THE DIRTY OLD MAN’S COOKBOOK

BY HONEST JOHN

www.gotchasecretarial.com

1645 E. Missouri, Ste. 420

Phoenix, AZ 85016

NO PART OF THIS BOOK may be reproduced in any form or by any means (electronically or mechanically, including photocopy, recording or any information retrieval system) without written permission of the author.  The author has full ownership and legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

All Rights Reserved

FORWARD

Our father, John Anderson, was a self-made man who experienced life to the fullest.  No one ever said Honest John was shy and retiring.  Once you sat at a gin table with him, you learned many colorful phrases while probably losing the farm.

When he “retired”, he decided to write a cookbook – he was a great cook and Betty, our mom, was a great cleaner-upper (the Chef was not afraid to use an abundance of pots, pans, dishes and mixing utensils.)

You will enjoy his writing as well as the recipes, but be aware, some of the recipes do not have specific measurements, so pour yourself a glass of wine and go with the flow.  Enjoy!

Table of Contents

Prologue              1

About the Author              4

Bah-b-cue              7

Meat              29

Chicken              75

Seafood              91

Pasta              139

Vegetables & Salads              159

Tips and Mish Mash              187

Prologue

This cookbook is written by a guy who, while not exactly over the hill, can at least see over the top.

I’m sure that our reader(s) are aware that there has been from time immemorial, or is the word immoral, or at least for a while, three basic indoor sports:

1. Drinking

2. Eating

3. Making love

Lately some people have attempted to add T.V. watching, but it doesn’t qualify.  The only exercise you get watching T.V. is running to the bathroom to throw-up, because that sadistic program director scheduled an anti-diarrhea commercial and a hemorrhoid commercial back to back just as you sat down to dinner.

Anyhow, the order of importance of 1, 2, and 3 in life runs like this:

to age 4:                            #1, #2, #3

4 to 26:                                          #2, #1, #3

26 to 40:                            #3, #1, #2

40 to 60:                            #2, #3 (braggart), #1

60 and up:                            #1, #2, with

intermittent memories of #3

So, one day I was sitting at the Club, number oneing and number twoing and reminiscing about number three, when I decided to write this book.  With visions of book publishers lined up and with Julia Child, Craig Claiborne and James Beard denouncing me as unfair, I started.

If I offend anyone, I’m sorry for you, ‘cause you probably go through life in a perpetual huff anyway.  If you get a chuckle out of it or a good meal, I’m happy.

If you don’t like it, “Frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn”.

About the Author

Honest John is an old country boy, born in Texas, raised in Louisiana, who went back to Texas A&M to get a degree.  He had to put up with tea sippers from Texas U, silk stocking boys from SMU, smart alecks from Rice, hog callers from Arkansas, and Aggie jokes from everybody.

Despite this travail, he graduated and went up north where he got married, got fat, and got children.

Finally he went to Europe where he

1. taught a Turk to like Boston baked beans.

2. convinced a Greek that good food didn’t have to be hidden in lemon juice.

3. introduced corn on the cob, cornbread and barbecued spareribs to southern Italy.

4. showed a Frenchman how to make chili.

5. got at least one Englishman to put some hot pepper seasoning in his boiled vegetables.

He also learned

1. from the French that escargots are delicious.

2. from the Danes how good herring is.

3. that lamb eyes and couscous are for somebody else.

4. that California wines are consistently better than French wines.

5. that you can eat spaghetti without making the sauce out of hamburger and tomato sauce.

6. how to really cook and enjoy veal.

7. that the United States is the greatest country in the world.

Now he’s out in Arizona oneing, twoing, and sometimes threeing!

Chapter One

I really wanted to start with Chapter III.  Just think how much hell would have been raised in the unlikely event anybody bought the book, went home, opened it and Chapter I and II were missing.  He’d raise hell with the bookstore, who would scream at his distributor, who would complain to the publisher, and that’s the S.O.B.  I’m after, but he sneaked this heading in on me!

Bah-B-Cue

I suppose most of you call it barbecue, but no self-respecting suthena would ever think of pronouncing the “r”.

Now I’m sure you’ve all been invited to a bah-b-cue and when eating time comes, assuming old Jack Daniels hadn’t slugged you or Pierre Smirnoff hadn’t snuck up on you, you were handed a plate of totally unrecognizable mish-mash, smelling of wood smoke, floating in grease and surrounded by soupy beans loaded with chili-powder, probably accompanied with a dish of wilted cabbage soaked in god-knows-what and called “slaw”.

On the other hand, bah-b-cue properly prepared, lovingly attended and properly served is one of the rare joys of life.  Not to be compared with screwing, but right up there with thinking about it.

There are 4 grades of barbe (oops) bah-b-cue.  They are classified as:

TI-1                            totally inedible

TI-2                            totally indigestible

TI-3                            totally indestructible

TI-4                            totally incomparable

TI-1 is usually found in chain food joints.  It is made by taking 4-day old roast beef that was pretty lousy to start with, grinding or shredding it, dumping it into a pot with some tomato puree, a few drops of liquid smoke, maybe 5 drops of hot sauce and a sneering “let them eat that”.

TI-1 can be recognized by the black edges or particles in the meat, the gluey consistency of the camouflage and the revolting taste if you are adventurous enough to taste it.  However, I suggest instead that if you are served some TI-1, that you repair quietly to the restroom, relieve your obvious nausea and proceed immediately to the nearest bar for recuperative doses of old Jack or Johnny W., or Pierre’s elixir, or maybe some of Mr. Seagram’s V.O.  If the delay from the table, to the john, to the oasis is not too long, you may survive.  However, medical sources report that consistent exposure to TI-1 is dangerous to your health and may be fatal.

TI-2 is more insidious.  It is usually prepared by a well-meaning but totally inept little old lady in a tearoom or coffee shop atmosphere.

She gets the recipe out of a book, uses 20 kinds of spices, probably buys beef chuck or pork shoulder, doesn’t cook it enough and serves it prettily.  Beware – the danger is in delayed action.  You may have swallowed several bites, (particularly if slightly mellowed by Johnny W. or friends) before the sudden accumulated weight inside sounds the warning.

You must immediately stop eating, struggle to your feet, approach the nearest Samaritan who can supply you with Alka-Seltzer, take a dose and go somewhere where it’s quiet and lie down.

If you are fortunate, by morning it will only be a horrible memory.

But remember, never, never finish the serving with the idea that it can’t get any worse.  Believe me, it can!  Why, I had an uncle once who was foolhardy enough to eat a full plate of TI-2 and while everybody spoke well of him at the services, they did feel that he was very foolhardy and that it was a shame he was cut down in his prime.

TI-3 is dangerous in a different way.

The chances of your eating enough TI-3 to harm you aren’t high.  The danger with TI-3 is bodily injury.

TI-3 is usually a large hunk of tough meat, a bunch of big beef ribs or a side or two of pork ribs cooked outside over some backyard arsonist’s idea of an open pit barbecue.

It’s either raw when you get it or so black that it should demand protection under the equal rights amendment.

In either case, you may be subject to the following injuries:

1. Broken teeth

2. Shortened fingers due to knife slippage

3. Broken legs due to falling over chair trying to dodge skidding chunk as you try to cut it.

There are only two ways to survive:

1. Don’t go

2. Arrive with one arm in a sling, your jaws taped shut just enough to prevent eating but not drinking, and explain sadly that you absolutely adore BBQ but you are on a liquid diet.

If you are unaware that it is TI-3 until you arrive, excuse yourself, call the hospital and alert the emergency room, bring your first aid kit from the car, and latch on to the doctor in the group (there’s always a doctor at every outdoor bash) and have a couple of extra visits with Pierre et al.  All of this might tend to discourage you about BBQ, but don’t let it.  TI-4 is worth all the risk, the traumas, the scorched tongues, the soggy slaw and the incessant braggadocio of every BBQ chef you ever met.

As tender as a lady’s bosom

As sweet tasting as her luscious lips

As delicate as her kindest touch

Yet as lusty as last night’s rendezvous

That’s TI-4

Whether it’s Beef Ribs in Red Sauce (in Meat section), Port Shoulder in Hickory Sauce (in Meat section), Brisket of Beef Texas Style, Flank Steak the J Square Way (See Table of Contents – in future - ToC), Chicken Lemon Bah-B-Cue (ToC), or many other variations, they’re well worth the effort to prepare (in most cases easier than TI-1, 2, and 3), and they are easy to serve and generally very well accepted by everyone.

Red Sauce

A basic red-type sauce for beef, pork or broiler halves is as follows: (incidentally, this recipe is for about enough sauce for servings for 4 or 6.  However, you can double or triple it and freeze the balance.  It also keeps well in the refrigerator for 1, 2, or 3 weeks if stored in an airtight jar).

Cooking oil – 2 T.

Ground cloves – 2 t.

Dried minced onions – ¼ cup

Chili powder – 2 T.

Whole mustard seeds – 2 T.

Vinegar – 3 T.

Lemon – ½

Dry or red wine

1 bottle prepared BBQ sauce

1 – 6 ounce can tomato puree

2 T. brown sugar

Liquid smoke – 6 drops or more to taste.

Heat slowly, stirring frequently.  When thoroughly blended, add one bottle of prepared barbecue sauce (any of them are o.k., they just don’t season them properly).

Bring to a simmer, add two tablespoons of brown sugar, a few or a lot of drops of Tabasco® to taste.  If the sauce is for beef, add a cup of dry red wine.  If it is for pork or chicken, add a cup of dry white wine.

Don’t ask me why, but it does seem to work.  However, if you only have red for pork or chicken, be my guest!

Oh yes, cut a lemon in half, squeeze the juice of a half into the sauce, then throw the half in the pot.  It improves the flavor.

This sauce is used for basting in certain recipes, is always served hot at the table and can be used later to cover and simmer leftovers for a delightful sandwich.

Meats that lend themselves to barbecuing:

chuck roasts or steaks

beef ribs

pork chops

lamb shanks

broiler halves                                                        brisket of beef

flank steak                                                                      eye of round

rump roast

Caution!  Each one requires different preparation, so check recipes before starting.  Special Baked Beans (ToC) go great with BBQ.  Well made crisp coleslaw or a salad of sliced tomatoes and raw onions dressed with oregano, oil and vinegar, salt and pepper goes great.

Sour dough or French bread to “sop” is standard.

Remember, it’s bah-b-cue, not barbecue, as my esteemed brother-in-law always said, “bah-b-cue ain’t bah-b-cue less’n it’s hot!”

Brisket of Beef Texas

6-8 lbs. brisket of beef

2 bay leaves

2 cloves garlic

2 T. chili powder

1 large onion peeled and quartered

Salt and 12 peppercorns

3 T. Worcestershire sauce

Basic red barbecue sauce

Wash brisket, put in a large pot with all ingredients except BBQ sauce.  Bring to boil and boil for several hours until fork pierces with some effort.  Do not overcook.  Remove from pot.  Place on a rack in roasting pan.  Baste both sides with red sauce and roast in 350-degree oven, basting frequently until fork tender.

Slice, serve with additional sauce, American fried potatoes and/or baked beans and beer!

You may cook on outdoor grill after boiling.  Just be careful it doesn’t char.

Flank Steak J Square

Wash, chill and thinly slice a flank steak.  Cover with basic red BBQ sauce, put in pre-heated 350-degree oven for 10 minutes or until bubbling, remove and serve on warmed bun with slice of raw onion, pickles, French fried potatoes and beer.

BBQ Eye of Round, Chuck Roast or Rump

Prepare as brisket except use tenderizer, per directions, boil only until slightly tender, then roast at 325 degrees basting frequently with red sauce for longer period.

Roast Possum

There is a cult in the south that in any discussion regarding food, always asks, (particularly if most everyone present is a Yankee), “Have you ever had roast ‘possum’?  Boy, is it good.”

Well, I hate to think what would happen if I served them some roast “possum” and insist they eat it.

However, I have eaten it and it is good.  Actually tastes like young pork – so you ask, why not eat pork and I say, why not!  But if you want to eat possum, here’s how you go about it:

First, you have to get a possum!  Now this ain’t easy.

You should take a trip to possum country – Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia or the Carolinas.  Then you have to get acquainted with someone who will take you possum hunting.  You hunt possum as follows:

1. Buy at least a gallon of white lightning, preferably in quart fruit jars.

2. Get a whole passel of coon dogs.  Yes, you hunt possum with coon dogs – you also hunt coons with coon dogs, coon is southern for raccoon.  In fact, sometimes you end up hunting coon dogs with coon dogs.

3. Take along a few sandwiches in case you get lost.

4. Get about eight guys, at least two or more who know what they are doing, then about dark, go to the woods.

5. Build a big fire, suck on the fruit jar and turn the dogs loose.

6. Sit around the fire, lying to each other, sipping white lightning and listen for the dogs to hit a trail.

If you are lucky, they won’t find anything and about midnight, you can go home, drunk and happy.

But if you are unlucky, they’ll find a trail and finally, they’ll tree something.  It may be a coon, a possum or a bobcat.  If it’s a bobcat, go away quietly – they’re mean.

In the old days, some of the eager beavers would cut the tree down to get to whatever was treed, but the conservationists frown on this.

So you try to shake him out, scare him out or shoot him out.  If it’s a coon and he drops out into the dogs, you’ll see the damndest fight you ever saw.

If it’s a possum, you may have to go up the tree after him and get bitten if you aren’t careful.  Tip: there’s always one show-off who’ll go up, so let him do it.

Now you have a live possum, put the live possum in a cage or ventilated box that it cannot gnaw or scratch out of, and water and feed it for a week or so before killing the critter.  A possum will eat well in captivity.  Feed the critter on baked sweet potatoes and ripe apples and give it plenty of water for a week or so to condition it for best eating purposes.

After a week or so, kill it.  Clean it, removing all intestines, etc.  Then scrape it – now this is fun!  At about this point, you wish you’d never heard of a possum.

After it’s clean inside and out, stuff the body cavity with dressing – any kind that turns you on.  Sew it up (isn’t this fun?) and roast in a medium oven, basting with a mixture of salt water and vinegar.  Dip a cloth in the greasy drippings and rub it several times.

After possum is tender and well done, remove to a platter and place a baked apple in its mouth.  Make gravy with the drippings and flour.

Serve possum with baked potatoes and white wine.

You’re gonna eat that?!

Chapter Two

Meat

It has been a theory of mine for a couple of decades that the quality of beef offered for consumption has declined.  I have dedicated at least 10 minutes a month to studying that problem every now and then, and “eureka – I have found out why”.

It’s so simple I wonder why someone hasn’t thought of it before; it’s “artificial insemination”.  As a proponent of pure physical procreation, I can imagine the feeling of frustration that besets the male members of the cattle industry who make love to a test tube, and the multiple frustrations of a bunch of virgin (in the true sense of the word) cows who go through all that hell of being pregnant, the pain of giving birth, and then have the offspring hauled away to be put in a feed lot!  And all without the fun of getting diddled even one time!  The traumatic effect of these combined frustrations carried on for generation after generation could very easily destroy the meat eaters and leave this world in the hands of the vegetarians!

The continued eating of sterile meat from unsatisfied beef, pork and lamb animals could very well create such a situation!  Why, it might even remove the desire to practice procreation from humans, not to mention the ability to try!

Our robust race of “whiskey” loving, “food” loving, and “loving” loving people would vanish and the broccoli, cauliflower

and rutabaga eaters, not to mention the “alfalfa sprout” eaters and the “pine nut” nuts, would have the world left to themselves.

That ain’t no bull!

I think we should organize right now the “Society for the Preservation of Physical Procreation in the Domestic Animal World”, or SPPPDAW.  What slogans!

“A happy bull is a loving bull”

“We feed only calves from contented

cows”

“Old bulls need loving too”

“Virgin cows belong in the Virgin Islands”

“Down with synthetic screwing”

“Test tubes are for germs”

“Fallopian tubes are for sperms”

“Eating a steak from a steer without love

is like kissing your mother-in-law”

“Artificial insemination is for the birds,

not the bulls”

Can you imagine a lamb sired from a test tube following Mary?  Or even another girl lamb?

So down with doing it the artificial way;

Let’s go back to a jump in the hay;

The animals will have a helluva time;

And we’ll get meat for the table that’s prime!

Bull

Some people call it beef, but it’s all bull or at least most of it.  Whoever heard of a “beefdog” or a “beef in a china shop” or, for that matter, beef s—t don’t sound quite right either!  You might get a little cow meat in canned corned beef, but most cows are dedicated to a life of “threeing” with the bull so as to improve the supply of bull for the table.  Of course, there’s veal, which is a poor innocent young calf cut off in the prime of life so we can enjoy scaloppini al marsala, or veal piccata or saltimbocca, etc.

I’m assuming that you haven’t reached the post-puberty or mid part of your prime “number three” lifespan without knowing how to broil or grill a steak, but here are a few tips.

Steak

- DON’T OVERLOOK A BONELESS TOP SIRLOIN AS A GOOD STEAK FOR GRILLING.

- NEVER BARBEQUE A GOOD STEAK.  PUTTING ALL THAT SAUCE ON A GOOD STEAK IS LIKE PUTTING WHIPPED CREAM ON MANURE – YOU’LL RUIN THEM BOTH.

- TURN THE STEAK SEVERAL TIMES ON THE GRILL.  IT’LL SEAR IT AND KEEP THE JUICES IN.

- You can buy from Al Farber’s Steak Room in Chicago a product called Char-broil that sprinkled on the

steak before grilling adds a great deal to the flavor and keeps the juices in.  The address is:

Glen Hall Brands**

Division of Al Farbers, Inc.

2300 North Lincoln Parkway

Chicago, IL 60606

(Editor’s Note:  Our dad wrote this many years ago, so who knows if Al is still around.  If he is, go for it, cuz if Dad says it’s good – it is!!!)

- I USUALLY PUT A COUPLE OF DROPS OF LIQUID GARLIC ON MINE BUT THAT’S A MATTER OF TASTE.

London Broil

- FLANK STEAK MAKES A SUPER LONDON BROIL.  SEASON IT, BROIL IT TO A RARE STATE, SLICE VERY THIN ACROSS THE GRAIN AND SERVE WITH POTATOES “ROSTI”, SLICED TOMATOES DRESSED WITH A LITTLE OIL AND VINEGAR, SALT, PEPPER AND OREGANO AND A BOTTLE OF LOUIS MARTINI BARBERA RED WINE.

- NEVER HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH PEOPLE WHO EAT THEIR STEAK MEDIUM WELL DONE OR WELL DONE, ESPECIALLY IF IT’S SOME CHICK YOU ARE TRYING TO SET UP FOR A 1-2-3 EVENING.  CHANCES ARE SHE WON’T TAKE A CHANCE AND IF SHE DOES, YOU’LL PROBABLY REGRET IT.  MOST PEOPLE WHO EAT THEIR MEAT WELL DONE ARE STOLID, CONSERVATIVE AND DULL.  NOW THAT’S THE RESULT OF WHAT I CALL A “MOTHER-IN-LAW” TYPE SURVEY.  YOU POLL TWO PEOPLE, ONE OF WHICH IS PROBABLY YOUR M-I-L AND THE OTHER THE POSTMAN OR THE BARTENDER.  FROM THIS, YOU FORM A COMPLETELY IRREVERSIBLE OPINION AND PROCEED TO EXPOUND ON THIS THEORY AND PROCEED AS IF IT WERE IRREFUTABLE FACT.

Since my mother-in-law passed on, I have been sorely handicapped in my polling activities.

Roast Beef

For a better flavored standing rib roast, rub it well all over with salt and pepper before you roast.  Roast at 325 degrees for 22 minutes per pound for medium rare.

Tip for Two

It’s scandalous to roast a two or three rib roast for two people.  But there is a solution.  Have the butcher cut a one rib roast with as much meat on it as possible.  Freeze it.  When you are ready to cook it, take it out of the freezer, set it in a pan, fat side up, rub it with salt and pepper and keep it upright by putting a large baking potato (washed of course) on each side like a bookend.

Roast for about an hour and a half or more, until the potatoes are done.  When the potatoes are done, the roast is medium rare and ready to eat.

Beef Ribs

There are two kinds of beef ribs – short ribs and the longer rib that is sometimes called beef back rib or barbeque ribs.  The short ribs are not very good barbequed, but are delicious when cooked this way:

Short Ribs (braised)

6 meaty short ribs

1 bay leaf

Flour

One can whole peeled tomatoes

Dry red wine

1 chopped onion

2 dried red peppers

Salt and pepper

Roll ribs in flour and brown in hot oil in Dutch oven or heavy pot.  Add chopped onion, pepper and bay leaf.  When onion is golden, add canned tomatoes and juice.  Add dried red peppers, salt and pepper and one cup dry red wine.

Cover and cook for a couple of hours or until tender.  Add more wine if needed.

We serve them with boiled egg noodles and put the ribs on top of the noodles and the cooking sauce over all.  Serve with crusty French bread, romaine with vinaigrette dressing and a good cabernet sauvignon or pinot noir.

Bar-B-Cue Ribs

Have about 3 ribs per person.  Wash them, then put in a large pot, cover with water, bring to a boil, then cook gently for about 20 to 30 minutes.  In the meantime, prepare the barbeque sauce.  This recipe will make enough for two meals of 12 ribs each.  You can double it if you wish and keep it for several weeks in a sealed jar in the refrigerator or freeze in air-tight containers, and it will keep indefinitely.

In a large pan or pot, put the following ingredients:

2 T. ground cloves

2 T. mustard seed

4 T. dried minced onion

2 T. olive oil or cooking oil

2 T. vinegar

2 T. chili powder

1 T. Wright’s liquid smoke, (or a little more if you like strong smoke flavor)

2 T. Hoisin sauce

2 T. soy sauce

2 T. brown sugar

Juice one lemon and put the lemon halves right in the pan after you squeeze them.

2 T. of Worcestershire sauce.  Add Tabasco® to taste.  About a tsp. will lend it spice but not make it too hot for even the mildest taste.

Add two bottles of any of the prepared barbeque sauces and one large can of tomato juice.  Bring to a boil, stir well, then simmer for at least ½ hour, longer if possible.

Remove and dry the ribs, put them in a glass baking dish or a Teflon lined oven pan.  Baste on both sides liberally with the barbeque sauce and put into a 325 degree oven.  Baste with additional sauce every 10 minutes until the meat when pierced with a fork is extremely tender.  Turn on the broil unit for about 3 minutes to crisp the outside, remove and serve.

Serve with Honest John’s baked beans, recipe in vegetable section, coleslaw made with Marzetti® dressing and cold beer.

If you wish to cook the ribs on the outdoor grill, boil the ribs a little longer since the grill will be hotter and will char the meat if left on too long.  Truthfully, they are better if cooked indoors.

Budget Baked Bull Steak

This is a good budget helper that still is very tasty and easy to prepare.

Buy a piece of round or top round steak about 1½ to 2 inches thick.

Wash and wipe it, sprinkle with Adolph’s® seasoned tenderizer according to the instructions.  Place in a baking dish and cover the entire surface with medium slices of onion.  Then cover the onions with thin slices of lemon including the rind.

Over this, pour two cups (or more if needed) of the following sauce:

1½ cups of catsup, ½ cup of Worcestershire sauce and ¼ cup of water, well mixed.

Bake in a 325 degree oven until tender when pierced with a fork.

Remove, discard the lemon, put the onion and the gravy in a bowl, cut the meat into 2” slices and serve.

Accompany with American fried potatoes (See ToC), apple salad with lemon-mayonnaise dressing and a good Liebfraumilch or a Rhine wine.

Beef Stew

3 lbs. stew meat in 1 inch cubes

Flour

Bay leaf

Cooking oil

One chopped onion

1 clove garlic, chopped

6 small potatoes, peeled

2 carrots, peeled and cut into 4 pieces

6 small boiling onions, peeled

2 dried red peppers or two large ones

Red wine

Beef broth or bouillon

Worcestershire sauce

Salt and pepper

In a Dutch oven or heavy pot pour in small amount of cooking oil and brown stew meat.  Add chopped onion, garlic and crumbled bay leaf.  When onions are golden, add one cup beef broth or bouillon.  Add two dried peppers and 2 T. Worcestershire sauce.  Salt and pepper generously.

Cover and cook for one hour.  Remove cover, add potatoes, onions, carrots and one cup red wine or more if needed for liquid.  Cover and cook 30 minutes.

Remove cover, thicken with flour to desired consistency and serve in bowls accompanied by hot French bread and red wine, slightly chilled.

Hungarian Goulash

4 lbs. lean beef cubed

2 large onions, chopped

4 T. Hungarian paprika

½ t. cayenne

2 t. butter

4 large tomatoes

4 green peppers

2 strips salt pork

4 peppercorns

Salt

1 small bay leaf

Have 4 lbs. lean beef (round, rump, etc.) cut in 1 to 1½ inch cubes.

In large heavy iron pot, sauté chopped onion in butter until golden brown.  Remove from heat and add paprika and blend.  Return to medium heat and add meat.  Brown meat well on all sides.  Cut tomatoes into eighths and add to pot coarsely chopped peppers.  Add salt, peppercorns, cayenne and bay leaf.

Put salt pork on top and cover with lid.  Simmer for about 2 hours without ever removing the lid.  Shake the pot to stir, but do not open!  If meat is tough, cook longer.

Serve with boiled noodles, warm French bread and tossed romaine salad.  A good dry red wine goes well with this, as does beer.

Beef Kabobs

3 lbs. top round, sirloin, etc., cut

8 large mushrooms, cleaned and in 1½” thick cubes (16 pieces)              stemmed

8 small tomatoes

8 small boiling onions, peeled and boiled 3 minutes

1 large bell pepper (cut in quarters, and then in half)

Marinating and basting sauce:

1/8 cup sherry

1/8 cup soy sauce

2 T. vinegar

½ cup red wine

½ t. garlic salt

1 T. dried or fresh chopped onion

2 T. Worcestershire sauce

3 drops Tabasco®

Mix well – marinate meat at least two hours in mixture.

On long skewer place piece of meat, one small peeled onion, meat, mushroom, meat, tomato, bell pepper piece, onion, meat, mushroom.

Should have four pieces of meat and desired vegetables on each skewer.

Cook over low coals turning frequently and basting with marinade until cooked to desired doneness.

Serve with rice pilaf or boiled noodles, crisp green salad and wine.  Pita bread or flat bread goes well with this.  Heat remainder of marinade and serve with meal.

Corned Beef

6 lbs. corned beef brisket

2 bay leaves

1 large onion peeled and quartered

1 clove garlic peeled

2 ribs celery with tops chopped

¼ cup vinegar

Dijon mustard

Crabapple jelly or pepper jelly

Salt and pepper

Wash and wipe brisket.  Put in large pot with water to cover.  Add bay leaves, onion, garlic, celery, salt, pepper and vinegar.  Cook covered at slow boil until meat is slightly tender when poked with a fork.

Remove from pot, place on a rack in a roasting pan, fat side up, coat liberally with a mixture of Dijon mustard and jelly and roast at 325 degrees until tender.  Turn on broil unit for a couple of minutes to crisp the outside.

Remove and slice against grain.  Serve with boiled cabbage or chilled sauerkraut.  Black bread and beer go well with this.

Chili Texas Style

Dried ancho chiles, 4 per lb. of meat

3 lbs. coarsely chopped stew meat or round

1 T. oregano

3 pods garlic chopped

1 T. cumin

1 T. salt

4 onions peeled and chopped

1 t. Tabasco®

2 T. chili powder

2 T. masa flour

1 T. paprika

Wash peppers, remove stems and seeds.  Put in pot, cover with water and bring to a boil.  After ½ hour, remove from stove and grind peppers in blender in some of liquid they were boiled in – reserve ground pepper mix and balance of boiling liquid.

In heavy pot, sauté onions in oil until golden – add meat and salt, constantly stirring.  Add 2/3 of the ground peppers, some of the pepper liquid and enough water to come 2 inches above the meat.

Bring to a boil and simmer for 30 to 40 minutes.  Add oregano, cumin, garlic, salt, chili powder, Tabasco® and paprika if you want it very red.

Reheat to boil, then simmer for 45 minutes.  During this period, check for amount of “hotness” and add balance of peppers if desired.  Cayenne pepper may also be added if your taste demands total fire.  At end of 45 minutes, blend 2 T. masa flour with a bit of liquid and stir into chili.  Cook another half hour or so and serve.

Is even better if prepared today, reheated and served tomorrow.  Also freezes well.

Chili with Beans

If some Damn Yankee or unenlightened Arkansas razorback or Arizona roadrunner insists on having beans in his chili- heat a can of kidney beans in a separate pan, then put them in their bowls and spoon chili over the beans.  This way you don’t ruin it all, just theirs!

Brunswick Stew

1 stewing hen

3 lbs. stew meat

1 lb. onions, peeled and chopped

3 large potatoes peeled and chopped

2 cans tomatoes #2

2 cans cream style corn #2

1 can green peas #2

1 can lima beans #2

1½ - 14 oz. bottle catsup

1 bottle Lea & Perrins® Worcestershire

4 T. Tabasco®

2 T. salt

3 dried red peppers, crushed

Cook the hen and the meat until very tender; reserve liquid.  Skin and bone chicken and grind the chicken and beef with coarse blade.  Set aside.

Put potatoes and onions in reserved broth and cook until very soft.  Add meat, chicken and all other ingredients.  Cook on low heat for 2 to 3 hours until mixture is thick.  Add small amount of water if it becomes dry during cooking.  When done, it will have the consistency of thick mashed potatoes.

Serve with crisp salad, hot bread and white wine or beer.  May be frozen if not kept for more than 3 or 4 weeks.  Is good reheated next day.

Pork

I can remember when we would have a hog butchered every fall and like they say about today’s meat packers – we used everything but the squeal.

Country sausage, home-cured hams in our own smokehouse, bacon smoked to perfection, fresh side meat, hogshead cheese or souse, pork spare ribs, pickled pigs feet and tail, and roast pork loin and shoulder.

That kind of food has gone the way of the steam locomotive, the Model-T Ford and good ice cream – just a fond memory.

Ham

The last twenty years can best be classified as the period of “the decline and fall of the porcine empire”.  When the bureaucrats, the bleeding hearts and the meat packers got together and somehow decreed that all we could buy is synthetically cured, water-filled, pre-cooked plastic, they shot down the ham lovers.

Less than 20 years ago, I can remember my mother bringing home an Armour Star ham, uncooked, baking it for several hours with loving care, then serving it triumphantly with baked sweet potatoes, cold sliced tomatoes and heaping platters of hot biscuits fresh from the oven.  Then for breakfast, hot fried ham slices; then thick ham sandwiches; then ham and escalloped potatoes, and finally, put the bones and remaining meat in a big pot for pinto beans, as follows:

Ham And Pinto Beans

Use the leftover ham bones or buy the shank half of a ham and have the butcher split it in half and then split the halves in half.

For two people, use one of the quarters.  For four or more, use two quarters.

2 cups dried pinto beans

3 or 4 dried red peppers

1 onion cut in quarters

1 clove of garlic

1 quarter of shank half of ham

Salt and pepper

Large bay leaf

Water

Wash and pick over the beans.  Put all ingredients into a large pot with water to cover and about one and one-half inches more.  Boil briskly for about 30 minutes, then keep at a bubbling boil for 3 or 4 hours or until the beans are tender and the ham falls off the bone.  Correct the seasoning and serve.  Caution: don’t let the pot boil dry.  Beans when finished should be very moist but not soupy!

Serve with hot cornbread, pepper sauce and put a dish of chopped raw onions on the table to sprinkle over the beans.  A side plate of sliced cold tomatoes with a little Durkee’s® famous dressing on them and accompany with iced tea, buttermilk, regular milk or beer.

Today you can buy canned pre-cooked plastic ham, boneless pre-cooked water-added plastic ham, or you can buy a whole ham – pre-cooked water-added bone-in plastic ham.

Have you cut into one of these wonders of today’s scientific world lately?  Better do it over the sink so a drain is handy.

However, if you’re like I am, you gotta have ham!  And at six bucks a pound yet!

Baked Ham

Buy a 5 pound canned ham or a half ham-butt end with bone-in and coat it with a covering of pepper jelly (see below), and Dijon mustard mixed together at a ratio of 2 pepper jelly to 1 mustard.

Bake in a slow oven at 325 degrees for 25 min. per pound.

Hot Pepper Jelly

Grind enough hot peppers in blender along with ½ cup vinegar to make ¼ cup peppers when drained.  Combine ¼ cup ground hot peppers, ¾ cup ground bell or sweet peppers, 6½ cups sugar and 1½ cups cider vinegar and bring to a rolling boil.  Remove and let stand for 5 minutes.  Add 6 ounces of Certo and stir well.  Add red food coloring and pour into jars.  Seal with wax seals or if you’re going to use it immediately, just put in clean jars.

Pork Shoulder Barbeque

2 pork shoulder steaks per person cut about ½" thick

Red barbeque sauce (See ToC)

Marinate steaks in sauce for 30 minutes.  May be grilled over medium coals, turned and basted frequently or may be baked in 325 degree oven for 45 minutes or until tender, covered with red sauce.  Put under broiler for the last five minutes to brown.

Chinese Ribs

Have a side of ribs cut down the middle.

Marinate for 2 hours in sauce made of:

½ cup soy sauce

3 T.  honey

2 T. sherry wine

1 t. MSG

1 t. grated fresh ginger

1 T. oil

Pat dry and grill slowly over coals basting lightly with marinade.

Sweet and Sour Pork

1 lb. loin pork

3 green peppers

1 round onion (sliced)

1 carrot

1 bamboo shoot

2 slices pineapple (quartered)

5 T. oil

Oil for deep frying

Marinating sauce:

1 t. wine or sherry

2 T. soy sauce

2 T. flour

1 T. cornstarch

Gravy Mixture:

6 T. sugar

4 T. soy sauce

1 T. wine

2 T. vinegar

4 T. tomato sauce

1 T. cornstarch

½ cup water

1.              Cut green peppers into quarters, remove seeds; set aside.

2.              Cut carrots into small wedges; par-boil approximately 8 minutes to soften; set aside.

3.                Cut bamboo shoot into small wedges; set aside.

4.                Cut pork into 1½ " cubes; combine with marinating sauce.

5.                Pre-heat oil for frying in deep pot or skillet.

6.                Fry pork in hot oil until crisp and golden brown.

7.                Remove pork from oil; set aside.

8.                Pre-heat 5 T. oil in frying skillet.

9.                Sauté all vegetables and pineapple for 2 or 3 minutes.

10.               Combine, mixing well, all ingredients for gravy mixture.

11.               Add to skillet; stir constantly; bring to quick boil or until gravy thickens.

12.                Add fried pork, mix well.  Serve hot.

Serves 3-4

Barbecue Sliced Pork

½ lb. pork tenderloin

6 T.  soy sauce

4 T. sugar

2 T.  red wine

Green onions or leeks

Toothpicks

1.              Slice pork into pieces approximately 4" by 2" by 1/8" in size.

2.              Combine soy sauce, sugar and wine; marinate meat in sauce for several hours or overnight.

3.              Use only white part of onion.  Cut into 2" lengths, then in half lengthwise.

4.              Wrap individual pieces of meat around pieces of green onions; secure with toothpicks.

5.              Barbecue "rolls" over medium hot coals; baste occasionally with marinating sauce.

6.              Remove toothpicks; serve hot.

LAMB

Having been raised in the South where very little lamb was eaten, I'm not too well versed in lamb preparation.

However, here is a recipe from a dear friend, Marie Watt, that I know is delicious.

Lamb Stew (with or without kidneys)

Serves 4-6

1½ lbs. lamb (or beef) cut up in cubes.

(Leftover lamb or beef may be used)

In a bag, put in 3 T. flour, 1½ t. salt, ¼ t. pepper.  Shake meat in bag.  Put meat in frying pan in 2 t. fat and brown on all sides.  Add ½ cup diced onions, 2 cups boiling water or vegetable broth or soup.  Add the leftover flour from bag and 1 cup cut up celery.

Stir and let simmer.  After 1 hour add 2 or 3 cut up carrots and 1 cup raw or frozen vegetables.  Simmer for another ½ hour.  Any leftover vegetables may be added at that time.

Add 1 t. catsup, 1 t. Worcestershire, 1 t. Kitchen Bouquet or 1 t. barbecue sauce.  If kidneys are used they should be added during the last ½ hour.  Can be served in casserole covered with mashed potatoes.

Lamb Kidneys

Put in cold water for ½ hour.  Slice in half with scissors and cut out fat membranes.  Slice in small pieces.  (6-8 lamb kidneys).

In two pots of water, put the cut up kidneys in one pot, and allow to simmer for 3 minutes and then put the kidneys into the second pot of boiling water and let cook another 3 minutes.

The kidneys are now ready for frying in butter or may be used in the beef and kidney pie or stew.

Cooking in two pots of water is very important so as to remove blood and eliminate any strong odor which some people find objectionable.

Lamb Kabobs

Use the same procedure for preparing as beef kabobs (ToC).  Serve with rice and any remaining marinade.

Chapter Three

Chicken

Most cookbooks say poultry; whch means chicken, turkey, game hens, etc.  Well, turkey ‘s o.k., but you can cook it the same as chicken.  Just cook it longer.

The best turkey meal is an all white turkey sandwich on white bread with a little mayonnaise or Durkee's dressing on it, a plate of crisp celery and carrot sticks, and a glass of chilled dry white wine.

So much for turkey……..

Now about Cornish Game Hens…………

If you want to have some fun, play Henry the Eighth.  Roast a couple of hens (see roast chicken recipe later), put them on your plate whole, get a loaf of French bread, and a bottle of wine.  Sit down at the table, put a bib on, tear the hen apart by hand or pick it up whole and tear the meat off with your teeth.  Wipe your mouth with the back of your hand, tear the bread in chunks, and throw the bones over your shoulder on the floor while yelling at your wife for service and calling her "wench".

Then, run like hell and spend a couple of nights at the club or a hotel while you decide what to buy her.  Incidentally, don't spend any time at a family friend's house when you are exiled like this.  Your wife will always feel you are in cahoots with them, and you don’t want to contribute to that fuss.  You’ve got enough problems already.

Pigeons are not for eating…  They are for plucking:  at the gin table or on the golf course - not in the kitchen.  Doves are sporting to shoot, easy to clean, and lousy to eat.

If you have to eat them, skin them, rub a little salt and pepper on them, wrap them in a strip of bacon.  Broil for a few minutes.  You eat the dove and I'll eat the bacon.

Quail

Skin, roll in flour with salt and pepper and sauté in butter.  Add one can of beer, one cup of good domestic brandy and a dash of thyme.  Cover and simmer until tender.  The quail are good but the sauce is gooder.

Capon

The less said about that poor castrated fellow the better.  An incontrovertible statement:  You don't have to be a farmer to enjoy a roll in the hay.

Now……………..Chicken

Roast Chicken With Rosemary (the seasoning - not the broad) and White Wine

3 or 4 pound whole chicken

1/4 lb. butter

Rosemary

Thyme

White wine  (Chablis)

½ lb. fresh mushrooms

Liquid garlic

Thoroughly clean the chicken.  Rub it inside and out with salt and pepper.  Truss the wings to the body.  Do the same with the legs.  Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees.  Rub all over with butter that has been softened and to which a few drops (careful) of liquid garlic have been added.

Use a deep baking dish or roaster.  Place a small amount of water in the bottom.  Put in a rack to keep the chicken out of the water.  Place the chicken on its side and roast for 15 minutes.  In the meantime, be boiling the giblets in about 3 or 4 cups water.  No seasoning.  Turn the chicken and roast the other side for 15 minutes.  Put on breast and roast back for 15 more minutes.

In a 3 cup or larger container put 1½ cups of white wine (a Chablis is fine), 1T.  rosemary that has been finely ground, ¼ t. thyme, and 1 to 2 cups of the giblet broth.  Also, any of the butter that is left.

Turn the oven to 300 degrees.  Put the chicken on its back, baste it well with the wine-broth-butter combo.  It will take probably 45 minutes or maybe more, but baste frequently; never let the bottom of the pan get dry.  After about 15 minutes at 300 degrees, add the whole cleaned mushroom caps so they are in the liquid.  The chicken is done when you prick the meaty part of the thigh with a fork and the liquid runs clear.  Then leave it in the oven while you cook some spaghettini or noodles al dente to serve with it.  This will take ten minutes max.  Serve the chicken with a crisp green salad with oil and vinegar, a Riesling, a Pinot or a Chardonnay and you have it made!

Chicken Breasts Maria

Speaking of breasts, when I was a kid in Louisiana, we used to have a lot of picnics with a lot of fried chicken.

I used to notice all the teenage girls rushed to get the gizzard.  I didn't know why, so I asked my sister.  She said it was supposed to make their breasts bigger.  One gal in my ninth grade class must've been raised on a chicken farm – Wow!

3 chicken breasts, (skinned, boned and butterflied)

Bread crumbs and grated parmagiana

Chopped garlic (tiny bit)

Chopped parsley

Black pepper and salt

2 eggs

Oil for cooking

Pound breasts until flattened into cutlets.  Mix bread crumbs, cheese, garlic, parsley, pepper and salt.  Beat 2 eggs thoroughly.  Dip cutlets into eggs, then coat with crumbs until all are coated.  Heat oil (set unit on medium).  Put in cutlets, cook until golden brown.  Drain and serve.  May be placed on paper towels on plate and held in 200-250 degree oven for 20 to 30 minutes.

Serve with vegetable, potatoes, tossed green salad and dry white wine.

Serves four to six depending on size of cutlets.

Chicken Cacciatore

That means "hunter’s" chicken in Italian.

I went hunting in Italy -- what an experience!!  They shoot anything that flies and a few things that don't; mostly humans.

Anyway, my cooking companions killed a bunch of what turned out to be larks.  When we returned to the city, they gave them all to me.  I started to say "thanks, but no thanks" but was tipped off that it was the custom to give the day’s bag to

the newcomer or guest and that they would be insulted if I didn't take them.  So smiling through the tears, I acquiesced.  I had in my proud possession 24 larks weighing about 2 ounces each - guts, feathers and shot.

I gave them to Andrei, the concierge at the apartment, to clean.  He was very excited at our great success.  When he brought them up to the apartment, they were well cleaned; not a feather on them.  But he had not gutted them.  When I told him to gut them, he was horrified.  That would ruin them.

So I gave him 12 for his family, gave six to Maria, our housekeeper and chief cook, and had him ruin six for me to try.  I knew Betty (the wife) wouldn't get in the same room with them.

Well, I should have given them all to Andrei.  If you think doves are bad, try gamey larks stuffed with Italian birdshot.

Needless to say, my shooting was confined to trap and skeet shooting from then on.

1 frying chicken (about 3 lbs.), cut in serving size pieces

2¼ cups tomatoes (1# 4-oz. can tomatoes)

¼ cup flour

1 clove garlic, peeled

1 t. salt (for chicken)

1/8 t. pepper

1 can tomato paste

¼ cup olive oil

2 t. sugar

6 small white onions, peeled

1 bay leaf

1 t. salt (for sauce)

1.              Wash chicken; drain; dry well.  (Save neck and giblets to make soup for another meal)  Rub chicken well with garlic.  Mince garlic; save for step 4.

2.              Combine flour, salt (for chicken), and pepper in large bag; shake chicken pieces in bag until well coated.

3.              Heat oil in Dutch oven; add chicken, a few pieces at a time; brown well on all sides; drain on unglazed paper; pour off any oil remaining in pan.

4.              Return chicken to Dutch oven; add minced garlic, tomatoes, tomato paste, onions, sugar, salt (for sauce) and bay leaf.

5.              Simmer, covered, basting occasionally with sauce in pan about 1 hour; or until chicken is tender when pierced with 2-tined fork.

6.              If desired, arrange chicken on hot cooked spaghetti.  Spoon sauce over.

Herbed Chicken

1 cup sherry wine

1 cup oil

1 T. minced onion or

2 T. Worcestershire Sauce

1 large onion grated

2 T. soy sauce

Juice of ½ lemon

1 t. powdered garlic or 1 clove,

1 t. whole oregano (crushed)

1 t. monosodium glutamate

1 t. whole marjoram

1 t. whole rosemary

1 t. whole thyme

2 broiler-fryers, quartered or cut in serving size pieces

Mix all ingredients except chicken.  Marinate chicken in mixture for up to 3 hours, turning frequently.

Grill over low coals for 40 minutes or so, turning and basting frequently.  Will serve 6 to 8.

Golden Fried Chicken

Wash and dry a 3-pound cut-up broiler/fryer.  In bag, combine ½ cup all purpose flour, 1½ t. salt, and ¼ t. pepper.  Shake the chicken, a few pieces at a time, in the flour mixture.  In electric skillet, melt shortening to measure ¼ inch and heat at 375 degrees F.  In a single layer, brown chicken on both sides, removing it as it browns.  Pour off all but 2 T. fat from skillet.  Reduce heat to 300 degrees.  Cook chicken, covered, 45 minutes.  Cook, uncovered 15 minutes.  Serves 4.

Lemon BBQ Chicken

2 broiler/fryers cut in half

1 clove garlic

½ t. salt

¼ c. oil

½ cup lemon juice

2 T. grated onion

½ t. pepper

½ t. thyme

Mash garlic and salt in bowl.  Stir in remaining ingredients.  Chill 24 hours.  Wash chicken and rub well with lemon sauce.  Grill over low heat, turning and basting frequently until well done.

Chapter Four

SEAFOOD

There are four - no, make that five - general types of seafood cookery.  The Eastern United States, the Southern United States, the Western United States, the European and raw fish crowd.

The Eastern United States is sometimes known as the Boston scrod (my God, what a name for a food), Chincoteague and Chesapeake oyster, fried clam and porgy group.  Of course, they also include live lobsters delivered by armored car, bay scallops (do you suppose they come wrapped in dollar bills?) and Maryland terrapin soup.

The Southern category is not to be confused with the hot lard and corn meal school of the Chattahoochee, Tombigbee, and Ouchita River catfish coterie.  Although it's hard to improve on a meal of fresh fried catfish, hush puppies and coleslaw with a cold bottle of beer.  'Specially if you're lounging on a sandy creek bank after a friendly wrestling match with that gal from up the road a piece.  But, now back to more important (now, that proves we're old) things.

I used to own a radio station in Mobile, Alabama.  Mobile is a nice town but very in-bred.  If you weren't born there, of parents who were born there, of parents who ad infinitum, then you are never truly accepted.  There was a bank president in Mobile, very distinguished civic leader and philanthropist who had been brought to Mobile at the age of six weeks.  He died at 81 and his obituary began, "Although not born in Mobile, Mr. …” See why I sold the station!

Bayley's West Indies Salad

This is the most unusual and the absolute best cold crab dish I have ever eaten.  It's not like the usual seafood salad with a lot of chopped-up stuff wrapped in a glob of mayonnaise.

This dish is served at Bayley's Restaurant, south of Mobile, and if you ever get near there, go out of your way to eat there.

Mr. Bayley would never give out the recipe and I can't guarantee the authenticity of this one.  The recipe was given me by a charming southern lady who told me she had gotten it with a combination of booze and blandishments.  I don't know about the booze, but she could've blandished me out of a lot more than a recipe for crab salad, 'cause she was equipped with H.Q.B.  High Quality Blandishers!  That's the way life is.  He got blandished!  I got a recipe!  Lombardi is right … winning is everything!

What’s the mattah, sugah?

Ya’ll nevah seen pearls

Befoah?!

She was equipped with H.Q.B.

West Indies Salad

1 medium onion

3 ounces cider vinegar

1 pound crab meat

4 ounces ice water

4 ounces Wesson Oil

Salt and Pepper

Put ½ of the chopped onion in bottom of bowl.  Add crabmeat, top with rest of onion.  Salt and pepper.  Pour oil over, then pour vinegar, then ice water.  Cover and leave 2 to 12 hours.  DO NOT STIR AT ANY TIME.  Toss lightly and serve.

One other good recipe I got out of Mobile was an oyster loaf sandwich served at Wintzels.  It's about 5 or 8 blocks out of downtown Mobile and don't miss it.

Oyster Loaf Recipe

1 cup chili sauce

2 T. horseradish

1 cup catsup

2 T. vinegar

2T. mayonnaise

12 fried oysters (See below)

Tabasco® Sauce

Shredded lettuce

Split hot French bread loaf lengthwise.

Hollow out both halves

Fill lower half with hot fried oysters.  Cover with sauce made by combining chili sauce, mayonnaise, horseradish, vinegar and Tabasco to taste.

Fill top half with coleslaw or shredded lettuce.  Serve warm with cold beer.

Fried Oysters

1 dozen select oysters

1 egg

1 cup flour

1 cup cornmeal

Salt and pepper

Mix cornmeal, salt and pepper.  Have flour in separate dish.  Dip oysters in flour, then in egg, then in cornmeal and fry in hot deep fat for less than a minute, only until coating is golden brown and crispy.

Coon-Ass Cookery

Now, don't get all excited!  Some of the Cajuns in Louisiana good-humoredly call themselves coon-asses.  As far as I'm concerned, it's a term of affection 'cause they’re great people who know how to really enjoy the indoor sports and have perfected all three of them to a very high level!

Boiled crawfish, crawfish bisque, barbecued shrimp, gulf oysters, flounder stuffed with shrimp and crab meat, pompano in a paper bag, shrimp or crawfish e'touffee, seafood gumbo, stuffed shrimp – man - they are all great!!!

If you are not familiar with crawfish, it's just a shrimp whose mother made a left turn up the bayou instead of turning right to the Gulf of Mexico.  I'm not going to spend much time on them, ‘cause they are hard to get except in Louisiana and hell, everybody there knows how to fix them better than I do.

There's a place in New Orleans (very famous) called Manale's out on Napoleon Street.  Great place.  They serve, among other fine dishes, "Barbecued Shrimp".  They did not give me this recipe; I don't know whether they would or not, ‘cause I did not ask them.

The wife of a local coon-ass, who shall be nameless, laid it on me one time when I was trolling through New Orleans in search of improving my ability in the indoor sports field.  Two out of three ain't bad.

Barbecued Shrimp

In a glass-baking dish, melt ½ to 1 pound of butter in which you have put 4 heaping tablespoons of ground black pepper.  No, I'm not crazy and that ain't no typo.  (That's four)  Wash in running water 8 to 16 jumbo or extra large shrimp in their shells.  You should use 4 to 6 per person.  Put the shrimp in the baking dish, put it in a 400 degree oven until done.  Baste frequently and test for doneness with a fork.  Probably takes from 10 to 20 minutes depending on the size of the shrimp.

Serve with hot French bread to dip in the butter and a good dry white wine or cold beer.

Believe it or not, it won't be really too picante (hot).  In fact, I put Tabasco Sauce on mine at the table.  But then I put Tabasco sauce on everything except ice cream.

Ode to Tabasco

Here's to the great sauce Tabasco

Without it life is a fiasco

If we lost the plant in New Iberia

The world would really end I fearia.

It's the greatest seasoning that can be had

Not like this poem, which is really pretty bad!

Did you know you can buy Tabasco in kitchen size –12 ounce bottles?

Tabasco is a registered trademark of the McIlheney Company.

How to Boil Shrimp in the Shell

Use a large kettle or saucepan.  Put the shrimp into several cups (enough to cover the shrimp and about 1 inch above them) of water.  Add a half box of shrimp or crab boil, or do as I do, use pickling spice (¼ can).  It's practically the same thing, but cheaper.  Add 2 tablespoons of white vinegar.  If the shrimp are large and fresh, bring to a boil, boil for two minutes, take off for two minutes, put back and bring to a boil, take off and let cool in the cooking liquid.  When cool, strain the liquid into a bowl, put the shrimp (still in the shell), into the bowl, cover and store in the refrigerator.  They'll keep longer, taste better, and retain their flavor.  When you are ready to use, take out, peel and enjoy!

Remember, a shrimp is like a shy, young maiden – you probably can't enjoy her until you get her boiled!

If shrimp are frozen, boil about twice as long from time ice block surrounding the shrimp is melted.  Remember, shrimp cooked too long are like making love after 70…  Just a faint resemblance to what they were in their prime.

Gumbo

"Roux" pronounced "roo”.  The first words a baby coon-ass utters are, "First you make a roux."  Then they say, "Hot damn mama, where's the gumbo?"  There are all kinds of gumbo:  shrimp, oyster, duck, dove, seafood, and so on.

One time I was duck hunting at a camp in the Louisiana marsh and we were communing with old Jack Daniels pretty good before dinner.  At dinner we had duck gumbo, so in my somewhat euphoric state, I told the lady of the house that I'd like to have some gumbo for breakfast before we went hunting.  After dinner we had our usual after dinner drink of bourbon and bismol and finally retired.

Approximately 28 minutes later (it seemed), we were roused to go fourth and fearlessly defend ourselves against those attacking flying feathered demons.

In an alcoholic fog suffering from what the fizz tablet people laughingly call over-indulgence, I sneaked up to the breakfast table.  I planned to reconnoiter a cup of coffee with an eye to possibly holding it under my nose long enough to steam open my eyes.

Alas…  There was a huge bowl of steaming duck gumbo, a huge threatening lady and 10 hunting companions blocking all exits and smirking and snickering.  It scared the hell out me and I am absolutely fearless.

Discretion being the better part of valor and fearing the inner revolt less than the lovely monster standing over me saying, "Eat that gumbo", I "eat the gumbo" -- Every drop of it.

There was a happy ending!!  It was a bitter cold morning and I was warmer, fared better and recovered quicker than my more effete companions who ate bacon and eggs and grits.  If I every get in those same circumstances again (God forbid), I’ll “eat that gumbo."

Roux

1 cup cooking oil

1 cup flour

Pour oil in heavy iron pot over high heat.  When oil is hot, stir flour in gradually.  Lower heat.  It is very important that you keep stirring constantly.  After all of the flour has been combined with the oil, turn fire down very low and cook until golden brown, stirring constantly.

When roux is a golden brown, pour the mixture into another container until ready for use.  Roux will get too dark if it remains in the pot in which it was prepared.

Roux for gumbos:  When a gumbo recipe requires a roux, use 1½ cups flour.  Always pour excess oil off the top of the roux when making gumbo.  This prevents the gumbo from being too rich.

Seafood Gumbo

½ lb. Crab meat, fresh or canned

2 lbs shrimp (fresh and peeled)

1 pint oysters, fresh

1 lb. Red fish or any firm fish, cubed

4 cloves garlic, minced

2 cups chopped onions

1 gallon water

2 cups chopped celery

½ cup cooking oil

½ cup flour

Green onion tops and parsley to taste,

Salt, black pepper, and cayenne

Make roux.

Add celery and onions to roux.  Cook until onions are wilted.  Add water and garlic.  Cook in heavy uncovered pot over medium heat for 1 hour and season with salt, black pepper and cayenne to taste.

Add shrimp and fish to mixture.  Cook in uncovered pot over medium heat for 15 minutes.  Add oysters with liquid, crabmeat, onion tops and parsley.  Bring to boil again and cook 5 minutes.  Serve in soup plates with rice.  Serves 8.

Cooked Rice

2 cups rice

2 t. salt

12 cups water

Bring water to a boil.  Add rice and salt.  Boil over medium heat in uncovered aluminum pot until water is starchy, which should be approximately 15 minutes for short grain rice and 20 minutes for long grain rice.  Stir occasionally.  Drain rice in colander, and rinse in cold water.  Cover colander, and place over a pot of boiling water for 15 minutes.  Rice is then ready for use with any recipe in this book.  Serves 8.

Shrimp and Okra Gumbo

2½ lbs shrimp, fresh or canned, chopped

½ can whole tomatoes

5 lbs. okra, fresh or canned, chopped

1 can tomato sauce

1½ cup chopped onions

Salt, black pepper

1 cup chopped celery

Cayenne

½ cup cooking oil

1 gallon water

1 clove garlic, minced

Peel shrimp, if using fresh shrimp.  Season generously with salt, black pepper, and cayenne.  Set aside.

Mix oil in heavy uncovered pot with chopped onions, celery and garlic and cook over medium heat until onions are wilted.

Make roux.  Pour onion mixture into roux.  Add water and boil slowly in uncovered pot for 1 hour.  Then add shrimp and cook over medium heat in uncovered pot for 20 minutes.  Add oysters with liquid and continue cooking for another 5 minutes.

Add onion tops and parsley.  Serve in soup plates with cooked rice.  Serves 8.

Shrimp De Jonghe a la Aggie

Butter clam shells or flat casserole

For De Jonghe butter, prepare:

1/3 cup (1 slice) fine, dry bread crumbs

Mix ¼ cup of the crumbs (reserving remainder for topping) with ½ t. salt, 1/4 t. pepper.

Set mixture aside.

Cream together until butter is softened: ½ cup butter, 2 cloves garlic minced (more if your taste dictates)

Thoroughly blend in the crumb mixture and add 1 T. finely chopped parsley, 1½ t. finely chopped chives, 1 t. minced onion, ¼ t. Worcestershire sauce

Wrap mixture in Saran and refrigerate until ready to use.

Melt 1 t. butter over low heat and add cooked and cleaned shrimp (1 lb.) Cook over medium heat 1 to 2 minutes or until heated through and coated with butter.  Place single layer of shrimp in casserole and sprinkle with ¼ cup sherry.  Pour drippings from skillet over shrimp.  Cut de jonghe butter in ¼ inch pieces and spread evenly over shrimp.  Sprinkle with reserved bread crumbs and paprika.  Bake at 400 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes or until crumbs are lightly browned.

Cooked Shrimp

1 lb. shrimp (washed in cold water)

Boil:              2 cups water

3 T. lemon juice

1 T. salt

Drop shrimp in boiling mixture – cover tightly and simmer 5 minutes or until pink and tender.  Drain and cover with cold water to chill.  Drain again.

Remove shells and slit to just below surface along back to expose the black vein.  With knifepoint remove vein in one piece.  Rinse quickly under cold running water.

Feliciana Oysters

1 stick butter

2 pints oysters, drained

1 cup chopped green onions

Saltine crackers

1 cup chopped celery

Worcestershire Sauce

¼ cup chopped bell pepper

Cayenne

4 hard-boiled eggs, grated

Sauté onion, celery and bell pepper in butter until soft.  Add oysters and cook until the edges begin to curl (about five minutes).  With a knife in each hand, use criss-cross motion to cut oysters into small pieces.  Add egg and crumbled crackers, enough to absorb juice released by oysters.  Season with Worcestershire and cayenne.  Serve from a chafing dish on cocktail crackers (bacon flavored, preferably) or put in a casserole and re-warm when needed.  Avoid over-cooking.

Shrimp in White Wine

20 shrimp (12 - 15 per pound)

1 cup light cream

2 medium cloves of garlic (sliced fine)

Juice from 1½ lemons

1 cup flour

4 ounces dry white wine

7 ounces olive oil

1 pinch salt

Fresh parsley

4 ounces butter

Lemon wedges

Peel, devein, and butterfly the shrimp.  Wash in cold water and drain.

Add salt to the flour and then flour each shrimp lightly.  Then put shrimp in cream and flour each shrimp again.  Coat shrimp thoroughly with flour.

Add oil in a large frying pan.  Fry shrimp until golden brown and crisp (not too long).  Remove shrimp and place on a paper towel.  Cover to keep warm.

Drain oil from the pan and add the butter and sliced garlic.  Slowly brown garlic and add wine, parsley and lemon juice, bring to a full boil.  Add shrimp, then heat and serve.

Garnish with parsley and wedges of lemon.

Tuna Mold

2 envelopes gelatin dissolved in ½ cup of water

½ Cup stuffed olives, chopped

1 Cup mayonnaise

3 pieces pimento

2 cups tuna (oil drained)

½ bell pepper

2 whole stuffed olives

2 eggs - hard cooked and chopped

Dissolve gelatin and water in double boiler.  Cool.  Add mayonnaise, tuna, eggs, and olives.  Grease a fish mold and pack in mixture.  Refrigerate several hours and unmold.  Use a strip of pimento for mouth, several pimento strips for tail, a ridge of sliced green pepper peeled down back and olives for eyes.  Serves six.

Baked Flounder with Crab Stuffing

3 or 4 large flounders

Salt to taste

1 stick butter

Stuffing

1 cup crab meat

½ t. pepper

2 T. bacon drippings

1 t. salt

1 medium onion, chopped fine

1/8 t. thyme

1 shallot, chopped

1 T. parsley, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 egg

2 T. celery, chopped

3/4 cup breadcrumbs

2 T. bell pepper, chopped

Have the butcher slit a big "pocket" in each fish.  Place generous amount of stuffing (made by sautéing vegetables in drippings, then mixing with remaining ingredients) into each slit.  Melt butter in pan or pans to lay fish, not overlapping.  Place fish dark side down; then flip.  This butters the stuffed side, too.  Bake at 375 or 400 degrees, covered, for 30 minutes.  Uncover for the last 5 or 10 minutes.

Remoulade Sauce

3 T. Horseradish

2 T. Paprika

½ cup hot mustard

4 stems parsley, chopped

3 cloves garlic, crushed

1 cup salad oil

1 large onion, chopped

Salt and pepper to taste

4 leaves celery, chopped

1 ounce Worcestershire sauce

Combine all ingredients and serve over boiled shrimp on shredded lettuce.  This sauce may be refrigerated and kept for a period of time.

Shrimp Jambalaya

3 lbs fresh shrimp

½ cup chopped bell (sweet) pepper

3 cups cooked rice

1 can whole tomatoes

½ cup cooking oil

Green onions and parsley to taste, chopped

1 can tomato paste

1 can tomato sauce

1 pimento, diced

½ t. sugar

2 cloves garlic, minced

Salt, black pepper and cayenne

1 cup chopped celery

1 cup chopped onions

Boil shrimp.  Chop shrimp.  Set aside.

Put oil in heavy pot with onions, garlic, and bell pepper.

Cook in uncovered pot over medium heat for about 15 minutes.  Add tomatoes, tomato paste, tomato sauce, and sugar.  Cook in uncovered pot over medium heat, for about 40 minutes or until oil separates from tomatoes.

Add shrimp to the mixture and let cook in uncovered pot over medium heat for 30 minutes.  Add cooked rice.  Add parsley, green onion, and pimento.  Mix well and serve.  Serves 12.

Shrimp Salad

2 lbs. shrimp, fresh or canned

6 ripe olives, minced

1 head lettuce, diced

2 hard boiled eggs

4 firm tomatoes, diced

6 green olives, minced

1 level T. capers

1 cup chopped celery

3 level T. mayonnaise

Salt, black pepper and Cayenne (to taste)

½ cup bell pepper, chopped

If fresh shrimp are used, boil shrimp.  Peel shrimp, put in large salad bowl and add lettuce, tomatoes, capers, celery, bell peppers, olives, and mayonnaise.  Season with salt, black pepper and red pepper to taste.  Mix well.  Slice boiled eggs to garnish top, after placing servings of the salad on lettuce leaves.  Serves 8.

Stuffed Shrimp

3 lbs. large fresh shrimp

2 cans crab meat

5 eggs

2 cups chopped onions

1½ cups chopped celery

¼ lb. butter or 1 cup cooking oil

½ cup green onion tops and

¼ cup chopped bell (sweet) pepper

Parsley, chopped

1 lb. boiled shrimp

4 stale buns

½ cup white wine

Salt, black pepper and cayenne

Bread crumbs or cracker meal (as needed)

Peel fresh shrimp and set aside.  Put oil or butter, 2 cups chopped onions, and one cup of the chopped celery into a heavy pot.  Season to taste with salt, black pepper, and red pepper.  Cook slowly in uncovered pot until mixture forms a jelly.

Grind crab and 1 lb. of the boiled shrimp in food processor.  Mix with onion mixture and let cook 15 minutes over medium heat in uncovered pot.  Dissolve buns in beaten eggs and add to mixture.  Add bell pepper, remainder of celery, green onion tops and parsley, and cracker meal or breadcrumbs until firm.  Mix well.

Split each remaining shrimp lengthwise almost to the end.  Stuff centers of split shrimp with mixture, holding each shrimp in the hand, and squeezing it together to form a croquette.  Roll in white flour, sauté in butter and white wine for 5 minutes, turning once.

Oysters

There are almost as many arguments about where the best oysters come from as there are Italians in Italy.  And if you don't think there are a lot of Italians in Italy, you ought to live there for a while.

The French say the Belem’s are the best, the New Englanders stand up for Chincoteagues, Marylanders never heard of anything but Chesapeakes, Southerners will "you all" to death on the qualities of Gulf oysters.  Some people even brag about Pacific oysters.  The tiny Olympics are good if you can get a dozen together.  That's about enough for one bite.

Well, oysters are like whiskey and women.  Some are better than others, but none of them are bad!

Another thing you want to remember about oysters is "never figure out what they cost."  Again, like whiskey and women, if you find out what they really cost, it will be too expensive for you and you'll have to give them up.  It's better to be ignorant and happy!

If I were forced to express an opinion on the relative best taste, it would be a toss-up between Chesapeake extra-selects and Gulf selects.  Either one should be eaten raw served on the half-shell on a bed of ice.  Simply squeeze a few drops of lemon on an oyster, dust with black pepper, add one drop of Tabasco®, and eat.  Accompany with very crisp saltines or oyster crackers and cold beer served in a chilled mug or goblet.

Here’s my idea of what I call a perfect 1-2-3 evening.  Begin with no more than 2 very cold, very dry martinis with a twist (that’s #1); eat 12 large, very cold gulf oysters (that’s #2); and follow with as much #3 as you can handle or that she will permit!

If, on your way home you get hit in the butt with a bicycle crossing the street and do not survive, your epitaph should read:

Here lies a man

Dead in his prime

But by the smile on his face

He had a helluva time!

I don’t especially object to oysters served with red cocktail sauce, remoulade sauce, tartar sauce, etc., but then I don’t object to skunks either as long as they don’t get near me!

Western United States Seafood

Sand dabs, petrale sole, Alaskan king crab, Dungeness crab and abalone are some of the specialties of the western United States seafood cult.

Fried San Dabs Or Petrale Sole

Again, sand dabs or petrale sole lend themselves to sautéing in butter to which 2 or 3 tablespoons of white wine have been added.  Serve with what I call American fried potatoes (ToC) and crisp green salad dressed lightly with oil and vinegar.  Sprinkle fish with lemon juice in cooking pan at last moment and serve additional lemon at table.

Tartar Sauce

1 cup mayonnaise or salad dressing

2 T. chopped capers

A few drops of Tabasco®

3 T. India relish or finely chopped sour or dill pickle

Juice of ½ lemon

Mix well, chill and serve with fried fish.

Abalone is California’s economic answer to Maine lobster!  It’s so high priced today that if California had enough to export in quantity, our favorable balance of payments would probably jump a billion dollars and we could then afford to eat some Maine lobster.

I am indebted to a dear friend of mine from California, Bill Dumont, for the following recipe.  It’s from a fabulous fellow called “Sam” whose full name is Frank Sampietro – a great guy!  I quote it as I received it from “Sam”:

To fish abalone, start early, 5 to 8 a.m. -- sometimes in the afternoon.  Tide should be one foot minus to 1 foot 6 inches.

A wet suit is important for protection against weather and cold water.  Slippery rocks are treacherous.  You find abalone in most difficult places.  On rocks.  Between rocks.  Limit is now 4-7 inches and up in size.

I drive 100 miles up the California north coast to fish abalone.

Cleaning is a big job.  Beating to tenderize is most important.

Cut abalone slices to ¼ inch thick.  Save the abalone milk.  If you lose the milk you lose the taste.

Cooking easy.  First make slices.  Put them in egg batter (egg and little milk and little salt), then toasted bread crumbs.  Put in frying pan half butter, half oil.  Hot.  Hot.  One minute each side.  Eat.  Sooner the better.

European Seafood Cookery

In Italy, “frutta de mare”, fruit of the sea, is usually fried as in fritta mista, a mixed bag of fried squid, shrimp, fish, etc.  Pretty good, too!

Paella

One 3 lb. chicken, cut up

½ cup butter

1 clove garlic

2 cups rice

½ tsp. saffron

4 cups chicken stock

1 chopped onion

2 chorizo (Spanish sausage)

1 chopped green pepper

1 cup diced pimento

½ lb. lobster meat

12 scrubbed clams

18 shelled and de-veined shrimp

Cut a 3 to 3½ pound chicken into serving pieces and sauté the pieces in ½ cup butter with 1 crushed garlic clove until they are golden brown on all sides.  Remove the pieces and set them aside.  In the juices remaining in the pan, sauté 2 cups rice until it is golden.  Add ½ teaspoon saffron and 4 cups hot chicken stock and bring the liquid to a boil.  Season with salt and pepper.  Butter the bottom and sides of a deep casserole or Dutch oven.  Put half the pieces of chicken in the casserole, and cover the chicken with 1 chorizo (the highly seasoned Spanish sausage), sliced, and ½ cup diced pimentos.  Add almost all the rice and top with the remaining pieces of chicken.  Add 1 more chorizo, ½ cup diced pimentos, and the remaining rice.  Bake the casserole, uncovered in a moderate oven (350 degrees) for 30 minutes, adding a little chicken stock from time to time as needed.  Add 1 lobster, cut into pieces, and cook for 15 minutes longer.  Add 12 cleaned clams, 18 shelled and de-veined shrimp, and cook the paella for 10 minutes longer.  Garnish with strips of pimento and serve from the casserole with garlic bread, a tossed green salad and white wine.

In France, sole with sauce and sole meuniere and sole bon femme and sole amandine and sole ad nauseum.  Good, but rich with sauces and/or butter.

There are those who exult over poached fish, boiled fish, baked fish, and fish stew.  Poaching is for eggs, boiling is for collard greens, baking is for ham and stewing is for beef and lamb.  If you think I’m prejudiced, you can bet your sweet ass you’re right!

Raw Fish

Sounds revolting, doesn’t it?  In some cases it is.

You haven’t lived until you have seen one of Bari, Italy’s citizens stand in the street and eat a dozen or two raw minnows bought from a street peddler.  He puts them in his mouth, tail first, bites down just behind the head and strips the meat off the backbone.  Then, nonchalantly, tosses the head and spine into the gutter.  Or, until you’ve seen a large bowl of water filled with swimming baby squid placed in the middle of your table and seen your charming Italian associates eagerly grasp one, bite it in the head to kill it and then eat it all, all the time exclaiming at this unexpected gustatory treat.

I never was able to see the full completion of this gourmet’s rite.  I had immediately retired to the bar where I was dumping brandy down my throat for medicinal purposes.

That’s enough of that except, “do you know how to kill an octopus?”  Bite it in the head!

There are some good raw fish dishes, tho!  The Japanese sashimi is delicious and “seviche” or “ceviche”, no matter how you spell it, is delicious and easy to make.  All you need is a piece of firm fleshed fish, lime juice, chopped peppers, onion, chopped tomatoes and the ubiquitous Tabasco®!  Here’s how:

Ceviche

Use any firm-fleshed fish that is not extremely oily.

Small chunks of raw fish with skin removed.  Scallops may be used if cut in small pieces.

Lime juice to cover, chopped onion, chopped green pepper, salt, pepper and Tabasco® to taste.  Put all in a glass dish, cover and let sit overnight.  Serve with bread sticks and white wine.  Chopped tomatoes may be added at time of serving.

There are hundreds of other good seafood recipes which space does not permit.  Always remember:  seafood must be fresh.  It must be treated with kindness and a light touch, sauced lightly, and accompanied by light wines or beer.  Tender loving care (TLC) is good for fish, kids, broads and mothers-in-law.  Maybe even your wife!

Chapter Five

Pasta

There are probably over 200 forms or kinds of pasta, or noodles or macaroni, or spaghetti or fettuccini or linguini or penne or lasagna or rice or risotto, or whatever.

The saddest thing about the preparation of pasta in the United States is the fact that in most homes and too many restaurants, it is inevitably cooked too long.  I’ll bet there are millions of people in the United States who have been eating spaghetti for years, thinking it’s good and have never tasted good pasta properly prepared!

Good spaghetti must be treated like a shy young maiden; coaxed to a boil, held at the peak for not too long, then devoured immediately with loving pleasure.

A new Italian restaurant opened in Phoenix, Arizona a few years ago – advertised as authentic southern Italian.  Eagerly, Betty and I went down for dinner; beautiful decor … reminding us of delightful places in Napoli and Rome; excellent menu … scaloppini, carbonara, several sauces.  So I asked, “Do you cook your spaghetti to order?”  “Hell, no,” the captain answered, “If we did, we’d spend all our time cooking spaghetti.”  Oh well!

There’s a place in San Francisco called Molinari’s.  It’s on Columbus up about 4 blocks from Kearney.  Home of the great Molinari Salami and some of the finest fresh green or white noodles I’ve ever tasted.

These noodles are dropped into boiling salted water for about three minutes, then drained but not rinsed, tossed with butter, freshly grated parmiagiana, and a drop or 2 of liquid garlic and some freshly ground black pepper and chopped fresh parsley!  Molto bene – that means a polite “damn good” in Italian.

I don’t know of any pasta that should be cooked more than 10 minutes, and most of it much less.  Sometimes in desperation you’ll have to cook some boxed spaghetti or macaroni that has been on the shelf too long as much as 10 or 15 minutes, but you really shouldn’t ever get stuck with that!  Most good Italian delis have fresh pasta that requires only 4 to 8 minutes.  A lot of cookbooks say cook “al dente” which in Italian means “to the teeth”.  What they mean is cook it until the starch taste is gone, but the strands or pieces are still firm and somewhat chewy – not, for god’s sake, sticky, nor, even worse, “very limp”.  If you knew me well, you’d know what “very limp” means!

Now back to some recipes.

Spaghetti Povura Uomo (Poor Man)

This is one of the most delightful pasta dishes I’ve ever eaten.  Supposedly called poor man’s spaghetti because its ingredients are all available at low cost in Italy.

Tomatoes (drained, canned, or fresh peeled)

Ripe olives, sliced

4 to 8 dried red peppers

Dry white wine

A little oregano

¼ cup olive oil

Freshly grated Romano or Parmagiana Cheese

Freshly cooked spaghetti

Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste                Garlic or not as you wish

Sauté the peppers whole in about a quarter cup of olive oil until they turn black.  Remove peppers and discard.  Add tomatoes, oregano, garlic and olives and enough white wine to make a medium thin sauce.  Put on medium heat and boil until slightly reduced.  Serve at once over freshly cooked and drained pasta; add grated cheese, salt and pepper to taste.  Toss and serve at once.  Hot Italian bread or cold hard rolls, chilled green salad with oil and vinegar and a bottle of Chianti or Italian table red and you’ve dined as the poor men do in Italy.

You may be interested to know that the first time I ever was served poor man’s spaghetti, and the place I got the recipe, was in the plush dining room of the Cavallieri Hilton in Rome – which ain’t exactly a poor man’s hangout!

Spaghetti Carbonara is a relatively little known pasta dish, which is easy to prepare, fantastic to taste and fattening!

Spaghetti Carbonara

Fry four strips of bacon cut in ¼ inch pieces in one-half of a quarter pound stick butter.  Prepare spaghetti.  Put the yolk of one egg (raw) in a large bowl, add the spaghetti, toss, add the bacon and the drippings, grated Parmagiana (liberal amount), salt, freshly grated black pepper, chopped fresh parsley and toss until thoroughly mixed.  Serve immediately with fresh sliced tomatoes dressed with salt, pepper, and lemon juice, and Italian bread.  A Bolla Soave or dry Chablis or a Chianti will be good.  (This recipe is for one person.  You add one yoke for each person and the appropriate amount of bacon, pasta and butter).

Spaghetti Bolognese

When we lived in Italy in the sixties, we had a wonderful person running our apartment for us – “Maria”.  She was cook, housekeeper, purchasing agent, advisor, friend and part of the family.

A few years ago we brought her over to stay a couple of months and she loved it!  We loved it even more.  One of Maria’s many, many specialties was Spaghetti Bolognese.  If you review the recipe you will find that it is extremely simple and uncomplicated, but time-consuming.

One night when Maria was making Bolognese, I decided to help her improve on it.  I suggested that we add mushrooms, oregano and garlic.  I was withered!  With one look!  And I take a lot of withering!  “Signor”, she said sarcastically, “va bene, ma non e Bolognese.”  Which means, “very well, but it’s not Bolognese.”

I hope that hundreds of restaurants find this out some day.

It may be good, but unless it’s made like this, “non e Bolognese”.

1-1½ lb. finely ground chuck or round

½ cup cold water

1/8 lb. butter

2 carrots

Salt

1 large can peeled tomatoes

2 stalks celery

1 medium onion

1½ cups dry white wine

3 T. olive oil

4 T. chopped celery

Grate onion, carrots and celery and put in 4-quart pan with butter and oil.  Cook at medium heat stirring constantly (should bubble vigorously) until onion is golden color (do not let get brown).  Add ½ cup cold water continuing to stir for one minute.  Add meat; cook for 3 to 5 minutes.  Continue to stir.  Cover and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Add white wine and tomatoes (broken up) and 4 T. finely chopped celery including tops.  Add salt to taste.  Cook for 1 hour at medium heat (bubbling briskly), stirring frequently.  Cook ¾ lb. Tagliatelli or Spaghettini in boiling water until al dente (firm but pliable), about 6 minutes.  Drain and put in bowl.  Add a portion of sauce, toss to lightly coat pasta.

Serve pasta on individual plates with additional sauce and Parmagiana grated over top.  Serves 2-3.  Sauce may be made ahead and re-heated.

Spaghetti Or Linguini With Clam Sauce – White

If you want to eat pasta with red clam sauce - which some people do - fine, go ahead, but you ain’t gonna blame it on me.

Clam Sauce

1 quart of unshelled clams (or 1 can chopped clams)

1 cup of dry white wine (or dry vermouth)

1 onion (medium-sized)

1 carrot

1 stalk of celery

½ cup olive oil

3 cloves of garlic

½ cup of chopped parsley

1½ T. chopped fresh basil                                                Italian parsley

Salt and pepper

Wash the clams well and remove all the grit.  Place them in a deep kettle and add the wine.  Peel the onion and carrot and cut in fine strips.  Cut the celery in strips.  Add the vegetables to the kettle, cover it tightly and heat.  Steam until the clamshells open.  Remove them from the kettle and discard any with unopened shells, shell the rest of the clams and set them aside.  Strain the broth in the kettle and return it to the stove to boil down.  Let it reduce to one half its volume.  Chop the clams.  Heat the olive oil in a skillet and peel and chop the garlic and add this to the oil.  Add the parsley and basil and season to taste with salt and freshly ground black pepper.  Let this simmer for a few minutes.  Then add the reduced clam broth and finally the chopped clams.  Pour over spaghetti or noodles and top with grated Parmesan cheese.

Pasta and Hamburger and Red, Red Wine

Almost as good as cigarettes and whiskey and wild, wild women!

1 medium onion, chopped

1 clove garlic, minced

½ green pepper, finely chopped

¼ cup olive oil

Sauté the vegetables in the olive oil until soft.  Then add:

1 lb. finely ground chuck, stirring frequently until done, ¼ t. oregano, 1 crumbled bay leaf, ½ t. basil, 1 large can of tomatoes (drained), Salt and pepper, 4 oz. can of mushroom stems and pieces (drained) and 1 cup red wine (dry) (Gallo Chianti works fine!)

Simmer for at least one hour, adding wine as necessary (to the sauce, you dummy, not down your throat).  Two hours is better!

Serve over freshly cooked and drained spaghetti, grate Romano cheese over it and, if no one objects, sprinkle with about a quarter teaspoon per serving of dried ground red pepper or red pepper seeds.  Toss thoroughly.  Serve with chilled cut up curly endive dressed with a medium (not too sweet) French dressing with whole capers added, hot garlic bread and your choice of a light white wine, a Chianti or beer.

Other Variations In Sauces And The “Serve Withs”

Use hot or sweet Italian sausage in your red sauce, either whole, or with skin removed.

Sausage and Peppers.  Use the above Pasta, Hamburger and Red, Red Wine recipe, but omit hamburger, use whole Italian sausage and green peppers cut in quarters lengthwise, and you have sausage and peppers – as a main dish or to make a great hero grinder, po boy, hoagie, submarine or torpedo.

Pesto sauce is so controversial and has been made so many ways that I refuse to become involved in the controversy.  However, it is made with fresh basil and garlic and olive oil and something and it’s delicious.  I wish I knew how to make it.

Stuffed Lasagna

1 lb. lasagna, green or white

Rich meat sauce (ToC)

1½ lb. Italian sausage

4 hard-cooked eggs, sliced

1 lb. ricotta cheese

¼ cup chopped parsley (Italian)

1 lb. mozzarella cheese, sliced

Grated Parmesan or Romano cheese

Broil or sauté the sausage until nicely browned on all sides and then drain off the fat.  Slice into ¼” pieces.  Cook the lasagna in boiling, salted water until just tender but not mushy.  Drain thoroughly.  Butter a large baking dish (preferably a square one) and line the bottom with lasagna, overlapping them slightly.  Add a layer of rich meat sauce, a layer of the sausage slices, a layer of sliced eggs and then sprinkle with a little chopped parsley.  Add another layer of lasagna, then a layer of ricotta, some sauce and a layer of sliced mozzarella, topped with a little chopped parsley.  Continue these layers until all the ingredients are used, making the top layer of lasagna.  Sprinkle well with grated Parmesan or Romano cheese and bake in a 350-degree oven for 25 minutes or until lightly browned on top and bubbling.

This dish is even better heated up the second day.

Variations

With meatballs:               Substitute tiny meatballs for the sausage.

With cheese only:                Omit the sauce, eggs and sausage and make layers of lasagna, mozzarella, ricotta, and parmesan or Romano cheese.  Dot each layer with butter.

With fish:                Substitute cooked, flaked fish or canned, for the sausage.

With anchovies:               Substitute anchovies for the sausage.

Fried Rice

1 lb. ham, barbecued pork or other cooked meat

2 t. salt

Pepper

3 cups cold cooked long-grain rice

4 green onions

Peanut oil or cooking oil

2 eggs

2 to 3 t. monosodium glutamate

3 T. soy sauce

1 can bean sprouts, drained

Cut meat in julienne strips.  Then cut crosswise in fine dice.  Coat skillet with oil.  Break in eggs and when cooked, stir.  Season with salt, monosodium glutamate and a dash of pepper.  Add meat, soy

sauce, and rice; stir together.  Add bean sprouts, stir with lifting motion.  Cut onions, including green tops in slices, add to fried rice and serve.  Makes about 8 servings.

Chapter Six

Vegetables & Salads

There are probably more rock bound opinions, violent arguments, and angry discussions over vegetables.  Most people swear by them or swear at them.  There is very little middle ground opinion regarding likes and dislikes.

The first classification in our study of the vegetable syndrome is the I Hate ‘Em group.  They’re usually the meat and potatoes gang who ignore the fact that the potato is classified as a vegetable.

But green vegetables, salads, etc., - hell no, that’s cattle feed.

The second group is the I Love ‘Em group and this is made up of a wide variety of unchangeable opinions on how vegetables should be prepared.

Here are some of them:

1. The boil the bejesus out of them bunch

2. The salt pork school

3. The lightly sprinkle group

4. The no salt squad

5. The “only eat ‘em raw” establishment

6. The salt and pepper and garlic gang

7. The “hollandaise sauce” horde.

Well, let’s take one long look at each class.

1. The boil the bejesus school … Put a lot of pepper sauce on them - if you like pepper sauce.

2. The salt pork school … Hi!  Cholesterol.

3. The lightly sprinkle group … Healthy but horrible.

4. The no salt group … Tastes just like creamed tablecloth.

5. The “eat ‘em raw” establishment … What’s up, doc?

6. The salt and pepper and garlic gang … Please pass to leeward.

7. And last … the “hollandaise sauce” horde … A little more sauce, please …

Anyhow, this chapter is not meant, by any means, to be a complete collection of vegetables and salad recipes.  In the first place, some vegetables must have been put here just to fill up space.  It’s like they say about some parts of west Texas …“it’s just there to hold the world together.”

There are people who rave over broccoli and cauliflower.  But you notice they always slather it with some kind of fancy rich sauce.  That’s cause they like the rich sauce and are willing to put up with the taste of the other crap in order to get it.

A statement made by my late father best expresses my feelings about them.  When mother asked him about a dish, he very quietly said, “I not only would not eat it, my dear, I wouldn’t even step in it.”

I list below the rating of vegetables according to the Honest John system:

A is awful (avoid)

B is bad (eat only in emergency)

C is careful (can possible be made to taste pretty good)

D is delightful (good almost all the time)

H means somewhere in this book there is a recipe for them.

Artichokes                            B              Too much work

Asparagus                            C              Fresh with

Hollandaise sauce

Beans

- kidney                            D

- lima                                          D

- butter                            D

- navy                                          D              I like beans!

- white                                          D

- pinto                                          D

- black                                          D

Beets                                          C              Pickled or in borsch

H

Broccoli              A              Look the other way

and               hold your nose

Cabbage                                          C              In cole slaw or

sauerkraut or boiled with corned beef - H

Carrots              C              Raw:  excellent;

cooked:              a disaster

Cauliflower                            A              Go to the club if

it’s being served at home

Celery                                          C              (See carrots)

Chicory                                          C              (See endive)

Chickpeas                            C              In hummus or

pickled

Chow Chow                            D              A mixture of

vegetables

Collard greens              C              Like that

illegitimate kid down the street –really nice but an outcast H

Corn                                          D              Every way except

raw

Cucumbers                            D              Hot salad H,

marinated, molded salad H

Eggplant              C              Parmagiana, or in

ratatouille H

Endive                            D              What we call endive

is really chicory but it’s good in a salad H

Finocchio              A              Forget it!

Garlic                            C              Like 160 proof

brandy; good in small

doses

Hominy                            C              Ok if prepared

properly

Kale                                          B              Kind of a bastard

cabbage

Kohlrabi                            A              Member of the United

Nothings League along with broccoli and cauliflower

Leeks                            C               An onion designed

by a committee

Lettuce                            D              Anyway you eat it, it’s

good

Mushrooms              D              Sautéed H, baked,

stuffed H, pickled H

Mustard

Greens                            C              In a salad when

tender (see spinach)

Okra                            D              Unloved but lovely H

Onions                            D              Anywhere, any way, any

time

Palm,

Hearts of              B              Leave ‘em in the

tree

Parsley                            B              I’m a member of

SPPPPPPP (Society for the Prevention of Putting Parsley on People’s Plates

in Public Places)

Parsnips                            A              Nature’s mistake

Peas

- green                            C

- black-eyed              C              Better’n grits  H

Peppers

- sweet                            D              Good

- mild                            D              Better

- hot                            D              Best H

Potatoes -

- Irish                            D              Fried, Roasted, Boiled H

Salad:  great,

Mashed: Ugh!

Potatoes

- Sweet              C              Baked then mashed with

salt and butter – ok, Candied - Yuk!

Rutabaga              B              Only in sheer

desperation

Sauerkraut              C              Cook with an onion

in beer - serve with bratwurst

Spinach                            D              In salad only  H.  A

disaster when cooked

Squash                            A              Squish

Tomatoes              D              Any way

Truffles              C              Cost of a truffle is

no trifle

Turnips                            B              Run, don’t walk to the

nearest exit

Watercress              A              (See parsley)

Zucchini                            C              Fried or in ratatouille

(see eggplant)

Honest John’s Baked Beans

1 large can pork and beans

8 strips bacon

2 dried red peppers

½ t. garlic salt

1 T. brown sugar

3 T. India relish

1 large onion, chopped

1 cup Longhorn cheese cubes

½ Cup Catsup

1 T. Mustard

Chop four strips bacon and fry together with onions in heavy pan or Dutch oven.  When bacon is nearing the crisp stage, add beans, relish, peppers, cheese, 2 T. catsup, mustard, garlic salt and brown sugar.  Mix well.  Top with remaining bacon strips and bake in 325 degree oven one hour.

Borscht Moskovskii (Russia)

2 T. butter

½ lb. white cabbage, quartered, cored and ½ cup finely chopped onions coarsely shredded

1½ lb. beets, peeled and cut into strips              1/8” wide by 2” long (about 5 cups)

Freshly ground black pepper

2 qts. beef stock

¼ lb. boiled ham, cut into 1-inch cubes

¼ cup red wine vinegar

¼ lb. all-beef frankfurters, cut into ½ inch thick rounds

1 t. sugar

2 tomatoes, peeled, seeded and coarsely chopped

1 lb. boiled brisket from the stock,

cut into 1-inch cubes

2 t. salt

4 sprigs parsley, tied together with 1 bay leaf

½ cup finely cut fresh dill

1 Cup Sour cream

In a 6 to 8 quart pot, melt the butter over moderate heat.  Add the onions and, stirring frequently, cook 3 to 5 minutes, or until they are soft but not brown.  Stir in the beets, add the wine vinegar, sugar, chopped tomatoes, 1 t. of the salt and a few grindings of black pepper.  Pour in ½ cup of the stock, cover the pan and simmer undisturbed for 50 minutes.  Pour the remaining stock into the pot and add the shredded cabbage.  Bring to a boil, stir in the ham, frankfurters and beef.  Submerge the tied parsley and bay leaf in the soup; add another t. of salt, simmer, partially covered for ½ hour.  Transfer the borscht to a large tureen and sprinkle with fresh dill or parsley.  Accompany the soup with a bowl of sour cream, to be added to the borsch at the discretion of each diner.  Serves 6 to 8.

Collard Greens

2 large bunches collard greens

1 onion, peeled

2 dried red peppers

½ lb. salt pork

Ham hocks (optional)

Salt

Pepper

1 t. sugar

Thoroughly wash 2 large bunches of collard greens.  Cut off lower part of tough stems.  Put greens in large pot with onion, peppers, salt pork and ham hocks (if used).  Add salt and pepper and sugar.  Cover with water.  Do not cut up greens.  Cover pot and boil vigorously for 20 to 30 minutes or until meat is tender.  Lift out collards, draining liquid back into pot.  Put greens on platter and cut into small pieces.  Slice salt pork and ham hocks and put on platter.

Serve with cornbread, butter, pepper sauce, sliced tomatoes and buttermilk or iced tea.

Hot Salad

1 large cucumber, peeled and sliced thinly crosswise

2 onions, chopped coarsely

2 large tomatoes, cut in small pieces

3 fresh green hot peppers (jalapenos, yellow hots, serranos, etc.), cut in small pieces crosswise

2 cups vinegar

1 cup water

Salt, pepper, sugar

Put all cut up ingredients in glass bowl, add liberal amounts of salt and pepper, enough of the vinegar and water (2 parts vinegar to one part water) to cover and 1 t. of sugar.  Mix well, cover and marinate for at least 2 hours.

Goes well with barbecue, roast meats, or baked beans and bratwurst.

Molded Cucumber Salad

1 pkg. lime Jell-O

1 pt. cottage cheese (creamed)

1 cup chopped almonds

1 large cucumber (diced or ground)

1 small onion (ground)

1 T. lemon juice

1 cup Miracle Whip Salad Dressing

Dissolve Jell-O in ¾ cup hot water.  Cool.  Add cottage cheese, almonds, cucumber, and onion.  Mix and add lemon juice and salad dressing.  Put in either small molds or large bowl and refrigerate until set.

Serve, when chilled, with sour cream or additional salad dressing.

Ratatouille

1 small eggplant, peeled and sliced in about ½ “ slices

2 zucchini, washed, unpeeled and cut in ½” slices crosswise

3 tomatoes, sliced

1 large onion peeled and sliced

2 green peppers, seeded and cut in 8ths

1 clove garlic, finely chopped

Salt and pepper

Olive oil

In a casserole, place a layer of eggplant, a layer of zucchini, a layer of onion, a layer of pepper and a layer of tomatoes.  Sprinkle liberally with salt, pepper and chopped garlic.  Drizzle olive oil over all (about 2 T.).  Repeat layers if any vegetables remain.  Cover and cook at 325 degrees until vegetables are tender and blended together.  Correct seasoning and serve.

Endive Salad

Large bunch of crisp, curly endive

One onion, chopped

Endive dressing.

Thoroughly wash the endive.  Remove root and cut endive into small pieces in large bowl.  Add chopped onion and chill.  Prepare dressing (recipe below) and chill for 1 hour.  Thoroughly mix dressing and endive (best done by use of hands rather than trying to toss with fork and spoon as dressing is thick).  Salt and pepper to taste.

May be served immediately or held in refrigerator for several hours.

Endive Dressing

½ lb. bacon cut in about 1” pieces, fried

¾ cup flour

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

2 T. French mustard

1 cup vinegar

½ cup water

Mix flour, sugar, eggs, French mustard, vinegar, and water.  Beat all together, then put in bacon and cook until thick. Refrigerate and when cold, mix with endive and onions.

Fried Hominy

1 large can hominy (yellow or white)

1 large onion, chopped

1 large green pepper, chopped

Cooking oil

Salt and pepper

Garlic powder

Drain hominy.  In small amount of cooking oil, sauté onion and pepper.  Add hominy, salt, pepper, and a dash of garlic powder.  Continue cooking until thoroughly heated through, adding small amount of oil, if needed.  Serve hot.

Sautéed Mushrooms

1 lb. fresh mushrooms, assorted sizes

2 T. butter

2 T. oil

Worcestershire sauce

Grated Parmesan cheese

Wash and stem mushrooms - leave caps whole and coarsely chop stems.  Sauté in oil, butter and few drops of Lea and Perrins.  When somewhat soft, but not mushy, put in bowl with liquid and sprinkle with Parmesan.  Serve with meat.

Stuffed Mushrooms

12 large fresh mushrooms

4 oz. cream cheese

½ pkg. of prepared taco mix

Tabasco® sauce

3 T. white wine

Sliced stuffed olives

Wash and stem mushrooms.  Place caps and stems in pan and boil for 3 minutes.  Cool.  Finely chop stems.  Mix together cream cheese, taco mix, wine, mushroom stems and a few drops Tabasco®.  Blend well.  Stuff caps, top with sliced stuffed olives and chill.   Serve as hors’d’ouerve or accompaniment to steak and salad.

Pickled Mushrooms

1 lb. fresh mushrooms

Vinegar

Salt

½ pkg. pickling spice

Clean mushrooms.  Boil for 3 minutes.  In saucepan, combine 2 parts vinegar to 1 part water, add ½ pkg. of pickling spice and liberal amounts of salt.  Bring to a boil, stir and turn off heat.  Put boiled mushrooms in deep bowl or jar, cover with vinegar mixture and marinate at least 24 hours.  Serve as nibbling food with cocktails.

Black-Eyed Peas

1 lb. or more (shelled) black-eyed peas

¼ lb. salt pork

Small ham hock (optional)

Onion

3 dried red peppers

Salt and pepper

Wash peas, put in pot, add salt pork, ham hock, peeled onion cut in half, peppers and small amount salt and pepper.  Add water to cover by 1 inch.  Bring to boil, lower heat to maintain gentle boil and cover.  After an hour or so, check to see if pork and ham are done, and peas are soft.  Serve with hot cornbread, pepper sauce and the hot cucumber salad (ToC).

Pickled Hot Peppers

Hot peppers (jalapenos, serranos, Louisiana hots, etc.)

Coarse salt

Vinegar

Water

Sterilized jars

Wash and pack peppers in sterilized jars.

In pan on stove put 2 parts vinegar, 1 part water (amount depends on number of jars).  Add salt and stir until a raw egg (in the shell) floats.  Remove egg, bring mixture to a boil and pour over peppers.  Seal jars and let stand overnight.  Tighten lids and put away for at least three weeks.  Then chill and serve as side dish or chop with fresh tomatoes and onions for a delicious Mexican sauce.

Raw carrots, cauliflower and small onions may be packed into the peppers.  They will be crispy and not as spicy as the peppers.

Spinach Salad

1 lb. spinach (washed, dried and chilled)

4 slices raw bacon, diced

1 t. brown sugar

¼ cup little green onions

¼ t. salt

1½ t. vinegar

1/8 t. dry mustard

Dash of paprika

Cut spinach.  Cook diced bacon in skillet, medium high until crisp.  Reduce heat to moderate.  Add all ingredients (except spinach) and bring to boiling point and then remove from heat.  Pour dressing over spinach and toss.

French Fried Potatoes

Peel four large baking size potatoes.  Leave whole and put in cold water.  When ready to cook, put skillet on stove with ½” cooking oil.  Set at medium heat (6 on a scale of 10), take out potatoes, dry them and cut in thin pieces.  When oil is hot put in one layer of cut potatoes.  When potatoes just start to brown, sprinkle with salt right through the oil.  When at desired brown, remove to paper-towel covered platter and put in 250 degree oven to keep warm.  (Do not salt again.)  Repeat until all potatoes are cooked.

Remember … never cut the potato until you are ready to cook it.  All pieces must be dry.  Salt one time only through the oil for each batch.    Enjoy!

American Fried Potatoes

Prepared and cooked exactly like French fries (above), except the potatoes are sliced in full length slices about 1/8” thick, not cut as in French fries.

Otherwise follow French fries instructions exactly.

That’s about all, and I hope you vegetarians and broccoli boosters and cauliflower connoisseurs didn’t go into a state of shock!  If every guy liked the same chick, things would be pretty screwed up.

So, everybody to their own choice and I’ll have a scotch, thank you!

Chapter Seven

Tips and Mish-Mash

This is a collection of odds and ends - mostly odds that fell off the desk.

1. What to do when you’re feeling low - feel a little higher!

2.              Remember, no matter how strict a diet you are on, you can always look at the menu!

3.              If you can’t get completely stoned by noon, don’t get up at all!  You’ve wasted the best part of the day.

4.              We used to have this little verse:  “You get a line, I’ll get a pole; We’ll go down to the crawdad hole.”

Simple, isn’t it?  Crawdad holes were private places and crawdads can’t talk!

But now it’s:

“You get a fix,

I’ll get a spoon,

And we’ll be on the way to the moon!”

Ah well, different strokes for different folks!

By the way, if I’ve missed one trite saying that you remember, send it to me with a self-addressed, stamped envelope and enclose a couple dollars for handling.  I’ll send you the most profuse and insincere thank-you note you have ever received.  Even better than the one to that new daughter-in-law you don’t like who sent you ear muffs for Christmas in Arizona!

It seems to me that when I set up a chapter on tips, I meant it to be tips about cooking!

All is not lost

5.              Never fry fish or potatoes at more than medium heat!

6.              Soft fish, like a soft mattress, are unbearable!  In fact, there are a lot of soft things that are unbearable!  But two soft things are great! = soft women and soft music!

7.              When you’re preparing potatoes for frying, peel them, and leave them whole in cold water!  When ready to fry, take one out, dry completely with paper towel, cut as you wish for shoestring, French fries, American fried, cottage fried, etc., and cook immediately.

8.              When you’re dressing a salad, be a miser with vinegar and a profligate with oil!  In fact, being a profligate with anything is better than being a miser!  (except vinegar)

Tips (of all kinds except monetary)

9.              If you’re not in bed by eleven p.m., go home!

10.              2 plus 2 may be 4, but 1 on 1 has unlimited possibilities.

11.              My pappy gave me some great advice - one of his best tips was, “Son,” (he always called me Son, thank God), “when you’re playing golf, you can lose all the other holes, but always win 9 and 18.”

12.              I have a theory abut women.  It takes a bit of preliminary discussion.  Concrete is hard and not pliable.  So is steel and rock, etc.  Butter is soft and pliable, as are textiles and many other things.  No manufactured product can be both!  Women (God bless them) are hard, unyielding, tough and sweet, lovable, pliable, yielding and in total control.  And they can switch from one to the other so fast that us poor old men, and you poor young men, are left most times with something dangling!  A participle, a chin, a jaw or something - usually an idea!  Fooled you, didn’t I?

Poetry (?)

Having been a hunter of things big and small,

Of two-legged quail, either flying or tall,

Of deer with an e and dear with an a,

Of doves that can fly and of doves that will play,

Of tigers that roar and pussy cats that purr,

Of pigeons that soar and chicks that demur!

The most rewarding hunt in my life

Was the hunt that resulted in finding my wife!

From seeking and chasing what I call a covey,

Of delightful young things which might really be lovey,

I now hunt the quail dressed with feather,

And confine my inquiries to “How’s the duck weather?”

I’ve come to the conclusion with brilliant insight

That the statement, “Onward, still onward, oh time in thy flight”

Should read -

“It goes downward, still downward, it won’t work tonight!”

Requiem for a D.O.M.

The joys of youth have vanished,

The fires of youth are out,

That which once was a magic wand

Is now but a waterspout.

For additional copies, go to www.gotchasecretarial.com

Or

betsy@gotchasecretarial.com

1645 E. Missouri, Ste. 420

Phoenix, AZ 85016