HOW TO TALK TO ANYONE

The Only Practical Guide to Establish Effective Communication and Acquire Valuable Social Skills that will Improve Self-Confidence to Become the King of Your Emotions

Dale King

© Copyright 2020 by Dale King - All rights reserved.

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Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: How the Human Mind Works

Chapter 2: Communication Levels

Chapter 3: The Art of Persuasion

Chapter 4: Controlling A Conversation

Chapter 5: The Importance of Empathy

Chapter 6: Verbal Dexterity

Chapter 7: Tell Stories Without Losing Listeners

Chapter 8: Relationship Communication

Chapter 9: Eloquence

Chapter 10: Choice of Words

Chapter 11: Anxiety: The Worry about Other People’s Thoughts about Us

Chapter 12: The Magical Power of Words

Chapter 13: Power of Words in Strengthening, Encouraging and Boosting Confidence

Chapter 14: Words Shape the Beliefs, Values, and Destiny of a Person

Chapter 15: Conversation: Developing Empathy by Improving Conversational Skills

Chapter 16: Be Interesting: Develop the Skills Of Great Successful People

Chapter 17: The Power of Metaphor

Chapter 18: Learn To Manage Your Inner Dialogue

Chapter 19: Love Relationship

Chapter 20: Develop Humor and Make New Friends

Chapter 21: Knowing How to Tell Stories

Chapter 22: Mindset

Conclusion

Introduction

First off, I would like to thank you for purchasing “How to Talk to Anyone”. You have made the best first step that you could to reach amazing communication skills.

It seems that everybody finds communicating hard to do, especially effective communication. I’m not going to lie; it can be depending on the situation that you find yourself in. This book is here to help get rid of all of those communication problems.

First off, we are all social creatures, so it’s important to understand how communication works on a mental level. You wouldn’t think that there were a bunch of little things at play while you are talking to somebody, but there is. That’s the first thing we are going to go over, which I’m certain you will find interesting.

Then we will go over the five levels of communication. Just to give you a quick preview, the five levels are verbal, physical, auditory, emotional, and energetic. We’ll look at how that plays out in effective communication.

Then we will dive into the art of persuasion. There are many different things that play into being a persuasive communicator, such as body language, and we will go over these things to help you become more persuasive.

Next, we will look at how to manage a conversation. This doesn’t mean that you will constantly talk and be in control of the conversation at all times. This simply means that you know the right time to talk and the right time to listen. Listening tends to be the hardest part of communication.

Then we will look at where empathy comes into play. Empathy is a very important skill that a lot of people lack when it comes to being an effective communicator. Empathy plays a big part in understanding your audience, but the great news is, you can learn it.

Then we will look at verbal dexterity. Being able to speak eloquently is just another muscle that you have to work, so you can change even if you stumble when you talk.

Next, we’ll go through the best way to share your ideas and stories so that you don’t end up losing your audience interest. This may be the biggest reason why people just don’t even try when communicating. They are afraid that they are going to come off as boring, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Next, we will look at the best tips for effective communication in relationships. Communication is often the number one problem between couples, but with a little foresight, you can prevent those problems.

Lastly, we will look at eloquence. This is what we are aiming for after all, isn’t it? We want to be an eloquent speaker, and that’s exactly what you are going to learn.

Now, enough with the introductions, let’s get into what you are really here for.

Chapter 1: How the Human Mind Works

Picture this. There is a device that could record every memory, idea, and dream in your brain and then send the entire contents to another person. This sounds game-changing, right? The truth is, we already have this type of technology; it is known as effective storytelling. The life of the human revolves around the ability to share experiences and information.

Being able to communicate well is all a matter of getting “in sync” with other people. You may have even noticed this. Maybe you have seen where people start matching steps as they walk, or how they imitate the gestures of others as they talk, or use grammar or phrases that the other person uses. But this syncing up doesn’t just happen in people’s mannerism or speech. It also happens in parts of the brain. This is what is known as “neural coupling,” and scientists believe it is an extremely important part of communication.

In one study on the functions of the brain, while communicating, scientists had a person tell a 15-minute story while also having the brain scanned with an MRI to record all of the activity in the different regions. They took this recorded and played it for 11 volunteers while they were having an MRI. As they listened to the recorded, their brain activity matched up with the storytellers.

This is a great way of looking at the brain during communication, especially considering there are quite a few studies that look at “the brain.” This doesn’t give us a good idea of what the brain does during communication because it takes more than one person to have a conversation. It also does a good job of showing that listening and talking aren’t two separate activities. The “neural coupling” takes place in the “production” and “comprehension” parts of the listener’s brain.

What’s even more interesting is that the firing in the brain regions happened first in the listener. That means the listener’s brain is acting in anticipation of what the speaker is going to say. They were priming their self, so to speak, as what they were expecting to hear. The more accurate these “predictive anticipatory responses” were in the listener, the better they were able to understand the story. This means that if what the speaker says goes completely against what the person was expecting, the listener is going to be less likely to understand what is happening or they could just stop listening altogether.

In the 1930s, Sir Frederic Charles Bartlett performed some interesting experiments. Through these experiments, we have learned that listeners will “fill in” details about the things they are hearing. We also know that a person’s memory of the speaker doesn’t distinguish between the things they heard and what their brain told them.

In Bartlett’s studies, he had students read a folktale and then asked them to retell the story. They would end up adding some details. For example, one part of the story said, “That Indian has been hit,” and some of the students would say that an Indian had been hit by an arrow, or that the Indian had been killed. They would also change some of the other unfamiliar facts. You can even test this on yourself. Pick a short story that you don’t know and read it. Then, in a couple of days, record yourself retelling the story out loud. See how the two compare.

The people involved in the story felt certain that their memories of the story were correct. They weren’t able to tell the difference in their retelling. Why? Bartlett came to the conclusion that the mind understands things through “schemas.” These are mental maps that relate objects and actions to one another. Once they are learned, the scheme works kind of like a mad lib book or a fill in the blank test. Once a person knows that the story is about Indians and canoes, their mind is going to “fill in” moccasins and arrows even if they weren’t an original part of the story. The same can be true if you were to throw in something about samurai swords; they are going to leave out that part because it doesn’t belong.

In the MRI study, performed at Princeton University, they discovered two neural mechanisms. The first is during communication, sound waves coming from the speaker, couples the listener’s brain response with the brain response of the speaker. Second, the brain has created a common neural protocol that gives us the ability to use brain coupling to share information with others.

They did a second study where they took people into an fMRI scanner and scanned their brains as they were listening to or telling a real story. They looked at the similarity of the neural responses for the listeners in their auditory cortices, which is the area of the brain that process sounds. They looked at the brain scans before the stories started to get a baseline reading. At that point, the brains were all very different and not synced up.

However, once the stories began, they noticed something amazing. All of the listeners’ neural responses started to match up. They started to move in the same frequency to each other.

This is what scientists refer to as “neural entrainment,” which refers to the process of the brain response to lock and align with the sounds of speech. But what drives this brain activity; the ideas that the speaker is conveying, or the sounds they are producing?

They continued on with their experiment. They took recorded stories and played them backward for the listeners. This kept much of the same auditory sounds, but it got rid of the meaning. They found that this created entrainment or the neural responses of every listener but didn’t go any further into the other areas of the brain. Based on this, they figured that the auditory cortex would be entrained by sounds, regardless if there was an intelligible meaning or not.

Then they tried scrambling the words. This made the words comprehensible, but it sounded like a bunch of unconnected words. These words created alignment in the early language parts of the brains, but nowhere else.

They then formed the words back into sentences. While each sentence made individual sense, they don’t go together to create a story. When this version was played for the listener, they start the entrainment move to every language area that processes grammatically coherent sentences. But once they finally played the full engaging story for them, they entrainment spread through more of the brain and created aligned responses between all of the listeners, which included the parietal and frontal cortices.

This led them to believe that the high-order cortical areas would become entrained to the ideas that a person shared as they placed sentences into an understandable narrative. If this conclusion should prove to be true, then if they shared a story to two listeners that were the same but used different sets of words, their brain’s response would remain similar. To test this, they took the story they had been using and translated it into Russian.

They played English version for their English listeners, and then played the Russian version to Russian listeners and compared the neural responses. They didn’t get similar responses, which they expected because the different languages sounded different. However, they did find that the responses within the higher-order areas were similar among all of them. This was because they all had the same understanding of the story.

Now that they had this information about what happens in a listener’s brain, they wanted to look at what happened in the speaker’s brain. The storyteller then underwent an MRI scan and they compared what happened within his brain to the listener’s brain. Producing and comprehending speech are two different things. But amazingly, as mentioned earlier, the brain responses were very similar in the two groups.

The more understood the storyteller was, the more connected their brain waves were. This moved them onto another question. How can this coupling help us transmit a memory from one brain to another? They tested this by having people watch the pilot episode of Sherlock as they scanned their brains. Then, while still being scanned, they told the episode in the form of a story to another person.

In this episode, there is a scene where Sherlock takes a cab that is driven by the murderer. The subjects who were watching the scene showed specific neural patterns in the high-order brain areas. What was interesting is when they recalled this scene and shared it in story form to a person; the same patterns were seen in the listener’s brain. This means that these brain patterns happen even when a person shares just a memory, not a real experience. This shows the important role language plays in sharing memories to other people.

The act of communication, though, is very far from perfect, and in many cases, we tend to fail to communicate in an effective manner, or are simply misunderstood. People can interpret the same stories in different ways. They decided to study this problem as well. They used the story “Pretty Mouth and Green My Eyes,” by J.D. Salinger. In the story, the husband loses track of his wife during a party. He has to call a friend and asks, “Did you see my wife?” They took half of their listeners and told them that the wife was having an affair and told the other half that she was loyal.

What was interesting was that this simple sentence that they told the listeners beforehand was enough to cause their brain responses to be different. Both groups had similar brain responses to everybody in the group, but were different from the other group.

This shows that there is a lot of implications in communication, considering a single sentence was enough to affect brain responses. Good communication greatly depends on the listener and speaker having common ground. The problem with communication today is that most of us live a life where we are exposed to the same perspective each day. This doesn’t give us much room for common ground amongst people who are different. If we lose our common ground completely, what would be able to do to ever communicate effectively?

One way to do this is to start having real conversations with each other were actually listen to each other’s viewpoints. This gives us a chance to figure out a mutual understanding.

Mental Health and Communication

We are all humans, and as such, we all have our own problems. As much as we hate to think about it, our mental health plays into how we communicate. Stress levels, especially within families and job relationships, can create communication problems. This, and other mental health disorders can cause a person to misread or withdraw in social situations.

Whether you are the one struggling or a person you are talking to is, the most common signs are:

- Misinterpreting or missing simply social cues, like facial expressions, which causes misunderstandings.

- Make unreasonable demands, or they show a lack of concern because they are preoccupied with their own anxieties or fears.

- Perceive people inaccurately, which can cause paranoia or anxiety.

- Behave unpredictably, feel irritable, or have angry outbursts because of instability.

- Withdraw or remain silent when feeling depressed.

The only way around these problems, if you are the one suffering from them, is to seek help. Now, sometimes a little time to calm down or relax can help, especially if it has been a long and stressful day. But if you feel this way constantly, then seeking assistance from a professional is the best way to proceed.

Now, if you have to converse with somebody who you know is struggling with mental health issues, or is clearly stressed, there are a few things you can do. First, be brief and get to the point. The last thing a stressed person wants to hear is a longwinded story. If you are sharing personal feelings about something, use “I” statements so that you don’t come off as confrontational.

Most importantly, you can only speak for yourself. You don’t know how a person truly feels based solely on how they act. It is likely only going to make them more upset or stressed if they feel like you are speaking for them.

Alright, with all of this in mind, let’s move into the communication levels.

Chapter 2: Communication Levels

Communicating with others happen on several different levels; each one has its own complexities and nuances. The levels that communication happens on are verbal, physical, emotional, auditory, and energetic.

These five levels of communication have been known for a while, but most people aren’t even aware of them. Understanding them is can be very helpful when a person is trying to improve their communication skills.

Level One: Verbal Communication

While this may be the most obvious level of human communication, people will likely spend their entire life trying to master it. This is the level where are words are kept and are based upon the understanding of meaning between the listener and speaker. There are several different definitions for the majority of words, and very few people have the same meanings for every word.

There are different words that create different memories, meanings, and images for different people. The reasoning and logic behind a statement or argument can influence how effectively the message is received.

There are several different types of communication skills. This can be obvious things like listening and speaking clearly, to subtle things like clarifying and reflecting.

Listening and effective speaking are the basic forms of verbal communication. Effective speaking requires three things: the words, how they are said, and how they are reinforced. All of these put together affect how the message is shared and how the listeners receive and understand the message.

It is definitely worth your time to make sure that you choose your words carefully. Given the situation, you may have to choose certain words. For example, the things that you say to your coworker are going to be different than how you present an idea to executives.

Through your verbal communication, you can also add reinforcement. Reinforcement means that you use encouraging words as well as other nonverbal gestures like head nods, a smile, or eye contact. This helps to create rapport and lets the other person know that you want them to continue talking.

In order to communicate effectively on this level, you have to make sure that you use the correct words for the conversation and context, which also includes religious, ethnic, and moral differences. You must make sure you are concise and clear. Whenever you find it possible, create your thoughts before speaking so that you don’t ramble. This can be an art in itself.

Level Two: Physical Communication

With the inception of NLP, neuro-linguistic programming added more importance on the visual cues of our communication. Visual cues, such as expressions, posture, breathing, stance, movement, gestures, and eye contact, play a big part in how we communicate and feel.

When a person uses techniques like mirroring and matching others gestures and posture, with integrity, it can increase the person’s receptivity of the message. Physical communication works by complimenting verbal communication and can provide you with amazing results when you combine the two effectively. There are certain jobs and professions where your physical communication ability is important.

For example, in most sporting events, being able to understand and use gestures and signs is necessary. Within security agencies, it is an important skill to understand considering the nature of the job. The military and police use these skills in order to keep from being detected by enemies. Investigators and detectives will use these skills in order to figure out if somebody is lying.

In order to be a good communication on a physical level, it helps to physically match yourself up with others. You need to connect them in movement and form. It can also help you watch your hand movements, expressions, and posture.

Level Three: Auditory Communication

The sound of the voice, as well as the speed, volume, range, and tone, plays a part in how the message is received and interpreted by the listener. For example, if you are a fast talker, you may find that helpful to slow down your speech when speaking to somebody who is introverted and thoughtful; otherwise, you run the risk of not being understood.

The way that you inflect, place emphasis, and enunciate certain words will affect the way in which a person interprets what you are saying. Auditory communication is very common in other animals, such as the rattlesnake. When you hear the rattle of their tail, you know that you should probably move away. Birds are another species that puts a lot of importance on auditory communication.

In order to communicate effectively on this level, make sure that you are aware of the different auditory cues. Try to talk to others in a way that is similar to how they talk.

Level Four: Emotional Communication

There are very few people who appreciate how effective our emotional state is when we communicated and how messages are interpreted by the listener. Aristotle’s pathos shows us an appeal to the audience’s emotions.

Do you tend to be more receptive to a person who is life-affirming and positive or a person who is more critical? Do you like listening to boring people or enthusiastic people?

The emotions of the speaker put the listener in a certain state of mind and influences how they interpret what has been said. If you make sure that you are emotionally aware, then you will be able to communicate more efficiently because you will be able to notice the emotions of your listeners. This gives you a chance to change the conversation if need be to help make them more receptive.

In order to communicate well on this level, it is important that you become more aware of your emotional state, learn to pause, and get rid of negative emotions before you try to connect with another person. Words that are delivered with fear, pride, or anger rarely end up being received well.

Level Five: Energetic Communication

Sometimes referred to as psychic communication, this type of communication includes a large range of unseen factors, which includes consciousness, harmonics or frequency of the message, and other types of more subtle energy.

There are some people who appear to have some unique presence that can naturally provide a person with a clear message so that they understand it easily and are receptive to it.

Every living creature, on some level, is communicating through energy and vibrations, and we, for the most part, don’t even notice it. Think about this: when people are placed in amongst horses, the horses will respond to a person’s energy. If they feel that the person is afraid of horses, they are likely going to stay away from them.

These energies that we can read from others are influenced by emotions, much like the last level. Whether you know it or not, there have probably been things you have backed out of or declined to do something based on the “vibe” you got from somebody. That’s why you want to make sure you aren’t sending out “no” vibes when you want to communicate with a person.

In order to communicate well on this level, it is important that you hold high intentions for your listener’s wellbeing. This is going to require a very good level of mindfulness that is typically cultivated through the practice of compassion. When you make sure that you are centered in a state of mastery, it is more likely that you will be able to access this dimension that holds a lot of insight into others, which will help you to communicate more easily.

All five levels have to be put together to be an effective communicator. The verbal level is the things we say. The physical, energetic, auditory, and emotional levels are how we convey our message.

They are all interdependent because each level affects the next. For example, how we feel emotionally is going to affect our body language and the overall field influences our emotions. Simply noticing these things can be helpful.

When we are able to spot the complexities within human communication, we can become more patient in how we talk with others and, in turn, become more compassionate towards ourselves and others.

Chapter 3: The Art of Persuasion

Persuasion is having the ability to convince a person to change their thoughts about something or do something that you suggest. Persuasion has been said to be an art form, but what is the art of persuasion? Knowing exactly what it is won’t only help you persuade people, but it can also help you become more aware of the techniques being used on you to change your actions or thoughts.

To fully understand why persuasion is art, it helps to understand what art is on a broad scale. If you look at it philosophically, art is any activity that:

- Is the product of trying to create art

- Belongs in an established art form

- Creates a performance or object that needs a lot of skill

- Is original

- Shows a person viewpoint

- Conveys something that is complex

- Creates an intellectual challenged

- Expresses strong emotion

Not all of these fit into persuasion. For example, people are able to be persuasive without showing the slightest hint of emotion, although this is a very rare anomaly. Also, persuasion isn’t necessarily an established form of art in a sense such as music and painting. You can also persuade a person without trying to do anything artistic.

However, the other qualities are strongly present in persuasion. It creates an intellectual challenge. It is complex. It can share a complex message. It does show a person’s viewpoint. It is also original.

Purpose of Persuasion

Why should we learn how to persuade? Doesn’t that just mean you are manipulating people? The truth of the matter is that everybody will be placed in a position at some point where they have to persuade somebody of something. If you never face another need for persuasion but one, then most are going to need to be able to persuade an employer to hire them.

Salespeople use persuasion to get people to buy their things. Politicians persuade to get votes. Con artists persuade to get people to fall for their scam. Persuasion plays a large role in almost every human action. A kid could persuade their teacher to let them make up a test. Somebody could persuade a significant other to marry them. You could also persuade a person to do something good. In fact, if I asked you to find something that doesn’t require some persuasion, you would find it pretty hard.

Practice Persuasion

Anybody is able to practice persuasion. But not everybody will find it as easier as some. There are some who are naturals at convincing others to do things. If it isn’t a natural skill, it can be improved.

1. First off, you need to get a feel for how hard it is going to be to win somebody over. Researchers have discovered many factors that can go into influence how easy a person can be convinced of something.

1. Groups – If a person is part of a group, then they will be harder to convince them of something that goes against the majority of the group. Being loyal to a group helps to strengthen a person’s resolve to stick with their beliefs.

2. Self-esteem – If a person has low self-esteem, then they will be easier to convince. This may be because they value other people’s opinions more than their own.

3. Aggression – If a person doesn’t like to show aggression, then they are easier to convince. They may feel uncomfortable, but because they aren’t likely to show any type of aggression, they aren’t going to challenge what you have to say.

4. Depressive Tendencies – Research has found that a person who is often depressed tends to be easily convinced to think like somebody else.

5. Social Inadequacy – People don’t think they are socially adequate is often more easily persuaded. They are likely just as socially capable as everybody else; the fact of the matter is, their view causes them to view their self and the burden during a conversation. This means they are easier to be persuaded.

2. Second, you have to introduce yourself correctly. Walking up to a stranger and trying to convince them of something is hard to do. That’s why a lot of people hate jobs that require cold-calling. In a situation like this, you don’t know what they find as important, their preferences, or if they belong to a group that doesn’t agree with you. They also don’t have a clue who you are. If you can get a person who knows them to introduce you, you will have a better chance of persuading them. If an introduction can’t happen, then it would be best to do a little prep work. This is why you also need to be a good listener.

3. The next step is to listen first. By doing so, you will gather the information that you need to come up with a personalized pitch that is going to help the other person see your viewpoint. Besides what you gain from listening, you will also create a good impression that you are a respectful person. They are going to end up having a more favorable view of you.

4. Next, you need to be agreeable even if you don’t agree. This shows them that you respect them. Everybody wants to feel like they are intelligent, so if you refute the things they say, they are going to end up ignoring you. Of course, there are times where you can’t agree. At some point, you are going to have to show them your side. What can be done is to have an attitude that says agreement and acknowledges the reasons why they see things as they do.

5. Lastly, you must be subtle. If you are able to say what you want a person to believe, and they automatically believe you, then that doesn’t require a whole lot of persuasion. More often than not, you are going to have to show them things in subtle ways why the way you think is best. There are a lot of techniques that can be used. The best techniques have one thing in common, and that is that they aren’t obvious or blatant. Instead, they work by creating comparisons, meeting people on common ground, and storytelling.

How to Be Persuasive

Besides the steps mentioned in the last section, there are some more sure-fire ways to make you more persuasive.

1. Take a strong stand.

You can have all of the reasoning and data in the world, but that doesn’t always win. Interestingly enough, there has been research that found people prefer cockiness to expertise. Humans assume that confidence means skill.

Even some of the world’s most skeptical people will be partly persuaded by a speaker who shows confidence. In fact, people would rather receive advice from somebody who is positive. We want a confident person so badly that we are willing to forgive their bad track record.

So, make sure that you are bold. Don’t use words like “I believe” or “I think.” Quit adding in qualifiers. If you believe something is going to work, them tell them that. Stand behind every opinion that you have, even if they are simply opinions. Allow your enthusiasm to shine through. People are going to naturally be pulled to your side.

2. Start slow and gain small “wins.”

Research has found that gaining agreement is enduring, even if it only happens over a short period of time. Instead of getting straight to the end of your argument, begin by using statements or premises that you already know the audience is likely to agree with. This will help by building a foundation for more agreement. Keep in mind, a body in motion remains in motion, and that even applies to a head nod.

3. Connect your rate of speech to your audience.

There are many reasons for that fast-talking salesperson. There are some situations where talking fast is good. Then there are times when it won’t. One study found that if you know that your audience is more likely to disagree, you should speak fast. If they are more likely to agree, then you should speak slower.

The reason for this is that when your audience is already inclined to disagree with you, speaking faster will mean that they have less time to come up with their own counter-arguments, which gives you an increased chance of persuading them.

If they are already inclined to agree with you, then speaking slowly will give them a chance to evaluate your arguments and factor in some of their own thoughts. With this combo of their own bias and your reasoning, then they are going to be more likely to be persuaded.

If your audience is apathetic or neutral, then you should speak quickly so that you are less likely to lose their attention.

4. Don’t be afraid of being slightly unprofessional.

Let’s talk about swearing. Cussing just to cussing is bad. But if your team really needs to get their shit together, throwing in the occasional, and heartfelt, cuss word can help you to create a sense of urgency because it shows them that you care.

Basically, you want to be yourself. Authenticity tends to be way more persuasive. If you feel so strongly about something that you would naturally use strong language, then do so.

5. Think about how your listener would prefer to process new information.

You have to know your audience to some extent. Some people can be pushed to give an immediate response and there are others who need a couple of days to think about things.

You never want to push somebody who doesn’t like being pushed. The same goes for people who like to make quick decisions; don’t ask them to think about it.

6. Share the positive and negative.

Daniel O’Keefe, a professor at the University of Illinois, said that if you share an opposing viewpoint, your argument becomes more persuasive than sticking to the argument. Why is this? There aren’t too many perfect ideas out there. And everybody knows that. They know that there are plenty of other perspectives and possible outcomes.

Combat this head on. Talk about the other things that they likely already have going through their minds. Discuss some of the downsides and show them how you can overcome these issues. The listener is going to be more likely to be persuaded when they already know that you understand the downsides.

7. Bring out the positive conclusions.

Alright, I’m going to give you a few statements and you are going to say which is more persuasive.

- “You will end up being more accurate,” or

- “You won’t make as many mistakes.”

How about these two?

- “You are going to have loads more energy,” or

- “You won’t feel as tired.”

While it may be tempting to use scare tactics, using positive outcome statements will make your argument more persuasive. If you want to create some sort of change, then you need to focus on the positives of the change. Bring your audience into a better place instead of telling them the things they should avoid.

8. Pick the right format.

Let’s say that you are a man trying to convince another man something, and you don’t know him. What should be your first step? If you get any say so, don’t talk to them in person. Send them an email.

A general rule is men often feel competitive in person and will change a simple conversation into a contest that they think they need to win.

For women, the opposite is true. Women do better with in-person conversations.

Now, if you are a man and you already know the man really well, then you can skip the email and talk to them in person. The closer your relationship is with them, the more effective an in-person conversation will be.

9. Above everything else, make sure that you are correct.

A persuasive person understands the best way to frame and deliver their argument, but the most important thing is that they know their message is what is most important. So, make sure that you are clear, concise, and get to the point. You will win the day because your information will be correct.

Patience

Being persuasive is typically going to require some patience on your part. In order to change a person’s mind, it is going to take some time to create your argument and to explain it rationally, consistently, and subtly. If your message is simple, it might not take you that long to share it. But if it is something more complex, you are going to have to be patient with them and make sure they stick with you throughout the conversation.

When you start to bring your argument to a close, you could present the conclusion as the most obvious one. However, people tend to be more easily persuaded if they think that they are coming to their own conclusion. Their hope is that it is their idea to change their viewpoint, action, or belief. The great thing is, if you have made sure to present your argument in such a way that it makes sense to them, they are going to believe that it was their idea. This means that they will be more likely to continue to act upon that opinion.

Ethical Persuasion

There are some ethical dilemmas that you need to think about if you plan on using persuasion. There are quite a few people out there who use persuasion maliciously to take advantage of or harm other people. Before you start your persuasion, think about how it is going to impact them if you are successful.

In the legal world, they have the term, undue influence. This means that you are persuading a person to act again their own free will. This tends to be an issue when a person is incapacitated in one way or another and can’t make their own decisions.

This can happen when a caregiver is trying to convince an older adult to change up their will and leave everything to them. If you want to be a persuasive person, that fine, but it is best to avoid causing undue influence.

You can also end up falsifying evidence through persuasion if you are not careful. This is another legal problem. You want to be a moral persuader, so make sure that anything you share or show others is factual.

In the end, persuasion is neither good nor bad in itself. It is whatever intention you put behind your persuasion that makes it good or bad. It’s up to you to make sure you use it honestly and morally. Not being able to be persuasive can be a handicap in life. You can find it hard to buy a home, get a raise, get a job, or take the next step in your relationship. Fortunately, it is fairly simple to learn, and you shouldn’t have anything to worry about as long as you think logically and clearly.

Chapter 4: Controlling A Conversation

Do you wish that you could ever have a conversation with a person that you have never met before and they automatically like you?

Take a moment to think about people in your life who seem to always bring the best out of you whenever you have a conversation with them. You feel comfortable talking with them and you could continue talking with them forever. They could be somebody that you have known your whole life or somebody you have just met, but the conversation flows naturally and smoothly.

If you wish you could have this natural ability, don’t worry. There are ways to give you this ability. You can be in control of a conversation and gain the interest of others. Now, while I may use the word control, I don’t mean that you are the one constantly talking and “controlling” everything. I simply mean that you know how to work a conversation so that it continues flowing naturally. The most important factors in a good conversation are active listening, show curiosity, and keeping the sarcasm to a minimum.

But to give you a good start, here are a few conversation tips:

1. Make the conversation about the other person.

Have you ever had the misfortune of sitting through a conversation with somebody who went on and on about something that you didn’t have the slightest interest in? You likely felt wiped out by the end of the conversation and it probably felt like they were talking to their self. They are oblivious to the idea that you might not be interested in what they like.

The best conversations tend to be the ones that show an interest in the listener, their interest, and their world. Most people like to talk about their self. Take the time to ask them an open-ended question about something that you may have noticed. If you make sure that you give them positive feedback or a sincere compliment, you will have made a great start. Conversationalists are sincerely interested in other people, take the time to notice things, and use that information to fuel and start their conversations.

2. Take the conversation deeper.

Think about the people in your life that you are most willing to open yourself up to and share things with them. What about them makes you comfortable disclosing personal things that you wouldn’t typically tell others?

More than likely, they always make eye contact and they make you feel as if you are getting their full attention. Pay attention to expressions that they make. Notice how they are completely with you not only what they say but in their facial expressions. They look happy when you share something that you are excited or happy about. They will look solemn when you share something that is sad. You are able to feel that they are completely into everything you are saying.

If trying to emulate what they do seems unnatural, continue to practice this and push yourself until you have learned how to. You will start to notice that other people will react differently when talking with you.

3. Ask them good questions.

You can get other people to share more by showing them that you are interested by asking them questions. This will help the conversation to move deeper. Some good questions are asking them how they feel or think about something that they have been talking about. If you have had a conversation with this person previously, bring up something from the last conversation. More than likely, if they bring up something, it is an interest and importance. Take a moment to think about other areas that are connected to the interests you know they have and what they might like to talk about.

4. Take into consideration the time and space.

Don’t bring a conversation beyond pleasantries unless you know that you have time to listen to the person. Places that are loud with a lot of other people aren’t the best to get into a good conversation. To have a good conversation, you need a slow and relaxed environment without a bunch of pressure and distractions. Coffee shops are good for conversations. Sports bars aren’t.

Show Curiosity

Having a real conversation means that you have created a space for understanding. Real conversations give you a place for learning, and it helps to promote the deepening and nurturing of relationships. The most important of all is that real conversations feed our souls in ways that many other things can’t.

So, improving your ability to grow, maintain, and create real conversations is a skill that needs to be practiced, whether you are coming from it as a friend, spouse, child, colleague, or parent. One habit that can help you to nurture a real conversation in any area of your life is curiosity.

Curiosity tends to be associated with children or highly creative adults. But curiosity is an important and fundamental quality that is needed for anybody interested in lifelong learning. There are four areas in conversations that curiosity helps with.

1. When curious, we ask questions.

Alright, who are the most curious humans on Earth? Kids. What is that they do ad nauseam? Ask questions. What is it that will keep interactions with others from developing into a conversation? No questions.

When you have a conversation and you say something and they say something but no questions are asked, you might experience an exchange, but it doesn’t go much deeper than that, does it? If you really want to stimulate the conversation, don’t just create points and opinions, instead create questions about things that you would like to learn. If you ever start feeling like you are talking too much, shift the conversation and ask them a question.

2. When curious, we listen for the answers.

Asking questions may be important, but having a barrage of questions thrown at you can feel like an inquisition. What takes us from an inquisition to a conversation is that after you ask a question, shut up, and listen. If you really want to learn the answer, you will listen for their response because you want to know. The main reason why real conversations are able to improve relationships is that they require a person to actively listen.

3. When curious, we are interested.

Curiosity is what drives interest. Think about classes you did well in while in school and those you didn’t. What was the difference? My guess is you found some interesting and others, not so much. Being interested makes you want to learn more.

This happens with conversations as well. When you are actually interested in the conversation, asking questions, and listening for their answers get easier.

4. When curious, we want to learn.

When you are ready to learn, you put yourself in a place to engage in conversation for the purpose of learning, not just feeling like you have to get through it.

With these four things; questions, listening, interest, and a desire to learn, you can create a conversation and get all of the benefits from it.

Active Listening

Listening is one of the most important things you can do. How well you are able to listen can impact your life in many areas. Since we listen so much, you would think that we are amazing at it. Actually, most people aren’t, and research suggests that most people only remember around 25 to 50 percent of everything that we hear. This means that when you have a conversation with your significant other for about ten minutes, they are paying attention less than half of what is being said.

If you flip this around, it also means that when you are being given directions, you don’t hear the full message. You hope that the most important parts are held within that 25-50 percent, but what happens if they weren’t?

Clearly, listening is something that everybody needs to improve. When you become a better listener, you will also see improvement in your productivity, your influence, and negotiation. What’s more, you will be able to avoid conflict and other misunderstandings.

The only way to improve your listening abilities is to practice active listening. This means that you are making a conscious effort to hear the words that are being said as well as the complete message that they are communicating. To do this, you have to carefully pay attention to the speaker.

You can’t become distracted by whatever else may be happening around you, or by thinking about what you are going to say next. You also got to make sure you stay engaged so that you don’t end up losing focus. To improve your listening skills, you have to let the other person know that you are actually listening to what is being said.

To fully understand the importance, think about a time where you have had a conversation and ever wondered if the person was listening to what you were telling them. You wonder if they understand your message, or if it is even worth continue to talk. You feel as if you are talking to a brick wall.

Acknowledging what a person is saying can be as easy as nodding your head or simply saying, “uh huh.” This doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with what they are saying; you are just letting them know that you are hearing them. Body language and other nonverbal cues let them know that you are listening and can help you to pay attention.

In order to become an active listener, there are five techniques that you should try.

1. Pay Attention

Make sure that you are giving the speaker your full attention and acknowledge what they are trying to tell you. Understand that nonverbal language also speaks volumes. To show attention:

- Make eye contact

- Push aside distracting thoughts

- Don’t mentally think about what you are going to say

- Avoid letting the environment distract you

- “Listen” to their nonverbal cues

2. Show Them You Are Listening

You can also use your own body language and gestures to let them know that you are engaged in the conversation.

- Nod occasionally

- Smile and use other positive facial expressions

- Keep your posture interested and open

- Encourage them to continue by making small comments

3. Provide Feedback

Our beliefs, judgments, assumptions, and filters can distort the things that we hear. Being the listener, you are there to understand what they are saying. This can sometimes require you to reflect on what they are saying and ask a few questions.

- To reflect, begin your statement with, “What I’m hearing is…” or “Sounds like you are saying…”

- Ask them clarifying questions to make sure you understand things

- Summarize what they are saying from time to time

4. Defer Judgment

Interrupting isn’t helpful and just wastes time. It also frustrates the speaker and it prevents you from understanding the message. Let them finish their entire point before you ask them any questions.

5. Respond Appropriately

Active listening is made to help encourage understanding and respect. You are learning new information. You aren’t going to get anything if you attack the speaker or put them down in any way. Make sure that your response is honest, open, and candid. Share your opinions in a respectful manner. Treat them in a way that you think they want to be treated.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm, by definition, is “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.”

There are people in everybody’s life who loves to use little sarcastic and passive-aggressive modes of communication. They think their sarcasm is well-meaning, but based on research, sarcasm is simply thinly veiled meanness.

Sarcasm is basically a way to cover up hate or contempt. It is a quick way to ruin a conversation as well. But why do people use sarcasm?

1. Insecurity

When a person uses a sarcastic tone, they are trying to hide insecurity about something. Some use sarcasm or teasing to avoid confrontation because they are afraid to actually ask for what they want.

2. Latent Anger

Sarcasm can simply be a passive-aggressive way to assert dominance. For a person who is upset or angry, but is afraid of bringing it up, they will use sarcasm to disguise their barb.

3. Social Awkwardness

When people aren’t that great at reading people around them, or they aren’t sure how to carry on a conversation will sometimes use sarcasm to try and sound affectionate or playful. This is simply another version of insecurity, but this is common to hear at parties or other types of events. They will use it to try to lighten the mood; unfortunately, it will often have the opposite effect.

Sarcasm does not only tend to be hurtful, but it is one of the least genuine forms of communication. It’s important that you watch the things you say. Sarcasm isn’t funny because it normally involves hurting another person. It isn’t going to improve a relationship or lighten the mood. There are other fun ways to lighten the mood, but picking on a person, and that is basically what you are doing, isn’t going to help. You will lose a lot of respect if you constantly use sarcasm.

To be able to control and maintain a real conversation, make sure you remember these three important things: show curiosity, actively listen, and cut out the sarcasm.

Chapter 5: The Importance of Empathy

Empathy seems to be a unicorn in the communication world, yet it plays a huge part in effective communication. Empathy is simply being able to understand and share emotions with other people. It is made up of several different components, each of which works in its own place in the brain. You could look at empathy in three ways.

The first one is affective empathy. This means that you have the ability to your emotions with other people. People who have a lot of affective empathy are people who show strong visceral reactions to scary movies or violence on the news. They can feel the pain and fear of others within themselves when they see people in pain or fear.

The second is cognitive empathy. This type of empathy is having the ability to understand other people’s emotions. A good example would be a psychologist who understands their client’s emotions in a rational way but doesn’t necessarily feel their client’s emotions in a visceral sense.

Lastly, there is emotional regulation. This refers to how well a person is able to regulate their own emotions. For example, surgeons must be able to control their emotions while operating on them in order to do their job effectively.

Let’s take another look at understanding empathy to help distinguish it from other similar ideas. For example, empathy means the person has to be self-aware, and they need to maintain a distinction between self and other. This is why empathy is different than imitation or mimicry.

There are quite a lot of animals that may show signs of mimicry or emotional contagion when they see other animals in pain. But without some form of self-awareness, and being able to differentiate self and other, it isn’t necessarily empathy. Empathy isn’t the same thing as sympathy, either. Sympathy is feeling concerned for a person who is suffering and having a desire to help them.

That being said, humans aren’t the only species to feel empathy. In lab settings, it has been spotted in non-human primates and rats.

There are a lot of people who like to say that psychopaths lack empathy, but this isn’t always true. In fact, psychopathy is actually more effective when the person has good cognitive empathic abilities. Basically, the psychopath needs to understand exactly what the victim is feeling when they are killing or torturing them. The skill that psychopaths lack is sympathy. They are completely fine with watching the person suffer and don’t feel the need to help.

Research has also found that people who have psychopathic traits are great at regulating their own emotions.

Why Is Empathy Important?

The reason empathy is important is that it gives us the chance to understand how other people are feeling so that we are able to respond in an appropriate manner. It is most often connected with social behavior and there is plenty of research that shows that more empathy can lead to helpful behavior.

This isn’t always the case, though. Empathy can also prevent social interactions, or cause a person to act in an immoral way. For example, a person who has witnessed a terrible car accident and becomes overwhelmed at the sight of the victims in severe pain is something less likely to help them.

Similarly, having strong empathetic feelings from family members or people in your own racial or social groups can lead to aggression or hate towards others who are seen as a threat. This is the reason why mothers will sometimes become “mama bears” when their child is in danger, whether real or not.

People who can easily read the emotions of others, like psychics, fortune-tellers, or manipulators, may use their skills to benefit their self through deceiving others.

What’s interesting, those who have higher psychopathic traits will show more utilitarian responses in moral dilemmas, like with the footbridge problem. In this experiment, people were faced with the decision of whether to push another off of the bridge to stop a train that was getting ready to kill five people who were on the track.

The psychopath would push the person off the bridge. This goes along with the utilitarian philosophy that says saving the lives of five people by killing one is good. It could be argued that people with psychopathic tendencies have higher morals than normal people, who would likely not push that person off of the bridge, because they aren’t as influenced by their emotions when they make their decisions.

Measurement of Empathy

Empathy is typically measured through a self-reported questionnaire like the Questionnaire for Cognitive and Affective Empathy or Interpersonal Reactivity Index. These normally ask people to say whether or not they agree with certain statements in order to measure empathy.

With the QCAE, it asks things like “It affects me very much when one of my friends is upset,” which helps to give a score for affective empathy. The QCAE figures out cognitive empathy by placing a value on statements like, “I try to look at everybody’s side of a disagreement before I make a decision.”

Through this particular questionnaire, researchers have discovered that those who scored higher with affective empathy has more grey matter, which is a group of nerve cells, in the part of the brain known as the anterior insula.

This is the area of the brain that is involved in regulating negative and positive emotions by using environmental stimulants with automatic and visceral bodily sensations. People who had higher scores in cognitive empathy had greater grey matter in the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex.

This is the area of the brain that is normally activated during cognitive processes, like the Theory of Mind, which is having the ability to connect mental beliefs to others and yourself. It also means that you understand that others have perspectives, intentions, desires, and beliefs that are different than your own.

Selective Empathy?

Research has found that people normally feel more empathy for people within their own group, like those in a single ethnic group. There was one study performed that scanned the brains of Caucasian and Chinese participants as they watched a video of people of the same ethnic group in pain. They also watched a video of people of a different ethnic group in pain.

They discovered that the anterior cingulate cortex, which is activated when people witness somebody in pain, wasn’t as active when they were watching the videos of a different ethnic group in pain. There have been other studies that had discovered that the brain areas involved with empathy tend to be less active when they watched people pain who acted unfairly. They have also noticed activation in brain areas that are involved in subjective pleasure, like the ventral striatum, when people watch a rival sports team lose.

Yet, people don’t always feel less empathy for people who are not a part of their group. In more recent studies, students were asked to give money or electrical shocks to other students who attended the same or a different school. They were also undergoing a brain scan during this as well.

The areas of the brain involved in rewarding people were more active when they gave a reward to those from their school, but the parts of the brain involved in hurting others were equally as active.

This corresponds with observations people have made in daily life. We typically feel happier if a person in our group wins something, but we are unlikely to hurt a person just because they aren’t a part of our group, race, or culture. In general, in-group bias tends to be more about love instead of out-group hate.

There are some situations, though, where it would be helpful to feel less empathy for a certain group. For example, during war, it could be helpful to feel less empathy for those you are supposed to kill, especially if they are interested in harming you.

There was a brain imaging study performed to investigate this. People were asked to watch videos of a violent game where a person was shooting an innocent person or an enemy soldier. As they watch the videos, people would have to pretend that they were actually killing real people. The lateral orbitofrontal cortex, which is normally active when a person harms somebody, was active when an innocent person was shot. The more guilt that the person felt about shooting somebody, the more this area responded.

However, this area of the brain wasn’t activated when a person shot the enemy soldier. The results helped scientists to figure out how people regulated their emotions. It also showed them how the brain worked when harming people was seen as justified.

This may well help provide more insights into how people can end up becoming desensitized to violence or why there are some people who feel less or more guilty about hurting others.

The empathetic brain has evolved to become very adaptive in certain situations. Having empathy is helpful because it helps us to understand other people, but there are times when switching of empathy might be beneficial when it comes to protecting your life, or another’s life.

Empathy in Communication

We’ve covered a lot of scientific information about empathy and how it affects our daily lives, but we need to look at exactly how it helps with communication. The biggest benefit of bringing empathy into a conversation is being able to handle a confrontation. This is a situation that nobody likes to find their self in, but it happens from time to time. People get angry, and then the conversation turns into a shouting match, but with empathy, it doesn’t have to.

Anger is a normal emotion and is meant to be used as a way to communicate something. Anger can also push people away, but you really want is to be heard and connect with people. The same is true for a person who chooses a passive-aggressive behavior instead of a direct one. It’s aggression, whether straightforward or not. This is where empathy plays an important role. Whether or not it is anger rearing its ugly head in conversation, you can use these six steps to take the conversation back to neutral ground.

1. Focus on what is actually happening and allow yourself to become more self-aware.

If you are the one that is angry or upset, give yourself some time. Trying to communicate while in a frustrated state won’t turn out well. Words don’t come out right and things that shouldn’t be said, get said. Extremely emotions hijack the brain. When the emotions centers of the brain become overactive, people have a lot harder time thinking logically. Allow yourself to calm down or cool off, and then see if you are able to think more clearly and communicate yourself more effectively.

If it is the other person becoming emotional, the first thing you should NOT do is tell them to calm down. Never, in the history of the world, has this ever helped a person calm down. If the person begins to cry, sit quietly and let them cry, give them a moment. If they are becoming angry, give them a moment to express their anger if need be, and fight the urge to become defensive. Let them know that you would like to understand how they are feeling. Let them know that it is okay that they feel this way. Ask a lot of questions, and if need be, let them know that you can talk later once they feel ready.

2. Understand your emotions.

Whether you are the emotional one or not, you need to figure out why you are feeling what you are feeling. There are times where we think we feel frustrated, but in actuality, we are experiencing sorrow, pain, or rejection. Once you have figure out what you are feeling, then you can communicate it better and help the other person.

3. Figure out if there is some form of misplaced blame.

It is extremely easy to blame a person or situation for how we are feeling. People can feel overworked, hungry, unhappy in their marriage, stressed, or tired, and then they assign all of the blame onto the first situation or person that they encounter. It is likely somebody close to them as well. This is why, if a person gets angry at you, don’t become defensive because it’s not likely that you are the actual thing they are mad at.

4. Become more curious.

When you focus on your anger, frustration, or sadness keeps all of your focus on yourself. Research has found that negative emotions cause a person to become self-centered. This means that you have no room for another person’s perspective because you are locked into your own view. People don’t take the time to consider what the other person may be going through. This is when curiosity should be brought in. Become curious about the reason why a person is acting a certain way. Instead of being confrontational, show genuine interest into why the person feels or acts a certain way. The majority of people don’t go around with evil intentions, but a lot of people do make mistakes and upset other people. Chances are, the person didn’t act purposefully.

5. Have compassion.

When you take the time to ask “why,” you are allowing communication to take place, and you are showing respect and consideration for the way they act, feel, and think. This will help to create a better relationship and understanding based upon empathy and compassion.

6. Communicate with skill.

When communicating with a person who is upset, or if you are upset, use “I” statements. This removes confrontation. But you want to also make sure that you give the other person a chance to share their perspective. This should be done through simple questions, again, to make sure they don’t feel like you are attacking them. You want to be curious and not accusatory.

Learning Empathy

What should you do if you aren’t that great at understanding what people are feeling?

To a certain extent, everybody is designed to empathize with others. The brain is wired to experience emotions that other people are feeling. This is why you wince if you see somebody hit their thumb with a hammer, or why you start to laugh when somebody else is laughing.

Unfortunately, only a handful of people have amazing natural empathy. Our ability towards empathy lives on a continuum. There are some who have amazing natural empathy and can understand how a person feels simply by looking at them. There are some people who have very little natural empathy, and they can’t notice that a person is angry until they start shouting. The majority of people live in the middle of these two extremes and are able to pick up on the feelings of others part-time.

Fortunately, empathy is half natural and half practice. Depending on where you are starting at on the natural half, getting better at your empathy ability can require more or less work than another. No matter where you have to start, you can learn more empathy.

There are three steps to learning empathy.

1. Understanding Yourself

In order to understand the emotions of other people, you first have to learn how to empathize with yourself. The first step in learning empathy is to learn to accept and understand your own emotions. Having this ability is essential for having a healthy life, and it creates a foundation for empathizing with others.

While this may come off as touchy-feely, it is important and practical. Learning how to empathize with yourself means that you know how to accept and understand the things that you feel and why you feel them.

If you find that you are angry, you should recognize “I feel angry” and then understand the reasons for that anger. You should feel fine with feeling that emotion, and not try to stifle or ignore them.

Basically, if something horrible happens to you, you should be allowed to feel upset about it. You have to give yourself permission to feel sad. For some reason, people have this idea that we must all act happy at all times, or that their problems aren’t as important as things that other people are going through, so you end up feeling selfish when upset or sad.

This isn’t true, though. Your problems are important because you are important. If something happens to you that makes you feel sad or hurt, then express those feelings and allow yourself to feel as such. You should never keep these feelings all bottled up.

Of course, it is also important to improve your situation in order to get rid of whatever it is that is causing you to feel sad. You can feel sad if need be, but you shouldn’t have to stay sad.

And while everybody will get mad from time to time, if it feels as if you are angry or sad all the time, you may want to think about talking to somebody about it. A doctor is able to heal physical ailments, so a counselor can help you to heal emotional ailments, and you should never feel shame for having to ask for help.

This is true for more than just understanding emotions, as well. The point is though; you have to give yourself permission to experience all of the feelings that you may experience. When something bad happens, feel sad. You should also feel comfortable letting your family and friends know how you are feeling, even if it isn’t a positive feeling, or even if you aren’t sure why you feel the way you do. Fundamentally, you need to be able to accept that your emotions are simply a part of who you are, and just like you have to accept yourself, you have to accept emotions as well.

Now, I want you to take a second a reread that last paragraph. I’m serious; I’ll be here once you have done so.

Now, take a moment to answer these questions truthfully. Do you understand the source of your emotions whenever you feel things? Do you allow yourself to feel different emotions? Do you accept that you have the right to feel however you feel? Do you have healthy ways to express your emotions?

Did you find that you answered those questions with “I’m not sure” or “No?” If so, then you need to take some time to think about the way that you experience your emotions. Figure out why you answered things the way you did, and what you could do better to empathize with yourself. Speak with a person that you trust and get some advice or support. If you need to, make an appointment to talk to a counselor.

While it can take some time to work through these things, it is definitely worth the time. Making sure that you have a healthy and solid understanding of your emotions helps you to live a healthy and happy life. Humans are emotional beings, so emotions simply make up who you are.

Emotions are also a part of every other person as well. If you understand how it feels when you are experiencing a specific emotion, you will understand and interact with other people who are experiencing the same thing. So even if you aren’t interested in understanding your emotions for yourself, do it to help other people.

To help you to get a better understanding of your own emotions, I have a little exercise that I want you to do today.

As you do your thing, watch your emotions, and try to find times where you are feeling something. This can be any emotion; happiness, frustrations, boredom, sadness, anything. Then take some time to think through the reason you are feeling that.

I don’t want you to just scratch the surface either. It’s easy to say, “I’m mad because he cut me off.” Go deeper. You could discover that you are angry because they disrespected you, and you aren’t feeling respected in other relationships.

Think through all of your emotions; however, it works for you. It may be a good idea to set aside a bit of time at the end of the day to take a walk and think about your emotions of the day. You could journal about them as well, or talk to a person you trust.

Whatever you choose to do, I think that you are going to have a better understanding of who you are at the end of the day. This will also make it a lot easier for you to understand those around you as well.

2. Understanding Others

Through commitment to thoughtfulness and practice, anybody is able to learn how to understand the feelings and thoughts of other people. Now that you better understand your own emotions, it is time to think about the emotions of others. Start training yourself to ask “How does this look from their perspective?” Take enough time to reach a reasonable answer.

This doesn’t mean you have to be a mind reader or understand what everybody is thinking at all times, all you should do is try to imagine what it is like to be that person for a moment, and then make a reasonable guess about their feelings or thoughts.

Let’s say that you have to sit through an excruciatingly boring conversation with a friend who is talking about their stamp collection. If you see it from only your perspective, you are probably going to get frustrated and snap.

But if you take a moment to view things from their perspective, you will understand why they are talking about their stamps. If they are your friends, then more than likely they aren’t purposely trying to bore you. Chances are they were so excited to tell you about a new rare stamp they got; they forgot how boring you think stamps are.

You see it as being trapped. They see it as sharing exciting news with a friend.

Taking a moment to think about things from their perspective, you will be able to handle the situation better. This will make sure that you won’t snap at them. Instead, you could gently steer the conversation in a different direction. Or, you can take the opportunity to learn more about your friend and create a stronger relationship.

A flaw in the human character is that we get trapped in our own perspective. It is OUR perspective. Instead of trying to see things from another point of view, we are always trying to convince others to see things the way we do. People get angry at others for not seeing things the way they do. This is why arguments tend not to be resolved between spouses or children and their parents. One side is seeing the other as disrespectful, and the other side thinks the other should know that they didn’t mean to be disrespectful. Neither is willing to take the time to view things from the other side. If they would both take a second to view things differently, they could come to a reasonable end to the argument.

When somebody is upset with you, don’t get mad at them. Instead, ask “Why are they upset?” When you take the time to really think about this, you will realize that the other person misunderstood something and that it can easily be fixed.

Building empathy is difficult. But as you continue to ask yourself how things look from the other side, you will notice something amazing. You won’t have to ask yourself that question as often and you will start to intuitively notice how others are feeling.

This is going to take time, so be patient.

3. Nonverbal Empathy

When you are able to understand how a person feels or what they are thinking, it will be easier to interact with them. There is also a nonverbal part of interactions with others that needs a little extra attention. The knowledge that you gain from empathy is able to help you to use the best nonverbal communication.

Think about this, you have picked up on the fact that your friend is upset, so you ask him, “What’s wrong?” But your tone of voice is way too cheerful. How do you think your friend is going to view that? They won’t think you actually care. If you change your tone, though, to sound concerned and sympathetic, your friend will believe that you care and want to hear why they are upset.

I know at this point, empathy seems like a lot of work, but I promise you, it will become second nature. When you add in the need to manage your nonverbal cues, along with everything else we have covered, empathy may come off as overwhelming.

Not to worry, though, nonverbal empathy is the simplest part. Similar to how body language boils down to two things, there are two parts of nonverbal empathy: if you should be high-energy or low-energy.

When a person has high energy, they will be loud, expressive, and excited.

If a person has low energy, they will be quiet, relaxed, and reserved.

Now, high energy does not always mean that the person is happy, and low energy does not always dictate sadness. Somebody who has won the lottery can jump up and down and run around, or they can simply lean backward with a satisfied smile on their face. Both of these are happy responses to winning the lottery, but one uses high energy and the other low.

You should also remember that a person won’t always be high or low energy. So instead of saying something like, “My friend always has high energy,” it is more accurate to say, “My friend has high energy right now.”

So how does all of this play into empathy? If your friend is currently displaying high energy, then you should respond with high energy. The same goes if they are displaying low energy.

Take this, for example. You and your friend are out for dinner. Your friend has had a long day and they aren’t as boisterous as normal. They have low energy. But you are excited. You gush about how great the food is and you act out in an excited and expressive way. Your friend, on the other hand, just sits and pick at their food and wants you to settle down so that they can talk to you.

You are high energy and they are low energy. Your friend simply wants to have a restful evening while you are acting goofy. Since you two have a mismatch in energy, it is harder for you to really connect with them.

If you are able to match your friend’s energy, the evening is going to go a lot better. You should only match it and not exceed it. You aren’t trying to outdo them. You simply want to connect with them better.

That said, it is okay to feel low energy or high energy if you need to even if somebody else is feeling different. But once you have gotten your energy out, it is best if you can start to match your friend’s energy.

When monitoring energy and adjusting your nonverbal communication, you will start to find that you will connect with other people much easier. This helps with your empathy skills and much more.

Chapter 6: Verbal Dexterity

Verbal thinking is the most common method. Everyone has a range of intelligence that includes kinesthetic, verbal, emotional, spatial, musical, and numerical. It is verbal intelligence that is depended on most. Everyone expresses and thinks with words. Mastering how to use words is the most important skill that you could develop since trying to acquire new skills all depends on the way we comprehend language. The biggest part of an infant’s life is learning and developing their verbal skills, learning to speak, understanding speech, and then reading and writing. It doesn’t matter if an infant is raised in Moscow, Sydney, or Beijing; they will spend thousands of hours trying to learn their native language. They will be proficient with the sophisticated subtleties, complexity, power, and range of language. When a specific competence has been developed, many people will stop developing their verbal skills.

Researchers have found that a strong correlation between a person’s abilities with a range of vocabulary, words, and how successful they are in their field of expertise. People who are able to express themselves very clearly are seen as more intelligent and have a higher status. They are given more respect. Why don’t we continue enhancing our verbal skills? Why stop what we have been doing most of our lives doing? The problem is that we take verbal abilities for granted. When we master speaking, reading, and writing, we move to different things. Once we acquire that one important tool, we use it for many tasks, but we don’t take time to ever sharpen it. It makes a lot of sense to extend, enhance, and maintain this tool.

Here are ways that you can improve your verbal dexterity:

- Spend Time with Very Literate People

During the late 19th and early 20th centuries, many Russian intelligence agents would gather to enjoy poetry.

You might be able to close your eyes and see them drinking tea huddled around a candle, wearing fur coats and hats while the Siberian wind blows across the frozen land. Somebody might begin playing the balalaika while another stood and began reciting poetry they had written.

While these words rolled off the poet’s tongue, the ones listening would be transported through their luxurious metaphors and rich phrases. Once the meeting broke up, they would take those images and words with them to relish and meditate with. The way they understood the usage of words would expand with their imaginations.

- Use Extremely Vivid Language

To a writer, words are our tools and they give us the flexibility to express thoughts, tell stories, and impress the neighbors. My father was always an avid reader and was always reading to me as a child, and he made sure we had a vase vocabulary. But during the time after I had children, my vocabulary became a bit stunted. I was used to saying things like: “Do you want cereal?”

When I found out that my parents were coming for a visit, I would speak in multi-syllabic words to my children. I would say things like: “We have to impress your pater familias with the extensive vocabulary you have mastered while they’ve been gone.”

My best friend and I spent an afternoon using her daughter’s vocabulary words in sentences while the children sat around with their mouths opened in surprise. “This is the way you use sublime in sentences.”

- Read Harder Books

I love borrowing books from my friend because they underline words they don’t know, look them up, and will write the definitions in the margins. I will just read over words that I don’t know and try to figure out what they mean from clues in the sentence. I will then add it to my working vocabulary when I can.

I can remember the day when my school teacher gave us permission to go to the older children’s section to check out books. She told us: “I think you are old enough to handle some larger words.” Most of us hurriedly went to the older children’s section. I stood in awe just looking at the vast choices before me. These books were bigger with the print smaller and longer words were sitting on the pages. There were syllables I had to sound out, meanings I had to decipher, and yes, my vocabulary increased considerably.

- Buy a Good Thesaurus and Dictionary

The most loyal companions on your desk need to be a thesaurus and dictionary. You can use the dictionary to learn the derivations and meanings of new words you come across. You can also use it to check the spelling of words that you aren’t sure of. A thesaurus can help you when you are writing and need a different word so you can stop using the same word or create a different meaning.

- Write and Edit

Everybody writes. It might be sending a text on your cell phone, an email, or you might be working on the world’s next bestselling novel. One way to improve your writing is by reading what you have already written and ask these questions:

1. Are there ways to make it more accurate and concise?

2. Have I expressed exactly what I mean?

3. Is it comprehensible and clear to readers?

- Seize New Words

There is a feature in Reader’s Digest that is entitled “It pays to expand your Word Power.” This is very good advice. If you come across a new word, you should turn to that dictionary sitting on your desk and take some time to learn its derivation and meaning. It is very easy to just skip over new words and race through the book. We have to have discipline if we don’t want to lose these opportunities.

- Playing with Your Words

Children learn language by playing with their words. They test, experiment, make mistakes, and get corrected gently. You need to adopt a playful attitude with words and treat them like they are good friends. Word games can increase your intelligence rating and verbal dexterity. Most IQ tests will use word puzzles to determine a person’s IQ. Doing rebuses, word searches, code breakers, cryptic crosswords, anagrams, word puzzles, and other conundrums are great mental exercises to keep your mind sharp.

- Listen to What You Say

Just like you review what you have written to sharpen your writing, you can do the same thing with your speeches. If you can watch some video clips of yourself speaking, it is a great way to “see” how you talk. You can use it to help you rehearse for an important presentation.

Rudyard Kipling once wrote: “Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.” Words can intoxicate, inspire, and paint amazing images. Constantly work on developing the range of your skills and words. When you use words, you will reap amazing rewards.

- Keep Emotions Under Control

If you can remember the last time you were insulted verbally, you were probably very upset and you couldn’t think of a decent comeback. This was because your emotions too over and your verbal dexterity hit zero.

Once you calmed down, but long after the person who insulted was gone, you came up with many great comebacks.

Sounds familiar, right? This happens because our emotions can cause an increase to our cognitive load and it doesn’t have as much horsepower that is available for verbal tasks.

High-stress levels could impact word retrieval negatively and this can cause our speech to be less fluent. Communication anxiety can also have an adverse impact on your verbal dexterity.

Whatever you could do to help keep yourself detached and calm like heart rate variability training or meditation. These methods are long term plans to help your verbal dexterity.

When you are in short term situation, whatever you could do to remain calm and lessen negative emotions will help you with your verbal dexterity in a stressful situation. Managing, reducing, eliminating, or removing stressors in certain situations can help in these moments.

- Stop Multi-tasking

Many people love multi-tasking. Researchers have realized that multitasking can increase cognitive load and will affect verbal dexterity. This makes sense because it is more complex to perform multiple tasks at a time, so there is a greater cognitive load on your brain.

- Find Underlying Problems

Many psychological and medical problems can affect your cognitive functions and verbal dexterity like ADHD/ADD, low testosterone, depression, and many others. If you suffer from any of these medical conditions, have them checked out and learn how to manage them. You might find that your verbal dexterity will improve right along with the condition.

You might also be able to work with a psychologist to have your verbal dexterity tested if you think you might be suffering from extremely abnormal levels of verbal dexterity.

- Know Your Stuff

This one might seem obvious. When you are talking about a certain subject, you have to know your stuff. If you aren’t knowledgeable about a subject, you are putting more cognitive load on your brain when you try to talk about the subject.

For instance, you have to do a presentation about turtles. You don’t know anything about turtles, how fluent could you hope to be with this presentation? You won’t be fluent at all.

You will be more fluent when doing the presentation if you know a lot about the subject. Sounds very simple, but it isn’t easy at all.

- “Beat Gestures”

One study has found that using “beat gestures” can help your verbal dexterity. These are little rhythmic movements that will emphasize specific phrases or words without giving away certain information about their meanings.

Hand gestures give us access to the mental lexicon. These studies weren’t the only ones done that gave the same results. Basically, using hand gestures while speaking can increase your verbal dexterity.

- Increasing Working Memory

If you put verbal dexterity as the engine of verbal skills, then your working memory becomes the spark plugs. Verbal dexterity is the entire engine. Without the spark plugs, the engine won’t run and is completely useless.

If we can improve our working memory, our verbal dexterity can increase, too. The easiest way to train our brains is by using brain games. Using them daily can help maintain and enhance your working memory.

- Think About Words

Using too many words is going to bore your listeners. It will take up a lot of time and could result in losing your credibility. Don’t use words that people don’t understand. They won’t tell you that they can’t understand you because you appear intimidating and you make them feel inferior.

- Be Interested and Listen

Talking less and listening more means you listen well and will bring your listener into your conversation. This will help them trust you. It makes them feel as if you actually understand what they need. When they are talking, show your interest and be interested. This improves rapport that you are trying to create. Use note-taking skills to help you learn how to take memorable and effective notes.

- Look Out for Communication Traps

The impact of your words is just a small element in the communication that you are giving. You need to make sure that your body language, facial expressions, gestures, tone, and words are all relevant to the conversation.

- Always Be Honest

If you promise something that isn’t possible is going to break any trust that you might have already developed. Telling somebody that you “don’t know but you will be glad to find out” is a lot more positive than trying to come up with an answer that you hope will be effective.

- Look for and Show Understanding

Take notice and see if your audience understands what you are saying. It will be easier to backtrack a little than to go through the entire conversation again or you get the wrong results because your audience didn’t understand you at all. You can do this when receiving or delivering a message. Using confirmation questions and summaries could be very useful.

- Perspectives

Think about your presentation from the audience’s point of view. Just because you know what you are talking about doesn’t mean that they are going to.

- Develop Skills

There are many techniques that you can learn that will help you improve your verbal skills. These can include:

1. Skills to develop plans that you could use to create responses whether they are impromptu or planned.

2. Learn what techniques you should have to be more effective during this type of interactions.

Chapter 7: Tell Stories Without Losing Listeners

Giving a presentation can be either really bad or really good. Even presentations that are “okay,” like the ones that have been put together fairly well but they just don’t stand out, will end up being bad and it is mainly for just one reason: They are boring. Giving a boring presentation will kill your reputation. They could turn a room of attentive professionals into a room of zombies who are counting each slide and checking their phones.

The best practices for presenters, and this include structuring and practicing the presentation, are extremely important to create a quality show. But it is the little things, the body language, and the speaking that keeps your audience’s attention.

There are two types of attention: neck up and neck down. Neck down is when the listener is completely riveted to the speaker and they can’t help but pay attention. Neck up is when they have to make themselves pay attention.

In the English language, attention is “paid” because attention is valuable. When a listener “pays” attention, they reward you with the most valuable currency available.

Giving a one-way presentation is the worst way to give another person information. It takes effort and discipline just to sit and listen to anyone speak for any amount of time. You can make it easy on your audience by following these guidelines:

With the first three, you are required to know your target audience. You need to do some work and know what your audience is interested in, their level of experience, and their background knowledge.

- Never Make It Too Hard or Too Easy

You might have heard the concept “flow.” This is a state of being where you are being fulfilled by what you are doing and where you can be completely engaged. In this state, your mind won’t ever wonder, and you will lose track of time. If you say that a speaker is compelling, this is because you were caught in a state of flow. Your ultimate goal is to get your audience into this state.

There are several things that you will have to do in order to achieve this, but one prerequisite is the task can’t be too hard or too easy. If you are listening to a presentation, your only task is to think. This is the task that you have to set. This needs to have just the correct level of challenge for your audience. The level of challenge needed will change with your audience, how confident they are in the topic and their knowledge are all crucial factors.

Listening to someone talk you through a bunch of bullet points doesn’t require you to think. So, it can get boring extremely fast.

If you put up a complicated chart and just dive into the details without telling your audience what it is all about, the thinking is going to be too challenging.

You have to audit each minute of your presentation in terms of what the thinking task is that you have set for your audience. Is it going to be too hard or too easy for them?

- Let Them Know Why They Need to Listen

If your audience doesn’t have any reason to be interested, give them one. This can be hard. Most people in the audience have to be there, but they don’t have any interest in the topic. The solution is telling them why they need to care. If your presentation is about safety and health, tell them stories about people who have been injured in the workplace and what happened to them. If you can’t figure out a reason why they need to listen to you, then you shouldn’t give the presentation.

- Talk About Things Your Audience Likes

You might think this is too obvious and you’ve never made this mistake. I have seen many intelligent people talk about what they think is interesting instead of what the audience is interested in.

If you are giving a presentation at a large conference, people will come to your presentation because of what is on the synopsis. This is why interests them. Don’t change it up because it suits you. I had to sit through a seminar that was advertised to be email marketing, which was what I was interested in at the time. I get to the seminar and the speaker I had come to listen to gets up and begins rambling on about SEO for websites. She had been entranced by this subject and decided her target audience would listen to anything she had to say. She asked the audience how many people had their own website and only five out of the hundreds raised their hands. I thought for sure she would change back to her original but nope. We were subjected to an hour of talk about nothing we were interested in.

- Change Will Grab Their Attention

Everyone notices change. You will notice when the air conditioner comes on and when it cuts off but not in between when it’s running. You can use this to grab your audience’s attention.

There are two types of changes Micro and Macro:

1. Micro Changes

1. Make the changes between subtopics clear like: “So that is the problem we are trying to fix, let’s look now at what some options are.” If someone has checked out mentally, this will give them a cue as to check back in.

2. Present short videos

3. Pause before and after statements that are crucial

4. Change your delivery style by content. If you are stating facts, use a deliberate tone and stand very still. If you are telling a story, talk faster, move around, and get chatty.

2. Macro Changes

1. Change up the visuals from flipcharts to slides and back

2. Make your audience move around like start off with the sitting at a table them have them gather around charts

3. Change the place in the room where you are presenting from like move to the back and then back to the front. This makes sure the audience stays engaged.

4. Change your audience’s activities such as letting them talk for some time about a question they might have with someone sitting close to them and then back to listening to you.

5. Change up the presenters

6. Change up the topics

Try to use micro changes constantly and macro changes every ten minutes or so.

- Short and Sweet

The best way to keep your audience’s attention is to not go on constantly.

- Take Breaks

Place breaks into your presentation. If people begin lagging in attention, take a small break for a few minutes where they can get a drink, take a bathroom break, or walk around. Moving is the best way to revive people who might begin dozing off.

- Tell a Story

Every professional speaker uses the power of stories. There is so much evidence that shows people have been hard-wired to listen to stories. If you begin a presentation with: “Let me tell you a story…” you will have your audience’s undivided attention. Your stories need to reinforce the point you are trying to get across. Look at your presentation from a story’s point of view. Are they scattered throughout the presentation or bunched altogether? Scatter them for the best results.

You can exploit a story’s power to keep your audience’s attention by structuring your entire presentation by putting it into story form.

- Begin with Something Unexpected

Never begin a presentation with clunky and general facts. Don’t give a normal introduction to the topic. If you have planned an explosive conclusion, begin the presentation with a tease of the closer. If your presentation is building to a conclusion that your company will be able to change how people talk to one another, begin by introducing a peek at that change. Grab their interest right away and people will want to know the way you got there. You could also use some eye-opening quotes like: “We stand today at a place of battle, one that 40 years ago saw and felt the worst war.” – President Ronald Reagan

“I stand before you today, the representative of a family in grief, in a country in mourning, before a world in shock.” – The Earl Spencer, Lady Diana’s brother.

Each one of these will make you lean in and wonder where the speaker is going to take you. They will jump right into their presentation and create curiosity, intrigue, and suspense.

- Don’t Stay on Script

It would be a good idea to prepare your presentation beforehand and practice it to iron out any kinks. When you get on stage, you should try to abandon your cue cards. You should be so familiar with your subject that you will be able to talk about it in your sleep naturally. Get off course. People are going to be able to tell what you have rehearsed and what you haven’t.

- Make the Presentation about Them

Once you have their attention, make the presentation about them. Talk about their anxieties, aspirations, and goals. A Roman statesman and orator, Cicero, who was the greatest speaker in the world once said, “Tickling and soothing anxieties is the test of a speaker’s impact and technique.” What he meant was that you can capture the attention if you remind your audience of a threat to their wellbeing, a pain point, or a felt need.

During the late 60s and 70s Whisk used an advertising campaign where a housewife protected her husband’s career and social status when she used Whisk to clean his shirts. This is called FUD and many companies use it to sell their products. FUD stands for Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt. Just a little bit of FUD will get their attention.

- In the Beginning, Keep it Concrete

Show the audience a prop, use language that grabs their senses. Don’t start boring them right away with academic concepts or abstract reasoning. It would be better to hide how smart you are than to wear them in the open. Again, storytelling is a great way to get your topic across because we are wired to get information that way.

- Put Emotional Inflections into Your Voice

If you can’t be emotionally invested in your presentation, don’t do a presentation. You have to show emotion to get people to listen to you. If your presentation calls for you to get angry about some statistics, then get angry. If you propose some solutions, get excited about them. Use vocal inflections to put texture to your words and become animated on stage. If you don’t have emotional inflection, you should just let a robot do your presentation.

- Keep the Presentation Moving

I’m not talking about moving around on stage but in developing your presentation. Be sure that each new piece of information you give will build on what was before it. People lose interest in movies if nothing exciting happens. They will put a novel down if the author takes two pages to describe a setting. Our brains are wired for action, suspense, and drama. This holds true for your audience. They are results-oriented, content-driven, and time-pressed.

Think about the difference between a canal and a river. A canal is slow moving where a river is constantly changing and dynamic. In order to please your audience’s desire for variety, create your presentation like rivers instead of canals. Be sure that something is constantly happening, especially if you are doing webinars where your audience might become distracted.

- Soft and Loud Voices Are Powerful

Speaking in just one tone will bore your readers to death, even if you manage to get some emotion into it. Some sections might be more important or compelling than others. Use soft and loud voice to accentuate these differences. Talk low when you can afford for the audience to trail off a bit, and then get louder when you want to drive a point home.

- Make Your Point

The biggest pleasure that an audience has is grasping what you are talking about right out of the gate. They will resent you if you don’t give them this. Give them one point, make this point early and make it often and your audience will carry you out on their shoulders.

- Change Up Your Talking Pace

It is a good idea to change up your pacing. Speak faster when talking about information that most everyone knows or if you are recapping earlier section, then slow down when you are hammering home some important information. You can also use silence as a powerful tool but don’t get trapped in predictable speech patterns.

- Arouse Their Emotions

Humor is very persuasive. It will give you an advantage because it can change the room’s chemistry and the brains of everybody present. Never try to tell a joke if you aren’t a comedian. Just let your natural sense of humor be present and if something comes to mind, let this humor come out.

If you can tell them something personal about yourself, you can make them feel more connected to you. I listened to a presenter recently who confessed to her audience that she had been a short-order cook, taxi driver, and bartender to be able to pay her college tuition. Her audience was thrilled and amazed while she drove her point home that everyone can do more than we realize if we just have a will to do whatever it takes. A good definition of courage is acting out of character.

- Get Your Audience Involved

This takes some improvisation because you might not be able to predict how willing your audience will be until the presentation day. Try to get people involved in any way you can. This might include bringing them on stage with you so you can demonstrate something when making a major point.

An interactive audience can be persuaded faster than a passive one. With most circumstances, having give and take between an audience and a speaker can break the reserve and reticence of the audience and encourages them to begin engaging with the presenter and to be a part of the proceedings.

Some churches use the call and response tradition during worship. You can see it in universities and schools where a good teacher can ask questions and get even the shyest student to participate.

- Make the Headlines Clear

Create the headlines for the slide to show a point of view. Your audience will get the main idea and then read the rest of the slide for the evidence to support your point.

Using a headline like: “We Can Dominate the Market” will get more attention than: “Market Share.” It is better since it shows action. It is brimming with emotional content and intellect. It captures their neck down attention more than the sleepy phrase “Market Share.”

- Don’t Read Your Slides

Don’t ever read from your slides or PowerPoint during your presentation, that is if you use this sort of thing. The audience can see these and when you read it to them, your presentation becomes boring and it insults their intelligence. Talk about something different and let the slides do their job.

- Be Present

Being on a stage of any type, whether it is in a huge ballroom, a small meeting room, or a floor is profound. It brings your audience into neck down attention. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “What you are speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what you are saying.”

Listeners will interpret everything you do; they will read your stance, voice, posture, inner rhythm, and face. Our minds will assign a moral intention to physical cues that have just an inkling of emotional expression.

The problem lies in the fact that our minds do this in just a few seconds and your speech is a lot longer than that. In addition, you might be nervous, not at your best, so your technical skills at grabbing and holding onto your audience’s attention might be the difference between failure and success.

Every presentation is going to have moments when your audience will have to work just to grasp the material. When your audience finds your content and you fascinating, your reputation and results will improve.

Chapter 8: Relationship Communication

Human beings have a need to connect with others because it makes us happy. You have to know how to communicate well in order to have good social interactions.

What exactly will a healthy conversation look like? Are there ways you can keep from communicating too much? Are there ways to improve the communication between romantic partners?

Is Communication Important?

Everyone has a strong need to belong and connect. This is how positive social interaction can give us better satisfaction in life and increase our wellbeing. Helping to enhance social relationships can increase happiness since spending time with colleagues or friends can build positive emotions.

You can interact with people, both nonverbally and verbally. You can connect with others with just a smile. The main element to positive social interaction will always be good communication. What does this mean?

Healthy Communication

To have effective communication, you need a receiver, sender, and a message whether it is nonverbal or verbal that gets encoded by the sender then the receiver decodes it. It will also include feedback, the receiver’s response, and noise that could be anything that might interrupt communication.

Encoding means the sender transforms their thoughts into messages they communicate. The receiver then interprets what they think is the message by using the nonverbal and verbal parts. This might seem simple in theory, but it happens, and there isn’t a message that will get decoded without some bias.

How we decode messages isn’t ever the objective. Everyone has their own explanatory styles and filters that will paint the world as we see it.

Communication gets more complex because the sender’s message usually isn’t just facts. We speak to tell others what we are thinking and to tell ourselves what we should think. Speech is an important part of our thoughts.

Every message will have four facets:

1. Fact: What you inform about like statements, facts, or data.

2. Self-revealing: What you will reveal about yourself basically information about the sender.

3. Relationship: What you think about them the information about how you get along with others.

4. Appeal: What you want to make them do to influence others.

You won’t ever place the same emphasis on the four facets. The emphasis could be understood and meant differently. If a wife were to tell her husband that “the sugar bowl is empty” might not be about the fact that there isn’t any sugar in the bowl but about trying to get her husband to fill the bowl.

To make communication more complex, receivers will have one of four “ears”: appeal, self-revelation, relationship, or factual ear. If her husband has a great relationship ear, he might understand the sentence to say “you aren’t reliable because you forgot to refill the sugar bowl,” and he could come back with: “Well you aren’t reliable either since you still haven’t fixed the kitchen light.”

Does this conversation sound familiar to you? Things can unravel quickly if we don’t hear each other.

The emphasis of both the receiver and sender could create a barrier that will harm communication. We have to understand that the things we hear might not be what they were trying to get us to understand.

Do you know which “ear” you have developed? Do you hear appeals in each sentence? Do you feel questioned? Meaning you are listening with a relationship “ear.”

You have to be aware of the four facets to be able to engage in healthy communication. When you feel questioned, think back to the original sentence and ponder about the four facets. Are there other ways the message could have been interpreted? Focus on the face and use questions to figure out if you understood what they were trying to tell you.

No Communication

What can you do if there isn’t any communication in the relationship? Listening is the most important skill in communication. Positive, deep relationships are only created when we listen to each other. If there isn’t any communication in the relationship, it could be that neither person is listening. Each party might be trying to prove they are right or they might be “listening” when doing other things. You can’t listen to someone if you are doing other things.

There are some common mistakes that people make when listening:

1. Thinking or daydreaming about other things while others are talking. Things as simple as thinking about your grocery list.

2. Thinking about what you should say next.

3. Judging what others are saying

4. Listening while having a certain outcome or goal in mind.

Active listening is a lot more than talking. It’s an art that requires true interest in another, a curiosity instead of anticipation. Active listening can involve:

1. Involvement that is nonverbal – you show your attention.

2. Paying attention to whoever is speaking and not what is going on in your head.

3. Not judging.

4. Being fine with silence.

To bring communication back to the relationship, try this exercise: The first person is allowed to talk ten minutes about their day. The second person will actively listen with true interest. The second person can ask questions to clarify but shouldn’t interrupt completely.

If a silence happens, that is perfectly okay. Just take this time to relax.

After the ten minutes are up, the second person is allowed to talk for ten minutes, too. The same listening rules apply to the first person. You will soon see that ten minutes is an extremely long time to sit and listen.

You might be amazed at the number of things you can learn about one another and how this simple exercise could add value to your communication and relationship. Something as simple as doing this exercise just once each week is a great way to practice active listening.

Here are more techniques that can help improve your communication in both intimate and personal relationships:

- Better Communication

A wonderful technique to improve communication in all relationships is nonviolent communication. It’s based on the ability and willingness to perceive and approach problems without judging. This is extremely important because if you want someone to change, there will be resistance.

Using this technique is great when talking about a problem that has been on your mind. Your partner is late for your dinner date and this makes you feel disappointed and angry.

If you want a positive outcome, you can try the following steps:

1. Evaluation, Interpretation, and Observation

You have to first try communicating what you observe without interpreting or labeling them. If you date has arrived late, it’s just that fact: they are late.

You might interpret that the date didn’t mean as much to them as it did for you or something else might have been more important to them.

Instead of buying into how you interpret things, you could just say: “I noticed you were late for our date.” This is an observation that is factual and doesn’t need to be evaluated.

2. Thoughts and Feelings

You absolutely have to talk about your feelings. Arguments usually develop from emotions that have been hidden. Be sure you understand emotions and you can express them without judging.

Using the same example of the late date, you could say: “I feel annoyed.” Or “I am bothered by this because I wonder if you really want to spend time with me.”

3. Strategy and Needs

You have to know and be able to express your needs. By doing this, you give your date a chance to figure out if you want to and can meet them. You might say: “I would like to be treated with consideration and I would like to feel important to you.”

4. Demand and Request

With this step, you have to make clear requests. What will your date need to do in order for your needs to be met? You might say: “That is why I ask you to arrive at a specific time.”

This process is simple, but by no means easy. It is going to take time to wrap your head around it. It might feel clumsy at first, but with some practice, communication will get easier and become clearer. You will be accepting your partner with their flaws and asking them without becoming violent for things you need so you can be happy.

- Responding Actively and Constructively

Even though nonviolent communication can improve personal communication, there are ways you can change how you respond. Positive emotions can benefit a person’s well-being. Having conversations gives you opportunities to increase your positive emotions.

Feedback that is appreciated has to be inspiring, supportive, and focused on the situation’s strengths. The most common model that is used is the Active Constructive Responding Model.

This model states that messages could be passive or active and destructive or constructive. If your coworker tells you the presentation they gave went well, there are various ways you could respond.

How you react could fall into one of these responses:

1. Hurtful or active destructive: “That is surprising, you are normally bad at giving presentations.

2. Ignorant or passive destructive: “Sorry, I don’t have time to listen right now.”

3. Cold or passive constructive: “Oh, that’s good.”

4. Nurturing or active constructive: “That’s great! I’m really happy for you! Tell me about it!”

If you want to improve the way you communicate with others, be sure you respond to them in an active constructive way. Show true interest and be enthusiastic. If you are genuinely happy for them, give them feedback such as: “That’s great. Well done. I know you worked hard on that presentation.”

You might ask them what went well or to share some of the positive comment that they got back. When you ask more questions, you let them relive their experience and you encourage all those positive emotions to come back up.

Allow them to feel all the positive emotions and happiness.

Improving Communications in Romantic Relationships

Communication that is unhealthy usually begins with difficult emotions or negative thoughts instead of words. If you have been in a romantic relationship for a long time, you probably think you know your partner better than they know themselves. You can anticipate how they are going to react in specific situations. The way you think they are might cause you to miss opportunities to discover them all over again.

This can cause a negative impact on the ways you communicate within a romantic relationship. Relationships are about staying curious about who your partner is and the way they view the world. After some time, is it possible to see your partner differently?

Marva Collins was an American educator who was known for her teaching method. She worked with troubled and impoverished students who had a hard time succeeding during school. The way she taught helped them succeed. Her approach can be valuable in all relationships.

At the start of every semester, she would tell her students that they had received their grades for the entire year already. She had given them all top marks, and all they had to do for the entire semester was doing whatever it took not to lose these grades.

Instead of making the students prove they could get good grades, she told them that she had faith in them and they deserved to have a good education. This was very inspiring and motivating to the students.

Her approach created the correct perception for her students and herself. She treated her students just like they were Harvard graduates if they didn’t prove otherwise. Students started the year with her complete appreciation, encouragement, and trust.

This can be applied to romantic relationships to improve communication. Try this experiment and see what happens.

Want the best for your partner. Place them on a pedestal for being wonderful and talk to them appropriately. You like being talked to like you were loved, respected, appreciated, and valued in every way. How would you respond to somebody who thought very highly of you? You might just see your communication drastically improve.

Long Distance Relationships

Communicating with others is hard when you are beside one another. If you are in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t live near you, it can be a lot harder. Using effective maintenance strategies are essential with long distance relationships. Being optimistic helps, too.

Talking openly about the relationship and assuring each other you are committed are great strategies. Technology has made communicating cheaper, faster, and easier in relationships today. Technology can also leave room for miscommunications.

If your partner doesn’t respond to a message as quickly as you think they should, you may be jumping to conclusions. Having distance between the two of you can exacerbate feelings because you can speak with them in person. Does this sound familiar?

If you realize you are thinking about what they might be up to, learning more about thought distortions might be a good remedy. Negative thoughts only lead to unhealthy communication. Thought distortions are an automatic way you respond or think to an event that might cause distress. It happens when an emotional response doesn’t match the situation.

If you get caught up in a spiral, you might get stuck in one of these thought distortions:

1. Catastrophizing

This happens when you exaggerate any negative consequences. If your partner doesn’t respond to your message quickly or they don’t call you when they are supposed to, you automatically think they have fallen for someone else.

This trap is dangerous because our minds like to “close the gap.” You will look for information to feel your thoughts, and after you have made the decision that your partner has been unfaithful, you will see evidence everywhere.

2. Thinking Only in Black and White

The two of you agreed to meet up in a few months. A few days later, they tell you that June isn’t a good time for them. You automatically decide that they aren’t willing to make June work and you don’t want to see them at all.

There isn’t any room for any gradient; it is only black or white with you.

3. Emotional Reasoning

After you have hung up the phone, you feel misunderstood. The conversation didn’t flow the way you thought it should and you are feeling low and anxious. You figure that since you feel like this, it has to be true. This thinking trap and won’t be helpful when trying to create a positive relationship.

The best way to get out of this trap is to be able to recognize it. When you realize what happened, you will be able to pull yourself out of the spiral of negative thoughts.

Tell yourself that many events are very neutral. It’s the way you look at them that will place them in categories of either bad or good. You might see your partner on Facebook after you have finished talking to them, but that is only a fact. There isn’t any reason to judge or interpret it. Let yourself adjust your lens and focus on you. Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?

The things you focus on will grow. You have to invest in your thoughts wisely. This means you have to change your focus. A good way to do this is by using mindfulness, which means you are in a non-judgmental presence in each moment. Being mindful could help calm those wild thoughts. Meditation could also reduce cognitive and emotional bias.

You can find apps that offer meditations that are designed to help you deal with hard emotions. This is a great way to label thought distortions and bring your mind back into your breathing, living body.

Spotting Defensive Communication

The way we say and what we say can create a communication climate or the emotional tone. If you have a communication climate that is destructive could have bad impacts on the conversation.

If you make people feel comfortable while talking to you, they will speak openly and share things with you. If they feel uneasy during a conversation, they might just shut down. This goes back to the fact that humans can behave like other animals when we get stressed: we will either run away or attack (flight or fight).

There are specific patterns that can decrease or increase defensiveness between people. Six behaviors could trigger a defensive reaction. Among these is lack of concern, hidden motives, or judgmental language.

If you see any of these behaviors, you might react in a defensive manner without even knowing it. Your muscles tense, your arms might be crossed in front of your body, or you might freeze. You can’t perceive emotions, values, or motives because you take a lot of time and energy on defending ourselves and the message gets completely lost.

There are also six contrasting behaviors that could help keep a supportive climate like openness to finding solutions, respect, and wanting to understand.

Below are the 12 behavioral characteristics divided by defensive or supportive communication climates:

1. Supportive

- Spontaneity: being direct or straightforward

- Provisionalism: willing to investigate

- Empathy: are worth love

- Equality: being polite and respecting everybody

- Problem orientation: willing to find a solution

- Description: truly wanting to understand

2. Defensive

- Strategy: being deceitful with hidden motives

- Certainty: not willing to compromise

- Neutrality: not having any concern

- Superiority: thinking you are smarter and more powerful

- Control: tries to manipulate

- Evaluation: accuses and judges

Defensive climates won’t ever give a good basis to have constructive conversation. This is why you have to be able to identify defensive patterns and change them into supportive ones. Before you speak, ask yourself if what you were beginning to say might cause defensiveness and try to actively maintain or create a supportive tone to the conversation.

Over Communication

Sometimes we don’t communicate enough instead of too much. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Many couples are constantly in touch through social media all day long, even if they see each other each day while others don’t feel they have to.

There aren’t any rules about how much communication will be healthy. If you find something that works for you, there isn’t any reason to change things. What makes you want to connect with others? What motivates you to send a message or call someone? What do you want out of it?

Positive psychology is about thriving. Try to find solutions instead of trying to figure out the problem. It’s human nature to want to connect with other people, but we can’t forget about connecting with ourselves. Do you communicate with yourself as much as you do with others? What types of conversations do you have with yourself? Is this inner voice your worst critic or your best friend?

It is critical in intimate relationships to communicate in ways that feel right to all involved. You can use the following guidelines to open up communication with each other. If you are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, use these tips with caution. Only you know your relationship. If any of these tips might place you in danger, don’t ever try them.

To have healthy communication:

- Pick a Good Time: If you have something that is bothering you and you want to talk about it, it is helpful to pick a time that is good for both of you. Find time when you both are calm and there won’t be any distractions. Make sure you pick a time where you won’t feel rushed or stressed. You could even schedule a time to talk if both lead busy lives.

- 48 Hour Rule: If your significant other does something that makes you mad, you should tell them about it. You don’t have to do it immediately, if you are still hurting after 48 hours, tell them about it otherwise forget it. You have to remember that your significant other can’t read your mind. If you don’t let them know when you are upset, there isn’t any way for them to change or apologize. When you do bring up your hurt feelings and they apologize and mean it, leave it alone. Don’t bring up problems later on if they aren’t relevant.

- Watch Your Body Language: Show your significant other that you are listening by giving them your undivided attention. Sit up while facing them and always make eye contact while they are talking. Don’t answer the phone, play a game, or answer a text while you’re talking. Give them the respect they deserve by listening and responding.

- Honesty: You and your partner have to both agree to be honest. There will be a time when the truth hurts, but it is the main key to have a healthy relationship. Admitting that you aren’t perfect and then apologize if you make mistakes rather than coming up with an excuse. You are going to feel better, plus it will help strengthen the relationship.

- Never Attack: Even if you mean well, you might come across as being too harsh due to our word choice. When you use the word “you,” it might sound as if you are attacking. This only makes your significant other less receptive and defensive to what you are trying to say. Try to use “I” or “we” when talking. You could say something like: “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately.” Don’t say: “You have been very distant with me.”

- Be Face to Face: don’t talk about matters or problems that are serious in writing. Emails, letters, or text messages could be misinterpreted. Speak with them face to face, so there aren’t any miscommunications. If you have problems collecting your thoughts, write them down beforehand and read them aloud to your significant other.

Ways to Communicate When Angry

It is perfectly fine to get angry when you are in a relationship. Everybody gets angry at some point. The important thing is you resolve these conflicts in healthy ways. If your partner makes you angry, here are some steps you can take:

- Stop: When you are extremely angry, stop and take some time to breathe. Tell your significant other that you need to take some time before continuing with the conversation. Take enough time to calm down by listening to music, taking a walk, playing a game, talking with a friend, watching television, or whatever will help you to relax. Taking some time off can keep the situation from becoming volatile.

- Think: Once you aren’t upset any longer, think about what makes you angry. Was it the way they spoke and what they did? Find out the main problem and then figure out how to explain the way you are feeling.

- Talk: After you’ve done all the above, talk with your partner and remember to use the above tips.

- Listen: Once you have told your partner the way you feel, don’t forget to stop talking and listen to them. Both of you deserve an opportunity to express your feelings in a healthy and safe environment.

Communicating isn’t easy. These tips might feel awkward or unnatural. They will help you learn how to communicate better and help you build a strong, healthy relationship.

Just like singing or painting, communicating in a relationship is just another skill that you have to master. If you want to improve your communication within your relationships, you should do these three things:

Unhealthy communication begins with difficult emotions or negative thoughts. Words are the result of emotions and thoughts. Be mindful of what is happening in your mind while you are talking to somebody. You have to understand your emotions before you can communicate.

You need to be aware of your inner lens that is responsible for the way you decode messages. A great tool to use is paraphrasing if you aren’t sure whether or not you understand what your partner is saying. Use your words to summarize the way you understood the message.

It is better to practice listening rather than talking. Try to focus on their facial expressions while they are telling you their story. Listen without thinking about what you should say next and don’t judge anything you hear.

You will soon see your relationship improve by using these three steps. Why? Good communication shows appreciation. Good examples of ways to show appreciation are: “I am curious about what you have to say,” “I enjoy talking with you,” or” I value our time together.”

If you don’t have a lot of time, that is perfectly understandable. If you use the above information, you will be on the road a happier, healthier romantic relationship.

Chapter 9: Eloquence

Have you ever been in a situation when after you’ve had a conversation with someone, you think of something great you should have said? This has happened to me a lot in both good and bad situations. If you are anything like me, you hate that feeling.

You want to go back to them and tell them you want to add something to a conversation you had over a month ago a conversation that they probably don’t even remember. You aren’t going to do this, but you really want to.

You might feel like you just don’t know the right things to say, so here are some ways to help you become eloquent and witty.

Wit is a great quality to have and it is a great way to get someone to let down their guard. You can win people over easily by being witty. You can charm and influence people. You will be able to turn any situation positive. A person who is witty will be able to find themselves in the middle of any gathering, event, or situation.

Wit doesn’t have anything to do with being silly, funny, being a comedian, or entertaining others. Wit is an ability that is unique. It allows you to think on your feet while coming up with comical or clever observations about the situation.

Eloquence and wit are being able to say things that will make others admire, love, and become immediately interested in you.

Just like anything else in life, eloquence and wit can be learned and practiced by anyone. You just need some motivation and a desire to be more eloquent and witty.

The next time you watch your favorite entertainer, writer, or speaker eloquently speaking puns and one-liners without any effort at all, pay attention to how they speak and what they say.

Here are some tips for becoming a more eloquent speaker:

- Watch Television

Even though television shows are scripted, they are great resources to help you master being eloquent and witty. Find television shows that have outstanding one-liners and excellent dialogue. Look for shows that have inspiring characters that you can learn things from. Immersing yourself in witty and eloquent personalities will help you get more eloquent and witty and you will soon be a smooth talker, too.

- Expanding Your Vocabulary

According to research, a normal person knows about 35,000 words but only uses around 3,000 of them. The rest of the words just turn into “passive vocabulary” that doesn’t get used much at all.

A person who is eloquent won’t have any problems being able to get your point across. Learn how to be exceptional. Use online resources like dictionaries and thesauruses.

You should learn a new word each day. Know the origins of the words and ways to use the word correctly. There isn’t anything worse than listening to someone spew out words and using them incorrectly. After you can become consistent doing this, you will surprise yourself at the results.

- Memorize Some Quotes

Be that person who is always bringing up great quotes or saying during a group conversation. Just think about what it would be like having that perfect quote for each and every scenario and situation. This will make everybody want to listen to what you have to say. You will have to learn, memorize, digest, and be able to speak those quotes. This just might be the best part of learning eloquence and wit.

- Be Concise and Brief

There isn’t anything worse than sitting and listening to someone go on and on and on…

People who can’t stop talking are the worst. You might have a hard time being concise and brief, but sometimes nerves get in our way. You know how annoying it is when you are sitting across from someone who doesn’t listen to a thing you say because they can’t stop talking long enough to even acknowledge that you are in the room.

It is imperative that you can be concise and brief. If you can learn how to express yourself in just a few words, with some quotes and one-liners, you will grab people’s attention faster than somebody who keeps talking while trying to make their point.

- Use a Script or Framework

Being eloquent and witty will take spontaneity, but you can use a script to help you. Many professional speakers and writers will use frameworks, scripts, and prompts to help them keep their thoughts in line. This doesn’t make them less eloquent or witty. It helps them produce a great delivery, which is their ultimate goal.

You never get a second chance to be eloquent. You just get the one and you have to do it correctly.

- Learn Some Puns

I have always been bad with puns, but this is one thing that I would really like to get better at. To be able to master puns, you have to be able to use words that mean the same thing or sound alike.

Think about a book publisher that is having some legal problems and they have asked you to create them a tagline. You could do something like: “At our company, our word is the law.” You have just brought together what they are going through with what they do. This is how puns work.

- Silence is Powerful

Some times when people speak, you can actually hear music because language is sound.

If you have listened to a beautiful violin concerto or piano sonata and the person hits a bad note during a great melody, could ruin the mood of the entire audience. This also goes for anyone who adds uhmm, or uhh after or before their sentences. These people are afraid of silence entering the conversation.

People who know how to speak eloquently knows how powerful silence is. If they are forced to pause, they know how to use silence as an advantage. Silence can create suspense. It could either be looked at as an opportunity to make the next sentence more poignant or uncomfortable. The power here is that great speakers know the way to use it advantageously.

- Get Rid of “Uhm” and “Uhh” and Replace it with “Now,” “You See,” or “Well.”

People also like to fill the silence and stutter when they don’t understand what they are saying, uncomfortable, or nervous.

Everybody learned this during middle school. The easiest way for your teacher to think you didn’t do your work was standing there stuttering while shoving your hands deep into your pockets.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what you are talking about or if you are terribly nervous is beside the point. It is what you make your audience believe that matters. You can easily conceal this by using words such as “now,” “you see,” and “well.” Rather than saying something like: “Uhm, I thought…” you would say: “Well, I thought…” These sound completely different, don’t they? Little words like “now” is a great filler word that could help you make the silence longer if you need some time to think. You could take some time to pause by saying: “Now,” pausing and moving on with what you were saying. That can give you two seconds for you to get your thoughts together.

- Watch Your Speed

If you aren’t sure that you are talking too slow or too fast? Try this little exercise: Find a passage that is 160 words long. Read this out loud while you record yourself. How long did it take? It should have taken you about one minute. You should be able to speak between 155 and 175 words a minute for a normal conversation. If you are summarizing or reciting information, you can talk a bit faster. If you are trying to explain something technical, slow down the speed.

- Emphasize the Last Sounds

Try not to trail off or mumble by making an effort to pronounce every syllable. Pay attention to the last word in each sentence and the “Ts” in contractions.

- Be Confident

How can you be more eloquent? Speak with confidence. If you are just talking to someone on the phone, how you hold yourself will impact the way people receive your thoughts. Lengthen your vocal cords by holding your chin parallel with the floor, sit up straight, and don’t move your hands too much. Keep your hands folded on your lap or table. This projects trustworthiness.

- Jargon Won’t Impress

The best speakers will leave jargon alone. Would you like to know the difference between a seasoned salesperson and a new one? A seasoned salesperson will make you feel educated where the new one will leave you dazed and confused.

Jargon is completely pointless. It isn’t meant for people to be able to do things faster. It isn’t intended to be used to make people feel impressed. It normally doesn’t impress anyone. It will just make them feel left out and confused about what the conversation is about and who they can give value to it or some emotion that will make it easier to relate to.

Think of it as using more poetry and less endless prose.

- Stop Using Curse Words

Sophisticated people won’t ever use words such as bitch, ass, shit, fuck, etc. They just won’t.

You might have the vocabulary of a sailor, but there is a place and time for it to be used. The best way to earn trust and respect of others is speaking well, and this means you have to get rid of curse words.

- Get to the Point and be Descriptive

This is close to using jargon; you need to make your point and never talk around it. There isn’t any point to it.

Nobody likes sitting around listening to a stream of words tied together. Say exactly what you mean in as little words as humanly possible. Once you get to the essence of what you are saying, describe it so well that whomever you are talking to will be able to “see” it perfectly.

Details are very important. They are what draw people in and stimulate our senses. It is why some are great storytellers, whereas others will put you to sleep. Don’t confuse this with saying a lot of stuff. It isn’t about length. What it is about is meaning what you say and saying it well.

- Keep Your Spine Straight but Remain Relaxed

Being eloquent isn’t just about the way you use language. It’s about using body language, too. How your back is positioned creates the foundation for your body language and is the root of your eloquence.

Slumping tells others you lack confidence in your words and yourself. If you go too far and stand “at attention” straight, this is saying you are in “fight or flight” mode. If your back is straight but relaxed will put you in a physical and mental state where words will flow easily and smoothly.

- Chin Up

The way you hold your head is as important as the way you position your spine. This fact can be reflected in many expressions like: “Hold your head high” means to show determination and pride. Saying someone is “downcast” tells others that you are being beaten down.

Keeping your head up is needed to be eloquent for physiological reasons, too. If your neck is tense, it will strangle your words and keeps you from clearly speaking.

- Focus on the People Who Are Listening

Eloquence is only meaningful if people listen to you. They aren’t going to listen if you think about other things or if your eyes are darting all over the place. If people aren’t paying attention, you are just giving a speech.

Two things to remember: Don’t glance sideways: this makes you look dishonest. If you have to check notes, look down without moving your head down. Only move your eyes.

- Learn to Project Your Words

To have the maximum eloquence, you have to speak loud enough so the people in the back of the room can hear, but it isn’t too loud for the people sitting in front.

If you aren’t sure about your volume, as someone in the back if they can clearly hear you. If they tell you “yes,” drop your voice a notch and ask again. If they can’t hear that, then go back to the previous volume.

Never start yelling. Yelling will make you sound insane instead of eloquent. If you find yourself having to yell, you can ask the people to move closer to you or for a microphone.

- Support Your Words with the Right Gestures

Learn to use your hands to emphasize your important points. The best way to learn this is to watch the way popular speakers and celebrities use gestures while speaking. Notice how their hand movements “emerge” out of their hands.

If you aren’t actively using gestures, don’t move your hands. Scratching, rattling papers, rearranging your glasses, etc. will distract your audience and will cancel your eloquence.

- Position Your Body Correctly

You can add power to your speech if you move your body the right way. If you are speaking from a stage, you can move from one place to another to show that you are beginning a new topic.

If you are sting around a conference table, lean forward a bit when you would like to emphasize your point. Change your position when you move from one concept or subject to another one.

- Use Words Everybody Can Understand

Using clichés are just the opposite of being eloquent. Use common phrases or words that are unexpected that will illustrate your point memorably. You could use: “common as houseflies” instead of “a dime a dozen.”

Stay away from words that people in your audience may not understand. If you use snobby words, it might make you sound snobby instead of smart. If you have to speak a term that the audience doesn’t understand, explain it in plain language.

- Talk in Various Speeds

If you speak at one speed will turn whatever you say into a monotonous drone. Change up your speed, depending on how important what you are trying to communicate is at the time.

If you are going over the background or summarizing you can talk faster than if you are giving new information. If you are introducing or describing a new concept, slow down to give your audience time to absorb it.

- Pause to Emphasize

Silence isn’t only golden, but it is eloquence’s crowning glory. A small pause right before you say something important can create suspense. It will make your audience “hand on every word.”

Pausing after you have stated something important will show how important it is and will give listeners time to reflect on its importance. The best example of perfect eloquence when pausing is Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech.

- Think Before You Talk

The best trick for an eloquent speaker is to know what you are talking about. When you have a clear idea about what you would like to say will help you organize your thoughts into something coherent. It’s as simple as that.

- Work on Weaknesses

Take some time to find out what your weaknesses are. When you have identified them, make a plan to address them. A good strategy is to tackle one problem every day. You could try to work on completing sentences on Wednesday and getting rid of filler words on Friday. Keep doing this every week until talking clear is just second nature to you.

- Practice

Writing and reading are probably your favorite things to do if you would like to be a great writer. If you want to be an eloquent writer or speaker, you have to practice a lot.

This will involve practicing all the points that are mentioned above again and again. Constantly practicing will ensure that you reach excellence and success. Even if you can’t spend hours each day practicing, try to put in at least one hour.

Chapter 10: Choice of Words

‘Words have the power to destroy and to create. A word can change an event and a feeling. It is so important to choose the right words

Words are a way of communication. The choice of the words we use is a style of how we express ourselves be it in written words, spoken words or even what we just think in our minds. The words we use might seem insignificant, but they can create beauty in the hearts and minds of many and at the same time, they can cause irreparable havoc that forever remains in the minds of people and to go down in the books of history. Word Every person chooses the words which he feels comfortable with, which he feels are simple enough for the audience to understand and the choice of these words accurately, can make a difference between building greatness and hope or destroying by causing catastrophes.

Miscommunication of words causes big uncontainable catastrophes. Words should be well communicated to make or drive home the meaning that is intended. For everything to be successful in the world the words should be communicated clearly and the choice of the words should be wise. Successful relationships start and go further because of choice words. Those in these relationships know when the red button has been pressed and then make sure to choose the right words to change the button to green.

Sometimes words may have very simple and little meaning attached to them but the audience misunderstands them and they end up causing great pain and even wars. The audience feels disrespected because of the misunderstanding of the words. Just like the wrong or the unsaid words can bring down a space ship, so are the misunderstood words. It is important that as much as your choice of words is good, you should be very clear and thorough. You should reflect on how the message will be conveyed and received.

The words that are unsaid hold the same importance as that of the spoken words. The silence that falls between the unsaid words and the spoken words hold a lot of significance in the message. The silence is the most powerful of all of them. The silence between the words can help sink the message in the minds and hearts of the audience. For example, a person who talks nonstop is more likely to be misunderstood, misquoted and so many other things than a person who speaks a few words which he has chosen carefully. The words we use are definite; they do not have any dynamic range or malleability unlike the interpretation of our lives. We can define our lives in whichever way because we have powers within us to change the way we live. Unfortunately, we cannot change the words we have already spoken out after some time. Especially if we said them clearly and explained them to sink in the audience's mind. Words do not have these dynamics and malleability. When dealing with words, a dog is a dog and it cannot and be a cat. If you tell someone he is stupid, you mean he is stupid, it cannot change be stupid meant good or clever.

In your choice of words, you should not go deep looking into the meaning of words. Sometimes the words are only simple and do not mean otherwise. Always look out for the added benefits of the tone, look at the facial expression and the body language of the speaker. The power of the choice words is two-way traffic. There is power in their utterance and the power in how they are ingested, so each time we speak, we write or when we think, we should be very mindful of what we are engaging ourselves into.

There is a problem when we do not take any active role in choosing the words we express. When we speak without taking into account the force created from the flow of our speeches when we allow other people's words to emotionally paralyze us and then we answer back without choosing our words carefully.  Most of us, in one way or the other, are victims of the power of choice of words.

There are principles of choice of words that everyone should uphold while choosing the words to address an audience. These principles govern the choice of words so that one is able to know if his choice of words is within the complying rules or not, if not, you are always free to change your choice of words before you air them out to cause harm or complications that is irreparable.

Principles of Choice of Words

Obsolete words

Obsolete words are outdated words. Others call them archaic words though the difference between the archaic words and the obsolete word is that the obsolete word has fallen into the dilution more re4cently than the archaic word. Obsolete words are words that have been overused and now hold less meaning or impact when they are used again. They are diluted and can easily be misinterpreted. Avoid using obsolete words while speaking or writing. Your choice of words while addressing people no matter how good they are. If you use obsolete words, they will dilute the meaning of the whole speech. People will start misquoting you and they will end up misunderstanding you which later o0n will cause problems.

Emphasize positive words

As a speaker or a writer if you want your points to be understood, maintain positivity. Make sure you emphasize the positive effects of whatever the message you are addressing. You cannot start speaking about the negativity of a project when you really want that project to be implemented, you will have to talk about the positivity of that project. Also, when a speaker is talking about a certain product, he does not have to talk about the competitor of the product in a negative way, this drives a wrong message across. Could be you are jealousy. But if you maintain the positivity in your emphasis, you may just get what you need. Choice of words playing it your way and you get what you want, play it the competitors' way and you create chaos.

Avoid Overused Words

There are words that have been used more than they should actually be used. They have been overly used though they have their meaning. These words make your message so boring and they make the audience have a different judgment from you. It is either you did not prepare well or you are not conversant with the trend of the world and civilization. You cannot expect people to listen to you and agree with you when your choice of words is not to their expected standards. Some audiences expect words to reflect intelligence and if this cannot be achieved when you open your mouth giving a speech to them, they switch off completely. Make sure the choice of your words is not so repetitive in that they are everywhere.

Choose strong words

Strong words do not mean ambiguous words. It only means that you choose the words that best suit the occasion and leaves no room for alteration.  Choose the words that the audience might not be expecting to hear but when they hear them, they will go along with them. Choose the words that will put smiles on their faces and alleviate tension if any. For example, you cannot go to a place where there are community wars, and start addressing people by pointing fingers at one side of the group expecting the war to end. You can point fingers yes, but at both of them. Your words should be strong enough to drive the point at home by sinking clearly without misquote or misinterpretation in the minds of the audience.

Use specific precise words

Your choice of words will depend on the audience you are addressing. You should make sure your words are directed to what you intended to communicate. They should address the point only meant to be addressed, in other words, they should be specific. For example, you have a problem in your relationship because your partner is drinking alcohol too much to extend of forfeiting the responsibilities he is expected to execute. To address this issue be exact. You want to address your partners’drunkenness, choose the words that concern drunkenness. Then be specific. The specific thing here is alcohol. Address alcohol and the effects it is causing in his life and to the relationship. You should not just start jumping from one thing to another, like the last time he bought you a dress, the last he ever took you on a date, the girl you caught him with, his annoying sectary and so many others. Maintain your choice of words by being specific and exact or precise and things will be well solved.

Understandable words

Your choice of words, whether written or spoken should be understandable. You should make sure that the audience will understand what you are saying. If you choose words in a way that you alone can understand or with a mindset that you do not care about who understands them and how they understand them, then disaster is knocking on the door. How the audience understands what you are saying or you are writing is very important. This helps in clearances of any doubt and limits any chances of misinterpretation of the message you are putting across. This also helps or gives room to quickly remedy a disaster if any arises due to your wrong cho9ice of words.

While we have principles that govern our word choices, there are ways that also help us improve our words choice and stay as relevant as possible.

Ways of Improving the Words Choices

Improve your vocabulary

You must be able to have a variety of vocabulary to use while addressing the audience. You do not want to be one-eyed when you have two. Go to libraries, read a lot, do online research and you will find that your vocabularies have increased. You will find yourself using words that you have never used before to address the audience. More vocabulary gives you ease with the message and they paint the relevancy picture in you. They make you stand out before the audience.

Use new words in a sentence for practice

If you want to improve in your choice of words, start practicing the new words. Use them in sentences when talking to friends or families. You have to familiarize yourself with words before you go out using them to new audiences and the only to do that is to practice them in the sentence then within no time you will know how they are used.

Image: Words affect

Always replace general words with specific words

You cannot generalize everything when choosing your words. This will end up sending a wrong message. Be specific. Generalization while choosing words can seem as disrespect to some people and when some people in the audience feel that they are disrespected; your message will not be conveyed. For example, if you are chosen to go to a global warming summit that is being attended by presidents, governors, senators and other junior delegates to address people in that meeting, do not generalize. Do not go about and say ‘’’good evening ladies and gentlemen’’. As much as ladies and gentlemen are good but it is not good enough. Some people in that forum want their presence to be recognized. They want their titles to be recognized without generalizing them with their juniors. You can start out by the point the specifics, ‘the chairman of the global warming summit of this year, the presidents of different states in the house, the governors present, the senators around and other delegates present, good evening’’. This will sound better to every ear that is listening to you. They will be addressed. They will feel the attachment and inclusion of what you will be telling them. So, to improve your choice of words, never generalize.

Avoid slang

Slangs are words that people consider casual ort informal. Writing slang or giving a speech in slang to different audiences is very unprofessional. Slang is mostly used in the streets. The use of slang can cause misinterpretation to the audience because slang might be localized ion one part of the society and the others do not understand its meaning. Sometimes slangs have multiple meanings and can cause confusion in the minds of people. For example, the use of the word ‘’fuck’’, people use these words differently. It is slang. Some use it to mean surprise, some to mean hurt; some use it to mean the intimacy between a man and a woman. Use in the sentences:

Fuck, you came, am so excited that you remembered to visit me.—this person is surprised and happy that he was visited, he is using ‘’fuck’’ to show his surprise

Fuck am going to disfigure his face—this person is hurting while using the word fuck, he is even swearing of going to hurt the other person too.

It was a good fuck darling—this could be communication between lovers or people in a relationship where one is appreciating or complimenting the other for intimacy.

Therefore, if you want to improve your choice of words and maintain relevance, you should avoid slang. People will not know what you mean and this might end up bringing problems.

Pick words that match the tone

Your choice of words and the tone matters a lot. You cannot be angry while your words are so soft. Your tone should reflect anger for someone to understand. You cannot be addressing people about the importance of growing trees while your tone is so high, people will feel that you are a dictator. You are trying to command then around and, in the end, this will fail. So how you choose your words, should be keen on the tone accompanied by it. For example, if your sibling, friend or your child tells you in a low tone, ‘am sorry am not going’’ after sending him somewhere. You will be concerned and want to find out why he is saying that.  In the same scenario, you decide to send him then and then he shouts back, ‘’ am not going’’. There will be mixed reactions. You will have an argument; because you will feel disrespected and even at times disciplinary measures will be taken,the tone can be either positive or negative. In this case, the first tone reflects positivity but needs concern, while the second signifies negativity that requires disciplinary intervention. Therefore, your choice of words and the tone matters a lot.

Use a dictionary to find antonyms or synonyms

If you are writing or maybe practicing on your speech, make sure, you do not repeat the same words all the time. Your speech or article will be so boring. It is advisable for you to look up synonyms of the words. You can use words with the same meaning but they are different words.  In a case where you take your trouser to the tailor and tell him

‘’ To be precise, I want the hem of this trouser folded twice’’. You can as well say

‘’I want exactly two folds at the hem of this trouser’’.

All these statements are correct and relay the same message. Precise and exact all mean the same thing but you did not want to repeat yourself in both the statements.

Avoid redundancy

In your choice of words, avoid words that are useless. You know very well the words are not so meaningful or useful but you add them to your speech anyway. This drives the wrong messages sometimes. The audience might think you did not do your research well that is why you are using less useful. It also [portrays that you do not have confidence with whatever you are selling out to the people. There I nothing as bad as when the audience will think that you are not interested in what you are telling them, it will become chaotic. Therefore, it is good to avoid redundancies in your choice of words.

Importance of Words Choice

Use of incorrect words may not deliver the message

If you are addressing an audience and your words are incorrect, the crowd will hang you for them. The audience does not think of what you wanted to say, they think of what you said that is why your crucifixion or praise comes after your speech. The incorrect choice of words sends a different message thus it is very important to choose your words correctly before speaking or written or even when thinking.

Cause of misunderstanding

Incorrect word choice will cause misunderstanding. Your intention might be good but your words are not well chosen. Just like in the projects. Good projects fail due to the wrong choice of words. Companies lose a lot of money because of the wrong choice of words. The audience will misunderstand you if you choose your words incorrectly and this might result in problems.

Senselessness

You do not want to look senseless before an audience; this is so humiliating and shameful. The choice of words will make you appear sense full or senseless. The sense will come in when your choice of words is good and vice-versa will result in the senselessness. Imagine going to a podium to make a speech about the importance of unity and everyone is looking at you like you just landed from Jupiter and start shooting questions from all sides. This will freak you out and if you are not strong enough, you must just run out of the building. Your choice of words matters here.

Impact increase on mind

When you choose the correct words, the impact of the message in the mind of an audience is increased. A correct choice of words makes the audience understand better and want to know more about what you are saying or writing. You being a business who wants to add a price to your goods whereby the addition of this price will bring more money to the shareholders and better quality to the consumers. While addressing either of these groups, you decide to choose your words correctly and carefully. This idea will be appreciated and implemented not because you took a lot of time explaining and convincing them, but because you chose your words correctly and the impact of the correctness sunk the message to their minds clearly without alterations.

Your choice of words reveals your attitude and personality

Attitude is the only word that has alphabets that reach up to 100. When denoted in percentage form, this only means attitude is the only thing that can make you reach your highest potential or remain where you are. If you want positive results, you must have a positive attitude. A high level of attitude awareness should be realized by everyone and the choices of every word we say show which attitude we are harboring. If you are addressing an audience about how to prevent HIV/AIDS and your words seem not to care about the eradication, this only means, you have an attitude towards people suffering from this virus and you do not care about it. This only shows you might be giving this speech because of hidden motive which could be money, fame or anything else. Your personality is portrayed by every word you say in the speech.

We should be able to do some self-coaching in our choice of words so as not to spread nit to the audience. Before addressing an audience, you should always discover your motives. Do a self-motivation. Make yourself part of the issue you want to address, visualize the issue at hand, how the people will think and how they will see you as you address the issue. Do an internal dialogue and this will help you choose your words carefully and correctly. The words are chosen here and the attitude signified will help drive the point home safely or will cause destruction, so be careful what attitude you are showing when you speak or write.

CONCLUSION

The downfall or uprise of anything or anyone depends on the words we use. A good choice of words will do marvelous things while the wrong choice will cause pain. How your attitude is seen in your speech entirely depends on your choice of words. You might not like something, but your choice of words will say differently. Our choice of words will have to also depend on the audience we will be addressing. Controversial issues like religions have to be handled keenly with high expertise of word choices because a single match stick here can burn the entire universe. If words have always failed you and brought more chaos than good, you can always learn. Nobody was born knowing the words, we all learned these words but how we use them is entirely our choice. So, you can learn ways on how to improve on the choice of words that you use. Choice of words are like ticking time bombs, it either you detonate the bomb or you let it go off and become a calamity.

Chapter 11: Anxiety: The Worry about Other People’s Thoughts about Us

It is for our own good when reality occasionally punches us in the face. And that can be through our own selves or through others. Most of us have heard that the many troubles we fear never actually get to happen. Have you really considered whether what you think others regard you to be is actually what they think of you? Oftentimes we overestimate how much and how badly people think of our failings. Many people have in this way over-inhibited themselves and they live lives far less spontaneous and less joyous than it ought to be for them.

The one thing you do or don’t do because of how you expect other people to react; you need to analyze it and decide upon it in a rational manner. You surely know that you are not being true to yourself caring about others’ thoughts and not your own concerning you, right? But stop and think. If you were on your deathbed this very minute, would it matter what you are worrying yourself about? I will tell you, mostly no. Think about that. Have you loved enough by now? Have you done all the things you ever wanted done by now?

True. Our happiness does depend on the quality of relationships that we keep. In fact, quite many of our routine activities involve other people. We eat with others. We socialize with others. We work with others. And we do not want to do these things with cynical people or sadists. But we are not going to peg our success or lack of it entirely on other people’s expectations. You must choose to follow your heart and stop so much caring what everyone thinks. You will be amazed how life will get significantly better for you.

Worrying About Things That Won’t Matter To You Later

Many do not consider it in this way. Or they just do not realize this. There are also many who despite this realization just do not know how to get started out of their already worsening situations. Worrying and fearing is the most impractical way anyone can spend their time and energy. When you worry and worry about something you want, it does not in any way become evident you will have it. Similarly, worrying about what you do not want will not get it out of your way.

Worrying is counterproductive instead. It just does not serve you. So what things are people thinking about your lack and you’re buying on that to perpetuate your inaction? They are not real. Rather, inaction leads to anxiety and it overwhelms. You render yourself into a state of endless confusion and therein waste away your potentials. Watch your minds. Are they wired for negativity, only seeing difficulties and impossibilities? Undoubtedly, that is not what matters to you.

If you ever worry about anything, see it as an opportunity for you to dig deep into yourself because therein is your being and power thereof. It only matters what you make of yourself and what you use it for.

Do You Not Feel Whole Without The Approval Of Others?

Peace is found within; do not seek it without. What will you find outside that will fill a gap within you? Only you can fill your inside from inside. Choose to affect the environment. Do not wait to be affected. Affecting is the only effective way. To be affected is to be infected. You do not want that because it makes you unhealthy and ineffective, however you perceive it.

Dependence on the externalities can be the addictive cycle that will turn you away from yourself. You stand against your own chances and grounds. You rob yourself of authenticity and power. Contrary to your expectation, you drain yourself dry without recompense. What you create out of weak thoughts never holds your water. Not even for yourself or others. You become a fake. And when you become all aware, everyone turns against you because they think you lost your values.

Understand it thus; dwelling on the thoughts of others is disempowering you.

Be Content with Who You Are

Live your life for you. Have you created an ideal in your mind as a result of your mindfulness of others’ thoughts? Forget it. Live your life not for others but for you. That is the right and most fitting thing to do. What you have is what you need to start with. Where you are is where you must start. How you are is all the arrangement necessary for you to embark. Any other standards you draw must be founded on these factual understandings of self.

Have you taken the time to discover yourself? That is the incredible person you must show to the world. If anyone shall matter to you, they must choose to love and admire you for who you are. Shun hanging judging yourself on the basis of those who you are trying to be. What are your values? What is your belief? What is your purpose? You need to come to the full knowledge that you are different in every way. That is how differently powerful you are. First, take care what you think about yourself. The others’ thoughts come subsequent but might as well be left to be just that – their own for them.

Worrying About Others’ Thoughts Doesn’t Contribute to Your Positive Transformation

The person who chooses and really sees you even when you are fumbling with issues is the one who matters to you. You are obliged to live a life you are proud of, know yourself and share that with your loved ones. Stand up and advocate for yourself. Do not give that power to someone else.

Your mind will occasionally try to wander into the thoughts of others about you. Teach yourself to realize that promptly and bring it right on back to you. Whatever voids there are, fill them with your love. Stand in your own power. Show the world who you really are. And do it unapologetically. It does not matter whether or not they get to notice it.

At the end of the day, you reflect someone's image. Would you mirror the wrecked image of someone or would you be the best version of you? Be your own biggest fan.

Chapter 12: The Magical Power of Words

Magical power of words in our lives; a single word can change the emotional intensity of a message.

The magical power of words in our lives; a single word is able to change the emotional intensity of a message.

When we look beyond the religious connotations of’’ in the beginning there was a word’’, everything truly begins with a word. This word carries vibrations and sounds that they send to our minds to make the mind choose and decide whether to believe it as true or false. The reality which surrounds us is created by the vibrations consisted of the words. Words can be called as the creator, without a word, there is no reality in the thought at all. They can create a universe in your mind, they can create our lives to be able to move or remain where you are, and they can create reality.

We can always create anything we want with the words in our lives. The emotions attached to them are surprised at what they can do. From our own words, we have the most important tools that create reality. Our words provide the confirmation that lies deep within us. When someone speaks something, it is not that it just popped out of his mouth; he is confirming the reality that is in him. It is his powerful affirmation of words that his thoughts are coming into reality by speaking them to the audience.

Words are like magic; they are the labels given to emotions and feelings. The words are descriptions of your experiences. They help you understand your life. Words do not describe reality; they describe how you understand as reality. Reality is understood as perceived. Your perception of something is what your reality becomes. In simpler words, the interpretation you make of things that happen, are the words you use.

Words just like magic have the power to influence. You are always emotionally influenced by the words you read, you hear or you speak. The influence of these words may change the emotional intensity of the message by either under-delivering,over-delivering or not delivering at all. When we feel so down or lively at times, this is influenced by the words we use to describe our experiences. The intensity of the words we use either pulls us down the drain or lifts us up the clouds. You will feel good or bad according to the label; you give yourself or anything.

Words with their magical power can transform your state of mind and not only that, but they can transform your life as a whole. The words you use carries different weight to your emotional wellbeing. Your thoughts will always imp-act what you do or manifest in your life. If you say, you are going to make it in life you surely are going to make nit because you have made up your mind to work towards your goal.

Our behaviors are shaped because of the words we use. The words we use have different meanings and carry different intensity at any given time. The choice of words at any point can transform your emotions and shape your destiny. Take, for instance, political leaders. Political leaders come up with their manifestos and sell them to us using the power of words, they do it affectionately ion that we are emotionally attached to every single word they say and we end up voting them in. Some political leaders when they open their mouths to speak, they speak so well but then one word, just one lets them down. It could be a specification term or a generalization term. The intensity that term that he uses drives fear, anger, confusion and so many other mixed reactions that the audience does not want to hear him speak again. The audience starts seeing the political leader as an ill cultured person because they feel their emotions were stepped onto.

The words that we use in our daily lives carry a lot of weight. The weight the words carry can affect you or the audience emotionally. How words are expressed or said might bring a lot of chaos or a lot of joy. They can result in emotional reactions like anger, hatred, stress, frustrations and so many other reactions. Like a matchstick, the way it is so small can cause a lot of disasters buy burning down everything or it can cause a lot of joy by lighting a candle in the dark house when light is needed. This is no different from words. A single word spoken, with the intensity it carries can bring many mixed reactions that cause emotional torment or it can bring a lot of joy to the heart.

Each time we speak, we should be keen and fast to weigh the words we let go out of our mouths because you never know the impact of those words. For example, if you are in a densely crowded place, then you shout ‘fire’. There will be mixed reactions. Some people will panic and start running in any of the directions while others will be so confused not to know what they can do and, in that state, they are likely to do things that are harmful because of the emotional confusion. The intensity of the word ‘fire’ is so strong to create a lot of emotional imbalance in the minds of the people.

The energy that words carry gives the language its capability and possibility to hurt or heal. If you could remember the first time, or anytime someone said something to you and it refused to leave your mind. It literally stuck in your mind; these only means words have weight. The emotional intensity of the message is completely changed by the weight of the words you received. For example, you go to a hospital when you are sick after the doctor runs some tests on you, he comes back with the results and tells ‘you have leukemia’ this might be the unprofessional way of relaying a message, but the message is correct. However, the weight of the words of the doctor will send a different message to the mind that will cause emotional problems. The emotional intensity of the message has been changed with the way the doctor said the words. The first thing after receiving that message is you die. No matter how you try to shake off the idea but it will play in your mind for quite some time or maybe forever. All this is a reminder to us that words are ‘alive’ they carry consciousness and we should be very conscious of how much weight they carry while using them.

When we are conscious of how to use the words bearing in mind the weight of these words, we always deepen the relationship between the words and us. We are able to understand that words not only interpret something or convey a message but they also convey feelings. We have to be able to feel the weight of every word that we speak. We have to understand that words do not exist independently, they cannot support themselves alone and they are not abstract. This means we have to know that words are the most powerful transmitters of feelings.

You may want to make an observation of how your words affect others when you speak or how other people’s words affect you emotionally when they speak. You will realize that for every spoken word, there is an emotional reaction attached to it. In words, there is no single word that one can assume and call an insignificant word. Every word spoken has an emotional attachment to it and can change the message delivered. In some cases, people speak words and told to repeat they say ‘never mind’. This never minds actually should be minded. The words heard while you were speaking carried weight that drove a certain reaction to the mind of your audience and you should be very mindful of this. You may realize that people who speak faster without thinking, they just throw words anyhow do not have the word power as the people who speak slowly and confidently. Those who speak confidently and slowly wield all the power of the words. The people listening to him will be keen on what he is saying. The words in his speech carry a certain weight that sinks in the mind of people well. The emotional intensity attached to the message is well received and unaltered from the slow confident speakers than the fast-careless speaker. When you become a good listener before you speak your mind, your words carry more integrity than when you rush to speak without listening. You will achieve the power of speech when you center yourself before speaking. Each time we measure the emotional intensity of our words before we speak, it will help us be intelligent message conveyers for healing messages and be able to transmit positive feelings deeply to the audience listening to us.

The words that we use have a biochemical effect on our bodies. For instance, you use the word ‘terribly disappointed instead of using the word a little bit disappointed. The word terribly sends certain biochemical manufacture in our bodies that in the end causes the emotional problem. You can imagine while speaking to your sibling an argument arises arise and he tells you,’ you are dumb’. This will crumble you emotionally because of the words he has used, but what if he had used words like, ‘please let me explain to you how it is or let us check it up and get the real picture of the issue?’ It sounds better right? This process also happens with words we use internally. When we criticize ourselves and say mean things about ourselves the biochemical effect is released. Sometimes it causes different emotional reactions and fears just happen to be one of the emotional reactions caused by the emotional intensity of the words.

Repetitive words can carry a lot of weight in the messages. Language is learned by repeating some words almost every day. When a child is born, he does not know when to speak, but when he hears a certain word more times than the other words, he will definitely speak that word. When words are repeated most of the time, they carry a weight that affects the emotional intensity of the message. When you constantly tell yourself that, you are too fat or too thin or too ugly all the time, these words drive a message to the emotions. These words get stuck in your mind because of their repetition and they send a certain signal that activates the emotional reactions. Just like in the nursery school when we use to sing the rhymes ‘row row row your boat’, probably the rhyme still lingers in your mind up to now because of its repetitive nature. Each time you remember this rhyme, a certain emotional feeling is attached to it. The emotional intensity in the song makes you feel differently emotionally.

While using words, a single effective word can dampen the emotions of someone or alleviate it and they can completely change the meaning of the message. Words that affect people can cause positive effects or negative effects on the emotions of the audience.  Angry words are affective words and they can send an alarm to the brains, which block the logic and all the reasoning centers from working effectively leaving one emotionally bruised. Using the right words and measuring the weight of the words we use can transform our reality and helps the emotional messages be relayed or conveyed accordingly.

Hostile words can change the emotional intensity of the message. They can disrupt certain genes that produce chemicals that keep us from stress. When these genes are disrupted, we become emotionally naked and any form of emotional disturbance hits our emotions so hard that we may not be able to withstand at times.

Some single words can increase the activity in the fear center of the brain because of the weight they impart on the emotional intensity of the message passed across. When these words increase the activity in the amygdala, which is the center fear of the brain, a lot of stress, is released which produces a chemical that interferes with the normal functioning of our brains.

Positive words or a single positive word is able to intensely affect the emotional meaning of a message. Positive words are like an airborne disease. They spread through the mind if you keep telling yourself about positive things. You will find that when positive words start spreading in your mind, your perception of different things and yourself change. You will realize that the perception of others about your changes too.

The positive use of words and the positive view of yourself help you see the good in others. If you are emotionally satisfied by what you have heard, written, or read, this means your emotions are healthy and you will feel good about them. When you feel good about yourself, you are more likely to feel good about others. An emotionally haunted person cannot regard others as good. He will always see the negative side of other people.  He will always picture someone as doubtful and will constantly suspect people. This person is full of doubt and suspicion. This haunt can only be caused by emotional intensity delivered by words in the message.

We should always sit down and reflect on the harm or on the benefit a word will cause emotionally to the audience before speaking it. Reflecting on words is a process that includes one paraphrasing and stating again the words of the speaker as well as the feelings of the speaker. Be in the shoe of the audience, listen to yourself and know the emotional intensity attached to the message to be delivered. Reflecting on words you as speaker uses will help you be able to understand the emotions attached to them. It will help you have a greater understanding of the meaning of words and the feeling of those words.

Reflecting on your words before uttering helps, you hear your own thoughts. It will help you be in the shoe of the listener and be able to focus on what you will be saying and feeling.  Mostly in the content, the speaker uses ‘’you’ instead of ‘I’’. He may say ‘‘you feel terrible about the idea’ instead of’’ I feel terrible about the idea’’. Reflection helps him focus and understand that he is not only addressing and conserving his emotional well being, but his words are addressing the emotional well being of the audience and the message should be passed across emotionally clear without hurting anyone emotionally. When you feel what you are saying, this will help you adjust the emotional intensity degree of every word you will use in your speech.

Reflecting on your words helps you tell the audience through your emotions that you are part of their world. If you are addressing a concern like a drought, you have to weigh the strength of the emotional impact your words will make on those affected by the drought. Your words should be able to make them emotionally comfortable and satisfied that you are standing with them during this hour of need.

When we do a reflection of our words, it helps us continue talking while motioning the emotional trigger of the audience. One is able to understand if the mood of the audience has changed during the reflection and can quickly umbrella the situation before it gets out of hand.

As much as you need to reflect on the feelings and emotions of what you are speaking, you also need to reflect on the degree of intensity of these emotions. Being emotional or reflecting on them is not bad, but is your reflection on these emotions appropriate? This is a question you should ask yourself while reflecting. Therefore, when you reflect on your words, you are required to combine both the content and the feeling to truly get the meaning of what you want to say.

Reflection of Words Before We Speak Is Based On the Two Techniques Below;

Mirroring technique

This technique is very simple and does not take much of your time. It involves one repeating keyword or the last words spoken during the reflection. One has to point out the keywords in the speech and repeat them to see the degree of intensity of emotions attached to the message. In as much as mirroring is a good technique during reflection time, make sure you do not overdo it because it will become irritating and cause a distraction from the message.

Paraphrasing technique

This is where other words are used to replace the speaker’s words but the meaning is maintained. Most people have formed the mind of what they want to hear or write at a given time. It is advisable to keep away your ideas during paraphrasing and do it without bias or judgment. Paraphrasing should be non-directive.

Benefits of Watching the Degree of Intensity of the Words

Since the degree of intensity of words determines the emotional reactions of an audience, it is important to understand this and be able to remedy our failure. Below are the benefits of doing so;

Reduce the risk of hurt

When we apply the right words with the right words to our speeches, the risk of emotional hurt by the words is eliminated or reduced.  Stress, confusion and many more mixed reactions arising from the degree of intensity of the message will be elevated if not at all reduced.

Certainty

Words well chosen with the correct intensity have certainty that gives hope to the emotionally deranged. Imagine giving a speech of help to the hunger-stricken families somewhere in the world, your weight of words will show the certainty in the speech and will restore hope to the victims.

Eliminates misinterpretation

One single word can change the entire message. The weight this word carries sends a different message emotionally to the receiver. If we can be able to choose our words well with the appropriate weight they deserve, we will be able to eliminate the misinterpretation of the message.

Shows the attitude accorded

Attitude is a very important thing while using words. Your attitude defines your habits which defines your behavior. The words you choose with their respective weight shows or reveals your attitude to the audience. One is able to understand or know that you are with them in whatever the issue and you like being with them or not at all. Your attitude while addressing the audience will drive the emotional harm or health to the mind of the audience.

CONCLUSION

The emotional intensity of any message is determined or characterized by the words we say. Words can change meaning because of the weight they carry. You may want to pass a certain message across but due to the degree of intensity of the words you are using the message will be distorted. It will not be a clear message and it can be misquoted.

Each time you open your mouth to speak, put in mind the impact your words will make on the audience. Is it a negative or positive impact? The positivity or negativity of the words in your speech is brought about by the weight the words hold. You have to be careful with some words for they carry the weight that can cause more irreparable damage.

Words cannot be called back once spoken but a remedy can be applied to ease the pain, hurt or ruin they caused. You have to put in mind that some words are more disastrous than others because of the weight they cause. For example, if you hear the word ‘’ death’’ and ‘’sick’’, what comes to your mind first?  It is sadness. Both death and sick are saddening words but the degree of intensity each word carry is different from each other. The word death is more saddening than the word sick because of the weight accorded to it. In death, there is no hope and in sickness, there is hope that he will be well.

Therefore, the degree of intensity of any word is always formed by our minds and then the mind attaches different emotions to the words. This is simply notifying us that words come into reality when we ourselves define reality. How we define ourselves in the mind is how our reality comes into being.

Mark this, each time you speak, the audience filters the words that you have used basing on their psycho-emotional state. During this filtering, they can interpret the meaning of these words wrongly. That is why it is very important for you to know that one single word spoken or written by you can easily change the emotional intensity of a message.

Chapter 13: Power of Words in Strengthening, Encouraging and Boosting Confidence

The words we use also have power over our lives; Words help us improve others-encourages and strengthens your self-esteem and that of others.

Words can make a difference in our lives and in the lives of others. The real power in our lives is in the words we speak as much as thoughts impact what we manifest. Our words confirm our most internal thoughts. The sub-consciousness of any person is always awoken or represented by the words the person speaks.

The words we speak to ourselves or to others are like a lamp that gives light. This lamp lights your path so as to be able to see clearly the direction you are heading to and be able to fulfill your goal and objectives. If we allow well-lit paths that the words provide in our lives, this will transform us into better humans that will be able to know the direction of life and understand completely where we are supposed to head.

When you open up your mouth to speak or when you decide to write at any given time, always put in mind that you are either going to encourage yourself or pull yourself down, the speech you will make will define who you are, also mind that you are going to encourage someone or hurt someone by taking away what would have made him better. Make sure that you always have something good to say.

Speaking good things are likely to encourage you or the person you are talking to. When your words are good, they are likely to bring the best out of you and out of your audience. You must also make sure you have the knowledge of what you are talking about. Good knowledge of your facts or ideas is able to instill confidence in you or your audience. If you have ever known the answer in the class and then the teacher points to you to give out the answer, you feel so confident when giving out your answer because you are certain that it is the correct answer. This is the same with words. Have full knowledge of what you are saying so that your words can encourage you and the audience you are addressing.

Sometimes no matter how much you have tried to improve yourself and others by encouraging them and strengthening their self-esteem you find that your efforts hit a rock. Your efforts are just simply not fruitful at all and this dampens you completely. There is always a way for everything. Even the most strongly built walls have a loophole of bringing them down. Same to your situation, there is a way that can make you be able to reach the hearts and minds of people through the words you speak.

First, consider the ‘’If’s’ that makes life worthwhile

Life is worthwhile if you learn

Words shape our lives in one way or the other. This means we have to always learn the words that can improve the self-esteem of others and encourage them. If you do not know anything in life the best weapon to know it is by leaning. If life is worthwhile while we learn, good encouraging words can be obtained by learning too.

Life Is Worthwhile If We Learn From Our Own Experience.

They say experience is the best teacher. Our experiences are defined by the words we speak and these experiences will help you be able to encourage someone and strengthen their self-esteem. The positive or negative experiences in your life can be used as a weapon through your words to encourage someone. If at a certain point in life you failed, your experience about this failure can be used to encourage someone to pursue his or her goals through the words you speak.

Life is worthwhile if we learn from others

Learning from others is the best way to understand something. Sometimes you may learn something but later on find out that you do not the thing you learned about, it is fine, but words of encouragement, strengthening words can be learned from others. They could be motivational speakers or experts in the fields. When you learn what others are saying to encourage people, you will be able to encourage someone through your words too.

Life is worthwhile if we try

In life you do not give up, you do not stay wherever you are and wait for your judgment. You must do something to improve your situation. This is not any different from words. You cannot give up because your words are not encouraging and no one seems to like everything that comes out of your mouth. You must fight. Try again and again and again until you make it. They say winners never quit, and if they quit, they have won. Therefore, with words, for you to be able to strengthen someone or even yourself, try as many times as possible.

Life is worthwhile when we are selective

If you want to go far in life, have goals. Select them one by one. Have priorities and you will know what you want. In the case of words, it is the same. If you want encouraging words, esteem strengthening words, be selective. You cannot just go out there and say everything that pops up in your mind. Choose what to say every time. Words are as if the lamp is shown direction. If you cannot select them carefully, you might not just get enough light to light your path.

The “Ifs’’ of life will help you improve and know how to use your words to encourage others and even yourself. Each time we speak, we should always put in mind that words once said they never are forgotten even if they can be forgiven.  Sometimes we may not even want to say some words but our tongues are like beasts that are constantly trying to get out their cages, it is only that if we let some beasts out that they will cause grief to us and to everyone else listening to us.

The tongue has no bones but it can break so many hearts including yours. We should put in mind that each time we speak; one kind word can change someone’s whole day or even life. There are other fragile minds that just need encouragement and kindness. They need someone to utter kind words to encourage them or uplift their self-esteem. As a speaker, your words should be able to do this.  The echoes of kind words are longer and stronger. They are soothing, encouraging and strengthening to anyone. They should be kind enough to change someone’s life and days positively.

The words we say to people and to ourselves change our worlds and their world completely. They are like seeds that do not just land anywhere but in the hearts. We have to be careful what we planting by the words we say because we might just one day eat the produce of what we planted. We have seen political instabilities in countries, wars in those countries, the leaders and citizens of those countries just need some words of encouragement, words that will lift their confidence to keep on hoping for better, but if we go there and plant different seeds, seeds that are not worthwhile, they will grow in the hearts of those people and they will not only bring problems to them but to you as well.

Always make sure that you do not mix your bad moods with your words. Your bad moods will always influence your words negatively and this will be discouraging to you and your audience. Your bad moods should always be handled separately from your words because moods can be changed with time but you will never get any chance to replace the bad words that you say. Broken bones can always heal faster but wounds that words open will never heal. They will be permanent in your heart and mind and might continue discouraging someone as each day goes by.

If we want to under5stand the power of our thoughts, we, first, have to understand the power of our words. If we understand what words can do to the lives of others rather than encouraging them and strengthening their self-esteem, we would simply decide to be silent forever when it comes to anything that is negative. We always create our own weaknesses and strengths in our thoughts and words. We always have a choice to replace the negative with the positive when we talk to encourage and boost self-esteem.

How Your Words Can Affect Your Life

Words can encourage you, strengthen your self-esteem or discourage you. When you say negative things like ‘’ I cannot, I am a loser, I am a total failure, I will try’’, your subconscious interprets these words because our subconscious interprets what it hears. In the end, our bodies and minds follow the lead of leads. The words we utter act as direction to what we do.

To achieve confidence, influence, connection and other encouraging and strengthening things, start with what you say to the audience each time you stand up to give a speech. Speeches have powers; they start as words and in the end, turns into deeds.

The words you use against yourself hold a lot of power. The power that will give you confidence and the strength to move on or the power to make you feel inadequate and feeble, the power to bring forth opportunities in your life each time you say them or the power to take away those opportunities.

Using negative words in your life will hold you down and you will not be able to rise beyond your reality. Just like a house, we live in words that are the same as a house. The words you will speak to yourself is like your own house. If you do not sweep or clean your house it will become so dirty that no one will want to come near it. If you do not do anything about your negative words, they will continue pressing you down that you will be lost in them. Words like ‘never, am doomed’ will never give you an opportunity to build your skills in anything.

The world looks at you and defines through the words that you use. Your words are your own mirror that gives a reflection of who you are. When you use negative words about yourself, it will be very hard for you to stand up to your challenges and meet your goals. The negative words you say about your self-drives in pessimism, fear, anxiety and so many other dreadful things that in the end shapes your reality. When you use positive words about yourself, this will help you be able to keep on fighting and have a clear sight of your goals and what is required of you.

You should be able to develop positive thinking habits that will help you be able to think positively about yourself. The habits that will help shape your reality into positivity. Below are some habits that will help you be able to embrace the goodness in you and lead to a positive strengthening of your self-esteem.

Spend your time with positive people.

When you spend your time with negative people, their negativity is likely to transfer itself to you. Words are learned by the repetitive strategy so if you hang out with the negatively worded people, they will make you start thinking negatively and you will give out negative words, which will not encourage you. If you spend your time with the positive people, they could be friends, family members, their positivity will transfer to you which will fix your thinking and change the words that come out of your mouth from the draining ones to the strengthening ones.

Be responsible for your behavior.

In life when you encounter problems and difficulties, stand up to them and own them up. Do not go about whining and blaming people for what is happening in your life. Accepting your responsibilities in the problems and difficulties will help you learn from them and be able to prevent them in the future. The experiences you go through while handling these problems are the ones that will help you use the right words to encourage someone, strengthen their self-esteem, and encourage yourself.

Help

Be a contributor to the community. Your contributions through words that encourage are able to also shape your life positively. They will encourage you and lift your self-esteem. If you have ever helped anyone and then received that ‘’thank you’’ word, it elevated your esteem to a different level. It makes you want more ‘’thank you’’ because you feel good. Helping gives you a new view of the world and helps in your positive thinking.

You should read inspirational and positive materials

We have said that positivity or negativity is communicable. It spreads from one person to another. When you read positive materials, you are more likely to fix your thinking into positive thinking. You will be inspired by the positivity of the materials and thus try to think in the same way as the writers of the materials.  The materials will leave you more confident, more motivated and more competent. The positivity influenced by the positive and inspirational materials will help you use good words or positive words about yourself.

Point out and replace the negative thoughts.

To be successful you must make sure that negative thoughts are not hanging above your head like a dark cloud. If the negative thoughts are above, it could rain any time which will not be good for you or your audience. Make sure that you recognize all the negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts. The positive thoughts will help build your self-esteem and confidence.

Consider negativity consequences.

In life, everything we do has consequences. In every speech we make there are consequences. All the words we use against or for ourselves have consequences. Words bring about deeds, so you should think about the consequence of every word. Is it going to encourage you or discourage you? You should understand the consequences if you think negative about yourself and if you think positive about yourself. You will realize that negative thinking will bring a lot of harm to you. After knowing this, it is better that you adjust your thinking band change from negativity to positivity.

Take care of yourself.

Self-care will help you be able to think positively. Getting enough rest, exercising, and eating well helps release and reduce stress. It lightens up your moods and when your moods are good the words you think about yourself are good too. The mental and physical health maintained it would help you think positively about yourself.

Have your own daily gratitude list

Keeping a record of your accomplishments daily will keep your mind positive. It will encourage you to accomplish more good things and this imparts positivity in your words and deeds. This gives you more confidence and encouragement to forge ahead.

Recall your best experiences

By remembering your happy past, it gives you hope and encouragement when talking about yourself or when judging yourself. Your happy past will flashlight of positivity into your thinking and you will realize that things are not as bad as you think. It will make you realize that you can do anything you want to do. You can be able to say the right words about yourself as you want.

Do what you like

Doing what you like gives you a lot of positivity. The words you will use about yourself will be filled with positivity because this is something you really like. It is just like forcing your child to do something they do not like. They will feel hated, they will useless, they will feel hopeless unlike when the child himself decides to do their own things. They will feel so happy and even see themselves as heroes. They will speak positively about themselves and this helps shape their life around themselves and around others.

Controlling your emotions

This is something that most people are not able to master. When you control your emotions, you will be able to measure what you say about you. If you are angry and mood, this does not mean that you are a failure, it only means that you are feeling bad and you will come out of it. If you let, your emotions define your words, your words will define you and the image you will see in the mirror of words will break you more than encourage you.

The habits above will help you think positively about yourself and in the end, will make your words encourage you and strengthen yourself-esteem.

The words that we say can also be of much importance to others by encouraging them and strengthening or improving their confidence in whatever they do. To harness the power of the words we speak to others, we should:

Express gratitude.

Gratitude helps change everything. A magic word makes someone feel complimented, encouraged and confident enough to do something else for you. When you show gratitude through your words to someone, you are improving the thinking of this person and the confidence that he has. He will have the courage to do better than harm.

Offer positivity

Instead of giving a wrong compliment like ‘’you look like a monkey with that makeup’’, offer another positive word. You can simply say, ‘’please let me redo your makeup, this one does not suit you well’’. All the statements hold the same meaning, but the words in the first statement are negative and damaging. They are discouraging and may make someone hate themselves forever, while the words in the second statement are encouraging, they strengthen someone’s confidence and makes them feel that a change of the makeup is better. The words maintain positivity, which is good.

Do not participate in negativity.

When you participate in negativity, the words that will come out of your mouth will be negative and their aim will be to disco rage, cause stress and other emotional tortures. These words will drain someone of confidence and they will not want to listen to you again or if they do, they will feel lost and stuck in their own realities that will make their lives useless.

Be constructive

Construct something that will help strengthen someone’s self-esteem and not bring it down. Let your words be constructive in a way that they will encourage someone and not discourage them. Words have more power than the most fearful bombs so you have to be very careful and constructive while using them to be able to achieve your goals of encouragement.

You Should Offer Compliments to Others

Your words of compliments encourage people. Any compliment offered to drive all the way to the mind and to the heart. When someone is complimented, his confidence kicks in and he is able to positively do other good things that will shape his life the life of others. Each time you offer a compliment by your words, just know that you are touching hearts and mind minds of more than just the audience. As much as a bad word is like a wildfire, a good word lasts and builds. On a morning at the office, just complimenting someone’s good dressing is enough to put a smile on the face of that person. Maybe that person had a rough night or morning, but you have been able to encourage him to push through the day by complimenting him. Your compliment to him is like holding his hand when he was stuck, pulling him up and telling him, you can do it.

Summarily, the words we speak to ourselves and others either encourage us or discourages us. We can always increase or decrease our own happiness by choosing to speak the right words to ourselves. We can upset others or ourselves by also speaking unnecessarily about things that hurt us or have hurt us.

When you speak optimism to yourself or another person, optimism follows, you band him or her. If you speak negative things, negativity follows you. The interpretation of our reality is in our words, so if you use your words without knowing the impact, they will create a reality that you may not like or others may not like and will end up bringing harm.

Habits that help your positive thinking helps you get the right words to use. Words that boost confidence, words that strengthen the self-esteem of others, words that encourage others are all gotten from the habits we have. When our habits portray a lot of negativity, our words will mostly be negative, positive habits will give positive encouraging words.

Words may seem so small and tinny but what they do in our lives is wondrous, so be careful when speaking, think first before you speak. You might be discouraging rather than encouraging.

Chapter 14: Words Shape the Beliefs, Values, and Destiny of a Person

Language is something we learn from the environment in which we live and varies according to location, culture, and religion.

The words we use to interpret our reality. This means our reality is what constitutes our beliefs, our values, and our destiny. Words used when speaking form, a language pattern, which is a means of communication. The language we speak influences how we see the world. How we look at the world, how we see things is the manifestation of the words that we use in our languages. The principle of linguistic relativity states that the language people use to describe or discuss the world directly influences the way people think about the world. Every time we use words, we have to be careful because they hold our destinies and not just that but words can hurt just as much as any physical pain inflicted on you by someone.

A word that you use in your daily life is able to shape the way you think or the way you judge life. The words can shape your values. The values of a person are motivated by actions or attitudes. The words you use are also motivated by actions or attitudes. The actions you take when speaking are very important in your speech. If you feel that you have gone wrong or your words have been misquoted, it is better to take an action and own up the responsibility of clearing up the confusion.

The values we uphold in life are always described by the words we use. Good values that bring about positivity and prosperity in people’s lives are shaped by the words we say or write. If we write or speak positivity, that will be a stepping stone of our values. The negativity in the values is also shaped by the words we speak. If you speak negativity, you are planting it and anything that is planted where there are favoring conditions must grow. The negativity will grow and shape our values in that manner. Our attitude as a value contributes to everything in our lives.

The attitude we develop will always come from the words we say to ourselves or the words that we are told by others. Since the words said are an expression of our realities, attitude as a value is shaped by this world and it either contributes negatively or positively to our realities.  The attitude value that the shape of the word is able to shape our destinies. One's destinies can be determined by the attitude he has. If words shape values, those values will help the words shape our destinies.

The words and language we use to describe our experiences whether bad or good, holds a lot of power in shaping our view of the world. The words we use help us express our values and our ideas. They help us be able to refer to our attitudes and they end up shaping our behaviors. When our behaviors are shaped, our beliefs are shaped too by these very words. For example, when you tell your child every day that he is so dumb and failure, each time he sits he will remember these words and he will behave in a dump way and also in a way that failures behave. You will find that this child will believe within no time that he is not good at anything because you as a parent told him so. He will not be able to accomplish anything because he believes that he does not know anything and he will fail because he is a failure.

The greater good of something that you believe in is always shaped by the words you tell yourself and believe. Our own destinies are determined or shaped by our very own words. Since words interpret our realities, our realities can interpret our destinies. What we think of or do is all because of words. When we want to do something, we cannot do that thing without using words to describe or interpret what we want to do. If we want to communicate to our audience more effectively, we must use words. Even graphical communications will need words to be well understood.

What other think of you can only be described through words?  If others think that you are good, intelligent, beautiful, all these can only be done through words. Look at the sign language, with all the beauty it holds, if you know sign language and someone tells you in sign language that you are beautiful, it won’t feel as good as when someone used words to describe how beautiful you are. You will want to hear every single detail of how beautiful you are and this cannot be achieved in any other means rather than in words.

What we tell ourselves, we do so through words. When we talk to ourselves, whether negatively or positively we are only able to do so through the words we use. If you want to tell yourself that you are a conqueror, you are only able to do that through words. The word conquer is a word that will help you reach your destiny. It shapes the destiny you will go through your thinking.

How we remember those that we loved so much and died or left us can only be done through words. Our experiences, grievances, fears, anxiety, pain is only achieved through words. Someone is able to know that you are grieving or you are happy through words. Your way of speaking is expressed by the words, which interpret the reality of the moment.

How we explain our future, we are only able to so by use of the words. Our futures are our destinies. These destinies are shaped by the words we speak. When explaining to someone how you want to settle in a certain country in the future, how you want to buy a certain model of a car within a certain time, all these are done through words. Nobody will understand how your future is planned if you simply keep quiet and look at them, It is either you write it down or speak it out from your mouth for one to know, and all these will be done by the use of words.

We imagine the perfection of things and use our words to explain this perfection. We bring it out and so lively that it is the only reality we have and see. When someone says she carries the epitome of beauty. The word epitome is the perfect word, but when the words epitome beauty falls in your ears than in your mind, you will see a reality in the phrase and you will make it real.

How we describe our feelings, how we make someone smile, how we speak to our souls to heal, how we describe our dreams, all these and many others must have words attached to them so that they can make sense and bring upon reality. Do you think anything would have existed if words did not exist at all? No. Nothing will exist without words. Destinies will not be shared without words. Values will not be shaped without words and cultures will not even dare exist without the words. The words are the only intervention that gives us humans our sense of immortality. Words are the only powerful tools in human life that will determine your existence and destiny.

Language patterns are formed by words we speak. It is like a mother giving birth to a child. The words are the mother and the language is the child. There are various languages that people speak around the globe. There are different language variations and these languages can influence the beliefs, behaviors, values, thinking, and culture of people. The language variation is the characteristic of the language. There are so many ways of saying some things in different ways but maintaining the meaning of the things you are talking about. Some things like pronunciation in languages can vary, word choices can vary and grammar too can vary but the meanings of the words are maintained.

Languages can be learned from different environments, which we live in but they can vary according to location, culture, and religion.

The Causes of Difference in languages

Settlement patterns

Where we settle or live determines the language we speak.  The density of the population will determine the language we speak. There is a saying that says when you go to roam, you do what the Romans do. It is not by force you speak the language of someone else, but you will find yourself speaking the language the majority of the people are speaking for ease of communication. For example, the African Americans in Chicago, if you listen to their English language are different from the other Americans' English. They speak like they are singing without minding punctuations at all. Their sentences are sometimes longer than the time you can use to hold your breath. This does not mean their language changes the meanings of a word, it only means their pronunciations and grammar is different but the meaning of the words is maintained.  Any person that goes to live in Chicago, within no time will be speaking this type of English so that he can be able to communicate easily and fit in. This kind of language is brought about by the settlement patterns.

The Migration routes

When people migrate from one place to another, a boundary of the dialect is developed and set. No other language crosses the boundary to come in. The set boundaries are to enable maintain the language the people speaking it from vanishing or mixing with another language that they cannot understand.

Language contact

This happens when during migration, people interact with different other peoples with different languages and in the process, they borrow vocabularies, pronunciation, and grammar or syntax from their languages. As a result, a language is formed due to language contact.

Geographical factors

Some languages come about because of the geography of the location of the people. Rivers, lakes, and mountains affect the movement of people hence they end up settling for one language that makes sense to all of them since the geographical factors tend to isolate them from other speakers. For example, in Africa, there is a group of people that were divided by the mountains and they called themselves the highland nilotes. All the highland nilotes speak one language in a country called Kenya in the eastern part of Africa from the other group of nilotes, the plain nilotes, and the river lake nilotes because they were separated from other speakers and could only master one language. Therefore, geographical factors cause differences in the language.

The region and occupation of people

The people in rural areas are more likely to speak a language that is outdated than the people living in urban areas. The people in the urban areas are exposed to the diversity of so many other languages while the people of the rural area only have one language that they can communicate with. This makes it a more reason of language variation.

The linguistic process

The new developments and improvement in the pronunciation and simplification of the grammar of languages give language a difference and these results in the difference in the language people speak. When the grammar is the change for simplification purposes, it changes how the words sound even though the meaning is maintained. For example, the pronunciation of the words ‘’chips and fries’’ is different, even the grammar in it is different but the meaning is the same. These are Irish potatoes chopped and deep-fried in the cooking oil to give them a crunchy taste when you eat them. The development of the word chips brought about fries, and that contributed to the difference in the language.

Group -reference

Different groups of people speak different languages. Groups could be an ethnic group, a nation, age gender and even the origin of the ancestors. Different ethnic groups speak different languages that make them understand each other. Different nations have national languages or language that is different or might be same as another nation that they share some things. Age groups and age sets have their own languages. Every age has its own language. To some ages, languages are like fashions, they speak a certain language only during that age bracket but when they move to another age, they drop the language and move along with the one in the age bracket they have moved in.

Each human gender has its own language just like there is grammatical gender. A certain gender is described by the language it uses or is used against them. For example, the word ‘’bitch’’ is an irritating word yes, it is normally used to refer to females provocatively. At no time whatsoever can this word be used to mean a man. While the word ”men’’, is mostly used by African Americans to mean friend or male friend. A sentence, ‘’I have missed you, men’’. This sentence means that he has missed his friend. The word men can never be used to refer to a woman at any time.

Social class

The cause of the difference in languages can be due to the difference in the social class. Different social classes speak different languages that reflect the education of the speakers and their level of income. A class of lawyers will speak their own language that they can understand as well as a group of doctors can speak their own language that is understandable to them only during their talks. Therefore, the difference in the social class is a cause of the difference in the languages.

Language and Culture

The values, beliefs, attitudes and behavioral conventions shared by a certain or specific group are what we call culture. Language and culture share a big connection. The patterns in the languages we speak give culture disposition and priorities. We cannot interact with another language without interacting with its culture. When you learn a new language, it is not all about learning its alphabets, grammar or word arrangement, it goes deeper this. You have to learn the specific society’s customs and culture.

There are different cultures that have more words that mean one word. Aboriginal groups like the Pormpuraaw on the western edge of Cape York in Australia have different words that mean one word. They do not use words like left, right or center. They rely on obsolete directions for space. They keep track of where they are going or coming from or are settled even in the most unfamiliar places. The Pormpuraaw uses words like east, west, south, and north. Quite confusing, right? Yea it is. They maintain the obsoleteness for space. If you asked a person from this group, where the remote controller of the television is, he will answer you by using the direction. His answer could be, ‘’the remote is on your southwest’’.

Different languages spoken by different people around the world changes how people interact with each other. There are people that are bilingual and it is believed that their thinking is different especially when they switch from one language to another. Languages just like their parent words are learned and when trying to learn a language, always bear in mind that it is very important that the culture from which you are learning that language be referenced.

When learning the languages in different cultures you will need paralanguage. Paralanguage will help transmit messages in different languages because human communication is very complicated. When you are raised in a certain society, you will automatically learn about the tones, the gestures, the glances and other communication tools that will help you put emphasis on what you are putting across.

Observation and imitating people that are close to you mostly learn these communication strategies of culture. They could be close relatives and family members then, later on, you will start learning from people that are away from your close relative. The immigrants are more likely to get difficulty in picking languages in the places they have moved to than their little children because;

The language humans speak is instinctive. Every language spoken in any culture has instincts attached to it. The older immigrants have their instincts attached to their languages from their cultures and it is very hard for them to learn a new language, unlike their children.

The language we speak is an adaptation of where we come from and evolutional. Languages just like cultures evolve. The mature immigrant’s languages already evolved through their culture that is why they are finding it difficult to master the new language unlike their little children, their language is still evolving and can pick any language during their evolution of languages.

Image: words destroy self and others

The languages we speak are characteristics of science and human nature should be understood first. Understanding your nature includes understanding your culture. The immigrants will find it hard to learn the language faster because it is not in their culture. The nature of the language is different from what they know; unlike the children who will simply adapt to nature and are able to learn the language very fast.

The language we speak was developed together by the culture. These two being intertwined they influenced each other. Alfred L Kroeber, a cultural anthropologist said that ‘’culture started when speech was available and from that beginning, the enrichment of either one led to the other to develop much further. This means without language, culture would not be there and also, culture is the consequence of the interactions of every human being and the acts of the humans' communication are just their cultural manifestations within a specific community. All the set attributes of any culture are expressed through the language.

LANGUAGE AND CULTURE

The different religions in the world just like languages evolve. The language spoken in different religions differs from each other. When you must acquire religion, then it involves learning some new vocabulary and grammar. For example, some religions like the Quakers use the word ‘’thee’’ and other Christians use the words like to believe ‘’on ‘’Jesus instead of to believe’’ in ‘’Jesus such language patterns have psychological effects on the speaker which in the end limits his thoughts.

In religions, there are different sacred languages that are used. For instance, Islam used Arabic, the Hebrews uses Judaism, and Buddhism uses Pali. Different languages are accorded to every different religion basing on their beliefs and values. The languages used by these religions have seen ages. They are archaic and remote but their remoteness is a symbol of strength and not weakness. When anyone tries to bring these remote languages up to date, it will result in the loss of faith.

The universal features in different religions provide the grammatical similarities among the languages. These results in the languages in the religions become parallel. In Christianity, there is the religion is parallel in that there are Catholicism and Protestantism. The Catholics are moiré devoted to the Virgin Mary and feel that Protestants are not, which is true, there is no single devotion to Mary in the protests because they only believe she was a vessel and devotion is accorded to her.

In Buddhism, there is a difference between Mahayana and Theravada. Theravada is unemotional while Mahayana is not. The Muslims, there are differences in the tones of Sunni and Shia.

Conclusively, the words that we speak to ourselves and to other people can always shape beliefs, values cultures or destinies. One's value is determined by the words he puts in in his mind. Your destiny is also determined by words. What you say, what you think, how you express your experiences, how you plan your future is all done by the words. Our beliefs and cultures are determined by our words and we should always be careful when using words because they can shape you the way they are being used.

We have looked at languages. It is important to understand that languages derive from words. The language patterns we use come from the words we utter. Different cultures and religions uphold different languages hence language variation. The language variations are caused by a variety of things discussed above. The languages we speak can be learned and the mastery of any language depends on the age of a person. Children are more likely to master languages faster than older people are.

Languages we use to influence different, religions, cultures, beliefs, values like attitude, behavior and even the thinking of a person. The effects of language on a person’s attitude show how the person views the world. The words used in languages are able to reference the attitude of someone and shape the behavior of that person.

Chapter 15: Conversation: Developing Empathy by Improving Conversational Skills

Just about everyone engages in various forms of communication on a day-to-day basis. One of the most common forms of communication is through conversation. Conversation can be face to face in which the person you are able to see the person you are talking to. Similarly, conversation might also be in the form of online conversation whereby you talk to another person through various digital platforms. Despite the prevalence of conversation as a preferred mode of communication, you might end up feeling misunderstood in a conversation you are having with someone else. Similarly, the people you talk to might also feel the same way about you. This feeling can be attributed to a lack of empathetic communication.

Empathetic communication can be defined as communication that seeks to enhance empathy through conversation. Empathy in this context refers to your ability to adequately understand other people, their point of views and the idea that they are trying to put across. Ultimately, empathetic communication seeks to make it much easier for you to really understand what the person next to you is saying. You, therefore, end up being a good communicator by doing so.

Learn to listen

There are several ways through which you can develop empathy by enhancing your conversation skills with one such approach being improved listening. Many people are very good at talking but quite poor when it comes to listening. You might find that you always want to insist on having your say in a conversation but at the same time, you are not really interested in what others have to say. This is because you are a poor listener. Similarly, it is also common to appear to be listening to someone else but you are not really listening to them. If you cannot really listen to someone, then you might not be able to know exactly how they feel about the issue at hand and where exactly they are coming from.

Being a good listener is a great conversational skill that can enhance deeper understanding hence empathy. First and foremost, you will be able to hear everything that the other person has to say and their position on an issue. Enhanced listening can also enable you take notice of important aspects such as the tone of voice of the person you are having a conversation with. The tone of voice can tell you a lot about how exactly the other person feels about an issue. For instance, someone might agree to something but with a resigned tone of voice. Such a person might, therefore, agree to your idea because they feel obliged to do so. Ultimately, learning to listen more will significantly enhance your conversation skills and make you more empathetic towards others.

Do not be a selective listener

When it comes to listening, there are people who engage in what is referred to as selective listening. Selective listening refers to an activity in which you mainly end up choosing what you want to hear and not listening to everything that the other person has to say. Selective listening can be attributed to some inherent fears that a person might have regarding a particular topic and thus, they might not be open to the idea of openly discussing such a topic. Selective listening is a major hindrance when it comes to empathetic communication since you do not get to listen to everything that the other person has to say. The overall implication is that you will not be able to fully understand the concerns, the fears and the perspective that the other person has on an issue.

On the contrary, when you are able to do away with selective listening in your conversations, you will be in a better position to understand another person. You will be able to really put yourself in their position, appreciate their concerns, fears, life goals and objectives. This will improve your overall interaction with them.

Do not be prejudiced

Prejudice refers to beliefs that you might be having regarding other people or groups of people. For instance, that all Muslims are intolerant. Prejudices are most often than not regarded as pure misconceptions and they can significantly distort empathetic communication. When you are engaged in a conversation with other people and you have already made up your mind who they are, then you might not be able to see things from their perspective. They will, therefore, end up feeling misunderstood thus negating the very essence of empathetic communication.

Eliminating various forms of prejudice is a vital conversation skill that can go a long way in improving your capacity to empathize with others. You will not allow any false beliefs or misconceptions inform on your opinion of other people. Instead, you will listen to the, and come up with an informed opinion about who they are and what their aspirations might be. Such people will end up feeling that you have understood them and this will make you an empathetic communicator.

Importance of empathetic communication

You might have gone through all the aforementioned ways of improving your empathetic conversation skills but still wondering, what is the importance of empathetic communication? First and foremost, empathetic conversational skills improve your understanding of the person you are having a conversation with. A good understanding of other people is very important when it comes to your day-to-day interaction with them. This is because you will be able to get to know their sensitivities and thus have a good idea of what to say and what not to say while interacting with them.

Secondly, empathetic conversation and communication, in general, can also make you a much better person. You will be able to be a better friend, colleague or even spouse when you constantly engage in empathetic conversation. This is because; enhanced understanding of other people will make you know their needs and aspirations in life. You will thus be in better position to contribute in your little way towards the realization of such needs and aspirations hence making you a better human being.

Connection with other people is an inherent human need. No one wants to lead a lonely life but this might happen if you cannot connect with others. Empathetic conversation will enable you to connect very well with the people around you and you will end up making friends from all walks of life. This implies that your life will generally be enhanced since other people will be more than willing to be around you and interact with you on a daily basis since they feel that you are able to really connect with them.

How to go about developing empathetic conversation

It is very important to know how to go about developing empathetic conversation skills. Generally, you should start with the process by enhancing the conversation that you have with those around you.  It is important to connect well with those around you before you can extend the same to others. Start by listening more to your family members, your friends, and colleagues at work. Workplaces are more diverse than ever nowadays and this implies that you should not be influenced by any prejudices about some of your colleagues at work and their socio-cultural backgrounds.  By doing so, you will be able to create a better pool of inner circle members who you can easily connect with.

In addition to improving the conversations that you have with those close to you, it is also important to improve the same when it comes to other people including strangers and groups. Try not to judge a person when you first encounter them. In case, you are interacting with a group of people from a specific community say Asians or Arabs, try not to allow any prejudices to crop into your mind while interacting with them. This is because; such prejudice will undermine your perception of them hence undermining the whole conversational process.  All in all, improved empathetic communication at the communal level will make you a better member of society. This distinction can also come in handy in case you try to ascend to any leadership role in the community since many people would be willing to have people in authority who they can easily connect with.

To sum it all up, empathetic conversation refers to a conversation in which one is able to really understand the other person. There are various ways through which you can develop this essential conversation skills and it includes listening more to other people and what it is that they are saying. Furthermore, you should avoid selective listening since you will not be able to fully understand the perspective of the other person if you do this.  As an empathetic communicator, you should also shun away from prejudice since they will undermine your capacity to understand others. Ultimately, as an empathetic communicator, you will be able to better understand others, attract other people into your life and become a better person. Finally, in order to develop your empathetic communication skills, you should first and foremost start with those around you before moving onto strangers and larger groups of people.

Chapter 16: Be Interesting: Develop the Skills Of Great Successful People

Each and every person wants to be successful at one point or the other in their lives. However, many people do not simply know how to go about attaining success. There are many drags to riches stories out there but some of them fail to capture the essence of what one needs in order to be successful. Of course, there are the obvious things that many successful people would be more than willing to point out including the fact that you should be a hard-working individual, stay focused on your dreams, letting your money work for you among others. But the truth of the matter is, your personality can go a long way in making you a success story. Simply put, the way other people perceive you can make or break your dreams. This is because; it is the people around you who will be the driving force towards your success. For instance, if you are businessman, your customers will be the key to your success. If you are a lawyer, accountant or real estate agent, your clients will be the key to your success.

One of the ways through which you can enhance your chances of attaining success is simply by being interesting. When you are an interesting person, other people would be more than willing to listen to and literally, buy into your ideas. At this point you are probably asking yourself; how do I go about being an interesting person? Do not worry, the next few paragraphs will be dedicated to answering that question.

Make others feel like they know you

We are unique in one way or the other and this implies that we all have the potential to be interesting. The main mistake is that many people make is fear letting other people know them since they think they will be misjudged. However, in order for people to find you interesting, you have to make them feel like they really know you. Obviously, you should not be an open book and reveal all your dirty little secrets to the whole world. Instead, you should allow others to know something or even several things about you that portray you in a positive light.

One of the most reliable ways that has worked for many successful people is by sharing an interesting story about yourself. The story should capture the essence of some of the values that you espouse such as hard work, resilience and even your love for humanity. For instance, you can say something about how you were brought up in a poor background where you lacked access to a square meal day in row but still managed to reach where you are.  Having a background story about yourself and one that is actually interesting will make other people find you interesting and willing to be around you and work with you. However, as much as you need to make the story interesting, you should always avoid giving in to the temptation of lying. With all the technology around, one can easily dig into your past and if they find out that you are a liar, then you can kiss goodbye any dreams you ever had of being successful.

Have several interesting stories about other people

Everyone loves a story. There are millions of interesting positive stories out there that might not necessarily be in the public domain. In addition to telling other people an interesting background story about yourself, you can also make a habit of sharing the stories of other people. Find one that you know will captivate the attention of others and one that has not been popularly shared in the public domain. This is because not many people will have the time and patience for a story that they already know.

Just like is the case with your background story, the story that you select should one that seeks to promote values that you want to be identified with. Sharing interesting stories about others will make you interesting as well. This will make it easy for you to attract the attention of other people, sell your ideas to them and even easily convince them to buy into your ideas.

Develop new skills

Having a set of skills especially those that people might not ordinarily associate you with can go a long way in making you more interesting. For instance, you might be the manager of a company but one day, you reveal your high-level culinary skills during a team-building retreat. Your colleagues at work will really find this interesting and they might even be willing to invest their time and money in developing similar skills.

Furthermore, having a set of skills that are relevant makes you a reliable person who others to those around you. Skills such as plumbing, web design and even culinary skills will make you the go-to-guy with respect to your colleges, neighbors and family members. Once people are willing to rely on you for solutions and pay you for your time, you will be on your way to becoming a successful human being.

Be open-minded

One way of driving other people away from you is by being a closed-minded kind of person. When you are not open to hearing the opinion of other people and their perspectives on things, then they are most likely to avoid your company since they will not find you interesting enough. On the contrary, when you are an open-minded individual, who is genuinely interested what others have to say, other people will find you interesting and will be willing to be around you and also listen to what you have to say.

Be curious about others

In order to be an interesting person, you must not be self-absorbed. People will find you more attractive if you are curious about their lives. To this end, you should always ask people personal questions that will allow them to tell you more about who they are for example, where they live, their hobbies and their views on certain issues such as religion. If you are able to do this, then you will be a much more interesting person by making people around you feel noticed and appreciated.

Try not to appear to be a know it all

No one likes a person who appears to know everything. People usually prefer the company of someone who is able keen to learn something or two from them. Even if you are the most learned person with several PHDs, the fact of the matter is that you cannot know everything. Even when you are interacting with people who are seemingly not at your status in life, you should always go out of your way to learn something or two from them. So as much as it is important to talk and share your stories, it is equally important to shut up and listen to others as they tell you something that you probably might not know.

Develop a sense of humor

Ultimately, it is almost impossible to be considered an interesting person if you have close to zero sense of humor. People will find you interesting if you are able to appreciate the lighter side of life from time to time. For instance, in case someone cracks a joke and you find it funny; do not hesitate to laugh out loud. But you should also be genuine in your quest to establish a sense of humor, there is nothing more annoying than a fake laugh.

Spend time with people who are interesting

It is very easy to become interesting by spending time with people who are also equally interested. This is because, even if you are not that interesting, the attribute might rub off on you and you might end up becoming a more interesting person in no time. For instance, hang around people who have an optimistic outlook in life, people who are open-minded and people who have a high sense of humor.

All in all, one of the simplest approaches to becoming successful is by making you an interesting person. When people find you interesting, they will be willing to associate with you and even go a step further and invest in you. Several things you can do in order to make you an interesting person including making other people feel like they know you, sharing interesting stories, develop new skills, be open-minded, be curious about other people and even spend more time in the company of other interesting people. If you are able to implement all these suggestions in your day-to-day life, then you will have commenced your journey to becoming a much more interesting person and this will significantly enhance your chances of success in life.

It is also equally important to remember that success does not necessarily mean financial success, but you can also attain success in other areas by applying some of the aforementioned strategies. For instance, you can improve your relationships with your friends, family members and significant other and all these are good examples of success in life.

Chapter 17: The Power of Metaphor

Language is one of the most reliable tools for communicating. Language is particularly vital when it comes to literal communication whereby what is said is what is actually meant. However, there are additional features of language that seek to make it more interesting with one such feature being metaphors. A metaphor is essentially a figure of speech in which the words are used to infer indirect connotations with something else.  The metaphor thus renders deeper meaning to language and serves to make it quite beautiful.

One of the reasons why metaphors are highly preferred is that they create empathy and harmony.  For instance, standing in someone else’s shoes is a metaphor that seeks to create harmony in society. The literal meaning is to try to relate to someone else’s situation. When it comes to metaphors and language use, there are those that are regarded to be quite common in terms of usage. Similarly, there are other metaphors that are also not very popular and it is generally best to avoid them. This article will analyze the role of metaphors in everyday language use and as well as highlighting the most commonly used metaphors and those, that should be avoided.

Metaphors in communication and empathy creation

Clear communication is vital when it comes to your capacity to empathize and understand the situation that another person is going through. Metaphors make it possible to use linguistic tools to enhance the overall clarity of communication. By using these tools, one is able to clearly demonstrate some of the challenges that a person can be going through because of their status or position in society. For instance, ‘a black sheep’ is a metaphor that can be sued to denote a person who is alone in terms of their difference from the rest. The metaphor is quite strong and can be used to elicit empathy since one can relate to this scenario in which you are in a group of people but you are singled out for being different.

Foster understanding

Metaphors can also be used to foster understanding and harmony. There might be various situations that at first glance might seem confusing. However, a good metaphor might render deeper meaning to them thus enhancing understanding. For instance, someone might be faced with a seemingly harsh destiny, for instance, a death row inmate or life sentence convict. At first glance, it seems quite harsh when one is faced with the prospect of imminent death or having to spend the rest of their lives in a confined room. However, an appropriate metaphor such as one who lives by the sword must die by it. This very strong metaphor simply means choices have consequences that are related to them.

Metaphors in an expression of emotion

Metaphors can also be used in the expression of human emotion. Human emotion refers to strong feelings that are times difficult to capture using mere words. For instance, you can say someone is annoyed but this might leave one hanging. One might be left asking themselves questions such as how much annoyed was he? A simple word might, therefore, fail to fully capture the range or extent of the human emotion in question. For this reason, metaphors can also come in handy in explaining the extent of human emotion thus making one to clearly appreciate the nature of the situation. For instance, a good example would be to say someone is on cloud nine. In essence, this is not a practical expression since to put someone in a cloud and specify the number of the cloud is impossible. But nonetheless, this metaphor does a lot in terms of capturing and conveying exactly how the person must have felt. To be in cloud number nine refers to someone being extremely happy and therefore the level of happiness could be quite high this is why they are literally being compared to someone who is up there in the highest cloud possible.

Popular Metaphors and Their Usage

Inspirational metaphors

These are metaphors that seek to inspire others. Inspirational metaphors make one yearn for more in terms of pursuing opportunities and overcoming challenges in life. A person is considered an inspiration to others if they are able to do something that is extra-ordinary. This is because; people will only look up to other people who have been able to rise above their expectations of society.

He is a shining star

This metaphor refers to someone who has performed exceedingly well in a certain area.  A star is considered one of the most attractive heavenly bodies that are capable of standing out from the rest. This is considered a very popular metaphor in everyday language use. It is an expression that denotes excellence and it is also used to encourage people to work extra hard in whatever it is that they do in life. A person who is described as a shining star is therefore considered someone to be admired by others and looked up to as a good example to the rest.

The world is a stage and all people are nothing but players

Sometimes, metaphors can be used to enhance understanding of a phenomenon. These are things that are ordinarily beyond human understanding but they can be explained away using these unique language tools. For instance, ‘the world is stage and all people are merely players’ is a metaphor by renowned writer William Shakespeare. The world or global society as we know it today is perhaps one of the most complex eco-systems to ever exist.  No amount of words can effectively define the world, which comprises of millions of living organisms, physical features, and synthetic artifacts. To this end, the author used a simple but effective metaphor to describe the world as a stage which is a description that adequately covers the world and everything that is in it. In this context, the metaphor uses a very simple definition to describe a very complex subject and thus makes it easy for just about anyone to understand what it is being described.

To be a high flyer

A high flyer is a metaphor that describes a high potential individual. This is someone who is likely to enjoy an elevated status in society on account of their academic or corporate achievements. For this reason, a high flyer is usually seen as someone who can go beyond the skies and realize goals and objectives that might be out of reach for an otherwise normal person in society.

Empathy – To be in another person’s shoe

Various metaphors can also be used to relate to the manner in which another person might be feeling. As earlier stated, metaphors can also be used to elicit the feelings of empathy and compassion towards others. It is important for anyone to have a good understanding of some of the issues that affect other people in order to arrive at a common ground.  To be in another person’s shoes is a metaphor that enhances empathy and seeks to encourage people to have an open mind and see things from the perspective of others.

Lifestyle metaphors

People are unique and this uniqueness extends to the lifestyles they choose to lead. Lifestyle metaphors appreciate present the uniqueness of other people while at the same time highlighting some of the challenges that they might be facing.

Y ou are nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time

Some of the most popular metaphors owe their status to the popularity of the people who first came up with these figures of speech. Popular culture is a term that refers to a system of organizing society around icons that act as trendsetters. Popular culture also lends itself to metaphors whereby some of the metaphors in use today are considered part and parcel of popular culture. One such metaphor is ‘nothing the hound dog, crying all the time’. This metaphor is actually a title to a song by Elvis Presley, considered one of the most successful musicians of all time. The metaphor is used to describe a person who comes out as needy and a handful to deal with. Such a person, therefore, needs a lot of attention and this might a toll on anyone associated with them.

He is a couch potato

A couch potato is also another metaphor that has a negative connotation. Generally, this metaphor refers to a person who is regarded as lazy. A couch is a comfortable seta that is used for resting. Being a couch potato is thus someone who spends a lot of time sitting down and not doing anything particularly useful. Laziness is considered a negative attribute and when you refer to someone as a couch potato, then might take it as an insult. However, such a metaphor can only be used in you want to evoke a strong reaction on the part of the individual in question and encourage them to appropriate adjustments to their lifestyles.

Chaos is a friend of mine

People lead different lifestyles according to their situation. There are people who might lead peaceful lives while others lead lives that are considered more conventional. ‘Chaos is a friend of mine’ is a metaphor that was first used by English Rock Star artist Bob Dylan. Like a Rock Star, he leads a lifestyle that entailed many activities and this metaphor sought to highlight this lifestyle. ‘Chaos is a Friend of Mine’ is a metaphor that makes reference to a person leading such a lifestyle those others might see as confusing and not in line with the lives of ordinary folks.

Love metaphors

Love is considered a special kind of emotion that can evoke strong emotions on the part of many people. Some of these emotions might be positive emotions such as happiness, joy, and contentment. On the other hand, love can also result in negative emotions on the part of the lovebirds with some of the negative emotions being sorrow, sadness, and heartbreak. For these reasons, there are thousands and thousands of metaphors that are specifically meant to address the issue of love and how it affects the lives of many people.  Love metaphors serve to bring out the different perspectives associated with this emotion.

When it comes to love metaphors, most of these metaphors relate to the romantic kind of love. Romantic love is considered a key area of interest because it is the kind of love that elicits the strongest response and emotions on the parties involved. Furthermore, romantic love is considered a mixed bag in terms of experiences. This is because they are many people who have had an experience that is deemed positive with respect to romantic love. Equally, there are as many people who have experienced negative emotions occasioned by this kind of love.

Love is fire

‘ Love is a fire’ is a good example of a love metaphor that clearly seeks to adequately describe the emotion that is associated with being in love. A person who is deeply in love is likely to experience intense feelings and emotions and it is this intensity that has seen love being compared with fire.

Love is journey

‘Love is a journey’ is also another love metaphor whose usage seeks to enhance an understanding of the overall experience associated with love. A journey is an event that takes a considerable amount of time to accomplish. Furthermore, a journey might involve different stages from the start to the end. In comparison, true love is seen as something that does not develop in a spontaneous fashion; instead, it involves different stages at different points in the lives of those involved. Being in love also entails going through a myriad of experiences and it is such experiences that make up the entire journey that is love.

Love is a garden

‘Love is a garden’ is another love metaphor that seeks to capture the essence of strong emotion. In a practical sense, issues to do with love are complicated and must be accorded the attention that they deserve. This is the reason why love is compared to a garden. A garden must be tended to in order for the flowers in it to flourish. Equally, a relationship between two people in love should entail; both parties taking their time and attending to the needs of the other person in order for their relationship to succeed. This is indeed the reason why love is compared to a garden since, in order for it to flourish, it must be attended to.

Love is a flower

Love is a flower is deemed to be a pessimistic outlook with respect to the strong emotion that is love. This is because a flower is most often than not considering a very delicate plant that flourishes and becomes beautiful over a short period but then dies off soon afterward. Equally, they are those people who think that love and romantic love for that matter, is an emotion that is strongly experienced during the initial stages of a relationship but fades soon afterward.

Love is a battlefield

The final love metaphor of love is ‘love is a battlefield’. ‘Love is a battlefield’ is an equally pessimistic metaphor when it comes to its perspective on the strong emotion that is love. In this context, love is being compared to a place, scenario or situation that is inherently uncomfortable. A battlefield is a place in which people are fighting or engaging in one form of conflict or the other. The metaphor, therefore, sees love as something that can bring many conflicts in the lives of those involved. The role of the parties to the relationship is to constantly address such conflicts hence the comparison to a battlefield.

Unpopular metaphors

There are metaphors that are considered unpopular with respect to their usage. The reason why such metaphors are unpopular is that they might offend someone of a specific category of people.  For instance, some of these linguistic tools might have racist connotations while others are designed to offend the specific individual that they refer to. The usage of unpopular metaphors might be very controversial and for this reason, they are not generally preferred.

Black or grey metaphors versus white or light metaphors

One of the most controversial topics today is racism. Racism refers to the practice of undermining other people based on their racial heritage. Most often, their light-skinned counterparts have discriminated against dark skin people. For instance, African Americans were brought into the United States as slaves to work in white-owned farms and estates. Furthermore, colored skinned people such as Mexicans continue to be discriminated against in predominantly white societies and this is a good example of present-day racism. A racist mindset is one of the advocates that their own race is somehow superior as compared to the races of other people.

The issue of racism is also quite evident when it comes to metaphors and their usage. This is particularly the case when it comes to people's black metaphors versus white ones. In general, black metaphors are used to depict something that is bad and negative in society. On the contrary, while metaphors are meant to depict something that is good or accepted in society.

The black sheep of the family

The black sheep of the family is another metaphor with negative connotations. Ideally, this metaphor refers to someone or who is uniquely different from the rest. In the real-life scenario, being different can relate to both the positive and negative sense.  However, referring to someone as the ‘black sheep of the family’ is mainly meant to portray them in a negative sense. This, therefore, implies that a person who is referred to in such a manner is not really a good person in terms of their character. Similarly, such a person might have deficiencies that make them naturally unattractive to others hence the connotation ‘black sheep’. The ‘black sheep of the family’ is, therefore, a metaphor that should not be regularly used unless in unique situations that call for such reference.

Black market

A ‘black market’ is also another metaphor that might have racist connotations. This metaphor refers to a marketplace that is unsanctioned. In many cases, the black-market is described as a market where illegal and contraband goods are traded. Sometimes, the ‘black-market’ is the market where people go for products such as hard drugs such as cocaine and heroin. The racist association can be underscored by the fact that ‘blacks’ is also a term that is generally used to refer to African American people.

Gray area

‘Gray area’ refers to an area that presents an element of confusion when it comes to ordinary usage. A gray area is not really meant to be a good thing since people like to have an understanding of the issue that they are addressing. As a color, gray is the darker shade that is quite close to black and some might perceive the metaphor gray area as a metaphor that uses color to depict an unwanted and unfavorable situation that one might find themselves in.

Light at the end of the tunnel

On the contrary white or bright metaphors most often than are used to depict something positive. One such metaphor is ‘light at the end of the tunnel’. This metaphor represents some degree of hope when it comes to its normal everyday usage. When someone says that there is ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ implies that they expect that something positive is going to happen notwithstanding the difficult situation that they might be currently facing.

White elephant

A white elephant is also another color-related metaphor that might be interpreted as racist. However, this metaphor is quite different from the aforementioned examples since it uses the color white as opposed to black. This implies that ‘white’ people might also have some sensitivities when it comes to metaphor usage since a ‘white elephant’ depicts an undertaking that is negative and one that has no benefit to the society.

Dead metaphors

Dead metaphors also generally fall under the category of unpopular metaphors. Precisely, these are metaphors that might not have a semantic rendition within the context of the present-day world since their usage is considered outdated.

Raining cats and dogs

When it comes to metaphors, one can also make reference to a special category of metaphors referred to as dead metaphors. As the name suggests, this is a group of metaphors that are no longer effective in terms of their capacity to relate to a context that they were originally meant to relate to.  The existence of dead metaphors implies that as a figure of speech, metaphors relate to everyday life and experiences. They can only be effective if they are relatable within the context of the people using them. Some of the examples that are considered dead metaphors include ‘raining cats and dogs’ and ‘a heart of gold’. Furthermore, when metaphors have not been in use for so long, they might end up falling under the category of dead metaphors.

To kick the bucket

To kick the bucket is another dead metaphor that literally means to die. When it comes to death, several other metaphors are generally preferred such as to ‘pass on’ to ‘meet one’s demise.’ The reason why such a metaphor is not preferred is that many people might not really understand the connection between kicking a bucket and death thus rendering the expression unpopular.

Conclusion

To sum it all up, metaphors can be described as figures of speech or linguistic tools that entail one object that is used to refer to another one or an activity. There are various reasons why metaphors are considered essential linguistic tools. They serve to create empathy on the part of the listener. A metaphor can make you relate to the situation that is being described. These linguistic tools also play a key role in enhancing understanding of the issue that is being described. Metaphors also make it easy to capture human emotion since it might be very difficult to so suing ordinary words, but unique expressions such as ‘being on cloud nine’ can help you get the job done.

Several metaphors are used in various expressions and communication. Some of the metaphors can be described as popular metaphors since they are mostly preferred over others. Popular metaphors are easily relatable since they can easily be applied in contemporary life scenarios. Some of the popular metaphors include: To be a shining star, to be a high flyer, and to be in another person’s shoe. Some popular metaphors have been used for hundreds of years but are still considered relevant in the present-day scenario. Furthermore, love metaphors such as ‘love isa fire’ are also quite popular.  Similarly, there are also metaphors that are considered unpopular such as Black sheep of the family, black market and white elephant. Such metaphors can be deemed to have racist connotations hence their unpopularity. Finally, dead metaphors that have lost their semantic connotation also fall under the category of unpopular metaphors. A good example of a dead metaphor is the expression of raining cats and dogs.

Chapter 18: Learn To Manage Your Inner Dialogue

Your inner dialogue refers to that internal voice that seems that seeks to tell you what to do and when to do it. The inner dialogue affects how people think and their capacity to differentiate between right and wrong. One of the key differences between an ordinary dialogue and the inner dialogue is the fact that the former is open communication with other people, while the inner dialogue takes place internally either consciously or subconsciously. Furthermore, the inner dialogue is an endless undertaking where you are subconscious or inner vice keeps on talking to you in a more or less non-stop fashion.

There are people who pay a lot of attention to their inner voice while others do not pay as much attention. Nevertheless, it very is important to know how to go about managing your inner dialogue. Managing that voice inside you is very important especially when it comes to ensuring that you have the capacity to manipulate situations in your favor. Sometimes, going with your inner voice might be the logical thing to do but at other times, your inner voice might actually end up guiding you in the wrong direction. Managing that inner voice is, therefore, a delicate process that should be mastered and implemented in a cautious manner.

The main difference between human beings and animals is that human beings are guided by both their primal instinct as well as an inner rational voice. On the other hand, animals only rely on their primal instinct as the basis of their reaction to various situations. One of the reasons why it is important to manage your inner voice is, therefore, to differentiate yourself from other animals. This simply implies that you should learn to make rational decisions in each situation.

How Your Inner Dialogue Can Lead To Overall Happiness

Maintain positive thoughts

Management of your inner dialogue is vital when it comes to determining the quality of life you are able to lead. A good inner dialogue that encourages you to see the world in a positive light will translate to higher levels of satisfaction as well as happiness. In light of this fact, it is very important to ensure that you are able to maintain positive thoughts and try and stay away from thoughts and situations that might undermine your overall well-being. The saying you are what you think is indeed true when it comes to the management of inner dialogue since negative thoughts attract negative outcomes in real life. For instance, if you spend too much time worrying about your financial situation, you might end up in worse state financially. This is because you will spend more of your time thinking about how broke you are as opposed to waking up and actually doing something about it.  In the end, you will end up pilling up more debt and making less money, which will make you unhappy. On the contrary, you can opt to think about how your life is going to be like when you eventually improve your financial situation. This line of thought will compel your inner voice to come up with instructions and guidelines on what you can do in order to improve your situation. In turn, you will end up being much happier and contented with your life.

Focus on the present

Most often than not, your inner voice will tend to focus more on your past or future at the expense of your present situation. For example, a person who was doing very well in the past in terms of their social and economic lives will prefer to ponder about their former glory. Similarly, people will tend to avoid thinking about the present in case they are currently experiencing difficult times and unfavorable situations. Such people would rather spend time focus their inner voice on what they think their future would be like. The harsh reality in life is that your past is gone and your present activities will determine your future. This implies that when you spend too much time thinking about the past, you will be wasting your time since there is nothing you can do about it. You will thus end up feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with your situation. In the same breath, when you spend too much time thinking about your future, you will not have time to focus on your present. This, therefore, implies that you will not be able to do all that you are required to do in order to maximize your current potential. When you fail to attain your full potential in the current sense, then your potential will equally be undermined.

On the contrary, if you spend much your time focusing your inner voice in your current situation, you will be in a better position to improve the same. If you are able to improve your current situation, then you can also safeguard your future. For instance, you might be able to come up with a viable business idea that will see you establish a very profitable venture that will improve your income both in the present and in your future life as well. Similarly, you might be spending too much time thinking about a failed relationship in your past instead of focusing on your present. If you instead spend more time in your present as opposed to your past, you will find a potential mate and you might end up being much happier than you used to be.

Focus on what you have

Your inner dialogue can serve to enhance you or destroy you. When you focus too much time asking yourself many questions about why your neighbor has something that you lack, then you might end up being unhappy. It is a fact of life that at any one given time, there will be people who will be better than you and others worse than you. This implies that if you want to spend your time thinking about what you do not have but others have, you will never experience a shortage of things to ponder about. However, when you look keenly at yourself, you will realize that you are abundantly blessed in both the material and non-material aspects. For instance, you might ask yourself questions and look down upon yourself because you do not drive a fancy car. But if you focus on what you have, you might realize that you have a lot more than that person you think is better off because of the make of their cars. Your friends, family members, and even career are things that you cannot put a price tag but you might often be tempted to overlook.

Focusing on what you have as opposed to what you think you should have, eliminates unnecessary worries and negative emotions such as envy and jealousy. It is also important to note that when you focus on what you have, you can identify ways in which you can apply the resources at your disposal to gain that which you do not have. Ultimately, focusing your inner voice on what you have is the best approach to maintaining a happy life and even achieving much more in life.

Learn to stop the negative internal dialogue

Sometimes, that inner voice might spiral out of control and go on overdrive in an attempt to convince you to make a decision that you know you will end up regretting. This happens occasionally when you come across a situation that is very tempting but one that will nonetheless translate to dire consequences. If this happens, then you owe it upon yourself to take the necessary corrective measures that will ensure that you do not end up regretting it in the future. In case you experience such a scenario, it is best to remind yourself to stop whatever it is that you are doing. In some cases, you might actually have to say this out loud for it to have the desired effect. By talking to yourself and reminding yourself to stop pursuing a dangerous course of action, you are likely to end up redeeming yourself from a situation that would have translated to great sorrow and sadness on your part.

Learn to forgive yourself

No one is perfect and this is certainly so when it comes to your capacity to always make the right decisions with respect to your inner dialogue. There will be times when your inner voice might lead you astray. In such a situation, one of the most important inner dialogue management measures is learning to forgive yourself. There is no sense in being too harsh on yourself on account of a mistake that you made attributed to that inner voice. You insist on beating yourself too much about it, you might end up feeling dejected, sad and lonely. It is important to constantly remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes but the most important thing is to learn from such mistakes. This implies that in case you realize that you have been misguided by that inner voice, the best thing to do is to accept the mistake, forgive yourself and promise yourself to do better next time around. By doing this, you will avert a situation where you end spending too much time regretting what you did and forgetting to think about what you can do in order prevent such an undesirable event occurring in future.

Be aware of the existence of that inner voice

It goes without saying that you cannot manage something that you are not aware of its existence. In order to effectively manage our inner dialogue, you must be aware that it does indeed exist. There are those people who might find it easy to dismiss such an existence and for such people, management of that inner voice will be an issue. They will invariably end up being controlled by the voice inside them.

You can learn the existence of your inner dialogue in several ways. One such method is engaging in a meditation exercise. Meditation is an activity that relaxes the brain making it easy for you to focus on your inner voice. Meditation also enhances overall concertation levels and such deep concentration can be effective in assisting you to make that much-needed connection with your inner dialogue.

A simple meditation exercise might entail simply sitting in a quiet room, switching off your phone and any other thing that might distract you and just allowing your brain to relax without focusing on anything in particular.

Be positive about others

Your inner dialogue is a very important tool when it comes to how you think about not only yourself but also other people. One of the ways through which your inner dialogue can improve your overall quality of life is when you go out of your way to maintain positive thoughts about other people. This is because the manner in which you think about others will have a huge impact on how you relate to them in real life. It is therefore important to keep reminding yourself that most people including your friends and family members are inherently good despite some of the disagreements you might have had with them. Try to focus on the good things that other people did for you and do not spend too much time thinking about the negative ones.

Sometimes, it might even be helpful if you keep reminding yourself telling yourself positive things especially when you are tempted to have negative thoughts about others.  For instance, you can keep reminding yourself that ‘he is a good man’ in case a male friend or colleague of yours has disappointed you. Similarly, you can keep reminding yourself that ‘she is a good kid’ whenever you experience some sort of conflict or the other with your daughter. In both cases, your inner voice will ensure that you are able to maintain positive relationships with friends, family members, and significant others despite the myriad of issues that you might experience with them.

Do not spend too much time thinking about yourself

Many times, your inner dialogue will mainly focus on you as a person. However, you should avoid the temptation to spend endless hours just thinking about yourself. In fact, only self-centered people will spend a lot of time thinking about themselves but very little time thinking about others. Furthermore, it is often said that after all is said and done, people will remember you for what you did for them and not for yourself. Some of the bets celebrated individuals such as Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and President Abraham Lincoln of the United States do not owe their status to what they did for themselves. They are considered exceptional human beings because of what they did for other people.

Your inner dialogue has the potential to make you an exceptional person or turn you into someone who is nothing but ordinary. You do not have to match the achievements of some of the aforementioned global icons, but in your own little way, you can be very exceptional to those around you. In order to this, you must encourage your inner voice to focus your attention on the welfare of others and not just yourself.

The question that you might be asking yourself right about now is, how do I go about to focus my inner voice on others? Well, a first step could be asking yourself several questions that touch on the welfare of the people around you. For instance, in case you notice one of your friends is increasingly becoming withdrawn, you can keep on asking yourself questions to this effect such as, ‘why is Adrianna so sad these days or why does Ryan get easily offended nowadays. By doing this, you will encourage yourself to start thinking about the overall wellbeing of the people who matter in your life and even come up with solutions to some of the problems that they might be facing.

Extend your thinking to include the society

The society in which you live plays an important role in determining not only your welfare and the welfare of all the people in it. However, not many people spend a significant amount of time thinking about society. A better society will translate to better lives for all those in it and even for future generations that will have the privilege of living in such a society. On the other hand, a mismanaged society will translate to a myriad of problems for its current and future generations.

In addition to simply encouraging your inner voice to focus on those around you, you can also extend this to the society that you live in. There are many ills taking place in society and the only reason why they keep on persisting is that people do not spend time to think about them. For instance, you might notice that there is an increase in incidences in gender-based violence and exploitation. In such a case, you can focus your inner voice on this topic by asking yourself some of the reasons behind this trend and are the potential solutions.  You might end up highlighting the issue and even come with noble initiatives such as the ‘Me Too’ movement that was probably occasioned by one person using their inner voice to focus not only on themselves but on the plight of others as well.

Image: words draws one to others or evoke rejection

One of the issues that are increasingly facing global society is global warming. Be that as it may, very few people even take time to focus their inner voices on such issues that are being experienced on a global scale. You and your inner voice can choose to be the starting point as far as addressing such global catastrophes is concerned. You can decide to spend some time each and every time thinking about the phenomenon that is global warming and what you can do in order to raise awareness and capture the attention of the powers that be. By doing this, you might even end up realizing the full potential that can come about when you effectively manage your inner voice and thoughts. Precisely, focusing on such grand issues affecting society can make you a global activist and might juts end being a truly exceptional human being recognized all over the world for your positive initiatives. This also illustrates that your internal dialogue is a powerful tool that can change the world.

Have a resolute opinion on issues

As a human being, you have the freedom to think about whatever it is that interests you. However, this freedom does not mean that are expected to accept the pre-determined positions of other people on issues that affect society. Many issues affect the world today including some of the aforementioned ones such as global warming, gender-based violence, racism, and hatred. These are very issues that have managed to elicit a lot of debates on many quarters as people talk sides and try to argue their cases. These debates should also be extended to your inner dialogue. Your inner voice should be able to raise such issues, debate on them and eventually enable you to have a resulted opinion that is informed by your own personal values and beliefs.

Many people end up confusing themselves because they have failed to formulate an opinion on an issue that is affecting them. For instance, the issue of racism continues to be a thorny one in many western nations. Effective management of your inner dialogue will allow for personal conservation on the issue, its underlying assumptions and even its historical underpinnings. By doing this, you will be able to come up with an informed and resolute opinion. However, if you fail to effectively engage your inner dialogue, you might end up being easily swayed by the prevailing assertions that might not necessarily represent the true position as far as these issues are concerned.

Take your time to learn how to master your internal dialogue

When it comes to mastering your inner dialogue, it is perhaps easier said than done. In reality, it is not very easy to regularly practice some of the aforementioned elements of mastering inner dialogue. For instance, it is not easy to totally avoid thinking about that fancy house or TV that your neighbor just bought. You might try and avoid thinking about it in your conscious mind, but your subconscious will always revert to this line of thought. Similarly, it is very easy to forget and even overlook that which you already have and instead, spend a lot of time thinking about what others have.

Ultimately, the art of mastering your inner dialogue is something that takes time and deliberate effort on your part. During the initial stages of trying to attain this feat, you are most likely to fail and end up resorting to your old habits. However, when you keep trying, repeatedly, your failures notwithstanding, then you will end up mastering the art of managing your inner dialogue. Furthermore, it is always advisable to constantly remind yourself of the need and importance of mastering your inner voice and thoughts. Once you are able to appreciate the fact that you will end up being much happier and satisfied with your life once you attain this feat, then you will find it much easier to go out of your way and implement some of the measures that will make you have greater control of your inner voice.

Conclusion

In summary, it is important to pay great attention to that inner voice that is inside that is otherwise referred to as your inner dialogue. You should always engage in inner dialogues that are well managed and ones that will serve to make you a better person. There are several ways you can go about managing your inner dialogue. First and foremost, you should strive to be a positive thinker and always see the glass as half full as opposed to it being half empty. Try to shun away from negativity and be aware of that inner voice especially when it is leading you towards negative thoughts and ideas. Secondly, try to think about what you have while pursuing your other goals and objectives.  It is very easy to allow your inner voice to focus too much on what you do not have but this is not a productive undertaking. Managing of your inner dialogue also entails not being too harsh on yourself since everyone makes mistakes. In order to be a better person in both your immediate society and the global one as we, you think about other people as well as yourself. You must also use your inner dialogue to explore issues that affect global society and even come up with some of the potential solutions to address them.  Overall, effective management of your inner dialogue will make an attractive person to be with, enhance the quality of relationships you have with other people as well as making you an exceptional global citizen who will be admired by other people.

Chapter 19: Love Relationship

The Right Words to Use to Impress and Seduce Your Partner

Gone are the days when ladies fall for men with good looks or rather physical appearance. Nowadays, for a man to have the full attention of any lady, he must have a gift of sweet romantic words to convince her. Women love the world of fantasy and imagination, and that’s why they prefer men who can drive them crazier with romantic words.

Sometimes, talking to attractive women is hard. Most men are not trained the art of talking to women and so, on the trial process, the following things might happen: they might make their women feel bored, they might be unable to attract the women of their dream, they might not keep their women interested in the conversation for a long time, they might fail to remain true to themselves around their women. Therefore, if you are unable to seduce women of your dream, then don’t put blame on lack of popularity, money, power or looks. You must understand that women are not the same and so the styles of seducing women differ from one woman to another. Seducing a woman with words of mouth is not a walk in the park, and so the following tips and tricks can better your seducing power.

Use soft and low tone

As a man, while talking to women with the aim of seducing her, your voice should remain soft and low. Loud and high voice scares off the women and generates fear on her. The moment a woman generates fear in you it shows your attempt failed because the woman will shy off from you. Therefore, while seducing a woman, it is advisable to use soft and low voice for it creates a conducive environment for you two and moreover, she might be flattered by your advance.

Lean as close to her as possible while talking

Leaning close to your woman is the most essential act while talking to her. It brings you two close and make her feel the words your vibe to her. Moreover, leaning close to your woman makes her feel cherished and loved and makes her feel that the seductive words are meant for her. In reality, this tip works better for many men. Therefore, men should put more emphasis on this and be more polite and gentle to the lady to be more attractive.

Try as much as possible to be witty and make her laugh always

A seducing man should not be offensive and try as much as possible to be humorous while talking to the lady. In your conversation, utilize more humor to always put a smile on her face.  Most women love being taken out of their real-world to the world of fantasy. They say, this ‘make their day’. Therefore, men should have a good sense of humor to make the women of their dream smile and be happy. This will make them absolutely irresistible to their men.

Always compliment her with simple yet effective words

For a matter of fact, jargon and overtly fancy words make women dull and angry always. Whenever they are angry, they feel offended so fast. To avoid this scenario, you should complement your girl with simple yet effective words to make her feel your presence always. Tell good things about her appreciate her always and speak positive things whenever you are together.  For instant, if you like her curve then let her know openly; if you think her thought process is impressive then compliment her and let her feel that love you have for her.

Avoid focusing on her physical appearance while talking to her

It’s truly hard not to focus and talk about her attractive physical appearance while talking to her. For men, their outlook and figure is always on their visual, but this is not the best thing to talk about when you are with her, trying to seduce her using words.  The wise move to make at this moment is to avoid focusing on her physical appearance. Use romantic words relating to her positive character and personality. Therefore, while seducing your dream woman, most of your words should focus on praising her rather than mocking her. This makes her feel safe with you.

Confidence and composure can be really helpful

Most women nowadays go for confident men. Confidence and composure play a major role while seducing your girl for it makes a man stand out for himself. You have to keep your composure for the success of your seductive words. Over excitement spoils it all, and so it should be avoided and instead, confidence of the highest order should be maintained. Therefore, you should maintain calmness when you are with your woman. You cannot expect to impress a girl with just your words without confidence and calmness.

Smile and always maintain eye contact while talking

Actually, you must emboss this tip in your mind for it is the most significant point. A smile on the face creates an atmosphere for effective interruption. It makes your woman feel more absorbed by your actions. Maintaining continuous eye contact gives her the impression that you are really interested in her and that you need and care for her more than anyone else can do. Moreover, as you know, a smiling face is always appealing to anyone. Therefore, your physical appearance won’t matter. So long as you try to put a smile on your face, that woman will one way or the other get attracted to you.

Try to appeal to her emotional side

Women have those emotional sides which make them sensitive and receptive. In this case, they have to be triggered and your conversation determines all.  You have to make your conversation sweet and interesting in such a way that her emotional side gets triggered until it reaches the point where she starts feeling an attachment towards you.

Therefore, for you to seduce the woman of your dream suitably, you have to harness your conversation skills instead of freezing up in front of a beautiful and gorgeous woman. Make the environment around two of you flirtatious and fun so that you can eventually think of getting intimate with each other.

Chapter 20: Develop Humor and Make New Friends

Friendship happens as a result of connection at heart level. It is founded on trust. How do you start to build trust with someone you just met? Humor is one way. Laughter may be a means into the circle of trust. People who laugh less often earn less trust and it comes late. Laughter influences people to be more willing to disclose their personal information. When you share pleasure with people, a sense of intimacy is created and a bond is created between the two of you.

Humor creates an atmosphere of playfulness in which your counterpart gets primed to smile and join in the fun. When signs of stress and disagreement show up humor helps create a connection that provides a buffer against their effects. If you will make friends, you must first be friendly. The simplest way to demonstrate your friendliness is to tickle your senses of humor and make the people laugh with you. The more promptly you make people laugh the faster you make friends with them.

Meeting New People

Establish the conducive situations in which you are normally relaxed and at ease with yourself. Strive to strike friendships from there. You want to come across as naturally exuding humor and this can be achieved in your favorable environments. Attend local events that you are more involved with your community. You are more likely to meet people who share your interests in events that interest you. Besides, such events provide subjects upon which you can easily share views and interests.

Do join clubs that relate to your interests. The kinds of activities should be ones you enjoy. Strive to attend regularly to meet more like-minded people. Converse with them on what makes them join the club and see how promptly you get along. Volunteering to help with issues you care about also creates one such opportunity for you to connect with people who share your values. Are you song-trainer? Find somewhere to offer you skill for free with the view to connect with singers at heart.

Try out membership in recreational sports teams and in there occupy your space meaningfully. You cannot play in a team without interactions with your mates. In the spirit of teamwork, you will get to give and take from each other and create a mutual relationship that will build into friendships. Fellowships in religious services or community initiatives also provide situations where you can meet new people of your kind.

Being in the right surroundings exalts your natural state of ease and authenticity. When you are there, do not hesitate to reach out for new associations. You do not have to begin out with a lot of effort. Just be sensitive to your environment and enjoy along. The others will follow or welcome you. Be willing to try new circles and see how much fun you can create or get beyond your comfort zones.

Fun Conversations

Introduce yourself to the people you meet as a conversation starter. Say your name and then something about yourself and ask them to their turn. Follow up with a comment on the situation at hand and allow them to react. Connect at the level of the event, and then dig deeper as the conversation advances.

Compliment them and keep them smiling for a while. People like it when you say good things about them. When you do so, they come across you as a nice person. Teach yourself how and always find a reason to give a compliment to your counterpart. Ask about the location or about the weather. It breaks the ice. This especially applies to people you just met. You need not make a lot of sense or say something important. Look around, pick on anything, make an observation and let them go on to comment about it.

Ask questions about them. Show interest in them. People love talking about themselves. Ask and easily get along with the conversation. What is more, listen in actively and you will be liked more. People want to be listened to. Ask open-ended questions and listen to their responses patiently ignoring any interruptions.

Make fun of yourself so they can laugh. On a light note, give a humorous reason why you arrived just on time and not slightly earlier or later. People do not like it when you take yourself too seriously. Go easy on yourself and they will be easy in return. Any of your quirks, mistakes, and things you like? Tease yourself on them and laugh along with others. Be mindful though not to ruin your demeanor.

Practice and learn telling jokes. There must be a few funny things or instances of your life. Do you remember any of your friends’ or people’s experiences that can create humor? Practice on them till you can deliver them naturally. Read and watch comedies and learn. Practice and mind the timing for the punchline in each joke. Be careful though not to disrespect yourself or others in the emotions of it.

Social Skills

What are your best qualities? Build your self-esteem on them. What are your distinguishing values? Evaluate your skills, talents, and interests and bring yourself out different from the rest. Appreciate your physical attributes too and play on them. As much as possible, invest in yourself and keep adding to your assets of personality. Build your confidence in these things and get into action meeting the world and what it gives.

Learn and always display an open body language. Smile, make eye-contact and tilt your chin up. Open body language tells others that you are approachable. It is inviting. Too, keep a good body posture and gesture along as you converse. Employ your conversation skills and look great at it. This may be learned over time. So do not judge yourself harshly if you are not there yet. Be a good listener as well. Avoid distractions and show your patience and discipline as a listener.

Go for what you want. Despite the laid procedures that we often observe to get certain things, you can purpose to find faster means there. Understand that it is not about procedures, but the results. Humor has a way of creating those shortcuts to peoples’ hearts. Use it. Be yourself. You cannot come across great friends through acting, nor can you sustaining friendships in that way. Be honest with who you are and respectful to others.

Ultimately, humor is not about being funny. It is no comedy. It is about being lighthearted. Know yourself, dwell in the right places, meet the right people and do a little homework and you will soon realize how interesting space you occupy already is.

Chapter 21: Knowing How to Tell Stories

Tactics to Use to Capture Attention and Communicate Effectively

People have got brilliant ideas but they can’t offer them to their prospective audience unless they have made it look come right first. You have to capture your target’s attention before you can make her read or know how wonderful you are. Remember, your reader can’t pay attention to everything. In order to understand the brain has to focus on specific information. Reader’s mind is very selective, so you have to give them reason to pay attention to your content instead of everything else out there. Below are attention-grabbing strategies you should implement to fully curb your listener’s or readers attention.

You must have a hook in your opening

In writing, this is called an inciting incident. To hook your listener with the story, you have to present a problem that encourages them to keep on listening to you. Once hooked, your audience may seek out more of your content getting to know you better. Creating a world in which it is taken away reveals the ultimate importance of this process. For instance, if you are explaining the concept of photosynthesis, try to bring out your story in a world in which all flowers didn’t have leaves. This creates a problem that the story solves. You can always use this tactic in any lesson.

Every part of your story must be essential

When composing your storyline, for instance, fictional to teach a lesson or non-fictional, always try hard to connect each part of your story to the ending. Your character, points or principles must also relate the main point you are trying to bring out. Always listen to yourself and eliminate anything that affects your story be it directly or indirectly. For example, let us take the story about the planets. As a teacher you might be trying to help your students to memorize the order of the planets. Any tale you try to come up with to illuminate the facts must be related to the planets.

Draw a theme out of your story

It is very hard to write a story with a theme in mind, but a theme brings out the deep meaning of the story. It is rather advisable to first write the story elaborating all the points you want to cover. When you are done, stand back and see if you can draw out the theme of the story. Most probably this is important when your story relates to incidents in the past. Also apply real-life experience in your story because history can be boring. Themes always help to connect past with present and ultimately with the future.

Keep it simple

Complicated stories are always boring and aren’t necessarily better. Consider your audience age bracket while telling your stories. When your audience comprises of youths, then just keep it simple. However, even older audiences can be profoundly impacted when you take a complex idea and reduce it to a nugget that can be remembered. Using complex vocabularies and scientific principles might be difficult for young minds. Try to bring out analogies because it can help for deeper understanding. For example, in explaining an electric circuit, describe how train can only move along tracks that are connected to each other.

Use vivid language that kids can understand

Human beings learn better through storytelling, and this has been proved by some psychologists. For instance, if you are teaching science or maths concepts, use a word or two that your students are unfamiliar with. Describe and define it then use it again and again. For example, talking of science, take the word energy and use it severally during your storytelling session. By the end of the lesson, your students would have understood the concept plus some other vocabulary. Most television channels and shows use this method. Using hard vocabularies unnecessary will reduce the power of your story. This is similar to reading texts in translation. When you want to have a deeper understanding of the content, you first learn the original language it was written in to carefully understand what the writer was trying to convey. So, if you want to use the right word, first explain it for your students to follow along.

Use dramatic pauses

Some people talk more quickly than their brain can process. Here pausing helps. Pausing at the crucial moments of the story helps the audience to think critically about the content you are delivering to them. A good storyteller should ease the pressure of tension by pausing. Most popular television shows use cliffhangers to bring the audience back into the story. At the moment you feel the problem is still unsolved, pause and give your audience time to think critically about the solution themselves. After each pause connect your storyline to the previous sentences and majestically kick-off.

Change your voice with different characters

Giving your characters different personalities make them more memorable.  Part of this personality includes changing your voice when it comes to different characters. Beside visual props, changing of voice for different characters bring them o life. The best thing is to have different instructors to act as different characters. Sometimes it is difficult. For instance, let us take the case when you are re-enacting the civil war, stand tall and speak out as President Abraham Lincoln but when you are speaking as a Black American slave change your tone and use the accent.

Make the ending strong with an important takeaway point

The ending is the most crucial part and this is where most of the audience is up to. Put more effort into this part and whatever point or principle you feel is most important should be at this endpoint. If in case you already mentioned it at the content body part, and then just repeat it again to drive the point home. Most probably, make your ending sentence as short as possible. Use alliteration, repetitive words or even sing a song to make it more memorable. For example, if you want your audience to remember the theme of your story well, then come up with a phrase like “The civil war taught Americans that everyone is free to live, free to pursue their dreams and even free to be free.”

Therefore, understand that stories are meant to bring meaning, feelings, and context to dry concepts. Invite your audience, give them enough to understand and follow along but not so much for spoon-feeding. Add drama, props, effects, and set the scene to draw your listeners into the story.

Chapter 22: Mindset

The Power of Positive Words

Positivity is something that is very essential when it comes to the day to day lives of human beings. Positivity basically means maintaining a positive mindset even in the face of adversity. Life will always bring forth a mixed bag of fortunes with some being positive while others can be described as negative or unfortunate eventualities. Nevertheless, it is very important to ensure that whatever situation you find yourself in, you are in a position to maintain a positive mindset through it all.

One way of ensuring that you are able to maintain a positive mindset is by appreciating the role and importance of positive words. Positive words are important when it comes to maintaining a proper relationship with both yourself and others. When you speak positively to others, there are more likely to like you and would go out of their way to seek your company. Similarly, when you use positive words when speaking to yourself, you are more likely to love yourself more and harness your inner strength in order to pursue your goals and objectives in life.

Repetitive use of positive words can improve the life of someone

It is often said that the tongue is a powerful tool that can serve to make or break. This simply means that the manner in which you speak to another person and the type of words you say to them, can either make or break them. When you repetitively use positive words such as telling someone they are good looking or they are important to you, then there will be more likely to feel very good about their own situations. Such feelings of enhanced self-importance will, in turn, propel them to reach out for more and confidently pursue their goals in life. On the contrary, sustained use to negative words towards another person can have the opposite effect of breaking them. I keep telling your friend or partner that they are not good enough or that they are not intelligent enough, you might end up breaking them. This is because; such negative words will result in feelings of inadequacy being ingrained in their psyche to the point that they will actually start believing your words.

Positive words can enhance your own self-esteem

Repetitive use of positive words is not only important when it comes to other people, but it also matters when you are having a conversation with yourself. It is very important to keep reminding yourself that you are important, you matter and that you are beautiful. Such positive sentiments will go a long way in enhancing your own self-esteem. This is particularly very important when you are experiencing difficult times since you are highly susceptible to negative thoughts at such times. Repetitive use of positive words in times of adversity will ensure that you are in the position to maintain a positive mindset even in situations that are difficult.

Many people are leading very sad lives because of low self-esteem. Such people are even afraid to pursue their careers and dreams in life because they think they are not fit enough to do it. For instance, a young woman might be very afraid to pursue their dream of being an actor because they think they are not beautiful enough. However, positive words especially when used repetitively while having a conversation with your inner self can change such a scenario. It is often said that self-vindication is perhaps the most effective form of vindication since it eliminates self-doubt thus making you a better person. Positive words can make you stop doubting yourself. You will stop looking for reasons why you should not do something and instead, focus on why you should do it.

For instance, you will remind yourself that you do not need to be the most beautiful person in the world in order to pursue your career as in the entertainment industry. All you need is the right amount of talent, determination, and zeal to pursue what you want.  Positive words used repetitively will, therefore, enable you to improve your own self-esteem, go out, and pursue your dreams.

The role of positive words in enhancing your overall potential

Self-belief is a very powerful tool. Sometimes, you might sit back and wonder how people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett managed to attain so much success in their lives. The answer is most often very simple, they believed in themselves. Such successful people had an idea and they believed in their own capacity to implement such ideas to the fullest extent. The role of self-belief when it comes to maximizing your success potential is, therefore, one that cannot be overstated.

Positive words also play a very important role when it comes to your own success potential. This is because; such words will improve your capacity to believe in yourself. For instance, if keep on telling yourself that you are the best at what you do, you might actually end up being number one. Some of the most successful athletes have also employed the use of positive words to propel them to unprecedented success. For instance, Jamaican born sprinter and global sensation Usain Bolt used to have the slogan ‘Forever Faster’ as the main source of his motivation. Such positive words of course along with other motivators ensured that he was able to obliterate world record and to this day, he is considered the fastest athlete in history. His achievements underscore the fact that the use of positive words even as personal slogans will, therefore, go a long way in guiding you towards attaining your dream.

Positivity rubs off on other people

The thing about positivity is that it generally attracts positivity.  Simply put, a positive person is more likely to attract the company of other people who also happen to have a positive mindset. Furthermore, even if you attract people with a negative mindset, your own positive attitude occasioned by repeated use of positive words will rub off on them and make you have a better outlook in life. In light of this fact, it is important to ensure that you are able to repetitively use positive words both in your personal life and with others as well. Such sustained usage of words of encouragement and inspiration will ensure that you maintain yourself as a positive person and at the same time attract people with similar mindsets.

A pool of positively inclined individuals can be a very powerful force. When you are positive and are surrounded by positively inclined people, you are more likely to become with very good ideas on how to improve your personal lives. You will also benefit from enhanced synergy from people who would be more than willing to go out of their way to work hard towards the attainment of a common objective. Furthermore, you and the people around you will be in a better position to even go a step further to improve the society around you by making it a much better place filled with positive people.

Alternatively, one can argue that if you do not use positive words with yourself and with those around you, you are likely to end up attracting a pool of people with a negative mindset. A prevailing negative mindset will do a lot in terms of undermining your group dynamics and overall productivity.

Positive words can improve your physical and mental well-being

Everyday life can be too stressful. Getting up each and every morning, going to work, dealing with a rude boss and some of these everyday life issues might take a toll on many people. But the truth of the matter is, life is never and will never be a bed of roses. You will always be faced with situations in life that might seemingly be too difficult to handle. It can be very easy for one to decide to throw in the towel and decide that they will not take it anymore. In real life, this might see someone quit their job thus putting a significant dent in their careers. Others might decide to quit on a relationship that might have otherwise ended up being the best thing that ever happened to them. In some extreme cases, some people might even end up taking their own lives.

Positive words can go a long way in ensuring that you are able to come on top despite the day-to-day challenges associated with your life. You can wake up every morning and remind yourself that it is going to be a lovely day no matter what. In case you are faced in a difficult situation and one that you cannot immediately untangle from, such positive words like ‘tomorrow will be a better day’ will give you the strength and the zeal to go on hoping for a brighter future.

In all the aforementioned examples, the repetitive use of positive words will ensure that you do not fall into depression or lead an overly stressful life. This is because both depression and stress can result in other more serious health complications that can undermine your mental and physical well-being. By staying positive through repetitive use of positive words, you thus lead a much healthier life.

How to Use Positive Words in Your Day To Day Life

Complement those around you

Compliments are very powerful when it comes to improving the way other people feel. Compliments are basically positive words and expressions that are meant to point out something that is good about someone else. A compliment such as ‘you have really improved in your performance this time around’ is something that can encourage others to do even more. This is because the person will feel that whatever effort they have put in place has been recognized and appreciated.

When giving out compliments, it is important to remember to always issue genuine compliments. Genuine compliments highlight something that is actually positive regarding the other person. On the contrary, a compliment that is not genuinely such as telling someone that they have improved while this is not actually the case can pass for a lie. Once this person learns that you were lying to them, they might end up never believing what you say in the future as well as end up feeling bad about themselves. Secondly, you should always try and avoid the temptation to undermine the compliment by including a ‘but’ clause. For instance, telling someone ‘you look good but not as good as the other guests’. Such compliments actually take away the intended positive message instead; it leaves the person feeling inadequate about their own lives.

Be aware of how you talk to yourself

It is very important to be wary of how you talk to yourself. The manner in which you talk to yourself will determine whether or not you are able to encourage yourself to reach out for more. As an individual, you should be able to appreciate the power of positive self-talk which is basically talking to yourself using positive words and phrases. For instance, whenever you realize that you have fallen below your personal expectations in a specific undertaking, you should tell yourself you can do better next time instead of saying ‘that was very bad’.

Positive self-talk will ensure that you are in a position to dust yourself up and try again whenever you fail to meet your expectations. Moreover, positive self-talk can also go a long way in enabling you to convert your weaknesses into strengths. This is because you encourage yourself to no longer see perceive your weaknesses as impediments but as opportunities that can be explored for the benefit of both yourself and those around you. For instance, if some form of disability has afflicted you, you can use this as an opportunity to be champion for the rights of people affected with similar disabilities this benefiting yourself and others.

Come up with specific positive words that you will use

It might be virtually impossible to exhaust the vocabulary of positive words. There are many positive words that are out there but not all of them might be applicable to your specific situation. In light of this fact, you should be able to know those words that can work effectively with you and those that might not be applicable to your specific situation. By using positive words that specifically relate to your situation, you will find much easier to realize and appreciate the positive effects of such words.

Learn to think before you speak

One of the reasons why you might use harsh words on yourself and on other people as well is because you are in a hurry to respond. Sometimes, it is not always a good idea to always insist to respond to issues, questions, and queries in a hurry. Instead, you should exercise thinking before you speak. For instance, someone might ask you questions that might initially seem stupid. Your obvious and immediate reaction would be to respond in kind by issuing out a rather harsh response. However, if you are able to think before you speak, then you will be in a better position to find the right words to respond with. You will be more likely to use kind words and avoid a scenario where you offer an emotional response. A thoughtful response full of kind words such as ‘may I suggest’, ‘may I refer you to’ and other such words will ensure that your response attracts the attention of other people.

You could be wondering how long you should wait before offering your response. There is no rule of thumb when it comes to the duration of time that you should wait before responding to a question r query. Ultimately, the duration must be reasonable and one that allows for meaningful conversation. In essence, you can choose to wait for at least five seconds before responding. This is a typical duration that can allow you adequate time to come up with a good response and one that is full of positive words. However, the exact duration could be a little bit shorter or longer depending on the question and your understanding of the same.

One of the reasons why it is important to think before you speak is because people are different and unique. This uniqueness also extends to their individual sensitivities. Positive words and their usage play a very significant role when it comes to addressing some of the sensitivities that other people could be having. A word might seem simple in everyday usage but I might be considered very offensive to a specific category of people. For instance, the word midget can be very offensive when referring to little people. Positive words can enable you to select the proper word of vocabulary you can use instead of such offensive ones. Being able to think before you speak will enable you to identify the proper word to use in light of potential sensitivities that some of your audience members might have. IN this case, you might what to say little people instead.

Make regular use of kind words

Positive words go hand in hand with kind words. In fact, there are many kind words that are also regarded to be positive in nature. For this reason, you should always remember to use kind words in conjunction with positive ones. Words such a kindly, sorry, may I and please can go a long way in enhancing the overall quality of conversation that you may be having with someone else or even yourself. For instance, you can say ‘that was very delicious, can I please have some more?’ In this instance, you might congratulate the chef using positive words but the additional use of kind words makes the congratulatory message sound more sincere.

The use of kind words especially on a regular basis will also make you an attractive person. Kind words convey a feeling of warmth and approachability. For instance, whenever you use the word ‘kindly’ when requesting something, the other person is more likely to honor the request. This is because; your usage of such words will make them feel like they are dealing with a nice person who is approachable. Everybody wants to be around nice people even do things for them. To this end, people will always receive you much more positively and they will be willing to do things for you or with you hence making you an attractive person.

Learn to be thankful

Developing a habit of expressing gratitude for each and every good thing another person does to you is very important. When expressing gratitude to others, you will most often than not find yourself using positive words of encouragement. For instance, whenever someone offers your assistance with something small or big, you can say ‘thank you so much, you were very helpful’. This is an expression of gratitude while at the same time, it employs the use of positive words such as you were very helpful to encourage and enhance the self-esteem of the other party.

You might often find yourself showing gratitude for the big things done t you but overlook the small ones. However, learning to express gratitude even for the seemingly small things will ensure that you develop a natural capacity to use kind words with others without even knowing it. This natural ability will make you an attractive person and at the same time. Furthermore, people feel much better about themselves whenever they are appreciated especially for small things. You will, therefore, be able to have a significant impact on the lives of many people without even knowing.

Many people might not know this but being thankful for the small things and favors you get is likely to open doors for bigger ones. For instance, you might ask someone for some small money in order to invest in a simple startup company. While returning the money, you end up expressing a lot of gratitude for the assistance they gave you. In case you ever need similar assistance in the future, they might be willing to give you even more. The enhanced generosity can be attributed to two things. First is because you obviously honored your promise to repay the money. Secondly and perhaps most important, is the fact that you were indeed very thankful when returning the money. On the other side, if you had just simply returned the money and offered a simple thank you, you might not enjoy the enhanced generosity next time.  In this example, the power of positive words in expressing gratitude can improve your chances of success through access to more opportunities.

Learning how to use positive words

Repetitive use of positive words is undoubtedly a very important skill. However, in order to be good at it, you should take time this vital social skill. One of the steps that you can take in order to learn how to repetitively use positive words on others and on yourself is by listening to reading or listening to literature that is inspiring. There are many books out there and even audio files featuring an array of inspirational speakers. Such productions are always full of information about how you can go about marinating a positives lifestyle. Most of them emphasize the role of positive words and how repeated use of such words can result in an overall positive lifestyle. By reading or listening to such books, you will be in a better position to appreciate the role of such words and even learn many examples of positive words, which you can use in your everyday interaction.

Conclusion

Briefly, it is very important to stay positive at all times. Life can and will present you with challenges and difficulties that might be seemingly overwhelming. However, maintaining a positive mindset will ensure that you are able to overcome anything. Positive words go a long in enabling you to maintain a positive lifestyle.

Positive words are mainly words of encouragement such as you are strong, you can do it or even you are beautiful. Such words are very powerful in enabling you to improve your self-esteem as a person. Improved self-esteem will make you stop doubting yourself and instead, you will be able to things that you thought you would never do. Positive words can also improve your capacity to attain your dream by reminding yourself that you are better than they are and that you have what it takes. You thus are able to attain your full potential.

Positivity is an attribute that easily rubs off on other people. By maintaining a positive lifestyle through repeated use of positive words, you will be able to make those around you to be positive about life as well. You will also be able to attract other people with a positive mindset. When you have a pool of positively minded individuals, your overall group dynamics will be enhanced thus improved productivity.

Your physical and mental well-being can also be improved through sustained use of positive words. Such words will ensure that you are not overwhelmed by whatever situation you might be facing. This will avert potential health complications occasioned by depression and stress. Finally, there are several ways through which you use to ensure that you are able to integrate positive words in your day-to-day life. They include complimenting other people, thinking before you speak, coming up with a list of specific positive words to guide you in your day-to-day activities, being thankful for others and being aware of how you talk to yourself.

Table of Contents

Table of Contents