8 Keys to Mental Health Series

Babette Rothschild, Series Editor

The 8 Keys series of books provides consumers with brief, inexpensive, and high-quality self-help books on a variety of topics in mental health. Each volume is written by an expert in the field, someone who is capable of presenting evidence-based information in a concise and clear way. These books stand out by offering consumers cutting-edge, relevant theory in easily digestible portions, written in an accessible style. The tone is respectful of the reader and the messages are immediately applicable. Filled with exercises and practical strategies, these books empower readers to help themselves.

8 KEYS TO STRESS MANAGEMENT

SIMPLE AND EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES TO

TRANSFORM YOUR EXPERIENCE OF STRESS

ELIZABETH ANNE SCOTT

FOREWORD BY BABETTE ROTHSCHILD

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my wonderful husband, Jamey, and my beloved sons, Jake and Cameron James. They keep my life exciting, meaningful, and filled with love.

And to my grandparents, James and Phyllis Kudrna, and Leo and Charlene Schuetz. They have been a source of inspiration to me and have shown by example how to manage stress and live a long, happy, and healthy life.

Finally, this book is dedicated to everyone who encounters stress and would like to manage it in the healthiest way possible. We may all experience stress in unique ways, but I believe we all share the desire to be our best, for the benefit of our loved ones, for ourselves, and for the world around us.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

KEY 1: Become Aware of Your Stressors

KEY 2: Learn to Quickly Reverse Your Stress Response

KEY 3: Take Care of Your Body

KEY 4: Get into the Right Frame of Mind

KEY 5: Cut Down on Stressors When Possible

KEY 6: Cultivate Healthy Relationships

KEY 7: Put Positive Psychology into Action

KEY 8: Practice Long-Term Resilience-Forming Habits

Creating an Action Plan

Resources

References

Acknowledgments

Index

Copyright

Foreword

Babette Rothschild, Series Editor

Hans Selye first studied, identified, and named the condition we call stress in the 1950s, publishing his findings in his classic book, The Stress of Life. In his quest to understand stress, he observed problematic changes in body systems and organs as a result of persistently high levels of adrenaline and other hormones, now recognized as “stress hormones.”

Stress is commonly associated with disagreeable states and experiences, but objectively is neither positive nor negative. In fact, stress is simply a response to physical and emotional demands, what Selye called stressors. It is important to note that stress is not always bad or even undesirable. You might be surprised to learn that many things you experience as pleasant are actually the results of stress, such as the pleasure of sexual climax; the invigoration of a challenging bike ride; the love, warmth, and “high” of a wedding day; and the nourishment and satisfaction many experience while working in their gardens. Stress can also be a lifesaver, as when a person encounters a life-threatening situation and is able to achieve the superhuman speed or strength necessary to flee from or fight off the danger. Nevertheless, when we talk about stress we are usually referring to unpleasant stress, set in motion by adverse events or circumstances or exacerbated through our perceptions and thoughts.

Every being experiences stress more and less on a daily basis. It is inevitable, not something we can avoid, so it might be a good idea to learn how to better handle it. Recently I suggested to my colleague, Dr. Christiane Wolf, a certified teacher and trainer in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s program of mindfulness-based stress reduction, that it would be more accurate to call that program “mindfulness-based stress management.” Bottom line: Because we cannot evade stress, just about everyone (myself included) could learn to better manage it and to reduce the unfavorable impact it can have on the body and mind.

When first conceiving of the 8 Keys to Mental Health Series, I put the idea of a book that would help readers with stress at the top of my list of central topics. I wanted to find an author who had a natural flare for speaking directly to the reader, so that the eventual volume would be more of a personal tutorial than a text or a tome. One day Christiane, my aforementioned colleague, introduced me to Elizabeth Anne Scott’s Web site. An expert on stress management herself, Christiane had found the information there to be particularly intelligent and unusually helpful. She recommended that I take a look. When I opened the link, I was immediately intrigued and impressed. Scott, I thought, really has her finger on the pulse of people with stress and knows how to help them. From her site I could see that she had an extremely accessible and smart writing style—and lots to say.

One might think that Scott, a young mother of two who married her freshman-year sweetheart, could not personally know much about stress. Nothing could be further from the truth. At 15 she survived a devastating car accident, emerging with her neck, pelvis, and arm broken. It took her many, many months to recover emotionally as well as physically and to catch up academically and socially with her classmates. During that ordeal she both learned and taught herself plenty about managing stress. What she gained during that trying time further helped her to survive the pressures of college and young motherhood. Now she juggles caring for her family with writing her PhD dissertation, while also meeting the demands of authorship. Stress management is definitely high on Scott’s personal agenda.

8 Keys to Stress Management contains the best and most useful information and techniques that Scott has amassed following her accident, as a student and a professional. You will see from her writing that she is a natural-born teacher and you will be comforted by her encouraging tone. The book is well organized in a logical progression and is full of instructive as well as illustrative exercises that will help you from the first chapter to begin lowering your own stress. Scott’s volume is a terrific addition to the 8 Keys to Mental Health Series.

Preface

How would it feel to be able to go through your day feeling less stressed about problems that arise, without needing to prevent the unpreventable? To see opportunities that others might miss and to open doors that lead to new paths of happiness? To better savor the good times and to let the bad times roll off your back more easily? With a little practice, this can be your new norm.

This book has been written to help you shift your whole experience of stress in your life, so that you have a whole new range of possibilities. You will learn techniques that will help you to better manage the stress you face, strategies for structuring your lifestyle that will enhance your internal and external coping resources, and habits that can increase your resilience to stressors you will inevitably encounter as you move through life.

I know from experience—both personal and professional—that these techniques work. I have received feedback from clients and readers that the strategies in these pages have helped people live healthier, happier lives. I have also practiced virtually all the techniques discussed in these pages at least once and can attest that they do work. This collection of stress management tools has helped me to effectively cope with everything from mundane life hassles to serious crises and major life challenges, and it can help you as well.

You cannot eliminate stress from your life, and you may even face stress that momentarily throws you off balance. However, these techniques—used either alone or in different combinations—can enable you to quickly get back to a place of feeling centered, sometimes even before you realize you needed centering. In fact, several of these strategies can help you to learn and grow from the stress you face, coming out stronger in the process. Rather than merely surviving the stress in your life, you can thrive through the process of learning to cope. This book will show you how.

Introduction

Potential stressors are everywhere. The experience of stress is so unavoidable that attempts to eliminate all stress would simply create more stress. However, some types of stress are benign or even helpful, and all stress can be minimized and managed. Even small steps toward stress relief can bring great payoffs, as they lead to a chain reaction of positive change. Therefore, efforts made toward stress management, particularly well-planned efforts, really can transform your life. By gaining a deeper understanding of what constitutes stress, where it comes from, and how it affects us, we can know what steps to take to better manage the stress in our lives. First, let’s deepen our understanding of stress.

What We Mean When We Talk About Stress

The term stress is used to express many things and can be used as a noun, verb, or adjective. “I’m dealing with too much stress in my life.” “I’m stressing about how to get all this work done.” “This is so stressful, I have a stress headache and stress cravings for chocolate!” While we generally know what we mean when we use the word, there are a few nuances to be aware of.

When we talk about the stress in our lives, we are generally talking about stressors. A stressor is a situation that causes us to need to act and that can trigger our body’s stress response. Such triggers can be positive or negative, but they all have in common that they require a response. Basically, stressors are the things in our lives that cause us stress.

When we say that we are stressing, we usually mean that we are coming from a place of feeling the effects of stressors in our lives. Our stress response is triggered, and we are not functioning as our usual, relaxed selves. You will hear more about the effects of stress and how the stress response alters your regular patterns of functioning, and the main thing to remember is that there are many ways, both obvious and subtle, in which we change when we are facing an overabundance of stressors or are not handling them in an optimal way. We are more likely to snap at people we care about, make mistakes that we wouldn’t normally make, eat foods that we know aren’t good for us, and do things that can actually create more stress in our lives. This book is designed to help you get out of that stressed state and function from a place of being centered.

When things feel stressful to us, this usually means that the demands of the situation exceed our available resources for coping. These resources can be psychological or physical—if you do not have the money to pay your mortgage, do not have the extra time to complete a massive collaborative project at work, or do not have the patience to handle 20 screaming toddlers for the afternoon, your situation will feel stressful to you. Sometimes we have resources available that we do not know how to obtain, and other times, we need to find a new way to handle the situation, but much of stress management is about maintaining the internal and external resources to help manage the stressors that come in life. I will be discussing that throughout this book as well.

Now that we have a clearer understanding of what we mean when we talk about stress, let’s explore the different types of stress. Some kinds of stress can be good for us, other kinds can be detrimental, and they need to be handled differently. Because of this, it is important to understand what you are facing and to know what your goals are with stress management and what they should be.

Not All Stress Is the Same

When we read about stress in the media, most of what we read is negative. And when we talk about the stress in our lives, rarely are we extolling the virtues of this stress. Studies on the effects of stress generally document its detrimental effects. However, not all stress affects us the same way, and not all kinds of stress are bad for us! Most of us experience a mix of the following types of stress in our lives.

Eustress

This type of stress is actually beneficial to have in our lives. Eustress, which is Greek for “good stress,” is the type of stress that keeps our lives exciting. This form of stress gets our blood pumping and puts us on the alert, as do other types of stress, but the feelings we experience from eustress are feelings of excitement. Eustress comes when we are being challenged in a beneficial way (not too much and not too little), or when we experience something we find to be stimulating. This can happen when we work toward a goal that is important to us, when we enjoy a lively party, or when we ride a roller coaster (for those of us who experience thrill rides as enjoyable rather than terrifying). Eustress is important for us to experience. Without the types of engaging, invigorating experiences that bring eustress, life would be less enjoyable and less meaningful, and we would be more prone to feelings of depression.

Not all news about eustress is good, however. The body does not discern between eustress and other, less enjoyable forms of stress (distress). As a result, eustress can cause wear and tear on the body and contribute to the cumulative total of stress that we experience. In this way, eustress can still have a negative impact. However, because eustress makes us feel vital and alive, it’s best simply to be aware of the potential positive and negative effects of eustress and plan accordingly. For example, you may want to limit your thrill-seeking experiences if you are already under high levels of stress. Or you might balance the number of challenging projects you take on, no matter how much you would enjoy them individually, in order to keep eustress levels from becoming overwhelming. The key is to find a balance.

Acute Stress

Eustress is a subtype of acute stress, which, whether in the form of eustress or distress, is short-lived. It comes in the form of an event that demands a response—a challenging test, a mild fender-bender to deal with, a party to throw. Episodes of acute stress don’t generally exact a heavy physical toll (unless they occur constantly) because they are over relatively quickly. Our bodies have a chance to recover, and we move on with our lives.

Nevertheless, it is a good idea to learn to manage the effects of acute stress by learning some quick stress relief techniques (see Key 2) if you find that you are not automatically returning to a state of relaxation once the acute stressor has passed. However, this is not the type of stress that typically requires a full stress management plan.

Episodic Stress

This type of stress comes when our acute stressors pile up. We begin to see a toll with this type of stress, simply because the body doesn’t have a chance to return to normal levels of functioning as easily; the stress response remains triggered to a greater degree and for a longer period of time than it was designed for. This type of stress—as well as chronic stress—is the culprit that we are usually talking about when we discuss the negative effects of stress in all their multifaceted splendor. This type of stress seemingly does not let up. We experience it on a regular basis, with varying levels of intensity, so that we never quite have a chance to recover. We can generally feel this type of stress as “stressful,” and we know when we are experiencing too much of it. Creating a stress management plan can be quite helpful for episodic stress, because not only can we then tackle and eliminate some of the situations that are causing these episodes of stress, but we can also develop ways to alter our reactions and coping style so we can experience less of the damage typical of too much stress.

Chronic Stress

This is the type of stress we feel when we are in an unpredictable and demanding job situation, a highly conflict-laden relationship, or living with a hectic schedule of difficult activities that allow for very little downtime. One key difference between episodic stress and chronic stress is that situations that bring chronic stress tend to feel overwhelming, and people experiencing chronic stress do not always see an immediate way out. When we experience chronic stress, we are at greater risk of losing all hope of finding solutions, and we may give up on trying. This type of stress feels so pervasive that when we are experiencing it, we may not even be aware of the extent of the stress and of the changes we experience because of it.

Chronic stress goes beyond what the human body was designed to handle. The stress response is carefully calibrated to handle threats to our well-being by motivating us to make changes and providing the burst of energy required to move us on our way. This response is designed to help us ward off dangerous predators and pull ourselves together to overcome obstacles that put our lifestyle in jeopardy. We were not designed to be in this state-of-emergency mode long-term, however. Remaining in this state for too long, or experiencing it with too much intensity, can cause damage to the body and can even create lasting changes in the mind. Those experiencing chronic stress are more likely to need therapeutic support in creating a plan to manage the stress, but the key pieces of information in this book can help. Beyond finding support from a therapist, which may or may not be part of the stress management plan for those experiencing chronic stress, there are other important actions to take as well, which will be discussed in this book.

The Sources of Stress

Stressors lurk in many places: at our jobs, in our relationships, among the tasks that make up our daily responsibilities and obligations. One definition of what leads to stress is “any situation that requires a response, adjustment, or change” from us in order for us to maintain balance, which includes a great many situations. That said, the situations that are experienced as most stressful hinge on our evaluation of them—that they require resources that we simply do not possess. This evaluation—the assessment that a given challenge demands more from us than we are able to give—may or may not be correct in the absolute sense of the word. In fact, part of what we experience as stressful comes from what we see, and part comes from how we look at things. To adequately manage stress, we must address both these issues—change the circumstances we can reasonably alter and adjust our ways of looking at and responding to the challenges that are left. There are many ways to accomplish these two goals, and this book shares the most effective among them and helps you to learn how to implement these strategies in your life.

The Effects of Stress

Stress affects us in many ways. It would be difficult to find a list that would name all the ways in which stress affects you, personally. There are two reasons for this difficulty: First, there are myriad ways in which an individual can be affected by stress; second, we are all unique in our responses. That said, there are several signs and symptoms that are commonly experienced by people under stress. The following may not be the only effects of stress you may face, but they are commonly experienced consequences of excessive stress.

• Digestive issues. Because the stress response is connected to the digestive system, stress can cause constipation, acid reflux, and other digestive issues and can contribute to irritable bowel syndrome and Crohn’s disease. Stress can also be related to obesity, which is linked to a host of other health issues.

• Heart issues. Short-term stress is related to a quicker pulse and to heart irregularities; long-term stress can lead to heart disease, higher cholesterol, arrhythmias, high blood pressure, increased risk of stroke, and other serious issues. Considering that heart disease is a top killer of both men and women, stress can present a serious threat to health.

• Psychological issues. Those facing heavy levels of stress are more likely to experience anxiety and depression, as well as other conditions. Stress can also affect our relationships, because we react differently when our stress response is triggered. These issues can affect quality of life, which, in turn, affects health.

• Lowered immunity. Studies show that people exposed to a brief stressor—a difficult math test, for example—were more likely to catch a cold when they were exposed to a cold virus a few minutes later. Other research has shown that those under heavier levels of stress experience slower rates of wound healing. As you can imagine, the effects of long-term stress are more pronounced, and the toll on immunity is heavier. This means that when under stress, you are more susceptible to virtually all environmental threats to your health.

Signs of Too Much Stress

Because stress affects us each in individual ways, there is no single clear way to tell when stress levels are too great. There are many signs, however, ranging from subtle to severe, that can paint a picture of our stress levels. One person may experience headaches or lethargy, while another person may find that excessive sweat is the first signal that stress levels have got out of hand. When subtle signs of stress are ignored, it is likely that symptoms will become more severe. First and foremost, if you feel that you are under too much stress, you are. Generally, it is much more common to fail to recognize how much stress one is experiencing than to believe stress levels are a problem when they are not. Aside from emotional feelings of stress, here are some other common signs and symptoms that point to high levels of stress:

• Excessive sweating

• Cold hands and feet

• Digestion issues (upset stomach, “butterflies,” diarrhea)

• Emotional eating or loss of appetite

• Muscle tension, twitches, or shakes

• Quickened pulse or heart palpitations

• Nervous tics, nail-biting, hair-pulling

• Impatience, frustration, hostility

• Frequent headaches

• Feelings of depression

• Feelings of anxiety, panic, or being overwhelmed

• Lowered libido

• Difficulty with concentration or memory

• Feelings of exhaustion or lethargy

• Sleep issues

These are a few common signs of too much stress, although they are not the only ones. If you are experiencing any of these, or several at once, this book will be especially helpful.

Changes Can Make a Difference

This book is specifically about understanding stress, looking within, and making healthy changes. All three of these activities are important. If you do not have a foundation of understanding about stress and stress management, you may lack a sense of direction—knowing what changes can bring about stress relief—as well as a sense of motivation to change the status quo. If you do not look within yourself, you may not have an adequate understanding of which changes would work best for your particular situation, and you may not be able to adequately troubleshoot when you encounter roadblocks in your path toward change. And without making actual changes in your life—whether they are changes in your attitude, behaviors, or lifestyle structure—you will see no results. Here are some of the various types of changes you can make in your life and how they can affect your stress levels.

• Change your level of stress. You may not be able to eliminate all the stressors you face (nor would you want to), but you can lower the level of stress you have in your life. With stress relief techniques that help you to reverse or minimize your stress response (discussed in Key 2), as well as strategies for cutting down on some of the unnecessary stress in your life (addressed in Key 5), you can take your stress levels down a few notches, from overwhelming to challenging or from frustrating to exciting. For example, simply knowing how to take a mental break with a mini-meditation during your lunch break can help you to feel less stressed at work for hours afterward. This one change, with or without other stress management activities, can make a significant difference in how you feel on a day-to-day basis.

• Change your attitude and perceptions. Some stressors cannot be changed. However, we can change the way we think and feel about them and, in doing so, can alter the affect that these currently stressful situations have on us. For example, you may face many tasks at work that add up to a feeling of being overwhelmed. If you learn to face each one as its own challenge rather than seeing the entire situation as a threat, you can feel more empowered and less stressed when you go through your to-do list. In Key 4, we’ll examine which thought patterns have the largest effect on our perceptions of stress and explore ways to alter these mental habits.

• Increase your resources. We feel stressed when we do not have the resources to handle a specific challenge. Learning how to increase your available resources—whether by enhancing your social circle (see how in Key 6), getting your body into a more optimal level of fitness (discussed in Key 3), or even simply planning ahead with stress management (the final chapter of this book has a plan for this)—can help you to feel prepared. When you feel more prepared and empowered, the stressors you face have less of an effect on you.

• Alter your level of resilience. Even though some of what goes into our resilience to stress is just part of our personal makeup, there are many things we can do to raise our level of resilience. Taking on these changes can mean that whatever we face in life, we experience it as less stressful. Key 8 covers three habits in particular that can help you to build a greater level of resilience to stress.

The Challenge of Change

An important thing to remember about stress management techniques is that they are effective only if you actually practice them (rather than just thinking about them or reading and then forgetting descriptions of them). Managing stress necessarily means making changes. Whether this change comes in the form of adding a new habit that can reduce your stress levels, working to eliminate a source of chronic stress in your life, actively altering your perspective and thought patterns, taking on a new routine that will build your resilience to stress, or practicing other stress management techniques that are covered in this book, you will be required to do something differently. This may present the biggest challenge.

Understanding or even learning these techniques will probably come more easily to most readers than will the act of practicing them on a long-term basis. This is because taking on new habits and changing behavior over a prolonged period can be difficult. Our minds tend to maintain the status quo. As we repeat behaviors, experiences, and even thought patterns, connections become strengthened in our neural pathways; behaviors become automatic, and we practice them without having to think.

An often-cited example of this type of automatic, unconscious way of thinking and behaving is in a drive to work. When you work in a new place, it takes an effort to find the address, and you may think about every turn you make. After you have made the drive a few times, you no longer have to check the directions; your path is familiar. After a few weeks or months, you may realize that you are not even thinking of where to turn; it’s as if your mind is on autopilot, as you go where you need to go and attend to other things. (One day you may even find yourself driving to work without thinking, intending to go somewhere nearby. It actually requires thought to stop the automatic procession to your familiar destination.)

This is how the mind works with many things. If you are a habitually negative thinker, it may require some effort to think in a different way, but after a while, the new, positive thought patterns become habit. If you tend to say yes to too many obligations that put you in a state of episodic or chronic stress, it may take an effort to draw boundaries, until one day this becomes automatic. Every change you decide to make in the interest of stress management can become easier with practice. The trick is to create the new habit. This is when change presents a challenge.

The Stages of Change

Often when we try to make changes in our lives, we see ourselves as failing after a few weeks or months. The first few days or weeks are full of promise as we determinedly maintain the new habits, but after the initial excitement and burst of motivation wanes, life gets in the way and we face challenges that we may not overcome. This is where many of us slip up and call it quits. In fact, one study showed that 88% of people who make New Year’s resolutions fail to follow them through. A high proportion of those who attempt to take on a new habit find themselves going back to old habits and giving up after a relatively short time, often within the first days or weeks of the attempt.

This may not come as surprising news—change is challenging, and if we all set out to do what we hoped to do, we would all be ultrafit, meticulously self-disciplined, and fabulously unfettered by stress. The more interesting point, however, is that these “failures” that cause many of us to give up are not actually failures at all. The only failure is that we have stopped trying. Backsliding on goals is part of the process of change, and it can even be a beneficial part of it, if you know how to use these slips to your advantage.

A New Model of Change

While most people think of the process of change as a two- or three-stage process (decide on a goal, go after the goal, achieve the goal), many therapists and wellness coaches follow a different model, which incorporates all of six stages! This model is known as the Transtheoretical Model of Change, named by its originator, Dr. James Prochaska, because it takes into account the processes of change observed across many different psychological theories and approaches, including psychoanalytic, humanistic, gestalt, cognitive, and behavioral. This approach is not “new” by most standards, as it dates back to 1994, but it is often experienced as a new concept by those seeking to enact a change. The stages are as follows:

1. Precontemplation. During this stage, you do not even realize you need to make a change. You may think you’re just fine running yourself ragged and becoming sick once every few weeks as a result. You may think that the physical symptoms that come from too much stress are simply a part of living. At this stage, you’re not looking to make any changes. New information is generally what it takes to raise your awareness and move you to the next stage.

2. Contemplation. In this stage, you are considering that you may have a problem and begin thinking seriously about solving it. You would like to get unstuck, and you may have a loose plan in your head that you would like to follow in the next 6 months or so. You may think that perhaps you should consider exercising more, when things calm down in your life. You may want to get more sleep when you can find the time or may want to cut out some of the unnecessary stressors you face, when you have a chance to really think about it. At this stage, you recognize the value in making a change, but you are not ready to make a real change yet. You may stay in this stage indefinitely, as the motivation to change needs to be strong enough to propel you into action, which can be difficult when you are already feeling overwhelmed. The time when you need to focus on stress management may be the exact same time that you feel too stressed to take on something new. What moves you to the next state of readiness is a focus on the solution rather than the problem, and a focus on the future rather than the past. (And the baby steps you will find in this book can ease you into it!)

3. Preparation. Here, you are planning to take action in the next month, and you are making the final tweaks to your plan. You may still need to convince yourself that taking action is really what is best for you before you dive into the next stage. You may make a few small changes in this stage, in preparation for a big leap. For example, you may start cutting out caffeine after 2:00 P.M. as you start preparing to get more sleep and take better care of yourself. You may learn a few breathing exercises as you start to think about how some bigger changes might bring even greater stress management benefits. Once you really understand that you need to make changes for the sake of your health, happiness, and future, you may feel pressed to make many changes, effective immediately. Do not rush yourself out of this stage before you are ready; focus on creating a plan that you feel will really work, and you will have greater chances of success.

4. Action. Now you are actively making the change! This is the most obvious stage of change, and it feels great. You may be exercising or meditating on a daily basis, may be clearing your schedule to allow for some downtime, or may be taking on other daily habits to help with stress relief. This is an exciting phase of change! However, the danger here occurs when people feel that they have completed their transformation once they have maintained new habits for a few days. At this phase, if you experience any fluctuations in your success, you may perceive them as failure and then lose motivation. Do not forget: In the action phase, you are not at the end of the road—yet.

5. Maintenance. This phase, according to Dr. Prochaska, can be short, lasting perhaps several months, but can also persist throughout one’s life. This stage involves the critically important process of coming back from relapse and adjusting plans. Temptations show up, willpower runs thin; this is to be expected and accounted for in the maintenance stage. You may get so busy at work that you skip a few workout sessions and lose your momentum. You may succumb to sleepiness at night and miss your journaling practice, or you may just forget to practice breathing exercises before you get to a place where you feel overwhelmed. You may start to feel that your new plans worked for a while, but your stress is just too great; in other words, you may take these setbacks to mean that your plans aren’t working. Rather than being disappointed and discouraged if you see this happening, you can expect it, and move back to your target goal with your head held high.

6. Termination. This is the goal of change. The termination phase occurs when you no longer feel any temptation to go back to your prechange habits, and maintaining the change is truly effortless. This means that you automatically work out each day, just as you eat regular meals. You instinctively calm yourself with breathing exercises or visualizations. You don’t go to sleep at night without writing in your gratitude journal. At this stage of the change process, you no longer need to work at it, or the level of work required is not something that requires specific focus—it just happens naturally. (Note: some experts believe that this phase never comes, especially for certain habits such as smoking. However, many others experience this stage and see it in others, so this is the ultimate goal.)

Why You Have Never Really Failed

If you notice the fifth stage—maintenance, which involves coming back after a relapse—you’ll see that what we normally deem as “failure” is really just part of the process. Think about it—when babies learn to walk, there are many falls on the way to success. We don’t expect perfection on the first try from a baby, and we shouldn’t expect it from ourselves, either. Sometimes those “falls” can be quite helpful—they can show us what we may need to change about our plans. A good coach or therapist uses these commonly occurring experiences to glean information that can be used in the continuing process of change for clients. Such experiences let us know where our obstacles lie and, in doing so, can help us to make contingency plans for our next efforts. They let us know how we are progressing, by seeing if we progressed farther this time before we slipped, for example. They can let us know if we are setting the right plans in motion or if we need to meet our ultimate goals in a different way. The only way they spell failure is if we decide to quit because these slips have happened. And the reasoning behind quitting when you face a setback comes from not realizing that the setbacks are part of the path to success.

How to Use This Book

Ideally, you would be coming to this book with plenty of time and energy to read it thoroughly, fully explore all the resources that it includes, put together a plan, and carefully follow through on it. However, life doesn’t always allow for that. You may have just a few minutes here and there, or you may need to start feeling relief from your stress more quickly (like today), or you may have other challenges that prevent you from being able to take this optimally thorough approach.

This is okay!

This book is set up to be effective and enjoyable when used in a variety of different ways. You can choose from any of the following options.

Read Through from Beginning to End

This book has been laid out specifically so that you will find information in the order that it is most effective. I start off with a foundation—a solid understanding of stress and how it can affect you—and then explore different layers of stress management techniques that can build on each other. If you read this book in the order in which it is written, answering questions and trying techniques as you go, you will be walked through a program that works, in an order that is easy to process.

Skip Around and Read What You Feel You Need

You may have picked up this book with a specific issue in mind. If you flipped to the table of contents to see how to manage relationship issues, for example, you will find that that chapter can stand alone. Each section can be helpful to you if that is the only section you read. (If I refer to concepts discussed in other chapters, I will generally let you know the important parts of the concept and point you to where to go to find out more.) So if you like to skip, don’t feel bad about it.

If you are a skipper, however, I would encourage you to read all of the chapters that call out to you and take a look at the ones that you think may not apply. The chapter on positive psychology, for example, might not be the reason you picked up the book (as you may not have known about this branch of psychology before), but you may find that the study of happiness has a lot to show you about stress management that you never realized you needed to know. You may be looking at quick ways to relieve stress immediately, but later realize that long-term, resilience-forming habits can help you to manage your stress even more effectively. So if you have the urge to skip through, by all means go to the chapters that carry the most appeal first; but don’t discount the other chapters. You never know what information might be more helpful than you would ever expect.

Skip to the “How to Manage” and “Activities to Try” Sections

This book provides a considerable amount of information on stress, the factors that contribute to it, and the ways in which we can manage it. You will find that developing an understanding of all three of these points is most effective in developing a comprehensive stress management plan. However, if you are short on time and feeling eager to have a place to start quickly, you can skip to the “How to Manage” sections and find ideas on how to make changes in your life right now. These sections focus on changes that can be made, rather than reasons why changes are needed, or other information about these potential changes. For specific step-by-step instructions on new techniques, skip to the “Activities to Try.” They are most effective when read in context, but these activities can be effective à la carte as well. If you are looking for new ways to manage stress, these are the key places in this book where you will find them.

Put Exploration Questions into Action

With each of these keys, I have included information on the topic itself and how to enact changes, but I have personalized the concepts by including “exploration questions” that allow you to look inward and see how these concepts apply to your life. These questions allow you to personalize the information and start putting what you have learned into practice. You may choose to explore the questions one at a time or all in one sitting. I strongly recommend that you actually answer them on paper (or in a file on your computer) so that you can not only fully explore the answers that come from within but also have a record of what your answers were. However, if this does not feel comfortable for you, it can still be helpful to mentally answer the questions. The important point is that you are thinking about how these concepts apply to your own life and identifying ways in which you can transform the realizations into action to create positive changes in your life. The answers can help you to remember the key concepts that have resonated most deeply with you. They can also help you to maintain your motivation to make changes in your life and help you gauge how far you have come as you journey forward.

Take On One or Two Changes at a Time

There is a lot of information presented here, and it can be tempting to try to make many changes immediately. This can be overwhelming. Taking on too much at once can put you in danger of feeling burned out on change and wanting to give up.

That is why it is important to pace yourself. In the final chapter of the book, I explore ways to create a cohesive stress management plan and to move forward with it in a way that can ensure the greatest level of success. For now, though, there are a few simple concepts to keep in mind about moving forward. One of them is to consider limiting yourself to one or two major changes at a time. This is not to say that if you are reading about breathing exercises and find that they come naturally, you should put the book away and practice only breathing for a while. However, if you are tackling a significant change such as altering your thought patterns or systematically eliminating stressors from your life, you may consider focusing mainly on that, at least until it feels comfortable to continue. If you pile on a new exercise regimen, alterations in your diet, and daily meditation classes, you may find it all to be too much.

Use the Final Chapter Resources Anytime

As you read through this book, make a note of which techniques seem to beckon you. Which ones might fit best with your personality? Which might make the biggest impact in your life? Which could be most beneficial? You can make notes in the back of this book so you don’t forget. There is also information on worksheets in the final chapter that can help you to organize your thoughts. You can use those worksheets as you read the book, or you can read everything and then reflect on everything at once. Either way, you have resources in the end to help you to identify and target the change or changes that will work best for you, at the pace that will be most beneficial. Stress management should not be stressful; it can require some effort in the beginning, but by maintaining balance, you can experience the process as a comfortable one.

KEY 1

BECOME AWARE OF YOUR STRESSORS

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

—SWEDISH PROVERB

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.

—GEORGE ELIOT

Stress is a regular—even healthy—part of life. Although it can be beneficial in many situations, it is detrimental in others. Understanding the subtleties of stress, and having a clear understanding of its causes and effects, can greatly help you to use this book. This chapter will provide you with a quick overview of different types of stress and of the main effects of stress on your body, mind, and overall health. You will also learn the most effective ways to use the book and to put what you learn here into practice for maximum benefit in your life.

When we’re faced with a looming deadline, a difficult social situation, or an immediate challenge, the source of our stress is clear. But more often, we experience stress from multiple sources and experience it with such frequency that we are less aware of where the stress is coming from and of how we are being affected by it. This chapter will cover the signs and symptoms of stress in detail. It will examine common sources, such as jobs, relationships, and hectic schedules. The chapter will empower you to better recognize the sources of your stress and its impact and will list questions you can ask yourself to assess your stress levels, so you can gain a clearer idea of how to combat it.

Frustration Coming from All Sides

Madeline felt frustrated. Little things were upsetting her. Events that normally would barely even register as stressful or annoying—someone cutting in line at the grocery store, a series of phone calls interrupting her workflow—were enough to create strong frustration and anger. In response to these relatively minor triggers, she would snap at people around her and stay in a bad mood for quite some time. This would leave her feeling more frustrated and angry, because she had fewer positive experiences with friends and co-workers throughout the day during these times, and this would contribute to her general feelings of stress. For Madeline, life started to feel more and more difficult, as if everything she experienced was simply becoming more stressful. Frustration seemed to be coming from all sides.

Upon further exploration, the reasons behind this became more clear to Madeline. At first, she thought her agitation was merely a response to the stressors at hand—the difficult people who seemed to surround her. However, as we discussed her experience and explored what she was feeling, it became apparent that there was more going on under the surface. Madeline was reacting to a series of bigger challenges she had faced earlier in the month: She had learned that her son was struggling in school, and because of financial difficulties that had just gone from bad to worse she was dodging calls from bill collectors. She had not forgotten about these stressful events, but had not realized the toll that they were taking on her ability to cope with minor stressors. Once she realized that the challenges she faced were putting her into a more or less constant state of stress, Madeline was able to find more patience as she focused her energy on brainstorming solutions to her challenges and practicing coping techniques for the added stress they brought. While these issues did not have easy answers, once she understood the extent of the stress that they brought, she had a greater ability to manage it.

Why Awareness Is Necessary

As someone reading a book on stress management, you are likely aware that stress may be an issue in your life. So why have I included a whole chapter on becoming aware of stress? Because we have to understand where our stress comes from, as well as how it is affecting us, in order to know what to do to manage this stress. And understanding the source of our stress is sometimes less clear than it would seem. In fact, recognizing the extent of one’s stress can be surprisingly difficult.

When our lives are relatively stress free, a stressful event stands out. (Remember those acute stressors mentioned in the Introduction?) In a relatively low-stress lifestyle, a new stressor presents a contrast with what we are used to, so it becomes relatively easy to feel the stress that it presents and to know where this stress came from. However, as we face an increasing number of stressors (moving from acute to episodic stress), we tend to be triggered much more often.

It becomes more difficult to recognize where our stress comes from as stress becomes increasingly abundant in our lives, for a few reasons. First, with several sources of stress, we may just feel “triggered.” We may be able to name a few sources of our stress—perhaps the most pressing and obvious sources—but we may miss some of the other, more subtle areas of life that are stressing us.

In addition, once we are operating from a place of feeling stressed, we tend to react to things differently, in ways that exacerbate what we are already feeling, and create additional problems. (I cover this in more detail later in this book.) That means that stress that originated in one area of life can easily move to a different area. You may not notice the stress that you are feeling until it gains momentum in other areas of your life, so you may miss some of the initial stress triggers that created the cycle in the first place.

Finally, once we reach a state of chronic stress, we may actually become less aware of individual sources of stress. In what psychologists call learned helplessness, we may have learned that our attempts to escape the stressful situation we face are futile, may have accepted this state of constant stress as normal, and may not be attempting to change it anymore. We may be less aware of when we are stressed and when we aren’t, because we generally feel low-grade stress almost constantly. We may not be aware of specific sources because the stress seems to come from everyone, and it affects most of the main areas of our lives at this stage. (For example, stress from work affects our relationships if we are short-tempered from a difficult day, poor relationships can affect our health, and health concerns create more stress and can cause obstacles at work.) It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. In what follows, I discuss in more detail a few of the ways in which stress builds upon itself.

Becoming more aware of where the stress is coming from can help us to better manage it, particularly when we experience higher and more constant levels of stress. Examining the most common sources of stress can help—when you read about the types of stressors that many people face, your biggest stressors will likely become evident as what you read resonates with your experience. You may wish to take notes as you read about these stressors and realize which ones are affecting your life, or you may decide to read first and examine your stressors all together afterward. Either strategy works, so try what works for you.

Common Sources of Stress in Our Lives

Stress can come from many sources and affect people in different ways. The end of a relationship can be a freeing experience for one person and a crushing one for another. Even the experience of sitting at a desk and working while the sounds of birds and lawnmowers come in through an open window can feel soothing to one person and frustrating to another. Because of this variation, we cannot say for certain which experiences are inherently stressful to everyone, and to what degree.

That said, surveys have shown that certain experiences tend to feel particularly stressful for many people and that certain situations are more commonly experienced as stressful. The following are some of the top sources of stress that people commonly experience. This is not an exhaustive list, but when you are looking at where the stress may be coming from in your life, here are some popular culprits.

Work

Many people cite work as one of their biggest stressors, and there are many reasons for this. Given that most of us spend a large proportion of our time at work, jobs are often closely tied to our personal identities, our finances, and our lifestyles as a whole. This makes our work lives quite influential on our overall well-being. People with jobs that have certain characteristics are at risk for higher levels of stress, as well as an increased risk of burnout, anxiety, and depression. Here are some of the most serious on-the-job stressors.

Unclear Requirements

When workers aren’t clear on the extent of their responsibilities, it becomes difficult for them to fulfill these obligations. This is obvious, but there are many work situations with unclear requirements, where workers know that they have missed something only when it becomes a problem. When people are not clear on what their jobs entail, they can be asked to do things that are not their responsibility, and they may be unsure if they can refuse. They can work hard all day and never know if they have done enough. They can find themselves feeling insecure or resentful and not know what to do about it. Particularly when those in charge are not clear communicators, this can present a stressful dynamic.

During difficult economic times, when companies are downsizing and workers who remain are given job responsibilities that were formerly handled by others, this can become even more of an issue. People may find themselves expected to do more than they were originally hired to do, or they may feel that their jobs will be in jeopardy if they do not offer to take on extra tasks. This can inject additional pressure into an already stressful work situation.

How to Manage

If you find yourself in a job where requirements are unclear, you may not even realize that this is a significant source of stress—you may simply be aware that you feel stressed at work, and aren’t sure how to meet all the demands. If an unclear job description is part of the problem, be sure to talk to whoever is in charge and see if you can get (in writing) clarification on these issues. If you are self-employed, be sure to take the reins in communication and clarify with your clients what their expectations are, letting them know what they can expect from you. (Read more about communication and boundary setting in Key 6.)

Unattainable Demands

In other job situations, the demands are clear but impossible to meet. Workers may be expected to get more work done than time permits or to do work that requires resources they do not have. This type of situation becomes disheartening, because workers feel overwhelmed and eventually consider giving up. Situations like these can pose a threat to self-esteem, to feelings of job security, and to hope for any sense of accomplishment.

Again, this is a situation where self-awareness becomes very important. People in jobs in which there are unrealistic demands can feel very stressed if they do not realize that the demands are unattainable, and do something about it. They may feel that the work is draining and difficult, but realizing that it is unrealistic to be able to complete it can actually be a relief.

How to Manage

It is helpful if you can look at your situation objectively and see that the expectations placed on you are unrealistic. Perhaps the worst thing we can do is to hold ourselves to unrealistic demands and judge ourselves for not measuring up, rather than recognizing when something is simply not possible. If you find yourself in a job situation where you believe that the demands are unrealistic, it is important to talk to your boss about this and see if you can objectively show what it is about the job that might be unreasonable. If you are a freelance worker, you may have to have a talk with yourself and adjust your own expectations. Communication with clients and boundary setting are also crucial. (Again, see Key 6.) Because attempting to meet impossible demands can be so disheartening and can induce burnout and depression, this is a situation that should be addressed in whatever way is feasible.

Low Recognition

Job situations that offer low compensation, that are considered menial, or that in other ways fail to provide a payoff for the required efforts can be disheartening and stress inducing. When things happen at work that cause people to feel that they are not respected for the work they do, this can damage self-esteem, motivation, and drive, making a job feel more challenging and draining. It is not necessarily about ego gratification as much as it is about feelings of being valued. Feeling a sense of unfairness about being passed over for promotions; feeling belittled by a manager, co-worker, or clients; and feeling taken advantage of are all stressful feelings that can contribute to feelings of chronic stress and a lack of satisfaction with a job.

How to Manage

If you feel a lack of recognition in your job, there may be ways to create recognition in your life without having to change jobs in order to get it. If talking to your manager, boss, or company’s human resources department doesn’t work, you can create a supportive network of friends and co-workers, and you can congratulate one another on your accomplishments. Consider having a regular lunch meeting where you all share what you are most proud of (and take turns figuratively patting each other on the back) or get other support with your challenges—it may sound unnecessary, but therapists and coaches commonly have supportive groups like this, because they can be very beneficial. You may also simply have a supportive friend or two with whom you can exchange celebratory phone calls. Another option would be to have a hobby outside of work that provides this positive feedback that we all need, even if it is not directed toward your accomplishments at your job. The point to remember is that lack of appreciation can be a stressor in any job, and steps can be taken to manage that stress.

Another option that can be quite effective for alleviating stress in a situation like this is to find deeper meaning in your job. If you can recognize ways in which your job benefits others, for example, the job becomes more important than just the tasks involved, and doing the work takes on greater significance, even if the tasks themselves are not intrinsically enjoyable.

High Penalties for Mistakes

In fields like medicine or transportation, there is necessarily a narrow margin for error—if mistakes are made, people can die. These are not the only fields in which there are highly negative consequences that accompany mistakes; some companies will fire people for small errors, certain managers will berate employees when mistakes are made, and in other situations, the consequences are simply part of the job that cannot be changed. Freelancers and business owners may lose customers when small errors are made, and those unhappy customers may be vocal in their dissatisfaction.

Whether the penalties are the decision of the company or simply part of the job, work situations that allow for few mistakes can be unnerving. They can keep us in a constant state of vigilance and bring feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. After a while, the pressure can take a toll.

How to Manage

There is not a lot that can be done to manage situations like those described above, other than to take care of ourselves so that we are functioning at our best (see Key 5 for more on this) and manage our stress as effectively as possible so we can handle a little extra stress from such jobs.

Lack of Challenge

It would seem that an unchallenging job would bring relief from stress, but certain types of jobs that lack challenge can actually be more stressful than jobs that present a greater level of challenge. This is because we naturally crave growth, and it can feel good to do work that uses our unique strengths. (See more about this in Key 7 in the section on gratifications.) People actually tend to feel less stress when performing tasks that present just the right level of challenge—not so much that the work is stressful, but not so little that it becomes painfully boring and meaningless. Those who work at jobs that are repetitive and unchallenging may find themselves dreading going to work. This is not as heavy a stressor as some of the others discussed here, but it can certainly take a toll.

How to Manage

If you find yourself at a job that does not use your strengths or challenge you, there may be a simple fix. Putting time into hobbies that do challenge you when you are not working may provide you with the stimulation you need to feel more balanced in your life as a whole. In this case, more of a challenge means less of a feeling of stress.

Relationships

Relationships can bring us the best of times and the worst of times. While often beneficial to our health and happiness, our relationships can also present obstacles that are frequently cited as main stressors in people’s lives. While we discuss the interplay between our relationships and stress in further detail in Key 6, there are a few relevant points to remember here when it comes to relationships as a stressor. The following are types of relationships that can be stressful.

Toxic Relationships

It can be highly stressful to be in relationships in which we are not respected. When we are subject to frequent criticism, gossip, unrealistic demands, contempt, mocking, and other negative experiences—when we do not feel safe being ourselves—we may not realize the toll it takes on us. Likewise, in relationships in which we find ourselves not being our best, it can be bad not only for us but also for other people in our lives. We may become used to the situation, may fail to recognize the damage that is done, and may neglect to do anything to change the circumstances we are in. Relationships that habitually make us feel bad about ourselves can be constant sources of stress, because they can lead to negative rumination, feelings of low self-esteem, conflicts to constantly resolve, and other threats to our happiness and self-worth.

Caregiver Situations

People who are in constant charge of the welfare of loved ones are exposed to a particularly intense level of stress, the severity of which varies according to the level of needs that the caregivers must meet. Regardless of how much caretakers may love their relatives, the responsibilities can be draining, and the feelings associated with them can exacerbate the stress experienced from the workload.

When children are small, they require a nearly constant level of care and involvement. Studies show that marital satisfaction declines in those early years of parenthood as parents work to meet these demands. While young children ideally share a close bond with their parents or caretakers, the feeding, changing, chasing, tantrums, and other demands that are part and parcel of caring for small children can take a toll and create stress.

Those who are caring for sick, disabled, or elderly relatives often experience similarly high levels of stress. In fact, this type of stress can be much more taxing. First, it can be emotionally difficult to contend with the reality that a loved one is in need of constant support; caregivers feel for their loved ones and would prefer to see them healthy and able-bodied for their own sake. Needing care can be difficult on these loved ones as well, and caregivers often feel this, perhaps feeling guilt over their own feelings of stress in the situation. The workload can be even more difficult than that of caring for small children, because it can be unexpected, emotionally draining, and more physically demanding to deal with an adult who needs help with basic self-care, medical procedures, and other challenges.

Caregivers may feel even more stress if they experience guilt for their feelings of exhaustion and being overwhelmed. However, even the most loving caregivers are human, and sometimes the demands of meeting another person’s needs can take a toll on our ability to meet our own.

How to Manage

Getting support—both emotional and practical—and carving out time for self-care are vital for stress management at this stage. Ideally, the responsibility of caregiving should be shared among several people so that no one person becomes burned out. Involving siblings in the care of an elderly parent or dividing responsibility among spouses and perhaps using outside resources in caring for a child with special needs can ensure that each caregiver has the opportunity to adequately care for his or her own needs. However, there are not always others who are willing or able to help. Fortunately, there are support groups for parents and caregivers in the community, and getting acquainted with these resources can make quite a difference. If you are feeling overwhelmed as a caregiver, I encourage you to take action now by researching resources (others you can trust and support groups in your community) that can help.

Hectic Schedules

Overwhelmed seems to be the new normal for many people. We, as a society, have begun to expect much more from ourselves in recent years than was the case for previous generations. Many people find themselves working longer hours than ever before, and often working more than one job. We fail to take vacations when they are offered. One recent survey found that only 45% of respondents planned to take a vacation over the summer—the lowest percentage in the survey’s 11-year history—and of those, only 35% planned to take longer trips; most were expecting to take only the weekend for their vacation.

We fill our spare time with more responsibilities, and then we wonder why we are exhausted (or perhaps we have stopped wondering or even recognizing it).

How to Manage

Becoming aware of the hectic pace of our lives can be a first step toward carving out a more reasonable lifestyle, but sometimes it takes looking seriously at our schedules to realize that we have had too much, and to know which activities to cut out. One way to take an honest look and begin the process of optimizing your schedule is to create a thorough schedule for yourself, if you haven’t already. Rather than merely listing your major commitments, find a calendar application that you can use on your computer (I like iCal and Google Calendar), and list all the things that make up your schedule. Block out and label how much time it takes you to get ready in the morning, how much time you spend driving, and even your relaxation time, and see where your time is committed. For an even more accurate picture of where your time currently goes, you can check in with the calendar throughout the day and see if you are actually doing what you are projecting you do each day. Plotting out a detailed schedule like this can allow you to really see where your time goes and to more clearly see where time may be wasted or discern which activities are not really serving your goals and life satisfaction. (We cover time management more thoroughly in Key 5, but becoming aware of when we are overcommitted is a first step.)

Health

Stress and health are closely linked. Stress can affect our health, as I mentioned earlier in this chapter, and health issues can bring considerable stress. In fact, dealing with health issues represents one of the bigger stressors that people face. With longer life expectancies and greater medical advances, we tend to experience more chronic illnesses (such as heart disease and cancer) than infections and viral diseases, which claimed more lives a century ago (and, interestingly, virtually all these chronic illnesses have direct or indirect links to stress, among other risk factors). The stress of living with chronic conditions and serious health threats can touch not only those who experience the stress but also their friends and family. And conditions that are less serious can take a toll as well.

How to Manage

The knowledge that we need to take care of our health can weigh heavily on our minds when we are stressed and too overwhelmed to make the best choices. The reality of dealing with a serious health condition brings much more stress. The best thing we can do is to carve out time to be proactive about remaining healthy, find support where possible, and practice stress management techniques to support our overall health and wellness. Picking up this book (and reading it) is a very important first step that you have already taken. Following the advice in Key 3 on taking care of your body, and the tips in Key 8 for maintaining resilience-promoting habits can be your best bet for enhancing overall health and wellness.

Life Adjustments

As I discussed in the Introduction, one of the most often cited characterizations of stress is that it results from any situation that requires a response from us. This means that events in our lives that are both positive and negative can bring stress—it simply comes from having to formulate a response. Different life events take a heavier or lighter toll, but each event can cause stress. One of the more popular ways to measure stress in a person’s life is by using the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale (named after the psychologists who created it), which names 43 stressful life events and weighs each according to the amount of stress that it creates and its likelihood of leading to associated illness. The scale is scored by tallying the “value” of each of the events that have occurred in the past year. While this scale may not present a perfect measure of stress experienced (for example, a divorce or a death in the family may have a heavier impact on one person than on another, depending on the relationships involved), it does provide a reliable general measure and a clear basic picture. It also demonstrates the point that each event in our lives can take a toll on our overall stress levels. The list includes events as obviously stressful as “death of a spouse,” “divorce,” and “incarceration”; midlevel stressors like “change in frequency of arguments” and “change to a different line of work” and relatively benign events like “change in eating habits” and “vacation.” While the scale helps to provide a clearer picture of how much stress has been encountered in the past year, simply looking at your life and assessing the events that have brought the most stress can help you to get more in touch with where your stress is coming from. This can be effective because you may have a clear understanding of exactly what impact each event has had on you, based on personal factors and other issues that are going on in your life. Looking at the stressful events in the past year or so also helps you to get into the frame of mind that can allow you to become more aware of your stressors and become more proactive in handling them. Which types of stressful events have you faced in the past year, and what toll do you think they have had?

Attitudes and Perspectives

We don’t always realize it, but the way in which we perceive and process our lives can actually be a source of stress in itself. When we look more closely at the negatives than at the positives of a situation, we can experience it as more threatening and, therefore, more stressful. When we dwell on negative events in our lives, we exacerbate the stress we are feeling. When we approach various situations in our lives as competitions for perfection, feeling a need to best those around us and beating ourselves up for anything short of an impossible ideal, we can cause unnecessary stress in ourselves and in those around us. I explore this in greater detail in Key 4; the important thing to note here is that becoming aware of these thought patterns is vital. If we don’t realize that our patterns of thinking can have an effect on our stress levels, we are trapped in a dynamic that follows us wherever we go and magnifies the stress that we experience in our lives. Here are three main thinking patterns to be aware of:

• Rumination. This involves dwelling on the negative, particularly when there is nothing you can do about it. It is natural to want to fix problems as they arise, but rumination is a negative and unproductive form of dwelling on things in our lives that are already causing us stress. Rumination can eat up hours of what could have been a more pleasant day.

• Negative thinking. Focusing on the negative in a situation, expecting things to go wrong, explaining away the positive things that happen in life—these are all patterns of negative thinking. If you find yourself zeroing in on the pessimistic side of things, you can save yourself a lot of stress if you stop. Noticing this pattern is the first step.

• Cognitive distortions. There are several types of cognitive distortions (again, discussed in detail in Key 4). The link between them is that they ignore a vital piece of reality, and they cause stress. These patterns of distorted thinking are automatic and designed by the psyche to protect people from stressful realities; unfortunately, they tend to cause more stress in the long run than they eliminate in the present. Notice if you begin to discount certain realities, convince yourself that you are “right” in situations without objective proof, or otherwise distort in your mind what is objectively happening around you. Facing things the way they actually are is ultimately less stressful.

Activity to Try: Become More Aware of Your Sources of Stress

After reading about the main sources of stress that people experience, and what about them makes them most stressful, you may already have a clearer picture of where the stress in your life is coming from, and you may have some ideas about where to start in managing your stress. The following exercises can help you move further along in the process of unearthing the origins of your stress and of creating a list of which major areas to address when answering the question, Where do I begin?

Activity to Try: Maintain a Stress Journal

It can be quite helpful to maintain a running list of the stressors in your life, as a way to track where your main stressors and energy drains lie and to enable you to create a plan for managing them. When maintaining a stress journal, you may simply reflect on your day each evening and record what seemed to be the biggest stressors you encountered. Over the course of a few days, you will notice patterns that point to the chronic stressors in your life, as well as the most taxing situations you face. As you record what you face with regularity, you will likely notice more of what is taking a toll and can be motivated to make changes that can stop the stress.

Schedule Periodic Check-Ins

Maintaining a stress journal can be a very useful tool for identifying sources of stress. However, we sometimes tend to put more emphasis on some types of events when we look back over the day, and we fail to remember other stressors that played a role. For example, if you have a stressful commute to work because you are engaging in rumination about the day before, you may set yourself up for a more stressful day at the office, perhaps even making mistakes that you wouldn’t have made if you were in a more relaxed state. Looking back over your day, you may not remember that the ride in was stressful because of what you were thinking about, or may not even remember the ride as being stressful at all. However, the effects are there, and this is a situation that should be addressed.

In cases like this, it can be helpful to periodically check in with yourself throughout the day and notice what is causing you stress from hour to hour. This is a practice sometimes used in studies on stress, and it can be effective for short-term use as you examine the areas of your life that are bringing the greatest levels of stress. Simple, periodic check-ins can take a few minutes here and there, and this system can accomplish two goals: It can help you to become more aware of what is stressing you, so that you can begin to make changes that will help the most, and it can help you to immediately change what you are doing in cases where that is possible. (For example, in the scenario we just discussed, you may have been immediately less likely to continue in rumination if you were reminded that you were doing so.)

Check-ins can be simple. You can set an alarm to go off every hour or half hour or at whatever interval you choose, and simply gauge how you are feeling and why as the alarm goes off. Recording what you are experiencing in your stress journal can work well here, although you can still gain some insight by simply stopping and assessing.

A typical stress check-in log might look like this:

9:00 A.M. Drove to work, and found myself ruminating about what Angelina said yesterday.

10:00 A.M. Found myself cleaning up a mess that Jenkins made with a client last week.

11:00 A.M. Just caught myself daydreaming instead of working. I’m more exhausted than I realized.

Another way to do this is to notice how you feel and why at various natural stopping points throughout your day: when you arrive at work (or school, or back home from driving your kids), when you take a midmorning break, when you have lunch, and so on. By becoming more aware of how you feel and when, you can spot stressors that you may have simply accepted, and you can see if you are able to eliminate them from your life.

Try Lifestyle Scan Meditation

Helpful in providing more immediate answers on what is stressing you, this exercise takes about 5 minutes. While journaling about stress in real time or over the course of a few weeks may yield a more accurate picture of your situation, this can work more quickly and supply you with some answers as well.

1. Take a minute to relax. Find a quiet room, get comfortable, and close your eyes.

2. Vividly imagine going through your day. In your mind’s eye, see yourself getting up in the morning and getting ready, then going through the activities you would normally perform in the course of a day. Imagine getting dressed, driving to work or school, or whatever you do in your day.

3. With each imagined activity, note how you feel about what you are thinking about. Do you feel a touch of anxiety when thinking about the drive to work? Do you find yourself tempted to ruminate about the difficult co-worker at the office? Do you feel a touch of anxiety when you think about helping your child with homework or meeting up with your significant other? The feelings you have during this visualization exercise will not be as intense as they would be in real life, so you need to be sensitive to what comes up for you—notice which areas of life feel stressful when you think about them.

4. Write this down. You may want to explore your feelings on paper after the visualization portion of this exercise, or you may simply want to make a note of the areas of your life that feel stressful and move on from there. This list will come in handy as you go through the next keys and start formulating a plan to manage the stress.

Ask a Friend

Even if you are not sure what is causing you the greatest amounts of stress in your life, there are people who can likely tell you: your friends and family. Think of the people you talk to the most, and the most candidly. What would they say brings you the most stress? Bluntly put, what do they hear you complain about the most? Think about what they might say—and if you’re not sure, you may want to ask them!

Rate the Main Areas of Your Life for Stress

Imagine each of the following areas of your life and rate the stress that they cause on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 meaning that they bring no stress, and 10 meaning that they bring unbearable stress. On the lines below each main topic or on a separate sheet of paper, add what parts of this aspect of your life may bring the most stress. (For example, under “job stress” you may list “lack of recognition,” or “impossible workload”; under “relationship stress,” you may list the name of the person who seems to cause the greatest level of stress.)

1. Job stress ___

a. _________________________________________________

b. _________________________________________________

c. _________________________________________________

2. Relationship stress ___

a. _________________________________________________

b. _________________________________________________

c. _________________________________________________

3. Stress in my weekly schedule ___

a. _________________________________________________

b. _________________________________________________

c. _________________________________________________

4. Stress and my health ___

a. _________________________________________________

b. _________________________________________________

c. _________________________________________________

5. Stressful events of the past year ___

a. _________________________________________________

b. _________________________________________________

c. _________________________________________________

6. Stress and my thought patterns ___

a. _________________________________________________

b. _________________________________________________

c. _________________________________________________

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What aspects of my job trigger stress?

• What areas of my relationships feel stressful?

• Which friends and loved ones tend to contribute to conflict in my life?

• Do I feel that I am too busy?

• What commitments in my life tend to bring stress? And in what way?

• What aspects of my health might be causing stress?

• Am I taking care of my body well enough?

• What events in my life have caused the most stress during the past year?

• Is my attitude helping or hurting me?

• Are there any ways that I might be creating more stress for myself with the way I think about things?

Evaluate Your Answers

As you look over your answers to these questions, you will likely see a pattern. You may find that the same issues are coming up multiple times. If you are going through a divorce or a change in employment, this may show up in your answers; if the situation is stressful enough, you may find that most of your answers have something to do with this situation. Or perhaps some of the questions bring answers that have a strong emotional component for you, and other questions feel benign. These questions are meant to bring your awareness to the issues that are affecting you the most, so if you find that certain topics are really resonating with you, these are the issues to focus the most attention on, when possible. For example, if you read the question “Do I feel I am too busy?” and have a lukewarm response, time management may not be an issue for you; if you feel like screaming yes! at the page as you read the words, you may want to put special attention into time management, which is covered in Key 5.

KEY 2

LEARN TO QUICKLY REVERSE YOUR STRESS RESPONSE

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

—CHINESE PROVERB

When we experience stress, the body’s fight-or-flight response is triggered. With increasing stress, this response remains triggered long term and affects functioning in ways that exacerbate stress levels and put our health at risk. This chapter explains the stress response and provides simple and effective strategies to stimulate the body’s relaxation response, which returns the body to prestress functioning. By the end of this chapter, you will have tools to bring yourself to a more relaxed state in minutes.

Why Is My Heart Pounding?

Jonathan found himself feeling overwhelmed. After a long day of putting out fires at work, and with further responsibilities waiting for him at home, he found himself in a veritable parking lot on the freeway, turning what would have been a 20-minute drive into at least an hour-long mess. As he thought about how much he just wanted to go home and relax, how many cars surrounded him, how slowly things were moving, and how little he could do about it, he discovered that his shirt was sweaty, his neck was aching, and his heart was pounding in his chest. He was going through a full stress response, even though the grueling challenges that he had faced at work were behind him and the only discernable stressors he had to contend with were the ones in his head.

This was not uncommon for John. He had a habit of becoming more stressed during his commute home if traffic was congested. We had talked about this before, and now he was prepared. In the past, he would have become angrier and angrier, tailgating, cutting people off, and using his horn often as his body responded to the stress in an equally aggressive manner. This time, he simply sat there and took a deep breath. He let it out slowly, then took another. By breathing deeply and focusing on the current moment, he was able to calm his body and his mind. Once he did this, he was able to enjoy listening to music. He was able to appreciate that, although sitting and listening to music was not his first choice of activity at that moment, he would enjoy himself much more if he were calm. And once he was, he found that he did enjoy his commute much more. He came to see it as a time to relax, rather than a time to feel trapped. Once he was able to calm his stress response, he could think more clearly and choose to shift his perspective. And this altered his experience of stress.

Fight or Flight: When It Was Useful and How It’s Outdated

One of the beautiful things about the human body is its capacity to heal and adapt. We have different physiological systems that all work together to keep us healthy, safe, and able to face whatever comes our way (or at least attempt to). The body’s stress response is integrated with several other bodily systems, so that once in motion, the stress response compels us to fight off attackers, or at least outrun them.

This stress response, also known as the fight-or-flight response, is triggered by the mere perception that we may face a threat to our physical or psychological well-being. Once activated, the response stimulates a jolt of energy, as adrenaline, cortisol, and other hormones are released to allow us to move quickly; we also experience a burst of strength, so we’re able to fight for our lives. This response is designed to slow bodily functions that aren’t essential for the fight (or would hinder it) and give us the ability to function physically beyond our regular capabilities. The body’s stress response doesn’t endow us with superpowers, but it does help us to perform at our best when it comes to moving quickly, fighting, and taking needed action.

The body is also equipped with a relaxation response, which returns the body to its normal, pre-crisis mode of functioning once the threat has passed. The heart rate slows, breathing becomes more deep and regular, and the body becomes relaxed again. If the fight-or-flight response is like flexing a muscle, the relaxation response is like letting that muscle loosen.

For centuries, this was an effective means for survival. Our world, however, has changed, and the challenges we face have evolved to become more psychological than physical. Nevertheless, the body’s stress response has remained largely the same. This means that, in some ways, we are overprepared to face what comes our way—we don’t need to physically attack co-workers who are trying to compete with us for promotions. In other ways, our stress response leaves us underprepared for our daily stressors; we may need a burst of clarity and level-headedness in the middle of a crisis, when instead, we are often left struggling to think while in a muddled place of panic.

The Role of Perception

It complicates things that the stress response may become triggered at the wrong time: The fight-or-flight response is triggered not only by an actual threat to safety and well-being, but also by the perception of threat. This means that if we believe that something is about to harm us, the body is mobilized to defend itself, whether or not we are in actual danger. And, as mentioned earlier, because most of today’s “threats” are psychological (the threat to your status in a relationship, to your security in a job, to your ability to move through traffic and make it to a meeting on time), the stress response is often triggered unnecessarily, even when there is a real threat.

In addition, the stress response can become triggered when no threat exists—when a mate is not cheating, when a job is not at stake, or when we are otherwise mistakenly concerned that we’re at risk of something negative happening in our lives. This leaves us feeling stressed more times than are necessary. It can lead to a cycle whereby we are stressed more often than not and therefore frequently results in the states of episodic stress and chronic stress that I discussed in the Introduction. Under such conditions, the stress response is activated for a prolonged period of time, without the body’s returning to its relaxed state.

This is when stress becomes a problem.

The Effects of Chronic Stress

While the stress response is vital to human survival because it helps us to become motivated to act when necessary, it was not designed to be constantly triggered. We were never meant to function from this place permanently or even for prolonged amounts of time. When the body gets to a state of chronic stress, the negative health effects we discussed in Key 1 can occur and take a lasting toll on us both physically and mentally. Basically, the body moves into a state of imbalance, and we suffer negative effects both physically and psychologically as a result.

How to Manage

Although we can’t always change what we face in life, and we can’t change our body’s natural, automatic response to the perception of stress, what we can effectively do is to work around the body’s stress response, to minimize our experience of chronic stress. This means taking an approach that covers several bases at once. We can work at minimizing how often our stress response is triggered by altering the thought patterns and habits of perception that may trigger our stress response too frequently. This could mean increasing our degree of optimism, reframing our situation, or focusing on resources, all of which is covered in Key 4.

We can also work on creating lifestyle habits that decrease our body’s reaction to stress. Habits such as meditation, for example, alter the brain and change the way it responds when stressed. If such habits are successfully practiced, when the stress response is triggered, the response is less intense and the body returns to its relaxed state more easily, something we discuss in Key 8. We can also take better care of ourselves physically so that we aren’t overly sensitive to the stress response (Key 3), rally our resources so we’re better able to handle challenges that arise and not perceive them as stressful (Keys 6 and 7), and cut out stressors whenever possible so the stress response is triggered by fewer events (Key 5).

Perhaps one of the most important ways we can minimize the negative effects of chronic stress is to develop effective ways to reverse our stress response once we realize it’s been triggered. Because chronic stress results when the body remains in a state of constant stress, if we can learn to return the body to its resting state—a state of stability, or homeostasis—between challenging events, we can create a greater amount of time the body feels relaxed and unaffected by stress. Better still, by practicing techniques that bring us to a relaxed state, we can train our bodies to become quickly relaxed with little effort, and this can become increasingly automatic.

By learning relaxation techniques and cutting down on the chronic stress we experience, we can feel more relaxed in the present moment, and we can also allow ourselves to avoid the negative effects of chronic stress that we would otherwise be experiencing. By practicing relaxation techniques regularly, we can minimize the body’s experience of stress without changing anything else. Combined with other effective stress management techniques, relaxation techniques become all the more powerful.

Activity to Try: Relaxation Exercises

With this in mind, let’s explore some of the simplest and most effective relaxation techniques. Activities that physically relax the body can work well for stress management because they not only enable you to calm your body’s stress response, but also can help you to separate physical reactions from emotional stress so that, in time, you may be less physically reactive to the stress you face. Each of the following relaxation techniques can work quickly on its own and can bring even greater benefits if practiced repeatedly or with other stress relief techniques. As you read, think of the situations in which you usually find yourself feeling stressed and make mental notes of which techniques may be the best fit for those times.

Activity to Try: Breathing Exercises

Relaxation breathing is one of my favorite techniques to recommend and is something I use quite frequently in my own life. Breathing exercises are simple in that they can be learned in minutes and practiced by virtually anyone, including children and those with physical challenges. These exercises are versatile and convenient in that they can be practiced almost anywhere at any time (even during a stressful event) and can be modified to fit individual tastes. With practice, relaxation breathing can become automatic, so that relaxation becomes a mode to slip into, rather than something to be achieved only with the help of someone or something else, or under the right conditions. Simply, conveniently, and easily, breathing exercises work.

How Breathing Exercises Work

What differentiates stress relaxation breathing from the type of breathing we do every day is subtle but significant. When everything is running smoothly and the body is relaxed, we naturally breathe from the diaphragm, with the belly extending and contracting with each breath while the shoulders remain relaxed and loose. We breathe in deeply, filling our lungs, and breathe out with ease.

When we face stress and the stress response has been triggered, we tend to breathe less efficiently. We engage in a more shallow form of breathing, where our shoulders remain tight and rise and fall with our breath, while our abdominal muscles may remain constricted. We breathe more quickly because we are not getting as much air as we should. This is all in keeping with the changes that prepare us to fight or run, to act quickly, but it is not healthy for us. Sadly, some people find themselves breathing this way virtually all the time that they are awake.

The act of consciously releasing the tension in the body and forcing our breathing to mimic the more relaxed breathing that our body enacts at a resting state can help to reverse the body’s triggered stress response and thus help us to physically relax. It can also help us to relax emotionally, because the body no longer reacts from a position of feeling stressed.

How Breathing Exercises Can Work for You

Relaxed breathing is an integral part of yoga, so if you are interested in learning this type of breathing directly from a teacher, taking a yoga class or two can be a great idea. A teacher can talk you through the process and let you know if changes need to be made to your technique.

For most people, however, reading instructions on stress relief breathing is sufficient and an easy and effective way to learn the process. The following instructions provide a quick and simple method for breathing your way into a more relaxed state:

1. Find a quiet place to relax, and get comfortable.

2. Focus on your breathing. Relax your shoulders, and let them hang down, away from your head. Quickly notice where there is tension in the rest of your body, and let that relax as well.

3. Notice your breathing. Is it shallow? Are your shoulders rising and falling with each breath? If so, relax even further until your breathing is slow, steady, and deep and your belly expands and contracts with each breath, even if you have to loosen clothing to allow this to occur comfortably. This is called diaphragmic breathing (because it comes from your diaphragm), and it is the way we naturally breathe when we are sleeping, or when we are relaxed.

4. To further regulate your breathing, you may want to count with each breath—count slowly to five on the inhale, and count slowly to eight with each exhale—to keep it at a relaxed pace.

5. Once you feel that you are breathing in a fully relaxed manner, you can stop counting and stop focusing on altering your breathing. Rather than changing your breathing patterns at this point, simply notice your breath as it moves into and out of your body. You should feel more relaxed within minutes. You should also have a clear memory of what this more relaxed form of breathing feels like, so you can move into it more easily in the future when you need to quickly relax.

Visualizations

Research shows that visualizations affect the body as well as the mind. When we vividly picture ourselves engaging in an activity, the brain can’t tell the difference between what we are imagining and what we are actually experiencing. The mind believes that it is experiencing what we are visualizing. Our pulse may quicken or slow down based on what we believe we are experiencing, and other responses can occur as well, including those that aid relaxation.

While it is somewhat surprising that the mind is fully engaged in visualizations and “believes” that these experiences are true, what is more remarkable is that the muscles involved in visualizations are actually, in reality, engaged as well. This works quite well for athletes and for people preparing for public speaking and other challenges that require practice and confidence for mastery, but it can be quite helpful for relaxation purposes as well.

Stress management visualizations can work in several ways. First, the mere act of imagining circumstances that are less stressful than the ones you currently face can shift your attention and can help you to replace thoughts that will trigger your stress response with thoughts that can allow your relaxation response to engage naturally, or at least will stop the stress. This can be helpful if you tend to ruminate about things that have upset you in the past or worry about things you must face in the future.

Second, the visualizations themselves can get you into a more relaxed state of mind, not just with the absence of stressful thoughts, but also with the presence of more relaxing, happiness-inducing thoughts. If you close your eyes and imagine yourself on a soft cloud, floating above the noise in your life (instead of being in the midst of a stressful office environment) or imagine being in a place where you always feel at ease (such as your favorite chair at home), you can encourage your body to feel the way it would normally feel in that environment. Visualizing positive things happening in your life can help you to feel more confident about facing challenges and can help you to break thought habits that are negative.

Another benefit of visualizations is that you can visualize your body into a more relaxed state by imagining it so. If your heart is racing, you can visualize images that suggest a slow pace, such as a gentle ride down a stream in a canoe; you can also directly imagine that your pulse is slowing down. If you feel tension in your shoulders, you can visualize the tension leaving your body by conjuring up an image of the tension seeping out of your body through your pores, or a feeling of relaxation flowing from your head to your toes as though a cup of water were being poured on you and washing down your body. You get the idea.

Visualizations can work fairly quickly in helping to relieve stress. The technique generally requires some privacy or quiet time for focus, but with practice, you can shorten the length of time it takes to work and strengthen the response you feel. (For example, with practice you can create a “happy place” for yourself—a mental image you create that relaxes you and helps you to stay at peace. Over time, you can get into the habit of relaxing at the mere thought of your happy place.) You can experiment with what types of images to use; later in this chapter, I offer examples to give you ideas. You can also download recordings from the website of this book that can help you to relieve stress through visualization. (For more information, go to 8KeysToStressManagement.com or ElizabethScott.info.)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a technique that focuses mainly on the muscles themselves. While it takes some time to master, even short sessions of PMR can bring about a more relaxed state. The idea behind PMR is to tense and relax all the major muscle groups in a systematic way, draining the muscles of residual tension in the process. With practice, it becomes much easier to relax the entire body this way, often in seconds rather than in minutes, a technique known as deep muscle relaxation (DMR). Learning PMR and DMR is relatively easy, but it takes practice. It is most effective to learn this practice from a professional, although you can learn from recordings and videos as well. Here is a simplified version of PMR you can try right now:

1. Set aside a few minutes, find a private place away from distractions, and sit or lie down in a relaxed position.

2. Tense the muscles in your scalp. Hold these muscles tensed for at least 30 seconds, lifting your ears (if you are able) and clenching whatever you can. Then relax. Allow all the tension to drain from the muscles in your head, and simply “be.”

3. Repeat this with the muscles in your face. Keep the muscles in your cheeks, jaw, and the rest of your face as tense as you can, and hold this for about a minute. Then relax, and let all the tension drain from your muscles.

4. Repeat this with your neck. Then move to your shoulders, upper arms, lower arms and fists, back, abdomen, glutes, thighs, calves, and feet.

5. Over time, you will be able to more quickly tense and relax each area, and the process of relaxing will begin to feel automatic.

Self-Hypnosis

When the idea of hypnosis comes up, many people still think of hypnotists who appear on the stage—entertainers who will hypnotize volunteers from the audience and get them to act like a chicken when they hear the word marshmallow or perform unnatural feats of strength. Most techniques used in hypnosis, particularly self-hypnosis, are much less embarrassing, and much more useful in helping participants change behaviors they want to change. Self-hypnosis works in a way that is similar to visualizations, except that the state of relaxation is deeper and the mind’s engagement is more immersive.

We can self-hypnotize for many purposes, such as stopping smoking and getting rid of anxieties and phobias. But self-hypnotization is an especially potent tool for stress management. You can tap into your subconscious mind and plant suggestions that allow you to relax, let things roll off your back, and maintain habits that relieve stress. Hypnosis generally requires a few sessions for maximum effect, but it can begin working quickly. A session lasting a few minutes and aimed at relaxation can work well.

There are several different ways you can use hypnosis and self-hypnosis for stress relief. You can find many self-hypnosis resources online (an audio file is available from 8KeysToStressManagement.com), and you can create your own script and recording.

Mini-meditation

Meditation is a very powerful tool for stress management. It works best when practiced for at least 15 or 20 minutes per session, because it takes a while for the mind to quiet itself and it is the practice of keeping the mind quiet and still that delivers many of the most noted benefits of meditation. (You can read more about meditation in Key 8, which discusses long-term habits that build resilience to stress.)

Mini-meditations—meditation sessions that last 3 to 5 minutes—can also be helpful in reducing stress in that they can minimize your stress reaction and help you to quickly calm your mind. Taking a few minutes to focus inwardly can help you to stop focusing on the stressful situations around you, which can help you to get out of a mindset of feeling threatened and allow you to reverse your stress response. (Keys 4 and 8 contain a set of simple instructions for meditation; for a mini-meditation session, simply set a timer for 3–5 minutes, follow the instructions, and stop when the timer goes off.)

Autogenic Training

Autogenic training can be quite useful for quickly calming the body and reversing the stress response. It involves training the mind to alter physiological responses that are generally automatic. Autogenic training has been used for increasing circulation by, for example, focusing on warming the hands or feet through thought.

Autogenic training can be used for minimizing or reversing the stress response and can be quite effective. However, it works best when learned from a professional, and it takes some time and effort—it’s not easily learned in minutes, unlike breathing exercises. Autogenic training requires extra front-end effort, but it promotes the ability to quickly and easily destress your body using only your mind. You can learn to control other bodily systems as well, if you wish.

Find Support

Having a supportive friend to lean on during times of stress can bring relief. In fact, during such times a “tend-and-befriend” response often occurs, especially in women, that causes us to seek out and offer support, which can be beneficial in surviving stressors more easily, for us as individuals and as members of a group.

Long, conversational sessions with a good friend or therapist can be extremely useful in destressing (more information on building a supportive network of friends can be found in Key 6). However, getting a quick pep talk from a close friend can be an even simpler way to get to a place of feeling more relaxed and grounded and can be considered its own stress relief technique. Studies show that getting this type of support can reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the bloodstream—a standard marker of stress—and can make people feel less distressed.

The important thing to remember is to give back as much as you take from any relationship. Be sure you are well matched with the friends you lean on, so you are not asking from them more than they are comfortable providing. And be sure to be there for them when they need some support. It is important to have effective ways to calm down quickly, but keeping an eye on the long-term development of relationships is important, too.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Do I need techniques to help me relax in the middle of a tense situation, or would it be sufficient to have a relaxation strategy to use during lunch or at the end of the day? (Breathing exercises can work at any time; mini-meditations and progressive muscle relaxation may require a small break and a place in which to relax. Finding support may require more time.)

• Do I have any limitations that might make certain relaxation techniques more difficult? (Physical pain, for example, might be too distracting for progressive muscle relaxation.)

• Which techniques sound most enjoyable and intriguing? (Some people find meditation more challenging if their mind races when they are stressed. Others may find visualizations to be especially enjoyable because they like to use their imagination.)

• Can I see myself doing any of these long term? Which ones seem the easiest to habitually practice? (These questions can help you to weed out any that might feel boring or complicated.)

• Given the times when I need to destress the most, which of these techniques would be most convenient or effective to use during those situations?

Evaluate Your Answers

Because there are several different options for relaxation techniques (and this has not been an exhaustive list), we have several activities to choose from. The answers to the questions listed above should provide you with some clues for where to begin when you look for strategies to help reverse your stress response. These strategies will be your first line of defense against stress, so it is important that you have at least one or two that you can consistently use to calm yourself inside, and face your stress in a more proactive way. Looking at the situations in which you would need to use your techniques can help you to avoid methods that would not be a good fit with your life. Examining the characteristics of your personality can help you to avoid stress relievers that might naturally feel more challenging. Look at your needs and keep them in mind as you realistically evaluate the quick stress relief strategies in this chapter and others, and make a short list of potential stress relievers that appeal to you the most. Then put them to work for you!

Tips to Get You Started Now

While there is an entire section at the end of this book that can help you to form a cohesive plan to approach stress management, if you are looking for a quick way to get started, I recommend that you start here. Finding relaxation techniques that work for you can provide you with a quick route to reversing your stress response and approaching stress management from a more empowered place. Also, these techniques work quickly—in a matter of minutes—and require little practice before they provide at least some measure of effective stress relief. If you are able to quickly minimize your feelings of stress and gain more motivation by using these methods, you may find more success with the techniques you read about later in this book.

Here are some simple ways to get started right now with the relaxation techniques noted earlier in this chapter:

• Try a different technique each day. You may find that you’d like to try each technique as you read about it. While this is definitely a possibility, you may not have the time to try out each of them right now. If you sample a different technique each day for the next week or so, you may find this to be a more comfortable pace. You’ll also get a chance to see how each one helps you to relieve stress in real situations in which you would use them. (Practicing breathing exercises while you are already relaxed and reading a book may feel different from using the exercises when you are in the middle of working on a deadline at the office.) Using different techniques in the same situations over the course of a week can allow you to get a real sense of what works best for you in these situations; this is a simple way to compare and contrast them as you go.

• Try each one for a week. Sticking with the same technique for a week can help you to get better at it, making each technique feel more natural and easier to use. This strategy also gives you a better chance to see how well these techniques work over time. Immersing yourself in a single burgeoning habit (rather than trying a series of different techniques in a short amount of time) allows you to gain an association with that habit—to get in the habit of feeling relaxed more quickly and automatically when you begin to practice it. Switching to a different habit after a week will allow you to try several before you become so tied to any of them that you won’t want to try anything else, but still lets you get a real feel for how each technique works to help you relieve stress if used regularly.

• Maintain a journal to see what works best. One of the most effective ways to forge a new habit is to maintain a journal around it. To make an analogy, people who are attempting to spend less money can find greater success by first recording what they are currently spending and on what, and then finding ways to cut down on the things that they buy, based on carefully assessing where their money is going and looking at where it is being wasted. Journaling can continue to be useful as spending is recorded moving forward—writing down everything you spend can be a good motivating factor in helping you want to spend less, if only to avoid having to admit to it in black and white.

Journaling can help with stress relief in a similar way. You can record the times of day that you feel stressed, which can help you to remember when to use your techniques. You can record how each of the techniques seem to work for you, making it easier to compare and contrast them. Finally, you can write down the frequency with which you use them, which can remind you to do so and reinforce the habit as well. The journaling route takes some effort, but can bring a high payoff in terms of helping you to better evaluate when you need to relieve stress and how to best do so.

KEY 3

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.

—IRISH PROVERB

When we aren’t taking care of ourselves physically, we tend to feel more stressed. Poor nutrition, inadequate sleep, and a sedentary lifestyle can exacerbate reactivity to stressors. This chapter will provide you with research supporting the importance of proper nutrition, adequate and consistent sleep, and regular physical activity, as well as easy techniques that promote the maintenance of self-care and a healthy lifestyle. Here is how you can feel better emotionally by working on staying healthier physically!

A Downward Spiral of Stress and Self-Neglect

Janice found herself working harder than she had been before. When her company downsized, she found herself feeling so lucky to still have a job that she gladly accepted the extra responsibilities left by the co-workers who had been let go. As she struggled to find a new equilibrium, she found that she was too busy for the healthy meals she had previously made herself after work, and she often just picked something up on her way home. (And the most convenient stops on the way from work to home were fast food restaurants.) She also found that her sleep schedule suffered as she spent more time at work—she had less time for everything else, and that extra time had to come from somewhere. She also stopped going to the gym: When deciding whether to sleep or work out, she discovered that sleep would win out every time.

Over the next few weeks, she found herself more and more stressed. She had trouble concentrating, she was short-tempered, and she felt less and less able to cope. At first, she thought the stress was coming from the fear of losing her job, or even from the challenge of taking on new responsibilities. However, when we looked at the different factors that went into her rising stress levels, Janice was surprised to observe how her self-care was plummeting, and she realized that it was contributing to her stress. She understood that it went beyond the stressors at work. She was no longer taking care of herself, and the results were surprising. The combination of sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, and lack of exercise seemed to feed off itself.

When she recognized what was going on, she took a hard look at her schedule, cut out some activities, and worked at restoring self-care in her schedule. Within a matter of days, she felt happier, more energetic, mentally sharper, more patient, and better able to take on the stresses of her new job responsibilities. She was amazed at what a difference a little sleep, food, and movement could make!

Stress and the Importance of Self-Care

When we find ourselves working hard to meet heavy deadlines, dealing with difficult people, and facing more than we feel we can handle, we tend to let a few things go. Operating from what feels like crisis mode, we may try to handle the most pressing concerns first and let other things slip—we may get a little less sleep, may skip a few workouts, and may grab the closest thing there is to eat, in an effort to save time and give 110% to the demands we face. Unfortunately, such short-term sacrifice can hinder our ability to face demands long term. Just as a perpetually triggered stress response can create an escalating pattern of stress, operating from a place of being overwhelmed can tempt us to make choices that will only make things more difficult for ourselves over time.

If you face a short-term challenge that requires you to put in your all for a few hours, or even a few days, you may find yourself cutting corners on how you take care of yourself physically. As days stretch into weeks, however, you risk putting yourself into a much more stressful, unhealthy situation that can affect you for much longer. And, perhaps worse, you may not realize that your self-neglect is fueling your stress, or you may not know how to get out from under its effects. It is important to know the risks of short-term and long-term neglect of self-care and see what you can do to continue to take care of yourself, even (especially!) when you are under heavy levels of stress.

Optimal Functioning

It’s no secret that we function at our best when we’re feeling at our healthiest and happiest. And we naturally feel the urge to do what’s healthy because it just feels right. In this way, we set ourselves up for success by doing what feels good naturally—eating well, sleeping when we’re tired, getting together with friends when we’re lonely, and doing things that we enjoy in order to maintain balance. We’re designed to intrinsically sense when something is out of balance and feel compelled to correct it.

This system hits a roadblock when our environment throws us too many curveballs or when we don’t listen to our inner voice that tells us we’re headed in the wrong direction. When we feel overly stressed, we tend to crave things that may give us a temporary lift but that don’t support our long-term health and functioning. There are several reasons why this happens and there are steps we can take to counteract the effects, but if we don’t stop the negative progression of things, we could be headed for trouble.

Downward Stress Spiral

When we are under stress, a number of things happen. We may be too busy to heed our body’s signals. We may find ourselves staying up all night to work on a pressing project rather than going to sleep when we’re tired, or grabbing a quick (and less-than-healthy) meal because we can’t take the time to cook more nutritious food. These trade-offs may seem to be small shifts and can be tolerated in small doses. However, they set us on a self-perpetuating path that can cause us to feel more stressed, and this stress can actually make it more difficult to pull ourselves back into our naturally healthy behaviors.

This is because we behave differently when we are coming from a place of chronic stress. Just as we think differently (see Key 4) and react differently (see Key 2) when experiencing life’s stressors, we tend to handle self-care differently when we are operating from a place of already feeling stressed. We may crave different foods, may have a more challenging time getting to sleep and staying asleep, and may even have a harder time relating to others. This can put us into a place of being more stressed, because we may be coming from a nutritionally deprived, sleep deprived state and have less social support to help us through it. Of course, this can lead to greater stress, more cravings for the wrong things, more conflict, and a continued downward spiral.

Health and Wellness

Ultimately, stress management is not just about feeling at ease (though this is important); stress management is important because it leads to greater overall health and longevity. Managing stress isn’t just a luxury; it’s a necessity for proper functioning. Taking care of ourselves physically, a practice known as self-care, is important for two reasons. It is important for our health not only because of the direct positive effects we gain from a healthy diet, adequate exercise, and supportive relationships, but also because having these things in place can help us to avoid the additional stress (and resulting threats to our health) that can come from unhealthy habits and poor self-care. Moreover, when you are less stressed and living a healthier life, those around you benefit as well, so in making these types of changes, you can have an impact on those people while making improvements in your own life. The following sections delve deeper into what specific changes bring the greatest benefits and are the most necessary to make.

Important Aspects of Self-Care

There are many behaviors that can fall under the umbrella of self-care, such as brushing teeth, getting monthly massages, and practicing stress management in general. Because certain habits bring the greatest benefits, we’ll focus on those. The following three main areas of self-care have been included because focusing on them can significantly alter your experience of stress. Sleep deprivation and poor nutrition can exacerbate stress and lead to poor health consequences, and shifting from a sedentary lifestyle to an active one can promote long-term resilience to stress. Let’s look more in depth at each of these, how they affect us, and the shifts that can help the most with the management of stress.

Proper Nutrition

Providing your body with the right kind of fuel is perhaps more important than we realize. Of course, we have all heard the motto “You are what you eat” and similar truisms, and the reality is that what we put into our bodies has an immediate impact not only on how we feel physically days from now, but also on how we feel emotionally minutes from now. A diet that contains too much sugar can make us more reactive to stress, as well as making us more vulnerable to disease and premature aging. A solid balance of protein and carbohydrates, found in a mix of healthy food that does not contain an abundance of sugar, starch, fats, or artificial ingredients can set you up to function at your best, with less stress.

Effects of a Poor Diet

Diets that contain empty calories can leave us without the mental and physical energy we need to face the challenges in our lives. (Remember that when we feel that the demands of a situation exceed our resources for coping, we feel stressed.) Foods that contain excess amounts of sugar and caffeine can give us a jolt of energy and a quick boost to our mood, but this is followed by a “crash,” which can leave us feeling lethargic, depressed, and craving more. And because these stimulants are addictive, we tend to continue the cycle of poor eating habits and increased stress.

Long-term effects of an unhealthy diet include such health risks as obesity and diabetes. Obesity increases your risk of many other health conditions, among them high blood pressure, sleep apnea, heart conditions, and diabetes. These are serious health conditions that can be highly stressful and even life threatening. Altering your diet is not easy during times of stress, but it is necessary for your health.

Diet Saboteurs

When we are in a stressed state, we often find it more difficult to maintain a healthy diet. There are a few reasons for this, some of which are related to our reactions to stress and some of which originate in the reasons we are stressed in the first place. Here are the main stumbling blocks to watch and some corresponding tips that can help with each one:

• Busy schedules. When we are especially busy, we tend to grab whatever food is quick to obtain. Unfortunately, the most convenient foods are often the least healthy. Grabbing junk food on the run can keep you from getting too hungry if you have a few busy hours, but it comes at a cost to your overall health and emotional state. If you keep a few healthy options close by and opt for them instead, you can avoid the fast food trap.

• Bad influences. Studies show that weight gain is contagious—if you spend a lot of time with people who are overweight and have unhealthy eating habits, there is a likelihood that you yourself will adopt such eating habits. If co-workers bring in sweets to share, friends routinely want to meet and eat at restaurants that serve unhealthy fare, or you live in a house that is filled with junk food that others buy, you probably already know the pull that this type of peer pressure can exert. It is important to have a plan to avoid these temptations, and stick with it.

• Cortisol cravings. When our bodies have elevated levels of the stress hormone, cortisol, we tend to crave sweets more strongly. This may have been a healthy adaptation at some point, but now it tempts us to reach for the ice cream in times of stress. (And if we have an abundance of ice cream available, this can become a recipe for overindulgence!) Using some of the quick stress relievers I discussed in Key 2 can help to calm the body’s stress response so it becomes less challenging to reach for carrots or celery instead.

• Emotional eating. Often when we feel stressed, we tend to crave comfort food, which is generally not the healthiest food, but it reminds us of our childhood, or of happier times. Other times, when we are emotionally stressed, we eat to fill a void or to feel that we are doing something nice for ourselves. We eat for an emotional pick-me-up, but we may wind up with the opposite. When you find yourself eating when you are not actually hungry or choosing foods that will not sustain you in a healthy way, try to do something that will make you feel better emotionally that does not involve food, such as seeking support from a friend, writing in a gratitude journal, or doing things that generally make you smile.

• Habit. When we are facing stress, we may find it more difficult to take on new changes. If you are used to eating an unhealthy diet, the very time you would do best to change this might be the time during which it would be most challenging—times of stress. It is wise to maintain healthy habits when you are not already overwhelmed. When you do so, maintaining these habits when it is both most important and most challenging will be easier to do.

How to Manage: Improving Your Eating Habits

In addition to the tips mentioned above, the following proactive steps can help you to avoid letting your stress push you into a downward spiral of unhealthy eating habits and ensuing spikes in stress levels:

• Stock your kitchen. If you find yourself reaching for the quickest thing available, it’s best to be surrounded by convenient, healthy options. Plan ahead by stocking your kitchen with healthy fruit- and vegetable-based snacks, such as apples and celery that can be enjoyed with peanut butter, carrots and broccoli that can be eaten raw with a favorite dip, hummus with bruschetta and pita, or even just a ripe banana. Cook extra portions of some meals that can be easily reheated, such as vegetable-heavy chili, oven-baked chicken, or hearty soups. And don’t buy foods that you know you would be better off not eating. If your environment supports the habits you want to maintain, you will not have to rely on willpower as heavily, and this can relieve stress.

• Know where to find healthier fare. If you find yourself eating out quite a bit, you can still avoid the traps of unhealthy eating if you plan ahead. Know where the healthiest restaurants in your area are located, and be aware of the healthiest meals on the menu.

• Become aware of your obstacles. If you tend to binge on a specific food when you’re stressed, try to switch to a healthier option. If you find you eat the wrong things at a certain time of day, be sure that you are surrounded by better options during that time frame. If you find that you forget to eat when you are stressed, you may want to set an alarm on your phone or computer to remind yourself to eat. If certain people send you into a stress binge, see if you can minimize contact. Think about what your triggers are, and find a plan to work around them.

• Start new habits. One simple way of cutting out negative habits is to take on new habits in your life that are incompatible with the unhealthy ones. Start journaling to manage emotional stress, and you may find your stress cravings diminish. Start exercising more often, and sweets may hold less sway. Add healthy foods to each meal, and you won’t have as much room in your stomach for the less healthy options. See what new habits you can take on!

• Enlist support. Your friends may have the capacity to be negative influences, but they can also be wonderful allies. Announce to others your intentions to stay on track with healthy eating, and they will be less likely to offer you unhealthy options and more likely to gently remind you when you are going off track, even if they do not plan to make these changes themselves. You may also want to enlist the support of a group like Weight Watchers, where you can find support and information and be congratulated on your success in sticking to your healthy eating goals.

• Try mindful eating. Sometimes when we feel we can’t have something, our cravings for it only grow stronger. If you experience increased cravings when you try to cut certain things out of your diet completely, you may want to try simply cutting back and really enjoying what you do allow yourself to have. Mindful eating can be an effective tool to use here. By intensifying your focus on your food as you eat it, you can expand your enjoyment of the things you crave and minimize the amount of it you need to eat in order to feel satisfied. Focus on every sensation you feel as you eat; if you do so, one bite of ice cream can be more satisfying than an entire bowl. Give it a try, and see how much less you can eat and how much more you can enjoy it.

Exercise

During times of stress and of feeling overwhelmed, few of us naturally feel like taking a brisk jog or sweating at the gym for an hour, unless we are already in the practice of doing these things. In fact, many people find themselves skipping workouts during times of stress either because their schedules keep them feeling too busy to work out or because they feel exhausted from the demands they face. However, maintaining regular exercise is important, for several reasons.

Benefits of Exercise

We all know that exercise is important, but we may underestimate its true value. Regular physical activity decreases your risk of experiencing the most serious medical conditions, including heart disease, cancer, and stroke, as well as diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. Should you suffer from such conditions, exercise improves your functioning level. It is also a fantastic tool for stress relief! Proved to lower cortisol levels in the blood after only 3 minutes, physical activity helps to balance out your hormonal levels, reverse the stress response, release tension, boost your confidence, and clear your mind when you are stressed. Regular exercise supports overall wellness in countless ways and is linked to increased longevity. If you can take on only one healthy habit, exercise might be the most beneficial one you can choose.

Problems That Arise from Lack of Exercise

As with healthy eating, the time to ensure that we get enough exercise is when we may feel we have the least time and energy for it—when we are stressed. Here are some problems that may creep in when we skip a few too many workouts:

• Lethargy. Paradoxically, when we expend energy through exercise, we tend to feel more energetic overall. Likewise, when we remain sedentary, we generally lack energy overall, and this lethargy can affect our ability to face other challenges in our lives. Just as giving love can bring us more love in our lives, expending energy through exercise can bring us greater levels of energy in general.

• Unmanaged stress. Because exercise is such an effective stress relief tool (see Keys 2 and 8 for more on this), we deprive ourselves of stress management help when we fail to remain active. Just as exercise can eliminate stress in the body and mind, less physical activity tends to mean more stress. Adding exercise sessions to your schedule can keep stress levels lower in general.

• Health issues. As mentioned earlier, lack of physical activity is correlated with higher incidences of health issues. Dealing with these issues can be quite stressful in itself. In this way, failing to prioritize physical activity creates greater stress in the future, not only because of the missed stress management opportunities but also because of the health issues that can occur. Regular exercise is proactive stress management.

Exercise Saboteurs

In addition to feeling too busy or too tired for a good workout, there are a few other obstacles you may face that can get between you and your exercise goals:

• Past failure. If you have tried to start an exercise habit and have failed in the past, you may be reluctant to try again. You may feel that your lifestyle just can’t accommodate it, or that you don’t have what it takes to maintain a regular schedule of physical activity. We touch on this more in Key 8, but it is important to know that you can achieve different results with a different plan. There are forms of exercise that can contribute to your overall health and take only 10 minutes. There are types of exercise that can appeal to just about anyone. Don’t let your past dictate your future.

• Physical injury. If you have been injured in the past, it is important to consult a doctor before you begin a new exercise regimen. This is easily done, and it can increase your confidence and allow you to know which exercises to practice and which to stay away from. You may also wish to hire a trainer to learn proper form and reduce risk of injury in the future. Make an appointment today, and don’t let past injury (or fear of future injury) stand in your way.

• Habit. You may simply be in the habit of remaining sedentary. That’s okay; you can form a new habit. It just takes a little time. Whatever stage of change you are in, you can move yourself into a new exercise habit relatively easily, with a little preparation and motivation.

How to Manage: Start and Maintain Regular Exercise Habits

There are many ways to ease into an exercise program, and even more varieties of exercise are available to try. While we explore this further in Keys 7 and 8 and touch on it in Key 2, here are some simple ways to make exercise a part of your life and some ideas to remember to make this a smooth process:

• Join a gym. Making the commitment to join a gym can actually stimulate motivation, strengthening your decision to get more exercise. After all, if you invested money in this habit, you will want to get your money’s worth. Gyms also offer many supportive options that can help you along the way, including different types of classes, access to personal trainers, and various types of equipment that you can experiment on; some even have saunas, hot tubs, and showers, which can make the experience both relaxing and convenient.

• Get a buddy. Workout buddies can do two things. They can motivate you to do your best with a little friendly competition or support when your motivation wanes. They can also keep you on track—you may be much less likely to cancel a workout if you know you will be letting a friend down. Workouts with friends can be more enjoyable and feel less like work, so this can be an added bonus.

• Find the right exercise for you. If your workouts feel grueling and joyless, you probably aren’t doing the best types of exercises for your lifestyle and personality. There are many different types of workouts you can try. The intention is to pick one that fits your goals and personal style. Exercise truly can be fun, whether you enjoy team sports, solitary sports, dancing, yoga, swimming, cycling, or various types of classes. If you don’t like the choice you made, choose again!

• Set realistic goals. Often people push themselves too hard in the beginning and then give up. By setting more realistic goals, you are not only more likely to avoid injury, you are also more likely to succeed, because you will be less likely to become discouraged and burn out. Start slowly, reward yourself for small milestones, and keep trying. If you find yourself skipping workouts, don’t quit—you may need to adjust your plan, but you can find a way to make exercise work in your life. It can and should be enjoyable!

Sleep

Sleep is more vital to our wellness and overall functioning than we might realize. It is also closely linked with our stress levels. Safeguarding your sleep is important for many reasons.

Effects of Missed Sleep

We may not notice the effects of missed sleep in their entirety, because they can be subtle. However, they are also pervasive. Sleep deprivation has been used as a method of torture because it can be distressing and damaging, even in the smaller doses that we typically experience as part of a hectic lifestyle. When we do not get the full 7–8 hours of sleep that our bodies need, we experience cognitive impairments and slower reflexes, as well as a greater emotional reactivity to virtually everything that we face. This not only can exacerbate the stress that we may already feel, but also can cause us to create situations that will bring more stress. For example, if we become irritable because we are very tired, we may get into arguments with loved ones, which can produce more conflict than usual in our lives and sap us of emotional support. When we are not thinking as clearly as we would have been had we been better rested, we can make simple mistakes that lead to stressful consequences, such as missing questions on a test that we otherwise would have been able to answer or making errors at work and weakening our chances at job security. When we lack sleep we can also make mistakes that result in consequences that are extremely negative. For example, people operating on less than 6 hours of sleep are significantly more likely to be involved in an automobile accident than those who have had a full 8 hours. Over time, sleep loss can affect overall health. Lack of sleep weakens immunity, leaving us more susceptible to virtually all diseases and conditions. (This, of course, can also contribute to stress levels.) There are many reasons to strive to get enough sleep, and stress management is one of the most compelling ones.

Sleep Saboteurs

As with many other aspects of self-care, sleep is important for stress relief. When get inadequate sleep, particularly on a regular basis or for several days in a row, this can feed into a cycle of more stress and more missed sleep. Here are some of the main culprits for missed sleep:

• Busy schedules. As with exercise and proper nutrition, busy schedules can cause us to shave hours off our time in bed. Some people get to the point where having adequate sleep is seen as a luxury. However, when we look at all the negative effects of missed sleep, it becomes easier to identify activities that can be cut out or at least time slots where power naps can be added.

• Outside influences. If your friends, family, or roommates tend to skimp on sleep, you may find yourself doing the same. It becomes difficult to be the first one to go to sleep, particularly when there is still fun to be had. In such circumstances, you may need to accept that you are going against the grain in favor of meeting your most important needs.

• Stress. People often find that stress itself makes sleep more difficult. Whether we are staying up later because our stress responses are triggered and our bodies can’t relax or we’re busy thinking about our problems and their potential solutions, stress can make it more difficult to fall asleep. Other times, we may wake up during the night and find that stress-filled thoughts about the next day make it difficult to fall back asleep. Even finding the kind of high-quality, restful sleep we need can be affected by the stress we face. Managing stress can bring better sleep, just as better sleep can help us to more effectively manage stress.

• Habits. We may not realize when our habits are getting in the way of sleep, but this can definitely be a factor, too. Consuming caffeine too late in the day can have a significant impact on sleep, because caffeine stays in the body for many hours and can make it difficult for us to drift off to sleep. Exercise right before bed can affect us as well, as our physiology is keyed up and not ready for the deep relaxation of sleep just yet. Similarly, the use of visual electronics late at night can shift melatonin levels and fool the body into thinking it is earlier than it is; when this happens, sleep is affected. By avoiding late-afternoon and nighttime caffeine and avoiding electronics and exercise for at least an hour before it is time to sleep, you can make it easier for your body to fall asleep and stay asleep.

• Underlying health issues. Certain health issues can affect sleep, as can various medications. If you have tried the techniques recommended in this book and are still having difficulty sleeping, or if you suspect that the problem is more serious than can be addressed here, consult with your doctor. It is important to get to the root of the problem, and there are many things that can be done to bring on sleep more easily.

How to Manage: Improving Your Sleep

Aside from the tips mentioned above, there are several strategies that are effective when you are working on altering your sleep patterns. The following are some important things to keep in mind:

• Plan ahead. Many of us wait until we are tired or have completed everything on our to-do lists before we fall into bed. The problem with this is that we may not realize how tired we are until we fall into bed, and that to-do list may be too long. Plan ahead in the following ways, and you can ensure better chances of the right quality and quantity of sleep.

° Be sure sleep is in your schedule. Set a bedtime, and stick with it as closely as possible.

° Cut out activities where possible, in order to create more time for sleep. (Key 5 has some effective strategies for this.)

° Let others know when you need to go to bed. Set boundaries, and stick with them.

° Cut down on late-afternoon caffeine, as well as late-night exercise and electronics, or at least allow a 1-hour buffer between those activities and the time you would like to fall asleep.

• Adopt relaxing rituals. There are several things you can do to get your body and mind into a more relaxed state, which can facilitate sleep. The following activities can become part of your nighttime routine and can help to relieve stress as well as more easily usher in sleep.

° Take a bath. Nighttime baths can provide a wonderful way to relax. Adding lavender bath oil can be one way to use aromatherapy to your advantage—studies show that lavender scents not only can promote falling sleep, but also can improve quality of sleep. The warm water can relax your muscles, and if you wash your hair at night, you can save yourself time in the morning.

° Create a sleep-friendly environment. Be sure that you cover the basics. Have a cool, comfortable place to sleep; soft, clean sheets help. If you are having trouble with sleep on a regular basis, try to use your bed for sleep only—if you need to read, work, watch television, or perform other tasks, try to do this in another spot so that your subconscious mind connects your bed with sleep and nothing else. If environmental noise bothers you and you cannot avoid it, consider investing in a sound machine that can soothe you to sleep and block out distracting background noise. Let your surroundings support your sleep.

° Exercise (but not too late). I have been warning you against before-bed exercise, but all nighttime exercise isn’t bad! In fact, engaging in physical activity during the day and in the evening and even later—before it gets too late—can actually bring greater relaxation and sleep readiness when it’s time for bed. Again, just be sure you are done at least an hour before you need to fall asleep.

° Journaling. As you will read in greater detail in Key 8, journaling can be a highly effective stress relief tool and can take several different forms. Particularly if you find the thoughts in your head swimming around as you try to relax, letting them out on paper can be an effective way to prepare for sleep. If you are concerned about a problem you face, you might want to take a few minutes to brainstorm solutions on paper before you head off to sleep. And if you are feeling slightly melancholy before bed, a gratitude journal can help. This flexible practice can bring you a high degree of inner peace so you can relax and sleep.

° Meditation. Meditation is another strategy that can facilitate sleep and that you also can learn more about in Key 8. Getting your mind and body into a more relaxed state naturally makes sleep come more easily, and meditation accomplishes both goals beautifully. Especially if you are stressed and busy and have trouble with meditation because you feel there is not enough time, meditation practiced before bedtime may work perfectly.

• See a doctor if difficulties persist. It bears repeating that there are sometimes underlying medical issues that can impede sleep. Be sure to talk to your doctor if you face persistent sleep problems and these techniques do not help. There may be other issues at play.

Key Points about Healthy Habits

Healthy habits are important, but do not always come easily, especially when we are stressed. The following are central pieces of information to remember as you work on maintaining and ingraining healthy habits into your lifestyle. Keep these in mind, and you can keep yourself on the right track for a healthier body and a less stressed mind.

Healthy Habits Take Time to Develop

Practicing healthy habits can feel good the first time we try them, but they take time to become automatic. As I discussed in the Introduction, neural pathways form slowly and over time—just as we strengthen mental habits with repetition, we can strengthen our tendency to participate in lifestyle habits through repetition. Just as traveling to a new job can demand focus and planning the first few times but becomes automatic once we learn the route, lifestyle habits may feel strange at first and require some initial effort, but become virtually second nature if we work them into our routines and practice them continually.

Conventional wisdom has it that it takes roughly 3 weeks to develop a new habit, but the amount of time can vary among individuals, based on how much time and effort is put into preparation and execution, the difficulty of the habit, and several other factors. Change can generally come after a few weeks of regular practice. Whatever the time frame, with practice, we eventually do not have to think about maintaining the new habit; it just feels automatic. This is not to say that the habit will require no effort at all—just as traveling to work still takes some effort—but it will feel like less of an option that you have to push yourself into taking and more like something you just do, a natural part of your life that would be missed if discontinued.

So remember: Get through the first few weeks or months, and the road becomes much easier. This is an important point to keep in mind, because the first few weeks of a new habit are often the most difficult. Knowing that the road becomes smoother after that initial push past inertia can sometimes make the difference between losing momentum and persevering into long-term success. (Read more about maintaining long-term habits in the last chapter of this book, “Creating an Action Plan.”)

Healthy Habits Feed off Each Other

We have discussed how unhealthy habits tend to feed on themselves when we are stressed. (Chronically stressed individuals not only are less likely to maintain healthy habits because they may lack the energy to make the effort, but they also generally find unhealthy habits more tempting simply because the stress that they are under causes them to crave the wrong things.) Fortunately, things work the other way as well—healthy habits tend to make us want to maintain more healthy habits! This is because a change in one area—such as a new exercise program for a previously sedentary individual—can lift the stress that is blocking the way to healthier living in other areas. So if you start exercising more, you may find yourself craving fewer sweets and carbs. And you might find that your mind is clearer than it had been, so that you sleep better at night and get better-quality sleep. You may find that you are more relaxed, more patient, and more forgiving, which can help in your relationships. So keep this in mind: One change makes all the other changes come more easily. What a great incentive to make that first change!

Small Changes Can Make a Big Difference

When we are stressed and living a less-than-healthy existence, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. People often find that they are less motivated to make changes in the areas of health and self-care because there is so much that needs to change that they find themselves getting discouraged and wanting to give up on the effort before they even try. Why try, they reason, when the ultimate outcome will probably be failure?

It is important to realize that baby steps work. Not only does the accumulation of individual steps ultimately lead to a destination, each little step might make the next one easier, especially in the realm of self-care. This is how it works: When we are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, we have less energy to change our habits, and we may be more likely to crave unhealthy activities, as discussed. Just as healthy habits feed into other healthy habits, healthy changes tend to self-perpetuate—taking a brisk walk to reduce stress can lessen the incidence of stress, which in turn can help us to feel less overwhelmed, less physically drained, and more energetic. Then exercise like walking becomes easier and more attractive. Taking a short walk can lead to longer walks, and the habit can build upon itself. (The same is true with healthy eating, getting more and better sleep, and other self-care activities.) So bear in mind: Just getting started with a healthy new habit will make it easier to maintain that habit. Now, don’t you feel more motivated already?

Make One Change at a Time

Learning about the benefits of healthy lifestyle habits can be inspiring. Thinking about all you can gain from changing the way you live can switch from feeling exciting to feeling overwhelming pretty quickly, however, if you try to make too many changes at once. If you try to do this, it can become intimidating to know where to begin. Focus on one area of your lifestyle at a time, for example, getting more sleep, or even one new habit at a time, such as avoiding caffeine after 2:00 P.M. Then you can add new changes from there, letting the momentum of the previous changes work in your favor.

Don’t Give Up!

If you find yourself slipping back into your previous habits, do not give up. Remember from the Introduction that this is part of the process of change (see Stage 5 of the Transtheoretical Model of Change). In fact, you can actually use the experience of backsliding to propel yourself forward toward your goals. Again, the last chapter in this book, “Creating an Action Plan,” is focused primarily on the process of implementing these changes and can help you to put together a complete plan, but this is an important tip that can go a long way in helping you to get to the planning stages.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• When I am stressed, which areas of self-care do I tend to neglect?

• How might inadequate sleep, improper nutrition, or lack of exercise be affecting my stress levels?

• What are the simplest ways in which I can ensure better self-care? What are the most effective?

• Of the techniques discussed in this chapter, which ones seemed to resonate the most with me?

• If I could choose only one area of self-care to work on first, which would I choose because it would make the biggest impact?

Evaluate Your Answers

The answers to the questions above can help you to zero in on the areas of your health that you may be neglecting the most, and the new habits you choose to adopt that will set you on a healthier path. Where you begin with your self-care plans will depend on your answers, and on your goals. What poor habits are impacting you the most? Would you like to begin with action plans that are best for your health, or the ones that are easiest for you to adopt?

Activity to Try: Make an Action List

After answering the questions above, read back through the lists of action steps in this chapter and choose a few that you would like to put into effect in your life, either now or in the near future. Then, based on which ones appeal most to your needs and priorities, choose one or two to focus on first. For more help in maintaining new habits, create your list and see the final chapter of this book, “Creating an Action Plan,” for next steps.

Activity to Try: Make an Exercise List

One of the best ways to ensure that you will begin exercising in the near future is to make a list of exercises you think could be fun. If you are having a difficult time coming up with some, go online and research gyms in your area. Look at the schedules of their exercise classes, and see which classes appeal to you. If you find a gym that appeals enough, consider joining! If classes at the gym aren’t your thing, research adult sports leagues in your area, talk to friends about what they do for exercise, and put your feelers out for more ideas. Don’t stop until you have a list of at least two activities you would enjoy doing for exercise. Then get moving!

KEY 4

GET INTO THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND

Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.

—EPICURUS

We may not always be able to control our circumstances, but we have significant control over our responses to our circumstances. Because our experience of stress is heavily dependent on the way we choose to think about our stressors, we can considerably reduce feelings of stress by cultivating attitudes that support serenity, that focus on the positive, and that help us use our resources. This chapter will focus on strategies for understanding and maintaining such attitudes; such strategies include journaling, practicing optimism, and cultivating gratitude.

One Grade, Two Perspectives

Taylor took a challenging test and received a C–. This was the first test in his first semester of college, yet he made several projections about the future based on this grade. “I’m in over my head here. I didn’t study enough, and obviously I’m not cut out for this class. In fact, I’m probably going to do poorly in most of my classes here! I wonder if I’m even college material. Maybe I should just give up now.”

Francis took the same test and received the same grade. He was a freshman taking his first test, and he, too, made a few projections. “Wow, this is a lower grade than I had expected. I didn’t study enough, and obviously I’ll have to work harder. This is just one test, though, and I’ll do better on the next ones, and I can pull my grade up easily. I’ll do better in my other classes, too. I’m sure everyone bombs a test or two during their first semester. I’m sure this is just a fluke, but I’ll study harder on future tests, just in case.”

The differences in their reactions fall along the lines of typical optimists and pessimists. The way they interpreted the same event differed enormously, and their motivation and resulting behavior were quite different as well. The way optimists minimize their failures and maximize their successes—and the way pessimists do the opposite—has an impact on their stress levels and the degree of success they find in life.

The Importance of Frame of Mind

When many people think about stress management, they think about how to cut down or control the stressors they face in their lives. While there are ways to minimize or reduce the number of stressors (as we will discuss in Key 7), it is not always possible to eliminate all stressors, nor is it desirable (as we learned in Key 1). Often we may find ourselves in situations where we cannot change our circumstances, or at least not right away.

This is why our frame of mind is so important—we can control our responses to our circumstances, even when we cannot control our circumstances. In exerting such control, we can lessen the negative elements of experiencing stress. This one crucial strategy that is available to everyone could be a stress relief plan in itself, and it has been for many people who have had to accept lifestyle factors that are stressful and beyond their control. Let’s look at why.

How Mental Factors Affect Our Experience of Stress

Potential stressors surround us constantly. Some of these stressors affect us more than others, and some of them affect some people more than they affect others. There is a pivotal factor that determines which stressors affect which people and to what degree: perception. The body’s stress response is triggered by perceived threats to our health and safety, and each of us may perceive things somewhat differently. It has long been observed that two people can experience the same situation and react completely differently: One driver may react to a traffic jam with stress and rage, while the driver in the next car may accept the possibility of being late and choose to relax and listen to the radio. Two people may face the same challenge and deadline at work; by the end one may feel overwhelmed and burned out, while the other is invigorated and excited at the project’s completion. It is important to understand how these differences arise and to see how this understanding can be put to good use in keeping us relaxed in the face of potential stressors. It is vital to know, first, that one factor that we all share can make the difference between triggering our stress response and allowing us to remain in a relaxed state. In the following section I describe and elaborate on this factor.

One Pivotal Perception

As we noted in the Introduction, when we face a situation whose demands we believe we cannot meet, we feel stress. This means that in a given situation, if there are requirements that are taxing but we are able to meet them with a moderate amount of effort, we may feel challenged or invigorated. If a situation demands resources or abilities we do not possess, we generally feel stressed, especially if there are heavy consequences from failing to meet these demands. If we are able to meet a challenge we face, we experience it as just that—a challenge. We may feel excited, but we generally do not feel stressed. If we calculate that a challenge we face is beyond what we are able to manage, we may experience that challenge as threatening—to our physical safety, our standing in a community, our ability to meet our financial or relationship needs, or even our very sense of self. This is the main factor that determines whether we experience something as stressful or not: our perception of a situation as a threat or as a challenge. Several personal factors may influence whether a given situation is perceived as threatening or challenging, but when the mind perceives a threat, the body responds with a stress response. The following factors influence whether something is experienced as threatening or challenging.

Inborn Traits

As personality psychology—and virtually any parent of more than one child—can tell you, certain personality characteristics are innate. Psychologists refer to the “Big Five” personality factors as the key features that can be measured practically from birth: openness to new experiences, agreeableness, conscientiousness, extroversion, and neuroticism. Where we stand with these five basic factors can affect how we react to what we experience in a multitude of ways. Someone who is an introvert may feel threatened by giving a presentation, even to a small group of people, when a similar challenge would be experienced as fun by an extrovert. Someone high in conscientiousness may feel stressed by a large and important assignment at work because this individual may gauge that he or she cannot satisfactorily complete the job in the allotted time, whereas someone who is less committed to doing an above-average job may feel less stress. Conversely, the same conscientious person may feel less stress in the long run because he or she has produced better work—this may lead to greater success in life and the resources that come with this, and lead away from the negative consequences that can come from a shoddy job. These factors affect how we behave, and they also affect how we feel and what we perceive; the traits are part of who we are and part of how stressed we feel.

While these five traits are inborn, we do have some control over how strongly we experience them, and to what degree they express themselves in our personality. While someone with a high level of introversion may never become the life of the party, as will someone who has a strong predisposition toward extroversion, psychologists estimate that we can alter our set point for happiness by about 40–50%, and this may be an accurate estimate for these traits as well. With practice, we can shape our natural tendencies to such a point that we will tend to see and react to things differently. We can shape the traits that we were born with.

Available Resources

Because our perception of stress pivots on our estimated ability to meet the demands we face, our beliefs about our resources can greatly influence our experience of stress. I use the words our beliefs about our resources because we often have greater internal and external resources than we believe we possess. These resources—from physical resources such as tools and possessions; to social resources such as friends who are able to lend support; to internal resources such as energy, intelligence, or personal resilience—can help us in many ways, but we need to be aware of them before we can use them. If we have a greater ability to meet a challenge than we believe we do, we will still experience stress, because it is our estimation that we cannot meet this particular challenge. (If we overestimate our resources, this can lead to stress as well, as we may realize too late that we are in over our heads.) Being aware of the personal resources you do and do not possess can help you to accurately appraise your situation and to experience stress only when it is warranted. Strengthening your resources can diminish stress as well. Because we all have our own unique set of resources, we may respond in unique ways to the same potential stressor.

Past Experiences

Early in life, we started learning from our experiences, and these lessons shaped how we think about ourselves and the world around us. The assumptions we made about the world then continue to affect what we think and experience into the present. Those who experience early trauma may be sensitive to certain experiences now, so that related experiences in the present can cause stress that may not be felt by most other people in the same situation. (Conversely, the same person may have developed particular strengths in response to facing the trauma and recovering from it, and these strengths may add an extra dimension of resilience and diminish feelings of stress.) We may have encountered certain challenges in the past that we could not meet, and as a result we may have developed a sense of helplessness that takes over in similar situations we face now. By contrast, we may have developed a sense of self-confidence from early successes that translates into feelings of resourcefulness now. The experiences we have had and, more important, what we have come to believe from these experiences, affect how stressed we feel today.

Habitual Attitudes

As we build on our experiences, we get used to certain thought patterns, and they come to define us. Just as we may find ourselves at home after an end-of-day commute without remembering the specific turns we took because the route has become automatic, we may automatically respond with familiar thought patterns out of habit.

If, for example, we have had early experiences of rejection after an argument with a loved one and decide from this that conflict leads to loss, we may become much more stressed by conflicts than someone who has found that resolving conflict tends to lead to a healthier relationship in the future. A belief that conflict leads to rejection may translate into habitual thought patterns of anger, avoidance, or at least negative reactions when conflict threatens to arise—and all these can bring stress. Seeking out conflict is not necessarily a good idea in many situations, but accepting and working through conflict in a respectful way can be beneficial for relationships, and those who have developed habitual thought patterns that support this may experience not only a greater number of healthy relationships, but also less stress within those relationships.

Examining your habitual thought patterns and challenging them can enable you to choose your responses to the potential stressors you face. While it takes time to change habits—and habits of thought are no different from other lifestyle habits—it is very possible and well worth the effort to do so.

What Thought Patterns Contribute to Stress?

Understanding how thoughts may contribute to stress is an important step, and realizing that it is possible to change these thoughts is another valuable one. However, before we are able to change our thought patterns to better support stress relief, it is crucial to be able to identify the thought patterns that are commonly the most damaging—and the most empowering—so we can make changes that really count. The following thought patterns can have the greatest impact on stress levels.

Pessimism and Optimism

People often think that pessimism is characterized by seeing the glass as half empty and optimism by seeing it as half full, meaning that pessimists will more often notice the negatives in a situation while optimists focus on the positive, sometimes to a fault. This is partially true, but the defining features of optimism and pessimism are a little more complex than that. Your tendency toward pessimism or optimism is linked to your explanatory style, or the way you explain to yourself what you experience. When it comes to explanatory style, optimists and pessimists are opposites. When positive events occur, optimists tend to process these situations within the framework of three main assumptions:

• Optimists credit themselves with everything that goes right in their lives.

• Optimists take one success as evidence that more success is imminent.

• Optimists assume that the effects of their successes will be lasting.

Pessimists tend to be ruled by the opposite:

• Pessimists attribute positive events to chance or other factors outside themselves.

• Pessimists believe that successes in their lives are isolated incidents.

• Pessimists believe that their successes will be short lived.

When it comes to negative events, optimists and pessimists switch places and tend to process these events in opposite ways, with optimists believing them to be short lived, isolated, and caused by factors outside of themselves, while pessimists believe that negative events will have lasting effects, are indicative of more negative events to come, and are somehow the pessimist’s fault.

These very different patterns of perception lie at the root of an optimist’s propensity to see the positive in a situation and a pessimist’s tendency to point out the negative. Optimists believe that they will succeed, so they tend to celebrate their successes, see opportunities everywhere, and trust in their own abilities—all things that lead to a greater belief in personal resources and a reduced experience of stress. Pessimists may sometimes find themselves more prepared (because, seeing potential problems, they are more likely to create backup plans), but they also see fewer opportunities, believe in themselves less, and expect the worst. Pessimists are more stressed for good reason.

While people (especially those prone to pessimism) may guess that optimists are seeing only what they want to see, research backs up the reality that optimists really do have it better. And more interestingly, it’s been found that optimists aren’t happier because they have better lives; rather, they see these benefits because of their optimistic way of seeing the world. Specifically, optimists tend to enjoy better emotional health, increased longevity, greater success in life, and, of course, less stress. One study examined the impact of optimism, as well as positive affect (being in a good mood) and social support, and were able to discern that these factors had an impact on physical health measured at 17% and an impact on psychological health of 33%! This further underscores the importance of positive thinking, happiness, and having supportive people in your life.

Pessimists, on the other hand, not only miss out on the happiness that optimists enjoy, but also experience poorer health, according to several studies. Pessimists tend to have a higher incidence of contracting infectious diseases and have poorer overall health and earlier mortality. They also enjoy less success in life than do their more optimistic counterparts. Pessimistic thinking patterns can be subtle, but it is worth identifying and eliminating them, because this can lead to a much more positive experience in life.

Cognitive Distortions

Because of all of the factors that go into our perceptions of stress—habitual thoughts patterns, past experiences, inborn traits, and more—maintaining true objectivity is extremely difficult, if not impossible. There are specific ways in which people tend to distort what they see around them; these are our brain’s way of protecting our ego, but they can cause stress. Psychologist Aaron T. Beck identified this phenomenon and coined the term cognitive distortions. These distortions can help us momentarily avoid the emotional pain of viewing ourselves as responsible for less-than-perfect circumstances or of noticing disappointing events that are happening to us, but the distortions leave us feeling hopeless, victimized, angry, and stressed. Most of us have a tendency toward a few of these, and becoming more aware of them can help us recognize them when we are using them, and start to make changes in how we think. The following are common cognitive distortions and examples of each:

• All-or-nothing thinking. Using extremes in thought, with no gray area. “It’s not just a bad day, it’s the worst day ever.”

• Overgeneralization. Taking isolated events and assuming that all future events will be the same. “It’s not just one frustrating day, this always happens.”

• Mental filter. Glossing over the positive. “It’s not a few negative things happening, it’s a whole day of nothing but bad experiences.”

• Disqualifying the positive. Treating positive events as flukes and giving more weight to the negative. “There is no ‘bright side’ because nothing good could come out of this.”

• Jumping to conclusions. Deciding what to believe and then looking for evidence to support assumptions, rather than letting the evidence lead to a logical conclusion. “Because a few things went wrong, everything else will go wrong, too, and somebody must have wanted this to happen on purpose.”

• Magnification and minimization. Blowing things out of proportion or failing to assign events the significance they deserve. “This is the end of the world,” or “It’s nothing.”

• Emotional reasoning. Taking emotions as facts. “I’m feeling angry with you, therefore you must be wrong.”

• Should statements. Living by a rigid set of rules and believing that others need to live by these inflexible rules as well. “They should know what I want without my having to ask.”

• Labeling and mislabeling. Placing negative, often inaccurate labels on oneself and others. “You’re just a whiner.”

• Personalization. Blaming oneself or others for events that are outside one’s control. “You ruined my day.”

Cognitive distortions can lead to greater stress in several ways: They promote conflict in relationships, keep us feeling bad (notice how many of the examples above are associated with a pessimistic explanatory style), and keep us focused on what we cannot control instead of what we can. Becoming more aware of cognitive distortions that creep into your life can help you loosen their hold, feel more empowered, and experience less stress.

Rumination

Have you ever been upset about something and just could not get it out of your head? What begins as an attempt to find a solution to a problem can slide into rumination, whereby people obsess over stressful, negative situations, playing and replaying them in their heads, but without finding solutions. Rumination is actually a combination of reflection and brooding; reflection on a problem can lead to a solution, but brooding is associated with greater levels of stress and a more negative mood. This kind of thinking can be quite stressful, as it exacerbates feelings of helplessness, frustration, and hurt. Aside from being associated with a more negative and stressed frame of mind, fruitless rumination is linked to less proactive behavior (being stuck in a negative situation), self-sabotaging behaviors (such as binge eating), and even health issues such as hypertension. If you find yourself trapped in a state of rumination, it is most certainly affecting your stress levels and quite possibly your health.

An Important Caveat

It would be stating a fallacy to claim that all stress is entirely a matter of perception. Certain experiences are perceived as stressful when they demand from us more than we are able to give. Situations that are uncontrollable, that require abilities we do not possess, or that keep us overloaded for long periods of time tend to take a physical and psychological toll regardless of our perceptions. This has been documented by research and is important to point out because often people who understand the role of mindset may feel that they are failing in their positive-thinking strategies or related methods if they find themselves feeling any effects of stress at all. It is critical to remember that practicing these techniques and getting into the right frame of mind for stress relief can have a significant impact on our experience of stress, but the effects of stress may not be entirely eliminated through this one key strategy alone. If you feel a reduction in stress but your experience of stress is not entirely eliminated right away, continue to celebrate your progress and do not give up. When we use strategies to change our mindset, we generally feel less stressed, and this reduction in stress can free up energy to enact other changes that you will read about in this book. While this strategy alone may not erase all stress, it still presents a powerful way to relieve stress, and, alone or with other stress relievers, it can make the difference between healthy and unhealthy levels of stress.

Key Points to Remember

To sum up the important factors to remember when it comes to thinking styles and their impact on stress, the following are critical points to keep in mind:

• We can control our responses to circumstances, even when the circumstances themselves are beyond our control. In doing so, we can greatly lessen our negative experience of stress.

• Whether or not our stress response is triggered depends on whether we perceive a situation as a potential threat to our physical, emotional, or psychological safety.

• Not everyone experiences potential stressors the same way; we do not all find the same things universally stressful.

• Our perception of stress can be unique depending on inborn traits, available resources, past experiences, and habitual thought patterns, each of which can influence how we react and how stressed we feel in different situations.

• Certain thought patterns, particularly pessimism, cognitive distortions, and rumination, can be damaging to your peace of mind, and even your health.

• Some situations, even when not perceived as “stressful,” take a toll. While changing your thought patterns does not eliminate all stress (and no strategy can do this entirely), it can produce significant positive changes in your outlook and experience, which can lead to other positive changes.

Activities to Try

Because it is possible (and advisable) to examine our own thought processes and change the habitual thinking patterns that create stress in our lives, there is plenty of reason for optimism. Simply becoming aware of how such factors as pessimism, rumination, cognitive distortions, and other thinking patterns affect your life is the first step toward loosening their negative effects on you. Once you become aware of how these ways of thinking can color your experience, you may begin to automatically notice and challenge them. However, if you take your awareness to the next level through action, you reduce the likelihood that you will gradually forget what you have learned and remain in the same patterns of thought and behavior. The thought-changing exercises below can cement your learning, translate into lasting changes, and have a strong impact on your stress levels.

Thought Stopping

Now that you may be aware of a few thought patterns that you want to change, it is important to remember that it is possible to alter these patterns of thinking that may feel automatic. It will, however, take time and some effort. As we think in a similar way repeatedly, the brain becomes accustomed to following this familiar path, just as we may drive home from work every day without giving much thought to which turns to take—it feels automatic. An important step in changing your undesirable habitual thought patterns is to learn to catch yourself and stop when you find that you are traveling down this well-worn path. Thought-stopping exercises can help you to become more aware of what you are thinking and stop yourself from continuing with these thoughts. The following thought-stopping exercises can help you to substitute pessimistic thinking patterns for optimistic ones, shift ruminative thinking to more present-focused thoughts, or disrupt other ingrained thinking patterns that you would like to stop.

Rubber Band Snap

The rubber-band-snap technique is an old technique designed to pair a negative stimulus—the minor pain you feel when you are stung by a rubber band snapping against your skin—with your unwanted thoughts, so that in time, those thoughts carry a negative association and you are motivated to avoid them. The strategy is simple:

1. Wear a rubber band on your wrist.

2. When you find yourself indulging in a thought pattern that you would like to avoid, pull the rubber band away from your skin and let it snap back and sting you.

3. Repeat as necessary.

The rubber-band-snap technique allows you to control the intensity of the negative feeling you feel and acts as both a reminder (seeing the rubber band on your wrist can remind you of your goals), and a deterrent (constant band snaps will becoming annoying at best and may even cause minor pain). This technique has helped many people give up a multitude of negative habits over the years. After a short time, you likely won’t need this technique anymore.

“Stop” Thinking

If you are more visually oriented, are opposed to discomfort, or simply don’t want to be seen wearing a rubber band on your wrist, this similar technique may be more appropriate for you. Visualize a stop sign in your mind—the more detailed, the better. You may use a standard traffic sign, or you may imagine a sign of your own with bright words, a red hand, or anything else that means stop for you. As you find yourself engaging in one of the thought patterns you are hoping to eliminate, envision this image as soon as you catch yourself, and change your focus. This technique is more powerful than merely catching yourself and switching your focus, because you are creating a stronger and more memorable stimulus to connect with the habit you are trying to drop. This may more effectively help you to shift your focus as well, as it will no doubt be a quite different thought from the one you were thinking.

Take a Deep Breath

A few generations ago, it became popular for people to count to 10 when they felt overwhelmed or angry, as a way to collect themselves and shift their focus. This strategy was popular then and is still useful today because it works. However, taking deep breaths for a count of 10 can have the same effect and elicit the positive benefits of relaxation breathing, without the attention-provoking behavior of counting aloud. Deep breathing can relax the body and oxygenate the blood, clear the mind, and even reverse the body’s stress response. Here are some tips to remember:

• As you breathe, relax your shoulders and breathe from your diaphragm. Your shoulders should stay where they are—not moving up and down with each breath—and your belly should expand and contract as you breathe.

• To regulate the speed of your breathing, mentally count to 3 on the inhale, and 5 on the exhale. This lengthens your breaths naturally and shifts your focus inward.

• When you feel your mind clearing after a few seconds, choose a thinking pattern that you would prefer to make habitual.

• Pair these mini-breathing sessions with longer meditation and breathing sessions, and you will gain more robust benefits, as your body will remember the relaxed state you experience in those longer sessions and return to this state more quickly and easily.

That’s it. It is as easy as it sounds; you just have to remember to do it.

Journaling

Writing in a journal (or typing your thoughts on your keyboard) can bring some fantastic benefits. Journaling has been associated with decreased symptoms of asthma, arthritis, and several other health conditions. It has also been linked with improved cognitive functioning, decreased depressive symptoms, increased immunity, and reduced levels of stress. Journaling has been recommended by therapists, health practitioners, and coaches as a route to stress relief and inner change. The following journaling techniques can be quite helpful for getting into the right frame of mind, as well as for general stress relief.

Emotional-Processing Journal

Journals that are meant for the processing of emotions can supply an outlet for venting negative feelings and can be a forum for processing emotions and brainstorming solutions. The exploration questions in this chapter could be successfully processed through this type of journaling. The following are some tips for maintaining an emotional-processing journal:

• Don’t feel obligated to write every day, but do so if it works easily for you. If you set journaling goals for yourself that you can’t maintain, it becomes tempting to give up the practice.

• Write about your positive and negative feelings, but be sure to also spend time focused on finding solutions. Studies show that this is the most beneficial strategy for this type of journaling, and it can help you to avoid falling into a pattern of rumination.

• Write about what you feel and why you feel it. If this starts to bring up experiences that are more intense than you believe you can deal with alone, you may want to explore these emotions with the support of a therapist.

Gratitude Journal

While gratitude journals have always been around, they have become much more popular in the past 2 decades and have even been the focus of research in the fields of positive psychology and health psychology. Studies show not only that gratitude journals can increase levels of happiness, but also that this type of journaling can even lift the symptoms of depression. The benefits are found to be greatest when you do the following:

• Write about three things each day. Write about what they are and why you appreciate them. They could be events that happened, actions you took, or people in your life.

• Write about your feelings surrounding these things.

• Write at the end of the day, if possible, reflecting on what has happened on that particular day. This works well because it encourages you to think throughout the day about what you are grateful for and can include in your journal, and it helps you to get into a good frame of mind before you fall asleep.

Mindfulness

Meditation has long been popular in the Eastern world, and it is now gaining traction worldwide as an effective route to stress relief. Now that the field of health psychology is yielding solid research that prove the effectiveness of meditation and mindfulness practices, therapists, coaches, and doctors are recommending these activities for patients and clients who need to learn to relieve stress. Aside from the purely physical benefits of slowed breathing and a relaxed body, the psychological benefits delivered by a peaceful, present-focused mind have been proved many times over. The following mindfulness exercises can help you to learn to clear your mind of negative, ruminative thoughts. With practice, obtaining a clear mind becomes automatic.

Mini-meditation

Mini-meditation works in much the same way as the breathing exercise mentioned earlier in this section and for similar reasons. While meditation has been shown to produce the greatest benefit when performed in sessions of 20 minutes or longer, 5-minute and even shorter meditations can clear the mind and can allow practitioners who meditate fairly frequently to quickly get back into a familiar place of inner peace. Mini-meditation can be practiced in a few simple steps:

1. Breathe deeply and slowly, relaxing your shoulders and expanding and contracting your belly with each breath. (For more detailed instructions on this, see the earlier section on breathing exercises.)

2. Clear your mind of all thoughts as you focus on your breathing.

3. As thoughts drift into your mind, gently redirect your focus back to your breathing.

One important point to remember, especially if you have a tendency for perfectionism, is that it is natural for thoughts to drift into your mind; this happens even with those who have been practicing for many years. When this happens, it does not mean you have failed in your practice. The idea is to gently redirect your attention as it happens. If you find yourself feeling bad, try to instead congratulate yourself for noticing that your mind has wandered, as you shift your focus back to your breathing.

Thought-Stopping Exercise

This meditation practice is similar to mini-meditation and, like mini-meditation, may be practiced for a few minutes, or it can be practiced for an hour or more. The main difference with this meditation is that there is slightly more engagement with the thoughts that may drift into your mind. Many people who find it difficult to let go of their thoughts enjoy this exercise, because the thoughts are briefly addressed before being set aside. This exercise also provides practice in detaching from thinking patterns and experiencing them more as an observer might, rather than becoming immersed in them or even fully engaged. This skill can help you to detach from negative thought patterns throughout your daily life. Here is how it works:

1. Go to a quiet place, get into a comfortable position, and fall into a deep, relaxed breathing pattern.

2. Focus on your breathing and remain in the present moment.

3. As thoughts drift into your mind, briefly label them—judgment, worry, question, or whatever type of thought it is. You may even stay with the singular label thinking.

4. Repeat, and continue your meditation for as long as you wish or until the alarm goes off, if you have set one.

This practice can help you to feel less invested in your thoughts and to become more aware that your thoughts can be controlled by you.

Chocolate Meditation

This popular practice is often taught in 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) courses, which are proved to lessen the severity of stress and a multitude of other health-related issues, including anxiety disorders, depression, relationship issues, sleep problems, eating disorders, and more. The chocolate meditation is also popular because it is delicious. (Don’t worry, the benefits of a small amount of dark chocolate outweigh the detriments for most people.) The following are some quick tips on how to practice chocolate meditation:

1. Hold a small piece of dark chocolate between your thumb and forefinger.

2. Take it in with all your senses. Smell it. Experience how it feels pressed against your fingers: Is it soft, cool, starting to melt? Study the color and texture, and really notice how it looks and how your hand looks holding it. Spend as much time as possible noticing the details.

3. As you raise the chocolate to your mouth, experience how your arm feels as it bends, how your clothing feels rubbing against your skin (if you are wearing sleeves) or how your skin feels (if you are not) as you bend your arm. Experience the feel of the chocolate as it touches your mouth.

4. As you begin to eat the chocolate, take a tiny bite first, and let the chocolate melt in your mouth.

5. Continue to experience this slowly, with this level of focus on the present, until the small piece of chocolate is gone.

This is a brief exercise designed to help you to experience the benefits and practice of a novel type of mindfulness meditation, derived from MBSR. In an MBSR class, the event of enjoying chocolate meditation may be more thorough and effective, but practicing it yourself can be useful in relieving stress. Practice this type of meditation daily, and you will find it easier to clear your mind of negative thoughts and focus on the present moment.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Think of the last success you had in your life, or one that stands out particularly clearly in your mind. On a piece of paper, describe what you said to yourself to explain how you achieved this success. What factors contributed to your success, and how did this success influence your expectations for the future? When you are finished, read over the description and pay close attention to how you attribute your success to the relevant factors, referencing what you know now about explanatory style.

° Do you lean toward optimism or pessimism?

° If you lean toward pessimism, what are some realistic ways in which you might change your focus to make it more optimistic?

° What is one important idea to remember when you meet your next success?

• Complete the preceding exercise, but instead of writing about a success, write about a time when you experienced disappointment with something you attempted.

° According to the guidelines of explanatory style, would you classify your reaction as optimistic or pessimistic?

° If you lean toward pessimism, how might you realistically change your self-talk to ease up on yourself and take a more optimistic view?

° What one salient point would help you to remain more optimistic in the face of future setbacks?

• When you find yourself falling short of your goals, or encountering a frustration or disappointment in life, do you tend to take what you can and learn from the experience, and then move forward? Or do you find yourself reacting with one of the following responses (or another, similar response): putting the experience out of your mind without really thinking about it and moving forward as though it didn’t happen, beating yourself up over the “failure” and backing away from future challenges, blaming others and getting angry? Think of specific times in your life that you have encountered situations like these, and reflect on how you handled these experiences.

° Has your response changed over the years? If so, how?

° Would you like your response to change? If so, in what way?

° What key idea can you keep in mind to encourage yourself to handle these disappointments in the healthiest way possible for you?

Evaluate Your Answers

Simply asking yourself these questions and exploring your answers can help you make progress toward changing your thought patterns, through raising your own awareness of where you are now and where you would like to go. Think carefully about each question, and ponder what your answers are telling you about yourself. Which areas of thinking would you like to change? When you identify where you are in your process and where you would like to go, see if you can identify the most pressing thought habit that you would like to change, based on how you would like to be thinking in the future. Then practice one or two of the activities listed in this chapter, and work your way to a more positive, less stressed frame of mind. In time, these new thought habits will become automatic.

KEY 5

CUT DOWN ON STRESSORS WHEN POSSIBLE

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

—SOCRATES

We can’t remove all stress from our lives (and, frankly, we wouldn’t want to), but we can remove a significant amount of it by identifying our chronic stressors and eliminating them wherever possible. While other chapters have covered strategies for coping with stressors that cannot be eliminated, this chapter will help you to identify areas of your life where you can eliminate or reduce chronic stress triggers and create action plans for enacting these changes in a realistic way.

Pecked to Death by Ducks!

Danielle liked that she was everyone’s go-to person. She ran a successful business, had children, and held positions of leadership in several groups in her spare time. If people needed to get something done, they could go to Danielle, because she was efficient and loved taking on projects. She also felt overwhelmed at times, when all her commitments needed her attention at once. Sometimes she felt invigorated by her many activities, as when, for example, she was working on completing a project she really enjoyed. Other times, she thought of herself as “being pecked to death by ducks”—when she had many different people needing “just one small thing” from her at once or when she noticed a few too many things in her life that needed a minor amount of attention. All these small responsibilities had a way of adding up to a heavy load. Everyone has a limit; when Danielle started experiencing heart palpitations, she didn’t recognize the chance that she was approaching hers. When she had her first panic attack, she had to reexamine her lifestyle.

After talking to her doctor and learning that stress was a factor in her case, she started taking a closer look at her life and her choices. In the process of examining her life, she realized that she pushed herself harder than was necessary or healthy. As part of finding a healthier balance, Danielle learned to examine her body’s signs that she was getting in over her head, and she learned to make changes before she felt overwhelmed and experienced physical sensations that led to panic attacks. She also discovered that she had many responsibilities that were not beneficial to her and only drained her energy. Armed with a new understanding of where her “ducks” were hiding, she took the initiative to cull the clutter of her life and put a stop to the unnecessary “pecks.” This took some energy at first, but she found that she was much less stressed once she did some cleanup. Now Danielle still has a full, busy life, but her schedule is filled to a manageable level, and she enjoys it without the undue stress.

Why It’s Important to Cut Down on All Stressors

Volumes have been written on the importance of remaining unstressed regardless of circumstances, on the concept that a great deal of stress lies in our perceptions, and on the fact that we always have choices to make and options to take. (I explored this truth in Key 4.) However, these elements are only part of the equation. While internal shifts are powerful and can go far in helping us to relieve stress, it is important to remember that cutting out stressors whenever possible is also a valid and important stress management strategy.

When we think about cutting out the things that cause us stress, we often focus on the biggies: the job that causes us endless frustration, the marriage that makes us feel trapped, or the financial straits that keep us up at night. These things are important to tackle, but they often don’t come with easy answers or quick solutions; often we need to work toward amenable solutions with such challenges and move forward in specific steps and phases. Quitting a job may be done in an e-mail that takes 5 minutes to write, or a marriage can end with the words “I don’t—anymore,” but the fallout from such choices (fallout such as the often difficult search for a new job or the process of divorce and emotional healing) means that stress relief doesn’t come in the same short time frame.

Stop Sweating the Small Stuff

Another way to relieve stress—one that is considered less often but can bring more immediate results—is to cut out the small stressors that add up to feelings of chronic stress. These are those little things that we are able to endure but that take a toll on our peace of mind: the annoying friend who can’t take a hint, the messy desk that seems to swallow up important papers, the weekly commitment we always seem to dread.

Life coaches call these things tolerations because, as the name suggests, we simply tolerate them. We may not even pay attention to their presence in our lives, but we feel it. A common focus in coaching is to identify and eliminate tolerations and to work toward keeping them from creeping in and taking over. We all have tolerations in our lives, and they do take a toll.

The Toll of Tolerations

Tolerations aren’t overwhelming in themselves, but they can push us over the edge, taking us from feeling serene to irritated or from stressed to overwhelmed. And as I described in previous chapters, when we are operating from a place of feeling more stressed, things tend to snowball.

Eliminating these small stressors doesn’t always seem worth it when we think about how much more stress we could eliminate by cutting out our larger sources of stress. This is why most of us just let the small stressors continue on as unquestioned parts of our lives. However, they are not as harmless as we may think or as forgettable as we would hope, and they are worthy of the relatively small effort it takes to eliminate them, given the overall toll they can take when they add up. Here are a few specific ways in which we sabotage ourselves by letting these nagging little energy drains remain in our lives.

We Have a Finite Amount of Energy

Just as we have only so many hours in a day, we have a limited amount of energy to spend during those hours. When we allow ourselves to focus on small things that aren’t vital to our lives—especially when those things are experienced as physically or emotionally draining—we are making choices. We may not realize that our expending what seems a minor amount of time and energy in one area of life means that we have that much less time and energy for something else that may be more important. (We may even reason that we’ll make time for or push ourselves to do both things, but this may be at the expense of our peace of mind or precious downtime, which also should be considered important.)

If Crisis Strikes, You Need a Margin of Error

You may need extra time and energy for life’s unexpected hiccups—a surprise trip to the dentist, an unexpected empty tank of gas—as well as for major crises such as serious illnesses and car accidents. If you are working to maximum capacity with a high number of obligations that each carry a low level of importance, you will have a harder time rising to the occasion.

You Want to Operate from Your Least Stressed Place

Because we respond differently when we are operating from a place of stress, these little things can add up to a big difference in our behavior and reactions. Are they worth the state of episodic or chronic stress they can push us into? What about the mistakes we make when we’re not at our best? The relationships we strain when we snap at our loved ones? The enjoyment of life we miss because we are feeling stressed instead of excited by new challenges? This is something to seriously consider.

Even with Healthy Mental Coping, Stress Takes a Toll

We have covered strategies for altering our thoughts and perceptions so that we do not feel unnecessarily stressed. This doesn’t mean, however, that we should not do whatever we can to cut down on the stressors we face. There is evidence that even with the best mental coping strategies, situations that require action from us—situations that are generally regarded as stressful—can still exact a physical toll, even if we do not perceive them as distressing. There is no need to take a risk with the negative effects of stress. If you are not getting a strong payoff from the things in your life that keep you busy and drain your energy, those things should be eliminated. Period.

How to Manage: Cutting Out Stressors

You may already be very clear about the sources of your stress from the activities discussed in Key 1. If you have a list of identified stressors to address, you are ahead of the game! Here are some strategies that can address many of the common, low- to medium-grade stressors we face. Some of the more stressful situations we face in life may require particular responses that are best addressed by resources specifically geared to them (financial planning resources help with pressing money issues; books on health issues assist in dealing with the stress that comes with a serious medical condition), but most of the midlevel stressors that leave us feeling “pecked to death by ducks” can be addressed by using the advice below.

Set Boundaries with Co-workers and Friends

Do you have co-workers who take up your time with conversations that don’t interest you, and do they seem to read body language poorly? Do they push their work off onto you or eat the food you keep in the office refrigerator, or are they generally difficult to be around? Setting boundaries at work is key. In setting boundaries, you simply are clear about what you are willing to do and not do (I touch on boundaries in greater detail in Key 6). Rather than relying on body language to communicate that you would rather not be engaged in conversation, why not politely excuse yourself? Let your co-workers know when they have crossed the line with you. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in. You can be polite, and still simply avoid them as much as possible, and cut out the stress they bring as a result. This may not be an issue for everyone, but for those of us who are stressed by situations like these, giving ourselves permission to just say no can be quite liberating.

Engage in Stress Management at Lunch

If you feel stressed at work, why not give yourself a midday boost with a regular stress management ritual? Take a brisk walk, meditate, drink tea, and reflect on the things in your life for which you are grateful. If boredom, lethargy, or low-grade stressors plague you at work, giving yourself a pick-me-up can be just the thing to combat them.

Maintain an Orderly Environment

One of the most common tolerations coaches hear about is the messy office desk. Whether you work in a cubicle, a home office, or a corner suite, a disorganized desk can make your job more difficult and sap your time and energy. Taking an hour or 2 to create a system that works well can give you an energy boost and make your job run more smoothly. Decorating and organizing the rest of your office can help as well, since clutter can be a low-grade stressor.

Learn Time Management

Create a system that works. A to-do list can be written in a computer program, stored on a phone, tweeted to yourself, or scrawled on a piece of paper the old-fashioned way. Maintaining a running list, as well as keeping things on a calendar, are important tasks to begin, if you are not already doing so. It is also a good idea to plan ahead, allow yourself more time than you think you need to complete tasks, leave your house earlier than you think you need to, and otherwise organize your time so that you are not dealing with the stress of constantly rushing. This is easier said than done for those of us who are not naturally organized with our time, but it is a skill that can be learned, and it can bring far-reaching stress relief benefits as you find yourself no longer stressing over the clock.

Ask for What You Need

At work, and in all relationships, it helps to be up front and clear about your needs. If you have found yourself becoming upset in the past when someone has not met your needs, think back to how you asked for your needs to be met. Did you ask? Were you clear? Some of us tend to let our own needs come last, feeling that we do not want to inconvenience others, and we end up feeling the effects of too much stress as a result. Others often want to help, but they don’t know how if we do not tell them. So whether you need a quiet space in which to work or you need to feel more heard in your relationships, actually asking for those needs to be met is one of the surest ways to make it happen.

Have a Simple System

In virtually all areas of life, it helps to plan ahead. And these plans need not be complicated. In fact, finding the simplest route from A to B can help to cut out all types of stress. For example, when you are running errands, you tend to hit the places you need to visit in a logical order based on location, right? This principle can be applied to many other areas of life, from meal planning (one night’s roasted chicken can become the next night’s chicken soup) to seeing friends (why not save time and plan a get-together rather than meeting everyone individually?) to planning a stress management routine (exercise can meet fitness goals as well as stress management goals!) and you can save time and energy in the process. While not all of these streamlined approaches will appeal, this type of thinking can yield new ideas that can cut out unnecessary stress more often than not.

Be Proactive

If something in your environment is causing you stress, you may be in the habit of trying to ignore it and just get through the day. You may find yourself reacting mostly to things that scream the loudest and demand your attention the most. Consider taking a little time each week to address one or two things before they demand attention, before they cause so much stress that you can no longer ignore them. In the long run, you will save energy, and you will be able to take the time when it is convenient for you, not when you are facing a small crisis and you have no choice.

Activity to Try: Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No

It can be difficult to say no to requests around the office and in other areas of life. We want to be helpful, and we might be concerned about letting others down. Letting ourselves become overly stressed because we have overcommitted ourselves, however, causes everyone stress in the long run, as we may be less than enthusiastic and wind up doing a halfhearted job. Becoming adept at saying no is an important skill for stress management. The following hints will help you learn to say no.

• The first step to saying no, as with drawing boundaries in other ways, is to become clear with yourself that it is okay to do this, and that you really want to say no to this particular obligation. (If you are not sure, vividly imagine yourself at your most stressed, and ask yourself if it is worth the risk of returning to this state.)

• If you really want to say no, just do it. You do not owe the other person an explanation—although in some instances it is a good idea to offer one. (An explanation softens the blow, but with someone who is pushy, it can also represent an opportunity for argument.)

• If you are dealing with someone who does not respect boundaries, no explanation is necessary, and it is preferable not to give one.

• Release yourself from guilt by reminding yourself what you are saying yes to with this no.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What areas of my life are causing the most stress?

• If I could wave a wand and eliminate three daily stressors, what would I choose to cut out?

• How many stressors could I eliminate in an afternoon?

• Which stressors do I deal with on a daily basis that are unnecessary?

Evaluate Your Answers

The questions above can help you get started in the process of cutting stressors out of your life. First, noticing the most taxing stressors you face can provide you with an area of focus and a jumping-off point. Imagining them as simply gone, without focusing on the obstacles that stand in the way of making that happen, can often be enough to help you move into the frame of mind to find new possibilities. Use the answers to these questions to guide yourself through the process of identifying stressors to eliminate. Then use the following process to move through the next steps, and cut stressors from your life.

Activity to Try: Cut Out Tolerations

1. Make a list of all your tolerations. Identify the ones that cause the most stress, the ones that would be easiest to fix, and the ones that would bring the biggest long-term payoff. Then choose one to tackle, according to whether you want the biggest payoff or the quickest results, for example.

2. Mark your calendar—plan one stressor to eliminate each week.

3. Create a more organized space for yourself. First, cull the clutter. (You can do this in a series of evenings or in one sweeping effort over a weekend.) Then organize what you have left. Finally, reward yourself with a fresh coat of paint, some scented candles, or other inexpensive and appealing decorations.

4. Choose one obligation in your life right now that you are ready to give up.

5. Plan what enjoyable activity you would like to put in its place.

6. If you find yourself thinking that you don’t have time to replace the obligation you just eliminated with something fun—you have too many other obligations to deal with—take this as a signal that you need to cut out at least one more obligation, if at all possible. Keep working at it until you have created space for at least one activity that is relaxing and enjoyable.

KEY 6

CULTIVATE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

—SWEDISH PROVERB

From the first gentle caresses from a loving mother to the last warm hand that ideally encases ours before we take our last breath, the ways in which others touch our lives can have a wonderful, soothing impact. Supportive relationships have been found to promote not only stress relief, but also physical health and longevity. This chapter will focus on the benefits of healthy relationships and the toll of conflict and will provide tools for fostering a healthy social life. It can help you to improve the relationships that mean the most to you and to let go of the ones that are bringing you down.

People We Know

Most of us know at least one person who takes the wind out of our sails. While we all have our own idea of what is annoying, people who are critical, unfriendly, judgmental, and prone to complaining tend to fit most people’s definition of toxic. They are the people who will be the first to criticize your ideas and the last to offer praise. They have a certain tone of voice or look in their eye that lets you know in an instant that you are somehow failing to measure up to an imagined standard of adequacy. You know in your gut who these people are in your life: Are you looking forward to seeing them? Does any part of you dread the thought of encountering them? Are you so used to them that you are fine seeing them, but you know what their reactions to you will be, and they make you uncomfortable? People like this can drain your energy over time and can introduce subtle, steady amounts of stress into your life.

Most of us also know at least one person who shines brightly in our lives (if we’re lucky). This type of person is there for you when you need a pep talk, celebrates with you when you want a high five, and is someone around whom you can completely be yourself. If you were facing a crisis, he or she is someone you know you could count on, and someone you would always want to be there for, as well. Such people are good for our health and our happiness and are perhaps some of the best stress relievers of all.

Why Relationships Matter

We may find ourselves pushed to achieve at work and school and spend whatever leftover time and energy we have on our relationships, but with the benefits that healthy relationships bring, they should be highly prioritized in our lives. Michael Frisch, a researcher who studies happiness and emotional well-being, has called healthy relationships the “holy grail of happiness,” and for good reason. They add support, enjoyment, and meaning to our lives, as well as other benefits, as described below.

Healthy Relationships Are Associated with Better Health

Numerous studies have provided solid evidence that healthy relationships are good for us, not only emotionally, but also physically. People in happy relationships experience a host of advantages, including enhanced immune functioning, lower emotional reactivity, a decreased incidence of emotional health issues, and increased longevity. Those who have rich social lives tend to live longer, stay healthier, stress less, and enjoy life more.

The central point here is that relationships need to be healthy, or at least reasonably so. Relationships that are emotionally toxic, or that bring more negatives than positives, can be more detrimental to us than most other types of stressors. Therefore, it’s important to be proactive in managing our social lives and maintaining balance. The contrast is stark: Healthy relationships deliver enhanced health, increased longevity, greater levels of happiness and well-being, and reduced levels of stress, while toxic relationships engender stress and can negatively affect our health.

How Toxic Relationships Bring Greater Stress Than Other Stressors

Certain stressors affect us more than others. The perception of threats to your safety, such as from the sound of someone attempting to break into your house, can trigger your stress response and produce a stronger response than can a mere buildup of annoyances during a long day at work. Relationship difficulties tend to hit us harder than many other problems because in many ways we need other people for our own safety. We may be able to physically survive with relatively few connections these days, but remember that our stress response was designed for a distant time when physical threats loomed everywhere and being excluded from the group meant you didn’t have the safety of the pack to protect you. Your body responds to the type of threats that might leave you out in the cold. In fact, we need human connection to survive and thrive. Just as babies who are not cuddled and cared for adequately can suffer from failure to thrive, we are less physically healthy as adults when we have fewer supportive relationships. And when relationships tear away at our self-esteem, the effects of this can absolutely be sensed and can be experienced as toxic. Such relationships tend to activate the stress response more often, and the consequences of this affect the body and the mind.

Developing Relationship Skills

Before we kick out of our lives all imperfect friends and loved ones (and wouldn’t that include just about everyone?), we would be well advised to recognize that it is more effective to focus on making our existing relationships healthier. While we can’t change other people, we can alter how we behave in our relationships, and often that’s enough to make a profound difference in the entire dynamic. Changing our part in what family therapists call the “dance”—the interplay of expected roles and reactions—creates room for new ways of being with each other. Rather than withdrawing from relationships, manipulating others, or engaging in less healthy self-protective behaviors that ultimately cause more stress than they relieve, focusing on developing relationship skills can help you to refurbish the relationships you have that need a little fixing up.

Here are some simple changes you can make to reshape relationship dynamics in a positive way. Whether you are in a relationship that drains and stresses you and are wondering if you can save it, or whether your relationship is good and you just want it to achieve its greatest potential, the following skills can benefit you. These skills can help you to create relationship dynamics that are more supportive and respectful of both parties, and they can benefit you as well as those you love.

Setting Boundaries

When we hear about setting boundaries, we usually think of ways to keep people at arm’s length. This is an effective function of boundary setting: If we feel that our rights are being infringed on, rather than cutting the offending parties out of our lives, we can simply set boundaries, so these individuals can take a certain amount of liberty with us but no more. In setting personal boundaries, we decide how close we’d like others to get to us—how much sharing we would like, how much we are willing to give, how much we would like to take—and communicate that to the other person in a respectful way. This often involves enforcing a desired amount of space and respect in our relationships.

Boundary setting, however, can also foster closeness. It’s not all about pushing people away. When we set boundaries with others, we actually allow them to become closer to us than we may have otherwise allowed, because we know that there is a line—that they can get close to us without going too far. Without healthy boundaries, people tend to either let others get too close, and then push them way back, or cut people off entirely. (Ironically, a cut-off relationship is not considered one with healthy boundaries, because there is no closeness to begin with; boundaries suggest that people can get close, but not too close, not that they cannot get close at all.)

What constitutes healthy boundaries? Different people have different comfort levels when it comes to boundaries, so boundary setting necessarily requires participation from all people in the relationship. Some people are more comfortable with closeness than others, and as long as this works for them, this is healthy. If people set boundaries that continually cause them stress because the boundaries are too lax or rigid (they either allow too much contact or keep people at too far a distance), the boundary-setting patterns may be an issue. But a friend who likes to have close boundaries and has healthy, fulfilling relationships with others who have close boundaries can be considered to have “healthy boundaries.” Likewise, someone who prefers more distance can also have boundaries that are considered healthy as long as they let people close enough that their relationships are strong and survive.

Activity to Try: How to Set Boundaries

The process of setting boundaries can help strengthen your relationships and relieve some of the stress within them. Here are some tips that can help you with this process:

• Know where your boundaries lie. There are a few different ways to set boundaries with people, and the important first step with each of them is the same: Become clear with yourself about where your boundaries lie. If you do not know where you stand, you cannot effectively communicate this to others, no matter what techniques you use. This aspect can be challenging in itself because you may not know where you want to draw the line (and others may sense that, which may be why they are overstepping your boundaries in the first place). Examine how you feel, and what you would like to allow, and decide where your boundaries lie.

• Communicate this clearly and firmly. Now that you know what to say, the how becomes easier. That said, it is important to be up front and clear when you let people know. State what you need and expect with kindness, but also with confidence. Your statement should not sound like an accusation, a question, or a dirty secret. You are entitled to your boundaries, and it helps others to know what they are, so you are being a good friend by communicating.

• Back yourself up. If your boundaries are not being respected, take action. This does not need to be angry, punitive action; you simply need to get yourself out of a situation in which you are putting up with something you said you would not be willing to do. For example, if you are scheduled to meet a friend for lunch and you have agreed on a time, that is establishing a boundary—you will be there at a specific time. If you friend does not show up and does not call after a respectable waiting period, it is okay to call and say that you will not wait indefinitely, or you can even leave after a certain amount of time if your friend cannot be reached. You can reschedule, and make it clear that you can wait only a certain amount of time the next time as well. This frees you from waiting indefinitely, without your having to take more drastic measures such as cutting off the relationship or never agreeing to meet this friend again.

How to Manage: Work on Communication Skills

Healthy communication involves effective listening, as well as ways of speaking that make it easy for the other person to clearly understand what you are both thinking and feeling. Effective communication involves both parties, but by learning communication skills that you can use, you lessen the burden on the other person. With these techniques, you can make it easy for the person if he or she wants to hear you and understand, and avoid unintentionally contributing to any conflict that may already exist. The following are some communication strategies to keep in mind as you navigate discussions that could potentially turn to conflict.

Using Messages

It becomes easy to sound as though you are making accusations against someone when you are both upset. “You really made me angry”; “You were so inconsiderate.” Statements tend to want to escape our lips starting with “You, you, you!” This is a simple shift, but resolving not to begin sentences with you, and instead starting with I, can soften your statements and take out the sting. Better still, following up with the word feel can really help you express yourself without blaming the other person for your experience. This moves the point of the conversation from accusations, which can automatically bring out defensiveness in the other person, to an explanation of your personal experience, which is more likely to invite understanding. Taking things a step further, the following structure can make things even more clear, while keeping communication from becoming combative: “When you [whatever behavior you observed], I feel [whatever emotions you are feeling].” This lets the person know exactly what it was that upset you and exactly how you felt as a result. This helps you avoid other communication pitfalls such as interpreting the person’s motives and applying negative labels and allows you to focus simply on the behavior and the feelings, which lets a more emotionally neutral discussion ensue.

Listen, Then Speak

It may feel unfair that you have to be the one to listen first, but what is often the case in typical arguments is that both parties are simply seeking to be heard. Both of you may be merely mentally crafting what you are going to say next, rather than truly listening to one another. You may both be simply waiting for a chance to speak, and forgetting to listen. By listening first, and asking for clarification until you are sure you understand, you are showing the other person respect and demonstrating how the person may show you the same courtesy. Even more important, you are gathering important information that can alter what you say next. (Conflicts can be resolved so much more easily when both sides understand one another!) By seeking first to understand, then to be understood, you are increasing the likelihood that you will both be heard.

Cool Down If Necessary

As you may remember from Key 2, when the body’s stress response is triggered, it becomes more difficult to think calmly, rationally, and clearly. This can make it difficult to communicate in a healthy way. If you are a little upset, talking things out and coming to a place of mutual understanding will likely help you both to feel better. However, at a certain point, it becomes counterproductive to attempt to resolve a conflict if you, or both of you, are so “triggered” that coming to a place of understanding is just not feasible. At this point, it helps to take a break and cool off. Rather than storming off, try to calmly affirm that this is an important issue to discuss, and you would like to go over it when you can both be more calm. Then decide on a time when you will come together and talk again. In the meantime, try your best stress relief techniques, so you can come back to the discussion from a more centered place.

Let Go of the Need to “Win”

Some people pride themselves on never losing an argument. If this is a goal of yours, it’s time to reevaluate. Rather than thinking of communication in terms of winning and losing, bear in mind that the real goal is for mutual understanding to occur. New solutions can be explored, and compromises can be reached. But if you are bent on winning the argument, the relationship loses.

Be Respectful

Perhaps the most important point to remember is that the other person should be given respect. This means avoiding sarcasm, mocking comments, personal attacks, stonewalling (refusing to respond), or other manipulative tactics designed to increase personal power or make the other person uncomfortable. Remember that you care about this person and you want both of you to be happy. Then try to come to a place of mutual understanding. If you have that intention in mind, many of the other details become just that—details.

Activity to Try: Cultivate Empathy

Sometimes the key to letting go of anger when you face conflict, and the key to understanding the other person, is empathy. When you can more easily grasp what the other person is feeling, it becomes easier to understand that person’s actions. And it becomes more difficult to remain angry. Cultivating empathy is easier than it may seem. Empathy eases the path to forgiveness and can enhance altruism. Because forgiveness and altruism are linked to enhanced wellness and reduced stress, deepening your capacity for empathy brings added benefits.

Your capacity for empathy is partially inborn and is partially shaped by your experiences and habitual thought patterns, but you can work to deepen your capacity for this important skill in the following ways:

• Actively seek to understand what others are feeling and why, not simply what they are saying. Then work toward being able to guess more accurately.

• Think of a time when you felt what the other person is feeling now. Vividly remember what it was like, and think of how you would have liked others to respond to you.

• Think of all that this person brings to you, and how much you would miss the person if he or she were not in your life.

• Practice loving kindness meditation (mentioned in Key 8). This can deepen your capacity for compassion and kindness toward others.

How to Manage: Cutting Out Toxic Relationships

One of my favorite quotations—from an unknown author—is this: “At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.” (This quotation has also resonated with many of my readers and has garnered quite a bit of positive feedback when I have shared it online.) I believe that it strikes a chord because it gives us permission to let go of relationships that are toxic, even if love is still present. While we can continue to love and respect others, they are not always a good fit for what we are trying to maintain in our lives. Simply put, certain relationships cannot be saved by even the greatest efforts at improvement, particularly if only one party puts in the effort. (Even if both parties are making an effort, sometimes we simply want different things, and these things conflict with one another’s pursuit of peace.)

When to Let Go

How can you tell when a relationship is worth saving and when it is better left in the past? There are no hard-and-fast rules. However, if you find that a particular relationship seems to add more negatives than positives to your life, and you can’t see a clear or viable solution, you may want to consider letting go. Obviously, if a relationship is abusive, it is best if you let go and move on. But what about relationships that make us feel bad more often than they make us feel good, but the thought of losing them creates stress? The following types of relationships can be toxic, but the decision to either hang on or cut ties can be a difficult one:

• The relative who constantly makes belittling comments, but who is not around except on certain holidays.

• The gossipy friend whose brand of friendship chips away at our self-esteem, but who can be fun.

• The boyfriend or girlfriend who is volatile or critical, but who can also be supportive and committed.

The relationships with each of these individuals bring something negative to the table, but aren’t an easy fix for various reasons. Cutting a family member out of your life can create consequences in your other relationships, and severing ties with a relative you barely see isn’t always worth the upheaval it may cause. Friends who aren’t overtly toxic and bring positive experiences to your life may be missed. Having someone who loves you and offers support may seem to be something to invest in, particularly if you are someone who has not had positive experiences with previous romantic relationships. We need to look at the big picture and the balance of positives and negatives that someone offers before we decide to unilaterally sever ties.

A good first line of defense is boundary setting. Healthy communication can also breathe new life into a less-than-thriving relationship. If other measures are taken and a particular relationship makes you feel bad more often than it makes you feel good, you may want to look at the cost of cutting ties. If it seems worth the fallout, this may be one of those instances where letting go is necessary. Particularly if you believe that you are dealing with someone who is resistant to change and inflexible, even after the person is made aware that some of his or her behaviors are hurtful to you, the relationship may be worth reexamining. Relationships with narcissists and sociopaths, for example, tend to cause much more heartache than the relationships are worth, and usually the best way of managing these relationships is to let them go.

How to Let Go

Letting go gracefully can be difficult, particularly if you have mixed feelings about whether it is a good idea to sever ties. Having a respectful conversation about why the relationship is not working may be wise, if you are dealing with someone with whom you can have a respectful conversation. If the relationship is a friendship rather than a romantic association, it may be more feasible and practical to simply become “too busy” to get together as much as before, and let the relationship peter out. Another option, one that would be effective with a closer relationship, is to explain what it is about the relationship that is not working for you and (without coming from a place of being punitive) let the person know what changes would need to occur before you could pick up the relationship again in the future. The ideal with letting go is to do so with minimal drama, as the point of letting go of toxic relationships is to relieve stress. Creating an even more toxic situation, with a new enemy, is something to avoid.

How to Manage: Focus on Healthy, Supportive Relationships

Focusing your time and attention on healthy existing relationships, and creating new ones as well, can be a healthy new focus for your emotional well-being. Whether you are doing so as part of an emotional recovery from a toxic relationship or simply because it is a good idea, renewing your focus on those who make you feel good inside, and returning those good feelings as best you can, is worth your time and energy. Here are some things to keep in mind when building a healthier social circle.

Meet New People

Do not shy away from adding to your social circle. The next person you meet could potentially be an important person in your life. Do not overlook new opportunities. You may seek out new friends.

Be Equitable

Be sure to give back as much as you take from your relationships. You may not have the exact same attributes to offer, but be sure that you are not doing a disproportionate amount of giving or taking, or resentments can grow and sap the relationship of its positive energy.

Stay Positive

In finding the balance between positive and negative in our relationships, an equal amount of each is, in fact, not the best we can hope for. An equal number of positive and negative interactions is actually detrimental—for our relationships to be considered positive, supportive, and beneficial overall, we need a much higher number of positive experiences than negative ones.

A few experts on relationships have come up with their own recommended ratios of positive to negative interactions, but probably the most popularly cited ratio comes from relationship researcher John Gottman, who has studied couples and their interactions and can predict (with more than 90% accuracy) which couples will stay married and which will divorce in the near future, based on observing a few key aspects of their communication styles. (I will explore that in a minute.) This important researcher has discovered quite a bit about what makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy, and one of his findings is that a relationship requires no fewer than five positive interactions for every single negative one, in order to feel pleasing to both parties. This means that for every time you ask your partner to please stop doing something annoying, you need to point out five things about that person that you appreciate. For every fight, you need to have at least five times where you enjoy (not merely tolerate) each other’s company. For every time you make each other feel unhappy, you need at least five times where you have made each other feel fantastic, in order to maintain a positive balance. (Although this research was conducted on couples, I would apply this rule to friendships as well.) For some relationships, this comes quite easily; for others it can be a struggle.

Face Issues When They Arise

Knowing the importance of positive interactions (and the damaging effects of negative ones), it can be tempting to brush problems into the back corners of your awareness and avoid confrontation when things are bothering you. Perhaps paradoxically, this is not a great idea, either. When we attempt to avoid conflict by avoiding discussions, we risk actually perpetuating the conflict by failing to resolve the underlying issues that are leading to conflict in the first place. Keeping in mind the communication strategies I discussed earlier in this chapter, here are a few more techniques for navigating relationships in general.

Don’t Force Your Agenda

We all want to be heard, and mutual understanding is vital for a healthy relationship. It is also natural to want to get what you want out of the relationship. However, if you find yourself pushing hard to get what you want at the expense of the other person’s needs, this can weaken your relationships. This seems an obvious point, but we can sometimes do this without fully realizing it. We may tell ourselves that it’s for the other person’s own good, that if the person understood the situation better, he or she would want what we want, that if the person did ultimately agree, he or she obviously didn’t object to the pressure that much.

The problem with pushing your agenda is that if you do it too often, and at the expense of the other person, the relationship eventually suffers. Have you had feedback in your relationships suggesting that you could stand to listen more? That you seem to need to control things a little too much or that people don’t always feel heard when they are with you? If you hear this once or twice or from just one person, it may be a fluke. If you hear it somewhat regularly, it is something to explore. (When you are being completely honest with yourself, what does your gut tell you?) Try to aim for win-win situations and compromise whenever possible. When that isn’t possible, see if you can take turns in who gets to have the first choice in outcomes. This can help to keep things equitable and keep everyone feeling respected.

Avoid Contempt Like the Relationship Killer It Is

One of the most telling findings that John Gottman found in his studies on relationships (remember the psychologist who studied the patterns of couples’ arguments and could predict which unions were destined to dissolve?) is that contempt is a strong sign of impending doom. Contempt is evident when one or both partners show clear disdain for the other person—there is not just disagreement with the partner’s ideas, but disapproval of the partner as a person. It goes deeper than a mere argument and cuts at the core of who the other person is. If you find yourself treating with contempt people with whom you disagree, this has to stop.

Organize Girls’ Nights, Game Nights, and Date Nights

One of the best ways to enhance the social support you have in your life is to work on maintaining the relationships you already have with friends and family. We may think of them often or stay in contact via social media, but seeing them in person and creating new memories is important as well. Getting together with others is something we should all be doing on a regular basis. We may do this when we are younger and have fewer responsibilities, but it is a healthy idea to continue the practice throughout our lives. In fact, it is during those times when we have greater responsibilities and greater stressors that we need our relationships for increased support. Organizing a monthly or weekly night to get together with friends creates the perfect venue for relaxation, bonding, and blowing off steam from the stresses of the week. Having a regular date night with your significant other can add another layer of strength to your relationship and can stave off stress that may result if your bond weakens because of a lack of time spent together merely having fun. And maintaining this regular habit ensures that it will actually happen on a regular basis—it can get you past the inertia of not wanting to plan anything or of having busy schedules. This may all be easier than you think. Here are a few simple ways to make it happen:

• Have a standing invitation for friends to come over for games and drinks—or whatever you find to be fun. If you ask people to bring food, drinks, games, or whatever you will be sharing, all you need to do is make your house somewhat clean.

• Have a standing weekly or monthly night when you all get together, and have everyone take turns planning what you’ll do. This ensures that the work of planning is evenly distributed, and everyone gets to have his or her first choice of activity at least once every few times.

• Arrange for a sitter at regular intervals, and allow yourselves as a couple to be spontaneous in what you plan for the night.

Get Involved in Groups

Maintaining our current relationships is important, and so is the act of making new friends. The obvious benefit to joining an established group is that you can meet many new people who share at least one of your interests or beliefs. Studies show, for example, that people who are involved in a religious community enjoy superior health and longevity and at least some of these benefits accrue from their involvement in the group: They gain social support, involvement in activities, and a sense of belonging. Membership in other groups can also bring feelings of belonging, introduce you to potential new friends or romantic partners, and provide you with social opportunities that you may enjoy. An added bonus: You may be involved in planning, but you will probably be able to join already planned events rather than having the responsibility of planning your own. By reaching out to new people, and maintaining healthy ties with those already in your life, you can create a truly supportive social circle that involves less stress.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Which relationships in my life give me the most comfort? The most stress?

• What changes can I make that could reduce some of the stress in my social life?

• What are my best habits in communicating? What are my worst?

• Do I give about as much as I take in my relationships?

• What one person causes me the most stress, and what is it about him or her that is stressful?

• What one person brings me the most happiness, and what is it about him or her that I appreciate?

• If I could change three things about my social life, what would they be?

• Am I generally happy in my relationships?

Evaluate Your Answers

After your reading about relationship skills and dynamics, the answers that come from these questions may take on new significance. Noticing the habits that contribute to your relationships in a positive and negative way can help you to identify new ways of relating that can serve you. Identifying people who cause you the most stress and bring you the greatest comfort can help you to decide if you need to change where you place your attention. Look at your level of happiness in your relationships. If it is not what you’d like it to be, you now have more tools to make changes that will enhance your relationships and life satisfaction, and reduce stress. Identify at least one change you would like to make, and see where that takes you.

KEY 7

PUT POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY INTO ACTION

One joy scatters a hundred griefs.

—CHINESE PROVERB

It’s difficult to feel stress and joy at the same time. One strategy for minimizing stress is to maximize feelings of happiness and meaning in life. The field of positive psychology moves beyond mere positive thinking and has identified research-backed strategies for creating a more enjoyable lifestyle as well as maintaining a happier and more relaxed frame of mind. This chapter will explain some of the main concepts and techniques that have been identified as delivering the greatest benefits in this area. You’ll learn how to experience flow, enjoy pleasures, and engage in gratifications throughout the week and discover how to create a life that is not conducive to stress.

The Hunt for Happiness

Sophie wanted to feel happier, so she worked hard to attain things that she thought would bring happiness: She threw herself into a career that gave her a nice income, and she met each goal she set for herself professionally. However, she always seemed to slip back into feeling dissatisfied with life a few weeks after she reached her goals; she discovered that they didn’t bring lasting happiness. She also found that when she bought herself nice things, she was happier for a short while, but then the happiness went away, and she couldn’t understand why. She felt that something was missing in her personal life, so she turned to online dating to find love, but as she came home disappointed from date after date, unable to find someone who wanted the same things she wanted, she wondered what, ultimately, would bring the happiness she sought. One night, she realized that most of her journal entries were complaints about things that weren’t going well in life or were about disappointments she was facing, and she knew she needed a change. She wasn’t sure what she could do differently to feel more joy from day to day and to make her happiness last, but the hunt for happiness was bringing considerable stress!

When we talked about research in positive psychology, she found some answers. We discussed why certain things bring fleeting happiness and other things create happiness that is longer lasting and why both types of life ingredients are valuable. We focused on activities that would cause a more positive overall mood so that Sophie didn’t have to rely primarily on events outside of herself in order to be happy. Understanding what would bring more lasting happiness, as well as different types of positive feelings, helped her to feel that she had a road map in life and could know which direction would lead her to the type of life satisfaction she craved. After only a few days of focusing on different things suggested by positive psychology research, Sophie felt much happier, and her new levels of happiness remained in the weeks and months that followed.

Positive Psychology: Why It Matters

Positive psychology is a branch of psychology that studies what makes us resilient, or as Martin Seligman, the originator of positive psychology, put it, it is “the study of what makes life worth living.” As president of the American Psychological Association in the year 2000, he set out to forge a new focus to illuminate solutions from the perspective of what contributes to wellness, resiliency, and happiness. In doing so, he provided us with a wealth of new answers for important questions on happiness and life satisfaction. He created a new paradigm from which we can approach our lives.

This relatively new field centers on studying what makes us healthy and happy, rather than looking at factors that contribute to pathology and disease. This is an important distinction that provides a unique and valuable perspective on how to live and what our goals should be. Traditional psychological models have focused on factors that create stress or lead to a stressful experience, so we know what to try to avoid in our lives. Positive psychology, on the other hand, focuses on what factors are common among people who are thriving, and it gives us insight into which traits and lifestyle features we may want to adopt in order to thrive even more and which specific behaviors will get us to that healthier place.

Is Positive Psychology Just About Looking on the Bright Side?

While positive psychology involves techniques for developing a greater sense of optimism, such as focusing on the areas of life for which we are grateful and concentrating on our strengths and increasingly using them in the course of our lives, there is more to this field and its techniques than a mere shift in perspective. Positive psychology shows us what activities and lifestyle features are more likely to bring happiness and meaning into our lives and in this way work to drive out unnecessary stress. The activities recommended by practitioners in the field of positive psychology tend to operate on an internal level as well as an external one. Positive psychology practices include specific changes that involve adding certain features to one’s lifestyle—gratifications and pleasures, for example—and eliminating elements that impede happiness on a consistent basis. So positive psychology can bring a greater feeling of optimism, but this comes from more than just a shift in perspective. These techniques can work well not only by cutting down feelings of stress but also by adding positive feelings, which can make us more resilient to stress in our lives.

How to Manage: Popular Positive Psychology Interventions

The field of positive psychology has yielded several promising strategies that have been proved to promote our experience of happiness. These activities can be used by just about anyone and can help relieve stress, enhance meaning in life, and deepen our positive experiences. They tend to be enjoyable to practice as well, so adding one or several of these experiences to your life can be enjoyable and effective.

Pleasures

Pleasures are exactly what they sound like—things that bring us pleasure. They can be things we buy, things we eat, or things we do. Here is a list of common pleasures:

• Things to buy

° Clothes

° Books

° Games

° Toys (yes, adults can still play with toys!)

° Collectibles

• Things to do

° Movies

° Walks outside

° Parties

° Vacations

° Nights out

• Food

° Favorite meals

° Desserts

° Chocolate

° Drinks

° Snacks

• Experiences

° A warm bath

° A massage

° A day off

° A thrill ride

° A concert or favorite playlist

• The absence of something we don’t enjoy

° A day off

° Hiring a housekeeper

° Eating out (instead of cooking)

Activity to Try: List of Pleasures

What are some of your favorite pleasures? Take a moment to think about what you enjoy the most. Then make a list of as many of them as you can think of. This list may include some of the ideas above, as well as some of the things you have enjoyed at different times in your life. Include as many as you can think of, and you’ll be able to draw from this list when you need a pick-me-up.

The Benefits of Pleasures

These enjoyable experiences bring a temporary lift to your mood and can bring additional benefits because of this. Psychologist Barbara Frederickson initiated a significant body of research that studies the effects of positive emotions (which can come from the experience of pleasures), and discovered that there are many benefits. Her work centers around what is known as broaden-and-build theory, which maintains that positive emotions have a beneficial function for the survival of our species as a whole. This acclaimed theory holds that positive emotions broaden our existing intellectual, physical, and social resources, building up reserves we can use for coping with threats we may face in life. Indeed, when we are in a positive mood, our relationships do run more smoothly, which is quite beneficial for coping. Here are a few of the benefits that have been discovered:

• Improved cognitive functioning. Those who are in the throes of positive emotions have been found to have a broader attention span, greater working memory, increased verbal fluency, and a greater openness to information. All these advantages can improve performance on the job and in relationships, which can bring yet further benefits.

• Quicker recovery from anxiety. One study demonstrated that those who got an emotional lift (from watching a short, happy film of a puppy playing with a flower or waves crashing on the beach) tended to recover from an episode of anxiety more quickly. (Specifically, their heart rates returned to normal levels sooner than those of people who saw films that produced feelings of sadness.)

• Greater physical health. Those who tend to be happier also tend to be healthier. Many studies have shown a correlation between happiness or overall life satisfaction and health measures such as absence of disease and increased longevity. Even maintaining a lower reactivity to stress (which seems to be linked to positive emotion) is associated with greater levels of wellness. Because positive emotions are an easy route to happiness, pleasures are worth including in your life.

How Pleasures Work—and Stop Working

Pleasures work by giving us a quick emotional lift. They work quickly and can pertain to our senses—they bring a pleasing taste, sound, or feel—or can appeal to our emotions and memories. They work quickly to bring a little joy to our lives, but their benefits also fade quickly. And they fade in two different ways.

The first way in which pleasures are fleeting is that they may bring a quick mood boost, but they generally do not create lasting happiness. The positive feelings that they bring can be prolonged (and we will discuss how to do this in a minute), but they generally bring some quick positive feelings. For deeper, more lasting happiness, they work better in combination with other strategies.

The second way pleasures have fading effects is that the same pleasure loses its strength rather quickly upon repetition. The fifth time you ride a roller coaster, the experience will not be as intensely exciting as it was the first time. A day at the beach isn’t as amazing if you’ve gone the previous day. The third bite of chocolate will not be as deeply delicious as the first, no matter how good the chocolate. This means that you can’t use the same few pleasures over and over again and expect the same effects, and you should be careful not to “overdose” on them in a single session, either. You do not need a full chocolate bar or a week at the beach to get a good dose of pleasure from the experience.

How to Manage: Prolong the Effectiveness of Pleasures

There are a few tricks to getting the most out of our pleasures. While the joy they bring may be fleeting, there are a few ways to stretch out those good feelings. Consider the following:

• Use the power of anticipation to your advantage. When we look forward to exciting things in our future, we get to enjoy them before they happen. Have you ever found that your whole morning was more fun because you knew you would get to take the second half of the day off? Or do you find that your excitement begins on the first few days before a vacation? You can find this type of anticipation with pleasures, too. To maximize the benefits of anticipation, try to plan some of your pleasures in advance, rather than finding them spontaneously every time, and you will maximize your enjoyment. Knowing that you have a treat waiting for you in the afternoon, for example, can make your lunch hour more fun.

• Savor the experience while you are enjoying it. You can turn virtually any experience of pleasure into a practice of mindfulness (see Key 4 for more on how to do this), and in doing so, maximize your enjoyment of it. Positive psychology has found that the act of savoring experiences is an important, effective way to increase our joy in life. Particularly for those who are prone to rumination, savoring experiences by noticing every detail as they unfold, remaining in the present moment, and capturing a vivid memory of the experience can be ways not only to enjoy life more, but also to teach ourselves how to more effectively let go of the negative and hold on to the positive.

• Remember these good times. Whether formally cataloging your positive experiences in a gratitude journal (a highly recommended practice—see Key 8 for more on this) or simply looking back on them as you go through your day, actively enjoying our memories is another way to get the most out of our pleasures in life. In fact, one study found that recounting happy memories brings not only prolonged feelings of happiness, but also decreased sensations of pain. Specifically, researchers asked participants to recall their happiest day and relive it in their memory for 8 minutes, 3 days in a row. At the end of the session, and when measured again 4 weeks later, those who relived happy memories scored higher on measures of well-being. Specifically, it was found, these participants showed increased long-term positive affect (they had lasting positive emotions) and decreased pain. What’s more, they scored higher on measures of personal growth and overall wellness than did subjects who wrote analytically about their experiences. If you find yourself dwelling on things that make you unhappy, or if you find yourself engulfed in stress, you can take a quick mental break from negative feelings by recounting your happy memories of the pleasures in life.

Activity to Try: Work More Pleasures into Your Life

The key to using pleasures to boost your mood is variety. Because their effectiveness diminishes over time, the same pleasures will not carry the same benefits if you experience them repeatedly, as mentioned earlier. (At least these pleasures will not bring the same type of benefits—rituals are something else, which we will discuss more in a minute.) There are many ways to add pleasures to your life without sapping them of their effectiveness, however, and there are many ways to introduce these little treats into your daily life. The following are some effective ways to work pleasures into your week:

• If you are new to the concept of pleasures, and it feels like work to come up with a collection of them to add to your day, start with just one. Enjoy one new food, one new activity, one new experience, or one small treat for yourself. This one pleasure you allow yourself can brighten your whole day as you anticipate it, savor it, and remember it.

• Some people really like the idea of adding pleasures to each day, but have trouble coming up with variety. (I could think of only different types of chocolate to have each day at first; this is great if your goal is to add pleasures and pounds to your lifestyle, but not as helpful if you want to stay physically fit.) If this sounds like you, you can add at least one type of pleasure to each day—a new kind of food, a new activity, a new small purchase, a new experience, and so on. This makes it easier to create variety.

• Enjoy your pleasures on a “rotation,” whereby you change them regularly, but cycle through a collection of them. This way, you can maintain a sense of novelty, but you do not have to constantly come up with new ideas. This is a nice strategy for those who enjoy routine.

• Swap ideas with friends. Ask others what their favorite treats to themselves are. This can also become a bonding experience, as it can help you to feel more connected to another person when you enjoy what he or she enjoys, and it gives you something to talk about later.

• Look at your schedule and think about the times when you generally feel a little more tired, frustrated, or stressed. Then see what type of pleasure might fit into that space. For example, if you find that midafternoon your enthusiasm for life wears a little thin, remind yourself to take a quiet tea break or walk outside. Or if you find yourself running errands at that time, you may want to create a playlist of songs that always make you feel good or buy an audiobook you know you’ll enjoy and let yourself get a little more enjoyment while on the run.

• Plan ahead and create a list of pleasures you can choose from when you feel you need a pick-me-up. (There is a worksheet coming up for you to use, or you can create a list on your computer or mobile device, so you can always have your list with you.)

• Create rituals. One exception I have found to the pleasures-lose-their-strength-over-time rule is the use of pleasure-based rituals. Enjoying the same type of tea each day as I write is an example. I may not appreciate each daily sip of Vanilla Rooibos tea as much as I loved it the first time I tried it, but I enjoy it each day, more than I would if I didn’t have it as part of my routine, and about as much as I enjoyed it the day before. Having a special place to sit and enjoy my work is another example. When I climb into my familiar chair, the fond memories of other productive days mixes with my experience of this one, and I find that I enjoy it more than I would enjoy working in any other spot. That pleasures do not bring the same intensity of experience time after time is true; however, they can still bring joy when incorporated into a ritual or routine. Just don’t forget to also cycle in new pleasures, to keep things fresh.

Gratifications

Gratifications are another gift from positive psychology that can help us to relieve stress and enhance our enjoyment of life. When incorporated with care, gratifications can add extra meaning to our lives, help mitigate the stress we may feel from a boring job or a grueling schedule, and provide the type of fun that makes time fly.

Gratifications and Flow

Gratifications are activities that employ our special skills and talents. They provide the type of eustress that can make life more exhilarating and enhance our self-esteem. When we engage in gratifications, we experience a state of “flow” in which we lose our sense of time and become less self-conscious. The concept of flow was first popularized by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who discovered that certain activities that challenge us in just the right ways can bring a feeling of total absorption. We slip into this near-meditative state when we engage in activities that include just the right level of challenge—activities that are not necessarily easy, but are engaging and enjoyable. When we experience this state of flow, we lose track of time and self-consciousness, and we feel less stressed when we are finished.

Gratifications are activities that incorporate flow. Many people organize their lives specifically to include these activities, and those who do not would be wise to try it. Gratifications can help with stress relief in a few ways:

• When we engage in gratifications, we can experience that sense of flow that leads to total absorption in what is going on around us. This can lead us to feel less stressed about what we are experiencing in life. Losing awareness of our stressors can help with issues such as anxiety and rumination and can help interrupt a cycle of stress that can result from too many stressors occurring with no breaks in between. Gratifications can provide the downtime that we need, to afford us a break from the stressors in our lives.

• Gratifications can build our self-confidence and an awareness of our own strengths. Because stress can result when we feel that we are not up to the challenges we face, this boost of can-do can extend beyond the activities we are engaging in and remind us that we may be more capable and powerful than we realize. Simply put, persistent stress can erode confidence in our own abilities; gratifications can help to bring that confidence back.

• Gratifications can give us a boost of positive emotion that can help move us through the day. They can give us reasons to be excited about getting out of bed in the morning. This can counteract feelings of exhaustion we may experience when we are under too much stress.

Key Differences between Gratifications and Pleasures

While both gratifications and pleasures can bring feelings of happiness, make life more enjoyable, and help to relieve stress, there are some key differences. Gratifications and pleasures are not interchangeable, and they both can be used for different purposes. Ideally, because they can both enhance our lives, we can incorporate a mix of them into our lifestyles. Here are some important differences between gratifications and pleasures:

• Gratifications require more effort, and bring a higher payoff. While it is easy to buy an ice cream cone to give yourself an emotional lift, it takes more effort to complete a karate class to develop skills and get an aerobic “high.” However, the positive feelings and other benefits of the karate class (or other gratifications) will generally last longer than the emotional boost that comes with pleasures like dessert.

• The benefits of gratifications increase over time, while pleasures lose their strength over time. This is one of the most important benefits of gratifications, so it bears emphasis: gratifications can become more enjoyable as we continue to enjoy them! For example, you might get as much (or more!) enjoyment from the final stroke of a painting as you would when you put that first streak of color on the canvas; the final kick in a kickboxing class may come with a wave of positive feelings that may not have been present when you first dragged yourself to class and started moving.

• The benefits of gratifications increase with repetition. As you develop the skills that are involved in gratifications, you tend to enjoy these activities more, rather than getting less excited with them over time. This means that a longstanding meditation habit does not lose its luster; your fondness for the habit will likely deepen with each month of practice. The same is true for hobbies like knitting or wood carving; as you get better at them, you can grow to enjoy them more than you did when you were a novice. Jobs that require skills can bring the same joys; this is why some people love what they do and don’t want to retire at a specific age. Gratifications can bring meaning to our lives because they come to be increasingly important to us, and they become more tied to our identities and self-esteem.

What Are Common Gratifications?

Gratifications can take many forms. Perhaps even more than pleasures, they are highly personalized in the appeal that they hold; one person’s gratification may be another person’s tedious task, depending on natural talents, skills, and tastes. The following are a list of common gratifications that appeal to many people. They can provide you with inspiration and the right frame of mind to come up with your own list of gratifications that are targeted to your own personal make-up. See what appeals here:

• Gardening

• Crafting

• Woodworking

• Learning a new language

• Playing music

• Completing crossword or Sudoku puzzles

• Writing (short stories, books, poetry, or even personal letters)

• Martial arts

• Cooking and baking

• Computer programming

• Drawing, painting, and other art endeavors

• Games of strategy

• Meditation

• Hobbies not listed here

• Jobs that play to our strengths

How to Manage: Work More Gratifications into Your Life

Creating a lifestyle that includes a mix of several gratifications is ideal for stress relief. However, even adding one regularly practiced gratification can help quite a bit. The following are different areas of life that can include gratifications, and some potential ways to introduce these activities into your existing lifestyle:

• At work. Ideally, we should all work in careers that require our own unique mix of talents and that challenge us in just the right way to feel inspired and vital, but not so much that we feel overwhelmed. If you do not have such a job, gratifications can help in a few different ways.

° On the job. If there are any ways to work in new responsibilities at work that use your special skills, it would be worth doing what you can do to make that happen. Interestingly, even if it increases your overall workload, adding some tasks that engage and challenge you in a way that you enjoy can feel less stressful than having slightly fewer tasks that all feel mundane or overly taxing. If you can trade some tasks that feel overly difficult for a few that you would experience as gratifications, the way you feel at work could shift in a significantly more positive way.

° Off the job. If you cannot alter the types of responsibilities you have at work, you can still gain from engaging in gratifications outside of work. Engaging in stimulating activities outside of work hours can alter the way you feel overall, and these benefits can seep into your job performance. This can potentially alter for the better your confidence level at work and perhaps even provide you with extra enjoyment of the challenges you face there; instead of seeing certain tasks as difficult enough to feel threatening, you may be able to approach them in a more relaxed way and see them as challenges. (See Key 4 for more on how this helps with stress.)

• At home. During your off hours, you have more time and freedom to play with gratifications in your life. You can add hobbies to the mix, even if you need to cut out other activities in order to make time for them. Given all the benefits of gratifications, you can see why such a move would be worth the effort.

• Gratifications with friends. There are many gratifications that can be satisfying as group activities, whether we enjoy them internally or as part of being among others. Games that require interaction—whether in the form of physical sports or intellectual strategy games—can move a group of people into a state of flow. Knitting in a group can be an enjoyable way to engage in this gratification. Making gratifications a group activity brings a few benefits:

° Sharing an enjoyable activity creates a social bond.

° If you engage in gratifications as part of a group, you may be more likely to continue with it, as seeing friends may pull you into making this activity more of a priority.

° The idea of not wanting to cancel on friends and let the group down by your absence might also push you to continue. Remember, many of the benefits of gratifications strengthen over time, so it can be helpful to have these outside factors to encourage you to persist with the habit.

Gratitude

Cultivating feelings of gratitude has been shown to have a very positive impact on health and happiness. Studies find that cultivating a sense of gratitude can help you to maintain a more positive mood in your daily life. Increasing your levels of gratitude is one of the simpler ways to increase emotional well-being and resilience to stress and can also bring higher overall satisfaction in life and a greater sense of happiness. This can contribute to enhanced emotional well-being and can also improve your relationships. Those with greater levels of gratitude tend to have stronger relationships, because they appreciate their loved ones more. That appreciation is felt, and the people in their lives tend to do more to earn this gratitude. In addition, those who feel gratitude tend to sleep better and enjoy improved health.

Activities to Try: Cultivate Gratitude

You can enhance the feelings of gratitude you experience in simple ways. The following techniques have been shown to create a tangible shift in the amount of gratitude you experience. See what works best for you:

• Gratitude journal. Maintaining a gratitude journal can be so enjoyable that many people find themselves looking forward all day to their journaling time, and this inspires them to notice more and more things in their lives for which they are grateful. There are a few different ways that a gratitude journal can be maintained:

° It can be a long list of items that are appreciated each day.

° It can be a declaration of one or two things that are appreciated, announced via social media.

° It can be one thing written about in great detail in your journal.

° As mentioned in Key 4, the gratitude journaling technique that has been found to be most helpful is writing about exactly three items at the end of each day. It is a manageable number, and it provides just enough space for really experiencing gratitude without feeling overwhelmed by the amount of writing involved.

• Gratitude letter. A favorite gratitude-enhancing technique from the field of positive psychology is the gratitude letter. This exercise involves honoring someone in a slightly grander gesture. It works as follows:

1. Choose one person from your past who has done something for you that you really appreciated.

2. Write a detailed letter to this person, outlining what it was that they did for you and, more important, the impact that their actions had on your life, and how you felt about it. Let them know that you appreciate them, and why.

3. Read the letter aloud to the individual in person.

• Everyday gratitude. It’s easy to express gratitude to people in your life on a daily basis: Just say it. If you’re not in the habit of letting people know how much they mean to you or how much you appreciate the small gestures they do for you, this may take some getting used to. If you are already in the habit of doing this, try branching out and letting more people know—people you encounter at work, in a class you take, or when you go out to eat. This is the simplest way to share feelings of gratitude, and it brings an immediate payoff.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• Are there areas of my life where I could be happier?

• What pleasures might I enjoy the most?

• How many pleasures can I comfortably add to my week, and what should they be?

• Am I experiencing enough flow in my life?

• What one gratification would I like to experience more often?

• What would be my preferred way to increase my feelings of gratitude for what I have and for the people in my life?

Evaluate Your Answers

As you read over your answers, notice which ones seem to jump out at you. Do you get excited at the thought of adding pleasures to your life? Do you look at the areas of your life where you could be happier and long to make changes there? Let your interests guide you. If you have a special feeling that you need more flow in your life or need to focus on gratitude, for example, go with that. Use the activities in this chapter to create a happier life.

KEY 8

PRACTICE LONG-TERM RESILIENCE-FORMING HABITS

The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.

—JAPANESE PROVERB

Certain stress relief techniques, when practiced repeatedly, can actually build long-term resilience toward stress. This chapter shows you the research behind some of the most beneficial of these activities and provides clear strategies for adopting these habits long term. Choose from meditation, exercise, or journaling, or incorporate all three.

Libby’s Stress Solution

Libby found that after the birth of her second child, she felt overwhelmed. She spent most of her days changing diapers, planning play dates, and meeting the many needs of her two small children, which was wonderful in many ways, but consuming as well. She had just moved to a new area and had no family nearby, so she was also working on creating a group of friends. Her body had not returned to its pre-baby state, and her lifestyle had been considerably altered. She felt isolated and stressed and became short-tempered, which made it harder to care for her baby and toddler, as well as for herself.

She realized that she needed an outlet. We examined her needs and options, and she decided to try a martial arts class with her husband. They attended a rigorous 2-hour class twice a week, and things began to change. Her responsibilities remained the same, but her ability to cope improved with every kick. She found that the vigorous aerobic activity created an outlet for frustration, the exercise strengthened her body, the martial arts moves instilled in her a sense of confidence, and the social outlet of the class gave her a chance to make new friends and to connect with her husband through topics other than work and children. Even better, she found that she became less stressed about the frustrations she faced in her life. She always left the class feeling better than she had when she arrived, and the activities she did there gave her a sense of calm that lasted, at least partially, throughout the week. This one habit met many needs for her, and this shifted how she felt in her life. As she felt more energized and encouraged, she was able to add even more stress relief techniques to her repertoire.

Why Long-Term Habits Differ from Repeated Short-Term Habits

The benefit of adopting a full stress management plan, rather than one or two favorite stress relievers, is that you can create a strategy filled with different activities that manage stress in different ways. We have looked at ways to recognize when and where stress is an issue in your life (Key 1). We’ve gone over short-term stress relievers that quickly reverse the stress response (Key 2), and have seen plenty of quick ways to cut down on feelings of stress. We have also looked at ways to take care of your body (Key 3) and mind (Key 4) so that you are functioning at your best and are not unwittingly creating stress for yourself. We’ve looked at different lifestyle ingredients that can create a buffer from stress and offer more tools to manage it (Keys 6 and 7). A final—and very helpful—key to an effective stress management plan is having at least one long-term habit that builds your resilience to stress by decreasing your reactivity to it. This can be an invaluable asset.

The approaches covered in this chapter have been proved to work in two important ways. First, they can cut down on stress each time you practice them. (They have been touched on in previous chapters because they do so.) Each of them have been shown to cut down on stress within minutes of their being put into practice, so they can be effective stress relievers the first time you try them.

Perhaps more important, however, these techniques have been shown to change the way people react physically and psychologically to stress over time! As with gratifications, these stress relief strategies only bring greater benefits with practice. After a few weeks of practice, you will feel stress relief come on more quickly. After a few months, you will find that you feel less stressed, even when you are not practicing these techniques, and that you naturally react to stress with less intensity. With greater practice, you will find that it is progressively easier to relieve stress with these strategies. Because their benefits are cumulative, they not only help you to relieve the stress you are experiencing now, but also can help you better manage the stress that you haven’t even encountered yet.

This can be a great help with episodic and chronic stress. As mentioned in Key 1, because stress can build upon itself, and because we can create more stress for ourselves when we are functioning from a state of being overwhelmed, we need strategies that disrupt the buildup of stress and the momentum that can come from a chain reaction of stressors—stressors feeding into more stressors. However, rather than relying on only disrupting the cycle of stress and on cutting out major stressors, you can lower your stress levels over time with these resilience-promoting habits. These habits decrease the intensity of our reactions to all stressors and ensure that each stressor makes less of a contribution to our overall stress load. They can act as a safeguard against stress, particularly in situations where we face a high degree of stress in our lives and may not always be able to take time out to practice stress relief techniques when we start to feel overwhelmed.

Habits That Work

Not all stress relief strategies bring equal levels of resilience. This chapter includes three of the most effective techniques to reduce stress. They each can be learned independently, bring benefits in minutes, and bring cumulative benefits over time. They can also be practiced by virtually anyone. I encourage you to try each one and to consider making one, two, or all three a regular part of your lifestyle.

Meditation

As you may recall from Key 2, this powerful technique has gained popularity in recent years as researchers have discovered its considerable benefits for stress relief. Besides the basic short-term benefits of meditation as a quick-fix stress reliever, some of which I discussed earlier, additional strengths are imparted by this technique when it is practiced long term. The following are some of the benefits you can gain from meditation if you practice regularly for more than a few weeks.

Types of Meditation

There are many different types of meditation that can be practiced, and all of them can bring benefits for stress relief. Each variation may appeal to different people based on personal tastes and personality characteristics; some forms of meditation are simply easier or more comfortable for a given person than others, and some forms may appeal at different points in one’s development. Generally, meditation techniques are broken into two main types: concentrative and non-concentrative.

Concentrative meditative techniques center around a focal point; the attention is directed at an object, sensation, or idea. This feature allows copious variations of concentrative meditation; a focal point can be a candle, a mantra, a piece of chocolate, or the sound of one’s own breath.

Non-concentrative meditation, also known as mindfulness meditation, has a more detached approach. Rather than a close focus on an object, an awareness of all things is the central concept of this form of meditation—it can be said that the present moment is the focus. Concentrative approaches tend to be easier for beginners to learn, but both types are effective for stress management, and both types can be easily practiced once learned.

Benefits of Meditation

Both concentrative and non-concentrative meditation deliver enormous benefits, which we are learning more about all the time. Meditation works quickly and subtly, and perhaps the best thing about it is that its benefits increase over time. While even those who have been practicing meditation for years can find it to be challenging, the practice deepens over time. Those who meditate regularly are able to get into a deeper state of relaxation more quickly, so that not only are long meditative sessions more beneficial with practice, but mini-sessions carry greater benefits for this group as well.

Meditation has been shown to produce benefits with as little as 3 minutes of practice. However, longer sessions, and cumulative numbers of sessions, bring greater benefits. Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a researcher from the University of Massachusetts, has spearheaded many studies on meditation and has popularized a type of meditation training that involves eight weekly training sessions with daily homework assignments throughout. These classes have been studied, and many benefits have been demonstrated after these 8 weeks of practice. Some of these benefits include the following:

• Increased feelings of well-being

• Enhanced ability to focus

• Reduced feelings of anxiety

• Lower blood pressure

• Increased capacity for empathy

• Improved health across a wide array of measures (including allergies, sleep disorders, depression, and binge eating)

• Lower reactivity to stress

Activity to Try: Breathing Meditation

One of the most popular forms of meditation, especially for beginners, is breath-focused meditation. Because our breathing is constant, rhythmic, and effortless, the sound and feel of our own breath provides a wonderfully convenient and efficient focus for meditative practice. In addition, because meditation works best with a more physically relaxed form of breathing, learning this type of breathing and learning meditation tend to go hand in hand. When the body is stressed, our breathing shifts to a more shallow, quick pattern, and returning the breath to a more relaxed pattern can help to reverse the stress response, so the relaxed breathing that comes with meditation is useful for stress relief in its own right. Here are some easy steps for a simple breathing meditation:

1. Find a quiet place to relax, and get comfortable.

2. Set an alarm for the length of time you would like to practice. (This will allow you to fully relax and know that you will not miss anything important that you have to do after the session, worry that you will fall asleep, or otherwise have your mind cluttered with thoughts.)

3. To further regulate your breathing, you may want to count with each breath as with the breathing exercise in Key 2—count slowly to 5 on the inhale, and count slowly to 8 with each exhale—and keep your breathing at a relaxed pace. This counting can also provide you with a focus for a few minutes, which may help you to more easily move into a meditative state, especially if you are a beginner.

4. You can stop counting and stop focusing on altering your breathing once you feel that you are breathing in a fully relaxed manner. Rather than changing your breathing patterns at this point, simply notice your breath as it moves into and out of your body. As your mind wanders (and it inevitably will) to thoughts of anything other than your breath, gently direct your attention back to the sound and feel of your breathing. Don’t think about it; just do it. This is the important part of the practice.

5. You can continue until your alarm goes off or until you naturally feel your session is complete.

Other Variations of Meditation

This breathing meditation is a simple one to teach and to learn, which makes it a popular meditation for beginners. As mentioned, however, it is one of numerous forms of meditation that might appeal to you. The following are a few more popular types of meditation, with a brief description of each:

• Mantra meditation. This is a highly effective form of meditation and may be easier than other forms for some people to practice. It involves focusing on a specific mantra, which can be anything you choose. (Many people like to choose sounds like om and one, which are simple and nondistracting to repeat; others like to choose a word or words that have meaning, such as hope or peace. Whatever mantra you choose is obviously up to you, and you can choose based on what resonates with you.) Mantra meditation follows the same basic pattern as that of breathing meditation, except you repeat your mantra, either aloud or inside your head. As you slowly repeat it, you focus on the sound of the word and the sensations you feel when you repeat that word (if you are repeating it aloud). As your mind wanders to other thoughts, gently redirect it back to the mantra.

• Music meditation. This type of meditation has the considerable benefits of listening to music, combined with those of meditation. Choose music that is soothing and enjoyable to you, and simply focus on the sound of it. Let the feelings flow through your body, and focus on the sensations. Be careful to keep your mind clear, however, and simply focus on sensation.

• Loving kindness meditation. This meditation, also known as metta, brings positive thoughts and feelings to you and can help you to let go of any anger and animosity you may be feeling toward others. Rather than focusing on a mantra, this meditation involves focusing on feelings of love and appreciation. First, you surround yourself with these positive feelings—visualize yourself surrounded with love and light, and see if you can feel this in your body. Next, think of each person you love and envision them surrounded with love as well. Really feel it in your heart and in your body. Then move on to acquaintances and those you don’t know as well, to those toward whom you may feel mild distaste, and eventually to those with whom you may be angry or resentful. Allow yourself to let go of the negative feelings you may have had, as you allow the positive, loving feelings to fill your awareness and surround your vision of that person. You can direct loving kindness meditation toward whole groups of people and even other countries. Benefits include reductions in anger, negative mood, stress, and anxiety and increases in positive social feelings and in hope.

• Additional meditations. If you are reading these keys out of order, you can find additional meditation techniques in Key 4.

Exercise

Exercise is a highly recommended stress reliever for several reasons. As I discussed in previous chapters, physical activity brings many benefits other than stress relief, and these benefits alone—increased wellness, longevity, and happiness—make exercise a habit that is well worth the effort; and as a stress management technique, it is more effective than most. The combined benefits of these two facts make physical exercise a lifestyle feature worth pursuing.

Benefits of Exercise

I touched on exercise in previous keys, dealing with it in depth in Key 3, so I will just offer a quick refresher here. Exercise can reduce feelings of stress in as little as 3 minutes, and the long-term benefits of regular physical activity are numerous and impressive. Regular physical activity brings increased longevity and enhanced physical health across a wide array of measures. Regular practice even alters the body’s reactivity to stress and quiets the mind, so stressors in your environment have less of an impact. Exercise promotes emotional and physical health like no other activity and should be a part of any healthy lifestyle.

Caveats

As with virtually all stress relievers, there are some drawbacks to exercise, especially if used as the only stress relief technique in one’s arsenal. For those who can take the time and have the physical capacity, exercise is wonderfully effective in beating back blues, increasing overall health, and relieving stress in many ways. However, there are a few caveats to watch out for and reasons why exercise should not be one’s only source of stress relief. Keep the following in mind when building a stress management plan that includes physical activity as a main staple.

Start Slowly and Stay Safe

You may be tempted to go from no exercise to a high level right away, to get into shape as quickly as possible and relieve as much stress as you can. Don’t. You could injure yourself or simply burn out. You could end up overly sore and decide that exercise is not for you. It’s much better to start slowly and work your way into more intense exercise sessions that you enjoy, rather than push too hard and end up giving up.

Don’t Give Up

Every January, the gyms are packed, and it is difficult to find a parking space. Cut to March, and you see long stretches of empty pavement in front of the gym. Many people who start exercise programs predictably drop out after a few weeks of committed work. (Remember that 88% statistic on New Year’s resolutions we talked about in the Preface?) What often happens is that people find themselves missing workouts a few days in a row and eventually decide they don’t have what it takes to maintain the habit. Do not let yourself be fooled into believing this—you can maintain a regular workout habit if you would like to do so. You may need to alter your approach, but there are several potential paths to success for you. None of them, however, involves giving up when you face a setback.

Life coaches generally see their clients having trouble with maintaining new habits between the 3rd and 7th week of adopting them. This is the window in which the momentum that comes from excitement over the new change begins to wane and the sense of accomplishment from maintaining the habit for a few months has not yet occurred. During this more challenging time, it is important to steel your resolve, adjust your approach if necessary, and give yourself the tools you need to keep going with the habit. (See the next chapter, “Creating an Action Plan,” for specific tips on how to do this.)

Don’t Make Exercise Your Only Choice

Some stress management techniques work so well that it’s tempting to use them as our only method of stress relief. Exercise is a highly effective stress reliever, but it should be one of at least a few other tools for stress relief, for a few reasons. First, it cannot be used in every instance. There may be times, for example, when you need to calm down quickly and leave the situation you are facing in order to take a brisk walk. You need a few stress relievers that work quickly and can be practiced virtually anywhere. In other instances, addressing the source of your stress is important; obviously, using proactive, solution-focused coping techniques such as boundary setting or eliminating tolerations can work here.

Also, there may be times when you do not have access to exercise, because of physical injury or other circumstances. The body can actually go through a feeling of withdrawal if you are used to a certain level of activity and this stops abruptly. If exercise is your only tool for stress management, the stress of this will be compounded, and other stressors will be even more challenging to manage. It is a good idea to have exercise as an important part of your life, but maintaining a few other stress relief habits for balance is an even better idea.

Try Different Forms of Exercise

For stress relief, virtually any activity that brings aerobic exercise is a good option to consider. Within 3 minutes of commencing aerobic activity, cortisol levels fall, and the benefits just grow from there.

Three Types of Exercise

The following types of exercise are highly recommended for stress relief, as they have particularly effective stress-reducing properties for short-term and long-term stress management:

• Yoga. The gentle stretching and balance of yoga may be what people first think of when the practice comes to mind, but there are several other aspects of yoga that contribute to stress relief and healthy living. Yoga involves the same type of diaphragmic breathing that is used with meditation (see Key 2); in fact, some styles of yoga involve meditation as part of their practice (indeed, most forms of yoga can move you into a meditative state to some degree.) Yoga also involves balance, coordination, stretching, and, in some styles, strength training—all of which support wellness and stress relief. Yoga can be practiced in many different ways. Some styles of yoga feel like a gentle massage from the inside, while others will have you sweating and leave you sore the next day, so there is a school of yoga that can appeal to most people, even those with certain physical limitations.

• Walking. Walking is one of the most easily available stress relievers, which is wonderful because of the benefits that this technique brings. The human body was designed to be able to walk long distances, and this activity generally does not cause the same degree of wear and tear on the body as does running such distances. Walking is a workout that you can easily individualize through the speed you use, the weights you carry, the music you listen to, and the location and company you choose. This type of workout can also be easily broken up into 10-minute sessions and no classes are necessary and no special gear is required beyond a suitable pair of shoes. (This is an advantage, because studies have shown that three 10-minute workouts bring roughly the same benefits as one 30-minute session—great news for those who have to find their exercise in smaller chunks because of a busy schedule!)

• Martial arts. There are many forms of martial arts, and while each may have a slightly different focus, ideology, or set of techniques, they all deliver benefits for stress relief. These practices tend to pack a punch, offering both aerobic exercise and strength training, as well as the confidence that comes from fitness and capabilities in self-defense. Generally practiced in groups, martial arts can also offer some social support benefits, as classmates encourage one another and maintain a sense of group engagement. Many martial arts styles bring philosophical perspectives that promote stress management and peaceful living, which you can choose to adopt or not. Certain styles, especially those with high levels of physical combat, have a higher risk of injury, however, so martial arts practice is not for everyone, or at least not all styles work for all people. If you sample a few different martial arts programs and talk to your doctor before settling on a style to pursue, you will have a higher chance of finding a new habit that can keep you more fit and resilient for decades to come.

Other Types of Exercise

These three examples are not the only types of exercise; they simply bring some standout benefits and can be practiced by most people. There are many other forms of exercise that can also be highly effective, such as Pilates, running, weight training, swimming, dancing, and organized sports. They all bring their own stress management benefits to the table, so explore and practice the form of exercise that appeals to you the most.

How to Manage: Choosing an Exercise Plan

As you look at various kinds of exercise and try to decide which type of workout would be the best fit for your lifestyle, there are a few points to consider. Each form of exercise carries unique benefits and appeals to specific types of people. The key is to find the right habits to fit your personality and lifestyle. After all, exercise is one of the more difficult habits to maintain, and choosing a style that is not the best fit for you can make it more difficult to maintain this as a long-term habit. Here are some points to consider when choosing a new practice to take on:

• Look for fun. First and foremost, exercise should be enjoyable, or you will not have the motivation to continue in it for any significant length of time. Workouts are easier to get through on an individual basis and easier to repeat collectively if they feel more like fun than work. One person may find that a walk on a treadmill in front of the television makes time fly by, while this could feel grueling for someone who prefers to walk outside in nature; the same exercise can feel very different based on such details. Therefore, try to think of what is fun for you. Explore ideas like sports, classes, and various types of activity, and see what resonates with you.

• Get others involved. It is easier to stay on track with virtually any habit if you have others involved with you. Research shows that exercise is no exception to this rule. If your workouts are part of a larger social structure, such as a series of classes that involve the same people over time, or a buddy system approach where you meet up with a friend on a regular basis, it becomes both easier to keep up with workouts and harder to give up. Having the fun of seeing friends or classmates waiting for you can be a positive motivational tool to help you keep up with your workout schedule; knowing there will be people there to enjoy can sometimes give you that extra push you need to keep things going. In addition, reluctance to let others down can compel you to pursue your activity; you may feel an extra pull to attend class or keep your workout date because you don’t want to disappoint others. This may also remind you that you do not want to disappoint the part of you that really wants to maintain this healthy habit.

• Build it into your schedule and lifestyle. It becomes much easier to maintain any habit if it becomes part of your schedule, and because of the investment of time and energy, this is particularly true for exercise. Think about what time of day you could most easily exercise and when the type of exercise you would like to do would best fit, and schedule it in! Gwyneth Paltrow, who has become a busy working mom and advocate of healthy living in recent years, advises morning visits to the gym; this allows her to get her daily exercise out of the way and provides a boost of energy for the rest of the day, she explains. Morning workouts are opportune for those who would like to manage their weight as well as their stress levels, because workouts boost the metabolism for hours afterward, as well as leaving you feeling more relaxed. However, lunchtime or evening workouts may be more convenient, depending on the flow of your day. And weekend-only workouts are better than no workouts. (My best time to work out is at night—my husband and I like to discuss the events of the day while walking; it allows us to exercise and connect at the same time, and it works best for our busy schedules. We are just careful to be done at least an hour before bedtime so exercise doesn’t interfere with sleep.) Think about what works best for your specific needs, and don’t be afraid to experiment. If one time of day doesn’t work well for you, another time will.

• Don’t give up or set too-high goals. People often overdo it when they begin a workout habit and either injure themselves or burn out on the habit before it becomes a permanent part of their routine. For the sake of safety, and to maintain the habit long term, be sure you start slowly, pace yourself, and work out safely, even hiring a trainer in the beginning if necessary. Remember, you are in this for the long haul; slow and steady wins the race.

• Change things up if necessary. If you find that it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain your workout habit, or if you dread going back to the workouts you did at a previous point in your life, don’t be afraid to change things! Even for exercise regimens that are working, altering your routine can build new muscles and produce more effective workouts. (The body has a tendency to plateau and experience diminishing returns when the same muscles are exercised in the same way for a long period, so changing the type of exercise can have a beneficial impact.) Periodically changing your workout can keep things interesting and allow you to make adjustments if your resolve is starting to wane.

• Consult a doctor before you begin. With any physical activity there is the risk of injury. Before starting an exercise regimen, it is best to talk with your doctor.

Journaling

The previous two strategies have numerous benefits for stress management and overall health. While journaling clearly does not offer the same physical benefits as exercise or the same level of relaxation as meditation, it does have significant positive consequences for body and mind, effects that grow over time. It is also a flexible and accessible practice, so it merits inclusion here.

Journaling can bring about specific emotional shifts (based on the intentions you have with your practice), which can result in enormous stress relief. It can be practiced in a few different ways and can take 5 minutes or an hour, depending on the time and the goals you have. If you feel you don’t have time to commit yourself to a full meditation or exercise habit right now, journaling is definitely a practice to consider.

Benefits of Journaling

As a stress relief technique, journaling brings a wider variety of benefits than one might expect. It reduces the symptoms of a variety of health conditions, among them asthma, arthritis, and chronic pain. It improves cognitive functioning. It strengthens the immune system, preventing a host of other health issues. It can aid in the process of forgiveness. Gratitude journaling has actually been shown to lift depression in as little as 3 weeks. And journaling in general relieves stress.

Types of Journaling

Based on your needs, your journaling practice can take on whatever form you wish. You can maintain a long document on your computer that includes entries for each day, write in a beautifully bound book in a rainbow of entries using a color-coded pen, scrawl your thoughts on a collection of papers, write them on the steam in your bathroom mirror, or find one of a host of options in between. (My journaling has taken all of these forms over the years, and more.)

Certain writing techniques, however, are particularly effective for meeting specific ends. The following are a few different methods of journaling that seem to have the most positive effects for stress relief. Regardless of how you record your thoughts (digitally, in multicolored ink, or traced in steam), these areas of focus can serve you well.

Activity to Try: Emotion-Focused Journaling

We all have our issues that cause us stress. Exploring the emotions behind our stress, and exploring the events behind our emotions, can enable us to get beyond our feelings of agitation and into a place of inner peace. If you find yourself fixating on a stressor in your life, journaling about your feelings surrounding the issue and exploring the connections of why you may feel this way can enable you to gain some insight, as well as some closure. We may not always have the perfect experiences in life to bring about the type of closure we would prefer, but we can give ourselves a sense of closure and a point from which to move on if we can explore our feelings and make peace with them. With emotion-focused journaling, a few different ingredients can go a long way toward the relief of letting go:

• Examine. If you give yourself space to explore what you feel and why, it can become easier to let go of these feelings. Start with the feelings, and work backward, looking within. How do you feel? Describe it in detail, in whatever imagery feels right for you. (It can be in a series of adjectives, metaphors, or whatever seems to fit.) Then work on tracing back why. If your feelings come from a certain event, what needs of yours were not being met when that happened? What do you feel you need now? Exploring your feelings, needs, and experiences can help you to make sense of the stress you are experiencing and help you to move beyond it.

• Acknowledge. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to feel a certain way, and then we can move on. Seeing the words in black and white can help you to realize when your feelings are valid, and you can acknowledge that fact. (If your feelings seem a little misplaced, you may further explore the real root of where these feelings are coming from, or you may find it easier to let go and move on.) If you feel you need to talk to a close friend or a therapist to gain more support, journaling in this way can help you to organize your thoughts before you take them to someone else.

• Explore. As you look at what is upsetting you and what felt wrong about the experience, it can also help to look at the benefits you may have gleaned from such situations. Finding benefits in your negative experiences is not the same as saying that you are glad that they happened or that you would have preferred these events over other possibilities. (Sometimes when people experience very difficult, even tragic, circumstances, they feel that the act of finding the benefits of these experiences fails to acknowledge the pain that they brought; in actuality, finding the hidden benefits of our hardships is a way of maintaining some of our power in the situation and of refusing to “waste” the pain that was endured. (See Key 4.) One way to do this is to list, or explore in detail, the positive things that have come from experiences that have caused us pain or frustration. For example, a painful breakup may have taught us a few things about what we want and don’t want in a relationship or about our own personal strength. Surviving a serious injury or loss may yield the benefit of enabling us to have a deeper appreciation for all the things that we still have in life. Again, if this type of journaling feels too emotionally intense, do not be afraid to enlist the help of a therapist, and use the journaling practice as a tool to maximize the benefits you can gain through therapy. That said, many people find that this type of journaling practice provides some of the self-exploration benefits of therapy, but as a solitary practice.

Activity to Try: Solution-Focused Journaling

Journaling techniques that explore feelings can cause an emotional release and uncover the deeper roots to our experiences. Techniques that involve exploring solutions for our stressors can be particularly effective in facilitating the process of letting go of stressful feelings. This works particularly well with feelings of anxiety or rumination, where perhaps steps can be taken to move beyond this state. This type of solution-focused journaling can work in two parts, as follows:

• Explore your stressors. As with emotion-focused journaling, solution-focused writing can begin with an exploration of the feelings that underlie the stress you are feeling and with a tracing back to what events are causing these emotions.

• Brainstorm solutions. Rather than stopping at the feelings-exploration stage, or even at the benefit-finding stage (which is optional here), actively searching for solutions can provide a strong sense of empowerment and can move you from a stuck, stressed place to a point of feeling that you have options. (In terms we explored in Key 4, this can move you from having an external locus of control to a more internal one.)

Activity to Try: Gratitude Journaling

Gratitude journaling has been mentioned in other keys, but it brings so many benefits that it bears repeating here. Gratitude journaling can have a positive impact on emotional well-being to such an extent that it can even lift depression. While there are several different ways to practice gratitude journaling, there is one method that researchers prefer:

1. At the end of each day, choose three things for which you are grateful.

2. Write about each one in detail, focusing on what you appreciate the most.

3. Be sure that they are things that happened that day and that you write about them at the end of the day. For some reason, this formula has been shown to bring the greatest benefit.

Additional Types of Journaling

While the three forms of journaling above have been found to carry the greatest benefits, there are many forms of journaling that can bring about stress relief. Here are two more.

Goal-Oriented Journaling

This type of journaling helps you to clarify where you are in life and where you would like to be. You can identify goals and break them down into smaller steps. Then you can track your progress. This allows you to more easily move through the stages of change, providing a venue in which to congratulate yourself when you achieve successes, and enables you to track where you may have gone wrong in your plans or where you might want to change them. This is a fun and validating way to journal, and it does not require daily writing.

Dream Journaling

Because dreams can provide insights into our subconscious minds, it can be interesting and useful to maintain a dream journal. These journals allow you to better remember your dreams and to keep track of ongoing themes. Write in your journal every morning after waking up, and you will likely find that you remember your dreams more vividly and more often. Dream journals can allow you to get in touch with your deeper goals so you can meet them and with your sources of stress and anxiety so you can better manage them.

How to Manage: Getting Started with Journaling

The habit of journaling is a simple one to maintain, although, as with any new habit, there are a few things to keep in mind. The habit doesn’t work if you do not actually practice it, so, particularly with gratitude journaling, shorter entries on a more regular basis can be more beneficial than longer entries that seem like so much work that they are rarely written. Also, remember that you can practice journaling at any time, so if you haven’t written in your journal for weeks, you can always pick it right back up and keep writing. Here are some things to keep in mind as you get started:

• Choose your venue. As mentioned earlier, there are many convenient ways to maintain a journal. Some people like the ease and convenience of typing their thoughts on the computer, while others enjoy the old-fashioned feel of pen and paper. Sometimes having a beautiful journal can inspire you to write more, while for others, a plainer book brings less pressure to create entries that are more “profound” than authentic. Think about what will work best for you and your tastes. And don’t forget to take steps to ensure your own privacy, if this is important to you. Journaling is generally most effective when you do not need to self-censor.

• Choose your style. While reading the preceding descriptions of methods of journaling—emotion focused, solution focused, and gratitude focused, you may have found that a particular style resonated with you. Or you may find that different styles of journaling work best for different situations—emotion focused when you are feeling a cacophony of emotions and are having difficulty managing them, solution focused when you are feeling anxiety about a particular situation, and gratitude focused when you are feeling sad or unsettled and would like to refocus on the positive aspects of your life. Keep in mind your goals for journaling—how you would like to feel—and the style of journaling will be easier to choose.

• Be flexible. If you skip a few days, don’t give up. If your writing is messy (or your typing contains errors), that’s okay. If you are aiming to write about three things for which you are grateful, and you can think of only two, that’s still two positive things in your life! You want to draw pictures with your words? Do it. Let yourself relax, and be flexible with your practice. This will make the habit easier to maintain, and more enjoyable as well.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What are my goals with stress management? Do I need to relieve physical tension, lessen anxiety, alleviate mild feelings of depression, practice letting go of stressful thoughts?

• Which of these strategies would be easiest to maintain in my life?

• What benefits might I gain by each of these habits?

• How would these long-term habits fit into my lifestyle?

• Who can help me stay on track with these?

• What other support do I need in my life?

• (If you have tried any of these in the past and not continued with the habit) What stood in my way the last time I tried to maintain this habit, and might things be different this time?

• What would I need to do to make things different?

Evaluate Your Answers

Getting into a long-term habit requires commitment. It helps to know exactly what you want to do and why. Looking at your answers can help you to understand a few things that will assist you along the journey and get you back on track if you should find yourself losing your drive.

Knowing what goal you are most hoping to reach can help you to decide on the right habit for you. For example, if you want to clear your mind of stressful thoughts, a daily journaling habit can help you to process what’s on your mind. An exercise session can help you to clear your head and shift your focus and can help you to be less reactive toward stress over time. A meditation habit can accomplish the same goal, but in a different way, so knowing your needs and keeping in mind what parameters you have can help.

When you look at your answers, you will see what you need to keep in mind to remain motivated. You’ll see what you need to put into place to keep yourself on track and what to do if you find yourself straying from your goal. In the next chapter, you will find more ways to put these answers into action in your life.

CREATING AN ACTION PLAN

Fall seven times. Stand up eight.

—JAPANESE PROVERB

Often you can gain a valuable understanding from books such as this one but find yourself unsure of where to start in putting the ideas to action. Other times, you may not know which ideas to try, or you may attempt too many changes at once and end up dropping the endeavor entirely. Or you may simply be good at planning change, but have trouble taking your plans to the level of real action. This chapter will provide you with clear steps for creating a short-term and long-term plan for stress management, a time line for putting the plans into play in your life, and contingency strategies for times when you may find yourself facing setbacks.

This book has covered many strategies for reducing the stressors in your life and effectively coping with the stressors that remain. It may be difficult to know where to begin in putting these changes into action. It may be tempting to try several major changes at once, or hold on to your ideas of what you might want to change, and never take the next step by putting those ideas into action. As you may remember from the stages of change mentioned in the Introduction, it isn’t always easy to make lasting changes, and having a plan in addition to information and ideas definitely helps. By the end of this chapter, you will know of several ways to make changes that will last, without overwhelming yourself in the process. You will also have a plan on paper, ready to be put into action.

Why and How to Create a Plan

Managing stress becomes much easier if you have a plan. Your plan can be as simple as “When I feel frustrated, I will take three deep breaths”; or it can involve a combination of different stress management techniques to be used in various situations. I recommend stress management plans that are multifaceted enough to cover a variety of challenges but simple enough to actually be put into practice. In other words, merely relying on breathing exercises alone might not be enough of a plan for someone who has more variety and intensity in the types of stressors they face than can be handled effectively by mere breathing exercises, even if they are practiced often. Likewise, a stress management plan that involves a wide variety of proven techniques may not be effective if the techniques are so numerous and challenging that they are not properly learned and regularly used. You need a plan that fits the types of stressors that you face and the level of time and energy you have available to learn and practice the techniques.

Putting Together Your Plan: Finding the Right Mix

We all naturally find our own ways of coping with stress, but some strategies are more effective than others. (Calling a friend for support, and being available for this friend when the favor needs to be returned, can be a more healthy way of managing stress than binging on chocolate cake, though both activities might be instinctively appealing.) The key to finding an optimal stress management plan is balance.

All activities bring a mix of pros and cons, and finding the best balance of both is part of the adventure of planning your coping strategy. (For example, exercise or meditation regimens bring many benefits, but they require time and energy; visualizations can take less time and energy, but bring a different level of payoff.) Part of creating a stress management plan is finding the balance between the benefits you are seeking and the level of time and effort you are able to put in.

Planning ahead is also important. If you wait until you are feeling stressed, you may revert to less helpful reactions to stress (chocolate cake, anyone?), rather than using proven, proactive approaches that can help you to most effectively manage your stress. However, if you have already created a plan—one that takes into account your personality, lifestyle, and specific needs—you will find it easier to handle stress in the way you hope to. Let’s take the next step and put together that plan.

An Ideal Plan

Everyone’s ideal stress management plan will be unique. Based on what you already enjoy doing, the type of stress you need to manage, and a host of other factors, you may come up with something that’s entirely different from what your best friend would create or from what you might create 10 years from now. This is okay; we have many techniques to choose from, and the plan can evolve as you do.

As we get started with creating a plan, you can ask yourself the following questions to explore what needs you have to meet and what mix of techniques might work for you:

• How quickly do I need relief from stress? (This can help you decide between focusing more heavily on fast-acting stress relievers or investing time into techniques that can lower your stress levels more gradually but permanently over time.)

• How much time do I have to invest in learning new techniques?

• How much stress do I have to manage?

• Is this short-term stress I am feeling, or do I generally experience this level of stress?

• Which areas of my life are causing me stress?

• Would I prefer to invest effort into eliminating stressors from my life where possible or focusing on developing resilience toward stressors that may come my way?

After answering those questions, reading previous chapters, and examining your life, you should have a few ideas of where to begin. Here are a few more thoughts to keep in mind as you piece together the ultimate plan you have for addressing your stress. As you make a list of new habits to ultimately adopt, or as you review the list you may have already made, you may want the plan to fit the following criteria:

• A mix of short-term and long-term techniques. Ideally, if you have a few techniques that can address both the short-term needs of quickly reversing your stress response and the long-term needs of increasing your resilience toward stress in general, you will be able to more effectively manage stress than if you were only addressing one of those needs. (Notice that certain stress relievers can be used for both purposes. This is very useful and may be where you want to begin when you start putting your plan into action.)

• A plan that fits your specific needs. If you are the type to gravitate toward a collection of techniques you can use in various situations, creating a multilayered approach can work quite well. If you feel you have time to learn only two or three new techniques in the near future, be honest with yourself and just plan for that. Be realistic with what you are willing and able to do, and you will be more likely to follow the plan. (That said, keep in mind that it is useful to have at least two strategies to fall back on, in case one does not work for all situations.)

• Address the areas where you need help the most. Don’t shy away from addressing areas that are stressful, simply because facing the stress is intimidating. You may not be ready to weed out some toxic relationships or start a long-term exercise habit right now, but if those are strategies that would address some of your biggest areas of stress, I encourage you to make a note of them as things to try in the future and perhaps build up to it.

• Create a flexible plan. Allow yourself permission to take a little extra time preparing yourself to move through each stage if you need it. For example, if you need to gather more information before you feel ready to move into action, do it. If you find yourself slipping back into old habits, remind yourself that this may happen and that recommitting yourself is part of the process. Don’t demand perfection from yourself, but expect to stick with your goals. Remember that you are in this for the long haul.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Such questions often are found near the end of the chapter, but in this case, because you have likely decided on a few changes you might want to make, it will help to do some self-exploration before moving on to the next step. Here are some questions to ponder:

• Which areas of your life would benefit the most from change at this point?

• Which changes might be easiest to make?

• Which changes might bring the greatest benefit?

• Which changes would work best if I started as soon as possible?

• Do I feel ready to make a change in the next few days, the next few weeks, or the next few months?

• Do I need more information before I decide on a course of action? If so, which questions need to be answered?

• (If a goal is identified) Have I tried to make this change in the past and relapsed or given up? If so, what did I learn from the process?

• What resources can help me to change?

Make a List

These questions can help you to determine the stage of change you may be working from and help you to look at what you may need to do to move forward. At any stage of change (or at least a stage that would include reading a book on stress management), you can make a list of areas of life you would like to alter—potential changes you may want to make in the future. I suggest you begin by making this list now. You do not need to make any of the changes right away, but it would help to examine which areas of your life you would like to turn your focus toward, and perhaps what specific changes you are considering. Once you make this list, you can go about prioritizing which change to focus on first.

Determine Areas to Focus on First

Often when people are looking to create a stress management plan, they balk at the idea when they think of the long list of changes they feel they should be making. After reading the eight keys addressed in this book, you no doubt have a list of new habits you may want to adopt, old habits you may want to phase out, and desired outcomes attached to each. (Even if you have already made some of the changes suggested, the fact that you are reading this chapter suggests that you have more changes on your list.) Addressing so many issues at once is, of course, impossible. And choosing which one to tackle first can be challenging; each change brings benefits, and has its own level of effort attached. Fortunately, there is no wrong answer when it comes to deciding which stress management shifts to make; all the recommendations can help.

A first step must be taken, however, and your decision may hinge on a few different factors. Whatever seems to make sense to you is fine; virtually any step toward stress management can leave you with added energy to take the next step—and the next! However, taking a few moments to weigh the pros and cons of your next step here can be helpful when you are working to maintain motivation to continue in your efforts. If your decision is not already clear, here is some food for thought.

As you now know, not all stress relief techniques bring the same benefits. Some deliver quick relief and can be practiced in minutes. Others take longer to work, but can alter the ways in which you react to stress. And other changes can minimize the amount of stress you encounter in your life, thus making it easier to handle those stressors that are harder to eliminate.

Perhaps as you picked up this book on stress management, you had a certain technique in mind or a specific problem you wanted to tackle, and perhaps the decision of which strategy to put into action first is an easy one for you. Sometimes as you read, the clear choice jumps out at you. However, this isn’t always the case for everyone, and the choice of where to begin is often more challenging. The following are a few different ideas that may help you to decide. See what resonates with you. If they all seem good ideas, simply pick one and get started. Remember: Eliminating any stress you choose from your life will leave you with extra energy and peace.

Merits of Making the Most Beneficial Changes First

If you want the most bang for your buck, it might make sense to find the stress management technique that would bring the greatest benefit and enact that one first. This would make sense because, if you took on only one new habit (or dropped one stress-inducing one), it would be best for that one habit to be the one that would transform your life in the most positive ways. And if you are committed to making several of the changes discussed in this book, choosing the one that is most beneficial for you as your first change can be a good idea because it can provide a base of stress management upon which any future changes can be made. For example, if you decide to make the change of altering your habitual self-talk patterns to reflect a more optimistic outlook (Key 4), you can more easily change your attitudes in other ways as well. If you cut the most pressing identifiable stressor out of your life, you may find it easier to cut out more. Working an exercise habit into your lifestyle might get you into the habit of structuring your stress relief activities, so working in a quick daily meditation session could come more easily as well. Lowering your stress levels in one way can pave the way for additional changes.

Merits of Making the Quickest-Acting Changes First

Quick relief strategies make nice first steps for two reasons. First, the fact that they bring rapid relief can help you to feel more motivated to make additional changes. You may find yourself thinking, “That one change has really altered how I feel! I wonder how much better I can feel after making more changes.” As the saying goes, nothing breeds success like success!

Another benefit you may note from adopting a fast-acting stress reliever first is that you will have a simple tool to quickly lower your stress levels. Not only can you use this type of stress reliever immediately and often, but you also may find that other changes are easier to make once you initially lower your stress levels. Remember from previous chapters that we react differently to stressors if we are already feeling overwhelmed? (For example, if we are exhausted, we may have less motivation to go to the gym, even though exercise is a powerful tool for stress management.) Getting yourself to a point where you are not on the verge of feeling overwhelmed can help you to tackle future changes from a place of empowerment and enthusiasm. Given this, taking on the quick and simple stress relievers first may be the easiest way to approach creating a stress management plan.

Merits of Making the Slowest-Acting Changes First

Some of the most effective stress management practices can take some time before they confer their most powerful benefits. And because their benefits may be a little slow to arrive, these techniques could be the best ones to begin working on first. This is because the sooner you begin a habit, the sooner you will see its long-term benefits. If you begin now with habits such as exercise, meditation, and altering thought patterns, you will experience some immediate stress relief. However, these techniques can bring increased benefits over time, so planting the seeds today can yield you greater, quicker results weeks and months down the road. And as you experience increasing benefits from these practices, you can add other stress relievers to your life.

Merits of Making the Easiest or Most Enjoyable Changes First

As you read this book, certain techniques have undoubtedly stood out as easier or more enjoyable, based on your personality and life situation. Perhaps you are already athletic, and resuming an exercise program is intriguing to you. Or maybe you are a thinker and are inspired by the many ways in which altering your thought patterns can change your life. If one of these stress relief strategies appears easier to take on or more enjoyable to learn, this might be the natural place to start. Finding some easy success can boost your confidence and motivate you to keep going with your plans. And the stress relief strategies that naturally appeal to you the most may just be the most effective for your particular situation. People sometimes think that the easiest path can’t be the most effective; however, when it comes to stress relief, the easiest path could be exactly what you need!

Time to Begin

Now that you have reviewed your needs and goals and have a plan on paper, it’s time to move toward action. As you move from planning your change into taking action, there are a few things that can help you in the process. You may have a list of several goals you would like to accomplish; here is how to take action in making them happen.

Choose One Major Goal

Creating a new habit in your life or making a major change can take focus. It may take a few days, weeks, or months for a new way of combating stress to become automatic (or at least become a habit that is established enough to come easily in times of stress), but the process will require some focused energy. If you direct your attention to one goal at a time, the process will be easier. Once you master one habit, you can easily move on to the next.

Get a Vision of Success in Your Head

When creating a new habit there will be times when you need to stay motivated. It helps to have a clear vision of something that represents the goal you are shooting for and the reason why you want it. It can be something inspiring, such as an image of yourself feeling relaxed, or it can be something negative that will motivate you to want to work harder, such as an image of something that represents excessive stress for you. (This is a trick used by therapists and coaches, as well as groups like Weight Watchers, and is known as anchoring, in that you are anchoring yourself to an image that motivates you.)

Create Specific Steps

Remember that change takes time and happens in a series of stages. One of my favorite analogies for change is the idea of the 1,000-pound burger. The argument follows that just as we would not feed a baby a 1,000-pound burger and expect it to grow into an adult overnight, we should not expect to throw ourselves into a new habit and be immediately transformed.

We need to break our progress down into a series of smaller steps and reward ourselves for each of them. Try a smaller aspect of the larger goal you seek and maintain that for a constant period of time. (For example, if you would like to begin a meditation practice, commit yourself to meditating for 5 or 10 minutes a day, and see if you can maintain that for a week or two.) Then, celebrate your success and add a little more to your goal. Eventually, you will find yourself being able to easily meditate every day for 30 minutes (if this is your goal), whereas you may have given up after a few days or weeks if you had tried to maintain this from the beginning, without building up to it.

Follow this process with each new change on your list. Before you begin the process of adopting a new change, map out the smaller steps you can take to forge a path to your end goal and celebrate each step. Remember, just as a tiny baby can transform into a strong, capable adult, you can grow into the person you strive to be. Just keep going, one baby step at a time.

Choose a Start Date

You may find yourself reading this book and becoming inspired to make changes, but finding that you can’t put your best efforts into the changes until next week—or next month. But if you wait until next week (or month) to start making changes, you may not feel as much motivation or urgency and may forget much of what you had planned. Choosing a date to start your change, preparing for it, and throwing yourself into it is a good process with which to enact a change. In this way, you can be in a stage of contemplation and still be moving toward planning, or you can be planning, and this gives you a way to move into action with increased momentum. Even if the date is months in advance, getting a general range of when you aim to be ready to make changes, and doing what you need to do to get ready for that time to come, can help you to succeed.

Create Contingency Plans

We will inevitably face roadblocks in our quest for change. Even when we plan well, we may face unexpected obstacles in our path. That’s why it is important to create backup plans. For example, you may plan to meditate when you feel frustrated, but what about when you are pressed for time or can’t find a quiet place? Then sticking to this plan (or feeling you “should” be sticking to it but have failed) could actually create more stress. (Taking a few deep breaths and then meditating when you have more time or privacy is a reasonable alternate plan.) Rather than being caught off guard by what life throws at you, having a Plan B and a Plan C can help you to get around what might otherwise leave you derailed.

Don’t Give Up

Oftentimes when people find themselves going off track, they get discouraged and give up. This can be tempting, but knowing in advance that giving up might become attractive, and knowing when giving up might become attractive, can help you to combat these feelings instead of succumbing to them. If you feel like giving up, you may simply need to change your plan. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What is it about this situation that makes me want to give up?

• What would make this easier?

• What is my biggest obstacle here? (This can help you to identify what you may need to change or work around.)

• If I abandoned my goals, what would I lose? (This can help you to maintain motivation to find another way.)

Change Your Tactics or Your Goal

If you find yourself slipping up in your quest to create new habits, this is normal—don’t beat yourself up over it. But don’t ignore this information either—it can provide you with clues about what you can change in the future. Here are some questions to ask:

• Looking at what it was that presented the greatest obstacle for you, what might you look out for in the future?

• Thinking back, what might have helped you to resist the urge to give up on your goal?

• Is there anything you can change in order to make it easier the next time?

If you find yourself failing to meet your goals in a consistent manner, this should tell you something, too. Perhaps the goals need to change, or maybe you can gather some more resources to make things easier. If you look at each slipup as a potential clue, and as part of the process of perfecting your new system, it will be easier to stay on track with your goals and even gather further momentum, rather than becoming discouraged and deciding to quit.

Tools to Help You Along

Taking on any new lifestyle change can be difficult. Inertia causes us to naturally resist change—even changes that will be really good for us—so do not worry if making changes doesn’t seem to come naturally. While your mind might seem predisposed to maintaining the status quo, you can change things in your life and your way of thinking that can help you along on your path and make changes come more easily to you. The following structures can help you to put into action the ideas presented in this book and help you to keep your motivation when times get tough.

Get a Buddy

It is helpful to have a support person, or “goal buddy,” to help you along with your goals. This is beneficial for a few reasons. First, and most obvious, having a goal buddy can be helpful because of the moral support the person may give you. If your motivation wanes, someone who is going through a similar struggle may know just the thing to tell you in order to reenergize you. If you find success, you know that someone who is facing the same challenges can really appreciate that hard-won success and can help you celebrate your victories. Success tips, pep talks, and small celebrations are easier to come by when you have a partner in the journey.

Second, goal buddies can be helpful because they represent the part of you that wants to meet this goal—but they are not you. If you find yourself making excuses to yourself, you may let it slide; however, another person might not let you out of your responsibilities so easily. You may also be less comfortable telling another person you would just rather watch reruns or play games on the Internet than work toward your goals; sometimes our excuses sound ridiculous when said aloud to another person whom we respect.

Finally, perhaps the main benefit of having a goal buddy can be summed up in one word: synergy. The successes of your partner can bolster your motivation (through either inspiration or friendly competition) and vice versa. Your buddy’s successes can motivate your own, and you may find that helping your buddy to avoid letting go of his or her goal has the effect of strengthening your resolve to stay with your own goals. Having a buddy to go through this situation with can be helpful in many ways. And shouldn’t stress relief be as stressless as possible?

Announce to Others

Studies show you will be less likely to give up on a goal if you announce it to even one other person. There are several reasons for this. For one thing, the simple act of announcing your intentions to at least one other person can make your goal seem more real—you necessarily define your goal before or during your announcement because you need to be specific to put it into words. Also, the act of putting it out there helps the goal to take on a life of its own, as it will be something that may be brought up in future conversations and may come into your mind as something you’ve committed yourself to, rather than remaining a fleeting wish for the future.

Another reason that announcing your intentions can give them weight is that you may be far more likely to stick with a goal when dropping the goal could lead to having to admit that you gave up. Those who love you and make you feel accepted may want to know why you abandoned your goal, and they may have words of encouragement and support to keep you going. Those who would like to see you fail might be rather pleased to know that you’ve dropped your goal, and knowing that this could be their reaction just might keep you more motivated to stay the course.

The more you talk about your goals, the more you may want to avoid dropping them, for the simple fact that in your subconscious you would be uncomfortable knowing that you gave up. When you discuss something and focus on it, you become more invested in it and more excited about the possibilities of having it. You can gain motivation by wanting to make your focused-on goals a reality, just as you can gain motivation in wanting to avoid explaining why you gave up. Whether you want to save face, get support, or gain motivation, announcing your goals is something you should do only if you are sure you want to go after them; it is something that can keep you moving forward when you might have otherwise given up.

Hire a Coach

Life coaches—particularly those who specialize in wellness coaching—focus heavily on helping clients make changes like these. If you are not familiar with the term life coach, this is a relatively new profession (coaching was founded in the late 1980s but really started to gain traction in the 1990s and 2000s), which is focused on helping people make positive changes in their lives and stick with these changes. There is some overlap between coaching and therapy, but coaching tends to focus on the present and the future, with very little attention on the past. It also centers on actions more than on psychological issues, though both therapists and coaches can concentrate on both, and this is a fairly large generalization.

People hire coaches for different reasons; making healthy changes is one of the most popular. A good coach can help you to understand and overcome obstacles that keep you from easily making the changes you have been wanting to enact in your life. They can also help you to get your motivation and confidence back after you have hit roadblocks, and they can help you to identify tools and resources to keep you on track. If you try making these changes on your own and find that it is simply too challenging—or if you would merely like to have an ally who is committed to your success, you may consider hiring a coach.

If you decide on this route, you can search online for a wellness coach or life coach or contact Wellcoaches or the International Coaching Federation for recommendations. Then talk to a few coaches and get a sense of who seems a good fit.

Find a Therapist If You Need One

Sometimes we have more serious, deep-seated issues that cause us stress. It may be a deeply rooted family conflict, an unusually heavy situation we face, or even an imbalance that may call for a more therapeutic approach or the help of antidepressants. If you find that these suggestions aren’t enough to help you get your stress levels to a manageable place, or you just suspect you need more help than a book can provide, do not be afraid to talk to a professional.

Therapists can help with deeper issues that may be causing us stress, such as stress-inducing attitudes that provoke us to react to the challenges we face in a less healthy way, persistent self-sabotaging behavior with roots we don’t understand, or other issues that are challenging enough that we don’t feel we can tackle them alone. A therapist can also help us to know if we are dealing with a condition such as an anxiety disorder or depression and can help us to find resources to manage these conditions. Therapists can help us to work through issues that elude our understanding or just seem too heavy to bear. And therapists can work in conjunction with coaches, and with books like this one.

Set New Goals!

Once you have successfully created a new habit (or abandoned an old one), you will likely feel excited and empowered. You can use this motivation to set and reach your next goals. The confidence, pride, and stress relief you have attained can push you along a new path filled with many healthy new habits and goals met along the way. Once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier for success to build upon success.

Key Points to Remember

• When deciding what changes to make first, there are many places to start, and all of them can work, depending on your needs and personality. You can start with the quickest and easiest, the most beneficial, or the most enjoyable changes, for example, and find different forms of success with each approach.

• Each stress relief plan will be unique to the person creating it. Ideally, your plan should include a mix of fast-acting stress relievers, long-term resilience-promoting habits, and strategies to manage the specific stressors in your life. However, depending on how much or how little energy you have to devote to your plan, as well as several other factors, you may add a smaller or larger number of strategies to the mix.

• Whether you are ready to make your change this week or next month (or in the next six months), there are steps you can take to prepare for the change you plan to make and to ensure a greater chance of success.

• If you are not ready to change yet, gathering more information can help you gain momentum and motivation. If you feel that you will be ready soon, putting together plans and backup strategies can provide you with the extra structure and support that can help you achieve success.

• And if you have already thrown yourself into the new change, only to see yourself slip up or feel like giving up, you can gain valuable information from the experience that can help you to get closer to success in the future.

As You Continue on Your Stress Management Journey . . .

As I mentioned at the beginning of this book, the goal here is to enable you to shift your experience of stress in your life, and just a few changes can create a new balance. Just as chronic stress can cause a downward spiral that leads to burnout or worse, a few simple stress management techniques can build on each other and form an upward spiral of healthy thought and behavior, which can be surprisingly powerful. These techniques don’t work if you don’t put them into action, but the mere act of reading about stress, evaluating its impact on your life, and making plans to create change is part of putting them into action. Taking concrete steps that others can see is another part of action, and so is recommitting yourself to your goals if you find yourself backsliding. Be gentle with yourself and trust the process, and you will be able to make life-altering changes with relative ease.

As you finish this book, I would like to congratulate you on taking some important steps toward managing stress in your life. (Even if you have skipped around considerably, you no doubt have also found at least a few concepts that can shift how you think about stress or ideas that you can put into action now.) Also, I would like to remind you that this book can be used as a resource again and again. Different chapters may speak to you at different times in your life, and certain techniques may appeal at various times in your life as well. If you find that you are no longer making progress toward stress management, you can remotivate and recommit yourself by picking up this book and finding new strategies that you are now ready to try. For more resources, go to 8KeysToStressManagement.com.

Resources

You will find additional resources on the website 8KeysToStressManagement.com. Among them are the following:

• Downloadable worksheets for further exploration and organization

• Audio files to aid in relaxation

• Videos that can further your understanding of certain techniques

• Meditations to try

• Information about workshops that can help you put each key into action in a personal and interactive way.

In addition to those resources, I recommend the following books and websites for further information on some of the concepts discussed in this book. These are all resources that provide deeper explorations of some of the most important concepts that can help with stress management.

Key 2: Learn to Quickly Reverse Your Stress Response

About.com Stress Management, at Stress.about.com

You will find hundreds of articles here (written by yours truly) that can help you to reverse your stress response and manage stress in your life. You will find techniques discussed in this book, as well as several others, if you would like more ideas.

Key 3: Take Care of Your Body

YOU: The Owner’s Manual, by Dr. Mehmet Oz

This book provides additional information on how to maintain a healthy body, as well as further research on how the body functions, in engaging, easy-to-digest language.

Brain Rules, by Dr. John Medina

While this book focuses on the brain and its functioning, there is quite a bit of information on how the body and brain interact. The book provides more detailed information on how to care for your body and mind for optimal functioning and stress relief, from a molecular biologist’s perspective.

Key 4: Get into the Right Frame of Mind

Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman

This book, written by one of the leading psychologists in the areas of optimism and positive psychology, defines the extent to which we can alter our tendency toward optimism, provides a wealth of information on optimism, and walks you through the process of cultivating optimism.

Buddha’s Brain, by Drs. Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius

This book offers a more thorough explanation of the neuroscience behind stress and stress management, if you want a more thorough picture of what is going on inside your brain when you are stressed.

Key 5: Cut Down on Stressors When Possible

Getting Things Done, by David Allen

This is a classic time management book that describes a complex but effective system for organizing and prioritizing your life’s activities. If you find yourself juggling many different activities in your life, but certain things fall through the cracks, this book could be a lifesaver. This system is very popular, but it isn’t for everyone. It takes some time to learn and implement the strategy, so if you are looking for a simple system you can start using quickly, you may want to look elsewhere.

Take Time for Your Life, by Cheryl Richardson

This book is a new classic that helps you to use life coach–tested techniques to cull the clutter of your lifestyle and streamline your activities so you’re doing more of what you want to do in your life.

Key 6: Cultivate Healthy Relationships

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan Declaire

This book discusses the most salient findings from Gottman’s relationship lab and also covers a gamut of oft-experienced relationship challenges. The book is geared toward marriage, but most of the tips are applicable to dating relationships and even friendships.

Key 7: Put Positive Psychology into Action

The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky

This book, written by a researcher in positive psychology, explores much of the recent research on happiness that explains how much of our experience of happiness can be changed and how we can go about doing so.

Finding Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

This groundbreaking book on the phenomenon of flow explains the concept further, and shows you in detail how to incorporate flow into your life. It is written by the lead researcher in the area and is an engaging read.

Authentic Happiness, at www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

This website, from top positive psychology researchers at the University of Pennsylvania, offers several resources that can help you to put the principles of positive psychology into action in your life. One of the most popular and applicable is the VIA Signature Strengths Survey, which I highly recommend.

Key 8: Practice Long-Term Resilience-Forming Habits

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, by Drs. Bob Stahl and Elisha Goldstein

This workbook provides a simple and applicable collection of activities and meditations that can help you to create a regular mindfulness and meditation practice. If you don’t have time to take a mindfulness-based meditation course, this book is a great alternative.

Changing for Good, by James Prochaska

This book discusses the stages of change in detail and walks you through the process in a thorough manner. If you were intrigued by the process of change that you read about in this book, you will find that Changing for Good provides some sound additional details that can help you to enact the changes that will improve your life the most.

References

Carrington, P. (2007). Modern forms of mantra meditation. In P. Lehrer, R. Woolfolk, & W. Sime (Eds.), Principles and practice of stress management (pp. 363–392). New York: Guilford Press.

Chafin, S., & Gerin, W. (2008). Improving cardiovascular recovery from stress with brief poststress exercise. Health Psychology, 27(Suppl. 1), S64–S72.

Cohn, M. A., Fredrickson, B. L., Brown, S. L., Mikels, J. A., & Conway, A. M. (2009). Happiness unpacked: Positive emotions increase life satisfaction by building resilience. Emotion, 9(3), 361–368.

Dainese, S. M., Allemand, M., Ribeiro, N., Bayram, S., Martin, M., & Ehlert, U. (2011, March). Protective factors in midlife: How do people stay healthy? GeroPsych: The Journal of Gerontopsychology and Geriatric Psychiatry, 24(1), 19-29.

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.

Friedberg, J. P., Suchday, S., & Srinivas, V. S. (2009). Relationship between forgiveness and psychological and physiological indices in cardiac patients. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 16, 205–211.

Forcier, K. (2006). Links between physical fitness and cardiovascular reactivity and recovery to psychological stressors: A meta-analysis. Health Psychology, 25(6), 723–739.

Froh, J. J., Sefick, W. J., & Emmons, R. A. (2008, April). Counting blessings in early adolescents: An experimental study of gratitude and subjective well-being. Journal of School Psychology, 46, 213–233.

Grossman, P., Niemann, L., Schmidt, S., & Walach, H. (2004). Mindfulness-based stress reduction and health benefits: A meta-analysis. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 57(1), 35–43.

Kristeller, J. (2007). Mindfulness meditation. In P. Lehrer, R. Woolfolk, & W. Sime (Eds.), Principles and practice of stress management (pp. 393–427). New York: Guilford Press.

Kuppens, P., Realo A., & Diener, E. (2008). The role of positive and negative emotions in life satisfaction judgment across nations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1), 66–75.

Lyubomirsky, S., Sousa, L., & Dickerhoof, R. (2006, April). The costs and benefits of writing, talking, and thinking about life’s triumphs and defeats. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 90(4), 692–708.

Maruta, T., Colligan, R. C., Malinchoc, M., & Offord, K. P. (2000, February). Optimists vs pessimists: Survival rate among medical patients over a 30-year period. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 75, 140–143.

Moskowitz, J. T., Epel, E. S., & Acree, M. (2008). Positive affect uniquely predicts lower risk of mortality in people with diabetes. Health Psychology, 27(1, Suppl), S73–S82.

Ostir, G. V., Markides, K. S., Black, S. A., & Goodwin, J. S. (2000). Emotional well-being predicts subsequent functional independence and survival. Journal of the American Geriatric Society, 48(5), 473–8.

Peterson, C. (2000). The future of optimism. American Psychologist, 55(1), 44–45.

Peterson, C. (2006). A primer in positive psychology. New York: Oxford University Press.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Authentic happiness: Using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillment. New York: Free Press.

Shapiro, S. L., Brown, K. W., & Biegel, G. M. (2007). Teaching self-care to caregivers: Effects of mindfulness-based stress reduction on the mental health in therapists in training. Training and Education in Professional Psychology, 1(2), 105-115.

Sime, W. (2007). Exercise therapy for stress management. In P. Lehrer, R. Woolfolk, & W. Sime (Eds.), Principles and practice of stress management (pp. 333–353). New York: Guilford Press.

Taylor, S. E. (2011). Health Psychology (8th ed.). Boston: McGraw-Hill Higher Education.

Wood, A. M., Joseph, S., Lloyd, J., & Atkins, S. (2009). Gratitude influences sleep through the mechanism of pre-sleep cognitions. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 66(1), 43–48.

Acknowledgments

I feel so fortunate to have this book published, as I believe that stress is one of the most relevant and timely topics in most people’s lives. It is my sincere desire to help others learn strategies that can enable them to improve their lives and experience greater fulfillment day to day. This book would not be in your hands without those who have offered me support, encouragement, and resources along the way, so I would like to offer my sincere gratitude to my friends, family, and colleagues. While all of them deserve my thanks, certain specific people deserve special mention.

First and foremost, I would like to offer my heartfelt gratitude to my series editor, Babette Rothshild, for creating this wonderful series and inviting me to be part of it; for providing wise and gentle guidance; and above all, for offering her support, which made the process of writing this book infinitely easier than it could have been. I would also like to extend my sincere appreciation to my editor, Deborah Malmud, for offering me the opportunity to publish this book. Her expert guidance and support was greatly appreciated, and I feel very fortunate to have worked with her. I would like to heartily thank everyone at W. W. Norton for working with me on this book; the whole process has been wonderful.

I can’t express enough appreciation for my husband, Jamey, and our sons, Jake and Cameron James, who make my life so rich and whose patience and encouragement were extremely important.

I would also like to thank my dear friend Elmarie Hyman, and my parents, Scotty and Jeanne Schuetz, for offering themselves as proofreaders. Having that extra bit of support really helped. I owe special thanks to Tom Head and Rod Brouhard for their advice, which helped me to move forward with writing this book. I really appreciated the support of my friends Kris Doyle and Laura Dolson, who, with Elmarie, acted as cheerleaders, motivators, and sounding boards during the process. My family, particularly Dann Schuetz, Heidi Atienza, and Cindy McCormmick, as well as my colleagues, cohorts, professors, and classmates, have aided me with their ideas, insights, thought-provoking questions, and encouragement throughout the years. I would like to thank all of my professors and mentors, particularly Dr. Emery Cummins, one of my earliest and most influential mentors. I owe quite a bit to Dr. Martin Seligman and the other passionate researchers in the field of positive psychology for their groundbreaking work. All of these people, plus several not mentioned by name (I trust you know who you are), have opened up new avenues of personal and professional growth for me, and this book would not have been written without them.

Index

Page numbers listed correspond to the print edition of this book. You can use your device’s search function to locate particular terms in the text.

abusive relationships, letting go of, 120

action list, making, 77

action stage, in Transtheoretical Model of Change, 13–14

acute stress, 4

adrenaline, 42

agreeableness, 82

Allen, D., 186

all-or-nothing thinking, 88

altruism, empathy and, 119

American Psychological Association, 129

anchoring, 176

anger

letting go of, empathy and, 119

releasing, loving kindness meditation and, 152

announcing intentions for change, benefits of, 179–80

anticipation, using power of, to your advantage, 134

antidepressants, 181

anxiety, 182

positive emotions and recovery from, 133

stress and, 7

appreciation, loving kindness meditation and, 152

arguments, letting go of needing to “win,” 118

arthritis, journaling and reducing symptoms of, 160

asthma, journaling and reducing symptoms of, 160

attitudes

changing, 9

stress and, 33–35

Authentic Happiness website, 187

autogenic training, 52

awareness, necessity of, 22–23

baby steps, toward change, 176

backup plans, creating, 177

balance, finding, in stress management plan, 168

baths, nighttime, sleep and, 72

Beck, A. T., 87

“Big Five” personality factors, 82

bingeing on food, avoiding, 64

boundaries

activity for setting, 115–16

for co-workers and friends, 106

difficult relationships and, 121

learning to say no to, 109

setting in relationships, 114–15

boundaries (continued)

sleep habits and, 71

unattainable demands at work and, 26

Brain Rules (Medina), 186

brainstorming, through solution-focused journaling, 163

breathing exercises, 55

how they work, 46–47

quick method for, 47–48

breathing meditation, 150–51

broaden-and-build theory, 132

Buddha’s Brain (Hanson and Mendius), 186

burnout

chronic stress and, 183

impossible demands at work and, 26

business owners, high client penalties for mistakes by, 27

busy schedules, missed sleep and, 70

caffeine

energy jolt and crash with, 62

sleep difficulties and, 71, 72, 76

calendar maintenance, 107

cancer, 32

career, gratification and, 141

caregiver situations, 29–30

challenging work, lack of, managing, 28

change

challenge of, 10–11

inertia and, 178

new model of, 12–15

stages of, 11–12, 176

Changing for Good (Prochaska), 188

check-ins for stress, throughout the day, 35–37

child care, stress tied to, 29

chocolate meditation, 97–98

chronic illnesses, extended life expectancy and, 32

chronic pain, journaling and reducing symptoms of, 160

chronic stress, 5, 147, 183

effects of, 44

minimizing negative effects of, 44–45

closeness in relationships, boundary setting and, 115

clutter, 106–7, 110

coach, hiring, 180–81

coaching, therapy vs., 181

cognitive distortions, 34–35, 87–89, 90–91

cognitive functioning

journaling and, 94, 160

positive emotions and, 133

commitment, to stress management, 166

communication, boundary setting and, 116

communication skills, working on, 116–17

commuting to work, de-stressing during, 42

concentrative meditative techniques, 148–49

confidence, coaches and, 181

conflict resolution

cooling down, 118

letting go of needing to “win,” 118

listening and, 118

respect in, 119

conflicts, working through, 85

conscientiousness, 82

contemplation stage, in Transtheoretical Model of Change, 12–13

contempt, as relationship killer, 124–25

contingency plans, creating, 177

cortisol, 42, 53

cravings, 63

exercise and levels of, 66

co-workers, setting boundaries with, 106

crisis, margin of error in, 104–5

crisis mode, 58

Crohn’s disease, stress and, 7

Csikszentmihalyi, M., 138, 187

cut-off relationships, 115

dancing, 156

date for making changes, choosing, 176–77

date nights, organizing, 125

deadline pressure, 58

Declaire, J., 187

de-cluttering

office desk, 106–7

plan for, 110

deep breathing, 42, 93–94

deep muscle relaxation (DMR), 50

dental care, 61

depression, 182

gratitude journaling and relieving symptoms of, 160, 163

impossible demands at work and, 26

stress and, 7

diabetes, unhealthy diet and, 62

diaphragmic breathing

defined, 48

yoga and, 155

diet

healthy, 60

poor, effects of, 61–62

saboteurs, 62–63

digestive issues, stress and, 6–7

disappointments

evaluating your answers about, 99–100

questions to ask yourself about, 99

disqualifying the positive, 88

distress, 3, 4

divorce, 123

DMR. see deep muscle relaxation (DMR)

downsizing, unclear work requirements and, 24

downward stress spiral, 59–60

dream journaling, 164

easiest stress relief changes, merits of making first, 174–75, 182

eating

emotional, 63

mindful, 65

eating habits, improving, 63–65

elderly relatives, caring for, 29

emotional eating, 63

emotional-processing journal, 94–95

emotional reasoning, 88

emotion-focused journaling, 160–62

empathy, cultivating, 119–20

energy, finite amount of, 104

enjoyable stress relief changes, merits of making first, 174–75, 182

Epicurus, 79

episodic stress, 4–5, 147

errands, streamlining, 108

eustress, 3–4

exercise, 64, 65–69, 75, 152–59, 166, 168, 173, 174

benefits of, 66, 152–53

building resilience with, 152–59

caveats, 153

changing, if necessary, 159

combining other stress relief techniques with, 154–55

consulting with doctor before starting regimen of, 159

goals for, 158–59

persistence and, 153–54

planning for, 157–59

problems arising from lack of, 66–67

realistic goals for, 68–70

regular, starting and maintaining, 68–69

saboteurs, 67

sleep and timing of, 72

start slowly and stay safe, 153

streamlining, 108

types of, 68, 155–57

exercise buddy, 68

exercise list, making, 77–78

extroversion, 82, 83

failure to thrive, 113

family members

asking them about your stress, 38

cut off relationships and, 121

fast-acting stress relievers, benefits of, 174

feelings, emotion-focused journaling and, 161

fight-or-flight response

activating, 42–43

role of perception and, 43–44

stress and triggering of, 41

Finding Flow (Csikszentmihalyi), 187

flow, 187

experiencing, 128

gratification and, 138–39

food, healthy, 64. see also diet; eating

forgiveness, empathy and, 119

frame of mind, importance of, 80

Frederickson, B., 132

freelancers, high client penalties for mistakes by, 27

friends, 83

asking them about your stress, 38

boundary setting and, 115

enjoying good times with, 136

exercising with, 68, 157

gratification and, 142

healthy eating with, 65

new, 126

setting boundaries with, 106

stress management and, 52–53

toxic, letting go of, 120–21

frustration, stress management and, 21

fun, exercise and, 157

game nights, organizing, 125

gentle approach, 183

Getting Things Done (Allen), 186–87

girls’ nights, organizing, 125

goal buddy, benefits related to, 179

goal-oriented journaling, 163–64

goals

announcing your intentions for, 179–80

backsliding on, 12

changing, 178

new, 182

Goldstein, E., 188

good times, remembering, 135

Google Calendar, 31

Gottman, J., 123, 124, 187

Gottman, J. S., 187

gratification(s), 137–44

common, 140

engaging in, 128

flow and, 138–39

pleasures vs., 139–40

working more into your life, 141–42

gratitude

cultivating feelings of, 142–44

everyday, 143–44

gratitude journaling

benefits with, 95

cataloging positive experiences in, 135

maintaining, 143

types of, 163

gratitude letter, 143

group activities

exercise and, 157–58

getting involved in, 126

gratification and, 142

gyms, joining, 68, 78

habits, healthy, 73–74

Hanson, R., 186

happiness

altering set point for, 83

enjoying good times and, 135

gratitude and, 142

gratitude journals and, 95

healthy relationships and, 113

hunt for, 128–29

optimism and, 87

positive emotions and, 133

positive psychology and, 130

health

gratitude and, 142

healthy relationships and, 112–13

involvement in religious communities and, 126

lack of exercise and impact on, 66–67

managing, stress and, 32

meditation and, 150

optimism vs. pessimism and, 87

positive emotions and, 133

wellness and, 60–61

health psychology, 95

healthy food, stocking kitchen with, 64

healthy habits

building on, 74–75

developing, time needed for, 73–74

making one change at a time, 76

small changes making a big difference, 75–76

heart disease, 7, 32

hectic schedules

feeling overwhelmed with, 30–31

managing, 31

hobbies, gratification and, 139, 140, 141

Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, 33

homeostasis, 45

hope, loving kindness meditation and, 152

How of Happiness, The (Lyubomirsky), 187

iCal, 31

I messages, using, 117

immune system

enhanced, healthy relationships and, 112

journaling and, 94, 160

stress and, 7

weakened, sleep difficulties and, 70

inborn traits, stress and, 82–83, 90

inertia, 178

intentions, announcing, 180

International Coaching Federation, 181

introversion, 82, 83

irritable bowel syndrome, stress and, 7

job

gratification and, 141

stress and, 24–28

journaling, 35, 94–95, 159–65

benefits of, 94, 160

building resilience with, 159–65

dream journaling, 164

emotional-processing journal, 94–95

emotion-focused, 160–62

forging new habit through, 55–56

getting started with, 164–65

goal-oriented, 163–64

gratitude journaling, 95, 135, 143, 163

managing emotional stress with, 64

as sleep aid, 72–73

solution-focused, 162–63

types of, 160

joy, 128

jumping to conclusions, 88

junk food, 62–63

Kabat-Zinn, Jon, xii, 149

kitchen, stocking with healthy food, 64

labeling, 88

learned helplessness, 22–23

Learned Optimism (Seligman), 186

least stressed place, operating from, 105

lethargy, lack of exercise and, 66

life adjustments, 32–33

life coaches, hiring, 180–81

life expectancy, chronic illnesses and, 32

life satisfaction, positive emotions and, 133

lifestyle, exercise built into, 158

lifestyle scan meditation, 37–38

listening

healthy communication and, 116

in relationships, 117–18

longevity

exercise and, 153

increased, healthy relationships and, 113

involvement in religious communities and, 126

positive emotions and, 133

long-term habits, short-term habits vs., 146–48

long-term techniques, in your plan for stress management, 170

loving kindness meditation (metta), 120, 152

lunch, stress management during, 106

Lyubomirsky, S., 187

magnification, 88

maintenance stage, in Transtheoretical Model of Change, 14

mantra meditation, 151

marriage, transforming, 187

martial arts, 146, 156

massages, 61

meal planning, streamlining, 108

Medina, J., 186

meditation, 45, 166, 168, 173

benefits of, 148, 149–50

breathing meditation, 150–51

building resilience with, 148–52

chocolate meditation, 97–98

concentrative, 148–49

gratification and, 140

lifestyle scan, 37–38

loving kindness meditation, 120, 152

mantra meditation, 151

mapping out small steps with, 176

mindfulness meditation, 149, 188

mindfulness practices and, 95

music meditation, 151

non-concentrative, 149

practicing, 51–52

sleep and, 73

thought-stopping exercise, 96–97

types of, 148–49

yoga and, 155

memories, enjoying, 135

Mendius, R., 186

mental factors, stress and, 81

mental filter, 88

metta (loving kindness meditation), 120, 152

mindful eating, 65

mindfulness

benefits of, 95

pleasure and, 134–35

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course, 97, 98

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook (Stahl and Goldstein), 188

mindfulness meditation, 149, 188

mini-meditation, 51–52, 96

minimization, 88

mislabeling, 88

mistakes, at work, managing, 27–28

motivation

coaches and, 181

goal buddies and, 179

for when times get tough, 178

music meditation, 151

narcissists, letting go of relationships with, 121

negative feelings, releasing, loving kindness meditation and, 152

negative interactions, in relationships, 123

negative thinking, 34

neuroticism, 82

new goals, setting, 182

new habits, choosing one major goal for, 175

non-concentrative meditation, 149

nutrition

poor, 57, 58

proper, 61

see also diet; eating; food

obesity, unhealthy diet and, 62

obstacles

overcoming, coaches and, 181

planning for, 177

office desk, maintaining, 106–7

openness to new experiences, 82

optimal functioning, 59

optimism, 85–87, 91, 98, 99

cultivating, 186

positive psychology and, 130

optimists, 80

oral hygiene, 61

orderly environment, maintaining, 106–7

organized sports, 156

overcommitting, learning to say no to, 108–9

overgeneralization, 88

Owner’s Manual, The (Oz), 186

Oz, M., 186

pain

chronic, journaling and reducing symptoms of, 160

decreased, enjoying good times and, 135

Paltrow, G., 158

panic attacks, 102

parents

stresses experienced by, 29

support groups for, 30

past experiences, 90

perceived threats, stress response and, 81

perceptions

caveat related to, 89–90

changing, 9

role of, 43–44

stress and, 33–35

persistence, plan for stress management and, 177–78

personal attacks, avoiding, 119

personal growth, remembering good times and, 135

personalization, 88

pessimism, 85–87, 90, 91, 98, 99

pessimists, 80

physical activity. see exercise

physical injury, avoiding while exercising, 67

physical resources, 83

Pilates, 156

plan for stress management, 167–84

announcing your intentions for, 179–80

changing tactics or goals, 178

choosing one major goal, 175

contingency planning and, 177

creating, why and how to do, 168–71

creating specific steps in, 176

criteria for, 170–71

determining areas to focus on, 172–73

finding a therapist, 181–82

finding right mix for, 168–69, 182

flexibility in, 170–71

goal buddy and, 179

hiring a coach, 180–81

ideal plan for you, questions to ask about, 169

key points to remember for, 182–83

making a list for, 171–72

making easiest or most enjoyable changes first, merits for, 174–75, 182

making most beneficial changes first, 173

making quickest-acting changes first, merits for, 173–74, 182

making slowest-acting changes first, merits for, 174

persistence and, 177–78

self-exploration and questions to ponder, 171

setting new goals in, 182

start date for, 176–77

vision of success for, 175–76

pleasure(s)

benefits of, 132–33

common, 131–32

enjoying, 128

evaluating your answers about, 144

gratification vs., 139–40

how they work--and stop working, 133–34

listing, 132

prolonging effectiveness of, 134–35

questions to ask yourself about, 144

savoring, 134–35

working more into your life, 135–37

PMR. see progressive muscle relaxation (PMR)

positive interactions, in relationships, 123

positive psychology, 95, 128, 186

dimensions in, 130–31

gratification in, 137–44

importance of, 129–30

popular interventions in, 131

putting into action, 187–88

savoring experiences and, 135

positive thinking, 87

precontemplation stage, in Transtheoretical Model of Change, 12

preparation stage, in Transtheoretical Model of Change, 13

proactive approach, to daily tasks, 108

Prochaska, J., 12, 14, 188

progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), 50–51

promotions, being passed over at work, 26

quick relief strategies, as first steps, merits of, 173–74, 182

recognition at work, low, managing, 26–27

relationships, 28–30

asking for what you need in, 107

being equitable in, 122

better health and, 112–13

caregiver situations, 29–30

cognitive distortions and conflict in, 88–89

contempt in, 124–25

developing skills for, 114–19

empathy in, 119–20

evaluating answers about, 127

relationships (continued)

facing issues as they arise within, 123–24

healthy, cultivating, 111–27, 187

I messages used in, 117

letting go of needing to “win” arguments in, 118

meeting new people, 122

not pushing your agenda in, 124

positive experiences over negative ones in, 123

questions to ask yourself about, 126–27

toxic, 29

working on communication skills in, 116–17

relatives, cut off relationships and, 121

relaxation breathing, 46–48, 93–94

relaxation response

body equipped with, 43

visualizations and, 49

relaxation techniques, 45, 46

autogenic training, 52

breathing exercises, 46–48

evaluating your answers related to, 54

finding support, 52–53

getting started with, 54–56

mini-meditation, 51–52

progressive muscle relaxation, 50–51

questions to ask yourself about, 53–54

self-hypnosis, 51

visualizations, 48–50

religious communities, health and involvement in, 126

resilience, 83

altering level of, 10

building, 145, 147

exercise and, 152–59

journaling and, 159–65

meditation and, 148–52

resilience-forming habits, long-term, practicing, 188

resources

beliefs about, 83

increasing, 9–10

respect, in healthy relationships, 119

restaurants, with healthy food, 64

Richardson, C., 187

rituals, pleasure-based, creating, 137

rubber-band-snap technique, 92

rumination, 34, 36, 89, 91, 135

running, 156

sarcasm, avoiding, 119

schedule

exercise built into, 158

optimizing, for stress management, 31

sedentary lifestyle

integrating exercise into, 67

stress and, 57, 58

self-care, 146

caregiving and need for, 30

evaluating your answers about, 77

exercise, 65–69

importance of, 58–61

proper nutrition, 61–65

questions to ask yourself about, 76–77

resources, 186

sleep, 69–73

self-confidence, gratification and, 138

self-employment, managing work requirements and, 25

self-esteem

gratification and, 138, 140

toxic relationships and, 113

self-hypnosis, 51

self-neglect, downward spiral of, 57–58

self-talk, altering, for more optimistic outlook, 173

Seligman, M., 129, 186

Selye, Hans, xi

short-term habits, long-term habits vs., 146–48

short-term techniques, in your plan for stress management, 170

should statements, 88

sick or disabled relatives, caring for, 29

skills, gratification and, 138, 140

sleep, 75

environment conducive to, 72

improving, 71–73

inadequate, 57, 58, 60

missed, effects of, 69–70

saboteurs, 70–71

safeguarding, 69

underlying medical issues and, 71, 73

slowest-acting changes, making first, merits of, 174

social bonds, gratification and, 142

social circle

being equitable in, 122

being proactive about, 113

enhancing, 9

meeting new people, 122

positive experiences vs. negative experiences and, 123

rich, benefits of, 113

social media, 125

social resources, 83

social supports, enhancing, 125–26

sociopaths, letting go of relationships with, 121

Socrates, 101

solution-focused journaling, 162–63

Stahl, B., 188

stonewalling, avoiding, 119

“stop” thinking, 92–93

streamlining daily tasks, 107–8

stress

acute, 4

attitudes and perspectives related to, 33–35

awareness about, 22–23, 35

changing level of, 9

chronic, 5

cognitive distortions and, 87–89

common sources of, 23–35

deep-seated issues and, 181

downward spiral of, 57–58

effects of, 6–7

episodic, 4–5

evaluating answers to questions about, 39–40

frustration and, 21

habitual attitudes and, 84–85

importance of self-care and, 58–61

inborn traits and, 82–83

meaning of, 1–2

mental factors and, 81

past experiences and, 84

stress (continued)

questions to ask yourself about, 39

rating main areas of your life for, 38–9

sleep difficulties and, 70

sources of, 6

strengthening resources and, 83

thought patterns contributing to, 85–90

toll of, 105

too much, signs of, 7–8

understanding, 8, 20

unmanaged, lack of exercise and, 66

work and, 24–28

Stress.about.com, 185

stress check-in log, 36

stress hormones, xi

stressing, what is meant by, 2

stress journal, maintaining, 35

stress management, 10

continuing on journey with, 183–84

evaluating your answers about, 166

goal of, 183

gratification and, 138–39

long-term vs. short-term habits and, 146–48

meditation and, 148–52

multifaceted plan for, 168, 170

questions to ask yourself about, 165–66

resources, 185–88

Stress of Life, The (Selye), xi

stressors, xi, 6

cutting out, 105–6

defined, 1

evaluating your answers related to, 109–10

exploring through solution-focused journaling, 162

frame of mind and, 80

questions to ask yourself about, 109

resources for cutting down on, 186–87

stress response, 146

breathing meditation and, 150

purpose of, 5

quickly reversing, 185

success

evaluating your answers about, 99–100

questions to ask yourself about, 98–99

sugar, 62

support groups, for parents and caregivers, 30

supportive relationships, 60

swimming, 156

synergy, goal buddies and, 179

Take Time for Your Life (Richardson), 187

talents, gratification and, 138, 140

“tend-and-befriend” response, 52

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (Gottman, Gottman, and Declaire), 187

termination stage, in Transtheoretical Model of Change, 14, 15

therapists, finding, 181–82

therapy, coaching vs., 181

thinking styles, key points about, 90–91

thought-changing exercises

deep breathing, 93–94

rubber-band-snap technique, 92

“stop” thinking, 92–93

thought stopping, 91–92

thought patterns

habitual, 90

stress and, 85–90

thought-stopping

benefits of, 91–92

exercise, 96–97

threat, fight-or-flight response and perception of, 43–44

time management, 186–87

analysis for, 31

learning, 107

paying attention to, 40

to-do lists, 107

tolerations

cutting out, 110

identifying and eliminating, 103

toll of, 103–4

toxic relationships, 29

how to let go of, 121–22

stress level and, 113

when to let go of, 120–21

traffic jams, de-stressing during, 42

Transtheoretical Model of Change, 12, 76

unattainable demands at work, managing, 25–26

understanding, mutual, in healthy relationships, 118, 119

vacations, passing up on, 31

VIA Signature Strengths Survey, 188

vision of success, creating, 175–76

visualizations, 168

how they work and benefits of, 48–50

in loving kindness meditation, 152

walking, 155–56

weight gain, 62

weight training, 156

Weight Watchers, 65, 176

Wellcoaches, contacting, 181

wellness

empathy and, 119

enjoying good times and, 135

exercise and, 66

health and, 60–61

wellness coaching, 180

Wolf, Christiane, xii

work

gratification at, 141

hectic schedules at, 31

high penalties for mistakes at, 27–28

lack of challenge at, 28

low recognition at, 26

unattainable demands at, 25–26

unclear requirements at, 24–25

workouts, scheduling, 158

worksheets, 185

yoga

relaxed breathing and, 47

stress relief, healthy living and, 155

Copyright

Copyright © 2013 by Elizabeth Anne Scott

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Printed in the United States of America

First Edition

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Scott, Elizabeth Anne.

8 keys to stress management : simple and effective strategies

to transform your experience of stress / Elizabeth Anne Scott ;

foreword by Babette Rothschild. — First edition.

pages cm. — (8 keys to mental health series)

“A Norton Professional Book.”

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-393-70809-7 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-393-70847-9 (e-book)

1. Stress management.

I. Title. II. Title: Eight keys to stress management.

RA785.S394 2013

155.9'042—dc23

2012045877

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