," says Testrake, speaking from the window of the plane with a gun held to his head, "we would all be dead men."

6/25/85

Henry Kissinger appears on Nightline to decry the willingness of the networks to turn over chunks of air time to events orchestrated by the media-savvy TWA terrorists. "If the Nazis had invited networks to Auschwitz to watch people marching off to the gas chambers," he asks, "would it be appropriate news coverage to cover that?"

"Absolutely!" says his stunned friend Ted Koppel. "Can you imagine what the outrage of the world would have been? ... I can't imagine that you would think otherwise." Kissinger wisely does not pursue his point.

6/25/85

Richard M. Nixon provides an update on his health. "I have fully recovered from the shingles," he says. "There were times when the blisters [on his upper back] would break and I would bleed right through my shirt and suit jackets. I ruined at least four suits."

6/30/85

The 39 TWA hostages – whose captors threw them a farewell party at a seaside hotel – are freed in Beirut. During a sound check prior to announcing their release, President Reagan says, "Boy, after seeing Rambo last night, I know what to do the next time this happens."

Dismissing White House annoyance at the reporting of this latest blurt, ABC bureau chief George Watson says, "He's certainly tempting the hands of electronic fate. The mike is open, the room is completely quiet, everybody in the world is waiting for him to say something, and he says something he doesn't want anybody to hear."

JULY 1985

7/4/85

"What I remember about V-J Day is that Mrs. Nixon and I went to Times Square to celebrate, and I got my pocket picked. Never forgot that! In those days we didn't have a great deal of money. Sort of put a damper on the day."

--Richard M. Nixon reminiscing to Time on the occasion of the 40th anniversary of the end of World War II

7/6/85

Nancy Reagan, 64, celebrates her 62nd birthday.

7/9/85

David Stockman resigns his position as Budget Director to take a job on Wall Street and write his White House memoir, for which Harper and Row pays him over $2 million.

7/9/85

Ed Meese tells the American Bar Association that the authors of the Constitution would find recent Supreme Court decisions affirming the separation of church and state "somewhat bizarre."

7/10/85

Playboy and Penthouse both claim to be first on the newsstands with years-old nude photos of Madonna. "I think they're very European," says Playboy spokesman Elizabeth Norris of her magazine's layout. "She has hair under her arms."

7/10/85

Coca-Cola announces that while it will continue to market the new Coke that everyone hates, it will also bring back the original formula under the brand name "Coca-Cola Classic."

7/13/85

Boomtown Rats singer Bob Geldof organizes Live Aid – a 16-hour rock 'n' roll telethon broadcast from London and Philadelphia to 152 countries, and featuring most of the hot acts of the day. The event raises tens of millions of dollars for Ethiopian famine victims. Among the bands reuniting for the day are Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. "Isn't it great to be here?" says Ozzy Osbourne. "Now, here's 'Paranoid.'"

7/13/85

Acting President George Bush presides over a seven hour and 54 minute mini-Administration while a large polyp and two feet of colon are removed from acting President Reagan.

7/15/85

Revealing that Reagan's polyp was malignant, Dr. Steven Rosenberg says, "The President has cancer." Reagan has a slightly different take: "The polyp had cancer."

7/15/85

A frighteningly ill-looking Rock Hudson shows up at a Hollywood press conference to help his friend Doris Day promote an upcoming cable show. Ten days later, a hospital in Paris, where the actor has flown for treatment, announces that he has AIDS.

7/16/85

Nancy Reagan – who has decreed that only she and Donald Regan are allowed to visit her husband – brings him a Snoopy jigsaw puzzle.

7/19/85

George Bush announces that New Hampshire high school teacher Sharon Christa McAuliffe has been chosen as the first "citizen" astronaut. "I'm still kind of floating," she says. "I don't know when I'll come down to earth."

7/22/85

An arrest warrant is issued in Los Angeles for Ed Meese, who owes $130.50 for an unpaid $10 jaywalking ticket he received in 1980. He pays the fine.

7/29/85

Despite one of its main engines failing six minutes into its flight – the first malfunction during take-off in the space shuttle program – the Challenger lands safely after an eight-day journey.

7/31/85

Ryan White, 13, a hemophiliac who contracted AIDS through a blood transfusion, is barred from returning to school in Indiana.

AUGUST 1985

8/1/85

With President Reagan sporting a bandage on his nose, Larry Speakes acknowledges that "a small area of irritated skin on the right side of the President's nose was removed." According to presidential physician T. Burton Smith, no biopsy was performed on the "little pimple type of thing." Nancy Reagan reiterates that no biopsy – none! – was performed.

8/5/85

President Reagan reveals that a biopsy performed on his nose skin proved that the irritation was skin cancer. "I violated all the rules," he says of the pimple. "I picked at it and I squoze it and so forth, and messed myself up a little bit ... And then my little friend that I had played with began to come back." While some previous President could conceivably have used the non-word "squoze," it seems certain that none ever referred to a cancerous nose pimple as "my little friend."

8/5/85

Ed Meese flies to Arkansas to chop down marijuana stalks for the cameras. Bad weather forces him to settle for posing with a pile of already confiscated plants.

8/6/85

Larry Speakes – who had minimized the seriousness of the President's nose cancer to the point where he claimed, wrongly, that no anesthesia had been required during its removal – reacts badly when reporters accuse him of misleading them. "If you look very carefully at my words," he says, "you will find that there is a substantial body of accurate information there." Reporters just laugh.

8/15/85

In a speech broadcast world-wide by satellite, South African leader P.W. Botha rejects any significant tension-easing reforms. President Reagan doesn't bother to watch.

8/19/85

The New York Times begins a series exploring baseball's love affair with cocaine. Among the revelations:

*Tim Raines of the Expos would slide into bases head first to protect the vial of coke he carried in his pocket

*Manager Billy Martin searched Yankee players' lockers and bags during games

*Cocaine orders were frequently placed from – and delivered to – the Royals' clubhouse where, according to the dealer, "players talked about baseball while using drugs, and talked about drugs while playing baseball."

8/19/85

A Buffalo, New York police officer shoots himself in the foot while chasing a bare-chested man wearing fatigues and carrying a rifle. The "gunman" turns out to be an actor delivering a "Rambo-gram."

8/20/85

Seeking to block economic sanctions against South Africa, Rev. Jerry Falwell calls Bishop Desmond Tutu "a phony" and urges Americans to buy Krugerrands (South African gold coins).

8/24/85

President Reagan tells an interviewer that the "reformist administration" of South African president P.W. Botha has made significant progress on the racial front. "They have eliminated the segregation that we once had in our own country," says the President, "the type of thing where hotels and restaurants and places of entertainment and so forth were segregated – that has all been eliminated."

8/25/85

The White House confirms reports that during his oft- recalled days as head of the Screen Actors Guild, President Reagan doubled as an FBI informant (T-10) whose area of expertise was Communist influence in post-World War II Hollywood.

8/25/85

"I would consider myself in the forefront of the civil rights movement in the country today ... There is no one who is more adamant in defense of civil rights, no one who is more opposed to discrimination in any form, no one who is more the champion of minorities, and of all citizens for that matter, than I am."

--Ed Meese to David Brinkley, who is too much of a gentleman to laugh in his face

8/26/85

"Not totally, no."

--Larry Speakes on whether President Reagan really thinks racial segregation has been eliminated in South Africa

8/29/85

20/20 broadcasts a segment featuring Geraldo Rivera running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.

SEPTEMBER 1985

9/2/85

"I think Harry would be very pleased."

--President Reagan in Independence, Missouri, standing in front of a statue of Truman who, he absurdly claims, would smile on his tax cuts for the rich

9/4/85

Assessing President Reagan's standing in the latest Gallup poll, Larry Speakes says, with no irony, "He didn't get to 65 points with a song and a dance and a nice smile."

9/4/85

Australian media baron Rupert Murdoch – whose recent efforts to buy seven Metromedia TV stations have been blocked by a law limiting foreign ownership of broadcast licenses – becomes a US citizen.

9/8/85

Theodore Streleski is freed from a California prison after serving seven years for beating a Stanford professor to death with a hammer. Explaining his lack of remorse, he says, "I say Stanford treats students criminally. If I express remorse, I cut the ground out from under that argument. I would not only be a murderer but a dirty lying dog. I am a murderer. I am not a dirty lying dog."

9/9/85

Promoting his appearance in the movie When Nature Calls, Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy says the story about him eating rats as a child "has grown way out of proportion." Explains Liddy, "I only ate the left hind quarter. Of one rat."

9/12/85

Responding to Mario Cuomo's criticism that his tax plan will hit the middle class the hardest, President Reagan says, "If I may use a word that people our age will remember, 'Balderdash!'" Responding to Reagan's response, Cuomo says, "Balderdash? He used that in a movie once. The President has a perfect right to use any words he wants. I have a different lexicon."

9/17/85

At his 32nd press conference, President Reagan calls SDI "a weapon that won't kill people. It'll kill weapons."

9/18/85

"I thought that Le Duc Tho had discovered some hidden physical attraction for me. He couldn't keep his hands off me."

--Henry Kissinger revealing a little-known aspect of the Vietnam Peace talks

9/19/85

At the urging of Susan Baker (wife of Treasury Secretary James) and Tipper Gore (wife of Tennessee senator Albert), the Senate Commerce Committee holds a hearing about whether stickers should be placed on albums warning parents about dirty rock lyrics. Says Sen. Paul Trible (R-VA), "I believe this may well be the most important hearing conducted by the Commerce Committee this year.

9/21/85

"I never liked him. I don't like him now. And I never will like him."

--Barry Goldwater on Richard M. Nixon

9/26/85

Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) adds an amendment to an appropriations bill forbidding the use of any funds for the benefit of "any cult, organization or other group that has a purpose, or that has any interest in, the promoting of Satanism or witchcraft." It is adopted without debate.

OCTOBER 1985

10/1/85

Margaret Heckler – whose messy divorce has put her in bad odor with the First Lady – grimaces beside President Reagan as he announces that she has agreed to leave her post as Health and Human Services Secretary to become ambassador to Ireland. He explains that he "wouldn't have been so eager" to make her an ambassador "if she hadn't done such a good job" in the Cabinet. So why is he removing her from a job she's ostensibly great at and forcing her to take one she doesn't want? No one asks.

10/2/85

Rock Hudson dies of AIDS. Shirley (wife of Pat) Boone rushes into his home, grabs his legs and speaks in tongues for a half hour in a futile effort to resurrect him.

10/6/85

The New York Times Magazine runs a cover story on "THE MIND OF THE PRESIDENT," in which it is pointed out that though Reagan "likes to say ... that he is a 'voracious reader' and `history buff' ... neither he nor his friends, when asked, could think of particular history books he had read or historians he liked." Says a White House aide, "You have to treat him as if you were the director and he was the actor, and you tell him what to say and what not to say, and only then does he say the right thing."

10/6/85

Arbor House takes out an ad for The Lost Writings of George Orwell. He is described as the author of Animal House.

10/7/85

Palestinian terrorists hijack the Mediterranean cruise liner Achille Lauro. Before they surrender two days later, they kill wheelchair-bound New Yorker Leon Klinghoffer and throw him overboard. Denying the crime later, leader Mohammed Abul Abbas says, "If someone really died, which I doubt, then for sure it was a matter of a heart attack and the responsibility of the captain." An autopsy performed after his body washes ashore shows he was shot in the head.

10/7/85

"You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect ... Miranda only helps guilty defendants. Most innocent people are glad to talk to the police. They want to establish their innocence so that they're no longer a suspect."

--Ed Meese, chief law enforcement officer of the nation

10/8/85

President Reagan welcomes Singapore president Lee Kuan Yew and his wife, Mrs. Lee, to the White House. "It gives me great pleasure," he says, "to welcome Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew and Mrs. Yew to Singapore."

10/8/85

Sylvester Stallone has dinner at the White House. "It's always flattering to have the highest person in the land admire your work," he says of the President's incessant nattering about Rambo. Also in attendance is first-teacher-in-space-to-be Christa McAuliffe. "He told us a lot of stories about when he was in films," she says of her host. "He also said maybe I could take some papers to grade with me in space."

10/10/85

On a trip to Chicago to promote his tax reform program, President Reagan stuns reporters by suggesting that PLO leader Yasser Arafat could try the captured Achille Lauro hijackers. He is quickly sent out with a retraction.

10/11/85

President Reagan shows up in the White House briefing room with National Security Adviser Robert McFarlane, who will answer questions about the capture of the hijackers. And, since Reagan is again sporting a bandage, he begrudgingly admits he has had yet another skin cancer removed from his nose. "And now," he says, "I can stand before you proudly and say, 'My nose is clean.'"

10/12/85

Richard M. Nixon is chosen to arbitrate a dispute between baseball owners and umpires. "The game will not survive," he says, "unless people continue to have confidence in qualified, competent umpires." His efforts are successful.

10/17/85

Richard M. Nixon's comeback continues as he addresses a dinner for black GOP businessmen in New York. "I don't think the American people are ready for him to sit down at the dining room table," observes Democratic pollster Harrison Hickman, but "now they're willing to send him a sandwich out in the kitchen."

10/24/85

Houston mayoral candidate Louie Welch – speaking into what he thinks is a dead microphone – suggests that one method of AIDS control would be to "shoot the queers." He apologizes, but adds, "I don't think I had the gay vote anyway."

10/31/85

"We would not deploy ... until we sit down with the other nations of the world, and those that have nuclear arsenals, and see if we cannot come to an agreement on which there will be deployment only if there is elimination of nuclear weapons."

--President Reagan, apparently thinking he's saying something comprehensible about the arms race

NOVEMBER 1985

11/5/85

Larry Speakes dismisses President Reagan's incoherent rambling about SDI deployment as "presidential imprecision," explaining that he meant to use the word "sharing" instead of "deployment." Oh.

11/6/85

At a dinner honoring one of the Justice Department's most rigid right-wing ideologues, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) says, "It may be said of Brad Reynolds, and President Reagan, decades from today, that they did more to free the nation of policies of prejudice than any other policy-maker since Abraham Lincoln."

Adds Ed Meese, "Brad Reynolds has proved to be nothing less than the most powerful advocate of civil rights in our time." Then George Will's wife, Madeleine, fills in some details from Brad's past: "As a Cub Scout he blew up his Cub Scout leader's outhouse. His interest in incendiaries continued into adolescence, when he threw a bomb into a librarian's car in high school. So when his critics call him a 'bomb thrower,' they are more accurate than they know."

11/7/85

President Reagan has lunch with six Soviet specialists in preparation for his upcoming summit in Geneva. A participant reports that though the President was "very affable" and seemed to be listening very intently, he asked no questions.

11/9/85

Toasting Princess Diana on her first visit to the United States, President Reagan refers to her as "Princess David." Observes a BBC correspondent, "President Reagan greeted the Prince and Princess wearing a plaid jacket that was remarkably similar to the carpet at Balmoral Castle."

11/13/85

"He's just so programmed. We tried to tell him what was in the bill but he doesn't understand. Everyone, including Republicans, were just shaking their heads."

--Rep. Mary Rose Oskar (D-OH) on President Reagan's reaction to the Gramm-Rudman-Hollings balanced budget bill

11/15/85

Soviet spokesman Georgi Arbatov says that while President Reagan prepared for the summit by watching taped interviews, Mikhail Gorbachev has more traditional methods of study. "He doesn't need 10-minute video clips," Arbatov says. "He has a concentration span." He claims not to know if Gorbachev watched any of Reagan's old movies, adding, "They are B-rated anyway." Responds Reagan – keenly sensitive to underappreciation of his acting achievements – "Well, he's never seen Kings Row."

11/17/85

Donald Regan explains why the Geneva activities of Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev will be of special interest to female readers. "They're not ... going to understand throw-weights," he says, "or what is happening in Afghanistan, or what is happening in human rights. Some women will, but most ... would rather read the human interest stuff." The President, meanwhile, is reported to be upset by suggestions that Raisa is more attractive than his Nancy.

11/19/85

President Reagan – who has explained his failure to meet with previous Soviet leaders because "they kept dying on me" – demonstrates his youthfulness by lunging out without an overcoat to greet Mikhail Gorbachev at the start of their two-day summit. The two spend almost three hours alone with their interpreters, though a "news blackout" makes their alleged rapport difficult to confirm. The President reportedly urges the Soviet leader to "do one thing for me. Tell Arbatov they weren't all B-movies."

Meanwhile, Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev have tea. "I found her a very nice lady," says the First Lady afterward. And what did they discuss? "Big city living as against not big city living."

11/26/85

President Reagan tells reporters that his 688-acre ranch – to which the rambunctious Lucky is being exiled from the White House – is "dog heaven." When reporters attempt to shift the topic to an upcoming tax bill, the President says, "I'm concentrating on dog heaven." Upon landing in California, Lucky bids the public farewell by taking a dump on the tarmac.

11/26/85

Random House pays $3 million for historian Edmund Morris's authorized biography of Ronald Reagan, for which he will receive unprecedented access for the remainder of the President's second term. The book misses its projected 1991 publication date, due to Morris's difficulty in getting a handle on his preternaturally opaque subject. When it is finally published in 1999, Dutch: A Memoir of Ronald Reagan becomes the most controversial presidential biography to date, not because of any details revealed, but rather because Morris has told the tale of Reagan's life by inserting himself as an imaginary character observing it. While this is merely a creative device that gives him a way of telling the story, and while there is something cosmically appropriate about Reagan's biography containing a strain of fiction (though not a single fact about his subject is anything less than 100% accurate), the brazen unorthodoxy of Morris' method has many scholars and pundits up in arms. Despite the kerfuffle of the moment, the book is – as hundreds of swooning critics recognize – utterly brilliant. It is the best biography of Ronald Reagan ever written, and only a fool would expect a better one to come along.

DECEMBER 1985

12/1/85

President Reagan is honored by friends in the entertainment industry at a black-tie event at an NBC studio, where he reveals that his "dream Cabinet" would have included Secretary of State John Wayne, Defense Secretary Clint Eastwood and Treasury Secretary Jack Benny.

12/3/85

"Fly away, fly away, fly away home. Dan Rather reporting from New York. Thank you for joining us. Good night."

--The increasingly bizarre CBS anchor signing off following a report on duck-hunting

12/4/85

President Reagan says he told Mikhail Gorbachev to "just think how easy his task and mine might be if suddenly there was a threat to this world from some other species from another planet." Should such an event occur, suggests the President – of whom it can accurately be said that he's watched too many movies – "we would find out once and for all that we really are all human beings here on this Earth together."

12/4/85

John Poindexter becomes President Reagan's fourth national security adviser when Robert McFarlane resigns – apparently because of tension with Don Regan, who is widely believed to have spread rumors about his alleged lack of marital fidelity.

12/6/85

After a year of the First Lady being dragged around by Lucky, the role of the White House dog is recast with a smaller actor as President Reagan gives Nancy an early Christmas present: a year-old King Charles spaniel. "'Oh, honey,'" Larry Speakes quotes Nancy as saying, "'Thank you, thank you, thank you.'"

This bristly, nervous, unhappy-looking animal – she names him Rex – not only shares his predecessor's insistence on leash control, but brings the additional unpleasantness of incessant barking. He is later rumored to have bitten the President more than once. Still, having already used up their quota on pet returns, the Reagans are stuck with him.

12/11/85

George Bush participates in a dinner honoring the memory of Manchester Union Leader editor William Loeb, whose loathing for Bush was no secret. Bush goes so far as to read selections from Loeb's vitriolic attacks ("a spoon-fed little rich kid," "incompetent liberal masquerading as a conservative") aloud.

12/12/85

New York Times: REAGAN WIDENS USE OF LIE TESTING ON TOP ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS

12/15/85

60 Minutes interviews Berkeley professor Michael Rogin, who posits the theory that the President – who talked to Gorbachev about an invasion from outer space – honestly can't tell the difference between movies and reality. The evolution of a Reagan anecdote is traced from the point where he credits it as a movie scene to the point where he tells it as if it really happened. Viewer response proves this to be one of the least popular segments in the program's 17-year history.

12/19/85

"The minute in this government I am told that I'm not trusted is the day that I leave."

--George Shultz announcing that he would resign before he'd take a lie detector test

12/24/85

Washington Post: REAGAN UNAWARE OF SWEEP OF POLYGRAPH ORDER

12/31/85

Singer Rick Nelson dies in a plane crash.

JANUARY 1986

1/7/86

At his 33rd press conference President Reagan calls the Vienna airport "Vietnam International," and declares Libyan leader Qaddafi to be "not only a barbarian but he's flaky."

1/12/86

Asked by reporter Gabe Pressman about his "wish list" for improving the quality of life in New York, real estate mogul Donald Trump thinks the big problem is street peddlers. "I see trucks pulling up at 6:30 in the morning, and people bringing carts off these trucks right onto Fifth Avenue," says Trump, who seems to think he owns the street just because he built a big ugly building there. "I don't think the politicians really understand how upset the public is when they see a man selling hot dogs and dumping the catsup and mustard all over the sidewalk ... How come the law goes after everybody else, but the law doesn't go after the people that are selling nonsense on the street, not paying taxes, ruining the environment, ruining the city, ruining the great streets of the city of New York?"

1/23/86

In the tradition of his 1984 accusation that Mondale had slandered the memory of the murdered Marines, Vice President Bush accuses Mario Cuomo of "pitting one American against another" by raising the question of ethnic bigotry in national politics. "Worst of all," Bush claims, "he's telling us to be ashamed to stand up and be proud of this great land." Cuomo, who of course had said nothing of the kind, observes, "There are few things more amusing in the world of politics than watching moderate Republicans charging to the right in pursuit of greater glory."

1/24/86

Vice President Bush addresses the first meeting of the Liberty Federation, the benign new name for the odious Moral Majority. "America is in crying need of the moral vision you have brought to our political life," he gushes to Jerry Falwell. "What great goals you have!"

1/24/86

Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard dies of a stroke.

1/27/86

The launch of the Challenger space shuttle is delayed for the sixth time in six days. Engineers for Morton Thiokol, which builds the solid rocket boosters, express serious concern about whether the critical O-ring seals will hold in the abnormally low Florida temperatures, but their objections are overruled and lift-off is scheduled for the next morning, with Christa McAuliffe's students prepared to watch in class.

1/28/86

In a bitter early-morning confrontation at the White House, Tip O'Neill attacks President Reagan to his face for spreading "a bunch of baloney" about the reasons for joblessness. "I thought you would have grown in five years," he shouts, adding, "I never did believe your story about the Chicago welfare queen." Then something happens and their attention is refocused elsewhere.

1/28/86

Assessing the impact of the explosion of the Challenger on President Reagan's scheduled State of the Union message, which winds up being delayed a week, Michael Reagan observes, "That'll be a tough act for Dad to follow."

1/30/86

Columnist George Will, repelled by Vice President Bush's grotesque pandering to the far right, writes, "The unpleasant sound emitting from Bush as he traipses from one conservative gathering to another is a thin, tinny 'arf' – the sound of a lapdog." Says an unnamed Bush aide, "We have to reconsider a strategy that results in major news media figures across the ideological spectrum questioning his character."

FEBRUARY 1986

2/6/86

President Reagan turns 75, prompting not just the familiar joke about the "36th anniversary of my 39th birthday" but the additional insight that 75 is "only 24 Celsius."

2/11/86

With Ferdinand Marcos apparently having stolen his election, President Reagan looks on the bright side, claiming to be "encouraged" by evidence of a "two-party system in the Philippines," even if only one is allowed to win. Observes Rep. Stephen Solarz (D-NY), "The suggestion that the opposition should accept with equanimity the fact that the election has been stolen constitutes prima facie evidence that they are smoking hashish in the White House."

2/17/86

Press secretary Elaine Crispen reports that Nancy Reagan has so far had no time to read her daughter Patti's novel, Home Front, about a cold mother and a distant father who just happen to be the First Family. Key scene: the new First Lady touring the White House while burbling, "There's just so much history here! Imagine all the people who have been within these walls. But, good grief, I just can't wait to redecorate."

2/18/86

"As I've said before, you can't fight attack helicopters piloted by Cubans with Band-Aids and mosquito nets."

--President Reagan campaigning for military, not just humanitarian, contra aid

2/20/86

President Reagan stages a five-hour visit to Grenada, where he is serenaded in a calypso song as "Uncle Reagan." Caspar Weinberger snaps photos without removing his lens cap.

2/21/86

The Wall Street Journal unmasks Vice President Bush as a user of the phrase "deep doo-doo."

2/24/86

Michael Deaver – who claims to be "making far more than I ever thought I would" from his new lobbying firm – appears on the cover of Time in his black Jaguar talking on a car phone. The cover line reads "Who Is This Man Calling?" Soon after the magazine hits the stands, Nancy Reagan calls. "Mike, you made a big mistake," she says of this flaunting of success. "I think you're going to regret it." And, sure enough, he does.

2/25/86

Corazon Aquino is sworn in as the new Philippine president in the wake of a citizen's revolt following Ferdinand Marcos' stealing of the election. At Malacanang Palace, Marcos is also sworn in but, having lost control of the military, he and Imelda accept the US offer of sanctuary. They flee to Hawaii with as much money as they can escape with, though they are forced to leave most possessions behind. Among them: 3,000 pairs of Imelda's shoes, hundreds of matching handbags, thousands of dresses and 500 black bras. Says Women's Wear Daily publisher John Fairchild, "She spent all this money, but she was never attractively dressed."

2/26/86

"I don't expect you'll hear me writing any poems to the greater glory of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. Why should I?"

--Robert Penn Warren on the occasion of being named the first US poet laureate

2/28/86

Though the comment exists on tape, President Reagan denies that he called reporters "sons of bitches" for asking questions at a photo op. Larry Speakes claims Reagan said, "It's sunny and you're rich," though he offers no clue as to what that inane comment would have meant.

2/28/86

After failing to spin a basketball on her finger, Nancy Reagan resumes her tradition of kissing the bald heads of large black men by bussing Harlem Globetrotter Curly Neal.

MARCH 1986

3/1/86

"Some of his statements are almost more than a human being can bear."

--Jimmy Carter on President Reagan's habitual lying about the nation's military preparedness when he took office

3/3/86

President Reagan reveals his ignorance of the condition of Central American roads by claiming that victory for the Sandinistas would create "a privileged sanctuary for terrorists and subversives just two days' driving time from Harlingen, Texas."

3/3/86

"They hope Patti finds writing satisfying."

--Spokesperson Elaine Crispen on the First Couple's reaction to their daughter's literary career

3/5/86

President Reagan renews his campaign for another $100 million in contra aid. "If we don't want to see the map of Central America covered in a sea of red, eventually lapping at our own borders," he warns, "we must act now." The House votes no.

3/5/86

New York Times: MEESE BACKS DRUG TESTS FOR EMPLOYEES

3/5/86

After watching Bruce Springsteen sign autographs on a flight to Los Angeles, Richard M. Nixon introduces himself to the singer. "I notice that you sign your full name," he says. "And it's such a very long name. When I was vice president, I remember going in to see President Eisenhower while he was signing a stack of letters. He looked at me and said, 'Dick, you're lucky to have a short name.'"

3/6/86

Two hours before she is scheduled to appear on The Tonight Show, Patti Davis – who earlier in her publicity tour had been dropped from her mother's friend Merv Griffin's show – is told that her appearance has been cancelled by the show's guest host, her mother's friend Joan Rivers.

3/12/86

"I hope she makes a lot of money. I thought it was interesting fiction."

--President Reagan's reaction to his daughter Patti's novel

3/13/86

Federal district judge nominee Jefferson B. Sessions is questioned by the Senate Judiciary Committee about his statement that the Klan was "okay until I found out they smoked pot," and about some derogatory comments about the NAACP. "I may have said something about the NAACP being un-American or Communist," he admits, "but I meant no harm by it." He is the first of President Reagan's judicial appointments to be denied confirmation.

3/14/86

"I guess in a way they are counter-revolutionary and God bless them for being that. And I guess that makes them contras and so it makes me a contra, too."

--President Reagan campaigning for contra aid

3/17/86

New York Times correction: "A Miami dispatch yesterday ... described Federal District Judge John J. Sirica incorrectly. He is alive."

3/18/86

Thanks to disorganization among Illinois Democrats – and the vaguely foreign-sounding names of their opponents – Mark Fairchild and Janice Hart, two disciples of extremist Lyndon LaRouche, win the party's nominations for lieutenant governor and secretary of state. "We're going to roll our tanks down State Street," declares Hart at their victory press conference, promising "Nuremberg tribunals" for drug dealers and mandatory AIDS testing. They are not elected.

3/21/86

Four years after it was first discredited, President Reagan resurrects his fable about British gun laws in an interview with The New York Times. Do any of the three veteran reporters challenge him? To ask the question is to answer it.

3/22/86

President Reagan invites Nancy on stage at the Gridiron Dinner to say something nice about the press. She stands silently. "Don't you have just a few kind words?" he asks. "Won't you say something?" Another pause. "I'm thinking," says the First Lady. "I'm thinking." Everyone laughs and laughs.

3/24/86

In an interview broadcast on Oscar night, Barbara Walters talks to the Reagans about their favorite subject: the movies. Discussing fleeting romantic involvements between stars, the President says, "I coined a term for it. Leading lady-itis, leading man-itis ... I came here and the first picture, June Travis was the leading lady ... And I could see where it did happen. The picture ended and – "

"And you said, 'bye-bye,'" says Nancy.

"And, yeah, I said, 'bye-bye,'" says the President, whose wife pats his knee and says, "Good boy!"

And which films made the greatest impression on him as a youth? "Dracula," he says, "and, oh – the man that's built by the doctor."

Frankenstein? The President nods. "Frankenstein."

3/27/86

"I don't see why anyone should put me down for my job. I'm bright. I'm intelligent. I turn letters – so what? I also talk. I talk on the show! People know my name on the show!"

--Vanna White defending her role on Wheel of Fortune

APRIL 1986

4/1/86

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors votes to lobby Congress to rename the Angeles National Forest the "Reagan National Forest." Says Sierra Club spokesman Bob Hattoy, "Naming a national forest after Ronald Reagan is like naming a day care center after W.C. Fields."

4/2/86

After stopping for a snack at a New Jersey Burger King, Richard M. Nixon leaves a note. "Best Wishes to Burger King, home of the Whopper," he writes. "Love, Richard Nixon."

4/3/86

Michael Reagan makes his TV acting debut as a politician on the daytime soap opera Capitol.

4/4/86

"I wonder what people thought I was going to do when I left the White House. Be a brain surgeon?"

--Michael Deaver defending himself against charges that he has cashed in on his White House connections with unseemly speed and greed

4/6/86

Oliver Sacks' The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, an examination of bizarre neurological disorders, begins a 26-week run on the New York Times best-seller list. One highlight is an account of oppositely impaired patients – aphasiacs, who can't understand spoken words but do take in information from extra-verbal cues, and tonal agnosiacs, who understand the actual words but miss their emotional content – watching a speech by President Reagan.

"It was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the voice," writes Sacks, which caused the word-deaf aphasiacs to laugh hysterically at the Great Communicator, while one agnosiac, relying entirely on the actual words, sat in stony silence, concluding that "he is not cogent ... his word-use is improper" and suspecting that "he has something to conceal."

"Here then," writes Sacks, "was the paradox of the President's speech. We normals – aided, doubtless, by our wish to be fooled, were indeed well and truly fooled ... And so cunningly was deceptive word-use combined with deceptive tone, that only the brain-damaged remained intact, undeceived."

4/8/86

Clint Eastwood is elected mayor of Carmel, California by a 72-27 margin over the incumbent, who is not a famous movie star.

4/9/86

President Reagan says he rarely quotes William F. Buckley Jr. "because he uses too big a words."

4/9/86

Defending Michael Deaver against charges of influence peddling, President Reagan says of his friend, "I have to tell you, Mike has never put the arm on me."

4/10/86

USA Today: $1M OR DATE WITH JOAN COLLINS? MOST TAKE MONEY

4/12/86

Excerpts from David Stockman's memoir, The Triumph of Politics: Why the Reagan Revolution Failed, appear in Newsweek. Recalling having to sit through an "embarrassing" 20-minute lecture by Reagan, who knew little about the relationship between taxes and budget deficits, Stockman writes, "What do you do when your President ignores all the palpable, relevant facts and wanders in circles?"

Though the book is rife with devastating anecdotes – one of the best features Caspar Weinberger defending his swollen military budget by showing Reagan cartoon drawings of three soldiers in varying states of preparedness, prompting Stockman to write, "Did he think the White House was on Sesame Street?" – the media focuses instead on the author's alleged betrayal of the President.

4/14/86

Refuting the popular myth that she spent too much money on herself, Imelda Marcos explains that she was "too busy thinking about electrical power, education, roads, bridges and transportation to shop."

4/14/86

Claiming to be retaliating against Libya for its alleged involvement in the bombing of a Berlin disco that killed a US serviceman, President Reagan orders a series of air strikes against what the White House calls "terrorist centers." It is later revealed that the real intent of the bombing was to assassinate Qaddafi, who is not injured, though his infant daughter is killed. In any event, Frank Sinatra must be pleased, since he sends a telegram that reads, "Encore, encore, encore. Francis Albert."

4/16/86

A gloating Donald Regan says an old Marine Corps buddy called to suggest that the lyrics to the Marine Hymn be changed to "From the halls of Montezuma to what's left of Tripoli."

The President is reported to have told Michael Deaver – whose questionable ethics have been getting a lot of media attention – "Well, Mike, I bombed Libya for you."

4/17/86

"I don't have too much time for fiction."

--President Reagan claiming, quite believably, not to have read David Stockman's book

4/18/86

"When you meet the President you ask yourself, 'How did it ever occur to anybody that he should be governor, much less President?'"

--Henry Kissinger addressing a small group of scholars at the Library of Congress, unaware of the presence of a reporter

4/21/86

"I have yet to see one shred of evidence that supports this patently ridiculous and Orwellian contention."

--Rep. Edward Markey (D-MA) dismissing the administration's claim that a ban on underground testing might somehow encourage other nations to develop their own nuclear weapons

4/21/86

Addressing a group of newspaper publishers, Richard M. Nixon is asked what he thinks were the lessons of Watergate. "Just destroy all the tapes," he says. So convivial is the spirit that the former President even shares a laugh with Washington Post publisher Katharine Graham.

4/21/86

Geraldo Rivera hosts a live broadcast during which Al Capone's "secret underground vault" is opened for the first time in 50 years. "This is an adventure you and I will take together!" he pants. After almost two hours of wallowing in mob lore, he detonates a charge and knocks down a wall, revealing ... dirt and an empty bottle.

4/26/86

Austrian-born right-winger Arnold Schwarzenegger marries Kennedy niece Maria Shriver at the family compound in Massachusetts.

4/28/86

Abnormally high radiation levels are recorded across Scandinavia, forcing the reluctant Soviets to announce that the world's worst nuclear accident is underway in the Ukraine, where a reactor at the Chernobyl power station is experiencing meltdown. Though a disaster on a holocaust scale is averted, 31 people are killed, 135,000 evacuated and six million Kiev residents are faced with tainted water and milk. Long-term damage to health and the environment is impossible to guess at. Initial Soviet refusal to give out any information about casualties fuels tabloid speculation about thousands buried in mass graves.

4/28/86

Lobbyist Michael Deaver, under investigation by several congressional committees, requests an independent counsel to look into charges that he lined up clients – among them the governments of Canada, South Korea and Puerto Rico – before leaving the White House. Ed Meese announces that his "longtime association" with Deaver disqualifies him from any further involvement in the case.

MAY 1986

5/4/86

Parade teases its readers with this query: "Who is the member of the Reagan Cabinet referred to as 'Fathead'? And which of the Washington lobbyists with great access to the White House is known as 'The Raging Queen'?" The reply: "Sorry, but to answer your two questions would do more harm than good."

5/5/86

Barbara Bush reveals that when her husband turned 60 two years ago, he resolved never again to eat broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower or cabbage. And, she adds, "he hasn't."

5/6/86

Larry Speakes reports that in Tokyo last week, President Reagan told French President Francois Mitterand, "Let this be the first day of the rest of our lives." And so, presumably, it was. Mitterand's response is unreported.

5/6/86

Having prevented the confirmation of Jefferson Sessions, the Democrats try for two by taking on Reagan appeals court nominee Daniel Manion, who cites among his 10 "most significant" cases the defense of a client accused of improperly repairing a Volkswagen Rabbit. Manion – whose career is closely tied to that of his John Birchite father, and whose legal writings are rife with what The New York Times describes as "non-standard spelling, grammar and syntax" – is defended by Indiana senator Dan Quayle, who went to law school with him and therefore knows that he "epitomizes what we all like to see in jurisprudence."

5/6/86

Asked how many nights she and her husband have spent apart, Nancy Reagan replies incongruously, "This must be an X-rated film!"

5/16/86

Patrick Duffy accepts a huge amount of money to return to Dallas, which has pretty much sucked since the rivalry between the Ewing brothers was lost with Bobby's death. This assures a summer of speculation about how – and as who – he'll rejoin the show.

5/16/86

Michael Deaver testifies under oath before the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee, characterizing attacks on him as "mean-spirited ... groundless and impertinent" and "an implicit attack on the integrity of the President." He says he has "never traded on my relationship with the President for any client, and I never will" – a comment bound to make many of them wonder what they're paying him for.

5/19/86

Nicholas von Hoffman expresses a healthy skepticism about Nancy Reagan's anti-drug campaign. Noting the First Lady's "dead eyes and death mask smile," the columnist writes, "Can you think of a well-known American with less of a chance to influence the green-haired, angel-dusted, coke-sniffing teenagers dancing through the school corridors than this prissy, inanimate lady?"

5/21/86

President Reagan tells a group of students, "I don't believe that there is anyone that is going hungry in America simply by reason of denial or lack of ability to feed them. It is by people not knowing where or how to get this help." Asked what this observation is based on, Larry Speakes says, "That is his view." Critics note that the Reagan administration eliminated the program that used to inform needy people of available benefits.

5/22/86

Bette Davis tells Johnny Carson the only passable performance Ronald Reagan ever gave was as the amputee in Kings Row. "But," she adds, "you know, take a man's leg off and you've got a lot going for you in those scenes."

5/23/86

"You're the disease. I'm the cure," grunts Sylvester Stallone in Cobra, in which he plays a cop so tough he wears shades during a shootout in a dark supermarket. Though the film is expected to be a sure hit, the psychopathic actions of its hero – who douses one killer with gasoline before igniting him, and impales another on a smelting hook before sending him into a blast furnace – make him a little, well, hard to relate to.

New York Times critic Nina Darnton says the film "shows such contempt for the most basic American values embodied in the concept of a fair trial that Mr. Stallone no longer, even nominally, represents an ideology that is recognizably American."

L.A. Weekly critic John Powers writes, "He may wear Old Glory as his diaper, but his work soils everything this country claims to stand for." The suspicion grows stronger that Stallone's moment has finally passed.

5/25/86

Hands Across America – an attempt by promoter Ken Kragen to raise money for the homeless by creating a coast-to-coast human chain – attracts 5 million participants. Though long gaps break up the 4,152-mile route and considerably less than the hoped-for $50 million in donations is raised, still, a lot of people have a good time gawking at celebrities while standing around in the middle of traffic-free streets and singing well-meaning songs.

5/26/86

Maureen Reagan attacks the media for reporting that her father had initially refused to join the Hands Across America line. "He didn't know he had been invited," she explains.

5/26/86

Newsweek – which two weeks ago ran a cover story on the rehabilitation of Richard Nixon ("He's Back") – reports on a new study showing that college-educated single women of 40 "are more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than they are to find a mate. Writes columnist Ellen Goodman of this statistic, "The only news ... that could terrify more readers would be an amalgam of both stories: 'Richard Nixon's Back, and He Wants to Marry YOU!'"

JUNE 1986

6/9/86

DC Comics announces that, as part of its "updating" of Superman, Clark Kent will be "more open about his feelings" and "a little more upwardly mobile."

6/11/86

President Reagan distinguishes himself at his 37th press conference by:

*Responding to a question about abortion with an answer about child abuse

*Displaying a certain confusion about whether or not the SALT II treaty exists and about whether or not he plans to order construction of another space shuttle

*Claiming that the government is providing 93 million meals a day to hungry Americans.

He later explains that he spent too much time concentrating on which reporters to call on. "Next time," he tells aides, "I'm going to concentrate not on who I'm calling on, but what I'm going to say."

6/16/86

U.S. intelligence sources reveal that Muammar Qaddafi has become so unbalanced that he dresses in drag and takes mind-altering drugs, prompting the New York Post to announce, "MADMAN MOAMMAR NOW A DRUGGIE DRAG QUEEN." The tabloid includes an altered photograph of the Libyan leader, claiming that "dressed in drag," he "might look like this."

6/17/86

Chief Justice Warren Burger gives up his lifetime seat on the Supreme Court to organize the hype for next year's Bicentennial of the Constitution. President Reagan promotes the court's most right-wing Justice, William Rehnquist, to the top spot, and names conservative Antonin Scalia to the vacancy, beginning the remaking of the court that his foes have long feared would be his lasting legacy.

6/19/86

Two days after being the first draft pick of the Boston Celtics – and one day after signing a multi-million-dollar 10-year contract to endorse Reeboks – University of Maryland basketball star Len Bias dies. His cocaine-caused death, followed eight days later by that of Cleveland Browns safety Don Morris, helps kick off a summer of drug hysteria.

6/20/86

The editors of The New York Times announce their decision that "Ms." has become part of the language and is now allowed to appear in the paper's pages.

6/23/86

Citing "unethical," "unprofessional" and "particularly reprehensible" misconduct dating back to the 1960s, a New York State court disbars Roy Cohn, who is dying of what he insists is not AIDS. He is dead six weeks later. Yes, from AIDS.

6/24/86

The Senate fails by one vote to defeat Daniel Manion after an arm-waving, red-faced Dan Quayle pressures Kansas Republican Nancy Kassebaum into withdrawing her vote against him. "You know," Quayle tells Ted Koppel, "I'm not so sure that we want all those that graduated number one or number two in their class to be on ... our federal judiciary. This is a diversified society."

6/25/86

The House finally caves in and votes 221-209 for military aid to the Nicaraguan contras, which leader Adolfo Calero claims could be the turning point in the war. "It will be," he says, "like the light at the end of the tunnel."

6/29/86

Archconservative North Carolina senator John East, 55 and in failing health, asphyxiates himself in his garage.

6/30/86

President Reagan rejects a Soviet proposal to resume talks on the 1979 SALT II treaty, which he has decided to abandon. Jokes the President, "Too much SALT isn't good for you."

JULY 1986

7/1/86

New York Times: HIGH COURT, 5-4, SAYS STATES HAVE THE RIGHT TO OUTLAW PRIVATE HOMOSEXUAL ACTS

7/2/86

ABC begins 17½ hours of coverage of Liberty Weekend, a four-day celebration of the centennial of the newly renovated Statue of Liberty. Presiding over the relighting ceremony, President Reagan refers to poet Emma Lazarus (who wrote the dedication a century earlier) as "Emmett Lazarus."

7/4/86

Caught up in the spirit of Liberty Weekend, Bob Hope jokes that the Statue of Liberty has AIDS, but "nobody knows if she got it from the mouth of the Hudson or the Staten Island fairy."

7/6/86

Nancy Reagan, 65, celebrates her 63rd birthday. The next day Random House announces that it will publish her memoirs in 1989. Says her agent, "She's a no-holds-barred lady." In other words, expect some score-settling from the woman who a former White House aide said "has a stare that could melt a building."

7/9/86

Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) goes undercover to demonstrate how easy it is to procure crack in Manhattan. He buys two vials as surveillance cameras roll, then indignantly denies it is an election-year stunt.

7/9/86

Standing in front of a bare-breasted statue at the Justice Department, Ed Meese accepts the 1,960-page report from his $500,000 pornography commission. Available in two volumes from the government for $35, the report becomes something of a cult item for its 100-plus page listing of book, movie and magazine titles (Teenage Dog Orgy, Cathy's Sore Bottom, Lesbian Foot Lovers – The Movie) and 200 pages of detailed descriptions and excerpts from said material.

7/16/86

"Are the women of America prepared to give up all their jewelry?"

--Donald Regan questioning the depth of public support – in particular, female support – for economic sanctions against South Africa

7/20/86

Nancy Reagan arrives in London for the wedding of Prince Andrew and Sarah ("Fergie") Ferguson. How does it feel to be back in England? "Love it," she ad-libs. And is she looking forward to the wedding? "I should say so." At the wedding, she wears an outfit topped off with a gaucho hat that critic Elvis Mitchell says makes her look like "Zorro's mother."

7/22/86

President Reagan addresses the nation to explain his opposition to sanctions against South Africa, which he refers to as "South America." Says South African Bishop Desmond Tutu, "Your President is the pits as far as blacks are concerned ... I found the speech nauseating."

7/29/86

The United States Football League – created out of the perverse notion that what America needs is more football – wins its antitrust suit against the NFL, but is awarded only one dollar, considerably shy of the $1.69 billion USFL owners had been counting on to bail out the failing league.

7/30/86

At his confirmation hearing, William Rehnquist:

*Explains that a 1952 memo he wrote supporting the "separate but equal" doctrine represented not his views, but those of the justice he was clerking for

*Denies having challenged the credentials of minority voters in the early '60s

*Claims to have no recall that his Vermont vacation home came with an unlawful covenant prohibiting its sale to anyone of the "Hebrew race," though a 1974 letter from his lawyer informing him of this is soon discovered.

Senators are left to decide whether the Chief Justice should be a man who somehow forgot that the deed to his house was illegal.

AUGUST 1986

8/1/86

Four witnesses rebut William Rehnquist's denials of having challenged minority voters at the polls in 1962. "I assure you," testifies San Francisco attorney James Brosnahan, "I assure you that if it was even close I would be home having my Friday afternoon lunch at Jack's ... I'm telling you my recollection."

8/1/86

Touring the Middle East, Vice President Bush makes small talk with Jordanian commander-in-chief Lt. Gen. Zeid Bin Shaker.

"Tell me, general," he says, "how dead is the Dead Sea?" Replies Shaker, "Very dead, sir."

8/4/86

Having just announced his administration's election year effort to seem tough on drugs, President Reagan is asked if this means he is taking over the anti-drug movement from Nancy. Asks the President, grinning imbecilically, "Do I look like an idiot?"

8/7/86

A Let's-Repeal-the-22nd-Amendment-and-Give-Reagan-a-Third-Term rally is interrupted by a protester who tries to bring everybody down. "Ronald Wilson Reagan is the beast, he's 6-6-6," the man shouts. "Check it out."

8/9/86

President Reagan sets a statesman-like example by submitting a sample of his urine for drug-testing. He's clean.

8/12/86

A House subcommittee votes to send evidence that Michael Deaver "knowingly and willfully" lied under oath to independent counsel – the new nice name for special prosecutor – Whitney North Seymour Jr. By the end of the month, the lobbyist has lost $1 million worth of clients who feel his powers of persuasion may have passed their peak.

8/13/86

The parents of 13-year-old Deanna Young of Orange County, California are arrested after the girl shows up at the police station with a bag of marijuana, pills and cocaine from their home. Says Nancy Reagan, "She must have loved her parents a great deal. I hope they realize just how much she loves them."

Meanwhile, Nancy Reagan's friend Mary Martin suggests that perhaps the First Lady should avoid seeing her current play, Legends, since it contains a hash brownie scene. Sure enough, it is announced the next day that a "schedule conflict" will prevent the Reagans from attending the show.

8/20/86

The phrase "going postal" is born when mailman Patrick Sherrill responds to a series of reprimands by showing up at the Edmond, Oklahoma post office with three pistols and killing 14 people before blowing his own brains out. "There was a lot of blood, a lot of bodies," says a police officer afterward. "With fourteen people, you're going to have a lot of blood."

8/30/86

A week after Soviet physicist Gennadi Zakharov is arrested for spying in New York, American correspondent Nicholas Daniloff is arrested for spying in Moscow. Declares President Reagan, "There will be no trade."

SEPTEMBER 1986

9/1/86

"Surround yourself with the best people you can find, delegate authority, and don't interfere."

--President Reagan, as quoted in a Fortune interview for its cover story "WHAT MANAGERS CAN LEARN FROM MANAGER REAGAN"

9/1/86

Dan Rather begins closing his nightly news broadcast with the word, "Courage." Says Rather, "It's a good word. I think I'm going to use it for a while." The resulting mockery insures that the while lasts one week.

9/2/86

With national drug hysteria peaking, Dan Rather hosts 48 Hours on Crack Street, a two-hour special on the country's latest cocaine scourge. A Tom Brokaw coke special airs three days later.

Meanwhile, in Indiana, a 13-year-old summons police to his home to confiscate less than an ounce of marijuana and arrest his parents.

9/4/86

"When the chapter on how America won the war on drugs is written, the Reagans' speech is sure to be viewed as a turning point."

--White House announcement of an upcoming anti-drug speech amusingly billed as the Reagans' first "joint address"

9/8/86

Addressing the continuing Soviet incarceration of Nicholas Daniloff, President Reagan reiterates, "There will be no trade."

9/14/86

Sitting on a couch in the White House living quarters, the Reagans urge a "national crusade" against the "cancer of drugs." Four months later, after the election is over, the President proposes drastic cuts in funding for anti-drug programs.

9/15/86

Welcoming a group of Soviet children to City Hall, Ed Koch is compelled to tell them their government "is the pits." Says one 14-year-old, "I want to get on the bus and go far away from this place." Observes The New York Times, "He sounded like a cranky old man who needs a stray Airedale to kick."

9/15/86

Michael Jackson's manager Frank DiLeo reveals that the singer has installed a hyperbaric oxygen chamber in his home, which he thinks will help him live to 150. Says DiLeo, "I can't figure him out sometimes."

9/15/86

A People excerpt from Kitty Kelley's Sinatra biography His Way reveals that, before it became necessary to suck up to the Reagans, Frank thought Ronnie was "a real right-wing John Birch Society nut – dumb and dangerous" and called Nancy "a dope with fat ankles who could never make it as an actress."

9/17/86

William Rehnquist is confirmed as Chief Justice, 65-33 – the highest negative vote ever received by a confirmed justice.

Then, having exhausted themselves, members debate for about five minutes before confirming, by 98-0, the at least as conservative Antonin Scalia.

9/21/86

Imelda Marcos explains that the reason there were so many shoes in her closets was, "Everybody kept their shoes there. The maids ... everybody."

9/22/86

"My name is Sydney Biddle Barrows. For a while, I ran a very successful business in New York. The story of that business is told in my new book, Mayflower Madam. That's right. That's me. My book is now appearing in the Daily News. It's all there in this Daily News series: how I started my escort service, how I recruited my girls and screened my clients. The story of the Mayflower Madam – my story – now appearing in the Daily News."

--New York TV ad

9/26/86

President Reagan vetoes a bill that would impose mild economic sanctions against South Africa. The veto is soundly overridden.

9/26/86

After months of conjecture about how Patrick Duffy would return to Dallas, the producers boldly reveal that Bobby Ewing wasn't really killed after all. His death, and the entire last season, turn out to have been Pam's bad dream. Meanwhile, on the Dallas spin-off Knots Landing, where grief over Bobby's demise was a major plot point last season, he remains dead.

9/30/86

Eighty-five minutes after Soviet spy Gennadi Zakharov is allowed to fly home to Moscow, a plane carrying Nicholas Daniloff lands in Washington. A trade? The President claims there is "no connection" between the two events.

OCTOBER 1986

10/2/86

Bob Woodward reveals the US strategy, devised by National Security Adviser John Poindexter, of lying to the media about Libya in order to undermine Qaddafi. "We are not telling lies, or doing any of these disinformation things," President Reagan lies, but a more candid George Shultz defends the scheme. "If I were a private citizen ... and read that my government was trying to confuse somebody who was ... murdering Americans, I'd say, 'Gee, I hope it's true.'"

Woodward also reports that Reagan livened up a recent meeting by asking, "Why not invite Qaddafi to San Francisco, he likes to dress up so much?" To which Shultz replied, "Why don't we give him AIDS?"

10/3/86

"Mystery guest" Nicholas Daniloff inexplicably turns up at the celebration of Disney World's 15th anniversary, though he rushes off stage before he can be embraced by someone in a Mickey Mouse costume. "We didn't force anything," says a Disney PR man. "If he didn't want his picture taken with Mickey, that's okay."

10/4/86

Dan Rather is accosted on Park Avenue by two well-dressed men who beat him up while repeatedly demanding, "Kenneth, what is the frequency?" The incident is never explained – you know, just another one of those Rather-y things – but it does eventually inspire a great R.E.M. song.

10/5/86

Three American mercenaries die on a supply run to the contras when their cargo plane is shot down by Nicaraguan government forces. Survivor Eugene Hasenfus is captured in the jungle. The White House, the State Department, the Defense Department and the CIA all claim noninvolvement.

10/5/86

Sitting next to pianist Vladimir Horowitz as President Reagan thanks him for his White House concert, Nancy Reagan – on the edge of a three-foot-high stage – shifts in her chair and tumbles into a box of potted chrysanthemums. "Honey," quips the President, "I told you to do that only if I didn't get any applause." Everyone laughs and laughs.

10/9/86

Despite President Reagan's statement that the downed cargo plane had "absolutely" no connection to the US government, Eugene Hasenfus says – from a prison in Managua – that his mission was supervised by the CIA.

10/10/86

Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) suggests that the Foreign Relations Committee question Lt. Col. Oliver North, a National Security Council member reportedly close to the Nicaraguan rebels, in connection with White House involvement in the private arming of the contras.

10/11/86

In Reykjavik, Iceland, President Reagan reprises his I'm-so-vigorous-I-don't-need-an-overcoat act as he greets Mikhail Gorbachev at Hofdi House, where they hold their first summit session. Raisa – who has shown up despite Nancy's understanding that the wives were staying home – comments on the First Lady's absence. "Maybe she had something else to do," she suggests. "Or maybe she is sick."

10/12/86

The summit collapses in Reykjavik amid mutual charges of intransigence and confusion about just which and how many weapons President Reagan suggested getting rid of.

"I don't know what else I could have done," Gorbachev reportedly says, as the two leaders walk grimly to their limousines.

"You could have said yes," Reagan reportedly says.

"The Soviets are the ones that refused to make the deal," barks Donald Regan. "It shows them up for what they are ... The Soviets refused to trade. Would you please get it straight? The President didn't refuse to trade." Observes George Shultz, "The President's performance was magnificent."

10/12/86

Vice President Bush denies any involvement in contra resupply efforts, despite having met twice with former CIA agent Felix Rodriguez, whose job that resupply has been.

10/17/86

George Shultz releases the text of the President's arms control proposal to prove that Reagan did not suggest getting rid of all nuclear weapons. Larry Speakes says the President may have been – as, despite his reputation as "the Great Communicator," he curiously seems so often to be – "misunderstood."

10/17/86

Staking out the little-explored territory of "adversarial portraiture," guerrilla artist Robbie Conal goes out in the middle of the night and puts up posters of his latest work, MEN WITH NO LIPS – which depicts President Reagan, Donald Regan, Caspar Weinberger and James Baker as putrescent figures rotting from the corruption of power – on traffic light boxes and construction sites around Los Angeles.

10/18/86

"They've taken the pot, there is no more pot. You can't get any more pot. If you give us back the pot, we'll forget about the crack."

--Comic Sam Kinison attacking government drug policies on Saturday Night Live, from which timid NBC censors bleep the joke for West Coast viewers

10/19/86

"I used to play poker with him, and any guy who could screech over losing 40 bucks I always thought shouldn't be President of the United States."

--Tip O'Neill on Richard M. Nixon

10/20/86

Washington Post: BUSH AWARE OF CONTRA OPERATION, HASENFUS SAYS

10/21/86

TV evangelist and presidential hopeful Pat Robertson files a $35 million libel suit against former California congressman Pete McCloskey, who served with him in the Marines and has been more than happy to share his "single distinct memory" of Robertson: waving goodbye from the dock in Japan as the others were going off to combat in Korea, explaining "with a big grin on his face" that his father – a US senator – had pulled some strings to keep him safe.

10/22/86

"I was in such a hurry, I wrote my last name first."

--President Reagan, after signing his tax reform bill "Reagan Ronald"

10/23/86

New York Times: MEESE SAYS HIGH COURT DOESN'T SET 'LAW OF LAND' / ASSERTS RULINGS OF TOP JUSTICES BIND ONLY THOSE IN CASE

10/24/86

Campaigning for the re-election of Oklahoma senator Don Nickles, President Reagan calls him "Don Rickles."

10/30/86

Ed Meese urges employers to begin spying on workers in "locker rooms, parking lots, shipping and mail room areas and even the nearby taverns" to try to catch them using drugs.

10/30/86

Nancy Reagan appears as a guest on The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers. "You're such a warm person," says Rivers. "There's such a warmth coming out of you, it's incredible!" Rivers' recent reference to President Reagan as a "turkey neck" does not come up.

10/31/86

"In a seeming paradox, those who approve of lying were much more likely to believe the Administration tells the truth ... The paradox was explained by the fact that almost all of those who approved of not telling the whole truth were supporters of the Administration."

--The New York Times, in a story headlined MOST RESENT LIES BY WHITE HOUSE

10/31/86

Campaigning in Spokane for the re-election of Washington senator Slade Gorton, President Reagan calls state GOP chairman Jennifer Dunn "Dunn Jennifer."

NOVEMBER 1986

11/1/86

Appearing in a Manhattan court to answer a weapons charge, Floyd Flow, 24, is arrested when a bag stuffed with 76 vials of crack is found on his person. Says Flow, "I forgot I had it with me."

11/1/86

A Texas hospital takes its phone off the hook after a computer glitch in the Dallas GOP's get-out-the-vote drive results in a four-hour barrage of recorded messages from President Reagan.

11/2/86

Hostage David Jacobsen is released in Beirut. When a reporter asks whether President Reagan might try to use his release to boost the chances of GOP Senate candidates, the query upsets Larry Speakes. "You're within one inch of getting your head lopped off with a question like that," he says.

11/3/86

In Lebanon, the pro-Syrian magazine Al Shiraa reports that the US has secretly been supplying arms to Iran.

11/4/86

Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, speaker of the Iranian Parliament, says that former NSC adviser Robert McFarlane and four other Americans, carrying Irish passports and posing as members of a flight crew, recently traveled to Iran on a secret diplomatic mission to trade military equipment for Iran's help in curbing terrorism. Rafsanjani says the men brought a Bible signed by President Reagan and a cake in the shape of a key, which was said to be "a key to open U.S.-Iran relations."

11/4/86

Despite President Reagan's careening around the country on behalf of Republican candidates, the Democrats pick up eight seats and reclaim the Senate, 55-45. Clearly a referendum on Reagan's second term – 12 of the 16 candidates he campaigned for lost – this effectively serves notice that America has gone as far right as it's going on this particular swing of the pendulum.

11/5/86

"Washington ain't seen nothing yet!"

--President Reagan addressing a White House post-election pep rally, unaware of the ironic, double-edged nature of this phrase about to be revealed

11/13/86

President Reagan addresses the nation about the Iran arms deal. "For 18 months now, we have had under way a secret diplomatic initiative to Iran," he says. "That initiative was undertaken for the simplest and best of reasons: To renew a relationship with the nation of Iran; to bring an honorable end to the bloody six-year war between Iran and Iraq; to eliminate state-sponsored terrorism and subversion, and to effect the safe return of all hostages ..." [Subtext: if he mentions the hostages last, people won't think their release was the prime motivation for the deal.]

"During the course of our secret discussions, I authorized the transfer of small amounts of defensive weapons and spare parts for defensive systems to Iran ... These modest deliveries, taken together, could easily fit into a single cargo plane ... We did not – repeat – did not trade weapons or anything else for hostages, nor will we." [Subtext: the arms for hostages swap wasn't really a swap because we didn't give them too much stuff, and besides, the stuff we did give them hardly counts as weapons.]

11/14/86

British Labor Party member Denis Healey calls President Reagan's speech "stupefyingly incredible." Sen. J. James Exon (D-NE) says, "He has damaged his credibility everywhere. And if the American people buy this one, God help us." Donald Regan is asked if it isn't hypocritical to ask other nations not to ship arms to Iran while we do just that. "Hypocrisy," he explains, "is a question of degree."

11/14/86

Risk arbitrager Ivan Boesky – who recently told a Berkeley commencement, "Greed is healthy. You can be greedy and still feel good about yourself" – agrees to pay $100 million in fines and repayments for insider stock trading. Since, considering his profits, this is actually a lenient penalty – even with his eventual three-year jail sentence – he shows his gratitude by secretly recording incriminating conversations with colleagues.

11/15/86

A Nicaraguan court sentences Eugene Hasenfus to 30 years in jail. The Sandinistas, having gotten considerable PR mileage out of him, magnanimously let him go home in time for Christmas.

11/15/86

"Some of us are like a shovel brigade that follow a parade down Main Street cleaning up. We took Reykjavik and turned what was really a sour situation into something that turned out pretty well. Who was it that took this disinformation thing and managed to turn it? Who was it took on this loss in the Senate and pointed out a few facts and managed to pull that? I don't say we'll be able to do it four times in a row. But here we go again, and we're trying."

--Donald Regan defending himself in The New York Times against charges of incompetence, oblivious to what someone else – Nancy Reagan, say – might think of his manure metaphor

11/16/86

George Shultz appears on Face the Nation to distance himself from the Iran arms deal. Asked directly whether he can assure the public that no more arms will be sent, the Secretary of State – the nation's chief architect of foreign policy – says, "No."

11/18/86

Los Angeles Times: 79% REJECT PRESIDENT'S EXPLANATION OF IRAN DEAL

11/18/86

Discussing President Reagan's upcoming press conference, Larry Speakes tells reporters, "We can guess 99 out of 100 times the questions that you guys pose." ABC's Sam Donaldson says, "Yeah, but you can never guess what he's gonna answer."

11/19/86

At his 39th press conference, President Reagan describes the arms shipment as "really miniscule," again claiming that "everything that we sold them could be put in one cargo plane and there would be plenty of room left over." He also states – four times – that Israel had no involvement in the Iran arms deal, but later issues a correction: "There may be some misunderstanding of one of my answers tonight. There was a third country involved in our secret project with Iran." How there could have been a "misunderstanding" of something he said four times is not explained.

11/20/86

Donald Regan places the blame for the arms deal squarely on Robert McFarlane, whom he has long despised. "Let's not forget whose idea this was," he tells his staff. "It was Bud's idea. When you give lousy advice, you get lousy results."

11/20/86

"He's got to throw some of those babies out of the sleigh."

--Former Nixon aide John Ehrlichman colorfully advising President Reagan to fire some people

11/21/86

The shredding machine in White House aide Oliver North's office jams.

11/22/86

Mike Tyson, 20, defeats Trevor Berbick in Las Vegas and becomes the youngest heavyweight champion in history. "Look at me," he says. "I'm just a boy, and I got this belt on my waist."

11/23/86

Suggesting that the First Lady might effect the necessary post-scandal personnel changes at the White House – as Michael Deaver once observed, "Many times Nancy will react to a problem by wanting to do away with the person who created it" – Sam Donaldson says, "Mrs. Reagan. There is the smiling mamba in all of this."

11/24/86

Washington Post: REAGAN REJECTED AIDES' ADVICE TO ADMIT IRAN DEAL A MISTAKE

11/25/86

A grim President Reagan appears in the White House briefing room to say he "was not fully informed on the nature of one of the activities" undertaken as an off-shoot of the Iran arms deal. He announces that National Security Adviser John Poindexter has resigned and NSC staffer Oliver North has been fired, then introduces Ed Meese to explain why.

"Certain monies which were received in the transaction between representatives of Israel and representatives of Iran were taken and made available to the forces in Central America which are opposing the Sandinista government there," says Meese. "We don't know the exact amount yet. Our estimate is that it is somewhere between $10 and $30 million ... The President knew nothing about it." As Meese talks, his large head is positioned in front of the White House logo (THE WHITE HOUSE / WASHINGTON) in such a way that the only letters that can be seen on TV spell out WHITE WASHING.

"If he knew about it," says Sen. John Glenn (D-OH), summing up the difficulty of finding an up side for Reagan here, "then he has willfully broken the law. If he didn't know about it, then he is failing to do his job. After all, we expect the President to know about the foreign policy activities being run directly out of the White House."

Later, Reagan calls North and tells him, "This is going to make a great movie one day."

11/26/86

Explaining why his total ignorance of the diversion of funds to the contras is completely justified, Donald Reagan asks, "Does the bank president know whether a teller in the bank is fiddling around with the books? No." Meanwhile, Ed Meese appears on TV to assure viewers that "the President knows what's going on."

11/27/86

Oliver North – who reportedly shredded documents while the Justice Department inquiry was underway – is refused entrance to the White House.

11/28/86

"100 percent pure urine suitable for unanticipated urine demand."

--Ad in Austin newspaper by Byrd Laboratories, which is selling drug-free urine at $49.95 a bag

DECEMBER 1986

12/1/86

President Reagan, who has complained to Time that "This whole thing boils down to a great irresponsibility on the part of the press," appears on national television with his newly appointed Tower Commission so Americans will know he's really serious about getting to the bottom of the whole affair, though not so serious that he would just call in Poindexter and North (who he calls "a national hero") and, being the most powerful man on the planet, demand that they tell him everything.

A Gallup poll shows Reagan's popularity to have suffered the largest one-month decline ever recorded, plummeting from 67% to 46%.

12/1/86

The National Archives releases 1.5 million documents from the Nixon White House, among them a memo from aide Egil Krogh describing Elvis Presley's 1970 meeting with Nixon. "Presley indicated that he had been playing Las Vegas," wrote Krogh, "and the President indicated that he was aware of how difficult it is to perform in Las Vegas." After buttering Nixon up by calling the Beatles "anti-American," the singer, stoned on speed and scratching at his face, convinced the President to get him a Federal drug agent's badge to certify his commitment to the anti-drug war – and to exempt him from inconvenient airport searches.

12/2/86

"Tonight the vault is full!"

--Geraldo Rivera hosting his second special, American Vice: The Doping of a Nation, which features a drug test of the studio audience and eight live drug busts in which doors are knocked down and suspects – innocent or guilty, what's the difference? – are hauled off to jail on national TV

12/2/86

President Reagan names Frank Carlucci as his fifth National Security Adviser.

12/3/86

Apparently believing that an affirmation of Reagan's detachment from reality will be somehow reassuring, Vice President Bush says, "The President is absolutely convinced that he did not swap arms for hostages."

12/4/86

"Ha. Ha. Ha."

--New Republic editor Michael Kinsley expressing his "glee" at the President's recent misfortune, prompting pompous columnist David Broder to attack those "juveniles" who are gauche enough to gloat. Says columnist Alexander Cockburn, "The sky is black with chickens coming home to roost."

12/4/86

"If I could write my epitaph, it would read, 'He told the truth. Always.'"

--Larry Speakes – who is leaving the White House at the end of January to take a high-paying job with Merrill Lynch – on how he wants to be remembered

12/5/86

Washington Post: MEESE BROUGHT IN FBI FOUR DAYS AFTER KEY DOCUMENT WAS FOUND

12/6/86

According to The Washington Post, Nancy Reagan's nagging about the need to fire Donald Regan became so intense that the President finally told her to "Get off my goddamn back!"

Regarding the arms-for-hostages fiasco, President Reagan finally concedes that "mistakes were made," though he does not suggest who made them and implies that it certainly wasn't him.

12/7/86

President Reagan is reported to have had three "long, rambling conversations" over the past 10 days with that noted expert on White House scandal containment Richard M. Nixon.

12/8/86

"If Colonel North ripped off the Ayatollah and took $30 million and gave it to the contras, then God bless Colonel North!"

--White House communications director Pat Buchanan addressing a pro-Reagan rally in Miami

12/9/86

Oliver North and John Poindexter invoke their Fifth Amendment rights and refuse to testify before the House Foreign Affairs Committee. Says North earnestly, "I don't think there is another person in America that wants to tell this story as much as I do."

Reporters ask President Reagan if he's watching the hearings. "Oh, now and then when I can't find a ball game," he quips, leaving them to wonder what kind of ball game he expects to find early on a weekday morning in mid-December.

12/9/86

Richard M. Nixon tells President Reagan's critics, "It is time to get off his back." Says New Hampshire governor John Sununu of Nixon's speech, "I wish someone had videotaped that so it could be shown at every high school in the country."

12/10/86

"There seems to be an inordinate amount of information he was not aware of. He would say 'I don't know.' It evoked laughter a number of times."

--Unnamed congressman describing William Casey's testimony before the House Foreign Affairs Committee, which precedes by eight days his operation for the removal of a malignant brain tumor

12/11/86

The Reagans are reportedly "stunned" by his allies' refusal to defend him on the Iran-contra matter. Explains Rep. Robert Dornan (R-CA), normally one of the President's most rabid supporters, "When someone says, 'But he was giving arms to people he knew had killed our Marines,' it's hard to respond to that."

12/12/86

"There might be something – though not much – to be said for a President who at political risk wrongheadedly ordered an action that he was convinced served the national interest. But there's nothing to be said for a President so inattentive to duty that middle-rank Navy and Marine officers on his staff were able to embark unimpeded on a course almost certain to undermine the foreign policy of the United States in some of its most important concerns ... Presidents are elected to watch such matters, not to nap after lunch."

--Columnist Tom Wicker

12/15/86

A Los Angeles Times poll shows that 78% of Americans perceive a cover-up by the White House, while only 33% believe President Reagan to be "very familiar" with complex issues.

12/16/86

Daniel Inouye (D-HI) and Warren Rudman (R-NH) are chosen to head the 11-member Senate committee investigating the Iran- contra scandal. The House, determined to create a panel even more unwieldy, appoints Lee Hamilton (D-IN) to chair a 15-member group.

12/16/86

President Reagan meets with Republican congressional leaders to get their input on his upcoming State of the Union message. Urged by one to support a Federal health insurance plan for catastrophic illnesses, the President responds by complaining about a welfare family being put up at a ritzy New York hotel.

12/17/86

Nancy Reagan denies that the President told her to "get off my goddamn back." Says the First Lady, "They happened to pick the one word that Ronnie never ever uses, ever." This rings untrue to anyone familiar with outtakes from Reagan's movies, in which "goddamn" turns up with numbing regularity.

12/18/86

"There have been a number of people who have suggested that I abandon my individual rights under the Constitution of the United States. The President has not asked that I do that. I don't believe the President really wants me to abandon my individual rights under the Constitution. People have died face down in the mud all over the world defending those individual rights."

--Oliver North, annoyed by Nancy Reagan's incessant demands that he "talk"

12/19/86

Lawrence E. Walsh is named independent counsel for the Iran-contra scandal.

12/20/86

A dozen white youths, wielding baseball bats and other weapons, attack three black men in the Howard Beach section of Queens, NY, chasing one of them onto a nearby highway where he is killed by a passing car, after which the beating of the others is resumed.

12/20/86

New York Newsday: MEESE NOW SAYS REAGAN, UNDER SEDATION AFTER SURGERY, MAY HAVE OK'D 1ST ARMS DEAL

12/21/86

Sen. Paul Laxalt (R-NV) announces that President Reagan "is going to be in high visibility" in coming days "to demonstrate to the country that he's fully in charge." Says a White House aide of Laxalt's statement, "When we heard it, we all cracked up."

12/22/86

"We should brush this under the carpet real quick for the good of the country."

--Palm Springs mayor Frank Bogert suggesting the proper method of dealing with the scandal

12/23/86

"The President ordered this whole operation on Iran. He ordered his Administration not to tell the intelligence committees what he was doing. Now he wants the intelligence committee to tell him what his Administration was doing during the time they were under his orders not to tell the intelligence committee. Even Alice in Wonderland doesn't get this twisted around."

--Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) on President Reagan's eagerness to receive the Senate Intelligence Committee's report on the arms deal

12/24/86

"When one talks about what Reagan 'knew,' one could be dealing in metaphysics."

--Elizabeth Drew in The New Yorker

12/28/86

"You can draw your own conclusion."

--Charles Wick to a reporter's query whether Nancy Reagan is upset about the Iran-contra scandal

12/28/86

Terry Dolan, 36, homophobic co-founder of the National Conservative Political Action Committee (NCPAC), dies of AIDS.

12/31/86

The Wall Street Journal reports that when Oliver North, as a Naval Academy midshipman, suffered serious knee and back injuries in a 1964 car crash, he recuperated with a regimen of strengthening his body by repeatedly jumping off the roof of the family garage.

12/31/86

Gary Hart attends rock star Don Henley's New Year's party in Aspen, where he meets would-be Miami model Donna Rice.

JANUARY 1987

1/4/87

Rev. Oral Roberts tells viewers "God will call me home" if they don't help him raise $4.5 million in three months. "I need some very quick money," says the preacher. "I mean, I need it now." He gets his money and does not die.

1/4/87

President Reagan enters Bethesda Naval Hospital for minor prostate surgery and the removal of four more polyps from his colon. Larry Speakes – who described the President as "champing at the bit" to go home during his last hospital stay – reveals that Reagan is now "chomping at the bit."

1/8/87

Former NASA Administrator James Beggs reveals that Michael Deaver became extremely upset when he learned that his client, Coke, would be sharing "First Cola on a Space Shuttle" honors with Pepsi.

1/8/87

NBC reports that John Poindexter told Donald Regan he'd condoned the diversion of funds because he "felt sorry for the contras."

1/9/87

The White House releases the finding – signed by President Reagan on January 17, 1986 – authorizing the sale of arms to Iran and ordering the CIA not to tell Congress. Also released is the 2 ½-page memo justifying the policy, which the President had not bothered to read.

1/10/87

"If the big spenders want a fight on the budget, they'd better strap on their helmets and shoulder pads. In this fourth and final quarter, I'm determined to go out there and win one for the American people and, yes – and one for the Gipper."

--President Reagan, recovering from surgery and assuring radio listeners that it won't be long before he's "suited up and back on the playing field"

1/12/87

Agent Scott Meredith announces that Zebra Books will publish Michael Reagan's childhood memoir On the Outside Looking In. Says Meredith, "You can tell from the title that he isn't happy with the relationship."

1/13/87

Rachel Abrams says she "would like to take a machine gun and mow [columnist] Anthony Lewis down" for attacking her husband Elliott's McCarthyite tactics as Assistant Secretary of State. Says the perpetually scowling Elliott, "I wouldn't waste the bullets. I would rather have them go to the contras."

1/13/87

"It wasn't a sustaining issue. It was the epitome of the fad issue, a classic really. It came and went in three weeks, max."

--GOP consultant Lee Atwater on the Reagans' anti-drug campaign

1/14/87

Larry Speakes scoffs at a New York Times account of President Reagan's recent stronger-than-usual detachment from reality, urging reporters to "bug off." And what about the Senate report that Reagan thought would exonerate him but that in fact reveals the howling depths of his ignorance? "Phooey," says Speakes. "P-H-O-O-E-Y."

1/16/87

One anonymous White House source says, "The President has absolutely convinced himself that what happened has absolutely nothing to do with hostages ... No one is going to talk him out of it, and it's not clear that anyone is even going to try." Says another source, "The President has crawled into his shell."

1/19/87

Time reports that a White House aide defended President Reagan's work habits by revealing that he sent a secretary a hand-written thank-you note for a get-well poem. "It shows he's up there doing things," said the aide. "It shows that he's extremely responsive and willing to get down into the details."

1/20/87

Vice President Bush says President Reagan "is certain to this very day that he did not authorize arms-for-hostages."

1/20/87

Robert McFarlane goes on Nightline to separate himself from the decision to bring the Iranians a cake. "Simply put, there was a cake on the mission," he says. "I didn't buy it, bake it, cook it, eat it, present it or otherwise get involved with it ... The cake was the product of a spontaneous idea of Col. North ... I didn't get involved with it."

1/22/87

On the day before he is to be sentenced on a bribery conviction, Pennsylvania state treasurer R. Budd Dwyer calls a press conference where he pulls out a .357 Magnum, inserts it in his mouth and blows the back of his head off. The entire extremely bloody sequence is broadcast on two local stations.

1/24/87

A spokesman for Liberace denies a report that the pianist has AIDS.

1/25/87

Four university professors are kidnapped in Beirut, bringing to 14 the number of Americans taken hostage under President Reagan, who once promised "swift and effective retribution" for such incidents. In fact, though the media has seen no need to make a big thing of it, several hostages have languished in captivity far longer than did any under President Carter.

1/26/87

The Tower Commission interviews President Reagan about the Iran-contra scandal. Though he is said by a source to lack a "highly detailed recollection," he acknowledges having authorized the arms sale to Iran in August 1985. This corroborates Robert McFarlane's testimony and directly contradicts Donald Regan's.

1/27/87

Delivering his State of the Union address, President Reagan finds himself being openly mocked by Democrats who – emboldened at last by his plunge in the polls – applaud sarcastically at inappropriate times during his speech.

1/28/87

"On the surface, selling arms to a country that sponsors terrorism, of course, clearly, you'd have to argue it's wrong, but it's the exception sometimes that proves the rule."

--Vice President Bush on Good Morning America

1/30/87

Larry Speakes says that President Reagan was "pleased" by a Senate Intelligence Committee report that he knew nothing about the diversion of funds to the contras – the only example on record of a President reveling in his ignorance of his own foreign policy initiatives. And did Reagan actually read that report? Of course not.

1/30/87

Desperate to demonstrate that he is in charge, President Reagan vetoes – of all things – a clean water bill. "I just said no," catch-phrases the President emphatically, putting on his stern face. The veto is overridden.

1/30/87

In his last speech as press secretary, Larry Speakes – without a scintilla of irony – tells the National Press Club it's time to "decide policy on the basis of what's good for the people, not what's good for television ... Let's not write a TV script and then create an event designed for the evening news."

FEBRUARY 1987

2/2/87

Incapacitated CIA director William Casey resigns. He is replaced by FBI chief William Webster.

2/2/87

James C. McKay is named independent counsel to investigate allegations of illegal lobbying on behalf of the Wedtech Corporation, a minority-owned Bronx defense contractor, by former White House aide Lyn Nofziger.

2/4/87

Liberace, 67, dies in Palm Springs. Denials aside, he had AIDS.

2/4/87

"If that student wants to say the world is flat, the teacher doesn't have the right to try to prove otherwise."

--Jim Cooper – lobbyist for Arizona governor Evan Mecham – telling Congress that "schools don't have any business telling people what to believe"

2/6/87

Walking into a roomful of his aides who've been assembled for a surprise 76th birthday party, President Reagan seems startled until his wife whispers to him, "It's your staff." Says the President inaccurately, "Of all the 38 anniversaries of my 39th birthday, this is about the nicest."

2/6/87

Failing to "anticipate the perception of it," Lloyd Bentsen (D-TX), new head of the Senate Finance Committee, offers lobbyists the pleasure of his company at a monthly breakfast in exchange for a $10,000 contribution to his re-election campaign. Public outcry forces his quick abandonment of the plan.

2/7/87

An aide to George Bush acknowledges that the Vice President was told last summer by Israeli official Amiram Nir that "we are dealing with the most radical elements" in Iran – and not moderates at all – because "we've learned they can deliver and the moderates can't."

2/9/87

New White House spokesman Marlin Fitzwater explains that the difference between "moderates" and "radicals" is a "semantic" one that would be difficult to sort out. So, will the Administration stop referring to its Iranian contacts as "moderates?" Says Fitzwater, "We'll probably use it and probably, maybe, not use it."

2/9/87

"Even though there may be some misguided critics of what we're trying to do, I think we're on the wrong path."

--President Reagan, confusedly launching his welfare reform program

2/9/87

Greeting the America's Cup winners at the White House, President Reagan puts on a Crocodile Dundee hat and misquotes that movie's catch phrase. "I just know," he says, "that whenever I put that on I'm going to find myself turning to Nancy and saying, 'G'bye, mate.'"

2/9/87

On the eve of his testimony before the Tower Commission, Robert McFarlane takes upwards of 20 Valiums in a failed suicide attempt.

2/11/87

President Reagan tells the Tower Commission that after discussing it with Don Regan, he now remembers that he did not authorize the arms sale in advance. Commission members are disheartened when, while reciting his recollection from a staff-supplied memo, he mistakenly reads his stage instructions aloud.

2/12/87

"I think the key players around there know I expressed certain reservations on certain aspects."

--Vice President Bush defending his Iran-contra inaction

2/12/87

President Reagan tells a group of junior high students about how Rex barks in front of Lincoln's bedroom and won't go in, which makes the President think Lincoln's ghost is there. "Well," he says, "I guess that's enough of a history lesson here for today."

2/18/87

Sources reveal that Nancy Reagan is no longer speaking to Donald Regan. Asked if his chief of staff will be staying on, the President says, "Well, this is up to him" – as close to firing someone as he ever gets. "When I don't leave," Regan tells an aide, "they'll know I'm not leaving."

2/19/87

It is reported that Nancy Reagan leaked the story about her feud with Donald Regan in an effort to force him out after he had the gall to hang up on her mid-harangue. Her phone manners turn out to be no better, as it is learned that, in another conversation, it was she – furious at Regan for trying to subject her convalescing husband to reporters' questions – who shouted, "Have your damned news conference!" and hung up on him.

2/19/87

Washington Post: U.S. ISSUES RULES FOR DRUG TESTING / STEPS TO BAR CHEATING ALLOW URINATION TO BE OBSERVED IN SOME SITUATIONS

2/19/87

Retrieved computer messages show that Oliver North shared secret information with the Iranians. Says a source, "Ollie was running his own covert operation within the authorized covert operation."

2/20/87

"The simple truth is, 'I don't remember – period.'"

-- President Reagan – who, as a candidate, said he would resign at the slightest sign of senility – writing to the Tower Commission to set the record straight about whether he authorized the arms shipment in advance

2/22/87

"Nothing in his deplorable conduct of his office has been as contemptible as his clinging to it."

--George Will, frequent lunch partner of the First Lady, predicting the imminent departure of Donald Regan

2/22/87

Artist/voyeur Andy Warhol, 58, dies of a heart attack following gall bladder surgery.

2/22/87

Oliver North's secretary, Fawn Hall – who has been granted immunity – admits helping her boss destroy documents last November.

2/24/87

"I'd like to ask one question of everybody. Everybody that can remember what they were doing on August 8th of 1985, raise your hand. I think it's possible to forget. Nobody's raised any hands."

--President Reagan, who would doubtless have gotten a different response from reporters had he asked, more pertinently, "Everybody that would remember approving the sale of arms to an enemy nation, raise your hand"

2/26/87

Pledging to "carefully study" it over the next several days, the President accepts his copy of the Tower Commission Report, which:

*Blames Regan for "the chaos that descended upon the White House"

*Says Shultz and Weinberger "simply distanced themselves from the program"

*Concludes that Casey "appears to have been informed in considerable detail"

*Euphemistically attacks Reagan's ignorance and sloth by faulting his "personal management style."

A paperback edition is an instant best seller.

2/27/87

Donald Regan storms out of the White House after hearing on CNN that Howard Baker is replacing him. Nancy Reagan, believed to have leaked the story to humiliate Regan, says she is "pleased" with the change, which takes Baker out of the 1988 presidential race and allows him – as many observers note – to be President now.

2/28/87

"When a national security adviser to the President attempts to commit suicide, when a secretary to a top presidential aide says she shredded and altered important White House documents, when the President says he can't remember if he authorized shipping arms to Iran and then changes his story, all of this becomes very disturbing to people."

--Democratic pollster Peter D. Hart

2/28/87

New York Times: REAGAN'S IGNORANCE SHOCKED TOWER COMMISSION

MARCH 1987

3/1/87

"We do not regard him as a mental patient. But we regard him as a President who didn't do his job."

--Tower Commission member Edmund Muskie on the Reagan "management style"

3/1/87

"The record is that he was either absent or silent. I don't know what that does for him."

--Sen. Bob Dole (R-KS) attacking presidential rival George Bush's ineffectiveness in the Iran-contra scandal

3/1/87

"Two things keep dynamic, complex societies like ours together: the strength of the leader's word and the reasonable rule of law. Here our leaders have forfeited credibility and flouted the rule of law. No matter what else you say, it's sad and dangerous."

--Mario Cuomo on the Tower Commission Report

3/2/87

A New York Times/CBS News poll shows that less than a quarter of the public thinks the President is running his own government. Howard Baker rejects this perception. "I have never seen Ronald Reagan more energetic, more fully engaged and more in command of difficult circumstances and questions," he burbles. "He has never been better."

3/2/87

Columnist William Safire writes of Nancy Reagan's ouster of Donald Regan, "At a time he most needs to appear strong, President Reagan is being weakened and made to appear wimpish and helpless by the political interference of his wife."

At a speech to the American Camping Association, the First Lady says, "I don't think most people associate me with leeches or how to get them off. But I know how to get them off. I'm an expert at it."

3/4/87

President Reagan responds to the Tower Commission with a 12-minute speech in which he:

*Acknowledges that the Iran-contra affair "happened on my watch" (though no one has suggested otherwise)

*Says nobler aims of long-term peace "deteriorated ... into trading arms for hostages"

*Calls the deal "a mistake" (though one that resulted from his excessive concern for the hostages).

As for his "management style," the problem was that "no one kept proper records of meetings or decisions," which led to his inability to recall approving the arms shipment. "I did approve it," says the President. "I just can't say specifically when." Lest anyone remain unnerved, he adds, "Rest assured, there's plenty of record-keeping now going on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."

Says Indiana senator Dan Quayle after the speech, "The Gipper's back."

3/5/87

The Oliver North media stakeout – which has daily recorded the self-righteous Marine as, seat belt fastened, he drives off to work – asks his reaction to the Reagan speech. "If you came all the way out to Great Falls to find somebody to play President-bashing with," he says, "you came to the wrong driveway."

3/6/87

Lobbyist Michael Deaver's last foreign client, the Saudi government, declines to renew its $500,000 contract. Lawyer Randall Turk says his client "wasn't able to perform a whole lot of services ... Anybody who Deaver talked to got interviewed by the FBI."

3/6/87

Vice President Bush says he's "catching the dickens" from friends for not preventing the Iran arms deal.

3/6/87

"The business that I used to be in said, 'Save something for the third act.' And we will."

--President Reagan boarding a helicopter for a weekend at Camp David

3/6/87

TV evangelist Jim Bakker's wife Tammy Faye announces that she is currently undergoing treatment for her 17-year prescription drug addiction at the Betty Ford Center. She claims she didn't know she had a problem until she saw people and cats on the wing of an airplane.

3/10/87

Asked about the Iran-contra scandal at a photo opportunity, President Reagan feigns laryngitis. "I lost my voice," he says, grinning. "I can't talk."

3/11/87

Asked again about Iran-contra, President Reagan again feigns laryngitis. "I've lost my voice," he says. Explains Marlin Fitzwater, "This is a new tactic of his."

3/14/87

Sources reveal that, despite his recent speech, President Reagan still sees nothing wrong with the Iran arms deal. Says a GOP strategist, "I bet that if you get him aside and put a beer into him, he'd say he didn't make a mistake."

3/15/87

Interviewing Vice President Bush on 60 Minutes, Diane Sawyer raises the issue of what reporter Michael Kramer has called "the wimp factor." Kramer, says Bush, will "never play linebacker for the Chicago Bears. You ever seen him?" Sawyer brings up George Will's "lapdog" quote. Will, says Bush, will "never play linebacker for the Chicago Bears. Have you ever seen him?" As proof of his own non-wimpdom, he cites having been "shot down two months after my 20th birthday, fighting for my country? I didn't detect any wimp factor there."

3/17/87

Calling it "a risk that has to be assumed," Marlin Fitzwater announces that President Reagan will hold a press conference in two days. Says Reagan, "I'm looking forward to it."

3/18/87

Michael Deaver is indicted on five counts of perjury. He is the seventh senior Administration official to be indicted, and the first under the provisions of the 1978 Ethics in Government Act.

3/18/87

Sen. Alan Simpson (R-WY) lashes out at the press after an audacious reporter disturbs a photo opportunity by asking President Reagan a question. "You're not asking him things so you can get answers," he says. "You're asking him things because you know he's off-balance and you'd like to stick it in his gazoo." The Los Angeles Times erroneously reports the word as "bazoo."

3/19/87

At his first press conference in four months, President Reagan – who yesterday couldn't wait for his rehearsal to end so he could tell a dirty joke about a chimpanzee and a bus crash – assures the public that he won't be forgetting any more important things because "we now have quite a system installed of people taking notes, you know, at all our meetings and all our doings." As for his shattered credibility, he declares that he's "not going to tell falsehoods to the American people. I'll leave that to others."

And what else did he say? "... I don't know ... I don't know whether we would have gotten more out ... I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if he was ... I did not know at that time that there was any money involved. I only knew that ... All we'd learned ... Helen, I don't know. I only know that ... All that I know ... Sam, all I know is that ... I can't remember just when ... There are other people that don't remember either ... I did not know that I had said it in such a way ... I didn't realize that I had said that ... We didn't know ... I didn't know how far we could go ... I still do not have the answer ... It was a complete surprise to me ... We're still waiting for that to be explained ... I don't know ... I don't know ..."

3/19/87

The Charlotte Observer reports that TV evangelist Jim Bakker paid $115,000 to hush up a 1980 sexual encounter with then-21-year-old church secretary Jessica Hahn. Bakker admits the charge, claiming that he was set up by former colleagues, and resigns for what he expects will be a brief period of penitence. The multi-million dollar PTL ("People That Love" / "Praise The Lord") empire, which includes South Carolina's Heritage USA theme park, is taken over at his request by Rev. Jerry Falwell, whose fundamentalist contempt for the charismatic Pentecostalism of the PTL was summed up in his observation that people who speak in tongues "ate too much pizza last night."

3/24/87

Alexander Haig throws his "helmet into the ring" and announces his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Though his total lack of a constituency gives him no chance of winning, he seems delighted simply to have a forum from which to skewer his bete noire, George Bush.

3/24/87

"I've always been sort of partial to a big finish. You should have a good third-act curtain."

--President Reagan addressing a group of business executives

3/24/87

Rival TV preacher Jimmy Swaggart admits initiating the investigation of Jim Bakker's sexual misconduct.

3/27/87

Jessica Hahn says her sexual encounter with Jim Bakker, which she blames on drugged wine, made her feel "like a piece of hamburger somebody threw out in the street." Bakker responds that she was the aggressor, and that, despite her claims of innocence, she knew "all the tricks of the trade."

3/27/87

"Nice to see you, Mr. Ambassador."

--President Reagan greeting British Labor Party leader Denis Healey, while the actual ambassador – who he has met – stands nearby

3/30/87

"My friends, we're not about to fall on the ball and wait for the clock to run out. Instead, we're going to have the greatest fourth quarter in presidential history."

--President Reagan delivering a pep talk to staffers

APRIL 1987

4/1/87

A White House official admits that President Reagan has never discussed AIDS with Surgeon General C. Everett Koop and has yet to read Koop's six-month-old report, which predicted 180,000 deaths from the disease by 1991.

4/6/87

"He also told me Tammy was very big and that he couldn't be satisfied by her. Those were his words exactly."

--Jessica Hahn in a 1985 statement describing how, as a virgin, she was raped by Jim Bakker, and then by their mutual friend, Rev. John Fletcher

4/6/87

Convicted Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy begins a week-long stint as celebrity guest on Super Password.

4/6/87

Dodger vice president Al Campanis appears on Nightline to discuss the progress of blacks in baseball 40 years after Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. Asked why there are no black managers in the major leagues, Campanis suggests that they may not be smart enough. "How many quarterbacks do you have?" he asks, "how many pitchers do you have, that are black?" Though he apologizes, he is fired after 43 years with the team.

4/6/87

Former Gary Hart adviser John McEvoy tells Newsweek that the candidate runs the risk of having the sex issue raised "if he can't keep his pants on."

4/7/87

Wall Street Journal: ATTORNEY GENERAL MEESE FACES RISING CRITICISM OVER HIS LEGAL ADVICE IN IRAN-CONTRA SCANDAL

4/8/87

Ed Meese – whose close ties to the principals in the growing Wedtech scandal have become increasingly public – finally removes himself from the investigation.

4/9/87

President Reagan tells reporters the Soviet bugging of the US embassy in Moscow was "outrageous." But, wasn't the US bugging of the Soviet embassy in Washington equally outrageous? The President says further discussion "wouldn't be useful."

4/13/87

John W. Hinckley Jr. loses his bid for a 12-hour Easter pass after a search of his room turns up 20 photos of Jodie Foster and a psychiatrist reveals that he's established a pen-pal relationship with Florida Death Row inmate Ted Bundy.

4/13/87

Gary Hart travels to a Colorado park where, standing alone on a big rock, he calls for a "higher standard of public ethics" as he announces for the presidency. "As a candidate," he promises, "I can almost guarantee that I'm going to make some mistakes."

4/15/87

To the delight of Book of Revelations fans, Washington Post reporter Lloyd Grove reveals that the address of the post-presidency home the Reagans' friends have bought for them in Bel Air is 666 St. Cloud. Though Nancy has the address changed to the less satanic 668, city documents continue to list it as 666.

4/22/87

Joe Hunt, leader of the Billionaire Boys Club – a group of well-connected young men who want to make big bucks fast and aren't too choosy about how – is convicted of first-degree murder in a bizarre revenge killing resulting from a bad business deal. Hunt suffers the further misfortune of being portrayed in the inevitable TV movie by the insufferable Judd Nelson.

4/23/87

Donald Regan gets a $1 million advance from Harcourt Brace Jovanovich for his White House memoir, which his agent says will be "very sexy."

4/24/87

Jim Bakker's rehabilitation suffers a setback when rival TV preacher John Ankerberg accuses him of engaging in sex with prostitutes and homosexuals, condoning wife-swapping among his employees, and misappropriating millions of dollars in ministry funds.

4/25/87

Gary Hart is asked if rumors of womanizing will hurt him in the Bible Belt. "Not at all," he says, "because they're not true."

4/27/87

"He implied that I made some kind of deal with him, which I did not, to give it back to him."

--Jerry Falwell countering Jim Bakker's claim that his surrender of PTL was intended to be temporary

4/29/87

It is reported that Michael Deaver may cite his previously unrevealed "serious alcohol problem" as an excuse in his perjury trial.

4/29/87

Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis declares his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, mentioning five times in his 13-minute speech that he is the son of immigrants. "DUKAKIS FOR WHAT?" bumper stickers begin appearing on Boston cars.

4/30/87

Penthouse reveals that, according to his book outline, Michael Reagan was repeatedly molested as a child by an older man he sought out as a father figure after being ignored by his own adoptive parents – so ignored, he writes, that until he was 10 he believed the family's black cook was his mother.

MAY 1987

5/1/87

With his wife weeping at his side, Jim Bakker emerges from his Palm Springs estate to deny charges of sexual indiscretions. "I have never been involved with wife-swapping," he says.

"Never!" says Tammy.

"I am not a homosexual," he says.

"Right!" says Tammy.

"And I've never been to a prostitute."

As for their future, Tammy says, "We have to get a job," adding that she'd "love to work in a doctor's office."

5/3/87

In a New York Times Magazine profile, Gary Hart dismisses the womanizing issue. "Follow me around. I don't care," he says defiantly. "I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." Meanwhile, The Miami Herald – which staked out his Washington townhouse after receiving an anonymous tip – was anything but bored to find that the candidate spent "Friday night and most of Saturday" with a young blonde from Miami. A jittery Hart told reporters on the scene that he had "no personal relationship" with the woman.

5/4/87

With the Hart story on front pages around the world – except for The New York Times, which plays it on page 16, under the snooze-inducing headline, "Paper and Hart in Dispute Over Article" – actress/model Donna Rice, 29, is identified as the mystery woman. Rice – who says the candidate frequently called her from the campaign trail to complain about his image as a "womanizer" – claims to have stayed with her friend Lynn Armandt at the home of Hart's pal Bill Broadhurst, denies having slept with Hart, and explains that when reporters saw her at his house, she was merely stopping by to pick up a book. Oh, and the four of them recently took an overnight cruise to Bimini.

5/4/87

"This morning I had planned to clear up US-Soviet differences on intermediate-range nuclear missiles ... but I decided to clean out Ronnie's sock drawer instead."

--Nancy Reagan attempting to defuse her power-behind-the-throne image

5/5/87

Appearing before a convention of newspaper publishers, Gary Hart accuses The Miami Herald of running a "misleading and false" story about his relationship with Donna Rice, whom he refers to as "the woman in question." Though he acknowledges putting himself in "circumstances that could be misconstrued," he "absolutely" denies doing "anything immoral." As for that trip to Bimini – aboard a chartered yacht called the Monkey Business – well, they hadn't meant to stay overnight but Customs closed, and anyway the men and women slept on separate boats.

5/5/87

The Iran-contra hearings get underway in Washington, with the Brobdingnagian 26-man panel unleashing hours of self-serving introductory speeches. The first witness, arms profiteer Gen. Richard Secord, claims the administration approved his pro-contra activities with Oliver North who, he reveals, stood at attention while talking to the President on the phone. Says Reagan of the hearings, "I hope I'm finally going to hear some of the things I'm still waiting to learn."

5/6/87

Less than 24 hours after Richard Secord implicates him in the Iran-contra scandal, William Casey, 74, dies of pneumonia. His funeral is notable for the anti-contra eulogy given – in the presence of the Reagans – by Bishop John McGann, who, it is said, "came to bury, not praise" Casey.

5/6/87

After three days of silence, Lee Hart joins her husband in New Hampshire. Though she claims to believe him, she does observe, "If I could have been planning his weekend schedule, I think I would have scheduled it differently." Asked directly if he has "ever committed adultery" – the first time this query has been posed to a candidate – Hart says, "I do not have to answer that question."

5/7/87

Amid reports that The Washington Post is about to break the story of another extra-marital affair, Gary Hart suspends his campaign and heads home to Troublesome Gulch, Colorado. Hours later, CBS airs recent footage of the candidate relaxing on the Monkey Business with a contestant (not Donna Rice) in a "Miss Hot Bod" beauty pageant.

5/8/87

Shifting the blame for his downfall from his own rampant libido to those who reported on it, an "angry and defiant" Gary Hart ends his candidacy with a bitter diatribe against the press that offers no apology to his betrayed supporters. So ill-considered is this attack – eerily reminiscent of Richard M. Nixon's famous "Last Press Conference" of 1962 – that it earns him a congratulatory letter from the former President, who tells Hart he "handled a very difficult situation uncommonly well."

5/11/87

Ed Meese – examined in 1984 by Jacob Stein and currently a target of Lawrence Walsh's Iran-contra probe – comes under the bailiwick of Wedtech independent counsel James Mc-Kay, making him the first man to be investigated by three special prosecutors. Says President Reagan of his embattled aide, "I have always known him to be a man of honesty and integrity."

5/11/87

Senate counsel Arthur Liman questions Robert McFarlane about Oliver North's destruction of documents as the scandal unraveled. "What did he tell you about a 'shredding party'?" Liman asks.

"Well," says McFarlane, "just that there had to be one."

5/12/87

Investigators discover that the $10 million solicited for the contras by Elliott Abrams from the Sultan of Brunei – which had been missing for nine months – was mistakenly deposited to the account of a Swiss businessman after Oliver North transposed two digits in his arms network's secret account.

5/14/87

Robert McFarlane is asked why he failed to protest foolhardy administration policy. "If I'd done that," he explains, "Bill Casey, Jeane Kirkpatrick and Cap Weinberger would have said I was some kind of Commie."

5/15/87

President Reagan says he was "very definitely involved in the decisions about support to the freedom fighters. It was my idea to begin with." Asked about the conflict between this statement and previous claims of abject ignorance, Marlin Fitzwater says, "They're going to stay in conflict."

5/15/87

Sen. Howell Heflin (D-AL) claims that Fawn Hall smuggled papers out of the White House in her underwear. "She had stuffed documents in her brassiere," he says. "I think that's been in the papers, hasn't it? ... I thought I'd seen this. Hasn't this been in the papers or something?" Now it has.

5/16/87

New York Post: PANTYSCAM FUROR! / ANGRY FAWN: 'I NEVER SMUGGLED SECRETS IN MY UNDIES FOR OLLIE'

5/17/87

37 sailors are killed aboard the USS Stark when the ship – in the Persian Gulf to protect Iraq's ally Kuwait's oil tankers from Iranian attack – is hit by an Exocet missile idiotically fired by an Iraqi fighter jet. President Reagan later refers to the Stark as "the plane."

5/17/87

Jim Bakker asks Jerry Falwell if he can have his ministry back. Falwell says no, Bakker has done some very bad things and he can't come back. Observes Jimmy Swaggart, who now fears Falwell and is publicly lobbying for the Bakkers' return, "If I tell you I'm going to keep your truck for five days and then I'm going to give it back to you, and then someone finds out you're a homosexual, I still owe you your truck."

5/19/87

Oliver North's courier, Rob Owen – code name "TC" (The Courier) – tells the Iran-contra committee about traveling to a Chinese market in New York and meeting a man who rolled up his pant leg and handed over a wad of 95 $100 bills after Owen uttered the code phrase, "Mooey sent me." He concludes his testimony with an ode to North, who he loves "like a brother."

5/20/87

Contra leader Adolfo Calero tells the committee he had "developed an affection" for William Casey and "used to refer to him as 'Uncle Bill.'"

5/22/87

"There were birthday bonuses, Christmas bonuses, Valentine's Day bonuses, Saturday morning bonuses ... Usually you get bonuses for success, but at the time they took the bonuses, this ministry was going down $1 million to $4 million per month."

--Jerry Nims, new CEO of PTL, revealing that the Bakkers received an extra $1.9 million in the past year

5/23/87

With $12 million in PTL funds unaccounted for, auctioneers begin selling off various Bakker possessions, among them an air-conditioned doghouse.

5/25/87

The National Enquirer publishes photographs – reportedly obtained for a sizable fee from her "friend" Lynn Armandt – of Donna Rice cavorting with Gary Hart in the Bahamas.

5/25/87

"Which office do I go to to get my reputation back?"

--Raymond Donovan on being acquitted of charges brought against him 32 months earlier, though his reputation had its unsavory side even before his indictment

5/27/87

CIA operative Felix Rodriguez (alias Max Gomez) testifies that Oliver North once said of a Congressional investigating committee, "These people want me, but they cannot touch me because the old man loves my ass." Though the precise nature of President Reagan's fondness for the North posterior is unclear, The New York Times protects its readers from the rawness of the quote. "Colonel North pointed to the Congressional debate on television," reports the Times, "and remarked that 'those people want me, but they can't touch me' because he was in favor with 'the old man.'"

5/27/87

Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker appear on Nightline. "I've been married to this man for 26 years, and I can tell you one thing," Tammy Faye says to host Ted Koppel. "He's not homosexual, or is he bisexual. He's a wonderful, loving husband."

As the show ends, she says, "Ted, can I say something? I just want to say, remember, God loves you. He really, really does."

"I want to say that, too," Jim adds. "God loves you, He really does." Adds Tammy Faye, "He really, really does."

5/29/87

Interior Secretary Donald Hodel is reported to be backing away from strict controls on fluorocarbons to protect the ozone layer. The new plan calls for a PR campaign to encourage people to protect themselves by wearing sunglasses, hats and sun-screen lotion. How the planet's lotionless creatures are to avoid skin cancer is not addressed.

5/29/87

The National Archives releases more Nixon documents, including a list of songs he wanted played at his state funeral if he died in office (culminating in "California Here I Come"), and a list of "goals for '71-'72." Among them: "1. End War," "8. Hard Work" and, last on the list, "11. Family."

5/29/87

The London Hospital Medical College rejects a $500,000 offer by Michael Jackson to buy the remains of John Merrick, the Elephant Man. The increasingly bizarre Jackson doubles his bid, but the bones, it turns out, are simply not for sale.

JUNE 1987

6/1/87

Washington police don large yellow rubber gloves to arrest 64 demonstrators protesting Reagan AIDS policies, while at an international AIDS conference, Vice President Bush is booed by several scientists when he endorses increased AIDS testing. "Who was that?" he asks, thinking his mike is off. "Some gay group out there?"

6/2/87

Hatchet-faced Assistant Secretary of State Elliott Abrams acknowledges to the Iran-contra committee that it was "a mistake" for him to have misled Congress in earlier testimony. He explains that he answered "No" when asked if he'd discussed contra fund-raising because he had been involved in fund-raising for the contras, not by them. Rep. Jack Brooks (D-TX) observes that Abrams is a "lying son of a bitch."

6/3/87

Rep. Jack Brooks tells Elliott Abrams he takes "more pride in not knowing anything than anybody I ever saw." Replies Abrams, "I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about."

6/8/87

In Venice for the economic summit, President Reagan is asked why he's using a side entrance rather than the front entrance used by other world leaders. "I just wait until somebody points me in the direction I'm supposed to go," says the President, "and I don't ask any questions about it."

6/8/87

Lynn Armandt makes some more money off Donna Rice, telling People – for a reported $200,000 – that her friend indeed spent the night with Gary Hart in Washington, as well as on the Monkey Business.

6/9/87

Describing Oliver North as "every secretary's dream of a boss," Fawn Hall defends him against charges of illegality. "Sometimes," she observes, "you have to go above the written law, I believe."

6/11/87

At a press conference following the Venice economic summit, President Reagan says "there could still be some lowering" of the dollar, a comment that causes a brief fluctuation in world currency markets before it's corrected. He is also unable to recall the name of the UN body taking up a resolution on the Persian Gulf – the hardly obscure "UN Security Council."

6/12/87

"Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

--President Reagan, seeking to dispel his growing aura of irrelevance by staging a macho photo op at the Berlin Wall

6/16/87

Subway shooter Bernhard Goetz is acquitted of attempted murder but is convicted of illegal gun possession. He gets six months in jail, appeals, and winds up with a year.

6/16/87

"I can't wait to use it!"

--President Reagan holding up for the cameras a very big prop pen with the word "VETO" on it.

6/18/87

"It's a question of dignity. Whether I did, whether I didn't – with Gary Hart or anybody else – I wouldn't answer it one way or the other."

--Donna Rice refusing to tell Barbara Walters what she wants to know

6/22/87

Newsweek publishes a letter from George W. Bush, oldest son of the Vice President, denying rumors of his father's adultery. "The answer to the Big A question," writes Bush, "is N.O."

6/22/87

The National Enquirer reports details of Michael Jackson's obsession with Elizabeth Taylor. Among them: he has a room in his home dominated by a huge video screen that plays her movies round the clock, he sent her a life-size inflatable doll of himself for her birthday, and he proposed marriage to her. Says record producer Quincy Jones, "The biggest misconception about him is that he's weird."

6/23/87

"Some said that I was singing golden oldies ... Well, the line-item veto and the balanced-budget amendment may be oldies but they're goodies. And those who think they don't stand a chance on the charts had better keep their dial tuned to this station. It's rock 'n' roll time again at the White House."

--President Reagan trying to distract public attention from the Iran-contra hearings with a PR campaign for the line-item veto (which he claims to have used "943 times" as governor) and a balanced budget amendment (not that he has ever submitted one, or could, even if the law demanded it)

6/23/87

Pentagon official Noel Koch tells the Iran-contra committee about the code names used in discussions about hostage negotiations: Koch was "Aaron," Ollie was "Paul," the Israeli functionary was "the Bookkeeper," missiles were "Dogs," the airport was "the Swimming Pool," Iran was "Apple," Israel was "Banana," the US was "Orange" and hostages were "Zebras." Says a Senate lawyer, "I take it ... there never came a time when Col. North said that Paul was sending Aaron and the Bookkeeper to the Swimming Pool to get a price so that Orange could send some Dogs through Banana to Apple for some Zebras. Is that correct?" Koch says, "Well, you would sort of start down that road and get so self-conscious you couldn't do it."

6/25/87

Pope John Paul II meets with Kurt Waldheim at the Vatican, just as if the Austrian president wasn't a former Nazi.

6/26/87

Reagan defender Sen. Alan Simpson (R-WY) denies reports of increasing presidential out-of-itness. "I even saw him do a cowboy doodle the other day," he says. "He used to do that when he was in his prime."

6/27/87

New York Times: POWELL LEAVES HIGH COURT; TOOK KEY ROLE ON ABORTION AND ON AFFIRMATIVE ACTION / PRESIDENT GAINS CHANCE TO CHANGE THE SHAPE OF COURT'S FUTURE

6/27/87

Ailing Hustler co-publisher Althea Leasure Flynt, 33, drowns in her bathtub in Los Angeles. "The sad part of this story is that no one will ever know Althea for the wonderful person she was," widower Larry tells the National Enquirer. "They will know her for being a junkie who had AIDS and married a porn publisher – and I think that's a tragedy. She was a beautiful person."

6/29/87

Tennessee Senator Albert Gore Jr., 39, enters the Democratic presidential race. Though he hopes to win the yuppie vote, this turns out to be precisely the group most offended by his wife Tipper's grandstanding against dirty rock lyrics. As the campaign progresses, his relentless pandering – to southern rednecks on defense, to New York Jews on Israel – prompts muckraker Jack Newfield to call Gore the first candidate to "run for President by pretending to be worse than he is."

6/29/87

"We don't care about the political or ideological allegiance of a prospective judge."

--Ed Meese on the Supreme Court vacancy, causing his audience to burst into laughter.

JULY 1987

7/1/87

President Reagan names Robert Bork – famous for carrying out Nixon's order to fire Archibald Cox during Watergate's Saturday Night Massacre – to Lewis Powell's Supreme Court seat. "Conservatives have waited over 30 years for this day," says fund-raiser Richard Viguerie. The President urges the Senate to "keep politics out of the confirmation process," though it seems hardly to have been absent from the nomination process.

7/1/87

New York Times: MEESE DID NOT FOLLOW ETHICS LAW IN BLIND INVESTMENT, OFFICIAL SAYS

7/6/87

A movement is started to recall Arizona Gov. Evan Mecham, who in his first six months in office:

*Cancelled the state celebration of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, saying, "He's been blown up by others, and doesn't deserve a holiday"

*Asked for a list of all homosexuals in the state government

*Endorsed a book in which black children were called "pickaninnies," explaining that blacks themselves used the term affectionately

*Spoke at a John Birch Society convention

*Nominated a man to investigate government corruption who was revealed to have been twice court-martialed.

Says Mecham, "I'm doing things that hasn't been done before."

7/6/87

Nancy Reagan, 66, celebrates her 64th birthday.

7/7/87

Lt. Col. Oliver North, medals gleaming from his Marine uniform and certified as a "national hero" by his Commander-in-Chief, begins six nationally televised days before the Iran-contra committee. "I came here to tell you the truth," he says, "the good, the bad and the ugly." Though President Reagan has repeatedly expressed his eagerness to find out what happened, his spokesman claims that he is too busy to watch TV.

7/8/87

Oliver North testifies that conveniently dead William Casey helped run the secret contra program, and says of the plan to use Iranian money to support the rebels, "I think it was a neat idea." As for his improper acceptance of a free security gate, "I'll be glad to meet Abu Nidal on equal terms anywhere in the world. Okay? There's an even deal for him. But I am not willing to have my wife and my four children meet Abu Nidal or his organization on his terms." But, really, how much protection against the world's most vicious terrorists can a fence provide? No one asks.

7/8/87

President Reagan is unable to watch Oliver North's testimony because he is busy holding up a very big saw with the words "BUDGET CUTTER" on it.

7/9/87

With Oliver North turning out to be as good a bad actor as the President himself, wife Betsy accompanies him to Day Three of his testimony, where:

*He swaggeringly boasts that he shredded documents in the presence of Justice Department officials

*He says he is so committed to following orders that if the President tells him to "go stand in the corner and sit on his head, I will do so," leaving unclear whose head will be sat on and how it will be accomplished while standing

*His lawyer, Brendan Sullivan, gets even more prickly than usual and snaps, "I'm not a potted plant!"

*Dan Rather accidentally refers to him as "Oliver Nark."

Meanwhile, fearful that Reagan's lack of interest in the proceedings seems aberrational, White House aides report that he is paying attention, inspiring the New York Times headline, "REAGAN IS 'AWARE' OF NORTH HEARING."

7/10/87

Manucher Ghorbanifar denies Oliver North's story that they negotiated the Iran arms deal in a men's room. "Imagine it!" he says. "I'm supposed to have taken a man who is chief of operations for the National Security Council and said, 'Come to the bathroom, screw me, overcharge for the weapons, finish me in Iran, and then send the money to your friends, the contras.' Honest to God, this is the biggest joke I have ever heard in my life. I was never alone with him."

7/10/87

Washington Post: MEESE SAYS FAILURE TO DISCLOSE TRUST ASSETS WAS INADVERTENT

7/13/87

After four days of Oliver North's using the hearings as a soapbox for his version of democracy, several lawmakers give him their views. "Although he is regularly asked to do so," says Sen. George Mitchell (D-ME), "God does not take sides in American politics, and in America, disagreement with the policies of the government is not evidence of lack of patriotism." Not everyone is so disapproving. Says Orrin Hatch of the contra funding scheme, "I have to confess I kind of think it's a neat idea, too."

7/14/87

"The second slide is a photograph of Andrei Gromyko."

--Oliver North, presenting his contra fund-raising slide show at the hearings where, since security prevents the room from being darkened, he can't actually show the slides but must hold them up to the light and describe them

7/14/87

President Reagan says he'll wait until the hearings are over to offer any comments. "Then," he warns, "you won't be able to shut me up."

7/15/87

Unaware that Olliemania has already peaked, would-be profiteers rush paperback and home video versions of his testimony to the marketplace. Business consultant John Hudson says he'll manufacture an Oliver North doll, explaining, "It's impossible for it not to sell."

7/15/87

John Poindexter claims that he kept the President uninformed of the fund diversion – though he was sure he would "approve if asked" – in order to "provide some future deniability." Says the pipe-puffing Admiral, "On this whole issue, you know, the buck stops here with me." This statement, true or not, ends any prospect of impeachment, and the nation abandons its interest in the hearings.

7/15/87

Dan Rather tells former CIA chief William Colby that he's heard several committee members speculate that William Casey isn't really dead."

"I attended his funeral," says Colby.

"He's dead, no question?" asks Rather.

"Yes."

7/16/87

In their first major action since Oliver North's efforts to make them folk heroes, the contras kill three children and a pregnant woman.

7/17/87

Lyn Nofziger pleads not guilty to six counts of illegal lobbying on behalf of the Wedtech Corporation.

7/23/87

John Poindexter is reported to have used the phrase "I can't recall," or some variation thereof, 184 times during his five days of testimony.

7/27/87

"I reject a potted plant presidency. I'm here to do a job."

--President Reagan picking up his newest prop, an oversized pair of scissors, and cutting a big credit card labeled, "CONGRESSIONAL EXCESS."

7/28/87

A careless writer includes the word "paradigm" in a speech for President Reagan. Yes, he pronounces it "paradijum."

7/29/87

Sen. George Mitchell tells Ed Meese he finds it "hard to accept" his explanation that he took no notes during his early questioning of key officials – and didn't even ask the most obvious questions – because he didn't realize the fund diversion was a criminal case. "I take offense at the idea that it's hard to accept," says Meese. Mitchell insists, "It's hard to accept."

During two days of testimony, Meese utters the phrase "I don't recall," or some variation thereof, about 340 times.

7/30/87

"How many times do we put up with this rug merchant type of stuff?"

--Donald Regan testifying that he recommended breaking off the Iran arms deal after being "snookered" once too often

AUGUST 1987

8/3/87

The Iran-contra hearings come to an end. The award for most unusual closing statement goes to Sen. James McClure (R-ID), who cites a passage from Butterflies Are Free concerning diarrhea.

8/5/87

"We were not in the loop."

--Vice President Bush explaining that he "didn't attend the meeting" at which objections to the Iran arms deal were raised because "I was off at the Army-Navy football game"

8/5/87

Washington Post: MEESE FAILED TO FOLLOW ETHICS RULES, GAO SAYS / PARTNERSHIP WITH WEDTECH FIGURE IS CITED

8/12/87

After boasting for months about how much he'll have to say when the Iran-contra hearings end, President Reagan goes on TV and devotes less than six minutes to the subject, repeating what he's said many times before and ignoring hundreds of specific charges and questions that have been raised.

8/20/87

Two Gary Hart associates suggest that a recent poll showing him still leading the Democratic field might prompt him to re-enter the race. "If this is a trial balloon," says a former Hart aide, "it's the Hindenburg of trial balloons."

8/24/87

New York plastic surgeon Howard Bellin assesses Michael Jackson's evolving physiognomy. "I believe he's had three rhinoplasties and two operations on his chin," he says. "I think he had a chemical face peel, cheekbone implants, his upper lip thinned and a fat suction from his cheek." If the singer had come to him in the first place and told him that this is what he wanted to look like, says Bellin, he would have told him, "That's going to look awful."

SEPTEMBER 1987

9/1/87

Protesting American arms shipments to the contras by blocking a military train, San Francisco activist S. Brian Willson loses both legs below the knees when the train fails to stop. He is later sued by civilian members of the train crew for the "humiliation, embarrassment [and] emotional distress" the incident caused them.

9/7/87

Gary Hart says his treatment by the media has won him "the victims' vote," claiming that, for the first time in his life, "black people come up to me on the street and want to shake hands with me."

9/10/87

Jerry Falwell – who has vowed that there will be "no more sideshows" connected with the PTL – fulfills a fund-raising promise by hurtling fully clothed down a Heritage USA water slide. The reverend, obviously in over his head with his entire PTL involvement, resigns within a month.

9/11/87

With presidential hopeful Joe Biden about to preside over the Bork hearings, video excerpts of a highly personal speech by British politician Neil Kinnock – intercut with nearly identical (and unattributed) passages from a Biden speech – begin circulating among reporters. Though Biden says he usually credits Kinnock, his seeming appropriation of another man's life does little for his credibility. Speculation begins about which rival campaign compiled the "attack video."

9/11/87

Furious over a CBS decision to delay his newscast to show the end of a women's semi-final tennis match, Dan Rather – in Miami for the Pope's visit – walks off the set, causing the network to "go black" for six minutes after the game.

9/15/87

Rejecting advice that he lose the unsightly beard, Robert Bork testifies at his Senate confirmation hearings. Though supporters have been counting on his warmth and intelligence to win over critics – whose concerns include his insistence that there is no constitutional right to privacy – he instead comes across as a cold, angry man with no evident humor. His nomination is understood to be in trouble.

9/15/87

Fawn Hall – now signed with the William Morris Agency – tells Barbara Walters that running for office has "definitely crossed my mind." She says her ordeal over the past several months has "made me realize that probably I'm a lot deeper person than I thought I was."

9/18/87

In Japan for a concert tour, Michael Jackson visits the mayor of Osaka accompanied by his pet chimp Bubbles, who sips Japanese green tea. "We were surprised to see the chimpanzee," says a city official, "but we understand he is his good friend."

9/23/87

Amidst charges of plagiarism dating back to law school, Joe Biden – whose presidential hopes have been staked on his reputation for inspiring oratory – withdraws from the race. Since it soon turns out he has a brain aneurysm requiring surgery, this move in all likelihood saves his life.

9/27/87

The Washington Post publishes excerpts from Bob Woodward's VEIL: The Secret Wars of the CIA, 1981-1987. Media attention focuses on the scene in which the author sneaked into the dying William Casey's hospital room and asked if he knew about the diversion of funds. Casey is reported to have nodded. For some reason, this titillating but hardly surprising tidbit – who thinks he didn't know? – is considered more newsworthy than the revelation that Casey was personally responsible for the deaths of 80 innocent people in Beirut, victims of a malfunctioning car bomb intended to assassinate a Hezbollah terrorist.

9/28/87

Jessica Hahn – who is reported to have received $1 million from Playboy – begins a publicity tour to promote the new issue, in which, declaring "I am not a bimbo," she poses for 10 pages of topless photos.

9/28/87

Rep. Pat Schroeder (D-CO) bursts into tears as she announces that she will not run for President in 1988. Hostile media reaction to this display of emotion certifies a reversal in public standards: It is now only permissible for a man to cry in public.

9/29/87

Defending a fund-raising letter attacking the "homosexual lobby" for trying to recall him, Evan Mecham is asked for the "true version" of several different explanations about the letter. Says the angry Arizona governor, "Don't ever ask me for a true statement again."

9/29/87

"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"

--Vice President Bush after a tour of the Auschwitz death camp

9/30/87

Dukakis campaign manager John Sasso resigns after admitting that he was the source of the Biden "attack video." Why he is penalized for disseminating accurate information goes unexplained.

9/30/87

President Reagan complains to the arch-conservative Washington Times that a Soviet "disinformation campaign" has made anti-Communism in the US "unfashionable." He speaks nostalgically of the good old days when Sen. Joseph McCarthy and the House Un-American Activities Committee would investigate suspected subversives. "They've done away with those committees," says the President. "That shows the success of what the Soviets were able to do in this country."

9/30/87

Employing his unvarying review of any book that contains truths he doesn't like, President Reagan dismisses Veil as "an awful lot of fiction." Asked if Casey engaged in covert activities without his knowledge, the President replies, "Not that I know of."

OCTOBER 1987

10/1/87

TV evangelist Pat Robertson – who stayed at a friend's house there for three months in 1959 – returns to his "roots" in the Brooklyn ghetto of Bedford-Stuyvesant to announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. "Bigot!" local residents chant, proving that you can't go home again. "Bigot!"

10/2/87

Vice President Bush continues his loose-lipped trek across Europe, telling a Brussels audience that Soviet tanks are so well built that the mechanics should be sent to Detroit "because we could use that kind of ability." Motown auto workers are predictably unamused.

10/6/87

The Senate Judiciary Committee votes 9-5 against the Bork nomination.

10/6/87

The stock market drops 91.55 points – the biggest one-day plunge to date.

10/7/87

Pat Robertson acknowledges a Wall Street Journal report that he's been less than candid about his wedding date, and that his first child was born only ten weeks after the marriage. Complains the candidate, "I have never had this kind of precision demanded of me before."

10/12/87

On the day that George Bush announces his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination, Newsweek runs a cover story on him with the headline "FIGHTING THE 'WIMP FACTOR.'" He is reportedly so upset that he counts the number of times the word "wimp" appears in the article. (Nine.)

10/13/87

"If I have to appoint another one, I'll try to find one that they'll object to just as much as they did to this one."

--President Reagan, bitter about the impending defeat of the Bork nomination

10/13/87

At a state dinner for El Salvador's president Duarte, entertainer Lionel Hampton forgets where the guest of honor is from, calling it "that great foreign country down there."

Meanwhile, the President discusses Armageddon with Duarte's wife.

10/14/87

The stock market drops 95.46 points – the new biggest one-day plunge.

10/14/87

The Bakkers announce a 25-city "Farewell for Now" tour featuring Tammy's singing and Jim's "sharing from his heart." The tour is cancelled when only 32 tickets are sold for its Nashville opening.

10/14/87

"A lot of the people that support me, they were ... at their daughter's coming-out parties ..."

--George Bush, vastly overestimating the Iowan debutante population to explain his third place finish in a state straw poll

10/15/87

Los Angeles residents awaken to find that Robbie Conal has plastered the city with his latest homage to the President, CONTRA DICTION. "In this one, I think of him as a little paranoid, a little hurt and maybe a little confused," says the artist of the new portrait, "and that's the way he's made me feel for years."

10/16/87

The stock market drops 108.36 points – the new biggest one-day plunge.

10/17/87

Nancy Reagan's left breast is removed after it is found to be cancerous. As if this isn't bad enough, her mother dies nine days later. And as if that isn't bad enough, daughter Patti – citing "other travel plans" – does not attend the funeral.

10/19/87

The stock market drops 508 points – the newest biggest one-day plunge – with an estimated total loss of $503 billion. Shouts the President above the noise of his helicopter as he heads off to visit Nancy, "There is nothing wrong with the economy!"

10/20/87

Galleys of former Education Secretary T.H. Bell's forthcoming White House memoir reveal that, to President Reagan's "mid-level right-wing staffers," Martin Luther King Jr. was "Martin Lucifer Coon," Arabs were "sand niggers" and a law prohibiting discrimination against women was "the lesbians' bill of rights."

10/22/87

"What went wrong?"

"What went wrong with what?"

--President Reagan responding to questions about the unprecedented stock plunge, which he calls "a long overdue correction"

10/22/87

President Reagan refers to Secretary of State George Shultz as "The Secretary General."

10/23/87

Thanks largely to the tireless efforts of liberal advocacy groups like Norman Lear’s People For the American Way, Robert Bork is rejected by the largest Senate margin ever, 58-42. Says one observer of Bork's failure to win over undecided senators in private meetings, "The dogs just didn't like the food."

10/27/87

Michael Deaver's perjury trial gets underway in Washington. Says a former aide, "I think if he had it to do over again, he would probably have handled his media differently."

10/28/87

At the first Republican debate, George Bush takes the advice of former Nixon media guru Roger Ailes and calls rival candidate Pete duPont by his given name "Pierre" in order to make viewers think duPont is the real wimp because of his sissy French name.

10/29/87

President Reagan, who claims that the time has come "to put the national interest ahead of partisan political interests," ignores aides urging a moderate Court appointment and nominates Ed Meese's extremely partisan 41-year-old choice, Harvard law professor Douglas H. Ginsburg.

10/31/87

Supreme Court nominee Douglas Ginsburg confirms that his wife, Hallee Morgan, performed abortions during her medical training in Boston.

NOVEMBER 1987

11/1/87

Further details emerge about the background of Douglas Ginsburg: As a Justice Department lawyer, he "personally handled" a cable TV case while he had close to $140,000 invested in a Canadian cable company with major US holdings.

11/5/87

Douglas Ginsburg confirms another rumor: "Once as a student in the 1960s and on a few occasions in the '70s," while he was teaching at Harvard, he smoked marijuana. He calls it a "mistake."

11/6/87

With Douglas Ginsburg's survival – already in doubt before the pot revelation – in serious jeopardy, conservatives fearful that a third nominee will be less ideologically pure are thrust into the surreal position of downplaying his drug use. "He was not an addict," says the President, not previously known for condoning recreational usage. "He was nothing of that kind."

Meanwhile, aware that this question will now be asked of all baby-boom politicians, Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-GA) admits that he smoked marijuana once, 19 years ago, but it had no effect on him.

11/6/87

Washington Post: WEINBERGER DEPARTS; PENTAGON TRANSITION BEGINS / REAGAN NAMES CARLUCCI DEFENSE SECRETARY, POWELL SECURITY ADVISER

11/6/87

In a PBS AIDS special hosted by Ron Reagan, singer Ruben Blades uses a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom. The International Banana Association protests, claiming that the "unsavory association" will damage the industry, but no decline in banana consumption is noted.

11/7/87

Douglas Ginsburg asks President Reagan to withdraw his nomination. Meanwhile, Albert and Tipper Gore announce that they smoked grass in their youth (though they now regret it), Bruce Babbitt says he smoked it 20 years ago, and Sen. Claiborne Pell (D-RI) says he took "several puffs" off a joint years ago and "didn't like it."

11/7/87

Washington Post: WHITE HOUSE DEFENDS MRS. MEESE'S LETTER TO JUDGE / ATTORNEY GENERAL'S WIFE URGED LENIENCY IN SENTENCING LAWMAKER'S SON FOR TAX FRAUD

11/8/87

Rep. Connie Mack III (R-FL) tells a reporter he smoked marijuana "more than once, but not often" when he was in his 30s, "but I have not done it in years." Sen. Lawton Chiles (D-FL) says he smoked it once, 17 years ago.

11/8/87

Appearing on Face the Nation, Ginsburg defender Orrin Hatch is asked why he – of all people – thinks it's okay that a pot smoker was teaching students the law. Hatch points out that it happened a decade ago. "But," says Lesley Stahl, "he was a professor of the law."

"So what?" shouts Hatch. "I mean – I think that's – no, wait a minute, I ... I think that's a factor to be considered."

11/8/87

White House aides – trying to head off another round of stories about President Reagan's increasing irrelevance in the wake of the Ginsburg fiasco – claim he was "very active and very animated" at a recent budget meeting and that he even pounded the table for emphasis.

11/9/87

Sen. Bob Dole goes home to Russell, Kansas to announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. "I offer a record," he says in his first official tweak at despised rival George Bush, "not a resume."

11/10/87

The New York Post conducts a survey of the drug use of various politicians, among them Richard Nixon. "He has never smoked pot," says spokesman John Taylor. And how does he know? "I just feel absolutely certain about it. Don't you?"

11/10/87

"He's no embarrassment to me."

--President Reagan responding to a query about whether Ed Meese has, perhaps, become something of an, er, embarrassment

11/11/87

Claiming that his recent judicial fiascos have "made all of us a bit wiser," President Reagan names conservative Anthony Kennedy as his third choice for the Powell seat. Reaffirming his support for Ed Meese – who columnist James J. Kilpatrick, a former ally, has called "that consummate bungler" – he embraces his Attorney General, who then returns to the US Courthouse to resume his sixth appearance before a federal grand jury.

11/11/87

Attending a Veteran's Day service at the Vietnam War Memorial, Bob Hope says the day "brings back a lot of memories to me 'cause, you know, I saw nine years of ... those kids laughing and cheering ... but I never realized till I saw Platoon what really went on with the serious stuff."

11/17/87

"Caribou like the pipeline. They lean up against it, have a lot of babies, scratch on it. There's more damn caribou than you can shake a stick at."

--George Bush scoffing at environmentalists who had feared the Alaska oil pipeline would cut into the caribou population

11/18/87

The Iran-contra committee's final report says President Reagan bears ultimate responsibility for the scandal because he failed to carry out his oath to "take care that the laws be faithfully executed." Ed Meese is singled out for having "poorly served" the President – first, with his advice on the legality of the arms deal, and then when he "departed from standard investigative techniques" in conducting his probe. Eight of the panel's most rabid Reaganites – among them, of course, Orrin Hatch – issue a minority report labeling the hearings a "witch hunt" and the findings of the majority "hysterical."

11/20/87

The Administration announces an immigration agreement that will send more than 2,500 Cuban prisoners in US jails home against their wishes. For some reason, Ed Meese fails to anticipate prisoner reaction, and is surprised when inmates in Atlanta and Louisiana, with nothing really to lose, seize hostages. Though Meese agrees to a moratorium on deportations, the uprising continues for more than a week.

11/26/87

Howard Baker reveals that the Iran-contra committee's report was "personally hurtful" to President Reagan. "He really, really did not like it," says Baker, "and really, really feels personally put upon by many of the implications and many of the assertions."

11/30/87

Michael Deaver's White House memoir, Behind the Scenes, is excerpted in Life. The highlight involves a 1980 incident in which the Reagans found themselves taking part in a communion service. Nancy "hissed, 'Are those people drinking out of the same cup?'" and was assured that all she had to do was dip her wafer into the chalice. Unfortunately, she dropped it in by mistake and thus prompted her husband, who had been told to follow her lead – as if he had to be – to toss his wafer in as well, leaving the pastor "shaking his head as these blobs of gunk floated in the chalice."

DECEMBER 1987

12/4/87

Washington Post: MEESE NOT YET IN COMPLIANCE WITH ETHICS RULES / FIVE MONTHS AFTER PROMISE, FINANCIAL DISCLOSURES REMAIN INSUFFICIENT

12/7/87

On the eve of the third US-Soviet summit, Rona Barrett complains to Soviet spokesman Vladimir Posner that Americans don't see nearly enough "attractive" Russians, and that they should stop wearing those ugly "fur hats." Posner explains that the hats are worn as protection against the extreme cold.

12/8/87

Before signing an arms treaty, President Reagan once again cites his favorite Russian proverb, "Doveryai, no proveryai – trust, but verify." An exasperated Mikhail Gorbachev says, "You repeat that at every meeting!" Afterward, the President claims to have "an entirely different relationship" with Gorbachev "than I had with his predecessors," none of whom he ever met.

12/9/87

Dismissing reports of their mutual loathing as "so silly, so silly," Nancy Reagan gives Raisa Gorbachev a tour of the White House. She is stymied by several of her guest's questions, such as, "When was it built?"

12/9/87

Columnist Jack Anderson reports that Gorbachev's decision to stay at the Soviet Embassy has thwarted CIA plans to collect a specimen of his stool.

12/10/87

Mikhail Gorbachev suddenly lunges out of his limousine in front of Duke Zeibert's Washington restaurant, where he is mobbed by well-wishers while George Bush stands by unmobbed. Observes rival 1988 presidential candidate Jack Kemp's press secretary John Buckley, "When George Bush stands next to Reagan, he looks smaller than life. When he stands next to Gorbachev, he looks like a bonsai tree."

12/13/87

The Orange County Register reports that a test of 24 bills of various denominations – collected at random in California's staunchest conservative enclave – shows all of them to contain traces of cocaine.

12/14/87

Having lost $30,000 marketing his Ollie North doll, John Lee Hudson announces that he is padding them with extra stuffing and revamping them as Gorbachev dolls. "The birthmark will be there," says Hudson. "It'll be tricky. You don't want to make him look like a weirdo."

12/15/87

"Let the people decide. I'm back in the race!"

--Gary Hart, with Lee at his side, announcing his re-entry into the presidential contest

12/15/87

President Reagan is asked how he responded to Mikhail Gorbachev's offer to cut aid to the Sandinistas. He consults a note card and says, "This is a subject we are going to be discussing for quite some time."

12/16/87

"When I disagreed with him he heard it from me. I didn't sit there at his side to say 'yeah' to every cockamamie idea that came before the President and then claim I didn't know about it afterwards unless it was a winner."

--Alexander Haig describing the differences between his relationship with President Reagan and George Bush's

12/16/87

Michael Deaver is convicted of three counts of perjury. A journalist on the phone with a White House aide when another aide burst into the room with the news reports that both "roared with laughter."

12/19/87

Washington Post: LARGE DISCREPANCY IN MEESE TRUST FUND / ADVISER INVESTED MORE THAN ACCOUNT HELD

12/22/87

Ed Meese's lawyer – and friend of 30 years – e. robert wallach (who prefers to spell his name sans capital letters) is indicted on racketeering, fraud and conspiracy charges in connection with the Wedtech scandal, as is Ed Meese's financial consultant W. Franklyn Chinn.

12/28/87

Gary Hart is declared eligible for the federal matching funds he was entitled to when he withdrew in May. Many observers think the money – needed to pay off outstanding debts – is the entire reason for Hart's re-entry.

JANUARY 1988

1/4/88

Jesse Jackson reveals that he was once dependent on a painkiller, though it happened more than a quarter century ago and lasted for less than a day.

1/7/88

Washington Post: BUSH REGULARLY ATTENDED MEETINGS ON IRAN SALES / RECORDS INDICATE KNOWLEDGE UNDERSTATED

1/10/88

Employing the Nixonian tactic of downplaying bad deeds by citing others similarly guilty, Gary Hart points out, "If I am elected I won't be the first adulterer in the White House. I may be the first one to have publicly confessed." He then says, "One could argue – I wouldn't – that Ronald Reagan walked away from a marriage," thus employing the Nixonian tactic of pointing out something unpleasant while seeking credit for not pointing it out.

1/12/88

Washington Post: MEESE'S ACTIONS ON PHONE REGULATION PROBED / INDEPENDENT COUNSEL MCKAY STUDYING POSSIBLE CONFLICT-OF-INTEREST VIOLATION

1/15/88

Michael Deaver – in need of cash to pay his legal bills – holds a tag sale to sell off the contents of his offices.

1/15/88

Oddsmaker Jimmy (the Greek) Snyder celebrates Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday by discussing civil rights in the world of sports. "If they take over coaching like everybody wants them to," he says of blacks, "there's not going to be anything left for white people ... I'm telling you that the black is the better athlete ... This goes all the way to the Civil War when, during the slave trading, the owner, the slave owner, would breed his big black with his big woman so that he would have a big black kid, see. That's where it all started." CBS fires him.

1/18/88

Questioned about abortion by an Iowa high school student, George Bush grabs a page out of her hand, finds that it's a Jack Kemp flyer, holds it up and, with a considerable flourish, tears it into pieces. "Finis!" he cries.

1/18/88

The National Enquirer reports that, Nancy Reagan issued a White House edict – "No more Sinatra" – after reading what Frank had to say about her and Ronnie in His Way.

1/20/88

President Reagan begins his last year in office with a pep rally for his staff. "As they say in show biz," he says, "let's bring them to their feet with our closing act."

1/25/88

President Reagan's final State of the Union address is overshadowed by a live TV encounter between George Bush and Dan Rather. Bush – who has been psyched into a near-frenzy by media guru Roger Ailes – petulantly dismisses Rather's questions about his still-murky involvement in the Iran-contra scandal. "It's not fair to judge my whole career by a rehash on Iran," whines Bush. "How would you like it if I judged your career by those seven minutes when you walked off the set in New York?" Rather (whose six-minute tantrum occurred in Miami) shouts back, "Mr. Vice President, you've made us hypocrites in the face of the world! How could you?" Afterward, Bush crows, "The bastard didn't lay a glove on me."

1/26/88

"Macho!"

--George W. Bush at campaign headquarters, raising both fists in tribute to his big brave dad, who says, "I need combat pay for last night, I'll tell you ... You know, it's Tension City when you're in there"

1/27/88

"I wasn't there. Well, maybe I was there but I didn't hear anything. Well, maybe I heard something but I don't remember what. Anyway, after all this time, nobody cares what I did."

--Columnist Lars-Erik Nelson summing up the Bush Iran-contra defense

1/30/88

New York Times: ABORTION ADVICE BARRED AT FEDERALLY AIDED CLINICS

FEBRUARY 1988

2/2/88

"I do not recall having read the specific words that have now mushroomed into importance."

--Ed Meese, again citing his trusty selective memory to explain his failure to take action after receiving a memo telling of the planned bribing of Israeli officials in connection with an Iraqi oil pipeline

2/3/88

Los Angeles Times: MEESE VAGUE IN NOFZIGER TESTIMONY / 29 TIMES HE ASSERTS NOT RECALLING ACTS IN LOBBYING CASE

2/4/88

Anthony Kennedy, 51, is confirmed as Supreme Court Justice, 97-0.

2/4/88

Furious at what he perceives as the Bush campaign's unfair attacks on his wife Liddy, Bob Dole gives vent to his lifetime of loathing the George Bushes of the world. Storming on to the Senate floor, he confronts the Vice President in full view of TV cameras, waving a piece of paper in his face. Bush – dealing with an angry adult male instead of a teen-age girl – does not grab the page and scream, "Finis!"

2/5/88

At a surprise party for the President's upcoming 77th birthday, Marvin Hamlisch introduces "He's Our Man (The Ronald Reagan March)," a song commissioned by the First Lady: "He's our man / And he's giving his best / He's our man / And he's up to the test / He has done the job the best that anyone can." Reagan observes that the event is "the 38th anniversary of my 39th birthday."

2/5/88

Arizona governor Evan Mecham – who has recently observed, "I'm not sure but what maybe we have become a bit too much of a democracy" – is impeached by the state House of Representatives for obstruction of justice. Though he suggests that his accusers will be torn "to bits" by his lawyers, what actually happens is that he's convicted and removed from office.

2/5/88

"It's gotten to the point where I think some of the people are embarrassed saying at a cocktail party that they work for the Justice Department. You see the person you're talking to jump back in alarm."

--Justice Department official describing morale under the tenure of Ed Meese

2/8/88

Missouri congressman Richard Gephardt edges past Illinois senator Paul Simon to win the Iowa Democratic caucus, with Michael Dukakis third. Finishing last, with .3% of the vote: Gary Hart. Sen. Bob Dole wins on the Republican side, drawing twice as many votes as George Bush, who finishes third behind Pat Robertson. Dan Rather happily describes Bush's defeat as a "humiliation."

2/11/88

"It's a lousy law."

--Lyn Nofziger on being convicted of three counts of illegal lobbying in the Wedtech case, for which he gets 90 days and a $30,000 fine

2/14/88

At the Republican debate in New Hampshire, Pat Robertson claims to be in possession of information about Soviet missiles hidden in Cuban caves. "Nobody can say for certain," he points out, "that those missiles aren't there."

2/14/88

George Bush is asked who he'd pick as his running mate. "I haven't selected her," he says. "But let me tell you, this gender thing is history. You're looking at a guy who sat down with Margaret Thatcher across the table and talked about serious issues."

2/16/88

Officials of Augsburg College in Minneapolis decide not to name a wing of a new building after alumnus Elroy Stock – who donated $500,000 to the school – when they learn that he has sent approximately 100,000 hate letters to interracial couples.

2/16/88

As expected, neighboring governor Michael Dukakis wins the New Hampshire Democratic primary. Gary Hart finishes last with 4%. Meanwhile, Bob Dole loses to George Bush, 38%-29%. Tom Brokaw, interviewing them both by satellite, asks if they have any messages for each other. "Just wish him well and we'll meet him in the South," says Bush. And Senator Dole, any message for the winner? "Yeah," snarls Dole, "tell him to stop lying about my record."

2/21/88

Jimmy Swaggart, whose visits to a Louisiana prostitute have been exposed by rival evangelist Marvin Gorman (whose own adultery had been previously exposed by Swaggart), temporarily steps down from his ministry after a gasping and sobbing TV confession. The prostitute, Debra Jo Murphree, soon appears naked in Penthouse, where she supplies the seedy details of their trysts: she assumed lewd poses while he masturbated.

2/23/88

Washington Post: MEMO TO MEESE DESCRIBES PIPELINE PAYMENTS / WALLACH WROTE OF 'ARRANGEMENT' TO BENEFIT ISRAEL AND LABOR PARTY / ATTORNEY GENERAL TELLS FRIENDS HE WON'T QUIT

2/24/88

The Supreme Court rules 8-0 that even though Jerry Falwell really, really didn't like it, Larry Flynt had the right to jokingly claim that the porcine reverend lost his virginity to his own mother in a drunken outhouse tryst.

2/25/88

Sam Donaldson broadcasts excerpts from President Reagan's private schedule for the day – a document that includes a complete script for everything he is to say in private meetings. Among the "talking points" suggested: "Bob, I appreciate you and your colleagues coming down today," "I want to thank all of you for your input," "God bless you all," and "Otis, what are your thoughts?"

MARCH 1988

3/1/88

George Bush attacks Congress for cutting off aid to the contras, claiming it "pulls the plug out from under the President of the United States."

3/3/88

A two-day meeting of NATO leaders ends in Brussels with a 19-point communiqué that President Reagan praises. Later, asked by reporters if he is pleased with the document, he replies, "No, haven't read it."

"We saw it last night," says Howard Baker. "No problems and it's very good."

"Yes," says the President. "Very good. No problems."

3/4/88

20/20 airs a Barbara Walters chat with Nancy Reagan. Does the First Lady have any thoughts on the occasion of her 36th wedding anniversary? She does: "It seems like 36 minutes."

3/6/88

"I'll tell you something. If this country ever loses its interest in sports or ever loses its interest in fishing, we got real trouble ..."

--George Bush campaigning in Missouri at the World's Fishing Fair

3/7/88

"We're going to heavy-up the speeches."

--Press secretary Peter Teeley announcing the new Bush strategy

3/8/88

George Bush beats Bob Dole in 16 Super Tuesday primaries. Dole wisely avoids live TV interviews.

3/9/88

President Reagan presides over the unveiling of the Knute Rockne stamp at Notre Dame, where he flubs the line he's probably recited more often than any other. "Win just one," he misreads the teleprompter, "for the Gippet." He does not correct himself.

3/11/88

Having received 3% of the Super Tuesday vote, Gary Hart – conceding that the people have pretty much decided – pulls out of the 1988 race for the second time. And how will he earn a living now? "It's none of your business."

3/14/88

On the eve of certain defeat in Illinois, Bob Dole insists that only he will decide when it's time to quit, though he adds, "If you're out there and you've been twisting in the wind for six or eight months and you start to smell a little, then maybe somebody has to cut the rope just for your own good." Two weeks later, he decides it's time.

3/16/88

President Reagan – who still can't understand why he's perceived as insensitive to minorities – vetoes a major civil rights bill that would restore antidiscrimination laws removed by a Supreme Court decision. The veto is soundly overridden.

3/16/88

Oliver North, John Poindexter, Richard Secord and Albert Hakim plead not guilty to charges of conspiracy, theft and fraud in connection with the Iran-contra scandal. North – who calls the indictment a "badge of honor" – retires from the Marines to defend himself more freely. Says President Reagan of the indictments, "I have no knowledge of anything that was broken."

3/20/88

Michael Reagan begins the promotional tour for his autobiography, On the Outside Looking In, described by reviewer Barbara Lippert as "a peculiar memoir that seems to include every time he vomited and wet his pants." Among the highlights (besides the previously noted child molestation):

*His delight, as a teenager, when Nancy's Lincoln Continental rolled down a hill and was totaled ("I laughed and was only sorry she wasn't in it")

*His taking a hammer to a bicycle given him by mom Jane Wyman ("With every smashing blow I thought of that bike as my mother, hoping if I destroyed it I was also destroying her")

*Nancy's response to his bad report card ("You're not living up to the Reagan name or image, and unless you start shaping up, it would be best for you to change your name")

*Jane Wyman's reaction when he told her he was writing the book ("I can't believe you have anything to say at this time in your life that's worth reading")

*The last words in the book ("Thanks, Mom and Dad! Love, Mike.")

3/31/88

"I've never been on Air Force One. I've never even spent so much time with Dad alone. Being next to him on a whole flight means I'll have spent more time with him in the air than I ever have on the ground."

--Michael Reagan, heading to California with the folks on their jet

3/31/88

Ed Meese wakes up to a Washington Post editorial that says he "leaves a smudge wherever he goes." At the Justice Department, he is greeted at his private entrance by hostile graffiti ("RESIGN" and "SLEAZE"). In the Senate, right-wing elder statesman Strom Thurmond says of Meese, "That boy's got to go."

Meese says he sees "no reason" to step down.

APRIL 1988

4/1/88

"Don't vote for that fuckin' Bush!"

--Bruce Springsteen at New York's Nassau Coliseum

4/4/88

"Hi, Bush."

--Unimpressed child greeting the Vice President at the White House Easter Egg Roll

4/7/88

Another White House memoir appears: Larry Speakes' inevitably titled Speaking Out. Among the tidbits:

*Nancy Reagan was "likely to stab you in the back"

*George Bush was "the perfect yes man"

*Caspar Weinberger was "a small man, a whiny type of guy"

*The President's children rarely called, even when he was seriously ill, "and he and Mrs. Reagan didn't call them"

*Preparing the President for a press conference was "like re-inventing the wheel."

Confesses Speakes, "Some of the business about his lack of attention to detail was true."

4/10/88

Appearing on Meet the Press to plug his latest book, 1999: Victory Without War, Richard M. Nixon says the biggest mistake of his presidency was waiting too long "to bomb and mine North Vietnam." He also suggests that Henry Kissinger be named as special Mideast negotiator. "Now, Henry is devious," he says, "Henry is difficult, some people think he's obnoxious – but he's a terrific negotiator."

4/11/88

The media suddenly discovers the hidden gem in Larry Speakes' book: his confession that, during the 1985 Geneva summit, he twice made up quotes and attributed them to President Reagan, whose utterances had in fact been "very tentative and stilted." He also admits having assigned words actually spoken by George Shultz during the Korean air liner crisis to Reagan, "since the President had had almost nothing to say." Speakes – who notes that his creativity "played well" – explains that fabricating quotes "is not lying" because "I knew those quotes were the way he felt."

President Reagan's review? "I find it entirely fiction."

4/12/88

Sonny Bono is elected mayor of Palm Springs.

4/14/88

New York Times: MEESE WIFE WAS GIVEN JOB BY SEEKER OF U.S. CONTRACT

4/15/88

With his credibility in tatters, Larry Speakes loses his $400,000 a year job as chief spokesman for Merrill Lynch. He re-enters the job market with considerably less heat than he had when last there.

4/19/88

The Senate Labor Committee is told that George Bush recently pressed for eased requirements for toxic gas ventilation in the workplace. The Bush plan – which had the advantage of being cheaper – was to make the workers wear personal respirators, an unquestionably less effective method of protection.

4/21/88

Former Justice Department officials Arnold Burns and William Weld explain to President Reagan how a prosecutor more aggressive than James McKay could justify indicting Ed Meese. The President seems visibly upset – one aide describes him as "gray" – but he calms down when Meese comes by and assures him there's "no problem."

4/26/88

Defending his personal style, George Bush asks, "What's wrong with being a boring kind of guy?" He says it would be a bad idea "to kind of suddenly get my hair colored, and dance up and down in a miniskirt," adding, "I kind of think I'm a scintillating kind of fellow." Later, he wins the Pennsylvania primary and wraps up the nomination.

4/27/88

President Reagan is asked if he could imagine any circumstances that would prompt him to demand Ed Meese's resignation. "Well," he says, "maybe if he had a complete change of character."

4/28/88

New York Times: MEESE WANTS BROADER DRUG TESTING / EVERYONE ARRESTED WOULD BE SUBJECT TO TESTS

MAY 1988

5/2/88

Campaigning in Indiana, George Bush asks Gov. Robert Orr, "What kind of a guy is Dan Quayle?" Orr assures him the state's junior senator is "a fine, fine person."

5/4/88

"The policies that both Dukakis and Jackson are espousing would take us back to the malaise days. I'll be making that point over and over, and they'll be running for cover like a bunch of quails."

--George Bush offering an early – and little-noted – clue as to the direction of his vice presidential thinking

5/5/88

With its most famous teacher, Jamie Escalante, immortalized in a Hollywood film, East L.A.'s Garfield High School gets a visit from George Bush. "You don't have to go to college to be a success," the would-be Education President says, seemingly unaware that the school sends 70% of its mainly Hispanic students to college. "We need the people who run the offices, the people who do the hard physical work of our society." It becomes known among snide aides as his "You too can be a janitor" speech.

5/6/88

"We have had triumphs, we have made mistakes, we have had sex ..."

--George Bush, meaning to say that he and the President had "setbacks"

5/8/88

Donald Regan's memoir, For the Record, exposes Nancy Reagan's secret obsession with astrology, which led her to consult a stargazing "friend," San Francisco heiress Joan Quigley, before approving her husband's schedule. "Feb 20-26 be careful," Quigley would warn. "March 19-25 no public exposure ... April 21-28 stay home." Among the other highlights:

*Nancy's comment about Raisa Gorbachev after an evening in which she held forth on Marxist-Leninist theory ("Who does that dame think she is?")

*Her efforts to keep abortion out of Presidential speeches ("I don't give a damn about those right-to-lifers!")

*Her insistence that Casey be fired as he lay dying of cancer ("He's dragging Ronnie down!")

*The President's reaction when fire broke out in his study ("He continued reading ... until guards asked if he wouldn't like to move while they put out the fire. He hadn't wanted to bother anybody.")

5/9/88

"I'll be damned if I'll just stand by and let them railroad my wife."

--President Reagan, telling a reporter that Nancy is "very upset" about Don Regan's book, which he calls "a bunch of falsehoods" without refuting any

5/16/88

Ed Meese fires Justice Department spokesman Terry Eastland for conducting an ineffective PR campaign on his behalf. Since Eastland is highly regarded among conservatives, his dismissal upsets a group Meese can ill afford to alienate. Claiming he has "destroyed the department," the Washington Times joins the hordes demanding his resignation.

5/17/88

New York Times: NOT A SLAVE TO THE ZODIAC, REAGAN SAYS

5/19/88

Washington Post: MEESE SAYS RESIGNATION WOULD SUGGEST GUILT

5/26/88

George Bush visits a New Jersey rehab. "What did you start out on, just for the heck of it?" he asks one patient, and asks another, "Did you come here and say, 'The heck with it, I don't need this darn thing'? Did you go through a withdrawal thing?"

5/26/88

With a Gallup poll showing their man 16 points behind, top Bush aides tell a group of pro-Dukakis voters some things they don't know about their candidate:

*His prisoner furlough program let a first-degree murderer out to commit rape

*He vetoed a bill that would have forced teachers to recite the Pledge of Allegiance

*His own Boston Harbor is really polluted.

Half of them become undecided voters, and the Bush campaign has found its themes.

5/28/88

New York Times: ANOTHER TOP MEESE AIDE QUITS JUSTICE DEPT.

5/29/88

While their husbands hold their first summit session in Moscow, Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev have tea and tour a cathedral. Is it true, Nancy is asked, that she said of Raisa, "Who does that dame think she is?" No, she says coldly. Then, determined to match Mikhail Gorbachev's spontaneous limo sprint in Washington, the Reagans take a surprise 10-minute stroll down a Moscow street. Unfortunately, this would-be PR coup leads to a mob scene in which their Soviet bodyguards assault reporters, bystanders and some US officials.

5/30/88

At a state dinner at the Kremlin, the President nods off during Gorbachev's toast, then offers his own remarks, which are dominated by a long-winded synopsis of the 1956 Civil War film Friendly Persuasion. "It has fun," says the President, who gives his hosts a copy. "It has humor. There's a renegade goose, a mischievous young boy, a nosy neighbor, a love-struck teenager in love with a gallant soldier ..." He goes on for several minutes, as Soviet eyes glaze over.

5/31/88

In a speech to students at Moscow State University, President Reagan explains the American Indian situation: The US has "provided millions of acres" for "preservations – or the reservations, I should say" so the Indians could "maintain their way of life," though he now wonders, "Maybe we should not have humored them in that, wanting to stay in that kind of primitive lifestyle. Maybe we should have said, 'No, come join us. Be citizens along with the rest of us.'" For the record, Indians have been citizens since 1924, and few would say they've been "humored" by being allowed to maintain the culture they created before their land was taken from them.

JUNE 1988

6/1/88

"If I can make Willie Horton a household name, we win the election."

--Bush campaign manager Lee Atwater, preparing to turn Michael Dukakis' furloughed rapist into the national bogeyman

6/6/88

Fundamentalist media watchdog Donald Wildmon claims to have seen Mighty Mouse snorting cocaine in a recent Saturday morning cartoon. Though animator Ralph Bakshi explains that the rodent was sniffing flowers, the scene is cut from future broadcasts.

6/7/88

Primary victories in California and New Jersey give Michael Dukakis the delegates he needs for nomination. Declares the winner, who enjoys a double-digit lead over Bush in national polls, "Name-calling and labels don't work and aren't going to work."

6/8/88

"You know, if I listened to him long enough, I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn, and that people are homeless, and people are going without food and medical attention, and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."

--President Reagan accusing Michael Dukakis of misleading campaign rhetoric

6/10/88

A bicycle messenger is prevented from entering the Justice Department because he's wearing a T-shirt that proclaims, "Experts Agree! MEESE IS A PIG."

6/15/88

"Did you have anal sex?"

--Pugnacious gay-bashing talk show host Morton Downey Jr. interviewing his AIDS-stricken brother Tony

6/19/88

"I didn't know anything about it."

--Former Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger employing the traditional Reagan Administration excuse as a huge Pentagon bribery scandal begins to unfold

6/20/88

"If you think it was an accident, applaud."

--Geraldo Rivera asking his studio audience to vote about Natalie Wood's 1981 drowning

6/21/88

At a press conference following his last economic summit in Toronto, President Reagan says that neither he nor Cap Weinberger could have been expected to have known about the burgeoning Pentagon scandal. "It should be understandable how such things can happen in something as big as our Government is," says the President, who clearly reserves his indignation and outrage for poor people who wangle a few extra food stamps.

6/23/88

"I'm opposed to these unsupervised weekend furloughs for first-degree murderers who are not eligible for parole. Put me down as against that."

--George Bush disproving critics who claim he's basing his entire campaign on the Pledge of Allegiance

6/25/88

John Landis invites the jury that acquitted him of involuntary manslaughter in connection with the deaths while filming the Twilight Zone movie to a private screening of his new Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America, which he managed to make without killing anyone. He does not offer to fly them in by helicopter.

6/27/88

Mike Tyson – who says he wants to hit his opponent "so hard that I make the nose bone go into his brain and kill him" – earns $20 million by defeating Michael Spinks in 91 seconds of the first round of their championship fight.

6/27/88

"This is it. In two months, it's pee-in-a-bottle time."

--Meese spokesman Patrick Korten giving Justice Department employees 60 days warning before starting random drug testing

JULY 1988

7/3/88

The battleship USS Vincennes – one of the Navy's ultra-sophisticated computer-supported Aegis cruisers – mistakes Iran Air Flight 655 for a fighter plane and blasts it out of the sky, killing 290. President Reagan calls the incident an "understandable accident." Though reliable reports say the Soviet downing of KAL 007 was also inadvertent, he insists there is "no comparison" between the events. Says George Bush, "I will never apologize for the United States of America! I don't care what the facts are!"

7/5/88

Ed Meese claims that James McKay's decision not to indict him has "completely vindicated" him and, with the cloud over his head lifted, says he is now free to resign and will soon do so.

7/6/88

The first of many syringes, blood vials and other hospital souvenirs – some contaminated with the AIDS virus – washes ashore on Long Island, forcing the closing of miles of beaches in the midst of the worst East Coast heat wave of the decade. Health officials downplay the risk to bathers, pointing out that these items comprise only a small percentage of beach debris. "People are living in an age of fear," says a department spokesperson. "People are afraid when they hear the words 'infectious waste.'"

7/6/88

Nancy Reagan, 67, celebrates her 65th birthday.

7/7/88

Jesse Jackson is asked whether his plan to bring his supporters to the Democratic convention on a bus is designed to "steal the thunder" from his opponent. "Mr. Dukakis," says Jackson, "has no intention of bringing any thunder to Atlanta."

7/8/88

New York Times: MEESE SAYS HE MET HIS ETHICAL GOAL

7/10/88

New York Times: REAGAN HAILS MEESE HONESTY

7/13/88

Nancy Reagan's office has no comment on reports that her ghostwriter William Novak – who co-authored the memoirs of Lee Iacocca and Tip O'Neill – has called marijuana an "intellectual stimulant."

7/18/88

Independent counsel James McKay reports that though he thinks prosecution is unwarranted, he has concluded that Ed Meese "probably violated the criminal law" four times since becoming America's chief law enforcement officer. McKay says Meese filed a false income tax return, failed to pay capital gains taxes on time, and participated in decisions about matters in which he had a financial interest. A furious Meese responds, "McKay doesn't know beans about criminal law, let alone taxes. I've had a reputation all my life for scrupulous honesty and integrity, and frankly I'm outraged by this sort of report. The only person who says there is a criminal violation is Mr. McKay and he's wrong."

7/18/88

"Poor George, he can't help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth."

--Texas state treasurer Ann Richards delivering the keynote speech in Atlanta, getting Democrats all excited about what an easy target Bush is

7/19/88

Having heard enough of Ed Meese's self-righteous pronouncements, the Justice Department opens an investigation into his possible violation of federal ethics laws.

7/20/88

Traveling in Amsterdam, Ed Koch attacks local officials for tolerating the open sale of marijuana and hashish. "That," declares the mayor, "couldn't take place in New York City."

7/20/88

Following a comically endless nominating speech by Arkansas governor Bill Clinton, Michael Dukakis receives his party's presidential nomination. Cameras in his suite record the candidate's exuberant reaction: he waves away a glass of champagne.

7/21/88

"This election is not about ideology – it's about competence."

--Michael Dukakis accepting the nomination, exhibiting a dismaying misunderstanding of what every election is about

7/22/88

New York Times: WEDTECH PROSECUTOR ASSAILS MEESE AS 'A SLEAZE'

7/26/88

A Gallup poll shows Michael Dukakis leading George Bush 55% to 38%.

7/26/88

Former Justice Department official Arnold Burns tells the Senate Judiciary Committee that Ed Meese made the Justice Department "a world of Alice in Wonderland" in which "up was down and down was up, in was out and out was in, happy was sad and sad was happy, rain was sunshine and sunshine was rain, hot was cold and cold was hot." His colleague William Weld says he thinks Meese should have been prosecuted.

7/27/88

Campaigning in Albuquerque on behalf of the Equal Rights Amendment, Democratic vice presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen declares, "I support the R.E.A.!"

7/28/88

George Bush is asked if the public perception of him is at odds with reality. "Much different," he says. "For example, I like pork rinds, but that doesn't fit the mold.

7/30/88

"A fish rots from the head first."

--Michael Dukakis citing a perhaps too pungent proverb in response to a question about whether President Reagan should be held responsible for the shoddy ethics of so many in his Administration

AUGUST 1988

8/1/88

A National Enquirer excerpt from a Secret Service agent's memoir reveals that Richard M. Nixon has been known to put on a hospital gown backward "and tramp down the hall with the front flying open."

8/3/88

"Look, I'm not going to pick on an invalid."

--President Reagan coyly refusing to demand that Michael Dukakis release his medical records in the wake of completely false rumors that he twice got depressed and consulted a psychiatrist!

8/4/88

On the 24th anniversary of the discovery of the bodies of three civil rights workers in Mississippi, Michael Dukakis campaigns nine miles from the site and – fearful of offending white southerners whose votes he doesn't have a prayer of getting anyway – does not mention the event.

8/6/88

With Treasury Secretary James Baker quitting to take over his friend George Bush's campaign, a CBS News/New York Times poll shows Michael Dukakis ahead by 17 points. The governor interprets this as a mandate to take the rest of the month off, secure in the knowledge that his opponent's efforts to paint him as a man who lets murderers out of jail but won't let kids say the Pledge of Allegiance are doomed to failure.

8/9/88

With black teenager Tawana Brawley's claim of being raped by a group of whites under serious question, conservative black leader Roy Innis (who says Brawley made the whole thing up) shoves Brawley defender (and all-around racial ambulance chaser) Rev. Al Sharpton to the floor during the taping of a Morton Downey Jr. show.

8/10/88

Ed Koch – who has urged New Yorkers not to give to beggars, saying, "If you feel guilty, see a priest" – announces plans for an anti-beggar ad campaign.

8/12/88

Ed Meese serves his long-awaited last day as Attorney General. His replacement, former Pennsylvania governor Richard Thornburgh, declines several opportunities to say he will emulate his predecessor.

8/14/88

Bush aides are reported to be talking up 41-year-old Indiana senator Dan Quayle – a darling of the far right – as a possible running mate. Quayle appears on This Week with David Brinkley, where he mentions the name "George Bush" 10 times in two minutes. "George Bush is going to make this decision by himself," he says, "and whoever can help George Bush get elected President I'm sure will accept the nod, and that is the goal, because it is so important that we have George Bush as the next President of the United States." He also says the drought has been hard on the "coyn and sorbean" crops.

8/14/88

President Reagan arrives in New Orleans, where he calls the Democrats "liberal" 22 times in his arrival speech. "It's time to talk issues, to use the dreaded 'L' word," he says. "Liberal, liberal, liberal." He is presented with an enormous "Gipper's Gavel" to add to his vast collection of oversized props.

8/15/88

Russian comic Yakov ("What a country!") Smirnoff opens the Republican Convention in New Orleans with the Pledge of Allegiance. Other notable first day events:

*Bob Dole – who has displayed a perverse eagerness to serve as running mate to a man he despises – fatally damages his cause by describing the vice presidential selection process as "demeaning"

*Alexander Haig likens the Democratic Party to a blind bat "hanging upside down in dark, damp caves up to its navel in guano"

*Nancy Reagan grits her teeth and says, "The time has come for the Bushes to step into the limelight and the Reagans to step into the wings"

*President Reagan delivers his farewell speech to the convention, misstating his catch phrase of the evening, "Facts are stubborn things," as a more-appropriate-for-him "Facts are stupid things."

8/16/88

After seeing the Reagans off at the airport – where he points out his half-Mexican grandkids as "the little brown ones" – George Bush, finally his own man, announces his first presidential decision: Dan Quayle, a "Man of the Future," will be his running mate. Quayle's youth and alleged good looks (he is billed as a Robert Redford lookalike, though he in fact resembles Pat Sajak) are expected to blind women and baby-boomers to his immaturity and hard-right views. Quayle leaps out of the crowd and up to the podium, bouncing around as he waves his arms and shouts, "Believe me, we will win because America cannot afford to lose!" He grabs Bush's shoulder, almost punching him in the stomach as he bellows, "Let's go get 'em!" Bush looks ill.

8/17/88

George Bush loses the parents-of-mauled-children vote by pledging that he and his running mate will campaign like "pit bulls." Meanwhile, Dan Quayle's debut on the national stage is an inauspicious one, as reporters focus in on several touchy areas. Among them:

*His connection to a 1980 sex scandal involving lobbyist Paula Parkinson ("It's been fully gone into," he says peevishly, "and if you don't know that, you should")

*His Neanderthal voting record on civil rights, the environment and other progressive issues

*His embarrassing scholastic record

*His decision, despite vociferous support for the Vietnam war, to avoid the draft by joining the National Guard ("I did not know in 1969 that I would be in this room today, I'll confess") and the question as to whether his rich, influential parents pulled any strings on his behalf.

Democratic analyst Robert Squier notes that the GOP "could end up with a ticket [of] Wimp and War Wimp, and that's a tough one to try to campaign with."

8/18/88

"... accept your nomination ... going to win ... proud to have Dan Quayle ... hold my charisma in check ... don't hate government ... scandal to give a weekend furlough to a hardened first-degree killer ... Read! My! LIPS! No! New! Taxes! ... kinder and gentler nation ... go ahead, make my 24-hour time period ... quiet man ... hear the quiet people others don't ... I am that man! ... a thousand points of light ... I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America ..."

--George Bush who, as did Michael Dukakis a month ago, succeeds in lowering expectations to the point where a competent speech is exalted as a dazzling display of oratorical pyrotechnics

8/19/88

A mob scene ensues in Dan Quayle's home town of Huntington when campaign aides pipe the sound from a contemptuous press interrogation of the candidate out to a rally of his supporters. Why, he is asked, if no influence was necessary, did he ask his parents to help get him into the National Guard? "I do – I do – I do – I do what any normal person would do at that age," says Quayle. "You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, 'I'd like to get in the National Guard.'" Despite his barely passing grades, he claims that eagerness to pursue his law school education, rather than fear for his safety, led to his decision. The response seems to satisfy his townsfolk, who chant, "BOR-ING! BOR-ING!" at reporters.

8/20/88

Campaigning with his running mate at the Ohio State Fair, George Bush compares reporters at the Quayle press conference to bluefish. "There was a flurry, there was a feeding flurry in the water out there," he says. "Have you ever seen them when they are just squirming all around and feeding in a frenzy. That's exactly what was happening." Quayle, who warns that the US is "naked, absolutely nude to attack" by the Soviets, faces his first hecklers, who chant, "Quayle, Quayle called his mom / Everybody else went to Nam." They also shout "Chicken!" as hundreds of live fowl can be heard squawking nearby.

8/21/88

"This was a PR outfit that became President and took over the country."

--Former Reagan press aide Leslie Janka, as quoted by Mark Hertsgaard in On Bended Knee: The Press and the Reagan Presidency, a book that convincingly points up the media's inadequacies and is therefore poorly reviewed by said media

8/22/88

George Bush assures a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Chicago that his running mate is innocent of a series of unmade charges. "He did not go to Canada, he did not burn his draft card," says Bush, "and he damn sure didn't burn the American flag! And I am proud to have him at my side!"

Meanwhile, Dan Quayle tries to make amends with the Veterans of Foreign Wars. "My National Guard unit was never called up to active duty, but after the last 72 hours no one can say I never faced combat," he says, oblivious to how that statement trivializes their experiences.

8/22/88

"Don't let him fool you, America. He's about as close to Ronald Reagan in the area of national security as Winnie the Pooh is to Refrigerator Perry in the area of bears."

--George Bush attacking Michael Dukakis in Chicago

8/23/88

"If the Vice President is saying he'd sign an unconstitutional bill, then in my judgment he's not fit to hold the office."

--Michael Dukakis, trailing in post-GOP convention polls, but confident that this is all he has to say to put an end to that pesky Pledge of Allegiance issue

8/23/88

Playboy reveals that Paula Parkinson told lawyers seven years ago that Dan Quayle "said he wanted to make love" and "flirted a lot and danced extremely close and suggestively" during that 1980 golf weekend in Florida. Quayle stages a taking- out-the-trash photo op to demonstrate what he thinks of such stories, demanding "some respect and dignity for things I did not do." Meanwhile, James Quayle says his son Dan's main interests in school were "broads and booze."

8/25/88

"I don't know what his problem is with the Pledge of Allegiance ... His fervent opposition to the pledge is symbolic of an entire attitude best summed up in four little letters: ACLU ... He says – here's an exact quote – he says, 'I am a card- carrying member of the ACLU.' Well, I am not and I never will be."

--George Bush, uncowed by his opponent's cries of "Unconstitutional!"

8/25/88

Dan Quayle cites, among his qualifications to be President, his eight years on the Senate Armed Services Committee, where his work with cruise missiles involved "getting them more accurate so that we can have precise precision."

Asked by a farmer about a local pork issue, Quayle says, "Whatever you guys want, I'm for," explaining that he knows "quite a bit about farm policies" because "I come from Indiana, a farm state." And what, then, is his message to farmers? "My message?" says Quayle, looking confused. He smiles and says nothing.

8/25/88

Sen. Steve Symms (R-ID) claims to have heard that there are photographs of Kitty Dukakis "burning the American flag" in the '60s, though he, of course, has not actually seen them.

8/26/88

Though the release of school records is a normal requirement for any number of positions, Dan Quayle – seeking to place himself a chicken bone away from the presidency – refuses to divulge his. He concedes that his resume contains an inflated description of his job with the Indiana attorney general's office, though the error is blamed, oddly enough, on his staff.

8/27/88

"Although in public I refer to him as Mr. Vice President, in private I call him George. When he called, when I talked to him on the phone yesterday, I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But in public, it's Mr. Vice President because that's who he is."

--Dan Quayle explaining the "intrapersonal" relationship he has developed with George Bush

8/27/88

"I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it."

--Dan Quayle on the valued family

8/28/88

Asked what qualifications he would bring to the role of anti-drug czar, should he be so assigned, Dan Quayle claims to be familiar with the National Narcotics Border Interdiction System "in a general sense." He is asked who runs it. "Who is the head of it? I don't know who the head of it is," says Quayle. The answer? George Bush.

8/29/88

Michael Dukakis serenely embarks on a two-day tour of his home state, as if his wresting of the "Wimp" label away from George Bush hasn't just cost him 15-20 points in the polls.

8/30/88

Dan Quayle addresses a convention of fire chiefs, where he holds a fireman's hat over his head for cameras, but doesn't actually put it on, lest he disturb his coiffure.

8/31/88

Sen. Orrin Hatch calls the Democrats "the party of homosexuals," then denies he said it. A radio station produces the comment on tape.

8/31/88

At a Lake Erie campaign stop, George Bush declares, "I am an environmentalist," a statement Michael Dukakis finds so patently absurd that he sees no need to make sure the voters understand how truly Orwellian it is.

SEPTEMBER 1988

9/1/88

George Bush arrives in Boston for a ferry ride in what he calls "the dirtiest harbor in America" – a devastating invasion of their home turf that Dukakis aides have known about for days yet failed to combat. A local poll shows that the governor of Massachusetts has blown a 14-point lead in his home state.

9/2/88

"Eeek! Eeek! Eeek!"

--George Bush being nipped repeatedly as he empties traps aboard a Delaware crab boat, after which he claims the Democrats remind him of "what I brought out of that river – blue crabs."

9/2/88

"There's two men running for President ... Michael Dukakis [is] a liberal, and he doesn't want to admit it ... George Bush [is] a pure opportunist, who's pretending he's an arch- conservative ... They're the Duke and the Dauphin, the two characters in Huckleberry Finn ... These are guys who are charlatans. Neither one of them is telling the truth."

--Political analyst Christopher Matthews

9/4/88

"Perestroika is nothing more than refined Stalinism."

--Dan Quayle displaying his unrefined comprehension of the Soviet political system

9/5/88

Tammy Faye Bakker describes her last night in her PTL mansion before being evicted by Jerry Falwell. "As I lay on the floor in the dark, empty room," she says, "Tuppins, my puppy, licked at the tears running down my face. 'Oh, Tuppins,' I sobbed. 'Why has God forsaken me?'"

9/7/88

"Today, you remember – I wonder how many Americans remember – today is Pearl Harbor Day. Forty-seven years ago to this very day we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor ... Did I say September 7th? Sorry about that. December 7th, 1941."

--George Bush, who twice called Memorial Day "Veteran's Day," promising voters a very special kind of continuity

9/8/88

"I could have been an atheist. I could have been a polygamist. I could have been anything else and questions wouldn't have been asked."

--Bush campaign worker Jerome Brentar, fired when his oft-voiced doubts about the existence of the Holocaust come to light

9/8/88

The two campaigns reach an agreement on debates: there will be two (Dukakis wanted three or four), the first will be September 25th (Dukakis wanted September 14th), the last will be October 13th or 14th (Dukakis wanted the end of October) and both will be general in subject matter (Dukakis wanted the first devoted solely to foreign policy). Says Dukakis campaign chairman Paul Brountas of the pact, "I'm pleased with it."

9/8/88

Dan Quayle declares that Republicans "understand the importance of bondage between parent and child," though, of course, he means "bonding."

9/8/88

Dan Quayle's toothy, retro-coiffed wife Marilyn observes six times in the course of a single plane ride that she's "not getting paid" for serving as her husband's chief adviser. "Well, I'm working, but I'm still not getting paid," she says. "I'm still a lawyer, I'm just not paid." "I have no different role for Dan than his administrative assistant. It's just I don't get paid." Etc. She also defends her spouse's much-maligned intellect, claiming that he "really is the studious sort" who "tries to read Plato's Republic every year" (though she does not reveal if he has ever succeeded), and points out that "Franklin Roosevelt was a lousy student. He failed the bar exam seven times." In fact, FDR took the test once, as a second-year law student, and passed.

9/9/88

Surrendering to Republican pressure, Speaker Jim Wright announces that the Pledge of Allegiance will be recited in the House twice a week.

9/9/88

Addressing a sweaty, T-shirted audience at an Ohio steel plant, a suit-clad Dan Quayle declares, "I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time." He claims to have defended steel quotas in a face-to-face encounter with President Reagan, looking him "right across the eyes." Says one worker of Quayle's appeal, "It's a long way off yet." And, as for a report that his college grades were so low that his entry into law school was dependent on a special "equal opportunity" program primarily intended to increase minority admissions, Quayle says, "I got into law school fair and square. Nothing improper was done and no rules were broken."

9/11/88

Bush campaign aide Fred Malek resigns after the resurfacing of a previously reported revelation that, in 1971, he followed President Nixon's orders and compiled a list of Jews at a government bureau. The next day, six more Bush campaign advisers quit amid charges of anti-Semitism.

9/13/88

Touring the General Dynamics plant in Michigan, Michael Dukakis puts on an enormous green helmet and rides around in the turret of an M-1 Battle Tank, evoking unpresidential media comparisons to Snoopy and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Explains an aide, "He said he wanted to hear what the other guys in the tank were saying. Fine. But he looked like an idiot."

9/13/88

"Want to hear a sad story about the Dukakis campaign? The governor of Massachusetts, he lost his top naval adviser last week. The rubber duck drowned in his bathtub."

--Dan Quayle campaigning in Milwaukee

9/14/88

"Back under the previous Administration, things were rough in the flag business ... Well, since we began restoring pride in the United States of America, business has been booming. Flag sales have taken off."

--George Bush campaigning in Orange County

9/14/88

Landslide: The Unmaking of the President: 1984-88 by White House correspondents Jane Mayer and Doyle McManus, reveals that Reagan was so detached during the Iran-contra scandal that aides signed his initials to documents without his knowledge. Says an aide to Howard Baker of Reagan's underlings, "They told stories about how inattentive and inept the President was ... They said he wouldn't come to work – all he wanted to do was to watch movies and television at the residence."

9/15/88

Howard Baker confirms that when he became chief of staff, there was some concern about the President's ability to remain in office. But, he says, he instantly found Reagan to be "the most presidential man I've ever known," and that was that. Says the President of the Landslide report, "No truth at all." In other words, fiction.

9/15/88

Asked about the Holocaust during a rare news conference, Dan Quayle calls it "an obscene period in our nation's history." Reminded that the Holocaust did not take place in America, he explains that "in this century's history" is what he meant to say. "We all lived in this century," he says, adding cryptically, "I didn't live in this century."

9/16/88

Defending his campaign against charges of ethnic prejudice, George Bush says, "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism." He goes on to misquote, of all things, the Pledge of Allegiance: "And to the liberty for which it stands, one nation under God with freedom and justice for all."

Meanwhile, Dan Quayle repeatedly calls Belgian endive "Belgium endive."

9/20/88

Visiting a Newark, New Jersey flag factory, George Bush burbles, "I've never been to a flag factory!" This prompts all three network newscasts to run "Enough with the flag, already" stories, leading a Bush aide to admit, "We took it exactly one day too far."

9/21/88

"Go back and tell George Bush to start talking about the issues."

--Barry Goldwater stunning Dan Quayle at an Arizona campaign stop

9/23/88

Michael Deaver gets three years in prison (suspended), 1,500 hours of community service, and a $100,000 fine. "It was a very fair sentence," he says, "if I had been guilty."

9/25/88

Marilyn Quayle and her parents are reported to be followers of Col. Robert B. Thieme Jr., a far-far-rightwing preacher who has been known to wear his Air Force uniform in the pulpit. His specialty is Armageddon.

9/25/88

At their first debate in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Michael Dukakis attempts to soften his "Zorba the Clerk" image by emotionlessly declaring, "I care deeply about people, all people," and finds himself laughed at when he says he's "very tough on violent crime." Bush complains about the cocaine scene in Crocodile Dundee and refers to a drug addict as "a narcotics-wrapped-up guy."

Columnist Mary McGrory sums it up: "The debate sharpened the choice ... a man who can't express his thoughts or a man who can't express his feelings."

9/28/88

Country singers Loretta Lynn, Crystal Gayle and Peggy Sue travel on George Bush's bus tour across central Illinois. "He's country and I love him," Lynn tells a crowd. "George Bush. Phew!" And just how much does she dislike Michael Dukakis? "Why, I can't even pronounce his name!"

9/28/88

"Don't forget the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. A child. A mother. A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values."

--Dan Quayle returning to a favorite topic

9/29/88

The Nobel Peace Prize, which the First Lady was known to covet as the perfect going-away present for her husband, goes to the UN Peace-keeping Forces. Says one former Reagan aide, "They had very, very high hopes. Nancy must be wearing black."

9/30/88

Mike Tyson sits calmly beside wife Robin Givens as she tells Barbara Walters that he's a violent manic depressive and life with him is "torture ... pure hell ... worse than anything I could possibly imagine." Two days later police are called to their New Jersey estate after the champion begins throwing large objects through the windows. Givens files for divorce within days.

9/30/88

Delivering his standard speech in Texas, Michael Dukakis suddenly refers to his father as "my daddy."

OCTOBER 1988

10/4/88

The Bush campaign begins airing a stark black-and-white spot featuring prisoners going through a revolving door, while an ominous voice-over talks about "weekend furloughs to first-degree murderers" and misleading statistics about Dukakis' record on crime are flashed on the screen.

10/5/88

On the morning of his debate with Democratic vice presidential candidate Lloyd Bentsen, Dan Quayle visits the Omaha Civic Auditorium to check out the debate site. "You're going to see Dan Quayle as he really is," he tells reporters. Inside, an ABC camera crew catches him rehearsing with Bush media adviser Roger Ailes. "Hey, Roger," he says nervously, "does ... on, on this, you know, if I'm gonna, if I, if I decide on my gesture over there ... is that all right ... you don't mind?" Leaving the hall after a sound check, he declares, "The mike works. That's very important to make sure the mike works and ours is working well."

10/5/88

Asked three times at the debate what he would actually do if he suddenly became President – and three times robotically reciting his meager qualifications – Dan Quayle testily observes, "I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency."

"Senator," says Lloyd Bentsen somberly, delivering what is instantly recognized as the sound bite of the night, "I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

"That was really uncalled for, Senator," whimpers Quayle, affecting the look of a wounded fawn.

"You're the one who was making the comparison, Senator," Bentsen shoots back, "and I'm one who knew him well. And frankly I think you're so far apart in the objectives you choose for your country that I did not think the comparison was well-taken."

Afterward, campaign chief James Baker assesses Quayle's performance: "When you think about what might have happened, we have to be pretty happy."

10/6/88

"I think that remark was a cheap shot unbecoming a senator of the United States."

--President Reagan – who not too long ago called Michael Dukakis an "invalid" – complaining about Lloyd Bentsen's assault on Quayle

10/6/88

Dan Quayle explains that the reason he had so much trouble telling the debate audience what he would do if he suddenly became President was that he "had not had that question before."

10/7/88

Michael Dukakis travels to a Missouri automotive parts plant to decry foreign ownership of American businesses, blissfully unaware that the plant is owned by Italians. "Maybe the Republican ticket wants our children to work for foreign owners and owe their future to foreign owners," he declares, "but that's not the kind of future Lloyd Bentsen and I want for America." Crowd response is muted.

10/7/88

Dan Quayle, whose handlers are struggling to fool people into thinking he's not an immature brat, sprays water on reporters during a campaign stop. "This," he says, "is for all the articles you've written about me."

Columnist Murray Kempton writes, "Dan Quayle can no longer be dismissed as a public man incapable of enlarging his stature. On Wednesday afternoon, he was only a vague misfortune for the Republicans, and overnight, he swelled himself close to the proportions of a disaster."

10/10/88

Dan Quayle is again asked what he would do if he had to assume the presidency. "Certainly, I know what to do," he says angrily, "and when I am Vice President – and I will be – there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?"

10/12/88

Humiliated by Bush aides who describe their job as having to "potty train" him, Dan Quayle declares his independence from his handlers. "Lookit," he says, "I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler ... I am Doctor Spin." Speculation instantly begins that his handlers told him to say this.

10/13/88

"Most alarming is his staunch refusal to inform the public about his performance in college and law school – or to provide his academic and his disciplinary records. He has admitted 'mediocre grades,' but he won't release the records. If he has nothing to hide, why has he permitted rumors to persist, not only about poor grades, but disciplinary actions for plagiarism and the hiring of surrogates to take his exams?"

--Full page ad in major US newspapers demanding, "RELEASE DAN QUAYLE'S COLLEGE RECORDS NOW"

10/13/88

"It's everything he's ever done, basically."

--Anti-Bush protester Liela Rand explaining her distaste for the candidate

10/13/88

Michael Dukakis arrives at UCLA with one goal for the second debate: Act like a normal human. He wastes no time demonstrating his inability to do so, answering Bernard Shaw's unusually blunt first question – "If Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered, would you favor an irrevocable death penalty for the killer?" – with a bloodless recital of his opposition to capital punishment and the importance of fighting drugs. The race is understood to be over. As columnist Murray Kempton writes, Dukakis is "so pathetically terminal a case that to keep on noticing his limitations is a kind of cruelty."

10/14/88

Welcoming the crew of the space shuttle Discovery to the White House, President Reagan wonders aloud how long it will be before "the children of America turn to their parents and say, 'Gee, Mom and Dad, can I borrow the spaceship tonight?'" No one hazards a guess.

10/15/88

"I'm picking up Bush vibrations / He's the best guy to lead this nation."

--Beach Boys Mike Love and Bruce Johnston serenading Bush rallies in California

10/17/88

Michael Dukakis meets with a supporter in a Cleveland diner. "Let's kick some ass out there, okay?" the man says. "Okay," says Dukakis dully. "Very good. We'll do it."

10/17/88

Spokesperson Elaine Crispen confirms that, despite her 1982 announcement that she would not do it anymore, Nancy Reagan has continued to receive free designer clothing over the past six years. "She made a promise not to do this again and she broke her little promise," says Crispen, who points out – as Reagan aides so often seem to do – that no actual laws were broken.

10/18/88

"I am the future."

--Dan Quayle

10/18/88

Children's Express reporter Suki Chong, 11, interviews Dan Quayle for a PBS show about the candidates. "Let's suppose I was sexually molested by my father and I became pregnant," she begins. "Would you want me to carry that baby to term?"

"My answer would be yes," says the visibly uncomfortable candidate.

"But, don't you think this would ruin my whole life?" asks the girl.

"I would just like to see the baby have an opportunity."

"So," says Chong, with a directness infuriatingly lacking in her older colleagues, "although you're not actually killing me, you would sacrifice my prospects for the future for that baby."

"See, I've gotten to know you just a little bit," says Quayle, "and you're a very strong woman. You're a strong person. And ... though this would be a traumatic experience that you would never forget, I think that you would be very successful in life."

Later, she asks Lee Atwater if the message Bush's choice of Quayle sends is that "kids should get average grades in schools?" Atwater claims Quayle "wasn't an average student." Replies Chong contemptuously, "Of course he was."

10/20/88

"For a public official's spouse to be 'on the take' is wrong, plain and simple. Nancy Reagan knew it, hid it for years, lied when caught, and now seeks to have a flock of taxpayer-paid press agents explain her ethical lapse away ..."

--William Safire on the First Lady's inability to just say no when it comes to her clothing addiction

10/20/88

"We have gold and yellow and some red and, believe me, those are Republican colors. Bold colors, bright colors, future colors! You know what our opponents' colors are? Gray and dark gray!"

--Dan Quayle talking about the fall colors in rural Ohio

10/21/88

"If I'm elected President, if I'm remembered for anything, it would be this: a complete and total ban on chemical weapons. Their destruction forever. That's my solemn mission."

--George Bush, who cast several tie-breaking votes in the Senate to resume production of nerve gas

10/21/88

Campaigning for Michael Dukakis, comedian Albert Brooks says, "Bush picked Quayle because he thought he would appeal to people in their 30s and 40s. Unfortunately, people with higher IQs don't seem to like him as much."

10/24/88

Convicted killer John Wayne Gacy objects to his name being used "to scare people into voting for George Bush" in a campaign flier claiming he'd be eligible for weekend furloughs if he'd committed his 33 murders in Massachusetts.

10/24/88

Dan Quayle is asked whether he'd want his wife to have the baby if she were raped and became pregnant. In the event of such a "tragic" situation, he says, he would hope that she "would have the child." And how he would feel about raising, say, Willie Horton's child? He is not asked.

10/24/88

"Okay, our focus: Are Babies Being Bred for Satanic Sacrifice? Controversial, to say the least. Unbelievable, to say the least. Disgusting, to say the least. We'll be right back."

--Geraldo Rivera on his daily talk show

10/25/88

Geraldo Rivera presents his first – and last – NBC special, Devil Worship: Exposing Satan's Underground, which The New York Times calls "pornography masquerading as journalism." Excerpts from his introduction: "... Drinking blood ... grave robbing ... mutilated animals ... drinking her 15-year-old victim's blood ... gouged out his victim's eyes ... butchered his mother ... cut the ears off ... drinking his own blood ... The acts ... are so horrible that the question could fairly be raised again: Why are we doing this broadcast?"

Later, he asks the parent of a victim, "What must it be like to a father to think that his own son was disposed of in bits and pieces and thrown in the garbage?" After recycling excerpts from an old interview with Charles Manson – "today's top satanic celebrity" – Geraldo says, "That man is so repugnant. All of these satanic murderers are." Says former NBC News president Reuven Frank, "Geraldo should be arrested for exposing himself."

10/27/88

Michael Dukakis tells Dan Rather that he might not have responded to Bush's attacks "as quickly as I should have."

10/27/88

"I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in the country."

--Dan Quayle offering a very uneducated guess about the homeless situation

10/28/88

The Philadelphia Daily News says it "could have endorsed the 1979-80 George Bush," but not the 1988 version "who pretends, despite all the evidence, that J. Danforth Quayle is not a callow moron."

10/31/88

The Islamic Jihad releases a taped statement by Terry Anderson – held in Lebanon since March 1985 – in which he accuses the US of blocking efforts to free him and the other hostages. "I don't think that was Terry speaking," says President Reagan. "I think he had a script that was given to him. When I was given a script, I always read the lines."

10/31/88

Patricia Seaton Lawford, widow of Peter, publishes a biography of her husband which features his recollection that the First Lady, during her unmarried actress days, "was known for giving the best head in Hollywood." No reporter dares ask the President if this is "fiction."

NOVEMBER 1988

11/1/88

Campaigning in California, President Reagan quotes that well-known character from fiction, "Huckleferry Binn."

11/2/88

Asked if the woman raped by Willie Horton should have had his baby if she'd become pregnant, Dan Quayle says yes. He goes on to display his continuing gynecological ignorance, claiming that rape victims wouldn't need to worry about abortions if they'd just submit to the "normal medical procedure" of a "D & C" (dilation and curettage) right afterward. In fact, uterus scraping is never part of post-rape care, since a fertilized egg takes several days to enter the womb.

11/3/88

"Respond to the attacks immediately. Don't let them get away with a thing."

--Michael Dukakis revealing what he's learned from the campaign, though not explaining why he needed to learn it again, having been beaten by a similar campaign 10 years earlier

11/3/88

Geraldo Rivera gets his long-overdue comeuppance during the taping of a segment on "Teen Hatemongers" when talk show brawler Roy Innis, with the host's blessing, attempts to throttle a white supremacist. During the resulting melee – the logical culmination of a year of increasingly confrontational TV programming – a chair lands in the sensation-mongering host's face, demolishing his nose.

11/4/88

Oklahoma prison inmate Brett Kimberlin, who has been trying to call a press conference to claim that he used to sell marijuana to Dan Quayle, is placed in solitary confinement.

11/5/88

"If you ask me, as Robert Palmer has been singing recently, you are simply irresistible."

--President Reagan responding to cheers from college students

11/6/88

George Bush rejects poll results showing that most voters blame him for the negative tone of the campaign, citing instead "those personal attacks night after night on me, on my character at that idiotic Democratic convention."

11/6/88

"I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family – which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family."

--Dan Quayle ruminating about Thanksgiving

11/7/88

"So, if I could ask you one last time, tomorrow, when mountains greet the dawn, will you go out there and win one for the Gipper?"

--President Reagan making his last campaign appearance on behalf of George Bush, whose half-hour election eve TV ad omits any mention of a Mr. Dan Quayle

11/8/88

Dan Quayle celebrates Election Day with a bizarrely ritualistic visit to the dentist. Though he and George Bush are elected by a 54%-46% margin, polls show that Quayle cost the ticket at least 2% of the vote. The Democrats win ten states and 112 electoral votes, their best showing since 1976. Voter turnout – 50.16 percent – is the lowest since 1924.

11/14/88

"As we sat in front of our TV set, we realized that something had changed. No longer did the programming include, at regular intervals, footage of violent criminals going through revolving doors, recitations of the horrors that might be visited on peace-loving Americans if a 'card-carrying member of the ACLU' became President, or bursts of talk about Boston Harbor and 'Taxachusetts.' George Bush was not even President yet, and the United States was already a kinder and gentler place, because the Bush campaign was over."

--The New Yorker's Talk of the Town

11/15/88

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey – the nation's most renowned dieter – brings out a wheelbarrow loaded with 65 pounds of fat, the better to demonstrate exactly how much weight she's lost.

11/15/88

"The Secret Service is under orders that if Bush is shot, to shoot Quayle."

--Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) telling a joke he will quickly apologize for

11/16/88

Despite his claim during the debate that he knows her, Dan Quayle is not invited to the Reagan Administration's state dinner for Margaret Thatcher.

11/17/88

George Bush pays off some more campaign debts, naming New Hampshire Governor John Sununu as White House chief of staff and campaign manager Lee Atwater as the new Republican party head.

11/18/88

Marilyn Quayle gives up her quixotic quest to take over Dan's Senate seat. Observes one relieved Indiana Republican, "That was very smart. I think the only person pushing her was her."

11/21/88

The Reagans break ground for his presidential library near Los Angeles. Nancy, as she is apt to do in such situations, almost falls down.

11/21/88

Richard Nixon – who was 40 when he became Vice President – meets with Dan Quayle. "I was very surprised," he says afterward. "He is a very different man from the intellectual midget who has been portrayed among the media."

11/24/88

Washington Post: REAGAN POCKET-VETOES STRICTER ETHICS RULES

11/30/88

Dan Quayle says one of the lessons he learned from the campaign is not to talk so much. "Verbosity," he explains, "leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

DECEMBER 1988

12/2/88

"The thing is if you control the Senate meetings, you control the gavel. And the gavel is a very important instrument ... an instrument of power. An instrument that establishes the agenda."

--Dan Quayle suggesting that he's considering presiding over the Senate, a notion he has not yet discussed with newly-elected Majority Leader George Mitchell and Minority Leader Bob Dole

12/6/88

"We have people making hundreds of dollars a week living in our shelters. We have people who go to work with briefcases, rather nice, spiffy."

--Ed Koch proposing that homeless people taking refuge in city shelters be charged rent, explaining, "It's all part of character building"

12/6/88

With his first new album in years about to be released, Roy Orbison dies at 52 of a heart attack.

12/8/88

President Reagan holds his 44th and final news conference, for an average of one every 66.4 days. As he has at almost every previous one, he blames the Congress and previous Democratic Presidents for his budget deficits. The New York Times calls him "a defensive old man."

12/13/88

With five weeks left in office, President Reagan delivers his farewell address on domestic policy, in which he continues to deny that his defense spending increases and tax cuts were in any way responsible for the $155 billion deficit, blaming instead an "iron triangle" of Congressmen, lobbyists and journalists.

12/14/88

Market consultant Faith Popcorn says she expects Barbara Bush to usher in a new acceptance of the Older Lady. "What's wrong with looking 60," she asks, "instead of looking like an anorexic 12-year-old?"

12/16/88

After making high ethical standards one of the mainstays of his campaign, George Bush nominates John Tower – whose personal life has been the subject of considerable media scrutiny – to run the Pentagon. "I woke up every morning and laughed myself silly over what I was reading in the newspapers," says the nominee, no doubt exaggerating his glee at reports of his drinking, womanizing and coziness with defense contractors.

12/16/88

Texas judge Jack Hampton says he gave an 18-year-old killer a lighter sentence because his two victims were gay. "These two guys who got killed wouldn't have been killed if they hadn't been cruising the streets picking up teenage boys," he explains.

12/22/88

President Reagan – whose tenure has coincided with a huge increase in the homeless population – uses his last interview with David Brinkley to again claim that many of these unfortunates are homeless by "their own choice," as must be many of the jobless, since he again points out that the Sunday papers are full of want ads. Asked how an actor could handle the presidency, Reagan says he's wondered "how you could do this job and not be an actor."

12/22/88

New York Times: JETLINER CARRYING 258 TO U.S. CRASHES IN SCOTTISH TOWN / ALL BELIEVED DEAD

12/23/88

New York Times: PAN AM WAS TOLD OF TERROR THREAT / U.S. EMBASSY IN FINLAND WAS TIPPED OFF 2 WEEKS AGO

12/26/88

"These aren't 'animals,' these are wild quail ... I don't think I could shoot a deer. Quail – that's something else again."

--George Bush embarking on a hunting trip in Texas, displaying a unique perspective on biology and becoming the second politician to publicly link the words "shoot" and "Quayle"

12/27/88

President Reagan visits his new office in the penthouse of the Fox Plaza, the Los Angeles high-rise used as the location for the terrorist movie Die Hard.

JANUARY 1989

1/3/89

Michael Dukakis announces that he will not seek re-election as Governor of Massachusetts in 1990. He does not rule out another race for the presidency, though millions of Democrats rule it out for him.

1/4/89

With tension mounting over the possible production of chemical weapons in Libya, US Navy warplanes shoot down two Libyan fighter jets. President Reagan, it is announced, was awakened at 2:53 a.m. with the news.

1/5/89

The Reagans return to the White House for the last time, with the President having spent a total of 458 days of his reign in California.

1/9/89

President Reagan delivers his final budget. Though the nation's 17 nuclear weapons plants have been so carelessly maintained as to present a public health threat, he calls for under $1 billion to start their $138 billion rehabilitation.

1/11/89

"All great change in America begins at the dinner table. So tomorrow night in the kitchen, I hope the talking begins. And children, if your parents haven't been teaching you what it means to be an American, let 'em know and nail 'em on it. That would be a very American thing to do."

--President Reagan taking the opportunity of his farewell speech to the nation to suggest that children should monitor their parents for sufficient patriotism

1/15/89

In a 60 Minutes interview airing on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, President Reagan – again citing his half-century- old support for desegregation of baseball as proof of his commitment to equality – suggests that many civil rights leaders are just using racism to promote themselves. "Sometimes I wonder if they really want what they say they want," he says, pointing out that they are "doing very well leading organizations based on keeping alive the feeling that they're victims of prejudice."

1/15/89

Roger Sandler, who claims he is owed $1,500 for the unauthorized and uncredited use of two of his photos in Michael Reagan's book, finds a message from the President's son on his answering machine: "I hope your fucking family dies in a plane crash with you in it."

1/17/89

"We found that the independent counsel's report far from vindicates Mr. Meese; rather, it details conduct which should not be tolerated of any government employee, especially not the attorney general of the United States."

--Justice Department report on the ethics of Ed Meese

1/18/89

Washington Post: REAGAN REJECTS JUSTICE DEPT. CRITICISM OF MEESE / PRESIDENT BELIEVES REPORT MAY BE WORK OF 'POLITICAL ENEMIES,' WHITE HOUSE SAYS

1/18/89

President Reagan greets the undefeated Notre Dame team at the White House, where he is presented with George Gipp's actual monogrammed sweater, to the fury of alumni who feel it belongs at the University and not in the possession of an actor whose sentimental portrayal of Gipp had little to do with the hard-drinking, profane, carousing character he actually was.

1/18/89

New York Times: REAGAN'S RATING IS BEST SINCE 40'S FOR A PRESIDENT / FINAL APPROVAL IS AT 68% / POPULARITY OF 8-YEAR TENURE HAS MARKEDLY INCREASED TRUST IN GOVERNMENT

1/19/89

"He has got this deep compassion for people ... I have never seen anybody that is just as committed to people as George Bush is. Now, that's the kind of Administration he's gonna have."

--Dan Quayle on CBS This Morning

1/19/89

The Reagans spend their last night in the White House. So, despite Nancy's long-ago offer of altruism, they didn't move out early, after all.

1/20/89

As his wife – decked out in a little blue sailor's hat – looks on, Dan Quayle takes as much of the Vice Presidential oath of office as Justice Sandra Day O'Connor (who leaves out six words) administers to him. He assumes office nonetheless, assuring the nation, at best, four years of vague unease. George Bush, who has spent the past eight years "blindly" supporting his President, implies in his inaugural address that maybe the greed and materialism has gotten a bit out of hand. "A new breeze is blowing," says the new President. "The new breeze blows." As the Reagans depart, the backwash of their helicopter blows the little blue sailor's hat right off Marilyn Quayle's head.

At 3:30 p.m. the Reagans' last official flight on a presidential jet ends at Los Angeles International Airport. As a fitting ending to their glamorous reign, they are welcomed home by mega-star Rich Little. When Little claims that imitating Reagan gave him a "terrible urge to run off with Nancy," the former First Lady throws her head back in supposedly helpless laughter.

The former President jokes that he'd been asked to appear in "a remake of Bedtime for Bonzo – only this time they wanted me to play Bonzo." He promises to "keep on campaigning out there on the mashed-potato circuit" for those same causes that so captivated the voters during his tenure: the line-item veto and the balanced budget amendment. Little then presents them with enormous California license plates – "THE PREZ" and "F L NANCY" – to add to their collection of absurdly oversized props. Finally, after eight years as a President and his First Lady, the Reagans wave to their fans, climb into their limo and head for the Bel Air home their friends have bought for them, at 666 St. Cloud.

EPILOGUE

On November 5, 1994, Ronald Reagan releases a handwritten letter to the public revealing that he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. (His son Ron later writes that he believes the early stages of the disease were setting in by 1987, and more than a few viewers of the 1984 debates would move that date back a few years.) He dies on June 5, 2004, almost four months after the 54th anniversary of his 39th birthday.

APPENDIX

THE CRITICS SPEAK

"Ronald Reagan is merely an anthology of the worst of American popular culture, edited for television."

-- Media critic Mark Crispin Miller

"An amiable dunce."

--Former Defense Secretary Clark Clifford

"God, he's a bore. And a bad actor. Besides, he has a low order of intelligence. With a certain cunning. And not animal cunning. Human cunning. Animal cunning is too fine an expression for him. He's inflated, he's egotistical. He's one of those people who thinks he's right. And he's not right. He's not right about anything."

--Director John Huston

"Look at the Reagan of the 1930s: a no-talent jerk with looks, charm, and a line of blarney who talks himself into one cushy job after another ... Then come the 1950s. In return for his manful anti-communistical efforts in the screen actors' union, the pimps, procurers, and purveyors of popular culture who own stage, screen and radio arrange for him to be paid off with a job selling General Electric toasters on TV and smarmy right-wing politics on the chicken-croquette circuit. How humiliating to think of this unlettered, self-assured bumpkin being our president."

--Journalist Nicholas von Hoffman

"I would never refuse an assignment unless it completely repelled me. In 1980, a national magazine asked me to go to Santa Barbara to photograph the President[-elect] at his ranch. Well, I hate Santa Barbara and, far worse, I hate Reagan. I can't ignore my feelings and just make a pretty picture."

--Photographer Ansel Adams

"It takes deep bravery to be fearless about one's own hypocrisy. Politicians of average duplicity cower at being found out. Not Reagan."

--Columnist Colman McCarthy

"If we told Reagan to walk outside, turn around three times, pick up an acorn, and throw it out to the crowd, we'd be lucky to get a question from him asking, 'Why?'"

--Unnamed White House aide

"He's melting. No one's noticed yet, but he is melting. We're talking about a semi-solid mass with dark hair. If the Democrats had come out and just said, 'He's melting,' I think they would have done much better."

--Actress/writer Carrie Fisher

"A high-powered cheerleader for our worst instincts, a nasty man whose major talent is to make us feel good about being creepy and who lets us pretend that tomorrow will never come."

--Activist Roger Wilkins

"His answer to any questions about young men being killed for some vague and perhaps non-existent reason in Central America has been to smile, nod, wave a hand and walk on. And America applauds, thus proving that senility is a communicable disease."

--Columnist Jimmy Breslin

"Poor dear, there's nothing between his ears."

--British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

"I dig the cat. He's spontaneous. A lot of times he'll blurt stuff out – I can relate to that."

--Van Halen replacement lead singer Sammy Hagar

"Reagan swaggering around. Poor old thing! He's about as masculine as Marjorie Main. He was never a symbol of masculinity – though he sort of plays it ... There is something rather grandmotherly about Reagan. And then again, he's rather boyish. Between the two, he comes off as non-threatening ... He isn't popular. There isn't anything about his policies anybody likes. The pollsters' questions are so dumb: 'Do you find him a nice old thing who makes you feel good when he honks away on the box?' 'Yes, he's a nice old thing who makes me feel good when he honks away on the box.' Well, that isn't an endorsement of war in Nicaragua."

--Author Gore Vidal

"His errors glide past unchallenged ... The general message of the American press is that, yes, while it is perfectly true that the emperor has no clothes, nudity is actually very acceptable this year."

--British journalist Simon Hoggart

"He was truly one of the strangest men who's ever lived. Nobody around him understood him ... Every person I interviewed, almost without exception, eventually would say, 'You know, I could never really figure him out.'"

--Biographer Edmund Morris

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I am beyond grateful for all of the friends and colleagues – too numerous to list here but they know who they are – who endured and/or joined in my ranting over the years about the main characters in this book.

Special thanks to Robbie Conal for the use of his brilliant portrait; Adrienne Martin for the cover design; Kristina Romero for the book design; and my wife Liz Dubelman and VidLit Press for resurrecting the book and bringing it into the e-book era.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Slansky's profiles, essays, and humor pieces have appeared in The New Yorker (where his scathing political quizzes were a regular feature throughout the years of the Bush coup d'etat), The New York Observer, The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, Newsweek, The New Republic, Rolling Stone, The Village Voice, Playboy, Esquire and dozens of other publications. Several of his pieces have been collected in anthologies, among them White Noise: The Eminem Collection; Very Seventies: A Cultural History of the 1970s, From the Pages of Crawdaddy; and The I Hate George W. Bush Reader. He worked as an editor at New Times magazine and The Soho Weekly News (both long defunct), and currently blogs for The Huffington Post. He created the weekly news index format for Time.com in 2008. He is the co-writer of the feature film Picture Perfect (1997), and co-creator of the NBC situation comedy Fired Up (1997-98). His first e-book, The Year of Living Shamelessly, was published in December 2010.

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Table of Contents

THE CLOTHES HAVE NO EMPEROR

COPYRIGHT

ALSO BY PAUL SLANSKY

DEDICATION

EPIGRAPH

INTRODUCTION

1980-1981

PROLOGUE

NOVEMBER 1980

DECEMBER 1980

JANUARY 1981

FEBRUARY 1981

MARCH 1981

APRIL 1981

MAY 1981

JUNE 1981

JULY 1981

AUGUST 1981

SEPTEMBER 1981

OCTOBER 1981

NOVEMBER 1981

DECEMBER 1981

1982

JANUARY 1982

FEBRUARY 1982

MARCH 1982

APRIL 1982

MAY 1982

JUNE 1982

JULY 1982

AUGUST 1982

SEPTEMBER 1982

OCTOBER 1982

NOVEMBER 1982

DECEMBER 1982

1983

JANUARY 1983

FEBRUARY 1983

MARCH 1983

APRIL 1983

MAY 1983

JUNE 1983

JULY 1983

AUGUST 1983

SEPTEMBER 1983

OCTOBER 1983

NOVEMBER 1983

DECEMBER 1983

1984

JANUARY 1984

FEBRUARY 1984

MARCH 1984

APRIL 1984

MAY 1984

JUNE 1984

JULY 1984

AUGUST 1984

SEPTEMBER 1984

OCTOBER 1984

NOVEMBER 1984

DECEMBER 1984

1985

JANUARY 1985

FEBRUARY 1985

MARCH 1985

APRIL 1985

MAY 1985

JUNE 1985

JULY 1985

AUGUST 1985

SEPTEMBER 1985

OCTOBER 1985

NOVEMBER 1985

DECEMBER 1985

1986

JANUARY 1986

FEBRUARY 1986

MARCH 1986

APRIL 1986

MAY 1986

JUNE 1986

JULY 1986

AUGUST 1986

SEPTEMBER 1986

OCTOBER 1986

NOVEMBER 1986

DECEMBER 1986

1987

JANUARY 1987

FEBRUARY 1987

MARCH 1987

APRIL 1987

MAY 1987

JUNE 1987

JULY 1987

AUGUST 1987

SEPTEMBER 1987

OCTOBER 1987

NOVEMBER 1987

DECEMBER 1987

1988-1989

JANUARY 1988

FEBRUARY 1988

MARCH 1988

APRIL 1988

MAY 1988

JUNE 1988

JULY 1988

AUGUST 1988

SEPTEMBER 1988

OCTOBER 1988

NOVEMBER 1988

DECEMBER 1988

JANUARY 1989

EPILOGUE

APPENDIX: THE CRITICS SPEAK

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

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