How to Read People Like a Book

A Guide to Speed-Reading People, Understand Body Language and Emotions, Decode Intentions, and Connect Effortlessly

PUBLISHED BY: James W. Williams

© Copyright 2020 - All rights reserved.

The content contained within this book may not be reproduced, duplicated or transmitted without direct written permission from the author or the publisher.

Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary loss due to the information contained within this book. Either directly or indirectly.

Legal Notice:

This book is copyright protected. This book is only for personal use. You cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher.

Disclaimer Notice:

Please note the information contained within this document is for educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed to present accurate, up to date, and reliable, complete information. No warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author is not engaging in the rendering of legal, financial, medical or professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any techniques outlined in this book.

By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is the author responsible for any losses, direct or indirect, which are incurred as a result of the use of information contained within this document, including, but not limited to, — errors, omissions, or inaccuracies

Table of Contents

Your Free Gift

Introduction

Chapter 1: Explanation, Quotes, Facts

What Is Personality?

Introvert and Extrovert

Myers Briggs Type Indicator

Enneagram Personality Typing

Keirsey Temperament Sorter

The Spectrum of All Personality Types

Chapter 2: Problems and Benefits

The Impact of Culture

How Do I Know Their Personality Type?

Relying Too Much on Body Language

The Power of Groups

The Problem of Face-ism

Physical Attractiveness

Your Mood Affects Your Reading

Still, There Are Benefits

Chapter 3: Introverts – Identify, Communicate, and Personality Type Motivations

Signs of an Introvert

Introvert Types According to the MBTI

Chapter 4: Extroverts – Identify, Communicate, and Personality Type Motivations

Signs of an Extrovert

Extrovert Types According to the MBTI

ENTP – Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving

ESFJ – Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging

Chapter 5: Communication Styles

Passive

Aggressive

Passive-Aggressive

Assertive

Chapter 6: Reading Lies in People

Understanding a Baseline

Hand Movements

Itching and Fidgeting

Facial Expressions

Change in Complexion

Sweat in the T Zone

Tone of Voice

The Mouth

The Words Themselves

Chapter 7: Understanding People’s Motivations

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Experience Matters when it comes to Motives

Guidelines for Understanding People

People are more emotional than they let on.

Chapter 8: Reading the Face and Body – Cues and What They Mean

The Science of Body Language

Facial Expressions

Hands, Arms, and Gestures

Body Posture and Movement

Breathing

Proxemics

Oculesics

Haptics

Chapter 9: Verbal Cues – Reading Between the Lines

Being a Better Listener

Chapter 10: The Art of Thin Slicing

What Is Thin Slicing?

How Thin-Slicing Translates to Day-to-Day Life

What’s in Thin-Slicing?

So How Do I Do This Thin-Slicing?

Chapter 11: What About Me?

Positive Body Language

Body Language During Public Speaking

Don’t Forget the Golden Rule!

Body Language During Interviews

What is my personality type?

What is my communication style?

Chapter 12: More Body Language Tips and Myths

If You Want to Feel Confident

To Make People Participate, Look Like You Are Actually Listening

Shake Hands to Trigger a Connection

Smile to Promote Good Feelings

Encourage Collaboration by Removing Barriers

Improve Your Speech with Your Hands

Look at People’s Feet for Added Insight

Keep Your Voice Low for an Authoritative Sound

Common Body Language Myths Busted

Conclusion

Thank you!

Resource Page

Your Free Gift

As a way of saying thanks for your purchase, I wanted to offer you a free bonus E-book called Bulletproof Confidence exclusive to the readers of this book.

To get instant access just tap here , or go to:

https://theartofmastery.com/confidence/

Inside the book, you will discover:

- What is shyness & social anxiety, and the psychology behind it

- Simple yet powerful strategies for overcoming social anxiety

- Breakdown of the traits of what makes a confident person

- Traits you must DESTROY if you want to become confident

- Easy techniques you can implement TODAY to keep the conversation flowing

- Confidence checklist to ensure you’re on the right path of self-development

Introduction

Thank you for purchasing this book. As the title tells you, this book is all about learning how to read people like a book in order to connect effortlessly with individuals. I can’t stress this latter part enough—I want this book to help you CONNECT with people, forge relationships, and for the most part, strengthen your ties with others around you.

My name is James and I have been studying body language and verbal communication for a very long time. I got started after being interested in TV shows that seemed to glamorize body language and profiling. I used to suffer from severe shyness and social anxiety, and so I thought learning how to “read people” would help me connect with them easier. As I learned, there is really nothing glamorous about it, the process being grounded on cold science and research. Still, I am happy to share what I know with you—especially since it helped me so much in life. Learning to read between the lines allowed me to advance in work, marry the woman of my dreams, have a good relationship with my kids, and be fulfilled in many of my social circles.

Knowing how to properly communicate with people is the hallmark of good relationships. These methods that you’re about to learn have given me the kind of deep relationships that I could only dream about before.

So what’s the problem really? Why do we find it so hard to connect and communicate with people? A good reason is because what people say isn’t always what they mean or even what they want to say. This can lead to mixed signals, confusion, and everyone ending up getting something they really don’t want to get.

Let’s look at a real-world view for once. Have you ever conducted a presentation and found people dozing off or not paying attention? Have you ever had problems with your boss for reasons that you just can’t grasp? Perhaps your boss latches on quickly to suggestions made by a coworker when you suggested the exact same thing before?

Or let’s look at your dating life. Do you always strike out with women? Do you find yourself unsure of what to do or what to say during a date? Do you have a hard time figuring out if a girl is also into you?

These are all problems that can be solved with just the right amount of insight when it comes to body language. Body language will tell you at what point your boss has lost interest or which part of the presentation is perceived as boring by your officemates. It can also tell you when a girl is interested even before you walk towards her in a bar.

Knowing all these gives you the chance to assess and change direction as needed. It can help you formulate your techniques depending on what the audience needs. Simply put, it can help you achieve goals through subtle but effective means.

This isn’t pseudo science either! Studies have shown that body language has a huge impact on day-to-day conversations. A large part of human communication is done through body language. In fact, there are even classes that teach men how to alter their body language to help them attract more women. There are also classes that teach CEOs and managers how to become more assertive in a particular setting.

The good news is that you don’t have to spend thousands and go to those classes to learn techniques. This book can help you with those and so much more! In this book, I intend to help you figure out different personality types and the unique traits each one has, communicating with different personality types, how to read body language, how to understand verbal cues, and of course—how to train yourself to become a better “reader” of the people around you.

I want you to be able to achieve bigger and better things through this book, so don’t wait around—flip over to the next page!

Chapter 1: Explanation, Quotes, Facts

People are an endless source of interest. Why they think what they think or why they do what they do has created an entire branch of science called Personality Psychology. It’s basically a branch of psychology that studies personality and how it’s different from one person to the next. It deals with the construction of a coherent picture of an individual, their psychological process, psychological differences, psychological similarities, and human nature. Simply, it tries to answer these five questions:

●       What personality traits make up a person?

●       How does a person think?

●       What makes one personality different from another?

●       What makes one personality similar with another?

●      What personality traits are already present from the moment a person is born?

It seems like such a simple five-question study, but it’s actually such a big field that I doubt this book will be able to discuss everything about people. However, we will try to focus our discussion on how personality affects communication with other people. More importantly, we’re going to talk about how you can forge a connection with different personalities through both verbal and non-verbal communication.

What Is Personality?

Personality has many definitions but for this book, we’re going to define it as a set of characteristics possessed by an individual. This set of characteristics influences a person’s cognition, emotion, motivation, behavior, and environment. Hence, the way you behave often changes depending on who you are, where you are, and who you’re with. In fact, the word personality originated from the Latin word persona , which means mask . This is why people often say they wear different masks, depending on different situations.

Studies targeted towards defining, describing, and categorizing personality have been in existence for many years. In case you didn’t know, the ever-popular Zodiac signs are actually a way of categorizing personality based on the date of your birth. Of course, since this way of categorizing personality isn’t backed by science, we won’t be talking about it. Instead, we shall be focusing on the ones with lots of studies behind them.

Introvert and Extrovert

This is perhaps the most common classification known today. The common belief is that introverts are quiet and extroverts are loud. However, that’s actually just a manifestation of what makes each personality unique. The main difference between an extrovert and an introvert is based on how their brains operate. That’s right—this goes all the way to the brain and has the scientific studies to prove it.

Studies show that the extrovert’s dopamine trigger is shorter. Dopamine is the body’s happy hormone and accordingly, stimulation for extroverts run the path of taste, touch, visual, and auditory sensory processing. It’s quick and very much felt by all five senses. This is why when extroverts gamble, the rush they get is stronger and faster. Introverts, on the other hand, run a more complicated course. The pathway area goes through planning, remembering, and solving problems.

What does this all mean? Well, extroverts have a brain makeup that encourages them to seek rewards while the same does not hold true for introverts.

Of course, this seems like such a vague explanation. So how else can we make a distinction? Perhaps a better way of explaining the difference is in terms of energy. How do introverts and extroverts gain energy and how do they recharge?

You see, introverts recharge best alone. Being with people saps their energy and in order to bring that energy back up, they need to be alone.

Extroverts are the complete opposite. If they’re alone for long periods of time, it feels as though their energy is being drained. Hence, extroverts need to socialize with other people in order to recharge their energy.

It’s really that simple. This is why even if a person is an introvert, they can still socialize with others, participate in parties, and go to different occasions. In the same way, some extroverts can be overcharged so that they may need some quiet alone time. Hence, I don’t want you to think that extroverts never want quiet moments or that introverts never want to be with other people. Both personalities are capable of jumping to the other side if given the chance, but their default setting means they will go back if they find the need to.

This difference between the two types will tell you how you want to communicate or force a connection with a person. For example, if you’re planning a birthday party for an introvert, a small quiet event would be closer to their style. They are also more likely to appreciate gifts that they can enjoy alone, and when setting a meeting with an introvert, you would want to pick a quiet spot with little music and enough privacy for a personal conversation. On the flipside, an extrovert would appreciate a gift that encourages socialization or activities that involve great adrenaline rushes. Forging a connection with an extrovert can mean a trip to the local bar or a local festival.

Later on in this book, we’ll talk more about how introverts and extroverts appreciate human connection and what makes them tick.

Myers Briggs Type Indicator

If you do a quick search on Facebook, you’ll find dozens or even hundreds of Facebook groups dedicated towards the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, or the MBTI Personality Test. It was popularized by Carl Jung and was once used by companies for hiring purposes. Carl Jung is the main proponent of this personality typing and was a psychoanalyst and psychiatrist who founded analytical psychology.

Under the MBTI personality characterization, the introvert and extrovert classifications have been expanded. Instead of the traditional introvert versus extrovert, personalities are now typed depending on eight different categories.

Under the MBTI school of thought, you can either be:

●       Introverted or Extroverted

●       Sensing or INtuitive

●       Thinking or Feeling

●       Perceiving or Judging

There are actually online tests for this that will tell you your personality type and will even describe what kind of person you are, how you think, how you perceive the world, and so on. In total, there are 16 Personality Types under the MBTI principle. How does this work?

For example, the test shows that you’re an Introvert, an INtuitive, a Thinker, and Judging. This means that your personality type is: INTJ. You’ll notice that we’re capitalizing the letter “n” in intuitive because this helps make the distinction between the other “I” in the personality type.

On the flipside, you may also be an Extrovert, an Intuitive, a Sensor, and a Perceiver—which makes you an ENSP. You see where this is going? All possible combinations of these characteristics churn out 16 different personalities and each personality has its own unique charm and, of course, its own unique vice. What I want you to understand, however, is that ESFP is not the automatic opposite of INTJ just because all the letters are flipped. It’s far more complicated than that, which is why it can be tough to fully explain, but we’ll definitely try.

The question here is: why are there so many personality types? Carl Jung once said, “There’s no such thing as a pure extrovert or introvert. Such a person should be in a lunatic asylum.”

This is perhaps why there has been an expansion of the classic introvert and extrovert scenario. Now we don’t just look at how you process energy but also how you process thoughts, feelings, and so on.

What do the letters mean?

Since we already talked about the Introvert versus Extrovert situation, we won’t be describing that one in the listing. Here are what the other letters mean when it comes to MBTI:

●      Sensing – If you’re this type, this means that you become aware of specific facts first or you prefer to focus on the precise details. This also means that you rely primarily on your five senses and use them to move forward, perceive your surroundings, and come up with decisions.

●      Intuitive – Denoted by the letter “N,” this means that you prefer to focus on the big picture first and plan accordingly. Intuitives also rely heavily on hunches or intuition when perceiving their surroundings.

●      Thinkers – This talks about the process by which you arrive at a decision. Sensing or Intuition is the way you receive the message. Thinking or Feeling is how you process that message. Thinkers use logical analysis to process the message they receive.

●      Feeling – On the other end of the spectrum are the Feelers, who primarily use emotions. They consider the values of everyone involved and try to hit a harmony with them.

●      Judging – Judging people are those who want their life to be planned out. You want to create a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, or any other back up that might be necessary to achieve your goal.

●      Perceivers – These people are the ones who prefer to go with the flow. You want to keep your options open and change them accordingly.

Later on, we’ll talk about this some more, but from the general look of things, you can already tell how this personality classification can help guide you in connecting with others.

Enneagram Personality Typing

Under the Enneagram of Personality school of thought, there are a total of nine different personality types. All of these are interconnected with each other and were principally derived from the teachings of a Chilean psychiatrist, Claudio Naranjo. Like the MBTI, the Enneagram was also used in business management to help business owners gain insight into their employees and their fitness for specific roles. Nowadays, it’s not considered as a huge determining factor for hiring, but some companies may still use it to guide their hiring process.

Here’s a rough look at the different personality types as defined under the Enneagram System.

1. The Reformer: rational, principled, purposeful, perfectionist, self-controlled, and idealistic

2. The Helper: caring, demonstrative, generous, possessive, people-pleasing, and interpersonal

3. The Achiever: success-oriented, adaptive, excelling, image-conscious, driven, and pragmatic

4. The Individualist: sensitive, expressive, dramatic, temperamental, self-absorbed, and withdrawn

5. The Investigator: the cerebral type, perceptive, secretive, isolated, innovative, and intense

6. The Loyalist: committed, engaging, anxious, suspicious, responsible, and security-oriented

7. The Enthusiast: busy, fun-loving, versatile, scattered, distractible, and spontaneous

8. The Challenger: dominating, decisive, confrontational, self-confident, willful, and powerful

9. The Peacemaker: easygoing, receptive, reassuring, complacent, agreeable, and self-effacing

That’s just a basic outline of the typology. Later on, we’ll talk about this further so you’ll find out exactly how to best connect with each type.

Keirsey Temperament Sorter

Known as the KTS, this personality typing system is slightly related to the MBTI and had a big impact in the hiring practices of some of the biggest businesses in the world. For example, at some point corporations like Coca-Cola, 7-Eleven, IBM, Bank of America, and even the US Air Force used this personality assessment technique. Under this principle, there are basically four temperaments divided into two categories and with two types each. Hence, just like the MBTI, there’s a total of 16 types under the Keirsey system. Beautifully, these 16 personalities also correlate with the 16 personalities found in the MBTI personality classification, albeit with different names.

Here’s a rough outlook of these personality types:

●       Artisans – Artisans want to make an impact with an adaptable personality that makes them excellent in troubleshooting. They’re known for their agile abilities and excellence in using instruments, tools, and equipment needed for whatever goal they may have in mind. They often seek virtuosity and stimulation with their greatest asset being the ability to develop tactics to meet their needs. Artisans fall into two different roles:

- The Entertainers – These are the informative or reactive Artisans. This basically means that their intelligence is catered towards improvising, allowing them to adapt to a situation as it comes. Entertainers are further classified into Composers and Performers.

- The Operators – these are the proactive or directive Artisans. What makes them distinctive is the unique talent to expedite a process or basically make activities go quicker without losing much of the goal. They are further divided into Crafters and Promoters.

●       Guardians – These are the ones who like things scheduled and organized. They want security and value responsibility in themselves and other people. They’re excellent at logistics and make good supporters and facilitators. They branch out into two different roles:

- The Administrators – They’re the ones who are proactive with an intelligence developed towards regulation. They’re further classified into Inspectors and Supervisors.

- The Conservators – Known as the reactive Guardians, they are best when put in roles of support. Classifications of this type include Protectors and Providers.

●       Idealists – They are both compassionate and abstract. Their motivations center towards personal growth and meaning. Because of their unique connection with themselves, they are excellent when put into roles requiring diplomacy. They have two different roles which are:

- The Mentors – These are the ones who are best in developing roles. As the name suggests, they’re perfect in guiding people and helping them to develop into their full potential. Role variants are Counselors and Teachers.

- The Advocates – As the name suggests, this role of the Idealist is centered towards mediation. They’re advocates that are excellent in bridging the gap between people. Role variants include Healers and Champions.

●       Rational – They’re the ones who are both objective and abstract. Their main goal includes self-control and mastery of whatever they need to achieve. People who fall under this personality type value knowledge and competence above all else. Greatest strength is strategy and the ability to approach problems from a logical standpoint. They fall into two roles:

- Coordinators – Their intelligence is primarily developed towards arranging. Role variants include Masterminds Field Marshals.

- Engineers – Excellent at constructing, the Engineers have the following role variants: Architects and Inventors.

Later on, we’ll talk more about these personality types and how to make connections with them.

The Spectrum of All Personality Types

I can’t stress this enough—personality is a spectrum. This means there’s no set or permanent personality type. A person isn’t 100% introvert or extrovert. This is merely a “preference.” Hence, given the option, a person will display the characteristics of an introvert but if they have to, they can display extroverted characteristics as well.

Chapter 2: Problems and Benefits

In this chapter, we’re first going to talk about the advantages and pitfalls of reading body language. The fact is that body language is an inexact science and as much as it can be useful, it can also be detrimental in your social life. Here are some of the things you need to watch out for.

The Impact of Culture

One thing I want you to also consider is the impact of culture in body language. When trying to communicate with people, whether verbally or non-verbally, you will find that there are certain actions unique to their culture or the environment they grew up in. For example, in Asian countries, bowing is seen as a sign of respect while in American countries, the typical “bow” has been shortened to a simple nod of the head to someone. Also note that in Asian countries, the depth of the bow indicates the depth of respect one might have for the other person.

So why is this problematic? Well, if you’re trying to communicate with someone of a different background, you will have to do your research on their culture. What gestures are considered proper and which ones are a show of respect? While the other person may understand that you’re from a different background too and don’t know about their gestures, you will find that making that extra effort can make you stand out from the crowd.

How Do I Know Their Personality Type?

Now that you know the different personality types, the next problem you’ll be tackling is—how do you make the distinction? Unfortunately, you can’t just go up to people and ask them about their personality type. In fact, many people are unlikely to know about the MBTI or the Enneagram or other personality indicator types. Unless you’re good friends with them, it’s also unlikely that you can have them answer a questionnaire to determine their personality type.

So what do we do then? We look at cues, behaviors, speech patterns, and the like in order to determine an individual’s personality type. This can be difficult and in all likelihood, you may not be 100% correct all the time, but it should be able to give you some idea on how to proceed further when communicating with another person.

Here’s some good news: you already have a clue on how body language works. Even as babies, it was observed that humans naturally react depending on the current mood or expression of their nannies, moms, dads, or any person who happens to be handling them. Chances are you can pretty much tell when someone close to you is sad, angry, frustrated, or experiencing any other emotion. As a general rule, the closer you are to a person, the easier it is for you to read their inner thoughts and emotions.

Later on in this book, we’ll talk about how to spot different personality types by reading obvious cues and such.

Relying Too Much on Body Language

I also want you to note that body language is supplemental to listening. Body language will give you an insight into what a person thinks or feels inside, but you also shouldn’t ignore what they’re saying. Listen to what they’re telling you first and if you’re confused or unsure, look at their body language. This should more or less tell you about the lay of the land. Remember, there are instances when listening is better than simply watching a person’s body language. The fact is that in many cases, body language is simply used to emphasize what they’re already saying, so it’s best if you listen AND look.

The Power of Groups

Being part of a group is another obstacle when trying to read people’s thoughts, ideas, expressions, and body language. Groups tend to affect how a person approaches a particular situation, especially when put under pressure. I’m sure that at some point in your life, you managed to change your mind because of the presence of a group. They may all be in agreement over a particular course of action and so you’re forced to agree with that decision. Or perhaps you’ve made a decision in order to look good in that particular group. Conformity is the magic word when it comes to groups. Every person wants to be accepted by the community and in order to do so, they have to “conform” to what the community thinks must be done. This is why it can be tough to spot an introvert during a party because some introverts conform to extrovert characteristics when thrown in the company of extroverts. In fact, a study was conducted to measure just how badly a group can affect a person’s decision.

When made to choose between what they believe to be the “right” answer and what the group thinks, 75% of people chose the group answer despite the fact that it’s the wrong one. Groups are so powerful that they can “normalize” a wrong behavior. This simply means that an action generally seen as “bad” becomes normal when allowed or repeatedly done by a group. Good examples: bullying, drinking in excess, drugs, or cigarettes. Groups also impose penalties when a person doesn’t conform to their decisions, such as throwing them out of the group and turning a person into a social pariah.

How else does a group affect a person’s thoughts, ideas, and emotions?

●      Groups magnify an idea or make an opinion more powerful. People feel confident when they join groups that validate their own opinions or thoughts. This is how labor unions, civic unions, or charities become so powerful and widespread. Think of it as little voices joining together to become a powerful one that can be heard all over by others.

●      Leaders also have a huge impact on how a person thinks when that person forms part of a group. Leaders can steer groups into the direction they want to go or convince people into agreeing to certain ideas. There’s no better example of this than politics.

The Problem of Face-ism

Face-ism is a problem that occurs often in society, although you may not realize it. It’s basically when people make judgments on a person based on their appearance. This goes beyond prejudice but rests primarily on the face of a person—specifically the shape of the face. Face-ism states that simply based on the shape of a person’s face, impressions might be had by individuals over the personality of an individual. For example, studies show that features with a feminine appearance are often seen as extroverted. They’re also seen as happier and more trustworthy. Does that mean that feminine features predict extroversion? No. It simply means that when you see someone with very feminine features, you instantly label them an extrovert. But this doesn’t have to be true.

I want you to make the distinction between impressions on facial features and reading a person’s body language. Impressions you make via facial features are stagnant or non-moving. Basically, this means that a person is not doing anything—their face is neutral. The impressions you get from their face are based purely on their blank features.

When reading faces and body language, however, we’re looking at movement. People are reacting, doing, or thinking about something and therefore causing their facial expressions and body to change in relation to what they’re thinking or feeling. This movement is what we want to read here, not the blank expressions.

Physical Attractiveness

I hate to throw this out there, but beauty is a very strong motivator when it comes to reading body language. More than just the shape of the face or the color of the skin, having a face that matches the societal standards of beauty can really screw up a person’s reading of body language. For example, how many times have you done something only because a pretty girl asked you to do it? How many times have you believed that a woman is being truthful just because she has the most innocent face you’ve ever seen?

Physical attractiveness can impress upon you positive characteristics on a person that they haven’t really lived up to. At the same time, being beautiful can also make it easier for an individual to distract you from their actual motives. On the flipside, being attracted to someone can make you read deeper into superficial actions so that your interpretation would match your personal goals. For example, just because you like a woman makes you interpret their every move as flirting when in fact, they are acting perfectly normal in the given situation.

Your Mood Affects Your Reading

Another problem here is that your interpretation is affected by what you think or feel at that particular moment. If you’re sad, then chances are you’ll interpret the same thing in people. This isn’t surprising since “reading” is basically you reacting to a situation, and reaction is hindered towards your overall mental and emotional health. This is why when reading people, it’s important to maintain an unbiased view of things. If you’re forced to make a decision, consider both sides of the story, taking a good look at the different people involved, reading them, and then making your decision. It’s only smart to make readings when you’re in a calm and collected frame of mind.

Still, There Are Benefits

So you’re probably thinking, With all these problems associated with reading body language, why should I even bother? Well, there might be drawbacks, but I promise you that the benefits are just as many—perhaps even more in number. Here are some of the benefits of being able to read a person’s expression and body language:

●      You can connect better with people. This is the most important benefit we’re listing here because this is really the result you want to get when reading this book. Being able to look at a person and instantly find out what they feel or think can help you adjust your own response in order to help them. This can be very useful in social situations, especially if you’re hosting a party and want everyone to feel included. Having an idea on what people think also lets you temper your conversation to make sure that no one is offended by what you said.

●      Helps with business or employment. The workplace is packed with subtle, non-verbal manners of communication, and it can be very useful to know what’s happening under the surface. Is the client interested in your presentation or does he look completely distracted? Take note of what pitches have a positive reaction and which ones have a negative reaction from your boss or client. Even with your coworkers, having a good grasp on the silent communication between people makes it easier for you to adjust depending on the demands of the office. At the very least, being able to read these subtle cues will tell you if you’ve made an impression in the office.

●      Help prevent conflict. Another incredibly useful benefit of reading body language is conflict resolution. You can tell the silent signs of aggression before they actually occur, therefore allowing you to stop any negative action at just the right stage. This is useful in many situations from work, to parties, to disagreements with your partner. Know exactly when to defuse a situation before you reach that point of no return.

●      Improve people’s impression of you. First impression is always important, especially in the office setting. Knowing how to read body language doesn’t just tell you how other people think, it also tell you how you’re supposed to act in their presence. This means that you will be able to adjust people’s impression of you depending on a given situation. This is important if you want to create a strong presence in the office or if you want to keep things on the down low during family gatherings. Knowing when it’s time to spread out your arms or make yourself blend with the background can definitely help in achieving the effect you want to give in any situation.

●      Become a better communicator. Of course, if you’re in the position to receive and interpret verbal and non-verbal communication, this puts you in the perfect place to respond to these same messages. Don’t forget—communication is a two-way street and in order to send a message in the right context, you have to be able to receive a message in the right context. Doing both correctly guarantees that the flow of information is stable, quick, and accurate.

Chapter 3: Introverts – Identify, Communicate, and Personality Type Motivations

This chapter is going to delve deeper into personality types and how to make connections with people depending on their perceived personality types. I want to stress the use of the word “perceive” here because unless you’ve made them take a test to figure out their personality type, chances are you’re going to be guessing what category they fall into. This is why this chapter also helps you with that particular problem.

This chapter deals with personality types in three ways.

The first one answers the question: What are the characteristics of a specific personality type? The second one answers the question: How do you communicate and connect with a specific personality type? This one will help you tailor your communication style to connect with this particular person. Remember, the whole goal of this book is to help you forge better relations with people.

And finally, the third one answers the question: What is the typical motivation of this personality type? This is crucial because every person has a different motivation. Different personality types often have end-games or purposes when interacting with people. You will find that these different motivations can help you better figure out what they ultimately want in a given situation.

In this chapter and the next one, we’re going to answer the question: How do you identify an introvert or extrovert? As mentioned, people can be very good in hiding their actual personality preferences. Hence, an introvert may not always be sitting in the corner of the room, they may be in the center of action and simply doing their best extroverted act. Here are some signs that can help you identify these personality preferences and how to interact with them.

Just a little preface before talking about spotting and communicating. I want you to take a good look at the classifications we’ve made in the previous chapter. This time, we won’t stop at just the introvert and the extrovert. Instead, we’re going to go a little bit further and talk about the different MBTI personalities and how you’re supposed to communicate with them after you’ve made identification. I want you to understand that it’s not always easy to make a classification, especially if you’re doing it for the first time. Some characteristics are completely internal, which means that you won’t be able to quickly see it in the person’s words and actions. Still, we’re going to try our best to give you the best chance of connecting with people.

Signs of an Introvert

●      Zoning out – In social situations, introverts are likely to zone out during conversations or in the middle of all the parties. They can easily become quiet during conversations, as if they’ve mentally left the place. Don’t worry, they’ll come back sooner or later, often asking questions to help them catch up to the conversation.

●      They’re the ones who leave early. This doesn’t happen just once but all the time during parties or any other social situation.

●      Introverts are also the ones who tend to “disappear” during parties. They’re the ones who gravitate towards the quieter part of the house, often grouping up with other introverts and just talking quietly in a private space. Often, introverts stick close to the people they already know.

●      They’re the ones who have an intense interest in books, the arts, or even the animals in the room. This kind of interest often allows them to be alone while still appearing as if they’re enjoying themselves at the party.

●      They can be quite irritable if you’re together for long periods of time. This is because introverts often need “down time” after socializing for quite some time.

●      They’re also the ones who are happy to lend a helping hand when it comes to activities that let them be alone. Hence, they can volunteer to serve the DJ, clean up the house, take food to someone, or even take photographs. This lets them stay clear from all the activities while still being part of the actual party.

Introvert Types According to the MBTI

INFJ – Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging

INFJs are big users of metaphors and symbols during conversations. They like to talk about insights, visions, and predictions, all while being emphatic and warm in their conversations. Being introverts, their conversational skills are best displayed in small circles or one-on-one interactions.

Here are the typical characteristics of the INFJ:

●      They talk using symbols and metaphors to really convey what they’re trying to say. Their preferred topics of conversation revolve around visions of the future, predictions, and possibilities.

●      They like to show solidarity with others by saying words like “I understand” when in conversations. Well-mannered, INFJ’s are tactful and very adaptable. In fact, they can switch back and forth in social events, managing to establish rapport all the while.

●      INFJs are introverted intuitive, which means that their process is mostly internal. This is why they like metaphors and symbols in conversations. When it comes to topics they’re passionate about, they can be tough to understand. In fact, when it comes to certain topics, it appears as though they’re only rambling when in truth, they’re trying to process an idea.

●      When confronted by a debate or an argument, the INFJs are the ones who prefer to take on the role of peacemakers.

●      These personality types tend to flock to the following careers: missionaries, clergy, counselors, medical doctors, chiropractors, psychiatrists, writers, photographers, dentists, social workers, librarians, and education consultants.

INTJ – Introvert, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging

INTJs are considered to be one of the rarest types in the MBTI scheme. This is why when you do finally meet one, there’s a good chance that you will have a hard time understanding their personality. Here are the typical characteristics of an INTJ:

●      INTJs are quiet and prefer to spend the day by themselves. When they do start talking, however, they prefer to focus on future events and enjoy discussing the many implications or meanings of events, topics, or situations.

●      They tend to speak using lots of symbols or metaphors to describe things. They’re the ones who often say phrases like: “If this happened, then that means that…” as they like to establish connections between events in a logical but futuristic manner.

●      They love to strategize and often focus on creating long-term solutions to problems. Because they’re intuitive instead of being sensors, it can be difficult for them to explain their thoughts and ideas to people, so be patient.

●      Don’t be surprised if you get lost when talking to an INTJ. They tend to go straight from point A to point D, skipping several letters along the way. Combined with their love for metaphors it can be very confusing, especially if you’re talking to one for the first time.

●      They stick to logical and analytical modes of thinking. They can also be very direct to the point of being rude. Like other NTs, they like to process information quietly so that when they finally say something, they sound very sure of their conclusion.

●      Common careers include professors, teachers, medical doctors, corporate strategists, engineers, computer programmers, photographers, managers, military, and research department managers.

ISTJ – Introvert, Sensing, Thinking, Judging

They like to think before they speak, which seems true for all introvert types. You will notice how their body language shows they’re mulling over a question or comment before they even respond. These are the kind of people who will take a long time composing a comment through Facebook and will review their message before eventually hitting send. Here are some of the characteristics of this type:

- They’re the types who like to keep things as linear as possible. This means that during speeches or meetings, they’re the types who recap conversations. They will repeat what another person said and then tack their comment at the end, just to make sure everyone is on the same page.

- They also like to connect current situations with past ones in order to make a correlation or to keep it factual. They’d say words like “it looks like” or “it’s the same as” or “remember when” to keep the conversation grounded and make sure everyone can see the similarity or difference to a current situation. Typically, this is done to add some authority to their conclusions or ideas.

- When talking, they tend to focus on facts and rarely exaggerate what they’re trying to say. This also means that their movements tend to be limited as they focus on the context of what they’re trying to say. Note that these types are not big on facial expressions or body language so you might have a harder time reading them.

- They don’t like being the center of attention when in fact, they actually have an air of mystery on them that draws in people.

- Feelings and emotions are kept close and private by the ISTJ so don’t expect great shows of affection from them. They’re not good with surprises, especially if they’re socially accepted to respond with lots of emotions. These feelings are often reserved to really close people in their lives.

- These personality types are typically found in professions of business, administrators, dentists, programmers, lawyers, judges, accountants, detectives, math teachers, engineers, and technicians.

ISTP – Introvert, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving

ISTPs prefer to process their thoughts internally. You’re not going to hear them reciting their analysis out loud but instead keeping it secret and intact before talking. As a result, their words would be factual, direct, and concise because they choose only to speak them out loud when they’re already fully formed. Here’s how to spot one out in the wild:

●      They’re the types who are likely to pause in the middle of a sentence in order to find the perfect word for what they’re trying to say. Their vocabulary and phrasing is very precise as they want to keep things quick and simple.

●      They’re the ones who seem like they’re very opinionated. This is because of their factual approach to any problem as well as the precision of their logic. Everything has been cross-checked before entering into any kind of debate or discussion. They’re not afraid to raise issues if they see any, especially since their detailed sensory data managed to go through the logical pros and cons of a specific pathway.

●      Because of their love for the logical and the concise, they’re not very good with feelings or emotions. ISTPs will feel very out of place and ill at ease if asked to talk about their feelings. If pushed or in a very stressful situation however, you might find that ISTPs suddenly become overly emotional even if it is out of their character.

●      ISTP personality types tend to gravitate to careers like forensic pathologists, system analysts, computer programmers, firefighters, paramedics, electrical engineers, pilots, and transportation operatives.

Communicating with INFJs, INTJs, ISTJs, and ISTPs

When communicating with any person in this particular group, you want to remember that they’re strong introverts. This means that their ability to maintain social communication is shorter—they often prefer their interactions to be quick and straight to the point. Here are some of the things you have to remember when communicating with any of these types:

●      Don’t ramble, they hate that. If you want to communicate specific information, tell it to them straight.

●      Do not use small talk if you want to get information from them. Ask about it straight out and you will get a straight answer from them.

●      They may enjoy banter, but if they’re working on a particular project, it’s important to stay away and just allow them to focus.

●      Learn to listen because these types put a lot of stock into listening. Remember that their main goal is information so if someone is talking, they will make every effort to listen. Hence, they expect the same courtesy from others and hate it when people interrupt them in the middle of a sentence.

●      Give them time to think about their answer before voicing it out loud.

●      Greet them with a smile, but don’t expect to stand there and exchange pleasantries. They’re not really fond of that. Instead, greet them but give them their personal space. No hugs or any kind of air kisses unless you’re very close or you’re a family member.

●      Eye contact every now and then is okay simply to affirm connection.

●      Note that when on a project, they tend to be very focused. Any sort of distraction or effort to prevent them from finishing their goal will likely be dealt with negatively. Conversations of any sort will be shrugged off as it only throws them off their focus.

●      Do not rush them. As with other introverts, INTPs like to enjoy their time working on a project. They’re careful and particular about their goals and believe that distractions can lower the precision of their executions.

●      When working with this type, it helps to always update them of what’s going on. They want to find out at what stage you are in your job and not only when it’s finished. This helps them assess the situation and adjust accordingly.

●      Note that these types can go quickly from friendly to distant. They have a short social fuse which means that after some time socializing with others, they’re going to need some alone time to recharge. True introverts, their social fuse tends to be shorter than most, unless they’ve managed to train themselves into it.

●      During tense situations or when stressed, INTPs draw into themselves. They become quiet and stoic, unlike other types which tend to burst out or let everyone know what they’re feeling.

INFP – Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving

Having a strong sense of personal values, INFPs are emphatic and imaginative. Their creative streak makes them very adept in discussing theoretical possibilities. Their favorite topics usually include how to help animals, how to help people, or even how to help the world completely. Here are typical characteristics of this personality type:

- They have strong values but they’re not the preachy type. They will keep their thoughts and beliefs close to heart unless specifically asked about them. They’re the kind of people who let others live their lives and don’t interfere unless they think they’re in the position to make changes. Usually, this privilege is extended only to friends and relatives.

- Because of their belief in allowing people to express their individuality, INFPs are not very good in conversations when people try to impose their thoughts and ideas on others. They will have an internal cringe or at worst, they might even confront another about it.

- Gentle and modest, they’re often shy and prefer one-to-one conversations. At parties, they’re going to be the ones who gravitate to the people they already know and spend most of the time in a quieter area of the house.

- You will often find them thriving in careers as writers, counselors, childcare workers, missionaries, psychiatrists, scientists, psychologists, education consultants, journalists, and social scientists.

INTP – Introvert, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving

INTPs are pretty rare in the wild and have a very quiet personality. All their thought processes are done internally, which means that they’ll only speak out their opinions after having an internal monologue in their head. Here are some signs of an INTP:

- They’re very precise with words. They don’t just think about the implications but also how to word their thoughts in a way that keeps it brief and concise. This means that they take a long time to respond because they’re looking for the perfect words to convey their meaning.

- They keep things logical and rarely venture towards emotions and feelings. In fact, they like to keep things on the topic at hand and don’t like veering off into tangents.

- They’re the kinds who categorize information into smaller pieces. This means that they will group information based on specific characteristics. This allows them to better remember information and create connections between different subjects.

- Because of their preference for categorization and connecting information with each other, it takes a fairly long time for INTPs to arrive at a conclusion. Once the planning is over, however, they will execute their plan to perfection and will not veer away from it.

- Give INTPs sufficient time to think about answers to questions. They don’t like being pressured, especially when coming to a conclusion.

- They’re outside-the-box thinkers so don’t be surprised if they sometimes put forward an idea that’s out of this world. Be assured, however, that they thought about it first before voicing it.

- INTPs are not very good when it comes to expressing feelings and emotions so unless you absolutely have to, try not to dwell too much about it during conversations.

- Common careers include chemists, photographers, biologists, mathematicians, computer programmers, university professors, forensic researchers, psychologists, artists, and social scientists.

ISFJ – Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging

They’re a lot like ISTJs in that they think long and hard before talking. Do not rush them as they want to delve into every possibility before deciding on a course of action. Here are the typical characteristics of the ISFJ:

- ISFJs like to keep a timeline in their head, which reflects when they speak. When trying to prove a point or conveying information, they will make use of past experiences of information to make their argument more believable.

- When talking, they often use words such as “like” or “reminds me of” or “remember when.”

- Unlike other introverts, ISFJs are actually very good in relaying empathy. This is their way of connecting with people or showing solidarity.

- They have a constantly professional and polite demeanor. They’re actually quite responsive but prefer one-on-one interactions over groups. Hence, these are the same people who will be looking for familiar faces in a party and spending most of their time in a quiet corner of the room.

- They’re not very good with criticism and will often feel uncomfortable if made the subject of any. They can take these criticisms personally and will not do well in arguments or debates, even a friendly one. Hence, they’re the type to think about past blunders over and over in their head.

- Note that long-range forecasting is not their forte. Unlike NT types who have no problem predicting possibilities, ISFJs like to keep their future predictions within safe short-term levels. However, their predictions are often good and well thought of.

- Common careers for this type include childcare, administrators, career counselors, clerical supervisors, police officers, church workers, and doctors.

ISFP - Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving

The open-minded introverts who can be emphatic and easygoing if they feel like it, ISFPs can blend in with the extroverts—but not too much. They have strong values but don’t really want to show it on the surface unless they’re in the company of someone they really trust. These are the kinds of people who respect the differences between people and will therefore not tell other people what they should or should not do. Sure, ISFPs may have a fairly good idea of what your next move should be, but they’re not the types to give unsolicited advice. If you try to challenge their values, however, the ISFP will definitely fight with you in a tone of voice that is far from their usual character.

Some characteristics of the ISFP are:

●      They’re quiet and honest with everyone they meet. During conversations, they’re the ones who like to listen and seldom draw attention to their person. In fact, if they suddenly find themselves the center of attention, an ISFP will grow quiet.

●      Believe it or not, ISFPs love adventure. They’re the ones who enjoy going to concerts or vacations and will happily talk about them if given the chance. They also delve deeply into projects and can be quite impulsive as they always want to add to their collection of memorable experiences.

●      They’re not really happy being in conflict-packed environments. They will actively put effort into avoiding these situations or making sure that they’re not part of the conflict.

●      ISFPs tend to be attracted to careers in music, art, childcare, social work, teaching, animal care, medicine, bookkeeping, and physical therapy.

Communicating with INFPs, INTPs, ISFJs, and ISFPs

Communicating with these four types are more or less the same. Here are some tips when approaching or connecting with any of these types:

- Keep your greetings quiet and friendly. Try not to overload them with affection or be very public with your greetings.

- Take note that they have a fairly weird sense of humor. Their ability to distinguish between what’s socially acceptable and what’s not is a little vague so try not to take them too seriously or too personally.

- Don’t rush things with them. Never interrupt; allow these types to fully say what they want to say before responding. Perhaps one of their biggest pet peeves is being interrupted while in the middle of a sentence. Give nods every now and then to let them know you’re following the conversation.

- When push comes to shove, these personality types can become quite critical.

- Quality is more important than speed so be prepared to revise and rework your output several times before you’ll get their approval.

- Public recognition and compliments can be quite embarrassing and very uncomfortable for these types.

Chapter 4: Extroverts – Identify, Communicate, and Personality Type Motivations

This chapter is going to delve deeper into personality types and how to make connections with people depending on their perceived personality types of “extroverts.” I want to stress the use of the word “perceive” here because unless you’ve made them take a test to figure out their personality type, chances are you’re going to be guessing what category they fall into. This chapter also helps you with that particular problem.

Just to recap, this chapter deals with personality types in three ways.

The first one answers the question: What are the characteristics of a specific personality type? This will help you make identification, although I have to be honest, chances are your analysis won’t be 100% correct all the time. Practice will help improve your skills on this front.

The second one answers the question: How do you communicate and connect with a specific personality type? This one will help you tailor your communication style to connect with this particular person. Remember, the whole goal of this book is to help you forge better relations with people.

And finally, the third one answers the question: What is the typical motivation of this personality type? This is crucial because every person has a different motivation. Different personality types often have end-games or purposes when interacting with people. You will find that these different motivations can help you better figure out what they ultimately want in a given situation.

Signs of an Extrovert

One thing I want you to remember is that extroversion is not a “bad” thing. There seems to be a current trend nowadays where introverts are viewed as the nice, sweet, unassuming people while extroverts are the gregarious ones who are flighty and talk too much. Note though that this isn’t always the case. There is no “better” type and both introverts and extroverts have their own strengths and weaknesses.

Here are some of the typical distinguishing marks of an extrovert:

- They have broad and numerous interests, usually the types that encourage socializing and being with other people. Surfing, biking, and team games are some of the activities they usually enjoy.

- They communicate best through conversations. In fact, they’re very enthusiastic when talking, often adding punch to their argument through hand gestures. They’re also comfortable being touchy-feely in public. Hence, they’re the types who will air kiss with friends, give people a slap on the back, and give shoulder hugs when they’re happy.

- They have no problem being the center of attention. In fact, they can quickly lighten up when the attention is pulled towards them.

- They’re happy with group work and can seamlessly blend with any group.

- They like going out on a routine basis. They’re the ones who may have a routine when it comes to nights out or drinks after dinner or work.

- Of course, they also like to talk about their thoughts and feelings out loud. They will have no problem seeking out inspiration and advice from people they believe are capable of providing help.

Extrovert Types According to the MBTI

ENFP – Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving

ENFPs are very lively and jump into conversations with an unmistakable zest for connecting with people. This liveliness is very contagious and can draw in people, especially during brainstorming sessions. Here are the typical characteristics of an ENFP:

- They love to focus towards personal growth and will happily jump into conversations that involve this kind of topic. Their values are focused towards improvement for themselves, other people, and the world.

- This need for growth and improvement actually makes many ENFPs rebels. This means that instead of going through the tried and tested road, they prefer to forge their own paths. They have no problem questioning the typical societal rules and if it doesn’t work for them, then they’ll choose to do something else.

●      These creative types gravitate towards careers that allow them to be writers, painters, musicians, journalists, psychologists, teachers, politicians, television reports, and social workers.

ENTP – Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving

Creative and energetic, these personality types like to make good use of logic when they communicate with others. They like to brainstorm and thrown ideas out in the open to get everyone in on the thinking game. Discussions invigorate them and help them move on to further possibilities. Note though that when conversing, they often focus on the general side of things and leave the nitty-gritty details to others. Here are some of the characteristics of an ENTP:

- They have the ability to form connections in their mind instantly and are not afraid to voice it. The problem here is that most people don’t instantly see the connection so there’s a chance that they’ll be looked at weirdly by others at first.

- Quite logical when it comes to making decisions or arriving at assessments, these personality types love to analyze things and keep subjects categorized according to their personal preferences. They essentially want to put everything in its place in the grand scheme of things.

- They love tracing connections between different parts of life, from the theoretical to the realistic. They’re the ones who will tell you about cool facts and about how seemingly small inconsequential things have a big impact in the world. They’re big fans of what is known as the butterfly effect.

- They have no problem participating in debates but tend to pause during conversations in order to contemplate specific topics.

- These types are great in conversations as they are willing to change their opinion if given sufficient information to make an impact. They’re not afraid to burst out with their doubts, but keep in mind that any arguments they may have are just their way of figuring out the truth.

- These personality types aren’t really fans of small talk and nitty-gritty details. They like to maintain their focus on the big picture and maintain their thoughts on bigger goals.

- You will often find these people in careers like lawyers, photographers, psychologists, consultants, actors, engineers, marketers, computer programmers, writers, artists, and psychiatrists.

ESFJ – Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging

Despite the similarities in many of the letters, the ESTJ and the ESFJ are wildly different. They’re both extroverts so they have no problem being part of parties or showing up in events. Here’s what you have to know about the ESFJ:

●      They like to use the words “we” and “us” a lot because this helps them establish a connection with people. Basically, they’d always want to create a sense of inclusion and make sure that everyone is in perfect harmony with each other. It’s not surprising to find them as the ones who prefer to be politically correct in everything they do.

●      They want people to feel comfortable to the point where they would even make fun of themselves just to put someone at ease. This self-deprecating humor makes them likeable in large groups. Matched with their conscious efforts not to offend anyone and you should be able to get a generally likeable person.

●      They want to relate to other people, so these are the kinds of people who will share similar experiences with you. They’d tell you they can relate or understand experiences you might have and make you feel included. They don’t like conflict and will try to stop debates or arguments.

●      They’re very good in picking up emotional tension and will try their best to diffuse the situation. The problem here is that even friendly debates are viewed as conflicts by these types, which is why even these lively conversations are actively stopped by them if possible.

●      They’re very conscious about socializing within boundaries. Sure, they have no problem being at parties, but they’re likely to leave at a time they deem appropriate. They don’t want to overstay their welcome and are therefore deeply conscious of the right amount of time to stay during social events.

●      They’re sensors, which mean that they are fully aware of the concrete needs of people. They’re the ones who will notice if someone needs water or if someone hasn’t eaten yet. They like to give solid solutions to solid problems, so don’t’ expect too many feelings from them.

●      These personality types typically have the following careers: nursing, childcare, physicians, office managers, social workers, bookkeeping, clergy, home economics, receptionists, pathologists, and religious educators.

So how do you connect with an ESFJ? Here are some things to remember:

●      Be focused with the task – An ESFJ will respect you for that. You need to be encouraging without losing sight of the ultimate goal. Greet people, be warm, encouraging, and open—but when it’s time to work, focus on the work.

●      Offer concrete evidence when making presentations. They want cold, hard facts instead of presumptions or predictions that have no basis. Always use hard data and don’t be afraid to cite your resources for that data. Make sure it’s accurate and precise, as vague information is something ESFJs hate.

●      They also want practical applications to problems. Simply put, your input should be actionable or something that can be done, measured, and observed. It doesn’t matter if its long term or short term; ESFJs have no problem with waiting for the results they want. As long as the actions leading to those results are something they have practical control over.

●      Be transparent when talking to an ESFJ about objectives and the plan on how to get to them. If you have an ESFJ working under you, it’s important to explain to them not just the end goal but also the steps you want to take in order to arrive at that end goal. They need to see how these actions have a practical link to the end result.

●      They like the status quo, especially if it’s an office policy that has been proven to work before. Hence, if you’re pushing new things to them, it’s important to explain exactly why the shift is happening. They’re not unreasonable. ESFJs have no problem welcoming something different as long as they can see the logical link between the new thing and the ultimate goal.

ESFP – Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving

Warm and caring and very enthusiastic, ESFPs are packed with energy and have the charisma to match. They often bring that unidentifiable “buzz” into a room that makes it very difficult to resist them when they’re set to make an impression. Here are some of the typical characteristics of the ESFP:

●      They love making lots of physical gestures so keep your eye out for the person who is expressive with their hands. They have a very upbeat tone that engages everyone to be part of the conversation.

●      They’re the kind of people who like to focus on the present because the future is prone to change. They make excellent storytellers and love dwelling in reality. They’re very literal and if you engage them in theoretical discussions, they’re bound to get bored quickly.

●      They don’t like being rushed, especially when it comes to making decisions.

●      ESFPs are also very good in identifying the different mannerisms of people. They can quickly tell if a person is getting bored and can therefore make their company more interesting for that person.

●      ESFPs typically gravitate to careers as painters, actors, comedians, teachers, counselors, childcare, interior design, fashion, managers, human resources, photography, coaches, and clerical supervisors. Their amazing enthusiasm makes them great motivators in any activity they choose to invest in.

Communicating with the ENFPs, ENTPs, ESFJs, and ESFPs

Since they’re all extroverts, communicating with these personality types are more or less the same. Here are basic tips on how to forge connections with people in this category:

●      Always smile and make eye contact when you greet them in the morning, or during whatever time you might see them. They’re extroverts—they’re happy to make that initial connection with you.

●      Keep the energetic vibe up with gestures that are open and encompassing. Use your hands and arms, allowing for vibrant and obvious movements that encourage participation.

●      Be responsive to questions asked and if you’re the one asking the questions, keep them open-ended. Allow these personality types to expand on their answers or give them the chance to elaborate on the topic.

●      They’re the types who think out loud so let them rant out their thoughts before pitching in. This isn’t them saying nothing out to thin air, it’s actually their thought process.

●      If you want to communicate information to them, then the best way to do that is to give personal examples or use stories. This will get their attention and make a better impact instead of just stating possibilities in a detached manner.

●      Allow them to explore different options before arriving at a decision. Try not to pressure them into arriving at a conclusion as this will only irritate them and lower the quality of their answer. Since they like to think out loud, allow them to rant it out before asking what their “final” thoughts on the matter would be. Do not assume the first thing they said is their answer because chances are they’re just going through the instances in their head.

●      If you want them to do something or are trying to convince them to be part of something, try pointing out something that you think would be fun or entertaining for them to do.

●      There will be some debate and arguments when you’re interacting with these personality types. Don’t take it personally as this is their way of having fun.

●      When trying to explain something to them, allow for more time when it comes to questions and conversations. Present the main points and let them ponder the information for as long as possible.

●      Note that people with this kind of personality type tend to use humor during tense moments. This is their way of breaking the tense atmosphere.

Take note that when angry or stressed, these personality types tend to become louder, more expressive, and heavily animated. It may seem completely out of context, but this is how they handle typical stressful situations.

ESTJ – Extrovert, Sensing, Thinking, Judging

An ESTJ is an out-loud thinker, which makes sense because they’re extroverted thinkers. They’re the ones who speak out facts and make out-loud judgments, making it seem as though they’re stating the obvious, but really, they’re just saying these ideas out loud to make them more concrete. Hence, if you want to connect with an ESTJ, don’t throw out “duh” or “obviously” reactions to them because this is exactly how their thought process works. In fact, you’ll find that even when alone, an ESTJ will talk to themselves in order to properly process their thoughts before arriving at a conclusion.

Here are other typical characteristics of the ESTJ:

●      They’re confident when speaking and like to stick to factual and realistic topics. They’re the ones who can easily remember facts and are more likely to compare past and present situations before moving forward with anything.

●      In some instances, the ESTJ can appear quite tactless as they don’t like to sugarcoat things for the sake of peace. They will try to tone down their words, but it would still be slightly edged compared to those who are used to social situations.

●      They’re the ones who enjoy debates and can still keep things friendly. They love the argumentative discourse and like it when their thoughts are said out loud and examined for a mutual give and take.

●      They’re also the ones who have a hard time maintaining an emotional situation. If the conversation needs them to be in touch with another person’s feelings, then an ESTJ would be out the door or be very uncomfortable when participating.

●      Most ESTJs are attracted to the following careers: managers, administrators, judges, financial officers, teachers, insurance agents, underwriters, and nursing administrators.

So how do you connect with an ESTJ or make an impression with this personality type? Here are some tips to get you started:

●      They receive information best via charts, graphs, or diagrams. ESTJs will definitely appreciate visual presentations of an idea, a thought, or a problem.

●      They’re the ones who like to talk over problems. They’re likely to discuss the issues by going over the information with other people before concluding with possible answers. Hence, they’re the personality types who like to brainstorm in groups.

ENFJ – Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging

They can be quite warm and engaging when in the presence of others. ENFJs always make you feel included since they use a lot of “we” and “us” in their language. These extroverts are all about unity and helping each other achieve a common goal. Here’s what to look for when with a suspected ENFJ:

●      They like in-depth conversations that are all about theories and possibilities. Remember, they’re intuitive so they tend to look towards the future.

●      They’re the ones who can anticipate the moods, emotions, and feelings of other people. They’re good conversationalists and can impact talks in a way that everyone gets exactly what they need out of the conversation. The goal for them is to make sure everyone becomes engaged and no one feels bored or left out.

●      They can be very persuasive when it comes to things they value, especially if they think it will help others. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing because their enthusiasm can sometimes be too much, irritating others around them. If you’re the receptive kind, however, their enthusiasm can be very inspiring.

●      Take careful note of how they talk. As communicators, ENFJs like to use abstracts and metaphors to make their point. When talking about something they’re passionate about, they can quickly tune out others and go off on a tangent.

●      They’re not very good in impersonal situations. ENFJs need to feel constantly connected to people, which is why they avoid technical situations and focus instead on topics that have a positive impact on their surroundings.

●      Typical careers for this type include teachers, psychiatrists, counselors, the clergy, sales representatives, human resources, event coordinators, writers, musicians, and religious workers.

ENTJ – Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging

ENTJs are confident and businesslike. They make incredible speeches that would make you think they’re visionaries. Like most extroverts, they like to vocalize their thoughts in order to facilitate processing them. Hence, they’re far more likely to talk during meetings or activities; this is simply how they handle tasks at hand, as talking creates a more concrete situation for them. Here are some of the characteristics to look at when you’re trying to identify an ENTJ:

●      They love talking out their thoughts although during these conversations, they may seem like they’re laying out hard and fast judgment. This doesn’t mean they arrive at conclusions quickly, it’s simply how they process new information best.

●      They love to argue and debate over different theories. Their strengths usually lie on theoretical issues, however, rather than technical matters of debate.

●      Don’t look at them weirdly if they talk to themselves. In many cases, this is also how ENTJs process their ideas. They also like to take notes, create charts, or make diagrams of situations in order to solve them.

●      They’re quick thinkers and tend to jump from one idea to the next when it comes to discussions. At first, the things they say can be confusing as they tend to make future predictions that are hard to follow. Some decisions seem nonsensical, but all of these actually contribute towards a long-term plan.

●      They’re bad when discussing feelings and emotions. In fact, they prefer to keep things private, often seeing emotions as irrelevant or unimportant in their lives.

●      These types tend to gravitate to careers as CEOs, founders of organizations, entrepreneurs, lawyers, judges, university professors, bankers, scientists, and analysts.

ESTP – Extrovert, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving

They’re extroverts so they are going to love friendly and lively conversations and all the physical gestures that go with it. They will hook you in with engaging expressions and their quick wit makes them very enjoyable in parties.

Here are some characterizes of the ESTP personality:

●      They’re excellent storytellers with a vocabulary that keeps them well-grounded and literal. They have the panache in the way they talk that people remain interested in what they have to say.

●      In fact, ESTPs are fairly good with body language and can easily detect the mannerisms of people around them. This simply means that they know exactly what to do and say to make a person smile, laugh, or feel better. Of course, this also means that they know what to say if they want to make someone feel bad.

●      Despite being extroverts, ESTPs like to keep their thoughts tucked inside until they’re ready to voice them. Their decisions are internally analyzed and conclusions reached before they speak out.

●      They’re also very uncomfortable when asked to talk about feelings. However, they are perfectly happy to swap stories or share experiences with other people.

●      Although this isn’t 100 percent accurate, ESTPs are usually employed as sales representatives, paramedics, computer technicians, farmers, laborers, service workers, detectives, military, auditors, comedians, craft workers, and transportation operatives.

So how do you talk to one? Here are some tips on how to communicate with an ESTP:

●      Keep it friendly and straightforward. Simplicity is the key here. You don’t want to give them unnecessary detail as this will only make an ESTP lose interest. Instead, lay down the facts as you know them and offer evidence to support your claim.

●      Here is an important thing though—when presenting to an ESTP, suggest several options that can help the ESTP make his decision. He is still going to go through the raw facts, but he will appreciate the options you’ve laid out as this will speed up the decision process for him.

●      Never underestimate their logical manner of thinking. This doesn’t mean you can’t question their analysis, you simply have to ask them how they arrived at a specific conclusion. The ESTP will actually enjoy telling you how they got from point A to point B.

●      Never rush an ESTP if you want to stay on their good side. Do not impose a time table or a chore chart and just expect them to follow through, especially if you don’t offer logical explanations for it.

Communicating with the ENFJs, ENTJs, ESTJs, and ESTPs

These personality types like to be in charge and have no problem interacting with people. They’re the kind of people who can walk in a room and instantly gain the attention of others because they have such a commanding presence. Here are some tips on how to best communicate with these personality types:

- When greeting them, keep things friendly but brief. These extrovert types don’t need the extended contact when it’s not even necessary. The same goes for when you’re telling them goodbye after a day’s work or some other social event.

- Make direct eye contact when talking to them. Speak what you want to say quickly after thinking it through. Let them know what you want and why. They will appreciate this kind of discourse instead of running around the issue.

- Explain things in a clear and matter-of-fact manner. Keep your words focused on a goal and try not to go off tangent. The important thing is to give them the main points and nothing else.

- Be honest if you don’t know the answer to a question. Tell them instead that you’ll find out the answer as soon as possible.

- Don’t be vague and interpret their words as is. If you already know exactly what they’re telling you, then don’t try to extrapolate on possible other meanings. If something is unclear, ask them outright. You should not be afraid about clarifying things with this type as they prefer this to someone who just “guesses” on what needs to be done.

- Note that when stressed, these types tend to become bossy. The best thing you can do is help them towards their goal and summon up a little humor to help with the stress.

Chapter 5: Communication Styles

Communication style is defined as the way you exchange information with other people. There are basically four styles known today: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. It’s important to make a distinction between these four because the way information is communicated to you will affect how you respond to it.

One thing you have to understand though is that you can’t box people into single communication styles. People also change the way they communicate based on the results they want to get. Hence, it’s often best to classify the communication style as it comes. Here are the different types today:

Passive

Passive communication is all about hints. You don’t directly say something, you “hint” on it and expect the other person to get the hint. This is the lowest form of communication and actually puts the burden on the person receiving the message. Simply put, when you’re communicating on a passive level, you expect the other person to correctly interpret information that you sent vaguely. It can be problematic as interpretation may not always fit the intended message. This leads to conflicts, misunderstanding, and sometimes even resentment on the part of the people communicating.

How do you know when someone is trying to tell you something different from what they’re actually saying? Passive communication usually has the following body language tells:

- Lack of eye contact or in some cases, extreme eye contact

- Dropped shoulders and hunched back

- Keep their head down

- Low voice

- Putting emphasis on certain words

- May repeat sentences in an effort to communicate what they’re trying to say

- May say phrases like: “It really doesn’t matter” or “As long as everyone is happy”

- They tend to go with the flow

Aggressive

Aggressive communication isn’t something you can just ignore. If someone communicates information in an aggressive manner, you will be able to tell. It has the following signs:

- Loud and demanding voice

- There are threats, criticisms, blames, intimidation, or any other tactic to compel you into doing what they want

- Aggressive posture

- Intense eye contact

Aggressive communication isn’t so much about conveying information but rather, telling a person what they should do. This isn’t always a negative thing as aggressiveness can be interpreted as a sign of leadership. It can extend to confrontations or telling people exactly what they think without regard of circumstances, reactions, or feelings.

Passive-Aggressive

The passive-aggressive manner of communication is perhaps the most frustrating for both the sender and the receiver. It’s a subtle combination of the two previous communication styles, allowing a person to appear passive on the surface but with a hint of aggressiveness under the layer of passivity.

What are the typical signs of this communication style? Watch out for these:

- Muttering under their breath instead of confronting a person

- Agreeing verbally but doing something else entirely

- Denying the existence of a problem despite body language showing opposition or reluctance

- Silent treatment

- Spreading rumors or talking behind someone’s back

- Saying things like, “I’m okay with it, but someone else may not like it.”

People who are passive-aggressive often feel powerless and stuck on their situation. You’d find that when a person has had enough of passivity, they take up a notch towards passive-aggressive communication. Of course, for some people, this is their default setting.

Assertive

Of all the communication styles, this is perhaps the best one as well as being the most effective. Assertiveness is a manner of communicating what you want to do without (hopefully) hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not very important if you have the same goal and mindset as other people. If that’s the case, then all you have to do is agree with each other. Assertiveness comes to the surface when you want to have an open communication with another person, allowing both of you to express your thoughts, ideas, feelings, desires, and needs—without causing friction. The goal is to create a balance so that all parties come out of the conversation content.

How do you do this? An assertive communicator has the following characteristics:

Uses “I” statements. Contrary to what you may think, this does not translate selfishness but simply validates what you feel without putting blame on other people. Words like “I feel frustrated” or “I feel helpless” lets other people into your thoughts, giving them room to adjust and empathize with your situation. It allows you to claim ownership over what you feel and the behaviors that go along with that feeling.

- Maintain contact. Contact can be in the form of eye contact or if you’re comfortable with it, a physical contact.

- Smile and assume a positive posture. Listen to what people have to say but make sure that you get your own time to speak.

- If you want to be assertive, make sure to address any objections on a point by point basis. Repeat what they said and address each one individually until you’ve tackled all the issues raised. You can then present your own, provide the benefits for it, bring forth a call to action to encourage people to join in.

- Keep your tone calm and low without any hint of smugness or superiority. In many cases, people resist new ideas simply because of the speaker or the way the new idea is introduced in a conversation. You want to make it as gentle and as friendly as possible to help people be more welcoming to the idea.

Chapter 6: Reading Lies in People

One of the most valuable skills when reading people is being able to tell when they’re lying. Admit it—you’ve always wanted to know when someone is lying to you, and that’s perfectly okay. Studies show that when lying, some people have specific “tells,” such as scratching their nose or brushing their hair with their fingers. People who play poker often use these “tells” to see if they should match the other person’s bet and whether it would be worth the trouble.

One thing I want to remind you of is that reading lies in a person is not an exact science. People’s actions when lying can vary, which is why familiarity is important. The longer you know a person, the more accurate your prediction will be about the truthfulness of what they’re saying.

So, those being the case, here are the typical signs of lying according to experts.

Understanding a Baseline

One thing I want you to remember is that when reading body language, there’s usually a “baseline” that allows you to start somewhere. A baseline is simply the “normal” way in which a person acts when around people. Hence, if a person is being truthful and confident in their surroundings, how exactly do they act? Knowing a person’s baseline lets you know when they’re acting out of character. Sure, you can walk into a room full of strangers and do a casual “read” of the room, but reading people close to you is often easier as you’ve known them for a longer period of time. You have a point of reference, to put it simply.

As mentioned, people have varied “lying” gestures. Some people just love to talk with their hands while other people just love to fidget with their hair on normal days. Hence, seeing them do this doesn’t automatically mean they are lying, it might simply be a part of their personality.

Hand Movements

People lying tend to use gestures, but they do it after speaking. Typically, you’d find people gesturing while talking because this is a natural part of the process. Their body is working with the mind in telling a story or conveying a message. In contrast, a person lying is focusing too much in making up the story that the body fails to catch up. Hence, they make up the lie first, and then perform the gestures to emphasize their point. Also take note that gestures of people who are lying often involves both hands as opposed to truthful people who only use one hand. This was noted after a 2015 study about people testifying in court cases.

Another unconscious body language done by lying people is keeping their palms away from you. It is just like a subliminal way of holding information away from other people. Hence, they may put their hands in their pocket or keep them close to their body, as if they’re trying to keep something a secret inside their palms. So basically, people who lie can go two ways with their hands: they can either use them too much or not at all.

Itching and Fidgeting

There’s a popular belief that when a person lies, they tend to scratch their nose. This isn’t true 100% of the time—but it does bear noting in many cases. It’s fairly normal for people to have an itching sensation or fidget in their seat when they’re uncomfortable; the body naturally looks for a way to distract itself. Also note that when lying, people are often nervous of what they’re saying, which causes the autonomic nervous system to fluctuate thus creating that tingling sensation all over the body. It’s a lot like the nerves you get when you sit close to someone you like during those younger days.

However, nose scratching isn’t the only itching movement associated with lying. When people lie, they can play with their hair, play with their fingers, scribble on a notebook, or perhaps the most go-to technique nowadays—they play with their phones.

Facial Expressions

Of course, let us not forget how the face itself can signify when someone is lying. The eyes in particular can tell you so much depending on when a person chooses to look at you and when they choose to look away. Looking too much or not looking at all can be indicative of lying. Some people prefer to meet your gaze when lying because they “think” this will impress upon you their sincerity. Non-experienced liars tend to look away when uttering a lie. Hence, it can be a little confusing when judging people simply through their eyes. This is why it’s important to have a baseline when it comes to people, as I will be explaining later on. One thing I want you to remember though is that a 2012 study published by PLOS One has already debunked the popular myth about where a person looks when lying. The myth goes that when a person is fabricating something, they’re looking left and when they’re recalling something, they’re looking right. This is not true as the direction people look is largely based on their mannerisms. That being the case, try not to focus too much on the direction and simply on the overall mannerisms of the person.

Change in Complexion

This one’s pretty obvious, as you read about it every day or see it as it happens every day. People blush, people become red, and people become pale depending on the circumstances. People tend to become pale when they’re nervous or when they’re afraid of something. When the skin turns a shade of red, however, that’s indicative of anger or perhaps even excitement, like when a teenager typically blushes when sitting beside their crush.

Sweat in the T Zone

This is something you definitely have to watch out for when wondering if a person is lying to you or not. The T Zone covers the area of the nose and across the forehead and then down to your mouth. Sweating is fairly common in this area if a person is lying, especially if they’re nervous about it.

Tone of Voice

Obviously, we’re trying to focus on non-verbal communication here, but the tone of voice is still a strong indicator, absent the words themselves. High-pitched voices tend to come out of nervous people as the vocal cords tighten, making it hard to push out the particular words. There can also be a croak, a stutter, or some broken words coming out of a nervous individual. Some people clear their throat to help improve their speech, which is also indicative of nervousness. In contrast, a loud and booming voice can be a sign of confidence or anger, depending on the situation. A sudden change in the volume can also be defensiveness in people, especially when confronted with possible mistakes.

The Mouth

Playing with the lips, such as rolling them backwards until they almost disappear, is another good indicator. It’s typically a sign of lying by omission as people physically try to hold back a word or a thought by pulling in their lips. If it goes the other way, however, it can be a sign of resistance or when a person doesn’t want to talk about something.

The Words Themselves

Again, we’re trying to focus on the non-verbal way of communicating, but I still want to cover all bases. After all, experienced liars can easily control their body language to match the situation. Hence, you still have to listen to the words themselves as they can indicate when a person is trying too hard to convince you of their truthfulness. Some common phrases used by liars include:

- “Honestly…”

- “Let me tell you the truth…”

- “Uh…”

- “Like…”

- “Um…”

Chapter 7: Understanding People’s Motivations

In the previous chapter we talked about lying and how to more or less tell when someone is lying to you. If you watched House , you’ll remember a quote by that famous doctor Gregory House that goes: “Everybody lies; the only variable is about what.”

So basically, what we’re trying to say is that you may be able to tell when someone is lying, but can you tell what they’re lying about, what they’re covering up, or basically what the motivation is behind the lie?

In this chapter, we’re going to talk about the motivations of people. It’s the principal thing that keeps them going and if you want to be able to read a person’s body language correctly, you need to be able to understand the motivations that drive them towards that end goal. Think of this as driving on a highway. Every person is driving towards a destination which is their main motivation. If you’re driving right alongside them, you might not be 100% sure of where they’re going. However, if you take a good look at the car’s movements, the blinkers, the position on the lane, and so on, you should be able to make a close-to-accurate prediction and therefore adjust your own driving accordingly. Even if a person lies to you, knowing what motivates them or what their “end game” is can help you figure out what the lie is all about.

This one is going to be a little more difficult so bear with me as we go through this. One more note, motives are defined as the conscious or unconscious moving factors for people’s behaviors. These motives are the reasons we do what we do. Behaviors are the performances themselves or the actuations that are reflective of a person’s motivation.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

This is possibly one of the oldest rationales for understanding human motivation. It’s not perfect, but what is? Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a lot like the Nutrition Pyramid. It explains that motives have a bottom-up approach. The bottom needs are the most basic and prevalent which must be met first before the others needs are addressed. There are five levels to basic human need, starting from the bottom, and these are: Physiological, Safety, Love/Belonging, Esteem, and Self-Actualization.

Here is a brief look at how this works:

Physiological Needs

These are the main components that are aimed towards survival. According to Maslow’s theory, humans are compelled to fulfill these needs first before they can ascend to higher levels. So what exactly are these physiological needs? These are:

- Homeostasis, or basically the balance of the body in order to preserve its living condition

- Health

- Food

- Water

- Sleep

- Clothes

- Shelter

Safety Needs

After a person meets their basic physiological needs, the next step is their safety needs. Here are the typical considerations when it comes to safety needs:

- Personal security

- Emotional security

- Financial security

- Health and wellbeing

- Safety needs against accidents and illnesses

How do these things usually show themselves in an individual? You can see this by the way individuals purchase insurance policies, set up a retirement account, get jobs with security, get a savings account, and so on. Of course, you also have to consider people who are in war zones who are seeking out security in its most basic form: physical security. You will find that when in the midst of war, people seek security to maintain homeostasis or the security of staying alive.

Social Belonging

Once you have the most basic needs and security, the next step is to seek out social belonging. We are social animals after all and the need to be accepted by our peers is one of the most common driving forces for people. The need for social belonging is typically met by the following:

- Friendships

- Intimacy

- Family

The need to be accepted in social groups is true regardless of the size of the group itself. This is why even when a person forms part of a small club in school, they still need to be part of the social circle within that club. Small social connections include family, friends, and colleagues in the typical workforce. You will notice that most people will go to extra lengths in order to have this sense of acceptance and belongingness in their chosen social circle. Failure to meet these needs lead to problems like social anxiety, clinical depression, and loneliness.

Self-Esteem

Fourth is self-esteem which is somehow connected to the third level. One thing you’ll notice is that most people use the third level to jump to the fourth. Acceptance in their social circle tends to promote a person’s self-esteem as they find themselves worthy because others find them worthy. What does this level cover? There are actually two version of this: the lower and the higher version. The higher version speaks of self-esteem derived from others. There’s a need for status, fame, prestige, recognition, and attention from others. This is the one I was mentioning before.

The more difficult version is the higher one which speaks of self-esteem deriving from your own competency. This speaks of self-confidence, of knowing that you’re capable of independence. This means being able to take care of yourself, know your needs, and have the ability to meet those needs. This gives an individual a sense of value and prevents the possibility of having an inferiority complex.

Self-Actualization

This is the toughest level of the motivation pyramid and is all about managing to reach a person’s full potential. Maslow describes it as the ability of an individual to accomplish everything they can possibly achieve in life. It is a lifetime goal and for many people, it can be difficult to actually pinpoint that lifetime goal. Others, however, know what this goal is but have a hard time reaching the lower levels.

Self-actualization can include:

- Parenting

- Partner acquisition

- Utilizing and developing abilities

- Utilizing and developing talents

- Pursuing other goals

These self-actualization motives are described by Maslow as the intrinsic drive that pushes people forward into completion. People who have a clear grasp of this goal need to understand how their four needs in the pyramid interact with each other to help them achieve the ultimate goal.

The Sixth Level - Transcendence

Oddly enough, the developer of this hierarchy has also talked about a sixth level. He called it Transcendence and according to him, it is a level of achievement where a person surrenders himself to something or someone more powerful than himself. You are probably thinking about religion, but that’s not all there is to it. Transcendence is also pursued through meditative exercises. According to him, transcendence refers to the highest and most holistic level of human consciousness.

So How Does This Help with Reading People?

If we rely completely on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you’ll note that most people’s actions are built towards reaching any of these five needs. It can be a tad difficult, but what you want to do is try to figure which of these five needs a person wants to achieve when confronted with a particular behavior. Do they want social acceptance? Do they want to achieve the basic necessities of maintaining life? Or do they want to have a sense of security? If you can figure out exactly what ultimate need one wants to fulfill, you can at least fill in the gaps in between and make a reading on what their body is saying.

Experience Matters when it comes to Motives

Obviously, there is a lot more to motivation than just figuring out which of the five needs a person wants to meet. The fact is that experience is a big predictor when it comes to figuring out motivations. Plus, it’s on a case by case basis, with YOU as a big factor in the equation. Simply put—what does this person want from me? What need is this person trying to fulfill through me? What need can I fill for this person?

Guidelines for Understanding People

Let’s say you’re ready to figure out people’s motivations and understand them to forge better connections. The question now is this: how do you start? The way you start varies from person to person, but there are certain “general rules” that can help you move forward with connections.

Here are some of the typical guidelines to make things easier for you:

Most social behaviors are hidden.

We’ve been talking about the different actions of people and what they mean, but it’s also important to look at the opposite end of the scale. You should keep in mind that more often than not, people draw in instead of pushing out. Many actions or reactions are done in order to suppress rather than express. For example, people close their arms, suck in their lips, or look away from people. It’s a pull motion rather than a push. How does this apply when you’re trying to connect with people?

Well now, you have to pay extra attention. There’s this precious moment between a push and a pull when a person starts to react about something and then quickly hold that back in because they realize that they’re showing emotions and feelings they don’t want people to see. That’s the moment you have to watch out for looking at people.

Now, you might not always catch this deliberate inaction, but knowing that they’re there is half the battle. More importantly, this should tell you that a lot of things are beneath the surface. This is why you need to focus on empathy, delving deep into the surface instead of just interpreting what people say without applying empathy. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and you should be able to at least have an idea of what they’re trying to do or what they’re trying to achieve.

Conceit trumps malice.

Another thing to keep in mind is that people aren’t naturally evil. If you’re going to guess a person’s motivation, malice should NOT be your first choice. In law, accused people are often considered “innocent until proven guilty” because the default setting is that a person is “good” unless there’s enough evidence to show that they’ve been bad. This is also important if you want to understand people better.

In any situation where people are doing something that is harmful to others, first assume that they’re doing it because they’re unaware or ignorant, or believe that their way is more important. By having this mindset, you are more likely to react in a kinder manner. Chances are you’d react by explaining to them exactly why their choice of action is not the best one. In contrast, walking into a situation believing a person is simply “evil” makes you react badly, perhaps even rudely or even violently.

Selfish altruism often dictates behavior.

Selfishness is often viewed as a desire to please only yourself while altruism is its exact opposite. Altruistic people are said to be selfless or want only the best for others. Oddly enough, people are driven by these two factors at the same time. Perhaps the simplest way to explain this is: people are giving, but they are giving in a way that also helps themselves. For example, people have no problem lending money to a friend, knowing that this particular friend can help them fix their computer or fix their car without charge. You trade in a car from a dealer and the two of you benefit. In some cases, helping someone is a sign that you have more power than that person, therefore helping you establish a feeling of dominance over another person.

Memory is fickle.

Another thing that might help you in understanding people for the better is that they don’t have excellent memories. Memory is incredibly fickle for people and people are likely to forget certain things, ideas, or concepts. Hence, if you’re expecting someone to call or someone promised to do something for you, you can always assume it’s because they simply forgot instead of deliberate malice. Do not go this route and assume that people are naturally evil as this will leave you feeling bitter and closed to the possibility of connecting and understanding others. You can also make this memory work in your favor. This is because when it comes to connecting with others, people are more likely to remember you if there are similarities as opposed to dissimilarities.

People are more emotional than they let on.

Have you ever looked at someone being given surprising news and they seem to have very little reaction to it? The truth is that people are more emotional than they let on. There’s something seething there beneath the surface and it’s important to recognize that emotion even if you don’t see it bubble out. It’s perfectly normal for people to hold their feelings in; outbursts are usually frowned upon in society and flamboyant enthusiasm is discouraged. This is especially true for men so if you are trying to figure out a significant man in your life, you have to remember that they may not always be displaying their actual thoughts and emotions. Do not call people out on it unless you have to, but take it into consideration when interacting with them.

Unfortunately, the reverse of this holds true too. Unless you have made a full display of emotions or had a breakdown, people generally assume you’re okay and act as if nothing has changed. It can be quite frustrating if you’re the one who’s suppressing your emotions, but it feels perfectly fine for those at the other end. If you’re on the opposite side of the situation (which means you’re the one holding in your emotions), then do not take it personally. Don’t assume that they should know your thoughts because people can only see as much as you allow them to see.

Chapter 8: Reading the Face and Body – Cues and What They Mean

Body language is a wide field and contrary to what you may think, it’s not just the “body” per se but also covers facial expressions, posture, gesture, eye movements, body movement, and even the lack of body movement itself. Body language is not unique to humans though; in fact, it’s very obvious if you watch animals during their mating season. The dances and postures are hardly subtle as they do their best to attract the opposite sex.

But what about us humans? Body language in humans is far more complicated so you’ll have to be doubly observant. Unlike animals, there are lots of possible motivations that affect our body language. Even worse, some people make it a point of controlling their body’s natural reaction or make sure that nothing shows through their body and facial expressions. Sometimes, they even fake those postures to give others the wrong impression. Just watch a poker tournament and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

The Science of Body Language

One thing you should note is that body language reading is not some pseudoscience. It has actually been studied for years and has been solidified by legitimate studies. Today, the science of studying body language is called Kinesics and was founded by Ray Birdwhistell. It covers the following actions or conditions:

●        Facial expressions

●        Body posture

●        Eye movement

●        Use of space

●        Touch

●        Gestures

Facial Expressions

How good are you at reading facial expressions? There are currently tests online that tells you whether you’re good at reading facial expressions or not. In fact, some tests like Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test checks to see whether you can read a person’s mind simply by looking at their eyes. If you’re interested in taking the test yourself, check the website: socialintelligence.labinthewild.org/mite. See how well you fare and then just come back to this book if you want. For purposes of improving communication, we’re going to include all the elements that are included in reading facial expressions, which involves the eyes, eyebrows, lips, nose, and even the wrinkles around the eyes and mouth.

●       Pupil – There is practically no way to fake the movement of the pupils when reading facial expressions. The pupils of the eye contract and expand without any sort of control on the part of a person. Typically, the pupils will expand when a person is interested and contract when they’re not.

●       Blinking Motion – The eyes typically blink six to ten times per minute. When a person looks at something they find interesting, however, that blinking rate slows down drastically. It’s therefore a great indicator when someone finds something interesting or attractive. In fact, it’s often used as a sign of flirting or interest in a romantic setting. In an office or social setting, unblinking eyes could be a signal that a person is very interested in what you have to say and listening to you throughout.

●       Raising the head – Raising the head from a lowered position is a sign of captured interest. Think of a student who’s looking down during an exam who suddenly raises their head when they hear something important. This is the kind of movement that we are trying to describe in this situation.

●       Head tilt – A head tilt usually starts from a normal position of the head and then juts out at an angle. This is what makes it different from the motion of raising your head from a lowered position. A head tilt also indicates interest, usually towards the person or activity where it happens to be tilted to. When combined with facial expressions like a narrowing of the eyebrows, it can be a sign of confusion, curiosity, questioning, or uncertainty. A head that’s tilted backwards may be a sign of suspicion.

Of course, let’s not forget the typical head gestures that mean practically the same for everyone. These are:

●        Nodding – usually signifies agreement

●        Shaking the head – usually signifies disagreement

What’s important about these gestures is that people are often conscious about doing this. Hence, it can be easily controlled by them, depending on the situation. Some are able to stop the motion entirely while others turn it into very subtle gestures so that it would be very difficult to notice.

Hands, Arms, and Gestures

●      Shrug – A shrug is composed of multiple gestures which include exposed palms, hunched shoulders, and raised brows. It’s a universal sign that indicates lack of knowledge or uncertainty over a particular activity. It can often be translated as a sign that the other person doesn’t know what you’re saying or doesn’t understand what you’re trying to convey.

●      Clenched Hands – Clenched hands are a sign of repression. You’re trying to prevent the burst of emotions like anger or frustration. It’s a self-containment mechanism often used by people who don’t want to do or say something out of order. In some cases, you can read this gesture as a sign that someone has a closed mind on what you’re trying to say. In the alternative, open and relaxed hands are a sign of comfort and show a positive attitude with a mind welcome to new ideas.

●      Hand Wringing – This is often interpreted as a sign of anxiety or nervousness. Playing with something in your hands also has the same interpretation.

●      Handshake – You have to be careful with handshakes as this can tell so much about a person and vice versa. I’m sure you’ve managed to have presumptions of people simply because of the way they shook your hand. The best handshake is often considered to be a firm, dry grip, that’s quick but not too long. It shouldn’t be too tight as to cause pain, but it should be strong enough to signify competence on the part of the person shaking their hand. My advice is you practice your handshake with another person to help you decide on the best pressure to use when greeting someone this way. Note though—not all cultures accept handshakes as a viable way of greeting others. For example, people in India or those who practice the Muslim faith do not approve of handshakes as a way of greeting between men and women.

●      Covering the mouth – Doing this is often shown as a sign of repression, like a person wanted to say something but decided against it at the last minute. Some people use this gesture as a way to show thinking or a thought process.

Body Posture and Movement

You’ve probably noticed that reading body language involves paying attention to different parts of the body all at once. Some gestures are centered in just one area, like the face, and therefore are slightly easier than others. Some gestures, however, are scattered all over the body, which means that different parts are moving all at once. This makes it tougher to do a reading, but you’ll find that with practice, the whole thing becomes easier.

Body posture and movement is a big predictor of a person’s thoughts and emotions. The general position of the chest, shoulders, legs, and so on will tell you if a person is aggressive, afraid, unsure, excited, and so on. Here are some of the typical changes in the body and what they indicate:

●      A pumped out chest is a sign of power and dominance. Typically, when the chest is spread out, the shoulders are also stretched into a straight line, pushing the chest forward and making the person appear bigger. Combined with hands placed on the hips and this can be dubbed as the “Superman” pose which makes a person appear bigger and occupy more space. This is often seen as a sign of confidence and dominance. If you’ll notice, many animals in the wild, when protecting their territory or trying to attract a mate, tend to make their bodies appear bigger so that they’ll be easily noticed. Men and women do the same thing and often for the same reasons.

●      Touching the chest can also be a sign of sincerity. You’ll notice how people do this when they’re trying to apologize or communicate how bad they feel or their condolences to another person.

●      Scratching or touching the chest can also be a sign of discomfort.

Breathing

Breathing can tell you a lot about what a person feels. You’ve probably noticed this already, not just in other people but also in yourself. For example, you might hold your breath when excited or take short and shallow breaths when scared. Typically, deep and even breaths are indicative of relaxation, such as when you’re sleeping or when you’re sitting down watching a relaxing movie. Excessive, shallow, or holding your breath, on the other hand, can be a sign of emotional turmoil. According to experts, mirroring a person’s breathing pattern can also help forge a connection of mutual understanding between the two of you. Being able to match someone’s breathing pattern essentially allows you to create a sense of normalcy in the situation, thereby pulling them into a sense of relaxation. Of course, this takes some skill to do, especially if the situation is really nerve wracking. At the very least, being able to identify nervous breathing patterns can help you adjust your stance to make the other person feels comfortable—all without a word said to each other.

Proxemics

An excellent non-verbal way of communication is proxemics, which is the measurable distance between people. Basically, it characterizes relationships between people depending on their preferred distances in given situations. People often have personal space or a perceived territory that they’re uncomfortable sharing with others. Think of this in a social setting. Would you feel comfortable if someone you met for the first time stands just mere inches away from you? Of course not! But if you’re with your spouse or partner, you have no problem holding hands or putting your arms around each other. This is exactly what proxemics looks into and fortunately, the developer (Edward T. Hall) has done his research. He managed to write down the specifics of proximity and what they often indicate of relationships between people. Note that this proximity usually refers to men as women usually have a different idea on what the proper distance is in different situations:

Intimate Distance

This covers situations of touching, embracing, or even whispering

●        Close – less than 6 inches

●        Far – 6 to 18 inches

Personal Distance

This typically involves interactions between family members or good friends

●        Close – 1.5 to 2.5 feet

●        Far – 2.5 to 4 feet

Social Distance

This is the typical distance between acquaintances

●        Close – 4 to 7 feet

●        Far – 7 to 12 feet

Public Distance

This is the distance used for public speaking purposes

●        Close – 12 to 25 feet

●        Far – 25 feet or more

It’s also important to note that distance can affect the posture or gestures of people. This is because there are instances when people don’t have a say on the distance they have with others. For example, if you’re in a cramped elevator or in a commercial airline, you do not exactly have the option of moving your body farther away from another person. In these instances, the rest of the body compensates by taking on some other form or angle relative to their position. This is why people in a cramped elevator tend to focus on their phones or look at any other direction aside from the person they’re next to. In the alternative, people who are in an intimate relationship, or would like to be in an intimate relationship, tend to sit close to each other often.

Remember what we said about culture in a previous chapter though? Acceptable proximity range varies from culture to culture. For example, touching cheeks with each other can be a typical greeting in some countries while in others; this is reserved for close family and friends.

Oculesics

This is actually a subcategory of body language. It focuses primarily on the movement of the eye, gazes, and other eye-centric movements that can help indicate what a person is thinking or feeling. Remember how people used to say the eyes are the windows to the soul? Well, there’s a little bit of truth into it and with oculesics, you can have a bit more insight (pardon the pun!) on how the eyes can tell you what a person thinks or feels without a single word being said. This body language technique is limited by culture, however, as eye gestures can change from one country to the next. For example, Latinos view extended eye contact as a sign of aggression while in some cases, it can show interest in an individual. Asians see eye contact as anger while with Anglo-Saxons, the gesture could mean that they are telling the truth.

Haptics

Haptics is a non-verbal communication style that deals primarily with touching. Touching or skin-to-skin contact is perhaps the very first way people communicate. Parents communicate or connect with their babies through touch via different gestures. In fact, according to the Body Language Project, touching is the most developed sense at birth. In day-to-day life, touching includes handshakes, pats on the back, ruffles of the hair, brushes of the cheek, and so on. It signifies communication at different levels, managing to showcase all kinds of emotions from excitement, happiness, anger, devastation, and disappointment.

Haptics currently has five categories of communication by touch:

●      Functional or Professional. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, it refers to touch made in the office setting. One thing you have to remember in the office however is that touching is rarely encouraged. While at work, you’re expected to maintain formal relationships, which means that skin-to-skin contact is not well-received. So when is touching okay? Usually, touching gestures in the workplace are indicative of close friendship or sometimes a “congratulations” for a job well done. It’s a way of acknowledging that someone did well in their workplace, the gesture often encompassing a slap on the back, a handshake, or a simple squeezing motion of the shoulders.

●      Friendship or Warmth. This doesn’t really necessitate explanation because friendly gestures may vary from one person to the next. Women hug close while men tend to have an energetic hug followed by a controlled slap on the back. Some people do some air kisses; others do a complicated handshake routine, while others happily hug it out.

●      Social or Polite. These are the gestures you make in a repetitive manner. They’re indicative of ritual reaction like how you greet a friend, how you act upon meeting family members, and so on. They’re the kind of actions you don’t think about doing because they form part of the usual interaction with other people.

●      Love or Intimacy. This is all about emotional attachment and is usually displayed between romantic partners. They are public gestures that indicate that a person is “taken.” You’ve probably seen this through hand holding, an arm around the shoulders, or placing hands on the hips.

●      Sexual or Arousal. This one’s a tad different to intimacy because this has sex for its motivation. During these touches, the intent is to have sexual relations or perhaps right after one. It is often done in private although the extent of public display depends primarily on the culture of the people displaying it.

Chapter 9: Verbal Cues – Reading Between the Lines

Like it or not, most communication nowadays is done through words – either written or oral. With the internet, written communication through email or chat messages are becoming the norm, which means that your ability to read people shouldn’t be limited to just face-to-face conversations.

In this chapter, we’re going to do our best to decipher what people are really saying behind their words. Often dubbed as “reading between the lines” or “reading the room,” it’s important for you to make a distinction between what people SAY and what they MEAN.

A word of caution before we go any further: you should know that there are people who mean exactly what they say. Take a good look at the MBTI we talked about in a previous chapter. The NT types are usually the ones who will tell you exactly what they want and it would be in the most literal way possible—although, of course, this may vary depending on the situation and the unique style of the person. In these instances, I want you to follow a rule in law: when the words are clear, you interpret them as straightforward and apply accordingly. Only when it is ambiguous and vague should you consider the other cues in deciphering exactly what a person is trying to say.

Being a Better Listener

Obviously, the first step in learning how to read between the lines is first listening with as much attention as you can muster. When listening, your main goal should be to learn new information. Don’t be one of those people who simply listens in order to be polite to the person talking. Instead, aim to find out something or glean information from them. You need to be curious about what the other person is saying; otherwise you won’t really absorb anything. Here’s a test: if you walked out of a conversation without learning anything new, then you weren’t really listening.

How do you become a better listener? Here are some tips:

Ask More Questions

Asking questions actually tells a person that you are interested and listening to the words they say. More importantly, questions allow you to clarify the situation, making it easier for you to forge connections between the information being given. This makes it possible for you to simplify the image in your head, arrive at conclusions, and practice empathy or sympathy, as the case may be. Asking questions allows other people to elaborate and explain their position. More importantly, it encourages truthfulness in people because they feel compelled to tell you the unvarnished truth as recognition of the attention you are actually giving them.

Practice Active Listening

This is a technique that’s been used for years and can help you really understand and create a story in your head. According to the director of the Center for Leadership at Northwestern University, active listening is simply repeating back what the speaker just said to you. It’s like a little recap just to make sure that the two of you are on the same page. The fact is that while listening, there is lots of opportunity to misunderstand what the other person is saying. Active listening or a recap of what the other person said tells them that you’re on the same page or if not, it lets them correct any misconceptions you might have about the situation.

Wait Before Responding

Except for the instances when you need clarification, it’s important to stay quiet until the speaker is finished. It’s a typical rule in debates, meetings, and conversations, but you’ll be surprised at how often people fail to follow this basic rule. The fact is that people can be so impatient that they don’t even bother listening to a proposal completely before deciding to voice their thoughts, opinions, arguments, or even agreements. This can be frustrating for the speaker and makes it impossible for you to fully absorb all the ideas at once. Also note that every interruption can distort the message the person is trying to convey, therefore making it more difficult for them to explain their standpoint.

Take Note of the Tone

As we previously mentioned, the tone of voice can convey so much about a person. A low voice adds a sense of authority, a high-pitched one conveys nervousness, stammering can indicate doubt, and fast-paced words can indicate anxiety. Also paying attention to which words are given emphasis can change how the sentence is perceived. For example, they may be putting emphasis on the word “maybe” or perhaps they stuttered the word “yes” as a reply. This could be indicative that although they want to say NO, they’re put in the position where they can’t refuse.

Take Note of the Modifying Words

During your first few years in school, you are taught about sentence structure. There’s the subject and the verb. I ran. I walked. I ate. These are all complete sentences and they’re as straightforward as they come. Even with those words, however, you can quickly tell something about the talker in that all of those things were done in the past. After all, all the verbs are used in the past tense.

Most sentences are not that simple. When speaking or writing, people use adjectives or adverbs. They use modifiers that lengthen the sentence while at the same time adding a bit more information on the activity and the speaker.

For example, instead of “I walked,” the sentence is “I walked quickly.”

Or instead of “I ate,” the sentence is “I ate fast food.”

The modifiers or added information in those sentences are “quickly” and “fast food.” They’re little clues that tell people more about what you are trying to say.

For example, “quickly” can imply several things depending on the situation. It could mean that a person is late, which is why they started to walk quickly. It could mean that they’re trying to catch the bus or even arrive home ahead of someone. It tells you that there is something more to the story than just simply walking towards a specific goal. The defining words “fast food” could indicate that a person didn’t have the time to cook or that they’re still hungry.

Take a Holistic View

Reading between the lines effectively often means looking at the whole picture. You watch out for the words, the tone, the facial expression, and the gestures a person makes in order to fully understand what they’re trying to tell beneath the surface. There will be times when the message is confusing as what a person says is opposite of what their body is saying.

So how do you make the call? How do you decide between these two messages?

If you want to play it safe, then sticking to what a person is saying is almost always the better option. You listen to what they say and you interpret it without considering the subtle body language that indicates the opposite. However, if you’re confident of your reading and know the person fairly well to take that leap of chance, then do so! Just keep in mind that your actions have consequences, not just with yourself but with this other person.

Follow Where the Line Leads

You’ll also notice that many people ask seemingly polite questions that actually lead them to the information they actually want. This is fairly common in first dates when you want to find out about sensitive information through seemingly simple questions.

Here are the typical statements that, when combined with tone and body language, can mean completely different things:

- “I don’t kiss up to anybody” – I don’t care what people think, I’m going to say what I want to say.

- “I don’t care what anyone thinks” – I’m really insecure and worry about what other people might think of me.

- “It’s not you, it’s me” – It’s actually you that is the problem.

- “I have to learn for myself” – I want to be independent or I don’t want you to see me be stupid.

- “I’m just crazy like that” – I have no idea what I’m doing and I want people to find it amusing.

- “What do you do for a living?” – Usually, this is a polite way of asking a person how much money they’re making. This is a need that connects with socio-economic security.

- “We need to talk about our relationship” – This can be a dangerous thing when said by a woman. Usually, this statement is said when a woman wants to reassess a relationship or tell her partner everything she thinks is being badly done in the relationship.

- “Deep down, he’s a good person” – Everything this person has been doing so far indicates he’s a bad person.

- “Do I look fat in this?” – I know I look fat, but I want you to tell me otherwise.

- “I’m always honest, if you don’t like the truth then don’t ask me” – I don’t care if what I say will hurt your feelings, I’m going to say it anyway

- “Fine, let’s talk” – If this comes from a man, this is usually a sign of resignation. They’re willing to talk, but they’re not going to be happy about it.

- “Do you think she’s pretty?” – If this comes from a woman, this can be her asking if you’re too stupid to admit that you find someone else prettier than her.

- “It’s really nice meeting you” – I probably won’t remember your name later.

- “Nothing” – If this comes from a woman, this can be indicative of anger or frustration.

I want you to remember that these interpretations aren’t 100% accurate. The translations vary depending on the situation and the person you’re talking to.

Chapter 10: The Art of Thin Slicing

Time and again, I talked about the importance of practice and experience in this book. I placed emphasis on the fact that you need to know a person or at the very least, be able to establish a baseline before making readings or arriving at conclusions about a specific individual.

You’re probably asking: but what if I don’t know the person for a long time? What if I never have the chance to actually know them? I have to be honest, so far in this book, I still haven’t discussed the possibility of “speed reading” people through non-verbal communication. There will be instances when you don’t have the luxury of time. You will need to make a snap second decision on a particular situation based only on non-verbal cues. What do you do then?

Let me introduce to you the concept of thin-slicing.

This is a concept that’s been talked about by various authors, including best-selling writer, Malcolm Gladwell in his book: Blink.

What Is Thin Slicing?

Thin-slicing is a “reading” technique that needs only a short span of time for reading. It’s actually a term used in psychology which describes a person’s ability to find patterns and make conclusions based only on very small factors or narrow windows of exposure—hence the thin slices. The beauty here is that even with such thinly sliced information; you can still get accurate results as if you’ve observed this person for a long period of time.

How Thin-Slicing Translates to Day-to-Day Life

In Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink , he talks about how art connoisseurs often know when a particular work of art is the real thing or just the copy of an original. In that split second that they see something, even before all the scientific tests are done, they can say when a work does not deserve all the accolades given to it. A good example would be the Getty Kouros which was sold for 10 million dollars and was verified by scientists to be from around 530 B.C. However, many art scholars look at it and see a modern forgery, which means that it’s not worth the 10 million dollars that was used to buy it.

This split-second ability of art scholars to identify what’s fake and what’s not is the very context of thin-slicing. Believe it or not, we also do this in day-to-day life, you just might not realize it yet. Here are some situations when thin-slicing has been proven to be effective.

First Impression

Have you ever listened to a lecture for five minutes and could instantly tell if the lecturer is a good one or not? Studies show that students listening to a five-minute lecture are capable of judging whether a professor is good or not, in the same way as a student who has had that same professor for the whole semester. It seems that first impressions can be just as accurate, before any sort of assessment or ideas float into your head that interfere with this thin-slice. One interesting thing, however, is that women seem to have better thin-slicing capabilities compared to men.

Speed Dating

Funny enough, thin-slicing is also used in speed dating situations to help single individuals find life partners. In fact, even that simple 15-minute interaction with a person is more than enough time for men and women to decide on whether they’d want to meet someone for a second date or not. Another interesting thing to note though is that female speed daters tend to focus on the negative characteristics of men and are generally more critical of the men in the lineup. On the flipside, men are more open-minded in speed dating and seem to have lower standards in these instances. In any case, if you find yourself doubtful of doing speed dating, then you should know that there’s actually enough evidence to back up this method of finding a life partner.

Social Media Profiles

If you’re not big on face-to-face meet-ups, then you can check out Tinder, which is a social media app that also allows you to technically go on a speed date. Really, when it comes right down to it, there’s no other platform better than social media profiles to practice your thin-slicing capabilities. Just by going through a person’s newsfeed, you can immediately tell what kind of person they are, the things they like, their hobbies, job, and the social culture they surround themselves with.

This isn’t really surprising since social media profiles present the many sides of an individual in one convenient package, allowing visitors to have a fairly good judgment on who they’re talking to. This has a big impact in the dating scene, especially if you have a Tinder profile. Another import impact this has on your life is through job searches. Nowadays, potential employers take a good look at profiles of potential employees and make judgment calls on what they see on the newsfeed.

Sexual Preferences

Another interesting aspect of life where thin-slicing seems to be practiced is in sexual preferences. A study conducted in 1999 showed that people can actually perceive a person’s sexual orientation accurately. Based only on silent videos spanning 10 seconds, people had an accuracy rate of 70% when perceiving a person’s gender preference or sexual orientation. Perhaps not so surprising is that homosexuals are more accurate in perceiving sexual preferences than heterosexuals. Perhaps there’s such a thing as “gaydar” after all!

Personality Disorder

Have you ever looked at someone and felt like something is “off” with them? It turns out that personality disorders are something people can perceive through thin-slicing. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what lets you know when someone is a tad off, but most people who notice it often react accordingly by limiting their interaction with that particular person—or perhaps paying more attention, depending on what they want to achieve.

Detecting Lies

Okay, so I just dedicated a whole chapter to this so it doesn’t really bear repeating. Let’s just say that most people have a gut feeling when they’re being lied to. Perhaps one of the most powerful examples of thin-slicing lies is when it comes to relationships. Women often talk about how they just “feel” that their husband or significant other is cheating on them. A study conducted by the University of Texas at El Paso once tested the theory of thin-slicing by asking one group to provide a verbal rationale for why they did something.

It turns out that the group asked to rationalize their decisions performed more poorly than the group asked to just make their decisions instantaneously and upon gut instinct. What does this tell us? That when confronted with rationalized thinking, gut instincts or thin slices can be easily sway by logic. Is this a bad thing or a good thing? It depends on the context and in all honesty, this book cannot tell you about which decision would be better.

Parent Interactions

One interesting aspect where thin-slicing becomes prominent is the interaction of parents with their children. According to research, a parent’s tone of voice when addressing a normal child and one with a behavioral problem have a slight variation that’s obvious enough to be noted by teachers. This is crucial in educational settings as teachers meet parents on the first day of class. By simply watching that parent-child interaction, teachers can already tell if they have to pay more attention to the child for behavioral issues, or if they can relax knowing that the child will behave. Surprisingly enough, the same seems to hold true. Simply through teacher-student interaction, observers can tell which teachers are biased and which ones have unrealistic expectations over their charges.

What’s in Thin-Slicing?

Here’s a question: what’s the element we’re looking at when it comes to thin slicing? Yes, we’re looking at a small portion of information to judge a whole, but what information are we really looking at? For example, when speed dating, what particular factor do women look at in deciding that they want to see a man again or not? What is the heaviest element that decides the case?

As much as I want to answer this question, the fact is that it varies from one situation to the next. In an effort to answer this question, however, let me give you an example.

In Malcom Gladwell’s book, he talked about thin-slicing marriages. Within seconds of seeing a couple, one can instantly tell if it will result in a divorce or not. But what exactly does one look at to determine the length of a marriage?

Accordingly, this one element is: contempt. Marriages that seem to be doomed to fail involve those where one partner seems to be contemptuous of another. This means that one in a couple feels superior over the other and interacts with them in a way that makes the other person feel less of a person. Contempt can be seen through some of the interactions between these couples, which leads to a conclusion that they’re not bound to last.

So is this true for all thin-slices? Can you just focus on ONE element and already make an accurate prediction of a specific situation? Studies show that you can, but again, the accuracy is not as reliable as when you rely on big slices of information.

So How Do I Do This Thin-Slicing?

The question now is this: are you in the position to thin-slice? What skills do you have to master in order to be able to do this?

The good news is that thin-slicing is something that you innately have. I’m pretty sure that you’ve made decisions based on “instinct” before and this is largely what thin-slicing is all about. You make decisions based on very little information that you’ve gathered combined with a gut feeling that compels you to follow a specific direction.

But how should you correlate this with the previous chapters that encourage you to study, listen, and observe as much as you can before making a decision? Well, I want to remind you that there are instances when you have the luxury of studying an individual. If you have this option and could take the time to make your decision, then take it! If your time is limited, however, then thin-slicing would be an acceptable method, even if you might not be 100% comfortable about it.

Chapter 11: What About Me?

So far in this book, we talked about other people. Specifically, about the different personality types, how to identify a personality type, how to read body language, and so on. Really, the only thing we haven’t talked about is: you. When it comes right down to it, YOU are the most important part of the equation.

Why is this? I’d like to remind you that this book’s ultimate goal is to help you connect with people, and not all connections are equal. The way you connect with a work friend is very different from the way you connect with a school friend or a neighbor. Would you tell a work friend in-depth information about yourself in the same way you’d tell a high school friend or your best friend? Of course not!

Of course, that’s not the only factor at play here. The way you communicate is also dictated by the kind of person you are. All the personality types and traits we discussed in a previous chapter all apply to you too! Hence, you have to figure out if you’re an introvert or extrovert, an intuitive or a sensor, a thinker or a feeler, and a perceiver or judger.

Why is this important? Well, your ability to connect with people is limited by your own personality. For example, if you’re an extrovert, how are you supposed to connect with someone who is an introvert? If you’re a feeler, how do you make connections with someone who is a sensor? This is why I strongly encourage you to take the test and learn as much about yourself as possible. This is crucial because if you really want to make that connection, you might find yourself in situations that you’re uncomfortable in. For example, extroverts form connections even when they spend time in large groups. Introverts, however, prefer quiet one-on-one interactions.

So what happens now? The goal of this chapter is to introduce a comfortable medium between two opposing personality types. I don’t want you to think this means that there are personality types that will never be compatible with each other. The great thing about working with people is that they have the capacity to adapt. Given the right incentive, you can adjust to accommodate other people and vice versa.

Here are some of the actions you need to keep in mind:

Negative Body Language

●       Arms folded in front of the body

●       Tense or minimal facial expression

●       Body turned away from another person

●       Downcast eyes

●       No eye contact

Disengagement Body Language

●       Bad sitting posture

●       Writing or doodling

●       Gazing or staring off into space

●       Downcast head

●       Fidgeting or fiddling with some items

Positive Body Language

Have an open posture. Keep the muscles relaxed without slouching on the chair. Keep your body upright and hands placed on the side or comfortably folded in front of you. This will give the appearance of being open to the conversation, engagement, and willingness to listen to what the other person has to say.

Avoid touching your face when talking to another person. While it’s not necessarily true, most people view face touching as a sign of dishonesty. For example, there are people who touch or scratch their nose when answering a question. When this happens, the other person often views this action as dishonesty on the part of the other person. Again, this isn’t technically true, but you don’t have control on how other people think. Hence, try to avoid doing this when you’re trying to make a good impression during a conversation.

Maintain eye contact. Maintaining another person’s gaze during a conversation is a sign of engagement, interest, and sincerity. It’s a good way of communicating your interest without saying a word. In certain instances, it can be an excellent way to silently encourage someone in doing a performance, a presentation, or some other activity.

Use a firm handshake. Firm doesn’t necessarily mean painful—it’s simply a firm grip that helps communicate your sincerity and resolution in the meeting. It’s often seen as a way of showing the other person that you have a strong personality and are willing to back up your decisions in the conversation. During job interviews or meeting a potential client, it’s an excellent non-verbal way to assure them of your trustworthiness. Play this carefully; a too-tight grip will make you seem aggressive while a limp one will make you seem weak and easily controlled.

Body Language During Public Speaking

Remember, it’s not enough that you can read other people’s body language, it’s also important that you can evoke the right emotion you want through your own body language. Knowing how to position and move your body is crucial in many situations, but none as important as when you’re speaking in public.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when public speaking:

Maintain a positive posture. Stand or sit upright with your shoulders and arms at your sides. You can fold your hands in front of you or keep them relaxed at your sides. Obviously, if you’re engaging in public speaking, then you will be using those hands to emphasize what you’re trying to say through gestures. Whatever you do, do NOT slouch or put those hands in your pockets, as this would make you look like you’re not really interested in the situation.

Practice your posture in front of the mirror if necessary. You practice what you’re supposed to say in your presentation, so why not include the way you actually do that presentation? The goal here is to make yourself look competent without being aggressive or arrogant. Keep your head up but keep a slight tilt to your mouth to maintain a positive façade.

Make use of open hand gestures. We already talked about this. Open hand gestures invite the audience to listen and give off positive vibes. If you can’t keep your hands relaxed at your sides, then position them so that the upper arms are close to your body and the palms are facing up. This communicates a willingness to communicate on a deeper level.

There will be instances when your audience might be slipping off or no longer listening to what you’re saying. If this seems to be happening, you can try leaning slightly forward while speaking. This subtle move lets the audience think that you’re taking them into your confidence. It’s the same gesture people make when they’re trying to tell a secret, making you feel as though you’re part of the group. This gesture instantly gains the attention of people and allows you to keep them present.

Don’t Forget the Golden Rule!

Remember, the whole point of this book is to help you connect with people, so I need you to understand that the Golden Rule still applies here. What’s that? It simply states: Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Hence, if you want to connect with people and forge stronger relationships with them, you’ll have to keep their wants and needs in mind. If you find yourself getting mixed signals or unsure about how to go forward, just ask yourself, Would I want this for me? If you don’t want the same thing to be done to you, then it makes sense that others don’t want it to be done to them too!

Body Language During Interviews

Interviews are also an excellent time to practice your body language reading skills and, more importantly, your skills in responding correctly to the body language you’ve read. During interviews, you want to create a positive impression on your interviewer in order to get the results you want, such as getting hired for a job or getting their approval over something. Here are some tips that should help create a positive experience through body language:

Use mirroring. You’ve probably heard about this often, which is only normal because it really works. Mirroring is a technique where you subtly mirror or copy the body language of the person you’re talking to. This has the effect of building rapport as mirroring makes it look like the two of you are on the same page. Note though, mirroring is a fairly well known technique nowadays so there’s a chance the interviewer also knows you’re doing it. Hence, it’s important not to copy every single gesture they make as this will have the opposite effect.

Put emphasis on the gestures that show interest. Do not overdo it, but make a point of nodding, smiling, and keeping your body relaxed during an interview. The technique of slightly leaning in towards your interviewer can also work here, allowing you to create the illusion of rapport.

When asked a difficult question, don’t be afraid to pause and think about what you’re going to say first. Touch your cheek, gaze off a little, or bite your lips. This will show the interviewer that you’re reflecting on your answer or putting the proper amount of thought into it.

Obviously, do NOT show any negative body postures such as slouching or resting your chin on your hands in what seems to be a bored position. Don’t make any unnecessary gestures such as tapping your hands or feet. These are signs of boredom or disinterest and will give a negative impression.

What is my personality type?

Another question you should explore about yourself would be your own personality type based on the MBIT descriptions we’ve given in the past chapters. I want you to be aware of your own strengths and shortcomings when it comes to connecting and communicating with people. You might be an introvert trying to connect with an extrovert, which makes the job doubly hard for you. Perhaps the situation is vice versa. Hence, your ability is limited by your own means and by realizing your personality type, you should be able to make headway and figure out what factors are holding you from reaching your goals.

What is my communication style?

Now, we have to talk about the kind of communicator you happen to be. You might not realize it, but you have a specific way of communicating and so do other people. The goal is to adjust your communication style slightly so that you can easily connect with others through verbal and non-verbal means.

Here are the typical communication styles today. Keep in mind that these communication styles apply to others as well as to you:

Analytical Communicator

The analytical communicator makes good use of data and real numbers. If this is you, then you like to use references when establishing your point. For example, you say, “Twenty percent of people in the financial industry are male” or some such other number. When a person says “a large number of workers in the financial industry are male,” you’re likely to say: what does “large number” mean exactly? Hence, these are the kind of people who feel impatient or intolerant of conversations centered on feelings and emotions. If this is you, then this is probably your biggest drawback as you are likely to become silent during emotional conversations, having problems saying what you think or feel into words.

The advantage is obvious—analytical communicators are very good when it comes to logical conversations. They think before they talk and do not like chatty and shallow conversations.

If you prefer this type of communication, keep in mind that you may sound completely cold or unfeeling. People are going to feel unsure about making emotional gestures towards you because they think you’re going to react badly to them. You have to learn how to be a bit softer or open up to others in order to encourage discourse.

Intuitive

Intuitive communicators are the kinds who likes to see the big picture. They start with the general rule and then whittle it down to the basics. They are really not fond of the details but prefer a big view or a bird’s eye view of what’s going on. If you are an intuitive type, then chances are you go from A to Z in one quick burst. For example, you’re confronted with a situation and instantly have a conclusion without itemizing the different points you went through to get there. Intuitive communicators can be frustrating for functional communicators as they like to itemize the steps, making sure that each letter has been thoroughly explained before arriving at Z.

So what adjustment should you make as an intuitive? First, you should make an effort towards explaining your thought process. Give others the time to follow your idea, making sure that each point has been explained before arriving at the conclusion. Try to develop a bit more patience because not everyone prefers your quick method of communication. Who knows, you might even realize that you like the lively conversation that comes with this step-by-step approach to a subject.

Functional

As mentioned, functional communicators are the types who like to itemize steps from Point A to Point Z. They like the step-by-step fashion, making sure that nothing gets missed. In fact, they’re the ones who like to-do lists to make sure that everything is covered in their priorities. In order to adjust, you will have to recognize the big picture while at the same time, gently encouraging others to look into the various steps.

You know it’s important because the small steps can still fully impact the big picture, which means that even a small mistake can cause problems in its accomplishment. Because you are interested in the small details, the group will look towards you for the implementation. Your role is to keep everyone’s eye on the goal while at the same time correlating it with the steps necessary for accomplishment. You might even find yourself playing devil’s advocate because of your need to stick to the minuscule steps. Be prepared for a bit of resistance, but understand that what you’re doing is important.

An important thing to remember as a functional communicator is to improve your skills in grabbing and maintaining the attention of your audience. The small details leading towards a bigger end can be quite taxing for people and they will quickly lose interest during a representation. Hence, you can make use of body language techniques to encourage interest and guarantee that people are on the same page as you.

Personal Communicator

Finally, we have the personal communicator who prefers to dwell on the emotional aspect of things. You find it important to figure out not just what a person is thinking but also what they feel about a particular situation. Personal communicators are the kinds capable of smoothing out conflicts and ensuring that everyone feels confident, happy, and satisfied in their chosen environment. You’re the glue that holds everyone together, often acting as the bridge towards different miscommunications. You can also pick up vibes in the room, having the natural ability to read the room and identify tension even before they occur.

The downside of this is that personal communicators can be easily affected by the underlying emotional atmosphere. If overwhelmed, you might find yourself acting out instead of being the glue that keeps the group sane. Hence, as a personal communicator, your best adjustment would be to keep a rational and level head in order to keep everyone within acceptable ranges of communication.

One thing I want you to understand is that there is no “best” communication style. All these styles have a specific advantage, depending on the use. It’s therefore important to be flexible with your communication style so that you’ll be able to adjust to the situation. Remember, this is all about preferences so you might actually find yourself able to switch from one communication style to the next. The more you practice these techniques, the better you become in taking on any role that’s needed in that particular situation.

Chapter 12: More Body Language Tips and Myths

As we already mentioned, your ability to read the non-verbal communication of the people around you is one thing. Your ability to convey non-verbal messages on your own is another. Communication takes two things: the initial message and the reply. Simply put, I want you to be good with non-verbal communication as well, not just with the initiatory message but also with the reply. At the very least, I want you to be able to use body language to your advantage.

Here’s a secret though: studies show that how you move or the body posture you assume also contributes to how you feel. It is not just a one-way street.

What does this mean?

For example, if you feel sad or down, you tend to slouch your body. When people see you doing this, they can instantly tell that you feel sad or are depressed. Your posture is a non-verbal sign of what you’re feeling inside.

But the reverse actually holds true! This means that even if you feel bad but posture your body in a way that conveys confidence, you will slowly gain confidence. It’s a mind over matter thing and it can help you through many problems in life.

How do you do this? Here are some body language tips to help you convey the exact message you want to make in any situation:

If You Want to Feel Confident

Ever seen the pose Superman makes? This is the “confidence” pose that could make you feel like you’re more confident than usual. This high-power pose stimulates testosterone levels and lowers the number of cortisol in the body. As you probably know, that cortisol is a stress hormone and the less of this in your body, the better it would be for you. What’s the pose exactly? Hands on your hips, feet apart, and your shoulders stretched wide with the chest puffed out. Try not to overdo it too much so people don’t look at you weirdly. But this should work perfectly and give you the confidence boost you need for the situation.

Of course, there are other confidence poses out there, verified by Harvard no less. It’s the high power pose of leaning back in your chair, hands on your head, and feet up on the desk. You’ve probably seen this being done by businessmen in movies when they want to show how cocky they are. As it turns out, it works perfectly in boosting morale and ego. Of course, you can’t do this while in a meeting, but if you’re tackling a hard problem at the office, assuming this pose for a few seconds should help.

To Make People Participate, Look Like You Are Actually Listening

This might seem like a no-brainer, but a lot of people forget the value of listening when someone speaks. If you want to increase the participation in a meeting, verbal methods aren’t enough. You have to show people that you’re really listening to what they have to say. Look at people when they speak and nod along with them in order to create the sense of being listened to. Don’t doodle or tap on your phone or check the room to see what the others are doing. Instead, focus on the person speaking and establish eye contact. This will help encourage people into verbalizing their thoughts and create a more honest atmosphere for discourse.

Shake Hands to Trigger a Connection

Barring cultural difference, shaking hands is considered one of the best ways to cultivate a connection with an individual. Touch is one of the most primitive nonverbal ways of communication, as we already talked about in a previous chapter. Again, handshakes can communicate so much in just a short span of time. The length of the handshake, the firmness of the hands, and so on are all indicative of what a person thinks, feels, or who they are as individuals. In fact, a study shows that a good handshake can put a lasting impression on an individual, making a person remember you for a longer period. This is why a good handshake is very important when it comes to applying for a job.

Smile to Promote Good Feelings

A genuine smile stimulates not only your sense of well-being, it likewise tells those around that you’re cooperative, approachable, and trustworthy. A genuine smile comes on slowly, lights up the face, crinkles the eyes, and fades slowly away. Most importantly, smiling has a direct influence on how people respond to you. When you smile at somebody, they almost always would smile in return. And, since facial expressions elicit corresponding feelings, the smiles you get back actually change the person’s emotional state positively.

Encourage Collaboration by Removing Barriers

You have probably seen offices with an open layout. It’s supposed to encourage collaboration among people and improve creativity. Studies show that this type of open-layout setup in offices allows people to connect with each other quickly and improve the camaraderie in the office. However, barriers aren’t just limited to walls. The fact is that people always create unintentional barriers in their day-to-day life. For example, you’re probably holding a book in such a way that it blocks the eyeline of a person you’re talking to. You might be holding a coffee cup in a way to discourage conversation or perhaps clutching a coat so tightly that it discourages people to talk to you. Be mindful of your gestures and how they come off to others and vice versa. If you want to promote communication with people, then an open line must start from you.

Improve Your Speech with Your Hands

Believe it or not, gesturing while you speak is actually helpful in explaining your position. Gesture is literally linked to speech in the brain, allowing your thought process to become faster and clearer as your hands move. This is why liars often have “late” hand gestures; this is because what they’re saying isn’t really deeply linked to their mind. The hands don’t naturally follow so they have to make up for it with delayed gestures.

Look at People’s Feet for Added Insight

The feet are also a big deal when it comes to body language. Feet are tapped, played with, or pointed in different directions, depending on a person’s mood. Perhaps one of the biggest indicators is where the feet are pointed. If the foot is directed away from you during a conversation, then chances are that person doesn’t really want to talk. If it is pointed towards you, however, then they’re fully engaged in the conversation. Relative to other body parts, seeing the feet can also help with reading. In fact, studies show that people can read others more accurately if they can see the whole body.

Keep Your Voice Low for an Authoritative Sound

Let your voice relax before making an important call or speech. It appears that a low and steady voice actually communicates authority and power as opposed to a high one. Allow for a slight increase in the middle of a sentence and drop it down again so that it closely resembles words like “um, hum, um hum.” It’s a very subtle way of affecting the senses, relaxing other people and putting you in a position of power without trying too much.

Common Body Language Myths Busted

Also note that there are lots of body language tips out there that you want to watch out for. Many of these are myths or have been proven wrong by science and studies. Do not rely on these techniques and methods anymore as they won’t do much for you.

Staring at someone can intimidate them.

It’s actually true that alpha males tend to blink less, but that doesn’t mean that staring at someone turns you into an alpha male. This technique borders on weird and alarming rather than a sign of dominance in people. In many cases, this can only start a fight with other people.

Speaking first gives you the upper hand.

This is not the case at all as nowadays, people look more into the context of things rather than who gets to speak first. The same goes for speaking louder or faster in a conversation. A flood of information will not defeat accuracy and clarity in debates or friendly arguments.

Touch the person first to establish dominance.

Again, this is a lot like speaking first so you will have the upper hand. It doesn’t really have a big impact in the conversation and will not predict who the alpha is in the situation. In fact, some advice says that you should put your hand on top of the other during a conversation, but this only adds unnecessary contact and actually borders on familiarity. In a business setting, it’s not really an ideal technique.

I can’t stress this enough—body language is an inexact science. Mannerisms and behaviors vary so your baseline will change depending on your mood and the other person’s mood. When all else fails however, there is always one thing you can do in order to truly connect with a person: ask them honestly about what they think or feel. If you are lucky enough to be in the position to ask this question, then do so! The honest words of an individual will always trump what seems to be their silent messages through their bodies.

Conclusion

So here we are, at the end of this book! I’m happy you have made it this far and I hope you found all the information stated here useful for day-to-day life.

Again, I want you to remember that this book was made to help you forge a connection with people. Please don’t use your newfound powers for evil!

In this book, we’ve covered the following important topics:

●      Explanations on body language and how it can help you decipher what people really think or feel in particular situations. More importantly, we covered how you can use this information to communicate better with people.

●      I’ve given you information on the various body language people use and what they mean.

●      I also talked about the different personality types and how their unique makeup makes them act uniquely in different circumstances.

●      I also tackled different communication styles and how to understand the motivations of people in order to figure out what they really want to do.

●      I’ve also introduced the concept of thin-slicing and how you can learn more about yourself in order to strengthen your societal bonds.

By now, I hope you’re satisfied that I covered all the promises I made in the beginning of this book. I understand if things are a little bit confusing even at this stage—it’s supposed to be. The fact is that understanding people is a lifetime process so you will find the need to constantly evaluate your baselines as you move forward.

ere’s one thing I want you to remember when using this book: you only have control over your own values, actions, and reactions. It doesn’t matter how badly you want to connect or forge ties with someone—you cannot make people like you if their values are intrinsically different from yourself. Keep in mind that connection is based on similarities and there’s no point connecting with someone when nothing is similar between the two of you. Remember: you matter first. Your values are personal to you and you should NOT allow other people to predict your values.

So what do you do now? Here’s what I want you to do:

1. I want you to take a good look at yourself and assess your own values, personality, communication style, goals, and everything else that pertains to you. I want you to deeply get to know yourself first before attempting to know others.

2. Your next step would be to observe yourself. What are your mannerisms, your behavior, your tendencies when confronted with specific situations? I want you to know exactly what you’re doing wrong and what you’re doing right.

3. Next is cultivating a system of thinking, analyzing, and discovering your own values and motivations before pursuing a behavior. Even before you do something, I want you to pause and think about why you’re doing it. What’s your ultimate goal and what’s the motivation behind it? Feel free to use Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for this to help you further narrow down your own motivations.

4. Once you’ve figured out your goals and motivations, I want you to take a good look at the actions you propose to take. Are those actions in line with your goals and motivations? Will they achieve the results you want? What other roads are there for you to take in order to get the same results, but with much less hindrance on your part?

5. I encourage you to practice these four steps consistently in order to get to know yourself better and deeper through personal analysis. Only after you’re comfortable understanding yourself can you feel comfortable in understanding others. One thing I want you to remember though: you don’t have to understand yourself 100%! Face it, people are a mystery and sometimes, we can be a mystery to ourselves too. All I encourage you to do is to try as often and as hard as you can to trace your motivations before pursuing any sort of significant action.

So let’s say you’re comfortable understanding your own motivations at this point…what about other people? Here’s what I want you to do:

a)     First, I discourage you against reading too much into people you don’t know or barely know. While thin-slicing is highly effective, you should not use this as a way to figure out everything around you. People-watching can be fun and a good way to hone your skills, but don’t take things too seriously.

b)     Start by focusing only on a small group of people. Make decisions based on conscious “reading” efforts, but keep it simple or in situations where getting it wrong wouldn’t have negative consequences in your life. Remember, you’re testing the waters here and just honing your skills.

c)      I want you to always keep in mind that this book was written to help you CONNECT with people through developed verbal and non-verbal skills. Hence, try not to use your new superpowers for evil and keep connections in mind when trying to decipher people.

d)     Have a pattern when observing people. This means having a fairly good idea of where to start when attempting to understand them. For example, you look at the feet first, then the hands, then face, or any other sequence you may choose. Having this pre-set programming on where to look gives you a story-type reading experience that can help with any conclusions you might have about the situation. The beauty here is that as you practice this technique, it becomes second nature to the point where you don’t even have to consciously guide yourself through the process. Your mind instantly goes to these body parts in order to interpret what they mean.

e)     Learn the art of listening and try not to be too self-absorbed. Even as an extrovert, you should be able to recognize the enjoyment of being able to sit back in one corner of the room and just take in the different movements and reactions of people as they interact with each other.

f)       If you find things too difficult, I suggest you watch a movie multiple times and pay attention not just to the words but also to the actions and movements of the actors. Actors are trained in the proper action and reaction in different situations. Their facial expressions and even the slightest movement of the hands can convey so much and can help hone your skills in prediction. It’s by far the safest way of approaching body language understanding while enjoying yourself in the process. Make sure to watch movies with very good actors known for their excellent skills in the art. Meryl Streep movies are perhaps one of the best to do this, focusing primarily on the movement of this amazing actress.

g)     The beauty of watching movies is that there’s a way for you to confirm what you suspect about a certain situation. You can look at a person’s expression in one scene and guess on what they think or feel. In a later scene, these emotions are often expressed out loud or given further focus, therefore allowing you to really figure out if what you initially thought was correct.

h)     When reading people in the real world, observe and keep your conclusions to yourself. Do not go around telling people that you’ve “read” how a particular coworker acts and make expressive predictions because of it. I want you to keep any conclusions or ideas you have close to your heart and only use them when needed.

i)        Practice, practice, practice! The beauty of reading body language is that you never run out of people to observe or body language to read. There’s always an endless supply of them, so feel free to practice as often as you want. Note though that acting on those observations isn’t always advisable. Think about it multiple times before actually making a decision.

Yes—you are capable of reading people and making connections simply by honing your verbal and non-verbal skills! But it takes time, patience, and drive. It might seem like such a big project at first, but don’t let this stop you! Unless you live under a rock, forging connections and communicating with others is an integral part of your life. You will find that by mastering this talent, you too can achieve a kind of success that only few can boast about.

Thank you!

Before you go, I just wanted to say thank you for purchasing my book.

You could have picked from dozens of other books on the same topic but you took a chance and chose this one.

So, a HUGE thanks to you for getting this book and for reading all the way to the end.

Now I wanted to ask you for a small favor. Could you please consider posting a review on the platform? Reviews are one of the easiest ways to support the work of independent authors.

This feedback will help me continue to write the type of books that will help you get the results you want. So if you enjoyed it, please let me know! (-:

Click here to leave a review!

https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/

Lastly, don’t forget to grab a copy of your Free Bonus book “Bulletproof Confidence Checklist." If you want to learn how to overcome shyness and social anxiety and become more confident, then this book is for you.

Just go to: https://theartofmastery.com/confidence/

Resource Page

- The Difference Between Introverts And Extroverts, In 1 Simple Chart. (2019, May 28). Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/difference-between-introverts-extroverts-chart_n_57f794c2e4b0b6a430316b3a

- What makes an extravert?. (2013, July 19). Retrieved from https://mindhacks.com/2013/07/22/what-makes-an-extravert/

- Kinesics. (2004, November 6). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinesics

- Reading facial expressions of emotion. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2011/05/facial-expressions

- A psychometric analysis of the reading the mind in the eyes test: toward a brief form for research and applied settings. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4593947/

- How to Tell An Introvert From An Extrovert. (2014, October 25). Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/articles/45805-how-to-tell-an-introvert-from-an-extrovert-

- Body Language: Picking Up and Understanding Nonverbal Signals. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Body_Language.htm

- How to Communicate Effectively with any Myers-Briggs® Personality Type. (2019, December 26). Retrieved from https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2017/05/22/communicate-effectively-myers-briggs-personality-type/

- How to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You, According to Body Language Experts. (2018, November 30). Retrieved from https://time.com/5443204/signs-lying-body-language-experts/

- The Eyes Don’t Have It: Lie Detection and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. (2012, July 11). Retrieved from https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0040259

- Maslow's hierarchy of needs. (2002, December 30). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

- Vozza, S. (2017, March 17). 6 Ways To Become A Better Listener. Retrieved from https://www.fastcompany.com/3068959/6-ways-to-become-a-better-listener

- 403 Forbidden. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/let-their-words-do-the-talking/201106/reading-people-the-words-they-speak

Table of Contents

Your Free Gift

Introduction

Chapter 1: Explanation, Quotes, Facts

What Is Personality?

Introvert and Extrovert

Myers Briggs Type Indicator

Enneagram Personality Typing

Keirsey Temperament Sorter

The Spectrum of All Personality Types

Chapter 2: Problems and Benefits

The Impact of Culture

How Do I Know Their Personality Type?

Relying Too Much on Body Language

The Power of Groups

The Problem of Face-ism

Physical Attractiveness

Your Mood Affects Your Reading

Still, There Are Benefits

Chapter 3: Introverts – Identify, Communicate, and Personality Type Motivations

Signs of an Introvert

Introvert Types According to the MBTI

Chapter 4: Extroverts – Identify, Communicate, and Personality Type Motivations

Signs of an Extrovert

Extrovert Types According to the MBTI

ENTP – Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving

ESFJ – Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging

Chapter 5: Communication Styles

Passive

Aggressive

Passive-Aggressive

Assertive

Chapter 6: Reading Lies in People

Understanding a Baseline

Hand Movements

Itching and Fidgeting

Facial Expressions

Change in Complexion

Sweat in the T Zone

Tone of Voice

The Mouth

The Words Themselves

Chapter 7: Understanding People’s Motivations

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Experience Matters when it comes to Motives

Guidelines for Understanding People

People are more emotional than they let on.

Chapter 8: Reading the Face and Body – Cues and What They Mean

The Science of Body Language

Facial Expressions

Hands, Arms, and Gestures

Body Posture and Movement

Breathing

Proxemics

Oculesics

Haptics

Chapter 9: Verbal Cues – Reading Between the Lines

Being a Better Listener

Chapter 10: The Art of Thin Slicing

What Is Thin Slicing?

How Thin-Slicing Translates to Day-to-Day Life

What’s in Thin-Slicing?

So How Do I Do This Thin-Slicing?

Chapter 11: What About Me?

Positive Body Language

Body Language During Public Speaking

Don’t Forget the Golden Rule!

Body Language During Interviews

What is my personality type?

What is my communication style?

Chapter 12: More Body Language Tips and Myths

If You Want to Feel Confident

To Make People Participate, Look Like You Are Actually Listening

Shake Hands to Trigger a Connection

Smile to Promote Good Feelings

Encourage Collaboration by Removing Barriers

Improve Your Speech with Your Hands

Look at People’s Feet for Added Insight

Keep Your Voice Low for an Authoritative Sound

Common Body Language Myths Busted

Conclusion

Thank you!

Resource Page