My Dog:

The Paradox

Introduction

“Every pet is a tiny tragedy waiting to happen.”

–George Carlin

Several years ago, I adopted a small bearlike creature and named him Rambo. This lovable, impulsive animal soon became quite precious to me, and I got to work right away on convincing myself that he was immortal and would live for many thousands of years. I couldn’t stand the idea that my dog had an expiration date that was roughly the equivalent of three and a half presidential terms.

“It just occurred to me that my dog has no idea what my name is,” a friend once told me. I thought about this for weeks. A dog is man’s best friend, but what is man to a dog? What does he think of me, this towering apelike mammal who showers him with snacks, massages, and love? Are our feelings mutual? Does he like me as much as I like him? I tried asking him once and he responded by licking his balls.

My dog is not afraid of grizzly bears, but the vacuum scares the crap out of him. He won’t eat broccoli, but he’ll happily feast on dried cat turds. He trembles in fear if he sees me holding a bottle of dog shampoo, but he’d fearlessly sprint across the freeway if there was a squirrel on the other side.

These thoughts all culminated into “My Dog: The Paradox,” and they lived in my notebook for several years as a jumbled collection of ideas and scribbles about man’s best friend. I originally wrote this comic as a funny look at the illogical fears of dogs, but it ended up becoming a meditation on their reckless, impulsive, and completely lovable mortality.

This book is dedicated to all the dogs I’ve owned (or lived with), including Rambo, Beatrix, Arnold, Teddy, Nanuk, Donald, Bubba, Rosie, Lori, Chip, Barbara Walters, and Coconut.

But mostly, it’s dedicated to Rambo.

My Dog: The Paradox copyright © 2013 by Oatmeal, LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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MATTHEW INMAN is the author and artist behind the one-man comedy operation known as The Oatmeal. Matthew lives in Seattle, Washington, with his dogs, Rambo and Beatrix. He enjoys sushi, snowboarding, and drawing overweight mammals.

Table of Contents

Title

Introduction

My Dog: The Paradox

Copyright

About the Author