Eat, Sleep, Fuck

The Wit & Wisdom of the World Wide Web

Volume 4

James Cox

Copyright © 2012 James Cox

All rights reserved.

Manufactured in the United States of America

Dedicated to the unsung heroes &

the twisted geniuses

of the world wide web

which make life worthwhile

with their wit & humor.

Thank you.

Politically Correct: A term used for whiny people that need shit sugar coated.

We obviously don't strive for that.

So be forewarned.

Eat, Sleep, Fuck is a series of one liners

& the occasional jokes

collected from the furthest corners

of the world wide web.

A few of these have even been attempted by the

author himself to stoke his pathetic ego

& to boost his low self-esteem

for a few minutes.

If you are easily offended, this book is not for you.

If crass, crude, sexist & blatantly offensive humor

turns you on & makes your day, welcome inside.

Hope you enjoy the ride.

Each book in the series has a collection of about 300 witticisms.

Please do leave a review

Appreciate it. Thank you.

Preface

This book is to be savored like a fine Barolo

but then, I don't give a fuck if you were to

race through it in one sitting.

I'd do likewise but the tormented demons

in my head made me type this out.

This is only to shut them up.

Go ahead, do what you feel like with this book.

Thank you for purchasing this book.

Enjoy the ride.

Warmth,

James Cox

If you'd like to contribute to the future editions with your wit & wisdom in exchange for deep gratitude & acknowledgement (no monies will be sent to the brave, funny, witty contributors), do shoot me an email.

submissions.esf@gmail.com

Chick logic: He's nice, but I'd rather date an asshole, try to change him, fail, get my heart broken and then preach "All guys are the fucking same!"

For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you'll end up married.

The absolute worse thing you can hear during sex is,"Sir, the mannequins are just for display."

You marry & have kids for one reason: so somebody will cry at your fucking funeral.

I wish all chicks could be a man for a day & try picking up a woman the way they say women wanna be picked up & see how full of shit they are.

Women are like amusement parks. Choose the one with the best rides, not the cheapest admission.

A good woman will open her legs and say,"Come fall in, love.”

A B C D E F G H I A M H O R N Y

Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty, which makes them feel inadequate, yet they buy 12 inch dildos.

Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's idea of what a relationship should be.

When your co-worker goes on vacation, draw a chalk outline on the floor by their cubicle & pretend they were murdered.

Love (n): Enjoying someone's company after sex.

Women aren't that complicated. Just kidding! They're fucking nut jobs.

Get fat, stop wearing make up, become a total bitch... why would he ever leave?

Condoms because that 1 girl you banged, banged 26 guys that banged 369 girls that banged 1105 guys that banged 7797 girls.

Porn. The only industry where women get paid more than men, yet they manage to get fucked over by them.

I'm glad women aren't physically stronger than men cause after destroying our confidence & self-esteem the last thing we'd need is a beating.

Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures.

We get it, you came in her!

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes?

I don't think there's really any oxygen in there.

They're just to muffle the screams.

The sooner men stop looking for that one sane woman in the world, the better off you'll be. They're all crazy. Pick the crazy you can handle.

Let me stop you before you go any further...You seem to be under the impression that I value your opinion.

Been trying to write an instruction manual on women but each page keeps contradicting the one before.

James Bond is my favorite drunk, horny murderer.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

My favorite eye color is horny.

It's odd that Rose said "I won't let go, Jack. I promise," and then let him drop to the bottom of the ocean.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Ate an apple. All I need now is a smoke, a bottle of vodka, a bacon sandwich and a blow-job and I've had my five-a-day.

I was asked to run a marathon, I said 'No way!'

Then they told me it was for blind handicapped kids.

I thought 'Hey I could win this.'

One of the toughest, most agonizing decisions people have to make is, whether to be alone or to be alone with someone there with them.

Pregnant women look so happy. It’s like they don’t know what’s going to happen.

Today I feel like a birthday girl. But my wife says I can't have one.

I look forward to coffee each morning in the same way I look forward to sex each night. Only difference is, I always get coffee.

"I need commitment" said Tanya.

Damon ripped off his shirt and wrote "Tanya's" on his chest in permanent marker.

Now, she felt safe to love him.

I didn't realize the dark back story of some of these Disney characters, like Goofy is brain damaged from untreated syphilis.

My sex life basically consists of wanting to sleep with people who won't fuck me and masturbating to Enrique songs.

I have a feeling that Victoria's Secret is actually herpes.

Sure, masturbating to a lingerie catalog is lame but not nearly as shameful as stroking it to that instructional manual in a box of tampons.

Hand jobs are like women's football. A cheap imitation of something men do better themselves.

Your boyfriend looks like…I’d fuck you better.

Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all. The only people that will call me sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

I'm a liar, truth be told.

All the women in my life are crazy. What about yours?

The reality show about my life is Dancing with the Scars.

I went on a date with a girl I met on Facebook once.

It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

I'm going to have to pay for my girlfriend's nose job.

You know what they say...you break it, you buy it.

A wise woman once said,"I'll clean & cook."

If someone tells you to get to know yourself don’t do it. I did that shit & now I hate myself.

It's not my job to judge people. But I'm more than happy to donate my time.

Not all men want a relationship for sex. Some want their laundry done too.

Oh! I thought you would be funny because you are so ugly. So... there's kind of no point to you really.

The secret to any successful relationship is to discuss everything together and then settle with the woman's decision.

Being gay looks mighty expensive.

"You look like someone that enjoys good food." - A compliment, or was I just called fat?

I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

Imagine the horror of being the first to be eliminated on a reality show but trapped in the opening credits for the entire season.

Some Of My Facebook Friends

Capitalize Every Word Of Their

Status Updates Because

Everything They Do Should Be

The Title Of A Book.

Sometimes I feel like the world is continually closing around me. Then inevitably someone asks me to stop standing in the elevator doorway.

If I had to choose between drinking and fucking, I think I’d have to stop fucking.

When everything in your life goes wrong just remember somewhere there’s a hippy chick who can’t wait to tell you that it’s all for a reason.

Any bank can be a sperm bank if you can jerk off discreetly enough.

"Please be fat now, please be fat now, please be fat now..."

(Inner monologue of a girl looking up an old friend on Facebook).

I want to love. I want to be loved.

Until then, I'll just do what everyone else does.

Pretend like that shit is like OMG so stupid.

The only thing standing between you & a great joke is YOU.

I have been married for so long now that my wife has perfected her 'silent treatment' to the point where I can hear my brain cells dying.

Turns out,"Yes, please!" is not an appropriate response when your doctor asks,"Any cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol?"

Yes, I understand. Now bend over.

Communication is important in a relationship? Well, so is shutting up. Let's talk about our feelings through interpretive fucking.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward.

If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

I understand, it's ok, I get that you're an idiot and I accept it.

We could make love but I'd rather just fuck.

Ironic how a bug that women find so repulsive contains two words that give them so much pleasure... cock...roach.

I wear an automatic watch just so I have an excuse for my masturbation habit.

I should be a career pallbearer, I'm pretty good at letting people down.

Can we skip the part where you ask for my opinion and just be mad at me for no fucking reason?

Most people's lives seem to be a never-ending cycle of the stages of grief.

I only like putting my penis in a vagina because it's a self cleaning organ. It's like a penis carwash.

Offering a guy a hand job is like offering a baker a cupcake.

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

It's not a lie if you believe it.

That urge you get to write "No one gives a shit" on someone's Facebook status.

Most things just go away if you ignore them except women. That doesn't work with women.

If giving blowjobs were a sport, I'd suck at it.

My ex-girlfriend wouldn't break her promises to me, she'd shatter them on the floor, hand me a broom and then blow my friends as I swept.

Remember, a random act of kindness can be as simple as leaving someone the fuck alone.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments.

"Ladies first" because, how else am I supposed to stare at your ass?

The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

Vaginarella: A girl who fucks you and leaves before you wake up.

I was sexting a girl and she said she can't get wet. I told her to turn her vagina off and turn it back on.

Love is a four letter horror story.

I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.

Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

Women: And for my next trick I will be visibly annoyed at you and slightly distant for a few hours but never tell you why.

If you won't sleep with me, at least let me disappoint you some other way.

If you own something I could never afford, I’m gonna assume you have a small penis because it makes me feel better about my miserable life.

Blessed are those that shut the fuck up every once in awhile.

There's a special place in hell for people who call you when you text them.

That moment in every man's life when he realizes he can be easily replaced by a little plastic vibrator.

What do I know about sex? I'm a married man.

Kids today are pussies because everything is considered child abuse.

Back in the day, you slapped the fucker once and he learnt his lesson.

Life's too difficult, so let's lie to ourselves and everyone else, cause that will fix everything and absolve us of our own wrong doings.

Can I blow it like a Nintendo cartridge before you put it in?

Will love girlfriend for food.

Weird how I don't have a crush on you once I'm done masturbating.

I can't even remember whom I'm trying to impress anymore.

The deep end of my pool is so deep it listens to the Smiths and reads Kafka.

When can I taste you?

I don’t want to understand you…Your mischief is what keeps me around.

If you work out without telling everyone on Facebook about it then you didn't really work out.

Sometimes what doesn't kill you looks exactly like someone you used to love.

Wings? The only thing Red Bull gave me was an irregular heart beat and violent twitching.

I have seven feelings: whiskey, bourbon, scotch, gin, tequila, hate, and fuck you.

I prefer to do my stalking undetected. At least up until the point where you wake up tied to my bed.

Your penis looks simply ravishing in those instagram pictures. Is that the Valencia filter? Lovely choice.

Cynical, sarcastic asshole, and I'm fine with it, so piss off.

I do not like you and I never will.

Deal with it.

Fuck you.

99% of your problems could be solved with a punch in the face and a weekend in jail.

Wish I could smack the first woman who ever thought it was a good idea to fake an orgasm.

Never underestimate the power of a woman who knows exactly what she does not want.

If she isn't a quivering and an exhausted mess when you're done, you're not doing it right.

Don’t be shocked when somebody fucks you over. The real surprise will be finding someone who won’t.

Hell can't be worse than being the guy working at the mall baby store & hearing all the women squealing about the little baby shoes everyday.

As a young man I was an ass/legs man, now I strictly get hot for the proper usage of your/you're, to/too and there/their/they're.

I'm thankful you can hide friends who are thankful on Facebook.

If you are having difficulty understanding someone’s perspective, try removing your head from your ass.

It does not make any sense that a happy meal doesn't come with vodka.

Hands are the best bras.

I checked into a hotel & asked the receptionist if the porn was disabled.

She replied,"No, it's regular porn you sick cunt."

You say,"I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so for months.

This post contains one or more words known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash your eyes after reading.

While you're waiting for Mr Right, let Mr Right Now ravish you.

My boyfriend wants to know why I haven't found a husband yet?

You say,"It's not you, it's me" like I'm not already painfully aware of that fact.

That awkward silence when your spouse asks why you're so happy and your mind races to decide if "I'm in love" would be a passable answer.

Having sex with your biographer is unquestionably more exciting than having sex with your autobiographer.

Nobody will ever love you as much as a less attractive person.

I admire my wife's business ethics. She has drawers full of sexy lingerie but will only wear them on business trips since her boss bought them.

When I was a kid, we were so poor we sometimes had to travel on vacation in our small, single-engined plane.

I like my men how I like my belts: Choking me.

Dear female orgasm...will you just hurry the fuck up already.

When it came time to have that talk with the kids about sex, I told my wife I wasn't qualified without an intense refresher course myself.

If you miss someone that bad, just dig them up.

Never underestimate the power a vagina can have over you.

Here's some chocolate. Be less bitchy.

A fuck saved is a fuck earned.

A midday boner is terrible for productivity.

Dear future wife, I hope you're doing your kegels.

I do not mind the darkness, because in the darkness, girls take their shirts off.

20% of the guys get 80% of the women.

I'll take a fuck, but I'll never give one.

Flirt with all, finger many, fuck few.

Morning wood is nothing more than a systems check.

Women use emotional firewalls and shit to distance themselves.

I just use a distinct lack of personality and my non-existent social skills.

A blowjob with a rubber on? Christ! I might as well shit with me panties up too.

Is it a coincidence that Ford vehicles sound cooler if you put "anal" in front of them? Excursion. Probe. Explorer. Ranger.

I'll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I've never seen "The Fast & The Furious" but I assume it's about a chronic pre-ejaculator and his constantly disappointed girlfriend.

By far, the most useless home remedy I've ever tried was an open and honest dialogue for salvaging my relationship.

I laugh when people tell me I have no life. I didn't get 3 stars on all the angry birds levels by doing nothing.

I never believe it when a woman compliments me but if a gay guy does, you know you're doing something right.

Remember when you were young and you could just walk around your parents' house naked? I miss being 31.

Drunk wife + sober husband = Great sex

Drunk husband + sober wife = Husband sleeps in the garage.

My 10 year old thinks I expect too much out of her. I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

I always text my husband those 3 little words: "Take your pills."

Babies aren’t born singing with masks and weird costumes. Lady Gaga is such a liar.

When more than one bride-to-be is celebrating her bachelorette party in the same bar, they should have to fight to the death.

My wife just asked me how much weight I think she should lose, so I ran head first into the wall and knocked myself unconscious.

Whoregotiate: (verb) Using sexual favors as leverage to get what you want from your spouse or significant other.

Ladies, men in their twenties have so much to offer if you're willing to wait 15 years.

I'm only good enough to be invited to the evening part of your wedding. Fine. That means I can drink all day and turn up as a drunk cunt.

“Madame, I will have your finest package of gum, and money is no object.” – How I impressed the hot cashier at the gas station.

Threesome? Why the hell would I want to humiliate myself in front of two women?

The only reason I don’t use condoms is because I never have sex.

You didn't ask for my opinion but I gave it anyway. It's like I'm your wife.

Hate to brag about my my sexual stamina, but I once made it through an entire commercial break.

You said you wanted a dog so you bought a chihuahua!? I don't think you know what a dog is, do you?

Well, I never have to worry about my husband turning gay. He gags brushing his teeth in the morning.

When a couple asks me for directions, I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask. That's why I give them wrong ones to teach the bitch a lesson.

I don't usually cry for onions, but this one's story is so inspiring.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

One time I met a vegetarian who waited an entire 16 seconds to bring it up.

Does begging count as foreplay?

I have this horrible eating disorder where I eat a ton of food, don't exercise and get fat.

Next time you sit at a McDonald's play land and a parent asks you,"Which one is yours?" Say,"I haven’t picked one out yet!"

I wonder how many babies have been born because of "Trust Me."

Maybe your dick would be bigger if 3/4 of it wasn't in your personality.

Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk and only one person knows about it.

Wish my husband would pound me the way he pounds those beers.

You are cordially invited to join me for an evening of destructive, poor decisions, followed by a morning of sorrow and regret.

When my ex worked out of town,

he would take my vibrators away from me.

Said I was cheating on him with them.

Should have taken his brother too.

People say,"If you could have any job in the world, what would you do?" and I say,"If I have that kind of power, why do I need a job?"

Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"

I'm English, which means I'm looking forward to my 50's when I can play an evil genius in most Hollywood films.

The internet is not making me dumber and lonelier, it's making me lazy and delusional.

Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't workout.

Don't be afraid of intelligent women. When they fall in love, their brains automatically switch off.

College was the worst get rich quick scheme ever.

Guess who lost 25 pounds! The girl at work did. What a bitch!

J.K. Rowling stole my idea of writing a book and becoming the richest person on the planet.

Smart men know that when a woman sends them to the store for tampons, they should pick up a case of beer for themselves too.

I'm on this great diet called poverty.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

The second step is freaking out.

The third step is pretending you don't have a problem.

Biggest mistake of my life was letting my family know I'm good with technology.

I never tell women my real name cause I don't like the restraining orders to become "legal."

I like my Men how I like my Zombies; Chasing after me, just to eat me.

Most people's creative juices are made from high-fructose corn syrup and preservatives.

If you've done your job properly, there should be a little splash when you stick it in.

You don't have to drive a fancy car if you can find the G-spot and the clitoris.

It's weird to see a girl's wedding pictures on Facebook when just eight months earlier you had your fingers in her.

If she's pretty, pretend you don't like her.

If she's ugly, pretend you do.

I always prefer to treat women with the respect, dignity, adoration and appreciation they deserve. But I like having sex, so I don't.

Love is letting him shoot it in your hair.

That fancy wine glass makes you think what you're doing is elegant instead of desperate.

You don't have to go to the zoo to see a once powerful animal in captivity. Just go hang out at your married friend's place.

Strong independent women make crappy sandwiches.

That hot girl you've been after has never given a blowjob and nothing kills the mood like her asking,"So, I put my mouth on it and then what?"

Other than my ex wife's vagina, what is known to spit venomous poison with blinding accuracy from up to ten feet away?

A woman's psyche often matches her vagina. Hostile, acidic and sometimes bloody.

Give him the butt, guys will do pretty much anything you want if you let them do you in the butt.

You are who you used to do.

After dissecting your psychological profile I've come to the conclusion that you're little more than a common household bitch.

If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.

The number one thing I look for in a woman is my penis.

Him (Flexing): Why do I get a raging erection when I look at myself in the mirror?

Her: Because your cock thinks you're a cunt too.

Dildos were invented when women realized they wanted to keep the only part of their ex that made them happy.

My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it's Heaven spelled backwards.

I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

That simple phrase "We need to talk" has the ability to bring to mind everything I've ever done wrong.

People should receive a lifetime prescription for valium the day their first kid is born.

Any man that goes to the store to buy tampons for his girl is thinking “Thank God I’m not buying a pregnancy test”

Heads up boys: If she describes herself as "intense", she means "fucking bat shit crazy!"

What do you call a woman with an opinion? Single.

The only "B" word you should call your girlfriend is beautiful . Bitches love that.

If I see that you have a family car window sticker, there's a 100% chance I'll draw a dick on every single figure .

My Indian name is Fuck You I'm White.

What's the best way to ask your doctor to add another finger during a prostate exam?

Maybe she's born with it, maybe she's just a cunt.

Fucking black guys should be considered beastiality.

Bukkake. Because who wouldn't want to be the center of attention?

The quickest way to a mans heart is to make semen shoot out the tip of his penis.

I have an extra bag of false hope and empty promises if anyone's interested.

Everyone is beautiful with a bag over their head.

Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'

Give her slippers and a dildo for her birthday. So if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

My plan of winning the lottery and living happily ever after is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.

Tits and ass are fantastic, but brains don't sag.

No matter how many holes you put in your face, daddy's never coming home.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can get you a wide array of anti-depressants.

You don’t need to worry about wasting your life.

Your life would have to be worth something for you to be able to waste it.

And you're fat.

There isn't any big conspiracy holding you back, you just aren't very talented.

Women are not indecisive. A woman knows exactly what she wants and doesn't want. The problem is that most of the time it's the same thing.

Eat too much? Fat.

Eat too little? Anorexic.

Not a virgin? Slut.

A virgin? Boring.

Society is so full of shit!

When a guy says “I love funny girls”… What he means is a funny girl with nice tits. And they have to be pretty. And they can’t be fat.

A one armed man trying to rowboat is a good metaphor for my life.

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.

If it doesn't make you stupid, it's not love.

I feel sorry for you.

Why?

Because I'm the love of your life.

You just don't know it yet.

An asshole a day means you're gay.

Baby, it's okay to have feelings. They're normal. If I were chained up in this basement like you, I'd be angry too.

You're not lonely. You're just horny.

Wanna play cock, paper, scissors?

We dump our sperm in them, they dump their feelings in us.

Can I buy you a drink? Or several drinks until your judgment is clouded and your inhibitions are lowered?

It’s fucking adorable how fat people think we care how much weight they’ve lost since the last time we saw them.

The realization that I am the villain of my own life story.

Who's going to narrate Morgan Freeman's bio when he dies?

I'm not in great shape but the running shoes I bought six months back are.

My wife is a genius. Today she invented, out of the clear blue sky, at least three problems that didn't exist before.

Got a filthy look from the checkout girl for buying vodka, orange juice, condoms and Alka-Seltzer. Like she has her life figured out.

It's amazing how my house can go from spotless to fucked up in just two kids.

I love you. You're perfect. Now change. For the love of God. Change everything.

Stop fucking whining about shit not going your way and just fake happiness like the rest of us.

I have no idea what women want, other than their way.

If a whore has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.

I wish there was background music in real life.

My secret weapon is my charm. It is so secret that most people never even realize I have it.

How did they decide who is the man of the house before the remote control?

My sex life appears to have entered the nursing home 30 years ahead of me.

I know English majors who engage in mutual masturbation just for the alliteration.

The best thing about going bald is women don't constantly badger you for sex.

I do an awesome job of pretending I'm pressing the "Door Open" button for people who are running toward the elevator.

My sex life is like a hostage negotiation. Some bribing followed by some sort of explosion and a lot of crying.

The best part about working at home is the alcohol.

I'm a sexual atheist. I don't believe I'll ever get laid.

You never realize what you have till its gone.

Toilet paper is a good example of this.

I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I'm just going to go ahead & judge you.

They're all assholes. Just pick the one with the best cock and try to stick with him.

If you don't know anything about bondage, I'll be happy to show you the ropes.

Girls who take a self-portrait dressed like sluts with glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol!" You're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses.

I think my black friend is a vegetarian. Whenever I see him with my wife, he always has a cucumber in his front pocket.

You have never experienced true loneliness until you've been married.

1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 18909 islands, 7 oceans, over 7 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.

Nike dropped Lance Armstrong, but didn't drop Tiger Woods. So I guess in America you can cheat on your wife, but not on your bike.

A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies.

You're gonna make a great ex-wife.

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"No, it's ANXIETY GIRL!"

If you're a woman and you're not mad at a man right now then you're not doing it right.

Why did the tree cross the road?

A woman crashed into it.

If you're stuck in the Friendzone,

here's a simple 5-step solution:

1) Stop.

2) Being.

3) Her.

4) Fucking.

5) Bitch.

"Are you nuts?”

“Who knows? Insanity is comparative. Who sets the norm?”

Table of Contents

Inside Cover

Dedication

Blurb

Preface

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