Table of Contents

Title Page

Acknowledgements

USING THIS BOOK

CHAPTER 1 - HOWDY JAPANESE

Hello

What’s up?

Good morning / Good evening

Long time no see

Goodbye

Hey!

Myself

Sorry

Excuse me

Please

Let’s be friends

Nice to meet you

Pictures

CHAPTER 2 - FRIENDLY JAPANESE

Friends

Titles

Family

Characters

Everyday people

CHAPTER 3 - PARTY JAPANESE

Let’s party

Whatcha up to?

Getting down

Taking it easy

Funny shit

Cool shit

Where Japanese people

Booze

Fucked-up-edness

Weed

Coke

CHAPTER 4 - BODY JAPANESE

The Japanese ideal

The Japanese ugly

Piss

Shit

Farts

Snot / boogers / etc.

Sickness

CHAPTER 5 - HORNY JAPANESE

Fucking

Genitalia, etc.

Sexual acts

I’m coming!

CHAPTER 6 - ANGRY JAPANESE

Enemies

Smacktalk

Getting pissed off

Snapping

Fighting

Stopping a fight

Pigs

CHAPTER 7 - POPPY JAPANESE

Music

Comedy

The Major Comedy Acts

Comics and cartoons

Fashion

CHAPTER 8 - SPORTY JAPANESE

Sports

Minor sports

Cheering

Exercise

Video games

CHAPTER 9 - HUNGRY JAPANESE

Belly

Food

Excuse me!

Yummmmm!

Food benders

Fast food

Family restaurants

Cafés

Sushi expert

Yuck!

Picky Eaters

Other Ulysses Press Titles

About the Author

Copyright Page

Soli Tansman Gloria

Acknowlegments

I’d like to thank Professor Alan Tansman for being as generous as he is wise, Charlie Emrich, Matthew Suidan, Tami Downes and Brooke Ray Smith for putting up with ridiculous questions about human anatomy, Alice for teaching me to love again, Nakayama Risa for advice about anime and manga, Seigo Nakao for his sagacious vetting, Oooka Hironori for being absurdly handsome, Ito Gabin for blowing my mind, Zach Anderson and Aaron Cavin for their cylindrical beards, all the people at Ulysses Press for tolerating my dirty mouth, and of course Kameko for her ineffable shell. I love you all.

USING THIS BOOK

I wrote this book assuming that you already know at least enough Japanese to get by. Maybe you’ve spent enough time in Japan to get the hang of the basics. Or maybe you nerded out on so much anime that you acquired the entire Gundam vocabulary through osmosis. Or listened to those “Learn Japanese in 24 Hours” CDs until you can order blowfish sashimi without batting an eyelid. Whatever, this book is designed to expand your Japanese past the edge of conventional learning methods.

One thing about the Japanese language, which you’ll find me repeating all through this book—it’s very, very contextual. What you say depends on who you are speaking to, and this book is meant to be used in the company of friends. So be warned that if you say any of the words and phrases in Dirty Japanese to someone older than you, or to a stranger of any age, you can expect them to look at you as if you’d just peed in their kitchen sink.

But when you’re among friends or fellow debauchers, let’s face it—“Konnichiwa, yoroshiku onegai shimasu” is going to make you stand out like… well… a foreigner.

So Dirty Japanese is all about the up-to-date slangish words, super-casual phrases, sexy sayings, and innuendos that you aren’t going to find anywhere else. (And yes, there’s some just plain rude, deficky stuff too. Fuck it—readers with delicate sensibilities can skip over those pages and still get plenty of benefit from the rest of the book.)

Each word or phrase in English is followed by its Japanese equivalent, first as it’s written in Japanese characters and then spelled out in the Roman alphabet. A lot of people

〈〈〈〈READING JAPANESE〉〉〉〉

If you haven’t tackled the challenge of learning to read Japanese yet, it’s not as hard as it looks like it should be. Japanese writing uses three (or maybe four) different sets of characters.

HIRAGANA, full of loops and curves, is an “alphabet” made up of 46 characters representing every sound in the Japanese language—a, i, u, e, o, ka, ki, ku, ke, ko, sa, shi, su, se, so, ta, chi, tsu . . . and so on. It is usually used for writing basic Japanese words. The following words are written in hiragana:

ossu

What’s up!

ampontan

dorkface

isoginchaku

sea anemone

KATAKANA, a simple, angular “alphabet,” also has 46 characters. Each one corresponds to a hiragana character, though there can be subtle differences in pronunciation that you don’t really need to worry about. It is usually used for writing borrowed foreign words (like “computer”), foreign names, company names, and newly coined Japanese words (like “karaoke”). Here are some examples of katakana:

baiagura

Viagra

tomu kurūzu

Tom Cruise

rāmen

ramen

who speak pretty decent Japanese can’t read a word of it—and you don’t really need to. Well, not unless you hope to find your way around Tokyo on your own. You can still get everything in this book from the Roman alphabet versions.

Now take your Dirty Japanese and get dirty with it!

KANJI, which looks very complicated, is a set of “ideograms” imported from China as early as the 5th century. There are thousands of kanji characters, and many of them can be pronounced in different ways, depending on context. Good luck. Fortunately, teachers say you only need to know 1945 kanji characters for complete Japanese literacy. Most of the others are only used to represent the names of specific places and people, so you can think of them as corporate logos and only learn to recognize the ones you need. For example:

joshi kōsei

schoolgirl

bijin hakumei

beautiful women have unfortunate fates

kenka jōtō

tough motherfucker

ROMANJI, the Roman (English) alphabet, is now spreading to Japan because of globalization. You’ll encounter it in Japanese slang, especially for writing abbreviations and acronyms of American words and high-tech terms.

You’ll find complete lists of hiragana and katakana characters, along with the basic kanji characters, in the front or back of most standard Japanese-English phrasebooks. Study them and challenge yourself to relate them to the words and phrases in this book. I hereby promise that anybody—even Americans—can learn to read hiragana and katakana in about a week, if sufficiently inspired.

〈〈〈〈〈PRONOUNCING JAPANESE〉〉〉〉〉

Japanese grammar may be mind-boggling, but at least the words are easy to pronounce. Once your tongue gets used to the basic syllables, you should be able to read out loud from this or any other phrasebook well enough so local people can understand you.

Japanese has the same five vowels as English, and almost all words end with a vowel or an “n.” Each vowel has only one pronunciation:

a = short “a” as in “vagina”

i = “ee” as in “amigo”

u = “oo” as in “lunatic”

e = short “e” as in “ex-girlfriend”

o = regular “o” as in “Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby!”

Sometimes, when reading Japanese words written in the Roman alphabet, you’ll see a vowel with a straight line (a macron) above it, like “ā” or “ō.” This doesn’t change the pronunciation or emphasis, it only means the vowel is drawn out longer. So “ō” means “Ohhh . . . ,” not “Oooo ....” In addition, the spaces between romanized Japanese words are totally arbitrary. Try to let the syllables flow at a relatively even pace.

Consonant sounds in Japanese are pretty much the same as in English, and there are fewer of them (though many Japanese characters represent combinations of consonants). The consonants that Americans tend to have trouble with are:

ts = like an “s” beginning with a little tongue click, less pronounced than “itsy-bitsy” in English.

n = drawn out longer than an English “n,” like “Nnno . . . I don’t think so.”

r = with the pretense of a roll, as in Spanish. (This is the letter Americans find hardest to say correctly.)

But if you blow your pronunciation of these letters, people will still be able to understand you. They’ll just make fun of your American accent behind your back.

The most important point to remember is that every syllable in Japanese words gets equal emphasis. It’s “ka-wa-sa-ki,” not “KA-wa-SA-ki.”

CHAPTER 1

HOWDY JAPANESE

CHIWASSU NIHONGO

Hello

konnichiwa

Japanese slang isn’t really used with strangers, so there aren’t a lot of meet-and-greet-type slang words. If you’re being introduced to somebody for the very first time, you gotta suck it up and settle for a good old-fashioned konnichiwa. But when you’re rolling with friends, “hello” will come off a little stiff, so try slinging one of the following slang variations on konnichiwa:

Hi

koncha

Howdy

chiwassu

Howdy-ho

konchassu

Howdy-do

nchatt

What’s up?

ossu

A slangier way of saying “hello” would be ossu. Like its English counterpart “what’s up,” ossu has an infinite number of variations. Ossu was originally an incredibly formal word, the kind of thing that a soldier would say to a drill sergeant—like: “SIR YES SIR!” But in a slang context, ossu comes across as a silly way to say “hi.” Here’s how two friends might greet each other, for example:

Whattup! (greeting)

ossu

‘Sup. (response)

ussu

or

Whazzap! (greeting)

uissū

Whazzaaaaaaap!!! (response)

ussussu

Good morning / Good evening

ohayō / kombanwa

There are also informal variations on “good morning” and “good evening”:

Good morning, Sunshine!

ohhā

G’morning!

ohayōn

Evenin’

konbancha

Long time no see

ohisashiburi

As in English, the next part of a greeting usually involves inquiring about the other person’s well-being.

Long time no see!

ohisa

How’s it hanging?

chōshi dōyo?

It’s hanging.

bochibochi denna

How you been?

ogenko?

Same as always, man.

ai kawarazu dayo

And just as fat as always.

ai kawarazu debu dashi

And you’re just as retarded as always.

omae wa ai kawarazu aho dashi

Yo, guys!

yō omaera

Hey.

yā

It’s been a while.

hisa bisa dana

What’s the word?

saikin dōyo?

Same old bullshit.

dōmokōmo nēyo

Goodbye

sayōnara

When it comes to parting phrases, there are also any number of variations on the traditional sayōnara.

Buh-bye

bainara

See ya

hon jā ne

Later

mata nē

Smell you later (tough guy way of saying “bye”)

aba yo

Hey!

oi!

In British English, “oi” is a slightly impolite word used to get people’s attention. In Japanese, oi is a slightly impolite word used to get people’s attention. Go figure. Other attention grabbers:

Look!

hora

Hey, kid…

na kimi

Come here a sec.

chotto oide

I want to have a word with you.

hanashi ga arundakedo

Myself

jibun

One of the great things about Japanese is the variety of personal pronouns you can assume. The main three ways to say “I” are:

I (feminine/polite)

watashi

I’m Nancy!

watashi wa nanshī dēsu

I (boyish)

boku

I’m studying as hard as I can to get into college!

boku wa isshō kemmei juken benkyō o yatte māsu

I (manly)

ore

I totally look like Mel Gibson, don’t I?

ore tte meru gibuson ni nitenē

Of course, there are also numerous slang ways to say “I,” most of which are variations on the aforementioned pronouns. Kids use all of these with different levels of irony, but nobody just sticks to one pronoun. Especially girls—they can use male pronouns without any innuendo, though a dude’s use of a female pronoun will probably be construed as super gay.

I (male, redneck)

ora

I don’t know how to use them microwaves.

ora denshi renji no tsukaikata nanka wakannē

I (male, dopey)

oira

I went to New York, but I didn’t see no big apples.

oira nyūyōku ni ittakedo ōkina ringo nanka minakatta ze

I (female, slightly Valley Girl)

atashi

Oh my god, I have no idea what I did all day!

uwa atashi kyō ichinichi nani yatteita ka wakannai no

I (female, rich girl)

atai

I always take taxis because I can’t stand trains.

atai densha wa iya dakara itsumo takushī o tsukatte iru noyo

I (male, geezer)

asshi

You know, I used to be quite the ladies’ man, back in the day.

asshi wa mukashi kanari no iro otoko datta ze

Sorry

gomen nasai

Apologizing is a really just a matter of sincerity. If you truly regret your actions, just say so in a straightforward and honest manner. But if you just don’t give a fuck, try apologizing with one of the following variations on gomennasai:

Sorry, Charlie

gomenchai

Ex-squeeze me

gomenkusai

Whoopsy-daisy

mengo mengo

Excuse me

sumimasen

“Excuse me” is one of those multipurpose words that can be a greeting, a good-bye, or an apology for farting. The same goes for Japanese—you can use these slang variations of “excuse me” in a variety of situations.

Pardon

suimasen

Well pardon me for living!

ikitete suimasen

’Scuse me

suman

’Scuse my shitty Japanese.

nihongo ga hetakuso de suman

$0rr¥

sumaso

$0rr¥ I’m late.

osoku natte sumaso

*computer speak that went mainstream

Aside from “sorry” and “excuse me,” there are a couple other slangish ways to shrug off guilt:

pay no mind

donmai

My bad

warīne

Apologies

mōshiwake

You poor thing

kawaisō

Please

kudasai

Asking for a favor is another of those things that you usually want to be polite about. But when you are talking to friends, feel free to be a little more casual:

Why don’t you. . .

...kuri

Why don’t you call me sometime.

... kondo denwa shite kuri

Purdy-please (archaic, rural)

... kunro

Tell me your name, purdy-please!

onamae osēte kunro

Pretty-please (feminine)

... cho

When you find out where the party is, could you text me,

pretty-please?

nomikai no basho kimattara mēru shite cho

Do

... na

Go do your best—we’re all rooting for you.

ōen shiterukara gambatte kina

Do clean up—I’ve got friends coming over.

tomodachi ga kuru kara sōji shina

I hope you...

. . .kureya

I hope you hang out with me a lot.

takusan asonde kureya

You should. . .

. . .okure

You should come kick it at my place sometime.

kondo uchi e asobi ni kite okure

Snease (a horrible pun)

. . .chommage

Forgive me, snease!

yurushite chommage

Pleeze (slightly silly)

. . .kurahai

Pleeze eat the leftover sushi.

osushi nokotta kara kutte kurahai

〈〈〈〈〈INTRODUCING YOURSELF〉〉〉〉〉 JIKO SHŌKAI

My name’s Kenneth.

ore wa kenesu tte iunda

I’m from Canada.

kanada kara kiteru

I only have three months to live.

inochi wa ato sankagetsu shika nainda

And I’m still a virgin.

mada cherī dashi

My name’s Rebecca.

atashi wa rebekka desu

I’m from England.

igirisu jin desu

I’m here looking for adventure.

bōken o motome koko ni yatte kita

No man can handle me.

atashi o atsukaeru otoko nanka inai

Let’s be friends

yoroshiku onegai shimasu

Okay, so literally this phrase doesn’t mean “let’s be friends,” but that’s the best English equivalent I can offer. (A literal translation would go something like “I hope you will take care of things in a manner that is convenient for both of us.”) When I learned Japanese as a kid, my teacher gave it the almost as unwieldy rendering. “Please be kind to our friendship.” Basically, it’s a word that appeals to someone’s generosity. You use it after introducing yourself to someone for the first time, or when you ask a favor of somebody who’s already your friend. When you say yoroshiku to a friend, it just means something like “do me right, baby,” as in the following:

My name’s Francisco.

Please take care of me while I’m here in Japan.

boku wa furanshisuko desu. nihon ni iru aida wa yoroshiku desu

I don’t know much Japanese,

so work with me as best you can.

nihongo wa amari wakaranai node yoroshiku

In other words, yoroshiku is an all-purpose phrase that you can use whenever you need to implore somebody’s altruism. There are also numerous slang versions of the word:

Take good care of my luggage, now.

nimotsu yoroshiko

That would be awesome if you could hook me up with a cute guy!

kondo kawaī otoko no ko shōkai shite. shikoyoro

I’m gonna drop by tomorrow, so… (don’t ass out on me)

ashita wa asobi ni iku node yoropiko

Nice to meet you

hajimemashite

Not to sound like a broken record, but in Japan you don’t use slang with someone you don’t know. Which means that when you are asking somebody how old they are, where they grew up, or whether they prefer Diet or regular Dr. Pepper, you probably need to use polite speech. Here are some basic non-slang icebreakers to use with new acquaintances.

Nice to meet you.

hajimemashite

What’s your name?

onamae nante iundesuka

Have we met before?

dokka de atta koto arimasenka

Do you have a light?

raitā arimasuka

Do you have the time?

jikan wakarimasuka

Thanks. I just wanted to record the exact time I first met you.

arigatō. anata ni hajimete atta jikan o seikaku ni kiroku shite okitakattandesu

Do you come here often?

yoku kokoni kurundesuka

Do you want to get a drink?

ocha shimasenka

How old are you?

oikutsu desuka

No waaaay! You don’t look a day older than twenty!

ussō. hatachi nimo mieani noni

How old do you think I look?

watashi wa ikutsu ni miemasuka

I’m new to Japan.

watashi wa nihon ni kita bakkari nandesu

I want to make some Japanese friends.

nihonjin no tomodachi o tsukuritain desu

What do you like to do on your days off?

kyūjitsu wa itsumo nani shite imasuka

Teach me some fun words.

nanika omoshiroi kotoba o oshiete kudasai

I’m enjoying hanging out with you.

issho ni asondete tanoshī desu

Pictures

shashin

Let’s take a picture.

issho ni shashin torō

You know Japanese folks love their pictures. But when you take a photo, don’t ask your models to say “cheese”—ask them what one plus one is, because the Japanese word for “two” (ni) pulls the old cheeks up like a good face-lift:

What’s one plus one?

ichi tasu ichi wa

Two!

nī

CHAPTER 2

FRIENDLY JAPANESE

NAKA YOSHIN IHONGO

Friends

nakama

Japan is often seen as a rigid society, where social pressures deny people their full range of expression. This is not true. What is acceptable to say depends on who’s around. When you’re with friends, you can say some of the stupidest shit possible and be loved and forgiven. But even with friends there are different levels of intimacy, as in the following:

Total stranger

aka no tanin

Hey—Japanese folks don’t just go up and talk to total strangers like that.

anone nihonjin wa sōyatte aka no tanin ni koe o kaketari shinai no

Acquaintance

shiriai

I first got interested in Japan because I had lots of Japanese acquaintances.

nihon ni kyōmi o motta no wa nihonjin no shiriai ga ōkatta kara da

Classmate

dōkyūsei

Do you hang out with your classmates much?

dōkyūsei to wa yoku asondeiru no

Coworker

dōryō

Do you get along with your coworkers?

dōryō to wa naka yoku shiteru

Have you ever dated a coworker?

dōryō to tsukiatta koto aru

Buddy-buddy

naka yoshi

You know, we really get along well.

uchira tte kekkō nakayoshi da ne

Solid guy

ī yatsu

He’s really a solid guy.

aitsu wa hontō ni ī yatsu da

Sweet girl

ī ko

She’s really a sweet girl.

kanojo wa hontō ni ī ko de ne

Friend

tomodachi

Seriously, man, you are such a good friend.

omae wa hontō ni ī tomodachi da

Text friend (literally: “thumb-buddy”)

oyatomo

I’ve got more text friends than real friends.

jissai no tomodachi yori oyatomo no hō ga ōi

Text friend (another word for…)

merutomo

Best friend

shin’yū

My best friend is Japanese.

shin’yū wa nihonjin da

〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈LIP SERVICE〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉 OSEJI

Meeting new people is fun, but let’s be honest: you don’t want to know about their master’s thesis and they don’t want to know about your bottle cap collection. So let’s do our best to keep conversation to insincere compliments with the following phrases:

That’s a cute skirt you’re wearing.

sono sukāto kawaī ne.

You look kind of like a Japanese Brad Pitt.

anata wa burapi no nihonjin ban da

You would be super popular in America.

amerika ja zettai moteru yo ne

Damn girl, you’ve got some great fashion sense!

mecha oshare da,k imi

I just know I’ve seen your face in the movies before.

zettai ni eiga de mita koto aru wa,k ono kao

I never really understood the appeal of Japanese men until I saw you.

nihon no otoko no hito no miryoku ga wakaranakatta,a nata ni au made wa

Tight bros/girls from way back

osana najimi

We are tight from way back.

koitsu to wa osana najimi da

Crush

sukina hito

I think he’s got a new crush.

aitsu wa sukina hito ga dekita mitai

Boyfriend

kareshi

Your boyfriend seems like a really nice guy.

kimi no kareshi wa yasashisō dane

Man (boyfriend)

danna

My man doesn’t like meeting my friends.

danna ga atashi no tomodachi ni aitagaranainda

Girlfriend

kanojo

I had a feeling your girlfriend was gonna be hot.

omae no kanojo tte yappari bijin dane

My girl

yome

I’ll introduce you to my girl sometime,

but she’s not much to look at.

yome wa kondo shōkai surukedo amari kawaiku naindayo

Fuck buddy

sefure

You know, a fuck buddy is the greatest thing a person can have.

yo no naka de mottomo arigatai sonzai wa yappari sefure dana

Titles

keishō

Thanks to Karate Kid, everybody knows that adding “san” to Daniel’s name makes him “Mister Daniel.” But did you know that there are a bunch of other titles you can add to people’s names—and not just respectful ones either, but slang ones to use with your friends?

SENSEI

Generally used for teachers, or someone who has otherwise been a beacon of knowledge in one’s life.

SAN

Pretty much the equivalent of “Mister,” it maintains professional distance.

SAMA

“Sir/Madam.” Only for highly polite situations, or when you’re being ironic.

KUN

An affectionate ending for a friend’s name, usually a male friend who is the same age or younger than you.

CHAN

More affectionate and cuter that “kun,” and therefore often used with girls, but with boys as well, when they are being cute.

CHIN

This is a slangier version of “chan.”

TAN

And even slangier version of “chan.”

PON

A silly ending for a friend’s name, kind of dorky and fun.

Family

kazoku

Family is what it’s all about—especially in Japan, where the family unit still retains a subtle semblance of cohesiveness. When speaking about or to your own family, it’s normal to use slang titles like “my old lady” or “the geezer”—but be sure to use respectful names like “father” and “mother” when speaking about other people’s families.

Father

otōsan

What does your father do for a living?

otōsan wa donna shigoto shite irundesuka

Dad

papa

My dad’s been married three times.

papa wa sankai mo kekkon shite iru

Old man, geezer

oyaji

My old man was a lush.

uchi no oyaji wa aruchū datta

oyaji gyagu

a “geezer pun.” In Japan, bad puns are referred to as

“geezer puns,” as the chief culprits are usually old men.

Mother

okāsan

Do you look more like your father or your mother?

otōsan to okāsan no dotchi ni nite irundesuka

Mom

mama

I miss my mom’s cooking.

uchi no mama no teryōri ga natsukashikute

Old lady

ofukuro

My old lady used to be pretty hot, back in the day.

ore no ofukuro nanka wakai koro wa chō bijin datta

Japanese folks don’t do the whole “Yo momma” shtick, but I’ve seen elementary kids throw out the following zinger in fits of passion:

Your momma’s bellybutton is an outie!

omae no kāchan debeso daa

Characters

kyara

Personally, I like to judge people by how much money they have. But there are actually several other ways to classify our fellow human beings, including the color of their skin and how tall they are. Here are some different ways to describe people:

Spoiled brat

obotchama

That dude is a spoiled brat.

aitsu wa obotchama dakara na

Daddy’s little princess

ojō

That girl is Daddy’s little princess.

anoko wa ojō dakara na

Rich

kanemochi

You must be rich!

anta kanemochi daro

Poor

bimbō

It’s impossible to be poor and live in Tokyo.

tōkyō wa bimbō na ningen ja yatte ikenai

Gaudy

hade

Americans like gaudy stuff.

amerikajin wa hade na mono ga suki dane

Plain

jimi

I like to dress really plain.

ikanimo jimi na yōfuku ga suki da

Genius

tensai

You’re a goddamn genius!

omae wa tensai da

Airhead

ten’nen

You are such an airhead.

omae wa maji de ten’nen da

The word ten’nen really just means “natural,” but it’s often used as an abbreviation for ten’nen boke or “natural-born idiot.”

Jock

supōtsuman

I was a total jock in high school.

kōkō jidai wa chō supōtsuman dattanda

Prettyboy

ikemen

She hangs out with lots of prettyboys.

kanojo no tomodachi ni wa ikemen ga ōi

Nerd

otaku

Now I’m just a regular old nerd.

ima wa goku ippantekina otaku nanda

Friendly

hito atari ī

She’s a really friendly gal.

anoko hito atari ī yone

Antisocial

tsukiai warui

He’s kind of antisocial.

aitsu wa chotto tsukiai warui yo

Party animal

asobinin

All of my friends are party animals.

tomodachi wa minna asobi’nin nanda

Slacker

pūtarō

I graduated three years ago but I’m still a jobless slacker.

sannen mae ni sotsugyō shitakedo mada pūtarō shiteru

Loser

dame ningen

What are you doing with a loser like him?

aitsu no yōna dame ningen to tsukiatte dō sunno

Responsible adult

shakaijin

All my friends have turned into responsible adults.

tomodachi wa minna shakaijin ni natchimatta yo

The word shakaijin means a full-fledged member of society—in other words, someone with a full-time job.

Compare this to jobless slackers known as pūtarō .

Businessman

rīman

My dad is just a regular old businessman.

oyaji wa futsū ni rīman yatteru

Office lady

ōeru

I’m just a regular old office lady.

atashi wa futsū no ōeru nano

Everyday people

ippan pī

In America you have your stoners, preppies, hipsters, band geeks, jocks, goths, visigoths, rednecks, punks, computer nerds, ravers, art kids, and those student government types who end up banging your wife later on in life. Likewise, Japan has its own set of stock characters that you will learn to recognize. So take this book and a pair of binoculars and see if you can identify the following Japanese archetypes:

< PŪTARŌ OR FURĪTĀ

A pūtarō or furītā is a Japanese Generation X’er. These are kids in their twenties who have graduated from college but, reluctant to become a cog in the corporate machinery, take part-time jobs at the local 7-Eleven and spend their paychecks on clothes and cell phone accessories. Furītā are treated as a big social problem, on a par with drugs and violence, but really they’re just your average college grads with nothing better to do than piss off Mom by drinking milk straight out of the carton. They check their e-mail like fifty times an hour and are really into the Food Network.

< G YARU

This is one of the more notorious Japanese archetypes. Girls with overwrought tans, blond hair, bright fluorescent clothing, and white glitter makeup around their eyes. There are different levels of gyaru, the most violent manifestation of which is the yamamba, whose tan is so dark and whose eye makeup is so garishly white that under the black light of a dance club she appears to be a pair of disembodied raccoon eyes. As a foreigner, you may be inclined to make fun of gyaru, and Japanese people often act ashamed of them, but they are actually more fun to party with than just about anybody. Think of them as Japanese Jersey girls! They dance, drink, and know how to get dirty—so hang up your hang-ups and go hit up Shibuya for a good, peroxide-tinted time. Gyaru banzai!

< B URIKKO

A ditz. Literally, burikko mean “a girl who pretends.” Like her American counterpart, a burikko isn’t actually ditzy, per se—she just pretends to be because her dad molested her as a kid and she assumed feigned ignorance as a primitive defense mechanism. And she thinks dudes actually like Paris Hilton. She’s actually really sharp, and says some funny shit when you get her drunk enough—but then when you start to get intimate and ask her for her number she’ll suddenly clam up and say: “You mean, like, my social security number?!”

< YANKĪ

A bastardization of the word “yankee,” yankī refers to the male version of gyaru. Like gyaru, they tend to have long blond hair and obsessive tans, and are likewise undereducated. Don’t hate on them for looking a little froufrou, though—these guys are the blue-collar workers of Japan, building Tokyo’s skyscrapers by day and sniffing paint thinner by night. They are also tons more fun to rap with than your average salaryman, and can hold their own in a fight if it comes down to it. Same story as gyaru, basically, without a vagina.

< OTAKU

Otaku is a word that, like bukkake, has insinuated itself into the English language. These are the guys who spend all night in their apartment with the lights out, playing World of Warcraft and jerking off to science fiction anime. This is not a judgmental description: in my opinion these folks deserve our awe and our reverence. They have the balls to do what your ego and pride will never allow you to do—sink into the mire of self-indulgence, without any regard for what society might say. So next time an otaku walks by you on his way to the video arcade, stop for a moment, take off your hat, and hum the intro to Final Fantasy, in the slightly wavering key of hesitant admiration.

< HIKKĪ

Hikkī are a relatively new phenomenon in Japan. A particularly acute manifestation of the furītā generation, a hikkī is like a violent amalgam of otaku and apathy. Hikkī stay in their rooms all day, so afraid of societal pressure that their lethargy actually becomes an active commitment on a par with a full-time job. The word hikkī can also refer to Japanese pop singer Utada Hikaru, but in this case it is short for hikikomori, which means “to hole up.”

< AKIBAKEI

A-Boy These anime fanatics are essentially otaku, but encompass a slightly larger and more colorful demographic. Akiba refers to Akihabara, the electronics/anime mecca of Tokyo (and the world at large). So basically akiba kei means the kind of people that hang out in Akihabara. This includes folks who like to dress up as their favorite anime characters (cosplay), computer enthusiasts, hard-core gamers, and the just plain socially awkward. Sometimes referred to as “A-Boys”—a pun on the term B-Boys.

< BĪBŌI

B-boy This is a jigger. Not like when Jay-Z says “Jigga that Nigga” or when your grandpa asks you to fetch him “a jigger of gin”—no, this is the Japanese version of a “wigger”: a Japanese boy who thinks that every day is Halloween and his only costume is an Eminem outfit. You can find groups of jiggers break-dancing to Jamiroquai in subway stations throughout Japan. Not as lame as their Caucasian counterparts but still pretty ridiculous, bībōi wear Kangol hats and Timberline boots but would probably turn tail at the very sight of a Paki dude, much less a real black guy. Flash them a gang sign and then get all tripped out when they actually flash a gang sign back.

< RĪMAN

salaryman This is perhaps the most pervasive demographic in Tokyo—the ubiquitous, expressionless businessman. The weird thing about these dudes is that you can get drunk with them and see them emerge from their elaborate cocoons of mannerism, spread their powdery wings and ascend unto the sky, laughing and singing and shitting on their bosses and wives and the whole sham of modern life—only to glance at their watches and say, “Oh shit, I’m gonna miss the last train.”

< ŌERU

OL stands for “office lady.” This is basically the adult manifestation of the Japanese schoolgirl—now that she has graduated from college, she is working in an office until she gets knocked up. On weekends she goes to Disneyland with her boyfriend and throws a fit when his eyes are closed in the twenty-dollar Splash Mountain photo. She is lousy in bed.

< BABĀ

Middle-aged ladies. Soccer moms. In the United States, the demographic of middle-aged women either have this erotic Desperate Housewives appeal to them, or else they serve as an antidote to the boner you seem to get in class every day at 2:00 p.m. In Japan, middle-aged ladies gravitate toward the latter, with all the spite and zealotry of evangelism thrown in. Remember that one friend you had in high school, whose mom hated you because she somehow knew that you were getting her son high? Remember how she called all your other friends’ moms and got them to hate you, too? Yeah, well picture that, but riding a motor scooter at 50 mph through Japanese suburbia. Not to be fucked with.

CHAPTER 3

PARTY JAPANESE

WAIWAIN IHONGO

Let’s party

asobō

If you think about it, partying has a lot to do with slang. When you loosen your tie after a hard day’s work, you have the opportunity to loosen up your tongue as well. That’s why the best places to hear and speak Japanese slang are clubs and drinking establishments.

< ARE YOU UP FOR…

. . .ittoku

. . .some karaoke?

karaoke. . .

. . .another drink?

mō ippai. . .

. . .staying out all night?

ōru. . .

. . .another rail?

rain, mō ippon. . .

< C’MON, LET’S…

shiyōze. . .

…do something!

nanka. . .

…drink at my house!

orenchi de nomikai. . .

…play a drinking game!

nomi gēme. . .

…do some partying!

tonikaku asobu koto ni. . .

…raise the roof!

iei iei. . .

…take it easy tonight.

kon’a wa mattari. . .

…hit on some guys.

gyaku nan. . .

…hit on some girls.

nanpa. . .

. . .smoke some weed and shit.

happa suttari. . .

. . .take a break.

chotto kyūkei ni. . .

< I WANNA…

. . .tai na

. . .meet some new people.

atarashī tomodachi tsukuri. . .

. . .go somewhere else.

hoka no tokoro itte mi. . .

. . .blow this pop stand.

koko o dete iki. . .

. . .score a man.

otoko o kudoki. . .

. . .score a woman.

onna o kudoki. . .

. . .go home early.

hayaku kaeri. . .

Whatcha up to?

ima nani shiteru?

Whatcha up to?

ima nani shiteru

Are you busy tonight?

kon’a isogashī

I’m totally bored stupid.

maji chō hima dayo

Whatcha wanna do?

dō suru

I dunno… What you wanna do?

ūn dō suru

Anyway, let’s party.

tonikaku asobō

Bring it on!

yosshā

Getting down

nori nori

Do you want to know what is the single sexiest thing about somebody you meet at a club—the essential element that sets them apart from every other piece of tail on the dance floor? The fact that they are having a good time. You wanna be sexy? Then have a good time, dammit—right now! Then tell everybody about it, using the following phrases:

< TONIGHT I…

. . .kon’ya wa

. . .am in the mood to party!

. . .nori nori daze

. . .am getting my groove on.

. . .nori ni notteru

. . .am ready for anything.

. . .yaru ki manman

. . .am having a great time!

. . .moriagatteru

. . .will take this party higher!

. . .tenshon o dondon ageru zo

. . .will stay up all night.

. . .ōru suru zo

Taking it easy

mattari

Not every night can be a party night. That’s why they have Blockbuster nights. Actually, in Japan they would be called “Tsutaya nights”—if they weren’t already called mattari. So go get a romantic comedy and a bucket of green tea ice cream, wiggle under the kotatsu, and have yourself a good mattari.

< TONIGHT I. . .

kon’a wa. . .

. . .am beat.

. . .darī na

. . .don’t feel like doing shit.

. . .nani mo shitakunē

. . .feel like taking it easy.

. . .mattari shitai kibun

. . .am gonna eat and go to sleep.

. . .meshi kutte neru

. . .am just gonna veg out at home.

. . .ie de goro goro shiteru wa

. . .wanna watch videos or something.

. . .bideo demo mitai

Funny shit

ukeru koto

In spite of the stereotype, Japanese folks have a great sense of humor. You’re going to have plenty of shit to laugh about, so you might as well learn how to do it right:

<…IS/ARE HILARIOUS!

. . .mecha ukeru

His/her outfit. . .

aitsura no fukusō. . .

Everything you say. . .

omae no iu koto. . .

His/her face. . .

aitsura no kao. . .

This movie. . .

kono eiga . . .

The way you dance. . .

omae no odorikara. . .

<…MAKE(S) ME LOSE MY SHIT!

. . .waratchau

Just looking at them. . .

aitsura no kao o miru dake de. . .

Your stupid jokes. . .

omae no kudaranai gyagu. . .

They always. . .

aitsura no koto wa itsumo. . .

Cool shit

omoroi koto

Omoroi is your all-purpose word for interestingness. You can use it to describe how funny it was when your friend got drunk and fell into a sewer ditch, or how enamored you are by the music of David Hasselhoff, or how you were moved by an exhibit at the Hiroshima War Memorial. Anything you find appealing is omoroi. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s omoroi.

< FUNNY / COOL / FASCINATING

omoroi

This movie is great.

kono eiga omoroi nā

Japanese folks are funny.

nihonjin tte omoroi yone

Take me somewhere fun.

dokka omoroi toko ni

tsuretette

Do you know any cool

clubs?

dokka omoroi kurabu

shiranai

That’s one funky hairdo.

sono kamigata kanari

omoroi ne

You are a real fun kid.

anta omoroi ko dane

Where Japanese people

get down

Nihonjin no asobikata

Japanese kids don’t go to “bars.” Actually, they do—just not as often as they go to other places, like karaoke or clubs. Here’s a list of different ways that Japanese folks get stupid:

< IZAKAYA

The standard Japanese drinking establishment. It’s basically a cross between a bar and a restaurant. Most of your drinking will be done in one of these.

That izakaya has shitty food but the drinks are cheap.

asoko no izakaya wa meshi ga mazui kedo sake ga yasui kara

< KARAOKE

Small, private karaoke rooms rented by the hour.

Yesterday we sang every Beatles song in the karaoke joint. kinō wa karaoke de bītoruzu no zenkyoku utatte shimatta

< KURABU

Loud music and drinks. Often categorized by the type of music being DJed: Hip-hop club, Reggae club, Punk club.

Do you know a good club for picking up rich, handsome men?

kanemochi no ikemen o getto dekisō na kurabu shitteru

< GĒSEN

A video game arcade. Swallow your pride, man—nothing beats a good game of drunken Tekken.

Last night I got so drunk I wound up playing Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade. kinō wa nomisugite gēsen de danrebo nanka yatchattā

< FAMIRESU

Short for “family restaurant,” this implies Denny’s or some other chain restaurant. They have much better food than their American counterparts and serve alcohol! Often open 24 hours, for when a night gets really sloppy.

Let’s wait for the first train at a family restaurant. famiresu de asaichi no densha o matō

< MANGA KISSA

A twenty-four-hour Internet café/comic book library. Pay by the hour to read, watch movies, obsessively frag, send drunken mass e-mails, or just sleep until the morning train. Not a party place, per se, but a good place to kill time between parties. Free soft drinks.

There’s nothing to do till the club opens up—wanna hit up a manga kissa? kurabu ga aku made yarukoto nai kara manga kissa demo ittemiru

< BĀ, NOMIYA

A Western-style bar, specializing in alcohol rather than food.

< SUNAKKU

A bar with flirty waitresses. Middle-aged dudes love these places,

but they charge you up the yin-yang for a half-assed cocktease.

< HOSUTESU KURABU

An expensive bar with younger girls who will drink with you and sometimes more, depending on your wallet and your demeanor.

< HOSUTESU KURABU

Ladies, don’t feel objectified! You, too, can pay to drink with handsome young men who might even chomp your box for a nominal fee!

< SUTORIPPU

A titty bar.

< NOMIKAI

A party.

Usually takes place at an izakaya (see page 46).

< ENKAI

Same as nomikai, but usually celebrating a specific thing.

< HANAMI

Spread out a picnic blanket beneath the cherry blossoms, and watch everyone proceed to drink until said picnic blanket is a kaleidoscopic Jackson Pollock of chunder.

< DONKĪ

Welcome to Don Quixote, the Japanese Wal-Mart. Not a place you want to go party at, but it’s open 24 hours and you can always find some interesting folks wandering the aisles at 3 a.m.

< NIJIKAI

The after party. This can be held at any of the above establishments, and often involves missing your train, puking on your friend’s shoes, and hitting on nameless coworkers.

< GŌKON / KOMPA

A dude invites his male friends, and a girl invites her female friends, and everybody gets drunk and feels each other out. At some point the girls go to the bathroom and decide who gets who. Basically it’s an institutionalized version of Friday night at the bar.

< ŌRU

This means “Fuck the last train, we’re drinking till morning,” and it happens more often than not.

< YAMANOTE SEN GĒMU

A drinking game where you go around in a circle and say the names of stations on the Yamanote Line. When somebody fucks up, they drink. There are a million other themes for this, like the names of prefectures or names of foreign actresses.

< ŌSAMA GĒMU

This is basically the Japanese equivalent of “Truth or Dare.” Kind of childish and dumb, unless you’re drunk enough that it’s right on your level.

Booze

sake

Bacchus has his own language. Mostly it consists of slurred confessions about how much you love your friends, but there are other Bacchanalian vocabules that you won’t be embarrassed of the next morning:

< CHEERS TO...!

ni kampai

. . .this beautiful country!

kono utsukushī kuni. . .

. . .the kindness of Japanese people!

nihonjin no shinsetsusa. . .

. . .recovering from alcoholism!

aruchū ga naotta koto. . .

. . .all my ex-wives (husbands)!

mototsuma (motodanna) tachi. . .

. . .brew!

mugishu. . .

How about a drink?

ippai ikaga

You got beer on tap?

nama bīru arimasuka

“Beer on tap” in Japan implies a light pilsner.

A pint of beer, please.

namachū kudasai

Namachū is the standard beer order—a medium-sized (pint) glass from the tap.

Know somewhere we can drink a microbrew?

dokka jibīru nomeru mise wakaru

You probably need to go up into the mountains, to a hot spring or ski resort, to find a good microbrew.

I want to learn more about saké.

ponshu ga motto kuwashiku naritai

Ponshu is short for nipponshu, or “Japanese booze.” The word sake tends to be a general term for booze.

Hot saké gets me fucked up, man.

atsukan wa mechakucha yō kara na

Astukan is heated saké, usually drunk in the winter, and usually cheaper than the drier saké you drink cold.

Why don’t you shotgun that saké?

soko no ponshu o ikkinomi shitara

There’s not a lot of beer-bonging in Japan, but you do get a lot of good old-fashioned chugging.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

ikki ikki ikki

This is what you yell while people chug chug chug.

Let’s drink until the last train.

shūden made nomō ze

…which ain’t all that late in Tokyo.

I’m gonna drink till it comes back up!

ribāsu suru made nomu dē

Hilariously enough, they call puking “reversing.”

If you’re going to barf, do it in the toilet. gero tchaunnara toire de yare

< OTHER DRINKS THAT JAPANESE PEOPLE ENJOY:

Shōchū (potato liquor—drunk by the pros)

< Chūhai (a cocktail with shōchū)

〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈A DRINKING SONG〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉

NOMIUTA

Ra-ra-raccoon balls, see them sway

Even on a windless day

And when Papa Raccoon spied

These balls he laughed till he cried

And his own balls swung side to side.

tan tan tanuki no kintama wa

kaze mo nai noni yura yura

sore o miteita oya danuki

hara o kakaete wa hha hha

chōshi o awasete yura yura

Fucked-up-edness

deisui

Whatever, man—you aren’t going to remember any of these vocabulary words when you’re sprawled out on the tatami mats breathing fire. But I guess maybe this will make for some nice hangover retrospection as you sit there trying to remember what happened last night.

< I’M STARTING TO GET…

. . .shite kichatta

. . .buzzed.

horoyoi. . .

. . .a little tipsy—oh no!

yabai chotto fura fura. . .

. . .a bit drunk.

yopparatta kanji ga. . .

. . .sick.

hakike. . .

< I AM…

. . .ni nattekita

. . .smashed.

beron beron. . .

. . .really trashed.

mō guden guden. . .

. . .three sheets to the wind.

chō deisui jyōtai. . .

Yesterday I got so smashed I was hitting on girls in the train.

kinō nanka beron beron ni natte densha no naka de nanpa shimakuri

Don’t try talking to him—he’s already three sheets to the wind.

aitsu wa mō chō deisui jyōtai nanode hanashi kakenai hō ga ī ze

Yesterday I totally drunk-dialed my own sister.

kinō sa jibun no ane ni yopparatte denwa nanka kakechimatta

Hi, my name’s Nancy, and I’m an alcoholic.

konnichiwa watashi wa nanshī to īmasu aru chū desu

Weed

happa

If you’ve been in Japan for more than a couple days, you’ve probably noticed an elementary school kid or middle-aged lady sporting a marijuana-emblazoned T-shirt. This doesn’t mean that said woman or child is down with the 420. On the contrary, it probably means that they have no idea what bud is. This is how pot works in Japan: you don’t talk about it except with folks who do it. Kind of like swinging in America. Anyway, there are plenty of people in Japan who enjoy a puff before a night on the town, and quite a few who enjoy more puffs than that. One caveat, though: outside of Hokkaido, Japanese weed is really bad—and I don’t just say that because I’m from Oregon. Especially in Tokyo, you usually wind up with this turdy black hash that looks and smokes like some hippie just scraped it out of his homemade Fimo pipe. Note: Not to harsh anyone’s stony mellow, but the laws in Japan in regard to possession and distribution of bud is not friendly. So follow your natural sense of paranoia when smoking.

What do Japanese folks think about marijuana?

nihonjin wa marifana ni tsuite dō omotteiru

I heard that bud grows wild up in Hokkaido.

hokkaido de wa taima ga shizen ni haeru tte kītandakedo

You know where I can get some trees around here?

dokka kusa ga te ni hairu tokoro wakaru

Don’t you have anything other than hash?

choko igai no mono wa nai no

I didn’t bring a piece.

paipu motte kitenai wa

Wanna take some bong rips?

baburā de suttee miyō ka

I’m getting a little stoned.

chotto raritte kita na

Shit, I’m really fucking baked.

yabai ore itchatte iru wa

Check him out—he’s stoned out of his mind.

hora aitsu raripappa nandaze

I’ve got the munchies something fierce.

ore wa kanari manchitteru

Coke

kōku

They do have cocaine in Japan, I guess. At least you often hear folks talking about it. You also see news reports about wayward cops dealing it and celebrities getting pulled over with blow all over their dashboard—just like in America! So, for what it’s worth, here’s my understanding of Scarface parlance as it is spoken in contemporary Tokyo.

You know where I can get me some of that white powder? shiroi kona ga te ni hairu toko wakaru

Cut me up a big, fat line.

omoikkishi futē rain o hītoite kure

Let’s go into the bathroom for a bump.

chotto toire itte snitte kukka

I’m not going to be in Japan long, so I don’t need you to hook me up with a dealer.

nihon ni wa nagaku iru tsumori wa nainde bainin no shōkai wa iranai

Are all Japanese comedians on coke? nihon no owarai san wa minna kōku yatten’no

CHAPTER 4

BODY JAPANESE

The Japanese ideal

nihonjin no risō

The Japanese ideal is a little different than the American ideal, but probably not all that different. I mean, in Africa they like girls with elongated labia, and in Europe I’ve heard it’s cool for guys to wear those weenie soccer shoes.

< HE/SHE HAS…

kare/kanojo wa. . .

. . .a small head

. . .atama ga chīsai

. . .a slender face

. . .kao ga hosoi

. . .round eyes

. . .kurikuri me

. . .a short torso and long legs

. . .dōtan chōsoku

. . .a good figure

. . .sutairu ga ī

< HE/SHE IS…

kare/kanojo wa. . .

. . .cute (guys and girls, but mostly girls)

. . .kawaī

. . .pretty (girls)

. . .kirei

. . .beautiful (girls)

. . .utsukushī

. . .hot (guys) or cool (girls)

. . .kakko ī

. . .stylish

. . .oshare

. . .popular with the opposite sex

. . .mote mote

. . .hip

. . .iketeru

. . .slim

. . .surarito shiteiru

. . .skinny

. . .hosoi

. . .clean/kempt

. . .sappari shiteiru

The Japanese ugly

nijon no busaiku

< HE/SHE HAS A…

kare/kanojo wa. . .

. . .big head

. . .atama ga ōkī

. . .round face

. . .kao ga marui

. . .narrow eyes

. . .kitsune me

. . .long torso and short legs

. . .dōnaga tansoku

. . .bad figure

. . .sutairu ga warui

< HE/SHE IS…

kare/kanojo wa. . .

. . .ugly (guys and girls)

. . .busaiku

. . .ugly (girl)

. . .busu

. . .ugly (guy)

. . .gesu

. . .lame

. . .dasai

. . .unpopular with the opposite sex

. . .motenai

. . .unhip

. . .iketenai

. . .husky

. . .kobutori

. . .chubby

. . .potchari

. . .fat

. . .debu

. . .chunky

. . .debuccho

. . .dirty/disheveled

. . .kitanai

< OTHER BODY TYPES:

HE/SHE IS…

kare/kanojo wa. . .

. . .little (not just height—altogether small)

. . .kogara

. . .ripped

. . .gottsui

. . .delicate

. . .kyasha

. . .tanned

. . .hiyake shiteiru

. . .pale

. . .aojiroi

. . .scrawny

. . .gari gari shiteiru

. . .hunched over (bad posture)

. . .nekoze

. . .short

. . .chibikko

. . .hairy

. . .kemoja

Looks like you’re getting a bit of a beer belly there.

chotto bīruppara ga dekita mitai dane

I gotta go on a diet.

daietto shinakya

Japanese people have square asses.

nihonjin wa ketsu ga shikakui

Check out my sixpack!

hora fukkin wareteru daro

I need to shave my bikini line.

bikini rain o soranakya

Man, you are totally ripped!

omae kin’niku mori mori jan

Piss

shonben

If you’re ever looking for someplace to drink in Tokyo, there’s a creepy chain of bars called Seiryūmon where, if you go in the men’s room and stand in front of the urinal, it starts laughing at you, and then the urinal actually starts moving around so that you have to really make a concerted effort to grip and aim if you don’t want to piss all over your new Japanese shoes.

I wanna go pee.

oshikko shitai

I gotta take a leak.

shonben shitē

I am experiencing an urge to make urine.

nyōi ga sashite mairimashita

Lets piss together!

tsureshon shiyō ze

I pissed all over my hands.

te ni shonben o kakechatta

I am a pathetic bed wetter.

watashi wa shō mo nai onesho desu

Check out that drunk businessman pissing in public!

hora yopparai rīman ga tachishon shiteru

Shit

kuso

Personally, I think that poo is pretty funny. Farting is funnier, but poo is pretty damn hilarious. So I must say that I was deeply disappointed to find that the average Japanese person really isn’t that entertained by dookie. They just don’t have the weird Judeo-Christian taboo about excretion that makes it so funny to us. You can take a Japanese girl on a first date to an expensive Italian restaurant and she will gaze at you over the candles and flowers and Château Duchebage and say, “I’ve got mad diarrhea today”—AND IT WON’T BE FUNNY. Trust me, it took me a lot of failed potty talk to learn this lesson. Play your giggles off like you’re just about to sneeze or something.

I need to poop.

unko shitai

I gotta take a dump.

kuso shitē

I’ve got nasty diarrhea.

yabai geri shiteru

I’m peeing out my ass today.

kyō wa geripī shitemāsu

I’m been super constipated lately.

saikin wa mecha bempi de sā

Check out the curlicue turd! *

hora makiguso ga aru do

* The curlicue turd is a sort of icon in modern Japan. It looks like the picture above.

Don’t forget to wipe.

fuku no o wasurezu ni na

Dude, you smell like crap.

omae unchi kusē na

You’re such a dung beetle.

kono funkorogashi

“Dung beetle” is a really funny word in Japanese because it literally means “poop-roller”—in other words, somebody who pushes these big balls of turd around all day.

Sorry man, I just dropped a pretty stinky duce.

sakki kanari kusai unchi shichattandakedo gomen na

Farts

onara

You couldn’t pick a better language to fart in than Japanese. This is because Japanese has a lot of onomatopoeia—words that represent sounds. But before we get to the action fart sounds, let’s get the basics down:

Who farted!

onara shita no wa doitsu da

I just cut the cheese.

he koichimatta de

Why do I so relish the smell of my own farts?

jibun no onara no nioi ga kon’nanimo konomashī no wa

naze de arō

Somebody must have let one slip.

dareka ga morashitanda na

Damn, you’re like a suicide bomber with your gas today!

yabē omae kyō wa jibaku tero no yō na onara da na

< SPECIALTY FARTS

Somebody was pulling some nasty one-cheek sneaks during that meeting.

dareka ga kaigichū ni yabē sukashippe o morashiteta

The word sukashippe literally means “transparent fart,” and roughly corresponds to the English “silent-but-violent” or “one-cheek sneak.” The lady next to you on the airplane is an expert at them.

And for your present I got you… a cup of tea!

hai kimi no purezento wa nigirippe dā

An integral part of Japanese etiquette, the nigirippe involves farting into your hand and then carrying the fart into the proximity of a friend’s nose before unfurling your fingers and asking, in a smarmy British accept, “Cup o’ tea, gov’ner?”

Somebody just pulled a drive-by on us!

aitsu ni he no morashinige sarechimatta

This is pretty self-explanatory. Also known as a “hit-and-run,” this is when you fart right before getting off an elevator or leaving a room. The sheer cowardice of the act leaves a sour enough smell in the air.

Below are several examples of classic Japanese fart noises. Each of these words has its own unique meaning and lyrical value. Try saying them out loud in order to really feel what kinds of fart they stand for. Then feel kind of weird for farting with your mouth.

I just let…

. . .tte onara shita

. . .a healthy, bubbly fart

buri buri. . .

. . .a fluffier, loofah fart

bufu. . .

. . .the classic, enunciated fart

pū. . .

< BUSUN

bu is the sound of the initial pop, while sun portrays the subsequent hiss. So it’s like the dike breaks, and then the water flows out.

< BUĪ

Pronounced “bwweee,” it’s one of those farts where you try to play it off like a stomach-whistle but then you realize that you’ve totally fumed the room.

< SUKĀ

A whisperer. See sukashippe above.

< SUSU

The double whisper, for when it takes two puffs to blow out the candle in your pants.

< BŌ

A rumbler. Like when you’re sitting in a wooden chair and the gas is just whapping out of your ass.

< BERI BERI

Like buriburi above, but wetter. Pasty.

< PUKYŪ

A tight, well-pronounced fart. No legs are lifted, but rather the fart is pressed through the cheeks like pasta.

< BUBIN

The octave. One of those farts that begins as a deep rumble but quickly crescendos into a falsetto snap.

In Japan, the blame for bad gas falls on the consumption of potatoes rather than beans. Namely, sweet potatoes. They are said to give one’s gut a particularly good carbonating.

But farting feels good—and if it’s good to you, it’s good for you, as the old Japanese proverb says:

One fart is worth a thousand doses of medicine.

he hitotsu wa kusuri senpuku ni mukau.

Snot / boogers / etc.

hanamizu / hanakuso / sonota

Perhaps you noticed that the Japanese word for “booger” (hanakuso ) is just a compound of the word for “nose” and the word for “shit.” Put them together, and you got “noseshit.” Likewise, the words for “earwax” and “eyegunk” (also introduced in this section) are compound words for “earshit” and “eyeshit” respectively.

Hey, stop picking your nose.

kora hana hojiru na

Don’t just stand there with snot coming out your nose.

hana tarashitenjanēyo

Dude, don’t wipe your boogers on me!

oi jibun no hanakuso o hito ni tsukeru na yo

I get most of my vitamins from eating boogers.

boku wa daitai hanakuso o kutte eiyō o totteirunda

Don’t you think this booger looks like your mom?

kono hanakuso tte temē no kāchan ni nitenē

You got a Kleenex?

tisshu aru

I’ve got a bloody nose.

hanaji ga deta

He was covered in blood.

aitsu wa chimamire datta

Check out this bountiful harvest of earwax!

mite kono mimikuso no hōfu na shūkaku

You’re sporting some mad eyegunk.

omae sugē mekuso ga tsuiteru

Shit, I got a zit on my ass.

yabai ketsu ni nikibi ga dekita

You should pop your zits, man.

omae nikibi o tsubushita hō ga ī zo

A shitload of pus came out!

sugē umi ga deta

I feel like I’m gonna puke.

hakike ga suru

I’m puking my guts out.

ore gero o haki makutteiru

Last night I drank too much and reversed my dinner.

kinō wa nomisugite ribāsu shichatta

I can still smell where he drooled on my pillow.

aitsu ga makura ni yodare o tarashita tokoro ga imada ni niō wa

I could hear him snoring from outside!

aitsu no ibiki wa soto kara kikoerun damon

I dumped her because she grinds her teeth like crazy.

kanojo wa hidoi hagishiri suru kara wakareru koto ni

shitanda

Don’t touch him, he has cooties!

aitsu wa engacho dakara fureru na

Sickness

byōki

When I first got to Japan, I was surprised to find that people became uncomfortable when I told them about getting both the clap and crabs in the same Canadian brothel. I guess the Japanese are a little put off by the whole idea of Canada. But they are very comfortable with talking about health issues, so feel free to let everyone around you know just how rotten you feel:

I feel gross.

kimochi warui

I’m not feeling good lately.

saikin wa dōmo taichō ga yokunai

Dude, you don’t look so good.

omae kaoiro warui zo

You’re looking pale, there.

kao aoi zo

You alright?

daijōbu kai

That girl from the club gave me the clap.

kurabu no ko ni rimbyō o moratcchatta

I think I caught a cold.

kaze o hīta kusai

I have a stomachache.

onaka itai

Looks like you ate some bad sushi.

osushi ni atatta mitai da

I’m having my period.

ima wa seirichū nano

I have pretty heavy periods.

atashi wa seiri ga omoi hō

I’m all hung over today.

kyō wa futsukayoi nanda

I’ve got a headache.

zutsū ga suru

Call a doctor.

ishi o yobe

Get me some painkiller.

itamidome o kure

CHAPTER 5

HORNY JAPANESE

ERO ERO NIHONGO

Fucking

etchi

No disrespect to the indigenous peoples of Canada or anything, but we English speakers have so many sundry and baroque idioms for “fucking” that it makes Inuits and their multitude of words for snow sound like a Speak & Spell that’s running out of batteries. Likewise Japan has no shortage of idioms for dipping the old California Roll, depending on how obscure and offensive you want to get. So for brevity’s sake what follows will be the “bare bones” of Japanese sexual parlance (and yes, that’s a double entendre).

I’m getting in the mood to…

. . .ki ni natte kita

Let’s go home and…

ie ni kaette … koto ni shiyō

How ’bout it we…

...no wa dō

All you ever do is…

. . .koto shika shinai na

. . .fuck

yaru. . .

. . .fuck like rabbits

yarimakuru. . .

. . .get it on

etchi suru. . .

. . .have a quickie

ippatsu kamasu. . .

. . .hit that shit; bone

hameru. . .

. . .hump

omanko suru. . .

Genitalia, etc.

seiki nado

Remember how in high school you learned to sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” in Spanish? Remember playing a game of good old “Simon says touch your cabeza”? Turns out, this wasn’t just lighthearted fun—professors of applied linguistics tell us that by touching the various parts of your body while saying their corresponding names out loud, you actually internalize a new language better. It’s called “tactile learning,” and I encourage you to try it with the following section. Simon says touch your chimpoko…

Touch my…

. . .sawatte

Lick my…

. . .namete

Spank my…

. . .tataite

Be gentle with my…

. . .teinei ni atsukatte

Can I touch your…

. . .sawatte mo ī

〈〈〈〈〈〈〈A THRONG OF DONGS〉〉〉〉〉〉〉

tiny dick

tanshō, tanchiin

limp dick

fu’nyachin

big dick

dekachin

huge cock

kyokon,k yochin

hung like a horse

umanami

Can I lick your…

. . .namete mo ī

Can I spank your…

. . .tataite mo ī

Can I take a picture of your…

. . .no shashin o totte ī

Don’t touch my…

. . .sawaru na

I love…

. . .daisuki

That is one (those are some) fantastic…

sore wa rippa na … da

I’ve never seen a … like that.

sonna … mita koto nai

cock

chin chin

Johnson

chinko

dick

chimpo

wiener

chimpoko

head

kitō

the rim of the head

kari

(the chin, if you will—basically another word for the head)

nuts

tamatama

nads

kintama

ballsack

fuguri

pubes (male)

chinge

〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈A MESS OF BREASTS〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉

concave breasts

otsu’nyū

breastless

mu’nyū

flat-chested

hin’nyū

barely breasted

binyū

medium-breasted

chū’nyū

ample-breasted

hō’nyū

big tits

kyō’nyū

ginormous tits

baku’nyū

beautiful tits

bi’nyū

fake tits

kyo’nyū

mangina (male asshole)

ketsu manko

pussy

manko

cunt

manman

hairy pussy

kemeko

shaved pussy

paipan

clit

kuri

clit

mame

G-spot

jī supo

pussy lips

bira bira

tits

oppai

nipples

chikubi

nips

bī chiku

pubes (female)

mange

pussy juice

aieki

ass

ketsu

asshole

ketsu ana

anus

anaru

perineum

ari no towatari

(Literally, the Japanese word evokes a line of ants crawling out one hole, across a small patch of turf, and down into another, god bless them.)

Sexual acts

seikōi

You might not know what all these things mean in English, but that shouldn’t stop you from learning them in Japanese. I mean, what better way to get acquainted with your own native “tongue” than by learning how to say “analingus” in Japanese?

I want to do some…

. . .ga shitai

Wanna try…

. . .yatte miyō ka

Have you ever done…

. . .yatta koto aru

I like…

. . .ga suki

I’m tired of…

. . .akite kita

kissing

kisu

petting

pettingu

dry-humping

sumata

finger-banging

teman

cunnilingus

kunni

fellatio

fera

playing the skin flute

shakuhachi

swallowing

gokkun

facial

gansha

sitting on face

gammen kijō

sixty-nine

shikkusu nain

titty-fucking

paizuri

missionary style

seijōi

doggy-style

bakku

woman on top

kijōi

hard fucking

pisuton undō

(literally: “piston motion”)

threesome

sanpī

group sex

rankō

bondage

esu emu

SM

anal sex

anaru

sex on the rag

kechaman

(literally, “ketchup pussy”)

female ejaculation

shiofuki

scat

sukatoro

enema

kanchō

golden shower

gammen shawā

bukkake (skeet skeet skeet)

bukkake

(If you don’t know about bukkake, a uniquely Japanese kink until the World Wide Web globalized it, you probably haven’t been watching enough Japanese porn. “Ceremonial cum drinking” doesn’t really get the concept across. Google it if you must.)

Do it…

motto. . .

. . .faster.

. . .hayaku

. . .slower.

. . .yukkuri

. . .harder.

. . .hageshiku

. . .softer.

. . .yasashiku

. . .more.

. . .yatte

I’m coming!

iku iku!

Aside from “hello” and “goodbye,” this will be the most useful Japanese phrase you ever learn—if you happen to be a highly attractive and outgoing individual with an indefatigable libido. Otherwise, you’ll probably have to pull this book out mid-coitus and look the word up.

This hurts.

itaiwa

This feels really good.

mecha kimochi ī

I’m starting to get off.

kimochi yoku nattekita

I want to come.

ikitai

I’m about to come.

ikisō

I’m coming!

iku iku

Where do you want it?

doko ni hoshī

Come in my ass!

ketsusha shite

I just came.

itchatta

Do you have a…?

. . .aru

Let’s try using a…

. . .tsukatte miyō ka

. . .condom

gomu. . .

. . .dildo

harigata. . .

. . .double dildo

unagi. . .

. . .bullet (egg) vibrator

pinku rōta. . .

. . .vibrator

baibu. . .

Do you like my fingers or your vibrator better?

ore no yubi to baibu to,d otchi ga ī?

I’m going to…

. . .shichau

I want to…

. . .shitai

You won’t…?

. . .shinai no

. . .get a hard-on

bokki. . .

. . .have a wet dream

musei. . .

. . .lob (have a half-boner)

handachi. . .

. . .beat off (male)

shiko shiko. . .

. . .masturbate (male and female*)

onanī . . .

* Japanese lacks a mainstream slang word specific to female masturbation, though there’s no shortage of private slang terms that groups of women use among themselves.

queef

manpe

coming onto tits

paisha

coming in an ass

ketsusha

< PEOPLE COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES

People come in every color of the rainbow. People come in different sizes and shapes. People come in all sorts of people—at different speeds, with varying degrees of intensity, in an eclectic assortment of orifices, on any number of occasions, and employing a vast arsenal of manual and motorized tools. People make the world go round, is basically what I’m trying to say—so let’s take a look at the different sorts of people that people come in.

I’m a bit of a… (female).

atashi chotto … nano

I’m a bit of a… (male).

ore … na tokoro ga arunda

You seem like a…

anta … ppoi na

Are you a…?

… nano

slut

yariman

cheap fuck

katsugaru

lucky snatch

ageman

(a woman who, when you sleep with her, makes your luck and general status in life change for the better)

unlucky snatch

sageman

(a woman who, when you sleep with her, sucks all the luck out of you)

virgin

shojo

dead fish

maguro

(a girl who doesn’t take an active role in lovemaking)

MILF

hitodzuma

bull dike

baritachi

lipstick lesbian

barineko

dirty whore

abazure

callgirl

kōrugāru

player, pimp

yarichin

quickdraw

mikosuri han

(premature ejaculator—literally, “three and a half strokes”)

〈〈〈〈〈〈〈〈LET’S HAVE A QUICKIE〉〉〉〉〉〉〉〉

IPPATSU KAMASOU

What is it, honey?

dōshita no dārin

I’m feeling kinda horny.

etchi na kibun ni natchatta

I want it now. I’m so horny.

ima hoshī. yokkyū ni natchauyō.

For real? Here?

maji de? konna tokoro de?

Yeah. Why not?

un. yoku nāai?

Alright then, get ready for some alley head.

jā. tachi kunni shite yaru.

Ah! This is so embarrassing!

kya! hazui.

Damn, girl, you’re all about it, today, with this little G-string on. nanda. tībakku haitenjan,o mae sōtō yaru ki manman janē kā yo.

These are my “strictly business” panties. I shaved down there.

shōbu shitagi nanōo. paipan shichatta no.

You’re all smooth.

nanka tsuru tsuru

Lick my clit! Ah! Right there!

kuri chan nametēe. a! soko soko!

Your cunt is drenched.

omae no manman, mō chō gucho gucho dayo.

Your cock. It’s so hard. I want to suck it for you.

ochin chin. nanka sugoku. bin bin shiteru. watashi ga namete ageru.

I’m gonna stick my hot rod so deep into you.

motto oku made ore no atsui no wo irete ageru yō.

God, I can’t take it anymore! Put it in!!! P—please!

mō damē gaman dekinaīi. naka ni irete. ho...hoshī

Fuck. I’m about to come already.

yabai. ore, mō ikisō.

What? Seriously? Premature ejaculation?

e? maji de? moshiya sōrō?

I’m . . . I’m going to come! Where do you want it?

ore mō dechau yo. doko ni hoshī?

I want to drink it.

gokkun shitai no.

I’m gonna rope all over your face.

gasha shite yarū.

Ah, it’s so hot. Yummmm!

ā atsui. oishī.

Man, I love that dirty sex.

maji konna hentai purei tte chō kimochi ī.

premature ejaculation

sōrō

impotent

impo

horny bastard

etchi

sadist

sado

masochist

mazo

pervert

sukebe

foot fetishist

ashi-fetchi

CHAPTER 6

ANGRY JAPANESE

MUKA MUKA NIHONGO

Enemies

teki

The old axiom holds true in any country: for every good soul there are two assholes driving slow in the passing lane. So I guess it makes sense that there are twice as many ways to describe personality flaws as there are to compliment somebody.

Boss

buchō

My boss is a total fucking asshole.

uchi no buchō wa maji mukatsuku

Ex-boyfriend

motokare

My ex-boyfriend was seriously evil.

atashi no motokare wa hontō ni

saiaku na yatsu datta

Ex-girlfriend

motokano

My ex-girlfriend was a slutty bitch.

ore no motokano wa shō mo nē yariman datta

Stalker

sutōkā

Seriously, I’ve got like three stalkers right now, and it’s

driving me nuts.

maji de sutōkā ga sannin mo ite sa komatteru no yo

Sex predator

chikan

A sex predator tried to feel me up on the subway.

chikatetsu de chikan ni atte,a tai no mune o sawarō to

shiteita no

Cheapskate

kechi

My old man is a stingy bastard.

uchi no oyaji wa dai no kechi da

Lazy bitch

guzu

My old lady is a lazy bitch who sits around watching daytime TV.

ofukuro wa guzu de sa waidoshō bakkari miteyagaru

Mother-in-law

giri no okāsan

My mother-in-law is the devil.

giri no okāsan wa onibaba da

Lawyer

bengoshi

Lawyers kind of suck, don’t they?

bengoshi tte amari ī inshō nai yo ne

Politician

seijika

I wonder if Japanese politicians are as dirty as American ones?

nihon no seijika wa amerika no seijika hodo kitanai no kashira

Cops

satsu

The cops keep picking on me because I’m a foreigner. gaijin dakara satsu ni ayashimarete bakkari da

Smacktalk

waruguchi

Oh my god, did you hear her Japanese slang? She sounded like a total tourist bitch! She must spend so much time on that skanky hairdo that she doesn’t have time to study up on her Japanese smacktalk. The polite little slut.

He/she is such a liar.

aitsu wa usotsuki da

He/she totally thinks he’s the shit.

aitsu wa chōshi ni notteiru yo ne

He/she must think he/she is too cool for school. aitsu wa jibun no koto o mecha kakkō ī to omottendaro

He/she is such an asshole.

aitsu wa kanji warui kara

Oh my god, he/she is so creepy.

aitsu wa hontō ni kimoindakara

He/she has been talking shit about me.

aitsu wa ore no warukuchi o itteiru

He/she always stands me up at the last minute. aitsu wa itsumo dotakyan suru

He/she is so self-centered.

aitsu wa chō jikochū da

He/she is no fun at all.

aitsu wa tsumannai yatsu da

All she ever does is hang out with her boyfriend.

anoko kareshi to asonde bakka damon

He/she is totally a Benedict Arnold.

aitsu wa uragirimono da

We used to be friends, but not anymore.

mukashi wa tsurundeta kedo ima wa sappari da ne

He/she pisses me off.

aitsu wa atama ni kurun da

Oh my god, I cannot stand him/her!

maji mukatsuku aitsu

He/she really gets on my nerves.

aitsu maji uzē

We’ll never make up.

nakanaori wa mō muri da na

I never want to see them again.

mō nido to aitakunai

Getting pissed off

mukatsuku

When something pisses you off, it’s really important to be able to express that anger, because otherwise your eyes will roll back into your head and you’ll never be able to see again.

He/she…

aitsu. . .

His/her attitude…

aitsu no taido. . .

His/her face…

aitsu no kao. . .

The way he/she talks…

aitsu no shaberikata. . .

Everything…

nani mo kamo. . .

You…

omae. . .

Fat Americans…

debu na amejin. . .

…piss(es) me off.

. . .mukatsuku

…really piss(es) me off!

. . .maji mukatsukū

* The word (maji mukatsukū) sometimes gets abbreviated as “MM,” as in the following:

…bother(s) the hell out of me.

. . .ni hara ga tatsu

…get(s) my tits in a wringer.

. . .wa atama ni kuru wa

…get(s) on my nerves.

. . .ki ni kuwanē

Oh my god, his/her face pisses me off so much. chikushō aitsu no kao chō emu emu da

Snapping

kireru

If Step One of anger is getting pissed off, then Step Two is snapping. The Japanese word for snapping, kireru, means exactly the same thing: the delicate thread suspending your overwrought composure has just snapped in half with an unbecoming twang.

He/she called me fat and I snapped.

aitsu ni debu tte iwarete kireta

He/she looses their shit really easily.

aitsu wa sugu kireru mon

Don’t snap at me!

kireru na yo

Another word you will hear in this context is gyaku gire , which literally means “snapping back”—like when you yell “Fuck you” out the window at a Chinese lady who just cut you off, only to have her blue-haired head come poking out of her Oldsmobile to yell “YEAH, WELL FUCK YOU TOO, MOTHERFUCKER” in a voice that leaves the next four generations of your children in shame.

I tried snapping at my girlfriend, but she just snapped back harder.

kanojo ni kirete mitara gyakugire sarechatta

He/she gave me a dirty look.

aitsu ni gantsuke rareta

You always look pissed off in photographs.

omae shashin de wa itsumo gantsukteteirunda yo na

I just wanna haul off and deck that motherfucker.

bunnagutte yaritē

Fighting

kenka

Ever since World War Two, Japan has been a peaceful country in which the word “fighting” has no meaning. Just kidding! Even though guns are illegal in Japan, a fair amount of shit gets kicked, some of it even memorably violent. My dirty mouth has gotten me black eyes and a busted jaw, plus one time I saw a couple tweakers totally brain a kid with a mountain bike. Oh yeah, and I got a knife pulled on me once in Shinjuku, but that was by a creepy Russian dude. Still, the language barrier often prevents foreigners from getting involved in some of the best bloodletting that the Eight Islands have to offer—so get yourself some good health insurance and try out the following:

You suck.

saitei da omae

Fuck off.

uzēndayo

Motherfucker.

kisama

Asshole.

temē

Leave me the fuck alone.

shitsukēndayo

I hate you.

daikirai

What did you just say!?!

nandatō

Get out of my way.

doke

Go to hell.

shine

Eat shit.

kusokurae

Shut the fuck up.

ussēndayo

What the fuck?

ahoka

You’re worthless.

tsukaenē yatsu dana

You got a problem?

monku akka

Bring it on!

kakatte koi

Stopping a fight

kenka o tomeru

If you ever have one of those rare holiday experiences when a carload of teenage meth-heads roll up on you fully intending to make your jaw a permanent part of the curb, you might have one of those transcendental moments where you realize that Phish isn’t such a horrible band and that John Kerry wasn’t necessary a total pussy for leaving Vietnam to protest war—and before you know it you are saying one or more of the following in an Owen Wilson drawl:

Don’t get your panties all in a knot.

atama o hiyashitoke

Hey, calm the fuck down.

oi ochitsuke yo

Dude, don’t loose your shit like that.

sonna ni kireru na yo

Take a deep breath or something.

shinkokyū demo shiro

You’re all worked up.

kōfun shisugi dayo

Violence is bad.

bōryoku wa ikenai zo

Give peace a chance, man.

heiwa ga ichiban sa

I’m a pacifist.

watashi heiwa shugisha nandesu

Forget about it, man.

hottoke yo

I have nothing to do with this.

kotchi kankei nē yo

Who really gives a fuck?

dōdemo īnjanē ka

Stop it.

yamero

Whatever, man.

katte ni shiro

Call the cops.

keisatsu o yobe

Pigs

satsu

“Pig,” an old-timers’ and high-school wiggers’ word for “cop,” certainly doesn’t apply to all officers of the law. I use the word “pig” here (and the corresponding satsu, which doesn’t describe actual swine) strictly to refer to Japanese cops, who belong to that special category of douchebag that is all douche and no bag. I mean, Japanese cops must have absurdly tiny dicks, because every one of them walks around like they’ve got something huge to prove. Maybe it’s because they didn’t get to go to college and have uninhibited sex, or maybe it’s just because they aren’t allowed to carry guns. Japanese cops are also totally racist, so watch out if you look the least bit foreign. If you happen to be black or Chinese, you might as well just start running the other way.

The pigs are coming.

satsu ga kuru zo

Run away!

nigero

Oh, shit.

yabē

It’s a biker cop!

shirobai da

Hide the shit.

yaku o kakuse

Act like you don’t know shit.

shiranpuri shiro

I don’t know anything.

nani mo shiranainda

Fucking cops.

porikō no aho

CHAPTER 7

POPPY JAPANESE

POPPU NA NIHONGO

Music

ongaku

Speaking objectively, I have to warn you that Japanese pop music is relentlessly horrendous crap. This is a quantified fact, but it’s also one of the world’s great mysteries. I mean, Japanese visual arts are uniformly amazing, right? Japanese fashion is light years ahead of everybody. Japanese cuisine is nothing less than delectable. And Japanese video games have invented the industry. So why is J-Pop so unlistenable? Oh yeah …They don’t have black people in Japan.

Let’s listen to some…

. . .kikō ze

Do you listen to…

. . .wa yoku kiku

Do you know where can I hear some…

. . . o kikeru toko wakaru

J-Pop

jē poppu

At least it’s not reggaeton.

Johnny’s Music

janīzu kei

The Japanese version of “boy bands.” Arashi, Smap, V6, Kinki Kids—these NAMBLA posterchildren make the Backstreet Boys look like they actually have testicles.

Indies

indīzu

Has little in common with “indie rock.” Basically, it’s J-Pop that doesn’t have big-label backing. Mostly awful.

Reggae

regē

Even Japanese kids are rocking the dreads these days. Like white reggae, but even more misguided.

Hip-hop

hippu hoppu

Japan has produced some quality DJs—just don’t give them a mic, and everything will be cool.

Jazz

jazu

Japanese people have great taste in jazz—check out the Tokyo Blue Note.

Soul

sōru

Thank you, Japanese record labels, for reprinting all of my favorite albums. I really appreciate it, but will you stop charging me 3,000 yen a pop?

Rock-n-roll

rokku

The one genre that even Japan can’t fuck up. X Japan forever.

Techno

tekuno

Something tells me that Japan would be pretty good at this, but I don’t know because I don’t listen to poo.

What bands do you like?

sukina bando wa

Who’s your favorite singer?

sukina kashu wa

Show me a cool Japanese band.

nihon no omoshiroi bando o shōkai shite

Do you play any instruments?

nanika gakki wa dekiru

The chorus is really catchy.

sabi no tokoro ga omoroi

I’m really into moshing.

suramu dansu ga daisuki

Comedy

owarai

The best thing about Japanese TV is the comedy shows. Japanese comedians will do just about anything for a laugh, and you don’t have to deal with crappy sketch comedy or stand-up. Being able to understand the jokes is reason enough to learn the language, but it’s also a huge part of the culture. Everyone from kids to adults knows the major comedy groups and their shows, and can riff on their favorite punchlines.

< ESSENTIAL COMEDY WORDS:

What the fuck?

nande yanen

This is the classic response to a joke. If someone makes a bad pun, or pokes fun at you, just look outraged and say “Nande yanen!”

Tsukkomi

tsukkomi

A tsukkomi is a joke at someone’s expense. You notice something funny about someone, and make a tsukkomi about it.

Are you retarded?

ahoka

A very general tsukkomi.

Retard

boke

This is the one the tsukkomi is directed at. All the great Japanese comedians usually come in pairs: one tsukkomi and one boke.

Punch line

ochi

Don’t always expect jokes to have them.

Pun

gyagu

Japanese people have a humorous love/hate relationship with them.

Horrendous pun

oyaji gyagu

The kind that will get your ass thrown in the punitentiary.

Quit it with the shitty puns.

oyaji gyagu iunatchū nen

This story has no punch line!

ochi ga naijan kono hanashi

Stop making fun of me!

sonna ni tsukkomu na

What are you talking about, retard?

nani ittendayo boke

The Major Comedy Acts

omona owarai konbi

…are hilarious.

. . .wa waraeru yone

Downtown

dauntaun

Downtown is the best, not just because they have been around forever but because they are just malicious enough to make you laugh and wince at the same time.

London Boots

ronbū

London Boots hails from Tokyo, and they like to play pranks on unsuspecting people. A lot of it involves catching people who cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends and publicly humiliating them.

Ninety Nine

nainai

Ninety Nine is a lot like Downtown—a duo from Osaka that moved to Tokyo and diversified. Okamura is funny and looks like a chimpanzee, but Downtown is still cooler.

Neptune

nepuchūn

Neptune is a 3-man comedy group, not as raunchy or edgy as some others, although they used to work with a comedian named Becky who is like a prettier, funnier version of Christina Ricci. Becky, will you go to the prom with me?

Akashiya Sanma

sanma san

Akashiya Sanma is the O.G. Japanese comedian. He’s like Johnny Carson. His buckteeth are an icon of the entire Japanese entertainment industry.

Comics and cartoons

manga to anime

Man, some American kids are really into manga and anime! I don’t get what they like about it so much, or why they choose the anime that they do, but are they ever crazy about it. One thing is for sure, though: these kids are enjoying it in an entirely different way than their Japanese counterparts. I’m hoping that the following phrases may help open up a dialogue between the nerd communities of our two great countries so we can solve this mystery once and for all.

moē

A word expressing a nerd’s deep affection for an animated character, or some trait thereof (i.e., the most important word a nerd can know).

I’m so in love with this character’s kitty-cat ears!

kono kyara no nekomimi ni moē

I’m mad about that maid outfit!

ano meidofuku ni moemoe

What character do you get all MOE about?

ichiban moeru kyara tte dāre

< NYYYYERRRRDS

otaku

I’m proud of being a nerd! jibun wa otaku de aru koto o hokori ni omotte imasu

We’re both nerds.

uchira wa otaku dōshi dane

That person is kind of nerdy.

ano hito wa otakkī na kanji

Do you think Japanese is a nerdy nationality? nihonjin wa otakkī na kokumin da to omou

I’m a total … nerd. jibun wa … otaku desu

I’m really into…

. . .ni hamatte imasu

computer

pasokon

anime

anime

comic book

manga

professional wrestling

puroresu

< CARTOONS

anime

Robot anime

robotto anime

These are the staple of Japanese cartoons: Gundam, Mazinger, Macross, Transformers.

Transformation anime

henshin anime

This implies a cartoon where pretty girls transform into superheroes in skimpy clothing: Sailor Moon, Cutie Honey, Pretty Cure, etc.

Studio Ghibli

jiburi anime

Studio Ghibli produces some cartoons that are so good they aren’t even nerdy. Spirited Away and Totoro were big hits overseas, and Nausicaa is still the greatest animated feature ever.

< COMICS

manga

Tachiyomi

Tachiyomi is the practice of standing in a bookstore or convenience store reading the books without ever buying any. A brilliant way to kill time.

I stood reading …for a whole hour!

o ichijikan mo tachiyomi shiteta

Jampu

Jampu is the classic comic periodical, home to such greats as Kinniku Man, Dragon Ball, Slam Dunk, and One Piece.

Magajin

Magajin has published Tensai Bakabon, Kyojin no Hoshi, Goddohando Teru, and Hajime no Ippo.

Nakayoshi

Nakayoshi is a comic periodical for girls, home of Sailor Moon, Kyandī Kyandī, and Ojamajo Doremi.

Ribon

Ribon is the main competitor to Nakayoshi, publishing Chibi Marukochan, GALS!, and Mimi o Sumaseba.

Dōjinshi

Dōjinshi are privately published comic books, a lot of which feature homosexual characters.

Komike

Komike is the annual comic market, a huge event where people come to sell their dōjinshi.

< HERO SHOWS

Power Rangers

gorenjā

The Power Rangers was a remix of this classic Japanese hero show. Spandex, karate, and plotlines bordering on abstractions.

Masked Rider

kamen raidā

The Masked Rider is a guy who transforms into a gigantic superhero on a motorcycle with special grasshopper powers.

Ultraman

urutoraman

Ultraman is the granddaddy of all hero shows. He shoots a “Specium Beam” out of his hand and can fly with jet-propelled boots.

< OTHER ANIME / MANGA RELATED ACTIVITIES

Cosplay

kosupurei

“Cosplay” is the practice of dressing up like your favorite animated characters. It’s like yiffy but not quite as creepy.

Maid cafes

meido kissa

This is a café where guys go to be served by girls dressed up in maid outfits, like the girls in a comic book.

Butler cafes

shitsuji kissa

Girls, as well, can go have their coffee served by men in butler outfits. It’s only fair.

Action figures

figyua

Action figures are very popular among the otaku crowd. You don’t play with them—you just set them on the top of your bookshelf and sigh, “Moē…”

Plastic models

puramo

Plastic models may be the kind of thing that your dad played with, but in Japan they are still very popular.

Goth/Lolita fashion

gosurori kei

Goth/Lolita fashion is basically just goth for little Japanese girls. Cute and scary, like everything else in Japan.

< FAMOUS QUOTATIONS FROM ANIME AND MANGA:

“Settle down, settle down. Take a breather,

take a breather.” (Ikkyū-san)

awatenai awatenai. hitoyasumi hitoyasumi. (Ikkyū-san)

“A pig that can’t fly is just a plain old pig.” (Crimson Pig)

tobenē buta wa tada no buta da. (kurenai no buta)

“I chastise you, in lieu of the moon!” (Sailor Moon)

tsuki ni kawatte oshioki yo! (sērā mūn)

“Hola, ami-gonad.” (Obotchama-kun)

tomodachinko! (obotchama kun)

“Good enough for me.” (Tensai Bakabon)

korede, ī no da. (tensai bakabon)

Fashion

fasshon

If you take anything home with you from Japan, don’t let it be some crappy oriental bric-a-brac like paper lanterns or teacups. Don’t try to subtly show off your worldliness to your friends with crappy lacquered chopsticks. Take home clothes, man. Tokyo is full of rare vintage garments, shoes you won’t find in America for another decade and denim that makes Diesel look like Faded Glory.

< I WANT TO DRESS…

no fukusō ga shitai

Visual

bijuaru kei

“Visual” fashion is based on eighties hair-band fashion. You may notice that a lot of Japanese rock bands still dress like eighties hair-bands—this is where “Visual” fashion comes from.

Abercrombie

abakuro kei

“Abercrombie” fashion is just what you’d think. In Japan, an Abercrombie shirt is kind of secret code that you’re gay.

Mod

mōdo kei

“Mod” fashion is pretty much the same everywhere.

Vintage

furugi

“Vintage” fashion is an integral part of the Japanese wardrobe.

B

bīkei

“B” stands for “black,” as in “That Japanese dude in the Fubu shoes must think he’s black.”

Gyaru

gyaru kei

“Gyaru” fashion is a uniquely Japanese phenomenon. Shocking blond hair, heavy fake tans, white eye makeup, fluorescent colors and miniskirts of breath-taking scantiness.

Conservative

konsaba kei

“Conservative” fashion stresses basic elegance, avoiding gaudy or trendy clothes. Young businesswomen in Tokyo have this down—clean-cut but sexy.

Young Lady

onē kei

“Young Lady” fashion stems from “Gyaru” fashion. The blond hair, tans, and miniskirts are still there, to some extent, but the color schemes have mellowed into earth tones, and the accessories are brand name. Think of it as “Gyaru” meets “Conservative.”

Military

miritarī kei

“Military” fashion may sound like an oxymoron, but camo jackets and green/gray color schemes make for some stylish outfits.

Gothic

goshikku kei

“Gothic” fashion in Japan is just what you think it is, without the Columbine threat of violence.

Gothic Lolita

gosurori kei

“Gothic Lolita” fashion is creepiness plus cuteness. Like a Tim Burton movie!

< THAT OUTFIT LOOKS REALLY…

sono fukusō wa… dane

stylish

oshare

cute

kawaī

lame

dasai

slutty

eroi

hideous

yabai

< HE/SHE IS SO…

ano hito wa . . . dane

hyper-tanned

ganguro

fair-skinned

bihaku

cool

kakko ī

handsome dude

ikemen

pretty girl

bijin

popular with the opposite sex

mote mote

like a model

moderu mitai

nerdy

otakkī

CHAPTER 8

SPORTY JAPANESE

SUPŌTĪNA NIHONGO

Sports

supōtsu

Fuck love—sports is the real universal language. Catholics, Muslims, Jews, and Buddhists will never love each other, but they all certainly enjoy a good game of futtobōru. In Japan, the most popular dialects of this universal language are baseball, soccer, kickboxing, golf, and sumo. Most other sports are also played and appreciated somewhere—even women’s ice hockey!

Do you play…

. . . yatteiru

…

I want to play…

. . . yaritai

…

Let’s watch the … game.

. . .no shiai miyō ze

…

soccer

sakkā

baseball

yakyū

kickboxing

kē wan

K１

golf

gorufu

basketball

basuke

rugby

ragubī

tennis

tenisu

American football

amefuto

sumo

sumō

If you’re in Japan, be sure to take the opportunity to watch a sumo match. It’s incredible live, but even on TV it never fails to entertain.

Explain the rules of sumo to me.

sumō no rūru o setsumei shite kudasai

Americans would be great sumo wrestlers, they’re all so fat.

amejin wa minna debu de sumō ni muiteiru kamo

What… do you like?

sukina … wa

sports

supōtsu

teams

chīmu

players

senshu

Minor sports

mainā supōtsu

Around the major entertainment hubs of Tokyo (Shinjuku, Shibuya, Ikebukuro, and so on), you’ll find places to play all the world’s minor sports—ping-pong, bowling, pool, darts, air hockey, batting cages, and spin-the-bottle. If you ever miss the last train, try hitting up the minor-sports circuit to polish the old token-insertion skills.

Wanna go play some…

yari ni ikō ka

ping-pong

takkyū

bowling

bōringu

pool

biriyādo

darts

dātsu

air hockey

eāhokkē

batting cages

battingu

mahjong

mājan

Cheering

ōen

This may disappoint all the aspiring hooligans out there, but Japanese sports fans are oppressively polite. They don’t get drunk, jeer the opposing team, or yell slogans about the refs’ mothers (with the exception, perhaps, of Hanshin baseball fans). Oftentimes there are special team songs that you can learn, but for the most part you can just stick to the following simple cheers:

Go!

gambarē!

Fight!

faito

Hurray!

furē furē

Put ’em away

shimattekō

Banzai!

banzai

Where is the cheering section?

ōendan wa doko ni irundesu ka

Will you teach me the team cheer?

ōenkyoku oshiete kuremasu ka

The ref is a retard!

shimpan no boke

Swwwing, batterbatterbatter!

battā ga senpūki da

* This literally means “the batter is an electric fan”—he flails around and hits nothing but air.

Where can I find a scalper?

dafuya o sagashite irundakedo

For which team are you a…

dochira no. . .

supporter

sapōtā

fan

fan

hooligan

fūrigan

Exercise

undō

There are plenty of places to work out in Tokyo, from fitness clubs to rock-climbing gyms. But if you want to be like a real Japanese person, you’ll go down to the river and hit some golf balls at the old ladies walking their dogs.

Where’s a good place to do some…

. . .dekiru toko wakaru

exercise

undō

weight training

kintore

jogging

jogingu

yoga

yoga

swimming

suiei

stretching

sutoretchi

situps

fukkin undō

pushups

udetate fuse

pullups

kensui

sprints

supurinto

treadmill

toreddomiru

practice

renshū

I want to work out my…

… o kitaetainda

abs

fukkin

biceps

nitō kin

triceps

santō kin

pecs

kyōkin

thighs

futomomo

calves

fukurahagi

cremaster

seisō kyokin

Let’s go for a run.

jogingu ikō ze

Want to go to the gym?

fittonesu sentā ikō ka

Would you spot me?

chotto hojo shite moraemasu ka

I’ve started to sweat.

ase kaichatta

I’m exhausted.

tsukaretā

I’m out of breath.

ikigire shichatta

I’m all sore today.

kyō wa kin’nikutsū da

Video games

gēmu

Video games are to Japan what tea is to Britain or war is to America. Visiting the pristine temples of Kyoto won’t teach you a third of what you will learn about Japan at the video arcade.

Do you have…

… motteru

Wanna play some…

… yarō ka

Are you good at…

… umai no

Playstation

puresute

Nintendo Wii

uī

X-box

ekkusu bokkusu

The original NES

famikon

Dance Dance Revolution

danrebo

（DDR）

The kids get pretty serious about this one.

The crane machine

yūfō kyatchā

The one where you grab toys with the crane claw.

Dragon Quest

dorakue

The best-selling Japanese game ever. Final Fantasy is a derivation of this.

Animal Crossing

oideyo dōbutsu no mori

A really popular game for Nintendo DS.

Mario Cart

mario kāto

A world standard.

Let’s go to the arcade.

gēsen ikō ze

I’m not a gamer or anything, but I like video games. gēmā to made ikanai kedo kekkō suki da yo

CHAPTER 9

HUNGRY JAPANESE

PEKO PEKO NIHONGO

Belly

hara

Food is pretty popular everywhere, but it holds a particularly important place in the hearts of the Japanese. You can’t hold a conversation for more than thirty seconds without someone recommending a restaurant or sharing a recipe with you, which is kind of counterintuitive considering how skinny most Japanese folks are. Every day is Iron Chef to these people—a fact which is quite pleasing to the belly but which taxes your vocabulary when it comes time to articulate your appetites.

< MY BELLY IS…

onaka …

growling

goro goro itte yagaru

famished

hettanā

starving

peko peko damon

full

ippai

stuffed

pampan

hurting

itai

Food

meshi

Technically, meshi is the word for rice. But of course, everybody knows that all Asian people ever eat is rice! So in Asia the word “rice” just means “food.” Kind of like how in America the word “Jack in the Box” means breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

…food

meshi …

Did you already eat…?

… kutta

I want to EAT…!!!

… kuitē

I love….

… daisukī

What kind of… do you feel like?

wa dōshiyō

What’s your favorite…?

ichiban sukina … wa

Why don’t I fix you some…?

… tsukutte ageyō ka

I want some cheap, greasy…!

yasukute aburappoi … ga kuitai

Wanna order some takeout…?

… wa demae tanomō ka

Excuse me!

sumimasen

Tipping is not practiced in Japan. But it’s completely acceptable to get the waiter’s attention by banging on your table and throwing silverware while yelling “sumimasen!” Waiters are basically at your beck and call. On the other hand, it’s not acceptable practice to ask for certain ingredients to be left out of a dish, or for less salt, or for a doggy bag to take your leftovers home in. The following sorts of situations are where you want to use sumimasen.

< EXCUSE ME, BUT…

sumimasen. . .

. . .can we order?

. . .chūmon shite mo ī desuka

. . .what do you recommend?

. . .nanika osusume wa arimasu ka

. . .how much is this?

. . .kore ikura desu ka

. . .will this make me full?

. . .kore de onaka ippai ni nareru kana

. . .what’s in this?

. . .kore wa nani ga haitteirundesu ka

. . .can I get one of these?

. . .kore o kudasai

. . .can I get a menu?

. . .me’nyū o kudasai

. . .this tastes weird.

. . .kore aji ga hen desu ga

. . .does this have MSG?

. . .aji no moto wa haitte masu ka

. . .can I get some water?

. . .mizu o kudasai

. . .can I get a fork?

. . .fōku o kudasai

. . .what’s the holdup?

. . .zutto matte irundesu ga

. . .can I have your phone number?

. . .denwabangō o oshiete kuremasen ka

Yummmmm!

umē

Did you know that the way a person eats is a direct reflection of how they make love? Some people are speed-eaters, others are notoriously picky. Some people like greasy shit, and others like it bland. Lots of dudes are into the Asian food, these days. Personally, the girls I date like to eat four meals a day. Oh yeah, and vegetarians like to have sex with plants, which makes Japanese TV pure porn, because it’s chocked full of food programming. The roots of soy sauce, the secret to delicious beef curry, the best ramen shops in Osaka—food culture has found its medium in Japanese television. And on these innumerable food programs, every time the hosts put something new in their mouths they inevitably make some comment about how delicious it is, so as to convey to their viewers at home the complex gustatory sensations occurring in their mouths. The meaning of these comments basically boils down to “DELICIOUS!!!!” but they take on a number of forms, including the following:

This is good.

kore oishī ne

This is delicious!

koitsu wa umai wa

Fantabulous!

geki uma

It melts in my mouth.

kuchi no naka de torokete kurū

It smells fucking fabulous.

sungē ī kaori

Holy shit, this is scrumptious.

uwa kore maji umē

Can I get seconds?

okawari moraemasu ka

I want to marry the cook.

tsukutta hito to kekkon shitai

You mao’d that shit down.

omae paku paku kutta nā

You scarfed it on down.

mogu mogu kutteta mon

Food benders

kuidaore

A “food bender” (kuidaore) is a Japanese tradition wherein you spend an entire evening walking from restaurant to restaurant, progressively gorging yourself into glassy-eyed stupor. This practice originated in the Osaka area, but it’s just as easy to eat yourself silly on gourmet cuisine in any of Tokyo’s 23 wards.

< LET’S GET SOME…

. . .ni shiyō

Japanese food

washoku

beef rice bowl

gyūdon

This is Japanese fast food: cheap and filling. You can find college kids horfing this shit down in any of the ubiquitous chain restaurants purveying these beef feasts: Yoshinoya, Matsuya, Kōbe Ranputei.

egg noodles

rāmen

Not the shitty instant noodles that got you through college. Real Japanese ramen is the stuff of dreams. There are whole magazines devoted to finding the best ramen in Tokyo.

Korean barbecue

yaki niku

This has little to do with the soul food you are probably accustomed to. Thin slabs of top-grade beef, often marinated, that you grill at your table.

Japanese pancake

okonomi yaki

Based on a cake of batter and cabbage, okonomiyaki is kind of like pizza in that it allows you to add pretty much whatever you feel like: bacon, seafood, veggies, cheese, noodles, kimchee.

chicken kabobs

yakitori

Yakitori is usually sold by street vendors, and comes in a wide variety of forms: chicken breast, chicken wings, chicken cartilage, chicken liver, chicken skin.

breaded pork

tonkatsu

Basically this is a deep-fried pork cutlet.

Japanese stew

oden

You know it’s winter, in Japan, when the convenience stores pull out these big vats of broth and start stewing stuff: eggs, potatoes, daikon, tofu, kamaboko. Trust me on this: the stuff at 7-Eleven is actually really good.

soups

nabemono

Nabemono is an umbrella term for a number of soup dishes, including sukiyaki and shabushabu.

tempura

tempura

This is like the assorted deep-fry platter you get at an Applebee’s or some shit like that.

Chinese food

chūka

Japanese Chinese food is like a less greasy version of American Chinese food, with higher quality ingredients, prettier waitresses, and no Spicy Wings.

curry

karē

You can get Indian-style curry in Japan (check out Jimbōcho in Tokyo), although the word karē implies Japanese curry, which is more sweet than spicy.

French food

furansu ryōri

A lot of Japanese cooks actually go to France to study foreign cooking, so French food in Japan is probably more authentic than what you get in America, although I wouldn’t know because I never eat the shit.

Italian food

itaria ryōri

Don’t expect to find a lot of heavier dishes like lasagna in Japan, but if you’re into spaghetti and other noodle dishes, Japanese spaghetti is pretty damn good. They generally serve pretty shitty wine, though.

Fast food

fāsuto fūdo

Of course you can find a McDonald’s in even the most remote corner of the Eight Islands, and a hamburger there tastes pretty much the same as the one you ate in whatever Middle American town you may have come from. But if you’re going to eat fast food in Japan, I suggest you try one of the following native franchises, in descending order. Americans have a lot to learn about their own cuisine.

< LET’S GO TO…

… ikō ze

Mos Burger

mosu

Mosu is like the In-N-Out of Japanese fast food. They use quality beef and have all sorts of weird experimental burgers.

First Kitchen

fakkin

Pronounced like “fucking,” these places are cheap, quick, and popular among high school kids.

Freshness Burger

furesshunesu bāgā

Freshness Burger is kind of a health-conscious burger joint. Unfortunately, that makes it less tasty than a Mos Burger, although it’s light years ahead of McDonald’s.

Lotteria

rotteria

The name “Lotteria” makes it sound like they should be selling scratch-offs instead of burgers and fries. It’s like McDonald’s but not made out of poo.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

kenta

Except for very remote parts of Hokkaido, it is impossible to find turkey in Japan, so it has become tradition to get Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas dinner—and eat only the skin.

McDonald’s

makku

The Golden Arches. The only exciting thing about Japanese McDonald’s is that you can get corn soup there.

Family restaurants

famiresu

Have you ever been to a Denny’s where they have a drink bar? You pay like three bucks to drink all the coffee and orange juice and soda you want. Drink bars are pretty standard at Japanese family restaurants, as well—but the exciting thing is that some places—like Bāmiyan and Birudi—will occasionally have hard drink bars, too, where you pay a nominal fee for all the wine and liquor your composure can handle.

< LET’S GO TO…

… ikō ze

Royal Host

roiho (roiyaru hosuto)

Royal Host is the standard-bearer for all family restaurants. A lot of meat-based dishes on the menu.

Denny’s

denīzu

Denny’s in Japan is so much nicer than Denny’s in America. Clean and tasty, with Japanese and American food.

Gusto

gasuto

Gusto is cheap and easy. It’s popular with college and high school kids.

Jonathan’s

jona (jonasan)

Jonathan’s is kind of cheap and dirty. You see a lot of angry parents and whiny kids there.

Casa

kāsa

Casa has a lot of Salisbury steaks, curry, and omelet dishes. None of which are great.

Saizeriya saize (saizeriya)

Saizeriya is an Italian family restaurant—like Olive Garden except edible.

Bāmiyan

bami (bāmiya)

Bāmiyan is a Chinese family restaurant. The food isn’t great and the service sucks, but the one by my house had the hard drink bar.

Yumean

yumean

The Chinese food at Yumean isn’t that great, either, but I would place it an inch or so above Bāmiyan.

Don

don (sutēki no don)

“Don,” as this steak house is affectionately called, makes a damn good steak. Applebees, Chili’s, Outback—they don’t got shit on the Don.

Bikkuri Donkey

donkī (bikkuri donkī)

Bikkuri Donkey does not purvey donkey-based cuisine. They specialize in Salisbury steaks, and do a good job with it.

Bldy

birudi

Bldy (this is the actual spelling) has a very eclectic menu, but none of it is great. Fortunately, they are reputed to have the hard drink bar.

Cafés

kissaten

Starbucks is every bit as ubiquitous in Tokyo as in New York and has better coffee than other chain alternatives. But if you’re a hippie who feels like Starbucks harshes your socially conscious mellow, check out some of the Japanese coffeehouses. Doutor has bagel sandwiches!

Starbucks

sutaba

Like Japanese bra sizes, drinks at a Japanese Starbucks are all one size smaller than their name suggests, so that a “medium” corresponds to a “small” in America.

Doutor

dotōru

At Doutor, you get these exhausted businessmen chain-smoking and drinking coffee next to bag ladies mumbling into their teacups. The coffee ain’t great, but the atmosphere has no pretensions.

Segafredo

segafurēdo

Segafredo specializes in sticky drinks like the “Pina Colada Yogurt Granita.” They are leading the whole Frappuccino genre into the 21st century.

Renoir

runoāru

Pretentious and froufrou, Renoir is the type of place that frowns on to-go orders and prefers for you to sit down with all the other widowed madams until you order a tiramisu out of sheer anxiety.

Sushi expert

sushi tsū

Oh, you thought Japanese slang was just for punkass kids? Well, tell that to the septuagenarian chef behind the sushi bar pulling his knife through a yellowtail with all the precision of a brain surgeon. He still has shrapnel in his knee from the Russo-Japanese war and knows more sushi slang than a rapper knows Ebonics. So try out some of these words next time you’re at a sushi restaurant and see if nobody notices that you’re a big fat American who rubs his chopsticks together and then orders a Coke with his California roll.

< CAN I GET SOME…

. . .kudasai

water

ohiya

soy sauce

murasaki

tea

agari

ginger

gari

check

oaiso

Can I get it sans wasabi?

sabinuki de onegai shimasu

What kind of sushi do you like?

sukina osushi wa

You don’t eat California rolls so much in Japan, eh?

kariforunia rōru wa nihon ja amari kuwanai ne

Yuck!

mazui

In my experience, it’s pretty hard to find food in Japan that is actually bad. Even the hot lunches served at the poorest elementary school in Japan are light years tastier than the shit that Americans eat. If you’re British, even homeless people in Japan eat better than you. But let’s imagine that you do get served something that doesn’t taste quite right while you’re in Japan. Be sure to express your discontent immediately and vocally, because by now you probably already have food poisoning.

This tastes weird.

aji ga chotto hen da

This tastes bad.

mazui na kore

Seriously, this is fucking gross.

iya gekimazu da nā

This is total shit.

kuso dayo kore

This is a shit among shit.

kuso no naka no kuso dane

Seriously, we are eating poo.

unko da ne maji de

I can’t fucking eat this.

konna mono kuenē

This restaurant fucking sucks.

kono mise wa saitei saiaku

Is this Korea? Because this shit tastes like dog.

koko wa kankoku? datte inu no aji ga surunda mon

This shit would taste better after I puked it back up and ate it.

kore o hakimodoshite mō ikkai kutta hō ga zettai oishī shi

We got better meals than this in prison.

gokuchū no meshi no hō ga yoppodo umakatta shi

Let’s go.

ikō yo

Wanna pull an eat-and-run?

kuinige shiyō ka

Picky Eaters

kuwazu girai

Kuwazu-girai is a game that Japanese folks like to play at izakaya and other restaurants that have small, tapas-like dishes. The premise of the game is this: everybody orders three things—two they absolutely love and one they can’t stand. Japanese izakaya usually have extensive enough menus so that it’s easy to find something you hate. Then you take turns consuming your three dishes under the scrutinizing gazes of your companions, and they try to guess which was the one that you actually hate. Most people don’t realize what bad actors they are, and nothing is funnier than watching a bad actor act—especially when they are overcompensating for nausea by pretending to savor and relish something that is making them sick. It’s a great way to get to know people’s culinary and dramatic inclinations—and a rare opportunity to eat fermented soy beans. Bon appétit!

Other Ulysses Press Titles

Dirty Chinese: Everyday Slang from “What’s Up?” to “F*%# Off!” MATT COLEMAN, $10.00

Dirty Chinese features phrases for every situation, even expressions to convince a local official that you have waited long enough and tipped him plenty already. A pronunciation guide, a reference dictionary and sample dialogues make this guide invaluable for those traveling to China.

Dirty French: Everyday Slang from “What’s Up?” to “F*%# Off!” ADRIEN CLAUTRIER AND HENRY ROWE, $10.00

Dirty French includes phrases for every situation, including expressions for describing art that make one sound smart and cool. It contains enough insults and swear words to offend every person in France without even speaking to them in English, which they really dislike.

Dirty German: Everyday Slang from “What’s Up?” to “F*%# Off!” DANIEL CHAFFEY, $10.00

Dirty German provides enough insults and swear words to offend every person in Germany—without even mentioning that the Japanese make better cars —as well as explicit sex terms that’ll even embarrass the women of Hamburg’s infamous red light district.

Dirty Italian: Everyday Slang from “What’s Up?” to “F*%# Off!” GABRIELLE EUVINO, $10.00

Nobody speaks in strictly formal address anymore. Certainly not in Italy, where the common expression shouted on the streets is far from textbook Italian. This all-new, totally-up-to-date book fills in the gap between how people really talk in Italy and what Italian language students are taught.

Dirty Spanish: Everyday Slang from “What’s Up?” to “F*%# Off!” JUAN CABALLERO & NICK DENTON-BROWN, $10.00

This handbook features slang for both Spain and Latin America. It includes a section on native banter that will help readers make friends over a pitcher of sangría and convince the local taco maker that it’s OK to spice things up with a few fresh habaneros.

To order these books call 800-377-2542 or 510-601-8301, fax 510-601-8307, e-mail ulysses@ulyssespress.com, or write to Ulysses Press, P.O. Box 3440, Berkeley, CA 94703. All retail orders are shipped free of charge. California residents must include sales tax. Allow two to three weeks for delivery.

About the Author

Matt Fargo is the owner of one of the world’s dirtiest mouths. He has worked in Japan as a writer, translator, and musician among other things, subsequently earning his Master’s degree in Japanese Literature at UC Berkeley. He currently lives in New York, where he enjoys the metropolitan propensity for filthy language. If you get good enough at Japanese, you can read his first book, 「」, or you can check out his other projects at matthewfargo.com.

Text Copyright © 2007 Matt Fargo. Design and concept © 2007 Ulysses Press. Illustrations © 2007 Lindsay Mack. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever, except for use by a reviewer in connection with a review.

Published by:

Ulysses Press

P.O. Box 3440

Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

eISBN : 978-1-569-75067-4

Library of Congress Control Number: 2006903813

Distributed by Publishers Group West