How to Talk to Anyone About Any Topic

Master Small Talk, Make Real Friends, Understand Self Confidence and Develop Deep Relationships

By James Collins

PUBLISHED BY: James Collins

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Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Self-Awareness

Chapter 2: Benefits Of Communication

Chapter 3: Confidence, Courage, Perseverance

Chapter 4: The Basics of Communication

Chapter 5: Essential Body Language

Chapter 6: Listening Skills Are A Superpower

Chapter 7: Mastering Small Talk

Chapter 8: Starting A Conversation With Anybody

Chapter 9: Preventing Awkward Silences

Chapter 10: Developing Your Charisma

Chapter 11: How To Captivate Listeners

Chapter 12: Being Interesting

Chapter 13: Making Meaningful Connections

Conclusion

Thank You

References

Your Free Gift

As a way of saying thank you for purchasing this book, I would like to give you a free copy of one of my best-sellers.

To get instant access go to: jamescollinspublishing.com/free

Inside this FREE book, you will discover:

- Important rules on how to master small talk

- A list of very powerful conversation starters to break the ice

- Master how to sustain a conversation with ease and keep the momentum going

- How to start a conversation with anybody in your daily life

- And lastly, how to build the courage and confidence to walk up to anybody and talk to them without it being awkward

Introduction

“Friendship is based on the oldest and most intrinsic human awareness that there is more to life than just ourselves.” — Christopher Hansard

When I was a child, I had no friends. It may sound strange to a lot of you. What does a life without friends look like? To be honest, it was pretty lonely. I would go to school, get work done, come home, study, go to bed, and the cycle would repeat, day after day, in a ruthless monotony that refused to let up.

A year back, I met one of my closest friends (yes, as I grew, I learned to make them) for lunch. As we were sipping our sangrias and enjoying a scrumptious Italian pasta bake, she looked at me and laughed. Surprised, I asked her whether there was sauce on my face (Italian food is so delicious, but I can be a bit messy when I am too involved in my meal!).

She smiled and said, “No, no. It’s not that. I was just thinking how you were a decade or so back! I absolutely hated you, and if my past self would have known that we would become such good friends, she would be shocked!”

I stared at her for a full minute, surprised out of my eating daze. “Really? What was so different about me then?”

“You didn’t know? I would have guessed that it was intentional on your part because you didn’t have friends!”

I huffed, a bit annoyed. “Well, yes, but I thought that had something to do with being a lonely kid who didn’t know how to talk to others.”

“No, silly,” she laughed again. “How would we know that you had troubles being socially confident or friendly? We all jacked it up to the idea that you were too proud and that you always felt you were better than the rest of us. You’d come to class, give all the correct answers, make us feel like dimwits, then leave without even so much looking back or trying to make conversation. We thought you were like this on purpose!”

Dear reader, believe me, I was shocked. It had never struck me that the issue, somewhere, was with me and how I projected myself. I simply thought that the problem lay with the society at large, that people were mean and unkind, and no one cared about me. I did not stop to think that I had any role to play in this. It was as if a whole new world had opened in front of my eyes, a world in which I understood that there are far too many out there who have suffered, or are suffering, the very plight that I did.

At that moment, I knew that I had to reach out and help, however I could.

So, here we are.

Let me ask you something. Are you someone who wants to engage more productively within your social circles, but you have no idea where to begin? You look at others who seem to have all the friends and all the limelight, and you wistfully wonder what is it about these people that makes them so lovable and so prone to being accepted, while you are left in the shadows, feeling awkward and unsure of how to make even one good friend.

In its simplest and most rudimentary form, communication involves the act of transferring information from a source to a recipient, in a cycle that activates a productive interaction between both parties.

When you think about it, communication is not just dependent on the words you speak. You may be the best speaker in the whole world, but you will not have a single friend unless you are able to mold your body language into something that draws people in. True communication requires you to establish connections not with just words, but with your whole body, including your facial expressions.

Learning to communicate effectively is one of the most important life skills you will ever instill. Unfortunately, they don’t teach you these things in a conventional academic curriculum. Schools and colleges will not teach you how to speak well, how to mold your body language so that people don’t find you hostile, and how you can learn to truly communicate.

These are skills that are learned, from our families, from the environment surrounding us, and from our own reluctance or receptiveness to whatever is going on around us.

If you look at the wider arena of life, you will see that each and every aspect of it is touched by communication. From your professional lives to the interactions and relationships you form in your personal lives, everything is mandated on how you communicate. A simple difference in body language can help prevent a fight between friends or partners or a tiff at work, or can worsen it.

Good communication skills are important for any project where you need to communicate and cooperate with others because they will help you to put forward a vision to your goals and to help prepare for everything in advance. If you work in the service industry, the importance of communication comes through in how you interact with your customers and other individuals. For example, if you are in the healthcare industry, communication is a key agent in establishing a trustworthy relationship between your patients and you.

Even when you are interviewing for a job, good communication skills play a significant role in ensuring that you come across as someone who is self-assured, committed, and worthy of the post. If you are in a business environment, communication is important for you to build good relationships with different hierarchies, motivate those around you, and work toward success as an organization.

Broadly speaking, there is no part of life or social relationships that can thrive without communication.

Communication helps you to build your listening skills. Knowing how to listen carefully is an important skill for effective communication. It's your capacity to demonstrate empathy, to be open-minded, and to provide constructive criticism in response to what you've heard. Your personality, attitude, and nonverbal communication abilities will also help you be effective in dealing with the people of your team.

Trust grows when there is open communication. Being able to actively listen and accept many points of view allows your colleagues to believe that you make the best choices for everyone in the group. By embodying the qualities you want to see in others, you will encourage your subordinates to trust their other team members, which will make them more likely to carry out their tasks competently.

Communication helps in resolving any underlying issues. If you want to avoid fighting with others and remain conflict-free, it is critical to be able to communicate well. To reach a successful conclusion, stay collected, ensure everyone has their say, and find an option everyone likes.

Communication helps in building direction and focus in your workplace. To provide your team proper direction, you need to communicate to them well. Helping coworkers with areas that need improvement in a positive manner should include pointing out methods to make things work and giving constructive criticism. Understanding both their own assignments and the duties of their other players can assist minimize misunderstanding and, therefore, decrease disputes.

Communication is important for forming stronger interpersonal connections. For both personal and professional relationships, better communication is important. Giving excellent comments while listening attentively helps others feel heard and understood. Mutual respect is fostered; therefore, a healthier relationship is developed.

Communication increases participation. Feeling better about what they are doing and what they have to accomplish makes individuals more enthusiastic about their jobs in general. By focusing on clear communication, you will be able to drive up interest among your team members and improve satisfaction with your company.

Communication increases output. Team members know what to do when they know what is expected of them, what responsibilities they have in the workplace, and what the other team members do. Conflicts are more easily addressed via improved communication, allowing workers to better manage their workloads and reducing distractions. This means your staff is going to be more productive, since you'll have access to these advantages.

In the workplace, communication encourages collaboration and team building. When everyone communicates better, they will be able to rely on one another more often. Everyone will feel like they have a fair load to bear, so nobody will become frustrated. This better division of labor will enhance team connections and motivate team members, creating more job enjoyment and productivity.

Excellent communication skills may improve everyone's job experience, since it builds confidence in their abilities. You increase the positive atmosphere in your work environment by making others feel heard and appreciated.

There is no aspect of life which cannot benefit if you learn the skills of communicating well. And now, you may be wondering why a self-proclaimed awkward weirdo, who had trouble making friends, is here, writing this book and sharing this with you. Because, dear reader, I know.

I know what it feels like to be in the shoes of an awkward, gawky teenager, a lonesome employee, a confused college student, and a depressed human being, who thought that they would never be able to establish a real connection with anyone. I have been in all these shoes, and I have learned from them.

I have spent years learning to emerge from my shell and to finally approach people in ways that will enable them to look at me not as an adversary but as someone who can be there for them, who can listen to what they have to say, and who can share parts of themselves and their insights with them.

For me, the next step in becoming an effective communicator fell naturally in the hands of this book. It is my labor of love, my call for you to understand that you are worth much more, you are capable of much more, and a whole world of opportunities is waiting for you out there. All you need to learn is how to reach out and open yourself to it. Let me show you how.

Chapter 1: Self-Awareness

“We do not learn from experience. We learn from reflecting on experience.” — John Dewey

At the onset of every journey you take, you have to ask yourself why it is important for you. What are you hoping to achieve? Is there something in your life that isn’t working the way you want it to? Many times, the problem that we think exists in the external environment is nothing but a reflection of our own resistance. As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I always thought that people refused to communicate with me because they were snobbish and I was better than all of them. You see how defensive that sounds? I never stopped to think of what I was doing to contribute to this issue, and whether there was a reason as to why others avoided seeking my company.

The first thing I did when I decided to work on myself was to practice self-awareness, which simply put is something that helps you really look at yourself. We all make mistakes, and we all do things that sometimes defy the basic nature of what we want. An innate resistance in human nature refuses to work toward positive change. Self-awareness helps you to look at the source of this resistance, and to reflect on why it exists, and how you can work on it.

Tasha Euric, an organizational psychologist and executive coach, wrote an interesting article on self-awareness for the Harvard Business Review in 2018. She rightly pointed out that self-awareness has become the new it word, and there are plausible reasons as to why. She goes on to note that there is research backing the concepts behind self-awareness, and that once we have become fully aware of who we are, we become more confident and ingenious. We become capable of strong decisions, we make better relationships, and we communicate much, much better (Eurich, 2018).

While all of us have a basic idea of what self-awareness constitutes (knowing who we are, knowing our boundaries, understanding our issues, and yada yada), few of us can say where the notion of self-awareness originated. In the wild, there exists the self-awareness theory, which states that you are not the result of what you think; rather, you are the being that is observing what you think. You are the thinking being, completely apart from the subject of your thoughts (Duval & Wicklund, 1973). This necessitates the presence of self-evaluation, which means that while we may have deviant thoughts, we don’t have to act upon them.

The capacity to know how your emotions influence your performance is called Emotional Self-Awareness. You understand what your feelings are telling you and why they are there, as well as how they affect what you are attempting to do. You are able to identify how you are seen by others, and as a result, you create a self-image that conforms to reality. You are fully aware of your own talents and limits, which leads to a realistic confidence in yourself. You will be more determined since you have a greater sense of purpose and know what your values are. Being a leader means you can be straightforward and unpretentious about your ideas.

Being emotionally self-aware isn't something you accomplish, then you never have to worry it about again. Every moment gives you the chance to become aware of yourself or ignore yourself. It is a continuous effort to be aware of one's self, a purposeful choice to do so. Practicing it makes it simpler.

Let me explain this with the help of a simple example. Let’s say that you are sitting with a group of people. The topic of discussion is not something you agree with, and all the while, you are thinking of how silly and unreasonable the others are being. This is your thought. But as a fully functional being, you are separate from this thought. When you learn self-evaluation, you will question why you are thinking this way, and whether you need to be more accommodating of others. When you reach this stage, you become more tolerant of others’ opinions, which is a foundation for a good communicator.

So, when we exercise self-evaluation, we can map the things we are thinking to our acceptable standards and the standards of the society around us. This gives us a measure of how correct our thoughts are, in the circumstance that we are in. Keeping these standards in place is also a great way of learning the tools behind self-control, because we begin to understand whether our thoughts are conducive to, or an obstruction to, the goals that we have in sight.

Taking the hypothetical situation above, if you understand that you want to win over this group, regardless of not agreeing with what they are saying, your self-evaluation and self-control mechanisms will tell you to tone down and modify what you put into words. This does not mean that you have to go against your ethics when you speak. It simply means that you will say what’s on your mind but in a more conversational manner—not with gestures or words that will make you a perceived threat in the eyes of the group.

Conventionally, the theory of self-awareness suggests that when we are able to compare our actions against those of others, we usually arrive at two conclusions. We either find that our actions are aligned to the actions of the person we are evaluating ourselves against, or we find that there is a difference in the way we think and act, and how they do the same. If there is a difference, the next step is to either look for a middle ground, or to skirt around the topic of discrepancy completely. This ultimately depends on our conception of the outcomes of said interactions. When we learn how to master communication, we can wield our body language to suit the outcomes we want.

Let’s understand this from a simple perspective. When we are aware of ourselves, we are also consciously pursuing success. Human beings are conditioned to align themselves with things that produce productive returns. If we find that being self-aware is leading to the benefit of having a successful conversation with someone else, we are likely to make a habit out of it. With this being said, are there any clear-cut advantages to developing self-awareness?

Yes, there are. Self-awareness gives you a visual of who you are. Your mind becomes a mirror of your understanding, and you begin to realize how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors work, and how they may influence your interactions with other people. This helps you to get a grip on how your actions reflect on others, how others consider you (depending on your verbal and non-verbal cues), and how you can modulate your responses to them so that you have a hold over the conversation that is happening.

Here’s another thing. A lot of what goes on in the outer world is not in our control. So, let’s say that we are in a group discussion, and someone is behaving in a tawdry fashion. In this scenario, we may not be able to control them or the way in which they are communicating. But if we are self-aware, we can make our opinions known and heard and bring positive change. Being self-aware allows us to identify exactly what it is about their way of communicating that is offending us, and when this happens, it becomes easier to voice our discomfort or let our stance be known.

How To Practice Self-Awareness During Communications

Armed with what we have just learned, let us now look at some ways in which we can implement self-awareness in communicating with others.

Firstly, talk in first-person as much as possible. Don’t be ambiguous when you are communicating. If you want to share something, be transparent about it so that there is no room for confusion or misunderstandings. For instance, if your friend has shown up late to a dinner, try to say something on the lines of, “I understand you had trouble, but I would also prefer it if you called me beforehand to mention you would be late,” instead of “some people have been waiting hours for others to just show up.” The latter is simply passive-aggressive, and it makes the speaker sound like a whining child as opposed to a mature adult.

Use your body to your advantage when communicating. All of us don’t quite know this, but as humans, we are expressive beings. So, if we are praising someone by telling them how nice they look and also rolling our eyes up and laughing, they are going to think that we are being sarcastic and insulting them. We don’t want that. So, when engaging in a conversation, look out for how you express yourself. Use your hands to convey your emotions, smile, nod, and show how involved you are in the discussion.

Make your feelings known. If you are not vocal about what makes you uncomfortable, you run the risk of bottling up anger and hurt toward others until you cannot communicate at all when they are around. Stand up for yourself, and if something is hurting you, make it known by saying something, such as, “this particular thing that you said made me uncomfortable because…” and state why it made you feel bad.

Finally, try to be non-judgemental in your communications. This is difficult, because as humans, we are all equipped with expectation radars, and we end up judging others the minute something falls short of what we expect. When we begin to learn self-awareness, one of the first things we have to practice is how to stand up for ourselves without judging others. For all we know, they may not have understood why a particular action on their part offended us. If someone is interrupting you in the middle of a conversation, try to say something like, “Can you give me a minute to wrap up what I have to say?” instead of passing them off as attention-seeking or selfish.

When I was growing up, one of my biggest issues was lack of awareness about myself and my capabilities. Since I had so little faith in my own self, I began using others like crutches. A time came when I could not make a single decision by myself because I thought that everything I decided would be wrong.

Dear reader, it took a lot of time for me to move from that place to one where I found more comfort: to a place where I learned to look at myself first, then to rely on others if needed. That is the main goal of learning self-awareness and self-reflection. When you trust yourself, your communication with others automatically improves because you are no longer relying on them for validation, and neither are you afraid of their words hurting or injuring you. You have the faith to let your voice be known, and you know that you can always fall back on yourself.

Reflecting helps speakers not just because it helps them feel understood, but also because it provides them the chance to organize their thoughts. Your  ideas will be more directed as a result of this, which will in turn inspire you to continue speaking.

With this in mind, here is some food for thought before we move on to the next chapter, which discusses the benefits of being a good communicator.

●     Prior to communicating with someone, make a note of what it is that the person has to be told and how you can do it in a way that will not hurt their feelings.

●     Next, think of the options you have to communicate with the concerned individual. Are you comfortable discussing it with them in-person? Does it need your physical presence in order to be discussed? Will it be sufficient for you to call, text, or mail them?

●     Think of what you are planning to say to the concerned individual as if you are in their shoes. This requires a degree of self-reflection and awareness. Is the tone of your speech making you uncomfortable? If it makes you uncomfortable, imagine the repercussion it will have on someone else! This measure will help you to tailor what you have to say.

●     Be confident and self-assured when you communicate with someone. You have gone through all the above steps, so now you know that you can comfortably say what needs to be said. Don’t hesitate and don’t fumble with your words. Practice speaking in front of a mirror if need be, this can work wonders!

●     Maintain eye-contact when talking to someone. A self-assured person will never shift their eyes away when putting a point across because it makes you appear uncertain.

●     Practice being calm in your conversations. The topic being discussed may be something that you are passionate about, but try to not let it overwhelm you. Instead, think of it as something to which you can contribute constructively. In order to do that, you must be calm and collected.

It's essential that you, regardless of being the communicator or the listener, see eye-to-eye on the matter of whether or not you have a correct understanding of what was stated. You get the capacity to hear your own thoughts and to concentrate on what you need to say or feel when you participate in self-reflection. You will also be more prepared to demonstrate that you are attempting to see the world through the eyes of the audience and that you are making every effort to comprehend their messages.

In the coming chapter, we will look at the different benefits of being a good communicator. Be it in your personal or professional life, communication skills can help with everything.

Chapter 2: Benefits Of Communication

“Communication is the lifeline of any relationship.” —  Elizabeth Bourgeret

It may not be immediately apparent, but good communication skills are essential in all walks of life. It's human nature to interact with one another and seek companionship. Individuals play a variety of roles on a regular basis, relying on the situation in which they find themselves. The ability to clearly and effectively communicate is always a need when it comes to interactions.

Being able to communicate effectively will result in the opportunity to improve the quality of interpersonal relationships as well as an increase in confidence when interacting with people in a social setting. These advantages may be critical in obtaining a job or establishing long-term connections with friends, colleagues, and family.

It is only when communication is successful that all parties involved are left feeling pleased and accomplished. Clear communication eliminates the possibility of misinterpretation or modification of messages, thus decreasing the likelihood of conflict between parties. The ability to communicate effectively is critical to ensuring that conflicts are handled in a courteous way when they do occur.

Trust

The first advantage of becoming a good communicator is that it allows you to build trust and transparency in your relationships with others. A few years back (a fun way of looking at this is to consider the term BP or Before Pandemic) in 2016, the Psychology Today’s blog published an article where Russell listed the characteristics of a workplace where communication is healthy and wholesome (Russell, 2016).

●     There is open and free dialogue between employees.

●     The goals of the organization are mandated on healthy contribution, cooperation, and ingenuity.

●     Colleagues are not interested in bashing each other; rather, they communicate between themselves to meet collective ends.

●     There is a healthy flow of feedback and constructive criticism.

●     There is respect for one another and consideration, where everyone is eager to chip in when it's needed, and people even do things without being asked because they like one another's company.

Let me write down a scenario for you. You have learned effective communication skills, and you are now a member of a friend circle. One day, one of your new friends shares a secret with you because the two of you have built trust with each other. This can go two ways. Either the trust remains because you honor your friend’s secret—this becomes an excellent way for you to be seen as solid communicator, or you belch out everything that your friend has shared with you, break their trust, and subsequently, the whole group considers you as unworthy of hanging out with them because they cannot trust you.

So, trust and communication are two sides of the same coin. Without one, you cannot have the other. If the people you wish to communicate with do not trust you, your communication will never be fruitful. Our reliance on others creates a need for trust in our relationships. There are many occasions in our lives when we rely on people to assist us in obtaining what we desire, to provide us with support when we require it, and to lead us if we are confronted with difficulties or a crisis. In social relationships, trust is extremely important.

To determine whether someone would trust another, they must feel their success is reliant on that person's conduct. They must believe that they will see results from their efforts. And they must also believe that there are ways for them to reduce their susceptibility. When the flow of communication between two or more people is easy, it is almost certain that there is established trust between the members of the group.

Problem Prevention/Resolution

How many times have you been the subject of a horrible thing known as misunderstandings? Learning the skills of proper communication is doubly important when you have to make sure that what you are saying isn’t interpreted in a way that will hurt the listener and cause you more harm than good. Misunderstanding often comes in a package deal with it’s sister, miscommunication. When these two are combined, there can be a literal war of words.

Miscommunication is often caused by a mismatch of overt and covert meaning between the source and the destination, which results in misunderstanding. Some individuals are direct, while others want you to interpret their words in a more subtle manner.

Miscommunication may be avoided by wording your thoughts in a clear and concise way. The use of a third party is advised in high-stakes situations or when you are unfamiliar with the other individual. For instance, if you are attending the first day of a new school or university, you would want to keep your communication as simple and frank as possible—if you choose to use complicated jargon from the get-go, there is a chance that others will look at you as difficult company to keep.

So, how does communication prevent or help you in solving problems and misunderstandings?

●     Communication allows people to resolve pent-up anger: Miscommunication leads to frustration, and the opposite is also true. Anger may be reduced if you are able to communicate effectively about your issues and if both sides are ready to make a compromise. Often, when two people get together and talk about their issues, it is possible to reach a place of compromise where both parties feel that they have been heard.

●     Some individuals have a tendency to hold resentment or to get enraged by things that happen to them. Occasionally, these same individuals will not divulge to the other person precisely what it is that is causing them the greatest frustration. Communication may assist in bringing such hidden difficulties to light, which can aid in resolving those issues.

●     It goes without saying that good communication skills make you empathetic anytime someone expresses their underlying problems. You become more open to the understanding that every individual is unique and comes with their unique issues.

●     Relationships become more solid as a result of communication. Consider your relationship with your family; no matter how minimal, you communicate with them every day. If you did not converse with at least one person, you would end up feeling alienated. This is harmful to the mind and the body, because as humans, we are social beings. We need the company of others so that we can share our thoughts and self with them.

Something to try: Take some time out of your day to sit down with a loved one and have a meaningful discussion about their lives. You will be astounded at how much this may assist you in resolving your difficulties. To allow your communication to be meaningful and geared toward problem-solving, there are some things that you can do.

●     Acknowledge the existing issues between the listener and you. Do not devolve into belittling each other and do not address complaints with more complaints. Instead, just listen to what they have to say, and rather than countering them, say what is on your mind that has caused you grief or discomfort.

●     Understand the likes and dislikes of the listener. This is essential for communicating and solving underlying issues. An issue that does not matter to us may have been important to them, and unknown to us, we involuntarily hurt them by talking offhandedly about this issue. Maintain silence when they speak, so that they understand you are willing to listen to them.

●     Apologize where necessary. The world is big, and there is room for everyone to exist peacefully.

●     Discuss how you can ameliorate the situation so that both of you can coexist harmoniously in the present moment. Try to come out of what has happened in the past.

●     Take a break if the conversation gets heated, and say that you are willing to continue the dialogue, but only if all parties are respectful of each other.

●     Finally, Make sure to clearly communicate verbally and physically. Relax, believe in the process, be involved in the discussion, and maintain consistent eye contact.

Providing Clarity

Clarity is one of the most important things that defines constructive communication. Each party involved in the exchange of information has some level of responsibility for what they have communicated. When responsible for communicating a specific message, we must make every effort to ensure our message is understood by the recipient. And when in doubt, the recipient must ensure he or she understands the message and questions any sections that are ambiguous. The first step toward effective communication is to be clear in your own thoughts about what you want to communicate.

Why is clarity so important? Simply, clarity provides connection for what we are trying to say. Without clarity, the only thing we have is a jumble of words and phrases that do not make any sense. When we add clarity to this jumble, we have a context and a meaning. It is at the heart of all communication because it makes the exchanges between two people meaningful.

If you think about it, the channel of communication is pretty straightforward.

●     You speak a string of words as a collective message.

●     The statements are absorbed by the other person, who understands them in their own interpretation based on their own opinions, sentiments, and so on.

●     The other person responds by formulating an answer and sending it back to you.

●     After receiving the answer, you interpret it into meaning and importance for yourself.

●     You respond by sending back your answer.

During the sending out and getting back of messages, a lack of clarity at any step will create confusion, misunderstandings, and generally inadequate coordination with each other. This has happened to me so many times in my workspace! Online meetings, especially, create ambiguity in what a person is saying. The listener ends up interpreting it in their own way and does something completely different to what was asked for!

Good communication ensures that this will not happen. When you are communicating with clean and precise words, meaningful body language, and are clearly addressing any questions that may be asked of you, you leave little room for ambiguity. Why are we, as people, so drawn to subtitles in films and television series? It’s simple! They provide clarity! They help us to understand what is going on and whether we have misheard something.

In the same way, if we humans came with subtitles, it would be far easier to interpret situations. However, since all we can rely on is the power of our speech and the way we use our body language, good communication skills become an essential quality for establishing clarity.

Make More Friends

Whenever we speak about the things we need in order to be happy, relationships are always on the list. In our world, partnerships often revolve around romance. We believe that just finding the perfect person will result in us being happy and satisfied. However, our friendships are perhaps just as, if not more, essential to our psychological well-being. The people in our social circles significantly increase our level of happiness and make our lives infinitely better.

It is no secret that friendships have a significant effect on one's emotional health and well-being. Friendships, particularly close ones, alleviate stress, serve as a comfort, and provide happiness. Good friends also insulate individuals from loneliness and isolation.

Close social ties may boost your overall physical health, in addition to impacting your emotional and mental well-being. Smoking, excessive drinking, and living a sedentary lifestyle are all risk factors, and a lack of social connections may contribute to each of these, mostly because we turn to these addictions when we do not have any social support or any other person to share our thoughts and feelings with. Friendships are even associated with longer lifespans.

But you cannot just develop intimate friendships. Many of us find it difficult to meet new people and form meaningful connections. This is exactly where you need to focus on building good communication skills. The reverse can be quite damaging.

Because you don't have the chance to learn how to deal with others, you can't become better at interacting, which hampers your chances of building satisfying personal connections. Communication skills are essential for establishing and maintaining friendships as well as for creating a strong network of support. They also assist you in meeting your personal requirements while being considerate of the requirements of others.

People are not born with excellent communication skills; instead, they must be acquired via trial and error and commitment to lifelong learning, just like any other skill set. We often take the power of communication for granted, and believe that it is something that happens naturally. It is not so. Communicating with others is a skill, a genuine exercise in understanding and gauging human behaviors and responding appropriately to a particular social situation. It is not something that just happens.

So, what are some of the most important communication techniques you may use to help you create more friends?

●     First and foremost, learn to communicate effectively by allowing people to speak for themselves. In order to effectively communicate with our audience, we must first ask them questions about themselves, what they enjoy and hate, and enable them to share aspects of their life with us.

●     Discuss their hobbies, interests, and other accomplishments that they are proud of.

●     Plan methods to impart information in a manner that does not come across as snobby or as if you are saying things to demonstrate how much you know and how little others do in order to seem knowledgeable. To do this, start the conversation with something like, "Did you know what I discovered?" or, "I did not know this myself, but I happened to read this book, and I discovered that..." and always finish your statements by asking the listener for their thoughts.

●     Finally, invite friends and family to social gatherings that you find enjoyable. We all like a little me-time every now and again. However, try not to allow this to become the defining feature of your daily life. Gather information about people you meet, get to know them, and take inspiration from the way they handle their interpersonal interactions. The more you pay attention to how other people communicate, the more you will gain knowledge about how to communicate effectively with them.

Becoming More Successful

Human civilization is rooted in communication, where human beings work together and help one other. To really stand out from the crowd, you must be able to express your viewpoint, while also showing that you respect the opinions of others.

Take, for instance, the case with being successful in your work environment. In order to start a successful profession, it is necessary to have exceptional communication skills, and this ability is vital for the success of one's career in today's fast-paced world, whether that means finding a student job or working in an enterprise. It also provides us with the capacity to exert influence on others. It is a link that connects two different entities.

People who have strong communication abilities tend to advance more quickly in life than others. Even in the midst of everyday living, effective communication between families may help to build positive connections. A major cause for dysfunctional family relationships is that there are misunderstandings between parents and children, which happens when communication is ineffective.

Similarly, communication breakdown has obvious consequences in any job, and it has the potential to impede one's advancement in their profession. Let us look at some qualities that are fostered with good communication skills, and that are essential for success.

●     It is much easier to get your ideas heard and understood when you have good communication skills, because your clients and supervisors understand that you are committed to the organization, the product, and the ends you are representing. You have an ability to articulate your thoughts and convey them in a way that makes it straightforward. You are able to effectively interact with your customers and explain to them the benefits of the products or solutions that you are providing. It is possible that your communication abilities will make the difference between a happy and a dissatisfied client.

●     Listening to others is much easier when you have effective communication skills. Communication is a two-way street when it is done properly. Not only must one be a good speaker, but one must also be a good listener. The art of listening needs more patience than the art of talking.

●     Customers' needs and requests must be carefully listened to in order for them to be effectively met by a group or organization. As a result, listening is just as essential as speaking when it comes to communication. Without listening, one cannot provide accurate answers to questions, and the entire communication process will be rendered ineffective if these two processes do not operate in tandem. You need to be a good listener in order to be successful in your workplace.

●     Body language that is supportive is a sign of effective communication. Good communication is built on learning to manipulate your body language so that the listeners see how involved you are and do not perceive you as a threat or an obstruction. This is an important tool for success in the workplace. Imagine if your supervisors considered you to be a stiff, unyielding personality simply because of problems with your body language! That would impede the road to professional success.

●     Clarity is built on the basis of effective communication. Good communication involves speaking what is necessary without rambling on or deviating from the primary topic, which may alter the mood of the audience in a negative way. When communicating, it is important to convey the purpose for which the conversation is taking place. It is important to consider what you really want to say before you express it. No misunderstanding will arise throughout the discussion, and business as usual will continue without interruption.

●     Finally, effective communication fosters confidence, which is critical for achieving success. Communication necessitates the presence of confidence, which is an essential component of it. In order to connect with people effectively, one must feel confident in one's abilities. It is best not to make comments that seem like inquiries. In order to avoid seeming arrogant or confrontational while speaking or expressing their views, one must exercise caution. Every time you have a disagreement with your boss or a client, it is critical that you understand and appreciate their perspective as well. A competent communicator should enter every communication scenario with an open mind and be adaptable in his or her approach. Once this is accomplished, you will be able to conduct a fruitful discussion.

Employability and Communication

Finally, good communication is just what you need for that promotion, that better job opportunity, that employability skill. Here's the thing: When you do not learn to communicate, your body language and the way in which you speak with others often comes across as awkward, clumsy, and contrived. It either seems as if you are trying too hard or that you aren't trying at all. This isn't conducive because you want a balance. You want others to look at you as a problem-solver.

Let me tell you a personal story here. When I was fresh out of college and looking for a job, I wasn't much of a communicator. Truth be told, I was shy and still disliked being around people. I'd come out of my shell somewhat, but I truly realized how far I had to go when I sat down to my first interview. Looking back at it, I'll laugh because it was a comic disaster.

I was so nervous that I could not look at my interviewer's eyes. I knew the answers to what he was asking me, but I had no idea how to put them across. So I ended up giving blunt one-line replies, my palms shaking and sweating. He noticed how ill-prepared I was to tackle social settings, and this is key. If you do not know how to communicate, your supervisor or interviewer will look at you as someone who is incapable of handling difficult social settings, which comes in every job. You may be faced with a tough client. You may have to pitch a product to an international board. There may be ten different situations, some based on contingency, where you must show presence of mind and clear communication skills. Your employability is hinged on this.

So, when you look at it, communication is something that you need. It is unfortunate that it isn't taught in conventional academic curricula because it is a lifelong skill that contributes to your wellbeing and your chances of being better accepted in society. Growing up, I went through a phase of thinking that I didn't need anyone else. To hell with others! But, dear reader, this was nothing but me lying to myself.

Everyone needs someone.

We all need to be seen, to be loved, appreciated, told that we are indispensable to someone. Humans are social creatures. We may rejuvenate in solitude, but we thrive in the company of others. Communication is like a map, giving you the directions, telling you what you have to do. If your journey is social acceptance, it is something that you must follow.

Chapter 3: Confidence, Courage, Perseverance

“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will.” — Vince Lombardi Jr.

Let me share a little secret with you. You can plot and plan, make schedules and mark dates, and do a hundred other things. But, life is still going to find ways to throw you out of the curve, to surprise and question you, and to compel you to think on the spot.

Does that mean that you stop having faith in yourself and what you are capable of? No. It means that you turn around, summon your energies, learn the tools of confidence, courage, and perseverance, and use them to bounce back. Failure doesn’t come because something unexpected happened or something went awry. Failure is the result of you giving up on yourself.

At the start of this chapter, let us talk about confidence. Before we begin, we need to check in to make sure we are on the same wavelength. Confidence and conceit are diametrically opposed to one another. Being too prideful and egotistical about your abilities, although admirable, may be annoying to others around you.

Being self-assured is an important element of being a competent, functional human being.   Pomposity, on the other extreme, is detrimental to your image. It is an illusion, a method of deluding yourself in order to compensate for underlying insecurities.

Arrogance is a show put on for the benefit of others. It is not beneficial to you. It is critical for us to have faith in our abilities to complete tasks and actively engage if we are to be successful. It is possible, though, that if we get complacent, thinking, "I've accomplished this a billion times before; therefore, everything will be cakewalk," that we will become sloppy and not pay attention to what we are doing.

Finding out how to be comfortable with yourself and your skills, while being vigilant and careful not to think that success will be guaranteed without hard work and effort, is important. Excessive self-assurance is seldom rewarded with respect and trust. Their peers regard them to be difficult to relate to and talk to.

On the other end, those who lack confidence, despite the fact that they are generally accessible, may find themselves in circumstances where others find it difficult to accept their authority. This implies that they have not been entrusted with the duty of taking care of important matters.

Finding the appropriate degree of self-assurance is a profoundly personal venture that often requires the accumulation of time and experience. Numerous individuals will work on their self-confidence throughout their lifetimes and will consider themselves to be perpetually in the process of improving. This may shift depending on when in our life we discover the meaning of confidence. Truly, the best way to look at it is to see it as a life-long skill that we keep learning.

The older we become, the more our lives are shaped by the exposure to new things, which of course, means that when we enter various areas in our life, we are sometimes going to lack experience and confidence. This is quite normal. Learning to be genuinely confident implies that you will take these new circumstances in stride, find the best way to cope with them, and concentrate on them with all of your energy and focus.

Being self-aware and aware of one's own abilities is essential to being confident. This is not just about how much you can accomplish or what you have to give; it's about who you are. It all comes down to understanding who you are.

The moment you are certain, without a reasonable question, that you are valuable, you immediately become a more confident and resilient human being. You have self-respect, and you expect respect from others. You come to understand that, just by existing, you have the right to a happy and healthy life, without any more justification.

When you have self-assurance, you feel more empowered. You can get out of bed every morning and look in the mirror, and you can really adore the person who is staring back at you. It doesn't rule out the possibility of making changes or improvements in the future. Acknowledging and accepting your imperfections and acknowledging that you are in a process of growth and learning is an essential part of self-acceptance.

When this happens, you aren't scared of making errors since you realize that every error leads to learning. They are an essential component in the process. Rather than chastising yourself for a perceived failure, you welcome learning opportunities, work on making some changes, and go on with the next iteration. As your self-esteem grows, you learn to stop taking things personally and instead see setbacks as important input for future growth and development.

So, what is the connection between confidence and communication? You will be successful in both your professional and personal life if you have the self-assurance to speak out, comprehend people, and engage in clear communication. As soon as you learn how to communicate effectively, you immediately increase your self-confidence and make it easier for people to grasp your point of view, while also being receptive to ideas. Others will find you more accessible as a result of this, which is essential for building confidence.

When you're comfortable, calm, and confident in yourself around people, you are more prone to treating them with respect. You also have greater confidence in your own abilities and your own impartiality. When you put these characteristics together, you get someone who is self-assured and confident! If you speak with a lack of confidence, the listener will think that you either do not believe in what you are saying, or that you are uncertain of the facts, or that you just do not care about what you are saying. It's a two-way street, after all.

In our everyday lives, being able to communicate with confidence is equally as essential. Although you may not always be able to hear it, our brains are capable of detecting even the slightest abnormalities in someone's speech. We can tell if a person lacks confidence in themselves based on things like avoiding talking to us, lying, having no conviction, and being insincere. At all costs, you must learn to avoid insincerity if you want to build confidence.

Before we move on to talking about persistence, here are some things you can try to inculcate more confidence in your communication.

●     Be straightforward about what you want to convey. Being confident in the workplace is essential, particularly if your aim is to impact and persuade colleagues outside of your immediate control, including those with higher levels of power.

To be comfortable when talking with your employer, a senior executive, or a potential client, you must first be clear about your own beliefs and values. The more consistency you have before entering a discussion, the more likely it is that your thoughts will be accepted with serious attention and consideration.

●     Recognize and express your feelings. When you are clear about how you are feeling, you will be able to express yourself more confidently. You may be experiencing a range of emotions, and that is perfectly normal. Remember that you should be able to discern how you feel.

●     You should be ready to hold your ground when you are faced with opposition. It may be frightening to express one's point of view in the face of resistance, especially if the opposition comes from people in positions of authority.

Keep in mind that the ideas that are most deserving of spreading are those that are most likely to be on the verge of becoming contentious. Prepare to be questioned whenever you introduce anything new, then step up to the challenge by providing the facts and research that supports your point of view, if necessary.

●     Remember that location is important, so think about where you'd like to conduct this discussion. The outcome of confronting someone over a night out with friends or via a text or email will be negative. The ideal circumstances are those in which you have some control, such as taking a stroll outdoors and chatting with them face-to-face in a public place.

●     Be willing to answer inquiries. When you are constructive and open-minded, you create an environment that encourages discussion and the development of solutions. It is preferable to be engaged in the activity rather than remaining silent or allowing oneself to become emotionally aggressive.

The more accommodating you can be and the more open you are to fresh contributions to the ideas you're providing, the more intriguing you become to people in positions of authority or authority-like position.

●     Prepare everything you want to communicate in advance.  Keep your key ideas in mind alongside what you want to happen at the end of the day.

●     Last but not least, be courteous and honest. Many individuals give greater credence to those in positions of authority, and even though this may not be conscious, it tends to reinforce hierarchy in their behavior. So, what you want to remember here is that you are looking to take an upper stance. This will not happen if you are ingratiating or overly sweet.

Instead, look for ways to be polite while getting your points across. For instance, when engaging with your superiors and sharing your most innovative ideas with them, you will demonstrate your regard. In contrast, when you address people who are less experienced and knowledgeable to you, you should treat them with the same level of decency. Pay close attention to what they have to say, recognize their points of view, and expand on their suggestions in any manner you can.

Be genuine. The more ready you are to put your thoughts out there and the more accomplished you are, the more productive you will encourage your colleagues to be.

Let us move on and look at the quality of courage.

In many ways, courage is at the heart of good communication. It enables you to take the first step, to put yourself out there in the world, open for introspection and scrutiny. That can be overwhelming. It takes a lot to emerge from the cocoon of isolation and not being accountable to anyone, to emerging in society and taking up responsibilities. When you begin to do that, you have taken a step in the right direction.

To be clear, courage does not mean that one is unafraid. That is virtually impossible because all of us are faced with situations that are unknown and that make us uncomfortable. What sets a good communicator apart is their ability to learn from these situations, to understand and respond to them, and to be able to look at these situations as experiences to hone their skills.

The more you learn to communicate with others, the more courageous you become. Courage is not the same as being brash or foolhardy because it involves acknowledging that you do have shortcomings while also working on constantly becoming a better person. This also means that you have to recognize three big issues that can hamper the development of courage.

●     Having an understanding of why it is so vital to venture outside of your comfort zone in the first place.

●     Making the decision to actively and consistently engage in acts of courage, even if you do not feel like it.

●     Knowing where to begin because being brave is not always predictable or straightforward. For instance, you may just think that your sitting at home and working 24/7 is an act of courage because you are not aware of any other way of existing, but it isn’t. It is routine. Courage is stepping out and doing something different like engaging with a group of people, allowing them to understand you, and being open to constructive criticism.

How do you practice this?

Like all other habits, you are not born with courage. You learn and embrace it.

●     Courage should be cultivated on a regular basis. Try new things, be different, or face a phobia on a regular basis to demonstrate your courage. Small challenges, on the other hand, provide the fortitude to face larger problems on a regular basis. Create a record of the things that you are frightened of. Accept and embrace your apprehension. Being courageous involves taking a risk and accomplishing something despite your fears.

●     Learn to retrain your mind to be able to work through and step beyond your fears. Anxieties become stronger and more frightful when they are avoided. The modern mindset considers emotions to be a sign of weakness and strives to keep them under control. This is a contradiction, because in avoiding bad feelings, the dread of the negativity itself becomes greater.

●     Recognize and accept your apprehension. Your anxieties can't be banished; instead, you should address them and make a real effort to deal with them. To overcome your fear, you will need to acknowledge who you are and what are the things that make you feel anxious or imbalanced.

●     Improve your ability to pay attention to favorable signals while dismissing negative ones. We all tend to focus more on bad comments and negative feedback than on good comments. If comments are negative, look at how you can use them constructively. Become conscious of this, and subtly guide your thoughts toward more positive stimuli.

●     Recognize that things can and will go wrong. When you exhibit courage, you're accepting the danger of failure, but it means you have conviction and belief in your ability. Accept it and show that you have the courage to move on from it. Investigate possible temporary and specific reasons for why things may have gone awry. Don't let this situation or its complications get to you. Keep reminding yourself that you'll be fine as long as you deal with the problem now.

●     Finally, develop confidence in yourself. Courage is not about pretending to be someone you are not or trying to do things that are well above your capabilities. Taking the time to acknowledge that things can be challenging for the person that you are right now and dealing with them with confidence and clear communication tactics is what it is all about.

Finally, we come to perseverance. Let me share a short story here. This dates back to my school days and is actually an incident that taught me that you need to persevere to get your point across.

We had a teacher who was not particularly fond of me. To this day, I am not certain why. I can conclude that there were some traits in my personality that did not match his, because of this, we were always at conflicting ends. I kept sticking to my points without listening to his feedback, and he kept chastising me for it.

Things came to a standstill when I failed his subject in the tenth grade. I was shocked. Up until that day, I had considered myself to be a stellar student! Oh, the pains of arrogance!

I sought an audience with him. On the first day, he refused to meet with me. This went on for four days. He would keep finding ways to avoid me. I was on the verge of giving up, and I shared this with my mother. She was the one who told me to persevere. I didn’t understand the value of this back then. But I generally knew that if she was asking me to do something, it would probably work. So, I waited and kept trying. I stood by his office for five days. On day ten, he called me in.

The conversation I had with him continues to be one of the most important conversations I have ever had. I will share just one line from it: “I avoided your company because you were never open to communicating with me. So, I presumed that if I gave you an audience, you would just come and scream without letting me explain anything. But, you persevered. This shows that you wanted my audience and that you are willing to open a dialogue. This is a good step.”

Dear reader, this was the day I understood the importance of perseverance. A determination to succeed is one of the most vital characteristics you may have. It entails a firm commitment to putting in long hours despite any hurdles or disadvantages that may arise. It is to be tenacious and unwavering in completing a task and refusing to give up until it is accomplished.

In our lives, we won't always succeed and excel, and we won't always have every little thing in life go our way. Sometimes, we may miss or stumble over an objective, or something may stop us from attaining what we want. By enduring and remaining committed to the mission, we will finally overcome difficulties and achieve success.

This is so important for communication! Let’s say that you are faced with a particularly difficult audience, and no matter how hard you try, you are not being able to get your point across. Does this mean that you throw your hands in the air, give up, and walk away? What if a big deal is hinged on your getting an approval from this difficult audience.

No. You hang in there. You listen to whatever is being said, and you take time with your responses. Even if it takes two hours, you listen to everyone and their opinions, you understand their views, and you share what comes to your mind. This is how perseverance is married to successful communication.

●     Recognize your achievements. Compare these to your personal standards for self-improvement. Have the convictions of your convictions. Do not change your life's path because of the opinions of others, and do not pit yourself against other individuals. You do you.

●     Make a concerted effort to make your life better. Outline your objectives, strategies, and timetable. Know about resources that can assist you in achieving it. Start by breaking the overall goal into short-term milestones and making a plan for what to do first.

●     Clarify your objective. It should be based on your goals, needs, and abilities. Understand why you would want this objective and how it will benefit you and others.

●     Keep your desired outcome in mind at all times. Review your goal each morning when you wake up.

●     Make an effort to look at what you have achieved every day. Even if it is something really small, it is still working toward the end that you desire. Let’s say you have a big meeting coming up in a week. Did you prepare today? Did you brainstorm? Are you doing your part to be ready? Ask yourself these questions.

Moving on, we will look at the foundations that constitute good communication, and how you can develop habits that contribute to it.

Chapter 4: The Basics of Communication

“If you can just communicate, you can get by; but if you communicate skillfully, you can work miracles.” — Jim Rohn

Let us begin by looking at a very simple thing. When we communicate, what are we hoping to achieve? Communication is not the same as talking, because when we are doing the latter, we are just speaking a bunch of words without giving credence to the thoughts or feelings of others. Oxford Languages looks at communication as the conveyance or exchange of information verbally, in writing, or through some other means. The key word that I would like to draw your focus to is the exchange. Communication is not concerned with one party talking and just going on saying what is on their mind. It is an exchange between two people, which involves both sharing and expressing their opinions about the particular issue of interest.

The ability to communicate effectively is a vital component of all relationships, and it is a fundamental component of any successful collaboration. In all relationships, one is bound to experience conflict, but having an effective communication style will help you overcome disagreements and strengthen your connection. Communication allows you to convey to others what you are going through and what you require in order to be happy, while also being open to listening to what they have to say to you. Communication is extremely beneficial to relationships; it allows you to maintain connections with others while also satisfying your personal needs.

Communication is a technique that allows us to exert our influence over others, bring about shifts in our own and others' attitudes, motivate others in our immediate and extended surroundings, and develop and sustain relationships with those individuals. Communication is an important component of our busy lives and is considered a social activity. Simply by virtue of this, it is far more than simply employing the tool of speech. It entails tailoring what you say while taking into consideration the impact your words have on others, as well as taking into account other factors, such as location, body language, and temperaments.

As a matter of fact, for communication to happen, there has to be the presence of a few conditions. Each of these conditions in turn have their own steps and facets. Let us take some time to look at these.

●     Communication begins with the source. The source is the creator of the channel of communication. It is responsible for the first step, which is imagining the thread of communication that will take place. So, let’s say that you wish to discuss a trip with your friend. In this case, you are the source of the communication since you have imagined a trip, the details of which you will now create and share with your friend.

As the source, you have the responsibility for determining the initial message content, plus how you are going to present it. The next step for you is to determine the manner in which you will present your message, what should be said first, what can wait, how to prioritize a particular aspect, and so on.

The third step is to share the information that you have prepared with your friend, who is the receiver. You can convey this verbally, face-to-face or virtually via call, text, or mail. As the source, you have the added responsibility of gauging the receiver's reaction and understanding whether anything needs to be altered on the basis of their responses.

●     The next condition is the presence of a message. In this hypothetical situation, the message is the trip that you wish to share with your friend and all the details it encompasses. When sharing a message, the meaning you impart will depend on not just your words but also your body language, tone, and willingness to modify the original message depending on how the receiver responds. There are other facets, like proper grammar and organization so that the most important points are prioritized.

Your appearance, and the environment in which you are sharing your message, also has a lot to do with how it will be perceived. For instance, say that you meet your friend right before they have to attend an important work meeting and tell them they must go on a trip with you. This will obviously not fetch the response you are looking for. You want the environment to be peaceful and cheerful, something in which your friend is also free-minded and willing to have a conversation with you.

●     Next, we have the channel. This is basically the facilitator that allows the conversation to flow from you (the source) to the recipient. Whenever a message is being imparted, there has to be the use of a medium. Think about it! The world runs on communication, and without channels, the world itself would stop functioning. Political news from around the globe would not reach us, the current age of work from home (given the pandemic) would not be applicable, and we would have no clue of anything that’s happening outside our immediate setting!

So, when we communicate, we use a channel. If it is a face-to-face conversation, this channel becomes our mouth, through which we impart the messages. Our hands, body movements, and tone, all contribute to the gravity of this channel. Similarly, channels can include telephones, emails, messages, voice memos, and web-based meeting platforms, like Google Meet and Zoom. Written channels would also include newspapers, blogs, and magazines, which help us to communicate with a broader audience.

●     The next essential component is the receiver, who is responsible for receiving and interpreting your message. As the recipient, they will listen to what you have to say, and they also may be required to demonstrate other senses, like touch, taste, or smell so that the concerned message is properly interpreted. For instance, if you are communicating how upset you are about a particular event, they may respond by touching you empathetically to ensure you understand that they are there for you.

You must remember that the recipient and you are two completely different people. You may wish for your message to be interpreted in a particular way, but they may take a whole other route of understanding. So, it is crucial for you to be as clear and transparent as you can when you communicate, and to make sure that your tone is respectful and friendly (unless of course, the two of you are quibbling, in which case, make your anger known, but still be as respectful as possible!).

●     The next essential component is feedback. When the recipient is responding to your communication, they are essentially giving you feedback on your initial ideas. This feedback covers messages that they send back to you, and these messages are composed of how they perceive the information you have shared with them. Are they happy about it? Would they like to change something? Is there a particular aspect that they would like to draw attention to? Do they have any suggestions? These are all questions that are answered via feedback.

Good feedback is important in order to increase the transparency of your communication. The more you understand what your audience has in their minds, and whether something that you have said has irritated them—and if yes, why it has affected them in this way—the more you will be in a position to modify your statements.

For instance, let’s say that your friend (the recipient) and you (the source) have agreed upon a particular place to visit; however, you have chosen a hotel that they do not like. If they do not communicate this with you clearly, then you would go ahead and book this hotel. This will lead to a lot of problems and discomfort later. On the other hand, if your friend clarifies that they are not comfortable staying in this hotel and gives you a legitimate reason for it, you can modify your response and come to an agreement that satisfies both of you. That is the power of feedback.

●     For communication to be facilitated, there has to be a context. Context forms the foundation for the entire communication between the source and the recipients. For instance, if you wish to talk about travel plans, there has to be a context to it, a build-up if you will. This context gives the tone and the setting to what you have to say. A conversation does not occur in a vacuum; it is part of a larger process. The situation in which information is communicated is referred to as the context.

The context aids in the establishment of meaning and can have an impact on what is being said and how it will be said. You won’t begin a conversation about traveling by saying something like, “I enjoy coffee” (unless the sole purpose of your trip is to get good coffee!). You’ll say something like, “I found this amazing place, and we are both so busy all the time. How does a trip sound?” It lays the ground for what is expected, and how both of you can arrive at an agreeable conclusion.

●     Of course, a given in any good communication is the environment around you. This is basically the setting within which the information is being exchanged between your friend and you. This also includes settings, like what you are wearing, whether the event is formal or informal, and whether you are meeting over lunch, dinner, or just for coffee.

When you go out for lunch or dinner, the setting is more formal, while a coffee date is much more relaxed and leaves room for casual discussions. The environment is important if you think about it. For instance, say you have to talk about traveling plans, and you decide that the best place to do that is at a movie theater. Of course, you would never do that because the outcome would be hilarious! How would you discuss anything when there’s so much action happening on the screen in front of you?

●     Finally, we have noise, which can lead to unwanted interruptions. This is something that you have to be careful about, particularly if you are conversing about something serious or have a serious discussion planned. If you have a serious conversation planned, you don’t want to do it in a place where there will be blazing car horns, or loud music, or too many people talking. You want a quiet place with minimal distractions.

Loud noise serves as a deterrent merely by ensuring that a person cannot hear everything that is being said. Background noise may cause the listener to misinterpret the message, as it becomes difficult to focus on specific elements of the sound/message when there is a lot of interference.

When you want to communicate but are having a hard time because of heavy background noise, you may find yourself talking louder so that your speech can be heard. You might even shout or scream, and this can be a problem. If you focus on being louder, you may lose track of what you are saying. In this case, your listeners won't understand you.

Again, if you want to have a light and fun conversation, you could choose an informal environment, like a park where you can take a stroll and talk about what you have in mind. Always remember that external environments influence the clarity of what you say, so choose your environment carefully.

This sums up this chapter! In the next one, we are going to cover different aspects of body language, and how it can impact your communication patterns.

Chapter 5: Essential Body Language

“You can tell a lot by someone’s body language.” — Harvey Wolter

You may not be intentionally aware of this, but body language makes a huge difference in the way your message is perceived by the recipient in communication. The body language of the recipient also influences the way a source feels about the information that they have shared. It is one of the most important factors influencing how messages are perceived and whether they are treated as constructive or otherwise.

When I was learning the simple science behind communicating, one of the earliest things that I was told to work on was my body language. This left me a bit confused initially. I did not have an inkling that the way I stood, the way I moved my eyes or hunched my back or gestured with my arms had anything to do with how I was communicating. But the more I learned about body language, the more obvious it became!

I mean, just think about it. Our bodies are tell-tale signs of how we feel about something. When we are really excited, our hand gestures become frantic, our eyes light up, our tone becomes animated, and we often move around while talking because we are not able to contain our excitement. If we are sad, our eyelids droop, we look upset, our tone becomes heavy and hesitant. If we are angry, we talk in loud tones and flail our arms about. If we feel guilty or insecure, our eyes often refuse to make direct contact with the audience, making us appear shifty and incapable of making sound decisions.

Everything we communicate owes an aspect of it’s being to our body language.

Body language is a collection of nonverbal cues that you employ to convey your emotions and intentions to other people. Among the body's motions are such things as facial expressions (like smiling or scowling), gestures (like using your hands), and distances between the parties communicating. Your ability to read and analyze body language may assist you in identifying problems or bad emotions in others that are not expressed verbally.

You have to learn to utilize language and actions in a constructive manner to support your spoken statements and make them more persuasive.

Nonverbal communication is aided greatly by the use of nonverbal body language. One thing to keep in mind at all times is the degree of formality that is required for a particular conversation. It will not be suitable for you to joke or laugh in a professional communication situation, while doing so in a casual discussion with friends would be perfectly acceptable and maybe even desirable.

When somebody is listening to us communicate, they are not just hearing what we say. They are taking into account our levels of comfort while we speak, whether we are passionate about the topic, whether we are confident, whether our eyes are focused or shifty, whether we are fumbling with our hands, and twenty other things that we may not have the slightest awareness of.

Research suggests that when we communicate, only 35% of the communication is verbal. This means that the other 65% is non-verbal communication, mandated by other factors, primary of which is body language (Foley & Gentile, 2010).

So, now that you know this, you also know that regardless of your personal feelings and whims, when you are communicating with someone else, your message must be conveyed with clean and good body language. It is the only way to reduce ambiguity between you and the recipient. Here are some pointers to get you started on the right foot.

Before we look at things that you should do, let us look at a few that you should not.

●     Remember that positive body language is a sign of someone being approachable and open to a healthy, constructive discussion. It helps others to feel that they are not being threatened or having to listen to someone who has no interest in what they are saying. It makes you approachable and likely to earn respect from your recipients. So, never use defensive body language. This puts others off of you and makes it seem as if you are not open to any healthy discussion.

Don’t show disinterest in anything that the recipients have to say, whether as feedback or criticism. This makes you appear vain and irresponsible, and may also lead to negative outcomes in your career opportunities.

●     Try to not show closed body language. People with open dispositions are outspoken, engaging, and interactive in their interactions with others. When they are speaking, they have a tendency to utilize their hands a lot. Because they constantly seem welcoming and honest, it is simple to connect with individuals who utilize open body language.

They constantly seem to be eager to engage in a constructive conversation. People with tight personalities are more likely to be hiding their true intentions. They have a tendency to cross their arms and legs, to keep their hands close to their bodies when speaking, and to talk in a monotone.

●     Finally, be assertive without being rude. There’s a world of difference between the two. When you are assertive, you get your point across but also look into feedback from others. When you are rude, you say what you have to and don’t listen to anything that others have to offer you. Don’t be in the second category. Always, always choose the road that is more constructive.

Now, here are some things to do!

●     Begin by having a clear idea of what it is that you want to convey. Be prepared before you communicate something to others, because if you go in without any preparation, it often becomes a veritable hotpot.

Have you noticed that when we communicate spontaneously, we often lose the thread of what we are saying, and two minutes into the conversation, we are communicating about something totally different than what we intended? This can be a problem, so if it is an important communication, always be prepared. Some things will be spontaneous, but if the main point is clear, the rest will flow.

●     Always try keeping your back straight while you stand. Slouching and hunching may also give off the appearance of being uninspired and lazy. If you seem weak or sluggish, you'll have trouble finding someone who wants to speak to you. People like an active personality. In addition, poor standing posture is a sign of low self-esteem.

A straight back provides the appearance of being confident and self-assured. In addition, having a good stature makes a positive first impression. Your message will be conveyed with far more clarity and positivity if you don't give the appearance that is weighing heavy on you.

●     Try to refrain from placing your hands in your pockets when communicating with another person. This position demonstrates a lack of respect. Remember that your body language is more expressive when you use your arms, and that arms tell others a lot about how you feel and what you're interested in.

If you are interested in and passionate about your topic of conversation, make sure that you are conveying it with your hands. That doesn’t mean you need to flap them like you’re a bird. Simply keep them out, extend them when you talk, and think of them as channels that are giving meaning to your words. Practice at home in front of a mirror if need be.

●     Always face your audience. Do not look sideways or have your back to them. If you do that, it gives the appearance that you want to be done with the conversation as soon as possible and don’t want to look at them when you are talking. The ideal thing to do is to be directly facing each other. Don’t stand with your arms crossed because this gives the impression that you are defensive or angry. This scares others. Always keep your stance forward and neutral.

●     Don’t waver or shift your eyes when communicating with someone. The eyes are truly pathways to how you are feeling about something, and if you are not passionate, it will show in the way you move them.

When your eyes are not involved in communicating with others, it often looks as if you are scared or intimidated by them. This may make them feel that the conversation will go nowhere, even before it has started.

Worse still, it makes you appear guilty.

When I was an angsty teen, I would often not be able to face my parents when I had done something deviant, like going for the extra piece of cake they had so carefully kept in the refrigerator because I got hungry at eleven pm.

The funny thing is that my parents never made a big deal out of it, but it was later on that I realized that whenever I was asked about it, or anytime I was confronted with something that I had done wrong, I would always avoid making eye contact.

It's a pattern that almost all of us follow, so try your best to never do this when communicating. Whatever are you guilty for? You're just trying to share something with your audience! And even if you are clarifying an error, always look at them. This shows you are accepting your mistake and willing to work on it.

●     When you're attempting to project authority, keep your head up and shoulders back. When talking, tilting the head is a typical part of the body movement. We may nod our heads when we concur with what is said, we can tilt our heads to express compassion and to connect to what someone else is saying, or we may shake our heads to reassure someone who is feeling uncertain.

While it is understandable that there are times and places when it is appropriate to tilt your head, when you want to portray a sense of authority, it is best to maintain your head as straight and neutral as possible.

●     Finally, remember that limb mobility is acceptable. Your enthusiasm, curiosity, and a desire to communicate clearly will be communicated through your movements and gestures in addition to your words. Take care not to clench your fists, and make sure your palms are open. Additionally, you should maintain a comfortable stance, whether you are sitting or standing.

Look confident and always smile when you are talking about something that is passionate to you. Nod often so that the people you are conversing with understands how interested you are in listening to them. These are all things that will get you a receptive and focused audience.

Did you know that a major part of communication has nothing to do with what you say at all? When you really think about it, listening is a skill, and a very important one at that. Listening enables you to be receptive to what you have said, and it also allows you to understand where you may have made points that need to be modified or altered. The better you are as a listener, the more your overall communication will benefit. In the next chapter, we will look at the role of listening in communication.

Chapter 6: Listening Skills Are A Superpower

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” — Stephen Covey

It is often said that a great amount of successful communication depends upon how the communication is received. When we are talking to someone else, we are sharing information with someone. This means that this information has to be perceived, interpreted, and understood by them. Obviously, when the recipient does this, they will form an opinion about what we have initially communicated to them. Good communication is mandated on listening to and being receptive to these opinions, and the feedback that our recipients share with us.

Active listening demonstrates respect and maturity. Active listening shows respect and consideration for the presenter or other participants in the conversation. When you are constantly interrupting and not listening, it is difficult to have a meaningful and enlightening conversation. It feels as if you are just trying to make your point heard and that there cannot be anything more important. This leaves no room for constructive discussion.

Think about it. Whenever you are in the presence of a good speaker, they will always leave room for questions. They will ask you what you have felt during the communication session, how you have interpreted things, and whether you have any suggestions on what can be done better. This means that they are making room for you to speak, so that they can listen to you. Successful communication is built on this.

What Makes Listening Such a Vital Skill?

Listening is, without a doubt, the most essential skill in any conversation. Listening is a vital element of every discussion. It assists in better understanding the other party's or the presenter's point of view. Paying attention to and understanding the other group or individual takes up more than half of any conversation or communication.

When we listen carefully, there is minimal space for misinterpretation of what others have to say. In many cases, we are in a hurry to interpret things, which may result in a scenario where we only hear what we want to hear, rather than hearing everything. A frequent consequence of bad communication is miscommunication, which is one of the most prevalent consequences of poor communication. When two individuals aren't paying attention to each other, it's extremely simple to misunderstand something or misinterpret the meaning of someone else's words.

Many times, miscommunications are not a huge issue, but there are instances when they may have serious ramifications. Consider the following scenario: our employer has informed us that we would get a promotion if we submit a satisfactory end-of-term report. We don't pay attention to the whole thread; the only section that we pay attention to is the "promotion" portion of it. This has the potential to create a great deal of trouble, especially if it causes us to become lazy, and as a result, we do not get the promotion.

Listening allows you to position yourself as someone on whom others can depend. A good friend is typically someone we can turn to when we need to vent or express our concerns. Sometimes, we may find someone in our social circle who's ready to support us during times of crisis and listen to our emotional outpouring. This makes this individual loved, accepted, and great company. He or she has no connection to our situations but accepts us nonetheless.

We don't always need advice; often, all we need is someone to pay attention to what we have to say. Being a good listener is a skill; being able to provide support and encouragement and healing is something that everyone can benefit from. The capacity to listen is certainly undervalued in our daily lives, and it deserves more credit.

Problems may be solved more effectively with good listening skills. Many problems may be addressed by taking the trouble to understand everyone's points of view.

Listening leaves little-to-no room for uncomfortable conflicts. The fact that both sides are inadequate listeners contributes to most of the disputes that happen because you just don’t want to hear what the other side has to say. Not listening to others may annoy people in critical conversations and may also cause some confusion.

I remember an incident from a long time back just as it happened yesterday. This involves one of my dearest friends when I was just getting to know them. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I needed someone to just listen to me.

In this case, I wasn't really trying to be the source of the communication, rather what I thought I wanted was someone to advise me on what to do.

It turned out what I really wanted was a space to vent. I did not realize this back then, but what mediated our relationship was the fact that this person chose to be around and to listen to me even in situations where they had called me, and I was supposed to be on the listening end.

Sometimes, it's important to understand that even as communicators, some situations need us to be listeners first.

A deep connection exists between being heard and feeling appreciated. You may or may not be convinced, but you can't lose by just listening to another perspective on the matter, as it may assist in keeping tensions down in the long term. When people are at ease, differences become clear, and it is easy to see when everyone is calm about being able to navigate a sticky situation without falling into conflict.

Listening is essential for building long-term relationships. Every effective relationship is built on communication. The capacity to actively and effectively listen fosters communication and, as a result, forms stronger relationships and friendships.

Finally, listening helps with personal development: greater listening culminates in a much more complete everyday life. When a good listener is available, they are seen as informed people who can understand and empathize with others. We have more emotional connections and encounter fewer unpleasant situations in our daily lives when we have great listening skills.

Now that we know why listening is so important, let us look at some things you can practice to enhance your listening skills.

●     Once again, employ more positive body language. Calm and open body language demonstrates one is a good listener. They seem engaged in what is being said, as they lean forward. There are a variety of emotions shown in their faces, from a grin to concern to empathy, and many more.

By giving the speaker these signs, you are telling them that they are being listened to. If your friend is feeling stressed, remember to comfort them in a gentle way. Many people dislike pity and would like to avoid it altogether. Instead, comfort them, without making them feel like you're better than them.

●     Make your audience feel at ease, especially if they are about to share something personal with you. By expressing a positive attitude toward the message, you may provide the speaker with emotional support. Demonstrate that you are interested in hearing what is being said. A smile, eye contact, or an encouraging remark, such as, "Of course, please tell me about it" or "Please go ahead. I'm listening" are all effective ways to encourage others.

●     Do not get involved immediately. Some people think it's normal, even conducive to come up with a quick, instant answer to another person's problem while still taking in information from that person. Change the mind-set to not take what others say at face value and take some time to listen to them and come up with a solution to their problem only if they ask for it. To truly listen to someone, you have to focus less on all of the potential answers to their problems and more on the details of what is concerning them.

●     Pay attention to the other person's input. Afterward, if at all, you may try to help. Keep the interruptions to a minimum. Hearing and understanding another person is challenging since we are bombarded with noise around us at all times. Keeping distractions and disruptions, like phone calls, to a minimum is critical for being able to listen to what someone is saying, and to truly make sense of it without misconstruing it.

We have often heard that we should avoid small talk. And in certain situations, like formal conversations or meetings, that is very true! But in other situations, small talk is often welcome and can also be a much needed ice-breaker. In the next chapter, we will look at what small talk is and how to effectively include it in your day-to-day communication.

Chapter 7: Mastering Small Talk

“Night air, good conversation, and a sky full of stars can heal almost any wound.” — Beau Taplin

Are you someone who’s all too familiar with the phrase: come to the point? Oh, this phrase can wreak havoc in the minds of the most seasoned communicators! It can make us feel that we have been sharing useless information, that we don’t know how to present ourselves, and that we are embarrassing ourselves. This can turn us off the very concept of small talk.

Which is not right.

Because small talk is really essential. It is the cornerstone of most good communication flows.

Think. When do we really rely on small talk? When we are getting to know someone. This is because small talk becomes an essential way of getting to know details about them, like where they are from, what they like to do, their likes and dislikes and hobbies, where they work, whether they are married, and so on. You cannot go into a conversation with somebody new and just begin with, “Hello, this needs to be done.” Before getting to the body of the conversation, you have to take time to build an introduction. Good small talk covers this introduction.

Pleasantries help us start a discussion that is used to introduce ourselves. Contacting and connecting with others through small talk is a method of establishing and maintaining relationships that will last for a longer period of time. It is intended to provide you with contact points with companions, fellow employees, peers, and others that will last for a longer period of time.

Cooperative efforts are lubricated by your social connections with other people, not by your own efforts. The ability to connect socially with others requires that you be able to make small talk. Having short discussions about subjects other than the job that you're doing helps to strengthen the connection between you and another individual, which helps more goal-directed interactions and requests go more easily.

You may fine-tune the things that you want to say in small talk, and you will quickly discover that this is an efficient and helpful method of developing and expanding your network.

Nature, films, entertainment, sports, and articles in the news, among other things, are some of the most popular small talk themes, as are a variety of other subjects. For successful communication, you need to understand what your audience knows and doesn't know. A lot of what you communicate may include fresh data that goes beyond what your audience knows about you. As a result, small talk becomes a means for the provider of information to elicit some crucial information about the receiver from the recipient.

Most importantly, small talk helps you establish an easy, friendly relationship with others.

When we meet someone for the first time, small talk takes on a particular importance. This is our opportunity to create a solid first impression. People make snap judgments about us in seconds. Chitchat allows us to expose the outermost layer of our personalities. We utilize it to keep our inner selves safe and secure. The uncontroversial subjects and light banter connected with small talk enable us to withhold information that should be shared at a later stage, once we are more intimately connected. It isn’t possible to share these parts of ourselves at the get go. That takes time. In the meantime, small talk ensures that we still have little things to talk about so that silence doesn’t become awkward or overwhelming.

Consider meeting someone for the first time. It won’t be possible for you to share your life’s story with them in a day, right? So, small talk makes up for those gaps, until you are ready to share more. When two individuals find themselves in the same place, it's common for chitchat to be exchanged to fill the void of quiet. Silence may be a source of discomfort.

It's impossible to resist engaging in chitchat. The capacity to engage in successful small talk is a social skill that may be learned. It is possible to improve your small talk skills and create a favorable first impression.

●     Firstly, remember that first impressions, while subjective, can leave a lasting impact as to who you are with the recipients of your communication. So, try to ensure that the flow of your communication is relaxed and self-assured. When we think of small talk, there are two kinds that come to my mind. One is the supremely awkward kind, which makes us cringe and think, why would they say that? and the other is something that comforts us and makes us feel welcome.

●     Secondly, choose something generic while engaging in small talk. Try not to share anything too personal about yourself. Comment on something general, ask the recipient about their hobbies, and best thing: ask them about their likes and dislikes so that you can find a common ground on which you can build your communication.

●     Thirdly, always smile and nod when you are engaging in small talk. Regardless of how trivial the information is, it should not seem as if you are uninterested in what you are saying. Remember that this will be a foundation for you to build other things, so with this in mind, always be interested in what you are talking about.

●     Make sure that the recipient of your communication is feeling comfortable and at ease with what you are saying. At no point should it feel as if something you have said has made them feel awkward or out-of-place. So, always maintain an easy posture, and if someone says that they are not comfortable sharing something, simply say a congenial thing like, “That’s absolutely fine, we can talk about something else,” and move the conversation to a more generalized topic, like films or music.

●     Always listen to what the other person is saying very carefully. You may think this is a given, but trust me, you don’t want to miss out important details. Say that they have just told you that they have an important allergy, like peanuts. You don’t pay attention, and in your next meeting, you order a dish that is usually made with peanuts. This would potentially be a disaster!

I cannot stress the importance of listening carefully enough, because when you do this, you are truly trying to learn little things about the other person that will help you establish common ground with them.

●     Try to keep a list of safe topics in mind, particularly if it is the first time you are communicating with someone. There are always some things that everyone can talk about without feeling foolish or overwhelmed. This includes topics like favorite food, favorite colors and things to do, favorite films, why they like certain films or books, who their favorite actors are and what they like about them, whether they are fond of social media and why.

These topics are all general and everyone will have something to say about them. Just be mindful of this when you go into an early communication.

●     Show genuine enthusiasm for what others tell you, even if a particular taste may not appeal to you. Your audience may love Tom Hanks, and you may not. But, listen. Find out why they like him, what films they have seen, and what they think about these films. Listen so that you can understand what appeals to your audience, because when people talk about their favorite things, they are really revealing little things about themselves that you can use to build strong bonds with time.

Talking to strangers is a chance to both grow and learn something new. If you want to know someone and find out what they're all about, be open and engage with them. Showing genuine interest will open the door to additional conversation and will establish a good tone for any further encounters.

●     Be completely present in the discussion that you have. Don’t use your phone, don’t check your email or social media or do anything else that will take attention away from the person in front of you. Remember that they are sharing parts of their daily lives with you in the hope that it will lead to a common connection. So pay attention with your full mind and be present.

●     Let the other person talk. Don’t dominate the conversation, and remember that an essential component of small talk is letting the other person talk while you ask them questions about them and letting them introduce themselves to you. Let the conversation flow between the receiver and you, and make sure that this conversation is built on trying to find out more about them, while you also give out subtle details about yourself.

●     Finally, enjoy yourself! Don’t think of this as something of an essential and mundane task. Rather, look at it as something exciting and something that is helping you to get to know a completely new person! You never know where this association may take you! You might just find a topic that interests you both, and when that happens, trust me, the connections you form are cherishable. So, take time to really get to know the person with whom you are conversing, and have fun in the process.

Another important thing to remember when it comes to the art of making small talk is to understand the context. Small talk often gets a bad reputation for being trivial and unnecessary. I have made this mistake a couple of times when my friends have come and told me that they are tired of small talk and that they want to have a real, open-ended conversation. It is important to be able to identify when a situation is heavy and demands a serious discussion and when the mood is appropriate for engaging in small talk.

Remember that when we are referring to small talk what we are really talking about are things, like ice breakers that will help you to understand the person better. These are great when we get to know a person in the initial stages or when we are meeting them after a long period of time and need something to get over the initial awkwardness or silences.

Of course, the next natural thing we come to is: how do you begin a successful conversation? How do you set the right tone and mood? And this is exactly what we will cover in the next chapter!

Chapter 8: Starting A Conversation With Anybody

“I feel that in my first conversation with someone, I really get a good feeling about who that person is and mainly about how open they are.” — Elisabeth Shue

A lot of eventual discussions will begin on that first conversation that you build with someone. There’s a lot of important things that you can build up during that first conversation, a lot that you can get to know, and a lot that will dictate how you need to approach someone.

Why do you need conversation so much? I could talk about this for ages, but let me sum up the most important points!

●     Firstly, conversation is necessary for communication because when people do not talk, they generate speculation about things that do not exist. People often jump to conclusions without considering other options when they are coming from different directions. Even textual communication methods lose a lot of their original intent and manner of delivery when not done in person.

When you don’t encourage dialogue, a lot of what you want to convey gets lost in translation. When I was growing up, I found that a lot of the conversations went sour because I had conveyed something to someone over the phone or message, and it had reached others very differently. So, always have a conversation where all of you are present, and you can talk directly with everyone who is present. This is particularly important if you are trying to convey something to a group.

●     Conversation is an effective method for collecting information. Talking about someone else's travel experiences, for example, may offer you with valuable knowledge for your own. Couples must speak freely and not assume that the other person can read their minds. It is beneficial in the long run to avoid conflict.

Again, a personal instance: I always found that my best relationships were the ones where I made an effort with the initial conversations. This was because I laid out everything in these initial talks, getting to know the others, finding out about their likes and dislikes, and everything I needed to know to make sure that others were comfortable in my presence.

●     Conversation sparks creativity and promotes collaboration. The first conversations can be the starting points of lasting relationships. Talking and discussing a topic with someone may provide you with feedback on how to enhance it further.

When your first conversation is constructive, you come up with a lot of important ideas that you can work on. First conversations are building blocks to lasting relationships, and you often find things that you have in common, which can also be especially helpful to new couples and friends.

Every relationship requires a dialogue to survive: Where there is no communication, relationships are doomed. However, it is not just about romantic connections. Friends and family members must converse in order to stay connected. Because when the conversation is vibrant, so is the relationship.

With all this being said, how do you start a good conversation with someone?

If the thought of being in a room filled with people is your image of a horrible nightmare, the prospect of attending a party or business function may be intimidating. These kinds of social settings may be particularly challenging if you are introverted, timid, or socially nervous in your personality type.

Preparing ahead of time may help to alleviate worry and stress. To feel confident about your presentation, mentally go over everything you want to discuss and perhaps think about rehearsing with a colleague. The first step in becoming a fantastic communicator is to be well prepared for the discussion.

The fundamental principles of etiquette that govern every discussion are critical. These establish the tone for the rest of your speech.

●     Maintain a courteous demeanor. Avoid expressing offensive or contentious things while you're speaking, and do not become too defensive or protective of your opinions. Please recognize that you're in the presence of outsiders, and avoid making anybody feel uncomfortable in any way. The importance of first impressions cannot be overstated.

●     Maintain a gentle touch. You should avoid launching into an emotional tirade or sharing a personal tragedy unless that is the tone of the discussion and you are both discussing weighty subjects.

●     Don't get too worked up over what you want to say; instead, be calm and open. Communicate with them as though you are already acquainted.

●     Be forthright. Don't be afraid to be yourself. People are able to tell.

●     Maintain an optimistic attitude. Instead of opening with a negative comment or a complaint, start with something nice, such as mentioning how beautiful the day is, or how much you like the bar or restaurant where you are now located.

●     Talk about the people in your neighborhood. People take pleasure in their homes and the activities they enjoy in their neighborhoods, so if you reside in the same neighborhood, you may connect over how wonderful it is. After that, you may get a little more personal and speak about locations where you've lived in the past.

●     Inquire about the person's favorite recreational activities. Perhaps you'll discover that you share some common interests with one another.

Some great liners to start a conversation:

●     “Whoever put this together really deserves a pat on the back!”

●     “The coffee here is so good! Would you like to try it with me?”

●     “Oh, it is beautiful weather, isn’t it? What do you usually do on weekends?”

●     “I heard you speak when we were at so and so’s place! I love your positivity.”

●     “The weather today is quite chilly, but the forecast predicts tomorrow will be bright and nice.”

Start a discussion by demonstrating your concern for the other person. Make them believe that you are actively participating in the conversation. It's possible to create a friendship with someone who had no prior connection to you by making them feel as if you really care about what they have to share and that their feelings count.

If the other person believes you're talking only for the sake of getting your own opinions out, they'll cut you off instantly. Instead, direct your whole body and attention on that individual, maintaining eye contact without becoming overly intense. Allow the individual sufficient personal space while also demonstrating that the individual has your full attention.

Be pleasant to one another. You don't have to come up with a fifteen-minute set if you don't want to, but telling a few jokes and sharing an amusing anecdote may help to make people feel more comfortable and get things moving. You'll be amazed at how sharing humorous anecdotes may encourage others to share their own. Everyone enjoys a good laugh, and laughing helps others feel more at ease as well.

This is a great approach to lighten the mood of individuals who are feeling uptight and to encourage them to start chatting. Make use of your wit to attract the person's attention. Demonstrate you can be humorous and have a quick wit. Use a brief, humorous, and entertaining tale if you've got one, since they help maintain interest. Don't deliver a lengthy tale that you haven't rehearsed beforehand since you don’t know how the audience will take to it.

Ask open-ended questions and avoid direct inquiries. One of the best ways to start a discussion is to ask questions, but people should not feel like they are being probed if you ask them anything. Do not bombard the individual with inquiries without first providing feedback and engaging in meaningful conversation with them.

There's nothing worse than having the sensation that you're trying to torture them for information.

The other person will get uncomfortable and will be left scrambling to end the discussion when you keep asking a lot of questions. Inquire about simple things like their hobbies or interests. Talk about something entertaining. Don't talk about personal tragedies that may make them feel uncomfortable or out-of-place.

Make the other person enjoy both the topic of the discussion and the actual chat. Make certain that you are participating as well. There should be equal give-and-take between the two of you, so that it feels as if you are in the discussion together, participating as equals.

And that’s it! Also remember that listening is an important component of having a good conversation, so try to be open to whatever the other person is sharing with you. When they are saying something, really listen. Don’t make a show of feigned interest, because if you do that, they may ask you a question and catch you off your guard. If this happens, it will be awkward for the both of you.

I think the most important thing you can do to have an open-ended conversation is to just go easy. When you walk into a situation with too many expectations, there will be problems. As humans, one of our biggest problems is to attach too much to others, we look at other people in terms of what we would like them to be.

This is counterintuitive, because other people and especially strangers, will not behave a certain way simply because that is your expectation of them.

When you go into a conversation with this understanding, you automatically become more flexible. And when you are flexible, you become comfortable with everything that may happen. There is always the off chance that a first conversation may not go your way, and this should not leave you feeling insecure or deflated.

If this happens, just remind yourself that it is not possible for two people to always be compatible or on the same wavelength. You do your part, be open to whatever happens, and if this much is done, the rest will fall into place.

Now, when we converse with someone, an instant mood killer can happen in the form of awkward silences. To be honest, we have all been there. Sometimes, these silences are so jarring that they kill conversations completely, and both sides leave with a sour taste in their mouths. In the next chapter, we will look at what an awkward silence is, why it happens, and what you can do to prevent it.

Chapter 9: Preventing Awkward Silences

“There is nothing quite as painful as a truly awkward silence.” — Obert Skye

Oh, do I know how excruciating this feels.

When I was growing up, one of the biggest challenges about learning to converse with people was getting over the times there were awkward silences. We all go through these phases, little things and pauses in talking with others that makes us feel like, Oh my God what am I going to say? How do I take a turn from this? How do I make sure that this doesn't get any more awkward?

When this happens, it is usually because all parties in the conversation are at a loss for what to say because the thread has gone off in a direction that they do not comprehend. This can be a particular problem in spontaneous conversation—often because we do not plan what we are going to say beforehand, and therefore, we are more prone to say things that become unsavory or unacceptable in certain social conditions.

Silent moments arise as a result of two out-of-depth people recognizing their own uneasiness at the same time. Ironically, each person believes that they are responsible for the uncomfortable quiet. In any discussion, however, there is always someone who is a bit more confident than the individual they are conversing with. The one who feels the most secure is the one who is in charge of leading the discussion since they have a much more solid base.

When the individual who has the greatest assurance or confidence in the discussion does not take the initiative, that person is showing their uncertainty. The whole discussion is rendered pointless for both parties as a result of this conduct. There can also be a lot of confusion about how to carry a discussion forward, and sometimes, it can also be a breeding ground for resentment because people become afraid of communicating when they don’t understand a particular situation, but may later on feel that they never got a chance to even speak. It’s tricky, for sure.

Right off the bat, I will say that if you have had these kinds of silences, please do not feel as if it is your fault. Even the most seasoned speaker will tell you that they have been part of conversations where they have felt extremely out of depth and outside of the zone of comfort, and that the silence has been so debilitating that they have wanted to run off from the conversation altogether! What makes all the difference is understanding why the silences happen and not being afraid. This allows you to look for constructive solutions to forward and to ensure that the conversation picks back up.

Before we look at tips to avoid these silences, here are some pointers you must remember.

●     Firstly, all conversations will have silences. This is natural and also necessary. Pauses in your conversation will allow you to process how you feel about a certain thing that has been said and to form your opinions about what has been said. It is crucial for these pauses in order to allow you to develop your own voice and an understanding and to also reciprocate what other people are saying.

●     People who are concerned about uncomfortable silences are frequently ready to point the blame at themselves when the discussion comes to a stalemate. When something happens organically, it's usually because of what was being discussed at the time, and if that is something serious, it may just take time to move to another topic.

●     If two people in a conversation went on blabbering, one after the other, there would be no chance of a constructive dialogue because neither of you are taking time to listen or process what the other is saying. So don't characterize all silences as being awkward, and remember that some silence is actually essential.

●     They all may have run out of things to say, and now, they must regroup and decide where to go from here. A smooth transition often occurs when you can finish one discussion and effortlessly think of what to say next.

●     Everyone may stop and consider a point if it is especially thought-provoking or insightful.

●     People may be fatigued, apathetic, or simply have an overwhelming irritability and would prefer to remain silent for a while.

●     Also understand that, sometimes, context is key to understanding why awkward silences happen and whether they are actually awkward at all. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, a particular person may realize that they have said something that they said they should not have, and this can make the silence seem a little unsettling. But it is healthy for you to not approach this kind of a silence in this way and to simply tell the other person that it is fine and they can continue sharing.

This can take two directions from here: either the person will continue talking about the particular topic, or they will bring up something new. Either way, you will have comforted them and made them feel heard.

With this being said, lulls in conversation are slightly unpleasant for everyone involved. Even if you are unable to come up with anything to say immediately, the other person may be able to. Everyone has equal responsibility for ensuring that the conversation continues. So, here are some pointers to keep in mind if things go out of hand.

●     When it comes to your own narrative, it's a good idea to have a number of anecdotes prepared. Consider your hobbies, interests, job, and significant events in your life.

●     The more the number of subjects you can cover, the greater the number of chances the other person will have to find out or be interested in what you know. Talking to someone requires a lot of work if you're interested in engaging them, and you may help lighten your task by encouraging the other person to think of things to discuss with you.

●     Take note of any inconsistencies in the information provided by others.

●     Pay close attention and take note of all the information you may have about what you are hearing. If they've just informed you that they were on the verge of missing the event due to the illness of a family member, inquire as to how this relative is now feeling. If the two of you find that you have been watching a common show, ask them what they thought of the main characters or the villains, and their points of view about different aspects of the show.

●     People often need cues from one another in order to recognize that a subject of discussion is fascinating to both of them.

●     Remove your self-doubt in order to prevent uncomfortable silences.

Often, feeling uncomfortable and personality shortcomings, like self-doubt, result in awkward silences. When you're out socializing, you don't have time to reason yourself out of uneasiness. It's necessary to just shrug it off. If at all possible, keep moving. If you feel that something is out of your depth, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that this isn't a do-all end-all situation. It is okay to be around people, and it is okay to be yourself around them.

Silences do occur from time to time. It all comes down to how you respond to them. If you maintain your composure and control, you will convey the message to yourself and others that what is taking place is completely natural and not at all uncomfortable. Keeping your calm and following one of the ideas below will ensure that the discussion returns to its proper course in no time at all.

When you stop to think about it, short silences between close friends happen all the time. But they are familiar with one another, so they don't fret over the awkward silence and are happy for the quiet moments. Their talks may include as many silences as a conversation between two individuals who have just encountered each other, but they don't seem to be bothered by them, and they don't perceive the interaction as uncomfortable and slow.

The key is to reach a place of comfort and to allow things to flow naturally. Don’t worry if it takes a bit of time to get there because it took me years! The more confident you become, the more comfortable you will be when the conversations fall silent.

On the topic of confidence, an important trait in every good communicator is one of charisma! So, in the next chapter, we will cover how you can build charisma into your personality.

Chapter 10: Developing Your Charisma

“Charisma will sustain a relationship only in the way that strong coffee in the morning will sustain a career.” — Elliot Perlman

Many individuals struggle with the ability to speak confidently in a number of settings, including one-on-one, in groups, or in front of crowds, among others. It is possible for a charismatic person to not only exude confidence in communication but also to assist others in feeling confident, thus assisting and strengthening the communication process. As a result, when someone possesses charisma, they are immediately noticed by the general public.

We look at them and listen to them speak, and we think to ourselves, "Wow, I wish I could think that way!" They recognize that a successful discussion is one where they can engage others and make them feel included. People that are charismatic are self-assured in a good manner, rather than being arrogant or conceited.

It is a personal characteristic that may be seen in the way a person interacts with others and that helps someone have greater influence on other people. This ability to grab attention and get others to listen and follow may be shown in communication by the way someone presents himself or herself (e.g., by how he or she talks, what he or she says, and how he or she appears while speaking).

Charismatic qualities were characterized by the ancient Greeks as traits that were gifts of wealth and grace. This is an appropriate description for those who think that likability is a God-given quality that naturally comes to certain people but not to others. There is a misconception that charisma is something one is born with. Actually, charisma is a talent, something we have to acquire and practice.

Think! How many times have you seen an individual with an ostentatious display of wealth or enviable physical beauty, but as soon as they have opened their mouths to speak, there has been an instant shattering of illusions? If wealth or physical beauty made people charismatic, a lot of our forefathers would not have made it into those history textbooks.

Charisma isn’t something that comes as an add-on quality to being born in a well-to-do family. It is developed. A person's charisma may be influenced by a number of things. They include, but are not constrained to, confidence, enthusiasm, passionate mannerisms, and a powerful personality. People who exude charm are often upbeat and confident in their communication.

With this in mind, let us look at some ways by which you can learn to develop your charisma and be influential in your communications.

Begin by executing more confidence in the way that you speak while conversing with others. Have you noticed that when you are in a particular conversation with people, your eyes and mind are always drawn to the people who show more interest, who have lit-up eyes, and who exhibit a whole aura of being alive?

This does not mean that the other people in the conversation are not present. It simply means that there is this one person who shows an immense amount of involvement via their expressiveness, and when this happens, we are naturally drawn to them.

We feel seen and heard, and so we direct our conversation toward them and want to get to know them better.

So in order to be charismatic, start by learning to be expressive. To do this you can begin practicing at home in front of a mirror. Carefully watch your arm movements, your hands, and all your facial expressions when you are talking. When you are conversing with yourself, always choose a topic that you are passionate about. This will make it easy for you to understand how to be involved with whatever you are saying to the deepest extent possible.

Always supplement what you are saying with stories and personal anecdotes. People love to hear that something being talked about also has connections to real life happenings. We don't want to always hear about things that have no connection to what is going on in the real world. So, when somebody says something and refutes it by saying how it is connected to their life, it makes us feel that the particular topic is more relatable.

Practice the art of understanding the expressions of others. This will take time and patience, but with time, you will get used to reading other people and their feelings about a particular thread of communication. If, at any point of time, you find that the people you are communicating with are not looking at you or directly facing you while you talk, it means that they are losing interest.

Understanding little cues like this will help you realize how they are feeling and whether your words are matching their wavelengths.

Make others feel seen and heard. We have already covered this point in pretty much all the chapters and, truth be told, it is one of the most basic things that you have to do for any successful communication. Make sure that the others in the communication said don't feel as if you are trying to dominate the whole discussion and give them a chance to share their opinion and their feedback.

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, always use simple language. You may be the most well-read person on the planet, but if you fill your speeches with jargon that is difficult to relate to, people will lose interest in what you have to say—no matter how interesting it may be otherwise. So always try to use simple things, such as, “This event happened and these are my feelings about it.” Remember that in most communication threads, people are looking for words and situations that they can connect to, so always try to orient your conversation with this in mind.

We already understand now how important a quality like charisma is in order to captivate your listeners. In the next chapter, we will go into the idea of doing this all the more. One of the most definable characteristics of a successful communication is holding the interest of your audience. Let's look at how that can be achieved.

Chapter 11: How To Captivate Listeners

“Confidence is captivating. It is powerful, and it does not fade—and that is endlessly more interesting than beauty.” — Nina Garcia

I don’t know if you have ever experienced this, but in my case, I have been lucky to hear some amazing communication exchanges. What set the tone of these for me was how captivated I was by the source of the communication. There was always something about these speakers. They had charisma; they had an aura that made you want to pay attention to every single word that came out of their mouths. It wasn’t only about what was said but also about how it was said, the manner in which the original messages reached us.

Why are we so captivated by certain people? If you think about it, it doesn’t really have a lot to do with wealth or physical beauty. That is transient. Sooner or later, even the most beautiful person in the world has to open their mouth to talk, and if what comes out of it is a bunch of garbled nonsense, it will turn us off instantly.

Captivating people become so by virtue of their presence. They carry a certain gravity to them, a certain strength in their bearings and in the way in which they say what they have to. They know how to make a point and do it persuasively. They are very involved in what they do. Most of all, they are confident about the things they believe in. Have you ever heard the phrase confidence is sexy? Captivating people know and use this as a mantra.

Another important thing is that captivating speakers truly feel every word that comes out of their mouths. They speak from their hearts. It is often said that everything you need to know about a person lies in the first conversation you have with them, and more narrowly in the first few minutes of this first conversation. During this little period of time, you will either enchant your audience and persuade them to continue listening, or you will lose their focus and fight through your lecture to recapture their attention again.

The best speeches appeal to the audience's interests. When you learn to express your heart and emotions, within the limits of reason (I don't expect you to start weeping in-front of them—unless the topic of discussion calls for it), you will engage the audience. There's a big difference between expressing yourself honestly and letting out all of your innermost thoughts. It just entails being real about what you say, and allowing the audience to relate to it.

You can be sincere with them, which means you'll have a personal connection. You'll be able to show them that whatever you're discussing is important to you, and they will come to see it as important to them as well. Presenters who talk from the heart realize that it is critical to establish a connection with their audience as soon as they take the stage. Use engaging anecdotes or anything else to make your presentation more interesting and relatable to your audience.

You are not required to share a personal narrative with the audience. A lot of the time, individuals believe that their lives are not noteworthy enough to warrant telling their tale.

However, there is always a narrative. Anything that happens in the world may be utilized to create a narrative, and there is always something interesting to write about. Your story's character might be someone you know. He or she could be a close friend, a distant acquaintance, or someone you work with. Possibly, the person who is the subject of your tale has no connection to you in any way, yet their experience serves as an excellent illustration of the point you are attempting to convey.

Now, if you are anything like me—and I was as awkward as they come, you may be wondering, how can I possibly learn to become more captivating?

This is an exercise in self-love and confidence building. When you learn to do this, you will not just become a good communicator, but you will also have increased faith in yourself and what you say. When we are not confident in what we are telling others, it is really a poor show of how much we believe in ourselves. If we don't believe in ourselves, how can we expect others to?

What worked for me was really the mirror exercise. We have discussed this exercise briefly in the previous chapters. Every evening after work, I would set aside a time for myself to practice what to say in front of the mirror.

Of course, a lot of this is subject to being changed later. We accept that in all discussions there will be a level of spontaneity, particularly if we are required to think on the spot.

However, with this exercise, what we are really trying to do is to build confidence in ourselves, regardless of how spontaneous our later conversation may have to be. When we do this we accept that we can tackle any conversation regardless of how difficult it may become.

Begin doing this exercise by setting aside a routine time for yourself everyday. Try to keep this time fixed.

●     Practice in front of a big mirror—one that is enough to show your face and your upper body including your hands.

●     Keep a topic prepared in your mind. This can be any topic, but I would advise you to begin with something generic. For instance, pretend that you are addressing a friend about how your day has gone.

●     Keep your eyes straight ahead of you facing yourself. Begin speaking.

●     Always begin every speech you make with a greeting, full stop. This can be anything; for example, a simple good morning or good evening or hello.

●     Keeping your eyes straight ahead, slowly elaborate what you have in mind. Say each word distinctly, clearly and slowly. As you are speaking, also try to register what you are saying in your mind. Don't let the conversation get the better of you, be conscious of every word coming out of your mouth.

You may be surprised by what this exercise reveals. Often, when we talk too fast, we do not take cognizance of the words that are coming out of our mouths. This means that we keep blabbering at random, and suddenly, we find that we have lost a complete thread of what we were trying to say. Obviously, this is negative for confidence building.

●     As you grow more comfortable talking with yourself in front of the mirror, start involving different parts of your body, like your eyes and your hands. Use your hands to show how passionate you feel about a particular subject. Show some interest in your eyes. If it is an interesting topic, smile while you are speaking.

●     Practice this for at least two weeks before moving on to a close friend or a family member. This is the next step in your confidence-building exercise.

Repeat all of these steps with the friend or the family member until you feel comfortable in their presence. This may take some more time, but remember that now you are transitioning to becoming confident in front of others.

Finally, the stage comes when you transition to speaking in front of others. Determine whatever you want to convey before you say it. Try to not bring  up subjects that have no relation to your current state of mind.

●     Increase your visibility with a fascinating fact or a compelling story. You become more relatable as a result of this.

●     Communicate and interact. If your discussion is on deadlines, for example, you could include some of the difficulties that workers may have in meeting deadlines at their place of employment. If people see similarities between themselves and the presentation, they'll be more likely to be engaged by the advice and ideas.

●     Use natural and personable language in your delivery.

●     Keep an open mind to what the people around you have to say.

Soon, a time will come when you will actually see that they are growing captivated by what you have to say. When this day comes, you will know that you are ready to face the world and to captivate everyone with your words. You may end up surprising yourself with how influential you become!

We are always more drawn to interesting people. These people always know how to make a conversation relatable and engaging, which makes us feel as if we can connect with them on personal levels. In the next chapter, we will look at what makes a communicator interesting!

Chapter 12: Being Interesting

“Everybody is interesting for an hour, but few people can last more than two.” — V.S. Naipaul

This chapter has a lot to do with the previous chapter because being captivating goes together with being interesting.

Interesting people are easy to listen to. Nobody likes to be part of a boring conversation that goes on and on. When a person knows how to make the most boring topics interesting, they will always draw the attention of others.

I used to know a man, let's call him Alex. Alex was a crowd-pleaser. He simply had something about him. Whenever we went out to meet others, I knew that regardless of whether they were my friends or his, Alex would always be the star of every conversation.

He didn’t always have stellar topics to talk about. The main thing was: Alex knew how to make daily topics conversational. He would talk about a coffee-date with a friend and make it sound like the most beautiful coffee-date anyone could ever experience. He would talk about a presentation at work and make it sound as if it was an interactive 3D experience.

What made Alex so different, so approachable? One day, unable to hide my curiosity, I asked him. This is when I learned the four secrets that govern all interesting people: genuineness, clarity, imagination, and connection.

Being authentic implies being genuine and true to one's own self. You understand yourself, accept yourself, and completely own yourself. Furthermore, research has shown that genuine individuals are considerably more happy with their life than those who are not.

Authentic individuals are not scared to pursue their own path, no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. When people do what feels good to them and what comes easily to them, they attract things that are in alignment with their values and beliefs. They make a point of taking the time to find out who they really are and how they want to be, while also valuing other people for who they are and letting them do the same. This is because they have become much more introspective, which benefits them.

Genuine people are much more open to introspection and self-reflection, which may be beneficial for anxiety and concentration. The result is that you become more relaxed and less bothered about what other people may be doing.

Some people, particularly those who have poor self-esteem, have difficulty accepting compliments and are always worrying that there is more to the praise than just a simple remark. This makes conversation difficult because there is a chance that you will offend them regardless of what you say, because they are always looking for ulterior motives.

Genuine individuals praise others and truly mean it, rather than just attempting to impress others with their good manners. They are just pleased for that individual or believe that they look well in what they are wearing, depending on the situation.

Another characteristic that real individuals possess is that they are more interested in having meaningful discussions and truly listening to what is being said. They have an easier time letting go of diversions and objects in their environment. Consider how enticing it would be to converse with someone without always worrying if they have an agenda!

Ultimately, individuals would prefer to spend time with someone who encourages them to be themselves rather than someone who just ever says what they believe they should say.

Authentic communication is not a straightforward procedure in which people just state what they believe, regardless of the repercussions of their actions. In order to communicate successfully, one must first listen carefully to what others are saying.

There are some simple things you can do to make your conversations genuine. A fundamental aspect of genuine communication is to accept responsibility for the message being communicated. Through the process of asking for feedback, you may go beyond just meaning what you say to ensure that your message has been received correctly.

Also, avoid unclear language and technical or specialised jargon since they may be misinterpreted. Another essential advice is to be concise in your language usage. Authentic communication involves paying attention more frequently than you talk, and while you listen, you concentrate on the speaker and the substance of his or her message rather than on how you should react to the speaker. Sandberg says that one should always speak the truth.

This implies that you should avoid making promises that you will not be able to fulfil, as well as avoiding overgeneralization by making broad comments that do not necessarily represent the realities of the situation.

The next important trait is clarity. I cannot overemphasize the importance of clarity in avoiding conflict and misunderstandings. This is particularly important if you are communicating with someone via text or email, where what we are trying to say commonly gets lost in translation.

It is difficult to convey meaning to other people if you are not showing your face or the amount of intensity you are feeling at the particular moment, because in such circumstances, all that they have to interpret from is text.

Text can be quite subjective, and its interpretations are always open to different kinds of meaning. When you think about clarity, particularly with regard to messages that you will not deliver in person, always try to keep these messages as simple, concise, and clear as possible. For instance, if you want something to be done, specifically mention what you need, and why it is important. Don’t beat around the bush.

When you are present while communicating with someone else, achieving clarity is simpler because you can clear any misunderstandings then and there.

Try to avoid the use of excessive jargon in your speeches. We are all guilty of this from time to time, especially when the topic is something close to our hearts. We have to make everything about a particular subject known then and there, hoping to impress the people listening to us.

Unfortunately, the result is this can become overwhelming for the people who are listening to you, and they lose interest in what we are trying to convey. This can result in a huge misunderstanding. So to avoid this, always begin communications with clear and precise intent.

Always know your audience. Sometimes, a person that we are talking to is not equipped to handle emotions or particular situations as we would like them to. If we are not sensitive to the way we portray things to them, there can be a fallout. To prevent this, trying to understand the mood of the room where you are talking is always helpful. If the mood is grim but you need to convey a message, be polite, let them know that you understand their situation, and move on to communicating your message.

Here’s the thing: clarity allows you to navigate through life with clear intentions. You not only make a huge difference in how you appear in your communications with others, but your own thoughts and processes become much more clear to yourself. Without clarity, you will often get muddled, and you will not find a clear direction to things that need to be prioritized, and how to go about paying attention to them. It is important for you to cultivate clarity in all the aspects of your life.

The next important thing is having an active imagination. Let’s face it, when communication threads become one directional, we get bored, and we want out. Most of us do not want to discuss only formal topics nor feel like we cannot relate to the speaker.

To avoid this, you must relate what you are talking about with events in your own life or even in the lives of those you know without being offensive to them. When you have an active imagination, you are able to share stories and anecdotes about the things that you are saying.

When this happens people in a particular communication will relate to your story because it helps them to understand who you are and where you are coming from. As humans, we are intrinsically social animals, and we all like to be in situations where we feel connected to the communicator.

To have an imagination is to think up or conceive something new or different, such as an object or event that does not really exist. In this way, individuals may gather their ideas, which come from their thoughts, and turn them into something new. When individuals use their imagination, they may break through obstacles to come up with new ideas. To put it another way, creativity leads to innovation, which is critical to the advancement of humanity on the global stage.

Have you ever been part of a lecture where the topic was really interesting, but it was conveyed in such an unoriginal way that you got bored and wanted to run from the spot? You don’t want to be that kind of speaker, do you? So, look out for original and interesting stories that you can share with others when you are communicating with them. Imagination is a powerful tool because it opens you up to all possibilities.

Finally, we have the quality of establishing connections. At the heart of all genuine conversations, we have connections. Connections help the source of the communication to find a common ground with the recipient, so that they can listen to the source and think, Aha, I completely relate to that! Without connections, all our communications would fall flat, because then, people are listening either out of compulsion or fear, and there is nothing genuine there.

When you connect with someone, it is all about them, and it allows you to utilize the power you have over them. You should be the first one to reach out to build a connection and establish your impact.

By speaking up first and making the other person comfortable, you may instantly establish a relationship since you will show that you appreciate the other person. It's amazing how quickly you can establish a connection with others when you don't mind stepping up to the plate. When you reach out to them first, you will immediately enhance your appeal with them.

You must be willing to leave your ego aside and devote your attention only to the other person. In order to engage them on their level, we must exhibit a degree of humility. In addition, it indicates that you are prioritizing what the others are saying. You'll be able to express your affection if you care about them, and your power will grow enormously as a result.

People who do not connect are not able to share a part of themselves with others around them. Some hang on to their emotions and ideas for a variety of reasons. The dread of rejection and the worry that they may do or utter something that will hurt their partner are the two main reasons why individuals in relationships struggle to build bonds.

While the latter feeling is important, failing to communicate what you need from your spouse prevents the relationship from evolving and growing. The ability to grow in any relationship is critical to maintaining a long-term and fulfilling connection.

All great speakers will tell you that when you learn to communicate, you must always engage your audience. Talk to them. Let them know that you empathize with whatever state of mind they are in. Help them understand that whatever you are saying is being said with the intent of helping them solve a problem or find a solution or because you want to get to know them better.

When we think of someone we really like to listen to, we usually always say that there’s a connection there. This is because we are always looking for others like us, others who will make us feel a little less lonely and a little more appreciated.

First-hand connections provide us with the most significant and valuable possibilities, whether in our professional or personal lives. Connections provide us with the chance to assist others, which means that we end up building new relationships and feeling good about ourselves. Isn't that wonderful?

Being unique is a big asset in both the workplace and in everyday life. People would rather spend time with you because they find you engaging, and they're more likely to cherish every minute you spend together if you are interesting to be around. Being interesting is testimony to a well-balanced personality.

●     It serves to elicit discussion. Conversation is a two-way street that requires both parties to participate. What exactly piques your interest? What exactly piques the listener's interest? The back and forth is something we all like doing. It makes us more likable to others and them more likable to us.

●     It shows a willingness to consider all options. Cultural appreciation may be shown via open-mindedness.

●     It opens the door to a plethora of new opportunities.

Most of us find it difficult to be completely honest with ourselves; therefore, we admire those who are courageous enough to do so. It takes bravery to let go of social expectations and embrace who we really are. However, being free is the only state in which we can do our greatest job and reach our full potential.

To be compelling, one must approach the subject from a viewpoint that is distinct from the norm. Being a great conversationalist: that is, having the ability to draw in and engage other people in conversation, even if it's only by adding to the subject matter of the discussion.

Someone who agrees mindlessly or just keeps repeating what has been stated, on the other hand, is not intriguing, despite the fact that you may find them comforting.

The key to creating an intriguing point of view is to feed your mind with fascinating things to think about. This might include the novels you read, the television series you watch, or the audiobooks you listen to on your phone. It may also be the encounters you've had, whether they've been via travel, hardship, or high-pressure situations.

It is a good idea to start by learning more about the subject matter. Increase your book reading and cinema viewing. Go ahead and tell somebody about anything new that you've learnt recently. Not only will you educate them, but you will also solidify what you have learned and establish yourself as a source of fascinating information. When you have to teach something, you really learn what you are talking about.

If you've read a fantastic book, take quotations from it, and use them into your discussions. Create a blog post or an article about it. Invite discussions and comments.

Being unoriginal is the polar opposite of fascinating. And having the same discussion or engagement again and again is the surest way to become monotonous and uninteresting.

Avoid being that coworker who just speaks about oneself or herself, instead! The buddy who can't seem to stop talking about the same thing. The member of the family who is always moaning and complaining.

Also, don't be that person that is silent while others are speaking. Prepare a list of subjects and take the effort to discuss them with your colleagues. Participate actively in discussions and express your views. Make it clear to others that you are engaging in a meaningful way.

And on that note, building connections will be the focus of our last chapter. Let us spend some time studying the art of building connections before we end our journey together.

Chapter 13: Making Meaningful Connections

“Be genuinely interested in everyone you meet and everyone you meet will be genuinely interested in you.” — Rasheed Ogunlaru

Making strong relationships with other people is a serious process that demands dedication and effort on your part. Individuals and society alike suffer from social isolation since it affects health severely. Solitude may raise stress levels, which can result in worse sleep, a severely depleted immune system, and even cognitive impairment in the long run.

Not just that, but it has the potential to have a detrimental impact on psychological health as well. Because isolation pushes us to delve inside ourselves, over time, we become disassociated, self-critical, and cold. The connections we have with other people enrich our lives, not just on an emotional level, but also mentally and physically.

There are many advantages to having close connections and relationships. We discover humor, companionship, understanding, excitement, tenderness, compassion, and a multitude of other benefits when we interact with people. Having a strong sense of connection to people has been shown to enhance our emotions, health, and lifestyles.

When we witness other people doing great things, we are encouraged to do great things, and when we see our fellow humans facing hard circumstances, we feel that it is our duty to keep moving forward and not give up.

Developing healthy, meaningful connections is, thus, both a necessary kind of self-care and a joyful method to contribute to the improvement of society as a whole.

Everybody wants to be noticed and understood. Despite this, our own emotions and the events taking on around us often prevent us from really listening. However, the effect of giving someone your undivided attention may be the most important factor in developing a genuine relationship.

That special someone who calls you because they need to vent is an example of a genuine relationship. And you are delighted to accept the phone call because you are interested in hearing whatever they have to say. This is the same individual that you would be delighted to hear from if they phoned to inform you that something really wonderful had occurred for them. You are concerned for their well-being, whether it is positive or negative.

Social intelligence is a phrase that is used to describe the capacity to pick up on cues that enable you to rapidly create connections and engage with another person. It is possible for someone to have a great deal of bookish intellect, yet not be able to read another person.

When it comes to understanding the world, there is no substitute for genuine curiosity. Being sympathetic and inquisitive, as well as alert to signals, assists in establishing a genuine relationship with another person. The most open-minded people have sharp wits and want to learn more about what you're saying.

The most important connections are mutual. In this connection, both sides benefit from the other's presence. For this, relationships have to have meaning and context. Meaning may be found in the capacity to share vulnerability, similar interests, values, and hobbies, etc.

Meaningful relationships are required by humans on a biological and fundamental level. We understand that we are wired to seek meaning in our lives, and our emotional growth throughout the course of our lives contributes to this.

It's easy to grow disillusioned, uninspired, and unsympathetic when you don't have strong social connections. We are social animals by nature, and if our social requirements aren't fulfilled, we suffer intellectually, emotionally, and physically as a result of our isolation. After all, we are all defined and sustained to a certain degree by those around us. Meaningful connections contribute to a better and more satisfying experience in one's life.

When you have a genuine relationship, it is easier to establish friends with individuals who you can contact or meet with when you are feeling worried or depressed. Likewise, these are the individuals you contact when you have exciting news to share with them that you can't wait to tell them.

I know how hard it is to make connections that matter. Our ability to connect and relate with people is becoming harder to achieve as a result of technology interruptions, which make it extremely difficult to truly listen and talk with others in our immediate vicinity.

We're juggling several jobs and putting in more time than we've ever put in before, all while trying to live up to the social media image of perfection.

Young individuals who have been brought up in a technologically oriented environment may have difficulty concentrating since they are subject to so much happening around them. Because their brains want distraction, it is difficult for them to pay attention and engage with their peers.

Poor self-esteem, life experiences with painful interactions, melancholy, confidence issues, and other psychological problems are all examples of internal characteristics that may make it difficult to connect with another person.

In order to establish a genuine relationship, you must be engaged and invested in the process, as well as accepting responsibility for your actions. Despite the fact that it is difficult, it is definitely worth the effort.

Comprehending what a meaningful relationship consists of is necessary to building one. It entails being emotionally vulnerable in the presence of another person and being honest and open with them. The act of expressing love to someone, getting it in return, and knowing that you really can rely on someone is a comforting feeling.

It takes a strong commitment to vulnerability, consistency, and a desire to love someone completely and unconditionally to carry out these acts. We can and should have meaningful connections in our marriages, friendships, interactions with our children, and even our ties with the larger community.

The key to forming lasting relationships is not just based on what you say to other people, but also the effort that you make in following up. It means that the job doesn’t end with a stellar first communication. Of course, that is a strong vantage point. But from there, you have to build the house. Consider that as the first step to it.

The rest will depend on genuinely making an effort to take the connection forward, to acknowledging that you enjoy the presence of the people you are communicating with in your life, and that you are willing to make room for them.

Based on this understanding, here are some things that you can do in order to establish more meaningful connections with the people around you.

First, always remember that you are dealing with a whole other person when you are communicating with them. This person comes with their own set of feelings, emotions, agendas, and their own abilities to cope with whatever you shell out to them.

Keeping this in mind, always remember to begin your conversation by asking how the other person is feeling. This will give you a genuine understanding of  how the person is doing on the particular day. And, if you are able to gauge that a particular person is not doing too well you can tailor your conversations to make sure that you don't accidentally say something that will end up hurting them.

The foundation for any genuine connection is based on empathy. When we talk to others this way—making sure to find out how they are doing and trying to make room for them—and are open to modifying our approaches to them based on an understanding of this, we form the early groundwork for empathy.

Just imagine yourself in this particular scenario. Say that you are having a not so good day. Your friends have set you up on a blind date, so even though you are unwilling you decide to go out and see whether you can form a good connection.

You meet this person and instead of even asking one question about how you are doing on the particular day, they go on talking about their life, their problems, and their successes. Does this sound like someone you would like to take on a second date?

Now imagine another scenario where you meet a person who actually makes room for you and your feelings, who asks you how you're feeling and empathizes with you. Which scenario sounds preferable?

Second, in order to build a genuine connection, always be open to the possibility that something you have said is open to interpretation and may turn out to be completely false.

Often, our egos get the better of us. This means that we often cannot look beyond our own perception of what is right and wrong and because of this, our relationships suffer. Another aspect here is that what is right for us may be completely wrong for someone else. So in any situation, the concept of right and wrong is quite subjective, and sometimes, we have to be open to having our views altered.

So,  when you are conversing with someone else and you say something that they do not agree with, do not simply brush them away. Instead, listen to what they have to say.

Of course, what they say may be something that you do not agree with. But instead of dismissing it, you produce a constructive argument where you put forward why you feel a particular way, and always remember that two people can agree to disagree.

Relationships are not picture perfect, and many of them are subject to trial and error. We always have arguments with our parents and family members, and the other connections we make are also not exempted from this. As humans, we are subjected to differences in opinion, but what is key here is not allowing them to get in the way of genuine connections.

When you have genuine connections, you will still have disagreements and differences in opinion, but what will matter is not letting your ego get in the way of converting to a point where you come to a mutual solution on how to deal with the differences of opinion.

Thirdly, take time out for the people with whom you are trying to establish any connections. Given the pace at which contemporary society is moving, we often forget the importance of slowing down and taking things one step at a time.

When it comes to building connections that last, you have to understand that they require time and a lot of investment on your part. This means that even if you are running on a nine to five schedule and your work life is quite hectic, you still have to find out some time where you can sit with your significant other or the person with whom you are trying to build the connection and share a genuine moment of conversation with them.

I understand that this may be quite challenging at the initial stages. If this is the case try to find out a particular time everyday, say between six and seven p.m. after you have come back from work.

Rest, have some refreshments, and just sit down in front of the person or the people with whom you want to build a connection or pick up the phone and call them. Spend some time talking with them, ask about the day, share what happened with yours, and any other thing that has happened that you want to talk about. From here on, it is quite simple. The other person only wants you to make an effort. When you do this, you show them that you are willing to talk to them and to listen.

In order to build a good connection, you have to listen to people. Don't just keep talking, and don't keep on sharing how you feel about a particular event if there is no feedback about it.

We have covered the topic of listening in previous chapters, so you already know how important it is in any particular communication. It is even more so when you are trying to build a lasting relationship. Have you ever witnessed two spouses communicating where one keeps on saying to the other, "you never listen to me!" Usually when this happens within a household, as it would happen in mine, a huge fight would ensue.

Not being open to listening to another person creates the ground for a lot of misunderstanding, and because of this, one person involved in the communication always feels neglected. This becomes awkward, and the person leaves feeling dissatisfied. It is very difficult to pick back up from here.

If this is your first time communicating with somebody, ask them about their day, then talk about yours, and wait for a few minutes to see what they have to say in return.

Don't be afraid to point out if you find some inconsistencies in what somebody is telling you. Of course, you have to be courteous and polite when you are opening up a communication channel, but this does not mean that you have to be ingratiating or try too hard.

Often, people are looking for genuineness, and they want to be part of a conversation thread where they can find out if they are going wrong and receive honest feedback. So be upfront about your feelings and always acknowledge what they are saying by giving your own take on it.

What follows is being open to a healthy discussion. Obviously, when a particular topic is being communicated, you will have something to say about the matter, and so will others. It is important for all of you to maintain a healthy level of respect for each other so that the communication channels are clean.

Finally, always keep your dates. If you have decided to meet someone, and you end up not showing up for something that is anything short of an emergency, you are showing that you are not interested.

Life can get in the way, and often, we do not feel like keeping up with the social obligations. However, remember that the other person has also made some sacrifices to be present and to listen to you and to give you that time, which is just as precious as yours. Honor this sentiment and show up.

With this, we have reached the end of our journey together. Before I send you off to become the best communicator you can be, let’s wrap this up.

Conclusion

Truth be told, I did not become a successful communicator up until I was in my late twenties. By then, life itself had caught up with me, and I knew that I could not spend the rest of my days in isolation.

I had always been an introvert, but I did not realize until this solitude reached a point of complete saturation. I was not avoiding human company because I didn’t want to be around the presence of others. I was avoiding it because I was too afraid of stumbling and making mistakes.

So to conclude, I will ask you to go do something counterintuitive. Go out and talk to people. Of course, while you are indoors, you can keep practicing your communication skills, you can read and re-read my book, you can take pointers, make notes, and cry about how difficult people can be (trust me, you’re not alone in thinking this). But here is a simple truth: there is always someone who is looking for company, who wants to be found, to be understood and appreciated. Unless you go out and meet people, you will never find ones that conform to your notions of good company.

The first few times can feel like a nightmare. I’m not even going to make it sound easy. I struggled for days before I finally faced an audience and thought, No. I won’t keep on doubting what I am capable of. I got this. If I can feel this way, so can you.

Life’s biggest lesson is not in the end chapter—it’s in all the little ones that take you to the end. It’s in the trials, the hardships, and the realization that every living thing struggles right from birth. Oh yes, it’s a warzone all right. Little baby birds struggle for days before they learn to take flight. Puppies have to sometimes fight off their own fathers. We don’t look at these things. We look for the more obvious, comforting end results.

Why?

Why shouldn’t we also celebrate the journey that gets us there? Every uncomfortable silence, every minute we spend in the shower or in the kitchen burning our meals and thinking, Hey, I should have said that! is not a testimony to what could have been done better but rather to the fact that we got up, and we are ready to try again.

So, don’t give up. Whatever you do, however hopeless you feel, remember that there are people out there waiting to know and celebrate you.

If you would ask me the most important chapter of this book, I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint to just one. They are all important, and they will all equip you with the skills you need to become a good communicator. I began this book with a chapter on self-awareness, which to me is one of the most important qualities you can work on. There’s this popular millennial saying—I cannot believe I am using this, but here we go—your vibe attracts your tribe. I said it! But truly, this is possibly one of the realest quotes to exist, as corny as it sounds.

When you develop self-awareness, you become your own best friend. You understand your capabilities and your limitations, and you know how to approach others empathetically. So, always remember to spend some time working on understanding who you are, and love yourself every day.

Make sure you're listening. Give the presenter or the other participants their due respect and attention. If you keep interrupting me and don't listen, it's impossible to talk about anything important or instructive. It seems like you are attempting to just broadcast your message, without giving any thought to the effect it will have.

If you've never met someone before, you should speak about banal subjects in order to get to know one another. In small talk, we have the opportunity to reveal just the bits about us that we want others to know. And this is important because this is the groundwork for future developments.

Be kind to each other. Be funny and spontaneous, particularly in light conversations where people are getting to know you. You'll be stunned to see how by sharing funny stories you may inspire others to contribute as well. Everyone likes a good chuckle, and many find laughter relaxing and pleasant.

Focus on building lasting connections. Try to remember that you converse because you want to find people like you, people with whom you have to spend time or who will demand your resources. With this in mind, always look for points that will help you establish genuine relationships, so that you have people you can fall back on. Some of us communicate out of pleasure or because we want to be orators. But most of us are truly just looking for friends and companions.

When we go into these relationships with the idea of short-term gains, we don’t build lasting connections. After a few days, our superficiality comes through, and it's back to square one. Rather than thinking about the benefits and why you should work on your connections, simply look at them as things that will sustain you and make you happy.

Always be open to healthy discussions and be compassionate. You don’t know what others around you are going through. However, don’t go far in excess and curtail whatever you think because you are afraid of its effects on others. There is a fine line between compassion and fear; find it. Remember that just as others are entitled to your respect, you are also entitled to theirs. You will know when a slip occurs, and you ever end up saying something that is not befitting a particular social situation. If this happens, apologize and move on. Mistakes happen; take them as things to learn from.

Finally, use this book as your wrecking journal. Do what you will do—make notes, come and highlight parts that stand out to you, and add your own points. But, use it. It is not meant to sit prettily in your bookshelf or kindle library, it is supposed to be helping you to discover parts of yourself that are latent. You have no idea how much you are capable of, and sometimes, all you need is the tiniest push. Oh, there will be difficult days. Days that will make you want to retreat into a hole and never face any people again. Let these days happen. From today, become a student of life. Take every hard day as an opportunity to learn something new.

I have been honored to accompany you on this journey. Now, however, you are in charge. Whenever you see this book, remember what you are capable of. Sometimes, we need reminders. Let this serve as one to you. The biggest secret to communicating successfully is getting over yourself.

I will end with a mantra I often used to repeat when I would withdraw within myself, depleted and too scared of what I would say in inappropriate situations.

Stop being afraid.

Start embracing possibilities.

Welcome to the beginning of a new journey, one in which you are open to learning that the outside world isn’t all thorns. There are people out there who want to communicate with you, who want to build connections and form lasting relationships. Go find them.

Thank You

Thank you so much for purchasing this book and taking the time to read it.

There were many books to choose from in this book category and you choose to pick this one.

So, a big THANK YOU, for buying this book and reading it to the very end.

Before you leave, please can I ask you for one small favour? Could you please leave a review?

By leaving a review you are tremendously helping and supporting a small independent author like myself.

It would mean a lot to hear your honest feedback so that I can use that to help me write my next book.

Once again, thank you.

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References

Duval, S., & Wicklund, R. A. (Eds.). (1973). Theory of Objective Self-awareness. Academic Press Inc.

Eurich, T. (2018). What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It). Harvard Business Review Home. https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it

Evans D. J. (2013). Connecting with different audiences: the anatomy of communication is essential. Anatomical sciences education, 6(2), 134–137. https://doi.org/10.1002/ase.1311

Foley, G. N., & Gentile, J. P. (2010). Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy. Psychiatry (Edgmont (Pa. : Township)), 7(6), 38–44.

Kacperek L. (1997). Non-verbal communication: the importance of listening. British journal of nursing (Mark Allen Publishing), 6(5), 275–279. https://doi.org/10.12968/bjon.1997.6.5.275

Paul, R., Sharrard, J., & Xiong, S. (2016). The Importance of Face-to-Face Communication in the Digital World. Journal of nutrition education and behavior, 48(10), 681. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jneb.2016.09.014

Swan, A. (2020). How to Create a Meaningful Connection with Almost Anyone. Medium.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Self-Awareness

Chapter 2: Benefits Of Communication

Chapter 3: Confidence, Courage, Perseverance

Chapter 4: The Basics of Communication

Chapter 5: Essential Body Language

Chapter 6: Listening Skills Are A Superpower

Chapter 7: Mastering Small Talk

Chapter 8: Starting A Conversation With Anybody

Chapter 9: Preventing Awkward Silences

Chapter 10: Developing Your Charisma

Chapter 11: How To Captivate Listeners

Chapter 12: Being Interesting

Chapter 13: Making Meaningful Connections

Conclusion

Thank You

References