How to Start and Make a Conversation:

How to Talk to Anyone in 30 Seconds or Less

By Christopher Gottschalk

How to Start and Make a Conversation: How to Talk to Anyone in 30 Seconds or Less

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gottschalk, Chris, 1976-

How to start and make a conversation : how to talk to anyone in 30 seconds or less / Chris Gottschalk.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-13: 978-1-60138-383-9 (alk. paper)

ISBN-10: 1-60138-383-5 (alk. paper)

1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

BF637.C45G67 2010

158.2--dc22

2009046914

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Table of Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1: Why Conversation Skills Are Important

Chapter 2: Barriers to Communication

Chapter 3: Body Language

Chapter 4: Starting up a Conversation in 30 Seconds or Less

Chapter 5: How to Keep a Conversation Going — Small Talk and More

Chapter 6: Exit Stage Left — How to Leave a Conversation Gracefully

Chapter 7: How to Leave a Difficult Conversation

Chapter 8: Conversations in the Workplace

Chapter 9: Conversation and Friendship

Chapter 10: The Art of Romantic Conversations

Chapter 11: Conversations Online

Conclusion

Appendix A: Specifics of Body Language

Appendix B: Online Conversation Resources

Bibliography

Author Biography

More Great Titles from Atlantic Publishing

Dedication

This book would never have written without the help of a number of people. First up is my ever-patient editor, Kim Fulscher. Then there are all the people who graciously allowed me to interview them. Last, but not certainly least, is my mom, my dad, and my brothers, all of whom are fascinating people to chat with. I couldn’t have done it with your love and support.

Table of Contents

Foreword

As a speech language pathologist who has been in the field for ten years, I am pleased to write a foreword to How to Start and Make a Conversation: How to Talk to Anyone in 30 Seconds or Less.

The art of conversation has been a strong interest of mine since I began my studies as a speech pathologist. In my second year of graduate school, I very quickly discovered how truly challenging it is to be an effective communicator. Learning about non-verbal communication and how individuals utilize language to influence others or to convey a certain message has fascinated me during my entire career.

Participating in a conversation has been one of the problem areas I have seen and worked with in many children and adults. We have addressed areas such as greetings, initiation, and termination of a conversation, as well as non-verbal communication skills. As most know, first impressions are extremely important — and Chris Gottschalk’s How to Start and Make a Conversation shows readers the importance of interpreting body language, using that information to make a great first impression, adjusting one’s own body language, and choosing appropriate topics to discuss.

Gottschalk thoroughly explains why we, as humans, engage in communication. Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and various sociological theories are expressed in an organized and concise manner. The theories and personality types described will help the reader understand unique needs for each individual type, and it will also help readers define themselves.

How to Start and Make a Conversation provides detailed case studies of professionals and individuals who describe real-world accounts of struggles and successes in communication. The cases outline practical tips, including joining a conversation, overcoming common conversation barriers, and initiating conversation based on similar interests. Gottschalk provides strategies for unique situations that are challenging for many people, including speaking with someone who uses English as a second language. Gottschalk also includes an important chapter on Internet etiquette (“Netiquette”) and how to use information from online to help face-to-face communication. Social Web sites and online communication have become prevalent, and knowing how to properly act online and use this new information will benefit those hoping to enhance conversation and business networking skills.

As a speech language pathologist, I found the information in this book to be extremely helpful. I believe it will be a great tool to help enhance anyone’s personal and professional conversation skills!

Deanna Anderson M.Ed., CCC/SLP

Speech Language Pathologist

Table of Contents

Introduction

Here is a familiar scene: You are at a business convention, or a trade-show meeting, or even the office Christmas party. At this event, almost everyone in this throng of people is talking to each other, making connections, and exchanging business cards. Conversation is flowing through the crowd like oil through an engine, and passersby can practically hear the contented hum of attendees. Where are you in all of this? Unfortunately, you are standing against the wall or sitting at a table by yourself. You have a drink in one hand and you are slowly sipping at it, waiting for that one moment where you can walk up to someone or some group and start mingling. That moment never seems to come. Finally, you start to think about leaving the convention for the day and going back to your hotel room, hoping that someone will see you there by yourself, come over, and start talking. When you decide to leave the event, you take one glance back and see the crowd of people again, where it seems everyone received a conversation partner or two, with the exception of yourself. In this moment, it seems to you that everyone on the face of the planet knows how to talk to other people — with the exception of you.

Since you are reading this book, the above scenario has probably happened to you a few times. Do not feel bad about it, though. According to a 1999 study conducted in Britain, 60 percent of the people polled wished they were better at talking, especially with their friends and family. If you think you cannot communicate with your friends or family, how are you going to feel when you have to introduce yourself to strangers?

Fear of conversation is not just limited to business situations. Being scared to talk to people is so commonplace that it is practically a cliché. Comedians make us laugh about the awkwardness and fear we experience when trying to meet new people for the first time, and motivational speakers make millions of dollars encouraging their audiences to not be scared of getting out and talking to people. You can find another example of this in scores of romantic comedies, where an integral part of the plot is that both the heroine and the hero are too afraid to go over and tell one another how they really feel — not to mention that in a study done by Dr. Laurie Rozakis, a writer and researcher on speaking and writing, people chose public speaking as their No. 1 fear, while dying only came in at No. 6. In other words, people are more afraid of speaking in public than they are of dying — a logic-defying statistic if ever there was one. Think about this — if people are shown a podium, they will be more afraid if they are told she will have to give a speech to 1,300 people than they would be if they were told that they would die upon reaching the podium!

That fear is ironic because reaching out to people has never been easier. Not only do our cell phones keep us in contact with our family and friends regardless of where we are, but we also have the Internet, which lets us talk to people around the world. With the advent of social networking Web sites such as MySpace and Facebook, we can get in touch with thousands of people, from established A-list celebrities to everyday people who have the same hobbies you do. Podcasting and Twitter are forging new paths in communication, and YouTube has given countless people a chance to express themselves and bask in their 15 minutes of fame.

On the other hand, face-to-face communication is still the most important way to communicate. More information, usually in the form of non-verbal signals and activity, is given out when two people meet face-to-face. As many as 10,000 units of information per second flow between two people when they are talking, according to Leil Lowndes, an internationally acclaimed communications expert, newspaper columnist, and author This non-verbal information not only includes the numerous combinations of verbal tone, pace, and word choice that go into creating a sentence, but also the thousands of combinations of nonverbal cues we send in conjunction with our words. According to Lowndes, about 70 percent of all the information we send is non-verbal when talking face-to-face.

This even applies to the friends we meet through the Internet. Striking up a friendship on an online dating Web site, such as eHarmony or OKCupid, usually leads to an in-person meeting to see if you are compatible with the person you have been talking to. You may get a request for an interview through the social networking site LinkedIn, but you still have to talk to the person who is hiring face-to-face.

Face-to-face conversation is also the most versatile means of communication. Although having a conversation is a way to build up friendships and strengthen the bonds of families, it is also an essential part of succeeding in business. Talking with coworkers is essential for you to be considered part of the group. You will also have much better access to information from your coworkers if they are comfortable talking to you. Good communication skills also come in handy if you are trying to convince your coworkers or your boss to do something for you, such as let you take off early for the day or help you out with an assignment. In fact, good conversation skills are a necessity when convincing your boss to give you a raise.

Salespeople need to be especially good at conversation. As anyone who has worked in sales will tell you, a client who does not connect with a salesperson will not be buying anything from him or her. Talk to almost any competent salesperson, and you will find yourself embroiled in a conversation.

Conversation will also help you succeed in networking, that cousin of business communication. You will need to know how to connect with people and have them enjoy spending time with you if you want to increase the size of your network. In case you are unaware, the benefits of having a large network include being open to more insider information in your career, being aware of new job opportunities, and having more people recommend you for job opportunities and promotions. While you can accomplish some networking through e-mail and social networking Web sites, the bulk of networking comes from face-to-face interaction.

Fortunately, for such a necessary aspect of dealing with other people, conversation is not hard. If you want to attempt something difficult, go mountain climbing or get a doctorate in nuclear physics. Learning how to have a good conversation, in contrast, is almost instinctive; if you practice having conversations, you will get better at them. That is where this book comes in.

In these pages, you will receive a crash course in how to get and maintain someone’s attention in 30 seconds or less — and an education on why those 30 seconds are so important. You will learn how to break the ice and ask questions that keep the other person interested. From there, you will learn how to make small talk and actively listen for information to segue into new topics. Finally, you will learn how to exit a conversation gracefully, instead of smiling shyly and saying, “Um... I need to go,” during an awkward pause.

Of course, not every conversation is the same. You are not going to talk to your coworkers the way you talk with your friends. In fact, the way you talk with your supervisors is even going to be different than the way you talk with your coworkers. The same goes for conversations with your parents and even people whom you meet at a party versus people you meet while standing in line at the grocery store. That is why this book has sections dedicated to how to have conversations with all of them. You will learn how to start talking with someone you meet causally, what to talk about with the people you know and meet at work, and how much to open up to other people when you are trying to make friends. Getting to know someone romantically also relies on conversation, so there is a section on how to talk to potential boyfriends and girlfriends.

So get comfortable. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that conversation is not some arcane art form. It is fun, it is easy, and learning to have a good conversation with someone will stop your mouth from getting bored in between breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Why Conversation Skills Are Important

Before we begin talking about ways to improve your conversation skills, let us answer one important question — why would you want to improve your conversation skills in the first place? After all, if you want to talk to your friend, you do not have to speak face-to-face. You can send him a text message, leave a note on his MySpace or Facebook page, e-mail him, or call his telephone or cell phone if you absolutely must have a real-time, real-voice conversation. If you just need to talk in real time, you can send him an instant message if he is online. If you need to ask your coworkers for some information, sending them an e-mail is not only easier, it leaves a semi-permanent record that you contacted them, which can eliminate disagreements. Even dating can be done through the Internet, with online dating sites such as Match.com and eHarmony setting you up with the people who are most compatible with you based on an extensive list that details your interests and desires. No longer do you have to worry about getting out and interacting with people. You are free of stressful conventions and parties forever, right?

Right?

Necessity

Wrong. Despite all these new ways of contacting people, the original method of communication — face-to-face — is here to stay. People must communicate if they are going to survive and fulfill their goals. Psychologist Abraham Maslow, who built upon the interpersonal needs theory developed by William Schultz, believed the reason we communicate is to fulfill our various needs. These needs are arranged from the most basic to the most abstract in a triangle-shaped formation called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

The first and most basic level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is our survival needs. We communicate in order to survive, from when we cried as babies to the time when we are adults and ask for help if we are injured. This need for survival extends beyond getting an immediate reaction. You may make reservations at a restaurant or discuss potential health issues with your family doctor.

Communication also seems to be essential for physical health on a purely psychological scale. A 1999 study by Dean Ornish in his book Love and Survival: 8 Pathways to Intimacy and Health shows that people who do not have strong interpersonal relationships are more prone to suffer from heart disease. In addition, a study of arthritis sufferers concluded that the patients with the less severe symptoms and longest lives had a stronger social support group. Our physical health apparently has a psychosomatic component, as it relies on our abilities to interact and communicate with others.

After taking care of our physical needs, Maslow suggests that our next goal is to protect ourselves through accumulating protection and shelter. You talk with a real estate agent or landlord in order to gain a house or apartment. People communicate with each other about what to do in the event of a fire, tornado, or other natural disaster. This extends to people attending lectures in the workplace on putting aside money in their 401(k) for financial protection and preventing sexual harassment in order to indirectly protect us by making us aware of negative consequences for inappropriate behavior.

Once you have taken care of your immediate physical needs and established some measure of protection for yourself, you start to move up Maslow’s hierarchy into the need to belong. Humans have a need to fit into social groups, whether they are clearly defined or not. These range from groups of several thousand fans, such as when you wear a baseball jersey to show support for your favorite team, or if you identify yourself with a particular political group, religion, or even a shared “fandom” of a musician or author. You will also find a sense of belonging when you talk to people and realize you share similar interests. You might become part of the neighborhood’s stamp-collecting club, or just be part of a group of friends that share a love for ‘80s horror movies. You may even find a sense of belonging with someone despite disagreeing about various issues. It could be that the discussion itself makes you and the other person feel like kindred spirits. Belonging is also essential in your career field. You communicate to feel like you are part of your division, branch, or company. This also extends to professional organizations and guilds.

Belonging is the stage of Maslow’s hierarchy where emotional well-being starts to enter the picture, and like the survival-needs level, people whose emotional needs are not met at the belonging level experience similar health issues as those who have trouble establishing their survival needs. In fact, extreme cases of isolation demonstrate a lack of empathy and a state of mind comparable to a wild animal, with little success in terms of rehabilitation. Clearly, communication with other people is vital for mental health as well as physical health.

ACTING LIKE ANIMALS

Despite what we may have read in Tarzan, human beings who are raised in the wild are subhuman, rather than superhuman. In the 1800s, hunters in France captured an animal that defied description — until it was cleaned up and revealed to be a naked human boy. The boy did not speak and, according to the scientists at the time, was severely mentally disabled. Jean-Marc Gaspard Itard, a doctor, took the boy in, named him Victor, and spent years attempting to teach the boy how to be human. He ultimately failed.

Almost a century later, in the mid-1900s, another naked boy showed up at a hospital in Balrampur, India. Like Victor, the boy could not speak. The staff at the hospital eventually named him Ramu, and the doctors who examined him believed that wolves had literally raised him. Ramu communicated mostly by howling — although he showed no ability, or even an interest, in communicating with other human beings. Instead, Ramu acted like a wild animal. He played with a stuffed animal in his room, exhibiting similar behaviors to those a wild animal might perform in a lair, and he lapped milk from a container instead of drinking it. Interestingly, although Ramu’s ability to communicate had deteriorated, he did, in fact, display a superior sense of smell — he could smell meat from 100 yards away.

Both of these studies illustrate the importance of teaching children to read, write, and communicate during their formative years. It seems that once the time has passed where a child’s brain stops absorbing language, the odds of him or her being able to learn a native language and communicating are low indeed.

However, another case study presented itself in 1970. A girl called “Genie” was rescued by the Los Angeles social services after being completely isolated from the rest of the world until she was 13. Unlike Victor or Ramu, Genie began to socialize with the hospital workers and started speaking after she had received therapy for a few months. Today, she lives in an adult foster care home, and while her vocabulary is still severely limited, she can communicate using sign language.

The fourth stage of Maslow’s hierarchy is the need for self-esteem. By communicating with other people, we not only are made aware that we belong, but that we are valued and respected. This involves being aware that you value and respect yourself as well. Conversation is especially important here, since it is only by talking and interacting with people that we get a sense of how valued or respected we are. This not only reinforces our positive feelings about ourselves, but also lets us know the areas we need to improve. In a 2001 study conducted by Sherwyn Morreale and published in Spectra magazine, research demonstrated that people who could not communicate well with others were less likely to be at the top of their professions, and that many also suffered from low self-esteem; this may be a result of failing to achieve success in their chosen careers, their inability to communicate with others, or a mixture of the two.

The fifth and final stage is called self-actualization. You can concentrate on this stage only once your other needs have been met. At this stage, you are able to hone and apply your own set of skills and abilities to their fullest extent. In other words, at this stage you can concentrate on achieving your full potential, and it is where you grow as a person.

Communication is just as important here as it is in the other levels. At this stage, your conversation skills need to be sharp as you identify interests and talents that come from identifying other people’s perceptions of you. Your friends might remark that you have a talent for sculpting that you never considered, or your parents might observe how good you are at talking to people. At this stage, your growth may depend on other people assisting. You will need to be able to effectively communicate with them in order to show willingness to learn and be guided, not to mention being able to adequately express the directions in which you want to grow.

The Sociology Theories

Social exchange theory

The social exchange theory is one of the main ways to view relationships. According to this theory, humans form relationships based on the total benefit we will receive for being in them. When we consider whether to form a new relationship, we make our decision based on the potential rewards we can reap from it. These rewards include the support the other person gives you, such as emotional support, mentoring support, or even physical support, by supplying you with a place to live or money when times are hard. Another reward is how much affection the other person will show you and how they will express that affection.

Of course, according to social exchange theory, new relationships also cost something. Some relationships require you to spend more time fostering them, while some require a greater effort to maintain than others. You may also have to spend money to maintain the relationship, especially if you are richer than the other person. According to social exchange theory, the costs will be weighed against the benefits, and you will then come to a decision whether to pursue the relationship.

Equity theory

Equity theory, on the other hand, says that social exchange theory presumes there is more to a relationship than a simple calculation of costs and benefits. However, according to equity theory, human beings do want their relationships to be equal partnerships, and that fairness in relationships is very important. Whether a relationship is equitable or not cannot be determined immediately; it has to be realized over time. In the first stage of a relationship, you might be investing more into it than the other. Later on, however, the other person may dedicate more into the relationship.

The concept of equity is not easily defined. It has several factors associated with it, and depends largely on the subjective experiences of each person involved. This is especially observed in families or other partnerships with a strong level of commitment. According to research conducted by Alfred DeMaris in 2007 and reported in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, an inequitable relationship leads to a lower level of satisfaction with the relationship and a lower commitment to it. This is usually a precursor to an affair.

Pop culture

Pop culture has also referenced and commented on humanity’s need for social interaction. John Donne penned the famous line, “No man is an island.” Simon and Garfunkel wrote about the pain of social isolation in their song “I am a Rock,” and Barbra Streisand sang well-known phrase “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” In movies, nothing quite illustrates the effects of loneliness and isolation compared to Tom Hanks’ portrayal in “Cast Away,” and Will Smith’s interacting with mannequins in “I Am Legend” as a substitute for actual human contact. It is a widespread theme to portray the basic need for other people.

SOCIAL GRACES AND A MODERN CAMELOT

When Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis became the First Lady in 1960, she was already different than the First Ladies who came before her. She was young, she was stylish, and most importantly, she knew how to communicate. At White House dinners, she replaced the traditional large U-shaped dining room table with several smaller tables in order to facilitate better conversation, and her skill as a hostess played a large part in giving the White House its nickname during the Kennedy presidency: Camelot. At a summit in Vienna, both Charles de Gaulle and Nikita Krushchev were taken with her. In fact, while the Vienna summit turned out to be a failure on several levels, the relationship between Jacqueline Kennedy and Krushchev was considered one of the few high points. Famously, when Krushchev and Kennedy were asked to shake hands for a photo opportunity, Krushchev said, “I’d like to shake her hand first.”

Versatility

The most important reason conversation will always be with us relates to how functional conversation is in our society. You will be talking face-to-face when you go for a job interview, convince your blind date that you are worth spending more time with, or persuade a customer to buy from you.

Conversation will also come into play when you are interacting with friends and coworkers. While you may not be having a goal-oriented conversation, you will be making small talk, also known as “phatic communication.” Admittedly, the idea of talking to people without having a clear goal in mind may sound frivolous or even wasteful, but being able to make small talk is a social skill that offers several benefits: It helps to define the relationship between two people, even if they are unaware they are doing so, and making small talk helps you and your friends be closer to each other.

Small talk also aids in your evaluating new people by supplying you with information that can help you figure out where the other person stands. Small talk serves as a social lubricant, helping you get to know people better before you dive into the meat of the conversation, and also provides instant feedback and approval, even more than talking on the telephone.

When you do well at conversation, the immediate effects will be obvious. The next time you go to a social event, then instead of hanging back and talking to the potted plant, you will know how to talk to people. Imagine yourself going up to someone who seems interesting and delivering an icebreaker line that spurs them to talk with you. Now imagine yourself going up to a group of people and joining the conversation without any awkwardness. Chances are you already feel better about yourself, which is a huge benefit to being a conversation master. If you are good at conversations, your self-esteem will rise.

This leads to the next benefit of mastering conversation — you will be able to meet more people. It stands to reason that if you can easily talk to people, then you will be willing to meet more of them. The benefits of this are limitless. Meeting more people is an integral part of networking, which can get you a better job. Or you could connect with a new client or customer who wants your services. You could make new friends who enrich your life, or you could just meet the one man or woman you have been looking for.

Being able to talk to people lets you fit in better at social situations. If you are talking to someone, you will not feel like a loner or an outsider. You will not look like a loner or an outsider, either, which will in turn attract more people to you. It is a positive feedback loop that only gets better with more conversations.

LISTENING TO LINCOLN

Abraham Lincoln was not exactly what most people today would consider a serious candidate for president. He was not particularly handsome, he was gangly, and he was mostly self-educated. In the 21st century, CNN would have lambasted him for his lack of a degree, and talk-show hosts throughout the United States would have joked about his appearance.

However, in 1858, Lincoln and Stephen A. Douglas engaged in a series of debates throughout the United States on whether slavery should be al-lowed in the U.S. territories. Audiences who attended those debates were treated to some of the most eloquent and intelligent political speech in the nation, and as a result, Lincoln’s fame as an intellectual and political leaderspread through the country. Two years later, Lincoln was selected as the newly formed Republican Party’s nominee on the strength of those debates. He was elected president, and the rest is history.

Business Advantages

Fitting in better at social situations includes business events, whether you are simply talking with fellow coworkers or explaining to your boss that you deserve a raise after putting in two months of overtime. Since you are going to spend most of your waking days at work, would you not prefer to be able to fit in be better, rather than simply going through the day trying to avoid human contact? Really, not even the copy machine can get away with that.

Being able to hold a conversation with your coworkers is a cornucopia of benefits, from making your workday more bearable to getting your ideas heard. Being able to talk to people will also make you less afraid of asserting yourself when you want to take some vacation time, put in overtime, telecommute, or ask for that previously mentioned raise. It should not be surprising that many successful company presidents and CEOs are very good at communicating. They come across as not only being warm and genuine — someone you would want to talk to — but also charismatic and assertive.

Being able to hold a conversation can also affect your ability to be hired. In a 1999 survey of 480 companies conducted by the National Association of Colleges and Employers, the skill employers looked for the most in candidates when making a hiring decision was the ability to communicate. Many of these employers cited communication as being a key factor of productivity. In addition, being able to communicate well also implied that the employee was good at listening to others and being sensitive to inter-employee differences.

Of course, business also includes sales. Almost all sales rely on interpersonal communication, and the 30-second window is more vital than ever when trying to convince a potential client to buy your product. Her defenses against being persuaded will already be in place, and you will only have one chance to establish some kind of rapport that you can then use to leverage a sale.

CASE STUDY: KAREN FRANK EXPLAINS NETWORKING

Karen Frank

Networking Trainer

3 E Communications

karen@3ecommunications.net

www.3ecommunications.net

Karen Frank is an accomplished entrepreneur and conversationalist. She describes herself as “basically a shy person who had to learn the skill of networking in order to promote my business.” Frank now teaches other people the lessons she had to learn herself.

When Frank goes into a situation where she wants to network, her goal is to figure out how she can help the people to whom she will be talking. According to Frank, the easiest people to talk with are the ones who are standing alone or hanging around the food table. “They don’t know anyone either and would relish someone — anyone — who would take an interest in them,” she said. Frank also looks for openness. She checks to see whether the other person is smiling, whether the person appears engaged in conversation with other people, and whether the person is dressed appropriately for the occasion. In order to indicate to other people that she is open to talking with them, Frank smiles and looks them in the eye. If a conversation is already in progress, Frank starts out by observing the conversation before joining it. People engaged in a conversation face each other directly. If they are open to someone joining the conversation, they will be standing in a “V” shape. If the conversation appears private, do not lurk. If you simply must interrupt (to deliver an urgent phone call, for instance), excuse yourself and acknowledge the interruption. As an example, you can say, “Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt you, but…” If the parties are open to you joining them, listen to the conversation and make a meaningful contribution, if you can.

However, people need to adapt their networking techniques for the 21st century. “The old ‘pass out business cards and talk to anyone within 3 feet of you’ (the 3-foot rule) is quickly going the way of the dinosaur,” according to Frank, “because everyone is bombarded with sales messages and simply don’t have an attention span for them.” What is the new standard? “In business, the three most important pieces to a good conversation are coming from a place of service to others, being able to describe what you do from a “benefits to the customer” perspective, and never sell your products or services to the person with whom you are speaking,” Frank said. “In a networking setting, too many people try to have a selling conversation right there at the event. If I wish to engage further with that person, I get permission to contact them later in order to continue the conversation — and I do it. If it’s a new relationship, I always smile, look that person in the eye, state how great it was to meet and speak with that person, and then shake hands.”

Sharing personal details is a subject on which Frank is more conservative. Instead, she prefers to keep the spotlight focused on other people. “Most people are very happy to talk about themselves. When you ask someone ‘How is business?’ and ‘What are you looking for next?’ you will be amazed at how their eyes light up and what they will share with you.”

Self-confidence plays a big role in Frank’s approach to conversation. “You have to like yourself,” she said. “If you’re not naturally friendly and cheerful, you have to be that way until you’re accustomed to being like that with other people. Nobody wants to talk with an Eeyore.”

What has helped Frank the most in learning how to talk to people is the realization that people are all alike to a large degree. “Most people genuinely want to help others, and most people have no idea how to start a business conversation,” she said. “By really ‘dialing in’ how to hold a business conversation, you can assist others in feeling more comfortable and finding what they need next.”

If you are not used to talking to other people, Frank recommends a mentor. “If you want to do some business networking, find someone who is good at it, and ask them to take you along the next time they go to an event. Not only will you observe what they do and say, but they will most likely introduce you around, too. You are best served by finding someone who believes in helping other people find what they need and avoiding people who just want to teach you how to work a room.” Frank also notes that there is a lot of information available for people who want to study networking on their own. “Business networking groups like Business Networking International [www.bni.com], LeTip International [www.letip.com], or eWomen Network [www.ewomennetwork.com] are great places to learn how to talk to others in an environment where the overall goal is to help each other make more money.”

If you simply want to get a chance to talk to more people, Frank recommends going to a place that genuinely interests you in order to increase your comfort level. “Do you like roses? Join a gardening club,” she says. “Enjoy scrapbooking? Find a store that has regular scrapbooking get-togethers.”

How to Talk to People and Make Friends

The best thing about conversation is that it can connect you to new friends. Researchers in the fields of psychology, sociology, and anthropology all agree that we human beings are social animals, and while you may enjoy spending time with yourself, there is something special about being able to talk to other people. In addition to the emotional needs of belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization that Maslow described in his hierarchy, a 2008 study conducted by Thomas Feeley, Jennie Hwang, and George Barnett showed that having friends can be all the difference between a pleasant job and an unbearable one. Having friends at work provides support and companionship, and the more friends people had at the workplace meant less of a chance of resigning. How much you love your job depends in large part on your ability to make friends.

Aside from that, however, hanging around with friends is just fun. While there are times that talking with people can leave you feeling exhausted and drained, talking with friends tends to produce the opposite effect. When you talk with friends, it is a refreshing feeling. Talking with friends or close siblings can leave you feeling renewed and ready to face the rest of the world.

That feeling gets even better when you are talking with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Both terms, you will note, have “friend” in them. And that is usually how boyfriends and girlfriends are made — by talking to men and women and finding out that not only do you have something in common, but that you click somehow, in a way that makes at least one of you want to find out more about the other, and which I will be covering in a later chapter. For now, just remember that the more you reach out and connect with people, the more your odds will increase of finding someone you want to date or marry.

DAN QUAYLE: A CAUTIONARY TALE

The best example of the perils of not being a good communicator is the vice president of the United States under the first President Bush, Dan Quayle. During his time as vice president, Dan Quayle managed to demonstrate the perils of being in politics without being an eloquent communicator. He managed to accumulate a collection of misstatements that was truly impressive, such as when he said that the 1940s Holocaust was “an obscene period in our nation’s history… no, not our nation’s, but in World War II. I mean, we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century;” also, “I have made good judgments in the past, I have made good judgments in the future.” Dan Quayle also made headlines when he misspelled “potato” while judging an elementary school spelling bee, and capped off his political career during the 1992 campaign when he criticized a television character for being a single mother and drew the ridicule of media everywhere. Even years later, Dan Quayle still has a reputation as an intellectual lightweight, even though he has since written three books, writes a nationally syndicated newspaper column, and is a member of several corporate boards and political institutions.

Table of Contents

Chapter 2

Barriers to Communication

Now that you know just how useful face-to-face communication is, you might be curious as to why people are not rushing out the door to talk with random strangers off the street, or driving to the nearest coffee shop in order to strike up a conversation.

You would not be alone in wondering what is happening with conversation. Many agree that conversation is a lost or dying art, or that due to the proliferation of cell phones, text messaging, and the Internet, nobody actually talks with each other anymore.

In a way, they are right. In the 21st century, you do not really have to talk to someone face-to-face unless you live in the same house or work in the same section they do. And some people do prefer non-confrontational communication to be their main method of conversation.

Social Anxiety

By far, the biggest challenge to conversation is fear. Maybe you are afraid you will say the wrong thing. You might also be afraid that people will expect you to be more charming and witty than you know you actually are. None of these are quite as terrifying as the biggest fear: that you will do something so utterly embarrassing that it will stick in people’s minds forever.

There are many ways to conquer this fear. The best way is to meet it head-on. Instead of being scared that you are going to embarrass yourself in conversation, the next time you are at a social function take a deep breath, walk over to someone who is not currently talking to anyone and introduce yourself. A large part of being scared stems from what could potentially happen, as opposed to what is actually happening. If you walk over and say, “Hi. My name is Susan. What do you think of the food here?” then you have taken away the chance that the other person is going to come over and put you on the spot.

Another good reason to go up to someone first is that you get to be in control of the conversation. Why worry about what to say when someone comes up and talks to you when you can go over and set the topic for the conversation? You will have the advantage of being comfortable with the topic, and you will appear more confident in the process.

CASE STUDY: OVERCOMING COMMUNICATION BARRIERS

Laura Aridgides, Ph.D. in biomedical sciences

Organization & Time Management Coach

OrganizeNOW, LLC

laura@OrganizeNOW.info

http://twitter.com/VermontSOC

“Hard, but not as hard as it used to be.” That is how Laura Aridgides, Ph.D., describes how she feels about starting a conversation. In networking events, she describes herself as a fish out of water. “But, because I know that I have to network,” Aridgides said, “I force myself to step out of my comfort zone and start conversations.”

Why does Aridgides find starting a conversation so hard? “I would say, for the most part, it’s the mental battle,” she said. “But when the benefit outweighs the fear of doing the action, then you do it. So those who need to start conversations for business have to have a strong WHY that will, in essence, force them to step out of their comfort zone and start the conversation.”

In order to overcome this fear, Aridgides relies on the “sink or swim” theory of practicing conversation skills. “Practice makes perfect,” she said, “so I would just tell you to put yourself in a situation that requires that you initiate conversations, such as a networking event or a chamber meeting, where you will have no choice. The more you do it, the better you get.”

Another hurdle Aridgides faces is knowing what to say. “I memorize a general ‘conversation-starting script’ so that I feel more comfortable in the situation,” she says.

Part of this script involves finding something that she has in common with the other person, or giving a sincere compliment. “For example, since I have children, if I see someone with children I could ask, ‘How old are your kids?’ or ‘Are there any good parks around here?’ For a compliment, I would say, ‘I love that sweater, where did you get it?’” of people, or just walk up to the side of the people talking, unless it is a personal conversation, which I don’t interrupt. Otherwise, I wait on the side until someone either acknowledges me, which someone should if they are good networkers, or I have something knowledgeable to say about whatever they are talking about, which almost always leads to my introduction and then full participation in the conversation.”

Once in a conversation, Aridgides urges people not to talk about themselves non-stop. “As the saying goes, God gave you two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk,” she said. “I do this by asking lots of questions, and then just listening to the responses. Then I ask another question about that person, and it keeps the conversation going. When I am asked a question, I make my response short and to-the-point, and then ask another question about them to get the focus off me and on to the other person.”

While Aridgides mentions her difficulty in jumping into a conversation, she makes the difficult task of leaving a conversation gracefully sound easy. “I usually excuse myself because I see someone else and say, ‘Excuse me, I see someone I need to talk to.’ In a networking situation, often the people just go in and out of conversations, so I can turn to someone nearby and ask them about their business, which in effect ends the first conversation and begins the second, even if I didn’t move at all. I can also ask for their business card, and once I get it and have given them mine, I just say, ‘It was nice to meet you.’ If there is something we have decided to follow up about later, I will mention that and then just move on.”

Aridgides appreciates social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace because they make communicating easier. “You can ‘talk’ without being face-to-face with the person, and you have time to think of something else to say. So it’s a lot less intimidating because you are not actually standing with that person and thinking moment-by-moment,” she said. “Also, there is no body language, which can make it easier for people to say what they know they want to say (or should say), without any nervous body language. On the other side, it is harder to read people online since you can’t see their body language. And I would say that relationships built online tend to take longer to build.”

Do Not Fear Rejection

On the other hand, you may be scared of being rejected. You may go over to a man who seems interesting enough, and as you finish introducing yourself, he politely excuses himself while you are in the middle of a sentence and goes over to talk to his friends. You cannot help but notice he looks like he enjoys their company a lot more than he was enjoying yours. Or more likely, he simply acts bored while you are talking to him, glancing down at his watch or letting an attractive woman who passes by take up more of his attention than you are getting.

There is no way around it. Being rejected can be hard on the ego, regardless of the context. If you are a naturally shy person, a rejection can even be crushing, or a confirmation of your worst fears: “I am uninteresting, and no one thinks I am worth talking to.”

If you start to feel like that, the first thing to do is calm down. Remember, the person rejected you after a short, superficial conversation. He did not really know you, so do not waste time being upset. Also, if someone spurning the pleasure of your company crushes you, it is probably because it was a significant blow to you. Therefore, the best way to make that rejection seem less significant is to make more attempts at conversation. Now for the ugly truth: Some people along the way will reject you and not want to talk. However, the more you try, the more successes you will have — guaranteed. The more successes you have, the more those will stick out in your mind, and the rejections you have endured will fade into the background.

What to do if You Flub Your First Impression

Sometimes things do not work out when you try to start a conversation. You might stutter a couple times when introducing yourself, or you may notice afterward that your sport coat had a glob of mayonnaise hanging off the lapel. If you are really unlucky, someone may have spilled punch on you, or you let out a belch when introducing yourself to your boss’s husband.

If you are already scared about going up to someone and making a fool of yourself, the thought that something could go catastrophically wrong is just another worry you have to deal with. Now, you are probably already aware that the chances of embarrassing yourself are slim to none when you approach someone to have a conversation. This does nothing to stop the part of your brain that is busy replaying for you every instance you have seen of someone humiliating himself and pleading with you not to be that person. The reality, however, is that you might embarrass yourself; it is a risk you take when interacting with anyone. This next section will tell you what to do in this section if something catastrophic does happen.

Handling embarrassment

1. Be graceful.

There are two secrets to handling embarrassment. The first is to be graceful. If you burp while you are introducing yourself, or if you stutter in your introduction, simply say, “Excuse me.” Then continue on. The person you are talking to is not likely to bring it up again. If you want, you can add a reason to your “excuse me,” something like, “I had a soda earlier tonight” or make a joke like, “I am obviously very excited to meet you.” You should not dwell on it the rest of the conversation, though. People who dwell are often just trying to get the forgiveness of the other person, and usually the other person will not bring it up on his own because he or she does not want to embarrass you. Just move on with the conversation.

Being graceful during a major faux pas is harder, but it may be more important than how you act after a minor misstep. If someone happens to accidentally stain your dress with punch, try to get as much out as you can, then calmly excuse yourself to the nearest restroom to see how much damage you can repair. After you have done what you can, you may want to inconspicuously leave. If you cannot, acknowledge the incident if someone else brings it up, then calmly change the subject to something with which you are more comfortable. If you should happen to be the one spilling the punch, then apologize sincerely, aid in cleaning up the mess, then help the other person to fix the damage as much as possible.

2. Come back for more.

The second secret to handling embarrassment is this — come back for more. While you may still be beating yourself up for spilling wine on a very important person while you were representing your company at an awards ceremony, you must not let it be the last time those people see you. If you never go to another social event with the same people, then it is what people will always remember you for doing. The only way you can make that memory more forgettable is to repeatedly go back and talk with the people who witnessed the event. Eventually, the humiliating episode will be just one of a number of memories people have about you. And the time you spilled wine on the very important person? That will be recognized as an aberration in the overall experience that is talking with you, and someone may bring it up every so often. However, people will usually be willing to forget it ever happened, or joke in a friendly way about it. You know that you are more than your mistakes, and now is the time to show this to other people.

Non-Starters: Attitudes and Tactics That Can Kill a Conversation

Outside of rejection, there are still a number of mental blocks people have that prevent them from going out and talking to other people. Some of these attitudes stem from fear; some from a misperception; and some are just the result of bitterness and envy.

Not every conversation is an argument

The thought that every conversation has to be an argument is a common attitude that can become a problem in conversation. While a disagreement of opinion is fine, an arguer’s goal is to find your point of view, determine how it differs from her own, and then pick it apart in favor of her own “superior” point of view. If she is not especially tactful, she may say, “Well, that is a stupid idea” or “You cannot seriously believe that.” More subtle comments include “How did you come to believe that?” or “Who told you such a thing?”

Constantly arguing with other people and tearing down their opinions often occurs because the person is afraid of being wrong. Therefore, the more arguments they win, the more they see their arguments as being right. Winning arguments also makes them look smarter.

Over time, however, this attitude will chase people away. If this is your attitude toward conversations, people will still talk with you, but they will be guarded — why open yourself up to a put-down or have your opinions destroyed repeatedly if you do not have to? While people with this mindset may think that they appear more intelligent than those they talk with, the truth is that they come off looking more like bullies.

How can you tell when you are being argumentative? The next time you are talking to someone, watch your reaction when they say something with which you disagree. Do you automatically leap to “correct” them? Do you imply that their opinion is wrong or worth less than yours? If so, you might be an argumentative type of person.

How to clearly state your position

The first step in order to avoid being argumentative is to realize that your opinions may not be perfect, either. When someone has a different point of view than you, try to understand why he has that opinion instead of trying to disprove it. Ask questions about his point of view, and show a genuine desire to understand. Not only will this encourage more conversation, but it will also encourage your friends to open up to you again.

On the other hand, you may actually disagree with someone and want to state your views, but you do not want to kill the conversation. Follow the guidelines below in order to argue with someone while still maintaining the conversation:

- Avoid making statements that put other people or their ideas down. Saying things like “That is a stupid idea,” or “How could you possibly think that?” may be tempting to say, especially if the other person’s arguments strike a nerve. However, that will not contribute to the discussion. Either the other person will be bullied into not saying anything, convinced that her idea was, in fact, stupid, or she will be spurred to insult your ideas in the same way you insulted hers. It is a good prelude to a yelling match, but not a conversation.

- Calmly state your argument once the other person is done expressing his ideas. Begin by saying something like “Well, I think…” or “In my opinion…” or even “I respectfully disagree.” Being respectful usually leads to discussion, rather than straight arguing.

- Make sure you get the chance to state all your views. If the other person tries to interrupt and debate you on one particular point, gently remind him that you listened to his side, and you would appreciate him doing the same. Other ways to phrase this are “Hold on, let me tell you my side so you know where I am coming from,” or, “If you let me finish, you will have a better idea of my position.”

- After you are finished, let the other person express his or her views. Remember, let him or her talk and get a complete thought out before you respond. You will find that when you are arguing with someone, both of you tend to interrupt more as you get more emotional about the subject. Try to keep your emotions from running away with the argument and you will have a better time.

- Continually assert yourself if the other person becomes upset or angry with you. Let them know that he or she will get a turn to speak after you have had your say. It should be understood that you must let the other person have his say; otherwise, you come off as hypocritical.

- When arguing with someone, you may come to the point where you realize that you are not going to find any common ground with this person. In that case, it is best to just gracefully withdraw. Let him know that you respect his opinion, even if you disagree with it. Or use the old favorite, “We will have to agree to disagree, then.” Even though you may feel the other person is wrong, he still has a right to his views. For that matter, so do you.

Ask for an explanation

Another conversation-halting attitude is being afraid to admit you do not know what the other person is talking about. Some people fake knowledge when the conversation shifts to a topic they know nothing about. While you might be able to bluff your way through the conversation, you automatically remove yourself from being able to make any kind of meaningful contribution. Worse yet, if you are caught lying, people will be less inclined to talk to you. Instead of faking, honestly say, “I am sorry, I do not know what you are talking about. What is it?” Not only will you not have to worry about getting caught up in a lie, but the other person in the conversation will be happy to share his knowledge with you. He will feel good for being able to explain something to you, and you will feel good because you will learn what everyone is talking about. It is a win-win situation, and all it costs is some false pride.

Avoid stereotyping

Another attitude that can get in the way of conversation is stereotyping. Looking at someone and assuming you know what he is like based on his clothes, hairstyle, or skin color can kill a conversation. For example, seeing a man covered in tattoos does not mean he is disrespectful to others or owns a motorcycle — this may be the stereotype, but it does not mean it is true. Instead of getting to know a person, stereotyping leads to you talking to him as though you already know what he is like, and that leads to you being stereotyped in the process.

While stereotyping frees you from having to evaluate every person you see from scratch, relying on it too much is a conversation killer. Instead, when you catch yourself stereotyping someone, ask questions about him, particularly about the parts you think you already know. Ask about the other person’s job, his taste in music, or his family. Above all, do not make comments that imply you know what the other person is like based on your stereotypes.

Hey, pay attention to me!

Everyone wants a little attention directed his or her way. It feels good to have your existence validated by other people, and feeling as though other people value your opinion is a huge boost to your self-esteem. Some people, though, are more assertive in demanding attention than others. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, some people will not be happy until the entire conversation is about them, focused on their experiences, opinions, and topics they are interested in. These all tend to be related to them through sheer coincidence. These people are known by many names — “spotlight hogs” and “drama queens” spring to mind — but their actions are the same.

Of course, you do not want to completely make yourself a nonentity in a conversation — that is just as bad. You want to share your ideas and opinions in a conversation. However, when you dominate a conversation, you are not talking to people; you are talking at them. You also may start babbling if you are nervous, but this usually makes people lose interest. These are one-way flows of information, and that can smother a conversation. Worse still, if you repeatedly demand all the attention in a conversation, fewer people will want to talk to you.

How do you know when you are hogging the spotlight? There is a very simple answer to this — the next time you have a conversation, keep track of how you feel during it. Do you start thinking of ways to turn the conversation back to yourself shortly after the other person starts talking? When you start talking in the conversation, do you tend to dominate from that point on? Do most of the questions you ask turn the subject of the conversation back to you? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” you need to give the people you are talking with a chance to get some attention.

Some ways of hogging the spotlight are more subtle than others. The game of one-upmanship is a way to steal the conversation while appearing to be part of the conversation in progress. Here is how it works: After someone has told a story about the new car he just bought, the One-Upper then says, “You know, that reminds me of the deal I got on my sports car.” Just like that, the conversation has shifted to the One-Upper. You will find a variant of this with people who commiserate; these people respond to a sad story by saying something like, “I know what you mean. This one time, I…” and the focus of the attention shifts to the commiserator.

BABBLING

Hoarding all the conversation time and talking at people is not limited to arguers and spotlight hogs. Sometimes people drone on and on because they are talking while nervous, also known as babbling. Unlike other attention-hoarders, babblers do not mean to take up the conversation or talk at other people. It is simply a nervous reaction, similar to getting tongue-tied.

If you tend to babble during a conversation, do not worry — there is a very easy cure. When you want to say something, pause. Think about what you are going to say, then say it. Do not elaborate unless someone asks. At first you may struggle a bit, wanting to give in to the temptation of elaborating on your ideas, making sure that people do not misunderstand you. After a few tries, though, you will find that you can give succinct answers with increasing ease, and that people’s eyes glaze over much less often after you have finished talking to them.

It is Better to Share

The first step to abandoning your title of drama king or queen is, ironically, to make your decision public. Tell your friends you are making a commitment to sharing the spotlight. If you feel secure enough about how you stand with your friends, ask them to help. This will start to pay off in the next conversation you have with them. Picture this: You are in the middle of a conversation with several people, and you have just shifted the subject back to yourself. As you are glancing around to see that everyone’s attention is fixed on you, you glance at your friend and see him staring at you. You will probably remember your vow to share the spotlight with others in a hurry.

By keeping yourself aware that you are trying to change your behavior, you will start to realize the times you are about to fall back into your old habits. Learn to recognize the signs that you are about to steal the spotlight from someone, and the next time those signs appear, inhale deeply and let it out again — without disturbing the person who is talking as you do so.

You can also let go of your spotlight-hugging tendencies by letting other people in on the conversation. When everyone is focused on someone else and you are interested in what she is saying, encourage her to say more. Listen closely and draw out more details from her. Doing this will pay off in two ways: Not only will it help to rid you of your desire to hog the spotlight, but it is also a huge self-esteem boost to the other person. Everyone likes attention, remember? This will eventually pay off long after you have stopped craving the spotlight, when the other person you were encouraging will encourage you to keep talking about a topic she finds interesting. When that time comes, go ahead and continue. Enjoy your moment in the spotlight, and hand the attention off to someone else when you are finished.

You might be asking yourself whether there is any time when you should be getting all the attention in a conversation, and the answer is yes. You are entitled to hog the spotlight for a bit if someone asks you what your job is like, or if someone asks for a professional opinion. If you are an archaeologist, for instance, you can talk for a couple of minutes if someone asks you about the last dig you went on, or what your opinion is regarding certain artifacts that made the news. You can also dominate the conversation for short periods if you are in a mentor position with someone.

In all of these examples, note that you cannot dominate the conversation all the time. If you want an arbitrary guideline of when it is time to stop talking, try conversating for two minutes. After that, pause and take stock of everyone’s interest. If they seem to still be interested, you can go on for a little longer. You might also want to pause to see if anyone has questions. This will give the other people in the conversation a chance to direct it while still letting you take the spotlight.

Why do Some People Hog the Conversation?

Most of the time, people want the spotlight for innocent reasons. Some people, though, may dominate the conversation because they think they are the only ones with something worthwhile to offer. They may start out innocently, by correcting a grammatical misstep or fact-checking someone else in the conversation. Once a person like this sees an opening, however, he will continue an assault on the conversation, slowly tearing apart everyone else’s point of view while defending his own. His goal is to enlighten you by showing you how his point of view is the only correct one. All he asks in return is that you acknowledge his obviously superior status above you. If you disagree with him, or actually argue, prepare to face a barrage of questions delivered in a tone that alternates between condescending and offended. For all of his questions, there are only two points he wants to make: You are not as smart as he is, so do not presume to question him — and because you are not as smart as he, you should not interfere while he is dispensing his wisdom upon the intellectually inferior.

Someone who dominates a conversation in this way may or may not be smarter than you. His flaw is not about being smart or socially unaware; the flaw is in being arrogant. If you suspect that you have adopted this attitude, there is one more step you need to take in order to stop hogging the spotlight. Remind yourself that other people’s points of view are just as valid as your own and deserve equal time. In fact, some people have the opposite problem you have: low self-esteem.

Self-Esteem

You might not believe you are someone other people would want to talk to, and this may be your reason for not wanting to start a conversation. Or, you may think other people would be offended if you initiated a conversation. You might even think you are boring, and that no one would want to talk to you. If this sounds at all familiar, you are probably suffering from low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, low self-esteem is pretty common in American society, and on some level, it is even encouraged. We qualify the compliments people give us, downplay our accomplishments, and in general berate ourselves more for our mistakes than we praise ourselves for our triumphs. Fortunately, there are hundreds of resources available to help you patch up your self-esteem and make you feel good about who you are. Below are some effective tips to help you feel better about yourself:

1. List your strengths. Everyone has them, including you. If you are not sure what your strengths are, ask people who know you, such as your friends or family. Your family in particular is usually the best resource for discovering your strengths. Find at least four or five strengths, write them down, and put the list in a safe place where you can look at it often, such as a desk drawer or the bulletin board in your home office. You might also want to make a travel copy to keep in your purse or wallet. Remind yourself of them from time to time. For instance, if you are feeling down because you cannot play basketball well, remind yourself that you have a great sense of humor. If you feel depressed because you do not think you are a good writer, remind yourself that you are good at playing the trumpet.

2. Remember that nobody is perfect. This can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, especially if you are comparing yourself to someone who is more popular than you. While you may be able to see all the ways in which you fall short, remember that other person has flaws, too. Maybe you have never heard him sing because he cannot carry a tune with two hands and a net. Maybe he is bad at math, or he is scared of dogs. Just remember: You have your strengths, and he has his.

3. Concentrate on improving your strengths. Think about what you can do to strengthen your good qualities. Maybe you could write a short story, or create your own stand-up comedy routine. Find a project that corresponds to your strengths — and work on it. The project does not have to be big. Getting an A on the next math test is perfectly acceptable, but so is making stir-fry for dinner or cleaning your desk.

4. Celebrate your victories. When you succeed at something, take a moment to congratulate yourself. Entirely too many people succeed at a project and refuse to let themselves feel good, even for a little while, because they are afraid other people might see them as being arrogant. Forget that attitude. When you finish a project or succeed at a task, congratulate yourself. If you get an A on that math test, take a few moments and feel good about what you did. If you baked some cookies that turned out well, celebrate your baking prowess. You deserve to feel good after succeeding.

5. Stretch your limits and impress yourself. Every so often, do something you did not think you could do. Take a dance class, read something at a poetry slam, or even volunteer at a homeless shelter. Nothing raises self-esteem like doing something you did not think you could do. You will impress yourself, and while you are busy being impressed, why not celebrate the fact that you succeeded in going beyond your limits?

6. Stay away from negativity. Of course, there is no shortage of people out there who will be more than happy to take you down a few notches if they think you are not doing a good enough job on your own. It is easy to criticize someone else, and a sad truth of society is that many people will rush to put you down just to make themselves feel better. During a speech in Paris in 1910, President Teddy Roosevelt had something to say about this:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.”

It is always easier to criticize. Do not hang around these people if you can possibly help it. Instead, make an effort to be with people who appreciate you. Your family is usually the best source of positive emotions and praise.

7. Stop thinking negative thoughts. Once you have stopped other people from unduly criticizing you, take the next step and stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. If you keep thinking that you cannot succeed, or that you will never be a good boyfriend or girlfriend, you will not. Your negative thoughts will lead to your failing, a phenomenon known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, first stop yourself. Take a one-minute break and calm yourself down. You might want to breathe deeply to help subdue yourself. Then acknowledge that you have limitations, but also say something positive about yourself. For instance, if you are thinking that you will be a bad boyfriend because you get tongue-tied, admit that sometimes you do not know the right thing to say. But then tell yourself that despite being tongue-tied, you can always remember important dates, like birthdays and anniversaries.

8. Honestly assess your weaknesses. When you feel that you have stemmed the tide of negativity in your life, you can take a look at yourself and honestly assess your weaknesses. However, do not let yourself be discouraged by them. Instead, acknowledge that they exist, and if they trouble you, start brainstorming ways in which you can overcome these weaknesses. If you are bad with managing money, for instance, make a commitment to yourself that you will record all your purchases at 8 p.m., every day of the week. Above all, remember: You are working on improving your weaknesses because it makes you feel good, not because you are worthless until you overcome your weaknesses.

9. Learn to appreciate yourself. No matter who you are, you do something every day that you can be proud of. Learn to spot those things and feel good about yourself for doing them. Maybe you are well-organized. Maybe you paid a bill on time. Maybe you just got some ironing done. No matter what it is, take some time during the day and celebrate those little accomplishments.

10. Do not expect an overnight change. Raising your self-esteem is a process. It will take some time to establish the habits of congratulating yourself and focusing on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Do not be discouraged, though. Instead of focusing on the big picture of your self-esteem, just concentrate on the little day-to-day goals. By the time you make those goals a habit, you will be surprised at how much better you feel about yourself, and you will feel a lot better about walking up to people and starting conversations with them.

Conversation Among Different Personality Types

One of the subtler barriers to communicating with someone is when personality types clash. If you happen to be someone who likes to know all the details before making a decision, and you have a conversation with someone who makes choices based on instinct, the likelihood of you and her being able to effectively communicate is rather slim. When you know the different types of personalities and the way everyone communicates, you will be more likely to hold meaningful conversations with people.

The first question when discussing different personality types is this: How can you group personalities? One of the most commonly accepted ways is with the Myers-Briggs Type IndicatorSM. This test is now so common it can easily be found online, and it “grades” your personality by asking you questions that place you on one side or another of four dichotomies. A sidebar on how to find this test is included later in this chapter. The test is based on the theories of psychologist Carl Jung, who provided the first three dichotomies, while Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Myers-Briggs added the fourth dichotomy. This creates 16 different personality types. Psychologist David Keirsey has based his work on personality temperaments on the Myers-Briggs test, and his observations on the temperaments have been melded with the Myers-Briggs test over time.

The four main dichotomies

Introversion

You are introspective and reflective

Extroversion

You are outgoing and active

Feeling

You empathize with the factors involved and come to a conclusion that will be the best fit emotionally for all involved

Thinking

You make logical decisions from which you have detached yourself emotionally

Sensing

You gather and trust information that is concrete and tangible

Intuitive

You trust abstract information, such as random flashes of insight

Judgment

You prefer to have definite answers

Perception

You prefer situations to be open-ended

These four pairs of dichotomies combine to form your personality type. A person might be INFJ — introverted intuitive feeling judging — for instance. The different personality types have their own way of communicating, which may not be understood by the others. General guidelines do exist for communicating with each dichotomy type.

Introverts

What about talking to the extrovert’s mirror image — the introvert? As you might expect, introverts are not spontaneous conversationalists; their energy gets drained from interpersonal interaction. They like to be alone, and they have many independent activities that they feel comfortable doing alone, so loneliness is not a problem. They are also better at understanding nonverbal communication. Due to their reserved natures, an introvert is more likely to have a small group of close friends as opposed to a wide network of people he or she knows on a first-name basis. Introverts can be hard to get to know initially, but as you get to know them, you will be surprised to find out how good they can be at having a conversation.

Unfortunately, when placed next to extroverts, introverts tend to fade into the background. Extroverts tend to misunderstand introverts’ quietness, mistaking it for being condescending. Extroverts may even view an introvert’s behavior as being weak, or as being an antisocial snob who needs to be put in his or her place. As you might suspect, introverts even have a difficult time talking to other introverts.

If you are not an introvert and want to talk with people who are, you will have to tone yourself down. Resist the urge to continue talking at them unless they try to force their way into the conversation. Instead, once you have finished with your thought, just stop and listen to what they have to say. You may even want to ask them to comment on your thoughts, remembering that if they disagree, they probably will not just come out and say so.

This brings up another point to remember when dealing with introverts — respect their privacy. It will take time to get an introvert to open up to you, so do not pry. This may be frustrating to extroverts, so while talking to an introvert, just remember they have a different thought process than you. In time, you might be surprised at how deep a conversation you can have with an introvert.

Extroverts

Extroverts are easy to talk to. They thrive on interaction with others and actually draw energy from the people around them. They are also very excited to participate in group activities. They like talking to someone in person versus over the telephone or through e-mail or instant messaging, and you do not have to worry about what they are thinking — they will tell you exactly what is on their minds. They tend to say what they mean, without hidden levels of subtlety.

Despite what you might expect, extroverts are not perfect at holding conversations with others. Their directness is often accompanied by a lack of thought over whether they should say something before they have said it. This can result in hurting someone’s feelings. When talking to introverts, extroverts have a tendency to steamroller themselves over the introvert, not giving her a chance to get a word in edgewise. This can look bad to introverts, and they may see an extroverted person as being superficial if they do not keep thoughts in reserve. Introverts might also see an extrovert as insincere, because an extrovert’s talkativeness may come across as being too friendly to an introvert.

When talking to an extrovert, you will want to keep in mind that an extrovert may be a master of small talk. You will also want to make sure you look interested while you are talking with him or her, and give constant feedback about how you feel. You may even want to start a conversation with her.

Feelers

Feelers are, of course, more concerned with emotions. They are empathetic to other people, and when they talk to people, they are friendly. They consider values rather than facts, and assess the effect of those values on other people. When they want to persuade someone, they speak to someone’s emotions, and their arguments are subjective. However, they are also inviting to other people talking to them. As you might have guessed, feelers are not very objective. They can let their emotions and enthusiasm get the better of them. As a result, a feeler is more likely to meander than a thinker is. Since a feeler generally relies on his emotions, expressing negative emotions, like anger or sadness, is not easy, as they can get swept up in the feeling.

If you are going to communicate to feelers, talk about how your ideas affect them. Make sure the feelers see that your ideas are meaningful to them in some way. Do not just state the facts, and be ready to acknowledge any paradoxes a feeler brings up. Remember: You are talking to someone who is more interested in living life than having it all make sense in the end. When you are listening to a feeler, make sure you express appreciation for their contributions. Figure out what their feelings on the issue are, and speak to them.

Thinkers

Thinkers and feelers function similarly to sensors and intuitives. A thinker prizes rational thought and, as such, is very rational and objective. In order to maintain their objectivity, they are also precise. They tend to shun personal involvement, and as a result they are fair-minded in their style of thought. Thinkers love discussion and debates, and they are focused on their goals. Thinkers do not like to fritter away time.

Thinkers can be cold, though. Their devotion to being objective and rational can make them seem impersonal, and they may be too critical of others, especially if others need to be supported instead of criticized. Their preciseness and goal-oriented mindset can be tedious to deal with, and while their critical-thinking skills are to be applauded, the ideas they devote their skills to may be less so. Imagine the best printing press in the world churning out copies of the National Enquirer and you have a good idea of the problem.

Conversing with a thinker requires keeping small talk to a minimum and focusing on the facts. Do not go into detail about how you feel about the facts; just state them and make your argument. You will want to be objective, though. Do not show a bias unless you can objectively prove it. Thinkers also appreciate when you point out the pros and cons based on the facts. Seeing both sides of an issue is a good way to see an argument from a thinker’s point of view.

Sensors

Communicating with a sensing person requires a logical approach. Sensors are concerned with usefulness and are very detail-oriented. They can give specific examples, and their preoccupation with order, timeliness, and cost means that they can set and follow schedules. Of course, sensors are less experienced when they think about theories and creating possibilities out of facts. They may be seen as pessimistic because they are problem-solvers and, as a result, look for problems to solve, and they can be concerned about facts to the point of nitpicking.

When you talk with a sensor, avoid using symbolism and metaphors, although you might be able to slip in a simile here and there. Instead, be direct. Talk about things that are already possible, and discuss conclusions that you can draw from factual information. Sensors are less prone to be convinced by enthusiasm and may dismiss overly enthusiastic people as irrational, so be even-tempered when talking to them.

Intuitives

Since intuitive people are the opposite of sensing people, their communication style is less fact-based. They rely on their hunches and their imagination, and they come up with ideas based on flashes of insight and consideration of possibilities. When they talk, intuitives use language that speaks to the right brain — the emotional side. They use metaphors and symbols. You also do not want to talk to intuitives about a schedule, since their style of thinking leads them in their own direction, away from the established agenda. They also love unique and original approaches to ideas, and function very well as abstract thinkers. The downside of talking to an intuitive is that they can sometimes be unclear about their ideas, since they are wrapped up in colorful language. They may also drive sensors crazy with their ideas of possibility and abstract thinking, and many practical-minded people see communicating with intuitive thinkers as a waste of time.

When you talk to intuitives, be sure to express your views in an original way. Usually, this means simply making your speech more colorful and embracing the intuitive’s style of using colorful language. Since the colorful language intuitives use is a way for them to draw comparisons and relationships, do the same when discussing ideas with them. Interpret facts, and do not rely on them too much. For intuitives, personal experience trumps stating facts, and the conclusions drawn from facts do not always match up with their experiences.

Judgers

The final axis is judging and perception. A judger is a purposeful communicator, with his or her mind set on finishing tasks and sticking to schedules. Judgers prepare well in advance, and their goal is to seek closure on an issue. If you do not like needless digressions, you will love working with judges. However, judges can be killjoys. They usually do not like surprises, and they are generally inflexible and lacking in spontaneity. They can be overly serious at times, and their desire to close the book on issues can lead them to make decisions without having all the facts available. When you talk to a judger, be decisive. Do not agree with their line of reasoning and then point out a hole in it; instead, tell them plainly what you think and explain your thought process. You will also want to be timely when communicating with a judger.

Perceivers

Perceivers, being the judgers’ opposites, are more flexible in their thinking. They can accommodate different points of view, and they focus on options rather than conclusions. They are more likely to come up with contingency plans, and they adapt better than judgers. They respond better to new data, too. Of course, perceivers are not as decisive as judgers, and they can even be indecisive. Their flexibility can lead to being unprepared, and their constant attempts to see all the options can lead them to undermine themselves. Their attempts to consider all the information can also lead them to make the right decision, but too late for it to do any good.

When you are talking with a perceiver, expect the unexpected. The flexibility of a perceiver all but ensures that the conversation will be disrupted. You will also want to consider both sides of the issue you are discussing, and follow the perceivers’ lead by avoiding jumping to conclusions on an issue. Judgers may enjoy talking to perceivers, though, because perceivers can benefit from someone providing a bit of control.

Personality Sub-Types

These four pairs of dichotomies combine to form your personality type. A person might be INFJ — introverted intuitive feeling judging — for instance. The test is based on the theories of psychologist Carl Jung, who provided the first three dichotomies, while Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Meyers added the fourth dichotomy. This creates 16 different personality types. Psychologist David Keirsey has based his work on personality temperaments on the Meyers-Briggs test.

ISTJ: Introversion/sensing/thinking/judging. Keirsey calls them Inspectors. These types are well-organized, sensible, and learn best when they are given exact directions. They are not theoretical thinkers. About 11.6 percent of the world’s population are Inspectors.

ISFJ: Introversion/sensing/feeling/judging. They are called Protectors. These types are meticulous, responsible, and observant. They are very thoughtful, and they tend to be caretakers for other people. They are quiet people, and may be mistaken for being aloof when in reality they are just shy. They make up 13.8 percent of the population.

INFJ: Introversion/intuitive/feeling/judging. They are Idealists, according to Keirsey. They are private people, although they are well-liked by their friends. They tend to not open up to many people, and if their feelings are hurt, they may simply go away rather than confronting the problem. Their main goal is to get a better understanding of themselves and those around them, then work to make things better. Only 1.5 percent of people are Idealists.

INTJ: Introversion/intuitive/thinking/judging. Keirsey calls them Masterminds. It is one of the least-encountered personality types — only 1 percent of the population are Masterminds. These people are pragmatic, but they do have a creative, individualistic streak in them. They tend to keep in the background as they develop their own theories.

ISTP: Introversion/sensing/thinking/perception. They are Crafters. They are very tool-oriented and usually focus on mastering one specific tool. They are reserved and task-oriented. They keep to the background — but when they do communicate with other people, they are very adept at getting others to go along with them. About 5.4 percent of the world is ISTP.

ISFP: Introversion/sensing/feeling/perception. They are called Composers. These types make up 8.8 percent of the population, and are firmly oriented in the present. Composers are extremely perceptive in the temperament of others, and notice differences in the world around them sooner than other personality types. They are reserved when talking to other people, and sympathetic to the people with whom they interact.

INFP: Introversion/intuitive/feeling/perception. Keirsey calls them Healers. They make up 4.3 percent of the population. Healers are typically devoted to causes and are generally selfless in their devotion. The fact that Healers are very compassionate means they choose causes intended to benefit society. Healers are very emotional, and may get themselves into trouble by not considering the facts. Their empathy means that they can relate well to other people, but they are comfortable working alone.

INTP: Introversion/intuitive/thinking/perception. These are Keirsey’s Architects. They are very analytical and introverted to the point where they may shut out people in order to focus on the task at hand. This means they are not easy to get close to, and they do themselves no favors by pointing out the inconsistencies and errors in other people’s trains of thought during logical conversation. Architects are excellent debaters, but their constant attempts to be efficient can come off as arrogant to others. Architects make up 3.3 percent of the world.

ESTP: Extroversion/sensing/thinking/perception. They are Promoters who make up 4.3 percent of the population. They are very expressive and good at persuading people to do what they want. They are the ones who seem to always know where the best parties are or what the latest fashion trends are. Promoters like to be surrounded with the finer things in life, but they also like to share their wealth with others. They like to sell themselves, and promoters are very gifted at getting other people to trust them, which is a definite advantage in conversations.

ESFP: Extroversion/sensing/feeling/perception. They are Performers, the kind of people who walk the balance between informative and colorful when talking to others. Performers have a lust for life, and they live for the day, trusting that everything will eventually work out. They do not like to be alone, which is good for the people around them, because performers also tend to be extremely generous. ESFPs make up 8.5 percent of the world.

ENFP: Extroversion/intuitive/feeling/perception. They are Champions and make up 8.1 percent of the population. As their name suggests, they champion causes, ethics, and justice in general. They are charismatic, especially when championing a cause, and are very aware of the social environment. They are focused on what is possible, yet they are also sensitive to the needs of others. Champions can be spontaneous, although they may clash with people who are resistant to change.

ENTP: Extroversion/intuitive/thinking/perception. These are Inventors. They are nonconformists, pragmatic, and introspective. They rise to challenges, and they are always looking for something new on which to work. Inventors use their social skills to convince other people to accept their ideas. Inventors are good conversationalists and are not judgmental. They see no reason to go along with tradition unless the facts back it up, and that is the Inventors’ weakness. They are prone to debate instead of discussion, which may alienate people who might otherwise support them. Inventors make up 3.2 percent of the population.

ESTJ: Extroversion/sensing/thinking/judging. They are Supervisors and the ones who are the leaders in non-profit and civil service positions. They are traditionalists, and no one has quite mastered the tried-and-true ways of doing things like a Supervisor. In conversation, Supervisors are adroit at expressing themselves, and are very straightforward. They make up 8.8 percent of the population.

An ESFJ: Extroversion/sensing/feeling/judging. They have Provider personalities. Like Supervisors, they are traditionalists, but extremely outgoing. They are very concerned with current events, particularly neighborhood news. They are also likely to begin talking with strangers. When talking to others, they are empathetic to the point of self-consciousness. Criticism can easily hurt a Provider, since they like to be appreciated. ESFJs make up 12.3 percent of the population.

ENFJ: Extroversion/intuitive/feeling/judging. They are Teachers, who look for the best in everyone and try to bring it out. They are extremely intuitive and tend to mirror other people in order to develop emotional bonds with them. Perhaps this is why they are so good at understanding how other people think and feel. Most of their communication with other people entails concern for them and attempting to help solve other people’s problems. They are tolerant, enthusiastic, and sympathetic. Teachers make up 2.4 percent of the world’s population.

ENTJ: Extroversion/intuitive/thinking/judging. They are also called the Field Marshal, and they encompass one of the smallest numbers of personality types, just 1.3 percent of the population. They are good strategists, and use their propensity for both logic and abstract thinking to construct new ideas after breaking down and refining existing ideas. Field Marshals rise to leadership positions and are very goal-oriented. They are straightforward and analytical, but not bound to tradition. They may hurt some feelings along the way, as they may ignore emotional needs in favor of factual information.

FIND YOUR TYPE

If you would like to know what personality type you are according to the Myers-Briggs test, several versions of the test are available. The Web site Human Metrics has a free Myers-Briggs test at www.humanmetrics.com, as does the Personality Test Center at www.personalitytest.net and Similar Minds at http://similarminds.com. There are plenty of other Web sites that will also administer a Myers-Briggs test and charge you for the results and analysis.

If you want to pay for a result, make sure your money is well-spent. Find a qualified analyst at the web site of the Association for Psychological Type International (www.aptinternational.org), or go to the Center for Applications of Psychological Type to take an online assessment (www.capt.org). Be warned: Qualified analysts will charge more for their services than other companies that charge to analyze your results.

Conversation and Different Cultures

Talking with people from a different culture can sometimes prove a huge obstacle to conversation. The big reason behind this is that many people freeze up, becoming self-conscious about not presenting a bad stereotype of their culture while they are talking. Talking with people from other cultures does not have to be stressful; in fact, it can be very rewarding. You will learn a lot about how similar people are, regardless of their customs.

When you meet someone, remember that a handshake is considered polite in many countries other than the United States. It is considered polite in most parts of Europe and Eastern Europe, the Philippines, South America, Greece, Japan, China, parts of Africa, Mexico, Canada, and Russia. You can use a medium-strength handshake in the Middle East, including Israel and India — but only if you are male.

For example, in Switzerland, three kisses on the cheek is seen as a polite greeting for two people who know each other well and have not seen each other for an extended period of time. Hugs and other displays of emotion or affection among Swiss people are not seen as widely socially acceptable. If two people do not know each other very well, a handshake is always acceptable when seeing each other after any period of time. Also, if two people do not know each other very well, avoid talking about personal subjects.

In other countries, such as those in Asia, you may also see some people bowing to each other, and want to do the same to be respectful. While this is an admirable gesture, you are better off just nodding your head. Bowing, particularly in Japan, is a complex social maneuver that depends upon your social status and the other person’s social status. Bowing your head is easier and conveys just as much respect coming from a foreigner. Additionally, most Asian countries do not accept kisses on the cheek as a widely socially acceptable greeting.

Interesting Greeting Customs Around the World

- In Niger, people in the Kanuri ethnic group say “Wooshay!” which means “Hello,” while shaking one fist at head level.

- In New Zealand, members of the Maori close their eyes and touch their noses together.

- In Jamaica, greet someone informally by saying “Waapun,” a word that is a condensation of the phrase “What’s happening?”

- In Greece, you will slap someone’s back as often as you shake hands.

- In Cambodia, press your hands together, palm first, and hold them against your chest. The closer your hands are to your head, the more respectful the greeting.

- In Grenada, handshakes between friends are replaced by a fist bump.

- In Central America, hugging is more permissible. Even if you are only slightly familiar with someone, you may find yourself being hugged.

- In France, a friend may greet you by kissing you on both cheeks. This is also the custom in Spain, Italy, and Portugal.

- A smile is the symbol for friendliness throughout the world, but members from more reserved cultures may not smile during a formal introduction.

- In Islamic cultures, members of the same sex hug each other during a greeting. Members of the opposite sex will not touch each other at all.

- In England, you say “hello” without shaking hands. You may shake hands if you are meeting someone for the first time.

- In Tibet, sticking your tongue out at someone as a greeting is actually considered polite. It demonstrates to the other person that you have no evil thoughts.

Outside of the greeting, there is the issue of personal space, which can be even more intimidating to people than figuring out how to shake someone’s hand. In Italy and South America, for instance, personal space only extends out about 1 foot. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Japan, where everyone gets 3 feet of personal space to themselves.

The best way to handle this is to stand about 2 feet away from someone who is from a different culture when talking to them. If you are an American, that is just a step away and it lets you easily adjust your distance, depending on the culture you are dealing with.

TO LOOK OR NOT TO LOOK?

One behavior that has caused numerous cultural conflicts is whether to establish eye contact. In many societies, establishing eye contact is a sign of respect or honesty, while avoiding eye contact is a sign of shiftiness or dishonesty. However, in several Asian countries, avoiding eye contact is a sign of respect. As an example, Asian students who have immigrated to the United States and American teachers who are teaching English at Japanese schools have had difficulty while communicating, as Asian students do not look at their teachers while talking.

Once you start talking, you might wonder what subjects you should stay away from in order to avoid offending people. The way to do this is almost absurdly simple. As a general rule, do not bring up stereotypes or unpleasant chapters in their country’s history. However, this does not mean you should completely avoid the topic of the country or history altogether — just try to keep the conversation positive. Talk about some of the country’s history, or some of the cultures. For instance, when talking to a German you can ask about Oktoberfest, lederhosen, and the kinds of beer available, and you might even want to politely ask why Germany values its beer so highly. You will find that people from other countries love to discuss their culture and their values with other people, particularly if they are really curious.

Do Not Assume

One of the most important rules you should remember when talking with someone from a different country is not to assume. For instance, you may be talking with someone who speaks in a French accent, but that does not necessarily mean he is from France. Switzerland and Belgium citizens both speak French, and a Belgian with a French accent may be impossible to distinguish from the accent of a true French citizen. Or if you meet a person with Asian features, do not assume he or she is from Japan or China because Thailand, Singapore, Cambodia, Vietnam, Taiwan, and South Korea are all viable options. For that matter, do not assume he is from Asia; he might be from Cleveland, for all you know. Instead, play it safe and just ask people where they are from. They will not be offended, and you will have saved yourself a lot of trouble, not to mention potential embarrassment.

English as a Second Language

While it is entirely possible that you will be speaking to someone from another country who knows English as well as her first language, it is also entirely possible that you will not. Trying to learn a second language is tough, even without all the cultural slang and idioms. You may know what you mean when someone says “That rocked!” but someone from another country might be wondering what a rock has to do with liking something.

In order to better talk with someone from another country, make yourself speak clearly and slowly enough to enunciate your words. You will also want to avoid long sentences when talking with a non-native speaker. Use short phrases, be patient while the other person tries to translate, and listen closely when he answers. Remember that speaking a foreign language where everyone is fluent leads to many people feeling self-conscious, and perhaps slightly embarrassed, about their inability to express themselves with eloquence. If you are talking with a non-native speaker and he apologizes for his lack of familiarity with the English language, encourage him. Say “Actually, I think you are doing very well! How long have you been studying English?” Not only will you encourage him to continue the conversation, but you have just slipped in another open-ended question and moved the conversation forward in the process.

TOO FORMAL, OR NOT FORMAL ENOUGH?

The chances are good that if you are reading this book, you are an American and are used to speaking informally.

As a result, most countries see Americans as being very friendly. However, Americans are also seen as being too aggressive with their informality — being too familiar with people from other countries before their culture finds the familiarity acceptable. In general, try to keep yourself more formal and reserved when you are talking to people from other countries. Of course, some countries have the reputation as being less formal than Americans. Italian culture, for instance, is usually considered boisterous, especially considering their animated conversation style and their smaller circle of personal space.

Give Them a Break

When talking to someone from another country, chances are she may say something about your country or its citizens that you really do not agree with. For instance, a common stereotype of Americans overseas is that they are loud, gun-carrying violent types. As an American, you know that is not true, but what if you are talking to someone from Latvia who says, “Why do all you Americans carry guns?”

If this happens, the best advice to follow is to not take offense. You may feel embarrassed at being confronted with the stereotype, and you might even feel indignant at being grouped into the stereotype, but do not take it personally. The person is curious, and he probably did not mean to offend you. Instead, let him know that it is a stereotype and does not apply to everyone. Say something like, “I can see why you might think all Americans carry guns, but most of us do not.” If no one you know carries a gun, feel free to tell him that.

However, you might fit into a stereotype. Suppose you do carry a gun, but you still want to disprove the stereotype. You can still tell your friend from Latvia that most Americans do not carry guns, and just not mention that you are carrying one yourself. If he asks whether you carry a gun, you are free to say you would rather not discuss the issue. However, if you do admit you carry a gun, you can use your admission as a way to educate him. Let him know that you do carry a gun, but it is not because you want to use it; instead, you carry a gun because of your profession, or because you want to defend yourself. You can also let him know about the steps a person has to take to legally carry a concealed weapon in America — not to mention the price you pay if you actually do shoot someone. Take the opportunity to educate the other person.

Another common mistake that people from another culture can make is asking questions that violate your sense of privacy. In America, asking someone how much she earns is often considered a breach of etiquette among all but close friends and family. So is pointing out physical flaws, such as being overweight or bald. If someone asks a question that you would prefer not to answer, do not take offense. You can try answering the question without giving away any personal information. If someone asks whether you are wealthy, for instance, you can discuss the salary range for people in your career, or talk about the people who are truly wealthy. (If you happen to be truly wealthy, you can just come out and say so.) On the other hand, you may want to gently let the other person know that he has asked a personal question. Tell him, “You know, in this country, we consider those kinds of questions personal. Would you mind if I choose not to answer?”

Table of Contents

Chapter 3

Body Language

Like most people, you probably think that everyone can understand the language you speak and the context you are using. But this is not always true. Sometimes, all it takes to break down communication barriers is a few symbols or gestures everyone understands. Knowing what symbols mean what in every culture can be a big help in breaking down the communication walls. In America, if we give the thumbs up signal, it means everything is OK, or that something was done well, but in other countries, it can mean something completely different. In Europe, it means the number “one;” in Australia, it means “sit on this;” in Greece, it means “shove it;” in Japan, it means “man,” or the number five. The shoulder shrug, however, is universal to every country as the “I don’t know” symbol.

The symbol for “OK” is seen differently than it is in the U.S., but is becoming more well-known around the world, partly thanks to American television being broadcast internationally. If you place you thumb and forefinger together in a circle with the remainder of your fingers extended, then you have the symbol for “OK.” Within the Mediterranean region, as well as Russia, Brazil, and Turkey, the “OK” symbol is understood as a “sexual insult;” in Tunisia, France, and Belgium it symbolizes “zero” or that something is “worthless;” and in Japan it means “money” or “coins.”

Misusing body language, whether accidental or deliberately, can lead to conversation barriers — long before words are exchanged. People who wonder why no one wants to talk to them usually have body language that inadvertently tells people to keep their distance. While you have ten seconds to get someone’s attention when starting a conversation, you may not be aware that you only have three seconds to form a good first impression. Just by looking at your body language, another person will be able to immediately tell if you are approachable for conversation or if you would rather be left alone.

Reading the entire body, as a cluster of gestures, before jumping to conclusions, is very important when developing social, personal, and business relationships. Insincerity or dishonesty can be detected when the cluster of body language clues are in conflict with one another. When a man tells a woman that he loves her, but then stares at another woman passing by, there is a conflict in what he is saying. The sincerity is not there when he says his words. Likewise, when someone says he or she is doing just fine, but the face is telling you the person is sad, it is then known that the person is not able to talk about his or her feelings. Knowing the when, why, where, and who of body language helps you discover the true meaning behind the nonverbal clues. Advanced information on body language is included in Appendix A.

Misreading Body Language

According to several studies, the latest one performed by Hickson, Stacks, and Moore in 2004, nonverbal communication amounts to between 63 percent and 93 percent of the information transmitted while talking. Therefore, knowing how people read your body language and knowing how to use body language are important factors in your communication skills.

Not knowing what a gesture’s true meaning is can cause you to misread a signal. Stereotyping or generalizing the meaning of a gesture can cause faulty interpretations of a gesture. For instance, someone who is grieving a loss will sit with his or her head in his or her hand, but someone who is bored with the conversation happening will also do this. The other person speaking may interpret the gesture for boredom as apposed to grieving or vice versa. If you are unsure of a meaning to a gesture, then consult someone who has more experience with the culture you will encounter. A teacher may have a better knowledge of the involuntary gestures children have, and a coach will have a better understanding of the gestures an athlete has. At the office, you will need to know how to act professionally and employ the right body language for the meaning you want to convey. Employee body language is covered more in-depth in Chapter 8 and in Appendix A.

While a lot of non-verbal communication is so ingrained as to be performed unconsciously, the good news is that you can intentionally use non-verbal communication to make yourself appear friendly, sociable, and a good listener. Just as you can select the kind of clothes that will make the best impression at an interview, you can employ the kind of body language that will make people want to come up, talk to you, and continue talking to you.

The Good Body Language Guide

Good body language is open and inviting, thus making people more receptive to the idea of going up and talking to you. Despite the name, body language is not a new language to be mastered, like sign language. Everyone uses body language, whether they realize it or not. When you smile while watching television, for instance, you are communicating that you are happy about the show that is being broadcast. When you scowl at the cup you are holding, you are signaling that you do not like the taste of the coffee.

All you have to do to create body language that invites communication is be aware of the techniques that create a good, open impression.

- Smile at people

- Keep your arms open and inviting

- Shake hands to establish physical contact

- Lean forward while someone is talking to show you are interested

- Nod occasionally

- Keep eye contact — but do not overdo it

Keep in mind that, if you put the first letter of each technique together, it spells SKSLNK. On second thought, maybe that is not very helpful.

CASE STUDY: BODY LANGUAGE ON STAGE

Charles Boyer

Musician

Lead singer, 5 Billion Dead

Charles Boyer has been a part of the local music scene for the past four years. He is currently the lead singer to a band call 5 Billion Dead. You can listen to his music by visiting www.myspace.com/5billiondead.

Boyer believes that as a musician he needs to understand the basics of body language in order to help his band succeed. As the front man, he has to be able to read the crowd and pump them up when they look lackluster. He is able to match his body language to the music by feeling it.

When the music is aggressive, he will act it out accordingly; and when it is mellow, he will relax himself. Boyer believes that the audience indeed pays attention to the body language of the band. The audience relies on the band as a whole to get them pumped up and to stay excited. The audience will notice their every move, even if they do not realize they do it. The audience’s reactions are all that matters to Boyer. He has to pay attention to what they do and don’t respond to. Portraying the raw emotions of the music with his body language involves his entire body and the way he carries himself.

When he is performing a sad song, that emotion will translate through his facial expressions and his slumped body language. He likes to use the memory of the emotion he used to write the song take over his mind, and his body language will adjust itself to portray that feeling. He has had people express to him how they felt when he was performing a certain song, so he believes that the audience understands and is able to read enough of his body language.

As far as using body language to convey a musician’s feelings in the music business, it can be either a pro or con. Usually, the audience believes in the emotions conveyed: The musicians who “let it flow” from the inside have an affect on people. However, some musicians try to create a certain way of expressing themselves on stage, and that comes across as contrived to most people. Pinpointing a person’s everyday body language is much more difficult than sensing the feel of the crowd as a whole. Boyer’s stage presence is 50 percent due to the audience’s body language and 50 percent of his musicianship. But, when it comes to his own feelings, he relies 100 percent on those to create the appropriate body language for the song he is singing.

Smile to be approachable

The first technique is the easiest — smile. Smiling indicates friendliness, implies openness to meeting other people, and sends out a nonverbal invitation for other people to smile back. If that were not enough of a draw for other people, a smile is also an implied compliment. So the next time you are at a party and see someone you want to talk with, smile at him or her.

Frowning, on the other hand, is a warning message to everyone involved. So is looking serious or deep in thought. When you are frowning or looking deep in thought, you are giving off signals that you do not want anyone to talk to you.

How should you smile at someone? After studying several smiling techniques, conversation expert Leil Lowndes has come up with one method she believes trumps the rest. When you see someone, do not immediately break out into a smile. Instead, stare at the person for a second. Take their measure, as your grandparents might have said. Then let a smile spread across your face. This works much better than flashing a quick smile at someone, because it gives the other person the impression that your smile is meant exclusively for him or her. It is a flattering assumption, and it will make him or her feel good about talking to you as long as the conversation lasts.

Keep your chin up

While you are smiling, remember to keep your chin up. Not only does keeping your chin up let that smile you are wearing be broadcast to the rest of the crowd, but it also makes you appear more confident. Here is a quick study — the next time you are at party or a business function, look at the most charismatic people in the room. You will see their chins are up, broadcasting their smiles to the rest of the world. They are open for business, and they are welcoming all conversation.

A good way to practice keeping your chin up is to look at the foreheads of other people in the room. The natural inclination for most people is to keep their eyes at eye level, but staring at forehead level is a slight difference that most people cannot detect. It will keep your chin up, making your smile more inviting. As an added bonus, it will also make you appear more confident, which is always attractive to people looking for someone to engage in conversation.

THE HANDSHAKE

Handshaking is an ancient ritual. It was reported as long ago as 2800 B.C. in Egypt. According to historian Charles Panati, folklore places the handshake even earlier and speculates that because the right hand is the weapon hand, presenting it open and without a sword came to be seen as a sign of peace and acceptance. Though archaic in origin, the handshake is still the most accepted form of greeting in our society in modern times. In both social and business situations, the handshake is important.

Welcome them with open arms

Another nonverbal signal that shows you are approachable is having your arms open. While crossing your arms may be comfortable, it sends out a strong signal to the rest of the world that you are annoyed or angry. For some people, it is a defense gesture. Drop your arms to your sides, or better yet have an excuse to keep them slightly away from your body. You will be sending out a cannot-miss nonverbal welcoming gesture.

This bit of information can seem counterintuitive. Some people try to get others to approach them by looking as though they are lost in thought, or pondering one of the great truths of the universe. This posture usually entails crossing your arms or putting a hand to your chin. The hope is that someone will approach and ask what you are thinking about, and a deep, meaningful conversation can ensue based off the initial deep thought. As you now know, this posture in fact has the opposite effect — people will assume you are thinking about something, but they will not want to interrupt you since you are thinking.

The habit of arm crossing can be very strong. In order to break it, keep one hand occupied. Get a drink and carry it around, or get a small plate of hors d’oeuvres. Women have an advantage here if they have a small strapless purse, which they can use the same way as a drink to stop their arms from crossing. You might also try to prevent your arms from crossing by sticking your hands in your pants pocket, but that will simply trap your arms to your sides, also signaling that you are closed off.

Other popular tricks for keeping your arms open include:

- Hitching your thumbs to your belt loops (very popular among cowboys and in the country)

- Draping your jacket over one arm (this works best when outdoors)

- Putting a hand on your hip (this is mostly for women)

- Carrying an object (also a great conversation starter)

Keeping one hand busy can lead into the next technique for good body language — touch. While excessive touching is frowned on in society, we also consider some initial touching polite, especially in the form of a handshake. The next time you go to talk to someone, stick out your hand and offer it for the other person to shake. They will naturally respond with their corresponding hand, and you will have made a connection.

Factors to remember:

- How your arms are displayed can make you appear to be on the defensive

- The handshake is the most powerful bonding tool in the business world

- Hand positions and movements can demonstrate the point you are trying to get across

WHO TOUCHES WHOM?

While touching someone is a way to make a connection, who can touch whom is also a way to establish power.

Psychologist Judith A. Hall conducted research in 2004 and 2006 showing that people who have a higher social rank will touch other people more than their inferiors do.

Touching is also different between men and women. Overall, touching a woman is more culturally acceptable than touching a man, a pattern that is established during infancy. Parents touch daughters more often and more gently than they do with sons. According to Hall’s research, this has led to men using touch in order to assert themselves and establish their control of a situation or person, while women use touch in order to show that they like something or someone. Women also use touch to demonstrate intimacy.

I am interested! I am interested!

Once you have established that you are receptive to talking with someone, you will want to focus on body language that lets people know you are interested in what they have to say. This can be accomplished by something as simple as leaning forward. When you are sitting next to another person who is talking to you, leaning forward indicates that you are interested in the other person and what he or she is saying. It encourages the other person to keep talking, secure in the knowledge that you appreciate what he or she is talking about. This can be counterintuitive for most people, who like to lean back while talking to someone else, especially during long conversations, in order to relax. Unfortunately, this posture signals to your conversation partner that you are not interested in what he or she has to say, or that you are not taking it seriously.

When you are leaning forward, do not lean in too far. At best, it will look awkward, and at worst you will be invading the other person’s personal space. To start with, stand straight, almost at attention. Then, lean in gently, as though you are going to stroke your chin with your hand. Actual chin-stroking, however, should not be attempted unless you are both a Victorian-era gentleman and have grown a goatee.

During a conversation, you will also want to nod occasionally to show understanding and agreement. Nodding also signals approval, so the person you are talking with will feel that you approve of what he or she is saying. However, moderate your nodding — you do not want to come off looking like a bobble head.

The eyes have it

The final piece of the puzzle when it comes to body language in conversation is eye contact. Unlike some of the other aspects of body language in communication, though, eye contact is more of a balancing act. Too much eye contact results in staring, which can make the other person feel extremely uncomfortable. Too little eye contact is just as bad. It gives the impression that you are not interested in the other person, and also gives him or her the impression that you are dishonest or shifty.

The best way to maintain eye contact is to start by focusing on the person’s eyes, then let your gaze wander over the person’s face. Try to picture his or her face as a painting, and let your eyes explore it. One warning, though — do not let your eyes concentrate in any one place, like the other person’s earlobes, for too long. Otherwise, the he or she may think there is something wrong with his earlobes. And as anyone who has ever felt that there might be something wrong with his or her earlobes knows, it can be very distracting during a conversation.

Look for these key eye movements in your next conversation:

- Looking up: a signal of recollection

- Looking down and to the left: a signal of contemplation

- Looking down and to the right: a signal of emotionalism

- Looking straight down: a signal for shame or sympathy

- Looking sideways: a signal for uncertainty or hostility

- Rolling the eyes: a signal of disinterest, impatience, or disbelief

CASE STUDY: HOW TO LIVE BY YOUR CONVERSATION SKILLS

Sarah White

Freelance writer, teacher, and networker

whitesarah@charter.net

Sarah White may have had the ultimate crash course in learning to talk to people. After getting just four days of training in a foreign language, she was sent on a Rotary International Foundation Group Study Exchange for five weeks. On that trip, she had to meet dozens of new people daily and speak with them in their own language. “After that, nothing was hard,” White said.

Now, as a freelance writer, a teacher, and a networker, White is ready to step into a conversation at a moment’s notice. However, people seeking to improve their conversations do not need to have an experience as stressful as White’s in order to improve their skills at small talk. “If you find it very difficult to talk to strangers, join a club where you will have something in common with other members — interest in food, history, community service, whatever. You might also want to join a club that does not include among its members people who will be important to your career,” she said. “If you are shy but want to learn to network with business people, start by joining a club for cat lovers, and learn to network with them. Your possibly embarrassing first efforts will take place where it doesn’t matter. Then, quit the cat club and join a business association when your skills are honed a bit.”

While many people can talk about the social benefits they have received in conversation, White’s skills at conversation have literally paid off. “I am able to maintain a profitable freelance writing practice entirely by referral, as a result of being a good conversationalist,” she said.

When at a social event, White watches body language to see who is open to a conversation. “Time your approach so you don’t ask your first question just as someone is taking a bite of food or juggling plates or something like that,” she said. Once she has selected someone, she then finds something in common with which to start the conversation. “Find some element of the situation you can form a question around, like ‘So how do you know our host?’ or ‘So how do you come to be in Venice this time of year?’” White advised. She is also a believer in using open-ended questions, because “they encourage the other person to open up, not just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and leave the ball back in your court.”

Another conversation starter that works for White is to ask for help. Examples that she uses are “I’m new to this organization; have you been a member long? Please tell me something about why you joined,” or “I just arrived in this town. Are you from around here? Can you recommend some things to see and do?” All these questions, White points out, are open-ended.

When networking, White feels that a conversation should last no more than five minutes, but she points out that the answer really depends on the situation. “A good conversation can go on about as long as a good dinner,” she said. “ More than two or three hours and you’re likely to start to tire and not retain information well, so let the topic rest and meet up again if you want to talk more.”

According to White, the best subjects for small talk are those of mutual interest. “Work with what you know of your conversation partner’s ‘public persona’ — the information anyone would have,” she said. “You can move to progressively more personal questions if it feels right in terms of the respect between you.” However, White cautions against giving out too much information, only “revealing as much as the other person has offered. Don’t spill everything too soon, or you’ll be like that airplane seatmate from hell.”

When it is time to leave the conversation, White opts for a polite, no-frills approach. “I say ‘Thank you, it’s been very interesting talking to you. Excuse me.’ No further excuses needed,” she said. If the conversation turns difficult, she lightens the mood by indicating that she respects the other person’s point of view, and throws in a bit of self-deprecating humor as well.

The “Core” of Body Language

Have you ever left a job interview and were sure you nailed it, but never got the call back? What about when a manager gives you a review, and she tells you that you are a valuable asset to the company, but never gives you a higher rating than “good” or “satisfactory?” After going on a sales call to land a new client, have you ever not understood why you did not get the account after you got along great?

By reading the posture, eye contact, and gestures of the people you are talking to, you can decode their true feelings toward you. In a business setting, understanding body language can be the most important tool you have. The best example of nonverbal communication is body language. It is important to be a great listener in an office environment, but it is equally important to look for nonverbal clues. Most people are able to understand what is going on in a conversation, without hearing a thing the other party is saying, just by watching their actions. If you are interested in testing your ability to read body language, try this experiment:

Go home and turn on the TV. Make sure you find a sitcom with a lot of dialogue between the characters, mute the volume and watch it. There will be times when you can read the lips, but pay attention to the characters’ posture, how they move their hands around, the amount of personal space between them, their facial features, and the way they enter and leave the scene. Even if you have never seen the show before, you can probably figure out what is going on and how the characters feel about each other based on these things.

This method can be applied in your life as well. It will take some time to master your ability to read the body language of others, but with the help of The Core Method of Acceptance (Consistency, Openness, Reaction, and Expression); it can be a little easier. These methods will breakdown the different types of body language and help you to understand how each one works. The relationship between each of these steps and acceptance is important to understand, but first, you should learn what each word means.

C — Consistency

Remember the failed interview you thought you had nailed and use it as the basis for the explanation of consistency. This means the body language of the person speaking should match up with the verbal communication. In this case, words were spoken but the body language was inconsistent with what was said. If you are too focused on what is being said, you will miss all the clues held within the body language and facial expression of the other party.

O — Openness

Once you have an understanding of body language and are able to recognize that verbal and nonverbal communication does not always match, you can then take the reins and change the course of the conversation. This will determine just how open the other party is to you.

R — Reaction

Some reactions people can convey include disdain, shock, pensiveness, and apprehension. These can be seen through body language, but you should be paying attention to the distance between you and the other party along with the tone of voice the person is using.

E — Expression

The other party’s expression will ultimately lead to a relationship or limit the amount of time the two of you will spend together. Understanding facial expressions and why they are made (consciously and subconsciously) can give you great insight into their thoughts and your acceptance level.

Using Body Language to Flirt

Detecting and expressing attraction toward another person can be obvious with our body language. Flirting is the main behavior that will occur — both sexes use their eyes to signal their attraction to the other person. The male counterpart may stare for a prolonged period of time, without blinking at the woman, where as the female counterpart may bat, or flicker, her eyelids, or give a series of short gazes toward the man.

Flirting can be done with clothing choices. Women choose their clothing, jewelry, makeup, and they pay attention to how their nails and hair look in order to appear more attractive to her male counterpart. She will accentuate certain parts of her anatomy in order to attract a man. When a man has a deep voice, toned muscles, or a risky job (such as a fireman or policeman), he is naturally more attractive to women. Many women are attracted to a man in a uniform, especially combat gear such as what a soldier would wear, or what police officers and firefighters wear. Men, on the other hand, may find a woman with a nice body or a woman with a higher IQ more attractive.

Body language plays an important role in flirting. Initial flirting all begins with body language. One person can look at another and determine whether he or she is going to flirt with that person by how he or she has positioned their body. Eye contact, interpersonal distance, posture, facial expressions, touch, and gestures all are a part of the flirting ritual. According the Social Issues Research Centre’s study on flirting, people respond to flirting in various ways. If he or she is receptive, you will find him or her making eye contact, allowing you to invade his or her personal space, his or her facial expressions will be genuine instead of forced, the person’s posture is facing and directed at you or mimicking yours, and lightly touching him or her will have a positive response. There are some who are responsive to it and others who are not. If the person is not responsive to your flirting gestures, then he or she will avoid eye contact, back away from you when you get too close, have a forced smile, only have his or her head turned toward you while speaking, and he or she will be uncomfortable when you touch him or her. There are some people who do not realize that the other person is not receptive to his or her flirting.

A German ethnologist, Dr. Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, was one of the first people to perform a study on flirting back in 1960. Scientist discovered that when people flirt, they use submissive gestures that convey they are harmless.

The harmless gestures are:

- Placing the palms of their hands on a knee or tabletop.

- Tilting their head while shrugging their shoulders.

- Being childish or playful.

The director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies, Dr. David Givens, discovered that women will constantly make a trip to the bathroom during the workday, provided that the person they are interested in has an office in that walking path, so that they can scout and be seen by the opposite sex. These are known as the “notice me” gestures that happen when the first phase of flirting occurs.

Women are better at reading flirtatious signals, because they spend so much more time perfecting them. Men are oftentimes oblivious to the signals and are seen as less perceptive. Women, according to studies, are the ones that initiate the courtship 90 percent of the time. This might be a surprising figure to those who believe men should pursue women first. If the man does not want to strike out, then he will wait for a signal from a woman before approaching her.

A woman being kind and friendly can sometimes be perceived as romantic interest from a man’s point of view, and they must be careful not to make this mistake. Men and women use smiling in different ways, and this is where the confusion lies. Women will use it to express their mood and men use it as a greeting gesture. It is because of these different uses of the same gesture that the man will think that the smile on a woman’s face is a courtship.

A perceptive person can spot a romance just from the body language of the two individuals involved. If you watch the way they interact with one another, you may notice the closeness of their body positions or that they cannot stop staring and smiling at each other.

There are obvious signs of flirting:

- It’s all about the eyes. Eye contact is the beginning of the flirting process, like with most nonverbal messages. It can be the most powerful and effective way to convey your message of interest to the opposite sex. Staring and exchanging stolen glances show an interest. Skilled flirters can use direction and the width of their eyes to send the person they are interested in messages.

- Your smile says it all. Smiling is an indicator of being attracted to a person. Smiling widely while in the other person’s presence and at the mention of their name, shows an interest in that person. In some circumstances this is a dead giveaway.

- In the phase of seduction or impression, changing the pitch of your voice. In order to sound more seductive, both parties will speak slower and deeper. Women will raise their voice to sound submissive, where a man will deepen his to sound more competent and confident.

Along with the indications listed above, there are many other signals that can perpetrate an interest, such as touching, stroking or twirling of their hair, giggling and tilting the head. Harmless flirting can be an unwelcomed occurrence. According to the article “Quasi-Courtship Behavior in Psychotherapy” by Dr. Albert Scheflen, when men and women are coming toward each other from a distance, their bodies get prepared for a possible sexual encounter, giving them a more youthful appearance overall. When a body prepares for a sexual encounter, these changes occur:

- The person’s baggy eyes and sagging skin decrease

- The sagging skin on the body seems to tighten up

- Chests stick out a little more

- Stomachs are sucked in

- Less slumping in posture

- Bodies stand more erect

Both parties continue to hold this posture until they have passed one another, and then they return to a normal position. The rejection clues should be obvious to everyone, because the body language will tell you that the advances are unwanted. The person who is avoiding eye contact, closes their body language, ignores statements, recoils to the touch, or grimaces is not interested and oftentimes people have difficulty in interpreting these signals.

Practice Makes Perfect

“Okay,” you tell yourself, “I now know how to show body language that is warm and welcoming. This is great, and it is really going to help me out. Now, how am I going to remember to do all this at the next social event I go to?”

The answer is simple — you are going to memorize your new body language. Do not worry; it is not as hard as memorizing the lines to a play or trying to remember the state of your company’s market share for the big meeting. What you are going to do to remember your new enhanced body language is use a common psychological technique.

Visualization is the first technique. Picture yourself walking through a door and into a party. Listen to the low-level chaos of 30 conversations all going on at once. Smell the pizza over by the snack bar. Now, as you are moving through this party, picture yourself smiling. Not a big, fake smile — just an easy grin, one that says you are at ease and comfortable. Next, picture yourself looking straight ahead, at forehead level. You are keeping your chin out. Now, as you see someone you would like to talk to, imagine yourself lowering your line of sight to stare into his or her eyes as you walk up and start to talk.

Visualize yourself doing this as often as possible, especially before a social event. If you do, you will be surprised at how easily projecting good body language comes to you, as though you have been physically practicing it for hours on end. As a matter of fact, visualization is essentially all practice. It is preparing you mentally, so your mind will know what to do when the time comes. Classical pianists and even long-distance runners use it to prepare for events. Do not worry, though — preparing to use good body language is nowhere near that demanding.

Artifacts and Impressions

Even after you have adjusted your body language and convey the demeanor of a pleasant person who anyone can approach, you may still have trouble getting people to speak to you. If this is the case, you might want to reconsider your sense of fashion. Your choices of clothing, sense of style, and even your selection of eyewear give off plenty of nonverbal cues that people use to decide whether they wish to talk with you. Your clothes and the accessories you choose give other people a sense of who you are. In the field of communications studies, they are called artifacts, and they communicate your heritage and your personal identity. For instance, if a woman is dressed in a business suit, she will be treated differently than if she is wearing a bridal gown or a pair of ripped jeans and a tank top.

Artifacts not only communicate our personal style, they also mark us as belonging to a certain group. A white lab coat and a stethoscope instantly identify someone as a medical professional, while the military has a distinctive style in both combat and civilian dress. In fact, at birth everyone is given artifacts “suitable” to their gender, ranging from colors of blankets to our parents’ selection of toys. Although currently parents try to be as nonsexist as possible, the odds are still pretty low that a father will buy his daughter a plastic machine gun for her birthday.

Your selection of artifacts influences how other people see you. Researchers Tracy L. Morris, Joan Gorham, Stanley H. Cohen, and Drew Huffman conducted research that showed college students expect a teacher’s assistant to have greater expertise if she dresses professionally instead of casually. However, the students also expected a teacher’s assistant to be friendlier and more casual if she was not dressed formally.

What this means in a business setting is that you will be judged by the clothing and accessories you wear, as well as how you wear them. If you wear a dress shirt that has a stain on it, you will be perceived as sloppy or of a lower social station than if you are wearing a clean dress shirt. While you may want to be seen as an individual, you have to walk a fine line between being yourself and fitting in with the crowd.

When dressing for a business event or a party, call ahead and find out what the dress code is. Is it casual, semi-casual, business casual, or formal? Once you have established the dress code, follow these guidelines:

- Casual: Blue jeans and a T-shirt will usually do fine for men and women. Shorts, skirts, and mini-skirts are also acceptable, depending on the weather and the location. This is the style of dress where you have the most freedom in expressing yourself.

- Business casual: Women should wear a nice top with a skirt, although they may be able to wear slacks or, occasionally, jeans. They may also wear high heels if they desire. Men should wear jeans or slacks, with a collared shirt. Usually a polo shirt is acceptable. Men should wear loafers by default with business casual. Note that business casual varies from one location to the next. If you are in doubt as to how fancy you should dress, be conservative and choose the more formal options.

- Formal: For men, ties are required. Suits, a dress shirt, and nice shoes should be worn. Women will want to wear a ball gown or evening dress, although women’s business suits are becoming increasingly common.

While the individualist in you may be screaming in agony over conforming, you do not have to completely submerge your identity. Choose one or two items that subtly make you stand out from the rest of the crowd, such as jewelry, or the patterns on your socks or your tie. Remember, you still want to be you.

Table of Contents

Chapter 4

Starting up a Conversation in 30 Seconds or Less

You know why conversation is important; you have faced the barriers you have to making conversation; and you have modified your body language to be more inviting. Now, you are ready to actually start making conversation.

According to Bill Lampton, a communications and speech expert, the first seven to 17 seconds of a conversation are the most crucial. This is all the time you have to get the other person’s attention. If you read that last sentence and did not feel even a little pressure, you are obviously a master of conversation who has no trouble walking into a room and talking to people. Every other reader, though, is probably feeling some stress, trying to imagine what he or she can possibly say in ten seconds that is going to be so interesting that their target will want to hear more.

The truth is, the people who do not feel pressure have the right idea. Hundreds of ways exist to get someone else’s attention, and most of them will leave you with time to spare.

Ritual Questions

The easiest way to get someone’s attention is through a “ritual” question, also known as an icebreaker — this is a tried-and-true method of getting some quick piece of information that also communicates a desire to learn more about the person you are talking to. There are three types of ritual questions, all of which can easily draw another person into a conversation.

DALE CARNEGIE AND THE 21ST CENTURY

One of the first forays into improving conversation is the book titled How to Make Friends and Influence People, written by Dale Carnegie and published in 1936. The book was well-received in its time, and many of its principles can be applied to talking with other people. Some of the principles he espouses are well-tested, like not smiling when you meet someone to condemn, criticize, or complain when talking to others. Some principles, on the other hand, have to do more with your overall attitude toward society, such as “become genuinely interested in other people.” Why would you continue to talk with people if the thought of having to listen to someone else bores you to tears?

Carnegie also says to admit when you are wrong, and to do it quickly and emphatically. Thus, How to Make Friends and Influence People is likely disliked immensely by congressional representatives everywhere.

Asking about an object

The first type of ritual question works by noticing something the person is carrying, like a book, a pet, or a sport or fashion accessory. Ask a ritual question that requires the other person to give you some information that relates to that item. Something like, “Where did you get your dog?” or “Where do you play tennis?” are sample ritual questions you can use.

These questions can be applied to almost anything the person is carrying. Some items, like musical instruments, are practically an invitation to ask the person about how long she has been playing, the kind of music she likes to play, and her favorite artist. Other items, like photographs, are subtler because they are usually more personal to the person. Regardless, asking a ritual question based on something someone is carrying is not meant to pry or obtain information; it is a way to show interest in the person.

Situational questions

A second type of ritual question depends on the situation you both find yourselves in. If you are both at a dance, you can ask the other person about what he thinks of the music, or the kind of music he likes to dance to. If you are at a non-franchise restaurant and are waiting in line with someone else, you can ask what he thinks of the restaurant’s food and whether he has any recommendations.

This type of ritual question can be combined with the first type of ritual question, particularly if you are somewhere like a movie theater or bookstore. Asking what someone is reading is an excellent conversation starter, as is asking if the bookstore or movie theater is the best one in the area.

Another great way to use this type of ritual question is to offer assistance to someone, provided he needs help. Mention that he looks as though he needs help first, then offer your assistance. As an example, you live in an apartment complex and see someone unpacking his car and taking suitcases into the complex. You could say, “I noticed you looked like you needed some help unpacking your car. I live in this complex; would you like me to help you out?” Alternatively, you could start by asking if he is a new tenant, and then say, “Well, I happen to live here, too. Let me help you with unloading, and I can tell you about the complex itself while we are working.”

If you cannot think of anything else, a ritual question that is good in any situation is to ask someone whether he is new in the area. This almost always results in a good conversation starter, as you can then ask him about how long he has lived in the area, or what brought him here.

When asking a ritual question based on the situation around you, remember to focus on positive points, rather than negative. Starting a conversation with a ritual question usually leads to a conversation that consists of griping, and while it is therapeutic to occasionally spill your guts to someone, you do not want to do it with someone you just met. After all, what do you want to be remembered as — that great person who was such a joy to talk with while waiting in line for the movies, or that person who held the view that most romantic comedies are just formulaic money-makers for big-name stars?

Questions about the person

The third kind of ritual question is to focus on something interesting about the other person. This is one of the most useful types of ritual questions because it could be anything — the latest model smart phone, a particularly nice piece of clothing or dress, an interesting hairstyle, or even a model Godzilla figure. This ritual question is sure to get anyone talking to you, so long as you start with a compliment. Unfortunately, all too often a question about something can be perceived as either a compliment or an insult, and the usual reaction of people who are not sure why you are asking about something is to give a guarded response. A compliment gives the other person a clear signal that you like whatever it is you have noticed, and that you are interested in learning more.

Some ritual questions, based on the above points of interest, could go as follows:

“Oh, you have a smart phone! I have always wanted one of those. What is the greatest advantage to having that particular model?”

“That is such a nice dress! Where did you buy it?”

“I really like your tie. Where did you get it?”

“That is a very nice hairstyle. How long did it take to get it done?”

“I love the detailing on that Godzilla figure. Where did you buy it?”

Note that all these questions, in addition to taking fewer than ten seconds to ask, have another thing in common — they are open-ended. They cannot be answered by a simple “yes” or “no,” the way closed-ended ritual questions can.

While closed-ended questions are usually not conducive to conversation, they can be used to make the person you are trying to talk to feel more at ease. Closed-ended questions can be advantageous because initially they are not prying. Asking several closed-ended questions in a row, however, can feel like prying and can make the conversation extremely awkward as well. How many times have you had a conversation that went like this:

You: “Hi!”

Other person: “Hi.”

You: (noticing she has a book) “How is your book?”

Other person: “Fine.”

You: (starting to feel awkward) “What kind of book is it?”

Other person: “It is a mystery.”

You: (casting about for any topic that can save this conversation) “Is it part of a series?”

Other person: “No.”

Notice that in this conversation, all the questions were closed-ended. The other person could answer most of them with one-word answers, which she did.

When you use closed-ended questions, follow them up with open-ended questions that give the other person a chance to expand on her previous answer. Here is an example, based on the previous conversation:

You: “Hi!”

Other person: “Hi.”

You: (noticing she has a book) “Hey, is that book good?”

[closed-ended question]

Other person: “Yes.”

You: (glancing at the cover): “It looks like a spooky book. What is the name of it?” [closed-ended question]

Other person: “The Hound of the Baskervilles. It is a Sherlock Holmes mystery.”

You: “I love Sherlock Holmes! I have read the short stories about Sherlock Holmes, but I have never had the chance to read The Hound of the Baskervilles. What is it about?” [open-ended question]

Other person: “So far, it is about a man who wants Sherlock to stop a hellhound from killing Sir Henry Baskerville, whose family apparently suffers from a curse that has been killing them off for hundreds of years.”

You: “How does it stand up to some of the other Sherlock Holmes stories?” [open-ended question]

Other person: “Well, I think…”

Notice that the first couple of questions were closed-ended ritual questions, focusing on the book and asking for information. Once the person had given that information, you could then pay a compliment about the book and ask open-ended questions about the details. From there, the conversation can go anywhere. You can ask the other person if he or she loves mysteries in general, or even talk about some of the books you like.

Sample open-ended questions

- What is the best part so far of that book you are reading?

- What was the first song you ever heard by your favorite band?

- How far in advance do you prepare your income taxes and why?

- What is your favorite radio station, and why?

- What is the best nightclub in the city, and why?

- What is your favorite movie, and why?

- What is the geekiest thing you have ever done?

- Where have you traveled? Where else would you like to go?

- How much work does an election volunteer have to do?

- How did you get your current job?

- Why do you think country music has become so popular?

- What is the most radical change you have made to your hair?

- Why do you not like scary rides at an amusement park?

- Why have you not been to a county fair?

- What is the best sightseeing attraction in the United States, and why?

- Do you think the extras on DVDs make them a good value? Why?

If you are unused to holding a conversation, you might feel as though you are intruding on someone by asking an open-ended question. In truth, however, most people like sharing information about themselves. It makes them feel important. Also, people can give an indication of how willing they are to talk when they answer these questions. If someone gives short answers, even if you ask an open-ended question, it is a clear signal that she or he does not want to talk. On the other hand, if someone gives a long answer to a close-ended question, you can rest assured that he or she would like to talk with you.

CASE STUDY: THE JOYS OF BEING A CONVERSATIONALIST

Marilynn Francis

Salesperson in the Hospitality Industry

mlfranc@indian-creek.net

Listening to Marilynn Francis, one gets an idea of the joys of becoming an expert conversationalist, even though she describes herself as being “somewhat shy.”

“Socially, I have met fabulous people whom I would not have known otherwise, had I been afraid to talk to others,” she said. “I find that just being very open and interested in everything going on around me enhances my day-to-day life.” As an example, Francis talks about a conversation she struck up with a man in the check-out lane of a supermarket. “We laughed and had a great few minutes. I am sure I will never see him again, but I had a blast that day in line at the store.”

However, Francis is not just a conversationalist because she enjoys it. As a salesperson, conversation is essential to her line of work. “Being a good conversationalist has really helped me dig deep with my clients to determine their needs and requirements so I can meet that need and get their business,” she said. “I would call many of my clients friends.”

What has been Francis’s secret in learning how to talk to people? “Building my own confidence has been most helpful to me. I think that many people are afraid to talk to other because they fear that what they say isn’t important enough or interesting enough.” In order to conquer this fear, Francis challenged herself to talk to everyone she could, whenever she could. According to her, “it also helped that I have such a great interest in other people that I wanted to talk to see what they were about. Sometimes I have to be careful, though — it is a fine line between being interested and being nosy.”

In order for people to practice their skills at conversation, Francis recommends practicing with family and friends as much as possible. “Try to think outside the box and find topics that are different from the usual ‘How was your day?’ fare,” she said. “Keeping up with current events and staying intellectually active help as well because you learn to think on your feet when talking with people.” Francis also recommends stretching your conversational skills by drawing out people whom you do not know, such as grocery store clerks, folks at the dry cleaners, and people on the telephone when you call tech support.

The biggest hurdle Francis finds when trying to start a conversation is non-responsiveness. “If you only have one shot at making conversation with someone who is non-responsive, patience and an easy manner work best,” she said. “Allow small periods of time when your attempts at general conversation lapse to give the other person time to relax a bit. It is always helpful if you can attempt to inject some humor while at the same time are very careful that the humor is most appropriate.”

Situations in which you feel like a stranger or out of your depth are another hurdle. “Be patient and look for any common ground that could be used to begin a conversation,” Francis said. “If needed, be on the lookout for ways to segue into more familiar territory. I find that when I am in a conversation that might be ‘over my head’ in some way, asking questions and being interested in learning something from the person helps very much. It is helpful to remember that most people generally respond to sincere interest in who they are and what they do.”

Francis does not have a huge repertoire of opening lines. Instead, she takes a more Zen-like approach. “I think the easiest way to start a conversation is by first evaluating or understanding the situation you find yourself in,” she said. “Then, based on the type of situation, I gear my mind accordingly and start looking for areas of common ground that could be used for a conversation starter. I also find that simply saying ‘hello’ and introducing myself works well, too. It’s all about being ready to think on your feet and out of the box.”

When in a conversation, Francis wants the other person to feel “that there is nothing I would rather do than talk with them, if at all possible.” According to her, she uses body language to show interest, such as “making good eye contact, nodding my head appropriately to show understanding, smiling encouragement, and standing at the appropriate distance for the situation.”

How to Respond When Someone Approaches You

Of course, all this advice about approaching people and starting up a conversation assumes that no one at a social gathering is going to come up and try to talk to you, which is hardly fair. After all, you have been practicing keeping your body language open and inviting, right? You smile, keep your arms at your sides, and now someone has taken you up on your nonverbal invitation. You keep smiling at him, but deep inside, your heart is beating hard enough to shatter your rib cage. How do you respond? What do you say to help keep the conversation going?

This part of the book is aimed at answering all those questions.

Non-verbal greetings

When someone approaches you to talk, it is normal to feel some stage fright, especially if you are not accustomed to talking with other people. This may result in your unconsciously closing off your body language — your smile disappears, and your arms wrap tightly around your body as though they were in a straitjacket. This sends out a mixed message to the instigator — and that is the best-case scenario. At worst, the other person might think your mood has changed specifically because she is talking to you. You may have inadvertently insulted her without even realizing it.

Instead, when someone approaches, act as though she is an old friend you have not seen in years. Open your arms a little more to encourage your conversation partner to get closer; broaden your smile, and no matter which direction she approaches you from, turn so that you are completely facing her. When you do this, you are sending out the unmistakable signal that you are happy to see this person, and that you are willing to give her your full attention. Even if she does not react, she will feel flattered that you are giving her so much attention.

Give out free information

Free information is pretty straightforward — it is the information we give out without being asked. You may be thinking this is encouraging you to be overbearing, but really you are not. You are just supplying more material for the conversation.

The best way to give out free information is to include it with your answer to a closed-ended question. When someone asks what you do for a living, for instance, do not just say, “I am an accountant.” If you do, it is up to the other person to ask more questions about the company you work for, the kind of accounts you handle, and in general dig around until he finds a topic about which you are passionate.

Instead, embellish a little. Talk about what your hobbies are, or mention a unique aspect of your job that your conversation partner can ask you about. You can say “Well, I am an accountant, and I build furniture in my spare time,” or say “I am an accountant, and I investigate other companies if I think someone has been embezzling funds.” Not only have you set your partner up with a ready-made topic perfect for you to chat about, but you have also directed the course of the conversation to a topic that, hopefully, you like to talk about.

For those of you who are curious, it is indeed possible to give out too much free information. If someone comes up and asks how you are doing, saying anything other than “fine” is usually too much information. You will also want to restrict how much free information you give out, at least initially. If you are worried about giving out too much information, restrict yourself to giving out two factoids per each closed-ended question.

If you happen to be at a loss for giving out free information, look at the following chart for some ideas:

Free-information guide

If you are asked about….

Give out free information regarding…

Your job

Your responsibilities, your hobbies

Your hobbies

How long you have been practicing your hobbies

Whom you know at the event

How you know the people at the event

The book you are reading

Why you decided to read it

Music you like

Certain bands and the last concert you went to

What are you drinking

Why you chose that drink, and whether you think it was mixed well

Where you live

Why you like living there

Your cell phone

The cell phone’s features

Well Hello, Mister…

In the world of conversation, remembering a person’s name is like trying to juggle fine crystal: It is hard to do, and if you fail, you have lost something valuable. According to interpersonal communications skill trainer Don Gabor, the fact that you only have five seconds to remember a person’s name during the introduction only adds to the pressure.

The secret to remembering names is to focus when you are introduced. When you and your conversation partner are introducing yourselves, follow these steps:

1. Give the person all your attention during the introduction. Look at her and try to memorize her features. As you are shaking her hand, extend the connection between you by keeping her hand in yours for just a little bit longer than normal, although not enough to make her nervous. Putting on a friendly smile while you do this will also help to put her at ease.

2. Listen for the name. Do not do anything else except listen. You may want to focus on how you will continue the conversation after the introductions are done, but for right now, stay in the present and listen for her name. The nice part about this step is that you can ask her to say her name again here without feeling awkward. If she has a name you are not familiar with, ask her to repeat it.

3. Next, say the other person’s name back to her. This will help to cement the word in your memory, while at the same time let the other person know you have her name right. It also sends a verbal signal to the other person that you think she is important enough that you are making a visible effort to remember her name. Finally, the more you repeat her name, the better you will be able to remember it. If you are really concerned about whether you will remember someone’s name, you can simply phrase your reply so that you repeat the name an extra time, such as, “Rosita. Well, I’m Fred. Pleased to meet you, Rosita.” This should kickstart your memory for the name, which leads into the next step.

4. Lock the name into your memory through association. Association is one of the most powerful mnemonic tools human beings have, and it is time to put it to work for you. One way to associate the name is to remember a prominent feature. This feature does not necessarily need to be flattering, since you are not going to tell the other person about it. Then, imagine the first letter of the person’s name stamped on that feature. If you find the person’s face distinctive enough, you may just want to stamp the mental letter on your image of their face instead. Another good tactic is to come up with someone who shares the other person’s name. If the other person you meet is named Luke, for instance, you can think of the Gospel of Luke, Luke Skywalker, or Cool Hand Luke. It does not matter what the image is, as long as you associate the other person with it.

5. Finally, use the other person’s name as you talk with her throughout the conversation. You do not want to be obvious about it, of course, but when you are addressing the other person, use their name. For example, you can say, “That is a good point, Luis,” or “Lucy, could you tell me the name of the drink you are sipping?” This will continue pounding the name into your memory, and at some point, you will realize it has stuck.

If you follow each of these steps, you will have spent the first four seconds training yourself to memorize the other person’s name, and the rest of the conversation making sure you know it. Now all you have to do is decide whether or not you want to share this technique when someone comes up to you and asks how you became so skilled at memorizing names.

Turn the Spotlight Around

While it is nice to be the subject of attention, do not forget that conversation works best when both people are sharing information. At some point, if the other person has not made an opening in the conversation to talk about himself, you should turn the spotlight around so it shines on him. While you can be direct about it, people are usually conditioned to be shy when someone asks them about themselves, or at least initially. So saying “Enough about me. What do you do for a living?” will probably get you a short answer from your conversation partner — and not much else.

If you want to get someone to accept the spotlight, turn the conversation to a topic about which he is passionate. This mostly just requires listening. If the other person appears to be passionate about a subject, or if he makes an off-hand mention of something that seems out of place, explore it. For instance, if the current conversation topic is about the weather and the other person says, “Yeah, this kind of weather can be really hard on pets,” you can reasonably assume that he has a pet of some kind and that the weather is bad for whatever pet he has. If you respond by asking him if he has a pet, you have successfully turned the spotlight around to shine on him, and he will respond by telling you all about his beagle, and how it is frightened of thunderstorms.

Sometimes, though, listening for clues fails. You may miss the significance of what someone has said, or your questions get those short, lacking-in-free-information answers that can be so hard to build on. Conversationalist Leil Lowndes has developed the perfect last-ditch resort to use during those times when you cannot think of anything else to say. It is very simple to use: Just take the last word or phrase the other person used, and ask it as a question.

In the previous example, if the person you were talking to said that the weather was hard on pets, just say “Hard on pets?” This will be interpreted as a request for more information, and the other person will be happy to oblige. He will tell you all about how thunderstorms are hard on dogs, especially beagles, one of which he owns. If he stops there, say, “You own a beagle?” and he will be off again, telling you all about his dog, and how he is a great hunting dog but kind of nervous in the suburbs because he has nowhere to run around. From there, you can talk about dogs and suburbs, or you can get him to go on by asking “He has nowhere to run around?” and let your partner continue on.

This technique can also be used to pry someone out of a closed answer when you want to start a conversation. Let us say you are at a business convention and decide to talk to a woman sitting by herself. However, be careful to not sound patronizing, and avoid sounding like a parrot. You walk up and ask what she thinks of the convention so far. “It is OK,” she says.

“It is OK?” you repeat back to her.

“Yeah,” she says. “I have been to better conventions, but this one is not bad.”

“You have been to better conventions?” You repeat back to her.

“I have,” she says. “There was this one time, in Denver…” and the conversation continues from there.

As you have no doubt realized by now, getting someone’s attention and beginning a conversation with him is an easy task. You have got several different ways to do it, and the topics you can use are almost endless. Now, if there was only some way to keep the conversation going…

MY NAME IS…

At some point in the conversation, you are going to need to introduce yourself. This is not an easy bit of information to work into a conversation, which is ironic when you think about how important a name is to someone.

Introducing yourself at the start of a conversation is usually acceptable, but it can be awkward. There are very few good segues from an introduction to a conversation topic, and besides, it smacks of the elementary school greeting, “Hi, my name is so-and-so. Will you be my friend?” A kid can get away with that kind of honest desperation, but as an adult, you cannot be that emotionally open with a stranger.

The best way to introduce yourself is to do it early on in the conversation, when it is your turn to speak. After the other person has finished, just say, “By the way, my name is…” and tell them. The other person will introduce herself in return, then you can get back to the topic at hand.

Table of Contents

Chapter 5

How to Keep a Conversation Going — Small Talk and More

Now that you have gained someone’s attention, you have 20 seconds to keep it. What do you say after the initial back-and-forth talk of open-ended and closed-ended questions? And what do you say when the other person asks you an open-ended question in return? This chapter is going to walk you through the transition from introductory conversation into full-on small talk, including when to switch from small talk to more personal conversation.

Why Make Small Talk?

Small talk starts with the first round of introductory questions and answers, and this continues until the point where one party starts to deepen the conversation by revealing some personal details. Most people tend to look down on small talk, seeing it as a barrier to actually getting to know people, but it is actually an extremely useful tool to have in your communications portfolio. Making small talk encourages the more meaningful kind of conversation that people are hungry for in several ways.

First, small talk serves as a social litmus test for whether a person wants to talk. As previously mentioned, if a person answers a question in short sentences or with mostly “yes” or “no” answers, she is not that interested in talking with you.

Once both people in a conversation have signaled they want to talk, small talk lets you and the other person feel each other out, determining whether you want to talk to the person first of all, and once you have decided to continue the conversation, exchanging basic information about yourselves. In the process, you can establish what common ground you have. In the course of revealing this information, both of you are also likely to reveal some topics that you are very interested in, and if you listen carefully, you can tell what those topics are and talk about them in the course of the conversation. Essentially, small talk is a gateway to the kind of meaningful conversation people dream of having with each other.

How to Make Small Talk

Active listening

One of the fears of making small talk with someone is that at some point in the conversation, you will have nothing to say. There you are, listening to someone talk about the goat herd his grandmother has, and when he finishes, you realize to your horror that you have no idea what to say back. What can you possibly say in return that both you and he will find relevant?

If you find yourself in this situation, the odds are good that you were suffering from a fairly common conversational affliction — you were not paying attention to what the other person was saying. Instead, the moment he started talking about the goat herd, you thought to yourself, “Oh, great, so his grandmother has a goat herd. What do you say to someone who’s just said that his grandmother has a goat herd?” Instead of actually listening to what your new friend had to say, you had focused all your attention on yourself, leaving you at a loss when it was your turn to speak. This is especially common with shy or scared people, so if this has happened to you, do not worry. It does not mean you are an egomaniac. All you have to do is learn to actively listen in order to notice pieces of information you can use to continue the conversation.

Active listening is a big part of making small talk. When you listen actively, you are signaling that you are taking the conversation and the other people in it seriously. They will participate more in the conversation as a result, and everyone will benefit. Part of active listening comes from practicing good body language. You know this already: leaning forward, maintaining eye contact, and nodding to show you understand what is being said. The other part of active listening has to do with knowing what you are listening for.

Where to start

One of the best pieces of advice on asking an open-ended question is to ask a question about your surroundings. Look around you and come up with an open-ended question based on that. Sometimes this can be obvious, such as asking someone at a party how he knows the host, or asking someone at a convention what company or organization he is with. Other times, it might be trickier. On a bus, you might want to ask someone where he is headed, or if he rides the bus often.

The trick is to look around you and ask the other person questions based on what you observe. You may be tempted to do the opposite, though — asking the other person questions based on your own thoughts and feelings. It is tempting, and it can seem like a good idea because you get to tell the other person something about yourself and try to elicit a response back from him. More often, unfortunately, this results in your getting too personal before the other person is comfortable with you. This can sabotage a conversation, as the other person will then close himself off from you. Looking outward gives you more hooks from which you can choose.

The ripple theory of conversation

When you toss a rock into water, a series of ripples spread outward. If multiple rocks are thrown, the ripples intersect with each other until they reach the edge of the water. Conversations are like that, too. Starting with the core topic that you selected when you first talked to the other person, you can then go to the next “ripple,” or layer out, broadening the scope of your conversation. For instance, if you start up a conversation at work, you can begin by talking about your department, then expand the conversation to include the entire business. From there, you can talk about the industry as a whole.

Another example of using the ripple theory of conversation is when you meet someone in a grocery store. You can discuss the section of the grocery store you are in, then expand outward to talk about the entire grocery store. From there, you can talk about the businesses in that section of town, the town itself, and from there, discuss the county or the state.

If you use the ripple theory of conversation, you will never run out of things to talk about. Even if you feel you have expanded the conversation as far as it can go in one circle, eventually the topic will intersect with another circle, allowing you to segue onto a different topic entirely. For instance, if you have expanded the conversation in the grocery store example to include your city, you can transition to another topic by discussing the city in which you both live, then asking the other person what other cities they would like to live in or have lived in. After they reply, you can follow up with an open-ended question about the city itself, then expand outward from there.

Information Trapping

While you are listening to someone else speak in a conversation, you will want to be aware of the personal information he gives to you. The information he gives out can be used to discover what interests you have in common, then used to carry on the conversation.

Be on the alert for these types of personal information:

- Hobbies

- Exercise habits

- Favorite sports teams

- Favorite foods

- Family members

- Residence

- Relatives

- Neighbors

- Friends

- Goals

- Jobs

- Alma mater

- Vehicle

- Pets

- Favorite books

- Religion

- Recent movies

- Political affiliation

These items are just a sampling of personal information that someone will reveal about him or herself in the course of a conversation.

WHAT IS YOUR JOB?

Finding out what someone does for a living is a pretty common ritual question that will give you an important bit of personal information about the other person. However, asking the question outright can be embarrassing for some. If the person you are talking to is unemployed, you and he may be in for an uncomfortable silence when he admits it. Of course, he may have a job that he does not want to talk about, like being a coroner or a banker who specialized in subprime mortgages. Stay-at-home parents might also have trouble answering this.

Fortunately, there is a way to ask what someone does for a living in a way that completely sidesteps the potential minefield. Instead of asking what someone’s job is, instead ask what your conversation partner does with his time. This leaves your partner free to focus on the things he does that are important to him, and he can avoid the issue of unemployment altogether if he wants. You are bound to get a more interesting answer, and probably reap more personal information because of it.

When someone reveals a piece of information that you want them to talk about further, ask a question about what he was saying. Journalists refer to this as asking a follow-up question, and while an interviewee might not always like being pressed for more information, the people you are talking with definitely will.

The best follow-up questions to ask are open-ended. This keeps the attention firmly on the person you are talking to, and it also lets him know that you are interested in what he has to say. Of course, you can also use a closed-ended question if he says something you do not understand or that seems unclear. A close-ended type of question also lets your conversation partner know you are listening, but too many close-ended questions in a row can appear as though you are grilling him, or that you really were not paying close attention.

Summarizing

If you have been in a particularly involved discussion or talked about a complex subject like politics or economics, you might want to show that you have been listening by summing up the other person’s stance on the issue. You can preface this by signaling you are going to summarize by saying something along the lines of, “So what you are saying is…” or “So if I understand you correctly…” After you have finished, you can ask the other person to comment on your summary by saying “Is that right?” or “Is that what you meant?” This allows the other person either elaborate on his stance or correct your summary.

Summarizing is one of the best ways to hone your skills at listening actively. It forces you to pay attention to what the other person is saying, and it makes your mind organize thoughts in a way you can understand.

Summaries go hand-in-hand with another conversation tool that shows you are listening — giving examples. When you talk to someone, give an example of the point she is trying to make, as in this example:

Other person: “What I am saying is that high school students are not worldly enough. Did you know that over 90 percent of European high school students have been to a different country by the time they graduate, as opposed to just 12 percent of American high school students?”

You: “So you think that high schools should organize more class trips to different countries?”

Other person: “Exactly. Even if it is just driving over the northern border to Canada, they would get an idea of what a different culture is like.”

In order to provide a good example, you will have to use the same listening and mental organization skills that summarizing employs. Anticipating someone’s train of thought is sometimes a good way to show the person that you are listening, but it can be dangerous. The thought is that if you can anticipate what a person will say next, you can feel confident that you and your conversation partner are thinking similarly, letting both of you feel more confident about the conversation. However, if you do this, you are essentially playing a guessing game. You might be able to predict the general thread of the conversation, but the price you pay if you make a wrong prediction is that you will derail what may have been a smooth conversation up to that point.

Trying to anticipate what someone is saying may also lead you to commit the social crime of finishing off someone’s sentences. Granted, it is a nice way to show off your uncanny people-reading skills, and it is amusing when it happens to someone else, but most people do not like having their sentences finished for them. It makes them feel unimportant, and that you are showing off. While you might be able to get away with it once, continually finishing someone’s sentences will likely kill the conversation.

Finding common interests

You can ask almost anything you want, but the best questions to ask are on subjects the other person feels passionately about and about interests they have in common with you. Discussing common interests forms an instant bond between you and the other person. It is also a ready-made topic for small talk. You can easily spend much of a conversation talking about an interest that both of you share.

Conversations also run smoother if everyone involved is talking about a topic that interests them. Think back to a time when you have had a really successful conversation with someone. Odds are that you were discussing a topic with the other person that you either felt strongly about or enjoyed. You were not worrying about whether the person you were talking with found you interesting, or how to keep the conversation going. New topics based on that common interest presented themselves naturally, and you and the other person smoothly segued from one aspect of your common interest to the next with as much ease as walking. You will find that talking about your passions are easier than talking about subjects you are unfamiliar with

CASE STUDY: AN ENTREPRENEUR SPEAKS

Mary E. Davis

Entrepreneur, Author of The Entrepreneurial Mom

Intimagemd@aol.com

Mary E. Davis learned to become a skilled conversationalist out of necessity. Since she became an entrepreneur 20 years ago, she was forced to develop her skills in communication and networking. Today, she says she can start a conversation with anyone.

As an entrepreneur, Davis enters into conversations to learn more about the person. “In business, it’s helpful to find out the needs and expectations of others, so I can deliver the service and price they want,” she said. “Plus, by taking the time to talk to a potential customer, it makes them feel more comfortable with me by allowing them to get to know me and my company’s reputation a bit better.”

The easiest way to start a conversation, Davis said, is by offering a compliment — if it is an honest one, that is. She also recommends finding a commonality between yourself and the other person. Davis’s advice on finding common ground shines though in her arsenal of reliable icebreakers. Among them are “How do you know our host?” and “I’ve never been to one of these seminars. Have you?” According to Davis, this one leads to a conversation no matter what the answer. “If they answer ‘No,’ you can go on by saying something like, ‘Well, I heard that we can expect to hear about…’ If they answer ‘Yes,’ you can continue by asking for their opinion of the last seminar.” However, Davis said that sometimes she will just go up to someone, offer her hand, and say, “Hi, I’m Mary Davis . I don’t think we’ve met yet.” Davis also favors a direct introduction when joining a conversation that is already in progress. “Say, ‘I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about…’ or simply, ‘Hi, I don’t mean to interrupt. I’m Mary Davis. I wanted to meet you both tonight…’”

The most important things to remember about having a conversation is to maintain eye contact and use the other person’s name, said Davis. “This makes the other person more likely to remember you.” While the other person is talking, Davis acts as though she is only interested in what they have to say. This philosophy of making the other person the center of attention carries over to small talk. “People love to talk about themselves,” Davis says. “Ask about their occupation, their family, whether they are native to the area or when they relocated, whether he follows the local sports team, if appropriate. You can also compliment something about the other person, like the talk he just gave, how well-behaved his kids are, her unique necklace, and so on.”

Is there anything Davis suggests not doing in a conversation? “It’s best to avoid talking about politics, until you know the other person’s views, or you may offend the person,” she suggested. “Never look away or ap pear distracted during a conversation. Never speak negatively, slander, or gossip.”

In order to practice talking with people, Davis recommends going to a public place. “Make eye contact, smile, speak clearly,” she advises. “It’s always easy to open with something you’ve observed from the other person, like ‘I couldn’t help but noticing you’re reading the new John Grisham novel. How is it?’ If you’re watching a performance in the park, say something like, ‘Aren’t they a fantastic quintet? Have you heard them before?” For Davis, though, the one thing that has really been a big help to her in becoming an expert conversationalist is confidence in herself. “I think that most people are good conversationalists when they are confident in themselves and their own abilities,” she says. “Some reasons people might be shy about entering into a conversation are that they are uncomfortable with themselves; they feel unworthy in comparison to others in the group; they don’t want to appear stupid, uninformed, or uneducated; or maybe they’ve had a bad experience in public that makes them hesitant now.”

What do you do with the information once you have it?

So now you know something about the person you are talking to. You know where he lives, what he does for a living, and maybe even a hobby or two. You might also be wondering what to do with this information now that you have it.

The answer is simple: Learn more about the person. Take one of the topics or pieces of personal information that you have learned and ask the other person about it. At this stage of the conversation, you get to choose a topic that interests you, and you should have many options available. Ask open-ended questions about what you have learned, throwing in a few closed-ended questions for clarification

What About You?

So far, we have discussed ways to get people to reveal information about themselves and how to realize and remember when they reveal personal information. However, that is only half of the conversation. What do you say when the person you are talking to starts asking questions about you?

When you are asked a question, take a second and think about whether it is an open-ended or closed-ended question before you answer. If the question is closed-ended, keep your answer succinct, but embellish it a bit by including some background with your answer. For instance, if someone asks you about your favorite sport, you can respond with an answer like, “My favorite sport is tennis. I started playing when I was 6 and my parents bought me a Snoopy tennis racket. I have been playing ever since.” An answer like that has a couple of details of personal information that the other person can, if he or she is observant, ask about as an open-ended follow-up question. You could find yourself answering questions about whether you started playing because you got the tennis racket, if you like the comic strip “Peanuts,” or even if you played on your high school and college tennis team.

An open-ended question will give you more time to talk about your answer, and you should feel free to disclose more personal information as needed. While you are talking, though, make sure to keep an eye on your conversation partner and ensure that you still have his or her attention. You do not want to bore the other party, after all.

Why Revealing Personal Information is Safe

Some people have no problem with revealing personal information. Then there are those who quake in fear, going through a laundry list of what-ifs that all end in their own personal disaster story. Maybe you assume that the person you are talking to will not like you if you talk about yourself. Maybe you think the other person will laugh at you when you tell him about your hobbies.

People who worry about these things may just be very accomplished worriers. They might, however, just be speaking from experience. Perhaps they were picked on in high school, or had someone politely insult their choice in hobbies, sports, or movies. Regardless of the reason, they now approach conversations guardedly. You cannot really blame them. Who wants to talk, only to be rejected or laughed at?

If you are one of these people, there is one thing you should consider: high school is over. Depending on who you are, college is likely finished, too. You will be talking with adults, and by now, it should not matter whether you know what the latest fashion is, or whether you can hit a three-point shot.

More importantly, you have to reveal some personal information eventually. If you do not, you are on the road to being isolated and lonely. If you have any friends at all, at some point you have to let them see the real you. Not sharing personal information indicates a lack of trust in other people, so think of it this way: The people you are talking to felt good enough about you to reveal some of their personal information to you, so why not return the favor?

Guidelines on Disclosing Personal Information

Now that you have given some thought on whether to reveal your personal information, here are a few guidelines. After all, while you are finally ready to tell other people about yourself, you do not want to answer a standard “How are you doing?” with “Well, I just got done with my second hernia surgery, which is good because my wife has been complaining that she is stuck taking care of the massive credit card bill we racked up during our trip to Los Angeles. Therefore, it will be nice to help her and give her more time for her pole-dancing class.”

If you happen to give a similar answer, the other person will likely get a deer-in-headlights look, and either flounder trying to come up with a suitable reply, or nod politely and notice that his or her drink needs refreshing.

Start slowly

This brings us to the first guideline, which is to start gradually. Do not start revealing personal information until you have had a chance to answer a few typical introductory questions first. These are our verbal handshakes, and they pave the way for the conversation to get more personal.

Do not be intimidated

Secondly, do not be afraid that you are not exciting. So you are talking to someone, and he casually mentions he is training for a marathon, has a friend who is a gourmet chef, or that he is brokering a million-dollar business deal. Suddenly, your life seems drab. You were going to talk about the new company project software you designed, or the fact that you joined your neighborhood’s softball team — but suddenly, that does not seem worth mentioning.

Here is what you do in that situation — go ahead and say it anyway. Maybe you think making corporate software is boring, but the person you are talking with probably does not have your skills in programming or designing. He or she may very well think what you do is more exciting.

If you are positive about your experiences, you will find you have several interesting stories to tell, regardless of whether you are a rock star, novelist, accountant, or janitor. A story about investigating a mysterious noise one night while you were cleaning can be just as exciting as talking about a concert you helped put on in Madison Square Garden. If you are a good storyteller, it will be interesting.

Exaggerating

You are trying to be exciting, but remember that while you are allowed to skip the boring and routine parts of your life, you should never exaggerate. Do not make yourself out to be perfect, do not talk about abilities you do not have, and do not say you have done something you have not. If you do, people will eventually find out. At best, people will lose respect for you. At worst, people will lose trust in you as well. Earning back someone’s trust is not easy. At the absolute worst, he or she will be someone you really enjoyed talking with, and you are now faced with the unenviable decision of whether to let the lie stand, or to tell the truth.

Goals and accomplishments

The final guideline is to talk about your goals and the hurdles you are overcoming to achieve them. People can only accomplish so much in a lifetime, after all, and hearing about someone who has taken a different path is almost always interesting. Remember, while you are talking about these topics, you still need to keep them light. You do not want the first conversation you have with someone to completely focus on your problems.

The person you are talking with might have a solution to your problem. She might have gone down the same path as you and have valuable experience to share, or she might have contacts she can call who will help you. If that was not a good enough reason to talk about your challenges and what you want to accomplish, you might have a chance to help her out. If you are looking for new friends, helping someone with a problem and helping her to achieve a goal is one of the best ways to kick-start a friendship.

The Self-Disclosure Pyramid

As you start to gain trust in the people you are talking to, you will want to open up and reveal more about yourself. As it stands, there are levels of self-disclosure, and they form a pyramid.

At the bottom of the pyramid are the habitual answers. These are the “fines,” “OKs,” and the “all rights” you usually say. On one level, these answers tell other people nothing about you. However, most of the time, the answer itself is not as important as the fact that you gave an answer at all. These rote answers show that you are available to talk, that you are generally in a positive mood, and that the other person has permission to come up and speak with you.

After the routine answers have been given, you are ready to move on to the second layer of self-disclosure: giving out factual information. Revealing facts about you is less risky than talking about things like opinions or feelings. Facts are usually neutral, and they let the people you are talking to start to understand just who you are. At the same time, they let all members of a conversation understand the other person, allowing everyone involved to make a decision on whether the conversation should progress to the next level. Telling people your job title is generally a good piece of factual information to reveal, although if you are unemployed, you might want to skip ahead to talking about your hobbies.

Once you have told people some factual information, you are ready to take the next step. Opinions reveal more about you than facts, and you are also showing more of yourself when you share yours. This is riskier than revealing facts about yourself because if people disagree with your opinions, on some level it means they are disagreeing with your thoughts and your values.

After those three levels, the final level of the self-disclosure pyramid is your personal feelings. You will not (and probably should not) reveal these feelings to anyone except close friends, significant others, and your family. When you talk about what your hopes are, your loves, your fears, and the highs and lows in your life, you make yourself intentionally vulnerable. However, you are also giving people a chance to know the real you, and you get the chance to become closer to others in the process.

The Flow of Information

There is a difference between a conversation and a lecture. In a conversation, you want to make sure everyone involved gets a chance to be part of the discussion. We have already discussed actively listening to the other person and being an active talker, but balancing the two can be difficult.

In order to keep the conversation going, be sure not to talk for too long. At first, generally describe your ideas. Do not go into too much detail until the other person has had a chance to react. You can control the course of the conversation by asking the other person questions about the subjects he or she likes, so let the other person do the same with the subjects you selected.

While you are in the middle of a conversation, you should make sure the flow of communication is balanced. Of course, it is hard to gauge whether the flow of information is equal. Most of the time, you will be able to tell just by the way the conversation feels. If you think the conversation is going well, it probably is. If you think it is lopsided, it probably is.

What if you do not think you can tell? Look at the other person and see whether they are displaying the signs of active listening. If their attention is focused elsewhere or they are leaning back, you have probably been taking up too much of the conversation. Do not worry about it — everyone has hogged the attention at some time. All you have to do to solve this is finish up your thought and ask the other person a question that reverses the spotlight.

How to Change the Topic

Though talking about a common interest is a way to spend the time passing in conversation, eventually you will want to change topics. However, you may be reluctant to do that. After all, you have just found an area on which you have connected with someone. Now you will go into the unknown again, searching for new topics that you may or may not connect with. Fortunately, the process is quite easy.

When changing topics in a conversation, the easiest way to do so is to keep in mind the free information that person has given you. Then, when you are ready to change the topic, you can simply say, “By the way, you were previously talking about…” and go on from there. This works for two reasons:

- It is straightforward and keeps the center of attention focused on the other person.

- The other person will appreciate the chance to keep talking about something else important to him.

The same principle can also be applied if you want to shift the subject back. Just say, “Oh, on that last subject we were discussing…” and go from there.

The Ripple Theory Revisited

Remember the ripple theory of conversation, created by conversation expert Don Gabor and discussed previously in Chapter 5. Starting with the core topic you selected when you first spoke with the other person, you can go to the next “ripple,” or the next conversation layer. This will broaden the scope of your conversation. If you use the ripple theory, you will never run out of things to talk about. Even if you feel you have expanded the conversation as far as it can go in one circle, eventually the topic will intersect with another circle, allowing you to segue onto a different subject entirely.

Most of the time, jumping from topic to topic is not a problem; however, once you have transitioned to a different topic, stay with it for a few minutes. If you flit from subject to subject, the other person will get the impression that you do not particularly care about any of the topics being discussed, or that you are not really taking part in the conversation. If either of these assumptions happens to be true, take a deep breath, calm yourself, and try to steer the conversation to a topic you both can enjoy.

If you change the topic to something the other person does not want to discuss, she usually will not come out and say it, but you will be able to tell. She will give a short, clipped answer, and will not volunteer any free information about the topic. Physically, she may cross her arms or stop smiling. If you get these responses, take the hint and change the subject.

Avoiding Certain Topics

What if your conversation partner asks about something you would prefer not to discuss? There are several ways to say you would prefer not to talk about a particular topic, including just smiling and saying, “I would prefer not to talk about that, if it is all right with you,” or, “Why do not we talk about something more fun?” This tactic not only works well when a topic comes up you would prefer not to discuss; it is also good for changing the subject when the conversation veers toward the offensive or controversial. When you decide to change the subject, though, make sure you have a good substitute ready. Refer to an earlier subject and talk about a different facet of it, or ask an open-ended question about a new topic entirely.

If the Other Person is Uninterested

Sometimes a conversation just cannot get started. You have asked the ritual questions, shifted to open-ended questions in an attempt to draw the person out, but she is having none of it. If this is the case, you will want to withdraw gracefully.

Physical signs

If the other person is uninterested in talking with you, she will show it. We have discussed the various ways people let others know they would like to be left alone, especially using body language. If you are talking to someone who has crossed her arms, leaned back in her seat, and is not smiling at you, it is a good sign that she does not want to talk with you.

Eye contact is another good sign. If someone does not want to talk with you, she will not make you the focus of her attention. This may come across as an interest in something else, occasionally glancing at you to be polite, or flat-out refusing to acknowledge your presence, keeping her attention focused on a book or phone. The message is the same either way.

When you are talking to someone and he starts to display this type of behavior, withdraw gracefully. Acknowledge that he is either busy or otherwise occupied, and excuse yourself. For example, “Excuse me, I have something to attend to. Would you mind if I talked to you later?” or “I can see you are busy, so I will excuse myself” both work well. If he seems to be upset you can apologize for bothering him, but it is not necessary otherwise.

You may want to work some humor into your withdrawal, but this may be difficult. Humor works best with people you are already getting along with. A witty remark aimed at someone who is not interested in talking with you may earn you a polite or patronizing smile at best, and may offend the other person if he is already annoyed.

When you have been rebuffed, a natural response is to wonder if you have done something wrong and to try to end the encounter by getting on the other person’s good side. Do not give in to that urge. You are not a bad person because you tried to start an encounter with someone, and the fact that someone is not interested in talking with you is not a personal attack. Instead, look for someone else who seems to be open to talking, then go up and start talking to him.

MAYBE IT IS SOMETHING IN THE AIR — AND THE ROOM

The subject of communication would not be complete without talking about the effects of the surrounding environment. You react differently based on several environmental factors, such as time of day, amount of available space, amount of light, the differences in weather, the temperature, how loud or quiet the area is, and any ambient scents. These factors can affect how open people are to having a conversation. You will probably feel more like having a conversation in a well-ventilated, open room with softer colors than you will in a crowded, stifling room decorated in “hot” colors like red and yellow.

For a budding conversationalist, this means you should be aware of your environment when you talk to people. You may get a different conversation from a businessperson when you are in a ballroom next to a wet bar than when you are in a convention center’s hallway. Since the environment may have a similar effect on your mood, use your feelings to help determine what kind of conversation you are going to have.

Table of Contents

Chapter 6

Exit Stage Left — How to Leave a Conversation Gracefully

Leaving a conversation just might be more difficult than starting one. Most conversations end awkwardly, as though the initiator is somehow apologetic about having to do other things. If you happen to work in an office, pay attention to the conversations that are going on around you. You will probably, at some point, hear a conversation that ends like this.

Coworker A: “I’ll have to check that Web site out!”

Coworker B: “You should. It’s hilarious!”

(Three seconds of clearly uncomfortable silence)

Coworker B: “Yeah, so… I should get back to work now.”

Coworker A: “Yeah. Me too.”

Coworker B: “OK… See you later.”

The way this conversation ends is lacking in a number of ways. For one, it is awkward. It comes after an uncomfortable silence during which both parties realize they have nothing more to say to each other. Finally, Coworker B tries to end the conversation, but the way in which he does it seems as though he is trying to come up with something else to say before he just admits he needs to leave the conversation and get back to work. In fact, Coworker B comes off as apologetic with that line, as though he were imposing on Coworker A by talking to him.

You do not want to end a conversation like that. Instead, you want to leave on a high note, with everyone involved feeling fulfilled about the conversation and wanting to speak to you again. In this chapter you will learn all about when to leave and how to leave, as well as different exiting strategies.

Leave ‘Em Wanting More

By far, the most important aspect of leaving a conversation with a good impression is knowing when to bow out. The most common mistake people make when trying to bow out of a conversation is waiting too long.

You can feel when this happens. The conversation devolves into awkward silences, punctuated by you or the other person trying to say something that will kick-start the conversation again. Several romantic comedy movies have captured this moment, which usually leads to the characters either walking away from each other with glances of longing or moving in for a kiss. Unless you know you are in a romantic comedy, you should avoid either of these outcomes.

According to some experts on communication, the best time to end a conversation is when both of you have communicated your views to each other, or when you feel that the time is right to finish the conversation. The problem with this view — one you may have already considered while reading that sentence — is that you have no idea how to determine when both of you have finished expressing yourself. Many times you will only know when you have finished communicating your point of view after you are already finished. Now, if it is hard for you to know when you have finished getting your point of view across, how will you know when the other person is finished getting her point of view across?

This seems like a huge oversight, but the real reason most conversation experts overlook this is simple — knowing when you have finished communicating your point of view is absurdly easy. However, the reason most beginning and intermediate conversationalists fail to realize when this point is reached is because they are focusing all their concentration on other aspects of the conversation. Understanding the other person’s point of view, presenting your point of view, considering rebuttals, and actively listening can occupy a lot of your concentration, especially if you are new to the art of interpersonal communication. Being able to take a step back from your train of thought to see if it has reached its destination requires a level of Zen mastery that seems to evade even those conversation experts who have mastered it.

When you are in the middle of a conversation, take a second or two while the other person is talking and ask yourself what you want to say. This does not have to be an argument. You could be talking about your love of a recent movie, or your thoughts on some current event. No matter what the topic is, you will know when you have finished what you want to say because you will not be able to think of something else to say after the other person is done speaking. If that sounds too simple to be a legitimate tip, just consider how many times you have been in a conversation and have run out of things to say. You may think that this advice flies in the face of previous advice on listening to people, but it does not. All you have to do is take a second when the other person is talking and consider what you want to say next. You will do this anyway, probably without thinking about it. The trick is to consciously be aware of what you want to say next. Once you have reached the point where you realize you have no idea what else to say in the conversation, you will instead be able to start thinking about the best way to leave. Once you know that you have finished expressing your views, give the other person a chance to get her point of view across. Then you can make your exit.

AAAANNND, TIME

You may be wondering if there is any shortcut to figuring out if the conversation is coming to a natural end. If you absolutely cannot gauge whether or not your train of thought is arriving at the station, give yourself about 15 minutes. This is a good amount of time for most small-talk conversations, and once that time is up you can start thinking about the best way to make an exit. Most conversations do not last exactly 15 minutes, however. You run the risk of cutting off the conversation too early, or of finishing the conversation before the 15 minutes are up.

The Framework Finish

Compared to figuring out when to end the conversation, knowing how to end a conversation is relatively easy. A simple four-step process will see you through most exits, and leave people impressed at your savoir-faire.

After you have used this formula a few times, you may want to vary the process a bit — so go ahead. When you add your own personal touch in, not only will you make the process more comfortable for you, but you will also make the process uniquely yours. In fact, when you are really comfortable, you may want to come up with your own tricks for leaving a conversation, and that is fine, too. In fact, all you really need to remember in order to leave a conversation with style are these two guidelines: Take control of the conversation, and let the other parties subtly know you are going to leave.

The first step in leaving a conversation with finesse is to reiterate the other person’s ideas. This not only sends a subtle message that you do not want to discuss any additional factors in the conversation, but also provides a reassuring ego boost to the other person, letting him know that you were listening and paying attention to his ideas. You may also want to refer to something concrete the other person mentioned, like a specific place or book. The best subject on which to end a conversation is the one where the conversation really started to take off. This may seem like a difficult piece of advice to follow, but the truth is that if you bring up the main topic on which the two of you were talking, you will be fine.

Next, tell the other person that you enjoyed talking with him. This is a vital part of the conversation-ending process. Do not sound apologetic that you have to leave the conversation, and do not undercut your interaction by saying anything to the effect that you wasted the other person’s time, or that you have been doing something wrong by talking to him. If you happen to feel that you are wasting someone’s time by talking to them, you might want to revisit the self-esteem section in Chapter 2.

While saying you enjoyed talking with someone is usually the best way to close out a conversation, sometimes it can also be uncomfortable. After all, if the conversation was so good, then why would you like to leave? In order to get around this, you may want to devote a sentence or two to explain why you are leaving. Here are a few possible reasons you can give as to why you want to leave the conversation:

- I have to get back to work on my project.

- I’m going to get a cup of coffee.

- I wanted to introduce myself to as many people as possible at this convention.

- I want to talk to the lecturer.

- I should touch base with a client of mine before they leave.

- I need to refresh my drink.

When giving an excuse to exit the conversation, do not lie to the other person. Few things will damage your credibility more — not to mention your relationship with the other person — than giving a reason to leave that turns out to be false. Remember: You are giving an excuse so the other person is aware that your leaving the conversation is unrelated to the quality of your time together. If you are in the kind of situation where you feel you must lie in order to get away, you should instead be reading the chapter on difficult conversations.

Once you have made clear that you are closing out the conversation, you might want to bring up the possibility of talking to the other person again, but only if you really want to. When you tell someone you want to see them again, make sure you offer up specifics. Most of the time, when someone says, “We really must chat again,” without offering a specific time and place, the sentiment is often insincere. Instead, say something along the lines of, “Let us get together sometime in the next week or so. Are you free for lunch next Thursday?”

The final part of the process is to say goodbye, which is pretty simple. Simply use whatever parting words you feel most comfortable with, along with the other person’s name. Make sure you keep up the eye contact and smile. If the situation calls for it, you might want to slip in a handshake. A handshake that turns into a one-armed side hug may be used, but only if you know the other person extremely well.

The one thing you should not do when saying goodbye is to draw it out. You may be tempted to do so, but remember that if you keep it short, both you and the other person will end up wanting just a bit more from the conversation. Consider that bit of longing to be a “starter” emotion the next time you two get together.

Here is a good example on how to leave a conversation while you are at work, shown by those two tireless thespians, Coworker A and Coworker B, playing the roles of Doug and Jane, respectively:

Doug: “…so that is why I switched to drinking soy milk.”

Jane: “Wow, that is really interesting, Doug! You’re saying that cows are forcing their bodies to make their milk more toxic as a way to revolt against their human masters?”

Doug: “Exactly! I know it sounds odd, but it’s pretty plausible when you stop to think about it.”

Jane: “I’ll have to check out that book you recommended on the topic, Holy Cow: The Poison Milk Plot. As for now, I have to get back to my cubicle.”

Doug: “Okay, I will see you around, then.”

Jane: “Hey, could we get together for lunch next week to discuss this more?”

Doug: “So long as it’s not a steakhouse.”

Jane: “No problem. I’ll talk to you later, Doug.”

Doug: “Later, Jane.”

CASE STUDY: A DOWN-TO-EARTH CEO SHARES HIS SECRETS

Tim Mort

CEO of Tournament Golf Solutions

Glfguy123@charter.net

Tim Mort is well-aware of the power of words. When he was 6 years old, he and his adopted mother went out selling Fuller Brush supplies door to door so Tim could go to summer camp. “That experience created and and ingrained in my ability to become someone who could start a conversation in 30 seconds or less,” Mort said. From that point forward, he used his conversation skills in a variety of different jobs. Mort was a public address announcer at the same time he was a salesperson, a national marketing director, a real estate salesman, and the current CEO of Tournament Golf Solutions. His style of speaking is straightforward and down-to-earth.

According to Mort, the main thing to remember when having a conversation is that “unless you are having a conversation with yourself or a higher power, it takes two or more to have a good conversation. Therefore, one of the most important things to remember is to be a good listener,” he said. “There is nothing worse than being in a conversation and it is apparent the other person is thinking about what they are going to say to you next, instead of listening to what you are saying.” When talking to someone, Mort always keeps eye contact and shows true interest in the person to whom he is speaking.

When Mort wants to start a conversation, he puts a smile on his face and compliments the other person, asks a question, or asks permission to ask a question. After that, according to him, you have “instant openness” from the other person. Mort has several subjects he thinks are good for making small talk. These include weather, geographic location, current events, breaking news, sports, and fashion. “Be careful not to lend too strong of an opinion until you know where the other person is coming from or what his opinion is,” Mort said. “Also stay away from controversial issues.”

Like many people, Mort sometimes has trouble remembering names. However, if he forgets a name, he has a unique method to help him get by, which he learned growing up in Pennsylvania. “I use the words, ‘Hey you,’ or ‘How you doing?’ or ‘What’s up, man?’ It’s barbaric, I know, but somehow I am able to pull that off.”

Though Mort easily slips into a conversation with other people, he is more careful about when he divulges personal details. “We as a society thrive on juicy information,” he said. “This is a great situation to remember the old saying, ‘Loose lips sink ships and reputations.’ Why in the world do you think people would want to know personal information about you, anyway? Ever hear of opening Pandora’s box?” Mort feels safe revealing personal information after the person he is talking to has divulged some personal details of his own.

Even though Mort is straightforward when he starts a one-on-one conversation, he is more circumspect when joining a conversation that is already in progress. “Make sure you’re listening as the parties converse so you know the subject of their conversation, then, during a lull in the conversation, ask a question of the person who seems to be leading it. If you can’t determine who the dominant person is, then ask a pertinent question that can be answered or offered up by anyone involved,” he said.

One of the biggest helpers for Mort when learning to talk to people is being aware. “Educate yourself to fit into a situation,” he said. “If you’re going to a football game and you don’t know anything about football, do a crash course on the computer before you go.” In order to practice your skills at conversation, Mort recommends practicing conversation skills with friends or pretending to hold a conversation while standing in front of a mirror. In order to meet new people, Mort says, “If you want to meet people who have things in common with you, then it only makes sense to go to places they will also go.”

How to Leave a Group

Most of the time, simply following the process will be enough to leave any conversation on a high note. However, at a social gathering like a convention or the office Christmas party, sometimes it can be awkward. Part of the reason is that you will end up talking as part of a group as often as you will be talking with someone one-on-one, with an increase in difficulty as you try to come up with a way to leave that ensures you leave on a high note with everyone. The mere thought of doing this is enough to convince some people that they will never talk to more than one person at a time in order to avoid this unpleasantness.

Fortunately, several techniques can be used to leave conversation, ranging from those where you can simply slip away from the group, to one or two that allows you take control of the conversation and exit. The simplest way to leave a group conversation is to simply modify the standard conversation leaving process. Instead of summing up your conversation partner’s views on a topic, instead address the most prominent subject of the conversation, or at least the most recent subject the group has been discussing. For example, if the subject has been about buying new cars, you can say, “Well, I do not know about anyone else, but I learned a lot about how to buy a new car. I may have to try out these strategies you have all been mentioning the next time I go to buy a car.” This example does two important things — it states that you were paying attention throughout the conversation, and it compliments the group as a whole. In an example such as this, you may want to call attention to one or two specific points you heard, but unless the conversation is sufficiently small, say four people maximum, you should avoid this urge. If you do call out two or three people, you are slighting the other people in the conversation. Your goodbye should not degenerate into a laundry list of who provided you with what helpful advice; simply acknowledge the usefulness of the advice, and let the entire group take credit for it.

You might also want to make an exception if some of the people giving advice are obviously experts in the field. In our example, if a used car salesman or a consumer advocate talk about the best way to get a price on a new car, it may be nice to acknowledge their contributions, although you might step on the toes of the man who managed to talk a car dealer into selling a car below the sticker price and now considers himself a guru of car buying.

Once you have started to close down the conversation, thank the rest of the group, say your goodbyes, and leave; then, you are finished. There is a lot to recommend to this technique — you get to keep control of the conversation and keep the focus on you for a couple of seconds, and you also manage to leave the conversation on a high note with multiple people. You can also foster a reputation for being attentive and being appreciative of other people’s ideas — both of which are good reputations for conversationalists to have.

This method does have its drawbacks. This technique will work on groups that are still small enough to be considered intimate, but once you get to a conversation that has roughly six or seven people in it, your conversation-ending process might be derailed as you try to make yourself heard while you are in the verbal queue that always seems to develop, with the most assertive being at the head of the line.

The four-step process also does not work when you are in a conversation with a rapidly shifting or fairly basic topic. While you may be able to identify the thread that connects the various topics in the conversation, such as the weather or politics in Minnesota, you will have a harder time finding a way to bring up the main topic in a non-repetitive manner. For instance, if the weather is cold, you may be able to get away with saying, “Well, from all accounts we’ve had a very cold winter.” This may work with some people, but others will shake their heads at your apparently keen grasp of the obvious.

A topic like politics, on the other hand, presents a different set of problems. The topic can shift focus quickly, such as when two people start out discussing immigration reform and arrive at the proper distance for offshore drilling platforms to be from the mainland. This can hamper your efforts to sum up the conversation and still include the latest branch of the conversation. In addition, politics in the 21st century are very divisive. While you can always expect a lively debate from two people with differing political ideologies, the hostility between factions may have skyrocketed to the point where civility is almost an antiquated idea.

A Graceful but Quiet Exit

In cases where the four-step process does not work, you may just want to slip out of the group unnoticed. Some experts on conversation disagree with this school of thought, as leaving quietly is anticlimactic to a conversation in which you come off as charismatic and likeable. However, leaving gracefully does not always have to mean calling attention to yourself; in fact, sometimes leaving quietly is the best option. This option is useful for leaving difficult group conversations, particularly those that are boring or those that have gone beyond spirited and into contentious. You may also wish to leave quietly so that you can use the four-step process when you are in a conversation with a person or group of people on whom you really want to leave a good impression. This is especially true if you are not an accomplished conversationalist yet.

One easy way to leave a conversation quietly yet politely is to call a little attention to the fact that you are leaving. Give a reason for leaving, something along the lines of your need to freshen your drink or visit the restroom, excuse yourself, and leave. At first glance, this would seem to contradict the idea of leaving quietly, but part of the dynamic of a group conversation is that people tend to quietly leave and join, especially a group conversation that is going strong. You will be excused with a minimum of fuss, and without any awkwardness that this kind of technique would generate in a one-on-one conversation.

Another good technique for leaving quietly but gracefully is called the “changing of the guard.” Several experts on conversation know this technique, and this book would not be complete without including it. The technique itself is simple. When a group conversation is taking place, wait until someone new enters and the focus of attention shifts to her. When it does, simply retreat from the conversation. You may give a warm smile or nod to the group to show you can be approached later for more conversation. What could be simpler?

The changing of the guard is a good technique to know, and chances are you have used it once or twice yourself without knowing it had an actual name. What you may not have known, however, is that there are two variations on the method that will catapult you into the ranks of the expert conversationalists. The first variation is using the Changing of the Guard on a single conversation. As you are talking to someone at a convention or a soirée, when someone else comes up and joins in the conversation, quietly back out as the person with whom you were talking and the new person begin talking. It should be understood that you should only use this technique when you are in a conversation you want to escape from rather than leave gracefully. The second variation takes place in the middle of a group conversation when you want to shift to a one-on-one conversation. Wait until the center of attention has shifted in the group, then invite the other person to join you. Of course, you do not want to say, “Hey, could we get away from this group conversation and have a one-on-one dialogue?” In the interest of increasing your skill at conversation and, quite frankly, the interest of self-preservation, here are a few sample invitations you can use to draw a person off from the group and into a private conversation:

- “I thought you made a really interesting point. Could I ask you a couple questions about it?”

- “I would really like to introduce you to a coworker of mine.”

- “Would you like to hit the buffet table?”

- “Let’s go talk to the hostess.”

- (Women only) “I need to use the restroom. Would you like to join me?”

CASE STUDY: CONVERSATION AND SOME YOGA

Khadi Madama

TV Personality, Yours Truly Yoga, Yoga consultant

YoursTrulyYogaTV@aol.com

As Khadi Madama can attest, having a public persona requires superior conversation skills. “If I were not able to speak with people in an engaging way, I would be at risk of not being able to sell myself as a motivational speaker or be a frequent guest on TV and radio,” Madama said. “It is essential in my life as a TV celebrity to get my work out there, be visible, and engage the public in a user-friendly way; in other words, every way that I come out forward in public through every possible media. Each telephone call with a possible media production must be a conversation.”

When talking to someone, Madama wants to learn something new about the other person. “I like to learn something about what they feel passionate about, whether it is auto racing, housecleaning, the opera… it doesn’t matter what their passion is, because wonderful topics are endless.”

In order to start a conversation, Madama has several guidelines for crafting reliable icebreakers. “If I know something about a person such as that they are an artist, musician, traveler, writer, or passionate about any hobby, I will try to engage them through that subject,” she said. “If I don’t know them personally, then I’m going to introduce myself, perhaps tell them who I’m connected to at the event or use something in the immediate environment to try to draw them in; for instance, by saying “Isn’t that a beautiful garden? I’ve been trying to get my roses to look like that.”

The most important point when having a conversation, according to Madama, is that you must be clear that you are truly interested in the other person. The tools she suggests to achieve this goal are good eye contact and open body language. “You may be bored to tears by the actual content, especially if they are rambling on about something, but the important point is to be intently interested in the person. I try to listen with my heart — not necessarily the linear, intellectual logic of my ear,” she said.

However, Madama has had her share of difficulties when it comes to starting a new conversation. “I’ve had to be at family events where people who are invited would not normally come together under other circumstances. Because a lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about themselves in a personal way, they tend to cluster near the only family members or friends where they can feel at ease,” she said. “I’m always doing the best I can to be amiable, however. I usually say hello because that’s the polite thing to do. Beyond that, I don’t want to be bored or boring, so I’ll try to engage the person in a conversation about their latest project. If I have to talk to someone that I really need to spend time with, out of desperation, I give them a cue, such as mentioning that it looks as if they are, perhaps, preoccupied with something on their minds. The cue gets them to want to share what the problem is, and this can lead to other avenues of discussion.”

Madama keeps her private life separate from her public life while talking to people. “Most people in business really don’t want all that [private] information,” she said. “I reveal very little about my private life to people I don’t know because I don’t want it to become a conversation filler, or have it turn up somewhere else as verbal entertainment. My public life is so lovely and exciting, really, that it is very much more interesting than what is going on in my personal life.”

Madama’s public life includes her coworkers. “They may be friendly, but they are not your close network,” she says. “The working environment is an always-changing climate. If you leave your job, you may or may not ever see those people again, so why pin the deepest part of yourself onto your sleeve?”

Referrals/Advice and How to Get Them

If you are at a business meeting, the odds are good that you are looking for a few new connections in each conversation. Even better, you are looking to have someone refer you to someone else, technically called a referral. Many times, people at a business event are too shy to ask for a referral, thinking they will come across as pushy or entitled. However, adding a slight twist to the conversation-leaving process can provide you with all the referrals or advice that you need.

The twist is very simple. As you are closing the conversation, ask the other person for a referral based on the kind you want. If you want to learn how to use photo software, for example, you can say to your conversation partner as you are closing the conversation, “By the way, I have been wanting to learn how to use the new photo software. Do you know anyone who is good at it?” Your conversation partner will either answer yes or no. If she answers yes, follow up by asking for that person’s name, telephone number, and e-mail address, then thank your partner and say goodbye. If your partner does not know anyone, you can segue into leaving the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “Well, thank you for trying. I’m going to see if I can locate anyone here who has used the software before. Thanks again, and talk to you later.”

Asking someone for a referral at the end of a conversation works because you have already established a rapport with the person whom you are asking. Also, you do not come across as asking for a favor; instead, you are asking the other person for advice, and most people love to share their knowledge with others.

This technique is useful for getting any kind of referral. For instance, if you are at a local convention and you are looking for a job, you can close out your conversation by saying, “Before I go, do you know who I could talk to who might have some suggestions on where I could find a copywriting job?” Again, your conversation partner will either know someone, or she will not. If everything goes well, she may be able to refer you to someone at the convention itself, which gives you a ready-made opening line for a conversation and expands your networking opportunities at the event. In fact, you may even walk out of the convention as the proud possessor of a new job.

When you ask for referrals at an event, make sure you have a clear agenda, rather than gathering referrals for their own sake. After all, the next time you meet your conversation partner, she will likely want to know if you had any success with her referral. If you can say you have followed through, she will be happy you followed her advice in contacting the referee and be more likely to help you again for the next time you ask for a referral.

Do not be shy when asking for a referral. Most people at business meetings are out to increase their network and gain referrals, so you will not necessarily stand out of the crowd when you ask for one. In order to increase your comfort level with asking for a referral, though, adjust your style of asking to reflect your personality. Here are some sample asks:

- “I have always been interested in learning more about C++ programming. Do you know anyone who works with that?”

- “Do you know anyone who could help me develop better time -management skills?”

- “I would really like to know more about the electrical engineering opportunities in the area. Could you give me a referral?”

- “Who is the best person to speak to about becoming a member of the Toastmasters?”

- “I was hoping someone here tonight was a professional photographer. Do you know anyone like that?”

- “Excuse me. I would really like to meet someone who knows about wine tasting. Are you or anyone you know knowledgeable about that?”

Do not limit yourself to business functions when asking for referrals. You can also apply this to a social conversation, too. Get a referral on someone who teaches martial arts, likes to watch football on Sundays, or who is a member of the classic car club by using the techniques and samples above. In fact, you may want to ask for social referrals as a training session before you ask for business referrals. You will probably have more success asking if your conversation partner knows someone who is interested in coming to your place and watching the big game, too.

After practicing all these techniques, you will eventually learn how to slip out of conversations gracefully. This will come in very handy for the next chapter, when the focus shifts from leaving conversation with people whom you have enjoyed spending time with to those people whom having a conversation with is uncomfortable — or even intolerable.

Table of Contents

Chapter 7

How to Leave a Difficult Conversation

Up until now, the conversations covered are assumed to be pleasant ones. But in this chapter, we are going to examine what happens when a conversation goes bad and turns into difficult dialogue.

What if you talk to someone who spends the entire conversation talking about his bad knee and manages to segue into how bad his job is and how his family doesn’t respect him? What if someone just cannot stop commenting on how painful your broken leg must be? What if the other person happens to be very drunk and has latched onto you as her new best friend?

Leaving a difficult conversation can be harder than leaving a normal one. While you may want to exit the conversation as quickly as possible, you also want to do so without burning any bridges. This is especially true if the other person in the difficult conversation is a coworker, potential network connection, or — worse yet — your boss.

All About Assertiveness

Fortunately, you can leave most difficult conversations simply by applying the four-step conversation-leaving technique used in Chapter 6. However, in order to implement the technique, you will need to be very assertive. Most difficult conversations arise as the result of one person ignoring the social signals the other is sending out. Usually, this is unintentional, but there will always be a few people who use their conversations as a steamroller on the other person in order to get their way. If you want to leave a difficult conversation, you will have to learn how to be direct about getting what you want — in other words, being assertive.

But am I worth it?

If you are going to assert yourself, you must first be convinced that you have as much right to what you want as the people around you do. It requires feeling good enough about yourself and your desires that you feel comfortable communicating them to other people. In other words, you cannot be assertive if you are suffering from a lack of self-esteem.

In addition to self-esteem, you need to have confidence in yourself. Self-confidence is very similar to self-esteem, but self-esteem focuses on feeling good about yourself, and self-confidence is feeling good about your abilities and the kind of success you will have in future endeavors. The difference is subtle but significant.

When you are self-confident, you not only feel that you can handle any problem or obstacle that comes your way, but also that you can reasonably succeed at the opportunities that present themselves. When you are self-confident, you can also learn from your failures without being crushed by them, and realize that factors beyond your control may affect your success without being intimidated by them.

When you are at your best

Self-confidence is inextricably tied to your self-esteem, so feeling good about yourself correlates to how confident you feel. We all have moments where we feel we are shining — that we could potentially take on the world. Of course, we also have moments where we feel like setting foot outside the front door exhausts our accomplishments for the day.

Part of self-confidence relies on knowing when you feel like you shine. From there, you can make sure you feel you shine more often, or at least make sure you shine at the right moments. In order to figure out when you are at your best, keep track of yourself on a day-to-day basis. When you feel that you are at your best, take note of what you are doing. Maybe you have on some clothes that you really think make you look good. Maybe you are in a particular mindset because of a song you listened to or a book you read. It could be something as simple as the fact that you shaved, that you wore contacts instead of glasses, or that you just bought a cereal you liked. Whatever it is, make a note of it. After a week, maybe two, you will have a good idea of what makes you feel your best. During your time observing yourself, you should also keep note of when you feel you are not at your best and make a note of that, too. If you do not have time to iron your shirt or you forgot to pack a lunch, keep track of it so you know to what to especially avoid later. You might also want to ask your friends and family when you are at your best. They may be able to come up with things about you that you had not initially considered.

Tips for Achieving Self-Confidence

While knowing when you shine is a great way to increase the frequency of your self-confidence periods, there are several other things you can do to give your self-confidence a boost. A lot of these may even be used in conjunction with the times you shine in order to send your self-confidence into the stratosphere.

Have realistic expectations

In general, having high expectations is good. High expectations force people to overcome limitations and do things they did not think they could do. Someone who expects that she will win the Nobel Prize for science is more likely to work hard and fulfill her goals than a woman whose biggest goal is to never miss an episode of her favorite TV show. On the other hand, having unrealistic expectations can lead to them being unfulfilled — and it may crush your self-esteem in the process.

Some unrealistic expectations are easily spotted. For instance, if you think you will make a spot on the Olympic basketball team when the most practice you get is the weekly basketball night in the gym, you are obviously dreaming. Odds are pretty good you know that, too. The problem is with the more mundane unrealistic expectations. If you get down on yourself when you miss a few lay-ups, and you have not played basketball for a month or two, you are expecting too much of yourself. If you berate yourself because the first or second pie you ever tried to bake comes out burnt, you have unrealistic expectations.

The answer is to set high goals for yourself, but give yourself the time you need to achieve them. If you want to bake delicious pies, accept that the first few pies you bake may not turn out well. Instead, accept that you have a learning curve to master, and that this does not make you an inferior human being. Instead, resolve to learn when you do make a mistake, and use that knowledge with your next pie.

Prepare, prepare, prepare

Nothing increases your self-confidence like preparation. Professional athletes train for hours upon hours daily before they play in an actual game, and most of them constantly go over the basics. The same applies for people in business. Preparing can be as simple as rehearsing what you are going to say on a phone call, or it can be as thorough as rehearsing with someone the answers you are going to give for your job interview, complete with sections from your portfolio and printed copies of your résumé on special paper stock. Preparation is one of the surest ways to increase your confidence.

Use your imagination

You can use your imagination to prepare you for an event and elevate your self-confidence in the process. For instance, before you go into that next business meeting, imagine yourself being insightful and making comments that everyone listens to. If you are going to a business convention, picture yourself talking with other people, moving from group to group and leaving behind positive impressions of yourself with everyone who talks to you. When you do this, you are visualizing the outcome you want to have, which leaves no room for your imagining a negative outcome, and it puts you in the mindset to achieve the outcome you desire.

Learn to handle criticism

Criticism can devastate self-confidence, and sometimes self-esteem, if you do not know how to handle it. When someone criticizes you, before anything else, listen to what they have to say. Listen actively, and once your criticizer is finished, discuss the criticism. However, only discuss the criticism as it relates to your actions, especially if it is focused on you as a person, especially items like your tastes or beliefs. Finally, adopt a win-win approach to criticism. If you are criticized for something, and the critic has a valid point, accept it. Then, when you fix the problem, you can feel confident that you have one less thing about which you can be criticized. Or, you can determine that the critic is wrong, and go away feeling secure in the fact that you are right. Either way, you win.

Know what you want

Before you can assert yourself, you have to know what you want. In order to determine what is important to you, make a list detailing your priorities in life. You will probably go overboard, but now is not the time to worry about that.

After you have made the list, set it aside for a day or two, then come back to it. On your second pass, revise the list. Combine items that are similar, get rid of any items that may be nice to have but are ultimately unimportant, and go through the rest to make sure the rest of the items mean exactly what you want them to mean.

Finally, put the list away again for another day or two. Take it out again and do a second revision. Keep tossing out the unimportant items, combining any priorities that seem to be similar, and redefining priorities that do not say what you want them to mean. By the time you are finished, you should have four or five priorities that are important enough for you to assert yourself. These priorities can be anything from “I want to earn $100,000 per year” to “I want to raise championship chickens” to “I want all three of my children to go to college.”

When you know your priorities, you not only know what to fight for, but you also know what is unimportant. If your biggest priority in life is to earn $100,000 a year, then you can ignore things that are not related to that goal, such as becoming the neighborhood bar trivia champion or being a fashion trendsetter. While achieving these goals might make you feel good in the short term, they do nothing to help you achieve your goal of earning that salary. But no one is saying you cannot also make one of your priorities in life to be a bar trivia champion.

When to assert yourself

When you know what your priorities are, you will be able to see what areas of your life deserve your attention and assertiveness, and which areas you do not have to worry about. But what about those day-to-day situations — for instance, a difficult conversation? At what point do you assert yourself, and what do you risk if you do decide to say something?

When you are deciding whether to be assertive, you must first understand and respect where the other person is coming from and how she feels. You might not agree with her point of view, but understanding is crucial. After all, if someone is talking to you and telling you all her problems, she very well might not have anyone else in whom she can confide. As in other aspects of conversation, empathy plays a big role.

You also need to retain your poise. When you are in a difficult conversation, emotions can run high, especially if you feel insulted or frustrated. While acting on those feelings can be extremely tempting, keeping your emotions in check is more important. If you do not, the difficult conversation could easily spiral out of control and result in a burned bridge or two. Speaking when you are calm will almost always be better than speaking when your emotions are running high.

Your decision should also be made without trying to hurt anyone. Remember that with assertiveness, ideally, everyone wins. Trying to hurt the other person may be tempting, but it also crosses the line from assertion into aggressiveness — not to mention that it is cruel. Instead, keep your sights focused on achieving a win-win situation.

Finally, check in with your future self. While this is usually reserved for people with time machines in science-fiction novels, all you have to use is your imagination. Think about how you will feel after the confrontation, whether it is something you will feel good about in the next five minutes, or the next hour, or the next day, month, or even year. If you think you are going to look back on this encounter and wish you had not said anything, it is probably best if you keep silent. Once you get through all these steps, you can then decide whether or not to assert yourself.

DECISIONS ARE UNAVOIDABLE

You might be thinking that figuring out which items are worth asserting yourself and which are not is an exercise in futility. In fact, you might be thinking that the decision to assert yourself at all is more trouble than it is worth. The problem with this option is that, if you take it, you have made the decision to not be assertive, and that nothing is worth your expressing your desires. And really, that is no way to live. Even if the thought of you asserting yourself terrifies you, it cannot be worse than constantly submitting to everyone else’s demands.

At Last, the Difficult Conversations and How to Handle Them

While bad conversations do have a tendency to stick in your mind, the fortunate truth is there are a limited number of ways in which a conversation can go bad. An even more fortunate truth is that you can handle most of them with equal finesse, thanks to the four-step conversation-leaving technique.

Handling a bore

Here is the scene — you are engaged in a conversation with a woman who, for the past ten minutes, been talking to you non-stop about her love of mystery-romance novels. She has ignored your attempts to talk about mystery writers such as Agatha Christie and Raymond Chandler, dismissing them as hacks. Currently, she is regaling you with a monologue where she is telling you, in-depth, about each of the plots of her favorite author’s 18-book series. She occasionally interrupts this recitation to tell you the plot of her own mystery novel that she will write whenever she gets enough time. At this point, you are fully aware your conversation partner is a bore.

Bores come in many different styles. One might be simply an over-enthusiastic fan who cannot stop praising her idol, while another might want to regale you with every single one of her achievements from elementary school to the present day. Yet another bore might have a burning desire to express his “obviously” correct political opinions to the first person who asks, and you are the “lucky” recipient. Even if you have not been in a conversation with a bore before, chances are that you know the stereotype.

If you find yourself talking to a bore and want to remove yourself from the conversation, this is where your assertiveness training comes in. When the bore gets to a point where she has to pause — either because she has in fact finished a sentence or that she just needed to take a breath — step in immediately. Start asking some close-ended questions, preferably those that relate to the topic of the conversation. If the bore tries to turn the question into an open-ended question, interject and say, “Just one more question,” or “Another thing that interested me is this…” Here is a sample of how to do this, using a sample bore known as “Boron.”

Boron: “…so that is how I became valedictorian. Now, when I was accepted to Michigan State University, I knew it had a very strong fraternity scene, so I immediately decided to spend my summer learning how to mix drinks so I could make a strong entrance. I did this while I was helping several non-profit organizations and, in fact, the executive director of one of the foundations was so impressed that he wrote me a glowing letter of recommendation.” (Boron pauses for a moment.)

You: “Well that is really exciting! Is becoming valedictorian a lot of hard work?”

Boron: “Yes, yes it is…”

You: “Did you use a planner to schedule your days while you were working at the non-profit so you could schedule your drink-mixing studies around them?”

Boron: “Funny you should say that: My mother gave me a very nice day planner during my freshmen year of high school. She told me, ‘Boron, you are going to be a man now, and —’”

You: “So you did use a planner!”

Boron: “Yes. My mother — ”

You: “Hold on, just one more question. Should all parents give their children day planners when they reach high school?”

Boron: “Absolutely! Why — ”

You: “Do they have to be fancy day planners?”

The important thing to remember when exiting a conversation with a bore is to control the dialogue. In the previous example, by asking the question during the pause the focus of the conversation has shifted to you, even though Boron there is still giving out answers. Also notice that those questions were close-ended, and all you needed were some yes-or-no questions regarding Boron’s conversation thread.

Once you have asked two or three questions, follow the four-step conversation technique by referring to something the bore mentioned, tell him you will follow up on it, and then say goodbye. Voila — you have left the conversation, and you have in fact managed to do so on a high note. Whether or not you follow up on any of the information you discussed with the bore is your choice. Here is an example of how to finish up a conversation, which follows up from the previous example between you and Boron.

You: “As I was saying, does it have to be a fancy day planner?”

Boron: “Of course not, although a fancy day planner does encourage a child to…”

You: “Well, that’s great! I’ve been thinking I should get a day planner, and a fancy one sounds appropriate. Listen, I have to go, but I’ll keep your day planner advice in mind. Goodbye.”

Boron: “OK, sure… goodbye.”

The important point to remember about the conversation is that once you have control over it, do not give it up. This will take some assertiveness on your part, but retaining control is very important. If you give up control of the conversation, the bore will take it back. At that point, trying to leave the conversation gracefully will be impossible. If you take control of the conversation again, the bore will know you are trying to keep control of the conversation and that you are trying to get away from him.

BE DIRECT!

If you happen to be in a problem conversation at a business convention or at a networking meeting, the process of leaving is actually easier because you have a ready-made excuse available. All you need to do is say, “I am sorry, I would love to stay and chat some more, but I set a goal for myself that I would network with 15 people at this event, and I still have eight more to go,” or “I hate to leave, but I know that the representative from Chelsea-Brooks is here, and I would like to talk with her.” In fact, you can even simultaneously flatter the person when leaving by asking for recommendations of whom you should talk with at the event.

Placating a complainer

Another less-than-ideal conversation partner is the complainer: The person who will join you for drinks and reply “Awful!” when you ask how he is doing. Handling a complainer can be difficult because, unlike the bore, complainers come in three very distinct flavors. The first type of complainer is the stereotype for this kind of difficult conversation — the guy who drones on endlessly about how poorly his wife is treating him, how disrespectful his children are, how unappreciated he is in the workplace, how his car has been running strangely, and how the carpenters really screwed up the hot tub they installed. In many ways, the stereotypical complainer is no different than the bore — he monopolizes the conversation and keeps the spotlight focused on him. He wants attention just as much as the bore does, and complaining is his way of getting it.

The other two types of complainers still want attention, but for more sympathetic reasons. The second type of complainer is a friend or relative who is going through a hard time. She could use a little support to help her get through the day, or week, or even month or year. This is just an obligation that friends and relatives have for each other, and the fact that someone close to you has occasionally chosen you as her shoulder to cry on should not be considered a problem conversation.

The final type of complainer falls somewhere between the first two, and is the most difficult one with whom you will have to deal. This is the person who is not close to you, but who is having a hard time and finally needs to tell someone about all the problems he has experienced in order to relieve some of the stress. While this may seem like the first kind of complainer, the reality is that he could probably just use a sympathetic ear, in the same way a friend would. Because you are not a close friend, the difficulty is in figuring out how to react. It does not help matters any that this type of complainer is often indistinguishable from the first type.

When someone is complaining to you, the key is to trust your judgment. Let the complainer pour his heart out to you for a while if he happens to be your friend. Most of the time, your friend will just need to get whatever is bothering him off his chest. In fact, when a stranger decides to unburden her problems to you, generally, that is all she is looking to do. If you get the sense that all the other person needs is a shoulder to cry on, let him or her have it, and appreciate that you are doing your part to make the world a better place. A good rule of thumb is to allow a complainer one to two “rounds” of complaining, as measured by breaks in their train of thought. Below is an example, brought to you by our own Person A and Person B, this time acting as Donna and Simon.

Donna: “Hey Simon, how are you doing?”

Simon: “Well, Donna, pretty terrible, actually.”

Donna: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What’s wrong?”

Simon: “For starters, my fiancée is really sick. She had to go to the hospital last night, and they’re keeping her there until morning. And this morning my car wouldn’t start, so I had to get it towed, and then I was late for work, and my supervisor got on my case for it.”

[This is the first round of complaining, and if Donna is a friend or a coworker, Simon’s complaining to her is pretty understandable.]

Donna: “Wow… that’s a lot to deal with. I’m sorry.”

Simon: “Yeah. And before all that, my refrigerator broke so I had to get it replaced, and I’d gotten into a fight with my bank as to whether I’d made the monthly payment on my condominium.”

[And here ends the second round of complaining. If Donna is Simon’s friend in this scenario, she probably already knows about Simon’s hassles with the refrigerator and can understand his folding them into his complaints. If she is one of his coworkers, then Donna is justified in trying to leave the conversation at this point. We will assume for now that Donna decides to stay out of the kindness of her heart.]

Donna: “Well… I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through all that, Simon.”

Simon: “Yeah, I’m sorry. I just needed to get it off my chest, you know? The car was just the last straw.”

That is (ideally) how most conversations with complainers will go. However, imagine that the rest of the conversation had gone like this:

Donna: “Well… I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through all that, Simon.”

Simon: “Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just that so many things are going wrong. I mean, the project that I am working on right now is a real bear: The customer keeps asking for changes to the design, and my supervisor really wants to get it out as soon as possible. And I am really trying to deal with my fiancée’s parents, because they had their heart set on her marrying a surgeon instead. What am I supposed to do, drop everything and go back to medical school? Of course, then there is my sister, who keeps reminding me that I wanted to be a doctor when I was a kid, and I don’t need that kind of stress, you know?”

Then, Simon would have crossed that fine line into being a complainer, and Donna should think about leaving the conversation.

In order to leave a conversation with a complainer, you must again take control of the conversation. Start asking questions about the person’s problems, and make sure they are all closed-ended questions. Restricting the complainer to yes-or-no answers usually prevents him from elaborating on the problem. After you have taken control, end the conversation by showing some sympathy. Phrases like “Well, I really hope things get better for you,” or “You’ll get through this, OK?” are good examples of how you can show the complainer a little sympathy without getting drawn back in. Then finish the conversation the same way you would with the four-step technique. Tell the complainer you need to get back to work, or that you need to meet some other people, then leave.

If the complainer is your friend, you will probably want to be more helpful. Start by asking close-ended questions about your friend’s problems, then ask her what you think she could do to start solving some of those problems. You want to encourage her to seek out her own solutions here, or at least help to get her into a problem-solving mindset. If her problems seem to be beyond her control, such as undergoing a bad breakup or having a parent in the hospital, you can phrase the question to help her find the answer. Ask how she thinks she can reduce the stress in her life, or if there is anything she can do to get her mind off her problems.

If your friend cannot come up with anything on her own, do not try to help her. This may sound cruel, but you are trying to get her to solve her own problems. If you help her solve them, you are giving her more attention and encouraging her to complain at you in the future. You may also want to segue the conversation onto more positive ground, although this can be difficult when the main topic has been the complainer’s problems. If you can shift the conversation to a more positive note, then you can end the conversation with good feelings between you and the complainer. End the conversation by wishing your friend well and leaving.

The high-pressure sales pitch

So there you are, sitting at your desk, when a coworker approaches and within two sentences tells you that his daughter is in Girl Scouts and is selling cookies. The girl who sells the most boxes of cookies wins a special prize — and his daughter really wants to win that prize. He has talked with most everyone else in the office, and they have all agreed to buy four boxes — now, it is your turn. Are you going to go with the average of four boxes, or are you going to really step up to the plate and buy five or six?

Welcome to the world of high-pressures sales. While you may encounter this type of problem conversation from overly enthusiastic parents, you will more often run into them at business seminars where the speaker really wants you to buy her new book on how to be successful without working. You will also encounter these types of conversations with door-to-door fundraisers and, most infamously, telemarketers. These two groups both use scripts specifically designed to railroad you into buying or signing up for something. In order to leave these conversations with any sense of grace, you will need to be more assertive than you needed to be with the other two.

Unfortunately, the high-pressure sales pitch is immune to the four-step conversation-leaving technique. In order to escape from this kind of conversation with anything approaching grace, you will need to use the “skipped disc” method. The skipped disc method is very simple — when the person starts to ratchet up the pressure, say “No thank you.” The other person will inevitably try another tactic. Maybe she will bring up the fact that all your friends and neighbors have bought her product. Maybe she will point out that you will get an unimaginable bargain on her product if you just order now, or maybe she will note that you need, more than anything, to buy a membership in her organization that is committed to saving the world. Whatever she says, if it is something you do not want to do, say, “I am sorry, but I am really not interested.” Or you can say, “Thanks for letting me know! I’m not sure if I’ll be able to this year, but I know where to find you.”

Be warned, however, that doing this takes a lot of assertiveness, depending on how much pressure the other person puts on you. Your coworker may guilt-trip you and, if he wants to be pushy, will remind you about you letting him down for the next week or two. Telemarketers and door-to-door salespeople have been known to let fly an insult or two if you do not do what they say. No matter what, remember that you have a right to say no. If your coworker’s daughter does not win the big prize, it is not because you did not buy some cookies. Millions of people do not buy products from telemarketers or door-to-door salespeople.

FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS

Most people view dealing with telemarketers with the same enthusiasm they view getting a root canal. Some people, though, have decided to take a different approach to dealing with high-pressure sales marketing. Instead of saying “no” until the other person gets the point, they decide to prank the other person, where the goal is to get the other person to walk away in frustration. This is particularly true with telemarketers, and the Internet is filled with sound files of telemarketers being driven crazy in imaginative ways. To be fair, most of them are hilarious. Tom Mabe, at www.tommabe.com, is a good example. You might also be interested in listening to comedian Jim Florentine at www.jimflorentine.com, which features clips of his “Terrorizing Telemarketers” CDs. His clip about the brothers is particularly recommended.

While you may be tempted to emulate these people, dealing with them directly is better. Simply being assertive is more graceful than pranking them, and pranking someone burns bridges. Who knows? The telemarketer you prank today may be the 911 operator whom you rely on in the future to send help your way. The telemarketer may not like your being direct, as it costs him a sale, but he will hate it a lot less than being led on for 10 minutes.

Other Ways to Leave

Although using the four-step conversation-leaving technique and its variations to get out of a problem conversation is one of the best ways to extricate yourself from another person’s company, it is by no means the only way. You have other options available.

Sacrifice a pawn

One way to get yourself out of a difficult conversation is to invite another person into the conversation, then quickly excuse yourself after you introduce the two people to each other. This is a quick and easy way to get out of a conversation, and it has the benefit of not requiring you to be assertive. However, the person you draft to take your place might not be too thrilled to learn he has just become the newest conversation partner to a bore. Whether you are at a business convention or an office party, you are going to want to make sure that you have not burned any bridges by doing this. Furthermore, the sacrifice you chose may return the favor by choosing you as a sacrifice to escape from his conversation. After all — he knows who you are now. The main problem with this technique is that you are not confronting the issue at hand — you are only passing it off to somebody else.

Let your cell phone interrupt

Another tactic for leaving a problem conversation is to fake a cell phone call in the middle of a conversation and excuse yourself to answer it. This tactic does not require you to assert yourself, and all you have to do is pretend to answer your cell phone as you are walking away from the conversation.

While this is a very effective means of leaving the conversation, it is still based on lying. If the other person is observant enough to notice that your cell phone did not vibrate or play its ringtone, he may not say anything, but it is pretty likely his feelings will be hurt, and he will remember you if you meet again. In a business convention, this can be devastating to your reputation.

The other problem with faking a cell phone call is that the other person might decide to courteously wait for you. If he knows his social graces, he will tell you first, letting you know that he will be waiting for you to come and talk to him again. If he has no social graces at all he might follow you as you take your cell phone “call,” lurking visibly in the background so you can talk to him again when you are done with your call. At worst, the other person will realize you were lying to him; at best, you will have to be assertive with him and use the four-step conversation-ending technique in order to finally walk away.

ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND CONVERSATION

Whether you are actually being misleading in a conversation depends on whom you ask. Some people prefer to be as honest as possible; others have no problem telling white lies — or a few gray ones — to smooth the social machinery. Others have their own standards on when lying is acceptable and to whom you can lie without feeling guilty.

The advice you will receive in this book is based on the idea that honesty is the best policy. By and large, you will get more respect when you are honest with someone, and when you are confident and assert yourself, you can disagree with someone without feeling guilty. Honesty is also the easiest option in the long term, as you do not have to worry about keeping track of which people believe which lie.

You should be aware, though, that being completely honest can also result in hurt feelings. If you do not want to talk to someone when he or she approaches you, saying, “I am sorry; you caught me just as I was going to the bar to freshen my drink. Can I take a rain check?” is more tactful than saying, “Well, I really do not want to talk to you right now. Actually, I do not want to talk to anyone, but I might feel like it in ten minutes or so.” If you must lie, do it to spare other people’s feelings — not to make your life easier.

So, you got away from the bore and bolstered the complainer before sending him off to face the world again. Congratulations are definitely in order. Now that you have learned about how to survive in the social scene of conventions and parties, why not apply your skills to a more mundane setting?

Table of Contents

Chapter 8

Conversations in the Workplace

Business conventions, parties, and networking events: None of these events is quite like the conversations you will have at your office. On one hand, you will get to know the people you work with and will spend a lot of time interacting with them. On the other hand, you are coworkers, not friends. While there is nothing wrong with having coworkers who are friends, some topics are off-limits during work hours, and some issues should never be brought up in front of anyone with whom you work.

Getting Started

Mostly, workplace conversations are very similar to normal conversations; however, when you start working for a company, you will want to be more formal than you would be talking to your friends. While you may call your coworkers by their first names, wait until your supervisor and those on his level give you permission before you refer to them on a first-name basis. Otherwise, use their titles, such as “Mr.,” “Mrs.,” or “Ms.” This type of behavior radiates class and creates a good first impression.

Office formality can also establish itself during conversations with customers and clients, as well as during office meetings. Be prepared to offer an opening handshake to business contacts you meet for the first time. When the conversation closes, give a parting handshake while saying goodbye. During the conversation itself, focus on listening actively and avoid lapsing into any informal habits you might be tempted to indulge in, such as:

- Chewing gum

- Scratching an itch

- Drumming your fingers

- Twirling your pen

- Twirling your hair

- Tapping your feet

Workplace Friendships

So, you have settled in at your job, and you would like to make friends with your coworkers. However, you are wondering what to say to them. After all, your company probably has a code of conduct, and making an inappropriate remark could get you in trouble. If this sort of thing worries you, you are probably not the kind of person who needs to worry. If you are conscious about not wanting to breach the company’s code of conduct, you probably will not. Furthermore, most of the rules are ones you probably already follow in public areas, such as no serious swearing, no harassing your coworkers regardless of race or gender, and no showing up at work intoxicated. If you do happen to do any of these in public, get yourself to the local bookstore and immediately buy a book on manners.

The only rule you need to keep in mind when talking with your coworkers is this: Avoid any controversial topic. Mostly, you will avoid controversy if you avoid those perennial favorite topics of arguments everywhere: religion and politics. Topics that manage to mix both religion and politics are especially bad. For instance, do not bring up the topics of abortion or gay marriage unless you are prepared to spend the rest of the conversation on a knock-down, drag-out argument that will ultimately be unlikely to change anyone’s mind.

Instead, focus on non-controversial topics. Sports and weather are good topics with which to begin conversations, even if they are a little bland. However, you can get a lot more conversational mileage by asking your coworkers about their jobs. Asking your coworkers what their current projects are and inquiring about the finer points of their jobs is a good way to get to know them without risking controversial topics. If a coworker brings up a controversial subject matter, politely try to change the topic. This is especially important if you disagree with your coworker about the topic in question. If, for example, he mentions that he thinks there should be more democrats in Congress, and you are a committed conservative, do not try to engage him. Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry to change the subject, but I just was reminded of something I heard on the new last night. Did you know...?” Or you can try, “Oh, I wish I could contribute, but I’m not much for politics. Can you believe how beautiful the weather was this weekend?” This tactic works much better if you happen to have another topic already in mind.

You will also want to avoid complaining when talking to your coworkers, especially about other coworkers or your boss. Complainers in general are not fun to talk with, and if word gets back to your supervisor that you have been complaining about him, expect the relationship between the two of you to get very tense. On the other hand, you can mention that a project is difficult or time-consuming, as long as you avoid harping on it.

Let’s not get personal

Outside of controversial issues, you also do not want to bring up too much personal information. Mentioning health problems or money troubles is not complaining, but it comes off as seeming weak, as workplace communication columnist Dawn Rosenberg McKay says. Talking about difficulties in your home life also makes you seem weak and unreliable, and may damage your chances for increased responsibility and promotion later. Ask yourself what you most want to be known for in the workplace — your competence and skills, or the chaos in your home life. While your coworkers may eventually come to find out some aspects of your personal life the longer you get to know each other — and some aspects like a pregnancy are hard to keep to yourself after a while — make sure you do not share anything about you that you would not like everyone around the office to hear.

Body Language in the Workplace

Body language is more widely trusted than the spoken word; language does not always have to be spoken. If you were to come across an old friend and he told you he missed you but did not come any closer, would you believe it, or would you more likely believe a greeting that came along with a huge hug? While words are still the main form of communication, there is a more developed way to say what is really on your mind — most people tend to say they are not tired and then yawn. This makes body language pertinent in the discovery of what your true feelings are, and as a reinforcement of the language you speak.

A study about blind people talking with their hands, even when talking to other blind people, revealed that, from birth, people are taught that speaking with gestures conveys a message better than if no body language is used. This is true for most everyone. For example, no one really likes going to the doctor, but the doctor can do certain things to make the visit more comfortable for the patient. If that doctor shows genuine signs of interest in the patient’s problems, such as leaning forward, not looking at charts as much, coming closer to a person, and nodding, then the patient will be less uncomfortable and relay everything that is wrong. The greeting is an important part of the patient-doctor relationship, or in any relationship, for that matter. If the doctor comes in with a warm smile and handshake, and she keeps eye contact during the visit, that indicates more concern for her patient. A positive experience in a doctor’s office can be had if the doctor sits down to talk to the patient and doesn’t constantly look at her watch or the door. These body language clues make the patient feel like the doctor does not care, or has no interest in what the patient’s medical problem is.

The above example can also be used in an everyday work environment. If you go into the office of a colleague or superior and they show the same disinterested body language as the doctor does, the same conclusions can be drawn about how your coworker or boss really feels. Then, the line of communication between employees breaks down, and nothing gets resolved. If they show a genuine interest in what you have to say, then things can get resolved, and the communication lines will be opened more, resulting in a better work environment. The communication of body language is detrimental in the workplace — it can determine whether a pleasant day in the office will take place and whether the deadlines will be met.

Quick facts: Workplace body language

- Other peoples’ intentions are expressed through the eyes.

- If you are looking to make advancements in the workplace, understanding your ability to show emotion and meaning through your eyes is key.

- Your facial expressions show what you are feeling, regardless if you want them to.

- Anger, fear, disgust, surprise, happiness, and sadness are the six universal facial expressions recognizable to everyone.

- Head positions and movements tell the individual if you are interested in what they have to say.

- Head-nodding is one of the most common gestures in the workplace, and it has many meanings.

Tips on creating a positive message — How to use the eyes and hands together

- Always look the other person in the eyes while shaking hands.

- Smile.

- Stand up when you are being introduced and shake their hand.

- Always make sure your right hand is free for shaking — shift everything else to the left side before approaching the other person.

- Face the other person — never angle your body.

- Make sure that there is palm-to-palm contact, and that the webs of your hands meet.

- When offering your hand, make sure it is in the sideways position to create a sense of equality.

- Always use a firm handshake, especially if you are a woman.

- Keep a grip on the other person’s hand for a few seconds longer while you exchange greetings to show sincerity.

- Always talk before you let go

- Avoid looking down when you break away

ROMANCE IN THE WORKPLACE

Most people spend a lot of time at their jobs. Data gathered by Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen in 2007 showed that 40 percent of all workers spend at least 50 hours a week working. That does not leave a lot of time for personal interests, including dating. Because employees see their coworkers, male and female, on a daily basis, having a romance in the workplace can seem like a great way to combine business and personal goals.

Dating a coworker is a fine idea, so long as the relationship lasts — and herein lies the problem. In 2006, business consultant Scott Clark observed that 53 percent of office romances only last one year. After five years, 84 percent of all those remaining office romances end in breakups, a situation made worse by the fact that the former couple still has to spend time together in the office, regardless of their feelings. The period after the breakup can involve hostility from both parties, a decrease in productivity, or even a sexual harassment lawsuit. The breakups and the resulting clashes that accompany them are the main reasons why several companies prohibit workplace romances.

Talking with Bosses

Talking with your boss can be intimidating. Not only is she your coworker, but also your direct superior. Her opinion of you can help you get a raise, be promoted, and generally make the difference between a tolerable work environment and a work environment you actually enjoy. Of course, her opinion can also marginalize you, or ensure that you have no work environment at all.

Talking with your boss does not have to be intimidating, though. The first rule of talking to your boss is to remember that she is a coworker, and that many of the same rules of talking to your coworkers apply when talking to your boss — be respectful, be formal, and avoid controversial topics. You should also avoid personal topics the same way you do with your coworkers, although sometimes that may not be easy to do. You have to clear your vacation time with her, for instance, as well as maternity leave, bereavement, sick days, and minor issues, like car trouble. The important thing to keep in mind about your personal issues is to not let them affect your professional performance. You may have to take a few days off because you have the flu, but if no deadlines are missed and no crises arise because of your absence, your boss will be fine with giving you the time off you need to get well.

Attitude is very important when dealing with bosses. Despite the mass media’s portrayal of the super-jerk who is the best at what she does being loved by all around her, a bad attitude is poison to your career. Instead, try to be positive, even if you do not feel like it. Give people a smile when you talk to them, and when talking about projects, do not talk about the difficulties you are encountering without discussing what you are doing to overcome those difficulties. Bosses like a “can-do” attitude because the more you can do on your own, the easier their own jobs will be.

Talking business with the boss

You have now made some small talk with the boss, and you are feeling a little bit more at ease around him. So far, so good, but now you have to go and talk business with him. As you gather your papers, you have a sinking feeling that asking how the ball game he attended over the weekend is not going to be appropriate to bring up while he asks you about the project’s status.

Fortunately, you are on the right path by gathering your papers. When you go to talk with your boss, be organized. Often, that just means collecting your notes and making sure they are in order. For those of you who feel a bit more nervous, you may also want to write down a list of points you want to bring up, or draft a quick outline of the project status. More preparation is always better than less.

When you get to your boss’s office to talk, remember to be calm. In other words, do not let your emotions get the best of you, and above all, do not raise your voice when talking to your boss. Do not be completely passive, though. When you are discussing business, get right to the point. If you disagree with your boss, politely tell her why. If your boss disagrees with you, request specific reasons.

Bosses and Friendship

On one hand, being your boss’s friend is a very attractive option. Being on the good side of your boss on a semi-permanent basis means you can relax a bit while giving department reports, and your work relationship can shift subtly from feeling as though you have to do a project well or risk being fired to wanting to do a project well because you do not want to let your friend down. You can also benefit from the trust that friends have for each other, which may result in increased responsibilities — not to mention that kind of trust is useful when determining if you are ready to accept the burdens that come with being promoted.

On the other hand, you need to make sure you do not get too friendly with your boss. Remember that you are still the subordinate, and your boss still has power over you. Becoming too friendly can damage your credibility with your coworkers, especially when your boss rewards you and questions circulate as to whether you got rewarded because of the work you have done — or because of your friendship with your boss.

Difficult conversations with bosses

You may have more difficult conversations than when you need to disagree with your boss, but they will be few and far between. Disagreeing with your boss can be the highest-pressure conversation of all high-pressure conversations, especially in a situation in which she repeatedly asks you to stay late to do extra work.

In these situations, you do not want to be over-assertive. While you still want to speak your mind, you do not want your boss to think badly of you. When you do decide to assert yourself, suggest an alternative decision that satisfies both your boss’s needs and your own. For instance, if you cannot work late, you can make plans to come in early the next day instead of working late. You can also suggest another employee, provided you know that he or she will be all right with it.

Another way to defuse difficult conversations with your boss is to do what you can to prevent them from happening in the first place. If you know in advance when your time is limited, then you can bring it up to your boss in polite conversation. Most of the time, however, you will want to do what your boss asks.

Table of Contents

Chapter 9

Conversation and Friendship

While simply talking to people is fine, conversation really shines when it allows you to make friends. Nothing feels quite as good as having true friendships, and very few activities are not improved by having these friends around. At the core of friendship is a voluntary investment of time and emotion, which usually means hanging around each other and talking over an extended period of time. Through the course of this chapter, we will talk about moving from small talk and into deeper personal communication. If you have trouble making friends, you are in luck because this chapter also discusses where to go to meet potential friends. Now that you know how to talk to people, the process of making friends is actually very easy. If you can remember four rules, you can establish many conversations that lead to effortlessly making new friends.

The Four Rules of Making Friends

- Take the initiative.

- Recognize your own value and the value of other people.

- Be sincerely interested in other people.

- Show kindness and respect to all.

FRIENDSHIPS ARE NOT INSTANT

Before we begin, remember that friendships do not just happen overnight. If you go to a party filled with strangers, you may come away with people you might like to see again, and you might be able to call some of them acquaintances — but friendship rarely happens in the space of one party. If you want to be friends with someone, you need to get to know him or her first. Misjudging the amount of time required to form a friendship can lead to some moments that are hilarious in sitcoms, but pretty awkward in real life.

Time is required to form a friendship partially because two people must develop trust in each other. You need to ask yourself questions about the other person, such as how much personal information you reveal and whether you trust your potential friend to follow through when you ask her for a favor. In other words, you need to get to know the other person. The process is not always easy, and more than one friendship has been wrecked when one person discovers something about the other, such as that she cannot keep personal information confidential, or she does not make time for you.

So Where do You Find Friends?

If you are someone who does not feel she has very many friends, there is good news — finding potential friends is easy. However, this does not mean that friends are going to leap out from the bushes and latch onto you the next time you go out for a walk. The stipulation here is that finding potential friends is easy, but you have to put forth the effort to reach out to them.

The easiest way to find potential friend material is to just go to places you like to hang out. If you are a reader, head to your local library or bookstore. You can strike up a conversation with someone who is standing in a section you find interesting, like biographies. If you like hitting the gym every day after work, other regular attendees probably share your passion. If you like to hit the nightclubs on the weekends, you can probably break the ice on the dance floor. Here are some ideas to get you started:

If you enjoy….

You will find potential friends at…

Swimming

The beach, community pool, and swim classes.

Dancing

Dance classes, nightclubs, and the community theater.

Watching movies

Movie theaters, DVD aisles of superstores, and film societies.

Board games

Hobby shops, community centers, libraries, and friends’ houses.

Disc golf

Disc golf courses, sport equipment stores, and recreation centers.

Cycling

Bike stores and bike paths.

Spectator sports

Sports bars, arenas, and work.

Church

Actual church services, church small groups. They have many for singles, youths, elders, middle-age, people who enjoy the same interests, people who want to volunteer, and more.

Volunteering

Your local newspaper likely lists several volunteer opportunities that you can try, such as the humane society and elementary schools.

Reaching out

Now that you have a number of suitable candidates for a friend, it is time to reach out and start interacting with them. The way you do this, of course, is through conversation. Use the techniques that you have learned in previous chapters and start talking to people. Unlike many types of these conversations, reaching out to people in these locations is much easier, as you already share some common ground. Ask someone how long he has been going to the gym, for instance, or ask an open-ended question about the type of board games he likes to play. If you like spectator sports, you can talk to someone about her favorite sports team, and talking about your state’s professional sports team is a good default option.

One of the best parts about being around an area where similar people gather is that you can ease into a conversation with them. There is nothing wrong with immediately striking up a conversation with someone at first, but by going to the same place over the course of three or four visits, you can establish yourself as a presence among the other people there. You can also get to know people better before you approach them — not to mention that some outgoing individuals may actually approach you and start up a conversation.

DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF

While going where people with interests similar to you is one of the best ways to find friends, it is not the only place to find them. You can make friends anywhere, including in your workplace, your neighborhood, or even at the grocery store.

How to Talk to Prospective Friends

For the most part, talking to potential friends is no different than talking to anyone else. However, there are some small adjustments you can make to your conversation style in order to find out more personal information about your prospective friend. This will enable you to determine if he is the kind of person with whom you want to be friends.

Send a message with ritual questions

When you ask someone a conversation starting ritual question, you are sending him a message that you want to get to know him a bit better. Some ritual questions, though, are better for communicating that you want to get to know someone as a friend, rather than just an acquaintance or a business associate. Among these “friend inquiry” open-ended ritual questions are ones that gently probe the other person’s background. Here are some examples:

- How did you get started in your job?

- How long have you lived in this neighborhood?

- When did you start working out?

- What do you like to do when you are not working?

- When did you first get interested in hockey?

Get introductions out of the way

When talking to a potential friend, get introductions out of the way early. This will help to establish rapport with him. You can incorporate your introduction into your opening conversation starter. However, that approach can backfire, as it tends to leave you sounding as though you are desperate for someone to talk with. A better approach is to slip in an introduction right after the other person has answered an open-ended question. At this point, you have let your prospective friend know that you want to get to know him better, and he has opened himself up a bit to you. There is no better time to pause, make introductions, and then continue with the rest of the conversation. Here is a good example of an effective way to introduce yourself:

Doug: “Excuse me, you seem really good at painting. When did you first start to paint?”

Melissa: “Oh, I first started painting when I was a teenager. I really wanted to be like Julie Bell.”

Doug: “I can see her influence in your paintings. By the way, my name is Doug.”

Melissa: “Oh, I’m Melissa.”

Doug: “Pleased to meet you, Melissa. So, what was the first Julie Bell painting you ever saw?”

Draw out their opinions

Unlike business conventions, soirees, or networking events, you want to get to know your potential friend much better. After all, how can you know how likely a friendship is if the two of you simply stand around and make small talk? You want to get to know the other person before you can decide if you want to be his friend.

In order to draw out someone’s opinions, you will have to take a page from Sherlock Holmes’ book. Notice things about your prospective friend that seem like they might really matter to him. Sometimes, this is as simple as following the normal methods of establishing a conversation: Notice items the person has on him that give you a clue as to what is important. Other times, you may have to dig a bit deeper. For instance, if you meet your prospective friend at an ice-skating rink and he has his own ice skates as opposed to rentals, you can reasonably assume that he is passionate about ice-skating. However, you may discover even though he is passionate about ice-skating, he is really doing this so he can possibly compete in an amateur skating division. At that point, you know what interests him, and you can immediately dive into issues about which he is truly passionate, such as how to perform double axles, how figure skaters are performing, what the next figure skating contest is, and who is going to the next Winter Olympics.

Be casual

One of the common mistakes people make while trying to make friends is to try to impress them. Even though this is an understandable desire, avoid it. If you try to show off how intelligent or insightful you are, you run the risk of it backfiring. People will not remember what you were boasting about — just that you are boastful. If you really want to impress someone, the best advice is also the most clichéd: Be yourself. In other words, make sure that you are being friendly and informal with the person you are talking to. You also want to be receptive. Make sure the other person knows that you are interested in what he has to say. This rule applies to whomever you are talking to, and it is the second key to making friends. People want to hang around those who find them interesting.

Let them know they are important

People especially appreciate when others find them worthwhile enough to remember. If you can remember a prospective friend’s name, you have gone a long way to making her your friend. You will endear yourself to her even more if you can remember details about her from the last time you spoke. For instance, if your prospective friend mentions she likes to read books by Tracy Chevalier, then the next time you speak, mention you have heard she has another book coming out in the next year and ask if she has heard any advance news. Or if she mentions her keen interest in politics, you can bring up the most recent political event; if it is not too controversial, discuss it with her. Bringing up these topics has the added benefit of giving you an issue about which your prospective friend is passionate.

Value yourself

This pillar of friendship should be extremely obvious, but sometimes it can be easy to overlook. In order to make friends, you have to know that you are worth having as a friend. This comes back to self-esteem. If you do not value yourself, you will not expect other people to value you, and your efforts at finding friends are sabotaged before you even begin. If you are still having problems with your self-esteem, then before you go out, give yourself a small pep talk. You want to build yourself up, and you do not have to worry about what anyone else says, since this pep talk is for you and you alone. Here are some sample things you can say to yourself to bolster your ego before going out and talking to friends.

“Hey, I can do this.”

“I am really interesting to be around.”

“People like talking to me.”

“I know how to talk to people.”

“People enjoy being around me.”

Just keep repeating the pep talk you gave yourself, even if you feel uncertain of yourself sometimes. Eventually, you will come to believe it.

Just be nice

The final key to making friends is to show kindness and respect to everyone — not just the people with whom you want to befriend. Humorist Dave Barry once noted, “Anyone who is rude to their waiter or waitress is not a nice person,” and the observation has a lot of truth to it. If a potential friend observes you being rude to a stranger or someone you consider inferior, like a waiter or janitor, she may come to the conclusion you are not a nice person. At the least, she will start to wonder what happens if she gets on your bad side or what you say about her when she is not around. Be nice to everyone, and if you cannot be nice, at least be respectful. The old saying “nice people finish last” is not entirely true — no one really invites the mean people to play the game once they show their true colors.

CASE STUDY: TALKING OTHERS INTO BEING FRIENDS

Theresa Joyce

Entrepreneur, founder of FunctionALL-Linens

thepocketshop@yahoo.com

512--1232

Theresa Joyce is a natural-born conversationalist. “My husband often comments that I never meet a stranger,” she said. “He also comments that he cannot send me in anywhere because I always seem to get involved in conversations.”

Part of Joyce’s secret to success is to ask questions or just be helpful. One of her favorite icebreakers to use is talking about pets. “If they have a pet or love animals, and you have an animal, that is good for five minutes of getting to know each other on a very basic level,” she said. Joyce also finds that the “old standard of weather” makes a great conversation starter but, ultimately, the best way to start a conversation depends on the environment. “If you are standing in line at a grocery store, for example, you may comment on how busy they are. At the vegetable market, you may ask if they have seen a certain vegetable or you may comment on the great selection they have, which could lead into a conversation about the crops this year,” she said.

One can meet new people anywhere, according to Joyce. She does suggest a few places where people will have more success, though. Among these places are business networking groups, nightclubs, dog parks (you need to have a dog first), church, and even a car dealership while your car is getting repaired. Doing volunteer work is also a good place to meet new people, Joyce said.

Joyce also makes sure that people know she is open to people coming up to her and starting a conversation. “I look directly at them and either verbally greet them or by gesture,” she said. “A greeting lets others know you are approachable.” When Joyce holds a conversation, she wants to get knowledge or pleasure out of it. Joyce’s four elements for a good conversation are a topic, good details, mutual interest, and a point to the conversation. These elements can lead to a good conversation that lasts at least eight minutes.

When talking to someone, Joyce listens more than she talks. She also asks questions to get a sense of the individual. “I would love to always be myself, but that is not always wise,” she said. “Consider utilizing a conservative demeanor and mirroring the individuals’ way of communication.” Despite being conservative during a conversation, Joyce will reveal personal information if she senses it is OK to be “human.”

Despite Joyce’s skill at talking to people, she does encounter some hurdles to holding a conversation. Unlike many people, though, she has strategies to help her get around them. For example, if someone is paranoid, she tries to be friendly in a way that usually loosens up a person and removes any barriers. However, she tries not to be too friendly, because that can scare someone away. Another obstacle Joyce encounters is someone who is in a bad mood. “Empathy usually works in that situation,” she said. The most difficult obstacle for Joyce is when the other person does not display much of a personality. She advises people to just press on, ask a question, and see how he or she responds.

In order to hone one’s skills at conversation, Joyce suggests a lot of practice before going out in the world. “Practice orating or having a casual conversation by talking to oneself, and use a mirror,” she said. “You can also use a cheat sheet to make sure you cover the points you need to cover.”

The most amazing part about Joyce’s ability to communicate is that she considers herself shy. “People never believe it,” she said. “I sometimes have to force myself to get out and encounter others. If you are scared, I strongly suggest taking a deep breath and just doing it.”

Doing Things Together

Once you are comfortable enough talking to a prospective friend where the two of you constantly meet, you can cement the friendship by doing things with each other on a regular basis. This is actually the case for most men, where most friendships are cemented through doing activities rather than through talking, as studies by Michael Monsour in 2006, among others, have proved. Doing things together gives friends a chance to see what each other is like, and many male friendships have a basis on doing favors for one another throughout the life of the friendship.

Most of the time, this happens without much extra work. If you and a friend share a love of horror movies, then agreeing to go with each other to the nearest theater on the weekend to catch a zombie flick is a logical activity to share. This is not always the case, however. Sometimes asking a friend to do an activity feels off, or you feel as though your friend might read more into your asking him to do something than you are actually intending. If you have ever felt like this, the following advice should make things easier for you.

First, make sure that whatever activity you have planned is one that you and your friend are mutually interested in. If you are both avid wall climbers and you have heard of a great course in the next city that you would like to try out, ask your friend to join you. If you both enjoy visiting Renaissance fairs, you can ask your friend if he wants to join you at a Renaissance fair you are planning to go to. This kind of invitation can work even if the both of you have only talked about your hobbies. For instance, if you and your friend have both talked about how much you like nature centers, you can bring up the fact that a nearby nature center is going to be celebrating its four-year anniversary, and ask if he would like to come along.

Second, have a definite time and place set in mind. Your friend will be more receptive the more specific you are with the where and when of the activity than if you just say, “Hey, a county fair is going on. Wanna go to it?” A better approach is to say, “Hey, Shonte. The Washtenaw County Fair is going on this weekend. Wanna go? I hear it is open until 9 p.m. on Friday and Saturday, and that they have some good bands lined up at 7 every night.” This places the focus on the activity itself, and avoids any awkwardness.

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to avoid awkwardness is to ask someone to get a cup of coffee, or plan to go out for drinks and invite a group of friends. Shoot for four or six friends and try to plan your get-together a few hours in advance. This way, there is no pressure for you and your new friend to make conversation the entire time.

Stages of Friendship

Now that you have an idea of how to talk to potential friends and how to invite them on outings, you only need to think about what happens next. You obviously do not progress to from being acquaintances to actual friends overnight. Like any other kind of relationship, a friendship progresses in stages. Paul Mongeau and Mary Lynn Miller Hennigsen studied these stages in 2008.

The initial stage of meeting is known as role-limited interaction, and it is the kind of relationship you have with most people around you whom you interact with on a daily basis. If you like a morning cup of coffee from a coffee shop, you may be familiar with the barista who regularly prepares your half-caf double latte, but beyond her name and appearance, she is a blank to you. In this stage, you disclose the least amount of personal information, and you rarely deviate from the accepted societal rules. Here is where stereotypes can have the most power, as you reach into the depths of your experience with other people of a similar type to figure out how to act.

At the next stage, friendly relations, you get the chance to talk with people. In the previous example, this is where you may have had the chance to talk to the barista at the coffee shop a little more than simply placing your order. She may remark that you always get the same kind of coffee, and you may then tell her why you get the coffee you get. If the barista says something back, it signals an interest in getting to know you as a person, not just a faceless customer. This is also the stage where the friend-making conversation techniques will be at their most powerful, as you and your prospective friend are trying to figure each other out.

As you both try to figure each other out, you are moving toward friendship, or casual friends. This is where you both start to get to know each other outside of your previously established social contexts. You might ask the barista if she would like to continue the conversation you two had about baseball when you were buying your latte at this stage, or you might run into each other on the street and start talking. Here you give out one or two pieces of personal information, but the notable part of passing to a casual friendship stage is that you give out some signal that says you want to be friends. Some friendships plateau here, without ever getting deeper. You probably know a few people that you are on good terms with when a bunch of friends meet, people who you think are generally all right, but your conversation rarely goes beyond making small talk.

When you and your friend hit the nascent friendship stage, you finally start referring to each other as friends. This is where you start to work out, very informally, the terms of your friendship. You and your friend may decide to spend Saturday afternoons playing one-on-one basketball, and your friendship goes no further than that. On the other hand, you and your friend might end up agreeing to do a wider range of things. You might get together throughout the week and cook, or you might establish a friendship where one of you can call the other for a range of activities. At this point, you start to open up and share more personal information because you trust the other person’s discretion, compassion, and understanding.

The final stage of a friendship is the stabilized friendship. This is the point at which you consider your friendship to be an ongoing state, rather than just existing when the two of you get together. A friendship at this stage contains a very high mutual level of trust, with both of you assuming that each will be there for the other. This high level of trust also translates into a very deep level of personal disclosure. Friends whose friendship has stabilized are likely to know as much about the other as family members do. At this stage, friendships are also blended into your social structure. You introduce your friends to other friends, deepen your friendships in the same social group, and as such, you may find yourself in the position of being around multiple people with whom you have sustained friendships.

Unfortunately, there is another stage to this level of friendships that happens when friends lose touch with each other. This is known as waning friendships, and it can happen when friends no longer keep in touch with each other. This can be because the friends no longer feel that they are getting anything out of this relationship, or that their friendship has stopped being exciting and instead becomes dreary or commonplace. Friendships can also wane if one of the friends moves away. According to a study conducted by Elissa Schappell in 2005, most friendships end by fading gradually rather than a sudden cut-off point. Despite that, there is one other way in which friendships can come to a sudden stop — through betrayal. Betraying someone’s trust or repeatedly doing something that annoys the other person, such as constantly showing up severely late to activities or constantly letting the other friend down, damages the friendship.

When a friendship is damaged or starts to wane, both friends have to rethink how much they can trust the other. The conversation between the two becomes less trusting and more strategic, almost like a psychological chess game, as both friends figure out how much they are trusted and what information they feel comfortable sharing. Boundaries and rules must be re-established. Friendships that are waning or damaged can be built back up and fixed, but both parties have to be committed to putting in the extra time and effort.

WHAT FRIENDSHIPS MEAN AROUND THE WORLD

If you happen to make friends with a person from another culture, you should be aware of what your friendship means. In Japan, you may either be a casual friend or a personal one. Casual friends have friendships based on proximity and convenience, such as neighbors in an apartment building or coworkers. These kinds of friendships are common to what American culture calls a “hi” friend. In contrast, an actual friendship is extremely dedicated. Once you make a friend, you can expect to keep her for life. Perhaps as a way of trading off benefits, Japanese tend to have a smaller number of true friends than do people in the United States. Japanese friendships are also mostly between same genders.

Thailand takes an absolute view of friendships, compared to people in the United States. These types of friendships are all-or-nothing, where you either completely approve of your friend, or there is no friendship. As a result, Thai friends are very accepting of each other.

In Europe, Spaniards rely on their friends more for emotional support than they do for their families. Spaniards’ self-esteem is also correlated to how many friends they possess. Among the French, though, insults are swapped back and forth between friends to demonstrate closeness. The French also have no problem with yelling and complaining at their friends, and most of the time, it is understood that there are no hard feelings behind the words.

Tips for Positive Communication Between Friends

Talking with friends is not always easy. Just like any two other people talking, you and your friends are prone to communication breakdowns. Following these two tips, though, will help to reduce any misunderstandings and hard feelings between friends.

Value your friend

The first tip is simply to value your friend. Stay focused on the positive qualities she brings to your friendship, and try to ignore the smaller irritations. If your friend is a good listener and excellent confidant, for instance, does it matter that she is constantly seven minutes late to any meeting? Everyone has flaws, so try to overlook your friend’s minor negative traits. She is likely doing the same for you.

Valuing your friend also means giving her the benefit of the doubt. If, for example, you pour out your heart to your friend when you have a problem, and she starts telling you the character flaws you have that led to your problems, do not assume that she is using this opportunity to put you down. While she may be guilty of giving the wrong advice at the wrong time, she probably still is genuinely trying to help. If you have some doubt as to why she is behaving the way she is, you should simply ask her. That way, she can explain the reasoning behind her behavior, and help you to better appreciate her reaction. It can also help you decide if you want to confide in your friend again. Appreciate the differences. Part of the joy of friendship is becoming open to new cultures and new experiences. If you love to watch football, and your friend thinks spectator sports are mindless trip, make sure this difference does not come between you and your friend.

Be honest with your friend

Of course, sometimes your problems are indeed your fault, and another guideline for positive friend-to-friend communications is to be honest with your friends. Do not be brutally honest, but if your friend asks for your opinion, say what you think. If you lie to your friend to protect her feelings, you are damaging the friendship, even more than if your friend does not like what you have to say. This damage can come when your friend realizes you lied to protect her feelings — or worse, she realizes you lied to protect her feelings when the truth would have saved her from embarrassment. The key to being honest is that you want the best for your friends’ welfare, even if he or she may not appreciate it at the time.

Over time, you may find yourself appreciating one or two of your friends more and more, particularly if you also find him or her attractive. If that happens, then go to the next chapter, which covers romantic conversations.

Table of Contents

Chapter 10

The Art of Romantic Conversations

Romance relies on communication just as much as friendship does. In fact, romantic relationships build on the blocks formed during friendly relationships, so having conversations with friends is quite similar to conversations you have with your boyfriend or girlfriend. However, romantic conversations go into areas in which friendships usually do not, such as discussing trust and intimacy.

The Building Blocks of a Romantic Relationship

Most romantic relationships begin the same way that friendly relationships do. People in close proximity to each other form bonds over time and progress from casual acquaintances to nascent friends, and then stabilized friends. A romantic relationship, though, has three aspects working together that are not found in other kinds of relationships. These aspects mix together in different ways and create what are known as love styles, or ways that people express their love for one another.

The first aspect of a relationship is passion. A passionate relationship does not necessarily involve sexual passion, although that can play a part. Passion is instead an intense desire for and very positive feelings regarding the other person. It generates the emotional high you get when you fall in love with someone. Passion is responsible for the sparks in a relationship, as well as the emotional highs you get from being in love. However, passion is inconstant. Passion ebbs and flows, and as a result, a relationship built on passion alone cannot last.

Commitment is a second aspect of the relationship, and it is the counterpart to passion. While passion is a subconscious emotional decision that can come and go of its own free will, commitment is a conscious choice. Mostly, a decision to commit is based on the rewards that continuing a relationship offer. The most common symbol of commitment is found in marriages, particularly during the vows of “for better or for worse.” Among the rewards that committing to a relationship offers is the level of emotional support, the financial support, and the type of companionship the other person offers.

Underpinning both passion and commitment is intimacy. When you feel intimate in a relationship, you feel close to the other person, not to mention a strong personal connection. Intimacy and passion are very closely tied. When you feel passionate for someone, you also feel very strongly about him or her, which increases feelings of intimacy. This is why passionate encounters are sometimes mistakenly assumed to generate more intimacy. However, intimacy does not ebb and flow as wildly as passion does. Intimacy is ongoing, abiding. It is the feeling that romantic partners have for each other, even when they do not feel passionate. In addition, when you commit to a long-term relationship, you are consciously choosing to increase your intimacy with your partner.

Love styles

The importance that each of three dimensions of love plays in an individual’s perception of love varies. According to research performed by John Alan Lee in 1973 and 1988, people tend to express their love in one of three primary styles. Lee’s research also came up with secondary styles of how people express their love. These secondary styles are based on mixtures of the primary styles.

You may have heard of eros love. It is the most passionate kind of love, the type of love that can persuade you to ask out that cute person waiting in line behind you at the grocery store — it is intuitive and spontaneous. A person who expresses her love in the eros style falls in love with someone, and she falls hard. She expresses her love early on to her partner, and the intensity of their love transcends the physical aspects and can easily encompass spiritual and intellectual aspects of love.

A similar kind of primary love style is ludus love, the kind of love that is more like a game, seeing whether you can get someone to fall in love with you and enjoying the feeling of falling in love with someone else. However, a deeper connection is not the ultimate aim of ludic love. Instead, the fun is in the chase, of playing the field. Ludic lovers are also more romantic. In a study that will shock few, Clyde and Susan Hendrick discovered that men tend to express their love more ludically than women.

Women express their love more through the style of storge. Storgic love is the practical, sensible, four-door sedan in contrast to the exciting sports car that is erotic love. It is expressed gradually, and as opposed to the difficulties of erotic love, storgic love has a higher amount of stability and is more peaceful than eros love. This is perhaps the most common kind of love to come out of friendships, as storgic love surfaces through discovering you and your romantic partner have similar goals, enjoy similar things, and have similar values. Storgic love is not as intense as love in the eros style — but then again, storgic love will not suffer the crashing conflicts that eros love can bring.

Another love style that women express is the pragma style of love. This is the first of the secondary love styles, and is the result of mixing storgic love with ludic love. Pragmatic lovers may seem cold and calculating at first, since they have very clear stipulations about with whom they will fall in love. This type of love uses the storgic love’s sensibility and security, as well as the strategizing that ludic lovers use when playing the field. Pragmatic lovers believe that true, enduring love is the result of making sure partners are compatible before agreeing to fall in love. Pragmatic love is the foundation for many an arranged marriage.

The polar opposite of pragma love is mania love. Manic love is the kind of love style you will see in most teenagers, and it is a potent blending of eros and ludus styles. This love style is often fueled by low self-esteem, and a manic lover tends to be unsure if he is really loved. The eros style of loving drives him to extreme highs and lows, while the ludic part of this love style leads him to evaluate a partner’s love and commitment to him through various games or tests. A manic lover can feel so strongly about his relationship that he obsesses over it.

Finally, there is agape love, a love that is considered so pure that some people feel that it is unattainable. Agape love comes from two love styles — eros and storge — meaning that an agapic lover feels an intense passion toward his partner, and he feels this passion consistently. This kind of love is known for its selflessness and generosity. An agapic lover feels his best when his partner is happy, and he willingly ensures his partner is happy, even if his efforts are not returned. While purely agapic lovers are rare, most people who express their love display some level of agapic love to their partner.

Most people do not have one specific love style. Instead, they use a blend of both primary and secondary love styles. Someone might be pragmatic when initially selecting a romantic partner, and then be erotic throughout the relationship with a strong undercurrent of storgic stability. Also, love styles can change as people have relationships and as they learn from previous ones. Your love style can also be changed as a result of your partner’s love style. Just remember: Your love style is not good or bad. What matters is how your love style connects with your partner’s style.

CASANOVA AND CONVERSATION

Given how important a role conversation plays in our lives, the fact that one of the great lovers in history was also one of the great conversationalists should not be surprising. Few men or women can match the string of trysts, affairs, and girlfriends recorded by Giacomo Casanova, the historical figure. His memoirs chronicle affairs with about 120 women and hint at more that would have been too scandalous to record.

However, Casanova was not just another seductionist. He actually made friends with the women who ended up being his lovers. In his memoirs, he stated that “attentiveness and favors should be employed to soften a woman’s heart” and claimed that “without speech, the pleasure of love is diminished by at least two-thirds.” At another point in Casanova’s memoirs, he writes of the love affair that captivated him the most, “The joy which flooded my soul was far greater when I conversed with her during the day than when I held her in my arms at night.” Casanova in fact remained friends with several of his lovers, even after the affair was over, according to his memoirs.

As you can see, sharpening your conversation skills will provide you with a versatile and functional set of social tools. Regardless of how old you are or what your job is, being a good conversationalist will benefit you for the rest of your life. Granted, it will not help you to predict the winning lottery numbers, but it will help you to score a date with the cute gas station clerk.

Mingling With Singles

Now that you know about love styles (and maybe gained a clue or two about the way you express your love), you are ready to take on the singles scene in whatever part of the world you are in. You could be heading into the next hot nightclub, making your way through a trendy restaurant, sitting at an old-fashioned pub, or even going to a singles night at your local church or community hall.

When you go to a place to make new and potentially romantic connections, you are as vulnerable as you can be. According to conversation expert Debra Fine, no one really likes to admit she is specifically looking to connect with someone. Starting a conversation with someone is easier if you have an excuse, such as being at a convention or a networking event. Despite this, talking with another single person is no different than talking with anyone else. The basic conversation techniques still apply, and it is just a matter of tweaking them to fit the situation.

Making your entrance

When you go to a singles event, do not feel as though you need to come in talking the first moment you enter the door. Instead, before you come in, center yourself. Make sure you feel calm in whatever way works for you. Then, take one step through the door and, unless you are part of a line, stop and survey the situation. Be sure you continue to use relaxed, open body language. This will call attention to you, and also frame you as a self-confident person who is not afraid of attention. This will really set you apart from the crowd, and it may entice people to come up and talk with you instead of your having to make the first move.

After you have announced your presence, though, make an effort to blend in with the crowd. Do not feel as though you need to be the life of the party. Instead, just wander through the crowd, and if there is a bar, you might want to get yourself something to drink. As you are doing so, get a sense of what the gathering is like. Are people excited or laid back? Does the mood seem formal or informal? Are people happy or stoic? Let your mind make observations, and you can start turning those observations into icebreakers.

Impersonal icebreakers can be very effective at singles events. Making an innocent remark about the event can spur someone to give her opinion of what is going on, and from there, you can use a ritual open-ended question to start a conversation.

Sample observations you can use:

1. I don’t think I know anyone here. Do you?

2. Do you think making introductions at these places is awkward?

3. The food they serve here is really good. Do you think so?

4. I think everyone is really having a good time.

5. I like singles events better when they are informal. How about you?

6. I notice that there are many new fall fashions here.

7. I like these events more when you have to dress up a bit for them.

8. I used to come to events like these often, but now, I just do not seem to have the time.

9. The bartender makes a very good mixed drink.

Ritual questions for single folk

If by now you have not realized the vital importance of ritual questions in starting conversations, chances are you flipped to this section of the book on your first try. Know that ritual questions are questions that indicate to the other person that you are interested in her and would like to start a conversation. You should also know that there is almost an infinite variety of them.

The kind of ritual questions you want to focus on when talking with other singles are the kind of questions that establish a connection between you and the other person. Before going over to and talking to someone, observe him for a minute or two, but try not to stare. You do not want your first impression to be “Hey, that person who was staring at me for two minutes is coming over here! What is he going to do?” See if you can come up with something that connects you to him. If the other person is wearing a nice watch, tie, or suit, for instance, you can ask him where he got it. If the other person is female, you might ask about her dress or haircut. You can also use a ritual question that gives away something about yourself and encourages the other person to comment on it. You might mention that you nearly stayed at home because Iowa State University was playing against the University of Michigan in basketball that night, or say that you came to this event because you heard the organization has some pretty original outdoor activities planned.

Once you ask a ritual question, make sure you listen for the other person’s response. Focus your attention on what you are going to say in response to the other person. This will require you to actively listen. You should keep at least one follow-up question in mind in case the other person gives a closed answer, though. Alternatively, you can follow up by giving out another piece of information about yourself and letting the other person reply to that.

What follows is a sample conversation you might have with someone, using these techniques:

You: [Make an observation.] “I like this event; it’s very casual. It is a great change after spending most of the day in a suit and tie.”

Tracy: “I agree — letting your hair down is so nice after being in an office all day.”

You: [Make a connection.] “Exactly. I take it your office has a formal dress code, too?”

Tracy: “Not so much that it is formal, but you can’t wear jeans, and I like wearing jeans.”

You: [Make a comment on Tracy’s observation and disclose some information about yourself.] “Yeah, jeans are usually more comfortable than slacks. I like that wearing a tie is not required at this place.”

At this point, you could delve into the comfortable realm of discussing where she works and what she does. From there, you and Tracy can talk about rock climbing, where you both work, and other activities you like to do.

Flirting

When talking to someone who interests you romantically, you can flirt with him to signal your romantic interest subtly. While most people assume flirting to be done through conversation, nonverbal signals can also be flirting. Winking at someone can send the message that you are attracted to him. So can batting your eyelashes, although men might want to avoid that one. Casual touching is another big nonverbal flirting activity, most notably gently brushing your fingers against the other person’s arm. The more romantic flirters might want to write anonymous notes, or perhaps buy a small gift for the other person. Both actions are considered flirting.

In conversation, however, flirtation is almost indistinguishable from a really good conversation. Both flirting and regular excellent conversations are interesting and captivating. They leave both parties feeling good about the conversation, and leave the people looking forward to the next time they meet and are able to talk again. Flirting, though, involves more personal disclosure earlier in the conversation, as you are trying to let the other person know about you in order to spark his interest. Try to avoid starting with a deeply personal detail about your life. Mention something innocent, such as the fact that you like wine or that you know how to knit is a good start to letting the other person find out more about you. If he is interested in you, he will reciprocate by telling you a detail about himself. This is known as “reciprocal disclosure.”

Playfulness is also a large part of flirting. Feel free to use humor while flirting with the other person. However, the same restrictions about using humor in conversations also apply to using humor while flirting. A joke that falls flat can turn the conversation awkward, especially if it is an edgy or suggestive joke. To no one’s surprise, men are more likely than women to use inappropriate humor while flirting.

How to Ask Someone On a Date

So someone has come along whom you really connect with, and who captivates you. You have talked with her for a while, and now you want to make your move and ask her on a date.

For most of us, this is the point where the mouth-and-brain connection fails completely. You want to ask this other person on a date in a way that is meaningful yet casual, sincere yet suave, and above all, uses the right words so the other person will accept your offer — not to mention the small matter that you are putting your ego on the line and risking the fact that you will be turned down, perhaps publicly, which is embarrassing at best. With that kind of pressure riding on the phrasing of one request, it is no wonder that many times people get tongue-tied. The best that they can come up with is “Hey… want to go out on a date next Saturday?” The main problem with this way of asking someone out is that regardless of how much time you have spent talking to the other person, asking her out always seems to come out of the blue, without any lead up.

When asking someone out on a date, do not ask him if he wants to go out. For that matter, do not ask him what he is doing that Friday or Saturday night, unless you really have a fondness for hackneyed excuses. Instead, before you make the offer or call him on the phone, come up with some ideas about an activity this person might like to do. At this point, you may have realized that in order to come up with these activities, you should have actively listened to the person and kept at least a mental record of his likes, dislikes, personality, and hobbies. In other words, you need to use many of the skills that you use in making friends if you want the object of your affection to respond positively to your request for a date.

You can ask someone out by saying:

- “I heard there was a wine tasting event at [a local restaurant]. Would you like to join me?”

- “They’re introducing a new monster truck at the monster truck rally. Want to come along?”

- “I need someone to join me so I can see the new horror movie. Can you come?”

- “I’d feel self-conscious about going to a Renaissance fair alone. Do you have anything going on that weekend?”

- “I have two tickets to see the Iowa Hawkeyes play the Minnesota Gophers. Are you game?”

TIMING IT RIGHT

When you decide to ask someone on a date, there is the question of when you should do it. Some people immediately ask someone out on a date if the first meeting goes well.

Others like to wait until the second or third meeting. Some even like to wait a bit longer than that. In general, asking someone out after you have met him a couple of times is the best policy. This gives him a chance to know you better and develop some familiarity while there is still the excitement of meeting someone new. If you ask someone out on the first meeting, you are asking him to judge you as a romantic prospect in addition to judging you as a person. If you wait too long — say six meetings or longer — the excitement he feels will die down, leaving him less likely to see you as someone about whom he feels passionate.

However, you should not feel pressured to ask someone out if you are not ready. If you feel like you need more time to get to know someone, then by all means, do so. Sometimes, great relationships come out of people knowing each other for a while before realizing that there is some attraction.

If you are asked out

Congratulations! If someone has asked you on a date, he obviously thinks highly of you. Enjoy the ego rush primarily, then accept or decline as you see fit. Really, the only rule you need to follow is this: Empathize with the person who is asking you out. Do not lead him on, respond rudely, or act nonchalant. After all, the other person has taken a huge risk to confess his feelings to you. If you act nonchalant, the other person might get the impression that you either do not care about him or the conversation. Neither will do his ego any good.

Instead, try to be enthusiastic if you accept his offer. If you cannot be enthusiastic, then show your interest in the upcoming date. If you decide to decline, let him down gently. He will probably be embarrassed, so try to convey that you are flattered and do not feel awkward about being asked out, and that you might like to be friends anyway.

You may have noticed that this section sometimes presumes that men will be doing most of the asking out, and women will be the ones accepting or rejecting the offer. This is because in most of the world, men are still the ones who make the first move. Regardless, this advice applies no matter what gender you are. If you are a man who is asked on a date by a woman, though, you will definitely want to be gentle if you decline. While a woman asking a man out is becoming more common, a woman has to overcome not only the feeling of taking a huge risk and making herself vulnerable, but also bucking a social norm. To do that takes a lot of courage. If nothing else, respect that courage.

The Relationship Cycle

Much like friendship, relationships have their own cycle, where people go from being individuals to being an intimate couple. Individuality, the first stage, consists of being your own person. When you start to get into a romantic relationship, you enter into the second stage, that of individual communication. During this stage, two people show their interests in each other through asking questions about the other person and disclosing information about themselves. In fact, this is usually the level at which people act when making small talk. There is no deeper level to this communication than announcing you are interested in interacting with other people.

When you interact with someone who you are interested in romantically, you shift to the third stage of the relationship cycle, that of explorational communication. During this stage, your conversation seems similar to small talk, but the focus shifts slightly. Instead of being interested in interacting with someone, you instead look for commonalities. You also look for features between the both of you, such as hobbies, that give you reasons to continue interacting with each other. While you are asking questions the same way you would be at the individual communication stage, at the explorational communication questions start to become a little deeper. At the explorational stage, you also share information about yourself. It is entirely possible for two people to get to the explorational stage and decide not to advance to the next stage in the relationship. They may decide to remain friends, or they might choose to date casually for a while and then move on.

After the explorational stage, if two people decide to date, they may arrive at the intensifying communication stage. During this stage, most people think they are really in love. This phase is the phase you probably most associate love with, as people in this stage feel euphoric. At this stage, people stop defining their relationships in terms of dates and start simply spending time together. During this stage, partners disclose more personal information to each other. They talk about their hopes and dreams, and each person learns more about the mindset of the other. Romantic partners are also drawn to spend as much time together as possible, and in the process, much of the remaining mysteries about each partner are stripped away. Fortunately, during this stage, romantic partners tend to overlook each other’s faults, instead focusing on the wonderful qualities of the other person.

During this stage, each partner’s perspective expands to cover the partner. At this stage, the two of you develop your own personal language, or put emphasis on certain words that have a deeper meaning for the both of you. You may even develop nicknames for each other. A more significant aspect is referring to you and your partner as a couple, rather than as two individuals. Couples who reach this stage usually make the decision to be monogamous.

After the high of intensifying communications has worn off, couples may reach the stage of revising communications. At this point, couples acknowledge that the other is not perfect. They realize problems exist, and determine whether these problems can be worked through or not. It is worth noting that couples can go through this stage, solve their problems, and still not end up together. There are definitely times when you can fall in love with a person and remain in love with her, yet still realize that she is not a good choice for you in the long term.

The apex of the relationship cycle is intimate bonding and commitment. This is the “for better or for worse” stage of the relationship, during which both people make the decision to remain with each other. This may be the basis of a marriage, or it may simply be a long-term relationship. Either way, the relationship becomes an accepted part of the couple’s lives. At this point, all couples establish a subculture that is exclusive to their relationship. They establish rules, assign jobs, and define things such as personal space and how much time is spent together. Some couples may want to be together all the time, while others are comfortable only seeing their counterpart just once each day. Some couples have rigidly defined roles, while other couples switch back and forth as needed. These subcultures also set guidelines for how to handle different situations. How they handle anger, stress, surprise, tragedy, and good fortune will set them apart from numerous other relationships.

RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK

This description of a relationship cycle will not equally apply to everyone. People skip back and forth between the stages, and some may cycle back and forth between the relationship cycle and the relationship death cycle. An erotic lover, for instance, may plunge into the intensifying communication stage and plunge into the dyadic process of the death cycle, only to work out the issues and arrive back at the euphoria of the intensifying communication stage. In marriages, couples may have a period when they cycle through revising communication, enter into the dyadic process, and enter into the intensifying communication stage once those problems are resolved — only to later enter into the same cycle again when other issues come to light. In between, they may progress to the level of intimate bonding, skipping over the revising communication stage from the intensifying communication stage.

The death cycle of relationships

Unfortunately, relationships also have their own death cycle. While friendships may gradually wane, the emotional time and investment put into a romantic relationship means there is also a process of falling out of love. Researchers Steve Duck and Julia Wood studied this process in 2006 and 2007.

This falling out of love starts with the intrapsychic processes. This is where either party, or sometimes both, become aware of the problems of the relationship. During this phase, focusing on negative parts of the relationship can lead to more negative thoughts about the relationship. In time, this may color the person’s outlook of the relationship. It is also at this point when people start to consider other relationships they could be having.

If a couple does not take care to solve these problems in the relationship, the whole relationship subculture starts to deteriorate as the relationship descends into the dyadic processes. Couples start to neglect areas of their relationship they once maintained, areas that usually involve communication. This can be especially detrimental to women, who become less happy with a relationship the more the communication in the relationship deteriorates. The dyadic process also affects men, since men usually become unhappy in a relationship when treasured routines and behaviors go away. At the dyadic process, problems with the relationship are usually addressed, although not always, according to further research conducted by Steve Duck. At this point, the relationship can be saved if the people involved are not only willing to talk about the rough spots in their relationship, but if they are committed enough to save the relationship — and if they possess the ability to communicate well enough with each other. If the relationship cannot be saved, the relationship fails, and each partner must now deal with the final stages on his or her own.

The social support stage is where each person in a relationship turns to other people for support. People look to their relatives, mostly immediate family, or their friends. At this stage of the relationship breakdown, each person in the former relationship desires and perhaps even needs sympathy and support from other people. Someone in the relationship may also want to avoid embarrassment. As a result, each member of the former relationship portrays him or herself in the best possible light. They may also give less-than-flattering accounts of their exes. This kind of behavior may come back to haunt them in the future, and some good advice for any breakup is not to let your emotions get the better of you when talking about your former relationship.

This stage can be wearisome for mutual friends of the former couple, as the friends feel pressured to choose between one person and the other. Often, this results in the loss of a friend. This is especially true when relationships between married couples end.

After some time, each couple may finally be ready for the second-to-last phase in the death of the relationship. The grave-dressing process is named because at this point, people bury the relationship and start to accept its loss. Mourning is common at this point, and almost everyone becomes introspective to some degree, pondering the wonderful parts of the relationship and perhaps even imagining what might have been. This kind of reflection is actually healthy, provided it does not last so long that people start to dwell on it. According to studies conducted by James Honeycutt in 2003 and Colleen Saffrey and Marion Ehrenberg in 2007, extensive reflection and wondering about “what might have been” is more likely to cause someone to become depressed and in general deal with the break-up less positively than if that person only reflects on the former relationship for a little while and then moves on with his or her life.

The final part of the relationship death cycle is actually a happy one. It is the resurrection process, where people get to the point of being able to move on with their lives. After the mourning is done, each person in the relationship can look at him or herself as single again. They begin to reorganize their lives to compensate for the loss of the ex-partner, and they start to do things as a single person, hopefully looking for someone else with whom to establish a romantic connection.

How to Have a Healthy Break-Up

Even if breaking up is the right thing to do, it is rarely easy. Here are some tips that may help you get through your break up, no matter what side you are on.

Remember that you can cry.

Even if you think of yourself as tough, the emotional pain you are going through can bring anyone to tears. You might also want to contact a friend or family member to offer you a literal shoulder on which to cry. If they are your friends, they will understand. You need accept that it is fine to feel bad about the dissolution of your relationship.

If you are the person who initiated the break-up, keep to your decision.

You are going to feel some regret as you consider the good times you had in the relationship, and perhaps wonder whether the bad times were as bad as you thought. Do not give in to this. You wanted to get out of the relationship for a reason, and whatever the reason was, it was important enough for you to break off the relationship. You want to move forward instead of wallowing in the past.

Do not contact your ex.

Keep your distance from him or her as you try to sort out how you feel. If you keep contact with your ex, you are going to keep reopening the same emotional wound. Even if you and your ex have decided to still be friends, you need to wait until you can talk to your ex as a friend, without having any ulterior motives. This is especially true if you want her to get back together with you. By keeping your space, you get to focus on yourself as an individual and start to heal.

Find new things to do.

Now is the time to take that art class you have been thinking about, or try to make your way through War and Peace finally. Maybe you can enroll in a tae kwon do class or join a hockey team. Being depressed makes you want to sit around and mope, but resist the urge. The more you are active, the more things you will find to fill the emotional hole your ex left.

Talk to other people.

Try not to wear out your friends and family, but do not keep your feelings to yourself. Talk to other people and get those feelings off your chest. However, you will want to watch what you say, especially if you have mutual friends. You can talk about how you feel the relationship was not working, but do not distort your ex. Be as honest as possible.

Be optimistic.

Do not give in to the negative feelings you experience during a break-up. Instead of dwelling on the past relationship, look forward to the next one. If you alter the way you think, you can change the way you feel, which will in turn change the way you act. When you finally feel optimistic, you can free yourself to accomplish new goals, try new things, and start to live life to its fullest again.

Conflict in Romantic Relationships

In a romantic relationship, some conflict is bound to happen. The better you are at handling conflict, the smoother your relationship will be. When you and your romantic partner begin to argue with each other, use these techniques to help you handle relationship conflict in a constructive manner.

Before the discussion:

- Be sure both people have had enough time to calm down. Talking about the conflict when you are upset or angry can result in destructive communication, not to mention serious regret afterward.

- Make sure your significant other is ready to discuss the problem with you. If your significant other does not want to talk, no constructive communication can arise.

- After you have scheduled a time for the discussion to occur, know your goal. While it might be nice to win the argument, you do not want your partner to feel as though she has lost.

- Find out what your partner’s goal is.

- Plan to discuss the conflict in a private place.

- Plan to have enough time to properly discuss the conflict, since it is hard to give your full attention to something when you have an impending deadline or appointment.

During the discussion:

- Frame the discussion in such a way that each person gains something. Think about what you want to get out of the discussion, and think how your partner can benefit from it as well. For instance, if you want your partner to be more punctual, you can frame you goal by saying, “I really wish you would not be late for our dates. The more late you are, the less time we can spend together. It also seems to stress out both of us. Is there some way we can work to increase your punctuality and decrease the stress in both of our lives?”

- Listen to what your partner says. At first, do not try to launch a counterargument. Understand her point of view, and be sure to convey that you are listening to what she is saying.

- Calmly paraphrasing her arguments is one of the best ways to let her know you are listening, and it is also a great way to force yourself to process your partner’s statements. Be sure to keep your tone non-condescending and non-judgmental.

When you get a chance to talk, make sure you use words that show you value the other person and that you want to cooperate with him. For instance, you can say, “I think we should…” or “You have a good point.” You should also use “I” statements to convey how you feel instead of blame-placing “you” statements. Instead of saying “You do not respect me when you make me wait for a long time,” say, “I feel that you do not respect my time when you are late and I have gone to the effort of being on time.”

Resolve the conflict:

- Value everyone involved in the conflict and their points of contention. This not only includes you and your partner, but the relationship itself.

- In order to manage the conflict so it can be constructive, you might need to validate how your partner feels. If you find out what is causing her to be late, you can come up with a solution that will not make her feel insulted, and make you feel as though you have made your feelings known.

- The way you handle this conflict will ultimately strengthen the relationship, as the both of you set new parameters and learn more about each other. Perhaps you agree to give her a 20-minute warning call on her cell phone, or maybe she agrees to call you a half-hour before you are scheduled to meet. Ultimately, the best conclusion is where you both feel respected.

What to avoid

If you do not value or understand your partner’s point of view, it can lead to a bad outcome. You may slip into a “win-lose” scenario, where you want to win the conflict. In this case, it would be forcing her to be punctual by harping on her perceived immaturity and irresponsibility, followed up by threats of doing things by yourself and not inviting her if she is going to be late. Eventually, you might win the conflict and get your partner to be punctual, but she will be very aware she has lost the conflict. Not only that, but the relationship has changed. You have established yourself as the more dominant force in this conflict, and you have shown your partner that you see your views as paramount. This is fine — so long as your partner does not have the same view.

If she feels as strongly about the issue as you do, the scenario can deteriorate into lose-lose. In this scenario, both of you walk away unsatisfied. The issue is unlikely to be resolved, and even if it is, the relationship itself is damaged, as neither of you walk away feeling as though your opinions matter much to the other person.

Gracefulness is another important part of valuing all aspects of the relationship. You need to show grace after conflicts, especially when you are in the right. If your partner admits he was in the wrong and wants to work with you to correct his behavior or fix his mistakes, work with him and put the incident behind you. For instance, if you have had a conflict with your partner about his not cleaning the kitchen after every meal, and he agrees this is a problem, do not harp on his previous failure by saying something like, “Now, remember, we need to clean the kitchen after dinner,” or “Do I need to remind you to clean the kitchen?” If you are going to say anything at all, you might say, “Hey, let’s clean the kitchen and then watch TV,” or “Need some help cleaning the kitchen?” If you really want to be graceful, you might even clean the kitchen by yourself if he forgets. Displaying thoughtfulness and forgiveness can go a long way in showing your commitment to a relationship, and in this scenario, your partner is likely to be touched by the gesture. Just remember that grace is not always appropriate. You do not want your partner taking advantage of you, after all.

WHAT TO DO IF A RELATIONSHIP TURNS VIOLENT

Get out, immediately. If a relationship turns violent, the odds of it becoming non-violent again with no outside help are very low. In fact, the cycle of abuse is depressingly predictable. The abuser hurts the victim, then feels guilt over his actions. He asks for forgiveness, the victim grants it, and the two have a “honeymoon” period of reconciliation. This lasts until the abuser becomes stressed again, and his inner tension builds up until it explodes into violence again, which begins the cycle anew. Victims should not assume that just because the abuser feels guilty about his actions, the relationship will get better.

According to the latest data gathered by Erin Marcus in 2008, 511,000 women and 105,000 men were victims of domestic violence — enough people to fill a medium-sized city. Need more incentive to get out of an abusive relationship?

Every 12 seconds, a woman is beaten by her significant other, and ten women a day die from domestic violence. Remember, once a relationship turns violent, the time for talk is over, and the time for leaving is immediately. Abuse is not an acceptable form of communication. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence advocates this sentiment, and you can learn more at the Web site www.ncadv.org.

Table of Contents

Chapter 11

Conversations Online

In some ways, the Internet has been a huge boon to communication. Consider that you can communicate with anyone in the world who has an Internet connection and a desire to talk. In fact, with the advent of Voice Over Internet Protocol (VOIP) technology and Web cameras, you can literally hold a conversation with anyone, anywhere.

The biggest advantage of the Internet is that it allows shy people the chance to come out of their shells a bit. Although marching up to a group of strangers can be intimidating in real life, going to a message board, signing up, and posting a topic can be far less threatening. This is good training for having an actual conversation. The inventions of social networking sites such as Twitter (www.twitter.com), Facebook (www.facebook.com), MySpace (www.myspace.com), and LinkedIn (www.linkedin.com) not only give people a way to talk online, but they give friends a million more topics to discuss face-to-face. Friends and coworkers can talk about recent photos posted online, a recent “tweet” made by a celebrity or friend, or the pros and cons of a new site’s features. These Web sites can be a catalyst for social interaction on the Internet as well as off.

Although the Internet can be advantageous, everyone should practice good safety measures when online. Anonymity combined with the ability to reach a mass audience seems to bring out the worst in some people. The Internet is an excellent place to be someone else. You can be reasonably certain — but you may never really know for sure — if the man or woman to whom you are talking is exactly who they claim to be.

ARE YOU SURE YOU GAVE ME THE RIGHT LINK?

In this chapter, you will find links to various Web sites.

Before you break out in a cold sweat, remember — these links are short. You should have no trouble typing them in. However, be aware that the Internet is not a static place. Servers can go down, companies can go out of business, and people can simply lose interest in a Web site until it dies from neglect. What this means is that, even though the links provided are to sites that should be stable and permanent, there is no guarantee that they will remain there forever. If you happen to come upon a link that does not work, you might want to use an Internet search engine, such as Google, that will try to locate a more current link.

The Limits of Techno Communication

Before you get too excited about talking to people online, you need to know that it does have some limitations. When you talk to someone by telephone, e-mail, phone text messaging, or any of the myriad ways in which you can communicate using new technology, you should be aware these methods have more limits on the amount of information that can be passed between people than face-to-face conversation.

Consider when you are talking to someone on the telephone. The person receiving the call cannot look you in the eyes, nor can they tell your posture. You have to communicate everything through your voice alone. As you are no doubt aware, you can get the message through most of the time, but think about all the non-verbal communication that you are losing. At the very least, you cannot use any hand gestures. Nor can you use facial expressions, except to form words. If you are considering making a teasing or sarcastic remark, you had better hope that your voice is expressive enough for the other person to get the message.

When you are using e-mail or sending text messages, you limit yourself to your choice of words and grouping of paragraphs. While an emoticon can get across some of the emotional impact of your words, it can only imply so much. This is not an argument against ever using e-mail. After all, e-mail is the successor to old-fashioned letter writing, and text messaging is the successor to e-mail. Every other kind of communication outside of face-to-face talking is limited by the medium of that communication. Talking in person, though, is almost always appropriate, and you have a better chance at delivering the message you wanted to get across when you do.

Does the Internet Help or Hurt Communication?

The development of the Internet in the mid-1990s prompted immense changes in communication. Behavioral scientists have questioned the consequences of using technical devices to communicate. Several published articles have concluded that one’s ability to talk face-to-face atrophies the more he or she communicates with other people online. Other articles have been published that refute those claims.

On one hand, researchers argue that Americans spend too much time on the Internet and use it as a crutch for our conversational shortcomings. Also, the time people spend online is time not spent talking to people face-to-face. Furthermore, behavioral researchers argue that sending instant messages to other people, especially people whom have never met you in person, is a poor substitute for actual conversation.

The other side, however, contends that the Internet is not a substitute for face-to-face communication. Instead, the Internet actually widens our social circle, introducing us to people from all over the world. For the first time in history, a person sitting at her computer in Boise, Idaho, can chat with someone in England, Canada, Australia, or Japan. To suggest that the Internet cripples people’s ability to communicate with one another is disingenuous.

So who is right in this argument? Each side has a valid point. Although several studies prove that excessive usage of the Internet does lead to a deterioration of interpersonal communications skills, society does not seem to have devolved as spending time online has become more popular, either. There is no denying, however, that if you are scared of going up to a stranger and starting a conversation, sitting in front of your computer and talking to a stranger is a very attractive substitute. You have some time to formulate your responses before you share them with the other person; you do not need to worry about how you are dressed; and you also do not need to worry whether you are good-looking or not. If you feel less than confident about how other people see you, the Internet provides an easy way to get around your fears, which can lead to neglecting the real world entirely. On the other hand, several long-distance acquaintances have deepened into professional friendships due connecting through the Internet, and social networking sites such as LinkedIn have created thousands of networking opportunities that would not have been possible before the creation of the Internet.

As with most debates, the real answer is more a matter of what works for you. However, if your idea of an exciting weekend is logging into World of Warcraft or some other massive multiplayer online role-playing game and playing until the sun sets, you might want to think about shutting off the computer and spending a few hours outdoors in the company of actual people.

How to get Involved in an Online Conversation

Giving tips on how to get involved in an online conversation is almost unnecessary. If you want to get involved in an online conversation or a message board, the answer is simply to post something — usually replying to a point someone else made — and then wait for someone to reply. Unlike real life, people are usually very eager to leap into a conversation with someone else online.

The two most popular ways to get involved in a conversation online are through chat rooms — in which a number of people interact with each other, typing messages back and forth in real time — and message boards, where people write a message, post it to the message board, and anyone who reads your post can comment on it. Both methods usually require you to sign up with the Web site that is hosting the chat room or message boards before you can join in the conversation.

Finding chat rooms and message boards is pretty easy. A quick Internet search will reveal several potential message boards and chat rooms that match your interests. In addition, you can narrow down your search by typing in a few descriptors as part of your search terms. If you like knitting, for instance, you can type in “knitting chat rooms,” “knitting message boards,” or “knitting needle message boards.” You can get as specific as you like. You may also want to go to some company Web sites, such as television networks or magazine Web sites, such as CBS or Newsweek. These sites usually have their own communities set up. The communities usually include message boards, also known as “forums,” chat rooms or both.

The nice thing about message boards and chat rooms is that there is something for everyone. No matter what your interest and how esoteric you think it may be, the odds are that a group has that same interest. You can find message boards for any interest, from goat herding to extreme ironing. Try it for yourself and see.

Three great places to go to find Internet chat rooms

Yahoo! — http://chat.yahoo.com

AIM Chat — http://chat.aim.com

All Chat Sites — www.allchatsites.com

Note: All these sites contain a directory of chat rooms. While plenty of family-friendly chat rooms are available on these directories, you may stumble across some not-safe-for-work chat rooms, or see a chat room dedicated to a topic you might be happier not knowing about. Exercise your best judgment, and remember that you do not have to go into any chat room you do not want to.

Five sample message boards

Yahoo! Groups — http://groups.yahoo.com

A great resource to find message boards about any topic. If you do not see what you are looking for, you can create your own group.

ESPN Message boards —http://boards.espn.go.com

If you are looking to discuss sports, this is the place

Cosmopolitan’s Message boards — www.cosmopolitan.com/community

Like what you read in the last issue of Cosmo? Talk about it here.

Kiplinger’s Message boards — http://forums.kiplinger.com

Where you can discuss investing and other items of interest to the finance enthusiasts.

Television Without Pity’s Message boards — http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com

Perhaps the best place on the Internet to talk about your favorite TV shows.

SOCIAL NETWORKING AND COMMUNICATION

One of the reasons for the popularity of social networking Web sites such as Facebook and MySpace is that they integrate several Internet forms of communication into one convenient spot on the Internet. Both Facebook and MySpace offer their users photo albums, space for a Web journal or note-taking feature, one-on-one chat rooms, and customized message boards that let the users make posts about what they are doing and what their online friends are doing. These sites also let you know when someone wants to join your network on the site, and they give you the ability to accept or deny the offer of friendship as you see fit. Both sites even have a limited message system so you can send messages to your network of friends.

Although these sites are extremely popular and a great way to keep up with people you know in real life, in addition to meet new people online, you do not have to learn any new skills in online communication in order to use these sites.

How to navigate the web of Internet conversations

Before you begin to participate in an Internet conversation, you will want to visit the site first, called “lurking.” In Internet-speak, lurking is defined as visiting the chat room or message board but not participating in the conversation. This is the best way to get to know the community you want to join and study its mannerisms. Find out if the conversation is formal or informal, whether the administrators keep an eye out for troublemakers, and how “mature” the conversations may become in terms of content and language. Above all, make sure you will be comfortable jumping into the conversation if you get the chance. If the chat room or message board has a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) area, read that to become comfortable with the site. You will make the administrators and veteran members extremely happy if you do this, since you will come in knowing the answers to questions they have probably been asked several times.

When you are ready to begin, do not be shy. Log on and announce your presence. When you join a message board, Internet etiquette, also known as “netiquette,” states you should compose a post that tells people a little about yourself and why you wanted to join the message board’s community. If you log into a chat room, your introductory post can be much simpler. A quick “Hello, how is everyone?” will be enough to alert other members of the chat that you are on and willing to converse. Once you have announced your presence, you can look at any of the conversation threads and comment on them.

Wait, what is “netiquette”?

“Netiquette” is a shorthand way of saying “Internet etiquette.” The concept is basically akin to having good manners while on the Internet. The concept was created during the early days of the Internet on Usenet, one of the earliest examples of Internet forums. While the finer points of netiquette vary depending on the group of people to whom you are talking, there are a few broad points on which everyone agrees:

- Do not post the same message more than once (multi-posting).

- Do not post a message to several different forums (cross-posting).

- Avoid posting a message that has a different topic than the rest of the conversation (off-topic posting).

- Do not “hijack” a discussion thread by manipulating the conversation toward a different topic.

- No posting of a message that is promoting or selling something (spam).

- No insults (“flaming”) or trading insults and derogatory posts with others (getting into a “flamewar”).

Unfortunately, netiquette is a dying concept, as during the 1990s the number of Internet users grew exponentially, most exploring the World Wide Web with no idea of netiquette.

While you are “talking” online, always remember that the other posters or chatters are all real people, and treat them accordingly. Do not bring up topics that would normally be off-limits in real-life conversations, such as the other person’s salary or whether he has been arrested. Instead, treat him as you would an actual friend that you are meeting for the first time, and let your personality shine through in your choice of words and the subjects about which you choose to talk. You can demonstrate your sense of humor through online conversation, and you can use emotion-denoting characters called “emoticons” to make your point. Here are a list of the more common emoticons (view them sideways to see the “faces”):

Emoticon

What it means

:)

Happy

;)

Teasing or winking

:P

Tongue sticking out

:D

Smiling or grinning

:\

Grimacing. Usually used to show feeling bad without being sad

:(

Frowning. Usually used to show sadness

>:)

Smiling evilly

Once you have gotten into a conversation, the usual rules apply. Be attentive, actively listen to (or read, in this case) what the other people are saying, and comment on their responses. Even the rules of leaving an online conversation are similar to how you would leave a real-life group conversation. When you are ready to leave a chat room discussion, post a general thank-you to the people online. Just say “Well, I need to leave. Thanks for a great conversation.” You can log out right after that, although you might want to stick around if anyone wants to further say goodbye to you.

What not to say online

One area where Internet conversation differs from real-life conversations is in how much personal information you should divulge. You can feel free to give out your first name, the state in which you live (or city, if you live near a metropolitan area), and your age. If you have a gender-neutral first name, you might want to state whether you are male or female to avoid any awkwardness later on. In chat rooms, this is usually asked with the phrase “A/S/L?” which is short for “Can I have your Age/Sex/Location?” However, you should be warned that anyone who immediately posts “A/S/L?” when you enter a conversation is doing the Internet equivalent of asking for your phone number in a bar. If you happen to answer that question by mentioning you are female, be prepared for a lot of attention and possibly some none-too-subtle advances.

Other than those few tidbits, do not reveal any personal information to someone who asks online unless you already know the person well in real life. The other person you are talking to may use this information to stalk you or steal your identity. Even after you have gotten to know someone online, do not give out any personal information until both of you have met in real life.

At the risk of being alarmist, giving out too much information about yourself online is dangerous. At a minimum, you might suffer identity theft, where someone pretends to be you in order to obtain money in your name. This usually means that you will be charged thousands of dollars for credit card purchases you did not make, with credit cards for which you did not apply. And the very worst thing that could happen to you is giving a robber, kidnapper, or serial killer information about where you live and the best time to strike.

Types of information you should not reveal online

- Address

- Your school

- Your bank

- Credit card numbers

- Social security number

BEWARE OF THE 419 SCAM

So, you have received an e-mail from someone living in the United Kingdom, or maybe India or somewhere in Africa. It is from a barrister or deposed prince, and they are pleased to announce that you are a long-lost relative of a multimillionaire, or that the prince needs some help transferring his millions of dollars out of Africa. All you need to do in order to claim your inheritance or get a hefty “finders fee” is set up a bank account, or better yet, just give them your bank account number, and the money will be transferred swiftly to you. For added sincerity, the letter is usually signed “Your Brother in Christ.”

These e-mail scams have become so ubiquitous that they are practically a cliché, and yet they keep on coming to your e-mail inbox. The reason is that people continue to fall for these scams all the time. A rough estimate of the amount of money lost annually in the United States to these scammers is around $15 million, according to the Federal Internet Crime Complaint Center. There are likely more, as a lot of people are too embarrassed to admit they were swindled. These scams are known colloquially as “419 scams.” The 419 is the section of the Nigerian Penal Code that corresponds to these scams, which is where most of these e-mails originate. If you happen to get an e-mail similar to this, do not reply. Delete it.

Unfortunately, the law in Nigeria is not exactly efficient at catching these scammers, but a crop of vigilantes has arisen that enjoys scamming the scammers. You can read about their exploits at www.419eater.com.

Instant messaging

Instant messengers, such as the ones supplied by Yahoo!, AIM, and MSN, provide software that allow you to chat one-on-one with someone the same way in which you would in a group chat room. Mostly, you use the same techniques you would use in a real-life conversation. While these conversations can often be deeper and more emotionally open than the group talk that goes on in a chat room, you must still remember never to divulge any personal information until after you have become friends in real life If you do not want to download the instant messaging software, many chat rooms have a “private chat” feature that you can use to chat one-on-one with people, which is similar to instant messaging software.

Moving off the screen

If you and a person you met online decide to meet in real life, both congratulations and cautions are in order. While you may be enthusiastic about meeting someone from the Internet, you also need to be careful. Like it or not, the Internet has its share of criminals, and being incautious when meeting someone you met online can lead to disaster. Remembering some basic safety tips can save you from being defrauded, kidnapped, or worse.

First, exchange pictures online so you know what he or she looks like. If your friend gives you a photo that looks like it has been taken professionally, or that looks like better suited to a model’s portfolio, be suspicious. If your online friend sends you an amateur photo instead, you can be a little more assured that the picture is authentic.

Second, agree to meet in a public place, such as a coffee house, a restaurant, or in the middle of a mall — anywhere many people are around. If your online friend happens to be a robber or a kidnapper, she will not be able to do anything as long as there are people around watching her. Before you meet, agree on a sign for each other. Tell your online friend what you will be wearing, and ask her to do the same. You might want to wear something that makes you stand out, such as a certain baseball cap or a brightly colored dress.

When your friend arrives, enjoy yourself. However, do not accept any invitation to go off somewhere private. This includes going back to her house or to yours. In fact, when the meeting is over, agree to go your separate ways. If your online friend was very insistent about going someplace out of the way, you may want to head to another public area for a while, just to be on the safe side. As you learn more about your online friend, you may start to see her as a friend in real life, and you can start to trust her more.

Tips for sending e-mail

If e-mail has not replaced the telephone as the favored method of communication in businesses, it is getting very close. Most people, however, are more familiar with using e-mail for informally communicating with friends. Fortunately, you only need to follow a few simple rules in order to enhance your e-mail skills and impress your coworkers and business partners.

The most basic rule is to keep your writing professional. When you are using your personal e-mail, you can be relaxed and informal, but while you are e-mailing at work, make sure that your e-mail messages are properly spelled, and use correct grammar. When your e-mail contains typographical errors or has an informal tone, you give the impression that you are unprofessional. Part of proper grammar and etiquette on the Internet includes not typing your sentences with all capital letters. When you do this, IT APPEARS THAT YOU ARE SHOUTING AT THE PERSON, EVEN IF THE SENTENCE DOES NOT INCLUDE AN EXCLAMATION POINT. Somewhat jarring, right?

The second rule is to be careful with what you send out. Most companies retain the right to read their employees’ e-mail, so do not under any circumstances send an e-mail that says something you might regret. In fact, several careers have been ruined when the wrong person saw an e-mail that had some choice gossip about your supervisor, disparaging remarks about another coworker, or a steamy message to your significant other. A good standard to use is to assume that both your boss and your parents read every e-mail you send. If you would be comfortable with their reading the e-mail you are about to send, then you can assume it is safe.

You should also try to keep your e-mails short and to the point, while still being professional. Modern white-collar employees can receive more than 25 e-mail messages per day, according to conversation expert Don Gabor. You will really earn your coworkers’ gratitude if you avoid becoming long-winded in your e-mail messages. However, you do not want to be too concise. If you are sending an e-mail that simply lets your supervisor know you agree with a decision she has made, devote a sentence or two recapping the decision and explain why you agree with it. If you just give a two-word answer, you are giving your supervisor more work to do, since she will have to read the e-mail thread in order to figure out the context of your reply.

Finally, do not delay when you respond to e-mails. Replying to an e-mail the same day you get it is ideal, but if you have to prioritize your tasks, you can let the e-mail sit for up to three days if you are extremely busy. If you know you are going to be busy for most of the workweek and you will not be able to get back in touch with the sender in a couple days, send him a courtesy e-mail letting him know that you have received the message and that you will give him a complete reply soon. On the other hand, if you receive spam e-mail, feel free to ignore it forever.

So, what is next on the list of conversation? After all, now you know how to talk to people, how to talk to them in different situations, and how to leave a conversation — even a difficult one. With this chapter, you now know how to communicate online. You already know what you need to in order to confidently walk into a room, scan the crowd, and find someone with whom to start talking. For that matter, you know what to do when someone comes up to you and starts talking.

Table of Contents

Conclusion

By now, you should have enough tools in your conversational repertoire to go out and talk with anyone you wish. You have an idea of where to go to look for friends; you can introduce yourself at a business soiree; and you hold a conversation and leave it with a good impression of you in your partners’ minds. You may even have a few new references or friends.

So now it is time to put the book down, go out, and start having conversations with people. Volunteer to go to business conventions, or start practicing around your office. When you walk into a room with people, remember to smile, keep your arms at your sides, and perhaps make eye contact with a few people. Look for items that would make great tools for starting up a conversation, or come up with a topic that you have in common, like why you are at the business convention or some event that has happened within your company.

When you start talking, use variations of open-ended and closed-ended questions to get the other person talking to you. Actively listen to what he or she has to say, and build on those ideas. Get to know the other person, and when the time is right, withdraw gracefully and say that you will talk with him or her again. With any luck, you will have walked away, and future conversations will reveal the start of a beautiful friendship — or the beginning of a romantic relationship. If you are really ambitious, you might even want to visit another country and make friends in entirely different cultures.

One of the best parts about conversation is discovering your own personal style. Do you find that you are witty and can be counted on to provide a humorous yet accurate thought? Or will you be the supportive conversationalist who makes everyone feel special when they talk to you? The choice is yours, and you can mix and match techniques as you please. For that matter, you may want to alter your repertoire once in a while.

Do not worry; the book will be here for you when you need a refresher course. It will provide the same great advice it did the first time, too. There is a world out there full of people waiting for you to talk with them. Ready? One, two, three…

Table of Contents

Appendix A

Specifics of Body Language

Using Body Language Correctly in the Workplace

Now that you have improved your verbal communication, you can learn about the specifics of what your body communicates. We will start with body language in the workplace. In general, you rarely see any expressions (other than the lack of one) in the office. It is commonly unacceptable to demonstrate an outward showing if emotion within the workplace.

As human beings, it is a part of our nature to show emotions, but in business it is discouraged. Nonverbal communication can be better understood if the employees have the knowledge of what the company’s background and goals are. Understanding how to speak, gesture, and dress within the workplace is important to create relationships. In order to create a proper business relationship within the workplace, companies institute what is called a “corporate culture,” which is simply a company’s standard. An attempt at a promotion or retention can fail if a person fails to follow these unspoken requirements within the workplace environment.

The style of dress you choose, such as a short skirt or not showing up with a tie, can send an alarming signal to the managers and colleagues of a conservative company, and threaten the culture of it. Likewise, a gesture that would send an alarming signal would be a facial expression you used when you were mad at the other person, or a closed-off stance you had while the other person is talking. You must take into consideration where you are when you are deciding on what gestures to use in the office.

Business Body Language Checklist

- Performing a series of gestures can help you exhibit an open body language, such as keeping your palms facing forward, and keeping arms and legs uncrossed.

- In order to bond with new colleagues, friends, or acquaintances, determine what their personality types are by noticing their nonverbal cues. Refer to Chapter 2 for an explanation of personality types.

- Knowing what to say, and when to say it, is just as important as expressing yourself verbally and nonverbally.

- Take the time to listen to the other person, both verbally and nonverbally.

- Showing confidence with your manager can be an important part in getting through the day.

- Knowing how to respectfully decline any further contact with a client, colleague, or manager can be an important part of your career.

- Bonding with colleagues can be difficult, but knowing who you are dealing with will help you to do so.

- Getting through a meeting without making enemies is crucial in the workplace.

- Meeting a new client can be difficult if you do not know anything about him or her, but building rapport is important to getting the account.

- Your first day on the job will always be stressful, but walking in with confidence and enthusiasm will help you get through the day.

- Interviews not only rely on what you say, but how your body language matches the verbal clues.

- Knowing your personal identity can help you make the necessary changes in your body language in order to ensure your success.

- Faking a confident body language until your brain automatically registers it can help you develop the confidence you need.

- Darting eyes and hesitant movements will convey that you are unsure of what you are saying.

- Speaking to someone on an elevated level, positioning your palms toward the floor when shaking hands, and stepping in front of someone gives of the impression that you want to be or think you are the dominant person.

- Body posture, touch, and seating locations are all a part of portraying your status.

Shaking Hand Motions

Once you have mastered the art of conversation and read all about workplace body language, you can advance to specific nuances. We will start with the handshake, and how it can differ greatly among all your acquaintances. How you shake someone’s hand says a lot about you as person. There are many types of handshakes, and for each, there is a time and a place. The handshake conveys a bond between the two parties involved. It can cement an agreement, offer a welcome, or bid someone a farewell. You must convey this gesture with a positive attitude, being congenial and open. Deciding which person advances their hand forward first is a key element. Typically, this gesture is done when first meeting a person, but if that person is immediately uncomfortable meeting you, it can be awkward. If you see this person as your equal, then extending your hand first should not be a problem. In the business context, some people are unsure as to whether they should shake a woman’s hand, so she should extend her hand first to show that she is comfortable with shaking hands. There are many types of handshakes used, each with a different meaning.

The Bone Cruncher

The bone cruncher tells you that the other person is overly aggressive and is compensating for something. This type of handshake will hurt your hand. The person that executes the handshake might not know their own strength or might not have very good social skills. There is nothing you can do to counteract this type of handshake, other than letting the person know he or she hurt you, especially if you felt that it was done on purpose.

The Wet Fish

This handshake sends the message that you are timid, insecure, or nervous. This is one of the most unappealing handshakes out there — the palms are moist and there is a lack of commitment. The people who execute this handshake come off as self-conscious and aloof.

The Power Shake

In order to execute the power shake, your hand should be facing in the downward position. This shows the other person that you are the one in control of the situation because your hand is on top. In this particular handshake, the person with the downward palm is dominant. This is a firm handshake used to let the other individual know that you, the person executing the handshake, wants to be in control of the situation. If you are on the receiving end of this handshake, counter it by giving your wrist a slight turn so that your thumb and the other person’s thumb are facing the same way. If the person resists, then he or she may just want to dominate the task at hand.

The Glove, Double Hander

This particular handshake is favored by politicians and corporate leaders. When one person reaches out her hand, the other person will cup that hand with both of his hands, showing a sign of sincerity, honesty, and deep feelings toward the other person. You increase your physical contact by using both hands, showing the other person you have the upper hand. If this handshake is done when first meeting someone, it can have the reverse effect of the person receiving it. The person can become suspicious of you or your intention toward him or her. It can be seen as though you are trying to invade his or her personal space, or as though you are trying to control the situation. This is an overly affectionate handshake and should only be used for people you already know to avoid sending the wrong signals.

The Firm Handshake

This handshake is seen as a form of equality. The palms of both parties are vertical and meet in the middle. Women favor this handshake in a business setting because it lets the men know they feel they are their equals and are up for no-nonsense meeting of the minds.

The Stiff Arm

This type of handshake is used by aggressive people. It is used to keep you at a distance, away from the other person’s personal space. The people who use this come off as distrusting, aloof, or reserved. The types of people who will execute this handshake want to keep you as far away from their personal space as possible, and they will protect that space at all costs, even if it means locking out their joints to create more distance between you during a handshake. There are times when the person with the stiff arm will even lean forward to do this handshake as a way of keeping you even further from their space. By leaning forward, the person is actually forcing the other individual to take a step back, thus creating a larger space between them.

The Space Invaders

These are the people who automatically shake your hand and place the other on your arm or shoulder, invading your space. They are trying to tell you that they are the ones in control. But, if you thrust your hand forward and then bring it back to you, pulling the other person into your space, you are letting that person know that you are in charge. The people who execute this type of handshake are in demand of power and control. You might see this used by the managers of a company with their insubordinates or when a business meeting with a new client is about to take place.

All About Your Legs

Now that you know what to do with your hands, move down to your legs and feet. There are two different leg positions: the open and the closed position. The farther the body part is from the brain, the less aware we become of what it is doing. An open position of your legs shows dominance, relaxation, a high comfort level, and confidence. The crossed position shows a closed attitude and uncertainty, except for in the case of women, who tend to cross their legs when in a natural seated position.

Legs Crossed

This can be the most comfortable position while sitting down. The meaning of this leg position depends on whether the legs are outstretched and crossed at the ankles, or if they are crossed at the knee. If the legs are outstretched and crossed at the ankle, then this person is at ease and very comfortable.

The European Leg Cross

This is the standard way of crossing your legs. One leg is crossed over the knee of the other leg. If the person crosses the hands, he or she is perpetrating that they are completely closed off to the conversation, ignoring the rest of what you have to say. People have a tendency to talk in shorter sentences, reject more ideas, and overall do not remember a lot of what is said. You will not be getting through to the other person.

The American Figure Four

This position consists of you placing your left or right ankle on the opposite thigh, right above the knee. If you were to stand in front of a mirror and attempt this position it would look as though your lower body has made the number four. This is also a move used in wrestling, so it comes as no surprise that the position gives the perception of dominance. Conversely, it can also show that the person is relaxed and youthful, as demonstrated when the motion is performed as a stretch after exercising. Because it highlights the genital area and is seen as an argumentative or competitive way of sitting, this position is mainly used by men. Most women do not want sit like this because they do not want to seem too masculine or to come off as sexually available.

The Figure Four Leg Clamp

This is a variation of the figure four in which at least one hand is clamped on the crossed leg. This has the ability to project the person as strong-willed and stubborn. This person will reject any opinion, unless it is his or her own. When encountering this with a client or a figurehead, be careful, and tread lightly unless you are looking for an argument.

The Leg Twine

This sitting position is when a person locks the top of her foot behind the opposite leg. It shows an insecure attitude and is typically used by shy, timid women.

Stance

The way you stand, or your stance, can tell a person just as much about how to approach you, what attitude you are going to have toward what he says, and your commitment level. There are many ways we stand and present ourselves to the world. Here are a few common stances:

At Attention

This stance gives a no-commitment attitude and is used every day, unless we are feeling some sort of emotion toward the other person. You are standing with your feet together and hands at your side. In the armed forces, you will see all military personnel stand at attention. They will have perfect posture with their hands at their sides.

Straddle Stance, Legs Apart

In this position, the feet are placed evenly apart, distributing the weight equally between both sides. This is mainly a male standing position, but some females are known to stand like this, too. Depending on how your upper body is positioned, the meaning can differ, sometimes severely. If the person standing in this position has the hands on their hips or the arms crossed, do not approach him or her. They will most likely be cold toward you. This position is all about power displays.

Buttress Stance, One Foot Forward

This position requires one straight leg and one leg to either be bent or straight, but pointing in another direction. All the weight is placed on the perfectly straight leg, but if you see that person shifting his or her weight to the other leg, that person may be trying to tell you he or she is done with the conversation and would like you to leave.

Scissors Stance, Legs Crossed

This position is much like the outstretched legs crossed position, but done while someone is standing — which has a totally different meaning. This position conveys negativity, defensiveness, insecurity, commitment, immobility, and submission. Someone standing in this position will not take flight and leave in the middle of a conversation. The person wants to be there, but can feel the need to be defensive because he or she is insecure while in the company of the person speaking.

What Are Your Feet Saying About You?

The feet are one of the main sources of knowing if a person is lying to you. No matter how much the person can control his or her facial expressions and upper body movements, the feet will not remain still. When someone is lying, the increasing foot movements are a dead giveaway as to just how deceptive the person is trying to be.

Fidgeting Feet

When you see someone with fidgeting feet, it is as sign of impatience. These people are indicating that they want to run away and are unable to. During a business situation, if the person has been constantly bouncing his or her feet but then stops after the offer is off the table, it was done in anticipation of the deal. If the feet are only fidgeting at the end of a conversation, then the person is ready to take off, because he or she does not like how the deal is being negotiated.

Knotted Ankles

Twisting you ankles together is referred to as knotting your ankles, which gives the perception of a closed off space, insecurity, ambiguity, lack of confidence, and a negative attitude toward what is being said. There are instances when people say they are just comfortable sitting like this, and it may be true, but it is their frame of mind that will associate this with comfort and what they are feeling. Most people will knot their ankles when they feel left out, or if they are holding back something important.

If you are sitting across from an executive who has crossed his legs, pay attention to the foot position. If the foot is pointing toward you, then what you are saying is being received. If the foot is pointing the other way, he is done with the conversation and wants to leave. An easy way to find out if you can join in on a conversation is by paying attention to the direction of their feet. If the feet stay pointed away from you, then you are not invited, but if they make a slight turn toward you, then go ahead and join the conversation.

Self-Assessment

Everyone receives feedback, to a certain extent, on the body language signals their bodies send out. It is important to self-assess how you are perceived, because it is easy to ignore the feedback or to be confused by what the feedback really means. If you observe your own body language, you can make assessments and improve your own nonverbal behaviors, allowing you to make more effective statements in the future.

There are typically four categories to pay attention to while self-assessing:

- The body position: When you are speaking, is your body language saying you are confident and comfortable? Are you properly executing the correct body language position for the situation at hand? Are you coming off as interested and attentive to the needs of others? Are you positioning yourself toward the person who is speaking?

- The facial expressions: Are you expressing boredom, indifference, anger, interest, enthusiasm, or neutralization? Is it the correct expression for that particular situation? Are you giving off the correct response?

- The eye contact: Is your eye contact coming off as shifty or uncertainty, due to how you limit it? Are you able to make the correct amount of eye contact with the other people in the room? Is it showing that you are neutral or confident? Is it held for long periods of time or is it direct?

- The unconscious body movements: Are you coming off as bored, impatient, or deceitful? Are you tapping your foot, shifting your weight back and forth, or drumming your fingers? Do you use frequent hand gestures, play with your hair, or shuffle the papers in front of you? What do you notice about your subconscious body movements?

Once you have finished this assessment, take note of the things you want to change and create a planned method for executing this change. If you are the type of person who likes to use arms and hands quite a bit while making a point, then the next time you have a conversation, try to clasp your hands in front of you. This is the simplest way to control this type of subconscious body language movements.

Nonverbal Clues That Show Closed Body Language

When you assess yourself, keep the following charts in mind:

Body Part

Nonverbal Cue

Meaning

Head

Directing head toward something else, looking down or away from someone

Discomfort, negativity

Arms

Crossed arms in the center, folded, clasped, or holding on to one another, holding on to body, or crossing wrists in lap

Defensiveness, negativity, discomfort, dissension

Legs

Crossed legs at ankles or knees, resting on opposite thigh, wrapping around another object, pulled away, tucked under chair or facing away from other person

Discomfort, negativity, defensiveness, dissension

Nonverbal Clues That Show Open Body Language

Body Part

Nonverbal Cue

Meaning

Head

Nodding, straight ahead, sustained eye contact

Composed state, relaxed, comfortable

Arms

At sides, palms exposed, gesturing, moving in sync, rolling up sleeves, loosening attire

Comfortable, composed, relaxed

Legs

Uncrossed, parallel, relaxed, feet pointing outwards

Comfortable, composed, relaxed

Table of Contents

Appendix B

Online Conversation Resources

Facebook (www.facebook.com): Find out your friends’ interests, sift through photo albums, and write on Web pages to come up with conversation pieces at the next party.

Twitter (http://twitter.com): Sign up to “follow” topics and organizations that align with your interests. This will keep you in the know with your colleagues and friends. These updates, or “tweets,” will give you something to talk about at the water cooler or on the phone with a friend.

Plinky (www.plinky.com): This site provides an interesting prompt every day and lets anyone answer it. Visit this site frequently for conversation starters.

The New York Times (www.nytimes.org): You need to know what’s going on in your city, state, and world to keep up with conversations. Sign up for free to have articles and headlines sent directly to your phone or e-mail inbox. Visit the following link for the “Conversation” Times Topic: http://topics.nytimes.com/topics/reference/timestopics/subjects/c/conversation

Socrates Café (www.philosopher.org): This non-profit organization promotes philosophical inquiries from people of all ages. You will be able to start a gathering in your area with the help of this site.

Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org): Have you honed your skills so well that you want to share your new gift? This site is all about resolving conflict and communicating peaceful messages. You can read about workshops that help you learn to create a peaceful and supportive environment.

National Coalition for Dialogue and Deliberation (www.thataway.org): This site fosters a vision of strengthening communication skills.

Public Speaking International (www.publicspeakinginternational.com): This site provides information on speech improvement services. Free public speaking tips are included.

Voice Power Studios (www.voicepowerstudios.com): Learn to speak with a voice that demands respect and attention.

Table of Contents

Bibliography

Catherine Blyth. The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of Neglected Pleasure. London: Gotham Books, 2009. Print.

Jeanne Martinet. The Art of Mingling: Proven Techniques for Mastering Any Room. New York: St. Martins Griffin, 2006. Print.

Debra Fine. The Fine Art of Small Talk: How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills — and Leave a Positive Impression! New York: Hyperion, 2005. Print.

Don Gabor. How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001. Print.

Leil Lowndes. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. New York: McGraw Hill, 2003. Print.

Julia Wood. Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters. Boston: Wadsworth, 2010. Print.

Harmony Stalter. Employee Body Language Revealed: How to Predict Behavior in the Workplace by Reading and Understanding Body Language. Ocala: Atlantic Publishing Group, Inc., 2010. Print.

Table of Contents

Author Biography

Chris Gottschalk is an award-winning freelance writer. He has written hundreds of articles covering diverse topics such as notable renovation projects throughout the United States and business opportunities for magicians. He is also the copywriter for a Midwestern trailer company. When not writing, Chris is an avid reader, and he also enjoys exercising. He hopes to gain more hobbies in the future.

Table of Contents

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Table of Contents

Table of Contents

How to Start and Make a Conversation: How to Talk to Anyone in 30 Seconds or Less

Table of Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1

Necessity

The Sociology Theories

Versatility

Business Advantages

How to Talk to People and Make Friends

Chapter 2

Social Anxiety

Do Not Fear Rejection

What to do if You Flub Your First Impression

Non-Starters: Attitudes and Tactics That Can Kill a Conversation

It is Better to Share

Why do Some People Hog the Conversation?

Self-Esteem

Conversation Among Different Personality Types

Personality Sub-Types

Conversation and Different Cultures

Interesting Greeting Customs Around the World

Do Not Assume

English as a Second Language

Give Them a Break

Chapter 3

Misreading Body Language

The Good Body Language Guide

The “Core” of Body Language

Using Body Language to Flirt

Practice Makes Perfect

Artifacts and Impressions

Chapter 4

Ritual Questions

How to Respond When Someone Approaches You

Well Hello, Mister…

Turn the Spotlight Around

Chapter 5

Why Make Small Talk?

How to Make Small Talk

Information Trapping

What About You?

Why Revealing Personal Information is Safe

Guidelines on Disclosing Personal Information

The Self-Disclosure Pyramid

The Flow of Information

How to Change the Topic

The Ripple Theory Revisited

Avoiding Certain Topics

If the Other Person is Uninterested

Chapter 6

Leave ‘Em Wanting More

The Framework Finish

How to Leave a Group

A Graceful but Quiet Exit

Referrals/Advice and How to Get Them

Chapter 7

All About Assertiveness

Tips for Achieving Self-Confidence

At Last, the Difficult Conversations and How to Handle Them

Other Ways to Leave

Chapter 8

Getting Started

Workplace Friendships

Body Language in the Workplace

Talking with Bosses

Bosses and Friendship

Chapter 9

The Four Rules of Making Friends

So Where do You Find Friends?

How to Talk to Prospective Friends

Doing Things Together

Stages of Friendship

Tips for Positive Communication Between Friends

Chapter 10

The Building Blocks of a Romantic Relationship

Mingling With Singles

How to Ask Someone On a Date

The Relationship Cycle

How to Have a Healthy Break-Up

Conflict in Romantic Relationships

Chapter 11

The Limits of Techno Communication

Does the Internet Help or Hurt Communication?

How to get Involved in an Online Conversation

Conclusion

Appendix A

Using Body Language Correctly in the Workplace

Shaking Hand Motions

All About Your Legs

What Are Your Feet Saying About You?

Self-Assessment

Appendix B

Bibliography

Author Biography

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