OLD

©2021, Sue Zeno

Cover Image Aleutie Illustrations, Shutterstock and Cartoonstock

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN: 978-1-64970-516-7

ISBN eBook: 978-1-09835-088-8

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to The Cat In The Hat who so candidly expressed his views on aging when he said the following:

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh my God what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad-can you tell?

My body’s drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years

Have come at last

The Golden Years

Can kiss my ass!

—Dr. Seuss

AUTHOR’S PLEA

Please buy my book for yourself and your friends. I am old – very old – and I need the cash so this last chapter of my life can be fairly comfortable and I can (God forbid) avoid wiping down tables in fast food joints, or standing on my painful feet greeting you at the local department store, or waving the advertising sign for the corner business in the sweltering heat. This book is written with YOU in mind. There is only one version (LARGE PRINT). It is fairly short, as we have discovered (to our dismay) our eye-sight and retention skills decline as we age. So, please go find your 375 prescription glasses and your magnifying glass, sit back and enjoy. Whoever said “old age ain’t for sissies” was right on. Now, read on!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1

RUDE AWAKENING

Chapter 2

OLDOMETER TEST

Chapter 3

I CAN’T FIND MY CAR

Chapter 4

TURN OFF THE TV & DON’T OPEN YOUR MAIL

Chapter 5

TO DO AND NOT TO DO

Chapter 6

THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF AGING

Chapter 7

WHAT’S AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Chapter 8

YES YOU CAN

Chapter 9

AGING AROUND THE WORLD

Chapter 10

YOUR LAST HURRAH

Chapter 1

RUDE AWAKENING

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

— Terry Pratchett

All of a sudden you wake up one day, look in the mirror and say “What the Hell Happened?!?! I’m old!!” Aging should not be worse than prepping for a colonoscopy or as painful as undergoing a root canal without Novocaine, but it often is. The moron who coined the term Golden Years should be tarred and feathered. Golden Years? My ass.

The inevitable changes that accompany aging can be compared to a freaking train wreck. And no matter how much beet juice you drink and greens you ingest these changes are unavoidable. The only thing you have control over is how you react to the process, and what kind of attitude you adapt. You have to say to yourself “Yes I am old. But this is better than being in a box or having your ashes spread over the Pacific Ocean. Getting old is definitely better than the alternative.”

On second thought, you might question the mirror’s image because honestly at first you thought you were looking at your mother. Maybe you’re in denial or genuinely confused. It’s understandable.

Chapter 2

OLDOMETER TEST

You know you are old when your back goes

out more than you do.

— Anonymous

Okay we can agree to agree that we look old compared to our glory years, but are we really old? I mean, the universe is over five billion years old, and it is still expanding. Isn’t age “just a number” as I hear the young people always say?

Well, lucky for you, we have developed a scientific process even more accurate than carbon dating and less invasive than an autopsy. It is time for you to take the Oldometer Test (trademark not pending because we forgot to mail in our application).

First, find a corkscrew and pour yourself a glass (or two) of your favorite vino, or prepare your favorite cocktail.

Second, grab a pen, and mark all of the following that apply to you.

Third, take a deep breath, count your results, and carry on!

READY……. SET……. GO!!!!

You know you are old if-

- Your doctor looks younger than Doogie Howser, M.D.

- You do not remember who Doogie Howser is.

- You used carbon paper.

- You wake up with hangovers when you didn’t drink the night before.

- You have confused your microwave and computer.

- You’ve been “stuck” in an elevator but you really just forgot to push a button.

- A “late night” means you were still up at 9 P.M.

- You’ve bought diapers for your grandchildren and yourself.

- You can’t remember your last “all-nighter”.

- You define “all-nighter” as sleeping through the night without peeing.

- You have bought a movie ticket with a single coin.

- You mistakenly used a calculator trying to call cousin Betty.

- After scrolling down for eight minutes, you realize the credit card application does not list your birth year as an option.

- You remember when socks were white or black, and tennis shoes were only for tennis.

- Your kids do not let you use appliances at their house (which is okay because you can’t operate those crazy complicated machines anyways!)

- You have to set the alarm to watch Saturday Night Live.

- You always miss your alarm for Saturday Night Live, but wake up an hour later to pee.

- You believe “thong” has one definition and is exclusively for your feet.

- Your underarms could power a sailboat with enough wind in the right direction.

- The grocer asks if you need help carrying out the lone loaf of bread you bought.

- You never have to ask for your senior discount.

- You are always getting honked at when you drive.

- You never hear the other drivers honking at you.

- You wear clothes inside out, and it is not on purpose as a fashion statement.

- You remember perms.

- You sunbathed with baby oil.

- You recall the DA haircut.

- No one wants to borrow your clothes.

- Everything hurts and nothing works.

- Happy hour means taking a nap.

- The candles on your birthday cake cost more than the cake ( Bob Hope)

- When you buy sexy underwear and the cashier immediately gift wraps it. (Joan Rivers)

- When you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. (George Burns)

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have survived the gauntlet known as the Oldometer Test. Now the hard part, counting past five! If you need help tallying your score, grab some of your pennies or the hard candies you have had in that same bowl since 1992

OLDOMETER RESULTS

(HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY?)

0-2: Babe in Arms (and you have no idea what that means)

3-4: Spring Chicken (still with a social life)

5-6: Gassy McGasface (food is not going down as well, time to load up on Tums and Pepto)

7-8: Bingo Superstar (in the prime of your career) but please do not drive there or anywhere else ever again

9-10: Petrified Prune: Holy crap you are getting old!

11-13: Fortunate One: You are the luckiest person with great fortunes ahead. Just kidding, if you checked 11- 13 you are surely too old to be alive.

14 and Up: Yikes! Drink some more. You are truly old and words from this book can’t help you.

Now kids, while your results may be shocking, this is not the time to despair. Though we are old, this is not the time to give up and lay down! As a great philosopher once said, “Cherish today because it is the youngest you will be the rest of your days.” I mean, think about it, in five years (if you make it that far), you will look back at yourself today reading this book and would give every penny you have left to trade places with your five year younger self.

Chapter 3

I CAN’T FIND

MY CAR

As you get older three things happen.

The first is the memory goes and I can’t remember the others.

— Norman Wisdom

Many people park their car, go shopping and exit the store or mall and can’t quite remember where they parked their car. Okay, so granted maybe this happens to people of various ages once or twice a year, but once or twice a week is a different story and smells of one of the pitfalls of aging. Let’s face it, losses are a part of the aging process and memory loss is the red herring whether it is losing your keys or losing your car or simply forgetting things.

Have you heard the joke where the older man asks an elderly lady how old does she think he is? She studies him for a minute and then tells him to turn around and drop his pants. He obliges. “You are 94” she exclaims excitedly. “Why yes” he responds. “But how did you know?” “You told me yesterday” she replies.

People often associate that four letter word “gray” with old and synonymous with loss and there is evidence that they are all connected. Sometimes these losses happen slowly and creep along without much notice or alarm and other times they appear forcefully like a big boom having the impact of a dropping bomb. So perhaps it is time to take inventory and see where you stand in this “Sea of Loss”. Are you ready to take the loss test? You know the drill. Grab your wine or cocktail, fetch a pencil , and remember honesty is the only policy.

In the last two years have you experienced any of the following losses?

____ Loss of car

____ Loss of memory

____ Loss of keys

____ Loss of purse or wallet

____ Loss of vision

____ Loss of hearing

____ Loss of muscle tone

____ Loss of sleep

____ Loss of hair

____ Loss of sex drive

____ Loss of relationships

____ Loss of employment

____ Loss of financial security

____ Loss of appetite

____ Loss of continence

____ Loss of phone

____ Loss of phone number

____ Loss of marbles

____ Loss of virility

Okay, so now you have finished the test and it is time to tabulate your score. Hopefully you won’t need a calculator.

Loss Score Results

1-2 marks - no big deal! Why are you reading this book?

3-5 marks- getting there

6-9 marks- panic time you are a loser-reserve your room at the loss of memory facility before you forget

10 or more- Alarms go off! You are a complete loser! Don’t leave your home alone and make sure your affairs are in order!

Oh sweet Jesus, you say to yourself-what in the world are you going to do now? We’ll don’t despair because you are not alone. Most seniors including yourself would have to be blind or dumb not to realize that these losses are normal and for many of them there are solutions to help resolve these issues and most seniors have the wherewithal to know where to seek assistance and what to steer clear of.

Chapter 4

TURN OFF THE

TV & DON’T OPEN YOUR MAIL

You can’t help getting older but you

don’t have to be old.

— George Burns

That’s right, it is time to turn off the TV or if you can mute the commercials because that is where ageism in our country perpetuates itself and is rampant! The constant barrage of blaring and blasting and fear mongering targeting the elderly and their caretakers is obscene, offensive and just pure garbage.

Let’s begin by examining the commercials about falling. You’ve probably watched the footage a hundred times. You know, the scene where a woman with a shrieking shrill voice is clamoring “Help Help I’ve fallen in the fishpond and can’t get up!!! Help help.” Or the man yelling “I’ve fallen off a cliff and can’t move.” Okay, so granted falling is a fear and a reality for many seniors. However, there are measures that reasonable adults can take to address the problem in a sane way. There are balance exercises, and there are aides such as walking sticks. There is the idea of always going out with a companion when exploring unfamiliar terrain. Other solutions perhaps get a roommate or organize a wellness check with a neighbor. Finally there is the medical device to summon help in emergencies but there is no reason for it to be a hysterical call and reaction as portrayed on TV. These suggestions are just common sense.

Moving on we are familiar with listening to commercials claiming to improve memory and increase brain power. As far as memory goes does it really matter to you if it is Monday or Tuesday? Can’t remember your mother’s favorite perfume? Well that’s okay because she has been dead for 5 years.

Once again you forget your son-in-law’s birthday. Good news it is no big deal because he rarely remembers yours. And regarding brain power you are smart enough to know how old you and where to cash your social security check without any supplements. Why should you ingest ingredients that come from the belly of a jellyfish for God’s sake?

And what about the products like a walk in bathtub or whole life insurance that are peddled promoting a “lifetime” guarantee? Well any fool knows that this doesn’t mean a whole lot when you make the purchase at age 81! And moving on and up let us mention the motorized elevator chair that takes you up and down the stairs and allows some seniors to stay in their two story homes. It is frightening as hell to look at one let alone strap yourself in and take a ride in it.

And then there are the condescending ads where the kindly lady --sometimes a familiar face -- suggests in a subtle way that Mom might be losing it and would most likely be a good match with one of their facilities. She offers the offspring “A Place for Mom” options.

Then you have the testosterone and erectile dysfunction ads that instruct men to call the doctor if their erection lasts for more than four hours? Call the doctor? That’s nuts because if you are experiencing an erection at this age, you need to call for an ambulance because you are probably headed for a heart attack!

Finally, we would be remiss if we failed to mention the numerous pee and poop commercials. It’s as if some marketing genius believes constipation is a buzzword for seniors and incontinence is cocktail party talk. Don’t poop enough? Poop too much? Try this! Pee in the wrong places? Pee in your pants? Wear this!

Which brings us to the topic which is demeaning to many seniors, “Designer Diapers.” Sold on the pretense that they are chic and appealing, the clever marketers peddling these products fail to mention that the models advertising these diapers are thirty two years old and very sexy.

Besides trying to avoid overload on all the TV commercials it is also smart to try and screen the mail you receive. Someone, somewhere told all these businesses and groups that you are old and therefore you find yourself bombarded with literature about aging and yes dying! From the appearance of the envelope it appears to be a greeting card from your niece, but it turns out to be a pitch for you to purchase your cremation package or plot now. You know, that effective business strategy, buy now-die later.

And then there are the offers for a free lunch or dinner if you agree to attend an event where they pitch their hearing aids or bifocals. At this point you are tempted to write on envelope Return to sender-too late addressee deceased.

Chapter 5

TO DO AND NOT TO DO

Growing old is mandatory,

but growing up isn’t.

—Walt Disney

Okay let us start with the premise that there is more to aging than drinking a 6 pack of ensure, playing bingo and welcoming new liver spots everyday. Yes there is more to aging than this but you have to carefully plot your course. The good news is that there are measures you can undertake to maybe not totally avoid but at least delay and accept the aging process. Here are some tips, sort of a go to guide to ease the journey by employing the art of aging with attitude.

THINGS TO AVOID

- Reading the obituaries

- Bathing suits

- 3 Dimensional mirrors

- Giving surprise birthday parties for seniors

- Commuter lane on the freeway

- Freeways in general

- Boxed wine, Tv dinners, and instant coffee in styrofoam cups

- Nudist camps and topless beaches

- Class reunions

- Funerals

- Nursing homes

- Negative people

- Online profiles that seem too good to be true

- Stupid people

- Hypochondriacs

- Buildings with seven stories and no elevator

- Nosebleed section in the stadium (row Z)

- Bathroom scales

- Poligrip

[For women only]

Sleeveless, backless dresses or any clothing that reveals skin. Online profiles that want to take long walks on the beach and smack of inflated claims

[For men only]

Toupees, high socks, leisure suits, do it yourself hair dyes Hawaiian shirts with plaid pants Spray on hair dye

THINGS TO FORGET

- Your first husband/wife

- Your second husband/wife

- Divorce court

- Losing a job that you loved

- Losing a house

- Losing a friend over petty issues

- Food poisoning and kidney stones

- Your net worth

- Raising teenagers

- Bad parent teacher conferences

- Cranky neighbors

[For women only]

Your 24 hours of labor before childbirth, menopause

[For men]

Your vasectomy, going bald

THINGS TO EMBRACE

- Good friends and good times

- Grandchildren

- Good food, great wine, good coffee

- Good books, and good music and movies

- Nature and the outdoors

- New hobbies and interests

- Massage and moderate exercise

- Reading glasses and magnifying glasses

- Your heating pad and Bengay

- Your pain intervention doctor

- Your comfortable bed and pillow

- Your good health

- Meaningful volunteer opportunities

- New challenges and ideas

- Waking up everyday!

THINGS TO ACCEPT

- Yourself!!!

- Your age!!!

- Wrinkles, wrinkles and more wrinkles

THINGS TO REMEMBER

- Your name, DOB and address

- Your social security and medicare card

- Your knee brace, back brace and cane

- Your pill box ,teeth and hearing aid

- And most of all your sense of humor!!!

The foregoing tips will enhance your journey in the final chapters of your life but in no way will they allow you to avoid the aging process. No matter how much cream you apply to your face or hair dye you use or Botox you inject, age happens. You must decide how to handle it.

Some fools claim that 50 is the “New 30” or 70 is the “New 40.” Baloney. That is like saying the Titanic didn’t sink, jail is just a room or World War II didn’t happen. 50 is 50 and 70 is 70, sorry. There is no getting around it.

There are some pundits however who see a positive side of aging. Time to read their proclamations in the next chapter, but first have another sip of wine or your cocktail Whoops the bottles are almost empty! So take out your accordion or sit at the piano and sing this merry song to the melody of “These are a Few of my Favorite Things” from the movie Mary Poppins before moving on to the next chapter

My Favorite Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings

Bundles of magazines tied up in a string

These are a few of my favorite things

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in a glass

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings

These are a few of my favorite things

When the pipes leak, when the bones creek

When the knees go bad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel so bad

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions

Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring

These are a few of my favorite things

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning

And we don’t mention our short shrunken frames

When we remember our favorite things

When the joints ache, when the hip breaks

When the eyes grow dim

Then I remember the great life I’ve had

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Chapter 6

THE POSITIVE

ASPECTS OF AGING

As I have grown older I’ve learned that

pleasing everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

—Michel Gerard

You might be thinking “What’s up with this title?” What could one possibly claim is positive about aging? Well, welcome to the world of illusions, delusions and make believe. Actually there are tons of writers and pundits who give witness to and record the great things about getting older. These idiots write and publish two hundred to three hundred page books about “The joys of aging”-material that could be covered in three paragraphs at most. And, unfortunately for every author of these ridiculous books there are hundreds of fools who buy them and religiously read these fictional accounts.

The late incomparable writer and comedian Nora Ephron once said in her book I Feel Bad About My Neck “Every so often I read a book about age, and whoever’s writing it says it’s great to be old. It’s great to be wise and mellow; it’s great to be at a point where you understand just what matters in life. I can’t stand people like that,Don’t they have necks?”

Well let’s take a sober look at some of the so called “joys of aging”. To begin with if you were fortunate to have children and now are blessed with grandchildren that certainly can be counted as a joy. How wonderful it is to be with them especially when they are little. It is fun to get down on the floor and play with them, but can you get up? And how about reading storybooks to them with your macular degeneration or why not take the little ones to a local restaurant and experience your dentures falling out when you bite into the ribs. And then to top it all off your four year old grandaughter Cathy asks you why you have stripes on your face.

Next on the list of joys of aging is the joy of relationships. If you are lucky you have established long lasting friendships over the years. However, the problem is that your friends often move to other cities, and even worse pass to other places in the “afterlife.” Far too often you find yourself pulling out that little black dress or black suit from your closet to wear to their funerals where you will once again sing Ava Maria. And God only knows how you pray that with your aching back they won’t ask you to be a pallbearer.

We are not through with listing and debunking the joys. How about the senior discount for example. Isn’t it great that you get a free cup of coffee on Mondays, pay 5 dollars at the movies instead of 10 or best yet get that 10% off at Ross on Tuesdays? All of these benefits are dependent on you having any cash left over for shopping and entertainment after you have paid for your bifocals, hearing aids and prescription drugs not covered by Medicare.

Another joy claimed by these storytellers is that if you were savvy enough to achieve financial security that is a blessing and at last you are free to do whatever you want everyday, as long as you are healthy. You know you can relax, stress less and not worry about your career anymore and yes you can sleep in.

Well, don’t throw that alarm clock out just yet! Have you looked around lately and noticed all the grey and bald heads working at the grocery stores, the home improvement stores and restaurants in your town? It is a sad reality as many times through no fault of their own but due to inflation, poor financial choices, the crash of the real estate markets, the shutdown of pensions, unexpected staggering health expenses and just bad luck many seniors find themselves in a tenuous financial situation. Some find themselves struggling to make ends meet and in some cases moving in with relatives and declaring bankruptcy. So it just isn’t true that most seniors are playing three rounds of golf a day at the country club, taking painting and pilate classes, and going on luxury cruises in Europe and throughout the world.

So goodbye to that myth.

Now let’s take a look at one of the final fake virtues about aging where writers state it is great to get older because you have accumulated a lifetime of knowledge and yes you can answer many questions. The truth is however, no one is asking. In addition, while it is true that you should be able to solve a myriad of problems the reality is you can’t remember half of the information you have acquired. Memory loss affects seniors in different degrees.

Another attribute of aging is that you can say what you want, when you want and to whom you want, but more often than not no one is listening. Now that we have debunked some aging myths let’s take a look at some that are credible. Seniors often hurl insults at others, including close relatives and often get away with it.

Have you heard the story of the senior couple on the highway where the hard of hearing wife is driving. She is exceeding the speed limit and pulled over by a state trooper. “What is he saying? “she asks her husband.

“He says you were going 80mph and wants to see your license.” She hands it over. “Oh” says the trooper “I see you’re from Ohio. I once met a woman there and it was the worst sex I have ever had!” “What’s he saying, what’s he saying?” asked the hard of hearing wife. Her husband replied, “He thinks he knows you.”

Besides being blunt another positive aspect of getting older is that you can defy social norms. There is the tale of the older man at the Superbowl sitting in an excellent seat with the seat next to him vacant. Another fan with a terrible seat approached the senior and asked “Is that your seat also?” The senior replied “that was my wife’s seat, but she died” The fan continued” Well don’t you have a relative or close friend that you could offer it to? “Not really” the senior replied, “They’re all at her funeral!”

One more great thing that some profess about aging is that you can wear whatever you want wherever you go. Gone are the days when you were a slave to the fashion police. Granted there is something to say about self-expression but it is another thing to prance around town looking like a Barnum and Bailey clown. It can be seen everywhere. You know, men out and about in the afternoon sporting pajama bottoms or wearing plaid bermuda shorts with Hawaiian shirts and high white socks. Or the women dressed in ridiculous decorated muumuus, going braless and yes of course wearing purple as aptly expressed in the poem “When I am Old I shall Wear Purple.”

When I am old I shall wear purple

With a red hat that doesn’t go

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals

And say we have no money for butter

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick the flowers in other peoples gardens

And learn to spit

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausage

Or only bread and pickle for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats

And things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children

We will have friends for dinner and read the papers

But maybe I ought to practice a little now

So people who know me

Are not too shocked or surprised

When suddenly I am old

AND START TO WEAR PURPLE!

There are some final advantages to being older, like:

- Kidnappers are not very interested in you

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

- No one expects you to run into a burning building

- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who is in the room

- Your eyes won’t get much worse

- Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than live doppler

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size

- You don’t have to ever go into the DMV because you don’t drive anymore

- You are no longer at risk for sexually transmitted diseases (because you haven’t had sex in 20 years

So when one considers the pros and cons of aging the cons seem to take the lead. What are you going to do, put your head in a blender and turn it on high? Not a good idea. What you can do however, is to check out the stories of some exceptional seniors who have refused to be defined as old and decrepit and have performed outside the box and will probably never step foot as a resident in an old persons’ home.

Chapter 7

WHAT’S AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

It does not matter how fast you go as

long as you keep moving.

—Confucius

It’s a bird, It’s a plane, It’s a rocket ship! No it’s a Super Senior performing extraordinary feats-daring acts that defy believability and reason. Who are these incredible individuals? Well to be clear many of them don’t want to advertise their actions or reveal their location and identity and prefer to maintain some level of anonymity for fear if their kids found out what they were up to they would send them to the looney farm and worse yet if their health and life insurance were privy to their activities they would cancel their policies. Out of respect for these realities we will honor their desire for some privacy and mention them by first name only-some of them who are still going strong and a few who have passed away. HERE WE GO!

- Georgia H: age 100 this thrill seeking granny Jumped out of a plane and swam with the sharks

- Ivy B:oldest tightrope walker at age 82

- Teichi I: Climbed Mt. Fuji at age 99

- Barbara H: One of the oldest and first black woman to reach the North Pole at age 75

- Christine B : Climbed the Great Wall at age 80

- Katherine P: Beat the world record for swimming the butterfly at age 86

- Margaret R: Flew around the world at age 80

- Paul S: Finished his 14th marathon at age 92

- Tatyana F: Age 60 Strongest woman in the world Lifted 440 lbs of weight.

- Joe R: Age 103 strong man moved 3200 lbs. With his back and bent a quarter with his teeth

- Dale D: Age 78 He bowled a perfect game of 300 for a score and he was legally blind

- Keiko F: Age 99 Judo instructor- pioneer for women

- Allan J : Age 80 Rodeo star and champion

- Olga K: Age 92 Track star- 20 world records, long jump,shot put, sprints and javelin

- Thomas I. Age 68 Invented the dumb bell and could lift 178 lbs with one hand

- Fauja S: Age 101 runner who ran his last race at this age

- Geneva E :Age 92 skydiving champion

- Charlie E. Age 96 Archery gold medal winner

- Lew H. 82 Oldest Ironman competitor in world

Wow you may be thinking- These folks are incredible! Okay hooray for these guys, but at the same time you realize there is a 99% chance that you will ever perform in this capacity or run into one of them in your lifetime. There is some hope however. You have read one or two articles about the so-called Joys of Aging and even though you dismiss much of what they suggest you are intrigued by the one message they offer. They claim the senior years are the time to embark on some adventurous and new challenges. Go for it, they write. Try something new, bold and daunting. What do you have to lose? After all, this is it! There is no dress rehearsal here. This is your final act.

So you think about this a bit, sip a little more vino or cocktail and bingo some ideas pop into your head,

You take a personal inventory and revisit your history. You realize you always liked the outdoors and it would be fun to buy some hiking boots, so you guessed it you decide to take up mountain climbing. Your plan includes hiring some guides and training for scaling Mt.Hood. You silly fool Don’t you know that you can’t climb Mt, Hood or any other mountain when it is a fact that on some mornings you have difficulty climbing out of bed! Okay cross that idea off your list.

Hmm moving forward you come up with another brilliant idea, You recall when you were younger you liked to run. In fact you remember coming in 3rd place in the Turkey Trot Race when you were in fifth grade. You also realize you have had a lifelong desire to visit Spain.

Put the two together and what do you get? Yes the brilliant idea of traveling to Spain and running with the bulls. What a great photo that would make for your next Christmas card. Okay bozo, before you invest in expensive running shoes and a plane ticket to Spain you need to understand that in doing this you will get a good spearing in the ass and might not live to mail out that holiday card. So, hasta la vista to Spain and scratch this nutty idea off your bucket list.

But you are not a quitter. You are left with one final thought. You recall your year on the 7th grade swim team. You were passionate about the water. It makes sense to return to the water which was long ago a place where you were happy. The ocean breezes call to you. The big waves capture your imagination. Yes go for it! Ride the big waves in Hawaii. Hold on here buddy because before you don your wetsuit, apply sunscreen and mount your surfboard at Sunset Beach you need to take into account that you’re not 15 anymore and at your current age you definitely have some issues with water. How can you possibly think you can ride the 15 foot waves when in fact sometimes you need help getting in and out of your walk in whirlpool bathtub!!

Okay so it is time to man up and face the fact that you are not going to be the poster child for the senior olympics. In addition you need to make a “not to do list” Your “not to do list should include skateboarding, roller or ice skating, wearing a speedo or bikini, frequenting nude beaches, dropping in at single bars, jumping on a trampoline, trying out for the roller derby, eating fast foods or lifting heavy objects and finally driving after dark. It is time to get on with it and establish a realistic list of activities and projects you might actually successfully undertake.

Chapter 8

YES YOU CAN

Believe you can, and you are halfway there.

—Theodore Roosevelt

Please take a second, and think back to your younger years and try to recall the many dreams and aspirations you had that you didn’t pursue. Perhaps you envisioned yourself as a dancer and just never got around to work towards that goal. Some say it’s never too late. Well, face it at age 73 you are not going to land a spot in the chorus line of a Las Vegas musical or be chosen to join the Rockettes but you certainly could sign up for a line dancing or ballroom dancing class at the senior center in your town.

On another note maybe you foresaw your future as an actor. The truth is the chances are slim to nothing that at your age and with your inexperience in this craft that you will be selected for a role in a Broadway production. Once again however there is the possibility for you to get involved in your community theater and volunteer as an usher, stagehand or even try out for a small part.

Another thought and hope that you had along the way was to become a published writer and produce a great American novel. Surprise , that dream didn’t materialize either, but at your age you still could sit down at your computer and chronicle your life in a memoir. True it won’t make the New York Times bestselling list but it would most likely make for an interesting read for your future generations.

The message in these vignettes is to motivate you to identify past dreams and try to incorporate them in a modified manner and find activities that are reasonable and attainable for you to participate in at your age today.

If you are more ambitious and energetic you might want to consider embarking on a new career or expanding on a previous one. There are several examples of individuals who have had late in life success stories-many of them household names. Begin with actress Judith Dench who became famous on screen and on stage at age 60. And of course there is Martha Stewart, designer, actress, author and entrepreneur who made it all happen later in life after switching from a wall street career. Then we have Harland Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame who following several failures and job losses found enormous success at age 65. Actor Rodney Dangerfield who became well known and sought after as a comedian in his early fifties.

There are several examples of writers who became famous as late bloomers. Among them Frank McCort was a teacher most of his life before he wrote his first novel at age 65. Roger Thoreau came up with his widely used thesaurus at age 61. Dan Devoe wrote the classic Robinson Crusoe when he was age 60. Ray Kroc, founder of McDonalds was 50 when he built his first hamburger franchise.

Scientists also rank among the individuals who achieved their accomplishments later in life. Take Albert Einstein physicist and William Crookes who pioneered in the development of radioactivity , both their sixties for example when they achieved monumental success. And of course James Parkinson of Parkinsons’ disease fame. And the list goes on including designers Vera Wang and Coco Chanel and television celebrity Sharon Osbourne and Regis Philibin who were in their fifties when then hit it big.

Then there is a small but notable segment of the population who didn’t necessarily start late but sure as hell lasted a long time. Included in this group, some still living some recently deceased would be Ruth Bader Ginsberg supreme court justice and politicians Diane Feinstein, Nancy Pelosi and former president Jimmy Carter, writer film maker Carl Reiner, comedian George Burns comic artist Stan Marvel and actress Debbie Reynolds and Bernadette Peters to name a few. They all possessed.vitality curiosity and enthusiasm.

Okay ,so now are you all pumped up and ready to tackle the world by the horns. Well that is good but be aware that there are some obstacles out there in this country where stereotypes of the aging population often get in the way.

Chapter 9

AGING AROUND

THE WORLD

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think. At age 60, we discover they have not been thinking of us at all.

— Ann Landers

It really is a shame that ageism, even though very subtle at times, is rampant in this country. The attitudes towards and treatment of our seniors is pathetic.

Some researchers claim that discrimination towards our elder population in this country exceeds discrimination based on race, religion or gender. There are some families in America where the kids are basically willing to kick their elders to the curb. It’s as if the offspring’s empathy glands have been removed! This could be in the form of sticking their parents in inferior senior housing or nursing homes staffed with inadequately trained employees and underpaid staff- creating a situation ripe for abuse and neglect.

In other cases, they encourage their parents to stay in their own home without making crucial improvements that will make the house safer and accommodate their changing needs. Whether it’s a handicap bar in the shower, higher toilets, a ramp instead of stairs, handrails in hallways, a security system, chimney and gas line inspections, or a visiting nurse, these precautions are necessary and often absent.

Some family members just don’t want to spend the money because it will reduce the amount of cash they will receive when their parents eventually die and they inherit their estate. Both of these scenarios smack of selfishness and self-interest on the part of family members. It is hard to understand why some kids who are now adults don’t recall the many years of caring and sacrifice provided by their parents and don’t feel an inherent obligation to return the care and love.

So how did this come to be in a country so progressive and caring in many ways? Some of this behavior can be attributed to the fact that families that don’t live in geographic proximity with one another thus creating inconvenience and difficulties in looking after the welfare of others on a regular basis and keeping in touch. Others claim that America is so youth oriented that seniors lose their authority and respect and usefulness simply because they are old.

Jared Diamond, an accomplished professor and expert on gerontology, views this neglect and attitude a result of the protestant work ethic engrained in our country’s early stages, which emphasizes individualism, independence, and hard work. He suggests when seniors are unable to contribute through their labor and become dependent on others, they lose their value as members of society. He implies that many in this country view their elders as a burden rather than an asset and therefore consider them useless and expendable and simply not their responsibility. If you are counting on your kids to purchase and erect a “Granny Pod” for you in their backyard you are kidding yourself cuz this ain’t going to happen!

Not all cultures and countries in the world view their elders in a disparaging way. Instead, elders are viewed as a treasure to be honored, respected and treated with reverence and dignity. Time to pull out our passport and let us take a little trip around the globe to investigate what’s going on elsewhere. Warning! This section doesn’t contain any humor because this is not a laughing matter.

Hop Aboard!

Stop one : Japan Here they treasure their elders. Many families have several generations living under the same roof. They have a paid national holiday called “Respect For The Aged Day.” No elderly left behind is the mantra throughout the country.

Stop two: China The practice of honor and kindness to elders is part of the culture. They even have legal ramifications if kids don’t take care of parents. Elderly parents can sue their children for lack of financial or emotional support. Companies grant time off to visit and help parents. Taking care of the elderly is ingrained in the laws and customs of China.

Stop three: Scotland The Scottish are leaders in progressive and preventive care for aging residents. The government actually plays a role in providing home renovations for the elderly so they can safely stay in their own homes. Here families honor old age.

Stop four: Vietnam People here strongly believe that the elderly are carriers of wisdom, knowledge and tradition. Grandparents often live with their children and grandchildren and play an important role in decision-making and thus are considered extremely valuable.

Stop 5: Greece In Greece there is no stigma around aging. Elders are respected here and care for them is a central and important part of the culture.

Stop six: India In India kids feel a duty to care for their elders and display respect and reverence to them as authority figures. Rather than disparaging their seniors they find joy in aging and hold huge celebrations for individuals who turn 60 and 70. They are treasured and listened to.

Stop 7: Korea Korean families are close knit and often live in joint family units. Elders play a vital role in raising grandchildren and are honored for their religious and charitable nature.

It goes without saying we could keep traveling and find other examples of good treatment of the aging population as compared to our country as a whole. Of course there are Americans who value and take care of seniors but this something of individual nature and choice, not something that is indoctrinated in our culture or planted in our souls. It is also interesting to note that there are many extremes of elder care around the world.

There are actually groups that are so devoted to their elders that if the elders have lost their teeth their children will chew the food for them. Now that’s devotion! On the other hand there are groups that not only don’t see that their elders are fed but actually commit eldercide against the aged and sick to enable the limited resources to go to the younger population to enable their survival, which is sad but true.

Finally, wherever one resides, there is urgent need the need for improving the quality of senior living, particularly when one considers that this segment of the population is growing as people are living longer. We’re talking about you dude and missy too.

Chapter 10

YOUR LAST HURRAH

It is never too late to become

what you might have been

— Geoge elliot

Measuring Success

At age 4 - success is not peeing in your pants

At age 12-success is having friends

At age 16 -success is having a drivers’ license

At age 20- success is having sex

At age 35- success is having money

At age 50- success is having money

At age 60- success is having sex

At age 70- success is having a drivers’ license

At age 75- success is having friends

At age 80- success is not peeing in your pants

Finding success and navigating through the golden years can be tricky. However, it is the time to rejuvenate and energize yourself and make your final years fulfilling. Try to think of it as an adventure in exploring new territory. Before you can successfully move forward however, you need to get rid of parts of your past.

Everyone has regrets-the would have, could have and should have moments, but you need to face the facts-you didn’t! Time to let go of missed opportunities, mistakes and grudges, and get on with it. Okay, so in hindsight you should have stayed in school longer and become the superintendent instead of the teacher. You should have left that boring uninspiring job and looked for a new opportunity. You regret that you married so young and chose an unworthy partner. You could kick yourself in the pants for the foolish mistakes you made in real estate, buying high and selling low and investing and other money matters in general. You need to dump this baggage so the past doesn’t hold you prisoner.

Oprah advises readers that in order to create a better future you need to let go of the past. She states straight forwardly “If you can’t love it, eat it, wear it, gain strength and joy from it, then the time has come to let it go!!” This doesn’t mean that what happened to you in your life as a consequence of your choices was fair- it just means learn from them if possible and shed yourself of the ghosts of the past.

If you are still upset that Ricky didn’t want to square dance with you in 5th grade because you had warts on your hands or if you are still upset that you didn’t make the 8th grade basketball team, or if you are still troubled that you weren’t chosen as senior class president or didn’t get into the college of your choice-let it go If you have have nightmares of your blind dates or creepy bosses or irritating co-workers that you encountered over the years or if you are still pissed that your former mate left you for the hot babe or the young buck-let it go. Hey that was 29 years ago, so stop your boo-hooing!

In addition to these events of decades ago there are most likely things that happened to you in the last two weeks that rattle you. Maybe you dropped your cell phone in the toilet while reaching for the handicap bar, or worse yet spilled a little chardonnay on your computer tower. Perhaps one day you couldn’t recall what day of the week it was or even more upsetting when attempting to withdraw much needed cash from the ATM machine you forgot your pin. Well here’s a big shout out to you and others “Who gives a rats ass.” These are common senior moments and as such will be brief and are fixable.

At this particular time it would serve you well to remember that yesterday is history, today is fleeting and tomorrow is approaching and you need to be prepared. The end of life will come for sure but the time and circumstances are non-negotiable. Unlike a carton of milk or a container of cottage cheese there is no exact expiration date. Here is where attitude comes into play big time. You need to arm yourself with tools to help you craft a successful and fulfilling journey for your final years.

Many of the characteristics you need to employ begin with the letter P. To begin with you need to Plan and develop Perseverance. You must adapt a Positive attitude and cultivate Patience. In addition you need Persistence, Passion and Playfulness. But the “Big Daddy” of them all is Purpose - which translates perfectly to a reason for getting out of bed each morning. Without it you may as well resign yourself to staring out the window at your dying rose garden or tinkering with your life alert bracelet while glued to your recliner.

The Japanese have a name for it – it is your “Ikigia” or reason for being. They often spend a lifetime looking for it. It goes without saying if you are reading this book you don’t have a long lifetime ahead of you! So right now you need to propel yourself out of the rocking chair and get moving!

Ikigia and Purpose will vary substantially among individuals. In some cases it might be self-serving and small and in other cases it might be noble and far-reaching. Perhaps you are determined to learn how to make a cherry pie or then again you might decide to spearhead a campaign to feed the poor and hungry population in your community. The important thing is that you find activities and set some goals that are meaningful to you and doable so that you have a reason to get up every day.

Many notables who have successfully managed and prospered in their golden years offer advice that contains similar messages. Some are still living and others have passed away. Let’s take a look!

Dick Van Dyke- entertainer and author

“Just keep moving. It’s not good enough to just show up- you must be engaged.”

Stan Lee- founder of Marvel comics and artist

“Elders need to find something they love and do it every day.”

Carl Reiner- producer, director, author

“One must find purpose-reasons to get up in the morning. If your name isn’t in the obituary, eat your breakfast.”

Maggie Kuhn- founder of grey panthers

”Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do one outrageous thing every week.”

Robert Frost-The afternoon discovers what the morning never suspected

Kelly Ferrin- author

”Four key elements to seniors successful longevity include optimism & positive attitude, engagement and connection, and passion, being active and mobile, adaptability to loss and resilience.”

Dan Bunner- author among other things to achieve longevity include

“finding purpose, watching diet and health keeping up communication and good attitude but also take note of “the importance of finding your tribe- people with similar values”

So here you have it-tons of advice but it remains to be seen what you will do with it.

Some researchers claim that those that age with an attitude of optimism are less likely to get dementia. There may be something to be said about aging less timidly. In other words become a sort of happy contrarian- arguing when you feel like arguing, playing when you feel like playing. Maybe you want to pass up the quiet life of the country for the churn of the city. Maybe you want to drink a little more, eat a rich meal, smoke some weed, chew on those gummies, take a ride on the Orient Express or fly to Egypt and visit the Pyramids, and yes have some sex. Howard Feiedman UC professor and gerontology guru offers some advice about longevity. “Throw away your lists. We live in a self-help society full of lists. Lose weight hit the gym.” He says “you can work hard and also play hard and live a long life.”

Of course it is true that none of us know how long we will be around, so it is often complicated and difficult to make definite plans. When it comes to our so-called golden years we have choices to make about our lifestyle. Many wrestle with decisions that involve money.

Possibly you are in the minority that are well off financially so you don’t have to worry and plan. Perhaps you are in the group that has enough income to cover monthly expenses for future years and have a modest savings. You need to decide whether to hoard it, squander it, save it, increase it or spend some of it now. Unlike people in the Blue Zones it is unlikely that you will live to be over one hundred years old. So in this case it seems reasonable that if you can walk, talk, see, hear and poop appropriately perhaps you should go online, or call a travel agent and plan some trips. Reaching out for adventure is healthy and should be tops on your bucket list even though you might put yourself at risk of sleeping on your friends couch or your car in later years or hunkered down on a corner due to a low balance in your bank account.

Some seniors would say they can’t go anywhere because while they have the money and the time they don’t have a travel partner.

That’s a feeble excuse, because today with solo traveling gaining in popularity there are many great deals out there for the single traveler.

Have you heard the tale of the 70-year-old man visiting his doctor. He asks the doctor if he thinks he will live to age 80. He says “I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t go to parties, I don’t eat sweets and I don’t have sex.” The doctor was quick to respond. “Then why do you want to live until you are 80?”

In conclusion, at this point every senior should assess their situation and how they are living and ask the big all important question “Is this all there is, and is this good enough for me?” And if your answer is “no” in any shape or form then you need to make some changes. It is time to take that horse out of the stable, saddle up and start riding. Trust me, you will experience a personal renaissance and enhance the quality of your final journey if on a daily basis you utilize the tips and information provided to you in this book Old- the Art of Aging With Attitude.

“Once more before it’s done ride that

wild horse into the sun”

— Native American proverb

Happy Trails To You!!

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

RUDE AWAKENING

Chapter 2

OLDOMETER TEST

Chapter 3

I CAN’T FIND MY CAR

Chapter 4

TURN OFF THE TV & DON’T OPEN YOUR MAIL

Chapter 5

TO DO AND NOT TO DO

Chapter 6

THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF AGING

Chapter 7

WHAT’S AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Chapter 8

YES YOU CAN

Chapter 9

AGING AROUND THE WORLD

Chapter 10

YOUR LAST HURRAH