Mother to Daughter

Shared Wisdom from the Heart

by Melissa Harrison & Harry H. Harrison Jr.

WORKMAN PUBLISHING COMPANY • NEW YORK

Acknowledgments

This book was the combined effort of a number of remarkable women who shared stories of their mothers, daughters, and grandmothers. Special thanks go to Rosalie Mayo and the late Sweet Hopkins, who went above and beyond to help recruit women for this project. And the ladies in the “Bee” revealed the power of a group of women who love one another and stand by each other without even a hint of jealousy.

Thanks to: Gigi Berry, Angela Bibb, Judy Birkes, Trish Bittle, Steph Brinlee, LaShaw Christen, Dena Compton, Julianne Drost, Erika Everett, Carol Flores, Susan Hood, Ivy Hopkins, Kendal Hopkins, Sweet Hopkins, Robbie Johnson, Sharon Johnson, Theresa Kainer, Carole Kaney-Francis, Kathy King, Jean Klinger, Laurie Kohl, Cathy Krejci, Amy Krupka, Nancy McCord, Stephanie Methvin, Jeannette Miesse, Jordan Murphy, Susan Newberry, Eileen Oden, Lynn O’Shea, Claire Parker, Lisa Rees, Suzanne Scott, Christine Somers, Sara Sowan, Martha Stammer, Brooke Sullivan, Melissa Trycha, Tatum Tuthill.

Contents

Preface

The Five Keys

The Bonding Years

The Awkward Years

Girls & Beauty

Girls & Other Girls

Girls & Boys

Girls & Extracurricular Activities

Girls & Money

Girls & Success

Girls & Spirituality

Older Girls

Also Available

About the Author

Preface

“It is a mystical relationship.”

—Gigi

There have been ten jillion books about how to repair the mother-daughter relationship.

Precious few about building it.

This is what Mother to Daughter is about.

A mother’s relationship with her daughter starts before the beginning; in fact, it starts in the mother’s own childhood. Because the childhood she has determines the childhood she’ll give her own daughter.

A mother teaches her daughter how to feel about herself, about handling pressure, about relishing life’s joys and conquering fears. She teaches her daughter about true beauty, how to dress up, when to turn on the charm, the importance of trusting God, and how to care for a daughter of her own someday. She teaches her daughter everything she knows about being an independent woman, then gets frustrated beyond belief when her daughter acts like one.

As one mom said, “Raising a daughter is like growing a flower. You give it your best. If you’ve done your job well, she blooms. And after that, she leaves.”

All moms instinctively know this. Maybe loving someone so much, someone who is so much a part of you, is what makes the mother-daughter relationship so special. Mothers know that love is forever. And that’s a lesson their daughters can’t wait to pass along.

For more parenting insights, visit fearlessparenting.com.

The Five Keys

1. Be her mother. Not her best friend.

2. Let her live her own dreams. Don’t try to make her live yours.

3. Be a strong, confident woman.

4. Be a good wife. You’re shaping her future relationships with men.

5. Be aware that your goal is not to be the center of her life forever, but to work yourself out of a job.

The Bonding Years

Get ready for the most intimate, explosive, loving relationship you’ll ever have. Except for the one you had with your mom.

Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don’t wait until she’s eighteen.

Accept the fact that she is Daddy’s little girl. She knows this in the cradle already.

Realize you may not be able to imagine leaving her and going back to work. That’s perfectly okay.

Realize it’s normal to check on her fifty times a night in the beginning.

Forget that you used to be cool and sexy. Nowadays, you won’t leave the house without a stroller, a diaper bag, snacks, blankets, stuffed animals, and something to disinfect your hands.

Early on, raise her to be adventurous.

Remember, successfully changing a little girl’s diaper means:

1. Nothing hits you in the face.

2. Your clothes remain clean.

3. Your sense of smell still functions.

Keep in mind that all she wants to be doing—for the better part of her young life—is what you’re doing.

Know the names of her dolls and stuffed animals. Ask her to tell you stories about them.

Play tickle monster with her.

Making her laugh will be your primary occupation. Hard-nosed investment bankers have been known to make weird faces and crazy sounds in the most public places just to be rewarded with a smile.

Be prepared. Little girls’ emotions surprise even their mothers.

Start off her baking career by letting her decorate the holiday cookies with sugar and sprinkles. She’ll love it. She might even hit a cookie or two.

Realize that as a mom your job is to decipher if she’s crying because something is wrong or if she just wants attention. Men have never figured it out.

Help her memorize her full name and address. This is more important than the ABCs.

Agree to let her brush and style your hair. And Dad’s hair. This urge will pass in a couple of years.

Learn the songs she sings at school and sing them together.

Just accept that while you may have saved all your Barbie dolls for this very moment, she may play with them for . . . ten minutes.

Introduce her to the joys of a lawn sprinkler in the summertime. Little girls love to splash around.

Start saving for dance lessons. And piano. And gymnastics. And swimming. And cheerleading. And soccer. And basketball. And volleyball. For starters.

Remember, the traditions you establish now will be passed on to her daughter.

Don’t feel guilty when you absolutely need a little space. Just get a sitter.

Make her tea parties special events—invite all the teddy bears in the house, “eat” the cookies she hands you, pour milk and put sugar in your cup, go the whole nine yards.

Have a skipping contest. This is especially handy when you need to get somewhere fast.

Never let her question that you love her unconditionally.

Display her drawings as carefully as you display your other artwork.

Resolve not to do anything for her that she can do for herself. This will serve the two of you well for years to come.

Read to her every night—classics from your childhood, as well as her own favorites.

Watch how she talks to her dolls. You’ll learn how you’re talking to her.

Teach her to be a little kinder than necessary.

Enjoy the moment. Breathe. Show her that a mom can sit down on the floor and relax.

Check little brothers and pets regularly for glued-on sequins and stars, glitter, or lipstick.

Tell her she can be anything she wants. But then don’t ask her why in the world she wants to be an actress or a doctor or soldier or housewife.

Put little love notes in her lunch box. Draw pictures if she can’t read yet.

Watch what her babysitters wear around her. Older girls are her role models.

Cherish the days when she looks up and says, “I love you.”

Show her that even at the age of four an especially difficult day can be made better with a bubble bath.

Don’t be afraid that an unhappy relationship with your mother means you’ll have the same kind of relationship with your daughter. If anything, you know what mistakes to avoid.

Put on some music, crank up the volume, and show her how to boogie.

Let her fall down. Let her pick herself back up again. Let her develop determination.

Realize that she’ll know when it’s time for the training wheels to come off. (This will be true pretty much her whole life.)

Don’t think doing everything right will eliminate confrontations, tears, accusations, and emotional outbursts. In fact, these often mean you are doing everything right.

Buy her “boy” toys, too, like chemistry sets, building blocks, miniature cars, and baseball gloves.

Make dinnertime sacred. Everyone is to attend. Everyone will be heard.

Pop a big bowl of popcorn, sit down with her, and watch The Princess Diaries for the sixty-third time.

Share stories of your mother and grandmothers with her. Remember, girls are keepers of the flame.

Let her pick out fabric, then sew doll clothes together. If you can’t sew, help her make paper doll clothes.

Don’t go overboard on praise. Be specific or it will stop meaning anything.

Give her a garden row all her own, where she can plant sunflowers or pumpkins or cherry tomatoes. Her biggest thrill will be eating something that she grew herself.

You’ll always be surprised by her stages. Even though you went through them, too.

Go on a picnic together, just the two of you. Even if it’s in your backyard.

Introduce her to the wonder and joys of the library. Even if you buy her an e-reader later.

Make ice cream sundaes together. Frozen yogurt is an acceptable substitute; hot fudge is irreplaceable.

Put together a huge box of dress-up clothing, with different hats and cowgirl gear and princess “jewelry” for her to play with. She (and her friends) will love this.

Teach her how to climb a tree (and climb back down) and to swing across the monkey bars. Let her learn she’s strong.

Write poems together and preserve them. You’ll both love reading your poetry years from now.

She’ll be hearing about the dangers of alcohol and drugs as soon as school begins. She needs to hear it from you, too.

Take her to the ocean. It will be magic.

Let her smear her face with your lipstick, put on your earrings, and stagger around in your high heels. But remind her, no wearing makeup out of the house until you say so.

Teach her manners early. And enforce them, even when she’s thirteen. (Especially when she’s thirteen.)

Send her postcards when you’re out of town.

Teach her to see the world with fresh eyes every morning.

Realize she’s going to grow up with smartphones, laptops, tablet computers, iPods, and social media. Your only hope is to have her teach you about these things.

Teach her to pick up after herself. This will serve her well the rest of her life.

Take her to work with you once in a while so she can see what you do. (Let her help you and she’ll feel very important.)

Keep in mind that she’s always watching you: how you care for your family, how you worship, how you handle life.

Keep a journal about her. Give it to her when she’s eighteen.

Never make her feel responsible for your anger. Unless she is responsible.

Praise her for her abilities and accomplishments, not just her looks.

Don’t think that just because school starts, your life will slow down. PTA beckons.

Remember, the secret to having deep, candid conversations with her when she’s a teenager is to start having those conversations with her now.

Realize that most girls’ strengths are reading and verbal communication. But introduce her to brainteasers, logic puzzles like Sudoku, and strategy games like chess, as well.

Post a rule: No whining.

When she’s about seven years old, she’ll start noticing what people have. Teach her to pay more attention to what people are.

Prepare her for the peer pressure she’s going to face in school. It can start insanely early.

Don’t buy the message that eight-year-olds should have their tummies exposed, thighs revealed, and lips glossed.

Start her skiing or snowboarding early. She’ll soon be able to dust the boys.

Remember, little girls can get so obsessed with the concept of “fairness” that they’ll have twenty-four-hour calculators going in their heads.

She’s going to want an iPhone when she’s ten. Give her a regular cell phone instead, programmed with 911, your phone number, and one other emergency contact. Then lay down laws about using it.

Buy her a diary. With a lock and key.

Realize that one of your most important jobs is to give her a sense of self—to help her define who she is, so no one else will.

Remember to tell her she’s beautiful. Inside and out.

Post her spelling words on the refrigerator door. Use them in conversation.

Make fruit-topped, Mickey Mouse–shaped pancakes together. Whipped cream and batter and fruit will go everywhere. She’ll love it.

Get her subscriptions to her own magazines.

Remember, when she trusts her mother to stand by her in times of crisis, she’ll learn to stand up for herself.

Watch that you don’t start using the word we, as in “we are in cheerleading” or “we are on the soccer team” or “we are in chorus.” It means “we” are going nuts.

Take her shopping for pretty, special-occasion outfits. Resist the urge for matching dresses.

Take her on hikes. Explore ponds and meadows. Sit outside under the stars and point out constellations. Develop her love of nature.

Teach her to write thank-you notes. For everything.

Make a tradition of mothers and sisters and grandmothers all dressing up and going to a fancy tea once a year.

Help her enjoy being a young girl. There’s plenty of time for her to be a young woman.

Teach her not to exaggerate.

Realize that playing and talking with your daughter are more important than cleaning house or making dinner.

Keep in mind that eleven-year-old girls get extremely jealous. Not only of other girls, but of boys as well.

Realize that she’ll gain confidence every time she does something outside her comfort zone. And succeeds.

Tell her the two of you may disagree or even fight sometimes. But you will always love her, no matter what.

Enjoy every moment she wants to be around you. The clock is ticking.

The Awkward Years

Realize one of life’s cruelest ironies: Many girls go through puberty at about the same time their moms enter menopause.

Be prepared. The sweetest, gentlest fifth graders have been known to metamorphose into sullen, angry, mean creatures who want nothing to do with their families.

Assure her it’s okay that she’s eight inches taller than the boys. They’ll catch up.

Just accept that one moment she’ll be clingy, and the next moment she’ll be pushing you away.

Now you have someone to enjoy chick flicks with. Leave grumbling Dad at home.

Encourage her to spend time with her grandmother. For some strange reason, they’ll get along fine.

Teach her that perfume shouldn’t knock a family out of their chairs at breakfast.

Start a mother-daughter book club with other moms and daughters. Take turns picking books—remember, you have to read what she chooses, too.

Give her a little rope. Let her learn from her mistakes while the stakes aren’t so high.

Accept that by the time she’s in middle school she doesn’t want you to know every thought in her head. And really, you don’t want to know, either.

Help her identify her strengths. And help her strengthen her weaknesses.

Realize that everything in middle school is competition—friends, popularity, grades, clothes. She’s under a lot of pressure.

Enforce three rules early on: No eye rolling. No door slamming. Mutual respect.

Remind her to respect her teachers. They hold the key to a lot of awards, honors, and recommendations.

Spend your one-on-one time doing not just what interests you, but also what interests her.

Understand that for girls, independence usually starts with hair. Ask yourself, how important is it, really, if it’s blue?

You’ll have moments when you feel like mom of the year. And moments when you’re convinced you’ve failed her. In the same conversation.

Make sure she and Dad spend time together. They both need each other.

Don’t feel guilty about being the nosy mom who always checks to see if other adults are at home at her friends’ houses. It’ll keep her out of trouble.

Tell her how well she’s doing.

Remind her that neither one of you is always right. But you’re always the mom.

Have a girls’ night with her once a month—a night when you paint toenails, watch silly TV shows, laugh, and have fun.

You’ll worry about her not belonging. Ultimately, despite all your best help and support and advice, it’s beyond your control.

Remind her that bullying is a serious issue, and teach her when she should stand up for herself and when to tell an adult.

Teach her that the last reason not to try something is the fear she may not do it well.

Ask her what color she’d like to paint her bedroom. Then spend the weekend painting it with her.

Don’t let her moods dominate the house. Or else it will be one insane house.

Don’t wait for her grades to slip before you become the homework police. Review her homework nightly.

Keep in mind that a lot of girls today have too much going on outside school.

By middle school you can tell what kind of brains God gave your daughter. And if she’s using them.

Encourage her to do a little good every day.

Keep in mind, even Mother Teresa would be driven nuts by a middle-school-age daughter.

If she temporarily loses her spine, help her find it again.

Adolescent girls can be cruel. Be there for her when her feelings get hurt.

Volunteer at her school—chaperone a dance, paint scenery for a play, shelve books in the library. It’s a great way to participate in your daughter’s life.

Don’t panic if she wants to wear thong underwear at thirteen. That’s all she’s ever seen advertised.

Let her have some control over the car radio, even if it hurts your ears. Try not to comment on her music. Really, really try.

Many former tomboys end up with “girlie” daughters, and vice versa. That’s just how it goes.

Respect her wish for privacy. Explain to her father why his daughter needs to spend ninety-seven hours holed up in her room.

Remember, in even the healthiest mother-daughter relationships, rebellion sets in. Hug her, pray for her, wait for her to come back.

Remind her that girls who act dumb to attract boys attract dumb boys.

Remember, if a TV or computer or smartphone isn’t in her bedroom, she’ll find it easier to study—and sleep.

There are advantages to playing chauffeur: Teenage girlfriends talk nonstop in the backseat. About everything.

When words utterly fail, small, kind gestures like a note or text or a funny card remind her that Mom really cares.

Remember, a cell phone is a lifeline when you start dropping her off at the mall or a concert or a game.

Point out to her that truly smart girls listen more than they talk. But they also know when to speak up.

Don’t carry grudges. You’re teaching her to do the same.

Never make the mistake of thinking if you do just a little more for her, she’ll magically become happy.

Teach her the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable. It will take her far in life.

Understand that you can’t know enough about her at this age: where she’s going, who she’s going with, what they’re doing, who they’re meeting, when they’ll be home.

Discipline with what’s important to her. Take away her computer and cell phone and you’ve removed access to her social life. Place a temporary ban on soccer or her friends’ parties.

Seems harsh, but all’s fair in love and raising daughters.

Remember, how much she tells you is all about how you react. If you go ballistic and throw a tantrum over every little thing, she’ll clam up.

Remind her that the cookie-cutter seventh and eighth graders on TV shows don’t really exist.

Keep hugging her.

Participate together in a fund-raising walk for breast cancer research. Let her discover the power of thousands of women coming together for a cause.

Don’t ever let her believe that “Whatever” is a conversation.

Don’t forget, you are as big a mystery to her as she is to you.

A lot of girls find it safer to take their frustrations out on their mothers. Tell her, ever so sweetly, that you will have none of this.

Show her how to walk in heels without tumbling over.

Take pictures even if she whines, “Mom, don’t!” Later, she’ll be glad you did.

Insist she take part in family traditions. Happily.

Enforce your rules, keep your standards high, but keep telling her you love her.

Remember, she needs a minimum of eight hours of sleep. Impose a bedtime curfew.

Try to go for a day without criticizing or correcting her.

Get her involved in volunteer work in your community. The trick is to take her mind off herself.

Accept that everything you do is going to embarrass your daughter. Especially being a good parent.

Every now and then, hold her hands, look her in the eye, and tell her she’s the daughter you always wanted.

Girls & Beauty

To some parents, makeup is ChapStick; to others, it’s lipstick and nail polish. You’re the mom here.

Explain to her dad that most girls start getting their ears pierced around the age of ten. (He’ll think twenty is more appropriate.)

Let her know she doesn’t need makeup and highlighted hair to be beautiful.

Allow her to wear what she feels great in. If there’s nothing scandalous about it, let it go—even if it’s not your style.

Show her pictures of yourself when you had geeky glasses, bad hair, and horribly lame clothes. By her standards, anyway.

If her father ever says she’s fat, whack him.

Give her the confidence to wear what she wants despite the dictates of fashion.

Encourage her to compliment other girls on their clothes. With sincerity.

If she doesn’t see a problem with the length of her skirts or shorts, suggest she model them in front of her father.

Clue her in to the airbrushing techniques, plastic surgery, and makeup artists that enhance the “naturally” beautiful celebrities and models she sees in magazines.

Teach her that no shoe in the world should require a woman to have foot surgery to wear it.

Show her how to dress like a million bucks with clothes from the sale rack. There will come a day when this is a life skill.

Teach her that the real secrets to fashion are posture and poise, voice and speech, etiquette and style. And these secrets can be learned.

If her skin is a problem, don’t hesitate to get her to a dermatologist.

Realize that no matter what your daughter wears, your husband will look at you and ask, “Do you think it’s okay if she wears that?”

Be prepared: She will compare her clothes to the other girls’. She will want to blend in, not stand out.

Don’t forget, her skin might break out, she might have to wear thick glasses, her hair might do weird things—but she still needs to think of herself as a beautiful person.

Make sure she understands never even to experiment with shoplifting. The number of girls who think they can get away with it is just staggering.

Teach her that one of the secrets of beautiful women is a good dentist. Straight, healthy, white teeth can turn more heads than cosmetic surgery.

To truly understand the generation gap, visit one of “her” stores. Moms have been known to experience hallucinations in these places.

Realize she’ll be horrified if you try to buy anything from one of “her” stores.

By eighth grade, the highest form of entertainment for her and her friends will be going to the shopping mall by themselves. Impose credit card limits.

When she starts shopping without you, remind her that Mom reserves the final right of approval. Be ready to return a lot of stuff.

Accept that your daughter may be a born fashionista who has a better sense of style than you.

Stress the importance of being fit over being thin. A lot of impressionable girls are totally confused about this.

Remember, the importance she attaches to labels is directly proportionate to who’s paying.

Explain that real beauty isn’t about a skinny body or shiny hair. Being beautiful on the inside is what really matters.

When she tells you that your hairstyle is wrong, your shoes are lame, and your jeans have got to go, it means she’s trying to help you look sixteen. Resist.

Tell her it’s okay to sometimes kick off her shoes and walk barefoot. Even in a prom dress.

Girls & Other Girls

Remember, everything she learns about trusting women starts with you.

Teach her early on not to let other girls define who she is.

Remind her that if she makes fun of her friends, she’s setting herself up for a lonely life.

Encourage her to make friends at school, on sports teams, at church, in the neighborhood . . . to have a wide range of friends from different backgrounds.

Remember, one of the hardest things for a mom to watch is when her daughter is on the outs with her friends.

Explain to her that for a while, mean girls will be popular. But the mean girl should never be her.

If she’s being ostracized, make a lot of time for her on weekends and evenings.

Explain to her father that hiring a hit man to take care of the mean girls isn’t an option.

Teach her that the girl who says, “If you talk to her, I won’t be your friend,” will never be a true friend.

Tell her about your high school reunion. That some of the happiest, most successful former classmates were basically unknowns in high school.

Teach her that a friend is somebody she can share her greatest successes with and who will be honestly happy for her.

Remind her that beauty, money, or popularity doesn’t protect against meanness. But kindness can overcome it.

There are mean girls and then there are bullies. Teach her to know the difference, and encourage her to seek your guidance if she’s being truly harassed.

Make your house the hangout house—filled with snacks and drinks and movies, where her friends are always welcome.

Teach her how to connect with other women and you’ve given her one of life’s great gifts.

Remember, she may not want to talk to you, but her friends often will. Ask away.

Teach her that the really, really kind person is never forgotten.

Girls & Boys

Tell her why you decided to marry her father. Then tell her the rest of the story.

Start discussions about your expectations, morals, and values early. If you wait till eighth grade, you’ve waited too long.

Keep in mind, there are actually two major talks you’ll have with your daughter. Before the “Boy Talk,” there’s the “What’s Happening to Your Body Talk.”

She may bring up the “Boy Talk” anywhere. Like driving home from volleyball. Don’t flinch.

Learn her lingo. “Dating” a boy in middle school might mean she talks to him in science class.

Understand she has to get the facts from you. Girlfriends are just chock-full of misinformation.

Be aware that music, TV, magazines, movies, and the Internet promote a hypersexual lifestyle. Make sure her values are not their values.

Remember, boys magically show up at girls’ slumber parties. Plan accordingly.

Keep in mind that only a fourteen-year-old girl could find anything remotely attractive about a fourteen-year-old boy.

Make sure she knows she can tell you anything. The fewer secrets at this age, the better.

Point out that if she wears clothes to draw boys’ attention to her chest, attention will be drawn. Then what?

Don’t stay up late worrying that your daughter doesn’t have a boyfriend. Get a life.

Teach her that no man is worth betraying another woman for.

Remember, even if she’s made a decision to delay sex, you need to keep talking to her about it.

Be careful about judging a boy by his looks. Learn something about him first.

Teach her how to expect to be treated by a man. So she’ll know when she’s not being treated well and will refuse to tolerate it.

Tell her to find a boy who won’t think a date to worship services is weird.

Warn her about the dangers of online “relationships.” She should know never to give out real information or take anything at face value.

Don’t push her into a relationship just so she can be popular.

Remind her and her dates that she must be home on time, bright-eyed and happy. Or else.

Don’t fall “in love” with any of her boyfriends. They will come and go.

Encourage her to invite her boyfriends over for dinner.

Encourage her not to thwart chivalry when she encounters it.

Tell her she needs to decide where her limits are before she finds herself in the heat of the moment. Because then there are no limits.

Explain that men will always feel they need to offer her advice. It’s not their fault. They’re genetically wired that way.

Stay out of her love life. Never give a strange boy your daughter’s phone number.

Remind her that reputations are fragile. And they follow you around.

Keep Dad involved. Don’t hesitate to bring him in when the issues get more serious.

When a boy breaks her heart, curiously, you’ll find yours in pieces, too.

Girls & Extracurricular Activities

Develop her interest in sports early. Even if you never played anything. It will influence her physical, mental, and moral well-being for the rest of her life.

Remember, everything is more competitive than when you were her age. Everything.

Encourage her to try a lot of different activities. But don’t invest a ton of money in any of them until she’s ready to make a commitment.

Practice soccer or basketball or softball with her. Even if you’re terrible at it.

Here’s the deal about private lessons:

1. They cost a fortune.

2. Other girls are getting them.

3. Your daughter may quit in three years anyway.

Don’t confuse your dreams with hers. Maybe she doesn’t want to be a cheerleader.

Coach her team if you know the game. Cheer on the sidelines if you don’t.

Be a soccer mom. It’s a great life.

Remember, adolescent girls are defined by their activities: “She’s in choir, she’s a gymnast, she’s an equestrian.”

If you take her defeats harder than she does, you’re not helping things.

Remember, she just may be a large girl. If she’s physically fit, who cares?

Try not to sugarcoat a difficult loss. High school girls take losing hard. And the better the athlete, the harder the loss.

Explain to her that Dad may suddenly be overcome by this urge to paint his stomach, his car, his face with her team colors. This is how men think.

Be calm about all her tryouts. She can’t worry about you and her performance.

Keep in mind that tryouts for anything can be hard on mothers and daughters. And fathers. Even brothers.

Don’t give her a speech when she loses. Give her a hug and a pizza.

It’s normal to lie awake at 1 a.m. after she decides not to try out for the cheerleading squad despite ten years of private dance and gymnastics lessons and wonder, “What did we pay for?” You kept her active, graceful, and in good health.

Remember, Remember, this is all extracurricular. Grades come first.

Realize that competitive girls’ sports are cutthroat, vicious, expensive, sometimes bloody, and often humbling. Just like life.

Make sure her coaches know what they’re doing. Then leave them alone.

Teach her to win honorably. And to lose with grace.

Girls & Money

In spite of what she tells you, all she really needs is food and clothing and shelter and love. The rest is gravy.

Teach her how to budget her spending. Even if her only source of income is babysitting.

Remind her she’s been blessed by God. And she must give something back.

Explain that if she ever loans money to a friend, she could wind up losing both.

Challenge her to figure out tips in restaurants and sales tax and percentage reductions in stores to hone her math and money skills.

Show her how to negotiate . . . for a car, a raise, a discount, a home.

Encourage her to find a summer job that matches her interests, whether it’s working at an animal shelter, day camp, or clothing store. She’ll earn money and real experience.

Review with her the costs of college and the impact of scholarships and financial aid in light of your family’s own financial situation.

Because student debt is a serious responsibility, encourage her to make thoughtful choices when it comes to choosing a college and a major.

Teach her to always carry a zero balance on all her credit cards.

Give her money smarts. Explain how to balance a checkbook, the dangers of spending more than you make, the importance of saving.

If she says all her friends are carrying $450 purses and she wants one too, smile, hug her, and suggest that she find a job.

Remind her to spend less than she could. And to give back more than she should.

Help her invest in a mutual fund when she’s in high school. She’s never too young to start financial planning.

Teach her never to be afraid to face and deal with financial fears.

Girls & Success

Remember, girls whose parents have high expectations for them also have high expectations for themselves. It just works out that way.

Work with her on her study skills. How else will she learn?

Help her understand what it means to be successful. You and your daughter should both know the answer . . . in detail.

Keep in mind that you can only provide her with opportunity. The rest is up to her.

Remind her that the path to success often requires a mentor.

Never let her forget that the only thing she can control in this life is her mind.

Help her learn the art of conversation. It will take her everywhere in life.

Talk to her about first impressions—ones she’s formed about other people, and the impressions people will have about her.

Never take credit for her successes. Or the blame for her failures.

Give her responsibility before she reaches adulthood. She’ll make mistakes, of course, but there will also be times when she’ll really impress you.

Teach her that enthusiasm is one of life’s greatest gifts . . . and that it can be learned.

Let her know she can be successful while still being kind and considerate.

Remind her that some of the most successful people in the world just had to deal with setbacks because self-indulgence was an option they could not afford.

Teach her that the healthiest women are the ones who are independent.

There will be times when she says life is unfair. Explain to her it was never a given that life is fair.

Show her how to ask for what she wants. Then to accept the outcome.

Inevitably, games will be lost, student council elections will go the wrong way. Don’t encourage her to quit when the going gets hard. Encourage her to develop some muscle.

Tell her it’s the end result that matters. Not where you start.

When she’s older, remind her that young girls now look up to her as a role model.

Never forget, the greatest barrier to her success could be too much criticism from you.

Teach her that willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is what separates the women from the girls.

Girls & Spirituality

Tell her that God created her as an answer to your prayers.

Encourage her to make choices wisely. Because even the smallest decisions can have the biggest consequences.

Teach her to find ten blessings a day. Twenty on bad days.

Stress God early in her life. Don’t wait until she’s in high school and in trouble to insist she go to church or synagogue every week.

Teach her to talk to God throughout the day, when things get rough and when things go well.

Never forget that you can’t teach your daughter about God if you don’t have a relationship with Him.

Remember, teaching her about God is not unlike teaching her about sex. It’s not done all at once—it’s the way you live your life every day.

Share your most mystical experience with her. Over and over again.

Don’t let her turn her back on life’s blessings. Teach her to stay the course.

Teach her that God gives us all different gifts. It’s how we use them that matters.

Let her see you give of yourself unselfishly. Not just your money, but your time, your patience, and your love.

Encourage her to pray for the people she doesn’t get along with. One day it could be you.

Fill your house with warmth, love, and joy, and you’ll find it’s also filled with her and her friends.

Tell her that some of life’s most puzzling questions have no simple answers.

You will have to remind her that God has a plan. And maybe it’s not for her to be a Tri-Delt, but something even more special.

Older Girls

You might easily prefer her boyfriends to her girl friends. Be prepared.

Smother her with love. Not advice.

Don’t give her rope to mope around the house. Get her up and push her out into the world.

Keep your chin up. Your real daughter will come back.

Teach her to respond to insults with class.

Discuss the non-negotiables about driving: the seat belt, the speed limit, zero texting, zero alcohol and, if she’s driving your car, no fast-food wrappers or other trash left in it.

Show her how to fill a gas tank without getting gas on her stilettos.

When necessary, remind her that reckless adolescent behavior will lead to a permanently parked car.

Teach her never to get into a car with a drunk girl or boy at the wheel. That she can always call you to pick her up, no questions asked.

Realize that some girls don’t know when they’re being drama queens and when they’re truly distraught. But wise moms do.

Remember, there may come a time when she won’t understand why she can’t stay out till 2 a.m., date a bad boy, study only one hour per week, or live apart from the family.

Do not fall into the “I just want her to be happy” trap. Happiness for her is probably foregoing homework and driving a Beemer at sixteen.

Introduce your daughter to a gynecologist by the time she turns fifteen. Tell her she’s free to find her own as long as she keeps regular appointments.

Instead of starting World War III over her room, just tell her she can’t have any new clothes until she picks up what she already owns for three months straight.

Teach her how to change a tire, to use an electric drill, to mow the lawn. She should never have to depend on some guy to do these things for her.

Join a gym together. You could probably use the exercise, and she could use the one-on-one time.

Those problems she’s telling you about? The best way to help her is to just listen.

Use the things she tells you in confidence against her and you’ve committed the ultimate betrayal.

Challenge her to take the honors and advanced placement classes her school offers. Coasting along may cost her the college of her choice.

On the other hand, she may be smart enough to handle five AP courses, but she may not have the time or strength. Help her to understand her limits.

A daughter who grows up with love and discipline will anticipate her mother’s reactions to the choices she makes.

Remind her that if she doesn’t feel good about herself, no one around her is going to feel good about her, either.

Teach her how to recognize dangerous situations. If she feels her heart racing, it’s time to get out of there.

Give her options she can use to get out of bad situations. Review them regularly.

As difficult as it may be, accept her apologies. With affection.

Recognize that for all her pulling away and moods and arguments, there will be times when she wants nothing more than to talk to her mother.

Sometimes, all you can do is be there. Without words.

Give her a budget for her prom dresses and shoes and dinners and limos and after-parties. Make it lower than your house payment.

Realize that if you still want to be involved in every aspect of her life, you really don’t have enough to do.

Tell her it’s a good idea to make friends with people smarter than she is.

Remember, a time will come when you will say, “You figure it out.” It will be hard on both of you.

Encourage her to travel.

Give her the great books you want her to read someday.

Caution her about hanging around people who like to just “kill time.” That phrase says it all.

Tell her to be careful about who she reveals her personal life to.

Take heart in knowing you might actually talk to her more often on the phone when she’s away at college than you did when she lived under your roof.

Tell her if at first she doesn’t succeed, do it the way Mom would have told her to do it in the first place.

Encourage her to settle her arguments in minutes. Not to hang on to them for weeks.

If she’s trying to choose between a boyfriend and a scholarship, insist she take the scholarship.

Tell her not to worry about being better than a man. Just be better as a woman.

Remind her that life is nothing if not a daring adventure.

Send her out into the world prepared . . . with her grandmothers’ recipe books.

Remind her over and over again: It’s all about who her friends are.

Realize sometimes she just can’t say or show that she loves you. But she does.

Caution her before she gives up her dreams for any job. Or any man.

Remember, even the oldest women need their mothers sometimes.

Don’t be jealous of her other mentors. Be grateful.

Resolve that you won’t make her feel guilty about not calling or coming over more often after she leaves home.

Tell her how much joy she’s brought into your life.

And in the end, let her go.

Also Available

Mother to Son

Father to Son

Father to Daughter

About the Author

Melissa Harrison and Harry H. Harrison Jr. are also the authors of Mother to Son, and he is the author of Father to Son and Father to Daughter. The Harrisons have two children and live in Texas.

Copyright © 2005, 2013 by Melissa Harrison & Harry H. Harrison Jr.

Cover photo copyright © Julie Gang Photography

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced—mechanically, electronically, or by any other means, including photocopying—without written permission of the publisher. Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

eISBN 978-0-7611-7688-6

Workman books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for premiums and sales promotions as well as for fund-raising or educational use. Special editions or book excerpts can be created to specification. For details, contact the Special Sales Director at the address below, or send an email to specialmarkets@workman.com.

Workman Publishing Company, Inc.

225 Varick St.

New York, NY 10014-4381

workman.com

fearlessparenting.com

WORKMAN is a registered trademark of Workman Publishing Co., Inc.